September 22, 2023 • 53 mins
Dr. Imani is reaching for her notepad to prescribe mandatory rest for all listeners! You get a nap, you get a nap, everybody gets a nap! Living through chaos and finding time to unplug can seem incredibly hard, but only if you make it that way. Join Dr. Imani and Meg Scoop as they discuss the importance of rest, finding time to shut your mind off, and ways we can all start resting better. The ladies also perform a pop culture diagnosis on Joe from the Netflix series ‘You.'
If you'd like to submit a listener letter to the show, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
If you'd like to submit a listener letter to the show, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:16):
Hey, everybody, welcome between Money'sstate of mind. I am doctor Emani
and I beg scoop. Yes,okay, So what's on everyone's mind?
What are we talking about? Iwanted to Okay, so this happened a
while back, but I never mentionedit, and I wanted to get your
take on this. So Mitch McConnellfor the second time, girl, girl,
(00:37):
he's a zombie. I don't evenhave to say. You know what
I'm gonna say. So it's beenreanimated. He keeps he keeps glitching,
right, So I don't know ifhe's a clone or whatever. Maybe he
put a new clote out of him. But here's what I want to ask
you is should there be a cutoff age for politicians? What is that
(00:57):
age? I mean, legit,the cut off should I'm I'm of the
mind that politicians should really be younger, like, like how young? I
mean if you can vote at eighteen, I would say, by like,
I would say that I'm fine withwith people being running for office at twenty
(01:19):
five, and I'm okay with themstopping at sixty five. I think that's
a good I think that's a goodage range. And sixty five is kind
of pushing it a bit for me, like, because the thing about it
is that when you have older politicians, they're more so thinking about like they're
just predisposed to think, to thinkthe way that they have been taught to
(01:42):
think. Right, But there's alsoa pro in that, because I feel
like there's some with experience sometimes comeslike there's just a mature experience that I
think benefits us with a sixty fiveyear old that I don't know that we
get with the twenty five year old. But there's a pro with a twenty
five year old, which is newideas, new thoughts exactly. Those aren't
(02:04):
always good, That's what I'm saying. I like the balance of a twenty
five year old and a sixty fiveyear old doing politics together. I can't.
I mean, I do too,But I also kind of feel like,
since there will be a range ofages, like somebody who's forty five,
somebody who's thirty five, I justfeel like sixty five by that point,
like you need to let it go. Yeah, I think I think
(02:25):
sixty five. Is it like we'replanning your retirement party this year? And
with this right and with the SupremeCourt, I'm like, if y'all don't,
okay, like you cannot die upthere. Whose idea was that to
have the Supreme Court on there forlife? I mean, I don't know
if it was the founding fathers ormaybe it was somebody who decided, like
in the seventeen hundred, eighteen hundreds, that's how it should be. But
(02:46):
also remember back then people was dyingat like thirty five. That's true,
you know, so like worst life. First of all, I don't ever
think I want a job for life. I don't even like something that I
love. I don't want to doit for life. Yeah, not forever.
And and also like I don't know, I just like I've been reading
(03:07):
more about Like I read an articlelast week about how they're they're these courses
that take place at Yale and Princetonand I think like at Oxford University in
England. And it's basically for peoplewho have been executives, let's say,
all their lives, and they they'reabout to hit retirement age or they're about
(03:29):
to hit retirement and so for ayear they pay like I mean, it's
a gang of money. They paygang of money and they take these courses
to learn like what am I goingto do right, Like what or what
what is going to be my newnormal after I retire from my job.
You get up, you go greetat Walmart? Shut up for all?
(03:51):
No, but a respectable job.Okayalar no, it is no. I
love the Walmart reatters. Do Idefinitely, I'm like, oh my god,
thank y'all. But at the sametime, I feel like it's it's
something that I've definitely seen, LikeI've definitely seen it in my mom,
Like she like we had a conversation. I was like, but you don't.
You don't work as a journalist nomore. And she was like,
(04:13):
yes, I do. And ina way she kind of does because she
still like is involved in the mix, but she's not actually, but she
doesn't do the job that she did. And I and a lot of I
think I think a lot of whatshe may be experiencing is the fact that
like when you have a job,especially like she's a baby boomer, like
(04:33):
they were taught to essentially like keepthe same job for keep the same job,
you bust your ass, you haveto you know, always be busy,
always be you know, always beclosing. And then once you hit
retirement, like how do you stopthat? Yeah, you know what I'm
saying personally, I'm looking forward todoing something different. It might still be
(04:55):
psychiatry, like I've really been gettinginterested in in nutritional psychiatry. Okay,
but like best believe, like whenit's time for me to retire, I'm
gonna be like, goodbye, I'mabout to go do whatever I want to
do, and which will probably meanmore of what I'm doing now as far
as like my free time. Yeah, but I'm just like, you can't
(05:16):
like when it comes to politics,I want fresh ideas. Yeah. I
just think at that point it's likeit doesn't mean your life is over.
I think you just move into thenext phase of your life, which is
probably to me at that age,probably consulting or teaching, because there's a
whole generation of people that need yourexperience. We just don't need you to
make any more allows Okay, butyou can teach younger people in college who
(05:40):
haven't yet run for office. Maybeyou teach them something new their age plus
your experience, right, you know, we need that. So I just
feel like consulting is the way togo once you hit sixty five, if
you still have more life to youand you're like, I'm not ready to
just sit down and do nothing andknit like I want to do more.
Then there's a bunch of people whocan learn from your experience. Go teach
(06:02):
right, go consults right. Theother exactly. The other issue that was
raised in that article that I readlast week about people close to retirement age
is that that course that obviously mostpeople can't afford, Like you take a
year off and you like take thesecourses at these prestigious universities. They essentially
(06:24):
introduce these people to like they're likethirty new friends because when yeah, because
when you when you work, youare used to like, Okay, I'm
sending an email, somebody's gonna replyyeah, and you think that you have
like two hundred like best friends.But then when you retire or you leave
your job, you like, ohmy god, Like whereas before people would
(06:45):
really like reply to my email,maybe like two people reply yeah, because
they're like, you don't even workin no more? Yeah, like like
what do you want? So yeah, I definitely got a better understanding of
what people go through when they weretire. But I'm also really into the
fact that teaching people that they're nottheir job right, like their identity is
(07:12):
not their job, and that theycan that they are like their own whole
person and they can find something elseto do and actually make money, whether
it be consulting or something else.Like some ofeman in the article said that
she was she was like an executivesomewhere, and she was like, yeah,
and I discovered through this course thatI wanted to write plays. So
now I've been writing plays and likeit's really like great dada. So so
(07:35):
yeah, because I feel like allof us have more than one gift,
right, Oh yeah, so it'sa perfect time to explore what else exactly?
Exactly? Yeah, Well, letme tell you this week, this
past week, or really over thepast like months, I discovered a new
TV show called Body and Abasement.Oh lord, girl, it's called Body
(07:56):
and Abasement. It's on Max.And I was like, is it like
an idea, like a like atrue crime show, Like oh gosh,
so sometimes. So it's called Bodyand Debasement. They have like five seasons
or something like two seasons or something, so they're coming out with new episodes.
Listen. I was. I washere in my house and I was
like this, Oh guy, Iwas so bored like there's nothing good on
(08:20):
TV and we're not gonna get anythinggood because of the writer strike, which
I'm totally in supportive. And thenHBO mass was like, Yo, you
want to watch your called Body inthe Basement. I was like, bitch,
yes I do. Okay, I'mlike, you laid it all out
for me. So sometimes your ownbody being your own basement, sometimes your
body being somebody else basement. Sometimesyour body be in a fridge in the
(08:43):
basement. Like it's so like,it is so good. So basically wait,
it's talking about like, oh,somebody was missing and then they found
them in the basement of someplace.Yep, it's crazy. It is crazy.
But I'm gonna tell you one thingabout body in the basement. Ohio.
Y'all got a lot of like it'salways oh my god, the sigments
(09:03):
in the water in both of thoseOhio is like Midwest Florida. It is
perfect description. They found. Okay, let me tell you real quick this
story. They found this girl,they found this woman and this was this
was the crazy thing on the show. They like, you know, they'd
be blowing stuff out on this oneparticular episode, this lady was found in
a freezer is somebody else's basement.They showed the foot, They showed the
(09:28):
leg, like the leg with icicleson it. I was like, oh
my god. They showed their handsbecause they had to thaw their hands out
and fingerprint that the hands and getfingerprints and find out who the lady was.
Girl, I was like, thisis the best show. I can't
do this. Yes, no,oh, Do I have a body in
my basement? I mean I don'thave a do do my neighbors have a
(09:50):
body in a basement? Let mecheck their houses? When I go like,
I just can't. I mean,I'd be going too far with it.
Okay, girl, when they showif I have a body in the
basement, like, really, it'smy house. You don't have no body
in debasement. That's what I'm saying. I got a deep freeze. I
had to go check my deep freezer. Does somebody put a body in a
girl? They showed that lady's likelegs crazy, I said both. I
was like, I was like,oh, I was like, I d
(10:13):
network oh y'all. Oh my god. So that's what I've been That's what
I've been getting into this past week. Body in the basement. So speaking
of bodies in the basement. I'mjust kidding. That was a terrible segue.
So today's deep dive is going tobe about sleep, Okay, I
need help. Sleep is something thatI know a lot about, obviously.
(10:37):
I well, not that you guysknow obviously, but I love to sleep.
I could go to sleep right now. But the bathing is, you
know, a lot of us havea lot of people have issues with insomnia.
Yeah, there's like primary insomnia,like if you if you have a
hard time falling asleep, then there'slike secondary insomnia if you have a hard
time staying asleep. And how manyof us have stayed up late studying,
(11:00):
binging TV, are working lane allthe time? Did you notice like that
you had a changing a mood ormental health after that like late night,
because you were saying that you werebasically you got up super early this morning.
I didn't even sleep, Yeah,girl, no, I think I
might have gotten an hour and ahalf of sleep exactly, and then got
on a plane. You know,it was in and out of sleep,
not really sleeping on the plane.How are you here? I don't even
(11:22):
know, girl, I feel likeI'm just I'm like a gut floating.
Yeah, I can't at this point, I can't. I can't live,
Like if I don't get like likeseven hours of sleep, it is y'all
don't even know I need to getback to that. But you know,
I also have little little kids.You do. Yeah, So I think
it'll get better. It'll get better, It'll get better, but like,
(11:43):
help, but listen. My asswould be sleep with my son. We
would be sleeping the same bed,and I remember like, and I would
be knocked out, and so therewas there was re persicula side where he
like slid off the bed like nextto the wall, and he was like
and I was like, oh no, the so I picked him up and
I had to put pillows against thewall because bro, when I'll be sleep,
(12:03):
I'll be sleep. I don't knowhow you do it. I feel
like when I became my mom,I used to be like I remember I
slept through an earthquake here and everybodywas like the next one. I was
like, oh my gosh, areyou okay. I was like there was
an earthquake thing, but was like, yes, it was like destruction outside.
I was like, oh okay.I used to sleep and then I
had kids. I cannot I canhear him. Yeah, yeah, because
you'd be like, are you breathing? Like when they're really small, I'm
like, I can't sleep deep anymore. I got to hold a mirror underneath.
(12:26):
I had held a mirror underneath theGreece's nose, like he looks so
peaceful, like is he breathing?Like, oh my god, what is
happening? So okay, So anyway, we're gonna talk about sleep and how
important sleep is and sleep deprivation andall those topics, and I really want
to discuss the role that sleep playsand bettering your mental health. So if
you are listening to this show,you are and you are looking for ways
(12:48):
to protect your peace and get yourmind right, then getting your rest is
a good place to start. AndI'm gonna talk all about it. We're
gonna talk all about it a littlebit later in the show. Okay.
So if you guys are loving theshow, please let us know by rating
the show on your favorite podcasts.Please. Okay, So let's get the
show started. It's time for AskDoctor Money. Any I love it?
(13:13):
Okay. So this is the partof the show where you can ask me
and Meg anything anything, and we'regonna give you our professional as sometimes I
mean really like not some professional advice. Can I say that Meg and I
really enjoy we love like I lovegetting these letters. I'm like, I
wonder if somebody made this up,but I don't think y'all are making this
upright, But in any case,even if you did, I'm still answer
(13:35):
it right. You guys really donot hold back and I love that.
So Meg, who is our firstletter from It comes from Angel hand Girl,
she rights doctor money and Meg.I've been with my boyfriend for a
year now, and what I loveabout him is his ability to communicate.
This is the longest relationship I've everbeen in. I finally found a man
who was doing the work to healhis childhood scars and improve his mental health,
(13:58):
so our relationship is really healthy.He even challenges me to address my
childhood trauma, and I'm working toheal and grow through this relationship. The
other day, we were talking aboutour past relationships and how they have shaped
who we are and our current relationship, and he dropped the bomb on me
that before me, he dated afew men in his past, but says
(14:18):
he's not buy or gay. Butthey were learning lessons that helped him lead
him to me. That was alot for me to take in, and
I asked him for some space fora while to think. Since I hit
pause on our relationship, he hasbeen telling our mutual friends I am judgmental
and not the real woman he thoughtI was, and it's questioning if we
are even a good match. Heis totally making me look like a bad
(14:41):
guy because I wanted some time toprocess what he told me. He says,
I am letting societal norms fuck upmy opportunity to be in a great
relationship. I don't want to beshamed into making a decision on how I
feel. I am also wondering ifI got played. Did he wait to
share this information until I had realfeelings for him? What should I do?
Do I love him or leave him? Okay, Angel, first of
(15:05):
all, I'm gonna say that it'snot I don't consider it a bad thing
that he waited to tell you thatthat he had been with men. And
the real thing to think about islike what if he didn't tell you?
Like would it like would it reallyimpact? Yeah? Everything? Right?
(15:28):
Like he's he's helping you to beable to communicate effectively and like work through
some past issues. I mean,just like with any other relationship, like
whoever the person that you're with,whoever they were with before you really just
isn't any of business, Like it'sjust yeah, it's not your business.
And because you guys have been communicatingreally effectively, I'm sure he felt like,
(15:52):
Okay, Like now I'm gonna tellher you said that your third year
a thirty eight year old excuse me. You say that he's upset and that
he feels that you're being kind ofjudgmental. I don't you know. I'm
not going to sit here and saythat you're judgmental, but I will say
that from the outside looking in,it definitely looks like you're being judgmental because
(16:15):
you were like, yo, Igotta take a break. Because if he
was like, oh, yeah,I've been with other chicks before, I
doubt that you would have been like, I need to take a break.
Everybody's journey is different. And althoughI've never been in a relationship with a
woman, I definitely can say thatall of my previous relationships with men have
led me to the place where I'mat now. Yeah, And I think
(16:37):
the question so I don't think she'swrong for saying she needs to take a
break. Okay, I don't thinkit's not to say I don't think she
should say she should take a break. I think she just wanted some time
to process. And I feel likeshe maybe should go back and talk to
him and say, hey, I'mnot saying what I'm not saying anything's bad
with you. I'm saying I needto take a minute to process obviously what
I thought right, my own societalissues, right, I need to take
(17:03):
a moment to get through this.So would you be kind enough to lend
me the space for that? BecauseI didn't even know this was something that
would ever pop up. So nowI'm having to challenge what I thought about
this because at the end of theday, you know, it's not about
we all haven't pass right, Sothe question isn't about like who that was
his past, you know? Sothe question now is can you deal with
(17:25):
that being his past? Now,if you're saying I don't know if I
want to be with this man becausehe may still be into men, and
that's something you're like, I can'tfulfill that, then that's a different story.
But it sounds like he's just intoyou. Girl, like, he
just wants to be with you,he loves you. You haven't said anything
negative or harmful or talksic about yourrelationship, which means it's the best relationship,
(17:47):
so you should pursue it and justsay that was his past. Yeah,
it's not something like he found hisway to me, right, and
that's that. Yeah, that's it. That's that, that's it. Yeah,
I completely agree. I mean,and it's hard I get it as
a woman to be like, waita minute, because there's insecurities that come
with that. She said she's healingher own childhood trauma, So what if
part of that is insecurity in general? And like, oh well, now
(18:12):
I have to add the layer.Are you like still intimate? So now
I have to be worried about likeare you gonna cheat on me with a
man or a woman? Like nowit's like I don't know what to do,
Like, Okay, that's something yougotta work through. Yeah, that's
something you gotta work though. Imean you could. I mean, given
that it sounds like you presume thathe was heterosexual. He's been heterosexual his
(18:33):
whole life, you know, whetherhe was with a guy or not.
Like it doesn't I mean it shouldn'treally matter, especially because you care so
much for this person and he obviouslycares as much for you. Yeah,
I think that a lot of what'shappening is just miscommunication. And I do
understand that he feels he feels likeyou kind of abandoned him. But that's
(18:56):
really where you can just come inand be like, look, I thought
one thing, like my bad,I'm you know, the victim of you
know, societal norms, and butI do still care for you, and
you know, I just wanted Ijust needed some space to make this work.
I would just implore you Angel tosay this like sooner rather than later.
Yeah, because you know, everyday the divide gets bigger deeper.
(19:18):
He probably feels like not supported byyou. Yeah, you know for something
that for him is probably truly inhis past. It feels like so it's
like why are you still because that'sthe same thing with like on the flip
side, there's men who you know, let's say you found out your your
lady, you know, got ranthrough right. Some guys can't deal with
that, and then you're not thepious version. I thought you were right,
(19:40):
So, but that's a personal preference. And if that's what you were
looking for then, and you wantto discount someone's wonderful qualities now, then
that's your choice, right, butyou have to be upfront about you do
have to be upfront about that.So I mean, I think she,
you know, takes some time tofeel like, do you are you do
love him for who he is toyou right, really is and who he
will be going forward based on whathe says about you know how y'all's interaction
(20:04):
has been, right, if you'reokay with that, then okay, well
it was in the past, honey, Okay, don't be don't be slanging
no penis to know other men now, Okay, it's just she with me,
okay, or other vaginas like yourpenis is my right, Like that's
really what it is. You justdon't. I think it's you just don't
want him to cheat, right,right, And the fact that it could
be a man he said he's not, he's by yeah, he's like,
(20:27):
it's just you know, you don'tyou don't ever know what people have gone
through in their past. So Ijust okay, it's in your past,
Okay, we cool, Like let'smove forward. Yeah, because everybody has
something, Yeah, I mean,you can take your space, but you
can also give him some grace,but you really need to like get at
him like today. Yeah. Andif you are a woman who's like,
(20:48):
okay, well once gay, alwaysguy, well then go ahead and move
on to us, because that's notthat's not fair. He leave him.
He seems like he's a wonderful manyet now, so let him be for
somebody else then, right, Yeah, and please, you have no idea
how many numbers of men are onthe deal and that they don't divulge.
So I would say, you know, be happy that he was honest with
(21:08):
you. Yeah. Yeah, Soanyway, angel, I hope that helped
you. Yes. Our next lettercomes from a listener by the name of
Ebony. She says, Dear doctore Moni and Meg, I am a
thirty eight year old mom and wife. Lately, my daughter has been into
finding out about our family's mental healthand physical history. By her asking questions,
(21:29):
it made me realize I know absolutelynothing about my family's health history.
When I asked my mom about ourfamily health history, she told me to
find something else to talk about.My mom comes from the era of nothing
is wrong, pray it away,and that's that how do I break her
from this way of thinking? Howdo I start a conversation about mental health
with my mom who doesn't believe inthe importance of prioritizing mental health or discussing
(21:53):
mental illness we may have in ourfamily. I do think it's important to
know our family's health history, andmy mom is the only one to give
me answers. Okay, Ebony,So I understand I know a lot of
folks, especially black folks, likethis, but here's what I would suggest
(22:15):
to you. So I can definitelysay that I'm really thankful that my mother
and my biological father have been reallyupfront, Like if I ask some questions,
like, you know, like anybodyin our family, got ca answer.
Anybody in our family, like haveany issues with like mental illness,
they'll tell me. Now. Also, I'm a psychiatrist, so I can
(22:37):
kind of I've kind of like figuredout who in my family has what.
But I would say that what youmight want to do, Ebany, is
if you don't, if you haven't, if you don't have a family tree
like all kind of filled out,you might want to start working on that.
Yeah, because that really allowed meto ask my dad, like my
(22:59):
biology dad, like who is thisperson? Where were they born? Did
you know anything about them? Andsometimes people will say things that are kind
of clues to help you figure outlike what what they may have been afflicted
with. So, first of all, you asked Emny like, how do
(23:22):
I get my mom to be moreopen? I don't think you really can,
Like your mom is you know,she feels like that's really nobody's business.
I don't want to talk about it, and that's that. But I
would definitely reach out to other familymembers. Yeah, there's likely going to
be somebody who will be able togive you some clues, if not just
outright telling you like, oh,well this person had this, and I
believe this person was like this,or even just asking them like, well,
(23:45):
how were how were they like personalitywise? Did they ever have to
go to a hospital? Was ita regular hospital? Was it like it's
like yeahder hospital, that type ofthing. So I would yeah, I
would just approach other family members andtry to get as much information as you
can. And everything you said somethingabout you. Your mom's the only person
(24:06):
you can ask, So I'm assumingmaybe there are no other family members that
you know of, which is whyit's important too. You know, you
can do one of the I mean, I'm not an advocate for one of
these, like ancestry like websites,but it may be helpful if you're suspecting
because it sounds like there's something youBecause most people don't say, oh,
like I want to know about themental illness in my family. Usually it
(24:27):
comes from because you feel like something'sgoing on right, you have some kind
of an inkling. So if that'sthe case, it may benefit you to
do one of these like ancestry typeof you know, fines and see who
else is in your family that youdon't know of, reach out to them,
maybe have a conversation. The otherthing I will say is maybe you
(24:48):
can talk to your mom in adifferent way. One thing that I because
my dad is from the same era, okay, and he is like no,
I realized I was the only personin my family and my dad has
like nine brothers into I was theonly person that would ask questions. And
I didn't realize I was the onlyI was like nobody everybody else saying asking
(25:08):
this too, you know. AndI was to see like my aunts and
our uncles just like kind of sitthere. Nobody want to talk about things,
I'm gonna be like, why arenobody talking about this? So they're
all kind of like I mean,and they didn't have an answer. They
were kind of just like, well, nobody ever said anything, so,
you know, And so I realizedI had to some of the things.
I had to frame in a differentway and explain why I was asking instead
(25:33):
of just asking a question out right, like Okay, for example, I
want to take a certain medication.Do we have this type of cancer in
our family? Right? Because thedoctors asked and I and my dad was
like, actually, I think thisperson and this person, this person they
had something like that, and Iwas like, like, what do you
mean? He didn't know. SoI had to go ask my aunt and
(25:53):
she she had more information. Soit was like, okay, sometimes if
you frame things differently, because nowI feel like if I just asked my
dad do we have cancer? Periodor question mark be like no, I
don't want to know they ain't wegood? But if I would, But
the fact that I was like,hey, I'm trying to take this medication
and I need to know if there'sa certain kind of thing in our family
because it could possibly cause us cancerand me blah blah blah, and then
(26:15):
he was like, oh okay,well, like you know X y Z.
And so sometimes if you frame itlike that, maybe if you you
know, grandparents love their grandchildren,maybe if you say, hey, mom,
like your granddaughter really wants to knowthese things because if we have a
history of cancer or mental illness,we want to get ahead of it now.
We don't want to have to waittill there's stage four cancer in our
(26:38):
family when we could have been doingstuff proactive. And sometimes when you frame
it that way, it's like,oh, well I don't want it to
happen my grand baby right exactly.It may it may help. Yeah,
I would just yeah, I meanjust along the lines of what men said,
I would. I would kind ofgo about asking it in different ways.
Yeah, so like, oh,mom, we're after you had me,
(27:00):
how did you feel? Like yeah, were you happy? Were you
depressed? Like, were you sadat all? Like? And then your
mom may be like, oh no, I was fine, but you know
your aunt, and now you kindof like build this, yeah, this
mental health history. I I whenI was actively dating, I would I
(27:21):
would do things like that. Yeah. I would be like oh so you
know, yeah, like as faras like mental health goes, how do
you feel about it? Like,oh, have you ever had to deal
with that? And then like theyyou know, you're on a date,
so people want to talk. Yeah, and then I would kind of like
form the family tree of the place. Yeah yeah, yeah, so that
so surreptitiously, That's what I woulddo. But yeah, I you know,
(27:45):
Ebony, I think it's just reallya matter of you have to just
ask it a little bit differently andjust really appeal to your mom's sense of
wanting to look out for her forher grandchild. Yeah, you know,
that's funny you bring that up.But I had the same situation with my
mom. She never really told meher story like she told me after,
you know, she'd moved to anew country with my father, she had
(28:06):
my brother, didn't speak English.Was in the middle of Idaho, Korean
woman, early eighties, and sheafter she had my brother, she just
felt all alone. And she saidthat was the roughest time in my marriage.
She said, I wasn't ready togo back to Korea. And I
was like what, tell like why? And it wasn't until I had my
son and went through postpartum depression andI was like, hey, let's revisit
(28:29):
that conversation, like how did youfeel during then? And so I realized,
oh, we have postpartum depression andher family this is why I felt
like that exactly, you know,and they didn't call it that, so
she didn't have the name for it. But when she described everything, you
know, how she felt, Iwas like, oh, this makes so
much sense for me. And soI didn't catch it with my son because
(28:51):
I just didn't ask the right questionsat the time. But when I'm a
daughter, then it was like,Okay, I can now be proactive.
I can go head like plan forthe doula, plan for this, and
it was so much better. Yeah. And so now like I'm grateful because
when my daughter has you know,if she has children, I can share
that with her and say, okay, these are things we gotta look out
for. Yeah, so much better. Yeah. Yeah, So I would
(29:11):
do that, Ebony. Yeah,I would just frame it differently for your
mom and hopefully hopefully that helps.So thank you Angel and thank you Ebany
for submitting your questions. I hopeyou were able to help, and please
let us know how it goes,and anybody else please keep your letters coming.
If you have a problem, aquestion, you want to get something
off your mind, off your heart, just hit us up, email us
(29:33):
at hello at imani state of minddot com. Yes, okay, doctor
Monty, let's switch gears and getinto our deep dive for today. So
I know firsthand that I don't geta good night's sleep and my mood is
(29:55):
just jacked up in the morning therest of the days. So talk to
me about how those things are closelyrelated, because Lord knows I need some
sleep. Okay, So look fora lot of people, will excuse me
for all people, sleep and mentalhealth are very closely linked. Yeah,
I will freely admit that for thisparticular segment, like when me and Meg
(30:18):
received the script, Like we'll goover it and stuff. This is not
anything I had to look up.I didn't have to like look up anything.
I didn't have to do any research, because I kid you, not
every patient, whether they're depressed,schizophrenic, bipolar, whatever. Every time
I see them, like as they'repsychiatrists, I'm like, how is your
sleep? And they'll be like it'sfine. I'm like, do you sleep
(30:41):
all night? Yeah? Do youhave interrupted sleep? Is it hard for
you to fall asleep because a lotof times there are so many like there's
so many symptoms that are related toinsomnia. So, for example, if
you don't sleep right, your brainand your body was not able to get
(31:02):
back to homeostasis, meaning that thehormones in your body weren't able to be
recalibrated, the neural transmitters in yourbrain weren't able to be like reuped,
so to speak. So if youdon't sleep a lot at night, you
will wake up the next day likeright, and that will lead to anxiety.
So if you have anxiety during theday, that means that you're at
(31:25):
a heightened sense of just being awareof your surroundings. And sometimes people are
a little bit hyper reactive to theirsurroundings, which means it is then likely
going to be difficult for you tofall asleep. So it's a it's a
cycle. So you can't sleep,you get anxious. Are you anxious?
You can't sleep, and you justkeep going and going and going. Yeah,
yeah, and this can be found. So I have depression, as
(31:47):
I've said numerous times, I havewhen I when I'm depressed, I have
what's called hypersomnia. So I sleeptoo much, so I escape. A
lot of people have insomnia, though, why when they're press and anxious?
Yeah, but but like, forexample, when I'm anxious, like if
I have a panic attack, it'salmost like it was so jarring to my
(32:09):
body that it leads me really fatigued, and I'll go to sleep, whereas
with most other people they're like,oh am I anxious, Like, oh,
I'm up. That's me right allthe time. I'll be up.
I can literally stay up without ablink of sleep. If I'm anxious about
something, you know, I cannot, Like I really cannot. I've always
been like that, to the pointwhere if I don't sleep very well the
(32:30):
next day, I'll start like trembling. Oh wow, it's weird. Yeah,
like it's well, it's kind ofweird. It's not really that weird.
But but and it's really just becausemy body didn't get enough time to
bring itself back to where it neededto be. Oh my gosh, that
makes me wonder how I can youknow how they say like, if you
don't get your eight hours of sleep, then you're like in the negative for
(32:51):
sleep. What is it called?Like you're not asleep surplus because you really
can't there's no spur like you endup in a sleep deficit. And I'm
gonna tell you right now, mysleep deficit is I don't think in this
lifetop I can recover from it.It is that bad because I've always never
been a good sleeper. And Irealized mine came from It came from early
(33:15):
on because I was forced to goto bed so early, and I rebelled
and was like, I'll never goto sleep early. What tie you go
to sleep at like eight thirty?But I was in like high school girl
because Deacon Thomas was not playing okay, he was like getting in this room
and got to bed. I rememberI remember being in like elementary school and
my friend like, you know,when the sun would like you would change
and do daylight savings, and thesun was out. I remember it being
(33:37):
like still wide out. Yes,Dee Thomas did not play with me,
and I would open the window andlike play like tell my friends like come
over here and let me play too. But then they would be like if
there was something I could participate inthrough my window, they would do that.
Yeah. And so as a result, that made me go, when
I get older, I'm never goingto sleep yea, And that really started
my cycle of bad sleep, andI didn't know and talk with the therapy
(33:59):
because now it's automatic, like evenif I'm tired at like ten pm,
I will not go to bed,really, I'll stay. I'll stay on
my couch and like I'll just sithere, like falling asleep here. But
then as soon as I get upto go to my bed, Oh,
now I'm up and I'm doing stuff. And I just refused to lay my
butt down and go to sleep.Oh, let me scroll, let's stuffing
on, amazig. I need toget Oh, I gotta do And I
(34:21):
realize now it's because like you're inthe back of my mind. Yes,
And and once I recognize what itwas, it was like, Okay,
now I can start to do better. But it is such a it's such
a bad habit at this age becauseI've been doing it for like the last
twenty five years. Yeah. Thatnow it's just kind of like, okay,
girl, y'all sleep deaf said,it's terrible. Let's start working at
it better. Girl. I'd beI'd be sleep. I'd be sleep,
(34:45):
like like when I go out oftown, like when me and Peter went
to Vegas a couple of weeks ago, I slept like I mean, it
sounds crazy, it sounds so good, just like I slept. No,
it just like like I slept tothe point where like I'm real sensitive to
coffee. But if I sleep enough, like if like, I'll wake up
and be like, oh my god, I'm so full of energy. We're
(35:07):
gonna like do everything I want todo today, which usually means I'm have
a lot of energy in the morning, but then as the day wears on,
I'm just like I'm tired, andplease I will take a nap.
I know y'all know that I willgo to say. But here's the thing.
So if you can't sleep right,you're likely gonna have anxiety the next
day, and that can kind oflead to an exacerbation of different different diagnoses.
(35:34):
So not sleeping is a hallmark ofbipolar disorder. It's also a hallmark
of depression. It can definitely leadto anxiety. PTSD or post traumatic stress
disorder is the best way to thinkof it. Is kind of like an
anxiety disorder because those people can theycan be hyperreactive to just any type of
(35:54):
stimuli. They can have flashbacks oflike a particular incident that led them to
have all these all this stress andlead them to having a PTSD and then
they can have nightmares, which isgoing to you know, in a lot
of instances disrupt your sleep. Sosleep plays a part into like everything,
(36:16):
like your mental health, your wholeness, like how your feel, like how
you feel on it on the dayto day. And although like there,
I've read some studies where doctor said, well, I have a patient with
severe insomnia and this person, youknow, the best that this person can
sleep, or the most this personcan sleep is like five hours. I'm
like, that ain't enough. I'llgive you an example. I have a
(36:37):
patient, it's like my average Okay, I'm a patient, and she kind
of sounds like she kind of soundslike what you were saying a little while
ago. And I'm like, I'mlike, okay, how much sleep did
you get last night? She's like, oh, I got three hours.
I'm like that's insane. Yeah,you have to go to sleep. And
I'm like, okay, so Iknow that you sleep a lot. I'm
(36:58):
excuse me. I know that youwork a lot, but when you get
home, why don't you just goto sleep? She's like, because I
feel like I spent so much timeat work that now I need to have
like my own personal time. Andso even if I'm tired, I'll stay
up and binge watch something and I'mlike, girl, go to sleep.
Yeah. I've talked to her abouthow black volks like we are entitled to
sleep, we are entitled to rest, but she's just like no, I
just She's like, I really needto just do me when I get home,
(37:22):
which I get I understand, butlike, man, I love sleep
so much, so it's a littledifficult for me imani to understand. But
as doctor Walker, I totally understandit because I'm like, even now,
I'm like, he's a five hours. I was like, God, these
at night five hours. I'll belike, ah, I'll just be like
(37:42):
that's how That's how I'm functioning rightnow. I'll know sleep. Yeah,
this is extreme, but I thinkbecause I've just never operated with much sleep.
I'm I literally sleep for like fivesix hours a night, And but
I realize I did have an eighthour sleep maybe like like a month ago
ago, which is great, andbecause before that, I don't I couldn't
(38:07):
tell you when the last year ateight hours of sleep, but I will
tell you the next day I feltlike a whole new person. You feel
like a person so much nicer.Right, So it does make a difference.
Okay, it makes a difference.It makes a difference. The one
thing that I talk about, Imean, outside of asking my patience every
time I see them, like howwould your sleep do you sleep on?
(38:30):
Is it interrupted? Like I mean, I sound like a broken record when
I'm seeing patients. But on topof that, one thing I talk about
in particular with patients that have issueswith sleep is sleep hygiene. So so
like, what what are the likewhat is your environment? Like are you
creating an optimal environment for sleep?You dirty when you sleep? He said
(38:53):
sleep hygiene and I was like,oh, I don't wash my legs.
I just let I just let aboutto say. I was like, I
sleep, I take a shot ifI got to sleep. Okay, my
sleep hygiene good. Okay, Sothat's not what that means. Okay,
what I mean. So it's like, it's the environment like optimal for you
to get sleep. So when Iwould say up until like maybe I don't
(39:15):
know, like maybe ten fifteen yearsago, like I didn't typically when I
had my own apartment, I didn'thave a TV in my room, like
my purpose. Yeah, and thatwas back when I was a resident.
Like I already wasn't getting enough sleep, especially if I was on call,
so I was just like I needblackout curtins. I don't want to be
(39:35):
in my room, you know.Also like don't drink caffeinated drinks after a
certain time. Yeah, I usuallytell people like, don't drink caffeinated drinks
after three PM. With some ofmy other patients who may have like incontinence
issues, I'll tell them like,yo, like your last sip of like
a drink or water or fluid,like make sure you don't drink anything after
(39:59):
seven p because then they'll get up, yeah and know the night and they'll
have to go to the bathroom.For a lot of them, they are
able to fall right back to sleep, but for some of them it'll take
like an hour to fall back asleep. And then you're just sitting there like,
oh, all these regrets that Ihave and all these things, and
like what do I need to dotomorrow, and it just your mind starts
going and night you can come backto sleep, yeah, yeah, because
(40:20):
because ultimately I do wake up earlyin the morning, but if I wake
up too early, like it's fourthirty. Then I'll just be like,
oh my god, I have somuch stuff to do today. And then
when I'm finally up, I'm like, oh, I was tripping. I
could totally do all this. Yeah, it's just this, like I just
need to be asleep until my eyespop open. So that's like, but
sleep hygiene is really important. Ohyeah, have a coolness of your room,
(40:44):
yeah, some people. Yeah,it's like when people get sleep studies,
they turn the temperature in the roomlike way down, so like what's
like sixty five? Oh my god. Yeah, they'll make it like super
cold. I know they'll make itsuper cold. But apparently that is helpful
towards promoting sleep. I don't althoughI just saw a study. If you're
above the age of fifty, thattemperature is now from like sixty eight to
(41:07):
seventy seven degrees And I was like, you, wow, seventy seven degrees
to go to sleep. But apparentlyit does something for older bodies where you're
I guess, I don't know,because it's harder to regulate your when you
get older something like that. Maybe. I mean, but I was like,
oh, this makes sense because myparents will make couto my house.
They're like, mine is at seventyone degrees okay, and they were just
like it's freezing in here. I'mlike what right? And here I am
(41:29):
like, okay, I'll bump itup to seventy two. Yeah, but
that's it. And now I realize, oh my gosh, I'm like killing
them. Okay, so let melet me bump it on up for them.
Yeah. But I mean, butthe main thing is sleep is really
important. Yea. And if youdon't get sleep, and I know a
number of you don't really get adequatesleep, you can expect to have anxiety,
you can expect to potentially develop depression, you can expect to weight gain.
(41:54):
That is probably why I can girl. Okay, So also your metaboli,
yes, basically right. You knowyour metabolism is influenced by sleep as
well. Yeah, so if you'renot sleeping very well, it can definitely
affect uh, the amount of weightthat you're carrying at extra chunk honey.
(42:15):
Okay, because I got it.Because I'm not sleeping, I got it.
Okay, I'll be sleep. I'mgonna be sleep, okay, sleep
yeah, sleep, yes? Yes? So so really, you know,
like like we've been talking about sleepis super important. It is make sure
that you get enough sleep. Andif you're having problems like basically sleeping on
(42:37):
your own, even after you're practicinggood sleep hygiene and all that other stuff,
like go see a doctor. YeahI'm not saying that that that person.
You know, you may not needa sleep aid like ambient or lunesta
or you know, something similar,but you may, you know, there
may be an underlying issue like amental illness that you can get treated and
that will help you sleep. Soso yeah, get your sleep on like
(43:00):
I do, like Meg doesn't.But they'll be like me, okay,
sleep skitty, Okay, you know, but you you won't get more sleep.
I am. I'm gonna you know, I'm trying to be more.
And I even told my husband.I was like, hey, help me
out here. I'm not I'm notgood at sleeping. Here's why, you
know. So he's been really likehelpful to be like, hey, it's
eleven pm, go to sleep.I bet, but I gotta do the
(43:22):
dishes. I gotta do this.And he'd be like, no, you
don't. You told me to remindyou. And I'm like, yes,
you're right correct, let me goright exactly. Let me go. Okay,
fine, right, we gotta bed. It's it's a challenge, but
I'm getting there. And my thinghas always been, like I was raised,
like you cannot leave dishes in thesink, right right, right,
but I sometimes I have to.I mean a lot of times I'm getting
better at that. I'm getting betterat like, Okay, what has to
(43:43):
be done right because a lot ofthings don't Heck you can. It may
make your next day a little bitchallenging, but what has to be done
tonight. That's washers are for.That's something. And usually it's not bad
money. It's not that bad,be honest, it's not that bad.
It's you know. Yeah. Soanyway, you guys, get your sleep
on, especially if you're a blackperson. You deserve some sleep, absolutely
(44:05):
sleep, and you are deserving ofsleep. So, yes, that's all
the time we have for today's deepdive conversations. Well, it's a good
time for us to switch gears toour favorite segment of the show, pop
culture Diagnosis. Okay, so let'sget right into our pop culture diagnosis for
(44:29):
this week. May can you giveour listeners a quick synopsis of the Netflix
show You and Who We are goingto diagnose today. Okay, Well You
is a very popular show on Netflixif you haven't seen it, and they
just announced it. They're gearing upfor their fifth and final season now.
The show is centered around a youngman named Joe. He's very charming,
(44:49):
he's little awkward, and his crushhas become something like of a more of
an obsession. He's a little yeah, but we would call a losh Yeah.
He's kind of soccer So with theuse of social media and the Internet,
he uses everything to get close towomen of his dreams. And then
he's going as far as we're movingpeople who stand in his way. So
doctor money Less, diagnose Joe.I have already I kind of already know
(45:14):
what you gonna psyche girl, becausewhat you said, hold on, sociopaths
are not charming. Psychopaths are charming. Yes, okay, I'm getting good
at this. Okay, So JoeJoe by Willin. Joe really loves this
like glass box. He likes toput the subjects of his stalking into these
(45:37):
glass boxes and like keep them inthere. But Joe is super charming.
I really did like the first season. I saw some of the second season,
but I think for me personally,it just began to get a little
bit formulaic. It does it feellike work, you like, this is
(46:00):
my patient, blah blah blah,start on. But it was more like,
okay, so first you meet thisperson and he's like, don't have
a crush on them, don't havea crush on them. And then he's
like, too, let I havea crush on you, and then I'm
gonna start stalking you through social mediaand all kinds of other things. And
so I liked the show. Iliked the switch up they kind of did
(46:22):
for season two where he was stalkinga woman but like she also had a
best friend who was a stalker yea, or really like I mean obsessed with
her, which is kind of thesame thing. The last season, Joe
is in London and he falls forthis woman and she's like, you know,
(46:43):
of the social elite and blah blahblah, and then you know,
he of course ends up you know, stalking her and all kinds of other
stuff. So Joe is at thevery least very narcissistic. He I mean,
you're, first of all, stalkingis illegal. You're not supposed to
stalk anybody. You're not supposed tobecome obsessed with anyone if that person,
(47:05):
if there's someone that you're really intoand they're not feeling you, then you
have to learn how to remove yourselffrom that person's you know, life,
and also remove that person from yourheadspace. Joe is really incapable of doing
this. There was a scene inepisode in season four where he he's he's
(47:27):
like throwing this woman into his glassbox, and he's like, I'm doing
this for your own good, whichis completely antithetical, right, Like,
if you're if you care about someone, like, if you truly care about
someone, and you're capable of showingthem like the right kind of love,
that is that is going to bereciprocated. In Joe's case, it isn't.
(47:49):
You don't need to tell someone I'mdoing this for your own good and
throwing them in like a glass boxwhere you're gonna like keep them for days,
clearly not for their own good.Yeah. So I mean Joe is
I'm obviously you know, like I'vesaid so many times before, I don't
know what's type of trauma Joe dealtwith when he was growing up, like
the character, but it was alot, yeah for him to just be
like stalking people and making boxes likeyou building glass boxes, like where you
(48:15):
go to for that. There's somethingthat you said, you said he is
incapable of like moving on when somebodydoesn't show him the same I guess affection.
Yeah, what is that when yousee that in patience? Like what
is what is that from? Likewhy don't they know? Like, okay,
well, I guess you don't likeme the way I like you trying
to move on. It can bedue to a number of factors. I
(48:37):
will definitely say that in my past, and I mean decades ago, like
if I really like somebody, Idid not stalk. I don't stalk,
and I've never stalked in he wasa stalker, but I would be like,
okay, well let me go onsocial media and like let me try
to find the address or let metry to know. I wasn't trying to
(48:59):
go there. I wasn't trying tobuy. That is like there's a degree
of stocking. Okay, there's Joetrying to You was on the other spectrum
of stocking, but you was onthe spectrum of stocking. I might have
been on the spectrum of stocking,but I never stalk I just want to
know what your address is for why? Because I wanted to see like where
they lived us. So I meanI wasn't I wasn't gonna go there.
(49:22):
I was not gonna go there.And let me just preface this by saying
that I was really depressed. Andwhen I get depressed, I get really
like focused on just things that Ican't change, and it's like why will
this person? Like why will thisperson? Really this was the real why
want this person that I completely didwrong? Like why won't they reciprocate like
(49:43):
my feelings, like, emoney,because you fucked up, that's why,
Like stop looking for their address,stop trying to find their new girlfriend on
social media, like calm down,so you know, Like so essentially I
was able to say, like,EMONI please stop. This is so stupid,
Like you're wasting your time and youcould be doing anything else right now.
Yeah, A lot of that comesfrom trauma. A lot of that
(50:04):
comes from just like the unknown,like oh, you say you got a
girlfriend now, like, let mego to you this was a long time
ago. Let me go to yourMySpace and see who this person is.
And then I'm gonna do like alike like how they do on cafish.
I'm gonna do like a reverse IMAsearch and see who this is. And
yeah, like it was a loyaltime ago, it was decades ago.
It was decades a doll Okay,I'm not like that now. Okay,
(50:27):
I'm glad. I'm glad you gotthe assistance United. Yeah, and I
and I didn't. I did notI did not stalk and I wasn't able
to get the address anyway. SoI just tomato tomato. Okay, I
wasn't no tomato tomato. I wasn'tstalk. But I also look, I
also never have locked anybody in aroom or a glass bot. No,
you're not Joe level. I'm notJoe level. I'm not. But I
(50:51):
mean people develop obsessions and compulsions,like I think kind of for Joe,
it's like he becomes obsessed with aparticular like woman, and then the compulsion
is the stalking. Like the compulsionis the behavior that reinforces the obsession.
Okay, Yeah, so he couldhave obsessive compulsive disorder with some narcissism and
(51:17):
also some antisocial traits. In theend, he's a psychopath. Congratulations,
everybody, I'm sure you probably figuredit. Out by now. But but
like I said, like before,like these types of stories are interesting because
they're so far out. Yeah yeah, and because we oftentimes aren't around people
who are that obsessive or that weknow of, that we know of,
(51:42):
that we know of. But inany case, You is a really good
show. I've stopped watching it,but a lot of people like it.
I'm glad that it's going to bethe fifth and final season because it's it's
it's how many do I know?Like that dude was crazy, he left
the country and he liked he foundthat address for real. So anyway,
(52:04):
that's it for pop cultural diagnosis.We'll have another fun character to analyze next
week. If you have suggestions forfictional characters fictional, yes, not real
people out there that you want meto diagnose, hit me up on X
form me on this Twitter it's thedumbest name. I swear to god,
it's the dumbest name ever. Hitme up on X at doctor underscoring money
(52:24):
God Elon Musk is such an idiot. Hit meg up on Instagram at mex
scoop Yes, and email the showat Hello Eddy Mind, State of mind
dot com. And again, ifyou're enjoying the show, don't forget to
rate and review us on your favoritepodcast apps, and also be sure to
tell Elon Musk that his app isstupid and he's losing a gang of money.
And that's all I have to saybecause that X girl Okay, can
(52:46):
let me say it's on the realquay. Do you know why Tesla's are
named like S three X and Ybecause S three x Y is sexy?
Is that real? I swear togod you see you see him on ah
come about. Some people just havetoo much money, Megalo maniac. Anyway,
(53:06):
thanks for listening between Monnie's state ofMind, and thank you to Meg
as always for co hosting. Thanksfor having me, girl Yeah, and
we'll be back for an all newepisode next week. See Yeah.
Hey, everybody, welcome between Money'sstate of mind. I am doctor Emani
and I beg scoop. Yes,okay, So what's on everyone's mind?
What are we talking about? Iwanted to Okay, so this happened a
while back, but I never mentionedit, and I wanted to get your
take on this. So Mitch McConnellfor the second time, girl, girl,
(00:37):
he's a zombie. I don't evenhave to say. You know what
I'm gonna say. So it's beenreanimated. He keeps he keeps glitching,
right, So I don't know ifhe's a clone or whatever. Maybe he
put a new clote out of him. But here's what I want to ask
you is should there be a cutoff age for politicians? What is that
(00:57):
age? I mean, legit,the cut off should I'm I'm of the
mind that politicians should really be younger, like, like how young? I
mean if you can vote at eighteen, I would say, by like,
I would say that I'm fine withwith people being running for office at twenty
(01:19):
five, and I'm okay with themstopping at sixty five. I think that's
a good I think that's a goodage range. And sixty five is kind
of pushing it a bit for me, like, because the thing about it
is that when you have older politicians, they're more so thinking about like they're
just predisposed to think, to thinkthe way that they have been taught to
(01:42):
think. Right, But there's alsoa pro in that, because I feel
like there's some with experience sometimes comeslike there's just a mature experience that I
think benefits us with a sixty fiveyear old that I don't know that we
get with the twenty five year old. But there's a pro with a twenty
five year old, which is newideas, new thoughts exactly. Those aren't
(02:04):
always good, That's what I'm saying. I like the balance of a twenty
five year old and a sixty fiveyear old doing politics together. I can't.
I mean, I do too,But I also kind of feel like,
since there will be a range ofages, like somebody who's forty five,
somebody who's thirty five, I justfeel like sixty five by that point,
like you need to let it go. Yeah, I think I think
(02:25):
sixty five. Is it like we'replanning your retirement party this year? And
with this right and with the SupremeCourt, I'm like, if y'all don't,
okay, like you cannot die upthere. Whose idea was that to
have the Supreme Court on there forlife? I mean, I don't know
if it was the founding fathers ormaybe it was somebody who decided, like
in the seventeen hundred, eighteen hundreds, that's how it should be. But
(02:46):
also remember back then people was dyingat like thirty five. That's true,
you know, so like worst life. First of all, I don't ever
think I want a job for life. I don't even like something that I
love. I don't want to doit for life. Yeah, not forever.
And and also like I don't know, I just like I've been reading
(03:07):
more about Like I read an articlelast week about how they're they're these courses
that take place at Yale and Princetonand I think like at Oxford University in
England. And it's basically for peoplewho have been executives, let's say,
all their lives, and they they'reabout to hit retirement age or they're about
(03:29):
to hit retirement and so for ayear they pay like I mean, it's
a gang of money. They paygang of money and they take these courses
to learn like what am I goingto do right, Like what or what
what is going to be my newnormal after I retire from my job.
You get up, you go greetat Walmart? Shut up for all?
(03:51):
No, but a respectable job.Okayalar no, it is no. I
love the Walmart reatters. Do Idefinitely, I'm like, oh my god,
thank y'all. But at the sametime, I feel like it's it's
something that I've definitely seen, LikeI've definitely seen it in my mom,
Like she like we had a conversation. I was like, but you don't.
You don't work as a journalist nomore. And she was like,
(04:13):
yes, I do. And ina way she kind of does because she
still like is involved in the mix, but she's not actually, but she
doesn't do the job that she did. And I and a lot of I
think I think a lot of whatshe may be experiencing is the fact that
like when you have a job,especially like she's a baby boomer, like
(04:33):
they were taught to essentially like keepthe same job for keep the same job,
you bust your ass, you haveto you know, always be busy,
always be you know, always beclosing. And then once you hit
retirement, like how do you stopthat? Yeah, you know what I'm
saying personally, I'm looking forward todoing something different. It might still be
(04:55):
psychiatry, like I've really been gettinginterested in in nutritional psychiatry. Okay,
but like best believe, like whenit's time for me to retire, I'm
gonna be like, goodbye, I'mabout to go do whatever I want to
do, and which will probably meanmore of what I'm doing now as far
as like my free time. Yeah, but I'm just like, you can't
(05:16):
like when it comes to politics,I want fresh ideas. Yeah. I
just think at that point it's likeit doesn't mean your life is over.
I think you just move into thenext phase of your life, which is
probably to me at that age,probably consulting or teaching, because there's a
whole generation of people that need yourexperience. We just don't need you to
make any more allows Okay, butyou can teach younger people in college who
(05:40):
haven't yet run for office. Maybeyou teach them something new their age plus
your experience, right, you know, we need that. So I just
feel like consulting is the way togo once you hit sixty five, if
you still have more life to youand you're like, I'm not ready to
just sit down and do nothing andknit like I want to do more.
Then there's a bunch of people whocan learn from your experience. Go teach
(06:02):
right, go consults right. Theother exactly. The other issue that was
raised in that article that I readlast week about people close to retirement age
is that that course that obviously mostpeople can't afford, Like you take a
year off and you like take thesecourses at these prestigious universities. They essentially
(06:24):
introduce these people to like they're likethirty new friends because when yeah, because
when you when you work, youare used to like, Okay, I'm
sending an email, somebody's gonna replyyeah, and you think that you have
like two hundred like best friends.But then when you retire or you leave
your job, you like, ohmy god, Like whereas before people would
(06:45):
really like reply to my email,maybe like two people reply yeah, because
they're like, you don't even workin no more? Yeah, like like
what do you want? So yeah, I definitely got a better understanding of
what people go through when they weretire. But I'm also really into the
fact that teaching people that they're nottheir job right, like their identity is
(07:12):
not their job, and that theycan that they are like their own whole
person and they can find something elseto do and actually make money, whether
it be consulting or something else.Like some ofeman in the article said that
she was she was like an executivesomewhere, and she was like, yeah,
and I discovered through this course thatI wanted to write plays. So
now I've been writing plays and likeit's really like great dada. So so
(07:35):
yeah, because I feel like allof us have more than one gift,
right, Oh yeah, so it'sa perfect time to explore what else exactly?
Exactly? Yeah, Well, letme tell you this week, this
past week, or really over thepast like months, I discovered a new
TV show called Body and Abasement.Oh lord, girl, it's called Body
(07:56):
and Abasement. It's on Max.And I was like, is it like
an idea, like a like atrue crime show, Like oh gosh,
so sometimes. So it's called Bodyand Debasement. They have like five seasons
or something like two seasons or something, so they're coming out with new episodes.
Listen. I was. I washere in my house and I was
like this, Oh guy, Iwas so bored like there's nothing good on
(08:20):
TV and we're not gonna get anythinggood because of the writer strike, which
I'm totally in supportive. And thenHBO mass was like, Yo, you
want to watch your called Body inthe Basement. I was like, bitch,
yes I do. Okay, I'mlike, you laid it all out
for me. So sometimes your ownbody being your own basement, sometimes your
body being somebody else basement. Sometimesyour body be in a fridge in the
(08:43):
basement. Like it's so like,it is so good. So basically wait,
it's talking about like, oh,somebody was missing and then they found
them in the basement of someplace.Yep, it's crazy. It is crazy.
But I'm gonna tell you one thingabout body in the basement. Ohio.
Y'all got a lot of like it'salways oh my god, the sigments
(09:03):
in the water in both of thoseOhio is like Midwest Florida. It is
perfect description. They found. Okay, let me tell you real quick this
story. They found this girl,they found this woman and this was this
was the crazy thing on the show. They like, you know, they'd
be blowing stuff out on this oneparticular episode, this lady was found in
a freezer is somebody else's basement.They showed the foot, They showed the
(09:28):
leg, like the leg with icicleson it. I was like, oh
my god. They showed their handsbecause they had to thaw their hands out
and fingerprint that the hands and getfingerprints and find out who the lady was.
Girl, I was like, thisis the best show. I can't
do this. Yes, no,oh, Do I have a body in
my basement? I mean I don'thave a do do my neighbors have a
(09:50):
body in a basement? Let mecheck their houses? When I go like,
I just can't. I mean,I'd be going too far with it.
Okay, girl, when they showif I have a body in the
basement, like, really, it'smy house. You don't have no body
in debasement. That's what I'm saying. I got a deep freeze. I
had to go check my deep freezer. Does somebody put a body in a
girl? They showed that lady's likelegs crazy, I said both. I
was like, I was like,oh, I was like, I d
(10:13):
network oh y'all. Oh my god. So that's what I've been That's what
I've been getting into this past week. Body in the basement. So speaking
of bodies in the basement. I'mjust kidding. That was a terrible segue.
So today's deep dive is going tobe about sleep, Okay, I
need help. Sleep is something thatI know a lot about, obviously.
(10:37):
I well, not that you guysknow obviously, but I love to sleep.
I could go to sleep right now. But the bathing is, you
know, a lot of us havea lot of people have issues with insomnia.
Yeah, there's like primary insomnia,like if you if you have a
hard time falling asleep, then there'slike secondary insomnia if you have a hard
time staying asleep. And how manyof us have stayed up late studying,
(11:00):
binging TV, are working lane allthe time? Did you notice like that
you had a changing a mood ormental health after that like late night,
because you were saying that you werebasically you got up super early this morning.
I didn't even sleep, Yeah,girl, no, I think I
might have gotten an hour and ahalf of sleep exactly, and then got
on a plane. You know,it was in and out of sleep,
not really sleeping on the plane.How are you here? I don't even
(11:22):
know, girl, I feel likeI'm just I'm like a gut floating.
Yeah, I can't at this point, I can't. I can't live,
Like if I don't get like likeseven hours of sleep, it is y'all
don't even know I need to getback to that. But you know,
I also have little little kids.You do. Yeah, So I think
it'll get better. It'll get better, It'll get better, but like,
(11:43):
help, but listen. My asswould be sleep with my son. We
would be sleeping the same bed,and I remember like, and I would
be knocked out, and so therewas there was re persicula side where he
like slid off the bed like nextto the wall, and he was like
and I was like, oh no, the so I picked him up and
I had to put pillows against thewall because bro, when I'll be sleep,
(12:03):
I'll be sleep. I don't knowhow you do it. I feel
like when I became my mom,I used to be like I remember I
slept through an earthquake here and everybodywas like the next one. I was
like, oh my gosh, areyou okay. I was like there was
an earthquake thing, but was like, yes, it was like destruction outside.
I was like, oh okay.I used to sleep and then I
had kids. I cannot I canhear him. Yeah, yeah, because
you'd be like, are you breathing? Like when they're really small, I'm
like, I can't sleep deep anymore. I got to hold a mirror underneath.
(12:26):
I had held a mirror underneath theGreece's nose, like he looks so
peaceful, like is he breathing?Like, oh my god, what is
happening? So okay, So anyway, we're gonna talk about sleep and how
important sleep is and sleep deprivation andall those topics, and I really want
to discuss the role that sleep playsand bettering your mental health. So if
you are listening to this show,you are and you are looking for ways
(12:48):
to protect your peace and get yourmind right, then getting your rest is
a good place to start. AndI'm gonna talk all about it. We're
gonna talk all about it a littlebit later in the show. Okay.
So if you guys are loving theshow, please let us know by rating
the show on your favorite podcasts.Please. Okay, So let's get the
show started. It's time for AskDoctor Money. Any I love it?
(13:13):
Okay. So this is the partof the show where you can ask me
and Meg anything anything, and we'regonna give you our professional as sometimes I
mean really like not some professional advice. Can I say that Meg and I
really enjoy we love like I lovegetting these letters. I'm like, I
wonder if somebody made this up,but I don't think y'all are making this
upright, But in any case,even if you did, I'm still answer
(13:35):
it right. You guys really donot hold back and I love that.
So Meg, who is our firstletter from It comes from Angel hand Girl,
she rights doctor money and Meg.I've been with my boyfriend for a
year now, and what I loveabout him is his ability to communicate.
This is the longest relationship I've everbeen in. I finally found a man
who was doing the work to healhis childhood scars and improve his mental health,
(13:58):
so our relationship is really healthy.He even challenges me to address my
childhood trauma, and I'm working toheal and grow through this relationship. The
other day, we were talking aboutour past relationships and how they have shaped
who we are and our current relationship, and he dropped the bomb on me
that before me, he dated afew men in his past, but says
(14:18):
he's not buy or gay. Butthey were learning lessons that helped him lead
him to me. That was alot for me to take in, and
I asked him for some space fora while to think. Since I hit
pause on our relationship, he hasbeen telling our mutual friends I am judgmental
and not the real woman he thoughtI was, and it's questioning if we
are even a good match. Heis totally making me look like a bad
(14:41):
guy because I wanted some time toprocess what he told me. He says,
I am letting societal norms fuck upmy opportunity to be in a great
relationship. I don't want to beshamed into making a decision on how I
feel. I am also wondering ifI got played. Did he wait to
share this information until I had realfeelings for him? What should I do?
Do I love him or leave him? Okay, Angel, first of
(15:05):
all, I'm gonna say that it'snot I don't consider it a bad thing
that he waited to tell you thatthat he had been with men. And
the real thing to think about islike what if he didn't tell you?
Like would it like would it reallyimpact? Yeah? Everything? Right?
(15:28):
Like he's he's helping you to beable to communicate effectively and like work through
some past issues. I mean,just like with any other relationship, like
whoever the person that you're with,whoever they were with before you really just
isn't any of business, Like it'sjust yeah, it's not your business.
And because you guys have been communicatingreally effectively, I'm sure he felt like,
(15:52):
Okay, Like now I'm gonna tellher you said that your third year
a thirty eight year old excuse me. You say that he's upset and that
he feels that you're being kind ofjudgmental. I don't you know. I'm
not going to sit here and saythat you're judgmental, but I will say
that from the outside looking in,it definitely looks like you're being judgmental because
(16:15):
you were like, yo, Igotta take a break. Because if he
was like, oh, yeah,I've been with other chicks before, I
doubt that you would have been like, I need to take a break.
Everybody's journey is different. And althoughI've never been in a relationship with a
woman, I definitely can say thatall of my previous relationships with men have
led me to the place where I'mat now. Yeah, And I think
(16:37):
the question so I don't think she'swrong for saying she needs to take a
break. Okay, I don't thinkit's not to say I don't think she
should say she should take a break. I think she just wanted some time
to process. And I feel likeshe maybe should go back and talk to
him and say, hey, I'mnot saying what I'm not saying anything's bad
with you. I'm saying I needto take a minute to process obviously what
I thought right, my own societalissues, right, I need to take
(17:03):
a moment to get through this.So would you be kind enough to lend
me the space for that? BecauseI didn't even know this was something that
would ever pop up. So nowI'm having to challenge what I thought about
this because at the end of theday, you know, it's not about
we all haven't pass right, Sothe question isn't about like who that was
his past, you know? Sothe question now is can you deal with
(17:25):
that being his past? Now,if you're saying I don't know if I
want to be with this man becausehe may still be into men, and
that's something you're like, I can'tfulfill that, then that's a different story.
But it sounds like he's just intoyou. Girl, like, he
just wants to be with you,he loves you. You haven't said anything
negative or harmful or talksic about yourrelationship, which means it's the best relationship,
(17:47):
so you should pursue it and justsay that was his past. Yeah,
it's not something like he found hisway to me, right, and
that's that. Yeah, that's it. That's that, that's it. Yeah,
I completely agree. I mean,and it's hard I get it as
a woman to be like, waita minute, because there's insecurities that come
with that. She said she's healingher own childhood trauma, So what if
part of that is insecurity in general? And like, oh well, now
(18:12):
I have to add the layer.Are you like still intimate? So now
I have to be worried about likeare you gonna cheat on me with a
man or a woman? Like nowit's like I don't know what to do,
Like, Okay, that's something yougotta work through. Yeah, that's
something you gotta work though. Imean you could. I mean, given
that it sounds like you presume thathe was heterosexual. He's been heterosexual his
(18:33):
whole life, you know, whetherhe was with a guy or not.
Like it doesn't I mean it shouldn'treally matter, especially because you care so
much for this person and he obviouslycares as much for you. Yeah,
I think that a lot of what'shappening is just miscommunication. And I do
understand that he feels he feels likeyou kind of abandoned him. But that's
(18:56):
really where you can just come inand be like, look, I thought
one thing, like my bad,I'm you know, the victim of you
know, societal norms, and butI do still care for you, and
you know, I just wanted Ijust needed some space to make this work.
I would just implore you Angel tosay this like sooner rather than later.
Yeah, because you know, everyday the divide gets bigger deeper.
(19:18):
He probably feels like not supported byyou. Yeah, you know for something
that for him is probably truly inhis past. It feels like so it's
like why are you still because that'sthe same thing with like on the flip
side, there's men who you know, let's say you found out your your
lady, you know, got ranthrough right. Some guys can't deal with
that, and then you're not thepious version. I thought you were right,
(19:40):
So, but that's a personal preference. And if that's what you were
looking for then, and you wantto discount someone's wonderful qualities now, then
that's your choice, right, butyou have to be upfront about you do
have to be upfront about that.So I mean, I think she,
you know, takes some time tofeel like, do you are you do
love him for who he is toyou right, really is and who he
will be going forward based on whathe says about you know how y'all's interaction
(20:04):
has been, right, if you'reokay with that, then okay, well
it was in the past, honey, Okay, don't be don't be slanging
no penis to know other men now, Okay, it's just she with me,
okay, or other vaginas like yourpenis is my right, Like that's
really what it is. You justdon't. I think it's you just don't
want him to cheat, right,right, And the fact that it could
be a man he said he's not, he's by yeah, he's like,
(20:27):
it's just you know, you don'tyou don't ever know what people have gone
through in their past. So Ijust okay, it's in your past,
Okay, we cool, Like let'smove forward. Yeah, because everybody has
something, Yeah, I mean,you can take your space, but you
can also give him some grace,but you really need to like get at
him like today. Yeah. Andif you are a woman who's like,
(20:48):
okay, well once gay, alwaysguy, well then go ahead and move
on to us, because that's notthat's not fair. He leave him.
He seems like he's a wonderful manyet now, so let him be for
somebody else then, right, Yeah, and please, you have no idea
how many numbers of men are onthe deal and that they don't divulge.
So I would say, you know, be happy that he was honest with
(21:08):
you. Yeah. Yeah, Soanyway, angel, I hope that helped
you. Yes. Our next lettercomes from a listener by the name of
Ebony. She says, Dear doctore Moni and Meg, I am a
thirty eight year old mom and wife. Lately, my daughter has been into
finding out about our family's mental healthand physical history. By her asking questions,
(21:29):
it made me realize I know absolutelynothing about my family's health history.
When I asked my mom about ourfamily health history, she told me to
find something else to talk about.My mom comes from the era of nothing
is wrong, pray it away,and that's that how do I break her
from this way of thinking? Howdo I start a conversation about mental health
with my mom who doesn't believe inthe importance of prioritizing mental health or discussing
(21:53):
mental illness we may have in ourfamily. I do think it's important to
know our family's health history, andmy mom is the only one to give
me answers. Okay, Ebony,So I understand I know a lot of
folks, especially black folks, likethis, but here's what I would suggest
(22:15):
to you. So I can definitelysay that I'm really thankful that my mother
and my biological father have been reallyupfront, Like if I ask some questions,
like, you know, like anybodyin our family, got ca answer.
Anybody in our family, like haveany issues with like mental illness,
they'll tell me. Now. Also, I'm a psychiatrist, so I can
(22:37):
kind of I've kind of like figuredout who in my family has what.
But I would say that what youmight want to do, Ebany, is
if you don't, if you haven't, if you don't have a family tree
like all kind of filled out,you might want to start working on that.
Yeah, because that really allowed meto ask my dad, like my
(22:59):
biology dad, like who is thisperson? Where were they born? Did
you know anything about them? Andsometimes people will say things that are kind
of clues to help you figure outlike what what they may have been afflicted
with. So, first of all, you asked Emny like, how do
(23:22):
I get my mom to be moreopen? I don't think you really can,
Like your mom is you know,she feels like that's really nobody's business.
I don't want to talk about it, and that's that. But I
would definitely reach out to other familymembers. Yeah, there's likely going to
be somebody who will be able togive you some clues, if not just
outright telling you like, oh,well this person had this, and I
believe this person was like this,or even just asking them like, well,
(23:45):
how were how were they like personalitywise? Did they ever have to
go to a hospital? Was ita regular hospital? Was it like it's
like yeahder hospital, that type ofthing. So I would yeah, I
would just approach other family members andtry to get as much information as you
can. And everything you said somethingabout you. Your mom's the only person
(24:06):
you can ask, So I'm assumingmaybe there are no other family members that
you know of, which is whyit's important too. You know, you
can do one of the I mean, I'm not an advocate for one of
these, like ancestry like websites,but it may be helpful if you're suspecting
because it sounds like there's something youBecause most people don't say, oh,
like I want to know about themental illness in my family. Usually it
(24:27):
comes from because you feel like something'sgoing on right, you have some kind
of an inkling. So if that'sthe case, it may benefit you to
do one of these like ancestry typeof you know, fines and see who
else is in your family that youdon't know of, reach out to them,
maybe have a conversation. The otherthing I will say is maybe you
(24:48):
can talk to your mom in adifferent way. One thing that I because
my dad is from the same era, okay, and he is like no,
I realized I was the only personin my family and my dad has
like nine brothers into I was theonly person that would ask questions. And
I didn't realize I was the onlyI was like nobody everybody else saying asking
(25:08):
this too, you know. AndI was to see like my aunts and
our uncles just like kind of sitthere. Nobody want to talk about things,
I'm gonna be like, why arenobody talking about this? So they're
all kind of like I mean,and they didn't have an answer. They
were kind of just like, well, nobody ever said anything, so,
you know, And so I realizedI had to some of the things.
I had to frame in a differentway and explain why I was asking instead
(25:33):
of just asking a question out right, like Okay, for example, I
want to take a certain medication.Do we have this type of cancer in
our family? Right? Because thedoctors asked and I and my dad was
like, actually, I think thisperson and this person, this person they
had something like that, and Iwas like, like, what do you
mean? He didn't know. SoI had to go ask my aunt and
(25:53):
she she had more information. Soit was like, okay, sometimes if
you frame things differently, because nowI feel like if I just asked my
dad do we have cancer? Periodor question mark be like no, I
don't want to know they ain't wegood? But if I would, But
the fact that I was like,hey, I'm trying to take this medication
and I need to know if there'sa certain kind of thing in our family
because it could possibly cause us cancerand me blah blah blah, and then
(26:15):
he was like, oh okay,well, like you know X y Z.
And so sometimes if you frame itlike that, maybe if you you
know, grandparents love their grandchildren,maybe if you say, hey, mom,
like your granddaughter really wants to knowthese things because if we have a
history of cancer or mental illness,we want to get ahead of it now.
We don't want to have to waittill there's stage four cancer in our
(26:38):
family when we could have been doingstuff proactive. And sometimes when you frame
it that way, it's like,oh, well I don't want it to
happen my grand baby right exactly.It may it may help. Yeah,
I would just yeah, I meanjust along the lines of what men said,
I would. I would kind ofgo about asking it in different ways.
Yeah, so like, oh,mom, we're after you had me,
(27:00):
how did you feel? Like yeah, were you happy? Were you
depressed? Like, were you sadat all? Like? And then your
mom may be like, oh no, I was fine, but you know
your aunt, and now you kindof like build this, yeah, this
mental health history. I I whenI was actively dating, I would I
(27:21):
would do things like that. Yeah. I would be like oh so you
know, yeah, like as faras like mental health goes, how do
you feel about it? Like,oh, have you ever had to deal
with that? And then like theyyou know, you're on a date,
so people want to talk. Yeah, and then I would kind of like
form the family tree of the place. Yeah yeah, yeah, so that
so surreptitiously, That's what I woulddo. But yeah, I you know,
(27:45):
Ebony, I think it's just reallya matter of you have to just
ask it a little bit differently andjust really appeal to your mom's sense of
wanting to look out for her forher grandchild. Yeah, you know,
that's funny you bring that up.But I had the same situation with my
mom. She never really told meher story like she told me after,
you know, she'd moved to anew country with my father, she had
(28:06):
my brother, didn't speak English.Was in the middle of Idaho, Korean
woman, early eighties, and sheafter she had my brother, she just
felt all alone. And she saidthat was the roughest time in my marriage.
She said, I wasn't ready togo back to Korea. And I
was like what, tell like why? And it wasn't until I had my
son and went through postpartum depression andI was like, hey, let's revisit
(28:29):
that conversation, like how did youfeel during then? And so I realized,
oh, we have postpartum depression andher family this is why I felt
like that exactly, you know,and they didn't call it that, so
she didn't have the name for it. But when she described everything, you
know, how she felt, Iwas like, oh, this makes so
much sense for me. And soI didn't catch it with my son because
(28:51):
I just didn't ask the right questionsat the time. But when I'm a
daughter, then it was like,Okay, I can now be proactive.
I can go head like plan forthe doula, plan for this, and
it was so much better. Yeah. And so now like I'm grateful because
when my daughter has you know,if she has children, I can share
that with her and say, okay, these are things we gotta look out
for. Yeah, so much better. Yeah. Yeah, So I would
(29:11):
do that, Ebony. Yeah,I would just frame it differently for your
mom and hopefully hopefully that helps.So thank you Angel and thank you Ebany
for submitting your questions. I hopeyou were able to help, and please
let us know how it goes,and anybody else please keep your letters coming.
If you have a problem, aquestion, you want to get something
off your mind, off your heart, just hit us up, email us
(29:33):
at hello at imani state of minddot com. Yes, okay, doctor
Monty, let's switch gears and getinto our deep dive for today. So
I know firsthand that I don't geta good night's sleep and my mood is
(29:55):
just jacked up in the morning therest of the days. So talk to
me about how those things are closelyrelated, because Lord knows I need some
sleep. Okay, So look fora lot of people, will excuse me
for all people, sleep and mentalhealth are very closely linked. Yeah,
I will freely admit that for thisparticular segment, like when me and Meg
(30:18):
received the script, Like we'll goover it and stuff. This is not
anything I had to look up.I didn't have to like look up anything.
I didn't have to do any research, because I kid you, not
every patient, whether they're depressed,schizophrenic, bipolar, whatever. Every time
I see them, like as they'repsychiatrists, I'm like, how is your
sleep? And they'll be like it'sfine. I'm like, do you sleep
(30:41):
all night? Yeah? Do youhave interrupted sleep? Is it hard for
you to fall asleep because a lotof times there are so many like there's
so many symptoms that are related toinsomnia. So, for example, if
you don't sleep right, your brainand your body was not able to get
(31:02):
back to homeostasis, meaning that thehormones in your body weren't able to be
recalibrated, the neural transmitters in yourbrain weren't able to be like reuped,
so to speak. So if youdon't sleep a lot at night, you
will wake up the next day likeright, and that will lead to anxiety.
So if you have anxiety during theday, that means that you're at
(31:25):
a heightened sense of just being awareof your surroundings. And sometimes people are
a little bit hyper reactive to theirsurroundings, which means it is then likely
going to be difficult for you tofall asleep. So it's a it's a
cycle. So you can't sleep,you get anxious. Are you anxious?
You can't sleep, and you justkeep going and going and going. Yeah,
yeah, and this can be found. So I have depression, as
(31:47):
I've said numerous times, I havewhen I when I'm depressed, I have
what's called hypersomnia. So I sleeptoo much, so I escape. A
lot of people have insomnia, though, why when they're press and anxious?
Yeah, but but like, forexample, when I'm anxious, like if
I have a panic attack, it'salmost like it was so jarring to my
(32:09):
body that it leads me really fatigued, and I'll go to sleep, whereas
with most other people they're like,oh am I anxious, Like, oh,
I'm up. That's me right allthe time. I'll be up.
I can literally stay up without ablink of sleep. If I'm anxious about
something, you know, I cannot, Like I really cannot. I've always
been like that, to the pointwhere if I don't sleep very well the
(32:30):
next day, I'll start like trembling. Oh wow, it's weird. Yeah,
like it's well, it's kind ofweird. It's not really that weird.
But but and it's really just becausemy body didn't get enough time to
bring itself back to where it neededto be. Oh my gosh, that
makes me wonder how I can youknow how they say like, if you
don't get your eight hours of sleep, then you're like in the negative for
(32:51):
sleep. What is it called?Like you're not asleep surplus because you really
can't there's no spur like you endup in a sleep deficit. And I'm
gonna tell you right now, mysleep deficit is I don't think in this
lifetop I can recover from it.It is that bad because I've always never
been a good sleeper. And Irealized mine came from It came from early
(33:15):
on because I was forced to goto bed so early, and I rebelled
and was like, I'll never goto sleep early. What tie you go
to sleep at like eight thirty?But I was in like high school girl
because Deacon Thomas was not playing okay, he was like getting in this room
and got to bed. I rememberI remember being in like elementary school and
my friend like, you know,when the sun would like you would change
and do daylight savings, and thesun was out. I remember it being
(33:37):
like still wide out. Yes,Dee Thomas did not play with me,
and I would open the window andlike play like tell my friends like come
over here and let me play too. But then they would be like if
there was something I could participate inthrough my window, they would do that.
Yeah. And so as a result, that made me go, when
I get older, I'm never goingto sleep yea, And that really started
my cycle of bad sleep, andI didn't know and talk with the therapy
(33:59):
because now it's automatic, like evenif I'm tired at like ten pm,
I will not go to bed,really, I'll stay. I'll stay on
my couch and like I'll just sithere, like falling asleep here. But
then as soon as I get upto go to my bed, Oh,
now I'm up and I'm doing stuff. And I just refused to lay my
butt down and go to sleep.Oh, let me scroll, let's stuffing
on, amazig. I need toget Oh, I gotta do And I
(34:21):
realize now it's because like you're inthe back of my mind. Yes,
And and once I recognize what itwas, it was like, Okay,
now I can start to do better. But it is such a it's such
a bad habit at this age becauseI've been doing it for like the last
twenty five years. Yeah. Thatnow it's just kind of like, okay,
girl, y'all sleep deaf said,it's terrible. Let's start working at
it better. Girl. I'd beI'd be sleep. I'd be sleep,
(34:45):
like like when I go out oftown, like when me and Peter went
to Vegas a couple of weeks ago, I slept like I mean, it
sounds crazy, it sounds so good, just like I slept. No,
it just like like I slept tothe point where like I'm real sensitive to
coffee. But if I sleep enough, like if like, I'll wake up
and be like, oh my god, I'm so full of energy. We're
(35:07):
gonna like do everything I want todo today, which usually means I'm have
a lot of energy in the morning, but then as the day wears on,
I'm just like I'm tired, andplease I will take a nap.
I know y'all know that I willgo to say. But here's the thing.
So if you can't sleep right,you're likely gonna have anxiety the next
day, and that can kind oflead to an exacerbation of different different diagnoses.
(35:34):
So not sleeping is a hallmark ofbipolar disorder. It's also a hallmark
of depression. It can definitely leadto anxiety. PTSD or post traumatic stress
disorder is the best way to thinkof it. Is kind of like an
anxiety disorder because those people can theycan be hyperreactive to just any type of
(35:54):
stimuli. They can have flashbacks oflike a particular incident that led them to
have all these all this stress andlead them to having a PTSD and then
they can have nightmares, which isgoing to you know, in a lot
of instances disrupt your sleep. Sosleep plays a part into like everything,
(36:16):
like your mental health, your wholeness, like how your feel, like how
you feel on it on the dayto day. And although like there,
I've read some studies where doctor said, well, I have a patient with
severe insomnia and this person, youknow, the best that this person can
sleep, or the most this personcan sleep is like five hours. I'm
like, that ain't enough. I'llgive you an example. I have a
(36:37):
patient, it's like my average Okay, I'm a patient, and she kind
of sounds like she kind of soundslike what you were saying a little while
ago. And I'm like, I'mlike, okay, how much sleep did
you get last night? She's like, oh, I got three hours.
I'm like that's insane. Yeah,you have to go to sleep. And
I'm like, okay, so Iknow that you sleep a lot. I'm
(36:58):
excuse me. I know that youwork a lot, but when you get
home, why don't you just goto sleep? She's like, because I
feel like I spent so much timeat work that now I need to have
like my own personal time. Andso even if I'm tired, I'll stay
up and binge watch something and I'mlike, girl, go to sleep.
Yeah. I've talked to her abouthow black volks like we are entitled to
sleep, we are entitled to rest, but she's just like no, I
just She's like, I really needto just do me when I get home,
(37:22):
which I get I understand, butlike, man, I love sleep
so much, so it's a littledifficult for me imani to understand. But
as doctor Walker, I totally understandit because I'm like, even now,
I'm like, he's a five hours. I was like, God, these
at night five hours. I'll belike, ah, I'll just be like
(37:42):
that's how That's how I'm functioning rightnow. I'll know sleep. Yeah,
this is extreme, but I thinkbecause I've just never operated with much sleep.
I'm I literally sleep for like fivesix hours a night, And but
I realize I did have an eighthour sleep maybe like like a month ago
ago, which is great, andbecause before that, I don't I couldn't
(38:07):
tell you when the last year ateight hours of sleep, but I will
tell you the next day I feltlike a whole new person. You feel
like a person so much nicer.Right, So it does make a difference.
Okay, it makes a difference.It makes a difference. The one
thing that I talk about, Imean, outside of asking my patience every
time I see them, like howwould your sleep do you sleep on?
(38:30):
Is it interrupted? Like I mean, I sound like a broken record when
I'm seeing patients. But on topof that, one thing I talk about
in particular with patients that have issueswith sleep is sleep hygiene. So so
like, what what are the likewhat is your environment? Like are you
creating an optimal environment for sleep?You dirty when you sleep? He said
(38:53):
sleep hygiene and I was like,oh, I don't wash my legs.
I just let I just let aboutto say. I was like, I
sleep, I take a shot ifI got to sleep. Okay, my
sleep hygiene good. Okay, Sothat's not what that means. Okay,
what I mean. So it's like, it's the environment like optimal for you
to get sleep. So when Iwould say up until like maybe I don't
(39:15):
know, like maybe ten fifteen yearsago, like I didn't typically when I
had my own apartment, I didn'thave a TV in my room, like
my purpose. Yeah, and thatwas back when I was a resident.
Like I already wasn't getting enough sleep, especially if I was on call,
so I was just like I needblackout curtins. I don't want to be
(39:35):
in my room, you know.Also like don't drink caffeinated drinks after a
certain time. Yeah, I usuallytell people like, don't drink caffeinated drinks
after three PM. With some ofmy other patients who may have like incontinence
issues, I'll tell them like,yo, like your last sip of like
a drink or water or fluid,like make sure you don't drink anything after
(39:59):
seven p because then they'll get up, yeah and know the night and they'll
have to go to the bathroom.For a lot of them, they are
able to fall right back to sleep, but for some of them it'll take
like an hour to fall back asleep. And then you're just sitting there like,
oh, all these regrets that Ihave and all these things, and
like what do I need to dotomorrow, and it just your mind starts
going and night you can come backto sleep, yeah, yeah, because
(40:20):
because ultimately I do wake up earlyin the morning, but if I wake
up too early, like it's fourthirty. Then I'll just be like,
oh my god, I have somuch stuff to do today. And then
when I'm finally up, I'm like, oh, I was tripping. I
could totally do all this. Yeah, it's just this, like I just
need to be asleep until my eyespop open. So that's like, but
sleep hygiene is really important. Ohyeah, have a coolness of your room,
(40:44):
yeah, some people. Yeah,it's like when people get sleep studies,
they turn the temperature in the roomlike way down, so like what's
like sixty five? Oh my god. Yeah, they'll make it like super
cold. I know they'll make itsuper cold. But apparently that is helpful
towards promoting sleep. I don't althoughI just saw a study. If you're
above the age of fifty, thattemperature is now from like sixty eight to
(41:07):
seventy seven degrees And I was like, you, wow, seventy seven degrees
to go to sleep. But apparentlyit does something for older bodies where you're
I guess, I don't know,because it's harder to regulate your when you
get older something like that. Maybe. I mean, but I was like,
oh, this makes sense because myparents will make couto my house.
They're like, mine is at seventyone degrees okay, and they were just
like it's freezing in here. I'mlike what right? And here I am
(41:29):
like, okay, I'll bump itup to seventy two. Yeah, but
that's it. And now I realize, oh my gosh, I'm like killing
them. Okay, so let melet me bump it on up for them.
Yeah. But I mean, butthe main thing is sleep is really
important. Yea. And if youdon't get sleep, and I know a
number of you don't really get adequatesleep, you can expect to have anxiety,
you can expect to potentially develop depression, you can expect to weight gain.
(41:54):
That is probably why I can girl. Okay, So also your metaboli,
yes, basically right. You knowyour metabolism is influenced by sleep as
well. Yeah, so if you'renot sleeping very well, it can definitely
affect uh, the amount of weightthat you're carrying at extra chunk honey.
(42:15):
Okay, because I got it.Because I'm not sleeping, I got it.
Okay, I'll be sleep. I'mgonna be sleep, okay, sleep
yeah, sleep, yes? Yes? So so really, you know,
like like we've been talking about sleepis super important. It is make sure
that you get enough sleep. Andif you're having problems like basically sleeping on
(42:37):
your own, even after you're practicinggood sleep hygiene and all that other stuff,
like go see a doctor. YeahI'm not saying that that that person.
You know, you may not needa sleep aid like ambient or lunesta
or you know, something similar,but you may, you know, there
may be an underlying issue like amental illness that you can get treated and
that will help you sleep. Soso yeah, get your sleep on like
(43:00):
I do, like Meg doesn't.But they'll be like me, okay,
sleep skitty, Okay, you know, but you you won't get more sleep.
I am. I'm gonna you know, I'm trying to be more.
And I even told my husband.I was like, hey, help me
out here. I'm not I'm notgood at sleeping. Here's why, you
know. So he's been really likehelpful to be like, hey, it's
eleven pm, go to sleep.I bet, but I gotta do the
(43:22):
dishes. I gotta do this.And he'd be like, no, you
don't. You told me to remindyou. And I'm like, yes,
you're right correct, let me goright exactly. Let me go. Okay,
fine, right, we gotta bed. It's it's a challenge, but
I'm getting there. And my thinghas always been, like I was raised,
like you cannot leave dishes in thesink, right right, right,
but I sometimes I have to.I mean a lot of times I'm getting
better at that. I'm getting betterat like, Okay, what has to
(43:43):
be done right because a lot ofthings don't Heck you can. It may
make your next day a little bitchallenging, but what has to be done
tonight. That's washers are for.That's something. And usually it's not bad
money. It's not that bad,be honest, it's not that bad.
It's you know. Yeah. Soanyway, you guys, get your sleep
on, especially if you're a blackperson. You deserve some sleep, absolutely
(44:05):
sleep, and you are deserving ofsleep. So, yes, that's all
the time we have for today's deepdive conversations. Well, it's a good
time for us to switch gears toour favorite segment of the show, pop
culture Diagnosis. Okay, so let'sget right into our pop culture diagnosis for
(44:29):
this week. May can you giveour listeners a quick synopsis of the Netflix
show You and Who We are goingto diagnose today. Okay, Well You
is a very popular show on Netflixif you haven't seen it, and they
just announced it. They're gearing upfor their fifth and final season now.
The show is centered around a youngman named Joe. He's very charming,
(44:49):
he's little awkward, and his crushhas become something like of a more of
an obsession. He's a little yeah, but we would call a losh Yeah.
He's kind of soccer So with theuse of social media and the Internet,
he uses everything to get close towomen of his dreams. And then
he's going as far as we're movingpeople who stand in his way. So
doctor money Less, diagnose Joe.I have already I kind of already know
(45:14):
what you gonna psyche girl, becausewhat you said, hold on, sociopaths
are not charming. Psychopaths are charming. Yes, okay, I'm getting good
at this. Okay, So JoeJoe by Willin. Joe really loves this
like glass box. He likes toput the subjects of his stalking into these
(45:37):
glass boxes and like keep them inthere. But Joe is super charming.
I really did like the first season. I saw some of the second season,
but I think for me personally,it just began to get a little
bit formulaic. It does it feellike work, you like, this is
(46:00):
my patient, blah blah blah,start on. But it was more like,
okay, so first you meet thisperson and he's like, don't have
a crush on them, don't havea crush on them. And then he's
like, too, let I havea crush on you, and then I'm
gonna start stalking you through social mediaand all kinds of other things. And
so I liked the show. Iliked the switch up they kind of did
(46:22):
for season two where he was stalkinga woman but like she also had a
best friend who was a stalker yea, or really like I mean obsessed with
her, which is kind of thesame thing. The last season, Joe
is in London and he falls forthis woman and she's like, you know,
(46:43):
of the social elite and blah blahblah, and then you know,
he of course ends up you know, stalking her and all kinds of other
stuff. So Joe is at thevery least very narcissistic. He I mean,
you're, first of all, stalkingis illegal. You're not supposed to
stalk anybody. You're not supposed tobecome obsessed with anyone if that person,
(47:05):
if there's someone that you're really intoand they're not feeling you, then you
have to learn how to remove yourselffrom that person's you know, life,
and also remove that person from yourheadspace. Joe is really incapable of doing
this. There was a scene inepisode in season four where he he's he's
(47:27):
like throwing this woman into his glassbox, and he's like, I'm doing
this for your own good, whichis completely antithetical, right, Like,
if you're if you care about someone, like, if you truly care about
someone, and you're capable of showingthem like the right kind of love,
that is that is going to bereciprocated. In Joe's case, it isn't.
(47:49):
You don't need to tell someone I'mdoing this for your own good and
throwing them in like a glass boxwhere you're gonna like keep them for days,
clearly not for their own good.Yeah. So I mean Joe is
I'm obviously you know, like I'vesaid so many times before, I don't
know what's type of trauma Joe dealtwith when he was growing up, like
the character, but it was alot, yeah for him to just be
like stalking people and making boxes likeyou building glass boxes, like where you
(48:15):
go to for that. There's somethingthat you said, you said he is
incapable of like moving on when somebodydoesn't show him the same I guess affection.
Yeah, what is that when yousee that in patience? Like what
is what is that from? Likewhy don't they know? Like, okay,
well, I guess you don't likeme the way I like you trying
to move on. It can bedue to a number of factors. I
(48:37):
will definitely say that in my past, and I mean decades ago, like
if I really like somebody, Idid not stalk. I don't stalk,
and I've never stalked in he wasa stalker, but I would be like,
okay, well let me go onsocial media and like let me try
to find the address or let metry to know. I wasn't trying to
(48:59):
go there. I wasn't trying tobuy. That is like there's a degree
of stocking. Okay, there's Joetrying to You was on the other spectrum
of stocking, but you was onthe spectrum of stocking. I might have
been on the spectrum of stocking,but I never stalk I just want to
know what your address is for why? Because I wanted to see like where
they lived us. So I meanI wasn't I wasn't gonna go there.
(49:22):
I was not gonna go there.And let me just preface this by saying
that I was really depressed. Andwhen I get depressed, I get really
like focused on just things that Ican't change, and it's like why will
this person? Like why will thisperson? Really this was the real why
want this person that I completely didwrong? Like why won't they reciprocate like
(49:43):
my feelings, like, emoney,because you fucked up, that's why,
Like stop looking for their address,stop trying to find their new girlfriend on
social media, like calm down,so you know, Like so essentially I
was able to say, like,EMONI please stop. This is so stupid,
Like you're wasting your time and youcould be doing anything else right now.
Yeah, A lot of that comesfrom trauma. A lot of that
(50:04):
comes from just like the unknown,like oh, you say you got a
girlfriend now, like, let mego to you this was a long time
ago. Let me go to yourMySpace and see who this person is.
And then I'm gonna do like alike like how they do on cafish.
I'm gonna do like a reverse IMAsearch and see who this is. And
yeah, like it was a loyaltime ago, it was decades ago.
It was decades a doll Okay,I'm not like that now. Okay,
(50:27):
I'm glad. I'm glad you gotthe assistance United. Yeah, and I
and I didn't. I did notI did not stalk and I wasn't able
to get the address anyway. SoI just tomato tomato. Okay, I
wasn't no tomato tomato. I wasn'tstalk. But I also look, I
also never have locked anybody in aroom or a glass bot. No,
you're not Joe level. I'm notJoe level. I'm not. But I
(50:51):
mean people develop obsessions and compulsions,like I think kind of for Joe,
it's like he becomes obsessed with aparticular like woman, and then the compulsion
is the stalking. Like the compulsionis the behavior that reinforces the obsession.
Okay, Yeah, so he couldhave obsessive compulsive disorder with some narcissism and
(51:17):
also some antisocial traits. In theend, he's a psychopath. Congratulations,
everybody, I'm sure you probably figuredit. Out by now. But but
like I said, like before,like these types of stories are interesting because
they're so far out. Yeah yeah, and because we oftentimes aren't around people
who are that obsessive or that weknow of, that we know of,
(51:42):
that we know of. But inany case, You is a really good
show. I've stopped watching it,but a lot of people like it.
I'm glad that it's going to bethe fifth and final season because it's it's
it's how many do I know?Like that dude was crazy, he left
the country and he liked he foundthat address for real. So anyway,
(52:04):
that's it for pop cultural diagnosis.We'll have another fun character to analyze next
week. If you have suggestions forfictional characters fictional, yes, not real
people out there that you want meto diagnose, hit me up on X
form me on this Twitter it's thedumbest name. I swear to god,
it's the dumbest name ever. Hitme up on X at doctor underscoring money
(52:24):
God Elon Musk is such an idiot. Hit meg up on Instagram at mex
scoop Yes, and email the showat Hello Eddy Mind, State of mind
dot com. And again, ifyou're enjoying the show, don't forget to
rate and review us on your favoritepodcast apps, and also be sure to
tell Elon Musk that his app isstupid and he's losing a gang of money.
And that's all I have to saybecause that X girl Okay, can
(52:46):
let me say it's on the realquay. Do you know why Tesla's are
named like S three X and Ybecause S three x Y is sexy?
Is that real? I swear togod you see you see him on ah
come about. Some people just havetoo much money, Megalo maniac. Anyway,
(53:06):
thanks for listening between Monnie's state ofMind, and thank you to Meg
as always for co hosting. Thanksfor having me, girl Yeah, and
we'll be back for an all newepisode next week. See Yeah.
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