December 1, 2023 • 40 mins
The holidays have finally arrived, and for some of us, that means remembering loved ones who once brought cheer and great memories to our lives. It may also mean taking a moment to grieve, which can be challenging amid everything else we’re all dealing with. Join Dr. Imani and Meg Scoop as they discuss ways we can mourn our cherished people during the holidays and try to maintain cheer. Dr. Imani also performs a pop culture diagnosis on Whoville’s most infamous, The Grinch.
If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:15):
Hey everybody. Hi, welcome tothe Imani State of My Podcast. I
am doctor Emani. Are you today, I'm Mexican. Oh my god,
Oh my god. I holidays.You want to take it? I know
exactly. So yeah, so we'reboth here. It is December. Are
(00:39):
you a holiday person? I am? But you know what, like this
year I just kind of feel like, not not in a bet, not
like oh I hate the holidays whatever, but more so because I think like
my year has been really good,so there isn't really much more that I
feel like the holidays are going tobring me like, oh my god,
(01:00):
I can't wait, Like I hopeI get this present or yeah, I'm
just like I'm chilling. Yeah.Yeah, yeah, I feel like I've
been in this. I think thisyear I've gotten a little more justice to
life because last year, you know, I had a newborn. Yeah,
so this year it's like, oh, okay, now this is our regular
life, Like this is what it'slike to be for people in my family
right every day for like, youknow, so I think I've adjusted to
(01:23):
it. So to me, becauseI have little little kids, I like
the holidays, oh yeah, becauseeverything for them is like it's like so
like ooh, yay, yes,and then there's all the like, you
know, we did the whole festival, like in October it was the festivals
and pumpkins and hay rides and allthat, and then now it's like Christmas
time. So and my thing islike I always search for a black Santa
(01:45):
oh to take pictures with ch I'venever let them take pictures with white Santa.
First of all, I don't evenmy son knows Santa's not real.
You don't get no presents from Santa. So you can tell the little stories
you want to tell. But youknow who got you the president? Because
I grew up like that. AndI just have something about this white man
coming down our chimney. What whiteperson is gonna come in my house down
(02:05):
the chimney? Yeah, don't sneakaround. And then y'all want me to
leave out like milk and cookies forhim, Like are you serious that he's
an intruder exactly? So I justto be in yeah, we're not.
I'm not gonna sit here and putthat line on you. Now. You
can believe what you want, butI'm not gonna yeah, like I'm not
like I don't explicitly be like Santadoesn't lie and capitalism. I don't know,
(02:27):
but like I buy the presence.Yeah, you just don't have anything
from Santa. And if he askswhy, then we'll go over the story
again. Well good for you,because I know there's a photo of me
that my my dad took me tosee Santa and this was like this is
of course with white Santa. Thiswas like Upstate New York in like nineteen
(02:47):
seventy eight, and it's like meon Santa's lap and I'm just kind of
like what and next to this whitedude dressed in Santa, And I'm just
like I don't even understand, Likewhere are we Muslims back then? Like
why am I sitting on this whiteman's left? But I guess you know,
old old habits do hot, butold habits do die hard. But
(03:07):
the other thing I just remembered wasthat in the Muslim world, apparently like
Santa, like not Santa, Christmastime is a really big deal because they
like the trees, like they justlike who doesn't like shiny lights and tinsel?
And wait, what do what doMuslims do during Christmas? Is it
like regular? Nothing? Like it'sjust it's just December, like you just
(03:30):
chill. But it's not like,oh, we have to go to mass,
we have to go to mosque,like we're no one's celebrating the birth
of Jesus. But like the capitalismside of it, is it the same
like you teach your kids about Likein America everyone bleeds in Santa. Is
that still a thing or no?I mean, I guess it depends on
the family. But I mean inmy I mean both of my parents grew
(03:53):
up with Santa. So when Iwas little, it was like, yeah,
we're Muslims, but like, comeon now, we're about to get
this tree on it. We gotto like take you go get pictures with
Santa. So but yeah, likeI like my main thing with Christmas is
that I just love Christmas trees.Yeah, I just love lights. Do
you do a real Christmas tree orfake Christmas trees? I haven't done any
Christmas tree in the past couple ofyears because of my dog, because of
(04:15):
high rock. Why your dog wouldeat it? Well, No, I
just feel like I'm like, shegonna she's gonna do something that. Like,
I just I have a couple offake trees in my in my not
my gym in my garage. Okay, but I don't really feel like the
most I guess the most I dois like I change the wreaths on my
door. Yeah, but I'm like, okay, merry Christmas, leave me
(04:36):
alone. I do. So.I never used to believe in Christmas trees
because of like the pagan thing,and but that changed when I had children,
because I just I don't know somethingabout Like, here's your Christmas tree.
I love it, and I waslike, ah, capitalism got me,
dang. So we had like areal Christmas tree two years ago and
(04:59):
it's it's so good, but thenyou got to take it to girl.
Yeah, it was massive to cleanup. It's crazy. I was like,
we're not doing this ever again.So then I got a fake when
last year and it's beautiful, andso we just gonna do fake yeah,
from here on it If I gota Christmas tree, I've always loved the
frosted trees. I love frosted trees. They're so cute and it's like,
(05:20):
yeah, I know it doesn't snowhere, but I don't really care.
I want a white frosted Christmas tree, which I probably won't get, so
okay. Yeah, So it's soso it's no big deal. Wait,
hold one second, are we doingan evergreen thing? Or no? This
is grief? Well, I meanin terms of like what, like what's
(05:42):
going on? Like, oh Ifeel like no, I feel like us
talking about it? Can we justuse this? Yeah, that's fine,
that's fine. Okay, Okay,Leslie on high Leslie, No, it's
all good. Yeah, I don'tYeah, it doesn't matter. Okay.
So Christmas is coming, as we'vethoroughly discussed, and a lot of us
are going to start to deck thehalls with bowls of holly. I'm like,
(06:09):
is it bows and holly? No, it's bowls of holly. But
I don't even know what it means. But of string of holly, I
don't, girl, I don't evenknow. I don't know. But in
any case, I don't want toforget about those people who really just don't
look forward to the holidays, becausethere are some people who are like that,
(06:29):
and even though Christmas quonds in NewYear's Day are coming up, and
those can be really difficult holidays forpeople who have possibly experienced a death in
the family or a death of aloved one. And that's why today we're
going to focus on holiday grief andloss. Oh yeah, that's big,
you know why because it's not justthe death also and we'll talk about this
(06:50):
later in the Deep dive, butalso just like loss of family, meaning
like oh, I don't talk tothis person and they're out of my life.
I'm much better mentally, But nowwhat does the holidays look like for
me? Like for me, everybodysays it's family, and I don't have
family right exactly in my life,so that's important. That's a that's a
(07:10):
big loss as well. So Iknow we'll get into that for sure.
So yeah, we're gonna get intothat today. And if you guys are
loving yes the Emani said of mypodcast, then please be sure to rate
and review us on your favorite podcast. You better yea. And if you
know if you're watching us too,comment how you're feeling, how you like
(07:30):
the video, subscribe to this channel, yes, and send it to your
friend, Send to your friend,send to your mom, sends to everybody.
So, as usual, we haveso much to discuss, so let's
get to it right after the break. Yay, okay, so it's time
for one of our favorite segments.Ask doctor Emani anything we love reading your
(07:51):
letters, and we're ready for somemore questions. So Meg, who's our
first letter from today? All right? Our first letter is from a listener
by the name of dot Tello Dot. She says, Dear Doctor EYMANI and
Meg. I've been in a relationshipwith my boyfriend for a while now,
and while there have been some wonderfulmoments, I've come to the painful realization
(08:11):
that is time for us to partways. However, my heart is heavy
with hesitation because of the time ofyear. I love him, but I
am no longer in love with him. The thought of breaking up with him
during the holidays feels incredibly cruel.The last thing I want to do is
make him sad during a time that'ssupposed to be filled with joy and togetherness.
(08:33):
I feel kind of obligated to sparehis feelings and stay with him through
the holidays. I can't and don'twant to get into the new year as
a couple, because I believe thatour relationship has run its course and it's
not fair to either of us tocontinue down a path that no longer makes
us happy. I just don't knowa good time to sit him down to
call it quits. His mom hasbeen hinting that a proposal is on the
(08:54):
horizon, and I absolutely don't wanthim to get down on that bench need
this holiday season. Like, ifhe does, I know I would say
yes to spare his feelings. Idon't want to give him false hope by
delaying the inevitable. But how doI navigate this tricky situation with sensitivity and
respect? Okay, so dot,here's what I would say. If your
(09:16):
relationship has run its course and youthink that this man might possibly propose to
you, girl, it don't matterwhat time of the year it is.
In fact, I'll use myself asan example. I broke up with my
ex husband on our anniversary what andI believe I think our anniversary. I
(09:39):
think it was like November second.I really don't remember now because it's yes
because I'm petty and he was beingjust super stupid and I was like,
you know what, I'm done withthis shit? Yeah? Oh wh god?
Yeah? I mean no, heknew you were serious. No,
he knew I was serious like this. And I did it over the phone
because he was out his because Iwas like, I'm dying, like I'm
(10:01):
tired, like you're using me andthis is stupid and I don't want to
be a part of this anymore.Yeah, So whether it's the holidays or
not, I mean, dot ifyou if you love this man like you
have loved him, but the inlove, the romantic part is gone,
like tell him now, because I'venever seen a Hallmark movie, but apparently
(10:24):
on all these Hallmark movies for Christmas, like you can find love all over
the place. So just yeah,break up with your break up with dude,
yes, and then you know what, like something, I'm sure someone
will come along. Yeah, becauseespecially if you said you've loved him and
he seems like he's a good guy, you didn't mention anything about him doing
anything wrong to you, then youcan't continue the charade. And I think
(10:46):
it's better that he goes into theholidays without you, yeah, you know,
because then that's like you're looking outfor him. And I think the
way to I guess talk to himabout that is just being honest. Yeah,
And I feel like you need toprobably spend some time with yourself as
to why you're trying to spare someone'sfeelings when you know the right thing to
(11:07):
do exactly, because that to mespeaks more on her I know and like
her, you know issues traumas rightthan it does to him. Yeah,
you know. So yeah, whydon't you just tell him? Tell him
and he's gonna know anyway, likeyou're not you're you're if you have already
resigned in your mind that like thisrelationship is over, but you're still going
(11:28):
through the motions. He's gonna know. Yeah, and it's worse if he
asks you to marry him and yousay no. I mean, you say
yes right, only to say nolater because you didn't want to break up
for the holidays. You might justdo it now. Girl, Just don't
even don't let this man go.If he might not have bought a ring
yet, don't let him go spendthat money on a ring. Ye,
don't do that, Just spare Thisman is gonna be. It's gonna hurt
(11:50):
when you rip that bandaid off,but then it can start healing. Yeah,
yeah, like, just tell him, tell him, let him go,
Let him go, girl, Letsomebody is because I have a bunch
of friends that will want somebody likehim, So let him go. Hear
from one of them. Okay,you's got a bunch of friends trying to
get married. Okay, okay,okay, all right, Our next letter
comes from Ari. Here's what theywrote. Dear doctor i Emani and Meg,
(12:11):
I think my mom is going througha midlife crisis. She just recently
got an Instagram account and has beensliding into all my guy friends dms.
I am absolutely mortified. I recentlyand followed her because she was posting first
strap photos on her page and Iliterally was becoming so stressed out by her
page. When I tried to askher what was going on? She's sorry,
(12:35):
this was is so funny. WhenI tried to ask her what was
going on, she says she wasin her Yolo era. Girl. I
have no clue what she even means. How do I get my cardigan wearing,
Bible reading, cooking and making momback? How would you diagnose her
behavior right now? Okay? Ariuh okay? First of all, I
(12:58):
don't remember right now, but wasthere a change in Ari's mom's life,
Like did she recently get divorced orsomething? That might be something she didn't
tell us? All right, what'sgoing on with your mom? I mean
it seems like maybe not, becauseshe said she's always Bible thumping, cooking.
Well, something happens, Something happened. Was it a friend, the
(13:20):
loss of somebody something, Yeah,that made her realize like, yo,
I'm not living yeah, I mean, and I'm not mad, Like I
mean, look, if your momwant to post these thirstrap photos, I
will say that, yes, yourmom sliding into your guy friend's DMS is
like, I mean, I'm like, damn, okay, your mom has
no like no boundaries. But youknow, I would say that, you
(13:46):
know, your mom, maybe sheis going through a mid life crisis.
Maybe she just wants some attention andshe just doesn't really have or she lacks
the vocabulary to be able to saylike, hey, I do need some
like yeah, because everyone does,right now, even your mom. Right.
That's how you got here, Okay, exactly, so exactly, And
(14:07):
it's not uncommon for anyone who hasan Instagram account, especially if you know
you're just feeling yourself, to belike, you know what I mean,
let me just let me just dome and see what's up, because as
we all know, that phone screenor computer screen like it gives you just
this feeling of like anonymity. Yeah, or just just to be more bold,
So I think it's a good ideathat you did unfollow your mom.
(14:31):
And I also think that, youknow, if you haven't spoken to your
mom about like just boundary setting,like if you want to slide into some
dude's dms, I don't care,but not my guy friends. Yeah,
and you know what, that's wild, That is crazy. I would diagnose
your mom's hot to try. Yeah. Yeah, she want to be out
(14:52):
there. She want to be ascreen you know. So here's what I
would say. Because you're younger thanyour mother, you understand social media the
Internet probably better than she, Iwould assume, So you should probably help
your mom get on a dating appso that way she's talking to people who
are also looking for whatever she's lookingfor. And more than likely it's not
(15:13):
your guy friends who are receiving thesedms unsolicited. You know, she can
DM these men on. What isthe one that's for like older people eat
Harmony ors? No, No,no, there's one specifically for older people.
Oh it's like sixties or something.Oh I don't know because I've never
been on a dating app, soI don't know. Christian mingo, no,
(15:35):
Christian mingles all the ages. Okay, there's one specific I saw it
on TV. Just google old people'sUh, just google people old people just
look it up. I forgot whatit's called, but it's literally for like
sixty plus and so that way they'redating people in their age group. But
if she's telling that y'all your friends, then maybe you could just do like
(15:56):
a tender or something, yeah,and then help her out because she clearly
is new to navigating. I'm surelike back when she was dating, it
probably was called VD and not STI. So she need a little update on
a lot of stuff going on.You should like be your mom's like guru.
But of course, tell her there'sboundaries. I don't want to know
about your your waxes because you yougot a hot date, you you know,
(16:21):
just tell her what the boundaries are. I don't need to hear all
that, mama, but I'm gonnahelp you. Yeah, So that way,
you know, she probably needs alittle guidance. You could even help
her with her thirst stop pictures.Yeah, I should because that way.
And I know it's a little weirdbecause we like to look at our parents
as our parents, right, Wedon't like to think of them as actual
people. But if you're an adult, be mature about it and say,
you know what, my mom isa person too. She has feelings,
(16:44):
she has needs. Once she's sheyou know, this is normal. There's
nothing that she's doing that's not normal. Now, hitting on your friends is
a little bit much, but yeahagain, guidance, help her, help
her, help her, Yeah,help her. And then you know,
once you feel like she's you know, up and running, then you can,
you know, you can let yourmom's freak flag fly freely. See
(17:07):
that god time's fast freak flag flyfreely. So so yeah, I mean,
I'm not mad at your mom,but you know your mom, I
get it, Ari, and wediagnose her as freak nasty. Yes,
thank you exactly, So thank youto dot and thank you again Ari for
sending in your letter. Yes,and I just want to tell everyone if
(17:27):
you have a problem, a question, or you know you just need a
safe space to share and get someadvice, please hit us up by sending
an email to hello at Imani stateofminddot com. I y'all, let's get
into this deep dive after this shortbreak. Okay, so welcome back everybody.
(17:49):
Now, a lot of us feelpressure to be happy and festive this
time of year, But what dowe do when our hearts just aren't in
it, and when our hearts areheavy with the loss of loved ones,
how can we honor our grief whilestill participating in holiday traditions and celebrations.
Yeah, that's that's what I wantto know, especially because for me,
(18:10):
I remember the first Christmas actually thefirst Thanksgiving in Christmas without my grandmother.
And she died right before she dieda couple months before her birthday, which
was in November, and so likeThanksgiving was always a big thing for our
family, like we would all meetat someone's house, right, even if
you had to drive a few hours, and it would be like sixty people
damn in one place. And sowhen she passed away, it was just
(18:32):
kind of like, this, don'tfeel the same. Yeah, you know,
but I knew she would want usto still gather and to still enjoy
each other's company. But you know, that first holiday without her, Thanksgiving
and Christmas, it was just kindof like what do we do? What
do we do? You know,how do you just Grandma's not here?
You know? So I can understandentering the holidays and being sad about it.
(18:55):
And then on the flip side,I've had a friend who's experienced lost
because her she stopped talking to hermother and her sister, so she yeah,
spent the holidays by herself. Andshe's like, but it was like
a permanent I have to cut themoff. But just was toxic for her.
And so now you know, hereI am. I felt so bad
because I'm like, oh, I'mtalking about like what I'm doing for the
holidays, and she's just like,I'm gonna be at home with my dog.
(19:17):
Yeah. Yeah. And so I'mlike, so, how do you
navigate that with you know, whatare some of the things that people go
through when they're experiencing grief or lossin the holiday season? How do you
navigate that? Yeah, Well,first of all, when it comes to
grief, there are five stages ofgrief, So really quickly, there's denial,
there's anger, there's bargaining, there'sdepression, and then there's acceptance.
(19:44):
And you don't have to go throughall of those steps like one after the
other. You can get to angerand go back to you can go back
to denial, you can go todenial and maybe go straight to bargaining and
then maybe go back you know,you know what I'm saying. So when
it comes to grief, it's it'snot. It's not like just in one
(20:07):
direction. It can go in differentdirections. And likewise, when there's the
holidays, and really I mean aswe now know, it starts November first,
Like as soon as Halloween is over, it's like you just hear the
chang changing ching changing, Like youjust start hearing holiday like music and everything.
That can also you know, bringpeople to like back to the stages
(20:30):
of grief. And you know,unfortunately a lot of people who have who
don't have their loved ones with themphysically, can go through like that depression
stage. And plus it's wintertime,and like the the amount of sunlight that
we're able to really get exposed todecreases, and it depends upon like what
(20:52):
city you're in, like it canlike if you live in a in a
major city, Like when I firstmoved back to New York from New Orleans
where I was in school, incollege and grad school. The first three
months, like I would see thesun, but I couldn't feel it.
And so because there's so like Icould see the sun in the sky,
(21:15):
but I couldn't feel the sun onmy skin. Wait, why because there's
so many tall buildings in New York. Oh, I see yeah, I
get what you mean. Yeah.Yeah, So it was because anywhere else
in the country that well, especiallyin New Orleans for example, it's you
know, it's flat, so ifyou go outside, the sun's going to
hit you. You go outside NewYork, it might not be raining,
but like it's still everything is kindof gray. I see. Yeah.
(21:37):
So I was just like, ohGod, what am I going to do?
But you know, I think thebest thing to do when it comes
to holiday grief is to understand andknow that it's okay to feel the way
that you're going to feel, andit's okay to also tell yourself, like,
you know what, this is probablygoing to keep happening year after year,
(22:00):
but then with each passing year youcan also try to mitigate that.
So like a lot of people,for example, like we were, like
me and Peter were talking about maybehaving like a friends giving. Oh I
love yeah, I've been a partof several I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. Friends giving is fun andit's like, hey, let's just get
together and just you know, we'llcook a little bit or it'll be a
(22:22):
pot luck and we can just likejust all be together and it doesn't have
to be like family it's really justabout like, hey, like we're here,
like let's just support each other.Yeah, and I think, you
know, the other thing really isto you know, while the rest of
the world, or at least youknow what we're being told is like celebrating,
(22:44):
like people are celebrating, Like it'sokay to say, you know what,
I'm realistically like set realist, realisticexpectations for yourself. Like I'm gonna
be a little sad, you know, but I will say this when now
that I've gotten older and obviously I'mnot a little to me, it was
like, oh my god, Christmasgoa Chris Chris Christmas Chris Chris Christmas,
and then the Christmas season is fun. But then Christmas Day is actually kind
(23:07):
of boring. Yeah, like youover presents, right, like okay,
great, but then Christmas evening,like Christmas Night there's always like parties.
So now that I'm older, it'slike, well, even if I wasn't
feeling particularly like the festive, Iknow that there's like something going like there's
always parties. Christmas Night, there'sthat's true, always like there's always parties.
And then like once you hit Decembertwenty fifth, please no one's working.
(23:30):
If they are, no one's headis in it. Like we're just
kind of like on cruise control.And I think that's okay to say to
yourself, like, you know what, I'm just gonna be like, I'm
just I'm on cruise control when itcomes to like just the Christmas season or
the holiday season, and then beforeyou know it, it's New Year's That's
true. Yeah, what is that? What does grief do to the body
(23:52):
and the mind? I guess,yeah, so grief, I mean,
aside from being sad, you reallycan be a state of what a lot
of people experience during clinical depression.Like you can be more tired, which
kind of makes sense. It's likeit's like the holidays, and it's also
you know, there's not there's nota lot of sunlight going on the winter
(24:14):
solstice happens, which is when likethe the winter solstice is when the days
so so the days are getting Ialways forget about it shorter. The days
are getting shorter, and then thenights are getting longer. And then on
winter Solstice that's when this switches,so like you get a little bit more
(24:34):
daylight and a little less nighttime.But I mean it's still getting dark at
life four point thirty and it messeseverybody up. But I mean, you
know, you may experience like justbody aches, you may experience just like
yeah, because because when when youget depressed, and especially with like let's
take little kids or maybe even peoplewho aren't able to verbalize, like I'm
(24:56):
depressed, I feel really sad,and this is the reason why your body
holds onto that, and your bodycan start to like make you feel like
like a general sense of malaise,like just like, oh I have a
headache, ooh I'm tired, oohI have body aches, you know.
And and so that's something if youare if you know that you'll likely be
(25:18):
experiencing some sort of reef during theholidays, like just kind of be on
the lookout for that. Okay,yeah, okay, yeah, do you
what are some tips I guess tohelp people get through their grief and lost
during man, I would say,you know, if if you are aware
that you're gonna get sad, youyou would probably want to if you can,
(25:41):
you would want to find somebody tostart talking to, like like preemptively,
like before the holidays, so likea therapist. Okay, So I
would say yeah, like find yourselfa therapist at the very least, like
you might want to keep a journal, like it's really important to get your
feelings out, and for a lotof people, including me in the past,
(26:03):
I'm like, I don't want totalk about it. I don't want
to talk about it. It's fineif I don't talk about this, like
then I won't have to deal withit. But the more you don't talk
about it, the more it justsits in your body, and like the
body remembers and if you don't getit out, like it just it just
sits and it stews and it feelslike it's just festers and you're just like
I don't want to do anything.And you know, as I guess it's
(26:27):
counterintuitive as it sounds like, yeah, it's not going to be the best
weather maybe for everyone, but likeit's good to go outside, yeah even
I mean something about being in naturealways like yeah, your feelings. And
I was also going to say becauseI'm not like when I journal, it
is massive, like so I don'tlike journaling because I cannot just write a
(26:49):
little bit and it goes on andon and though I know, but girl,
I ain't trying to have no crampinghand. I just so it.
So it's almost it's like overwhelming tome because I know if I start writing,
it's just gonna go. So whatI like to do, because I'm
also a talker, I'll record myselfokay, and I've learned that that is
really helpful just because I'm getting totalk it out. And then sometimes I'll
(27:12):
watch it, sometimes I won't.Yeah, it's just to get it,
to get it out and now it'sthere. And sometimes when you watch it,
you're like, Okay, I seeI see it, I feel it.
I can let it go, Sothat that might be an option.
I want to know what what canI do to help my friend that I
said that I talked about earlier whoexperiences who has experienced loss for the holidays
(27:38):
with her fam, Like, whatare some tips I can do for that
situation? Well, yeah, Imean I think the main thing is just
to be present for the person,not just during the holidays, but also
like afterwards. I mean, ofcourse they're gonna be on your radar more
during the holidays, but it's alsoimportant to be like you know, in
January and then in February, inMarch and ongoing, like hey, like
(28:02):
how's it going, Like how's everything? You know, how how are you
feeling now? And as we getaway from the holidays a little bit like
then and then you know there's moresunlight and we were entering spring and then
summer, like it may not beas the grief, may not be as
oppressive. Yeah, but it's importantto just be present, you know,
(28:22):
ask them like, Hey, I'mgonna go and do this. Do you
want to come with me? OrI'm gonna like stop by the store.
Do you need anything? Even ifthey're like no, bye, no,
Like, just just knowing that there'ssomeone else who is like making themselves available
and cares for you, is itreally? Yeah, it's a really really
really big deal. And you knowwhat else, maybe you just as you're
(28:42):
talking. It made me remember whenI lost my grandmother, and I think
that first holiday without her, thefamily and I like started reminiscing about her.
Yeah, and that really made mefeel so much better, even though
at first I was like I don'twant to talk about her, like,
but I remember us just having conversations, and you know, I remember I
(29:04):
would go to my grandmother's and shetaught me how to make her caramel icing
from scratch and all this stuff.Yeah, so it was like it was
therapeutic in that sense because it waslike we're remembering all the good things about
her, and then what would thatperson want? And I know my grandmother
would be like if y'all are like, y'all don't be in here, said
ya right, like why are y'allhere? Y'all do And just knowing that
(29:29):
like that's what she wanted for us, it was like, okay, well,
let me honor her by like notsitting here, bmoby, but like
really just take some time. Andthe other part was that so we had
that was like right before Thanksgiving washer birthday when we used to do our
Thanksgiving like two weeks before the actualday. And so that year I was
in La by myself for Thanksgiving andI remember her, Oh my aunt had
(29:56):
her cremated because my grandmother wanted tobe cremated. So when I I went
back home right before Thanksgiving, shegave me my grandmother's ashes. Oh nice,
And so I was like, youknow what I'm going to do for
Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to goto the beach and I'm going to release
her ashes on the beach because Ihad always wanted to take my grandma,
grandmother to the beach. She'd nevergone. Oh wow, yeah, she's
(30:17):
from like deep South, and Iwas like planning on doing it. I
was like, okay, I'm gonnahave to get a get a wheelchair,
and which beach, push yournd youknow all this stuff. And so I
was like, this is going tobe me taking her to the beach,
right, y'a. Let me justtell you. Oh my god. So
I go. I wake up earlyThanksgiving morning. I go to Manhattan Beach.
It's peaceful, it's silence scene.You know in La Thanksgiving is not
(30:40):
really that cold, no little cold, but not not like it might be
eighty, it might be fifty.It was a nice day, we'll say,
like sixty five. And so Iget there. I have my little
blanket out, and I really justtook some moment. I did a moment
of prayer, just meditation, andI was like, you know, I
said some words, this is likemy own little person memorial service. I
(31:00):
walk up to the water, becauseI'm sitting on the beach. Now,
nobody care. I walk up tothe water. I open her little vial
that has her ashes in it.I jumped him and the wind blew it
all on my face and my mouthwas open y'all. Oh my god.
I was like, oh my god. Oh in that moment, I started
(31:23):
cracking up. Hell yeah, solowd I know, people were looking at
me. They were like, whatis going on with this crazier out there,
because in that moment, I reallyfelt it was like my grandmother just
being like, girl, you doingthe most? Yeah like you okay.
I was like, oh my gosh, my grandmother's ashes is in my mouth.
Like you want to play the ashgame, I'm make your whole mouth
ashy. But that was just itwas my God, Like you know,
(31:47):
in my grief, it turned intojoy because it was like that was my
grandma. Yeah. God put thewind a little bit this way, exactly
the wind this way, so yeahyeah, like it just it just made
my heart smile. Like taking thatmoment to remnist. So I guess it's
important to remember the good times.Yeah, no, it is. It
is really good to remember the goodtimes. And like I was just thinking
(32:07):
about my grandma too. She mygrandmother didn't her birthday is in November,
and so on her birthday, Iusually try to do something like super fun,
like I try, like I tryto do something super fun, whether
it's I mean, it could beanything. It could be like me watching
a funny movie. It could beme going outside and just being like hi,
(32:28):
hi to everybody, which is normallyme. But because my grandmother was
a really like kind of she waslike a like a depressed personally. Yeah,
so I really try to like I'mlike, okay, Grandma, like
all right, like this is foryou. So and even if the person,
look, even if you know anybodyout there you're grieving somebody that maybe
(32:50):
wasn't the nicest to you or wasn'ttreating me with the respect that you deserve,
it's always good to be able tojust maybe reframe Thanksgiving or reframe Christmas,
like it's pretty much dead outside.Like you know what, I really
love to zoo on Christmas or Thanksgivingif I have nothing like no plans is
I'll go to the Korean spot becauseno one's there. Yeah. Like,
(33:12):
there's so many ways to treat yourselfand you don't have to like stay in
the house and just be like,oh, new traditions, Yeah, make
new traditions exactly. So you knowthat story is cali funny, I know,
but it kind of reminds me ofOkay, don't get mad. It
kind of reminds me of, like, I know, the practice of like,
(33:34):
Okay, someone gets cremated and thenlike they make little tiny like eurns,
And I'm like, but what ifthat like what if the ashes that
you got are like the foot orsomething like? How does that work?
Girl? Like, I don't know. I just I just have my grandma's
foot in my mouth. Probably,okay, probably, Yeah that was funny.
(33:55):
Yeah, no, no, thatthat is funny. But you know
what, I hope that that washelpful, you guys. And that's all
the time we have today for ourdeep dive segment. Yes, let's switch
gears as I washed the taste ofashes out my mouth, and let's get
into this last segment, pop culturediagnosis right after this. Okay, So
(34:21):
Meg, we're gonna get into ourpop culture diagnosis for this week. So
can you please give our listeners aquick synopsis of the holiday classic How the
Grinstal Christmas? And who we're goingto diagnose today? Are you already know
this is like such a good popculture diagnose It is because this is a
classic movie, How the Grinch StoleChristmas? You know, you all know
about it. It's based on DoctorSeuss's beloved children's book and it tells the
(34:45):
story of the Grinch, who isa green at grouchy mother poop shut your
mouth, and he's a recluse,and he despises a joint celebration of Christmas
and the cheerful town of Whoville.Now, the Grinch hatches a plan all
the presents and the decorations from thewho's on Christmas Eve, hoping to put
it into their holiday joy. ButDoctorrmie, I need you to diagnose the
(35:08):
grumpy Grinch. Okay, yeah,so let me see which which one do
you like the best? The thelike old school like animated Grinch, or
like the New Grinch. Jim Carrey, Girl, I saw that one.
What No, I never saw it. So guess what you're gonna have to
do today? What this week?This month? Watch it because it's good,
(35:30):
Yes, because it's a Jim Carreyyou know, he's very animated.
It it just it makes sense forit just adds another level of fun to
the movie. Yeah, think,yeah, it does. Watch it,
Okay, I just I just grewup with the with the original one.
Yeah, I saw that one.Too, but like once you see the
live action one with Jim Carrey,it just I don't know, it just
adds a little more fun to it. Yeah, they did do a good
(35:52):
job with the makeup and stuff theydid girl. Yeah. So here's what
I would say. The Grinch naturallylike gets a bad name, just kind
of if even if you know thestory, just superficially or like you know,
in a cursory way, the GrinchI've seen like some people just kind
of throw out like, oh,well, the Grinch is a narcissist,
(36:14):
or he's like he has anti socialpersonality disorder or but you know, when
I think of the Grinch, honestly, I think of someone who's depressed yea,
which you know, for some peoplemight be like, well, how
do you see that he's so grumpy? Here's the thing, like there's that
song like, oh you're a meanone, mister Grinch. YEA depression like
(36:36):
you can have the you can haveall the symptoms of clinical depression. But
it looks different for different people.So for some people, it's like I'm
not leaving the house. I'm sad, you know, I'm not like bathing
or changing my clothes, and I'mjust like, oh, just like sitting
around and just feeling bad for myselffor other people such as myself. When
we get depressed, we get reallyreally angry and just grumpy and just like
(37:00):
why are you doing that? Right? Like just we just get really like
attack mode. And the fact thatthe Grinch is able to see the air
of his ways at the end,like towards the end of the movie and
is actually accepted by the who's inWhovill really shows that he's not a narciss
because you can't change the narcissists becausethey're like, I'm fine, there's nothing
(37:22):
wrong with me. Why would Ichange? Personally with anti social personality disorder,
it's kind of the same thing likethey are for whatever reason, their
brains are kind of hardwired to justbe like dicks, like they're just so
like they're just like they just willgo out of their way to manipulate and
(37:44):
just try to undermine. And yes, the Grinch did undermine and manipulate and
do the best that he could tobasically make the people in Whovil really feel
the way that he felt. Yeah, but it was from a place of
hurt necessarily, like you know,because he's a narcissist, right exactly.
Yeah, yeah, and he wasable to be happy towards the end.
(38:05):
So the fact that he was ableto change and he did actually he was
able to accept like the holiday spiritand all that other stuff really just shows
that the Grinch, if anything,was more depressed. I mean, I
was kind of sad when I thoughtabout it, because the Grinch really didn't
treat his dog the nicest. Sothat made me kind of sad. But
(38:27):
that was in the seventies when itwas like Peter wasn't really a thing,
so like, okay, okay,maybe okay, then maybe as long as
he treats his dog better in thisnew one and then I'm on board with
that. But but yeah, Iwould diagnose the Grinches being depressed, and
then towards the end he was ableto actually feel joy because he got he
was accepted and yeah, and hewas able to kind of like get out
(38:50):
there the way that maybe in away that we were just talking about people
experiencing like grief and loss during theholidays, like you can't shut yourself in,
but you really would kind of bedoing yourself a disservice. Now I'm
about to go watch this again.For like the fiftieth time. Okay,
I've never I've never seen it.It's really good. It's yeah, it's
cute, it's cute. Yeah.And Jim Carrey like that makeup was amazing.
(39:13):
Yes. Yeah, So there itis the Grinch. He was depressed,
and towards the end movie he's notand that's kind of well. I
wouldn't say that's kind of what theholiday season is about, but you know,
but it was just up getting it, putting yourself in a different spirit
and seeing, you know, thegoodness exactly in the holidays, whether you
celebrate them or not. It's justabout the goodness and the kindness and the
(39:34):
love exactly. Yeah, and that'swhat the Grinch was able to do.
So anyway, that's it for popculture Diagnosis. I hope you guys enjoyed
it. We're gonna have a nunWe're gonna have another fun character to analyze
next week. Yes, So ifyou guys have any character suggestions that you'd
like for me to diagnose, hitme up on Twitter or x whatever at
(39:58):
Doctor Underscore email, hit Meg upon Instagram at Meg scoop, or email
us both at Hello Atdiemanistateofmind. Dotcom and if you love us and the
show, please remember to rate andreview us in your favorite podcast app or
if you're watching on YouTube, likethis video, comment, and subscribe to
our channel. We appreciate and loveyou. We appreciate you so much,
(40:20):
Thank you so much for you too, Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Bye,
Hey everybody. Hi, welcome tothe Imani State of My Podcast. I
am doctor Emani. Are you today, I'm Mexican. Oh my god,
Oh my god. I holidays.You want to take it? I know
exactly. So yeah, so we'reboth here. It is December. Are
(00:39):
you a holiday person? I am? But you know what, like this
year I just kind of feel like, not not in a bet, not
like oh I hate the holidays whatever, but more so because I think like
my year has been really good,so there isn't really much more that I
feel like the holidays are going tobring me like, oh my god,
(01:00):
I can't wait, Like I hopeI get this present or yeah, I'm
just like I'm chilling. Yeah.Yeah, yeah, I feel like I've
been in this. I think thisyear I've gotten a little more justice to
life because last year, you know, I had a newborn. Yeah,
so this year it's like, oh, okay, now this is our regular
life, Like this is what it'slike to be for people in my family
right every day for like, youknow, so I think I've adjusted to
(01:23):
it. So to me, becauseI have little little kids, I like
the holidays, oh yeah, becauseeverything for them is like it's like so
like ooh, yay, yes,and then there's all the like, you
know, we did the whole festival, like in October it was the festivals
and pumpkins and hay rides and allthat, and then now it's like Christmas
time. So and my thing islike I always search for a black Santa
(01:45):
oh to take pictures with ch I'venever let them take pictures with white Santa.
First of all, I don't evenmy son knows Santa's not real.
You don't get no presents from Santa. So you can tell the little stories
you want to tell. But youknow who got you the president? Because
I grew up like that. AndI just have something about this white man
coming down our chimney. What whiteperson is gonna come in my house down
(02:05):
the chimney? Yeah, don't sneakaround. And then y'all want me to
leave out like milk and cookies forhim, Like are you serious that he's
an intruder exactly? So I justto be in yeah, we're not.
I'm not gonna sit here and putthat line on you. Now. You
can believe what you want, butI'm not gonna yeah, like I'm not
like I don't explicitly be like Santadoesn't lie and capitalism. I don't know,
(02:27):
but like I buy the presence.Yeah, you just don't have anything
from Santa. And if he askswhy, then we'll go over the story
again. Well good for you,because I know there's a photo of me
that my my dad took me tosee Santa and this was like this is
of course with white Santa. Thiswas like Upstate New York in like nineteen
(02:47):
seventy eight, and it's like meon Santa's lap and I'm just kind of
like what and next to this whitedude dressed in Santa, And I'm just
like I don't even understand, Likewhere are we Muslims back then? Like
why am I sitting on this whiteman's left? But I guess you know,
old old habits do hot, butold habits do die hard. But
(03:07):
the other thing I just remembered wasthat in the Muslim world, apparently like
Santa, like not Santa, Christmastime is a really big deal because they
like the trees, like they justlike who doesn't like shiny lights and tinsel?
And wait, what do what doMuslims do during Christmas? Is it
like regular? Nothing? Like it'sjust it's just December, like you just
(03:30):
chill. But it's not like,oh, we have to go to mass,
we have to go to mosque,like we're no one's celebrating the birth
of Jesus. But like the capitalismside of it, is it the same
like you teach your kids about Likein America everyone bleeds in Santa. Is
that still a thing or no?I mean, I guess it depends on
the family. But I mean inmy I mean both of my parents grew
(03:53):
up with Santa. So when Iwas little, it was like, yeah,
we're Muslims, but like, comeon now, we're about to get
this tree on it. We gotto like take you go get pictures with
Santa. So but yeah, likeI like my main thing with Christmas is
that I just love Christmas trees.Yeah, I just love lights. Do
you do a real Christmas tree orfake Christmas trees? I haven't done any
Christmas tree in the past couple ofyears because of my dog, because of
(04:15):
high rock. Why your dog wouldeat it? Well, No, I
just feel like I'm like, shegonna she's gonna do something that. Like,
I just I have a couple offake trees in my in my not
my gym in my garage. Okay, but I don't really feel like the
most I guess the most I dois like I change the wreaths on my
door. Yeah, but I'm like, okay, merry Christmas, leave me
(04:36):
alone. I do. So.I never used to believe in Christmas trees
because of like the pagan thing,and but that changed when I had children,
because I just I don't know somethingabout Like, here's your Christmas tree.
I love it, and I waslike, ah, capitalism got me,
dang. So we had like areal Christmas tree two years ago and
(04:59):
it's it's so good, but thenyou got to take it to girl.
Yeah, it was massive to cleanup. It's crazy. I was like,
we're not doing this ever again.So then I got a fake when
last year and it's beautiful, andso we just gonna do fake yeah,
from here on it If I gota Christmas tree, I've always loved the
frosted trees. I love frosted trees. They're so cute and it's like,
(05:20):
yeah, I know it doesn't snowhere, but I don't really care.
I want a white frosted Christmas tree, which I probably won't get, so
okay. Yeah, So it's soso it's no big deal. Wait,
hold one second, are we doingan evergreen thing? Or no? This
is grief? Well, I meanin terms of like what, like what's
(05:42):
going on? Like, oh Ifeel like no, I feel like us
talking about it? Can we justuse this? Yeah, that's fine,
that's fine. Okay, Okay,Leslie on high Leslie, No, it's
all good. Yeah, I don'tYeah, it doesn't matter. Okay.
So Christmas is coming, as we'vethoroughly discussed, and a lot of us
are going to start to deck thehalls with bowls of holly. I'm like,
(06:09):
is it bows and holly? No, it's bowls of holly. But
I don't even know what it means. But of string of holly, I
don't, girl, I don't evenknow. I don't know. But in
any case, I don't want toforget about those people who really just don't
look forward to the holidays, becausethere are some people who are like that,
(06:29):
and even though Christmas quonds in NewYear's Day are coming up, and
those can be really difficult holidays forpeople who have possibly experienced a death in
the family or a death of aloved one. And that's why today we're
going to focus on holiday grief andloss. Oh yeah, that's big,
you know why because it's not justthe death also and we'll talk about this
(06:50):
later in the Deep dive, butalso just like loss of family, meaning
like oh, I don't talk tothis person and they're out of my life.
I'm much better mentally, But nowwhat does the holidays look like for
me? Like for me, everybodysays it's family, and I don't have
family right exactly in my life,so that's important. That's a that's a
(07:10):
big loss as well. So Iknow we'll get into that for sure.
So yeah, we're gonna get intothat today. And if you guys are
loving yes the Emani said of mypodcast, then please be sure to rate
and review us on your favorite podcast. You better yea. And if you
know if you're watching us too,comment how you're feeling, how you like
(07:30):
the video, subscribe to this channel, yes, and send it to your
friend, Send to your friend,send to your mom, sends to everybody.
So, as usual, we haveso much to discuss, so let's
get to it right after the break. Yay, okay, so it's time
for one of our favorite segments.Ask doctor Emani anything we love reading your
(07:51):
letters, and we're ready for somemore questions. So Meg, who's our
first letter from today? All right? Our first letter is from a listener
by the name of dot Tello Dot. She says, Dear Doctor EYMANI and
Meg. I've been in a relationshipwith my boyfriend for a while now,
and while there have been some wonderfulmoments, I've come to the painful realization
(08:11):
that is time for us to partways. However, my heart is heavy
with hesitation because of the time ofyear. I love him, but I
am no longer in love with him. The thought of breaking up with him
during the holidays feels incredibly cruel.The last thing I want to do is
make him sad during a time that'ssupposed to be filled with joy and togetherness.
(08:33):
I feel kind of obligated to sparehis feelings and stay with him through
the holidays. I can't and don'twant to get into the new year as
a couple, because I believe thatour relationship has run its course and it's
not fair to either of us tocontinue down a path that no longer makes
us happy. I just don't knowa good time to sit him down to
call it quits. His mom hasbeen hinting that a proposal is on the
(08:54):
horizon, and I absolutely don't wanthim to get down on that bench need
this holiday season. Like, ifhe does, I know I would say
yes to spare his feelings. Idon't want to give him false hope by
delaying the inevitable. But how doI navigate this tricky situation with sensitivity and
respect? Okay, so dot,here's what I would say. If your
(09:16):
relationship has run its course and youthink that this man might possibly propose to
you, girl, it don't matterwhat time of the year it is.
In fact, I'll use myself asan example. I broke up with my
ex husband on our anniversary what andI believe I think our anniversary. I
(09:39):
think it was like November second.I really don't remember now because it's yes
because I'm petty and he was beingjust super stupid and I was like,
you know what, I'm done withthis shit? Yeah? Oh wh god?
Yeah? I mean no, heknew you were serious. No,
he knew I was serious like this. And I did it over the phone
because he was out his because Iwas like, I'm dying, like I'm
(10:01):
tired, like you're using me andthis is stupid and I don't want to
be a part of this anymore.Yeah, So whether it's the holidays or
not, I mean, dot ifyou if you love this man like you
have loved him, but the inlove, the romantic part is gone,
like tell him now, because I'venever seen a Hallmark movie, but apparently
(10:24):
on all these Hallmark movies for Christmas, like you can find love all over
the place. So just yeah,break up with your break up with dude,
yes, and then you know what, like something, I'm sure someone
will come along. Yeah, becauseespecially if you said you've loved him and
he seems like he's a good guy, you didn't mention anything about him doing
anything wrong to you, then youcan't continue the charade. And I think
(10:46):
it's better that he goes into theholidays without you, yeah, you know,
because then that's like you're looking outfor him. And I think the
way to I guess talk to himabout that is just being honest. Yeah,
And I feel like you need toprobably spend some time with yourself as
to why you're trying to spare someone'sfeelings when you know the right thing to
(11:07):
do exactly, because that to mespeaks more on her I know and like
her, you know issues traumas rightthan it does to him. Yeah,
you know. So yeah, whydon't you just tell him? Tell him
and he's gonna know anyway, likeyou're not you're you're if you have already
resigned in your mind that like thisrelationship is over, but you're still going
(11:28):
through the motions. He's gonna know. Yeah, and it's worse if he
asks you to marry him and yousay no. I mean, you say
yes right, only to say nolater because you didn't want to break up
for the holidays. You might justdo it now. Girl, Just don't
even don't let this man go.If he might not have bought a ring
yet, don't let him go spendthat money on a ring. Ye,
don't do that, Just spare Thisman is gonna be. It's gonna hurt
(11:50):
when you rip that bandaid off,but then it can start healing. Yeah,
yeah, like, just tell him, tell him, let him go,
Let him go, girl, Letsomebody is because I have a bunch
of friends that will want somebody likehim, So let him go. Hear
from one of them. Okay,you's got a bunch of friends trying to
get married. Okay, okay,okay, all right, Our next letter
comes from Ari. Here's what theywrote. Dear doctor i Emani and Meg,
(12:11):
I think my mom is going througha midlife crisis. She just recently
got an Instagram account and has beensliding into all my guy friends dms.
I am absolutely mortified. I recentlyand followed her because she was posting first
strap photos on her page and Iliterally was becoming so stressed out by her
page. When I tried to askher what was going on? She's sorry,
(12:35):
this was is so funny. WhenI tried to ask her what was
going on, she says she wasin her Yolo era. Girl. I
have no clue what she even means. How do I get my cardigan wearing,
Bible reading, cooking and making momback? How would you diagnose her
behavior right now? Okay? Ariuh okay? First of all, I
(12:58):
don't remember right now, but wasthere a change in Ari's mom's life,
Like did she recently get divorced orsomething? That might be something she didn't
tell us? All right, what'sgoing on with your mom? I mean
it seems like maybe not, becauseshe said she's always Bible thumping, cooking.
Well, something happens, Something happened. Was it a friend, the
(13:20):
loss of somebody something, Yeah,that made her realize like, yo,
I'm not living yeah, I mean, and I'm not mad, Like I
mean, look, if your momwant to post these thirstrap photos, I
will say that, yes, yourmom sliding into your guy friend's DMS is
like, I mean, I'm like, damn, okay, your mom has
no like no boundaries. But youknow, I would say that, you
(13:46):
know, your mom, maybe sheis going through a mid life crisis.
Maybe she just wants some attention andshe just doesn't really have or she lacks
the vocabulary to be able to saylike, hey, I do need some
like yeah, because everyone does,right now, even your mom. Right.
That's how you got here, Okay, exactly, so exactly, And
(14:07):
it's not uncommon for anyone who hasan Instagram account, especially if you know
you're just feeling yourself, to belike, you know what I mean,
let me just let me just dome and see what's up, because as
we all know, that phone screenor computer screen like it gives you just
this feeling of like anonymity. Yeah, or just just to be more bold,
So I think it's a good ideathat you did unfollow your mom.
(14:31):
And I also think that, youknow, if you haven't spoken to your
mom about like just boundary setting,like if you want to slide into some
dude's dms, I don't care,but not my guy friends. Yeah,
and you know what, that's wild, That is crazy. I would diagnose
your mom's hot to try. Yeah. Yeah, she want to be out
(14:52):
there. She want to be ascreen you know. So here's what I
would say. Because you're younger thanyour mother, you understand social media the
Internet probably better than she, Iwould assume, So you should probably help
your mom get on a dating appso that way she's talking to people who
are also looking for whatever she's lookingfor. And more than likely it's not
(15:13):
your guy friends who are receiving thesedms unsolicited. You know, she can
DM these men on. What isthe one that's for like older people eat
Harmony ors? No, No,no, there's one specifically for older people.
Oh it's like sixties or something.Oh I don't know because I've never
been on a dating app, soI don't know. Christian mingo, no,
(15:35):
Christian mingles all the ages. Okay, there's one specific I saw it
on TV. Just google old people'sUh, just google people old people just
look it up. I forgot whatit's called, but it's literally for like
sixty plus and so that way they'redating people in their age group. But
if she's telling that y'all your friends, then maybe you could just do like
(15:56):
a tender or something, yeah,and then help her out because she clearly
is new to navigating. I'm surelike back when she was dating, it
probably was called VD and not STI. So she need a little update on
a lot of stuff going on.You should like be your mom's like guru.
But of course, tell her there'sboundaries. I don't want to know
about your your waxes because you yougot a hot date, you you know,
(16:21):
just tell her what the boundaries are. I don't need to hear all
that, mama, but I'm gonnahelp you. Yeah, So that way,
you know, she probably needs alittle guidance. You could even help
her with her thirst stop pictures.Yeah, I should because that way.
And I know it's a little weirdbecause we like to look at our parents
as our parents, right, Wedon't like to think of them as actual
people. But if you're an adult, be mature about it and say,
you know what, my mom isa person too. She has feelings,
(16:44):
she has needs. Once she's sheyou know, this is normal. There's
nothing that she's doing that's not normal. Now, hitting on your friends is
a little bit much, but yeahagain, guidance, help her, help
her, help her, Yeah,help her. And then you know,
once you feel like she's you know, up and running, then you can,
you know, you can let yourmom's freak flag fly freely. See
(17:07):
that god time's fast freak flag flyfreely. So so yeah, I mean,
I'm not mad at your mom,but you know your mom, I
get it, Ari, and wediagnose her as freak nasty. Yes,
thank you exactly, So thank youto dot and thank you again Ari for
sending in your letter. Yes,and I just want to tell everyone if
(17:27):
you have a problem, a question, or you know you just need a
safe space to share and get someadvice, please hit us up by sending
an email to hello at Imani stateofminddot com. I y'all, let's get
into this deep dive after this shortbreak. Okay, so welcome back everybody.
(17:49):
Now, a lot of us feelpressure to be happy and festive this
time of year, But what dowe do when our hearts just aren't in
it, and when our hearts areheavy with the loss of loved ones,
how can we honor our grief whilestill participating in holiday traditions and celebrations.
Yeah, that's that's what I wantto know, especially because for me,
(18:10):
I remember the first Christmas actually thefirst Thanksgiving in Christmas without my grandmother.
And she died right before she dieda couple months before her birthday, which
was in November, and so likeThanksgiving was always a big thing for our
family, like we would all meetat someone's house, right, even if
you had to drive a few hours, and it would be like sixty people
damn in one place. And sowhen she passed away, it was just
(18:32):
kind of like, this, don'tfeel the same. Yeah, you know,
but I knew she would want usto still gather and to still enjoy
each other's company. But you know, that first holiday without her, Thanksgiving
and Christmas, it was just kindof like what do we do? What
do we do? You know,how do you just Grandma's not here?
You know? So I can understandentering the holidays and being sad about it.
(18:55):
And then on the flip side,I've had a friend who's experienced lost
because her she stopped talking to hermother and her sister, so she yeah,
spent the holidays by herself. Andshe's like, but it was like
a permanent I have to cut themoff. But just was toxic for her.
And so now you know, hereI am. I felt so bad
because I'm like, oh, I'mtalking about like what I'm doing for the
holidays, and she's just like,I'm gonna be at home with my dog.
(19:17):
Yeah. Yeah. And so I'mlike, so, how do you
navigate that with you know, whatare some of the things that people go
through when they're experiencing grief or lossin the holiday season? How do you
navigate that? Yeah, Well,first of all, when it comes to
grief, there are five stages ofgrief, So really quickly, there's denial,
there's anger, there's bargaining, there'sdepression, and then there's acceptance.
(19:44):
And you don't have to go throughall of those steps like one after the
other. You can get to angerand go back to you can go back
to denial, you can go todenial and maybe go straight to bargaining and
then maybe go back you know,you know what I'm saying. So when
it comes to grief, it's it'snot. It's not like just in one
(20:07):
direction. It can go in differentdirections. And likewise, when there's the
holidays, and really I mean aswe now know, it starts November first,
Like as soon as Halloween is over, it's like you just hear the
chang changing ching changing, Like youjust start hearing holiday like music and everything.
That can also you know, bringpeople to like back to the stages
(20:30):
of grief. And you know,unfortunately a lot of people who have who
don't have their loved ones with themphysically, can go through like that depression
stage. And plus it's wintertime,and like the the amount of sunlight that
we're able to really get exposed todecreases, and it depends upon like what
(20:52):
city you're in, like it canlike if you live in a in a
major city, Like when I firstmoved back to New York from New Orleans
where I was in school, incollege and grad school. The first three
months, like I would see thesun, but I couldn't feel it.
And so because there's so like Icould see the sun in the sky,
(21:15):
but I couldn't feel the sun onmy skin. Wait, why because there's
so many tall buildings in New York. Oh, I see yeah, I
get what you mean. Yeah.Yeah, So it was because anywhere else
in the country that well, especiallyin New Orleans for example, it's you
know, it's flat, so ifyou go outside, the sun's going to
hit you. You go outside NewYork, it might not be raining,
but like it's still everything is kindof gray. I see. Yeah.
(21:37):
So I was just like, ohGod, what am I going to do?
But you know, I think thebest thing to do when it comes
to holiday grief is to understand andknow that it's okay to feel the way
that you're going to feel, andit's okay to also tell yourself, like,
you know what, this is probablygoing to keep happening year after year,
(22:00):
but then with each passing year youcan also try to mitigate that.
So like a lot of people,for example, like we were, like
me and Peter were talking about maybehaving like a friends giving. Oh I
love yeah, I've been a partof several I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. Friends giving is fun andit's like, hey, let's just get
together and just you know, we'llcook a little bit or it'll be a
(22:22):
pot luck and we can just likejust all be together and it doesn't have
to be like family it's really justabout like, hey, like we're here,
like let's just support each other.Yeah, and I think, you
know, the other thing really isto you know, while the rest of
the world, or at least youknow what we're being told is like celebrating,
(22:44):
like people are celebrating, Like it'sokay to say, you know what,
I'm realistically like set realist, realisticexpectations for yourself. Like I'm gonna
be a little sad, you know, but I will say this when now
that I've gotten older and obviously I'mnot a little to me, it was
like, oh my god, Christmasgoa Chris Chris Christmas Chris Chris Christmas,
and then the Christmas season is fun. But then Christmas Day is actually kind
(23:07):
of boring. Yeah, like youover presents, right, like okay,
great, but then Christmas evening,like Christmas Night there's always like parties.
So now that I'm older, it'slike, well, even if I wasn't
feeling particularly like the festive, Iknow that there's like something going like there's
always parties. Christmas Night, there'sthat's true, always like there's always parties.
And then like once you hit Decembertwenty fifth, please no one's working.
(23:30):
If they are, no one's headis in it. Like we're just
kind of like on cruise control.And I think that's okay to say to
yourself, like, you know what, I'm just gonna be like, I'm
just I'm on cruise control when itcomes to like just the Christmas season or
the holiday season, and then beforeyou know it, it's New Year's That's
true. Yeah, what is that? What does grief do to the body
(23:52):
and the mind? I guess,yeah, so grief, I mean,
aside from being sad, you reallycan be a state of what a lot
of people experience during clinical depression.Like you can be more tired, which
kind of makes sense. It's likeit's like the holidays, and it's also
you know, there's not there's nota lot of sunlight going on the winter
(24:14):
solstice happens, which is when likethe the winter solstice is when the days
so so the days are getting Ialways forget about it shorter. The days
are getting shorter, and then thenights are getting longer. And then on
winter Solstice that's when this switches,so like you get a little bit more
(24:34):
daylight and a little less nighttime.But I mean it's still getting dark at
life four point thirty and it messeseverybody up. But I mean, you
know, you may experience like justbody aches, you may experience just like
yeah, because because when when youget depressed, and especially with like let's
take little kids or maybe even peoplewho aren't able to verbalize, like I'm
(24:56):
depressed, I feel really sad,and this is the reason why your body
holds onto that, and your bodycan start to like make you feel like
like a general sense of malaise,like just like, oh I have a
headache, ooh I'm tired, oohI have body aches, you know.
And and so that's something if youare if you know that you'll likely be
(25:18):
experiencing some sort of reef during theholidays, like just kind of be on
the lookout for that. Okay,yeah, okay, yeah, do you
what are some tips I guess tohelp people get through their grief and lost
during man, I would say,you know, if if you are aware
that you're gonna get sad, youyou would probably want to if you can,
(25:41):
you would want to find somebody tostart talking to, like like preemptively,
like before the holidays, so likea therapist. Okay, So I
would say yeah, like find yourselfa therapist at the very least, like
you might want to keep a journal, like it's really important to get your
feelings out, and for a lotof people, including me in the past,
(26:03):
I'm like, I don't want totalk about it. I don't want
to talk about it. It's fineif I don't talk about this, like
then I won't have to deal withit. But the more you don't talk
about it, the more it justsits in your body, and like the
body remembers and if you don't getit out, like it just it just
sits and it stews and it feelslike it's just festers and you're just like
I don't want to do anything.And you know, as I guess it's
(26:27):
counterintuitive as it sounds like, yeah, it's not going to be the best
weather maybe for everyone, but likeit's good to go outside, yeah even
I mean something about being in naturealways like yeah, your feelings. And
I was also going to say becauseI'm not like when I journal, it
is massive, like so I don'tlike journaling because I cannot just write a
(26:49):
little bit and it goes on andon and though I know, but girl,
I ain't trying to have no crampinghand. I just so it.
So it's almost it's like overwhelming tome because I know if I start writing,
it's just gonna go. So whatI like to do, because I'm
also a talker, I'll record myselfokay, and I've learned that that is
really helpful just because I'm getting totalk it out. And then sometimes I'll
(27:12):
watch it, sometimes I won't.Yeah, it's just to get it,
to get it out and now it'sthere. And sometimes when you watch it,
you're like, Okay, I seeI see it, I feel it.
I can let it go, Sothat that might be an option.
I want to know what what canI do to help my friend that I
said that I talked about earlier whoexperiences who has experienced loss for the holidays
(27:38):
with her fam, Like, whatare some tips I can do for that
situation? Well, yeah, Imean I think the main thing is just
to be present for the person,not just during the holidays, but also
like afterwards. I mean, ofcourse they're gonna be on your radar more
during the holidays, but it's alsoimportant to be like you know, in
January and then in February, inMarch and ongoing, like hey, like
(28:02):
how's it going, Like how's everything? You know, how how are you
feeling now? And as we getaway from the holidays a little bit like
then and then you know there's moresunlight and we were entering spring and then
summer, like it may not beas the grief, may not be as
oppressive. Yeah, but it's importantto just be present, you know,
(28:22):
ask them like, Hey, I'mgonna go and do this. Do you
want to come with me? OrI'm gonna like stop by the store.
Do you need anything? Even ifthey're like no, bye, no,
Like, just just knowing that there'ssomeone else who is like making themselves available
and cares for you, is itreally? Yeah, it's a really really
really big deal. And you knowwhat else, maybe you just as you're
(28:42):
talking. It made me remember whenI lost my grandmother, and I think
that first holiday without her, thefamily and I like started reminiscing about her.
Yeah, and that really made mefeel so much better, even though
at first I was like I don'twant to talk about her, like,
but I remember us just having conversations, and you know, I remember I
(29:04):
would go to my grandmother's and shetaught me how to make her caramel icing
from scratch and all this stuff.Yeah, so it was like it was
therapeutic in that sense because it waslike we're remembering all the good things about
her, and then what would thatperson want? And I know my grandmother
would be like if y'all are like, y'all don't be in here, said
ya right, like why are y'allhere? Y'all do And just knowing that
(29:29):
like that's what she wanted for us, it was like, okay, well,
let me honor her by like notsitting here, bmoby, but like
really just take some time. Andthe other part was that so we had
that was like right before Thanksgiving washer birthday when we used to do our
Thanksgiving like two weeks before the actualday. And so that year I was
in La by myself for Thanksgiving andI remember her, Oh my aunt had
(29:56):
her cremated because my grandmother wanted tobe cremated. So when I I went
back home right before Thanksgiving, shegave me my grandmother's ashes. Oh nice,
And so I was like, youknow what I'm going to do for
Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to goto the beach and I'm going to release
her ashes on the beach because Ihad always wanted to take my grandma,
grandmother to the beach. She'd nevergone. Oh wow, yeah, she's
(30:17):
from like deep South, and Iwas like planning on doing it. I
was like, okay, I'm gonnahave to get a get a wheelchair,
and which beach, push yournd youknow all this stuff. And so I
was like, this is going tobe me taking her to the beach,
right, y'a. Let me justtell you. Oh my god. So
I go. I wake up earlyThanksgiving morning. I go to Manhattan Beach.
It's peaceful, it's silence scene.You know in La Thanksgiving is not
(30:40):
really that cold, no little cold, but not not like it might be
eighty, it might be fifty.It was a nice day, we'll say,
like sixty five. And so Iget there. I have my little
blanket out, and I really justtook some moment. I did a moment
of prayer, just meditation, andI was like, you know, I
said some words, this is likemy own little person memorial service. I
(31:00):
walk up to the water, becauseI'm sitting on the beach. Now,
nobody care. I walk up tothe water. I open her little vial
that has her ashes in it.I jumped him and the wind blew it
all on my face and my mouthwas open y'all. Oh my god.
I was like, oh my god. Oh in that moment, I started
(31:23):
cracking up. Hell yeah, solowd I know, people were looking at
me. They were like, whatis going on with this crazier out there,
because in that moment, I reallyfelt it was like my grandmother just
being like, girl, you doingthe most? Yeah like you okay.
I was like, oh my gosh, my grandmother's ashes is in my mouth.
Like you want to play the ashgame, I'm make your whole mouth
ashy. But that was just itwas my God, Like you know,
(31:47):
in my grief, it turned intojoy because it was like that was my
grandma. Yeah. God put thewind a little bit this way, exactly
the wind this way, so yeahyeah, like it just it just made
my heart smile. Like taking thatmoment to remnist. So I guess it's
important to remember the good times.Yeah, no, it is. It
is really good to remember the goodtimes. And like I was just thinking
(32:07):
about my grandma too. She mygrandmother didn't her birthday is in November,
and so on her birthday, Iusually try to do something like super fun,
like I try, like I tryto do something super fun, whether
it's I mean, it could beanything. It could be like me watching
a funny movie. It could beme going outside and just being like hi,
(32:28):
hi to everybody, which is normallyme. But because my grandmother was
a really like kind of she waslike a like a depressed personally. Yeah,
so I really try to like I'mlike, okay, Grandma, like
all right, like this is foryou. So and even if the person,
look, even if you know anybodyout there you're grieving somebody that maybe
(32:50):
wasn't the nicest to you or wasn'ttreating me with the respect that you deserve,
it's always good to be able tojust maybe reframe Thanksgiving or reframe Christmas,
like it's pretty much dead outside.Like you know what, I really
love to zoo on Christmas or Thanksgivingif I have nothing like no plans is
I'll go to the Korean spot becauseno one's there. Yeah. Like,
(33:12):
there's so many ways to treat yourselfand you don't have to like stay in
the house and just be like,oh, new traditions, Yeah, make
new traditions exactly. So you knowthat story is cali funny, I know,
but it kind of reminds me ofOkay, don't get mad. It
kind of reminds me of, like, I know, the practice of like,
(33:34):
Okay, someone gets cremated and thenlike they make little tiny like eurns,
And I'm like, but what ifthat like what if the ashes that
you got are like the foot orsomething like? How does that work?
Girl? Like, I don't know. I just I just have my grandma's
foot in my mouth. Probably,okay, probably, Yeah that was funny.
(33:55):
Yeah, no, no, thatthat is funny. But you know
what, I hope that that washelpful, you guys. And that's all
the time we have today for ourdeep dive segment. Yes, let's switch
gears as I washed the taste ofashes out my mouth, and let's get
into this last segment, pop culturediagnosis right after this. Okay, So
(34:21):
Meg, we're gonna get into ourpop culture diagnosis for this week. So
can you please give our listeners aquick synopsis of the holiday classic How the
Grinstal Christmas? And who we're goingto diagnose today? Are you already know
this is like such a good popculture diagnose It is because this is a
classic movie, How the Grinch StoleChristmas? You know, you all know
about it. It's based on DoctorSeuss's beloved children's book and it tells the
(34:45):
story of the Grinch, who isa green at grouchy mother poop shut your
mouth, and he's a recluse,and he despises a joint celebration of Christmas
and the cheerful town of Whoville.Now, the Grinch hatches a plan all
the presents and the decorations from thewho's on Christmas Eve, hoping to put
it into their holiday joy. ButDoctorrmie, I need you to diagnose the
(35:08):
grumpy Grinch. Okay, yeah,so let me see which which one do
you like the best? The thelike old school like animated Grinch, or
like the New Grinch. Jim Carrey, Girl, I saw that one.
What No, I never saw it. So guess what you're gonna have to
do today? What this week?This month? Watch it because it's good,
(35:30):
Yes, because it's a Jim Carreyyou know, he's very animated.
It it just it makes sense forit just adds another level of fun to
the movie. Yeah, think,yeah, it does. Watch it,
Okay, I just I just grewup with the with the original one.
Yeah, I saw that one.Too, but like once you see the
live action one with Jim Carrey,it just I don't know, it just
adds a little more fun to it. Yeah, they did do a good
(35:52):
job with the makeup and stuff theydid girl. Yeah. So here's what
I would say. The Grinch naturallylike gets a bad name, just kind
of if even if you know thestory, just superficially or like you know,
in a cursory way, the GrinchI've seen like some people just kind
of throw out like, oh,well, the Grinch is a narcissist,
(36:14):
or he's like he has anti socialpersonality disorder or but you know, when
I think of the Grinch, honestly, I think of someone who's depressed yea,
which you know, for some peoplemight be like, well, how
do you see that he's so grumpy? Here's the thing, like there's that
song like, oh you're a meanone, mister Grinch. YEA depression like
(36:36):
you can have the you can haveall the symptoms of clinical depression. But
it looks different for different people.So for some people, it's like I'm
not leaving the house. I'm sad, you know, I'm not like bathing
or changing my clothes, and I'mjust like, oh, just like sitting
around and just feeling bad for myselffor other people such as myself. When
we get depressed, we get reallyreally angry and just grumpy and just like
(37:00):
why are you doing that? Right? Like just we just get really like
attack mode. And the fact thatthe Grinch is able to see the air
of his ways at the end,like towards the end of the movie and
is actually accepted by the who's inWhovill really shows that he's not a narciss
because you can't change the narcissists becausethey're like, I'm fine, there's nothing
(37:22):
wrong with me. Why would Ichange? Personally with anti social personality disorder,
it's kind of the same thing likethey are for whatever reason, their
brains are kind of hardwired to justbe like dicks, like they're just so
like they're just like they just willgo out of their way to manipulate and
(37:44):
just try to undermine. And yes, the Grinch did undermine and manipulate and
do the best that he could tobasically make the people in Whovil really feel
the way that he felt. Yeah, but it was from a place of
hurt necessarily, like you know,because he's a narcissist, right exactly.
Yeah, yeah, and he wasable to be happy towards the end.
(38:05):
So the fact that he was ableto change and he did actually he was
able to accept like the holiday spiritand all that other stuff really just shows
that the Grinch, if anything,was more depressed. I mean, I
was kind of sad when I thoughtabout it, because the Grinch really didn't
treat his dog the nicest. Sothat made me kind of sad. But
(38:27):
that was in the seventies when itwas like Peter wasn't really a thing,
so like, okay, okay,maybe okay, then maybe as long as
he treats his dog better in thisnew one and then I'm on board with
that. But but yeah, Iwould diagnose the Grinches being depressed, and
then towards the end he was ableto actually feel joy because he got he
was accepted and yeah, and hewas able to kind of like get out
(38:50):
there the way that maybe in away that we were just talking about people
experiencing like grief and loss during theholidays, like you can't shut yourself in,
but you really would kind of bedoing yourself a disservice. Now I'm
about to go watch this again.For like the fiftieth time. Okay,
I've never I've never seen it.It's really good. It's yeah, it's
cute, it's cute. Yeah.And Jim Carrey like that makeup was amazing.
(39:13):
Yes. Yeah, So there itis the Grinch. He was depressed,
and towards the end movie he's notand that's kind of well. I
wouldn't say that's kind of what theholiday season is about, but you know,
but it was just up getting it, putting yourself in a different spirit
and seeing, you know, thegoodness exactly in the holidays, whether you
celebrate them or not. It's justabout the goodness and the kindness and the
(39:34):
love exactly. Yeah, and that'swhat the Grinch was able to do.
So anyway, that's it for popculture Diagnosis. I hope you guys enjoyed
it. We're gonna have a nunWe're gonna have another fun character to analyze
next week. Yes, So ifyou guys have any character suggestions that you'd
like for me to diagnose, hitme up on Twitter or x whatever at
(39:58):
Doctor Underscore email, hit Meg upon Instagram at Meg scoop, or email
us both at Hello Atdiemanistateofmind. Dotcom and if you love us and the
show, please remember to rate andreview us in your favorite podcast app or
if you're watching on YouTube, likethis video, comment, and subscribe to
our channel. We appreciate and loveyou. We appreciate you so much,
(40:20):
Thank you so much for you too, Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Bye,
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