May 3, 2023 • 48 mins
You know we can't end the season without a round up of listener letters. In this episode, the Ellises get all in your business and give their best advice. Dead Ass.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I love listening to y'all mess dead ass, and we
asked y'all to write details to support your story, but goddamn,
y'all got trouble in here. Really invested reading novels, okay, novels,
but we love it.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Keep it coming, dead ass, y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philosof to our whole level.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
If I could mail my heart right to you, am,
I packed up seely tight.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
And that's send it up anight. Hey, that's myself. Shout
out to Johnny. Where are you at now? Where the
girls at? Johnny? Y'all were a vibe back of the day.
You're still a vibe. You're on my playlist like on rotation. Still.
Oh man, So let's take a break, because you know
breaks are very necessary. So stick around. We'll be back. Oh,
(01:43):
We're ready, We're back. What's with the face? Did you
start looking at the firstness letter?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Matt Man? Got me up on the dan carpet. He
moving me around, Matthew.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
This chair keeps shifting to shoot.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Jam Are you yeah?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
I'm gonna die write in and read this first one. Hi,
I'm a listener from Brooklyn, Brooklyn. You're We've been following
your journeys since the beginning and I'm a huge fan.
I love you, guys, and this podcast is amazing. Your
truly inspiration and an inspiration for the culture. Appreciate you.
My husband and I, like you guys, have been together
since we were nineteen years old. We have three girls
(02:22):
and have been married eighteen years together. Twenty three guys,
very similar. We just don't know about that girl life.
He tends to go out with coworkers. I'm not bothered
by him going out. I trust him, but he has
a tendency to come home really late. I've been trying
to tell him that five am is five am is
not a respectable time for a husband to be coming ol, Sir,
(02:45):
When I go out, I never stay out that late.
Am I wrong for wanting him to come home earlier? Deval?
In your opinion, what is respectable?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I get me to talk about boy bag list?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, Deval? In your opinion, what's your respectable time to
come home when you're married? If you're out at three am,
I'm bugging. Three pm? Am I bugging? If I feel
like coming home is at five am? Is ridiculous. Oh
so he's been out since three pm till five.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
I think he's a teacher.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I think he's a teacher because for him to be
out at three pm, he has to work and teach.
He doesn't work in already to work.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
At seven to seven to three, depending on the shift.
He could be like a nurse. You know. He feels
like he should be able to come in at whatever
time he wants, as long as he's not cheating on me.
There shouldn't be a time limit on when he comes in.
If he comes in at nine am the next day.
I should be fine with it. He's crazy, question mark
or am I? Because that's unacceptable. This is an ongoing issue,
(03:42):
and I don't know how to get through to him
that it bothers me. It just feels like he doesn't
give a damn. Am I wrong? I don't have trust issues.
It just bothers me. And I'm one of those wives
that doesn't breathe until he's home. I can't sleep, I
can't think straight. I'm paranoid, scared, anxious, just a miss
I get that part. I hate it it. I just
don't know how to get through to him any advice.
I completely get that. It's funny that she put that
(04:04):
in in the very end of it. I said, because
for Devaleni, whenever you're out or whenever I'm out, I
think it's like a reciprocal thing that you just can't sleep,
like you're just concerned about the well being and safety
of your spouse. So that's a very very valid thing.
Devaleni over the years never put any restraints or time
(04:26):
limits on us being out without each other, whether it's
out with friends or work or whatever. However, a consistent
five am. What do you think about that.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I don't know if it's a consistent five and we
don't know how often he goes out. This is the
biggest thing, right, And I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Oh, she just said he tends to go out with coworkers,
and she's not bothered by it.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So if my boys come into town and we go
out right and we go to a club, there's a
good chance that they may go into the club closed
at three o'clock and I come home at four o'clock.
I I've come home at four o'clock before. Absolutely, you
haven't had no issues with it. So, and my thing is,
we never tail and make our relationship to anybody else.
So I don't think they should tell and make their
relationship to anybody else neither. This is the biggest thing
(05:11):
if you don't trust. If you trust him and he's
being honest, and he's like, yo, babe, I'm just out
having a good time.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I'm not cheating on you. That's all he can give
you is his word.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
You can't put a timeline on when somebody's supposed to
come home, like we're adults, Like you can't do that.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But is there also too, like a protocol in place,
like a touch base, right, So is he gone from
three pm until five am? And do you hear from him?
You know what I'm saying, And not even just a
check in to be like, where are you at? Let
me see your surroundings, because she says she doesn't have
trust issues. It's just more so a touch base to say,
hey babe, I'm all right, still out, I'll be home
at X y Z time.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Well, that's what they have to create with themselves.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
They have to find a way to make it good
for both of them, Like he can't just not be
out with his friends just because his wife don't want
him to go out. But also he can't just stay
out all times at night and leave his wife home wondering.
They have to converse and create something that works for
the two of them. And it doesn't matter who tells
them what's a convenient time, It doesn't matter whose opinion.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
It is about what's a convenient time.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
If he doesn't agree to that time and she doesn't
agree to him being out, they have to work on that,
you know what I'm saying. After someone else's opinion about
what time he should come home, it has to be
up to them. And here's the thing, we don't know
what career he's in. If he goes out once a
week and he say he works long hours and the
only time he gets to go out is once a
week with his co workers and they stay out till
(06:29):
five am, there may be a reason why they may
be stressed and want to blow off some steam. You know,
it could be a thing where they don't get out often.
We don't have enough context. I will say this as
a husband and someone who cares about how my wife feels.
I will always make you feel comfortable, even when I'm out.
If I'm going from a place to another place, I
(06:50):
do it. Hit you like your babe, I'm about to
head over here. I'll hit you when I'm get there.
When I get there, you know what I'm saying. Just
so you know and you're aware. I will also say this,
you leave some time and you'll be going for hours,
and don't text me because you don't think it's that
big of a deal. It could be a thing where
he doesn't think it's that big of a deal because
he knows he's not doing anything and I'm about to
be home.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
That's true because I have been in that position where
I'm just like, well, I'm just here at you know,
Sophia's house, and we're chilling. We're not doing nothing, We're
just here chilling it.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
And I'm like, you're supposed to text me when you
get there, and I'm worried, and you.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Just carried away at the moment and you're just like,
oh shit, I didn't even realize all this time past.
But yeah, Sis, I think you need to continue to
have the conversation with him and continue to reiterate that
it isn't a trust thing, it's more of a safety thing,
or it's more of a respect factor, Like, hey, like,
we're going to be living in this house together. I
can't put the alarm on, and you know, God forbid
somebody roll up in here at a certain time. You know,
(07:40):
I got my gun at my bedside. You know what
I'm saying. I feel it can be in so many
different reasons as to why, but never, never not have
the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Yeah, the conversation is the biggest thing.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And one thing I will tell you is don't ask
other people what time he should come home, right, because
now he gonna be like, I'm not listening to the motherfuckers.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I'm not.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Listen nobody. If my wife ever told me.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Well, somebody else said that you should a good time
at twelve o'clock, I'd be like, good, we'll go marry
that person.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Exactly, y'all to figure it out.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
That's the biggest thing is y'all continuously talk about it though,
for sure?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
All right, thanks for writing in and on to the
next number two.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Number two, Hey, Kadeen and Devo. First, I want to
say I love y'all. Thank you so much. Kadeen, I
love you. I love how you carry yourself as a woman,
wife and mother.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Devou.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I love your personality and your class. Yet freak yourself,
haph I'm a freak Devou. Thank you for showing men
that it is okay to be emotional and to share
your feelings with your significant other and allowing men to see,
especially all black men, how to be a leader without
being controlling.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, I appreciate that.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
The thing I thank the Lord for platform such as
this because as a twenty nine year old woman, the
topics you guys discussed when not talked about in the
household and hours either.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So we're on the same page. Thank you. So I
need some advice from Kadeen in Deval. We're gonna try
our best. So my boyfriend and I have been together
for a year. I love our relationship. He treats me
so well.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
We are truly best friends and love is easy, the
best relationship I have ever been in. Our sex life
has gotten better since we met, just over time learning
about each other and communicating likes and less dislikes.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
My dilemma is this is that when it is time
for me to do that special thing which I love
to do, he wants to release and that scares me.
What I've only done it a few times in my
life and I did not like it. Not to be
too explicit, but he wants me to swallow it or
split it out, but I truly hate to taste from
(09:42):
previous experience. My man is very clean, I knew when
he said when she said he wants to release. My
man is very clean, works out and eats well, which
I heard is a benefit for him and me when
it comes to that, which is true, What do you
recommend for me to do to help release my nerves
and please him in that way? His birthday is coming
up and I would love to give him.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
A treat, trying to think of the special gifts, you know,
the gifts they keep on giving.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Well, this is the first thing.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Hm.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
If that's the gift you're giving me only on my birthday,
we got bigger product because it's fucking Wednesday today.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Man, it's not my birthday, and I might want to release.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
But for her, seeing as though listen to something that
it's a little complicated for her, I don't know, girl,
Like I guess.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Everybody likes their own person's flavor.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I can well, she says she ain't like the other
person's flavor.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
She tried so somebody else.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
She's scared, right, So.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You can't bring that into this relationship. Sys you can't listen.
I'm gonna do what my man wants me to do.
With the exception of one thing. Divide knows. That's my
red light. I got a red light situation, like nah Son,
it's a red light situation. So she saunds that she's
on the yellow. You know, she's about like make it
to the green. I think she just needs to go
(11:04):
for it. Go for it, like wherever it lands, it lands,
and you may aim for certain places and it doesn't
quite make it there. But it's in the theatrics of
it for me. Okay, you can't tell me. No, I'm
not a whole porn star when these moments happen, and
I embrace that, and I embrace that and I live
with it and I enjoy it. I think for me too,
it's sometimes seeing your reaction, right, it's not even always
(11:27):
about me and then being in my moment like this
is my Oscar moment. It's more so you are a though, yeah,
you are a performer by nature. I am a performer,
So I like the theatrics for myself because I can
tell when I'm putting on a show. But it's more
so looking about It's more so looking to him for
his reaction and how he's feeling in that moment.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Let me explain something to you guys about my wife.
But I'm being too explicit. The first time Kadeen did this,
I was afraid. It was like she was chewing gums.
I was like, hey, hey, is not supposed touching your
teeth that much? All right, you gotta stop, You gotta
stay no experience in the field, No, you didn't, and
(12:06):
you also didn't have the elasticity in your jaw needed
to do what needed to get done.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, the skimming was just killing me. You've you've definitely
gotten way better.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
But this is what I will say to couples about
pleasing your partner, because I don't think this is just
a women issue when it comes to that, because I
get a lot of men too.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Just be like, man, I just don't eat pussy like
I just don't.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
And I'm just like, listen, if you are requiring that
the person that is with you be monogamous to you,
you are going to have to be comfortable doing and
trying things that they like to do.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
It is unfair for you to be like, you can
only be with me, and you only gonna be with me,
and you can't be with no one else. And I'm
not doing that.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
It's the last person that did it, did x y Z.
I'm not the last person, right.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
That's just not fair.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
It's not fair, And truth be told, you might enjoy
it when you love somebody and you off being of
service and pleasing someone.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
You learn to enjoy things or not learned.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
You realize you enjoy things that you didn't enjoy with
other people because there are certain things about people that
turn you off, that stuff that you even like to
do you wouldn't like to do.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
For example, I tell this to some of I'm like,
there's some women.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Who are attractive, that are attractive, who I think are
super attractive, who the minute they start talking, I do
not want to fuck no more.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Seriously, what turns you offude the It could be the conversation, It.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Could be a conversation, It could be so many things
that a person, something about the person's order just turns
you off, where that primo sexual being in you is
just not into it with them.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You know what I'm saying. It don't matter what they
look like.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
It could just be a chemistry thing, right, But when
you love.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Somebody, it's like I will do anything with this person,
you know what I'm saying. So the reason why I'm
saying that is willing to try. If you love him
like that and you want to please him, just try it.
But don't go in there thinking about what the other
person's tasted like. That's not gonna help. This could taste
like Krispy Kreme donuts and now you being there every
day trying to get what's hot, fresh hot off the line,
(14:10):
you know what I'm saying. The light, The light beyond.
You know what the hot now sign is on? You
know what I'm saying, So don't fact and that's the truth.
Like there are certain things that I said I would
never do, and then I met you and I found
myself doing all the things because the chemistry was there.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
So, and if you're really like a pleaser, which I
think both of us are, Neither of us are selfish
love neither one of us. So both of us be
in the moment working to perform, okay, And I think
that's that's that's the thing that helps and the thing
that saves us is because it's not really about what
I want sometimes in those moments, about what is going
(14:50):
to get him to where he's going or trying to
get to yes, if that makes sense, And it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Goes both ways. Like I am a performer and I'm
a pleaser.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
I love performing When I know Kay is getting there
and I know what's about her, it's the grit.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I'll do whatever. It's like, let's go.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
And that's also what I'll enjoy about being monogamous because
I don't have to have those concerns about I hope
she's not doing this I hope I don't catch nothing.
Like the greatest thing about being monogamous is that I
can go through all of my fantasies with this person
and we can try stuff and feel safe.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
You know. So and she said her man is very clean,
works out eats. Well there's like, you know, I'll be
all in Devo's arm pits, like.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Yeah, she'd be all yeah, like and I'll be all
in her throat. But and y'all know, Kadeen is just
she's open about that, but in full transparency. Since we're
being a little nasty, I'm not going to just leave
it on you. In my life, I thought I would
never ever in my life, I thought that I would
(15:50):
be a kuchie eater growing up in Brooklyn around all
my West Indian friends. You know what I'm saying, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
By my neighbor boy.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
See that's all your that's all you over here. Now,
one of my favorite things is to have Kadean sit
on my face. Being honest, I went from pussy to
maybe trying to have a seat up here, trying to
have a seat. And the thing I love the most,
I love is when I'm standing up and she's sitting
(16:18):
up there and I'm just holding her up there Washington,
and then she's about to get to her point and
her feet can't touch the floor because I'm standing up
and she's just it's like she's floating on a cloud.
It's the greatest thing, gentlemen, it is the great hope.
You listen, lift weights, Listen, deadlift and squat. Practice at
least deadlifting and squad. Yes, your girls, wait before you
do this, because what will happen is when she gets
(16:41):
to that point and she starts to squeeze right, and
the oxygen starts to leave your head.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
If you don't have the balance and your whole equilibrium
is all right, right.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Right, the balance leaves you. It's a down Phraser, down
goes Fraser moment. So make sure. That's why I live.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
That's why I squat, That's why Deadlift's why lunge, you know,
That's why I do hang clean press to make sure
I can hold up and cane light. Now, k's a
smooth one sixty. Now I just smooth one sixty. And
I didn't have her up there as high as one eighty.
That's why I be in these weights. I'll be in
these streets, all right.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
I like it. I like what she up there.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
So please each other, guys, dead ass podcast, Please each other,
have fun doing it and be safe.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yes, be saved that too, and on that.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
We're gonna take a break. On this break, we ain't
gonna go do no pleasing, are we?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I mean we mney listen, stranger things have happened. All right,
y'all put it that way and we'll be back.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
All right, We're back, all right.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Number three, let's go, my fiance. I think it's on me.
You go the last one. Yes, my fiance and I
decided to elope in Hawaii October twenty twenty three. Oh,
so that's coming up. We have an infant, it does.
We have an infant, so that makes it more It
makes more sense financially to spend more money on a
down payment for a home. It's dropping thirty to forty
(18:09):
camp wed, I love it, not giving kadi. At twenty seven.
We are very happy about our decision and excited about
our elopement, as well as exploring the islands, hiking, sightseeing
all that. The problem is our families keep asking about
our wedding and sound so disappointed when we say we're eloping.
I'm really tired of the comments like, oh, well, do
(18:31):
what's best for y'all or you denying us a wedding.
Oh oh, and I also get questions and comments about
not having a bridle shower. I'm just not interested in
planning or paying for any additional events. My question is
how do I respond to these people without being rude
or sound alike. I'm justifying our decision. Girl. If they
(18:53):
want to throw your bridle shower, they can technically throw
you a bridle shower. You don't have to have. No,
the bridle shower technically has nothing to do with the bride,
the women rallying around her to throw something to celebrate her.
That's not stopping them from doing it. And if they
really do care about you guys and your union ultimately
not about the party, not about the day, not about
the facade, not about the instagrammable moments, they will decide
(19:17):
to get together and have a little something in your honor.
They can also don't share my camera get away. They
can also do is if you Elope and they really
are down for y'all, when you come back from Hawaii,
they can decide to have a little get together to
celebrate y'all's union. On their dime so they can have
(19:41):
their quote unquote wedding moment. Don't let these people do
to y'all. Don't let these people do And this is
Kadidia speaking as a thirty something year old woman. Okay,
at my big age, y'all finally figured it out. Don't
make the mistakes that we've made in the past, y'all.
If you do not desire a wedding, don't have a
wedding because ultimately it's not abo them anyway. And what
they're going to do is get you involved in this
(20:02):
whole wedding situation and then dump your ass after that
when you got to figure out how to be an
actual wife, figure that out first, and then keep it pushing.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Sound like you was all right, somebody triggered You's just
not you know what.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It's a couple of things. It's me having PTSD for
our wedding. Okay, it's having that. And it's just like
it makes so much sense, Like these people are speaking
from a place of maturity that I had not seen
at twenty seven years old. Had I known that, we
would have had a much smaller wedding with way fewer people,
and we'd have been on our merry way, things would
have panned out differently. I just wish somebody had told
(20:45):
me that early on, and they might have, but I
was stubborn in that moment, and I'll accept that.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
You know, there are over eleven thousand languages on the planet,
and today you chose to speak facts.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I don't have nothing else to add. Listen, people will make.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Comments you denying us a wedding and all this other
stuff always, but are not willing to contribute because people
want things to do, they want reasons to get dressed, they.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Want places to go, they want the instagram moable moments
when I Deval and I got engaged and we were
entertaining the idea of a destination wedding, which no longer
took place because our grandparents, who are the closest to
us for the most part aside from our immediate parents
and siblings, couldn't fly or couldn't travel, so we had
to ex the idea. But initially when I mentioned it,
we had a couple family members aunts and stuff like, oh,
(21:34):
I guess we'll see y'all when y'all get back. Oh,
we'll see you after the wedding. I'm just like nobody
wanted to even entertain the idea of saying, oh wow,
a destination wedding sounds like a great idea. Oh you
know what, we may not be able to make it,
but or give us enough time so we can plan
for it because we really would like to be there.
It was, Oh, well, I guess I see y'all when
y'all get back. I guess I will see you when
you get back. This how about that? Because what ended
(21:55):
up happening is we had the wedding in New York,
had over three hundred people there, and y'all couldn't put
a little something in the car that made it worth
my while. So there goes that. If I get out
my camera, get out my camera. So long story sources,
do you go to Hawaii, Elope and they see who
(22:17):
the real people are that will celebrate y'all once y'all
get back. Period.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I got nothing to add she said everything she just said.
My question is how I respond to these people without
being rude or sound like I'm justifying. I understand that
because you don't want to sound like you're justifying. This
is all you have to say. We love Hawaii, we
just want to do it with us.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
This is what we want to do.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
You don't have to justify this is just we just
love it. It's a romantic, it's what we dreamed of.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And be like, hey, I don't have to be rounded
with a bridle shower. If y'all really want me to
have a bridle shower, go ahead and throw on fee
the other day and I'll be there.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yep, that's it.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
That's all you have to Do's just be like, this
is our dream, this is what we want to do.
If you want to throw me something, throw me, but.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
This is what we want to do.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Y'all can play y'all's wedding and I'll be there for
that too, maybe.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And I'm gonna go get some waters.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Clearly she hot over there, her head if you're not listening,
if you're not watching, if you listen to her, hat
almost popped off ahead a couple of times.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Nah man, I'm just sick of people trying to please
everybody else Like I just I don't do that anymore.
That's thanks to you, though, You've you've You've made me
that way because I grew up in a space of
oh my god, what will people think? What will people think?
And now I'm like I don't give a damn when
nobody thinks I really don't. Either you hear or you
ain't makes me no, never mind.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I mean you're right. I mean you're right. I have
none to say. You're right. Yeah. I hope that helps
you do what y'all do, love on each other in Hawaii.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
That's a fact.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Yes, number four four.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Okay, So here we go with the exclamation point now
that I can tell already this is a signing. This
is long here all right, let's we pause. I have
never shared this story with anyone. Exclusive a year or
so ago, I experienced one of the worst moments in
my life.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
If someone would have told.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Me this is where I would be or how my
relation it will go, I would have never believed them.
I have never talked about this with my family or friends.
I'm nervous now.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
I'm a survivor of domestic abuse.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Two days before I went under surgery to determine if
I had endometrio cancer and why my ovaries were polycystic,
my boyfriend of many years almost killed me. I will
never forget the gun to my head, the black eyes,
the swollen knots on my head, and more. I couldn't
believe how someone I trusted and was going to spend
(24:30):
the rest of my life with could do this to me.
Instead of fighting back, a feeling came over me and
told me not to fight back because I didn't want
the gun to go off.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I would live to see another day.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
So when the next day came, I put on some
makeup to cover up the bruises and scars and went
home and never came back. Two days later, I had
my family take me to the hospital and had the surgery.
I put makeup on so that no one would notice
in the hospital or at home what it transpired. I mean,
I couldn't tell my brothers because that would have become
a real problem, and I didn't want to face the
(25:02):
shame I felt for having gone through that.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
It took me a long time to recover.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
While this is hard to read, because I was suffering
from many things, not just the surgery itself or the
knots and bruises, but from the mental and emotional toll
it took on me healing from abruptly ending a relationship
with him that was almost in a decade. Almost a
decade in I honestly believe that God had his hand
on me. He definitely did, because he saved my life,
(25:30):
and not only that, he gave me peace. But now
I am dating again, and I'm trying to fight the
nervousness that I am getting I feel getting to know
a new man when I haven't dated in a very
long time, and the silent shame that I feel having
to start over while I'm nearing thirty.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Do not be shamed for that. Mom, Do not be
shamed for that.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
My question for both of you is what kind of
advice could you give moving forward if this was someone
you knew who was starting to date after such a
traumatic experience.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
PS. I've been watching you all on ig since the beginning,
and I'm happy to see you all. For her shame,
this is the first. Yeah, this is the first thing
that comes to my mind.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
I think that she should see a therapist, someone professional
to find out.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Why she felt shame, so that she can deal with
why she felt shame.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
First and to because first of all, you could tell
she's already strong because she had the strength enough to
leave I was. You know what I'm saying, so many
abused people stay in abusive relationships. The fact that she
had the mental fororder to to leave is already like boom.
But I do think she should see someone to speak
(26:46):
to find out why she felt shame, to help her
unpack all of this. And after that, I think she
should tell her parents and her brother. She should feel
safe around the people she loves.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
The most about the repercussions because I know, oh yeah,
God forbid that was your sister.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Oh yeah, there's nothing stopping me from killing. There's nothing
stopping me. There's nothing stopping me from protecting the women
in my family.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I'll do a bit. I don't care like you like
something like that.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I don't care, right, And I know you said that
you're nearing thirty and having to start over. I think
the rhetoric that we've always been fed is that, you know,
thirty is that downhill portion for everyone in life. Right,
Twenties are supposed to be the point that's revered by
so many. You want to stay in your twenties. That's
why you joke about me forever. Life is not over
(27:38):
at thirty or nearing thirty. Life is barely begun, you know.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
I mean, she's followed us, and she knows that our
thirties from like the past eight to nine years have
been the best part of our life so far.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
For sure, for sure. And I know it's particularly difficult
for women because she also mentioned having surgery for the
you know, the polycistic over things like that, so I
know that that too is probably in the back of
her mind, like most women, is like I have this
clock that takes right, this biological clock that's saying, okay,
you need to have children by a certain point. And
if that's what she desires, and clearly she desires to
(28:13):
be in a relationship because she wants to start dating again,
and that's going to be hard to get past that
trust issue, port but you can start over at thirty,
for sure.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I just got to applaud her again for being so
strong one for leaving, but then to have the strength
to say I want to start dating again. You know
how many people go through something like this, They either
don't leave or then when they leave, say I don't
ever want to be with anybody again. Like one thing
I will say, this woman has a lot of strength,
a whole lot of strength. So I got to applaud
you on that. And if you're listening, well you are
(28:43):
going to be listening. First of all, thank you for sharing. Yeah,
but also sharing so that if someone else is going
through this, who's listening to that as podcasts understand that
it takes a lot of strength to leave, but it
is possible to protect yourself and your well being by leaving.
So thank you for sharing your story and giving hope
to people who are dealing with domestic abuse or are
(29:04):
survivors of domestic abuse that you're not alone, right, I.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Think you need to definitely heal. It's what you also
don't want to do is take this into a relationship
with somebody else and having them pay the price for
what's happened to you past as well.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
And you shouldn't have to keep reliving this, so you
have to Yeah, I think you should speak to someone
professionally to find a way to heal.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Holy, don't just on heel that I forgot about it.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
No, heal understand, don't blame yourself, no shame, and also
find the strength in the healing process to speak to
your parents and your brothers about it so that you
can feel protected. So now alone, Yeah, not feel alone.
You know you're going through this next phase in life.
If you know your brothers are going to be there
to at least be aware of what's happening. You have
(29:48):
other eyes on you, you know, like at least you
know someone's watching your back. That'll give you comfort, so
that if you're in a private place with someone, you
can feel secure because you know, my family knows what
I've been through and they know how to support me.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
So yeah, that luck. Thanks for writing in. All right,
number five? What's going on? Ellis? My name is Terry
and I'm your number one fan. All right, Terry, I've
been rocking with you too, from videos from Brooklyn with
the two boys now four hole princes get it sis
Kadeen development of fans since the Detroit Day as well.
I was actually pre go pray go with my oldest
(30:23):
son when you was on the team. Oh that's dope.
But now fast forward. I'm a big fan of winning
in happiness. So happy for you too. I wish you
well and all your endeavors. Just so happy. Side note
book on order hard copy. Thank you for that, Thank you,
Just so happy for the two of you. Appreciate that says.
This is feeling like an appreciation moment and not a
listener litter question. But we appreciate y'all so much. My
(30:45):
days sometimes start off wrong so I either hear your podcast,
watch a video, or something that makes my day go
all the way right. Deval, keep on protecting and providing
for your family. And if you ever wonder if you're
doing anything right in life, let me tell you that
you are. Kadeen honey, honey, Let me give you your flowers.
Cis your beautiful inside out. And I just love your
(31:05):
relationship with your husband, also showing that you can be
sexy for your husband and nothing is wrong with that.
I love you both. Oh, this was actually just and
a little appreciation. Oh that was cue. Thank you for
throwing that in there. Trible because there wasn't a question there,
But no, we honestly appreciate the love and the fact
that she said the book on order of the hard copy.
That means that people really listen. Because when we were
approaching this whole book thing and then realizing like, wow,
(31:27):
there's an opportunity to make the New York Times bestseller list,
there's so many different hoops and variables that are you
have to jump through and that you have to take
into consideration to make the New York Times bestseller list.
So it's not just about people. You know, an audiobook
and numbers. It's about a buzz around it. And I
mean our our team. I say our team, orders don't
(31:48):
like y'all team, our family, Like we love y'all for
really just always being in support of us. You know,
every new venture for me, at least I know, not
devout per se for me is like a moment where
I get a little bit of anxiety because I'm just like,
I don't know how this is going to be received.
And the book being a medium that I know is
something that can.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
Live on for like ever, they will never take they
can never take that away from and take that away
from us, and for that.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
They can never take that from y'all.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Like y'all are responsible for helping the Ealysis become New
York Times bestsellers. This is a young Brooklyn couple came
from humble backgrounds case families from the Islands. My family
is from the South, and we just building and doing
it together with all of you. So as long as
you continue to rock with us, we'll still keep rising
(32:35):
because we're going to still keep working.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Now. We appreciate that for sure, because some days I'd
be ready to clock out. I'd be tapped out, y'all.
But this keeps us going, so thank you for that.
Speaker 3 (32:46):
Yes, thank you, and that was a good one. Right
before we get down to number six, This is the
last listener letter.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
And you can tell this is a long one. Well,
that means that Broers came in with the deeps.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
Yeah, they got the details. Let me get the deep Shoot,
this looks like a series right here. This isn't even
a novel.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Y'all over here given inspiration for films and whatnot?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Right you two aren't such an inspiration. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
I love listening to your podcast and seeing your beautiful
family on social media. This is pretty long, so please
bear with me. It's a very difficult topic. There's so
much to the story, but I'll do my best to
paint a clear picture for you. I come from a
very religious, traditional household. I am a half white, half
Filipino woman dating a black man. We've been together for
nine years now. I always knew my parents wouldn't approve
(33:32):
of him. They told me as a young teen to
never date black men. But you can be friends with them.
They claim they're not racist, but have said a lot
of racist things. They are, more so what you would
call covert or hidden racist. When they found out about
my man a year later. A year after a year
(33:52):
later of us dating, they said he would not work
in the family. Their reasons were because he comes from
a broken family, is not afflic and does not make
enough money, but mainly because he's black. Despite the terrible
things they've said about him, my man agreed to meet
them better than me and my entire family. When they
eventually invited him over for Easter. My parents thought they'd
give him a chance. They would invite him for every
(34:14):
holiday get together and he would come to a gathering
about once a year or so, and after about five
years of us dating, he decided to not go around
them anymore, which I stand by him on that because
my parents were still saying demeaning comments behind his back.
At this point, what they are saying was not about race,
but about him as a human being, which will always
(34:35):
have the racist undertone because they started out with racism.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
They didn't take our relationships seriously.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
My mom would make comments like, oh, maybe you'll meet
a cute guy there, even though I've been in a
relationship for five years at that point, my parents have
the nerve to view him not coming around as disrespectful.
After years of him not coming around and my parents
not admitting that they've said what they said was wrong.
We are at a point where we're wondering what are
(35:01):
we going to do in this relationship, because honestly, I'm
having a hard time cutting my parents off. He wants
nothing to do with them. Ever, I don't blame them
whether we get married, have kids, etc. Which I totally understand.
I know parents are a huge piece in our lives,
so I always crave this connection with them. But if
I'm standing on my own morals, I feel like they
need to be at a far distance. I don't know
(35:23):
how to set this boundary because I'm so used to
big families coming together for every birthday, holiday, etc. And
now to cut that off feels alien to me. What's
crazy is if my parents were some random people to me,
I cut them off in a heartbeat. But they're my parents.
My parents have provided me with everything I've ever needed
growing up. They've helped me, They've helped make life easier
for me. They didn't do a good job of being
(35:45):
there emotionally, but I still give them their credit for
everything they've done for me and my siblings. To this day,
they still reach out to tell me they love me
and support me, but they're racist and won't try to
heal them and won't try to heal the relationship with
my men for how they've disrespect him. They believe we
should just put everything in the past typical and move
on and stop talking about it. They think we can
(36:06):
just move on by getting together and creating good memories
and that's all we got to do to make things better.
But that ain't cutting it for us. Unfortunately, they may
never change the way they think. How can I help
my man feel safe that he doesn't have to worry
about what my parents say or do anymore? And how
do I live my life with racist parents that'll always
(36:26):
be painful, that always painfully love and care about you.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Well, first of all, you can't help him feel safe
and worry about what your parents say, because that's who
your parents are, unfortunately, And I don't blame him for
not coming around. Why would you want to be in
a space where you feel disrespected because of them not
even trying to get to know him. Have they ever
tried to get to know him? Or is it just
(36:51):
a thing where they just have blacklisted him off the
bat because he's black?
Speaker 2 (36:56):
There's two things.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
The first thing is and this is just let me
speak until before anyone says anything.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
I have four sons. We have four sons.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
We often talk about hoping our sons find someone who
supports them.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
And loves them and helps them in some way.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Right, We also as people have been divided, right, and
these parents have a daughter, and they have their idea
what they want for their daughter. Your mom wasn't the
nicest to me when I first came around. We talked
about that your mom wasn't racist. But we're also both black.
But here's the truth. Some people in other cultures, because
(37:37):
of how black people are misrepresented in the media and
in society, are going to fear their child or sons
or daughters dating a black person or being with a
black person because of all the ignorant things that the
media has presented as black culture. Right, you have to
understand that you can't make it seem like that doesn't exist.
(37:58):
But we all so as people, have a responsibility to
educate ourselves on what is real and what is fake.
When your parents choose to not educate themselves on what
true blackness is and just follow based on what they
believe and use stereotypes and tropes. Even if they say
they're not racist, they are racists, right. And as a
(38:21):
black father, this is part of the reason why I
fear my sons marrying outside of their race.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
Right. I'm just gonna be honest and upfront. My issue
isn't even with the girl.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
I don't care if you're white, if you're Latin, ex
if you're Asian or Indian. I know how black people,
black men in particular, are viewed in other cultures. My
fear is that your daughter may love my child with
all her heart, but there may be somebody in your
family or your friend group who do not like my son.
And far too often in this country, black men and
(38:54):
black women go on vacations and go places with groups
outside of their black friends and don't come to.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
That is my fear.
Speaker 3 (39:02):
Situations like this where his blackness isn't accepted, but they
try to accept it, and then you find yourself not
feeling safe because you're in situations where people are saying
demeaning and condescending comments. And no one should have to
live like that. And when people ask me all the time,
like Duville, what do you feel about interracial relationships, It's
(39:23):
like I'm not anti white, anti Asian, anti Indian, anti
Latin X. I fear my child won't be accepted because
they're black. And my fear isn't even that they won't
be accepted by the person that loves them. My fear
is the people that they are around around exactly.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
And it couldn't even just see that her parents. Her
parents can eventually learn to say, you know what, I'm
going to learn who this man is and love him
for who he is because he loves and takes care
of my daughter. But then there may be the extended
families get those comments from as well. You know, I
have family members who have been married into different races,
(40:01):
and one in particular, like my cousin's family. I should say,
my cousin's in laws at one point kind of when
they first met her, would like make fun of the
way her name was pronounced. And it's like, if you
can take the time to learn other people's names, you
need to call her by her right name. Absolutely, don't
(40:21):
give her a nickname, don't tell her she looks like
she should be a this or that. This is her name,
and you need to respect her enough to call her
by her name. And this wasn't his immediate parents. It
was some uncle in the family, you know, and try
to make it a joke, and I'm like, it's just
not funny at all, at all, at all. I agree,
I agree with what you said.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
The reason why my bad go ahead, finish, fir No,
it's fine, and I was just The reason why I
wanted to give that context is because a lot of
times people outside of our race don't understand this.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
They ask questions, how could I make my husband feel safe.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
It's going to be impossible to make him feel safe
if he doesn't feel respected as a human.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
If he doesn't actually feel safe, right, No, no, no,
no no.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
If he doesn't feel respected as a human, he's just
not gonna feel safe because if you can't respect me
as a human, you don't value my life.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
People value the life of other people that they consider
to be human. Right.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
Part of the issue with America is that they've dehumanized
black people so much that it's easy to watch black trauma.
It's easy to watch a black man be killed in
the street. It's easy to watch a black woman get
killed or rape. Then no one says anything about it because, oh,
it's just a black person. But if you notice when
other things happen to people of other culture, you don't
see it on the news cycle over and over again.
(41:38):
It's this is too explicit to watch, but when it's
black bodies, let's just keep replaying it. And I keep
saying this because I want people to understand why black
parents fear their children dating outside of their race. This
is a fear of mine, right, Like I'm not saying
this is I don't ever want my my son is
to ever date outside their race.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
This is my fear.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
My black son, in all of his sweetness, one of
them and all of his his greatness, meets a woman
outside of his race, and that woman falls in love
with my son and they're just enjoying their time, and
they're just doing, you know, and enjoying each other's company.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
And she invites him to some place away from where we.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
Are comfortable, and my son is there, and everybody who's
watched the second Avatar can relate to this.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (42:26):
The thing I enjoyed about this scene in Avatar was
that it wasn't black and white. It was two different
tribes of the same alien species, but they were slightly
different colors. They were different so the brothers took him
out there into the ocean and led him to a
place that was dangerous and he could have died, but
they thought it was funny because it's like, oh, he's
just the this and they led him out there to
(42:47):
play this little game with him. It happens to black
people all the time because we've been devalued so much
as a people. When things happen to us, other people
think it's funny, and if someone loses their life or
gets hurt, it's not funny to us. All my fear
is something like this happening to one of my sons,
and it has nothing to do with the young lady
because she is willing to terminate her relationship with her
(43:09):
family because of the way they disrespected her man. But
to me, the damage has already been done, and we've
dealt with this on a more close situation. Of course,
because everyone in our friends group and family group don't
agree to be on the podcast, we don't want to
say names, but we've dealt with one of our friends
(43:30):
being in a serious relationship with someone outside of our
culture and their family disowned them and refused to even
speak to or include this friend of ours. And we
watched how much that hurt not only the friend of ours,
but the young lady that whose family they pretty much
excommunicated her.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
And then have the nerve to turn around and be like, oh, well,
just just forget about it now, you know, just just
like that generation, the parents, that generation of just forgetting
about stuff and expecting every Oh it's been so long
since that happened. Oh that happened so many years ago.
But no one wants to actually address the issue so
the healing process can take place to then move forward.
(44:12):
So I feel for her. I feel for her because
I know with me. For example, when you and my
mom had y'all little tiff in the beginning, you know,
it was a divide, like I of course had to
go see my parents, but also too, I knew you
weren't comfortable, so I didn't force you to be in
that environment in space where you didn't feel welcome. But
I eventually had to put my foot down and be like,
this is my life, Like this is going to be
(44:35):
the person I spend the rest of my life with,
have children with, Like this is what I see for
my future. So as a woman, I had to be
woman enough. I think in that moment to be like
mom and dad, this is what it is. You known't
added layer there for her though with the racial thing.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
But I think that she's doing what is in the
best interest of her and her relationship. But she keeps
asking what does she do about her racist parents. Your
parents are adults. They have a responsibility. If they want
to be in your life and have a relationship with you,
they need to educate themselves on how they can make
things better.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
It's not on you to constantly educate them.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Now, you can help in that process, but if they're
not taking the initiative to learn, it's a lost cause.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
It's a lost cause.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
And I would say, you know, you and your boyfriend
at the time, try to build the life you can
without having that level of ignorance around you. You know,
and if you plan on having children, make sure that
your children are aware of the ignorance that exists around them,
and make sure that they can be better than your parents.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
And that becomes hard because say they do have children,
and and now her boyfriend who may eventually become her
husband and now the father of her children, what if
he decides like yo, I don't want my children in
an environment where they may not be respected or received
because they're now half black, you know, or they may
be around rhetoric that is racist. Absolutely, So then that
becomes what now an identity issue for your children. It
(45:57):
becomes an issue of just disrespect. You know, there's so
many added layers once you start adding children to a
picture too. So that's something I think needs to be
healed and addressed. Even before that step is taken.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
All you just say fuck them, because if it was
my kids and I like say, this was the issue
with our families and I loved you so much and
I knew we were gonna build something great, then fuck them. Yeah,
you know, like we have to build what's we have
to create our own family and build moving forward. Like
your parents, Yes, they provided you with everything you have
and they've done their job, but they also don't get
(46:29):
to be ignorant and racist just because they provided you
with a life that.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
They gave you. You didn't ask to come here.
Speaker 3 (46:35):
They had a responsibility to provide you with the things
you needed to be successful because they created you. They
did their job, and now you can move on like
there's no there is in this day and age, with
all the information we have there is no excuse for ignorance,
no excuse for ignorance. Protect your peace, miss protect your peace,
protect your man's peace, and continue to build moving forward.
(46:56):
And if your parents don't want to get better and better,
that's on them.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Leave them in the past period period poot. All right, y'all,
thank you so much for writing in listener letters. Is
always a great episode for us. We enjoy hearing from y'all.
Thank you for the love and the support at all
the listener letters. I feel like in the beginning, before
they even start their story always you know, course it
to us and we love y'all for that, and we
(47:22):
thank you continue to write in. We will continue to
sift through what we won't Trible will she'll sift through,
and she'll definitely make sure we're putting in some awesome
listener letters to make sure that you guys get to
hear a perspective. Again, we don't profess to be professionals.
We're not experts in anything really, but we love that
you guys feel comfortable enough with the space that we
provide to not be judged, but to just kind of
(47:44):
help you hash through some moments. So if you want
to be featured as one of our listener letters. Be
sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
That's d E A D A S S A d
V I c E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:59):
Already sounds good. Be sure to follow us also on
Patreon to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and
you can find us on social media on Instagram, we
are dead Ass the Podcast, I'm Kadeen, I am on
Instagram and TikTok and I.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1 (48:19):
Thank y'all, Love you dead Ass.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
it's produced by Donor, Pinya and Trible. Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
miss a Thing.
I love listening to y'all mess dead ass, and we
asked y'all to write details to support your story, but goddamn,
y'all got trouble in here. Really invested reading novels, okay, novels,
but we love it.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Keep it coming, dead ass, y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philosof to our whole level.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
If I could mail my heart right to you, am,
I packed up seely tight.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
And that's send it up anight. Hey, that's myself. Shout
out to Johnny. Where are you at now? Where the
girls at? Johnny? Y'all were a vibe back of the day.
You're still a vibe. You're on my playlist like on rotation. Still.
Oh man, So let's take a break, because you know
breaks are very necessary. So stick around. We'll be back. Oh,
(01:43):
We're ready, We're back. What's with the face? Did you
start looking at the firstness letter?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Matt Man? Got me up on the dan carpet. He
moving me around, Matthew.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
This chair keeps shifting to shoot.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Jam Are you yeah?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
I'm gonna die write in and read this first one. Hi,
I'm a listener from Brooklyn, Brooklyn. You're We've been following
your journeys since the beginning and I'm a huge fan.
I love you, guys, and this podcast is amazing. Your
truly inspiration and an inspiration for the culture. Appreciate you.
My husband and I, like you guys, have been together
since we were nineteen years old. We have three girls
(02:22):
and have been married eighteen years together. Twenty three guys,
very similar. We just don't know about that girl life.
He tends to go out with coworkers. I'm not bothered
by him going out. I trust him, but he has
a tendency to come home really late. I've been trying
to tell him that five am is five am is
not a respectable time for a husband to be coming ol, Sir,
(02:45):
When I go out, I never stay out that late.
Am I wrong for wanting him to come home earlier? Deval?
In your opinion, what is respectable?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I get me to talk about boy bag list?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, Deval? In your opinion, what's your respectable time to
come home when you're married? If you're out at three am,
I'm bugging. Three pm? Am I bugging? If I feel
like coming home is at five am? Is ridiculous. Oh
so he's been out since three pm till five.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
I think he's a teacher.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I think he's a teacher because for him to be
out at three pm, he has to work and teach.
He doesn't work in already to work.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
At seven to seven to three, depending on the shift.
He could be like a nurse. You know. He feels
like he should be able to come in at whatever
time he wants, as long as he's not cheating on me.
There shouldn't be a time limit on when he comes in.
If he comes in at nine am the next day.
I should be fine with it. He's crazy, question mark
or am I? Because that's unacceptable. This is an ongoing issue,
(03:42):
and I don't know how to get through to him
that it bothers me. It just feels like he doesn't
give a damn. Am I wrong? I don't have trust issues.
It just bothers me. And I'm one of those wives
that doesn't breathe until he's home. I can't sleep, I
can't think straight. I'm paranoid, scared, anxious, just a miss
I get that part. I hate it it. I just
don't know how to get through to him any advice.
I completely get that. It's funny that she put that
(04:04):
in in the very end of it. I said, because
for Devaleni, whenever you're out or whenever I'm out, I
think it's like a reciprocal thing that you just can't sleep,
like you're just concerned about the well being and safety
of your spouse. So that's a very very valid thing.
Devaleni over the years never put any restraints or time
(04:26):
limits on us being out without each other, whether it's
out with friends or work or whatever. However, a consistent
five am. What do you think about that.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I don't know if it's a consistent five and we
don't know how often he goes out. This is the
biggest thing, right, And I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Oh, she just said he tends to go out with coworkers,
and she's not bothered by it.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So if my boys come into town and we go
out right and we go to a club, there's a
good chance that they may go into the club closed
at three o'clock and I come home at four o'clock.
I I've come home at four o'clock before. Absolutely, you
haven't had no issues with it. So, and my thing is,
we never tail and make our relationship to anybody else.
So I don't think they should tell and make their
relationship to anybody else neither. This is the biggest thing
(05:11):
if you don't trust. If you trust him and he's
being honest, and he's like, yo, babe, I'm just out
having a good time.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I'm not cheating on you. That's all he can give
you is his word.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
You can't put a timeline on when somebody's supposed to
come home, like we're adults, Like you can't do that.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But is there also too, like a protocol in place,
like a touch base, right, So is he gone from
three pm until five am? And do you hear from him?
You know what I'm saying, And not even just a
check in to be like, where are you at? Let
me see your surroundings, because she says she doesn't have
trust issues. It's just more so a touch base to say,
hey babe, I'm all right, still out, I'll be home
at X y Z time.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Well, that's what they have to create with themselves.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
They have to find a way to make it good
for both of them, Like he can't just not be
out with his friends just because his wife don't want
him to go out. But also he can't just stay
out all times at night and leave his wife home wondering.
They have to converse and create something that works for
the two of them. And it doesn't matter who tells
them what's a convenient time, It doesn't matter whose opinion.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
It is about what's a convenient time.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
If he doesn't agree to that time and she doesn't
agree to him being out, they have to work on that,
you know what I'm saying. After someone else's opinion about
what time he should come home, it has to be
up to them. And here's the thing, we don't know
what career he's in. If he goes out once a
week and he say he works long hours and the
only time he gets to go out is once a
week with his co workers and they stay out till
(06:29):
five am, there may be a reason why they may
be stressed and want to blow off some steam. You know,
it could be a thing where they don't get out often.
We don't have enough context. I will say this as
a husband and someone who cares about how my wife feels.
I will always make you feel comfortable, even when I'm out.
If I'm going from a place to another place, I
(06:50):
do it. Hit you like your babe, I'm about to
head over here. I'll hit you when I'm get there.
When I get there, you know what I'm saying. Just
so you know and you're aware. I will also say this,
you leave some time and you'll be going for hours,
and don't text me because you don't think it's that
big of a deal. It could be a thing where
he doesn't think it's that big of a deal because
he knows he's not doing anything and I'm about to
be home.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
That's true because I have been in that position where
I'm just like, well, I'm just here at you know,
Sophia's house, and we're chilling. We're not doing nothing, We're
just here chilling it.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
And I'm like, you're supposed to text me when you
get there, and I'm worried, and you.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Just carried away at the moment and you're just like,
oh shit, I didn't even realize all this time past.
But yeah, Sis, I think you need to continue to
have the conversation with him and continue to reiterate that
it isn't a trust thing, it's more of a safety thing,
or it's more of a respect factor, Like, hey, like,
we're going to be living in this house together. I
can't put the alarm on, and you know, God forbid
somebody roll up in here at a certain time. You know,
(07:40):
I got my gun at my bedside. You know what
I'm saying. I feel it can be in so many
different reasons as to why, but never, never not have
the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Yeah, the conversation is the biggest thing.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And one thing I will tell you is don't ask
other people what time he should come home, right, because
now he gonna be like, I'm not listening to the motherfuckers.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I'm not.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Listen nobody. If my wife ever told me.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Well, somebody else said that you should a good time
at twelve o'clock, I'd be like, good, we'll go marry
that person.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Exactly, y'all to figure it out.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
That's the biggest thing is y'all continuously talk about it though,
for sure?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
All right, thanks for writing in and on to the
next number two.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Number two, Hey, Kadeen and Devo. First, I want to
say I love y'all. Thank you so much. Kadeen, I
love you. I love how you carry yourself as a woman,
wife and mother.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Devou.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I love your personality and your class. Yet freak yourself,
haph I'm a freak Devou. Thank you for showing men
that it is okay to be emotional and to share
your feelings with your significant other and allowing men to see,
especially all black men, how to be a leader without
being controlling.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Well, I appreciate that.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
The thing I thank the Lord for platform such as
this because as a twenty nine year old woman, the
topics you guys discussed when not talked about in the
household and hours either.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So we're on the same page. Thank you. So I
need some advice from Kadeen in Deval. We're gonna try
our best. So my boyfriend and I have been together
for a year. I love our relationship. He treats me
so well.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
We are truly best friends and love is easy, the
best relationship I have ever been in. Our sex life
has gotten better since we met, just over time learning
about each other and communicating likes and less dislikes.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
My dilemma is this is that when it is time
for me to do that special thing which I love
to do, he wants to release and that scares me.
What I've only done it a few times in my
life and I did not like it. Not to be
too explicit, but he wants me to swallow it or
split it out, but I truly hate to taste from
(09:42):
previous experience. My man is very clean, I knew when
he said when she said he wants to release. My
man is very clean, works out and eats well, which
I heard is a benefit for him and me when
it comes to that, which is true, What do you
recommend for me to do to help release my nerves
and please him in that way? His birthday is coming
up and I would love to give him.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
A treat, trying to think of the special gifts, you know,
the gifts they keep on giving.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Well, this is the first thing.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Hm.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
If that's the gift you're giving me only on my birthday,
we got bigger product because it's fucking Wednesday today.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Man, it's not my birthday, and I might want to release.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
But for her, seeing as though listen to something that
it's a little complicated for her, I don't know, girl,
Like I guess.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Everybody likes their own person's flavor.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I can well, she says she ain't like the other
person's flavor.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
She tried so somebody else.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
She's scared, right, So.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You can't bring that into this relationship. Sys you can't listen.
I'm gonna do what my man wants me to do.
With the exception of one thing. Divide knows. That's my
red light. I got a red light situation, like nah Son,
it's a red light situation. So she saunds that she's
on the yellow. You know, she's about like make it
to the green. I think she just needs to go
(11:04):
for it. Go for it, like wherever it lands, it lands,
and you may aim for certain places and it doesn't
quite make it there. But it's in the theatrics of
it for me. Okay, you can't tell me. No, I'm
not a whole porn star when these moments happen, and
I embrace that, and I embrace that and I live
with it and I enjoy it. I think for me too,
it's sometimes seeing your reaction, right, it's not even always
(11:27):
about me and then being in my moment like this
is my Oscar moment. It's more so you are a though, yeah,
you are a performer by nature. I am a performer,
So I like the theatrics for myself because I can
tell when I'm putting on a show. But it's more
so looking about It's more so looking to him for
his reaction and how he's feeling in that moment.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
Let me explain something to you guys about my wife.
But I'm being too explicit. The first time Kadeen did this,
I was afraid. It was like she was chewing gums.
I was like, hey, hey, is not supposed touching your
teeth that much? All right, you gotta stop, You gotta
stay no experience in the field, No, you didn't, and
(12:06):
you also didn't have the elasticity in your jaw needed
to do what needed to get done.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, the skimming was just killing me. You've you've definitely
gotten way better.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
But this is what I will say to couples about
pleasing your partner, because I don't think this is just
a women issue when it comes to that, because I
get a lot of men too.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Just be like, man, I just don't eat pussy like
I just don't.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
And I'm just like, listen, if you are requiring that
the person that is with you be monogamous to you,
you are going to have to be comfortable doing and
trying things that they like to do.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
It is unfair for you to be like, you can
only be with me, and you only gonna be with me,
and you can't be with no one else. And I'm
not doing that.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
It's the last person that did it, did x y Z.
I'm not the last person, right.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
That's just not fair.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
It's not fair, And truth be told, you might enjoy
it when you love somebody and you off being of
service and pleasing someone.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
You learn to enjoy things or not learned.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
You realize you enjoy things that you didn't enjoy with
other people because there are certain things about people that
turn you off, that stuff that you even like to
do you wouldn't like to do.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
For example, I tell this to some of I'm like,
there's some women.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Who are attractive, that are attractive, who I think are
super attractive, who the minute they start talking, I do
not want to fuck no more.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Seriously, what turns you offude the It could be the conversation, It.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Could be a conversation, It could be so many things
that a person, something about the person's order just turns
you off, where that primo sexual being in you is
just not into it with them.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You know what I'm saying. It don't matter what they
look like.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
It could just be a chemistry thing, right, But when
you love.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Somebody, it's like I will do anything with this person,
you know what I'm saying. So the reason why I'm
saying that is willing to try. If you love him
like that and you want to please him, just try it.
But don't go in there thinking about what the other
person's tasted like. That's not gonna help. This could taste
like Krispy Kreme donuts and now you being there every
day trying to get what's hot, fresh hot off the line,
(14:10):
you know what I'm saying. The light, The light beyond.
You know what the hot now sign is on? You
know what I'm saying, So don't fact and that's the truth.
Like there are certain things that I said I would
never do, and then I met you and I found
myself doing all the things because the chemistry was there.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
So, and if you're really like a pleaser, which I
think both of us are, Neither of us are selfish
love neither one of us. So both of us be
in the moment working to perform, okay, And I think
that's that's that's the thing that helps and the thing
that saves us is because it's not really about what
I want sometimes in those moments, about what is going
(14:50):
to get him to where he's going or trying to
get to yes, if that makes sense, And it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Goes both ways. Like I am a performer and I'm
a pleaser.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
I love performing When I know Kay is getting there
and I know what's about her, it's the grit.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I'll do whatever. It's like, let's go.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
And that's also what I'll enjoy about being monogamous because
I don't have to have those concerns about I hope
she's not doing this I hope I don't catch nothing.
Like the greatest thing about being monogamous is that I
can go through all of my fantasies with this person
and we can try stuff and feel safe.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
You know. So and she said her man is very clean,
works out eats. Well there's like, you know, I'll be
all in Devo's arm pits, like.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Yeah, she'd be all yeah, like and I'll be all
in her throat. But and y'all know, Kadeen is just
she's open about that, but in full transparency. Since we're
being a little nasty, I'm not going to just leave
it on you. In my life, I thought I would
never ever in my life, I thought that I would
(15:50):
be a kuchie eater growing up in Brooklyn around all
my West Indian friends. You know what I'm saying, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
By my neighbor boy.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
See that's all your that's all you over here. Now,
one of my favorite things is to have Kadean sit
on my face. Being honest, I went from pussy to
maybe trying to have a seat up here, trying to
have a seat. And the thing I love the most,
I love is when I'm standing up and she's sitting
(16:18):
up there and I'm just holding her up there Washington,
and then she's about to get to her point and
her feet can't touch the floor because I'm standing up
and she's just it's like she's floating on a cloud.
It's the greatest thing, gentlemen, it is the great hope.
You listen, lift weights, Listen, deadlift and squat. Practice at
least deadlifting and squad. Yes, your girls, wait before you
do this, because what will happen is when she gets
(16:41):
to that point and she starts to squeeze right, and
the oxygen starts to leave your head.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
If you don't have the balance and your whole equilibrium
is all right, right.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Right, the balance leaves you. It's a down Phraser, down
goes Fraser moment. So make sure. That's why I live.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
That's why I squat, That's why Deadlift's why lunge, you know,
That's why I do hang clean press to make sure
I can hold up and cane light. Now, k's a
smooth one sixty. Now I just smooth one sixty. And
I didn't have her up there as high as one eighty.
That's why I be in these weights. I'll be in
these streets, all right.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
I like it. I like what she up there.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
So please each other, guys, dead ass podcast, Please each other,
have fun doing it and be safe.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Yes, be saved that too, and on that.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
We're gonna take a break. On this break, we ain't
gonna go do no pleasing, are we?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I mean we mney listen, stranger things have happened. All right,
y'all put it that way and we'll be back.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
All right, We're back, all right.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Number three, let's go, my fiance. I think it's on me.
You go the last one. Yes, my fiance and I
decided to elope in Hawaii October twenty twenty three. Oh,
so that's coming up. We have an infant, it does.
We have an infant, so that makes it more It
makes more sense financially to spend more money on a
down payment for a home. It's dropping thirty to forty
(18:09):
camp wed, I love it, not giving kadi. At twenty seven.
We are very happy about our decision and excited about
our elopement, as well as exploring the islands, hiking, sightseeing
all that. The problem is our families keep asking about
our wedding and sound so disappointed when we say we're eloping.
I'm really tired of the comments like, oh, well, do
(18:31):
what's best for y'all or you denying us a wedding.
Oh oh, and I also get questions and comments about
not having a bridle shower. I'm just not interested in
planning or paying for any additional events. My question is
how do I respond to these people without being rude
or sound alike. I'm justifying our decision. Girl. If they
(18:53):
want to throw your bridle shower, they can technically throw
you a bridle shower. You don't have to have. No,
the bridle shower technically has nothing to do with the bride,
the women rallying around her to throw something to celebrate her.
That's not stopping them from doing it. And if they
really do care about you guys and your union ultimately
not about the party, not about the day, not about
the facade, not about the instagrammable moments, they will decide
(19:17):
to get together and have a little something in your honor.
They can also don't share my camera get away. They
can also do is if you Elope and they really
are down for y'all, when you come back from Hawaii,
they can decide to have a little get together to
celebrate y'all's union. On their dime so they can have
(19:41):
their quote unquote wedding moment. Don't let these people do
to y'all. Don't let these people do And this is
Kadidia speaking as a thirty something year old woman. Okay,
at my big age, y'all finally figured it out. Don't
make the mistakes that we've made in the past, y'all.
If you do not desire a wedding, don't have a
wedding because ultimately it's not abo them anyway. And what
they're going to do is get you involved in this
(20:02):
whole wedding situation and then dump your ass after that
when you got to figure out how to be an
actual wife, figure that out first, and then keep it pushing.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Sound like you was all right, somebody triggered You's just
not you know what.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It's a couple of things. It's me having PTSD for
our wedding. Okay, it's having that. And it's just like
it makes so much sense, Like these people are speaking
from a place of maturity that I had not seen
at twenty seven years old. Had I known that, we
would have had a much smaller wedding with way fewer people,
and we'd have been on our merry way, things would
have panned out differently. I just wish somebody had told
(20:45):
me that early on, and they might have, but I
was stubborn in that moment, and I'll accept that.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
You know, there are over eleven thousand languages on the planet,
and today you chose to speak facts.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I don't have nothing else to add. Listen, people will make.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Comments you denying us a wedding and all this other
stuff always, but are not willing to contribute because people
want things to do, they want reasons to get dressed, they.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Want places to go, they want the instagram moable moments
when I Deval and I got engaged and we were
entertaining the idea of a destination wedding, which no longer
took place because our grandparents, who are the closest to
us for the most part aside from our immediate parents
and siblings, couldn't fly or couldn't travel, so we had
to ex the idea. But initially when I mentioned it,
we had a couple family members aunts and stuff like, oh,
(21:34):
I guess we'll see y'all when y'all get back. Oh,
we'll see you after the wedding. I'm just like nobody
wanted to even entertain the idea of saying, oh wow,
a destination wedding sounds like a great idea. Oh you
know what, we may not be able to make it,
but or give us enough time so we can plan
for it because we really would like to be there.
It was, Oh, well, I guess I see y'all when
y'all get back. I guess I will see you when
you get back. This how about that? Because what ended
(21:55):
up happening is we had the wedding in New York,
had over three hundred people there, and y'all couldn't put
a little something in the car that made it worth
my while. So there goes that. If I get out
my camera, get out my camera. So long story sources,
do you go to Hawaii, Elope and they see who
(22:17):
the real people are that will celebrate y'all once y'all
get back. Period.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I got nothing to add she said everything she just said.
My question is how I respond to these people without
being rude or sound like I'm justifying. I understand that
because you don't want to sound like you're justifying. This
is all you have to say. We love Hawaii, we
just want to do it with us.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
This is what we want to do.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
You don't have to justify this is just we just
love it. It's a romantic, it's what we dreamed of.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And be like, hey, I don't have to be rounded
with a bridle shower. If y'all really want me to
have a bridle shower, go ahead and throw on fee
the other day and I'll be there.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yep, that's it.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
That's all you have to Do's just be like, this
is our dream, this is what we want to do.
If you want to throw me something, throw me, but.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
This is what we want to do.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Y'all can play y'all's wedding and I'll be there for
that too, maybe.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And I'm gonna go get some waters.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Clearly she hot over there, her head if you're not listening,
if you're not watching, if you listen to her, hat
almost popped off ahead a couple of times.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Nah man, I'm just sick of people trying to please
everybody else Like I just I don't do that anymore.
That's thanks to you, though, You've you've You've made me
that way because I grew up in a space of
oh my god, what will people think? What will people think?
And now I'm like I don't give a damn when
nobody thinks I really don't. Either you hear or you
ain't makes me no, never mind.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I mean you're right. I mean you're right. I have
none to say. You're right. Yeah. I hope that helps
you do what y'all do, love on each other in Hawaii.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
That's a fact.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Yes, number four four.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Okay, So here we go with the exclamation point now
that I can tell already this is a signing. This
is long here all right, let's we pause. I have
never shared this story with anyone. Exclusive a year or
so ago, I experienced one of the worst moments in
my life.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
If someone would have told.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Me this is where I would be or how my
relation it will go, I would have never believed them.
I have never talked about this with my family or friends.
I'm nervous now.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
I'm a survivor of domestic abuse.
Speaker 3 (24:09):
Two days before I went under surgery to determine if
I had endometrio cancer and why my ovaries were polycystic,
my boyfriend of many years almost killed me. I will
never forget the gun to my head, the black eyes,
the swollen knots on my head, and more. I couldn't
believe how someone I trusted and was going to spend
(24:30):
the rest of my life with could do this to me.
Instead of fighting back, a feeling came over me and
told me not to fight back because I didn't want
the gun to go off.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I would live to see another day.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
So when the next day came, I put on some
makeup to cover up the bruises and scars and went
home and never came back. Two days later, I had
my family take me to the hospital and had the surgery.
I put makeup on so that no one would notice
in the hospital or at home what it transpired. I mean,
I couldn't tell my brothers because that would have become
a real problem, and I didn't want to face the
(25:02):
shame I felt for having gone through that.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
It took me a long time to recover.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
While this is hard to read, because I was suffering
from many things, not just the surgery itself or the
knots and bruises, but from the mental and emotional toll
it took on me healing from abruptly ending a relationship
with him that was almost in a decade. Almost a
decade in I honestly believe that God had his hand
on me. He definitely did, because he saved my life,
(25:30):
and not only that, he gave me peace. But now
I am dating again, and I'm trying to fight the
nervousness that I am getting I feel getting to know
a new man when I haven't dated in a very
long time, and the silent shame that I feel having
to start over while I'm nearing thirty.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Do not be shamed for that. Mom, Do not be
shamed for that.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
My question for both of you is what kind of
advice could you give moving forward if this was someone
you knew who was starting to date after such a
traumatic experience.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
PS. I've been watching you all on ig since the beginning,
and I'm happy to see you all. For her shame,
this is the first. Yeah, this is the first thing
that comes to my mind.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
I think that she should see a therapist, someone professional
to find out.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Why she felt shame, so that she can deal with
why she felt shame.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
First and to because first of all, you could tell
she's already strong because she had the strength enough to
leave I was. You know what I'm saying, so many
abused people stay in abusive relationships. The fact that she
had the mental fororder to to leave is already like boom.
But I do think she should see someone to speak
(26:46):
to find out why she felt shame, to help her
unpack all of this. And after that, I think she
should tell her parents and her brother. She should feel
safe around the people she loves.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
The most about the repercussions because I know, oh yeah,
God forbid that was your sister.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Oh yeah, there's nothing stopping me from killing. There's nothing
stopping me. There's nothing stopping me from protecting the women
in my family.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I'll do a bit. I don't care like you like
something like that.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I don't care, right, And I know you said that
you're nearing thirty and having to start over. I think
the rhetoric that we've always been fed is that, you know,
thirty is that downhill portion for everyone in life. Right,
Twenties are supposed to be the point that's revered by
so many. You want to stay in your twenties. That's
why you joke about me forever. Life is not over
(27:38):
at thirty or nearing thirty. Life is barely begun, you know.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
I mean, she's followed us, and she knows that our
thirties from like the past eight to nine years have
been the best part of our life so far.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
For sure, for sure. And I know it's particularly difficult
for women because she also mentioned having surgery for the
you know, the polycistic over things like that, so I
know that that too is probably in the back of
her mind, like most women, is like I have this
clock that takes right, this biological clock that's saying, okay,
you need to have children by a certain point. And
if that's what she desires, and clearly she desires to
(28:13):
be in a relationship because she wants to start dating again,
and that's going to be hard to get past that
trust issue, port but you can start over at thirty,
for sure.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I just got to applaud her again for being so
strong one for leaving, but then to have the strength
to say I want to start dating again. You know
how many people go through something like this, They either
don't leave or then when they leave, say I don't
ever want to be with anybody again. Like one thing
I will say, this woman has a lot of strength,
a whole lot of strength. So I got to applaud
you on that. And if you're listening, well you are
(28:43):
going to be listening. First of all, thank you for sharing. Yeah,
but also sharing so that if someone else is going
through this, who's listening to that as podcasts understand that
it takes a lot of strength to leave, but it
is possible to protect yourself and your well being by leaving.
So thank you for sharing your story and giving hope
to people who are dealing with domestic abuse or are
(29:04):
survivors of domestic abuse that you're not alone, right, I.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Think you need to definitely heal. It's what you also
don't want to do is take this into a relationship
with somebody else and having them pay the price for
what's happened to you past as well.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
And you shouldn't have to keep reliving this, so you
have to Yeah, I think you should speak to someone
professionally to find a way to heal.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Holy, don't just on heel that I forgot about it.
Speaker 3 (29:26):
No, heal understand, don't blame yourself, no shame, and also
find the strength in the healing process to speak to
your parents and your brothers about it so that you
can feel protected. So now alone, Yeah, not feel alone.
You know you're going through this next phase in life.
If you know your brothers are going to be there
to at least be aware of what's happening. You have
(29:48):
other eyes on you, you know, like at least you
know someone's watching your back. That'll give you comfort, so
that if you're in a private place with someone, you
can feel secure because you know, my family knows what
I've been through and they know how to support me.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
So yeah, that luck. Thanks for writing in. All right,
number five? What's going on? Ellis? My name is Terry
and I'm your number one fan. All right, Terry, I've
been rocking with you too, from videos from Brooklyn with
the two boys now four hole princes get it sis
Kadeen development of fans since the Detroit Day as well.
I was actually pre go pray go with my oldest
(30:23):
son when you was on the team. Oh that's dope.
But now fast forward. I'm a big fan of winning
in happiness. So happy for you too. I wish you
well and all your endeavors. Just so happy. Side note
book on order hard copy. Thank you for that, Thank you,
Just so happy for the two of you. Appreciate that says.
This is feeling like an appreciation moment and not a
listener litter question. But we appreciate y'all so much. My
(30:45):
days sometimes start off wrong so I either hear your podcast,
watch a video, or something that makes my day go
all the way right. Deval, keep on protecting and providing
for your family. And if you ever wonder if you're
doing anything right in life, let me tell you that
you are. Kadeen honey, honey, Let me give you your flowers.
Cis your beautiful inside out. And I just love your
(31:05):
relationship with your husband, also showing that you can be
sexy for your husband and nothing is wrong with that.
I love you both. Oh, this was actually just and
a little appreciation. Oh that was cue. Thank you for
throwing that in there. Trible because there wasn't a question there,
But no, we honestly appreciate the love and the fact
that she said the book on order of the hard copy.
That means that people really listen. Because when we were
approaching this whole book thing and then realizing like, wow,
(31:27):
there's an opportunity to make the New York Times bestseller list,
there's so many different hoops and variables that are you
have to jump through and that you have to take
into consideration to make the New York Times bestseller list.
So it's not just about people. You know, an audiobook
and numbers. It's about a buzz around it. And I
mean our our team. I say our team, orders don't
(31:48):
like y'all team, our family, Like we love y'all for
really just always being in support of us. You know,
every new venture for me, at least I know, not
devout per se for me is like a moment where
I get a little bit of anxiety because I'm just like,
I don't know how this is going to be received.
And the book being a medium that I know is
something that can.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
Live on for like ever, they will never take they
can never take that away from and take that away
from us, and for that.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
They can never take that from y'all.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Like y'all are responsible for helping the Ealysis become New
York Times bestsellers. This is a young Brooklyn couple came
from humble backgrounds case families from the Islands. My family
is from the South, and we just building and doing
it together with all of you. So as long as
you continue to rock with us, we'll still keep rising
(32:35):
because we're going to still keep working.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Now. We appreciate that for sure, because some days I'd
be ready to clock out. I'd be tapped out, y'all.
But this keeps us going, so thank you for that.
Speaker 3 (32:46):
Yes, thank you, and that was a good one. Right
before we get down to number six, This is the
last listener letter.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
And you can tell this is a long one. Well,
that means that Broers came in with the deeps.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
Yeah, they got the details. Let me get the deep Shoot,
this looks like a series right here. This isn't even
a novel.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Y'all over here given inspiration for films and whatnot?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Right you two aren't such an inspiration. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
I love listening to your podcast and seeing your beautiful
family on social media. This is pretty long, so please
bear with me. It's a very difficult topic. There's so
much to the story, but I'll do my best to
paint a clear picture for you. I come from a
very religious, traditional household. I am a half white, half
Filipino woman dating a black man. We've been together for
nine years now. I always knew my parents wouldn't approve
(33:32):
of him. They told me as a young teen to
never date black men. But you can be friends with them.
They claim they're not racist, but have said a lot
of racist things. They are, more so what you would
call covert or hidden racist. When they found out about
my man a year later. A year after a year
(33:52):
later of us dating, they said he would not work
in the family. Their reasons were because he comes from
a broken family, is not afflic and does not make
enough money, but mainly because he's black. Despite the terrible
things they've said about him, my man agreed to meet
them better than me and my entire family. When they
eventually invited him over for Easter. My parents thought they'd
give him a chance. They would invite him for every
(34:14):
holiday get together and he would come to a gathering
about once a year or so, and after about five
years of us dating, he decided to not go around
them anymore, which I stand by him on that because
my parents were still saying demeaning comments behind his back.
At this point, what they are saying was not about race,
but about him as a human being, which will always
(34:35):
have the racist undertone because they started out with racism.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
They didn't take our relationships seriously.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
My mom would make comments like, oh, maybe you'll meet
a cute guy there, even though I've been in a
relationship for five years at that point, my parents have
the nerve to view him not coming around as disrespectful.
After years of him not coming around and my parents
not admitting that they've said what they said was wrong.
We are at a point where we're wondering what are
(35:01):
we going to do in this relationship, because honestly, I'm
having a hard time cutting my parents off. He wants
nothing to do with them. Ever, I don't blame them
whether we get married, have kids, etc. Which I totally understand.
I know parents are a huge piece in our lives,
so I always crave this connection with them. But if
I'm standing on my own morals, I feel like they
need to be at a far distance. I don't know
(35:23):
how to set this boundary because I'm so used to
big families coming together for every birthday, holiday, etc. And
now to cut that off feels alien to me. What's
crazy is if my parents were some random people to me,
I cut them off in a heartbeat. But they're my parents.
My parents have provided me with everything I've ever needed
growing up. They've helped me, They've helped make life easier
for me. They didn't do a good job of being
(35:45):
there emotionally, but I still give them their credit for
everything they've done for me and my siblings. To this day,
they still reach out to tell me they love me
and support me, but they're racist and won't try to
heal them and won't try to heal the relationship with
my men for how they've disrespect him. They believe we
should just put everything in the past typical and move
on and stop talking about it. They think we can
(36:06):
just move on by getting together and creating good memories
and that's all we got to do to make things better.
But that ain't cutting it for us. Unfortunately, they may
never change the way they think. How can I help
my man feel safe that he doesn't have to worry
about what my parents say or do anymore? And how
do I live my life with racist parents that'll always
(36:26):
be painful, that always painfully love and care about you.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Well, first of all, you can't help him feel safe
and worry about what your parents say, because that's who
your parents are, unfortunately, And I don't blame him for
not coming around. Why would you want to be in
a space where you feel disrespected because of them not
even trying to get to know him. Have they ever
tried to get to know him? Or is it just
(36:51):
a thing where they just have blacklisted him off the
bat because he's black?
Speaker 2 (36:56):
There's two things.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
The first thing is and this is just let me
speak until before anyone says anything.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
I have four sons. We have four sons.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
We often talk about hoping our sons find someone who
supports them.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
And loves them and helps them in some way.
Speaker 3 (37:13):
Right, We also as people have been divided, right, and
these parents have a daughter, and they have their idea
what they want for their daughter. Your mom wasn't the
nicest to me when I first came around. We talked
about that your mom wasn't racist. But we're also both black.
But here's the truth. Some people in other cultures, because
(37:37):
of how black people are misrepresented in the media and
in society, are going to fear their child or sons
or daughters dating a black person or being with a
black person because of all the ignorant things that the
media has presented as black culture. Right, you have to
understand that you can't make it seem like that doesn't exist.
(37:58):
But we all so as people, have a responsibility to
educate ourselves on what is real and what is fake.
When your parents choose to not educate themselves on what
true blackness is and just follow based on what they
believe and use stereotypes and tropes. Even if they say
they're not racist, they are racists, right. And as a
(38:21):
black father, this is part of the reason why I
fear my sons marrying outside of their race.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
Right. I'm just gonna be honest and upfront. My issue
isn't even with the girl.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
I don't care if you're white, if you're Latin, ex
if you're Asian or Indian. I know how black people,
black men in particular, are viewed in other cultures. My
fear is that your daughter may love my child with
all her heart, but there may be somebody in your
family or your friend group who do not like my son.
And far too often in this country, black men and
(38:54):
black women go on vacations and go places with groups
outside of their black friends and don't come to.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
That is my fear.
Speaker 3 (39:02):
Situations like this where his blackness isn't accepted, but they
try to accept it, and then you find yourself not
feeling safe because you're in situations where people are saying
demeaning and condescending comments. And no one should have to
live like that. And when people ask me all the time,
like Duville, what do you feel about interracial relationships, It's
(39:23):
like I'm not anti white, anti Asian, anti Indian, anti
Latin X. I fear my child won't be accepted because
they're black. And my fear isn't even that they won't
be accepted by the person that loves them. My fear
is the people that they are around around exactly.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
And it couldn't even just see that her parents. Her
parents can eventually learn to say, you know what, I'm
going to learn who this man is and love him
for who he is because he loves and takes care
of my daughter. But then there may be the extended
families get those comments from as well. You know, I
have family members who have been married into different races,
(40:01):
and one in particular, like my cousin's family. I should say,
my cousin's in laws at one point kind of when
they first met her, would like make fun of the
way her name was pronounced. And it's like, if you
can take the time to learn other people's names, you
need to call her by her right name. Absolutely, don't
(40:21):
give her a nickname, don't tell her she looks like
she should be a this or that. This is her name,
and you need to respect her enough to call her
by her name. And this wasn't his immediate parents. It
was some uncle in the family, you know, and try
to make it a joke, and I'm like, it's just
not funny at all, at all, at all. I agree,
I agree with what you said.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
The reason why my bad go ahead, finish, fir No,
it's fine, and I was just The reason why I
wanted to give that context is because a lot of
times people outside of our race don't understand this.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
They ask questions, how could I make my husband feel safe.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
It's going to be impossible to make him feel safe
if he doesn't feel respected as a human.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
If he doesn't actually feel safe, right, No, no, no,
no no.
Speaker 3 (41:04):
If he doesn't feel respected as a human, he's just
not gonna feel safe because if you can't respect me
as a human, you don't value my life.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
People value the life of other people that they consider
to be human. Right.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
Part of the issue with America is that they've dehumanized
black people so much that it's easy to watch black trauma.
It's easy to watch a black man be killed in
the street. It's easy to watch a black woman get
killed or rape. Then no one says anything about it because, oh,
it's just a black person. But if you notice when
other things happen to people of other culture, you don't
see it on the news cycle over and over again.
(41:38):
It's this is too explicit to watch, but when it's
black bodies, let's just keep replaying it. And I keep
saying this because I want people to understand why black
parents fear their children dating outside of their race. This
is a fear of mine, right, Like I'm not saying
this is I don't ever want my my son is
to ever date outside their race.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
This is my fear.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
My black son, in all of his sweetness, one of
them and all of his his greatness, meets a woman
outside of his race, and that woman falls in love
with my son and they're just enjoying their time, and
they're just doing, you know, and enjoying each other's company.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
And she invites him to some place away from where we.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
Are comfortable, and my son is there, and everybody who's
watched the second Avatar can relate to this.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (42:26):
The thing I enjoyed about this scene in Avatar was
that it wasn't black and white. It was two different
tribes of the same alien species, but they were slightly
different colors. They were different so the brothers took him
out there into the ocean and led him to a
place that was dangerous and he could have died, but
they thought it was funny because it's like, oh, he's
just the this and they led him out there to
(42:47):
play this little game with him. It happens to black
people all the time because we've been devalued so much
as a people. When things happen to us, other people
think it's funny, and if someone loses their life or
gets hurt, it's not funny to us. All my fear
is something like this happening to one of my sons,
and it has nothing to do with the young lady
because she is willing to terminate her relationship with her
(43:09):
family because of the way they disrespected her man. But
to me, the damage has already been done, and we've
dealt with this on a more close situation. Of course,
because everyone in our friends group and family group don't
agree to be on the podcast, we don't want to
say names, but we've dealt with one of our friends
(43:30):
being in a serious relationship with someone outside of our
culture and their family disowned them and refused to even
speak to or include this friend of ours. And we
watched how much that hurt not only the friend of ours,
but the young lady that whose family they pretty much
excommunicated her.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
And then have the nerve to turn around and be like, oh, well,
just just forget about it now, you know, just just
like that generation, the parents, that generation of just forgetting
about stuff and expecting every Oh it's been so long
since that happened. Oh that happened so many years ago.
But no one wants to actually address the issue so
the healing process can take place to then move forward.
(44:12):
So I feel for her. I feel for her because
I know with me. For example, when you and my
mom had y'all little tiff in the beginning, you know,
it was a divide, like I of course had to
go see my parents, but also too, I knew you
weren't comfortable, so I didn't force you to be in
that environment in space where you didn't feel welcome. But
I eventually had to put my foot down and be like,
this is my life, Like this is going to be
(44:35):
the person I spend the rest of my life with,
have children with, Like this is what I see for
my future. So as a woman, I had to be
woman enough. I think in that moment to be like
mom and dad, this is what it is. You known't
added layer there for her though with the racial thing.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
But I think that she's doing what is in the
best interest of her and her relationship. But she keeps
asking what does she do about her racist parents. Your
parents are adults. They have a responsibility. If they want
to be in your life and have a relationship with you,
they need to educate themselves on how they can make
things better.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
It's not on you to constantly educate them.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Now, you can help in that process, but if they're
not taking the initiative to learn, it's a lost cause.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
It's a lost cause.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
And I would say, you know, you and your boyfriend
at the time, try to build the life you can
without having that level of ignorance around you. You know,
and if you plan on having children, make sure that
your children are aware of the ignorance that exists around them,
and make sure that they can be better than your parents.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
And that becomes hard because say they do have children,
and and now her boyfriend who may eventually become her
husband and now the father of her children, what if
he decides like yo, I don't want my children in
an environment where they may not be respected or received
because they're now half black, you know, or they may
be around rhetoric that is racist. Absolutely, So then that
becomes what now an identity issue for your children. It
(45:57):
becomes an issue of just disrespect. You know, there's so
many added layers once you start adding children to a
picture too. So that's something I think needs to be
healed and addressed. Even before that step is taken.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
All you just say fuck them, because if it was
my kids and I like say, this was the issue
with our families and I loved you so much and
I knew we were gonna build something great, then fuck them. Yeah,
you know, like we have to build what's we have
to create our own family and build moving forward. Like
your parents, Yes, they provided you with everything you have
and they've done their job, but they also don't get
(46:29):
to be ignorant and racist just because they provided you
with a life that.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
They gave you. You didn't ask to come here.
Speaker 3 (46:35):
They had a responsibility to provide you with the things
you needed to be successful because they created you. They
did their job, and now you can move on like
there's no there is in this day and age, with
all the information we have there is no excuse for ignorance,
no excuse for ignorance. Protect your peace, miss protect your peace,
protect your man's peace, and continue to build moving forward.
(46:56):
And if your parents don't want to get better and better,
that's on them.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
Leave them in the past period period poot. All right, y'all,
thank you so much for writing in listener letters. Is
always a great episode for us. We enjoy hearing from y'all.
Thank you for the love and the support at all
the listener letters. I feel like in the beginning, before
they even start their story always you know, course it
to us and we love y'all for that, and we
(47:22):
thank you continue to write in. We will continue to
sift through what we won't Trible will she'll sift through,
and she'll definitely make sure we're putting in some awesome
listener letters to make sure that you guys get to
hear a perspective. Again, we don't profess to be professionals.
We're not experts in anything really, but we love that
you guys feel comfortable enough with the space that we
provide to not be judged, but to just kind of
(47:44):
help you hash through some moments. So if you want
to be featured as one of our listener letters. Be
sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
That's d E A D A S S A d
V I c E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (47:59):
Already sounds good. Be sure to follow us also on
Patreon to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and
you can find us on social media on Instagram, we
are dead Ass the Podcast, I'm Kadeen, I am on
Instagram and TikTok and I.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1 (48:19):
Thank y'all, Love you dead Ass.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
it's produced by Donor, Pinya and Trible. Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
miss a Thing.
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