The Pursuit of Happiness

What other people think about you is none of your business. Once you learn that, your potential for happiness is completely up to you. In this episode, the Ellises discuss what it takes to be truly satisfied with yourself. Dead ass. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The pursuit of happiness is a solo sport.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
Dead Ass. I like that one.

Speaker 3 (00:06):
It's extreme too, if you think about it, it's so
extreme sport. And Baby, the minute I am broke free
of the shackles of being concerned about what everybody else thoughts, happiness,
baby just came bubbling nowhere.

Speaker 1 (00:20):
Dead ass, dead asss Hey.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Wait. I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 4 (00:49):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth.

Speaker 1 (00:59):
And I think about the truth. We about to take
Billows off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
I'm gonna take y'all back to.

Speaker 4 (01:15):
Two thousand and way back in to time ity Tenkay,
And it's the crazy part when I talk about happiness
in this has nothing to do with relationships particularly, but
we're gonna talk about how it affects relationships.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
But twenty ten, I just came back.

Speaker 4 (01:31):
Kadeen and I were trying to figure out what was
gonna be the next steps. We knew we wanted to
get back to where were financially in the NFL, but
we didn't know exactly how to start. And I remember
I was starting to build my sports performance business and
I was at poly Prep working. I trained a young

(01:53):
man named Dave Frederick. Shout out to Dave, went on
to Wagner played offensive line for them Division one school.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
It'stat alland shout out, what's up, Dave.

Speaker 4 (02:02):
But after I trained Dave, Dave had given my brother
and I we changed him for two months and afterwards
he gave us one hundred dollars each and a bottle
of wine.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
I was like wow, like like a light bulb went off.

Speaker 4 (02:17):
It was like it was like, Dang, I can actually
get paid because of my expertise. And I actually saw
his transformation. You know, he lost some weight, he got faster, bigger, stronger.
I said, I could teach athletes how to get an
elite shape. They can be like like Dave's like the prototype,
oh elite prototype athletics.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
That light bulb moment.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
So we're in Brooklyn, We're at poly Prep.

Speaker 4 (02:41):
Poly Prep is one of the most expensive schools for
day schools in the in the country, all let alone Brooklyn,
and I started to tell people what I wanted to do.
And every time I told someone what my plan was,
they were just like, I can't see it working.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
And I was like, whatch me.

Speaker 4 (03:00):
So they started giving me all of these reasons as
to why I would work. First, they was like, okay,
you got one person to pay who is at poly Prep.
That person is at poly Preps. Money has money. I said, okay,
I could make it work in inner cities. Yeah, but
if you make it too cheap, you'll never make any money.
I'm like, dang, that's true.

Speaker 3 (03:17):
Right then there was we don't really have any athletes
that come out of New York like that that do anything.

Speaker 4 (03:21):
Remember all of that. Yep, nobody's gonna pay for that.
Nobody cares enough. Poly Prep it's a different thing. So
I said, what if I get a gym and I
can charge more because I have a space and they're
not training in the park.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Oh, training in a gym is too expensive. You won't
be able to do this, you won't be able to
do that. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Speaker 4 (03:36):
So for about a year, I listened to everybody else,
and I was traveling around the city.

Speaker 1 (03:45):
I spoke at in Brooklyn, the Bronx Queen, I spoke
in Long Island, spoken Stanton Island, spoken Jersey, just trying
to get some kids to join the program.

Speaker 4 (03:53):
And I listened to what everyone was saying. I set
my price point based on what everyone else told me.
I set my location based on what everyone else telling me,
and I also set my plan for marketing based on
everyone else telling me.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
And you know what happened. It flopped. It flopped. We
went around.

Speaker 4 (04:11):
My brother and I spoke for eight weeks, going all
these different locations and engaging in all these different conversations
with people, and we only had three kids sign up
to this camp in that summertime. Two of them were
family members. So at that point I was about to quit.
I was like, man, this will never work. But then
I said, you know what, Deville, how about you just
go back to what you thought you were going to

(04:34):
do in the very beginning, like not doing a version
of what everyone else wanted to give me. Why don't
you do your own version? And I did, and ten
years later Elite Prototype Athletics was a fully fledged business
in Brooklyn that serviced the community but also was then
able to generate enough money where I could buy my

(04:54):
own gym and branch out and doing a lot more
philanthropy work. So the moral of the story is stop
listening to niggas okay.

Speaker 2 (05:05):
Who have not done what you're trying to do.

Speaker 4 (05:07):
Fact, and I'm explaining how this relates to happiness when
we return.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Oh, the trickle down effect.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
So I actually have a different song, different type of song.

Speaker 3 (05:20):
Right, you were very excited about this karaoke song. I
want to hear what it is because you think about
a lot of songs that deal with happiness, right, because
I'm happy.

Speaker 1 (05:29):
But I think we've done that before.

Speaker 3 (05:30):
Well, the thing is, that's a great song, But you
don't just get to be happy, right, No, you don't
just get the struggle of it getting to the happy.

Speaker 4 (05:39):
So, speaking of the pursuit of happiness, this song is
a score let me see if you know it ready.

Speaker 5 (05:56):
It is giving a beyonces and take it to the
mom you just so I know you just saw beyones, sweetie.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
Also, everything is beyond.

Speaker 4 (06:04):
You don't remember the scene, okay, so I'll paint the
picture for you. There's a gate, there's a gate. There's
a basketball. There's a basketball in the bag. A kid
is holding a basketball in the bag.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
He gotta fro Jaden Smith.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
Yes, yes, all right, clicking but gag.

Speaker 4 (06:27):
Okay, okay, don't ever let nobody tell you can't do so.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
It's dream. Gotta protect it.

Speaker 2 (06:40):
Oh, you're right.

Speaker 1 (06:42):
You see something, Go get it?

Speaker 2 (06:45):
Period, brother will, brother will, brother will?

Speaker 1 (06:49):
What happiness? Now that it makes sense, it makes sense different.

Speaker 3 (06:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was more the score of the music,
not the song song. That's sure, as he wasn't on
the soundtrack, so I don't believe.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
No, it's a score, but I'm pretty sure it's a
song that's attached to a song for sure in the soundtrack.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
Right.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
But it was very impactful. Yeah, and yeah, makes.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
Sense that that scene in that movie meant a.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
Lot to the scenes in that movie.

Speaker 4 (07:21):
Yeah, when you say that, I realized, like then there
was another scene but that scene in particular because it
was like he was talking to his son, but he
was talking to himself.

Speaker 1 (07:30):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
It's trying to get himself to believe it right, right.

Speaker 4 (07:33):
He was talking to himself out loud so his son
could hear it, but it was just almost like yeah,
And he also realized how he was projecting all the
stuff he could do on his son.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
And do you well, I want to say favorite scene,
but the most emotional for me was which one them
in the in the bathroom when he sleep there with
his son.

Speaker 4 (07:54):
But yo, that's that's let's take a break. I want
to go back to that scene. Let's let's take a break.
I want to go back to because this is actually dope.
It's actually dope. All Right, we're gonna take a break,
pay some bills, come back, and we're gonna discuss everything
we're talking today.

Speaker 1 (08:06):
Perfect, Okay, we're back.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
We're back, all right.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
And I really wanted to talk about this movie, but
also I wanted to talk about how this movie and
well not just this movie, but the ideas that this
movie portrayed kind of reflect exactly what it was that
created what you and I have and how we can
project this onto as many people as possible. Right happiness Right,

(08:36):
happiness for a lot of people isn't how they feel.
Happiness for a lot of people, is everybody else telling
them that they've reached a place of happiness, you know
what I'm saying. So, for example, in a relationship, I know,
I don't know if guys do this as often as girls.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
But I know women do this. Right.

Speaker 4 (09:00):
They meet a guy, they're happy with the guy, then
they ask their friends what they.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
Think about the guy all the time.

Speaker 4 (09:07):
Right, And then if their friends don't approve of the guy,
now they no longer liked the guy that they were
excited about because they didn't get the approval from their friends, right.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
You know what I'm saying. Men often don't do it
as much.

Speaker 4 (09:20):
I don't want to say that, because you know, we
always seek approval for our friends too. But it's like
if I like Shorty, I like Shorty, Like you can
say what you want, but I like Shorty. You know
what I'm saying. I feel like for us it's a
little bit different. But that's not even the whole point.
That's a completely different discussion. The point is is that
other people can take your happiness away when you seek
their approval for the things that you already feel happy about.

Speaker 1 (09:41):
And that's the sickness.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
I can see that.

Speaker 4 (09:43):
And the scene you talked about before we went to
break was when Will was in the train and I'm
gonna show you how powerful this scene is.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
He's in the train.

Speaker 3 (09:52):
Station, and prior to this, they had gotten kicked out
of a couple of the homes that they didn't make
the time frame that they were supposed to get there
to get a bed.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
So this was like nowhere to go, literally nowhere to go.

Speaker 4 (10:03):
It was him and his son. They had the little
thing that he was calling a time machine, and his
son looked distraught. So he knew that the only way
he could get his son to go along with what
he was doing was to make it a game. So
he was like, oh my gosh, this is a time
machine and we want to be in the caves and
the dinosaurs, and he started to talk to his son's

(10:24):
imagination until he watched a smile come over his son's
face and his son became happy. Then they went into
the bathroom. He closed the door. May act like the
bathroom was the cave in his heart. He was crying,
and then we watched him cry as he was scared,
but his son was calm and happy because his dad
told him he should be happy.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
But that, to me is the power of projection, but
also the power of.

Speaker 4 (10:50):
Learning not to let other people project their ideas on you.
As a child, It's okay if my dad told me
I should be happy and everything's going to be fine.

Speaker 1 (10:58):
As a child, you're like.

Speaker 2 (10:59):
Cool to say.

Speaker 3 (11:00):
That's a difference like a child, And that's the beauty
of being a child, right, the beauty of just knowing, like, oh,
I'm going to go with the flow, and I really
got anything to worry about that in a sense alone, Man,
you know how many times I wanted to just backtrack,
just go back to that moment.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
You have no worries.

Speaker 3 (11:14):
But we can even see it with our children right
how we approach anything. For example, Jackson's first debate competition, right,
first debate competition, the Valot had an opportunity to.

Speaker 2 (11:26):
Go away that weekend. We both said absolutely not.

Speaker 3 (11:30):
I was being honored at an event that I was
supposed to be accepting the award at. Could not attend
because why we absolutely had to be there in that
moment and It was for me in part because I
knew that I needed to make sure that he was
going to be okay with this being his first debate competition,
and instead of me projecting the nervousness or the doubt

(11:50):
that I may have had in that moment on him,
we took a totally different round, and we do. There
was so many different things when it comes to our children,
but just showing the excitement around it and empowering him
and showing him how to prepare for it, it really
just changed the whole tie absolutely for him. So as
a child and a parent, or at least within this relationship,

(12:11):
I think we've become more I think at this point
now we understand that the kids really feed off of
every little bit of energy, and that they see us
happy in a moment or think that we should be
happy as we approach something that could be scary, They're
bought in it, really bought in absolutely.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
I mean that's a great point because you and I
have learned over the last year and a half how
to change what we project onto our children. Right because
we were talking about the pursuit of happiness. But that
scene with him on the basketball court, he shot the
ball and said I'm going to the NBA.

Speaker 1 (12:43):
And then his dad was just.

Speaker 4 (12:44):
Like, you know, you're a little bit tall at an
average high you know, not really athletic. I wasn't really athlete,
so you may play high school at best. And then
you watch his son put the ball into his bag,
and that's what made him realize, like, you know what,
that was messed up, that I just did that right
to my son. But that lesson and the lesson in
the train station and what you just mentioned about Jackson

(13:05):
is really what I want to touch on today. Right,
we have two responsibilities of people, right in the pursuit
of happiness. The pursuit of happiness is not only to
find your own happiness, but also not deter other people from.

Speaker 1 (13:17):
Finding their their happiness.

Speaker 4 (13:18):
Yes, right, And that's really what I wanted to touch on,
which is why I chose that song and we chose
this movie. Because people think you only have one responsibility.
And in this world today, we've all become extremely selfish. Right,
It's all about me, me, me, me, I I self care,
self care, which is very important, you know, but they've
turned mental health into a selfish thing almost, you know, right,

(13:41):
A lot of the narrative now is I got to
take care of me and screw everybody else. But I
want to challenge that because we have two responsibilities as people.
We don't share this world with ourselves. We share this
world with a bunch of other people. So I think
we all have to learn the power in seeking other
people's approval but also unnecessarily projecting our perceptions of life

(14:06):
onto other people because of what that can do for
their happiness.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
I also think self care, too, is sometimes not even
just a scapegoat per se, but it's just making sure
that you are taking care of yourself so that for
so that you can be of service to other people
that were it matters right, right, So taking care of
yourself so you can be of service to your family
or to your children, or to your career if that's
what you so choose. I just think that waters get

(14:30):
a little bit muddy when people use self care or
use mental health as a way to just make an
excuse or to bow out a situation where someone may
be depending on them or they may have, you know,
as a particular role that requires them to act in
a certain way or to perform in a certain way,
and then the scapegoat becomes oh, not mental health, oh

(14:53):
self care.

Speaker 2 (14:54):
You know, so it could be tricky.

Speaker 4 (14:55):
I feel you people need to really look at what
qualified as a mental health emergency and what is just
like I don't feel like doing it, you know what
I'm saying. But realistically, in the pursuit of happiness, you
should do what you want to do unless it puts
other people to at is a detriment if your actions

(15:18):
are a detriment to other people. And that's really what
what I want to focus on, Like why do we
as people always seek affirmation from everybody else for stuff
that we are going to be responsible for in our lives,
And that's relationships, career, children. You know, people ask me
all the time like how are you so comfortable sharing

(15:40):
your life? Like how are you so comfortable sharing? You're
not concerned about what people say? You're not concerned And
I learned this through football. Right, people are entitled to
have their opinions about what you do and who you
are they are. Everyone is entitled to think what they
want to think, but you, as an individual, are also

(16:03):
entitled to block out the ideas and opinions of others. Right,
We don't share because we are seeking affirmation. I don't
put something on the Internet hoping that everyone agrees with
what I do. I'm just sharing what I do as
a testimony, as a possibility for someone else to do
the same thing if they choose to.

Speaker 1 (16:21):
If you choose to walk in the same life as
I do.

Speaker 4 (16:24):
Say you want to be monogamous, you want to be married,
you want to have kids, you want to get into
TV film.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
Here's an option of how I did it. That's all
it is.

Speaker 4 (16:34):
I'm not sharing my life for people to confirm that
my life is great or horrible. And I think oftentimes
because of social media, that's what their happiness has become.

Speaker 3 (16:45):
That's absolutely it. Someone recently, I forget what event I
was at, and a young lady was making a post
on her Instagram and she said, I don't know about
this picture.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
I like it, but I'm not sure. But you know,
I'm going to post it in this moment.

Speaker 3 (16:58):
I'll just turn the life off so that way I
can't see how many people like it or not. And
I was like, what was the purpose of that? And
She's like, be cause it's gonna mess with me. It's
just gonna fuck with my head. Like if I post
it and I only get a couple thousand likes, then
I'll probably just archive it or take it down. Wow,
So I said, so you're strictly posting this just to
see what other people will think of the photo, and

(17:19):
because you don't feel confident enough in this photo.

Speaker 2 (17:22):
It's like a trial and everything. Let me just post
it and see.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
Let me take the likes away from it for my
quote unquote mental health, because if I look at it
and there's not enough likes on it, then it confirms
the fact that this was.

Speaker 2 (17:33):
Indeed not a good picture.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
And I'm like, Wow, that's the process that some people
go through when it comes to just something which we
think is as simple as posting on social media.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
But it's not that simple for some people.

Speaker 3 (17:44):
It really is and has become like the be all
that ends all, and that barometer for people deciding what
is good for them.

Speaker 2 (17:54):
And it's insane.

Speaker 4 (17:55):
It is insane, Like I'm glad you said. I'm glad
you said insane because to me, that is literally the world.
It's insanity. It is insanity for you to believe that
if you put out a piece of art or something
into the world and one hundred percent of people have
to agree with the same thought process of what beauty
is or what intellectuality is, if that's even a word.

Speaker 1 (18:18):
But the fact that you think that is insanity.

Speaker 4 (18:21):
Like there is never going to be a time where
everyone agrees that something is right. You know, there are
nuances throughout life, and I want to implore people to
challenge the notion that everyone has to agree with what
your life is for it to be great, because we
don't write like if your life, for example, my life,

(18:44):
for what I want it to be, is great because
this is what I want out of my life for
someone else in a different part of the world. Hell,
even my next door neighbor could look at my life
and say that's too much. I don't want a house
that big. My other neighbor could be like, that's not enough,
that house is too small. If I'm concerned about what
they feel about my house, then I'm not in the

(19:07):
pursuit of my own happiness.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
I'm in the pursuit of someone else's happy. You see
what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (19:12):
Half the time, the pursuit of the happiness that others
that you're in pursuit of. They don't even be happy neither,
so they won't even know what makes them happy either.
And it really clicked to me, and you helped me
with this so much when we met and as we
started dating and building together in our relationship and me
just as an individual, I was raised to always seek
confirmation and affirmation from outside sources. It could have been

(19:36):
someone as simple as my mom. It could have been
as simple as my grandmother. It could be simple as
strangers who I have no dealing with, who have no
impact on my life. It was always about how something
looked to somebody else. Example, when you and I will
plan the trip to go to Jamaica, it was spray
break right the first time Devana and I were trying
to go away on vacation together Spring break book the

(20:00):
trip to Jamaica.

Speaker 2 (20:01):
You had never been. This was two thousand and maybe.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
Right in college.

Speaker 3 (20:05):
Super we were in college from break and his dad
went ahead and booked I think maybe through his time
share something this you know, resort for us to stay
at for spring break week. Initially, I already knew what
I was dealing with when it came to my mom
and dad that I had to present this as some
sort of group activity so that Deval could potentially get

(20:26):
lost in the shuffle right, presented it as a group activity.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
The fact that we thought this was going to work
is insanity too.

Speaker 3 (20:31):
For it's being nineteen years old, right, So I'm like, okay,
if we're presented as a group activity, then we have
more of a chance that my mom would be like,
all right, Kaden will.

Speaker 2 (20:43):
Rule with the girls and the guys will room together. Right.

Speaker 4 (20:47):
Sure, I'm smile so hard if you're not watching on
Patreon and you're listening, I'm smiling so hard right now
because this was insanity to me that we actually thought
it was.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
Gonna work, right, and it did.

Speaker 3 (20:58):
In my mind, I was like, like, yeah, it's a group.
We're all going away to spring break. People were in college.
That's what people do, they go on spring break trips.
So then as the trip got closer, she's like, well,
who's going Who's mom?

Speaker 2 (21:11):
Can I speak with such and such? As Mom?

Speaker 3 (21:13):
I'm like, we're still doing that, and I'm in college
twenty years old.

Speaker 2 (21:17):
It's still doing that. So then I could vote pretty much.
I could vote with smoke. Okay, yes, and my cigarettes.
I don't smoke cigarettes either, but I'm just saying, you know.

Speaker 3 (21:30):
So, then it came down to the time where she
wants to speak to all of these moms to be,
you know, on the same page about what's transpiring. And
that's when I had to say, well, mom, you know
all these people backed out and it's just going to
be me and de vou.

Speaker 4 (21:43):
The way you kind of broke it down is like
he was, you know, so I finally had to come
to it and tell the truth. No, you said, finally
had to come do it and tell her. Everybody else
back down. This is what we thought was gonna work the.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
Truth right in this moment.

Speaker 3 (21:57):
So clearly at this point, I'm like, oh, that was
had already paid for this trip, like we can't have
this man lose his money, Like how dare we? So
I figured I was just letting her know that it
was just going to be me in the vowel, and
she was just like you go away with him some together?

Speaker 2 (22:14):
You and some why some? Why are we together?

Speaker 3 (22:18):
How exactly do you expect for me to tell your
grandmother this? And what will your aunt say when you
a girl of your caliber it's traveling overseas.

Speaker 1 (22:28):
This is why she said all of this.

Speaker 4 (22:30):
I was sitting right there and I was tapping k
okay while we have this conversation with me right here now,
with me, just do this right now.

Speaker 3 (22:36):
And I was like, first of all, it's not a why. Okay,
this is the val my boyfriend who you know? Was
this while you were still coming by the house?

Speaker 1 (22:45):
Did you say I was still coming by the house.

Speaker 4 (22:47):
It was after this whole thing is that I was like,
I ain't coming by because after the whole comments and
picture me Sharon Joseph, director of nurse and riverman I
Care Center, she went down her whole occupation.

Speaker 3 (22:59):
It's her whole Imagine me telling people that my daughter
is away with some wak break.

Speaker 4 (23:06):
Picture me, director of nursing riverman Caena telling the people
I work with my daughter as away with some why
and Jamica overseas for days at a time.

Speaker 1 (23:16):
It was like, how did we get here? How did
we get here?

Speaker 2 (23:20):
Bruh?

Speaker 3 (23:21):
And it was simply that was the reasoning. Though that
was the reasoning. It wasn't that, you know, guys, I
think it's that little inappropriate. Y'all you know are underage.
I don't think you should be going away together because
of X y Z reasons, because of safety, none of that.
It was strictly because what would people think or say
about me and about her as a parent. And that

(23:44):
is literally the microcosm situation of how I was raised
to always be concerned with other people thought. And finally,
once you and I started dating, and you just really
showed me like, Okay, what exactly do you have to
gain by being so overly concerned about what other people think?

Speaker 2 (24:03):
Who are these people? First off?

Speaker 3 (24:05):
What are they offering you in your life that should
allow them to dictate the things that make you happy?
And I really was like, you know what, bye, George.
It clicked, It clicked, clicked.

Speaker 1 (24:20):
People ask all the time how did I get here? Right?
Because even you asked you was like, how did you
get to that point? You grew up the same way.

Speaker 4 (24:26):
I grew up in a Southern Baptist house where everything
was about church and church folks and the clergy and
what would this person think and that person think? Like
it was so bad in my house growing up, I
had braids. My mother would make me undo my braids
every Saturday night because she felt like people would talk
about me being a dog if I went to church
on Sunday with braids, to church with my afro out.

(24:47):
She'd rather me have an afro than wear braids because
braids was associated with hoodlum activity.

Speaker 1 (24:53):
But afros wasn't. No, it was like the dumbest thing.

Speaker 2 (24:57):
So you just walking to church, which fists up and
you know me, I'm just gonna play all the way in.

Speaker 1 (25:02):
I will black the whole time.

Speaker 4 (25:03):
Oh god, it was a funeral every Sunday I went
to church and I'm proving the point, but sell you.
But this is how I literally got to this point,
like I'm not this great person with all of these
ideas of how to solve happiness.

Speaker 1 (25:18):
You know what happened? Football happened. And the eye in
the sky. You know what the eye and the sky is.
Don't lie the iron. The sky is the camera.

Speaker 4 (25:26):
They film every practice, they film every game, and you
get a chance to watch what it is that you do.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
And when you for years have.

Speaker 4 (25:35):
To watch what you do, but also watch what you
think you did and then watch it on camera, you
realize that your reality, your perception, is not the reality.
So then you start to realize but wait a minute,
if my perception is not the reality, that means all
the other people's perceptions ain't the reality neither, So why
am I listening to people who are going to have
a slant view of what I do with my life.

(25:55):
I'm the only one that can control what my life is.
I can't rely on other people who have slanted perceptions
of what my reality is to tell me what's gonna
make me happy. Oh, tell me what's gonna work for me.
That's why it works. With jobs and work with your kids.
I can give you every idea. For example, when it
comes to your kids. Oh, I wouldn't put my child

(26:17):
in that school because my daughter did da da da
da da da dah. So now, oh that didn't work
for their daughter, it won't work for mine, right, Not true,
Not true at all. I've seen so many different families
and different walks of life have successful kids through Brooklyn.
I have kids that went to Polyprep. I have kids
that went to public school. I have kids that went
to specialized high schools like Bronx Science in Brooklyn Tech.

(26:39):
And they've all been successful in all these different walks
of lives. But if you ask them during the time,
what's the only way to be successful, it's what they
did with their children and made that successful.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, you see what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (26:52):
So watching that over years, first through football, But then
watching how people interact with their kids, I realized, like, yo,
you have to make a decision for yourself and learned
how to navigate what your reality is instead of listening
to other people. I've also watched other people with their
kids try to follow other families and it not worked
to work out.

Speaker 2 (27:11):
That's so true, it don't work out.

Speaker 3 (27:12):
Think about when we were signing Jackson up for his
first year of school, so we were doing our due
diligence as brand new parents. Right, there was such a process,
particularly living in New York and Brooklyn with the school
system right public schools were depending on where we were
we were zoned and probably one of the worst public
schools and Crown Rights. Then there were an interview, like

(27:35):
a very rigorous interview process with us and with Jackson,
and for private schools and the independent schools, then there's
just like, oh, what's the right there's a test for him.

Speaker 2 (27:45):
It was almost a test for us.

Speaker 3 (27:46):
I feel like I felt like everything was was we
were on a display. It's like they were touching us
right you know where, and it became stressful for us,
like wearing the right outfit at the time, and like
not saying the saying the wrong thing, like was Jackson
gonna have a good day where he was like on
and you know, there were so many different things that
went into that school process. And someone told us about

(28:08):
a program I think it was called Early Steps, Early
Steps where they were able to you go and it's
pretty much all minority children.

Speaker 1 (28:16):
Early Steps for what it was.

Speaker 3 (28:18):
Yes, so devout aunt chiddy, shoutout town Chatty told us
about Early Steps Steps and this is where pretty much
all black children came to be in this pool of color.

Speaker 1 (28:28):
It wasn't all black children.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
True, but majority I would say majority.

Speaker 3 (28:32):
I say that because it was probably one of the
few ways that black children could get into the schools,
right private school, whether it be a scholarship or whether
it being like they're taking only two to fill their
diversity quota, whatever that looked like in the moment, which
was another whole thing for another day.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
But this is what the process that we had to take.

Speaker 3 (28:53):
Whereas your cousin Cale was successful in it where she
made it into the program, Jackson actually ended up making
it into the Early Steps program and he was one
of the children that they were now trying to sift
into a independent school and he ended up being waitlisted
for I think majority of the schools and never ended
up getting in.

Speaker 4 (29:09):
Well, no, remember we he had got into Brooklyn Friends
and they had sent us the bill.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
Remember we had got into Brooklyn Friends. Yes, and k
calls me, Kate calls me, that's the right the email.
The email came in for Brooklyn Friends.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
Which we loved too. At the time, we were like,
this is the bombs.

Speaker 4 (29:25):
It wasn't far from us, yeah, and we were just like, okay. Well,
she was just like okay, so it's gonna be three K.
So I said, okay, three K over ten months, that's
three hundred dollars a month.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
We can do this. She laughed, laugh she said, I said,
I said, why are you laughed joking?

Speaker 3 (29:41):
Now?

Speaker 1 (29:42):
She said, it's three K a month month, thirty thousand dollars.
I said, for for brea K. What are you teaching
my son?

Speaker 2 (29:50):
That's okay.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
There is nothing that they can guarantee me that this
child will be or do at three years old for
thirty k.

Speaker 1 (29:58):
In no way, there's just there's no way.

Speaker 2 (30:01):
And that was just like, you're absolutely right.

Speaker 4 (30:03):
And at the time, there were so many people around
us telling us, if you want your child to have
a good education, you got to go through this.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
You can't put them in a public school.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
The only way, it's.

Speaker 1 (30:12):
The only way.

Speaker 4 (30:12):
And we were just listening and we were stressed out,
we were paying in and then Mayor Deblasio won and
he announced UPK, which is universal pre K, which means
that the city was going to pay for anyone going
into pre K that year and they didn't have to
go to a public school.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
They could go to private schools and get a stipend.

Speaker 4 (30:31):
Yes, So Jackson qualified, yes, and that's when we found
the learning, the learning experience.

Speaker 3 (30:37):
They had a great time there and some teachers, and
I was like, look at God, look at God.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
And we really did not have to pay a cent after.

Speaker 4 (30:44):
That, and we chose and you know what, we got
some flack from people, not flack, but it was like,
he got a chance to go to Brooklyn, friends, why
don't you just find a way.

Speaker 1 (30:53):
And I said, it's not about finding a way.

Speaker 4 (30:55):
At the time, we couldn't afford thirty thousand dollars a
year for private school that we just couldn't afford it.

Speaker 2 (31:02):
This wasn't a thing.

Speaker 3 (31:02):
And everybody who had opinions, I was like, do y'all
want to put up a selection plate, go fund me.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
I don't know. We didn't have good fund at the time.

Speaker 1 (31:08):
We did not have trying to do this. Then you no, yeah,
we didn't have the money option. But that's a great
story you told, because think about it. If we were
so focused on making other people happy, you know, we
would have did we would have scraped top all our
pennies and been spending our money for three thousand months.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
And struggling, struggling.

Speaker 4 (31:23):
Instead, we chose to use that money to invest in
our future, and we sent them to TL and it's
worked out very, very well.

Speaker 3 (31:31):
And then from TL they were able to between them
and us, you know, really just working with him. He
tested for the Gift of the Talented program, was in
the ninety nine percentile and then that was a whole
other mess where they put him in the school all
the way in the.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, it was a Bronx, the number three, the number three,
the number three school.

Speaker 3 (31:48):
In the city, which was amazing, But I'm like, how
am I going to air lift him there?

Speaker 2 (31:50):
Every day?

Speaker 3 (31:51):
Like how exactly what was that going to get in
New York traffic to and fro. They literally made it
impossible for us to even be able to take him there,
which ended up happening. And then I had to fight
tooth and nail to get him in the Gifted Intelligent program.
Well he tested for it, but getting into school that
was in Brooklyn that was close enough for us and feasible.
So I say that all to say, if we really

(32:13):
think about what other people are going to think of
the journey that we take with our children, with ourselves, bruh,
it's an instant set up for failure.

Speaker 4 (32:22):
I got to give one more example and then we
can take a break and do listening letters. I gave
them an example with work, not listening to people, we
were able to advance our careers because we followed our
hearts in your relationship. This is how the pursuit of
happiness will help you in your relationship and not seeking
affirmation for someone else. I get this all the time.

(32:44):
Listen to this scenario because I just got it with you. Okay,
and yo, d what's up?

Speaker 1 (32:51):
Was good?

Speaker 4 (32:53):
I see Kadean went to Sweden and go see Beyonce?
Yeah she went with girls? Yeah cool? How long would
you let your wife stay away?

Speaker 1 (33:04):
You know?

Speaker 4 (33:04):
She goes in the girl's trip and I'm like, what
would you how long would you let your wife stay away?
And then I remember when when dj Envy was talking
about Gia had went away for three weeks and they
had asked us when we were on the Breakfast Club
Shout Out the Breakfast Club, shar God and dj Envy,

(33:24):
they asked us, you know, like, you know, would you
be upset if your wife went away for a girl
shrip for three weeks? My first thought process was and
DJMV literally had the same thought process though, but why
would I care? How upset y'all get about what me
and my wife decided on? But then it made me

(33:46):
realize when people asked me though, how long would you
because I see K went away, and I'm like, dude,
why are you asking me what I think is okay
for my wife?

Speaker 1 (33:54):
What do you think is okay for your wife? And
what is your wife think it's okay for herself? That
his questioning and their questioning is a couple to me,
is the problem?

Speaker 2 (34:04):
Well, maybe he was trying to get some sort of
confirmation for you, like see devour only let K go
away for four days when you want to go away
for a week.

Speaker 1 (34:11):
But that's the problem, And that's the problem.

Speaker 4 (34:13):
That's the problem is that you can't find happiness if
you're trying to tailor make your relationship to other people's standards.

Speaker 6 (34:19):
If you we over me New York Times bestseller Me Baby,
But but but seriously, though, it's like we as people
consistently find happiness with our partner and then let other
people talk us out of our own happiness.

Speaker 4 (34:37):
Yeah, doing that? Why would you let your Why would
you let your girl do that? I would let my man.

Speaker 1 (34:42):
Same thing with you. Remember when we were younger in
our relationship and I go to strip club with my
friends like that, and you would get them comments like
you still let him go to strip club. It's like, yo,
you know, like if we found something that works.

Speaker 3 (34:52):
For us, the man, he is as an adult. He
is an adult who can make a decision, an informed decision.
I was informed. Am I supposed to have a problem
with it? Then you'll be thinking that you're crazy. Sometimes
if you don't have the problem with.

Speaker 1 (35:06):
You feel crazy.

Speaker 4 (35:07):
If you don't have a problem, but you like, I
really don't have a problem, Like you're supposed to have
a problem. Now they're disrupting your happiness, but you've let
them disrupt your happiness by including them in a decision
that you've already made.

Speaker 3 (35:17):
Bruh.

Speaker 2 (35:18):
Be careful of the people you have around you.

Speaker 3 (35:20):
I have another person recently got into a relationship, you know,
was in the first maybe three four weeks of the relationship,
you know, disclosed to me. You know, this is the
person that I'm seeing now. Really like this person, awesome individual, like,
you know, hours on the phone, like feel like I
knew him for years type of things. So I'm like, oh,
this is giving me a devo vibes. I'm like, girl,

(35:42):
you know, maybe this is your husband, you know. So
we're chit chatting and everything. End up going to an
event where we see another friend. Well, this is a
friend of hers at this point, this is not my friend.
This is her friend. Now, okay, so you have to
tell me about this guy. Her friend comes and she's like,
don't mention. Don't mention the guy I told you about.
And I was like, oh, okay, no problem. So the

(36:04):
three of us are there, we're chit chatting, and she
did not want to bring up this guy.

Speaker 2 (36:10):
And after the fact, I was just like, what was
that about?

Speaker 3 (36:13):
And she was just like, just because I feel like
you know, she's my friend, but I just feel like
anytime I show that I'm like remotely happy about something,
or you know, meet a guy, and then she starts
to get weird or she tries to convince me why this.

Speaker 2 (36:25):
Is not a good idea.

Speaker 3 (36:26):
So I said, Oh, your single friend over here, that's
been single for the past six years. You know, that's
just been like trying to figure it out for the
past whole life. Yes, that's who we're trying to compare
notes with. Okay, gotcha, she said, But yeah, I just
don't feel that energy anytime I seem like I'm excited
about something.

Speaker 2 (36:44):
So I said, well, that means.

Speaker 3 (36:45):
That you need to rehash if this person is indeed
a friend or is this person in their own competition
with you? Like you can be in situations like that
where you don't even realize that the people closest to
you are deterring you from what could be one of
the happiest moments or one of the happiest things to
happen in your life because they are jealous, jealous, not

(37:08):
happy exactly wish they were in that position to misery
loves company.

Speaker 2 (37:14):
Oh baby, were gonna be single together forever?

Speaker 3 (37:16):
On some Golden Girls type shit like you know that
is also a very big possibility too. So it was
crazy in that moment because I'm just like, Wow, I'm like,
this is supposed to be one of your good friends
that you cannot even disclose this too because for fear
that she will try to steal your happiness from you
in that moment, So y'all be careful who you have
around you.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
I feel you on that.

Speaker 2 (37:35):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (37:35):
Here's the thing, though, You're never going to know who
that person is. Well, you will know at times and
when you know you should separate them. I want people
to realize that those people can give opinions you don't
need to listen to.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
You don't, you don't, you don't, but you.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
Know what you need to listen to these ads is
coming up next transition that I'm becoming the host of
dead Ass podcast.

Speaker 2 (38:02):
You know, listen after eleven seasons.

Speaker 3 (38:05):
After eleven seasons, baby, I said, let me take you.
You take your stab at it, all right, baby, I
hate I'll be taking a lot of stab sure as
no do that part. We'll be back, y'all.

Speaker 2 (38:14):
We'll be back.

Speaker 3 (38:25):
All right, y'all were back for listener letters. Let's get
into them and see what y'all talking about today. You
want to go first, baby, go ahead.

Speaker 4 (38:34):
First of all, I want to shout out my sister
for putting me onto y'all's podcast. I knew devout from
watching the team and sisters shout out. Yes, I hate
just jumping in on the middle of things, so I
had to take it all the way back to the
beginning of the podcast.

Speaker 1 (38:45):
To catch up.

Speaker 4 (38:46):
Now, Oh dope, Can I just say that I love
the show. How relatable you guys are and how you
just how you guys just love on each other. Well,
thank you so much. I've never met a married couple
whose relationship resonated with mine until now. Me and my
husband have been together since I was fifteen and he
was seventeen. Oh that's a long time. So you know,
we've had our fair share ups and downs. Now we're

(39:06):
about to be thirty five and thirty seven, twenty eight.

Speaker 1 (39:08):
They like us, I'll say eight twenty years. We have
three kids. Hey, will we be yelling that? And we
just celebrated thirteen years of being married.

Speaker 2 (39:15):
In thirteen years and in July, so very similar. Okay.

Speaker 1 (39:19):
My husband is a great provider, protector and a great father.
I also try my best to be a better wife
and mom each day. Like Kadeen, I grew up in
a household where things were swept under the rug, so
I struggled with expressing myself and I had bad communication.
Over the years, I have gotten much better about expressing
my feelings and communicating my needs to my husband. He
has done his best at meeting most of those needs,
and I appreciate him and make sure to tell him

(39:40):
and show him. But of course it's always a work
in progress. So my question is how can I get
my husband to be more romantic. He has his moments,
but it's very rare that it happens. I always plan
our date nights and getaways, birthdays and special events. I
want to.

Speaker 4 (39:54):
Be the one that gets surprised. I am a very
simple girl. I don't really care about materialistic things, nor
do I care about extravagant things. It's the small things
that count. One of the most special things that he
has done for me in the twenty and was in
twenty twenty when everything was shut down and my birthday
came around. He woke me up early before any of
our kids were awake. He had a hot bath of

(40:15):
a hot bath full of rose petals ready for me
to just show to just relaxing before getting my day started.

Speaker 1 (40:22):
Totally surprise me.

Speaker 4 (40:23):
How can I get more moments like these regularly and
not just during a pandemic?

Speaker 2 (40:27):
Mmmm?

Speaker 3 (40:28):
Well, you as a guy being romantical, because you have
a lot of romantical moments. Yes, it's cute, and I
mean the romance doesn't necessarily look the way I expected
to look all the time, but I do enjoy the
moments that you do take the time to be thoughtful.

Speaker 2 (40:41):
I wonder if she's had the conversation with him about it.

Speaker 1 (40:44):
Moments don't look like what you be wanting.

Speaker 3 (40:46):
No, I'm just saying sometimes in our mind as women,
you think about like fairy tales and all these things
that we see as like romantic moments. But I've learned
that you are romantic in your own way, and I
love that because it's all the thought that counts.

Speaker 4 (40:58):
Oh, this is news to me because I thought I
was doing exactly what you wanted.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
This is news to me, and we just opened up
a new can of worm.

Speaker 3 (41:06):
No. I love those moments like something that was super
romantic and it was kind of like at a difficult
point in our life. But it stands out, it stands
out as one of the more romantic things that you've done.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
And the romantic ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 3 (41:21):
It was when we lived in California, and remember Ian
miscarried that baby that I was pregnant with in September
twenty twenty and you weren't able to be there. I
ended up coming to Georgia to see you for a
little bit. That's actually when we found this house. And
when I went back home, I got to deliver at
the door and there were three large white, no, three
large red bouquets of roses, and then one white to

(41:47):
represent the.

Speaker 2 (41:48):
Baby and then the baby we lost. And that was
just so romantic in that moment.

Speaker 3 (41:52):
I didn't never understand that's that's something I would have
thought of to do like that to me in that
moment wasn't a romantic thing per se, but it was
romantic right because it was a moment that I wasn't
expecting that that's what I meant romance.

Speaker 4 (42:07):
I was like, yeah, sometimes it doesn't look exactly like
how I am envisioned it, but I accepted nonetheless, I'm
just grateful.

Speaker 3 (42:14):
No, I'm just saying yeah, But as a guy. I know,
sometimes it's harder for y'all to think about ways to
be romantic. I know I struggle with that as a
woman because I'm just like, oh, you see romance, Like,
how do I how do I, you know, express romance
to you? It's not necessarily the way I would want
to receive it as a man.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
And a woman.

Speaker 1 (42:33):
Oh yeah, I mean it's definitely different.

Speaker 3 (42:35):
Des I did romances, crop tailed booty shorts, walk around
the house, make me a sandwich, you know, pack my
bond like that's.

Speaker 1 (42:41):
I'm glad you know that that's romance.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
And I've learned that I was not going to care
about rose pedals.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
All over them. No no, no, no, he's.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
Not drop your ass on the floor and there we go.
It's romantic. You gotta learn your partner.

Speaker 1 (42:54):
You know, well you just answered the question.

Speaker 4 (42:57):
Sorry no, no, no, no, I'm what you just said is
the word learn your partner. And if you're a woman
who loves a different level of romanticism, tell your partner
what you like, and it's up to him to decide
whether or not he wants to engage in that. And
then it's up to you to decide whether or not
you are willing to receive what he is giving you, like, ultimately,

(43:18):
he just got to open your mouth.

Speaker 1 (43:19):
Of course, I like.

Speaker 2 (43:20):
That that's romantic to development.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
But she said that she's usually the one that plans
all these things too, so he may just be a
creature of habit at this point and say, oh, well, baby,
you're normally the one that's planning all these special events
and stuff like that, and you do it well, so
you know, why not ruffle those feathers if everything is
working out. But he may not even see or know
that you're desiring a bit more.

Speaker 4 (43:41):
Well, I'll say something too to speak to them. Because
they've been together since fifteen seventeen. He's never gone through
the courting process as a fully fledged adult.

Speaker 2 (43:49):
That's true.

Speaker 4 (43:50):
He's been with her since he was a teenager, so
he's never had to date.

Speaker 1 (43:54):
So how does he really know what to woo someone?
Romantics look like, Yeah.

Speaker 4 (43:58):
He's never had to do it, So I would say
tall to him, let him know exactly, because if y'all
been together this long, he seems like the type of
no that seems you said everything, all of your needs
and wants he provides.

Speaker 3 (44:09):
Yes, he's got to protector prod o grandfather. Y'all seem
to have a really healthy relationship. So yeah, tell me
a little spicy, empower me to do something a little strange,
change that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
And I think, y'all, you know this girl of freak,
you have no idea she been talking about have.

Speaker 2 (44:29):
To be because, like I said, that's what romanticism looks like
to you. So I gotta do what you think is
romantic in these.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
That's another thing too.

Speaker 4 (44:36):
Don't let other people tell you your partners not being
romantic because they don't agree with what their idea of
happiness is.

Speaker 1 (44:44):
Right.

Speaker 4 (44:44):
For example, we have always of being romantic, and then
you'll hear other people like I ain't doing all of that.

Speaker 1 (44:49):
Anybody asked you to do all that?

Speaker 4 (44:51):
Right, and my pursuit of happiness, I'm asking Kay to
do that same thing. Men, be like, I ain't doing
all that for no girl the other night, and Kay then.

Speaker 1 (44:59):
Ask you to do didn't she asked me to do it?
And if we're going to do.

Speaker 4 (45:02):
It, Yeah, pursuit of assiness.

Speaker 1 (45:08):
There you go, There you go period.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
All right, good luck to y'all.

Speaker 3 (45:13):
Hopefully that works out and Herbie finds ways to be
more romantic.

Speaker 1 (45:16):
I guarantee you he will.

Speaker 2 (45:20):
I try this.

Speaker 3 (45:21):
I would really love that, you know, that'd be dope.
All right, Hello King and Queen, I could really use
your help while staying anonymous. And this is a long one.
All right, girl or guy. Let's see. I'm at a
crossroads and unsure what to do. My partner and I
have been together for five years, living together for three.
We have the typical trails trial. Sorry she said trails,

(45:41):
but I think they made trials. We have the typical
tru trials like every couple, but accomplishments cause conflicts. My
parents and family lived two hours away, while her mother,
her main and only considered family, lives in another state.
Her mother moved a year ago or so, so she's
now a travel nurse. Whenever there's a time to be

(46:02):
happy or celebrate with family, she seems to support me
until it's time to be around my family. She never
wants to come with me or wants to speak to
me while I'm away. She tries to make me feel
guilty about telling me how sad and lonely she is.
I try to have her either see if her mom
could come with us, we go to her, or she
goes on her own. Of course, there's always an excuse

(46:25):
or scheduling conflicts, but I try. I usually only see
my family for Thanksgiving and maybe a day trip two
to three times out of the year. Birthdays, promotions, holidays,
especially Mothers and Father's Days always end up with arguments.
My family views and treats her as if she is family,
but she always rejects it and says, I'm not the same.

(46:45):
Since say this is not the same because it's not
her blood. I don't know what to do, and I
don't want to live a life of dimming my success
or not sharing it with my loved ones to make
her comfortable. I try my best to understand or find solutions.
Maybe there is something that I'm not seeing. What are
your thoughts? Seems like family is a trigger for her.

Speaker 1 (47:07):
She said, it's just her mom. This is just her mom.

Speaker 4 (47:09):
She's probably used to only being aroound her mom, and
it could be triggering for her to be around large
groups of people and it don't feel she doesn't feel comfortable.

Speaker 3 (47:16):
Or does it know how to be comfortable in a
situation where there's people in this family and there's love
and there's like you know, yeah.

Speaker 4 (47:22):
Or it could be a thing where she's manipulative and
she just wants to pull them away from his family
because she wants to have access to him all to herself.
Like there are so many different options. The truth of
the matter is he knows this woman better than.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
These are two men, two women.

Speaker 1 (47:38):
They don't know.

Speaker 4 (47:40):
They know this person better than we do. So it's
gonna it's hard for us to give advice on what
to do. What I will keep saying is, though, is
if you keep trying to open her up to your
family and she keeps rejecting it, there's gonna come a
point where your family's gonna start rejecting her as well,
and then you have to make a choice of whether
or not you want to continue to live in this
type of environment, because I've seen it in so many families,

(48:02):
even in mind, where one spouse pulls another spouse away
from their family, and then it becomes a thing with
they're the outsiders, yes, and then it ever fels down
to generation and be like, oh, you know that aunt
or that uncle that don't talk to nobody, well, their
wife or their husband don't fuck with us.

Speaker 1 (48:18):
It's like, why, you know, why is that the case?

Speaker 4 (48:22):
You know, people have their own reasons and their own
traumas that cause them to act that way. So I
think he should investigate and learn more about her, or
they should investigate and learn more about her so that
they can understand why they're moving that way.

Speaker 3 (48:35):
Right, And I don't see anything here about children, because
usually two children also add a layer of wanting the
children to see a particular side of family. But I
don't see anything about children here, So it may just
be that they are a couple who's dealing with that. Yeah,
it seems like there's some kind of issue around family.
And my thing is if you're making the attempts to
get her mom to come to hang with her or

(48:57):
to be there for her, or you're encouraging that and
then declines it, then I'm wondering is there an issue
with her and her mom as well too? It doesn't
seem like she has like a healthy family environment or
relationship when it comes to family, So I would say
there probably has to be some deeper conversation happening here.

Speaker 4 (49:15):
I think he or she needs to focus on your
partner and find out why they are behaving the way
they are. Once you find out why they are behaving
the way they are, you can make a decision on
what and whether or not you want to continue moving forward. Right,
It's clearly your family is important to you and you
should never have to choose.

Speaker 1 (49:29):
For sure, you know you should not have to choose.
You should be able to find someone who is in
synergies with how your family works. So that's what I
would do.

Speaker 4 (49:35):
I would investigate, find out what her thought process is,
and if you can't figure something else that works with me,
I move on.

Speaker 3 (49:42):
Yeah, because some people just usually genuinely just don't know
that there's a problem. For example, we had issues earlier
on where you felt like the kids were going to
my family more than they were going to your family,
and really there was no malice from.

Speaker 2 (49:54):
Any party involved.

Speaker 3 (49:55):
It was just a matter of convenience a and it
was a matter of speaking out against.

Speaker 4 (50:00):
Who That's different though, because neither one of us had
an issue going to each other's families.

Speaker 3 (50:05):
It was.

Speaker 4 (50:07):
Making choices of where the kids were going to go
when you needed help, and my family feel like they
didn't see the kids as much as difference. Right, That's
different than nobody not wanting to be around your family
or you not wanting to be around mine?

Speaker 3 (50:17):
Now, I was using that example just to just say
that sometimes parties involved are thinking different things, and it
may be no malice intent or any harmful intention there.
It's just that if you don't have the conversation about it,
you don't understand the other person's idea or how they
feel in that moment.

Speaker 1 (50:34):
The example was just.

Speaker 4 (50:34):
Off of me because I was like, did she clearly
just doesn't want to be around his family?

Speaker 3 (50:39):
I know, but I'm just saying, has she expressed the
reason why? I'm just saying the conversation needs to be
happening because there may be a valid reason around.

Speaker 4 (50:46):
So she just makes excuses. He said that he's tried
to include her. See, that's what I'm saying that. I
think the example is different because you if I told
you there was a problem, you didn't make excuses to
why you couldn't do it. You were just like, oh,
this was my thought process, and then we made moves
to change.

Speaker 1 (51:03):
That so that we could be fair.

Speaker 4 (51:05):
It seems like he or she is constantly trying to
make provisions in this person here, she is just always
making a different change always.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
She shows a pattern of deliberately avoiding it, which is
different than what you gave, right.

Speaker 3 (51:18):
But the thing is she's not being vocal about why
she feels the way she feels. I'm just saying, if
someone's not vocal about why they feel the way they feel,
then you're left to your own devices of just guessing.

Speaker 2 (51:27):
And it doesn't seemed like she's been vocal with him
or her.

Speaker 1 (51:30):
I understood what you're saying.

Speaker 4 (51:31):
I just feel like the example was confusing for me
at least because we were two parties trying to find
a split in the middle, and it seemed like she's
not trying to find a split in the middle. She's
just ye, I don't want to come around your family.
I only want to be around my mom. But then
when you leave me, it's almost like narcissism. But then

(51:52):
when you leave me, even though I said I don't
want to go, I'm gonna call you every day until
you make you feel guilty about not being there, but.

Speaker 1 (51:57):
Doing it like that's just messed up you. You were
never trying to.

Speaker 3 (52:01):
Be messed up you, no, exactly, but conversation alleviated that.

Speaker 2 (52:05):
So hopefully you were able.

Speaker 3 (52:06):
To have a conversation with her and find out what
is the actual problem.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
To really rate listener letters. If y'all want to be
featured as a listener letter, continue to write into us.

Speaker 2 (52:16):
We love to hear from you. Email us. That's the
best way to get in touch.

Speaker 3 (52:19):
Dead assadvice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 4 (52:22):
That's d E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (52:28):
All right, time for a moment of truth. We're talking
pursuit of happiness. What that looks like for you? Who
were including? Who were excluding? How do we get to
the root of budding happiness?

Speaker 1 (52:39):
Very is very very simple to me.

Speaker 4 (52:41):
We have one inaliable right on this earth, and that's
to survive by any means necessary. During that survival, you
want to be happy, right, So if you really truly
want to be happy, look within, stop looking without. It's
the same thing I've been preaching with every aspect. Look within,
don't look without. And also don't project your unhappiness on

(53:02):
other people because as.

Speaker 1 (53:04):
Humans we have a responsibility.

Speaker 4 (53:06):
Not only we have one inailiable right, but we have
responsibilities to ourselves and the people we frequent.

Speaker 1 (53:13):
So don't make your life's goal to make other people unhappy.

Speaker 3 (53:18):
Moment misery, shouldn't love company huh, no moment of truth
for me. I think I'm actually going to steal your
soundbites from earlier and just say that happiness is an
extreme solo sport. You are responsible for your own happiness.
You cannot project that on anyone else. Your lack thereof
also cannot be projected on anyone else. Nor can you

(53:40):
attempt to get into relationships, whether it's romantic or not,
expecting for someone to then make you happy, because what
that does is put the onus on other people and
not on you.

Speaker 2 (53:51):
Okay, So good luck, y'all.

Speaker 1 (53:55):
And be sure to find us on Patreon. It's the
exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and you can find
us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast.

Speaker 2 (54:02):
Kadine I am and I am devout And it's right
because you kind of chat this screwty, but it's cute.
It was cute.

Speaker 3 (54:10):
And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review,
and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.

Speaker 1 (54:17):
Dead Ass dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast
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