Looking Out For Yourself

Finding a way to do the things in life for yourself while caregiving others.
alottofhelp.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
So people have been asking me because I've been very
transparent about my life right now in terms of I
had a deathite family for my daughter, my mom is
having health disess on watching her, my house is falling apart,
all kind of stuff happening. So they're asking me, James,
how do you do How do you find time for yourself?

(00:30):
How do you do stuff for yourself when you're doing
so much for everyone else? That is a hard question,
And I will tell you what I'm doing right now
because is a work in progress. This is a lot
of help with James on Junior because I'm trying to
help by sharing this episode here on jail j Media
audio and video. Check it out. So how can I start?

(00:52):
This is not to be super polished or anything. This
is kind of just where I'm at I've been. I
do blog posts, a lot of help dot Com, and
I talk openly about my life many many ways and
lessons I learn and share with you talking to some
of my elders in my life don't have the ring left,
but I have a few. They are helping me. See

(01:16):
since I am devoting a lot of my life to
everything else, that's everything that's not me. So I have
to have protect myself. There has to be something for me.
And that's what about. There's no balance. I'm just saying
right now, there's no balance whatsoever. And maybe you can't
do a balance. Maybe people are so wonderful and great

(01:37):
to get to you a balance that's great for me.
It's all about trying to find moments and making decisions
about moments. So it may be lopsided one way and
then lopside the next, and lopside it one way and
lopside the next. It just may happen. And that's how
it is right now, because I'm in the middle of
the height of something going on right now, dealing with

(01:58):
my parent and I all the time. It's just it's
it's catches catch cans sometimes, like you may get a
free afternoon that's totally unencumbered, and you go, okay, I'm
taking that afternoon. I'm taking it. I'm gonna take it
now whoever I want. Or you may say I don't
feel like calling this morning, I'll call later, then called later.

(02:24):
The thing is guilt, shame, the promise to regret come
into your brain all the time while you're doing this.
It's so crazy, you care doing everything in the world.
But you feel like if you turn away for a
second and something happens, it's all your fault, so I thought,

(02:46):
or you just feel so bad. I've had to learn.
But it comes to long term care of someone, a
long term illness of someone. And myself had a long
term thing myself actually as this comes out almost eight
years ago tomorrow, eight years ago, when I have Bell's palsy.
But you have a long term something, it's that's what

(03:07):
it is, long term. It's also you know what it's
gonna end, So it's long term and it could be sadden,
I know, crazy, hurry up and wait, that kind of thing.
You have to find a way to do something for yourself,
and that has to be you have to not you
have to bring no gain, no shame, no guilt, no nothing.

(03:28):
If you know, seriously, you have to find the same
to yourself. If you know you're given one hundred percent
of something and you have a right to have time
off your a right to buy something for yourself, you
know what I mean. Like it's just like it's if
you know you're doing it, if you if you know

(03:49):
you're not doing that well or doing that much, that
different story. But for those of us out there who
know we are given ten hundred percent. You got something
for yourself. You can't devote your life to someone and
just serve them. That's not good for anybody. Sorry. I
don't care who you are. And you know what, you

(04:10):
don't owe your parents anything. You know, oh, your cousins anything,
you know, your sibling things. You don't owe anybody anything,
not really when you think about it, the Bible. The
Bible says honor your parents. They also you owe them
your whole life. It's basically just you get you, just you.
You can honor them. Now how do we do? That's
up to you. For me, I have no problem. It's

(04:33):
a no brainer. Luckily my mother out there doing the floundering, No,
that's not gonna happen. And actually what does happen to
her affects me and my brother and stuff. So I
should be involved anyway, because I was going to be anyway.
This is life. I've already accepted that part. I'll see
you can you excuse me at first? But I accepted

(04:55):
it and now I'm in it. So my business is
doing and doing well, So that's me. It's my stuff.
I'm trying to date that's my stuff. I have friends
or I have friendships with that's my stuff. I have
to find ways because I've been so last couple of years.
No I can't, No I can't. No I can't, No

(05:15):
I can't. It's a fine line, and it also depends
on every situation is different where you're the person you
were looking after is at in life. If they're an invalid,
it may take harder, longer ways to get back to yourself.
If they're just semi that it might be might be
a little easier. If their brain is there but their

(05:39):
body isn't. Or if their body is there and their
brain is it, that's different. Also, there's all kinds of
things going on there. They live nearby, and if to
try far away or do you have anybody helping, it's
all at all play part of it. For me that's
gone to town. I could have easily not gone to town. Sure,

(06:00):
save money, all the stuff thing, But life's about connection.
Life is about the human experience. Life is about being
there in the flesh. The two times I went to Indiana,
they were the two best times that I've chosen to go,
and they literally solidified relationships for my business. I believed

(06:26):
It helped so much. It helps slify my thoughts of
the area. See where I'm talking to you show there
not some omnipotent figure from LA. I'm a real person.
That'd be some really wonderful people who make some friendships
but also assure some business. I think that's what you
do in real life. You can't just be the shadowy

(06:47):
figure online. You gotta be there in person. You gotta
see what the people are, what they're doing, what's going on,
see the area. And when I was presented with this
whole thing about you know they're gonna present me I
got I got a grant and check it all the stuff.
I was like, and they want to present it to me.
I'm like, yeah, this is a great funnel up. This
is a great thing. I'm or out there. Hired me

(07:08):
to do a podcast for it. Why don't I do
it there? The first one should come from there. Like
there's so many different things. It's like, yeah, yeah, I
gotta I gotta go. I have to go there. So
that's the thing, right, I have to go there. So

(07:33):
I had to let my family know this and friends
and I can't go to a funeral because I have
to go to Indiana. I can now, there's ways figure
this out, and like I said, live streaming, somebody can
hold it for me. I can be there that way. Now,
the thing about my mother, it's very gonna be a
little nerve wracking because you're like most happens when you're

(07:55):
not there. Well, anything can happen. If I just sit
here not go, nothing can happen, then I will resent
and regret not going. I can go and nothing happens,

(08:15):
are possible. I can stay here, something happens, I can go,
something happens, totally possible. But here's the I'm not going
to a third world country. She's not alone out here
by herself. My brother's here, sisters said, there's friends in
the family. If something should happen to her, there are
some decisions I can make online and make over early. Beever,

(08:36):
if I have to come home early, I come home early,
but at least go gets what she does as I
can in person, get it done that. I come back
last we Again, I don't think positive because I just
have to. And she'll be fine. I'm be gone thirteen days.

(08:56):
She'll be fine. It's almost two weeks. Be fine. We'll
talk to you every day. I would call every day
and the whole thing She's be okay. I think positive
and if again, if something does happen, it will be handled.
We'll have the right people in the right place at
the right time. That's our prayer. Of course, why make

(09:17):
it happen. And then if I have to come home, Earling,
let me just that's just that's just that's how life works.
But I got thing positive and I'm so I'm excited
for this trip. I'm excited to go. I'm excited to
see everybody. And I actually have a no trip I
need to. I have two more trips I have to
go to later on the year, and I think that's
I'm going to them. That's just, that's just that. And

(09:40):
unless something major happens where I can't go, but if
she's still decent and I can and I can go somewhere,
I'm going. And that's kind of what I have to do.
And I and I at this point will not feel
guilty at all or feel shame because I'm still younger.
I have to make money. I'm an entrepreneur, my business

(10:02):
is booming. I have to follow. I gotta follow that.
And doesn't mean I love her a less doesn't mean
I'm not gonna be there for my daughter, doesn't mean
I love anybody less. It's just that it means this
is my turn for my stuff, and then I'll come
back to you after it, you know, or this is

(10:23):
my turn. I'm willing to work some compromise somewhere. Let's
try to figure that out together. You know. It's like
I don't feel about the if to feel guilty, that's
that's just that' just not because in the long run,
when that person you take care of goes leaves the earth,
I'm still sitting. I still got it. I still gotta
pay bills, pay taxes, do this. I mean, I got

(10:45):
my business. I'm still there. And since I know that,
I am giving her the time. She is in my
rotation every day. There's there's not like I'm not saying
I'm taking care of all of I wash her clothes,
I'm handling her bills, I'm handling other stuff, take care
of to take care of this house that I like.

(11:07):
So I know I'm doing I'm doing a lot. I mean,
if you're out there or like me, are doing the
same and you're good, So don't feel guilty. You want
to go away for the weekend. You want to go
to a concert that one night, don't be afraid to
do it. Timing is everything gets three out the timing.
But don't be afraid to do it, and don't feel guilty.
What are you doing? Go have a good time. It's

(11:29):
like that. That's just how it is. Right. It's tough,
not saying it's easy, not at all saying it's easy.
But you can do it and be there for those
important moments you have to be there. But there's nothing
you have to be at and delegate to. The lot

(11:50):
of people out there can help you out. They may
say I can help you call him out on it,
you say you can help me. I need this, And
then I'm James R. And I feel for everyone out
there who is in situations on oar mind I do.
I see you, and I feel it, and it's not
I wouldn't wish for anybody I know, but this is life,

(12:11):
and this is part of life, and uh well, we
can get through it. Millions of folks do every day.
We can too. A lot of help dot Com also
certified life Coach if you need some coaching and anything
I would coach like five times over all kinds of
organizational coaching, mindset, all that stuff. I do free consultations

(12:33):
for the first half hour. After that it's just charge.
But you know, if you want to talk about something
and think Mabe I can help you, it's fine. Or
if you just want to hire me one time, one off,
also message me and I can give you rates on that.
You're just like I want to talk to you for
an hour about something or an hour and a half
on something. We will have done that and we have
a good time, and I'll tell you the charge for
that too. Everyone, please be safe this fourth July weekend,

(12:57):
have a good time. If we want to have good time,
people stay in watch your pets, their ears, their hearts,
their nerves, look into whatever you have to to help
protect them for that night. It's gonna be crazy for them.
And also at the heat, no pause on the sidewalk
over that touch you next time.