EPISODE 202: Am I being defensive, or am I defending myself?

We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself? This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you. From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down. But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals. What You’ll Hear In This Episode: ✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast) ✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down ✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings ✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing) ✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness ✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling) Links & Resources: Check out DEEPER — our new membership with full access to VanessaAI, monthly date night ideas, live calls with us, and more Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides to level-up your pleasure skills Follow us on Instagram for more relationship tips and convos Want us to cover your story next? Keep an eye on our IG Stories for callouts Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices