November 17, 2023 • 53 mins
Take a moment to consider how today’s events and day-to-day life affect our mental health as adults. Now, pair that with peer pressure, questionable trends, and social media. Can you imagine what our kids may be going through? Join Dr. Imani and Meg as they break down how to start a discussion and ways to encourage our children to talk about their mental health. Plus, the duo performs a pop culture diagnosis on another fan favorite, Rue from HBO’s series ‘Euphoria,’ played by Zendaya.
If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
If you'd like to submit a listener letter, please email us at hello@imanistateofmind.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:15):
Hey, everybody, I'm doctor Emaniand I make scoob gyus. What's your
favorite part about Thanksgiving? Macaroni andcheese and stuffing. So if there's wait,
wait, okay, out of thesemacaroni, cheese and stuffing, Okay,
one must go mac and cheese,stuffing, sweet potatoes or turkey turkey
(00:37):
really yeah, I don't really eatturkey on Thanksgiving me. Have you ever
had a fried turkey? Yeah,girl, I'll eat the skin, you
know, like I'll totally eat theskin. I would get rid of stuffing
if there was oven turkey, ifit's like turkey like that. Well,
not if it's oven turkey, Idon't like because those tend to be just
(00:59):
a little bit on the dryer sidefor me, even the ones that here
juicy. But when you've had afried turkey, back gotta stay. So
then I would get rid of stuffingif it was fried turkey, sweet potatoes,
mac and cheese and stuff that's reallylike, that's really my plate.
I'll take like turkey skin, likeme and my son will fight over the
skin, like where the neck isthat little like neck? Yeah, so
(01:21):
turkey skin, stuffing, cranberry sauce, macaroni, and cheese gravy and like,
I'm done. Wait, so youcall it stuff because my family we
usually call it dressing. I thinkthat's like a Southern thing. Also,
I think what's in it? BecauseI know at least the dressing I've had
has like corn meal in it,but the stuffing is more like bread based.
Yeah, I mean I kind oflike it all to be. I
(01:41):
don't. Yeah, I don't reallycare. Do you do? Like,
are you into the whole like BlackFriday shopping or no? I don't either
because I feel like this, Idon't. I don't think there's really anything
I really need. I think ifI needed like a TV or something,
maybe I would be into like orlike anything like tech related. But other
than that, I don't really shopin person anymore. I don't either.
(02:04):
Well, I was saying, becauseyou know they do the deals online now,
Yeah, exactly, they're just kindof like, oh, well,
people don't really need to come infor this. But then also I don't
know if you remember like last yearand the year before because of the pandemic,
like the sales. I remember lastyear it was like ten percent off
because I was like, I realizedit's not and then they have cyber Monday.
So to me, it's like us, y'all just doing a bunch of
sales. I don't really need tobe rushing nowhere on a Friday morning.
(02:29):
Yeah, I don't really shop likethat for Christmas, especially because every time
I feel like I go shopping,like my bank will like send me a
fraud alert like what are you doing? I'm like, I'm going shopping like
what like and it's like did youprove these purchases? Like, yes,
I prove these purchases, Thank youChase for looking out for me. But
at the same time, like calmdown, so as you listeners know,
(02:51):
I'm a mom and I'm also apsychiatrist. And I actually wanted to start
talking to my son early about mentalhealth, like early, like when he
was younger, because I didn't wantfor him to grow up like me where
I just was. I mean,through no fault of their own, my
parents really just didn't have the languageto talk about mental illness because girl,
(03:14):
please, In the seventies and eighties, when nobody talking about mental health,
it was like it was like please, you better go take anap and you'll
feel better. And mental health waslike oh the crazy psychotes institution, right
exactly? Is okay? Exactly?I mean we we know of the talk,
right, We all black people knowof the talk. And I've given
(03:36):
my son the talk, even thoughhe hasn't he's learning how to drive,
but he hasn't actually got his licenseyet. But I definitely feel like discussing
mental health with our kids from anearly age is one of the talks quote
unquot that we should be having andjust just I guess essentially like have it
(03:58):
as a priority and not away fromit. So today we're going to take
a deep dive into what it's liketo or how really to discuss mental health
with your kids. This is good, This is really good because I will
tell you my son is five,and like my husband, I have prioritized
just letting him have his be andhis feelings because my husband has older children
(04:20):
who are adults now, and hewas just like, yeah, it wasn't
like that when they was little.Yeah, But like when you get older
and you've parented for a while,then you have a different understanding, especially
in this day and age as blackpeople, where it's like, you know,
let people have let your children haveroom to feel their feelings. But
I'm must say okay. Every dayit'd be a struggle. Five, Like
(04:46):
it's a struggle because at five,you know, they toest your boundaries.
Oh yeah, and he's very verbalnow because we've given him the space to
say what he want to say.So every day I'd be like, I
got a total like I'm on thefence sometimes because I'm like, yes,
let him feel his feelings. Butthen when he's like like one time he
said I hate you, I said, oh no, oh no, no,
no, this gentle parents can geta little yeah, no, this
(05:11):
is but this is a black one. I'm not gonna tell you what happened
after that, but I'm gonna justsay the black side of me came out.
And he's never said that again.Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
then we had a we had areal conversation about what hate means, because
clearly he got that from somewhere andit wasn't our home, and it was
right one of these other children thatwe can all imagine who told him that.
But I a Braiden maybe no,his friend Braiden's black. I know
(05:34):
you were just using the nuts,yes in general, but like it just
I had to just be like okay, so like you know, telling the
line of like, you know,at least he says he's he is very
vocal about his feelings. Yeah,mommy, that made me mad. That
made me sad. I don't likethat. Okay, school work is it
makes my heart break like this hetold me. So I was like,
(05:57):
oh lord, we didn't give thisbaby a little too much freedom? Okay,
No, but I mean but Ithink, but I think that's I
think that's really good. Though itis, it is, but you know,
it'll get easier because my son,like y'all have seen him, he's
just he's like, hey, superchill whatever. When he was five,
I was like, yuh, yes, he's black side of me wilding out,
(06:21):
the southern black side of me.Yeah, it needs some work,
but yeah, Like I'm still justlike, Okay, he's five and he's
you're trying to get him to bevocal. Where you know, you want
your children to stand up for themselves. Where do they stand up for themselves
and talk about their feelings if itisn't at home first? Okay? And
speaking of feelings, which I meanobviously this podcast is all about. I
(06:44):
saw that there's a movie coming outcalled American Fiction is directed by Core Jefferson
who used to I think he usedto write for like Jezebel or something.
But anyway, this is like firstI think it's his directorial debut. Oh
nice, Okay, yeah, I'mreally interested. I used to read a
lot of his articles back in theday. But Jeffrey Wright stars, Oh
(07:06):
my god. I loved your him. I loved her West World. I
actually told Peter. I told myboyfriend. I was like, okay,
I have this. I found mylike crush Jeffrey Right, I can see
it. Yeah, he just likenerdy and just like whatever, and plus
like I mean, if I thinkabout it, like he's closer to my
(07:27):
age than like maybe my other crushwould have been yah yah abdul Mateen the
second like, uh yeah, buthe's younger. Yeah yeah yeah, but
I'm like, yeah, he's likenerdy and just he just looks like,
yeah, let's read books all day, which is basically what me and Peter
do. So but but it gotme thinking about this movie that's coming out
(07:47):
next month, and essentially it tellsa story of this this black author who
you know, he's a scholar.He's written like really great books, but
his books aren't moving like they're notreally moving units that his publishers want,
uh, these books to move Andso Jeffrey Wright, his character gets really
irritated. He gets drunk one nighthe writes this book like one of those
(08:11):
kind of like more hood like hoodnovel. Yeah, and he wrote it.
He wrote it like, you know, as a joke, like basically
just to be like listen, likeI told you, like, I'm a
black author, like, so anybook that I write is going to be
a black book. When his publisherslike, well, you know, like
we just I think maybe the audiencewants something a little more black, and
he's like, I'm a I'm black. This is my book, which means
(08:31):
ghetto. Right, So he writesthis book. He writes this book which
is like a Hood novel, andit blows up like huge, and during
the at least in the trailer forthe book excuse me, the trailer for
the movie, he learns that likea film studio wants to wants to wants
the rights to his book, andthey're willing to pay four and a half
(08:52):
million dollars so that all they wantis the ghetto stuff. They want the
ghetto stuff, right, And soit just got me thinking it was actually
something that I posted to my privateInstagram and I made the common essentially that
you know, when when I wason reality show No Surprise, they really
wanted for us to like lean intothe lean into your blackness as we know
(09:18):
it as white people or just nonblack people, and yeah, and it
was, you know, it wasit was very uncomfortable the majority of the
time. Even though I mean Idid I did have some fun on the
show. That was really a verydifficult issue for me, and it kind
of led to like a little alot of like I had like a I
(09:41):
kind of blew up and the productionYeah. Yeah, like one particular time
and I was like I'm not justtalking to you guys for at least like
two days, and you know,like when you're in the middle of filming.
They were like, oh my god, and I was like, no,
like leave me alone. So itjust it just made me think,
like, you know, when itcomes to you know, being black in
America, like you know, makingthat money, Like how far are we
(10:03):
willing to go to get that money? Personally, I prefer to have integrity,
Yeah, yeah, I prefer tobe able to sleep at night and
not be like, oh my Godam I contributing to, like, you
know, just the foolishness and justthe dumbness. I think this is important
because also I think it's an agething as well, because once you get
(10:24):
older, you realize what's important inlife and you're not as easily swayed or
willing to like sell out, yeah, when you're younger. I think,
especially with this generation who's like allinto instant gratification, just being famous.
Yeah, being famous is the careerbecause when I look at especially in the
(10:46):
music industry, this is very bigbecause first of all, especially a lot
of rappers, they don't what Ilearned is a lot of them don't really
live the lives that they're talking about. Glorifies like drugs that glorifies, like
gangst the shooting, that kind ofstuff is glorify as like promiscuity or you
know, like stuff of that nature. And so when I look at these
people, I'm sitting here, likehalf of y'all was like, grew up
(11:07):
in the suburbs. What you're talkingabout, you know about that? You
don't know? Okay, your momand your daddy was both in the house,
so like you, but you rappingabout this. I feel like there's
no room to rap about the truth, which is like what Kanye has done
about like college dropout. You know, I feel like they don't and even
a little bit he got a littletoo truthful. Yeah it's time, but
(11:31):
I feel like when you're honest aboutlike your experience, you know, it's
not for everybody but the people thatit's forwards for. You can't be concerned
with like in the in American fiction, the movie, like, you can't
be concerned with what is going toquote unquote like make pushing us, Yeah,
pushing books. But you just tome, what's for you is for
(11:52):
you. If you're meant to befamous based on your truth, you will
be. You don't have to sellout, like because there's somebody who thinks
that's exactly like you. Actually alot of us think that, Like a
lot of us as black folks,like we do want to maintain our integrity.
Yeah, and unfortunately it's at leastthis is my belief. It's a
smaller minority. Yeah that you know, keep pushing you know, the like
(12:15):
the tropes of like just Verio stereotypicalthings like especially with oh especially these female
rappers and I'm all about female empowerment. But there's a line to me between
female empowerment and just like now you'reselling yourself out. Yeah, yeah,
you're slutting yourself out. Yeah.I'm like, look Low Kim like she
had her legs open, you know, like full pussy shot like this was
(12:39):
back in like what ninety six,ninety seven. You don't have to do
the same exact thing. I'm notsaying that you can't be scandless, you
can't be sexy, but I'm justlike, Okay, so Low Kim did
it, then Nicki Minaj did it. I don't need to see you know
what I'm saying, like your Cameltonpersonal or I mean, what's the name
of the new reper sexy red girl. I don't. I don't know anything
(13:01):
because I'm let's just say it's like, is it like is it like let
me smell your dead my pussy pinkand my booty whole brown? Okay?
You know what I mean? That'sthe one that everyone knows, no do
they? Oh? Yeah, girl? Okay, it's now on tour When
(13:22):
she was on tour with Drake becauseshe came up it seems seemingly she came
out of Nora, but she's shedidn't come out of nor she's been doing.
You know, I think she doesthis to kind of like she knows
what she's doing. She knows herlane, and it is this type of
music and it is this you know, level of ratchetree. But that's where
she chooses to live. So Ican't really be mad at her for that
(13:43):
because she kind of knows what she'sdoing. Yeah, I mean, there's
a time and a place for it. I mean, you know, when
I was growing up, it waslike Millie Jackson. I mean I never
I really didn't know about Millie Jacksonuntil later on because my parents didn't play
it. And then when I didlearn, it was Millie jacks So Millie
Jackson was this like R and Bsinger and she would just make these like
(14:03):
wild ass vaunchy songs like I neverto listen to this. It's like back
in the seventies. I gotta go. I have no idea who she is.
Yeah, yeah, like look herup like she's yeah, she's like
the oh yeah, like kind oflike the sexy red like she would like
she would go there. Even forthen, it was and I'm sure that's
why my parents was like we arenot bringing this in the house, which,
(14:24):
by the way, there was alot of raunchy music back then.
Well saw the documentary about Little Richardgirl. I did not realize that them
songs was about what they was about. Yeah no, yeah, no,
it was full of innuendo. ButI mean people always been nasty. Yeah,
yeah, so which I was actuallysurprised that song, uh uh touty
(14:46):
fruity Yeah. The original lyrics wastouty fruity, good booty. Oh okay,
it was talking about like homosexual becauseI'm like, that is rudy.
I didn't know that. He saidthey changed it because it was too raunchy,
and I was like, shout,you were saying that back in the
fifties. Did not I did notknow that. Oh yeah no, I
love Little Orchard all right. Butyeah, back to the topic, which
(15:07):
is do you have to sell Idon't. I think the answer is no,
you don't have to. But theother part is how it depends on
what you want, and some peoplejust want that instant fame and fortune that
comes with the ratchetree without thinking aboutwhat happened? What does that mean for
your teacher exactly? Because at somepoint you might have kids right. And
(15:28):
also let's remember that like these rappers, like they're really not they're really kind
of living off of their advances.Yeah to a certain degree, So like
they're constantly moving around. Even ifthey have a home, like it's probably
sparsely furnished, you know, becausethey're not really there. Yeah, yeah,
(15:50):
right, exactly. So girl,whatever I mean, I'm I'm just
I'm one for integrity, even thoughI'm older. I guess yeah, I've
always been one for integrity me too, because I've always been like in my
head, you know, I guessI was raised like you carry this last
name on your back, so nomatter what you do, you're always gonna
be a representation. And that thatwas weighed very heavily on me because especially
(16:11):
because I went to a predominantly whiteuniversity. So I was like, oh,
well, I carry the whole Icarry all black people on my back,
right, but I'm in this roomwith two hundred white people and me.
So I kind of always had thathanging with me no matter what I
did, even like sending nudes toboyfriends, you ain't gonna know what's me.
You go see my face, noidentifying tattoos, You're not gonna be
able to master up me figure itout. Yeah, I still don't know
(16:33):
how to work, but that's becausemy mom was too bougie. So it's
fine. I teach a girl,okay, because I'm like, this isn't
moving. I'm just like like,no, you're gonna give yourself a headache
like that. So so anyway,that being said, I can't work.
But if you love the emand stateof my podcast, please rate and review
us on your favorite podcast and ifyou're watching us on YouTube, make sure
(16:56):
you comment about how you're feeling,how you're doing. Like the video and
smash that subscribe button to subscribe toour channel. Yes, we have so
much to discuss as usual, solet's dive right into it after this break.
Okay, so it's time for ourfavorite segment, ask Doctor Emani anything.
We love reading your letters as alwaysand we're ready for more questions.
(17:18):
So Meg, who's our first letterfrom today? All right? Our first
letter comes from a listener by thename of Riley. Hello Riley, Riley
says, I hope this letter findsyou well. I'm writing to you today
because I'm facing a challenging situation that'saffecting both my business and my friendship.
I've been in business with my friendfor a while, and while we've had
some great moments, there's a significantissue that's causing a lot of frustration and
(17:42):
tension in our partnership. The problemI'm dealing with is my business partner's passive
aggressive behavior, which is affecting ourability to effectively communificate and make decisions for
our business. They often make commentsthat are indirect and sarcastic, leaving me
feeling like I'm talking on eggshells aroundthem. This lack of clear communication is
(18:03):
causing a lot of confusion, missedopportunities, and a generally negative atmosphere in
our business. I've tried addressing thisissue with my partner, but it always
seems to lead to more passive aggressivebehavior, and they never seem to acknowledge
the problem. I'm concerned that thissituation is not only detrimental to our business,
but it also is putting a strainon our friendship. It's disheartening because
(18:25):
I value our friendship greatly and iwant our business partnership to thrive. But
I'm not sure how to proceed.I'm at a loss for how to handle
this situation. I want to confrontthe issue and find a way to improve
our communication. But I don't wantto damage our friendship further. How do
I approach my business partner about theirpassive aggressive behavior in a way that can
lead to a constructive resolution? Who'sthis letter by? I'm sorry Riley,
(18:49):
Riley, I'm so bad with names. I'm so sorry, Riley. I
think the best way to address thisis really just the way that you did,
like just lay it out. Likeyou may not, like hi,
a business partner. You may notknow this, but when you do certain
things, it comes off as verypassive aggressive. Maybe you're not aware of
(19:12):
that, And that's why I wantto discuss this with you. Because whatever
relationship you're in, whether it's business, pleasure, personal, family, you've
got to be able to communicate.Yeah, especially this is y'all's livelihood.
Yeah, I know you don't wantto mess up your friendship, but also
it's just your livelihood, you guys. Yeah, so what do you do
with a friend? I mean,you don't really go to like counseling with
(19:33):
your friend, Like, what doyou do if your friends? Really?
Yeah, people go to counseling withtheir friends. I mean I'm sure that.
I mean girl, please, there'slife coaches. It's all kinds of
shit, like yeah, I meanI feel like you you honestly could be
like you know what, like maybewe should like have a few sessions of
therapy or something just to kind ofsee, like I mean, if they're
(19:55):
at an impast Yeah, yeah,yeah, because yeah, I just I
actually I have a business partner.I just started a business recently, like
a new medical corporation, and wetalk like at some point every day,
Like you gotta the communication has tobe open and honest and clear, and
if you don't like something, youneed to say that and not be like,
oh I don't know what I'm doingwhatever. Yeah, So, Riley,
(20:18):
I think the main thing is thatyou just be as honest and open
and clear as you were in theletter. Thanks. And if your business
partner is still a bit resistant,you might want to seek some outside help
maybe. Yeah. I mean Ithink I don't have no information for you.
I'll be honest, okay, okay, because when you it's really hard
to you, like your business partneris passive aggressive, that is just yeah,
(20:42):
like what how do you y'all makingmoney? Because that's why I'm sitting
here, like you don't really goto counseling with them, but you you
absolutely could could you could do this. But if they choose not to,
and they choose to be Like,what's more important in your business or your
friendship? I can't tell you oneof the other because one affects your livelihood
(21:03):
and the other one is like afriend. So yeah, I don't know
which one you pick? Which oneis more important? Yeah, I mean
at least if Riley, you know, talks to to their friend, then
they can you know, maybe theirfriend would be more I guess transparent about
like, oh, well, whenwe were friends, like you know,
things were cool, but now thisbusiness like maybe maybe the business partner has
(21:25):
some like issues in terms of maybenot wanting to express how they really feel
about some girl. I don't know, Riley, if you're a business partner
this letter, yeah, and belike, look, I know how to
tell you or approach you with this. So I wrote in exactly, I
don't know. Maybe just having theconversation. I think it's important. But
Chad, I don't know what youshould do. I'd be honest. Okay,
okay, so okay, So who'sour next letter from? Our next
(21:49):
letter comes from Shante, and Shantesays, dear doctor Emani and beg please
help me with a little work problem. My boss seems to have a knack
for pitting employees against each other,and it's creating a toxic atmosphere in our
workplace. It's frustrating because I believein a healthy, collaborative work environment where
colleagues support each other and work asa team. However, my boss appears
(22:12):
to thrive on creating competition and conflictamong us. My boss often gives mixed
messages and creates situations where we feellike we're in constant battle for their approval
and attention. This divisive behavior hasled to mistrust, resentment, and a
lack of genuine teamwork within our team. Instead of focusing on our tasks and
(22:33):
goals, we're preoccupied with office politicsand trying to outdo one another, which
is affecting our productivity and overall jobsatisfaction. I've tried addressing this issue with
my boss, but it's clear thatthey are either unaware of the harm they're
causing or choose to ignore it.I'm not sure how to navigate this situation
without jeopardizing my own standing in thecompany. What should I do. Okay,
(22:56):
So, Chante, you have aboss that likes pitting employees against each
other. I mean it's it's superthat's super whack. And it also super
screams passive aggressiveness. Yeah, corporatefight club. Yeah, it stays in
corporate fight club. That's kind offun. Actually, yeah, well it
(23:17):
could be. I mean it justit just really kind of sounds like your
boss is like a really shitty,like manipulative person. That sounds like a
very toxic work environment. Yeah,it's not. It's not really cool.
And I don't I guess I don'tknow what gratification your boss has out of
like pitting you guys against each other, but it just seems like, ugh,
(23:38):
So you know, I think chance, maybe the best course of action
for you is to hmm, maybeI was gonna say, talk to other
employees who you know feel the sameway. Yeah, because if you if
you kind of like, if youtalk to somebody who doesn't feel the same
way, then that person's gonna goand run and tell your boss. Your
(24:00):
boss is right. Your boss isthriving on this toxic competitive like environment that
they're creating. Yeah, And Idon't know, I think if there's If
this is a bigger corporation, thenI feel like HR is your friend.
Maybe that's true. Yeah, Butif it's a smaller place, which I
think it is, because I feellike you can't really get away with that
(24:21):
at a bigger, larger like firmthat will keep you accountable, I feel
like you're not. There's probably notan HR that you can go to.
Yea. So my personal belief islike you should say something, but say
something when you're ready to leave.Nothing to you at this point, you're
like, I got another job linedup. Some say what I'm gonna say,
(24:41):
and if for some reason they changeand stay there. But if not,
like you're good to leave because youhave your own stuff happening. But
I would just be just be working. To me, I think everybody should
be working on their exit plan.Don't ever be comfortable at a job so
you don't have a backup. Andwhether that is like your own personal you
know, like you have your ownlittle job on the side, or you
have your own little business on theside, or you're like actively your resume
(25:03):
is out there actively looking for anew job. You should always be one
step ahead. Opinion agreed like this, well, I will say, this
is probably one of the few timesin my life that I haven't had an
exit strategy because I really do likethe place that I work in. But
you have your but you have yourown medical corporation. I do. But
also I'm an independent contractor. Ihave two medical corporations. See that's what
I'm saying. So, like you, you still start a corporation, so
(25:27):
you still have your backup in theevents things go south. I mean I
am a I am a backup.I'm a whole backup. Yeah. Like
I work, I work at aplace not necessarily for them and like on
paper, so but in any case, Chante, Yeah, I just think
that. Yeah you like a lotof times you guys writing these letters,
(25:48):
like we'll often say, like,you know, make sure that you are
looking for another job. Yeah,always Yeah, So I think that's great
advice. Yeah. Well, thankyou Riley and Schantey for sitting your letters
into us. Yeah. So,if you guys have a question or you
just need to save space to shareand get advice, please hit us up
at hello at emanistatedmind dot com.All right, well let's get into this
(26:11):
deep dive right after this. Okay, okay, so let's get into talking
about mental health with our kids.I don't even know like where to begin
with it. So how like whendo you start talking to them and what
kind of things do you say toyour kids about mental health? You know,
I think the best way to doit is to start like very early,
(26:33):
like from the womb. So obviouslyyour kids are not going to be
conversant or really talking until I don'tknow, maybe they're like one, one
and a half. But I doremember with my son that he used to
have a nanny, and his nannywas really big on like like when he
would get frustrated, she would belike, use your words, use your
(26:55):
words, yeah, yeah, yeah, And that was really like that really
kind of helped me as well,because I knew that I didn't want my
son to be as inhibited as Iam with discussing or at least as inhibited
as I was discussing my emotions,and so just something that simple like use
your words is easy to understand,and it also lets the other person know,
(27:22):
or in this case a child,like it's okay to feel frustrated,
but I do want to know what'sgoing on. And also being able to
explain yourself is able, like likeyou are able to basically kind of figure
out, all right, why amI upset? What am I upset about?
It's kind of like thinking out loud, So I would have started really
(27:42):
early, just like boom, likeuse your words. And obviously saying use
your words means that you have toteach your kids some words, right,
Like you have to teach your kidslike this is you know, like when
you're said like, this is howyou can feel. Sometimes you can feel
frustrated, sometimes you can feel mad, sometimes you can feel like there can
be all kinds of emotions associated withsomething that you know, even happiness,
(28:04):
like how do you feel when you'rehappy? Like, oh, I might
feel really like like elevated. Imight feel like really just like a bolliant
I may feel. So it's kindof a way to teach like vocabulary words
to your kids, but it's alsoreally important to really just discuss mental health
with your kids, because as weall know, there's been a stigma in
(28:27):
mental health and even like even withlike you know, older generations, let's
say, like like baby boomers,not all of them, yeah, because
some of them had like really goodexamples of you know, emotional words and
being free and open to discuss themthere, I guess emotional space when they
(28:49):
were growing up. But you know, a lot of that, a lot
of that generation was like, youknow, oh are you Are you sad?
Well, suck it up, right, that's life and and but that's
really what I kind of grew uphearing, like oh are you Is it
really that bad? Like are youstarving? Did you die? You know?
(29:10):
And like no, maybe I didn'tdie, but like, maybe this
is enough to keep me awake atnight. Maybe this is enough to like
maybe if I had an argument withmy friend at school, Like if I
spend the majority of my like wakingday at school, then yeah, that's
going to cause me stress if I'ma child, because then when I get
home, the person who I hadthe argument with isn't there exactly, so
(29:30):
that's not going to be an issue. So yeah, it's really important because
what you'll get in return for notbeing able to discuss your true emotions is
you'll get someone who doesn't feel emotionallyvulnerable, and that can really lead to
your child, let's say, inthis example, not like having a lot
(29:53):
of issues with empathy, because ifyou don't feel safe discussing your mental health,
then you won't be able to makespace for other people discussing their mental
true. I've seen this, yeah, I mean I've seen it because that's
how I grew up. It waslike, I mean, it was like
if if we were mad, thatwas definitely something that we could like freely
(30:15):
express, and if we were happy, like, oh, think, but
everything in between was just kind oflike no, like and not not no,
don't discuss it. But it wasmore so like I just didn't have
the words. And when I wentto therapy, because my mom was a
really big believer in therapy and stillis, we would go to therapy.
(30:36):
I mean I would go to therapy, but I mean I made a career,
let's say, out of sabotaging mytherapy. So so I mean,
being like nine to twelve, youknow, even therapy as an adult,
I just I just really never feltcomfortable being vulnerable until like relatively recently.
Wow. So and I didn't reallyunderstand the power it comes from being vulnerable.
(31:00):
And it really is like taking aweight off of your shoulders, like
it's it's such as it's a reallyfreeing feeling, you know, And if
you think about like think about blackfolks, Like just when we were enslaved
Africans, right or enslaved African Americans, we were taught to be seen and
(31:21):
not heard. So it was like, oh are you Oh did you?
Did you just get like the shitbeat out of you? Well, you
know what, like go suck itup. I don't want to hear about
it. And then like, didyou know, are we going to have
the words to know how to discussit with ourselves? Even? Like no,
exactly, not at all. SoI just didn't want to. I
(31:42):
didn't want to perpetuate a stigma ofmental illness, obviously because I'm a psychiatrist,
but also just for the greater good, Like I'm like, if anybody
should be able to express how theyfeel on the day to day, it
should be black folks. You know, when I thinking about how I grew
up, there really wasn't a spacefor me to express my feelings of a
(32:05):
very Southern like military father who wasjust like do as I say, right,
and that was it. And ifI had a feeling or an opinion
about it, I didn't. Iwasn't allowed to say anything. And it
wasn't until I went to therapy inthe last few years that I realized how
that affected me. I thought like, okay, well fine, like I
just am not allowed to share.But then I realized I'm an oversharer.
Now yeah, no I did.I mean oversharing a lot too much.
(32:29):
Or if somebody asked me a question, I answered their question, I add
a whole bunch of ex God,I'd be too, I'm like, okay,
so first of all, let metell you I was hungry, okay,
right, And the reason I meanthat makes for great podcast at what
we do. But on the flipside, like in my everyday life,
like sometimes the question is really justthe question and it don't need all this
(32:50):
extra stuff, and especially like oh, especially dealing with my husband, because
like, first of all, menaren't the best at like expressing millions of
words, right, As women,we tend to talk more and we say
more things. And so because createdfor us anxietally right, it's okay for
women to talk and express our feelings. So like I realized, when he
asked me something, I'll answer andI'll say all these other things. They'd
(33:12):
be like why you had to doall that? Just I just want to
know this. And like I wastalking to my other friend who's married,
and she was like, girl,get used to it because men are always
just like I just wanted to knowthis and then be like, you know
what, I am right, butexactly what happens, and they just be
like, and that's why I wantshrimp. It's like, what, like,
I did ask all that right?But for us, you know,
(33:35):
especially for me, I feel like, you know, as a woman,
we already have that, but thenI had the avid layer of never feeling
like I was heard. So asan adult, I tend to always share
where nobody really asked me to becauseI didn't have the space when I was
young. So I think part oflike you know, mental health and with
your kids is if you talk tothem and you give them the space to
(33:57):
even say these things even if youdon't agree with it, as long as
they say that, that'll that helpshim later in life. And you know,
even with my son, him andhis many emotions of how school work
be breaking his heart and how likehe just he's like, you know what
it would be, So he's like, what did he tell me the other
day? He was, Oh,this cotton candy that my mom had left
(34:17):
at the house, and I waslike, no, you can't eat that
for breakfast, And he was justlike, oh my god, when I
think about all the times I can'teat cotton candy or marshmallows for breakfast,
what my feelings are just so hurtand it makes me want to run away.
And I just be sitting here like, yo, what is the extent?
What is wrong with you? Ofme allowing this child to let him
(34:38):
express his mean And I just belike, so I just have to say,
like, man, I understand,son, I understood, And then
like I don't really know what todo after that, Like I don't know
what to say when you give yourchildren the space, I guess for them
to express what's going on mentally asa parent, what are you supposed to
do with that? Yeah? Yeah, you're figuring it out. I mean,
(35:01):
like I'm I'm learning as I gobecause the way that I raised my
son is not the way that Iwas raised. And it's it's interesting to
think about because like I mean,back in the eighties, nineties, I
you know, like it's like anyera that we're in, like presently,
you feel like, oh, we'reon like the cutting edge of this,
(35:22):
yeah, girl, oh my god, like that, I mean, it's
it's really archaic to think about justsome of the beliefs that I held because
that's how I was raised. LikeI'm more so was somebody raised to be
like like, you know, yougotta be you gotta be strong, you
can't be vulnerable, like like yougotta just you know, you gotta be
(35:43):
better than everybody else, which doesn'tmake me special, but it definitely,
it definitely was detrimental for me.So one of the things I wanted to
make sure that you guys listening areable to kind of recognize it are,
what are some signs and symptoms ofyour child or maybe a child in your
life having some mental health struggles.And when it comes to kids, a
(36:07):
lot of what you're going to seeis maybe not necessarily emotional, like they
might withdraw, But what you're alsogoing to see are just changes in like
their daily habits, like maybe theywill complain of having like this was my
favorite thing, like oh, mystomach hurts, because it's not something you
(36:28):
can quantify. It was like Ididn't know how to say I need a
break or I don't want to go. I was just like, oh,
my stomach hurts, So you know, my stomach hurts. Then like,
oh I get to lay down,I get to like have like some me
time. Also, like if youjust notice that they're not like they don't
have the same interests in like theirusual activities. Like maybe you know,
(36:51):
I mean eighties kid, I'm surethis was the same for you in the
South. Like I came home,did my homework, I was outside,
like immediately outside. And maybe withyour kids, you know, maybe with
kids these days, it might bethem not wanting to go outside, maybe
they don't want to like play theirgames. Because another thing we have to
consider is that for a lot ofthese children, I would say most,
(37:15):
if not all kids, they havean online life and in a real in
real life and I RL life.Yeah, and they can really like your
online life can impact your for reallife. Oh that is so true.
Yeah, because you know what Ithink. When I was a sophomore in
high school, that was like thebeginning of I guess how it is now
(37:36):
when kids have like two different lives. I was like heavily into the chats
okay, Yahoo chats Okay, Inever was I had a whole persona on
there. I had a whole boyfriend. I never met or talk to you
girl, Okay, I had awhole life, and so then I was
feeling like, you know, Iwould go back to school. I was
feeling like, you know, becausemy little online boyfriend, I had never
met girl that was a grown assman. No no, no, I
(38:00):
actually met him later on, butlike I just when I just think about
it, I was, I wouldgo back to school feeling like I'm so
cute because I had a boyfriend.No good away. I never talked to
this man in my day of mylife. Okay, this whole boy I
never met or talk to, butlike it did affect my everyday life.
And then I think we broke upbecause I don't I don't even know why
(38:20):
we broke up. And then Iwent to school like the next day sad,
like boyfriend anymore. I never metboyfriend, right, So you're right,
there are like two personas, andI think as parents, like we
should be very cognizant of that becauseand it's also very scary. Yeah,
you know, because my son hewas on roadblocks and I had to put
you have to disabled the chatter,everything disabled. Everything had to make it
(38:44):
to where like the only games hecan play are like are technically safe for
all ages but I still have towatch him, so he sits next to
me as he plays it, butlike if I'm not you know. And
then there's adds sometimes like on certaingames, and there's things that he shouldn't
be saying. And I'm like like, yo, this can really cause a
lot of like significant harm mental harmto my child and caused him to feel
(39:06):
a certain way. And so likeyou just as a parent, I think
in this day and age, youhave to be diligent about like what your
kids are actually looking at and seeingand having a conversation about them with it
so that when they encounter these things, they know how to navigate, you
know, bullying even like you know, I mean I want to be like
punched that bully in a face.But at the same time, like usually
(39:27):
bullies are bullied, So like howdo I teach my child to navigate that?
You know? So I think I'mlearning it with my son being five,
Like how to you know, justexpress what he's going through. And
then to also like like the otherday he was like, oh, he
got in trouble. He got introuble because he was supposed to like clean
up and he didn't want to cleanup. He want plays games. So
(39:50):
I was like, well, youcan't play your you can't play on your
iPad. Girl. For the restof the day. He even laid out
on this floor. I noticed it. He laid out on this please God,
yes, oh why? And thenhe was like, I'm such a
bad boy. Oh my god,like I'm such a I said, aunt,
stop right. So the one thingthat I am like real cognizant of
is like speaking positively about yourself.Words are important. So anytime he says
(40:15):
that, or he you know,when he gets in trouble because he did
something he wasn't supposed to do andhe says something negative about himself, I
immediately say something nice about yourself.And sometimes this. The other day we
were in the car and he waslike, I'm such a bad boy.
I said, you better say somethingnice about yourself right now, say it.
And he was like, I'm kind, I'm nice, Oh my god,
(40:37):
I'm happy, so cute. Butat the same time, I was
like, is this like kind ofproductive because now and then he was yelling.
Then he was mad. So hewas like, I'm happy, I'm
healthy. Oh my god, bro, I said, yes, say say
right, testify I'm good. Thereis no such thing as talking bad about
(41:04):
yourself because you're not bad, andI would like, you've had a challenging
day. That's fine, Mommy haschallenges too. It's okay to have challenging,
challenging days, but don't ever sayanything negative about yourself. Like the
world will try to do that toyou, so there's no space for you
to do it to yourself. Yeah, right, No, I'm the same
way. I mean mine was alittle different because I think, like my
(41:25):
my mom grew up with parents thattended to be they I mean, they
definitely love their kids, but couldn'tdisplay some selfishness and so so the things
that my mom, I guess wouldsay to me, she didn't correct me,
so I would I would be like, you know what, I am
the smartest person. So like itwas very like it was very very like
(41:49):
just just egoistical and like, inhindsight, it's just like, oh my
god, but I mean whatever,I was like eight, so like,
what are you going to do?Exactly? But no, I love that.
I love the fact that, likethere was a time I remember saying
out loud like, well, whatever'sjust words, but like, but words
really, they're important. They're important, and why did I say that because
I grew up with people that toldme like, well, they're just words.
(42:10):
They can't hurt you, like sticksand stones may break your bones,
but words will never hurt you.It's like, well, now we know
that that's really not that's completely completelyopposite, very true. Yeah. So,
I mean essentially with kids. Anotherthing is so I discussed a little
bit about like maybe some signs thatthey were stressed. I mean, you
(42:30):
know your kid the best exactly,but I think, honestly, like if
you're able to create that space thatsave space for them and discuss how they
feel, then they won't Your kidwon't feel the need to resort to like
I don't want to talk about it, or if my stomach hurts or I
have a headache, or like Iwould just shut down, Like I would
(42:51):
shut down for like days, likelike you mind what's going on? Like
I don't want to talk about it, and like because I really just didn't
know how to say it. BecauseI didn't know how to say it,
it made me feel like embarrassed.Yeah, so I'm gonna teach my kids
to write it. Fine, youdon't want to say it, but you
got to write it. Write it. Out and maybe if you want me
to read it, that's fine.If not, you have to write it
out exactly, got to get itout. Yeah, it's so it's really
(43:14):
really important that you know, it'sreally really important that we just are able
to create that space for our kidsand that our kids feel safe with us.
And and empathy is please this worldis I want. I don't want
to say this world is short onempathy, but but I've seen there's been
a little too much lack of empathylately. I agree, and I think
(43:37):
empathy would really help all of usout collectively. So anyway, so everybody,
that's it for our deep dive.I hope you guys learned a lot
from talking about kids and breaking mentalhealth stigma and creating safe spaces for them.
Yes, and all else fields,say something nice about yourself. My
(43:59):
last segment pop culture diagnosis. Yes, okay mech let's get into our pop
culture diagnosis for this week. Soplease give our listeners a quick synopsis of
the HBO show Euphoria. I actuallylove Euphoria. I never saw it because
I was like, this seems likeeven I was like, this seems like
(44:20):
too much for me. You knowwhat, I think for you though,
it would be good for you towatch it because it's very much a show
that deals with stuff that like highschoolers are dealing with, ye and like
because we're not that young, right, it helped me understand some stuff and
I'm like, oh my gosh,these kids are dealing with like a lot
of adult stuff. But I thinkit's important to watch because I know,
I was, like, what highschool they're talking about? I know they
(44:43):
are, So it is good fromthat perspective, so you can kind of
have like insight into what younger kidsdeal with these days. Yeah. So
Euphoria definitely is about a group ofhigh school students and they're navigating love and
friendship, addiction, trauma, andjust like their identity in this modern day
age. It's really like they dealwith substance abuse, yeah, mental health,
(45:07):
just just a bunch of complexities thatthat high schoolers deal with. So
yeah, Zendaya, I love.She plays the lead role of Roue,
a seventeen year old recovering drug addict. Now, if it was your patient,
how would you diagnose her? Ohmy god? The fact that ru
was seventeen Okay, first of allthe fact that like I saw this clip
of Rude talking about like, oh, on my first day of high school
(45:29):
when I was in ninth grade,I was really nervous because I had just
gotten out of rehab. What like, wait already? What what? I'm
like, girl, what are whatyou? What you been doing? I'm
like, where are you been gettingthese drugs from? I remember when I
first saw that, the first thingI thought was you have a very wide
experience. Yeah yeah, yeah,which is kind of sad, because rehabits
(45:49):
for anybody. But I was athinking, like, ninth grade and you
went rehab, Yeah, but isn'tBut like her mom is black on the
show and her dad is white.Yeah, so so, but we do
learn that Rue's dad passed away,and so I'm guessing that this was maybe
not the impetus for her to getinto drug use, but it definitely played
(46:09):
a factor. Yeah, I thinkit kind of like accelerated it, you
know, just because again an addiction, people tend to hide from or you
know, ease the pain of what'sgoing on in your life. And losing
your father at such a young ageand I think he died from like cancer,
and like having to see that,yeah, you know that hurts,
and if you feel like you don'thave outlets, sometimes you go turn to
(46:30):
drugs, and it's a very realisticstory. I'm sure there's a lot of
kids that can relate to ru inthat regard. Yeah, I mean I
feel like I went to school maybewith kids that were like I didn't really
like hang out with them because whenI was in high school, I graduated
in nineteen ninety three and I rememberlearning really like really late that like a
(46:53):
number of people at my school werelike abusing heroin because it was this was
like Nirvana, like Runge, likelike you know, k Kurt Cobain,
And I was like, y'all areshooting heroine? What like I had like
because back then for me, likeeverything like anything was a gateway drug anything
(47:16):
like there was no marijuana, therewas no it was because everything I was
like, oh my god, ifyou smoke smoke weed, that's gonna lead
to crack, which is like,I mean, I've never done cracked,
to have no desire to do crack, but I smoke a lot of weed.
So let's talk about Rue. SoRue is going through a lot,
(47:37):
and you know Zendia, that's myname. Zendia is along with being an
executive producer, fantastic actress. Aswe know, she really like she really
remindsed me of and this is showingmy age, but fast times in Ridge
am my high. She really remindsme of like the the female version of
(48:00):
Sean Penn's like stoner character, butlike with a much darker turn. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, because he waslike Sean Pan's character was just like
what everybody and like ordering pizza whilehe was at school and like that was
like a big deal. But like, I'm like, this girl is really
really like she is on the realdrugs, like some for real drugs and
(48:20):
the little I remember I caught thetail end of Euphoria one time and it
was a scene where Rue was likeshe was she was fucked up, like
she was high and she almost gotraped by this dude, and I was
just like, what the hell isthis like show, like, oh my
(48:40):
god, this show is crazy.But I mean, you know, I
would say then when it comes toto Rue that she is definitely dealing with
depression at the very least, Idon't know if she deals with the opposite
of depression. Maybe she's made.I did see a scene where she was
like, I'm a genius I'm agenius, Mam, I'm a genius.
(49:01):
And she might have been high ondrugs, but that also could be kind
of like maybe some bipolar stuff goingon. But yeah, like I saw
a lot of I saw a lotof scenes of rule like running into doors,
yeah, like getting like a lotof physical comedy. But like she
was so high, and her mom, who is played by black woman on
(49:27):
the show, she you know,like she tries to she tries to talk
to Rue but whatever it is,Like Rude definitely is somebody that I think,
at least in that household, likeshe has a lot of emotions that
she just wasn't able or hasn't beenable to get out. And so like
you said, she turns to likereally really bad street drugs. And then
(49:49):
I think it shows like a flashbackwhen she was like you know, early
on they said she had I guessyou know, she was like elementary school.
They said she had like adhd ye, you know, some other if
she And so I'm wondering if,like how all of that transpired, how
her parents, Like is there anythingthey could have done differently in her life?
Yeah? You know, yeah,I mean I can to help her
(50:12):
to not be as addicted to thesedrugs as she is, or to turn
to drugs. Yeah, I meanquite honestly. I mean if you think
about it, if you have beendiagnosed with add or ADHD as a child,
medication may be recommended for you.Yeah, And so you know,
now you have like ritolin or adderallor you have these stimulants that if you
truly have add or ADHD, willhelp you. But they can also if
(50:36):
the dose is too high, theycan leave you like stimulated. And like
so a lot of people also withadd or ADHD, they may have anxiety,
like, oh God, I gotto go to school and I'm supposed
to like concentrate, but it's hardfor me to concentrate. And so really
Rue is just looking for some semblanceof peace, and that's what drugs give
to her. But then they don'tbecause then the rest of her life is
(50:59):
yeah, mess, a mess.So yeah, I would diagnose Rue with
at the very least oppression. Andshe has well what used to be called
polysubstance abuse disorder, like I don'tknow how many drugs she's taking a lot
of different but she's taking a lotof different a lot of different drugs.
(51:22):
So but fantastic performance. But Bizendayalike, girl, you you're killing it
out here. So yeah, andI think I mean her life I think
is one that a lot of kids. Yeah. So I think it's really
good that that it is shown onthis show. I just hope people decide
not to do drugs. Yeah,anymore, especially at a younger age.
Yeah. Yeah, really if youbreaks my heart that you're in such a
(51:45):
dark place that you feel like thisis the only thing that will give me
peace. Yeah, yes, don'tdo drugs. But if you do,
wait until you're in your twenties,because then your brain's fully developed. But
you know, don't do drugs,stay in school. Okay. Yeah.
So anyway, that's it for ourpop culture diagnosis this week. So we're
gonna have another fun character to analyzenext week in our next episode. If
(52:08):
you have any fictional characters suggestions you'dlike for us to diagnose, hit doctor
Emani up on x formerly known asTwitter at Doctor Underscore Emani. You can
hit me up on Instagram at MegScoop, or you can email us both
at Hello at emanistateomind dot com andone more plug. If you love us
and you love the show, wouldyou do please remember to rate and review
(52:30):
us on your favorite podcast app.If you're watching us on YouTube like this
video, leave us a comment abouthow you're doing. You can even just
be like hey girl, and thatwould be great and subscribe to our channel.
We appreciate the love and we appreciateyou too, yes, yay.
Thanks for tuning in, you guys. Bye,
Hey, everybody, I'm doctor Emaniand I make scoob gyus. What's your
favorite part about Thanksgiving? Macaroni andcheese and stuffing. So if there's wait,
wait, okay, out of thesemacaroni, cheese and stuffing, Okay,
one must go mac and cheese,stuffing, sweet potatoes or turkey turkey
(00:37):
really yeah, I don't really eatturkey on Thanksgiving me. Have you ever
had a fried turkey? Yeah,girl, I'll eat the skin, you
know, like I'll totally eat theskin. I would get rid of stuffing
if there was oven turkey, ifit's like turkey like that. Well,
not if it's oven turkey, Idon't like because those tend to be just
(00:59):
a little bit on the dryer sidefor me, even the ones that here
juicy. But when you've had afried turkey, back gotta stay. So
then I would get rid of stuffingif it was fried turkey, sweet potatoes,
mac and cheese and stuff that's reallylike, that's really my plate.
I'll take like turkey skin, likeme and my son will fight over the
skin, like where the neck isthat little like neck? Yeah, so
(01:21):
turkey skin, stuffing, cranberry sauce, macaroni, and cheese gravy and like,
I'm done. Wait, so youcall it stuff because my family we
usually call it dressing. I thinkthat's like a Southern thing. Also,
I think what's in it? BecauseI know at least the dressing I've had
has like corn meal in it,but the stuffing is more like bread based.
Yeah, I mean I kind oflike it all to be. I
(01:41):
don't. Yeah, I don't reallycare. Do you do? Like,
are you into the whole like BlackFriday shopping or no? I don't either
because I feel like this, Idon't. I don't think there's really anything
I really need. I think ifI needed like a TV or something,
maybe I would be into like orlike anything like tech related. But other
than that, I don't really shopin person anymore. I don't either.
(02:04):
Well, I was saying, becauseyou know they do the deals online now,
Yeah, exactly, they're just kindof like, oh, well,
people don't really need to come infor this. But then also I don't
know if you remember like last yearand the year before because of the pandemic,
like the sales. I remember lastyear it was like ten percent off
because I was like, I realizedit's not and then they have cyber Monday.
So to me, it's like us, y'all just doing a bunch of
sales. I don't really need tobe rushing nowhere on a Friday morning.
(02:29):
Yeah, I don't really shop likethat for Christmas, especially because every time
I feel like I go shopping,like my bank will like send me a
fraud alert like what are you doing? I'm like, I'm going shopping like
what like and it's like did youprove these purchases? Like, yes,
I prove these purchases, Thank youChase for looking out for me. But
at the same time, like calmdown, so as you listeners know,
(02:51):
I'm a mom and I'm also apsychiatrist. And I actually wanted to start
talking to my son early about mentalhealth, like early, like when he
was younger, because I didn't wantfor him to grow up like me where
I just was. I mean,through no fault of their own, my
parents really just didn't have the languageto talk about mental illness because girl,
(03:14):
please, In the seventies and eighties, when nobody talking about mental health,
it was like it was like please, you better go take anap and you'll
feel better. And mental health waslike oh the crazy psychotes institution, right
exactly? Is okay? Exactly?I mean we we know of the talk,
right, We all black people knowof the talk. And I've given
(03:36):
my son the talk, even thoughhe hasn't he's learning how to drive,
but he hasn't actually got his licenseyet. But I definitely feel like discussing
mental health with our kids from anearly age is one of the talks quote
unquot that we should be having andjust just I guess essentially like have it
(03:58):
as a priority and not away fromit. So today we're going to take
a deep dive into what it's liketo or how really to discuss mental health
with your kids. This is good, This is really good because I will
tell you my son is five,and like my husband, I have prioritized
just letting him have his be andhis feelings because my husband has older children
(04:20):
who are adults now, and hewas just like, yeah, it wasn't
like that when they was little.Yeah, But like when you get older
and you've parented for a while,then you have a different understanding, especially
in this day and age as blackpeople, where it's like, you know,
let people have let your children haveroom to feel their feelings. But
I'm must say okay. Every dayit'd be a struggle. Five, Like
(04:46):
it's a struggle because at five,you know, they toest your boundaries.
Oh yeah, and he's very verbalnow because we've given him the space to
say what he want to say.So every day I'd be like, I
got a total like I'm on thefence sometimes because I'm like, yes,
let him feel his feelings. Butthen when he's like like one time he
said I hate you, I said, oh no, oh no, no,
no, this gentle parents can geta little yeah, no, this
(05:11):
is but this is a black one. I'm not gonna tell you what happened
after that, but I'm gonna justsay the black side of me came out.
And he's never said that again.Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
then we had a we had areal conversation about what hate means, because
clearly he got that from somewhere andit wasn't our home, and it was
right one of these other children thatwe can all imagine who told him that.
But I a Braiden maybe no,his friend Braiden's black. I know
(05:34):
you were just using the nuts,yes in general, but like it just
I had to just be like okay, so like you know, telling the
line of like, you know,at least he says he's he is very
vocal about his feelings. Yeah,mommy, that made me mad. That
made me sad. I don't likethat. Okay, school work is it
makes my heart break like this hetold me. So I was like,
(05:57):
oh lord, we didn't give thisbaby a little too much freedom? Okay,
No, but I mean but Ithink, but I think that's I
think that's really good. Though itis, it is, but you know,
it'll get easier because my son,like y'all have seen him, he's
just he's like, hey, superchill whatever. When he was five,
I was like, yuh, yes, he's black side of me wilding out,
(06:21):
the southern black side of me.Yeah, it needs some work,
but yeah, Like I'm still justlike, Okay, he's five and he's
you're trying to get him to bevocal. Where you know, you want
your children to stand up for themselves. Where do they stand up for themselves
and talk about their feelings if itisn't at home first? Okay? And
speaking of feelings, which I meanobviously this podcast is all about. I
(06:44):
saw that there's a movie coming outcalled American Fiction is directed by Core Jefferson
who used to I think he usedto write for like Jezebel or something.
But anyway, this is like firstI think it's his directorial debut. Oh
nice, Okay, yeah, I'mreally interested. I used to read a
lot of his articles back in theday. But Jeffrey Wright stars, Oh
(07:06):
my god. I loved your him. I loved her West World. I
actually told Peter. I told myboyfriend. I was like, okay,
I have this. I found mylike crush Jeffrey Right, I can see
it. Yeah, he just likenerdy and just like whatever, and plus
like I mean, if I thinkabout it, like he's closer to my
(07:27):
age than like maybe my other crushwould have been yah yah abdul Mateen the
second like, uh yeah, buthe's younger. Yeah yeah yeah, but
I'm like, yeah, he's likenerdy and just he just looks like,
yeah, let's read books all day, which is basically what me and Peter
do. So but but it gotme thinking about this movie that's coming out
(07:47):
next month, and essentially it tellsa story of this this black author who
you know, he's a scholar.He's written like really great books, but
his books aren't moving like they're notreally moving units that his publishers want,
uh, these books to move Andso Jeffrey Wright, his character gets really
irritated. He gets drunk one nighthe writes this book like one of those
(08:11):
kind of like more hood like hoodnovel. Yeah, and he wrote it.
He wrote it like, you know, as a joke, like basically
just to be like listen, likeI told you, like, I'm a
black author, like, so anybook that I write is going to be
a black book. When his publisherslike, well, you know, like
we just I think maybe the audiencewants something a little more black, and
he's like, I'm a I'm black. This is my book, which means
(08:31):
ghetto. Right, So he writesthis book. He writes this book which
is like a Hood novel, andit blows up like huge, and during
the at least in the trailer forthe book excuse me, the trailer for
the movie, he learns that likea film studio wants to wants to wants
the rights to his book, andthey're willing to pay four and a half
(08:52):
million dollars so that all they wantis the ghetto stuff. They want the
ghetto stuff, right, And soit just got me thinking it was actually
something that I posted to my privateInstagram and I made the common essentially that
you know, when when I wason reality show No Surprise, they really
wanted for us to like lean intothe lean into your blackness as we know
(09:18):
it as white people or just nonblack people, and yeah, and it
was, you know, it wasit was very uncomfortable the majority of the
time. Even though I mean Idid I did have some fun on the
show. That was really a verydifficult issue for me, and it kind
of led to like a little alot of like I had like a I
(09:41):
kind of blew up and the productionYeah. Yeah, like one particular time
and I was like I'm not justtalking to you guys for at least like
two days, and you know,like when you're in the middle of filming.
They were like, oh my god, and I was like, no,
like leave me alone. So itjust it just made me think,
like, you know, when itcomes to you know, being black in
America, like you know, makingthat money, Like how far are we
(10:03):
willing to go to get that money? Personally, I prefer to have integrity,
Yeah, yeah, I prefer tobe able to sleep at night and
not be like, oh my Godam I contributing to, like, you
know, just the foolishness and justthe dumbness. I think this is important
because also I think it's an agething as well, because once you get
(10:24):
older, you realize what's important inlife and you're not as easily swayed or
willing to like sell out, yeah, when you're younger. I think,
especially with this generation who's like allinto instant gratification, just being famous.
Yeah, being famous is the careerbecause when I look at especially in the
(10:46):
music industry, this is very bigbecause first of all, especially a lot
of rappers, they don't what Ilearned is a lot of them don't really
live the lives that they're talking about. Glorifies like drugs that glorifies, like
gangst the shooting, that kind ofstuff is glorify as like promiscuity or you
know, like stuff of that nature. And so when I look at these
people, I'm sitting here, likehalf of y'all was like, grew up
(11:07):
in the suburbs. What you're talkingabout, you know about that? You
don't know? Okay, your momand your daddy was both in the house,
so like you, but you rappingabout this. I feel like there's
no room to rap about the truth, which is like what Kanye has done
about like college dropout. You know, I feel like they don't and even
a little bit he got a littletoo truthful. Yeah it's time, but
(11:31):
I feel like when you're honest aboutlike your experience, you know, it's
not for everybody but the people thatit's forwards for. You can't be concerned
with like in the in American fiction, the movie, like, you can't
be concerned with what is going toquote unquote like make pushing us, Yeah,
pushing books. But you just tome, what's for you is for
(11:52):
you. If you're meant to befamous based on your truth, you will
be. You don't have to sellout, like because there's somebody who thinks
that's exactly like you. Actually alot of us think that, Like a
lot of us as black folks,like we do want to maintain our integrity.
Yeah, and unfortunately it's at leastthis is my belief. It's a
smaller minority. Yeah that you know, keep pushing you know, the like
(12:15):
the tropes of like just Verio stereotypicalthings like especially with oh especially these female
rappers and I'm all about female empowerment. But there's a line to me between
female empowerment and just like now you'reselling yourself out. Yeah, yeah,
you're slutting yourself out. Yeah.I'm like, look Low Kim like she
had her legs open, you know, like full pussy shot like this was
(12:39):
back in like what ninety six,ninety seven. You don't have to do
the same exact thing. I'm notsaying that you can't be scandless, you
can't be sexy, but I'm justlike, Okay, so Low Kim did
it, then Nicki Minaj did it. I don't need to see you know
what I'm saying, like your Cameltonpersonal or I mean, what's the name
of the new reper sexy red girl. I don't. I don't know anything
(13:01):
because I'm let's just say it's like, is it like is it like let
me smell your dead my pussy pinkand my booty whole brown? Okay?
You know what I mean? That'sthe one that everyone knows, no do
they? Oh? Yeah, girl? Okay, it's now on tour When
(13:22):
she was on tour with Drake becauseshe came up it seems seemingly she came
out of Nora, but she's shedidn't come out of nor she's been doing.
You know, I think she doesthis to kind of like she knows
what she's doing. She knows herlane, and it is this type of
music and it is this you know, level of ratchetree. But that's where
she chooses to live. So Ican't really be mad at her for that
(13:43):
because she kind of knows what she'sdoing. Yeah, I mean, there's
a time and a place for it. I mean, you know, when
I was growing up, it waslike Millie Jackson. I mean I never
I really didn't know about Millie Jacksonuntil later on because my parents didn't play
it. And then when I didlearn, it was Millie jacks So Millie
Jackson was this like R and Bsinger and she would just make these like
(14:03):
wild ass vaunchy songs like I neverto listen to this. It's like back
in the seventies. I gotta go. I have no idea who she is.
Yeah, yeah, like look herup like she's yeah, she's like
the oh yeah, like kind oflike the sexy red like she would like
she would go there. Even forthen, it was and I'm sure that's
why my parents was like we arenot bringing this in the house, which,
(14:24):
by the way, there was alot of raunchy music back then.
Well saw the documentary about Little Richardgirl. I did not realize that them
songs was about what they was about. Yeah no, yeah, no,
it was full of innuendo. ButI mean people always been nasty. Yeah,
yeah, so which I was actuallysurprised that song, uh uh touty
(14:46):
fruity Yeah. The original lyrics wastouty fruity, good booty. Oh okay,
it was talking about like homosexual becauseI'm like, that is rudy.
I didn't know that. He saidthey changed it because it was too raunchy,
and I was like, shout,you were saying that back in the
fifties. Did not I did notknow that. Oh yeah no, I
love Little Orchard all right. Butyeah, back to the topic, which
(15:07):
is do you have to sell Idon't. I think the answer is no,
you don't have to. But theother part is how it depends on
what you want, and some peoplejust want that instant fame and fortune that
comes with the ratchetree without thinking aboutwhat happened? What does that mean for
your teacher exactly? Because at somepoint you might have kids right. And
(15:28):
also let's remember that like these rappers, like they're really not they're really kind
of living off of their advances.Yeah to a certain degree, So like
they're constantly moving around. Even ifthey have a home, like it's probably
sparsely furnished, you know, becausethey're not really there. Yeah, yeah,
(15:50):
right, exactly. So girl,whatever I mean, I'm I'm just
I'm one for integrity, even thoughI'm older. I guess yeah, I've
always been one for integrity me too, because I've always been like in my
head, you know, I guessI was raised like you carry this last
name on your back, so nomatter what you do, you're always gonna
be a representation. And that thatwas weighed very heavily on me because especially
(16:11):
because I went to a predominantly whiteuniversity. So I was like, oh,
well, I carry the whole Icarry all black people on my back,
right, but I'm in this roomwith two hundred white people and me.
So I kind of always had thathanging with me no matter what I
did, even like sending nudes toboyfriends, you ain't gonna know what's me.
You go see my face, noidentifying tattoos, You're not gonna be
able to master up me figure itout. Yeah, I still don't know
(16:33):
how to work, but that's becausemy mom was too bougie. So it's
fine. I teach a girl,okay, because I'm like, this isn't
moving. I'm just like like,no, you're gonna give yourself a headache
like that. So so anyway,that being said, I can't work.
But if you love the emand stateof my podcast, please rate and review
us on your favorite podcast and ifyou're watching us on YouTube, make sure
(16:56):
you comment about how you're feeling,how you're doing. Like the video and
smash that subscribe button to subscribe toour channel. Yes, we have so
much to discuss as usual, solet's dive right into it after this break.
Okay, so it's time for ourfavorite segment, ask Doctor Emani anything.
We love reading your letters as alwaysand we're ready for more questions.
(17:18):
So Meg, who's our first letterfrom today? All right? Our first
letter comes from a listener by thename of Riley. Hello Riley, Riley
says, I hope this letter findsyou well. I'm writing to you today
because I'm facing a challenging situation that'saffecting both my business and my friendship.
I've been in business with my friendfor a while, and while we've had
some great moments, there's a significantissue that's causing a lot of frustration and
(17:42):
tension in our partnership. The problemI'm dealing with is my business partner's passive
aggressive behavior, which is affecting ourability to effectively communificate and make decisions for
our business. They often make commentsthat are indirect and sarcastic, leaving me
feeling like I'm talking on eggshells aroundthem. This lack of clear communication is
(18:03):
causing a lot of confusion, missedopportunities, and a generally negative atmosphere in
our business. I've tried addressing thisissue with my partner, but it always
seems to lead to more passive aggressivebehavior, and they never seem to acknowledge
the problem. I'm concerned that thissituation is not only detrimental to our business,
but it also is putting a strainon our friendship. It's disheartening because
(18:25):
I value our friendship greatly and iwant our business partnership to thrive. But
I'm not sure how to proceed.I'm at a loss for how to handle
this situation. I want to confrontthe issue and find a way to improve
our communication. But I don't wantto damage our friendship further. How do
I approach my business partner about theirpassive aggressive behavior in a way that can
lead to a constructive resolution? Who'sthis letter by? I'm sorry Riley,
(18:49):
Riley, I'm so bad with names. I'm so sorry, Riley. I
think the best way to address thisis really just the way that you did,
like just lay it out. Likeyou may not, like hi,
a business partner. You may notknow this, but when you do certain
things, it comes off as verypassive aggressive. Maybe you're not aware of
(19:12):
that, And that's why I wantto discuss this with you. Because whatever
relationship you're in, whether it's business, pleasure, personal, family, you've
got to be able to communicate.Yeah, especially this is y'all's livelihood.
Yeah, I know you don't wantto mess up your friendship, but also
it's just your livelihood, you guys. Yeah, so what do you do
with a friend? I mean,you don't really go to like counseling with
(19:33):
your friend, Like, what doyou do if your friends? Really?
Yeah, people go to counseling withtheir friends. I mean I'm sure that.
I mean girl, please, there'slife coaches. It's all kinds of
shit, like yeah, I meanI feel like you you honestly could be
like you know what, like maybewe should like have a few sessions of
therapy or something just to kind ofsee, like I mean, if they're
(19:55):
at an impast Yeah, yeah,yeah, because yeah, I just I
actually I have a business partner.I just started a business recently, like
a new medical corporation, and wetalk like at some point every day,
Like you gotta the communication has tobe open and honest and clear, and
if you don't like something, youneed to say that and not be like,
oh I don't know what I'm doingwhatever. Yeah, So, Riley,
(20:18):
I think the main thing is thatyou just be as honest and open
and clear as you were in theletter. Thanks. And if your business
partner is still a bit resistant,you might want to seek some outside help
maybe. Yeah. I mean Ithink I don't have no information for you.
I'll be honest, okay, okay, because when you it's really hard
to you, like your business partneris passive aggressive, that is just yeah,
(20:42):
like what how do you y'all makingmoney? Because that's why I'm sitting
here, like you don't really goto counseling with them, but you you
absolutely could could you could do this. But if they choose not to,
and they choose to be Like,what's more important in your business or your
friendship? I can't tell you oneof the other because one affects your livelihood
(21:03):
and the other one is like afriend. So yeah, I don't know
which one you pick? Which oneis more important? Yeah, I mean
at least if Riley, you know, talks to to their friend, then
they can you know, maybe theirfriend would be more I guess transparent about
like, oh, well, whenwe were friends, like you know,
things were cool, but now thisbusiness like maybe maybe the business partner has
(21:25):
some like issues in terms of maybenot wanting to express how they really feel
about some girl. I don't know, Riley, if you're a business partner
this letter, yeah, and belike, look, I know how to
tell you or approach you with this. So I wrote in exactly, I
don't know. Maybe just having theconversation. I think it's important. But
Chad, I don't know what youshould do. I'd be honest. Okay,
okay, so okay, So who'sour next letter from? Our next
(21:49):
letter comes from Shante, and Shantesays, dear doctor Emani and beg please
help me with a little work problem. My boss seems to have a knack
for pitting employees against each other,and it's creating a toxic atmosphere in our
workplace. It's frustrating because I believein a healthy, collaborative work environment where
colleagues support each other and work asa team. However, my boss appears
(22:12):
to thrive on creating competition and conflictamong us. My boss often gives mixed
messages and creates situations where we feellike we're in constant battle for their approval
and attention. This divisive behavior hasled to mistrust, resentment, and a
lack of genuine teamwork within our team. Instead of focusing on our tasks and
(22:33):
goals, we're preoccupied with office politicsand trying to outdo one another, which
is affecting our productivity and overall jobsatisfaction. I've tried addressing this issue with
my boss, but it's clear thatthey are either unaware of the harm they're
causing or choose to ignore it.I'm not sure how to navigate this situation
without jeopardizing my own standing in thecompany. What should I do. Okay,
(22:56):
So, Chante, you have aboss that likes pitting employees against each
other. I mean it's it's superthat's super whack. And it also super
screams passive aggressiveness. Yeah, corporatefight club. Yeah, it stays in
corporate fight club. That's kind offun. Actually, yeah, well it
(23:17):
could be. I mean it justit just really kind of sounds like your
boss is like a really shitty,like manipulative person. That sounds like a
very toxic work environment. Yeah,it's not. It's not really cool.
And I don't I guess I don'tknow what gratification your boss has out of
like pitting you guys against each other, but it just seems like, ugh,
(23:38):
So you know, I think chance, maybe the best course of action
for you is to hmm, maybeI was gonna say, talk to other
employees who you know feel the sameway. Yeah, because if you if
you kind of like, if youtalk to somebody who doesn't feel the same
way, then that person's gonna goand run and tell your boss. Your
(24:00):
boss is right. Your boss isthriving on this toxic competitive like environment that
they're creating. Yeah, And Idon't know, I think if there's If
this is a bigger corporation, thenI feel like HR is your friend.
Maybe that's true. Yeah, Butif it's a smaller place, which I
think it is, because I feellike you can't really get away with that
(24:21):
at a bigger, larger like firmthat will keep you accountable, I feel
like you're not. There's probably notan HR that you can go to.
Yea. So my personal belief islike you should say something, but say
something when you're ready to leave.Nothing to you at this point, you're
like, I got another job linedup. Some say what I'm gonna say,
(24:41):
and if for some reason they changeand stay there. But if not,
like you're good to leave because youhave your own stuff happening. But
I would just be just be working. To me, I think everybody should
be working on their exit plan.Don't ever be comfortable at a job so
you don't have a backup. Andwhether that is like your own personal you
know, like you have your ownlittle job on the side, or you
have your own little business on theside, or you're like actively your resume
(25:03):
is out there actively looking for anew job. You should always be one
step ahead. Opinion agreed like this, well, I will say, this
is probably one of the few timesin my life that I haven't had an
exit strategy because I really do likethe place that I work in. But
you have your but you have yourown medical corporation. I do. But
also I'm an independent contractor. Ihave two medical corporations. See that's what
I'm saying. So, like you, you still start a corporation, so
(25:27):
you still have your backup in theevents things go south. I mean I
am a I am a backup.I'm a whole backup. Yeah. Like
I work, I work at aplace not necessarily for them and like on
paper, so but in any case, Chante, Yeah, I just think
that. Yeah you like a lotof times you guys writing these letters,
(25:48):
like we'll often say, like,you know, make sure that you are
looking for another job. Yeah,always Yeah, So I think that's great
advice. Yeah. Well, thankyou Riley and Schantey for sitting your letters
into us. Yeah. So,if you guys have a question or you
just need to save space to shareand get advice, please hit us up
at hello at emanistatedmind dot com.All right, well let's get into this
(26:11):
deep dive right after this. Okay, okay, so let's get into talking
about mental health with our kids.I don't even know like where to begin
with it. So how like whendo you start talking to them and what
kind of things do you say toyour kids about mental health? You know,
I think the best way to doit is to start like very early,
(26:33):
like from the womb. So obviouslyyour kids are not going to be
conversant or really talking until I don'tknow, maybe they're like one, one
and a half. But I doremember with my son that he used to
have a nanny, and his nannywas really big on like like when he
would get frustrated, she would belike, use your words, use your
(26:55):
words, yeah, yeah, yeah, And that was really like that really
kind of helped me as well,because I knew that I didn't want my
son to be as inhibited as Iam with discussing or at least as inhibited
as I was discussing my emotions,and so just something that simple like use
your words is easy to understand,and it also lets the other person know,
(27:22):
or in this case a child,like it's okay to feel frustrated,
but I do want to know what'sgoing on. And also being able to
explain yourself is able, like likeyou are able to basically kind of figure
out, all right, why amI upset? What am I upset about?
It's kind of like thinking out loud, So I would have started really
(27:42):
early, just like boom, likeuse your words. And obviously saying use
your words means that you have toteach your kids some words, right,
Like you have to teach your kidslike this is you know, like when
you're said like, this is howyou can feel. Sometimes you can feel
frustrated, sometimes you can feel mad, sometimes you can feel like there can
be all kinds of emotions associated withsomething that you know, even happiness,
(28:04):
like how do you feel when you'rehappy? Like, oh, I might
feel really like like elevated. Imight feel like really just like a bolliant
I may feel. So it's kindof a way to teach like vocabulary words
to your kids, but it's alsoreally important to really just discuss mental health
with your kids, because as weall know, there's been a stigma in
(28:27):
mental health and even like even withlike you know, older generations, let's
say, like like baby boomers,not all of them, yeah, because
some of them had like really goodexamples of you know, emotional words and
being free and open to discuss themthere, I guess emotional space when they
(28:49):
were growing up. But you know, a lot of that, a lot
of that generation was like, youknow, oh are you Are you sad?
Well, suck it up, right, that's life and and but that's
really what I kind of grew uphearing, like oh are you Is it
really that bad? Like are youstarving? Did you die? You know?
(29:10):
And like no, maybe I didn'tdie, but like, maybe this
is enough to keep me awake atnight. Maybe this is enough to like
maybe if I had an argument withmy friend at school, Like if I
spend the majority of my like wakingday at school, then yeah, that's
going to cause me stress if I'ma child, because then when I get
home, the person who I hadthe argument with isn't there exactly, so
(29:30):
that's not going to be an issue. So yeah, it's really important because
what you'll get in return for notbeing able to discuss your true emotions is
you'll get someone who doesn't feel emotionallyvulnerable, and that can really lead to
your child, let's say, inthis example, not like having a lot
(29:53):
of issues with empathy, because ifyou don't feel safe discussing your mental health,
then you won't be able to makespace for other people discussing their mental
true. I've seen this, yeah, I mean I've seen it because that's
how I grew up. It waslike, I mean, it was like
if if we were mad, thatwas definitely something that we could like freely
(30:15):
express, and if we were happy, like, oh, think, but
everything in between was just kind oflike no, like and not not no,
don't discuss it. But it wasmore so like I just didn't have
the words. And when I wentto therapy, because my mom was a
really big believer in therapy and stillis, we would go to therapy.
(30:36):
I mean I would go to therapy, but I mean I made a career,
let's say, out of sabotaging mytherapy. So so I mean,
being like nine to twelve, youknow, even therapy as an adult,
I just I just really never feltcomfortable being vulnerable until like relatively recently.
Wow. So and I didn't reallyunderstand the power it comes from being vulnerable.
(31:00):
And it really is like taking aweight off of your shoulders, like
it's it's such as it's a reallyfreeing feeling, you know, And if
you think about like think about blackfolks, Like just when we were enslaved
Africans, right or enslaved African Americans, we were taught to be seen and
(31:21):
not heard. So it was like, oh are you Oh did you?
Did you just get like the shitbeat out of you? Well, you
know what, like go suck itup. I don't want to hear about
it. And then like, didyou know, are we going to have
the words to know how to discussit with ourselves? Even? Like no,
exactly, not at all. SoI just didn't want to. I
(31:42):
didn't want to perpetuate a stigma ofmental illness, obviously because I'm a psychiatrist,
but also just for the greater good, Like I'm like, if anybody
should be able to express how theyfeel on the day to day, it
should be black folks. You know, when I thinking about how I grew
up, there really wasn't a spacefor me to express my feelings of a
(32:05):
very Southern like military father who wasjust like do as I say, right,
and that was it. And ifI had a feeling or an opinion
about it, I didn't. Iwasn't allowed to say anything. And it
wasn't until I went to therapy inthe last few years that I realized how
that affected me. I thought like, okay, well fine, like I
just am not allowed to share.But then I realized I'm an oversharer.
Now yeah, no I did.I mean oversharing a lot too much.
(32:29):
Or if somebody asked me a question, I answered their question, I add
a whole bunch of ex God,I'd be too, I'm like, okay,
so first of all, let metell you I was hungry, okay,
right, And the reason I meanthat makes for great podcast at what
we do. But on the flipside, like in my everyday life,
like sometimes the question is really justthe question and it don't need all this
(32:50):
extra stuff, and especially like oh, especially dealing with my husband, because
like, first of all, menaren't the best at like expressing millions of
words, right, As women,we tend to talk more and we say
more things. And so because createdfor us anxietally right, it's okay for
women to talk and express our feelings. So like I realized, when he
asked me something, I'll answer andI'll say all these other things. They'd
(33:12):
be like why you had to doall that? Just I just want to
know this. And like I wastalking to my other friend who's married,
and she was like, girl,get used to it because men are always
just like I just wanted to knowthis and then be like, you know
what, I am right, butexactly what happens, and they just be
like, and that's why I wantshrimp. It's like, what, like,
I did ask all that right?But for us, you know,
(33:35):
especially for me, I feel like, you know, as a woman,
we already have that, but thenI had the avid layer of never feeling
like I was heard. So asan adult, I tend to always share
where nobody really asked me to becauseI didn't have the space when I was
young. So I think part oflike you know, mental health and with
your kids is if you talk tothem and you give them the space to
(33:57):
even say these things even if youdon't agree with it, as long as
they say that, that'll that helpshim later in life. And you know,
even with my son, him andhis many emotions of how school work
be breaking his heart and how likehe just he's like, you know what
it would be, So he's like, what did he tell me the other
day? He was, Oh,this cotton candy that my mom had left
(34:17):
at the house, and I waslike, no, you can't eat that
for breakfast, And he was justlike, oh my god, when I
think about all the times I can'teat cotton candy or marshmallows for breakfast,
what my feelings are just so hurtand it makes me want to run away.
And I just be sitting here like, yo, what is the extent?
What is wrong with you? Ofme allowing this child to let him
(34:38):
express his mean And I just belike, so I just have to say,
like, man, I understand,son, I understood, And then
like I don't really know what todo after that, Like I don't know
what to say when you give yourchildren the space, I guess for them
to express what's going on mentally asa parent, what are you supposed to
do with that? Yeah? Yeah, you're figuring it out. I mean,
(35:01):
like I'm I'm learning as I gobecause the way that I raised my
son is not the way that Iwas raised. And it's it's interesting to
think about because like I mean,back in the eighties, nineties, I
you know, like it's like anyera that we're in, like presently,
you feel like, oh, we'reon like the cutting edge of this,
(35:22):
yeah, girl, oh my god, like that, I mean, it's
it's really archaic to think about justsome of the beliefs that I held because
that's how I was raised. LikeI'm more so was somebody raised to be
like like, you know, yougotta be you gotta be strong, you
can't be vulnerable, like like yougotta just you know, you gotta be
(35:43):
better than everybody else, which doesn'tmake me special, but it definitely,
it definitely was detrimental for me.So one of the things I wanted to
make sure that you guys listening areable to kind of recognize it are,
what are some signs and symptoms ofyour child or maybe a child in your
life having some mental health struggles.And when it comes to kids, a
(36:07):
lot of what you're going to seeis maybe not necessarily emotional, like they
might withdraw, But what you're alsogoing to see are just changes in like
their daily habits, like maybe theywill complain of having like this was my
favorite thing, like oh, mystomach hurts, because it's not something you
(36:28):
can quantify. It was like Ididn't know how to say I need a
break or I don't want to go. I was just like, oh,
my stomach hurts, So you know, my stomach hurts. Then like,
oh I get to lay down,I get to like have like some me
time. Also, like if youjust notice that they're not like they don't
have the same interests in like theirusual activities. Like maybe you know,
(36:51):
I mean eighties kid, I'm surethis was the same for you in the
South. Like I came home,did my homework, I was outside,
like immediately outside. And maybe withyour kids, you know, maybe with
kids these days, it might bethem not wanting to go outside, maybe
they don't want to like play theirgames. Because another thing we have to
consider is that for a lot ofthese children, I would say most,
(37:15):
if not all kids, they havean online life and in a real in
real life and I RL life.Yeah, and they can really like your
online life can impact your for reallife. Oh that is so true.
Yeah, because you know what Ithink. When I was a sophomore in
high school, that was like thebeginning of I guess how it is now
(37:36):
when kids have like two different lives. I was like heavily into the chats
okay, Yahoo chats Okay, Inever was I had a whole persona on
there. I had a whole boyfriend. I never met or talk to you
girl, Okay, I had awhole life, and so then I was
feeling like, you know, Iwould go back to school. I was
feeling like, you know, becausemy little online boyfriend, I had never
met girl that was a grown assman. No no, no, I
(38:00):
actually met him later on, butlike I just when I just think about
it, I was, I wouldgo back to school feeling like I'm so
cute because I had a boyfriend.No good away. I never talked to
this man in my day of mylife. Okay, this whole boy I
never met or talk to, butlike it did affect my everyday life.
And then I think we broke upbecause I don't I don't even know why
(38:20):
we broke up. And then Iwent to school like the next day sad,
like boyfriend anymore. I never metboyfriend, right, So you're right,
there are like two personas, andI think as parents, like we
should be very cognizant of that becauseand it's also very scary. Yeah,
you know, because my son hewas on roadblocks and I had to put
you have to disabled the chatter,everything disabled. Everything had to make it
(38:44):
to where like the only games hecan play are like are technically safe for
all ages but I still have towatch him, so he sits next to
me as he plays it, butlike if I'm not you know. And
then there's adds sometimes like on certaingames, and there's things that he shouldn't
be saying. And I'm like like, yo, this can really cause a
lot of like significant harm mental harmto my child and caused him to feel
(39:06):
a certain way. And so likeyou just as a parent, I think
in this day and age, youhave to be diligent about like what your
kids are actually looking at and seeingand having a conversation about them with it
so that when they encounter these things, they know how to navigate, you
know, bullying even like you know, I mean I want to be like
punched that bully in a face.But at the same time, like usually
(39:27):
bullies are bullied, So like howdo I teach my child to navigate that?
You know? So I think I'mlearning it with my son being five,
Like how to you know, justexpress what he's going through. And
then to also like like the otherday he was like, oh, he
got in trouble. He got introuble because he was supposed to like clean
up and he didn't want to cleanup. He want plays games. So
(39:50):
I was like, well, youcan't play your you can't play on your
iPad. Girl. For the restof the day. He even laid out
on this floor. I noticed it. He laid out on this please God,
yes, oh why? And thenhe was like, I'm such a
bad boy. Oh my god,like I'm such a I said, aunt,
stop right. So the one thingthat I am like real cognizant of
is like speaking positively about yourself.Words are important. So anytime he says
(40:15):
that, or he you know,when he gets in trouble because he did
something he wasn't supposed to do andhe says something negative about himself, I
immediately say something nice about yourself.And sometimes this. The other day we
were in the car and he waslike, I'm such a bad boy.
I said, you better say somethingnice about yourself right now, say it.
And he was like, I'm kind, I'm nice, Oh my god,
(40:37):
I'm happy, so cute. Butat the same time, I was
like, is this like kind ofproductive because now and then he was yelling.
Then he was mad. So hewas like, I'm happy, I'm
healthy. Oh my god, bro, I said, yes, say say
right, testify I'm good. Thereis no such thing as talking bad about
(41:04):
yourself because you're not bad, andI would like, you've had a challenging
day. That's fine, Mommy haschallenges too. It's okay to have challenging,
challenging days, but don't ever sayanything negative about yourself. Like the
world will try to do that toyou, so there's no space for you
to do it to yourself. Yeah, right, No, I'm the same
way. I mean mine was alittle different because I think, like my
(41:25):
my mom grew up with parents thattended to be they I mean, they
definitely love their kids, but couldn'tdisplay some selfishness and so so the things
that my mom, I guess wouldsay to me, she didn't correct me,
so I would I would be like, you know what, I am
the smartest person. So like itwas very like it was very very like
(41:49):
just just egoistical and like, inhindsight, it's just like, oh my
god, but I mean whatever,I was like eight, so like,
what are you going to do?Exactly? But no, I love that.
I love the fact that, likethere was a time I remember saying
out loud like, well, whatever'sjust words, but like, but words
really, they're important. They're important, and why did I say that because
I grew up with people that toldme like, well, they're just words.
(42:10):
They can't hurt you, like sticksand stones may break your bones,
but words will never hurt you.It's like, well, now we know
that that's really not that's completely completelyopposite, very true. Yeah. So,
I mean essentially with kids. Anotherthing is so I discussed a little
bit about like maybe some signs thatthey were stressed. I mean, you
(42:30):
know your kid the best exactly,but I think, honestly, like if
you're able to create that space thatsave space for them and discuss how they
feel, then they won't Your kidwon't feel the need to resort to like
I don't want to talk about it, or if my stomach hurts or I
have a headache, or like Iwould just shut down, Like I would
(42:51):
shut down for like days, likelike you mind what's going on? Like
I don't want to talk about it, and like because I really just didn't
know how to say it. BecauseI didn't know how to say it,
it made me feel like embarrassed.Yeah, so I'm gonna teach my kids
to write it. Fine, youdon't want to say it, but you
got to write it. Write it. Out and maybe if you want me
to read it, that's fine.If not, you have to write it
out exactly, got to get itout. Yeah, it's so it's really
(43:14):
really important that you know, it'sreally really important that we just are able
to create that space for our kidsand that our kids feel safe with us.
And and empathy is please this worldis I want. I don't want
to say this world is short onempathy, but but I've seen there's been
a little too much lack of empathylately. I agree, and I think
(43:37):
empathy would really help all of usout collectively. So anyway, so everybody,
that's it for our deep dive.I hope you guys learned a lot
from talking about kids and breaking mentalhealth stigma and creating safe spaces for them.
Yes, and all else fields,say something nice about yourself. My
(43:59):
last segment pop culture diagnosis. Yes, okay mech let's get into our pop
culture diagnosis for this week. Soplease give our listeners a quick synopsis of
the HBO show Euphoria. I actuallylove Euphoria. I never saw it because
I was like, this seems likeeven I was like, this seems like
(44:20):
too much for me. You knowwhat, I think for you though,
it would be good for you towatch it because it's very much a show
that deals with stuff that like highschoolers are dealing with, ye and like
because we're not that young, right, it helped me understand some stuff and
I'm like, oh my gosh,these kids are dealing with like a lot
of adult stuff. But I thinkit's important to watch because I know,
I was, like, what highschool they're talking about? I know they
(44:43):
are, So it is good fromthat perspective, so you can kind of
have like insight into what younger kidsdeal with these days. Yeah. So
Euphoria definitely is about a group ofhigh school students and they're navigating love and
friendship, addiction, trauma, andjust like their identity in this modern day
age. It's really like they dealwith substance abuse, yeah, mental health,
(45:07):
just just a bunch of complexities thatthat high schoolers deal with. So
yeah, Zendaya, I love.She plays the lead role of Roue,
a seventeen year old recovering drug addict. Now, if it was your patient,
how would you diagnose her? Ohmy god? The fact that ru
was seventeen Okay, first of allthe fact that like I saw this clip
of Rude talking about like, oh, on my first day of high school
(45:29):
when I was in ninth grade,I was really nervous because I had just
gotten out of rehab. What like, wait already? What what? I'm
like, girl, what are whatyou? What you been doing? I'm
like, where are you been gettingthese drugs from? I remember when I
first saw that, the first thingI thought was you have a very wide
experience. Yeah yeah, yeah,which is kind of sad, because rehabits
(45:49):
for anybody. But I was athinking, like, ninth grade and you
went rehab, Yeah, but isn'tBut like her mom is black on the
show and her dad is white.Yeah, so so, but we do
learn that Rue's dad passed away,and so I'm guessing that this was maybe
not the impetus for her to getinto drug use, but it definitely played
(46:09):
a factor. Yeah, I thinkit kind of like accelerated it, you
know, just because again an addiction, people tend to hide from or you
know, ease the pain of what'sgoing on in your life. And losing
your father at such a young ageand I think he died from like cancer,
and like having to see that,yeah, you know that hurts,
and if you feel like you don'thave outlets, sometimes you go turn to
(46:30):
drugs, and it's a very realisticstory. I'm sure there's a lot of
kids that can relate to ru inthat regard. Yeah, I mean I
feel like I went to school maybewith kids that were like I didn't really
like hang out with them because whenI was in high school, I graduated
in nineteen ninety three and I rememberlearning really like really late that like a
(46:53):
number of people at my school werelike abusing heroin because it was this was
like Nirvana, like Runge, likelike you know, k Kurt Cobain,
And I was like, y'all areshooting heroine? What like I had like
because back then for me, likeeverything like anything was a gateway drug anything
(47:16):
like there was no marijuana, therewas no it was because everything I was
like, oh my god, ifyou smoke smoke weed, that's gonna lead
to crack, which is like,I mean, I've never done cracked,
to have no desire to do crack, but I smoke a lot of weed.
So let's talk about Rue. SoRue is going through a lot,
(47:37):
and you know Zendia, that's myname. Zendia is along with being an
executive producer, fantastic actress. Aswe know, she really like she really
remindsed me of and this is showingmy age, but fast times in Ridge
am my high. She really remindsme of like the the female version of
(48:00):
Sean Penn's like stoner character, butlike with a much darker turn. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, because he waslike Sean Pan's character was just like
what everybody and like ordering pizza whilehe was at school and like that was
like a big deal. But like, I'm like, this girl is really
really like she is on the realdrugs, like some for real drugs and
(48:20):
the little I remember I caught thetail end of Euphoria one time and it
was a scene where Rue was likeshe was she was fucked up, like
she was high and she almost gotraped by this dude, and I was
just like, what the hell isthis like show, like, oh my
(48:40):
god, this show is crazy.But I mean, you know, I
would say then when it comes toto Rue that she is definitely dealing with
depression at the very least, Idon't know if she deals with the opposite
of depression. Maybe she's made.I did see a scene where she was
like, I'm a genius I'm agenius, Mam, I'm a genius.
(49:01):
And she might have been high ondrugs, but that also could be kind
of like maybe some bipolar stuff goingon. But yeah, like I saw
a lot of I saw a lotof scenes of rule like running into doors,
yeah, like getting like a lotof physical comedy. But like she
was so high, and her mom, who is played by black woman on
(49:27):
the show, she you know,like she tries to she tries to talk
to Rue but whatever it is,Like Rude definitely is somebody that I think,
at least in that household, likeshe has a lot of emotions that
she just wasn't able or hasn't beenable to get out. And so like
you said, she turns to likereally really bad street drugs. And then
(49:49):
I think it shows like a flashbackwhen she was like you know, early
on they said she had I guessyou know, she was like elementary school.
They said she had like adhd ye, you know, some other if
she And so I'm wondering if,like how all of that transpired, how
her parents, Like is there anythingthey could have done differently in her life?
Yeah? You know, yeah,I mean I can to help her
(50:12):
to not be as addicted to thesedrugs as she is, or to turn
to drugs. Yeah, I meanquite honestly. I mean if you think
about it, if you have beendiagnosed with add or ADHD as a child,
medication may be recommended for you.Yeah, And so you know,
now you have like ritolin or adderallor you have these stimulants that if you
truly have add or ADHD, willhelp you. But they can also if
(50:36):
the dose is too high, theycan leave you like stimulated. And like
so a lot of people also withadd or ADHD, they may have anxiety,
like, oh God, I gotto go to school and I'm supposed
to like concentrate, but it's hardfor me to concentrate. And so really
Rue is just looking for some semblanceof peace, and that's what drugs give
to her. But then they don'tbecause then the rest of her life is
(50:59):
yeah, mess, a mess.So yeah, I would diagnose Rue with
at the very least oppression. Andshe has well what used to be called
polysubstance abuse disorder, like I don'tknow how many drugs she's taking a lot
of different but she's taking a lotof different a lot of different drugs.
(51:22):
So but fantastic performance. But Bizendayalike, girl, you you're killing it
out here. So yeah, andI think I mean her life I think
is one that a lot of kids. Yeah. So I think it's really
good that that it is shown onthis show. I just hope people decide
not to do drugs. Yeah,anymore, especially at a younger age.
Yeah. Yeah, really if youbreaks my heart that you're in such a
(51:45):
dark place that you feel like thisis the only thing that will give me
peace. Yeah, yes, don'tdo drugs. But if you do,
wait until you're in your twenties,because then your brain's fully developed. But
you know, don't do drugs,stay in school. Okay. Yeah.
So anyway, that's it for ourpop culture diagnosis this week. So we're
gonna have another fun character to analyzenext week in our next episode. If
(52:08):
you have any fictional characters suggestions you'dlike for us to diagnose, hit doctor
Emani up on x formerly known asTwitter at Doctor Underscore Emani. You can
hit me up on Instagram at MegScoop, or you can email us both
at Hello at emanistateomind dot com andone more plug. If you love us
and you love the show, wouldyou do please remember to rate and review
(52:30):
us on your favorite podcast app.If you're watching us on YouTube like this
video, leave us a comment abouthow you're doing. You can even just
be like hey girl, and thatwould be great and subscribe to our channel.
We appreciate the love and we appreciateyou too, yes, yay.
Thanks for tuning in, you guys. Bye,
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