December 22, 2023 • 45 mins
Do you struggle with telling others 'no'? Maybe you’re having a hard time breaking up with someone during the holidays. Have you wondered if you have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)?
These are all valid concerns, and we have listener letters about them! Join Dr. Imani and Meg as they press rewind on some of the listener letters received for season 6.
We love reading your letters and having YOU be a part of the show. If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
These are all valid concerns, and we have listener letters about them! Join Dr. Imani and Meg as they press rewind on some of the listener letters received for season 6.
We love reading your letters and having YOU be a part of the show. If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
The best of the best. Heyeverybody, Happy holidays and welcome to Emney
State of Mind. I'm doctor Emaniand I'm Mex Scoop. Yeah. So,
look, we didn't want to leaveyou guys hanging. We know it's
the holiday season, so we're onvacation. Were our family and our friends
and our free time. Yes weare. We are enjoying Law and Order
SVU and just drinking some eggnog,some spike things. So we, like
(00:39):
we said, we didn't want toleave you guys hanging. So we hope
you enjoy this best of episodes,some of our best material yet, I
must say, I mean we dolike we be acting up. Really,
I mean I do. I'm reallythe culprit here. But yeah, yeah,
but I hope you guys like this. It's time for ass doctry money
(01:07):
anything. So Meg, who isour first letter from today? Well,
actually it's from page Hey girl,and she writes, this summer, I
think I have developed seasonal depression.I'm in my struggle season. I am
in between jobs, so my moneyisn't where it needs to be to do
what I want to do this summer. Now, I'm an extremely social person
who loves to socially drink and smoke, but due to my current bank account,
(01:30):
I am in the house. I'mnot a person who can just sit
in the house as I see myfriends outside, Ladies. If Fomo was
a person, it would be agirl. I've become a really moody,
sad, and borderline hater when myfriends call me to tell me there's summer
plans or adventures. My parents said, I just need to grow up and
this is part of adulting. Butthat advice isn't helping me with this inside
(01:52):
the house depression. The way thisjob search is going, I am going
to be in the house for awhile and need to shift this negative energy.
What are some things you think willhelp me get my mind right and
switch the mood I'm in. Okay, So Page, I love how you
put your glasses on for this second. Oh yeah no, I was like
I had right, Like, okay, so I'm being a professional now.
(02:15):
So okay, So Page, here'sthe thing. Why, Like I understand
that you ain't you know, youain't really flush with cash right now,
and you're trying to, you know, basically just page yourself. But why
why are you stuck in the houselike there's a lot of stuff you can
do for free. That is verytrue. You can just google steps to
(02:36):
do for free near me. Yeah, a bunch of cause guess since I've
done it. Okay, me too. It's there's there's so much stuff,
right, I'm like, girl,go outside, right? Who And also
like just just just to lay iton a little bit thicker page. I'm
sorry, but your parents are alsoright, like, there's gonna come times
(02:57):
in your life when you just gonnahave to say up for some shit.
You're gonna be like, right,everybody, it's not bat out season every
year, right, I don't know. Actually, pretty much everybody I know,
even the richest of the richest peoplethat I know, have had their
moments where they're like, yeah,I'm gonna have to say yeah, right
now, right, I have to, like, right, I gotta like
fall back a little bit. Imean, I will say that, yes,
(03:20):
I do smoke weed every day,but that's kind of like a newish
thing as far as like how muchmoney I have and what I can devote
to that. But yeah, therewere lots of times when I couldn't smoke
every day. Yeah I couldn't.I mean, but that and honestly,
that's when it's like, Okay,I'm gonna go kick it at my friend's
(03:43):
house, who I know has weed, and so I'm just gonna hope that
they smoke, or I'm just gonnago over to my friend's house and kick
it, like I guess I don'tknow where you live, Paige. And
I also understand that you said you'rea social person, but you can be
social in now, like, yeah, you can be social? What else
is crazy? Like because it soundsshe sounds a little bit younger. She
says she's her parents adulting. They'relike teaching her this. So I'm assuming
(04:05):
pages like early twenties, right,yeah, so if that's a case,
page like you can still go tothe club for free, like before eleven
o'clock. Okay, it's right,and you and the South girl, right,
you better sign up for the rsVP, get in there before let
it and then wait for your friendsto come. Right, your girl,
you're probably cute. Get some guysto buy you a drink like this is
(04:25):
like, yeah, this is brokegirl, one on one, right,
this is I've been there plenty,Okay, right, we ain't gonna pay
for nothing, you know, ridewith somebody to the club. Make sure
y'all get there free before eleven.There's so many things to do. Also,
you're also just i mean just againbrokeer one on one. You know,
you can go to the corner store, like okay, first of all,
(04:48):
where you can go to the cornerstore, you can get you some
little mini liquor bob yes a dollareach to yeah, and then you just
make your little drink and then youput them in your part. You going
to a club where they check yourpurse. There's these little things you can
get from like Spencers or whatever.You can order it on Amazon, I'm
sure. And they look like tampons. Say, you pour your shot in
(05:11):
there and you put it back inthe little it's like a it's like a
little plastic vial, but you putit in it's like a tampon cover and
you put in your purse. They'renot gonna know, they're gonna be like
tampon, right, and here youare with like five tampons and a girl
you're throwing shots back. Okay,you just pull it out the little tampon
cover and then it's it looks likea little what is it like a little
like an applicator, No, itdoesn't even look like it's literally just the
(05:34):
outside of it looks like a tampa, but when you pull it out,
it's like a plastic. It's this. I've seen them in the club already,
Like I've seen the bottle girls walkaround with these long, like skinny
plastic things with like the top onit, and they serve it there anyway,
So now you got it, looklike you got it from the club,
So right page. In any case, Okay, you you need to,
(05:55):
like literally you need to google freestuff that's near me and broke one
on or you know, go andfind the hashtag bro girl and be okay
with it not being your season.Okay, it's okay. This is your
season to build. And there's probablysome other things you can work on in
life if you're so concerned with everybodyelse doing their things, because maybe that's
a lesson you need to learn becauseit's not always going to be your turn,
(06:17):
and you have to learn to celebrateother people when it's their turn.
Yes, my friends are having ablast. I love it. I can't
do that right now, but Iwill. Like, that's the kind of
mindset you need, so exactly,Yeah, you gotta fix that, girl,
yeah. I mean, I thinkwith experience and with age, like
you'll learn that not everything is foryou. Like there's there's a season,
there's always a season, and likeMeg said, this is just not your
(06:40):
season. I went to I wentto these outlet stores earlier today because I
had to charge my car, andI was like, oh my god,
look at all this Blessiaga and Gucci, and it's it was cute, but
it was like, Emani, doyou need it? No, you don't,
you don't. I'm like, youhave that bag, you don't need
that bag. You don't need thoseshoes. I was like, ooh,
look those have been on Siaga sneakers, like those will be good. Those
(07:03):
would be so cute. And thenwhen they're like that'll be like four hundred
dollars, I'm gonna be like no, Like no, r right, It's
fine. I'll get some knockoffs offAmazon or something. I don't care.
But but anyway, Paige, Ithink at the very most, you're probably
suffering from what's called adjustment disorder,which is essentially things have changed and you
(07:23):
are having a hard time adjusting toit. I haven't heard anything in your
letter that specifically sounds like you're dealingwith clinical depression or seasonal depression. Yeah,
but it's summertime, so she's tryingto say, girl, you know
you just broke for right now youneed to be okay with That's all right.
(07:44):
I'm not going shopping because I havestuff I have to pay for.
I don't need more stuff. Soit's fine, Paige, You're gonna be
okay. You will be okay.You can be okay and let us know
what fun free things and what niftytricks you have come up with to have
a good time, because you reallythere's so much I know you should be
out here, like like celebrating yourself. So do that, yes, yay,
(08:05):
okay, Dear doctor Remone and Meg, I need your help. I
am a people pleaser. I sayit's to everything, even when I know
I need to say no. Iwill over extend myself to help others,
all because I don't know how tosay no. Doctor YOURMII, I know
you're good at saying no. Howdo you do that? I want to
stop being a people pleaser, butI don't know how. My husband says,
(08:28):
I'm always doing way too much foreveryone. I am just exhausted being
everything to everyone. But I literallycan't say no to anyone. I will
double and triple book myself for eventsand friend celebrations because I can't say no.
I'm worried I'm going to burn myselfout every time I say yes when
I want to say no. Iam so upset with myself. I have
(08:48):
no idea why a two letter wordis so hard for me to use.
Please help okay, signed Megan,because I'm a people pleaser, so hope,
okay help me. So I hadwrote this in but it really says
Sean. Okay. So Sean,here's the thing. You you know what
the issue is, you know whatthe solution is. But what's getting in
(09:11):
the way is that you have thisguilt that you'll let someone down or so
there's this guilt, but then there'salso it's like you're guilty because you feel
like you might might let someone down, and then you're also left with this
feeling of like, oh my god, I'm so overwhelmed. Ye, so
you got to be true to yourself, Like, so, how is it
(09:35):
easy for me to say no?Aside from the fact that I've had lots
of practice and people that I've grownup around are fabulous. Is saying no.
I really, my mom and mydad are perfect, are great at
saying no. A lot of itis that you I'm not going to sit
here and say, hey, Sean, just start doing it. Just start
saying no to everybody, because you'restill going to carry around that guilt.
(09:58):
I feel like whatever the issue thatyou're having is with like saying no to
people is somehow related to something thathappened in your past, where like you
were let down and you don't wantsomebody else to feel the same way,
or you know, I don't know, I'm just kind of hypothesizing, but
(10:18):
whatever it is, you need toget to the bottom of it. And
how do you get to the bottomof that. You go to therapy,
therapy. You go to therapy,Yes, and you need to essentially go
to go to therapy, talk toyour therapist about like I need to change
this behavior. What is it rootedin? Yeah, yeah, that's that's
like. Actually, that's how Istarted to become better at this because I've
(10:39):
always been a people pleaser. I'vealways been like, yes, I'll do
that, Yes, I'll help you, no, and goodwill. I don't
have the time where I don't havethe mental capacity, but I'll still say
yes, mm hmm. And solike when in therapy, I learned like
the root why I was doing thisand why I needed to like help get
help for it. But basically likeI never had boundaries. I was never
(11:00):
good with boundaries because I grew upfrom people who just said yes to everything.
My parents are that kind of wayas well. So just like you
said, you grew up with peoplewho said no, it's easier for you
because you were and I was theopposite. My parents said yes to everybody,
will help everyone, and so itwas just like that's overwhelming and that's
not realistic. And so at thisbig age, I'm like learning to say
(11:20):
no to things. And what happensis when someone there's this initial feeling as
soon as someone asked you to dosomething, you know in a split second
whether you really want to do itor yeah, don't. And so what
happens is now in that split secondwhen I know for sure do I really
want to do this or I reallydon't want to do this, but I
feel obligated to, Like in thatmoment, it's like, Okay, I've
(11:43):
learned. I have to have aconversation with myself, right because as soon
as soon as I see the ask, I'm like yes, and that means
I shouldn't do it right, andso I have to go, Okay,
Megan, why are you trying tosay yes? Besides your guiltiness? Like
what else are you? Why areyou saying yes? Because you don't have
(12:05):
the time for this? You don'thave this? Is there anything else you
can suggest? Because you feel likeyou still want to help and you still
want to save the day, Sowhat else can you suggest? That is
a compromise? Maybe for what they'reasking? What you can give a number
one? Number two? If thereis no compromise, Like what's gonna happen?
If you say no, You're gonnahave more time and usually you'll feel
(12:26):
better. Right, But usually whenyou your people please, you think about
the other person first, So you'relike, what happens with them? Okay?
If I say no, they're askingme to do this? Is there
somebody else that can help them?Is right? Like I have to literally
go through the scenario like ugh,I'm just but right, but maybe somebody
else can help them? Be okay? Something right? Like I have to
literally go through that and then I'mlike okay, it's fun. We respond
(12:50):
no, I can't help you thistime, and then and then also learning
that no period is a complete sentencebecause to me, it's always no.
But here's why, and I'm like, I'm in the process of learning,
like I don't have to give thema reason. I just be like you,
I can't do it. No,I can't, and that's okay.
Yeah, that's okay. Yeah.I literally like you should see my text.
(13:11):
I'll be like no, but here'sblubblah and I'm like, no,
delete delete delete. Yes, it'sokay to say no. It's okay to
say no and keep it moving,right, because unlike Meg, I am
not I guess thinking of other people. I'm very selfish and I'm just like
no, sorry, right, No, I can't. So really with most
(13:31):
things my answer is no unless it'slike food or like marijuana. I'm just
kidding. So so, yeah,thank you so much for that letter.
I hope, yeah, hopefully,Sean, that helped you, all,
(13:52):
right, y'all. Our next lettercomes from Mercedes. Hey, yourl Hey,
She says, doctor YOUMANI and MegI think my husband is cheating,
but now I'm second and gets tomyself. He's been coming home late,
locking his phone and the work tripshave increased. When I bought it up
to him, he completely shut medown and said I was acting crazy and
paranoid. Recently, my son's bestfriend, who works at a hotel,
(14:13):
spotted my husband coming out of aroom with a much younger woman. After
I stopped crying my eyes out,I was angry. I called him at
work and cursed his ass out forplaying me for a fool. He said,
I need to see someone for mylow self esteem issues, because that
is what has to be the issuefor my scary ass to call his job
with this bullshit. I have hadlow self esteem issues in my younger days,
(14:37):
but I absolutely think he is cheatingand he's using my personal issues to
deflect. I'm distraught. I don'twant my marriage to be over and think
we can work through this, buthe has to admit to it first.
Am I tripping or is he tripping? I am crying as I write this.
Help. Okay, I'm sorry you'recrying. I know, I'm sorry.
(14:58):
It's always sad for me to ifyou're a black and I, but
for black families to break up itmakes me sad. I mean, no
matter what the issues are, sometimesI gotta break up. Yeah I was.
I mean I feel that sentiment,but like, but I actually you
need to break up with I thinkwhat I'm reading this like you already know?
Yeah, Like I think you alreadyknow, Mercedes, what's going on,
and you're just trying to like you'regrasping for straws here. But his
(15:22):
girl and your son's friend, that'sthe that's embarrassing. My son's friend had
to come and tell me. Notonly does my like my son's friend,
No, my son knows obviously,like and also we're gonna chat about this
a little later in the show.But your husband is terrible at gaslighting,
right, he is awful? Likethat is the worst example of gaslighting,
(15:45):
I think, Like I've like becauseif if it were a situation where he
hadn't been caught and he was like, girl, you're tripping, then that's
effective gaslighting. But if you arecaught coming out of a room with another
woman, with the other things thatyou've done, like locking your phone,
you coming back home late, yougot more work trips quote unquote, that's
(16:08):
no longer gaslighting. Like you gotbusted. Like now you just lie into
my face and you think I'm stupidlike also a Mercedes, girl, don't
cry, but you need to likethat same energy that you use to curse
him out at work, you needto keep that energy and you and listen,
we all deal with issues with ourself esteem from time to time,
(16:30):
but this is not one of thosetimes where you need to doubt yourself.
Like your man cheated on you.He played you to your face. Yeah,
and it has nothing to do withyou at none. Is like those
are actions he just tried for girl, And I'm sorry because it's gonna take
some time for you to entangle allof this. And like, you know,
it's hard when you know that you'remaking the right decision, but you
(16:52):
still have to tease your emotions likeaway from the person because you have to.
Like, like when you're in arelationship, you it's fun when you
get to the point where you're bothon the same page because you're making plans.
You can like look forward to certainthings that you've you know that you've
planned or you guys are going todo and now you can't do that.
(17:14):
But this is actually a blessing indisguise for you, Mercedes. So I
mean, look, your man endedthis relationship all by himself. Like you
didn't have to really do anything,so count that as a blessing. You
know, leave and don't look back, like, don't doubt yourself. Thank
you for writing in, but youbasically laid it out for us. Yeah,
(17:37):
and I think listen to the restof this episodecause we're going to talk
about gaslighting and that's what that mandid to you, Okay. He trying
to make it seem like, likeyou said, it's your low self esteem
that you're you're saying it's has nothingto do with me, when it's likeeter
like you sound stupid. Yeah,and at the end of the day,
like you know, I know you'resad and you don't want your marriage to
be over, but a marriage istwo people. So if he's not willing
(18:00):
to work through, go to counseling, try to you know, obviously either
he got it. First of all, he has to change how he talks
to you, like that was notokay, right, Like you need to
change your entire tone and you're hirenot loving. Yeah, So I mean,
if he's not willing to work onit, it's really nothing you could
do, you know what I mean. If he's just out here and then
that's not safe either. He's inhotel rooms with women. He could bring
(18:23):
you back diseases that can mess upyour whole reproductive system, Like, that's
not okay, that's not okay,mess up your pH balance. Girl,
you don't need that at all.You don't need it. And there's and
worse right right, So I'm sorry, Mercedes, I'm sorry too. Yeah,
sorry, Girna, let him go. Dear doctor Emani and Meg.
I find myself in a chaotic workenvironment, and it's become increasingly clear that
(18:45):
we need our leadership to step upand be true leaders. The chaos at
our workplace seems to have reached newheights. Projects are constantly behind scheduled.
Communication is a mess, and itfeels like we're constantly putting out fires rather
than making any real progress. It'saffecting morale, productivity, and our overall
job satisfaction. What's frustrating is thatI believe we have a team with great
(19:07):
potential. We have talented and dedicatedindividuals who really do care about the work
we do. However, without strongleadership, that feels like we're in a
constant storm, lacking direction and guidance. My day to day work is absolutely
draining me mentally. I am tothe point I am ready to quit with
no job or savings lined up.What advice would you give me and my
(19:29):
employees to address our leadership team andour need for them to step up and
actually lead? So, Mike,uh, honestly, you need to have
a conversation with them like they're feeling, you know, but like, how
can we please set a meeting becausethere are some things that we'd like to
discuss, as you know, we'dlike there are things we'd like this,
(19:52):
there are things that we specifically wouldlike to discuss with the leadership team.
No, what if they say no? First I was like, oh my
god, I want if they sayno, They're like, no, that's
okay. Think so well, well, first of all, this is what
I would say to Micah, keepit vague. There are things there are
(20:12):
some things we'd like to discuss withthe leadership team. We will discuss more
of that. When like why theygonna say no? What comes shouldes that?
I mean she said they oh theytripping? Maybe they just say no.
I mean if they if they sayno, then I'll be like,
Okay. First of all, Micah, I'm guessing that you probably already have
some feelers out. I would Iwould think that you might, you might
(20:34):
start need to start circulating your resume. Yeah, because if it's that bad,
I don't know if they're really arethey really gonna change if you come
to them and say we hate it, you well, it's on record,
right, So it's so half halfthe battle. When I mean, I'm
I'm in a leadership position at myjob, but I still answer to to
(20:55):
someone. I still answer to theCEO. There are times when it's just
good to have a meeting to justdocument what the response is because then if
they're like no, then you canjust say, okay, well on this
time, at you know, onthis date, at this time, we
had a meeting and the response wasnot very it wasn't very helpful. Leadership
(21:18):
was not particularly wanting to actually listento our input and what we need.
And then when it's time for youto quit, you know, you can
get into that. What if theleadership that she's referring to is like the
CEO, like I mean, thefounder CEO the top of the top,
I would still suggest that you tellthat person that because they may I mean,
(21:41):
they're just they're on like cruise controlthey don't know. Okay, you
know what I'm saying. It's alwaysnice when you are working for someone and
they have great leadership qualities, butsometimes, I mean everybody, everybody could
benefit from criticism. And it's notlike, oh you suck, it's more
like, okay, so and withthis given project, we were having problems
(22:03):
with this, and I think inthe future it would be more helpful if
so. When I when I havegone into meetings like this, and even
like okay, like I kind ofhad to recently fire somebody, so I
didn't go into it with emotion.I just went into it with facts.
You have to yeah, right,so it's like boom, I don't want
to hear about anything else about howyou feel or like. This isn't about
(22:26):
feelings, this is about facts,like this is this is what the problem
is. Yeah, and if youcan either choose to address it or not.
And if you choose to not,I'm not saying say this to them,
but if you if they choose notto address it, then you know
what your next course of action shouldbe, which is to believe. And
if they say she doesn't have anylike job, any backup, but she
(22:47):
well you gotta I mean, yougotta you gotta get your resume out there,
girl, I would say start doingthat now. Yeah, like and
foremost, like, get your resume. Let's start pushing it out there before
you have this meeting, because there'sno telling what happens after this. Yeah,
exactly. And what I was youjust reminded me what I was gonna
say, is that when I gointo these meetings, I go into these
meetings with my solution already, likein mot like, here's the issue,
(23:11):
this is how I feel we couldrectify it. Yeah, and this is
what I believe the solution could be. What do you think? Yeah,
you know, like I kind ofgo into it like I'm running the meeting,
because if you leave it up toleader, these particular people who are
in a leadership position, they clearlydon't know what they're doing. Yeah,
so you have to show them theway. Yeah. And honestly, Micah,
(23:33):
if it's like that, maybe youshould go for a leadership position someone
else, or maybe you should justpost everybody and leave you to go be
consulting somewhere. Yeah, exactly,like they're there. Don't limit yourself and
don't limit yourself to this job.I mean, I would say you gave
really good advice. I don't haveno good advice for this except possibly whatever
you write in that meeting or youhave as far as like, here's the
(23:55):
issues, here's the solution. Needsto be very detailed, and it needs
to be very like fact to actualand like not like I didn't like it.
How when you said no, veryfactual. We weren't able to get
this done because this is and thiswas out of order. As a result,
profitability went down. Blah blah blah, Like you need to be very
detailed in that kind of way forthem to be like, Okay, she's
(24:18):
making sense and not just to wedon't like your leadership style. You need
to change right exactly so you wantyou want quantitative data, not really qualitative.
Yeah. Yeah. In the meantime, circle your resume around yeah,
girl, like get it, getit out there. Also, I don't
know what line of work you workin, mic Ah, but there's always
(24:40):
remote jobs. There's so many remotejobs right now, so you know you
might need to get your remote one. There you go if you haven't already.
So, okay, we have anotherletter. It comes from Courtney,
and here's what Courtney had to say. Dear doctor EYMANI and Meg, I
(25:03):
hope you're ready for a letter that'smore awkward than a penguin trying to take
go. So here goes. I'verecently found myself in a bit of a
pickle. My best friend, let'scall her Susie. You said, ain't
this guy, we'll call him Mark. Well, one wild night, I
found myself sharing an uber and onething led to another, and now Mark
and I are acquaintances in a wayI never imagined. Here's the kicker.
(25:27):
I haven't told Susie about this littlerendezvous because I'm not entirely sure how she'd
react. She's in a new relationshipand we've always had that girl's before guys
rule, and I know she'd behurt or mad if she found out.
But ladies, it was just aone time thing, and it doesn't mean
anything, right. I'm torn betweenfussing up and potentially damaging our friendship or
(25:47):
taking this secret to the grave andliving with the guilt. Help me,
I'm caught in a sitcom worthy dilemmahere. Okay, wait, there's something
missing here. Yeah, I'm like, because she says Susie used to date
Mark, and then Courtney her bestfriend. And then she said that one
(26:08):
wild night, I found myself sharingan uber and one thing led to another,
and now Mark and I are equation. Like what happened between who's Susie
and Mark are? And now y'allhave this? Like where was y'all even
at? What was y'all doing?Like did you have one sex with Susie?
Like no, no, no,she's saying. So Courtney is saying
her best friend is Susie. Susanused to date Mark, so something happened,
(26:32):
one thing led to another, Courtneyand Mark got in the uber together,
then they had Well that's what I'msaying. I mean, yes,
I do understand, Like, ohmy god, you ended up having sex
with Susie's ex, right, Iwould assume yeah, because it was one
of those like yeah before guys.Yeah, but if it was a one
night stand, like I mean,I'm not saying that I wouldn't tell your
(26:57):
friends, but I don't know,I don't I don't know. Well,
maybe I'm putting this was her bestfriend. If it was like an acquaintance,
that's one thing, But if itshowed bestie, I mean, I
don't know me and my best friendwe did we've we've dated the same guy,
not at the same time, right, And I think so, I
(27:18):
think there's context that's missing here.Ay. How long were Susie and Mark
together? Was this like the loveof her life? Right? Or was
it just somebody she dated for alittle bit and then they were done?
How soon after they were done didthis happen? Because all that makes a
difference. If it was like yearslater, I don't know whatever, But
if it was like a month later, yeah, a week later? Yeah?
(27:41):
Okay, all right, now Iunderstand a little bit better because this
kind of happened to me once inhigh school. I have a really good
friend and she had a boyfriend.But she was like, I mean,
we were sixteen. She was likeseeing this other guy on the side,
and she had stopped seeing this otherguy. And so me and this other
guy, let's call him Eric.That might even be his real name.
(28:03):
I don't remember his last name.I don't know. Like this was girl,
this was like ninety two, Okay, Like we dated briefly, and
I remember, what did your friendknow at the time? I asked,
so, I asked her, Okay, this is so, this is what
happened, I asked her. Iwas like, yo, Eric is interested
in me. You're with your boyfriends. Would you have a problem with it?
(28:30):
And she was like, no,girl, go and do what you
gotta do. And I was like, okay, but I asked her,
but yeah, but she was lying, oh right, And so we didn't
speak for years after that, andthen you know, like we all older
now and grown and shit, likeI've seen her when we went to New
York, when me and Peter wentto New York. But but I mean
(28:52):
I did apologize to her. Iwas like, listen, even though I
did ask you and you said itwas okay. She was like, no,
really, it was on me becauseI said, just said how it
felt. Yeah. Yeah. SoI mean I understand Courtney's dilemma. But
at the same time, I'm like, do you have to tell your friend?
Well, if it's your friend,you got to tell your best friend?
(29:15):
Well, if you just hooked upwith him once. I mean,
but that's what I'm saying. Whywouldn't you tell your best friend? I
don't know, that's a bigger question. Why what about this situation makes you
say I wouldn't. She said she'safraid of how her friend would react,
which leads me to believe there wassome shadiness going on, meaning either this
is a guy that your friend seriouslyliked, or you did this right after
(29:40):
they broke up and it was alittle too soon, or the friend is
like super emotional, like Carl Thomaslevels of emotional. But yeah, but
why would your friend be emotional unlessbecause her friend is Karl Thomas. That's
why. Like he's like, I'msaying, but do you really but if
you have a new man and you'vemoved on and you're happy, would you
still be a emotional about something that'spassed? I mean, I less it
(30:03):
was somebody that you were in lovewith, right unless I mean it's like,
I guess what we need to knowCourtney is Susie, Like, is
Susie pining for this guy? Idon't like, did you leave that out?
I don't know. I don't knowthe seriousness of Susie and Mark's previous
relationship. I don't think it's that. I think I don't know if she's
still pine because she said Susie's movedon. I mean, but then why
(30:26):
would Susie really care like that?I would I would care, Okay,
if my best again, if Iwas in love with this dude. That's
what I'm saying, and this happened, I wouldn't stop being friends with her
if I would have moved on,But I'd be like, Yo, that's
messed up, Like why would youdo that? And you knew how I
felt about this dude like that wasthat's messed up. That's that'd be number
one or number two. I wouldbe upset if it was, like you
(30:47):
knew how I felt about this guyand then this because nothing just happens.
No, no, you see whatI'm saying. Nothing just there's not enough
alcohol in the world. You there'salways something you were getting yuling you,
there's always So how did you getinto uber with this man? Where was
all at that you were partying thismuch? Were you drunk or were completely
(31:08):
sober? Because even when you're drunk, like I ain't gonna sit here like
my best friend, yeah, andI have a like we have a you
know girls before guys like code aswell. Like I don't know, but
sometimes when people get drunk, likethey like what I'm saying. Sometimes when
people get drunk, like they getblackout drunk and they be doing shit.
(31:30):
So is that what it was?That's what I'm saying, I don't know,
like we have Okay, Courtney,write us back, okay, because
we need more. We need morein fall. So so this is gonna
be the first time probably that likewe can't really answer your question. Well,
here's what I would say, right, men, answer your question regardless.
You need to tell your friend,tell your money, to accept whatever
blowback comes from that. And thereason I say that is because if this
(31:52):
is your best friend, this isthe one person and I'm thinking of just
about how my relationship is with mybest friend. This is the one person
I don't had anything from. Yeah, exactly, And if y'all are really
truly friends, you will get throughanything, including this. Now, if
your friend is gonna be mad atyou and say, like, she does
have a right to be mad atyou if this was somebody that was very
special to her and you did someshady stuff and you didn't you know,
(32:15):
But if she's really your friend,she gonna and she's moved on to be
like, Okay, fine, Iwas mad at I'm mad at you.
That's fed up, but eventually,like I'll talk to you again. It's
a big yeah, you should tellyour friend. I mean, I wouldn't
care. Would you tell your friendyour best friend if this was a situation,
I would tell her. But also, I don't know if I get
into this type of situation, Likeonce I know that, like my best
(32:36):
friend is like interested in somebody orhaving sex with somebody, that man is
my brother. Yeah right, it'slike look at my brother, right,
it's a ken doll down there,Like I don't care. I don't like,
I don't, I don't care.It doesn't matter to me. So
yeah, I mean, Courtney,I need some more information, like we
need some more information. Yeah,because and then that would make me feel
(32:58):
some kind of way because it waslike one, wait a minute, was
you looking at him like that thewhole the whole time I'm telling you about
my feelings about this dude, areyou secretly like popping? Like yes,
I don't know, So I wouldbe mad for a while. But if
it's my best friend, because Iknow her and we've been friends for years,
I would know that the intention,Like if she's like it was just
on one night saying I'm so sorry, like then I'd be like, okay,
(33:19):
whatever, Yeah, I wouldn't.I mean, I wouldn't trip.
Plus i'd probably be like, well, if you really have sex with him,
telling me like, you know whichway his penis beers towards so so
And if she can't remember, thenshe was she was either too drunk or
too like high and fucked up orit was whack, and then we can
giggle about how wacky is in bed, Like I just like, I'm not
(33:40):
really tripping that is, That's whatI'm saying. So I feel like you
can talk about it late right orleft which way? But you trick question
it, don't. So so letme day what that thing that? Yes,
(34:01):
Oh my god, let me smellyour jack. That's I'm so glad.
Bes Well, actually no, I'mnot, because I really kind of
miss bet me too. Then Churchcame on. There were so many good
songs. Oh my god, rememberto this day. Oh my god.
Anyway, Courtney, I need somemore info. So if you're hearing this,
Courtney, if you're listening, letus know. Really I want to
(34:22):
know, dear doctor Eemony and Meg. I've been in a relationship with my
boyfriend for a while now, andwhile there have been some wonderful moments,
I've come to the painful realization thatis time for us to part ways.
However, my heart is heavy withhesitation because of the time of year.
I love him, but I amno longer in love with him. The
(34:45):
thought of breaking up with him duringthe holidays feels incredibly cruel. The last
thing I want to do is makehim sad during a time that's supposed to
be filled with joy and togetherness.I feel kind of obligated to spare his
feelings and stay with him through theholidays. I can't and don't want to
get into the new year as acouple because I believe that our relationship has
run its course and it's not fairto either of us to continue down a
(35:07):
path that no longer makes us happy. I just don't know a good time
to sit him down to call itquits. His mom has been hinting that
a proposal is on the horizon,and I absolutely don't want him to get
down on that bent ney this holidayseason. Like if he does, I
know I would say yes to sparehis feelings. I don't want to give
(35:28):
him false hope by delaying the inevitable. But how do I navigate this tricky
situation with sensitivity and respect? Okay, so, dot, Here's what I
would say if your relationship has runits course, and you think that this
man might possibly propose to you.Girl, It don't matter what time of
the year it is. In fact, I'll use myself as an example.
(35:51):
I broke up with my ex husbandon our anniversary what and I believe I
think our anniversary. I think itwas like November two. I really don't
remember now because it's yes, becauseI'm petty and he was being just super
stupid and I was like, youknow what, I'm done with this shit.
(36:12):
Yeah, oh my god, Yeah, I mean no, he knew
you were serious. No, youknew I was serious like this. And
I did it over the phone becausehe was out of town, because I
was like, I'm done, LikeI'm tired, like you're using me and
this is stupid and I don't wantto be a part of this anymore.
Yeah. So, whether it's theholidays or not, I mean, dot,
if you you if you love thisman, like you have loved him,
(36:37):
but but the in love, theromantic part is gone, Like tell
him now, because I've never seena Hallmark movie, but apparently on all
these Hallmark movies for Christmas, likeyou can find love all over the place.
So just yeah, break up withyour break up with dude, and
then you know what, like something, I'm sure some someone will come along.
(36:59):
Yeah, because especially if you saidyou you've loved him and he seems
like he's a good guy, youdidn't mention anything about him doing anything wrong
to you, then you can't continuethe charade. And I think it's better
that he goes into the holidays withoutyou, yeah, you know, because
then that's like you're looking out forhim. And I think the way to
I guess talk to him about thatis just being honest. Yeah, And
(37:22):
I feel like you need to probablyspend some time with yourself as to why
you're trying to spare someone's feelings whenyou know the right thing to do exact,
because that, to me speaks moreon her, I know, and
like her you know issues traumas,right than it does to him. Yeah
you know. So yeah, whydon't you just tell him? Tell him
(37:44):
and he's gonna know anyway, likeyou're not, you're you're if you have
already resigned in your mind that likethis relationship is over, but you're still
going through the motions. He's gonnaknow. Yeah, And it's worse if
he asks you to marry him andyou say no. I mean you say
yes right only to say no becauseyou didn't want to bring up for the
holidays. You might just do itnow, girl, Just don't even don't
let this man go. If hemight not have bought a ring yet,
(38:06):
don't let him go spend that moneyon a ring, don't do that.
Just spare This man is gonna beIt's gonna hurt when you rip that bandaid
off, but then it can starthealing. Yeah, yeah, like just
tell him, tell him, lethim go, girl, Let him go.
Girl. Let somebody is because Ihave a bunch of friends that will
want somebody like him, So lethim go. But he's from one of
them. Okay, you got abunch of friends trying to get married.
(38:42):
Our next letter comes from d D. What's up, girl? She says,
Hey, doctor Emani and Meg.Let me start off by saying,
my mother in law is a lovelyperson, but she just can't seem to
mind her own business and it's startingto put a strain on my marriage.
From the beginning of our relationship,she's been overly involved in our lives.
She constantly offers unsolicited advice about ourfinances, our parenting and even our personal
(39:05):
choices. It's as though she feelsentitled to be a part of every decision
we make. I've tried to talkto my husband about it, but he's
hesitant to set boundaries with his mother. He's afraid of hurting her feelings or
causing conflict. As a result,she continues to overstep her bounds, and
I'm left feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.I know that my husband loves his mother,
and I respect their relationship. However, I believe there should be a
(39:29):
balance between maintaining a strong mother sonbond and respecting their privacy and autonomy of
our own family. How can Iapproach this delicate situation without causing unnecessary strife
within our family? Okay, zdHi, this sounds like my mom a
lot, But I will say this, for as much as I love my
(39:51):
mom, my mom loves boundaries,which means that I love boundaries. So
I had to essentially give my moma lot of boundaries when I got like
a little older and started being inrelationships. Listen, I totally understand where
your husband is coming from. Asfar as like, I don't want to
cause conflicts. I don't want tohurt her feelings. His mom may not
(40:13):
be someone who maybe it is ableto express how she feels, and so
when she does get hurt, itmay just be such a blow to her
ego, you know, and shedoesn't have the words, let's say,
to say like oh my god,that really hurt. And maybe his mom
again a lot of maybees. Butas a result, maybe his mother then
(40:35):
can become like really dismissive and justyou know, just just not the most
emotionally open person. But you guysare married, right, so it's good
to be able to understand the likeyour husband's point of view. But you
guys are married, like you guysare a family now, yeah yeah,
and as far as in his life, you come first, yea, even
(40:55):
though it's very difficult for I'm surea lot of mothers to hear that and
accept that, digest it, youknow, like you do come first,
and you like he is your family. And so it's really just going to
have to be a situation where,because it can't come from you, like
it cannot come from you, he'sjust gonna have to be able one day
to have enough courage to say tohis mother like, listen, mom,
(41:19):
I love you. But honestly,unless myself or my wife comes to you
with a specific question, you know, could you please like just you know,
keep it to yourself because it hasbeen causing some strain and then you
can explain. He can explain tohis mom like you know why. But
yeah, I mean I understand,I completely understand. But when it comes
(41:45):
to like what happens in my houseand my mom doesn't live with me.
I don't live with my mom anymore, but when it comes to what happens
in my house, I don't wantfor anything that's going on in the outside
world, including my mom, toaffect the energy in my house. But
here's the thing that's your mom.Yeah. I think if it was her
(42:06):
mom, she would understand. Okay, I have to set certain boundaries because
my mother is like that. She'sa short, little spitfire ball of a
koreane and she'd be coming at myhouse she rearrangesff, I'd be like,
she'd be like, why are youdoing this with Like she she literally is
the queen of unsolicited advice telling mehow to raise her like everything. And
(42:27):
I'm like, I just have tosit down with her and was like,
Mom, like this is my life. But you said boundary, right,
But that's because it's my mother.And I understood, like, no matter
what, my mom loves me,right, she loves me, and and
I had to kind of show herlike I'm even i'm your daughter, I'm
not your baby, little girl.I'm not a little girl anymore. So
you have to respect my choices asan adult because this is my family.
(42:51):
So I'm not a crackhad right exactly. She raised me better than that.
And that's kind of the conversation yourhusband DEDI needs to have with his mother,
which is like, I'm not alittle baby anymore. I'm still your
baby, but i'm a little baby, so thank you for this, you
know, but we're gonna do ourown thing, right and even now my
mom you know, because that's oneof the ways that I realized she shows
her love is to tell me whatto do. So now what I do
(43:12):
is if there's if it's if shejust wants to tell me, like you
should do this, you should dothis, I'd be like, okay,
thank you, and then I goabout my business. But then if it
gets to be too overwhelming, thenthat's when I talked to her and I'm
like, mom, right, mylife. Yeah, thank you, but
no thank you. You know,like I have to do that. So
that's something that your husband's gonna haveto, Doddie. And if he just
chooses not to because he just istoo afraid to stand up to his mother,
(43:35):
then go ahead, and y'all justgonna have problems in your own home,
like and look, you're allowing someoneto have to cause us to have
issues in our home. So thenwe're just gonna have to live with that.
So are you okay with us nothaving sex this week? Are you
okay with us not talking for thenext few days? Are you okay?
Well, that's what's happening because you'verefused to stand up to your mother and
at some point he's gonna have to. And if he does, he's gonna
(43:57):
have to choose do I want thestrife and the issues in my home or
do I want to get exactly mywife. So that's what happens. You
know, women feel very disconnected andthen they don't want to have sex.
Well they're just like I'm good,So like, what do you really want?
So I feel like eventually he'll belike, okay, it's not worth
the trouble in my home. Forme to at least not say something to
my mother. So I'm gonna haveto say something, and maybe maybe d
(44:21):
D. A husband needs to goto counseling on his own so that he
can or you guys can go together. But I think that you know,
if he's if he's that, ifhe has that much trepidation, like that
much worry about like oh my god, like my mom, like I can't
talk to her like that, likeshe's gonna be so upset, then at
least seeing a therapist might help him, like with role playing, like okay,
(44:43):
like or or at least for himto find the words that he can
use, because it doesn't have tobe like mom, you need to stop
being in my business. Yeah exactlyexactly. You say it in a way
that is like you know, you'reincluded. I love you, but you
know, don't worry like I'm married, like i'm grown. Yeah it's okay,
I'm not a crack head. It'sgonna be okay. Yeah, yeah,
it's gonna be fine. So soyeah, so thank you so much
(45:06):
again for sending those letters in youhave a problem, a question, or
you just you don't want to releasesome steam, tell us about your nosy
neighbor that wants to make you screamlittle ryme right there, Please hit us
up by sending an email to Helloat Imani statefmind dot com
The best of the best. Heyeverybody, Happy holidays and welcome to Emney
State of Mind. I'm doctor Emaniand I'm Mex Scoop. Yeah. So,
look, we didn't want to leaveyou guys hanging. We know it's
the holiday season, so we're onvacation. Were our family and our friends
and our free time. Yes weare. We are enjoying Law and Order
SVU and just drinking some eggnog,some spike things. So we, like
(00:39):
we said, we didn't want toleave you guys hanging. So we hope
you enjoy this best of episodes,some of our best material yet, I
must say, I mean we dolike we be acting up. Really,
I mean I do. I'm reallythe culprit here. But yeah, yeah,
but I hope you guys like this. It's time for ass doctry money
(01:07):
anything. So Meg, who isour first letter from today? Well,
actually it's from page Hey girl,and she writes, this summer, I
think I have developed seasonal depression.I'm in my struggle season. I am
in between jobs, so my moneyisn't where it needs to be to do
what I want to do this summer. Now, I'm an extremely social person
who loves to socially drink and smoke, but due to my current bank account,
(01:30):
I am in the house. I'mnot a person who can just sit
in the house as I see myfriends outside, Ladies. If Fomo was
a person, it would be agirl. I've become a really moody,
sad, and borderline hater when myfriends call me to tell me there's summer
plans or adventures. My parents said, I just need to grow up and
this is part of adulting. Butthat advice isn't helping me with this inside
(01:52):
the house depression. The way thisjob search is going, I am going
to be in the house for awhile and need to shift this negative energy.
What are some things you think willhelp me get my mind right and
switch the mood I'm in. Okay, So Page, I love how you
put your glasses on for this second. Oh yeah no, I was like
I had right, Like, okay, so I'm being a professional now.
(02:15):
So okay, So Page, here'sthe thing. Why, Like I understand
that you ain't you know, youain't really flush with cash right now,
and you're trying to, you know, basically just page yourself. But why
why are you stuck in the houselike there's a lot of stuff you can
do for free. That is verytrue. You can just google steps to
(02:36):
do for free near me. Yeah, a bunch of cause guess since I've
done it. Okay, me too. It's there's there's so much stuff,
right, I'm like, girl,go outside, right? Who And also
like just just just to lay iton a little bit thicker page. I'm
sorry, but your parents are alsoright, like, there's gonna come times
(02:57):
in your life when you just gonnahave to say up for some shit.
You're gonna be like, right,everybody, it's not bat out season every
year, right, I don't know. Actually, pretty much everybody I know,
even the richest of the richest peoplethat I know, have had their
moments where they're like, yeah,I'm gonna have to say yeah, right
now, right, I have to, like, right, I gotta like
fall back a little bit. Imean, I will say that, yes,
(03:20):
I do smoke weed every day,but that's kind of like a newish
thing as far as like how muchmoney I have and what I can devote
to that. But yeah, therewere lots of times when I couldn't smoke
every day. Yeah I couldn't.I mean, but that and honestly,
that's when it's like, Okay,I'm gonna go kick it at my friend's
(03:43):
house, who I know has weed, and so I'm just gonna hope that
they smoke, or I'm just gonnago over to my friend's house and kick
it, like I guess I don'tknow where you live, Paige. And
I also understand that you said you'rea social person, but you can be
social in now, like, yeah, you can be social? What else
is crazy? Like because it soundsshe sounds a little bit younger. She
says she's her parents adulting. They'relike teaching her this. So I'm assuming
(04:05):
pages like early twenties, right,yeah, so if that's a case,
page like you can still go tothe club for free, like before eleven
o'clock. Okay, it's right,and you and the South girl, right,
you better sign up for the rsVP, get in there before let
it and then wait for your friendsto come. Right, your girl,
you're probably cute. Get some guysto buy you a drink like this is
(04:25):
like, yeah, this is brokegirl, one on one, right,
this is I've been there plenty,Okay, right, we ain't gonna pay
for nothing, you know, ridewith somebody to the club. Make sure
y'all get there free before eleven.There's so many things to do. Also,
you're also just i mean just againbrokeer one on one. You know,
you can go to the corner store, like okay, first of all,
(04:48):
where you can go to the cornerstore, you can get you some
little mini liquor bob yes a dollareach to yeah, and then you just
make your little drink and then youput them in your part. You going
to a club where they check yourpurse. There's these little things you can
get from like Spencers or whatever.You can order it on Amazon, I'm
sure. And they look like tampons. Say, you pour your shot in
(05:11):
there and you put it back inthe little it's like a it's like a
little plastic vial, but you putit in it's like a tampon cover and
you put in your purse. They'renot gonna know, they're gonna be like
tampon, right, and here youare with like five tampons and a girl
you're throwing shots back. Okay,you just pull it out the little tampon
cover and then it's it looks likea little what is it like a little
like an applicator, No, itdoesn't even look like it's literally just the
(05:34):
outside of it looks like a tampa, but when you pull it out,
it's like a plastic. It's this. I've seen them in the club already,
Like I've seen the bottle girls walkaround with these long, like skinny
plastic things with like the top onit, and they serve it there anyway,
So now you got it, looklike you got it from the club,
So right page. In any case, Okay, you you need to,
(05:55):
like literally you need to google freestuff that's near me and broke one
on or you know, go andfind the hashtag bro girl and be okay
with it not being your season.Okay, it's okay. This is your
season to build. And there's probablysome other things you can work on in
life if you're so concerned with everybodyelse doing their things, because maybe that's
a lesson you need to learn becauseit's not always going to be your turn,
(06:17):
and you have to learn to celebrateother people when it's their turn.
Yes, my friends are having ablast. I love it. I can't
do that right now, but Iwill. Like, that's the kind of
mindset you need, so exactly,Yeah, you gotta fix that, girl,
yeah. I mean, I thinkwith experience and with age, like
you'll learn that not everything is foryou. Like there's there's a season,
there's always a season, and likeMeg said, this is just not your
(06:40):
season. I went to I wentto these outlet stores earlier today because I
had to charge my car, andI was like, oh my god,
look at all this Blessiaga and Gucci, and it's it was cute, but
it was like, Emani, doyou need it? No, you don't,
you don't. I'm like, youhave that bag, you don't need
that bag. You don't need thoseshoes. I was like, ooh,
look those have been on Siaga sneakers, like those will be good. Those
(07:03):
would be so cute. And thenwhen they're like that'll be like four hundred
dollars, I'm gonna be like no, Like no, r right, It's
fine. I'll get some knockoffs offAmazon or something. I don't care.
But but anyway, Paige, Ithink at the very most, you're probably
suffering from what's called adjustment disorder,which is essentially things have changed and you
(07:23):
are having a hard time adjusting toit. I haven't heard anything in your
letter that specifically sounds like you're dealingwith clinical depression or seasonal depression. Yeah,
but it's summertime, so she's tryingto say, girl, you know
you just broke for right now youneed to be okay with That's all right.
(07:44):
I'm not going shopping because I havestuff I have to pay for.
I don't need more stuff. Soit's fine, Paige, You're gonna be
okay. You will be okay.You can be okay and let us know
what fun free things and what niftytricks you have come up with to have
a good time, because you reallythere's so much I know you should be
out here, like like celebrating yourself. So do that, yes, yay,
(08:05):
okay, Dear doctor Remone and Meg, I need your help. I
am a people pleaser. I sayit's to everything, even when I know
I need to say no. Iwill over extend myself to help others,
all because I don't know how tosay no. Doctor YOURMII, I know
you're good at saying no. Howdo you do that? I want to
stop being a people pleaser, butI don't know how. My husband says,
(08:28):
I'm always doing way too much foreveryone. I am just exhausted being
everything to everyone. But I literallycan't say no to anyone. I will
double and triple book myself for eventsand friend celebrations because I can't say no.
I'm worried I'm going to burn myselfout every time I say yes when
I want to say no. Iam so upset with myself. I have
(08:48):
no idea why a two letter wordis so hard for me to use.
Please help okay, signed Megan,because I'm a people pleaser, so hope,
okay help me. So I hadwrote this in but it really says
Sean. Okay. So Sean,here's the thing. You you know what
the issue is, you know whatthe solution is. But what's getting in
(09:11):
the way is that you have thisguilt that you'll let someone down or so
there's this guilt, but then there'salso it's like you're guilty because you feel
like you might might let someone down, and then you're also left with this
feeling of like, oh my god, I'm so overwhelmed. Ye, so
you got to be true to yourself, Like, so, how is it
(09:35):
easy for me to say no?Aside from the fact that I've had lots
of practice and people that I've grownup around are fabulous. Is saying no.
I really, my mom and mydad are perfect, are great at
saying no. A lot of itis that you I'm not going to sit
here and say, hey, Sean, just start doing it. Just start
saying no to everybody, because you'restill going to carry around that guilt.
(09:58):
I feel like whatever the issue thatyou're having is with like saying no to
people is somehow related to something thathappened in your past, where like you
were let down and you don't wantsomebody else to feel the same way,
or you know, I don't know, I'm just kind of hypothesizing, but
(10:18):
whatever it is, you need toget to the bottom of it. And
how do you get to the bottomof that. You go to therapy,
therapy. You go to therapy,Yes, and you need to essentially go
to go to therapy, talk toyour therapist about like I need to change
this behavior. What is it rootedin? Yeah, yeah, that's that's
like. Actually, that's how Istarted to become better at this because I've
(10:39):
always been a people pleaser. I'vealways been like, yes, I'll do
that, Yes, I'll help you, no, and goodwill. I don't
have the time where I don't havethe mental capacity, but I'll still say
yes, mm hmm. And solike when in therapy, I learned like
the root why I was doing thisand why I needed to like help get
help for it. But basically likeI never had boundaries. I was never
(11:00):
good with boundaries because I grew upfrom people who just said yes to everything.
My parents are that kind of wayas well. So just like you
said, you grew up with peoplewho said no, it's easier for you
because you were and I was theopposite. My parents said yes to everybody,
will help everyone, and so itwas just like that's overwhelming and that's
not realistic. And so at thisbig age, I'm like learning to say
(11:20):
no to things. And what happensis when someone there's this initial feeling as
soon as someone asked you to dosomething, you know in a split second
whether you really want to do itor yeah, don't. And so what
happens is now in that split secondwhen I know for sure do I really
want to do this or I reallydon't want to do this, but I
feel obligated to, Like in thatmoment, it's like, Okay, I've
(11:43):
learned. I have to have aconversation with myself, right because as soon
as soon as I see the ask, I'm like yes, and that means
I shouldn't do it right, andso I have to go, Okay,
Megan, why are you trying tosay yes? Besides your guiltiness? Like
what else are you? Why areyou saying yes? Because you don't have
(12:05):
the time for this? You don'thave this? Is there anything else you
can suggest? Because you feel likeyou still want to help and you still
want to save the day, Sowhat else can you suggest? That is
a compromise? Maybe for what they'reasking? What you can give a number
one? Number two? If thereis no compromise, Like what's gonna happen?
If you say no, You're gonnahave more time and usually you'll feel
(12:26):
better. Right, But usually whenyou your people please, you think about
the other person first, So you'relike, what happens with them? Okay?
If I say no, they're askingme to do this? Is there
somebody else that can help them?Is right? Like I have to literally
go through the scenario like ugh,I'm just but right, but maybe somebody
else can help them? Be okay? Something right? Like I have to
literally go through that and then I'mlike okay, it's fun. We respond
(12:50):
no, I can't help you thistime, and then and then also learning
that no period is a complete sentencebecause to me, it's always no.
But here's why, and I'm like, I'm in the process of learning,
like I don't have to give thema reason. I just be like you,
I can't do it. No,I can't, and that's okay.
Yeah, that's okay. Yeah.I literally like you should see my text.
(13:11):
I'll be like no, but here'sblubblah and I'm like, no,
delete delete delete. Yes, it'sokay to say no. It's okay to
say no and keep it moving,right, because unlike Meg, I am
not I guess thinking of other people. I'm very selfish and I'm just like
no, sorry, right, No, I can't. So really with most
(13:31):
things my answer is no unless it'slike food or like marijuana. I'm just
kidding. So so, yeah,thank you so much for that letter.
I hope, yeah, hopefully,Sean, that helped you, all,
(13:52):
right, y'all. Our next lettercomes from Mercedes. Hey, yourl Hey,
She says, doctor YOUMANI and MegI think my husband is cheating,
but now I'm second and gets tomyself. He's been coming home late,
locking his phone and the work tripshave increased. When I bought it up
to him, he completely shut medown and said I was acting crazy and
paranoid. Recently, my son's bestfriend, who works at a hotel,
(14:13):
spotted my husband coming out of aroom with a much younger woman. After
I stopped crying my eyes out,I was angry. I called him at
work and cursed his ass out forplaying me for a fool. He said,
I need to see someone for mylow self esteem issues, because that
is what has to be the issuefor my scary ass to call his job
with this bullshit. I have hadlow self esteem issues in my younger days,
(14:37):
but I absolutely think he is cheatingand he's using my personal issues to
deflect. I'm distraught. I don'twant my marriage to be over and think
we can work through this, buthe has to admit to it first.
Am I tripping or is he tripping? I am crying as I write this.
Help. Okay, I'm sorry you'recrying. I know, I'm sorry.
(14:58):
It's always sad for me to ifyou're a black and I, but
for black families to break up itmakes me sad. I mean, no
matter what the issues are, sometimesI gotta break up. Yeah I was.
I mean I feel that sentiment,but like, but I actually you
need to break up with I thinkwhat I'm reading this like you already know?
Yeah, Like I think you alreadyknow, Mercedes, what's going on,
and you're just trying to like you'regrasping for straws here. But his
(15:22):
girl and your son's friend, that'sthe that's embarrassing. My son's friend had
to come and tell me. Notonly does my like my son's friend,
No, my son knows obviously,like and also we're gonna chat about this
a little later in the show.But your husband is terrible at gaslighting,
right, he is awful? Likethat is the worst example of gaslighting,
(15:45):
I think, Like I've like becauseif if it were a situation where he
hadn't been caught and he was like, girl, you're tripping, then that's
effective gaslighting. But if you arecaught coming out of a room with another
woman, with the other things thatyou've done, like locking your phone,
you coming back home late, yougot more work trips quote unquote, that's
(16:08):
no longer gaslighting. Like you gotbusted. Like now you just lie into
my face and you think I'm stupidlike also a Mercedes, girl, don't
cry, but you need to likethat same energy that you use to curse
him out at work, you needto keep that energy and you and listen,
we all deal with issues with ourself esteem from time to time,
(16:30):
but this is not one of thosetimes where you need to doubt yourself.
Like your man cheated on you.He played you to your face. Yeah,
and it has nothing to do withyou at none. Is like those
are actions he just tried for girl, And I'm sorry because it's gonna take
some time for you to entangle allof this. And like, you know,
it's hard when you know that you'remaking the right decision, but you
(16:52):
still have to tease your emotions likeaway from the person because you have to.
Like, like when you're in arelationship, you it's fun when you
get to the point where you're bothon the same page because you're making plans.
You can like look forward to certainthings that you've you know that you've
planned or you guys are going todo and now you can't do that.
(17:14):
But this is actually a blessing indisguise for you, Mercedes. So I
mean, look, your man endedthis relationship all by himself. Like you
didn't have to really do anything,so count that as a blessing. You
know, leave and don't look back, like, don't doubt yourself. Thank
you for writing in, but youbasically laid it out for us. Yeah,
(17:37):
and I think listen to the restof this episodecause we're going to talk
about gaslighting and that's what that mandid to you, Okay. He trying
to make it seem like, likeyou said, it's your low self esteem
that you're you're saying it's has nothingto do with me, when it's likeeter
like you sound stupid. Yeah,and at the end of the day,
like you know, I know you'resad and you don't want your marriage to
be over, but a marriage istwo people. So if he's not willing
(18:00):
to work through, go to counseling, try to you know, obviously either
he got it. First of all, he has to change how he talks
to you, like that was notokay, right, Like you need to
change your entire tone and you're hirenot loving. Yeah, So I mean,
if he's not willing to work onit, it's really nothing you could
do, you know what I mean. If he's just out here and then
that's not safe either. He's inhotel rooms with women. He could bring
(18:23):
you back diseases that can mess upyour whole reproductive system, Like, that's
not okay, that's not okay,mess up your pH balance. Girl,
you don't need that at all.You don't need it. And there's and
worse right right, So I'm sorry, Mercedes, I'm sorry too. Yeah,
sorry, Girna, let him go. Dear doctor Emani and Meg.
I find myself in a chaotic workenvironment, and it's become increasingly clear that
(18:45):
we need our leadership to step upand be true leaders. The chaos at
our workplace seems to have reached newheights. Projects are constantly behind scheduled.
Communication is a mess, and itfeels like we're constantly putting out fires rather
than making any real progress. It'saffecting morale, productivity, and our overall
job satisfaction. What's frustrating is thatI believe we have a team with great
(19:07):
potential. We have talented and dedicatedindividuals who really do care about the work
we do. However, without strongleadership, that feels like we're in a
constant storm, lacking direction and guidance. My day to day work is absolutely
draining me mentally. I am tothe point I am ready to quit with
no job or savings lined up.What advice would you give me and my
(19:29):
employees to address our leadership team andour need for them to step up and
actually lead? So, Mike,uh, honestly, you need to have
a conversation with them like they're feeling, you know, but like, how
can we please set a meeting becausethere are some things that we'd like to
discuss, as you know, we'dlike there are things we'd like this,
(19:52):
there are things that we specifically wouldlike to discuss with the leadership team.
No, what if they say no? First I was like, oh my
god, I want if they sayno, They're like, no, that's
okay. Think so well, well, first of all, this is what
I would say to Micah, keepit vague. There are things there are
(20:12):
some things we'd like to discuss withthe leadership team. We will discuss more
of that. When like why theygonna say no? What comes shouldes that?
I mean she said they oh theytripping? Maybe they just say no.
I mean if they if they sayno, then I'll be like,
Okay. First of all, Micah, I'm guessing that you probably already have
some feelers out. I would Iwould think that you might, you might
(20:34):
start need to start circulating your resume. Yeah, because if it's that bad,
I don't know if they're really arethey really gonna change if you come
to them and say we hate it, you well, it's on record,
right, So it's so half halfthe battle. When I mean, I'm
I'm in a leadership position at myjob, but I still answer to to
(20:55):
someone. I still answer to theCEO. There are times when it's just
good to have a meeting to justdocument what the response is because then if
they're like no, then you canjust say, okay, well on this
time, at you know, onthis date, at this time, we
had a meeting and the response wasnot very it wasn't very helpful. Leadership
(21:18):
was not particularly wanting to actually listento our input and what we need.
And then when it's time for youto quit, you know, you can
get into that. What if theleadership that she's referring to is like the
CEO, like I mean, thefounder CEO the top of the top,
I would still suggest that you tellthat person that because they may I mean,
(21:41):
they're just they're on like cruise controlthey don't know. Okay, you
know what I'm saying. It's alwaysnice when you are working for someone and
they have great leadership qualities, butsometimes, I mean everybody, everybody could
benefit from criticism. And it's notlike, oh you suck, it's more
like, okay, so and withthis given project, we were having problems
(22:03):
with this, and I think inthe future it would be more helpful if
so. When I when I havegone into meetings like this, and even
like okay, like I kind ofhad to recently fire somebody, so I
didn't go into it with emotion.I just went into it with facts.
You have to yeah, right,so it's like boom, I don't want
to hear about anything else about howyou feel or like. This isn't about
(22:26):
feelings, this is about facts,like this is this is what the problem
is. Yeah, and if youcan either choose to address it or not.
And if you choose to not,I'm not saying say this to them,
but if you if they choose notto address it, then you know
what your next course of action shouldbe, which is to believe. And
if they say she doesn't have anylike job, any backup, but she
(22:47):
well you gotta I mean, yougotta you gotta get your resume out there,
girl, I would say start doingthat now. Yeah, like and
foremost, like, get your resume. Let's start pushing it out there before
you have this meeting, because there'sno telling what happens after this. Yeah,
exactly. And what I was youjust reminded me what I was gonna
say, is that when I gointo these meetings, I go into these
meetings with my solution already, likein mot like, here's the issue,
(23:11):
this is how I feel we couldrectify it. Yeah, and this is
what I believe the solution could be. What do you think? Yeah,
you know, like I kind ofgo into it like I'm running the meeting,
because if you leave it up toleader, these particular people who are
in a leadership position, they clearlydon't know what they're doing. Yeah,
so you have to show them theway. Yeah. And honestly, Micah,
(23:33):
if it's like that, maybe youshould go for a leadership position someone
else, or maybe you should justpost everybody and leave you to go be
consulting somewhere. Yeah, exactly,like they're there. Don't limit yourself and
don't limit yourself to this job.I mean, I would say you gave
really good advice. I don't haveno good advice for this except possibly whatever
you write in that meeting or youhave as far as like, here's the
(23:55):
issues, here's the solution. Needsto be very detailed, and it needs
to be very like fact to actualand like not like I didn't like it.
How when you said no, veryfactual. We weren't able to get
this done because this is and thiswas out of order. As a result,
profitability went down. Blah blah blah, Like you need to be very
detailed in that kind of way forthem to be like, Okay, she's
(24:18):
making sense and not just to wedon't like your leadership style. You need
to change right exactly so you wantyou want quantitative data, not really qualitative.
Yeah. Yeah. In the meantime, circle your resume around yeah,
girl, like get it, getit out there. Also, I don't
know what line of work you workin, mic Ah, but there's always
(24:40):
remote jobs. There's so many remotejobs right now, so you know you
might need to get your remote one. There you go if you haven't already.
So, okay, we have anotherletter. It comes from Courtney,
and here's what Courtney had to say. Dear doctor EYMANI and Meg, I
(25:03):
hope you're ready for a letter that'smore awkward than a penguin trying to take
go. So here goes. I'verecently found myself in a bit of a
pickle. My best friend, let'scall her Susie. You said, ain't
this guy, we'll call him Mark. Well, one wild night, I
found myself sharing an uber and onething led to another, and now Mark
and I are acquaintances in a wayI never imagined. Here's the kicker.
(25:27):
I haven't told Susie about this littlerendezvous because I'm not entirely sure how she'd
react. She's in a new relationshipand we've always had that girl's before guys
rule, and I know she'd behurt or mad if she found out.
But ladies, it was just aone time thing, and it doesn't mean
anything, right. I'm torn betweenfussing up and potentially damaging our friendship or
(25:47):
taking this secret to the grave andliving with the guilt. Help me,
I'm caught in a sitcom worthy dilemmahere. Okay, wait, there's something
missing here. Yeah, I'm like, because she says Susie used to date
Mark, and then Courtney her bestfriend. And then she said that one
(26:08):
wild night, I found myself sharingan uber and one thing led to another,
and now Mark and I are equation. Like what happened between who's Susie
and Mark are? And now y'allhave this? Like where was y'all even
at? What was y'all doing?Like did you have one sex with Susie?
Like no, no, no,she's saying. So Courtney is saying
her best friend is Susie. Susanused to date Mark, so something happened,
(26:32):
one thing led to another, Courtneyand Mark got in the uber together,
then they had Well that's what I'msaying. I mean, yes,
I do understand, Like, ohmy god, you ended up having sex
with Susie's ex, right, Iwould assume yeah, because it was one
of those like yeah before guys.Yeah, but if it was a one
night stand, like I mean,I'm not saying that I wouldn't tell your
(26:57):
friends, but I don't know,I don't I don't know. Well,
maybe I'm putting this was her bestfriend. If it was like an acquaintance,
that's one thing, But if itshowed bestie, I mean, I
don't know me and my best friendwe did we've we've dated the same guy,
not at the same time, right, And I think so, I
(27:18):
think there's context that's missing here.Ay. How long were Susie and Mark
together? Was this like the loveof her life? Right? Or was
it just somebody she dated for alittle bit and then they were done?
How soon after they were done didthis happen? Because all that makes a
difference. If it was like yearslater, I don't know whatever, But
if it was like a month later, yeah, a week later? Yeah?
(27:41):
Okay, all right, now Iunderstand a little bit better because this
kind of happened to me once inhigh school. I have a really good
friend and she had a boyfriend.But she was like, I mean,
we were sixteen. She was likeseeing this other guy on the side,
and she had stopped seeing this otherguy. And so me and this other
guy, let's call him Eric.That might even be his real name.
(28:03):
I don't remember his last name.I don't know. Like this was girl,
this was like ninety two, Okay, Like we dated briefly, and
I remember, what did your friendknow at the time? I asked,
so, I asked her, Okay, this is so, this is what
happened, I asked her. Iwas like, yo, Eric is interested
in me. You're with your boyfriends. Would you have a problem with it?
(28:30):
And she was like, no,girl, go and do what you
gotta do. And I was like, okay, but I asked her,
but yeah, but she was lying, oh right, And so we didn't
speak for years after that, andthen you know, like we all older
now and grown and shit, likeI've seen her when we went to New
York, when me and Peter wentto New York. But but I mean
(28:52):
I did apologize to her. Iwas like, listen, even though I
did ask you and you said itwas okay. She was like, no,
really, it was on me becauseI said, just said how it
felt. Yeah. Yeah. SoI mean I understand Courtney's dilemma. But
at the same time, I'm like, do you have to tell your friend?
Well, if it's your friend,you got to tell your best friend?
(29:15):
Well, if you just hooked upwith him once. I mean,
but that's what I'm saying. Whywouldn't you tell your best friend? I
don't know, that's a bigger question. Why what about this situation makes you
say I wouldn't. She said she'safraid of how her friend would react,
which leads me to believe there wassome shadiness going on, meaning either this
is a guy that your friend seriouslyliked, or you did this right after
(29:40):
they broke up and it was alittle too soon, or the friend is
like super emotional, like Carl Thomaslevels of emotional. But yeah, but
why would your friend be emotional unlessbecause her friend is Karl Thomas. That's
why. Like he's like, I'msaying, but do you really but if
you have a new man and you'vemoved on and you're happy, would you
still be a emotional about something that'spassed? I mean, I less it
(30:03):
was somebody that you were in lovewith, right unless I mean it's like,
I guess what we need to knowCourtney is Susie, Like, is
Susie pining for this guy? Idon't like, did you leave that out?
I don't know. I don't knowthe seriousness of Susie and Mark's previous
relationship. I don't think it's that. I think I don't know if she's
still pine because she said Susie's movedon. I mean, but then why
(30:26):
would Susie really care like that?I would I would care, Okay,
if my best again, if Iwas in love with this dude. That's
what I'm saying, and this happened, I wouldn't stop being friends with her
if I would have moved on,But I'd be like, Yo, that's
messed up, Like why would youdo that? And you knew how I
felt about this dude like that wasthat's messed up. That's that'd be number
one or number two. I wouldbe upset if it was, like you
(30:47):
knew how I felt about this guyand then this because nothing just happens.
No, no, you see whatI'm saying. Nothing just there's not enough
alcohol in the world. You there'salways something you were getting yuling you,
there's always So how did you getinto uber with this man? Where was
all at that you were partying thismuch? Were you drunk or were completely
(31:08):
sober? Because even when you're drunk, like I ain't gonna sit here like
my best friend, yeah, andI have a like we have a you
know girls before guys like code aswell. Like I don't know, but
sometimes when people get drunk, likethey like what I'm saying. Sometimes when
people get drunk, like they getblackout drunk and they be doing shit.
(31:30):
So is that what it was?That's what I'm saying, I don't know,
like we have Okay, Courtney,write us back, okay, because
we need more. We need morein fall. So so this is gonna
be the first time probably that likewe can't really answer your question. Well,
here's what I would say, right, men, answer your question regardless.
You need to tell your friend,tell your money, to accept whatever
blowback comes from that. And thereason I say that is because if this
(31:52):
is your best friend, this isthe one person and I'm thinking of just
about how my relationship is with mybest friend. This is the one person
I don't had anything from. Yeah, exactly, And if y'all are really
truly friends, you will get throughanything, including this. Now, if
your friend is gonna be mad atyou and say, like, she does
have a right to be mad atyou if this was somebody that was very
special to her and you did someshady stuff and you didn't you know,
(32:15):
But if she's really your friend,she gonna and she's moved on to be
like, Okay, fine, Iwas mad at I'm mad at you.
That's fed up, but eventually,like I'll talk to you again. It's
a big yeah, you should tellyour friend. I mean, I wouldn't
care. Would you tell your friendyour best friend if this was a situation,
I would tell her. But also, I don't know if I get
into this type of situation, Likeonce I know that, like my best
(32:36):
friend is like interested in somebody orhaving sex with somebody, that man is
my brother. Yeah right, it'slike look at my brother, right,
it's a ken doll down there,Like I don't care. I don't like,
I don't, I don't care.It doesn't matter to me. So
yeah, I mean, Courtney,I need some more information, like we
need some more information. Yeah,because and then that would make me feel
(32:58):
some kind of way because it waslike one, wait a minute, was
you looking at him like that thewhole the whole time I'm telling you about
my feelings about this dude, areyou secretly like popping? Like yes,
I don't know, So I wouldbe mad for a while. But if
it's my best friend, because Iknow her and we've been friends for years,
I would know that the intention,Like if she's like it was just
on one night saying I'm so sorry, like then I'd be like, okay,
(33:19):
whatever, Yeah, I wouldn't.I mean, I wouldn't trip.
Plus i'd probably be like, well, if you really have sex with him,
telling me like, you know whichway his penis beers towards so so
And if she can't remember, thenshe was she was either too drunk or
too like high and fucked up orit was whack, and then we can
giggle about how wacky is in bed, Like I just like, I'm not
(33:40):
really tripping that is, That's whatI'm saying. So I feel like you
can talk about it late right orleft which way? But you trick question
it, don't. So so letme day what that thing that? Yes,
(34:01):
Oh my god, let me smellyour jack. That's I'm so glad.
Bes Well, actually no, I'mnot, because I really kind of
miss bet me too. Then Churchcame on. There were so many good
songs. Oh my god, rememberto this day. Oh my god.
Anyway, Courtney, I need somemore info. So if you're hearing this,
Courtney, if you're listening, letus know. Really I want to
(34:22):
know, dear doctor Eemony and Meg. I've been in a relationship with my
boyfriend for a while now, andwhile there have been some wonderful moments,
I've come to the painful realization thatis time for us to part ways.
However, my heart is heavy withhesitation because of the time of year.
I love him, but I amno longer in love with him. The
(34:45):
thought of breaking up with him duringthe holidays feels incredibly cruel. The last
thing I want to do is makehim sad during a time that's supposed to
be filled with joy and togetherness.I feel kind of obligated to spare his
feelings and stay with him through theholidays. I can't and don't want to
get into the new year as acouple because I believe that our relationship has
run its course and it's not fairto either of us to continue down a
(35:07):
path that no longer makes us happy. I just don't know a good time
to sit him down to call itquits. His mom has been hinting that
a proposal is on the horizon,and I absolutely don't want him to get
down on that bent ney this holidayseason. Like if he does, I
know I would say yes to sparehis feelings. I don't want to give
(35:28):
him false hope by delaying the inevitable. But how do I navigate this tricky
situation with sensitivity and respect? Okay, so, dot, Here's what I
would say if your relationship has runits course, and you think that this
man might possibly propose to you.Girl, It don't matter what time of
the year it is. In fact, I'll use myself as an example.
(35:51):
I broke up with my ex husbandon our anniversary what and I believe I
think our anniversary. I think itwas like November two. I really don't
remember now because it's yes, becauseI'm petty and he was being just super
stupid and I was like, youknow what, I'm done with this shit.
(36:12):
Yeah, oh my god, Yeah, I mean no, he knew
you were serious. No, youknew I was serious like this. And
I did it over the phone becausehe was out of town, because I
was like, I'm done, LikeI'm tired, like you're using me and
this is stupid and I don't wantto be a part of this anymore.
Yeah. So, whether it's theholidays or not, I mean, dot,
if you you if you love thisman, like you have loved him,
(36:37):
but but the in love, theromantic part is gone, Like tell
him now, because I've never seena Hallmark movie, but apparently on all
these Hallmark movies for Christmas, likeyou can find love all over the place.
So just yeah, break up withyour break up with dude, and
then you know what, like something, I'm sure some someone will come along.
(36:59):
Yeah, because especially if you saidyou you've loved him and he seems
like he's a good guy, youdidn't mention anything about him doing anything wrong
to you, then you can't continuethe charade. And I think it's better
that he goes into the holidays withoutyou, yeah, you know, because
then that's like you're looking out forhim. And I think the way to
I guess talk to him about thatis just being honest. Yeah, And
(37:22):
I feel like you need to probablyspend some time with yourself as to why
you're trying to spare someone's feelings whenyou know the right thing to do exact,
because that, to me speaks moreon her, I know, and
like her you know issues traumas,right than it does to him. Yeah
you know. So yeah, whydon't you just tell him? Tell him
(37:44):
and he's gonna know anyway, likeyou're not, you're you're if you have
already resigned in your mind that likethis relationship is over, but you're still
going through the motions. He's gonnaknow. Yeah, And it's worse if
he asks you to marry him andyou say no. I mean you say
yes right only to say no becauseyou didn't want to bring up for the
holidays. You might just do itnow, girl, Just don't even don't
let this man go. If hemight not have bought a ring yet,
(38:06):
don't let him go spend that moneyon a ring, don't do that.
Just spare This man is gonna beIt's gonna hurt when you rip that bandaid
off, but then it can starthealing. Yeah, yeah, like just
tell him, tell him, lethim go, girl, Let him go.
Girl. Let somebody is because Ihave a bunch of friends that will
want somebody like him, So lethim go. But he's from one of
them. Okay, you got abunch of friends trying to get married.
(38:42):
Our next letter comes from d D. What's up, girl? She says,
Hey, doctor Emani and Meg.Let me start off by saying,
my mother in law is a lovelyperson, but she just can't seem to
mind her own business and it's startingto put a strain on my marriage.
From the beginning of our relationship,she's been overly involved in our lives.
She constantly offers unsolicited advice about ourfinances, our parenting and even our personal
(39:05):
choices. It's as though she feelsentitled to be a part of every decision
we make. I've tried to talkto my husband about it, but he's
hesitant to set boundaries with his mother. He's afraid of hurting her feelings or
causing conflict. As a result,she continues to overstep her bounds, and
I'm left feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.I know that my husband loves his mother,
and I respect their relationship. However, I believe there should be a
(39:29):
balance between maintaining a strong mother sonbond and respecting their privacy and autonomy of
our own family. How can Iapproach this delicate situation without causing unnecessary strife
within our family? Okay, zdHi, this sounds like my mom a
lot, But I will say this, for as much as I love my
(39:51):
mom, my mom loves boundaries,which means that I love boundaries. So
I had to essentially give my moma lot of boundaries when I got like
a little older and started being inrelationships. Listen, I totally understand where
your husband is coming from. Asfar as like, I don't want to
cause conflicts. I don't want tohurt her feelings. His mom may not
(40:13):
be someone who maybe it is ableto express how she feels, and so
when she does get hurt, itmay just be such a blow to her
ego, you know, and shedoesn't have the words, let's say,
to say like oh my god,that really hurt. And maybe his mom
again a lot of maybees. Butas a result, maybe his mother then
(40:35):
can become like really dismissive and justyou know, just just not the most
emotionally open person. But you guysare married, right, so it's good
to be able to understand the likeyour husband's point of view. But you
guys are married, like you guysare a family now, yeah yeah,
and as far as in his life, you come first, yea, even
(40:55):
though it's very difficult for I'm surea lot of mothers to hear that and
accept that, digest it, youknow, like you do come first,
and you like he is your family. And so it's really just going to
have to be a situation where,because it can't come from you, like
it cannot come from you, he'sjust gonna have to be able one day
to have enough courage to say tohis mother like, listen, mom,
(41:19):
I love you. But honestly,unless myself or my wife comes to you
with a specific question, you know, could you please like just you know,
keep it to yourself because it hasbeen causing some strain and then you
can explain. He can explain tohis mom like you know why. But
yeah, I mean I understand,I completely understand. But when it comes
(41:45):
to like what happens in my houseand my mom doesn't live with me.
I don't live with my mom anymore, but when it comes to what happens
in my house, I don't wantfor anything that's going on in the outside
world, including my mom, toaffect the energy in my house. But
here's the thing that's your mom.Yeah. I think if it was her
(42:06):
mom, she would understand. Okay, I have to set certain boundaries because
my mother is like that. She'sa short, little spitfire ball of a
koreane and she'd be coming at myhouse she rearrangesff, I'd be like,
she'd be like, why are youdoing this with Like she she literally is
the queen of unsolicited advice telling mehow to raise her like everything. And
(42:27):
I'm like, I just have tosit down with her and was like,
Mom, like this is my life. But you said boundary, right,
But that's because it's my mother.And I understood, like, no matter
what, my mom loves me,right, she loves me, and and
I had to kind of show herlike I'm even i'm your daughter, I'm
not your baby, little girl.I'm not a little girl anymore. So
you have to respect my choices asan adult because this is my family.
(42:51):
So I'm not a crackhad right exactly. She raised me better than that.
And that's kind of the conversation yourhusband DEDI needs to have with his mother,
which is like, I'm not alittle baby anymore. I'm still your
baby, but i'm a little baby, so thank you for this, you
know, but we're gonna do ourown thing, right and even now my
mom you know, because that's oneof the ways that I realized she shows
her love is to tell me whatto do. So now what I do
(43:12):
is if there's if it's if shejust wants to tell me, like you
should do this, you should dothis, I'd be like, okay,
thank you, and then I goabout my business. But then if it
gets to be too overwhelming, thenthat's when I talked to her and I'm
like, mom, right, mylife. Yeah, thank you, but
no thank you. You know,like I have to do that. So
that's something that your husband's gonna haveto, Doddie. And if he just
chooses not to because he just istoo afraid to stand up to his mother,
(43:35):
then go ahead, and y'all justgonna have problems in your own home,
like and look, you're allowing someoneto have to cause us to have
issues in our home. So thenwe're just gonna have to live with that.
So are you okay with us nothaving sex this week? Are you
okay with us not talking for thenext few days? Are you okay?
Well, that's what's happening because you'verefused to stand up to your mother and
at some point he's gonna have to. And if he does, he's gonna
(43:57):
have to choose do I want thestrife and the issues in my home or
do I want to get exactly mywife. So that's what happens. You
know, women feel very disconnected andthen they don't want to have sex.
Well they're just like I'm good,So like, what do you really want?
So I feel like eventually he'll belike, okay, it's not worth
the trouble in my home. Forme to at least not say something to
my mother. So I'm gonna haveto say something, and maybe maybe d
(44:21):
D. A husband needs to goto counseling on his own so that he
can or you guys can go together. But I think that you know,
if he's if he's that, ifhe has that much trepidation, like that
much worry about like oh my god, like my mom, like I can't
talk to her like that, likeshe's gonna be so upset, then at
least seeing a therapist might help him, like with role playing, like okay,
(44:43):
like or or at least for himto find the words that he can
use, because it doesn't have tobe like mom, you need to stop
being in my business. Yeah exactlyexactly. You say it in a way
that is like you know, you'reincluded. I love you, but you
know, don't worry like I'm married, like i'm grown. Yeah it's okay,
I'm not a crack head. It'sgonna be okay. Yeah, yeah,
it's gonna be fine. So soyeah, so thank you so much
(45:06):
again for sending those letters in youhave a problem, a question, or
you just you don't want to releasesome steam, tell us about your nosy
neighbor that wants to make you screamlittle ryme right there, Please hit us
up by sending an email to Helloat Imani statefmind dot com
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