Episode Transcript
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(00:13):
Thank you for joining us, andwelcome to another edition of Answers Network.
I'm your host, Alan Cardoza,and for those of you that have been
listening sending in questions and comments,thank you so much and please continue to
help spread the word that every Mondayfrom eleven am to noon Pacific time,
this show will bring on special gueststhat can inspire, educate, and in
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some cases entertained while bringing answers andoptions to making our lives happier, healthier,
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please forward one of our shows toyour social media group and to someone you
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know that can benefit from a particularsubject. This is one powerful way that
we can make a positive influence inthe world together. Now, that's one
of the things that we're going totalk about today. But I'm going to
start with one of the questions thatcame in because it was so timely.
Maureen from New York City rights,my family loves your show. I downloaded
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your attitude of Gratitude Journal and gavecopies to my immediate family around the first
of November. On Thanksgiving Day,we each read from our journal something that
we were truly grateful for. Itturned out to be our best Thanksgiving ever.
Now, during our meal, ourtwenty year old daughter asked about generational
trauma. We would love to hearmore about this subject. Well, Maureen,
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I had to tell you my producerhas brought us a wonderful person to
address that subject and more. Ourguest, Judy Wilkins Smith, is a
highly regarded family patterns, systemic workand constellations expert, as well as a
transformational coach and motivational speaker who ispassionate about individual growth, visionary leadership,
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and positive accelerated global change. Inother words, a perfect fit for our
show. So she is the founderof system Dynamics for individuals and organizations.
Judy has eighteen years of expertise assistinghigh performance individuals Fortune five hundred executives including
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Chevron, JP, Morgan, Kellogg's, and Exxon Mobile to name a few,
as well as legacy families, endinglimiting cycles and creating lasting breakthroughs and
transitions into peak performance. Got totell you it doesn't get any better than
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that. He's a regular guest onTV news and entertainment show and is the
author of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint,a powerful guide to transformation through disentangling multi
generational patterns. Sounds true, Judy, Welcome to Answers Network. Hi Ellen,
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it's great to be here with you. Well, it is my pleasure,
and I love the fact that,from a timing standpoint that we had
one of our listeners or viewers posea question that I just thought was right
there up your alley. So butyou know, but before we dive into
even answering that or the book,what led you on a path to learn
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about family patterns, systemic work,and constellations? Yeah, it's what or
who? I'm not too sure whichof those it is. But my background
is actually in medicine. So Iwas in the medical arena, moved over
here. My father was killed.They failed him in all the areas that
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I will skilled in, and Iknew that door had closed. And so
it was a case of either writebooks or go crazy, and I figured
that writing books was probably the betteroption. So we went with that,
and doing research for one of mybooks, I met a person who had
started doing this, and they said, come learn what I teach and i'll
help you with a book. Wentand learned, got zero help with the
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book, just saying But that ledme down beginning to understand that the patterns
in families. And then I hadpeople say to me, well, if
you can do it for families,can you work with executives. Well,
executives are people too, so thatwas a no brainer. And then they
said can you work with organizations?So I learned about patterns in organizations because
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organizations are made up of people,and people are people anywhere. And then
discovered all of these patterns. Imean Helenga talks about them, but kind
of uncovered a few that of myown. And then somebody said to me,
well, of course you're going toknow how to do this, and
I went why and they said,well it started in South Africa. I
didn't know that. Oh yeah,And they said to me, so,
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how about this? They said,it started in South Africa with the Zulu
tribe. When I left South Africa, the gentleman who gave my farewell speech
was a Zulu gentleman, and hesaid to me, you may be leaving
us, but you'll find a wayto represent us in the world, and
I went, yeah, yeah,and now I do it every day.
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Well, if you can share withwith our with our audience a little bit
about what this is, because Iknow that you know I've I've mentioned it.
There are people that I talked toI see at the gym or whatever,
and they're like, what's your showgoing to be about? And when
I mentioned things like generational trauma,sometimes people's eyes glass over. So share
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a little bit about about what itis that we're talking about. Okay,
soone to do it this way.I teach emotional DNA that decoding your emotional
blueprint is pretty much telling you what'shappened, what it's cost you, and
what you can do with it.So everybody knows you inherit your physical DNA,
but most people don't realize you inherityour emotional DNA. Your patterns of
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thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions. You inherit those. So you come
on to work with me and youstruggle with anger. You've struggled with anger
since you were tiny, You've alwaysbeen angry. Or what we do is
we go in search of the anger. Where did it come from? Who
does it belong? To what wasthe originating event and how has that cascaded
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those patterns down, which it does, and so you have you'll have patterns
of anger. Perhaps you struggle withmoney. In our family, everybody loses
money. Okay, where did thatstart? What was the originating event?
And if you don't know what theevent was, look at your own life
and see where it started for you. But the point remains that you're inheriting
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those patterns of thoughts, feelings,and actions, and we call those intergenerational
emotional inheritances. But then you getmulti generational generational trauma. So somebody in
the family has something terrible happened tothem, and then it seems to happen
to every single generation. In fact, I think my favorite was a woman
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who came to see me and shesaid, I want to understand about my
legs, and I went, excuseme. She said, yes, all
the women in this family have thesestocky legs. So I said, okay,
talk to me, let's see wherewe go. Turns out that for
six generations, all the men hadlost their right legs, so the women
became the legs of the family.And what we don't understand is that we're
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sitting at all times, what allthe clues we need to make a great
life. It is not multi generationor trauma. It's a multi generational gift
that trauma keeps going down through thegenerations and it keeps going see me,
see me, see me. Becausewith this woman with the legs, the
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woman had become strong. The giftwas strength once she could see that.
And this we find with everybody whoworks with us. The minute you can
see the pattern that's trying to speakto you, it no longer needs to
exist. But what it is askingis I am a gift to you.
Can you see what I can becomein your hands? So let's go back
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to the money piece. You haveeverybody, all the generations lose money,
and everybody's terrified of money. Andit's great grandfather's fault because he lost the
money originally, so it's all hisfault. Well, okay, and the
long comes five generations later you comealong with go. But I don't want
to lose money like everybody else.I'm going to do it differently. The
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minute you do that, you've seenthe pattern and now you're changing it and
you're writing the chapter that only youcan write. So that so called trauma
is actually pushing you to turn itinto the gift it was meant to be
so multigenerational. Trauma is one smallaspect of it, but it is really
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a multi generational gift, and youare the inheritor and it's waiting for you
to do something incredible with it.Well, first of all, I love
you. I love the fact thatwe're talking about something that's very positive that
can come out of it. Butwhat I hear you saying is that these
things are passed down and it reallydepends on us as to what we do
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with them or how we accept orthat's what it is, one hundred percent.
You can look at it through twolenses. You can say me too,
it's hit me too. Or youcan look at and go, I
am never doing that, and youturn it around. Here's the problem.
If you don't know what you're doing, you still miss the gift in that
pattern will keep echoing. But theminute you can look at it and say,
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you know, when I look atall of my ancestors and see how
they struggled, thanks, guys,you're now teaching me to do it differently.
You're teaching me to be mindful ofit and treat it in another way
because of all of you, I'mgoing to do it differently. And now
I'm going to change the emotional DNA, and so we begin a new thing.
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So all of a sudden, yourson comes along and says to his
son, oh, my dad taughtus all about money. He told us
to be mindful. He showed ushow to save it, he showed us
how to invest it. But don'tforget the event that started it, and
don't ever exclude the one who wasthe starting person in that. They need
to be seen and given their placeso that you can take yours are saying
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that it's it's reminding me of astory. So I want to use what
you're talking about, but I wantto to address racial prejudice. And one
of the things that one of thejobs that I did in the past,
you know, I worked with atrisk youth and in doing so, we
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worked with a lot of young peopledealing with a variety of different traumas.
And in one case, we hada young man who we were taking to
a specialized program, but part ofhis issue was he had he had done
some things that he was a whiteboy from a wealthy family and he had
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done some racist things, and Isent one of our agents, a incredibly
intelligent, compassionate, mentally, physicallyin spirit, virtually sound black man,
to transport him to the program.And part of it was that I just
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thought it was the right person.But the other part was I thought maybe
this young man had not dealt withsomeone of this caliber, that he just
hadn't had this, or maybe itwas something that was passed on. And
I got a phone call over aweekend from an irate father who said,
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you sent this man to come takemy son to a program? Said,
yes, I did. Is therea problem? Well, he's black,
And I said, well, andI said, has he done anything incorrectly?
I said, his job is he'sto get there, is to take
your son and safely get him offto the program. Is there a particular
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issue that he's something that he's done. No, but I can't believe that
you've done this and stuff. AndI said, well, I guarantee you
that he will do a great jobof getting your child to this program.
And it sounds like there isn't aproblem that I can see, So thank
you for your call. And Ihung up and Marvin, my friend and
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our agent, that took that boy, was incredible with him, and I
ended up getting a call because thatboy went to a short term program.
We were then called to pick himup to take him from the short term
program to a boarding school, butthey wanted to bring him home first,
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and I said, yeah, that'sfine, and the father said, can
you send the same man? AndI said, we certainly can, and
so Marvin went to work the case. He picked up the man for the
young boy from the program, wentback to the home because they had to
pack up some things before he wentto boarding school, so he was there
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overnight. You know. I toldthe father that I would you know,
I'd book a hotel for our agentand for their son. He said,
no, I'd like them to staywith us. Okay. They went to
dinner at the country club. Marvinstayed at their house, and the father
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called me afterwards, and then Marvintook him off to the thing. Called
me afterwards and apologized and said,I think that I was passing on something
to my son that needed to change. Thank you for introducing us to Marvin
and us seeing what a great humanbeing he is. And there it is
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right, that pattern, and sometimesit requires a bump. Sometimes it's not
easy. And the change agent isthe kid, but the change agent is
also Marvin, and the change agenthe is the father. So you had
a three in one, which isremarkable. Yeah, I was so Again,
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I just think that, you know, I felt that it was so
blessed that that worked out the waythat it did. And I was more
looking towards the boy, and Ihate to say it, sort of having
given up on the prior generation,you know, thinking that wherever he got
this, you know, I wantedhim to interact with someone to just make
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him start thinking as a teenager aboutwas this something he wanted to carry on.
But as you said, I wasthere was a great bonus to this
that even the father got it.Yeah, And this is something that we
find with generational patterns is that theminute it begins to change in one passion,
one generation, the change echoed,it goes forward and it echoes backwards.
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So you see this all the time. It's it's remarkable, and then
again it changes that emotional DNA isa strong enough emotional imprint on the system
that also has been well studied,then creates an imprint that will activate or
deactivate the proteins on your genetic piece. So now you've got a double time
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to change. Yep. And theother thing that I like is is that
you talk about the fact that there'salso incredibly positive patterns that you know,
on the one hand, there arepatterns that maybe may not be so good,
and we want to have a choiceto be able to go in one
direction or the other. But talkabout some of the positive things that we
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can do or that we can passon, pass on, But what are
some of the things that can helpus figure out which ones are the ones
that are that are coming to usfrom past generations. Okay, so that
one's a nice easy one. Actually, what you want to do is you
have a look at the places whereyou're stubborn and upset, stuck. Those
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ones stubborn, angry, upset.There's another one, but but those are
your big ones when you really holda dogmatic point of view, and it's
the right one. Go looking becauseyou're you're sitting with what we call systemic
sentences. So systemic sentence is asentence or words that echo through the system.
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We don't like black people, asyou just pointed out, or black
people are or we don't like whitepeople because white people are or everybody in
our family loses money or we're alwaysdepressed and sad. That's just how we
are. When you're you're telling methat that's the way I am, there's
a piece that's going and is thatthe way that you want to be?
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So that's word yes, And wheredid that come from? I mean,
isn't that also the question? It'svery much, it's so the typically what
I'll ask is, Okay, whendid that first start for you? What
was happening in your life at thetime, What did you make it mean
about you? What did you makeit mean about others? Is there anyone
else in the family that has apattern similar to this or anyone significant?
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Because if there was somebody who wassignificant in your life, that may also
have impacted things, and you willhave the multi generational pattern. So those
are the questions that you would askyourself, And then how would I like
it to be? Because systems areelegant creatures, and so is systemic work.
You're always sitting with Here is apattern trying to stop, and here
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is a pattern trying to start,and the two look at each other.
So when I'm angry, and I'malways angry, what needs to stop the
anger. What's trying to start.I want to be joyful, I want
to be light. I want tohave that attitude of gratitude. I want
to go out there and make adifference. You can. I think people
do not realize how much power theyhave, not only within themselves but within
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their family system if they know them, but absolutely in themselves. The words
that they speak and the actions theytake, the feelings that they feel,
all within our control, and wecan use them for great good if we
want to, and great success.And from what I hear you saying,
and this isn't just I know we'retalking about generational, but I think we're
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also talking about right now. Inother words, it doesn't have to be
a generational thing. And it actuallymakes me think that there's a story that
a very famous major league manager talksabout. In fact, I think it
was Joe Tory, but in oneof his books he talks about the fact
of the words that we plant inourselves and he said him, he said
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him walking the difference between him walkingout to the mound and telling that batter
or that picture this batter likes theball low and outside, don't pitch him
low and outside and he said theproblem with that, or what he learned
as a manager is he says,all that's stuck in his head was low
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and outside, and so he didexactly what he told him not to do,
and the guy hits a home run. So he said that what he
learned as a manager, from ayoung manager to a more experienced manager was
he would instead walk out there andsay, you are great, and you
can get this guy out, andyou can throw this guy high and inside
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and you will strike him out.There you go, And he suggests the
difference in those two sentences was thedifference between success and failure, both for
that pitcher and for him as amanager. So what he was saying there,
and it's super super super important,is when the brain tells the body
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a story that the body believes,that's your truth. Now, when I
teach people, I talk about head, heart, gut. So if you
are it's never that you've got aclosed mind, it's that you have a
closed heart. Something happens and yougo and the heart shuts down and the
brain goes into survival and then thegut tightens. When your heart opens up,
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the brain goes, oh good,she's awake. Let's go and look,
let's look, let's look, andit starts to imagine and then the
gut becomes what it was always meantto be, which is the inner compass.
So I say to people, youwant to look for the alignment of
their head, heartgut, and theysay, I don't know how to do
that, and I go, oh, yes, you do. You absolutely
do. You get up in themorning you say, I'm such a fool,
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and your heart closes and your headgoes, yeah, I can't things
straight. I'm such a fool,and your stomach goes Now you've aligned negatively.
All you got to do is dothe same thing positively, Alan,
I wish I could tell you howpowerful we are within ourselves well with with
a lot of the people that youwork with. Where do most people struggle
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the most with their mindset? I'mnot good enough and I'm an impostor.
I mean I literally have billionaires whowill tell me I've got to keep saving,
I've got to keep saving, andI'm like what, And then I
go into their story and it's myfamily was never safe and they haven't.
They've cottoned on to the event,but they haven't finished the event, And
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said now we are safe, it'sokay to play. Or they'll say to
me, somebody's going to find meout. Somebody's going to find me.
I hear that all the time withentrepreneurs, and I go, stop,
you don't have impostor syndrome. You'vegot pioneer syndrome. Pioneer syndrome means I
don't have the answers, but I'mwilling to go and look, that's a
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pioneer. It is not an impostor. And when we start to recognize that,
then instead of trash talking ourselves,we start to transform talk ourselves.
And it makes all the difference.When your brain and your gut and your
heart are aligned, you can accomplishwhat you want every time. Now is
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part of what you're doing. AndI love that you're changing the vernacular with
them, But are you also makingthem aware of the origins so that they
can put it behind them? Absolutely? So, Typically what will happen is,
let's say let's say that you haveone of the kids that you're talking
about who and I always think therewas a famous NFL player. You'll know
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exactly who I'm speaking about who washad up for murder. And then they
found out his father had been andhis grandfather had been and I want to
tell you, it broke my heartbecause had I worked with him, I
would have said to him, andwhat we do is we use live representatives
because we're very easily able to transferthoughts and feelings onto inanimate or other animate
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objects. So I would have takena representative for his father, and a
represent entative for his grandfather, andmaybe one for his grandfather. And I've
done that before, and I linethem up, one behind the other,
and I get them to tell thisguy, here's what happened, Here's what
happened. Here's what happened. Andthen I would have turned him around and
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said, put your hands at hisback and push him forward and tell him
do it differently. And I'll promiseyou Alan with just that, it's that
boom, it's that whole visceral lockin that changes people, and they go,
I was meant to do it differently. If you look at Disney,
Disney knows that they know there's thatthe hero within, the bigger person within,
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and they tap into it directly.This work does the same thing.
We use those live representatives. Wego back to the event so they can
actually see it and experience it inthree D. So now we're engaging multiple
senses and they're having this visceral experienceof what they've been through or what's up
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there. And then we start tochange the language with them and you can
see the whole body shake or joltand it'll realign and they will they'll actually
turn around say to me, Ican't think that way anymore now because I
can't, I can't feel that wayanymore, and you'll watch the body realign.
So this is it's three D work, but it's taking what you've got
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in here, putting it out infront of you, working it in three
D, and the person walks outvery different. The book is called I'll
Decode in Your Emotional Blueprint. Withus is Judy Wilkins Smith. We're going
to take a break. If youknow somebody that can benefit from this,
send them a quick message and tellthem listen. We'll be right back in
(25:47):
about a minute, in fifteen seconds, so stay with us. You're listening
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Conflict International dot com Global Reach,Local Knowledge, and we're back with us
(26:55):
as Judy Wilkins Smith. We're talkingabout decoding your emotional blueprint. Judy,
one of the things you talk aboutin the book is constellations, So share
with all of us what are constellationsand why are they so effective at revealing
our family patterns. So that's whatI was actually talking to you about.
That three D process. Yeah,that's the three D process. OKAYD process.
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We use live representatives. And here'sthe interesting piece as well. We
don't realize that we key into eachother's systems all day long. You look
at somebody and go oh, oryou look at somebody and go gosh,
they're nice. You're sensing into theirsystem. And so people say to me,
that's not possible. I'd say,think about it. When you watch
America's Got Talent or The Voice orany one of those, and somebody suddenly
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hits it and you get goosebumps.You've just sensed into your system. So
when we use those representatives, veryoften the representatives may move or may say
something, and my clients go,how do they know that they know to
move? And so while you're havingthis experience, you're employing site, sound,
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touch. So it's multi sensorial andit's an embodied experience. And this
embodied experience allows you to shift inthe moment. For some people it can
take a long time, but formany it's in the moment. They keep
that keeps repeating and it keeps requeuing them to have the experience and move
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forward. They now know that they'removing from what was to what's possible.
First of all, I love thefact that you use the voice as a
as a comparison or something to lookat the love of my life and I
watch the voice, and we willlisten to somebody and then we will turn
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to each other. In fact,we'll pause it. We'll turn to each
other, and then we'll talk aboutwhat we felt from that person more than
just you know, how pleasant thesong was. But we'll go you know,
I felt a connection or I feltthat, or sometimes and will say,
wow, their voice is really good, but I felt nothing that.
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Yes, it didn't connect with me. It doesn't mean it doesn't connect with
other people, but it just didn'tconnect with me. So I love the
fact that you use that as aas an example, because that is what
we do. I love that youdo that. You're actually understanding that you're
sensing into their system. They've openedup their system, which is why they
have a moment. They're no longerthinking what they're doing. They're no longer
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doing it, they're actually being it. And when they drop into the being,
that's when you can feel it andit just shoots all the way out
and you can see it with thejudges. You can see everybody just it's
like everybody sits up and goes WHOA, or you'll see the tears because we've
connected. Yes, I agree.Now, So once you've set up one
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of the like a three D constellationsituation, and you've had these three people
using your example that have said thisis what happened, and this is what
we want you to move forward withouttrying to emulate what we did or you
know, don't take this with you. What are some things that we can
do that that allows us to breakfree and not fall back into that situation?
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Again? Really good question. Sowhat you're that person is the change
agent. So let's go back tothe person with the father, the grandfather,
the great grandfather. What I wouldhave said to that person is I
want you to look at them andtell them that was you. This is
me. I see what happened foryou, and I see what's happened for
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me. I need to choose todo it differently. But I will keep
a place for each one of youin my heart and I will keep you
as motivation to do it very differently. Thank you, because we need to
remember that it is even the uglypatterns in in fact, it's often the
ugly patterns that make us turn,or the scary patterns or the sad patterns.
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I've seen people who I have,people like coach, who are top
executives, and they will say tome, I watched my mother scrubbing floors,
and I said, I am notdoing that, thanks mom, Thanks
mom, And they go what AndI go, thanks mom. Because I
watched you, I knew I hadto do something different. I watched your
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heartbreak, I watched your dreams fade. I couldn't do it, Thanks mom.
In fact, I had one guy, a gentleman, who said to
me his father, whenever he wouldcome and visit, would run away and
sort of stand back behind the table, putting distance between them. And I
said to me, yeah, you'rea very very wealthy man. He isn't.
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You've outpaced him, but he feelslike he's not good enough. I
want you to do one thing forme. And he said okay. I
said, walk in next time yougo, and then walk up to him
and say hey dad, because ofyou me, he said, it changed
everything. The father could take hisplace. He could take his own place,
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and the father could get it.Doesn't mean that because I had a
hard time. I'm no good.I am the seed that created you,
you know. And first of all, I again I couldn't agree more.
I love that approach, and itagain makes me think of working with some
of the young people, and theywould they would say things about their parents,
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you know, they would say yeah, good, good, or bad
or whatever. And and if theywould say something bad, a bad trait
or whatever, and I would say, so what do you think about that?
Well, I think it's horrible andI know I'm never going to do
that. And I go, that'sgood, that's it because you figured it
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out. I didn't have to tellthem. Well, then don't be that.
Just ask the question. Let themsay why is it bothering you?
Well, you know, I'm nevergoing to do that to my kids.
I can't believe they did. Youknow. Good. So the follow on
for that is because you got that'shalf of the thing. Absolutely, But
the following is, so what areyou going to do? That's different?
That's great. I love that becausethen they know what you've just come from
(33:22):
is is instead of having a fate, now you've got a destiny. Now
you're moving in the direction, andyou have a purpose. And when people
have a strong purpose, it pullsthem past all of those old excuses and
into the new paradigm. So purposeis huge. And when I work with
people, some people will say tome, why did it work for them?
(33:43):
And it didn't work for me.You've got to have a purpose that
is stronger than where you are now, and it's got to have enough power
and enough impact to pull you allthe way past the old excuses. And
if you can make it exciting andyou can see something incredible on the other
end, you will not give yourselfa reason to stop. That is great.
(34:07):
Well, I mean, what aresome of the specific systemic dynamics,
be it families, organizations, career, religion, clubs, or whatever that
have that have influenced you the most? Me? Probably family. I have
a or had a dad who camefrom a broken family and his father walked
(34:30):
out at the end of the warand left them, and he was in
charge from about the age of seven, and he taught us family. He
and mom. Mom came from avery very together family and it was about
magic. And I think that's whyDisney's probably you'll see I always wear Mickey
(34:52):
is my favorite thing because in myfamily there was magic in my family,
there was caring and kindness and whatcould you do and how? But my
dad always said to us and said, my mom, how far can you
go? Because we're not about tolimit you. How far can you go?
(35:12):
I think also inclusion very much.I mean, my whole life.
I would come home to find somebodysitting in the kitchen they were hungry,
there would be a meal, somebodyat the back door they didn't have.
There would be given. So Ithink that very much. And then absolutely,
when I was nine years old,I think I was about nine,
(35:32):
Walt died and I was sitting inthe car and I said, no,
no, no, no, no, who's going to make magic now?
And everybody laughed and they looked atme and I said, well then I
will. And that has stayed withme. So for me, it's about
the magic of the soul. It'sabout magic. I get. I get
(35:52):
magic. Magic isn't a nothing.It comes out of our mouths. Every
day. We are wizards, andwe are are our magicians with our words
and with our actions. And Isay to people every day, be careful
you're costing spells with what you sayself spells or other spells. We are
doing it all day long. Ifyou want to do that, look at
(36:15):
somebody and make sure that the wordsthat come out of your mouth will grow
them. Wow. I love that. In fact, for anybody that's out
there, if you're listening. Andagain, and I'm not saying this to
promote my show, but either youknow, send the copy of this show
(36:37):
to somebody, even if it's justfor that particular point right there. The
wisdom in that, in the valueof what it is that we speak and
the direction that it takes us,either positive or negative, that can transform
somebody. That part alone can transformsomebody. Now. The other thing is
is that again it's in the booknow and I didn't get a chance to
(37:00):
read the whole book this week,but so I'm looking forward to it because
there are so many great things likethat to where you go. I can
make a difference. I can doit with my words, I can do
it with my actions. And that'swhat's going on here. And again,
Julie, I just can't thank youenough. You know that you're you're getting
(37:20):
this information out there because you arechanging people's lives. Thank you. That's
very precious and I will I willtread to that. Yeah, words,
words make a huge difference. Iwant to go back to that very quickly
because there's something I think I'll neverforget. I had somebody come pick me
up because I was busy doing themeditations or creating the meditations that are on
(37:45):
my website, and a person pickedme up. They were taking me to
the airport and we had a talk, long talk on the way there,
and we left and as I wasleaving, he said to me, God,
you should charge me for this SEMASIto know you're super welcome. And
I went and I think it wasabout two months later I came back and
the same guy picked me up andhe said to me, I just have
(38:07):
to tell you something because you spokeabout words and the differences they make.
And I said should and he said, I had a gun in my comfort
I was going to shoot myself afterI dropped you off. Wow, you
don't know, you do not knowthe difference your words will make or where
(38:31):
that's incredible. Again, let melet me let me back up a little
bit, so for everybody, everybodyout there, and I do want to
come back to I want some morestory, some more success stories. Absolutely,
But anyways, if you get achance, I'm looking to where I
(38:54):
have your Okay, the website.So Judy just mentioned her website and there
are there are wonderful things on thewebsite, and it is Judy Wilkins dashsmith
dot com. If you're driving youcan't write that down, it's okay.
(39:15):
We'll make sure that we have thaton our site, on the Answers Network
site. So it's more than justthe book. It is the website.
There is a lot of information outthere that you can get from her website
that you can pass on to others. And it's interesting, Judy, when
you just mentioned the guy in thecar that picked you up. Besides the
(39:37):
fact of in essence saving his life, my bet is is that as he's
driving now, he's picking up otherpeople. I don't know how many every
day, but he's paying it forwardabsolutely, sharing with other people. And
that's what all of you out therecan do. You can share it with
other people. It's one of thegreatest ways that you can pay things forward
(40:00):
is by not only passing on goodwords, but sharing how they've affected you
so that other people will continue topass it on as well. So,
Judy, again, one of thethings that we get asked for a lot
on this show is people will say, my favorite part of the show is
(40:23):
the success stories, and sometimes theywill say because it related to them or
it related to someone they know.So if you can share a couple of
your favorite success stories. And wehave about eight minutes left, Okay,
success stories, Gosh, I haveso many of them. I've got a
(40:45):
sittin thing for a minute. Ihave a lot of people who will come
into me really down and struggling.I had one gentleman though, that I
think made me just smile, becauseif you don't think that the universe is
on your side, here we go. This gentleman came in to come and
do a piece of work and hewanted a constellation. And he said to
(41:06):
me, I've been trying to getthis particular deal done for ten years.
And I went, okay, let'sjust have a look. I mean,
I'm not going to sit and dothings here, but let's have a look
and see. So we have alook, we identify some of the pieces,
we start changing the speech and thephrases. He goes out, we
go to lunch, We come backand he goes and I said, to
(41:30):
what he says, they signed thecontract at lunchtime, and I hear this
all the time. When you removeyour obstacle, something else can move in,
or when you're completely aligned, whenyou stop going yes, but yes,
but yes, but so that wasone of them. I think.
Another one of my favorites is thelady who came in and she said,
(41:52):
I want to do a piece ofwork, but I want to do it
with my back to the group.And I said, to okay, she
said yes, because I'm really I'mreally not worthy for people to see it.
My family don't even accept me.And I really really really want my
family to accept me, and theydon't accept me. All they ever give
me are little drops of love.And I'm thinking, oh my, So
(42:13):
I ask her for a history,and she said, I say to it.
So are you married? Yes,I'm married. Are you happily married?
Very happy? And my children loveme and we have good community.
But my family, she said,my brother is like the rest of the
family is very stoic, never showsemotions. I'm the opposite, and all
they've ever given me is just theselittle drops of love. So listen to
(42:37):
that language, right, So Isaid, to tell me their history,
tell me, tell me about yourmom and dad. There were survivors from
the Holocaust, And I said toa stop, were they allowed to express
emotions? And she thinks and shesays, no, not really, because
it could have got them killed.So I said to but do you understand
(42:58):
that the little bit that they couldthey gave to you. And she went,
oh, the little drops of lovewere for you. I said to
her, what are you like inyour community? She says, I bring
lots of love. I said,how do you not belong to your family?
You gave them a legacy. Whatthey couldn't do. You took and
you grew. And she turned aroundand she said to the group, now
(43:22):
I can look at you. Ithink that's one of my That's beautiful.
And then I think the other onefor me was a girl who came in
who could not get a job becauseshe was too ashamed, and she was
waiting for them to rush her outof the job and put her out of
town. And I said to wheredoes that come from? And she said,
(43:42):
well, my father was in Vietnamand when he came back, the
city evicted him. We all hadto leave. The family was pushed out
of town. And she said,and I carry that shame. So we
worked the whole piece through to whereshe could look at her father, and
she could look at the soldiers,and she could look at the people back
home and have those conversations and reallystart to change it. But the person
(44:07):
she'd selected as her father didn't wantto represent, and she said, but
I want you, and he saidall right, and he represented and he
got to the end of it andhe kept saying, how is this possible?
And he just sat down on thefloor with a bump and started to
cry. And I said to what'sgoing on? And he said to this
girl, I will never look atthat again, the same way my father
(44:30):
was drafted. And he refused,how did you choose me? Two people
changed. She said, now Ican hug someone who gets it, and
he said, I can hug somebodywho's been through hell. I am so
sorry. Wow. Well, andwhat I like about this there are stories
(44:57):
next. Everybody has everybody has thing. And I think that in many cases,
when people start start judging before askingquestions, they don't know what's going
on. And so many times,you know, somebody will you know,
I'll be speaking with somebody and they'llbe sharing. Again. I'm an international
detective, so I'm dealing with sometimessome very traumatic situations, right, And
(45:23):
you know, and part of itis is that when when people are judging,
and they're constantly judging and focusing onthe negative of somebody else, what
can we do in others? Wecan't necessarily fix what their situation is,
But what can that person do that'sthe one that's that's judging. What can
(45:45):
they do differently that maybe will helpthemselves and the person that they're listening to.
Super simple. When you're judging,you're missing the clues. Get curious,
don't judge. Get curious. Ifyou get curious, you're going to
be privileged to hear some of themost phenomenal stories you will ever hear in
(46:07):
your life. You're going to seecourage that you didn't understand was there.
You're going to meet heroes. Youare going to meet You're going to meet
heroes like the lady who told meshe was so embarrassed because her mother was
a prostitute, only to find outthat her mother was a hero because she
managed to survive something terrible. Shewas never she was never the villain,
(46:29):
she was the hero. If weare curious, we will find the remarkable.
It's when we judge that we shutthings down to the great point for
everybody out there, ask more questionsand give less opinions, and listen to
the words yes, listen to thewords I listened to, repeating words hot
(46:52):
words. We're tackling on ourselves allday long. We're talking about our systems
all day long. The clue tothe words in your family that repeat,
the phrases that repeat. What dothey say about relationships, what do they
say about money and your family?What do they say about careers, what
do they say about success? Andthen decide is that my fate? Or
(47:15):
am I turning that around to createa destiny? The choice is mine,
Beautiful Judy, I wish that wehad a lot more time. But let
me ask this, what's next forJudy? What are you doing now?
What's coming up? What can Ishare with the people out there so that
(47:36):
they can get more benefit out ofyou, your book and the messages that
you're getting out. So what isgoing to happen is next year I will
probably be running three or four courses. The very big one is the one
at the end of the year.It's usually a themed course, But the
others are the ones that teach thisand people walk away every time changed.
(47:58):
People do not come away from thatunchanged. They can find that at my
website. The meditations. If youwant to change a pattern of your own,
there is a meditation of the Fatherand the Meditation of the Mother.
The composer is an amazing composer.He actually composes with Joe Dispenser as well,
and yeah, he's stunning. Andthen the book. I wrote the
(48:20):
book a because I got nagged andb because I wanted to give some everybody
something that for once would really reallychange their lives. If they pick it
up and they read it, theywill change their lives. That was the
point of the book. Beautiful Again, the book is called Decoding your Emotional
(48:42):
Blueprint. Judy, thank you somuch for coming on. Thank you for
making a positive difference in the world. And again, folks, the website,
I'll make sure that we have thatlisted. Go to the website,
take a look at what's on there. I will be looking at it as
well. I'd love to look atsome of your classes and maybe if we
(49:04):
can have you come back next yearand we can talk a little bit about
the classes and the things that you'regoing to teach that people can then do
this themselves. I would love tocome back. I would love to come
back with the other thing. That'swhat's up next for Judy is I want
to see seven or eight hundred peoplein a room all there because they want
(49:27):
to make a difference in their ownlives and then get out there and make
things happen. And that's the placeto do it perfect And let me know
where that's going to be, andI will make sure that our audience knows
where you're going to have that eighthundred people and you can get seven hundred
and ninety nine people because I wantto be the eight hundredth one, eight
(49:50):
hundredth you are. You got itagain. Thank you so much, Thank
you so much for having me.It was absolutely fun. I look forward
to next year. It's great.Take care and for everybody out there,
please visit our archives of past interviewsat answers dot Network. You can find
this show and so many others thatwe'll somehow find a way to touch your
(50:14):
heart and be able to make apositive difference in your life. You want
to make it easier, just subscribeto the show. You can do it
through Apple Podcasts, through iHeartRadio,Spotify, SoundCloud, YouTube. If you
want to see Us, but there'salso Rumble, Speaker, Beat You,
and many more popular podcasts platforms.Anyway, if you like what you hear,
(50:35):
please leave a review. It'll helpus reach more people and I want
you to know that I greatly appreciateit. The next time you're on Facebook,
Instagram or x Twitter, please rememberstop by our page check out some
of our latest shows. If youlike them, please like us and spread
the word for everybody out there begood human beings and be with us again
next week on Answers Network. Thatthat that that that
Thank you for joining us, andwelcome to another edition of Answers Network.
I'm your host, Alan Cardoza,and for those of you that have been
listening sending in questions and comments,thank you so much and please continue to
help spread the word that every Mondayfrom eleven am to noon Pacific time,
this show will bring on special gueststhat can inspire, educate, and in
(00:35):
some cases entertained while bringing answers andoptions to making our lives happier, healthier,
and more successful. And if youcan't listen live, all of our
shows can be found at answers dotNetwork. And I also want you to
know that I really appreciate it ifyou could all do me a wonderful favor
please forward one of our shows toyour social media group and to someone you
(00:59):
know that can benefit from a particularsubject. This is one powerful way that
we can make a positive influence inthe world together. Now, that's one
of the things that we're going totalk about today. But I'm going to
start with one of the questions thatcame in because it was so timely.
Maureen from New York City rights,my family loves your show. I downloaded
(01:23):
your attitude of Gratitude Journal and gavecopies to my immediate family around the first
of November. On Thanksgiving Day,we each read from our journal something that
we were truly grateful for. Itturned out to be our best Thanksgiving ever.
Now, during our meal, ourtwenty year old daughter asked about generational
trauma. We would love to hearmore about this subject. Well, Maureen,
(01:49):
I had to tell you my producerhas brought us a wonderful person to
address that subject and more. Ourguest, Judy Wilkins Smith, is a
highly regarded family patterns, systemic workand constellations expert, as well as a
transformational coach and motivational speaker who ispassionate about individual growth, visionary leadership,
(02:13):
and positive accelerated global change. Inother words, a perfect fit for our
show. So she is the founderof system Dynamics for individuals and organizations.
Judy has eighteen years of expertise assistinghigh performance individuals Fortune five hundred executives including
(02:35):
Chevron, JP, Morgan, Kellogg's, and Exxon Mobile to name a few,
as well as legacy families, endinglimiting cycles and creating lasting breakthroughs and
transitions into peak performance. Got totell you it doesn't get any better than
(02:55):
that. He's a regular guest onTV news and entertainment show and is the
author of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint,a powerful guide to transformation through disentangling multi
generational patterns. Sounds true, Judy, Welcome to Answers Network. Hi Ellen,
(03:15):
it's great to be here with you. Well, it is my pleasure,
and I love the fact that,from a timing standpoint that we had
one of our listeners or viewers posea question that I just thought was right
there up your alley. So butyou know, but before we dive into
even answering that or the book,what led you on a path to learn
(03:39):
about family patterns, systemic work,and constellations? Yeah, it's what or
who? I'm not too sure whichof those it is. But my background
is actually in medicine. So Iwas in the medical arena, moved over
here. My father was killed.They failed him in all the areas that
(03:59):
I will skilled in, and Iknew that door had closed. And so
it was a case of either writebooks or go crazy, and I figured
that writing books was probably the betteroption. So we went with that,
and doing research for one of mybooks, I met a person who had
started doing this, and they said, come learn what I teach and i'll
help you with a book. Wentand learned, got zero help with the
(04:23):
book, just saying But that ledme down beginning to understand that the patterns
in families. And then I hadpeople say to me, well, if
you can do it for families,can you work with executives. Well,
executives are people too, so thatwas a no brainer. And then they
said can you work with organizations?So I learned about patterns in organizations because
(04:45):
organizations are made up of people,and people are people anywhere. And then
discovered all of these patterns. Imean Helenga talks about them, but kind
of uncovered a few that of myown. And then somebody said to me,
well, of course you're going toknow how to do this, and
I went why and they said,well it started in South Africa. I
didn't know that. Oh yeah,And they said to me, so,
(05:08):
how about this? They said,it started in South Africa with the Zulu
tribe. When I left South Africa, the gentleman who gave my farewell speech
was a Zulu gentleman, and hesaid to me, you may be leaving
us, but you'll find a wayto represent us in the world, and
I went, yeah, yeah,and now I do it every day.
(05:32):
Well, if you can share withwith our with our audience a little bit
about what this is, because Iknow that you know I've I've mentioned it.
There are people that I talked toI see at the gym or whatever,
and they're like, what's your showgoing to be about? And when
I mentioned things like generational trauma,sometimes people's eyes glass over. So share
(05:58):
a little bit about about what itis that we're talking about. Okay,
soone to do it this way.I teach emotional DNA that decoding your emotional
blueprint is pretty much telling you what'shappened, what it's cost you, and
what you can do with it.So everybody knows you inherit your physical DNA,
but most people don't realize you inherityour emotional DNA. Your patterns of
(06:20):
thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions. You inherit those. So you come
on to work with me and youstruggle with anger. You've struggled with anger
since you were tiny, You've alwaysbeen angry. Or what we do is
we go in search of the anger. Where did it come from? Who
does it belong? To what wasthe originating event and how has that cascaded
(06:44):
those patterns down, which it does, and so you have you'll have patterns
of anger. Perhaps you struggle withmoney. In our family, everybody loses
money. Okay, where did thatstart? What was the originating event?
And if you don't know what theevent was, look at your own life
and see where it started for you. But the point remains that you're inheriting
(07:05):
those patterns of thoughts, feelings,and actions, and we call those intergenerational
emotional inheritances. But then you getmulti generational generational trauma. So somebody in
the family has something terrible happened tothem, and then it seems to happen
to every single generation. In fact, I think my favorite was a woman
(07:28):
who came to see me and shesaid, I want to understand about my
legs, and I went, excuseme. She said, yes, all
the women in this family have thesestocky legs. So I said, okay,
talk to me, let's see wherewe go. Turns out that for
six generations, all the men hadlost their right legs, so the women
became the legs of the family.And what we don't understand is that we're
(07:53):
sitting at all times, what allthe clues we need to make a great
life. It is not multi generationor trauma. It's a multi generational gift
that trauma keeps going down through thegenerations and it keeps going see me,
see me, see me. Becausewith this woman with the legs, the
(08:18):
woman had become strong. The giftwas strength once she could see that.
And this we find with everybody whoworks with us. The minute you can
see the pattern that's trying to speakto you, it no longer needs to
exist. But what it is askingis I am a gift to you.
Can you see what I can becomein your hands? So let's go back
(08:39):
to the money piece. You haveeverybody, all the generations lose money,
and everybody's terrified of money. Andit's great grandfather's fault because he lost the
money originally, so it's all hisfault. Well, okay, and the
long comes five generations later you comealong with go. But I don't want
to lose money like everybody else.I'm going to do it differently. The
(09:03):
minute you do that, you've seenthe pattern and now you're changing it and
you're writing the chapter that only youcan write. So that so called trauma
is actually pushing you to turn itinto the gift it was meant to be
so multigenerational. Trauma is one smallaspect of it, but it is really
(09:24):
a multi generational gift, and youare the inheritor and it's waiting for you
to do something incredible with it.Well, first of all, I love
you. I love the fact thatwe're talking about something that's very positive that
can come out of it. Butwhat I hear you saying is that these
things are passed down and it reallydepends on us as to what we do
(09:48):
with them or how we accept orthat's what it is, one hundred percent.
You can look at it through twolenses. You can say me too,
it's hit me too. Or youcan look at and go, I
am never doing that, and youturn it around. Here's the problem.
If you don't know what you're doing, you still miss the gift in that
pattern will keep echoing. But theminute you can look at it and say,
(10:11):
you know, when I look atall of my ancestors and see how
they struggled, thanks, guys,you're now teaching me to do it differently.
You're teaching me to be mindful ofit and treat it in another way
because of all of you, I'mgoing to do it differently. And now
I'm going to change the emotional DNA, and so we begin a new thing.
(10:33):
So all of a sudden, yourson comes along and says to his
son, oh, my dad taughtus all about money. He told us
to be mindful. He showed ushow to save it, he showed us
how to invest it. But don'tforget the event that started it, and
don't ever exclude the one who wasthe starting person in that. They need
to be seen and given their placeso that you can take yours are saying
(11:00):
that it's it's reminding me of astory. So I want to use what
you're talking about, but I wantto to address racial prejudice. And one
of the things that one of thejobs that I did in the past,
you know, I worked with atrisk youth and in doing so, we
(11:22):
worked with a lot of young peopledealing with a variety of different traumas.
And in one case, we hada young man who we were taking to
a specialized program, but part ofhis issue was he had he had done
some things that he was a whiteboy from a wealthy family and he had
(11:45):
done some racist things, and Isent one of our agents, a incredibly
intelligent, compassionate, mentally, physicallyin spirit, virtually sound black man,
to transport him to the program.And part of it was that I just
(12:09):
thought it was the right person.But the other part was I thought maybe
this young man had not dealt withsomeone of this caliber, that he just
hadn't had this, or maybe itwas something that was passed on. And
I got a phone call over aweekend from an irate father who said,
(12:31):
you sent this man to come takemy son to a program? Said,
yes, I did. Is therea problem? Well, he's black,
And I said, well, andI said, has he done anything incorrectly?
I said, his job is he'sto get there, is to take
your son and safely get him offto the program. Is there a particular
(12:54):
issue that he's something that he's done. No, but I can't believe that
you've done this and stuff. AndI said, well, I guarantee you
that he will do a great jobof getting your child to this program.
And it sounds like there isn't aproblem that I can see, So thank
you for your call. And Ihung up and Marvin, my friend and
(13:18):
our agent, that took that boy, was incredible with him, and I
ended up getting a call because thatboy went to a short term program.
We were then called to pick himup to take him from the short term
program to a boarding school, butthey wanted to bring him home first,
(13:39):
and I said, yeah, that'sfine, and the father said, can
you send the same man? AndI said, we certainly can, and
so Marvin went to work the case. He picked up the man for the
young boy from the program, wentback to the home because they had to
pack up some things before he wentto boarding school, so he was there
(14:01):
overnight. You know. I toldthe father that I would you know,
I'd book a hotel for our agentand for their son. He said,
no, I'd like them to staywith us. Okay. They went to
dinner at the country club. Marvinstayed at their house, and the father
(14:22):
called me afterwards, and then Marvintook him off to the thing. Called
me afterwards and apologized and said,I think that I was passing on something
to my son that needed to change. Thank you for introducing us to Marvin
and us seeing what a great humanbeing he is. And there it is
(14:46):
right, that pattern, and sometimesit requires a bump. Sometimes it's not
easy. And the change agent isthe kid, but the change agent is
also Marvin, and the change agenthe is the father. So you had
a three in one, which isremarkable. Yeah, I was so Again,
(15:07):
I just think that, you know, I felt that it was so
blessed that that worked out the waythat it did. And I was more
looking towards the boy, and Ihate to say it, sort of having
given up on the prior generation,you know, thinking that wherever he got
this, you know, I wantedhim to interact with someone to just make
(15:28):
him start thinking as a teenager aboutwas this something he wanted to carry on.
But as you said, I wasthere was a great bonus to this
that even the father got it.Yeah, And this is something that we
find with generational patterns is that theminute it begins to change in one passion,
one generation, the change echoed,it goes forward and it echoes backwards.
(15:52):
So you see this all the time. It's it's remarkable, and then
again it changes that emotional DNA isa strong enough emotional imprint on the system
that also has been well studied,then creates an imprint that will activate or
deactivate the proteins on your genetic piece. So now you've got a double time
(16:15):
to change. Yep. And theother thing that I like is is that
you talk about the fact that there'salso incredibly positive patterns that you know,
on the one hand, there arepatterns that maybe may not be so good,
and we want to have a choiceto be able to go in one
direction or the other. But talkabout some of the positive things that we
(16:38):
can do or that we can passon, pass on, But what are
some of the things that can helpus figure out which ones are the ones
that are that are coming to usfrom past generations. Okay, so that
one's a nice easy one. Actually, what you want to do is you
have a look at the places whereyou're stubborn and upset, stuck. Those
(17:03):
ones stubborn, angry, upset.There's another one, but but those are
your big ones when you really holda dogmatic point of view, and it's
the right one. Go looking becauseyou're you're sitting with what we call systemic
sentences. So systemic sentence is asentence or words that echo through the system.
(17:25):
We don't like black people, asyou just pointed out, or black
people are or we don't like whitepeople because white people are or everybody in
our family loses money or we're alwaysdepressed and sad. That's just how we
are. When you're you're telling methat that's the way I am, there's
a piece that's going and is thatthe way that you want to be?
(17:49):
So that's word yes, And wheredid that come from? I mean,
isn't that also the question? It'svery much, it's so the typically what
I'll ask is, Okay, whendid that first start for you? What
was happening in your life at thetime, What did you make it mean
about you? What did you makeit mean about others? Is there anyone
else in the family that has apattern similar to this or anyone significant?
(18:15):
Because if there was somebody who wassignificant in your life, that may also
have impacted things, and you willhave the multi generational pattern. So those
are the questions that you would askyourself, And then how would I like
it to be? Because systems areelegant creatures, and so is systemic work.
You're always sitting with Here is apattern trying to stop, and here
(18:37):
is a pattern trying to start,and the two look at each other.
So when I'm angry, and I'malways angry, what needs to stop the
anger. What's trying to start.I want to be joyful, I want
to be light. I want tohave that attitude of gratitude. I want
to go out there and make adifference. You can. I think people
do not realize how much power theyhave, not only within themselves but within
(19:03):
their family system if they know them, but absolutely in themselves. The words
that they speak and the actions theytake, the feelings that they feel,
all within our control, and wecan use them for great good if we
want to, and great success.And from what I hear you saying,
and this isn't just I know we'retalking about generational, but I think we're
(19:27):
also talking about right now. Inother words, it doesn't have to be
a generational thing. And it actuallymakes me think that there's a story that
a very famous major league manager talksabout. In fact, I think it
was Joe Tory, but in oneof his books he talks about the fact
of the words that we plant inourselves and he said him, he said
(19:51):
him walking the difference between him walkingout to the mound and telling that batter
or that picture this batter likes theball low and outside, don't pitch him
low and outside and he said theproblem with that, or what he learned
as a manager is he says,all that's stuck in his head was low
(20:12):
and outside, and so he didexactly what he told him not to do,
and the guy hits a home run. So he said that what he
learned as a manager, from ayoung manager to a more experienced manager was
he would instead walk out there andsay, you are great, and you
can get this guy out, andyou can throw this guy high and inside
(20:34):
and you will strike him out.There you go, And he suggests the
difference in those two sentences was thedifference between success and failure, both for
that pitcher and for him as amanager. So what he was saying there,
and it's super super super important,is when the brain tells the body
(20:56):
a story that the body believes,that's your truth. Now, when I
teach people, I talk about head, heart, gut. So if you
are it's never that you've got aclosed mind, it's that you have a
closed heart. Something happens and yougo and the heart shuts down and the
brain goes into survival and then thegut tightens. When your heart opens up,
(21:19):
the brain goes, oh good,she's awake. Let's go and look,
let's look, let's look, andit starts to imagine and then the
gut becomes what it was always meantto be, which is the inner compass.
So I say to people, youwant to look for the alignment of
their head, heartgut, and theysay, I don't know how to do
that, and I go, oh, yes, you do. You absolutely
do. You get up in themorning you say, I'm such a fool,
(21:40):
and your heart closes and your headgoes, yeah, I can't things
straight. I'm such a fool,and your stomach goes Now you've aligned negatively.
All you got to do is dothe same thing positively, Alan,
I wish I could tell you howpowerful we are within ourselves well with with
a lot of the people that youwork with. Where do most people struggle
(22:03):
the most with their mindset? I'mnot good enough and I'm an impostor.
I mean I literally have billionaires whowill tell me I've got to keep saving,
I've got to keep saving, andI'm like what, And then I
go into their story and it's myfamily was never safe and they haven't.
They've cottoned on to the event,but they haven't finished the event, And
(22:26):
said now we are safe, it'sokay to play. Or they'll say to
me, somebody's going to find meout. Somebody's going to find me.
I hear that all the time withentrepreneurs, and I go, stop,
you don't have impostor syndrome. You'vegot pioneer syndrome. Pioneer syndrome means I
don't have the answers, but I'mwilling to go and look, that's a
(22:48):
pioneer. It is not an impostor. And when we start to recognize that,
then instead of trash talking ourselves,we start to transform talk ourselves.
And it makes all the difference.When your brain and your gut and your
heart are aligned, you can accomplishwhat you want every time. Now is
(23:10):
part of what you're doing. AndI love that you're changing the vernacular with
them, But are you also makingthem aware of the origins so that they
can put it behind them? Absolutely? So, Typically what will happen is,
let's say let's say that you haveone of the kids that you're talking
about who and I always think therewas a famous NFL player. You'll know
(23:32):
exactly who I'm speaking about who washad up for murder. And then they
found out his father had been andhis grandfather had been and I want to
tell you, it broke my heartbecause had I worked with him, I
would have said to him, andwhat we do is we use live representatives
because we're very easily able to transferthoughts and feelings onto inanimate or other animate
(23:55):
objects. So I would have takena representative for his father, and a
represent entative for his grandfather, andmaybe one for his grandfather. And I've
done that before, and I linethem up, one behind the other,
and I get them to tell thisguy, here's what happened, Here's what
happened. Here's what happened. Andthen I would have turned him around and
(24:15):
said, put your hands at hisback and push him forward and tell him
do it differently. And I'll promiseyou Alan with just that, it's that
boom, it's that whole visceral lockin that changes people, and they go,
I was meant to do it differently. If you look at Disney,
Disney knows that they know there's thatthe hero within, the bigger person within,
(24:38):
and they tap into it directly.This work does the same thing.
We use those live representatives. Wego back to the event so they can
actually see it and experience it inthree D. So now we're engaging multiple
senses and they're having this visceral experienceof what they've been through or what's up
(24:59):
there. And then we start tochange the language with them and you can
see the whole body shake or joltand it'll realign and they will they'll actually
turn around say to me, Ican't think that way anymore now because I
can't, I can't feel that wayanymore, and you'll watch the body realign.
So this is it's three D work, but it's taking what you've got
(25:22):
in here, putting it out infront of you, working it in three
D, and the person walks outvery different. The book is called I'll
Decode in Your Emotional Blueprint. Withus is Judy Wilkins Smith. We're going
to take a break. If youknow somebody that can benefit from this,
send them a quick message and tellthem listen. We'll be right back in
(25:47):
about a minute, in fifteen seconds, so stay with us. You're listening
to or watching Answers Network Conflict Internationalexperts are uncovering the truth. Our specialist
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(26:08):
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Conflict International dot com Global Reach,Local Knowledge, and we're back with us
(26:55):
as Judy Wilkins Smith. We're talkingabout decoding your emotional blueprint. Judy,
one of the things you talk aboutin the book is constellations, So share
with all of us what are constellationsand why are they so effective at revealing
our family patterns. So that's whatI was actually talking to you about.
That three D process. Yeah,that's the three D process. OKAYD process.
(27:18):
We use live representatives. And here'sthe interesting piece as well. We
don't realize that we key into eachother's systems all day long. You look
at somebody and go oh, oryou look at somebody and go gosh,
they're nice. You're sensing into theirsystem. And so people say to me,
that's not possible. I'd say,think about it. When you watch
America's Got Talent or The Voice orany one of those, and somebody suddenly
(27:41):
hits it and you get goosebumps.You've just sensed into your system. So
when we use those representatives, veryoften the representatives may move or may say
something, and my clients go,how do they know that they know to
move? And so while you're havingthis experience, you're employing site, sound,
(28:03):
touch. So it's multi sensorial andit's an embodied experience. And this
embodied experience allows you to shift inthe moment. For some people it can
take a long time, but formany it's in the moment. They keep
that keeps repeating and it keeps requeuing them to have the experience and move
(28:27):
forward. They now know that they'removing from what was to what's possible.
First of all, I love thefact that you use the voice as a
as a comparison or something to lookat the love of my life and I
watch the voice, and we willlisten to somebody and then we will turn
(28:48):
to each other. In fact,we'll pause it. We'll turn to each
other, and then we'll talk aboutwhat we felt from that person more than
just you know, how pleasant thesong was. But we'll go you know,
I felt a connection or I feltthat, or sometimes and will say,
wow, their voice is really good, but I felt nothing that.
(29:10):
Yes, it didn't connect with me. It doesn't mean it doesn't connect with
other people, but it just didn'tconnect with me. So I love the
fact that you use that as aas an example, because that is what
we do. I love that youdo that. You're actually understanding that you're
sensing into their system. They've openedup their system, which is why they
have a moment. They're no longerthinking what they're doing. They're no longer
(29:33):
doing it, they're actually being it. And when they drop into the being,
that's when you can feel it andit just shoots all the way out
and you can see it with thejudges. You can see everybody just it's
like everybody sits up and goes WHOA, or you'll see the tears because we've
connected. Yes, I agree.Now, So once you've set up one
(29:56):
of the like a three D constellationsituation, and you've had these three people
using your example that have said thisis what happened, and this is what
we want you to move forward withouttrying to emulate what we did or you
know, don't take this with you. What are some things that we can
do that that allows us to breakfree and not fall back into that situation?
(30:22):
Again? Really good question. Sowhat you're that person is the change
agent. So let's go back tothe person with the father, the grandfather,
the great grandfather. What I wouldhave said to that person is I
want you to look at them andtell them that was you. This is
me. I see what happened foryou, and I see what's happened for
(30:44):
me. I need to choose todo it differently. But I will keep
a place for each one of youin my heart and I will keep you
as motivation to do it very differently. Thank you, because we need to
remember that it is even the uglypatterns in in fact, it's often the
ugly patterns that make us turn,or the scary patterns or the sad patterns.
(31:06):
I've seen people who I have,people like coach, who are top
executives, and they will say tome, I watched my mother scrubbing floors,
and I said, I am notdoing that, thanks mom, Thanks
mom, And they go what AndI go, thanks mom. Because I
watched you, I knew I hadto do something different. I watched your
(31:27):
heartbreak, I watched your dreams fade. I couldn't do it, Thanks mom.
In fact, I had one guy, a gentleman, who said to
me his father, whenever he wouldcome and visit, would run away and
sort of stand back behind the table, putting distance between them. And I
said to me, yeah, you'rea very very wealthy man. He isn't.
(31:48):
You've outpaced him, but he feelslike he's not good enough. I
want you to do one thing forme. And he said okay. I
said, walk in next time yougo, and then walk up to him
and say hey dad, because ofyou me, he said, it changed
everything. The father could take hisplace. He could take his own place,
(32:12):
and the father could get it.Doesn't mean that because I had a
hard time. I'm no good.I am the seed that created you,
you know. And first of all, I again I couldn't agree more.
I love that approach, and itagain makes me think of working with some
of the young people, and theywould they would say things about their parents,
(32:35):
you know, they would say yeah, good, good, or bad
or whatever. And and if theywould say something bad, a bad trait
or whatever, and I would say, so what do you think about that?
Well, I think it's horrible andI know I'm never going to do
that. And I go, that'sgood, that's it because you figured it
(32:57):
out. I didn't have to tellthem. Well, then don't be that.
Just ask the question. Let themsay why is it bothering you?
Well, you know, I'm nevergoing to do that to my kids.
I can't believe they did. Youknow. Good. So the follow on
for that is because you got that'shalf of the thing. Absolutely, But
the following is, so what areyou going to do? That's different?
That's great. I love that becausethen they know what you've just come from
(33:22):
is is instead of having a fate, now you've got a destiny. Now
you're moving in the direction, andyou have a purpose. And when people
have a strong purpose, it pullsthem past all of those old excuses and
into the new paradigm. So purposeis huge. And when I work with
people, some people will say tome, why did it work for them?
(33:43):
And it didn't work for me.You've got to have a purpose that
is stronger than where you are now, and it's got to have enough power
and enough impact to pull you allthe way past the old excuses. And
if you can make it exciting andyou can see something incredible on the other
end, you will not give yourselfa reason to stop. That is great.
(34:07):
Well, I mean, what aresome of the specific systemic dynamics,
be it families, organizations, career, religion, clubs, or whatever that
have that have influenced you the most? Me? Probably family. I have
a or had a dad who camefrom a broken family and his father walked
(34:30):
out at the end of the warand left them, and he was in
charge from about the age of seven, and he taught us family. He
and mom. Mom came from avery very together family and it was about
magic. And I think that's whyDisney's probably you'll see I always wear Mickey
(34:52):
is my favorite thing because in myfamily there was magic in my family,
there was caring and kindness and whatcould you do and how? But my
dad always said to us and said, my mom, how far can you
go? Because we're not about tolimit you. How far can you go?
(35:12):
I think also inclusion very much.I mean, my whole life.
I would come home to find somebodysitting in the kitchen they were hungry,
there would be a meal, somebodyat the back door they didn't have.
There would be given. So Ithink that very much. And then absolutely,
when I was nine years old,I think I was about nine,
(35:32):
Walt died and I was sitting inthe car and I said, no,
no, no, no, no, who's going to make magic now?
And everybody laughed and they looked atme and I said, well then I
will. And that has stayed withme. So for me, it's about
the magic of the soul. It'sabout magic. I get. I get
(35:52):
magic. Magic isn't a nothing.It comes out of our mouths. Every
day. We are wizards, andwe are are our magicians with our words
and with our actions. And Isay to people every day, be careful
you're costing spells with what you sayself spells or other spells. We are
doing it all day long. Ifyou want to do that, look at
(36:15):
somebody and make sure that the wordsthat come out of your mouth will grow
them. Wow. I love that. In fact, for anybody that's out
there, if you're listening. Andagain, and I'm not saying this to
promote my show, but either youknow, send the copy of this show
(36:37):
to somebody, even if it's justfor that particular point right there. The
wisdom in that, in the valueof what it is that we speak and
the direction that it takes us,either positive or negative, that can transform
somebody. That part alone can transformsomebody. Now. The other thing is
is that again it's in the booknow and I didn't get a chance to
(37:00):
read the whole book this week,but so I'm looking forward to it because
there are so many great things likethat to where you go. I can
make a difference. I can doit with my words, I can do
it with my actions. And that'swhat's going on here. And again,
Julie, I just can't thank youenough. You know that you're you're getting
(37:20):
this information out there because you arechanging people's lives. Thank you. That's
very precious and I will I willtread to that. Yeah, words,
words make a huge difference. Iwant to go back to that very quickly
because there's something I think I'll neverforget. I had somebody come pick me
up because I was busy doing themeditations or creating the meditations that are on
(37:45):
my website, and a person pickedme up. They were taking me to
the airport and we had a talk, long talk on the way there,
and we left and as I wasleaving, he said to me, God,
you should charge me for this SEMASIto know you're super welcome. And
I went and I think it wasabout two months later I came back and
the same guy picked me up andhe said to me, I just have
(38:07):
to tell you something because you spokeabout words and the differences they make.
And I said should and he said, I had a gun in my comfort
I was going to shoot myself afterI dropped you off. Wow, you
don't know, you do not knowthe difference your words will make or where
(38:31):
that's incredible. Again, let melet me let me back up a little
bit, so for everybody, everybodyout there, and I do want to
come back to I want some morestory, some more success stories. Absolutely,
But anyways, if you get achance, I'm looking to where I
(38:54):
have your Okay, the website.So Judy just mentioned her website and there
are there are wonderful things on thewebsite, and it is Judy Wilkins dashsmith
dot com. If you're driving youcan't write that down, it's okay.
(39:15):
We'll make sure that we have thaton our site, on the Answers Network
site. So it's more than justthe book. It is the website.
There is a lot of information outthere that you can get from her website
that you can pass on to others. And it's interesting, Judy, when
you just mentioned the guy in thecar that picked you up. Besides the
(39:37):
fact of in essence saving his life, my bet is is that as he's
driving now, he's picking up otherpeople. I don't know how many every
day, but he's paying it forwardabsolutely, sharing with other people. And
that's what all of you out therecan do. You can share it with
other people. It's one of thegreatest ways that you can pay things forward
(40:00):
is by not only passing on goodwords, but sharing how they've affected you
so that other people will continue topass it on as well. So,
Judy, again, one of thethings that we get asked for a lot
on this show is people will say, my favorite part of the show is
(40:23):
the success stories, and sometimes theywill say because it related to them or
it related to someone they know.So if you can share a couple of
your favorite success stories. And wehave about eight minutes left, Okay,
success stories, Gosh, I haveso many of them. I've got a
(40:45):
sittin thing for a minute. Ihave a lot of people who will come
into me really down and struggling.I had one gentleman though, that I
think made me just smile, becauseif you don't think that the universe is
on your side, here we go. This gentleman came in to come and
do a piece of work and hewanted a constellation. And he said to
(41:06):
me, I've been trying to getthis particular deal done for ten years.
And I went, okay, let'sjust have a look. I mean,
I'm not going to sit and dothings here, but let's have a look
and see. So we have alook, we identify some of the pieces,
we start changing the speech and thephrases. He goes out, we
go to lunch, We come backand he goes and I said, to
(41:30):
what he says, they signed thecontract at lunchtime, and I hear this
all the time. When you removeyour obstacle, something else can move in,
or when you're completely aligned, whenyou stop going yes, but yes,
but yes, but so that wasone of them. I think.
Another one of my favorites is thelady who came in and she said,
(41:52):
I want to do a piece ofwork, but I want to do it
with my back to the group.And I said, to okay, she
said yes, because I'm really I'mreally not worthy for people to see it.
My family don't even accept me.And I really really really want my
family to accept me, and theydon't accept me. All they ever give
me are little drops of love.And I'm thinking, oh my, So
(42:13):
I ask her for a history,and she said, I say to it.
So are you married? Yes,I'm married. Are you happily married?
Very happy? And my children loveme and we have good community.
But my family, she said,my brother is like the rest of the
family is very stoic, never showsemotions. I'm the opposite, and all
they've ever given me is just theselittle drops of love. So listen to
(42:37):
that language, right, So Isaid, to tell me their history,
tell me, tell me about yourmom and dad. There were survivors from
the Holocaust, And I said toa stop, were they allowed to express
emotions? And she thinks and shesays, no, not really, because
it could have got them killed.So I said to but do you understand
(42:58):
that the little bit that they couldthey gave to you. And she went,
oh, the little drops of lovewere for you. I said to
her, what are you like inyour community? She says, I bring
lots of love. I said,how do you not belong to your family?
You gave them a legacy. Whatthey couldn't do. You took and
you grew. And she turned aroundand she said to the group, now
(43:22):
I can look at you. Ithink that's one of my That's beautiful.
And then I think the other onefor me was a girl who came in
who could not get a job becauseshe was too ashamed, and she was
waiting for them to rush her outof the job and put her out of
town. And I said to wheredoes that come from? And she said,
(43:42):
well, my father was in Vietnamand when he came back, the
city evicted him. We all hadto leave. The family was pushed out
of town. And she said,and I carry that shame. So we
worked the whole piece through to whereshe could look at her father, and
she could look at the soldiers,and she could look at the people back
home and have those conversations and reallystart to change it. But the person
(44:07):
she'd selected as her father didn't wantto represent, and she said, but
I want you, and he saidall right, and he represented and he
got to the end of it andhe kept saying, how is this possible?
And he just sat down on thefloor with a bump and started to
cry. And I said to what'sgoing on? And he said to this
girl, I will never look atthat again, the same way my father
(44:30):
was drafted. And he refused,how did you choose me? Two people
changed. She said, now Ican hug someone who gets it, and
he said, I can hug somebodywho's been through hell. I am so
sorry. Wow. Well, andwhat I like about this there are stories
(44:57):
next. Everybody has everybody has thing. And I think that in many cases,
when people start start judging before askingquestions, they don't know what's going
on. And so many times,you know, somebody will you know,
I'll be speaking with somebody and they'llbe sharing. Again. I'm an international
detective, so I'm dealing with sometimessome very traumatic situations, right, And
(45:23):
you know, and part of itis is that when when people are judging,
and they're constantly judging and focusing onthe negative of somebody else, what
can we do in others? Wecan't necessarily fix what their situation is,
But what can that person do that'sthe one that's that's judging. What can
(45:45):
they do differently that maybe will helpthemselves and the person that they're listening to.
Super simple. When you're judging,you're missing the clues. Get curious,
don't judge. Get curious. Ifyou get curious, you're going to
be privileged to hear some of themost phenomenal stories you will ever hear in
(46:07):
your life. You're going to seecourage that you didn't understand was there.
You're going to meet heroes. Youare going to meet You're going to meet
heroes like the lady who told meshe was so embarrassed because her mother was
a prostitute, only to find outthat her mother was a hero because she
managed to survive something terrible. Shewas never she was never the villain,
(46:29):
she was the hero. If weare curious, we will find the remarkable.
It's when we judge that we shutthings down to the great point for
everybody out there, ask more questionsand give less opinions, and listen to
the words yes, listen to thewords I listened to, repeating words hot
(46:52):
words. We're tackling on ourselves allday long. We're talking about our systems
all day long. The clue tothe words in your family that repeat,
the phrases that repeat. What dothey say about relationships, what do they
say about money and your family?What do they say about careers, what
do they say about success? Andthen decide is that my fate? Or
(47:15):
am I turning that around to createa destiny? The choice is mine,
Beautiful Judy, I wish that wehad a lot more time. But let
me ask this, what's next forJudy? What are you doing now?
What's coming up? What can Ishare with the people out there so that
(47:36):
they can get more benefit out ofyou, your book and the messages that
you're getting out. So what isgoing to happen is next year I will
probably be running three or four courses. The very big one is the one
at the end of the year.It's usually a themed course, But the
others are the ones that teach thisand people walk away every time changed.
(47:58):
People do not come away from thatunchanged. They can find that at my
website. The meditations. If youwant to change a pattern of your own,
there is a meditation of the Fatherand the Meditation of the Mother.
The composer is an amazing composer.He actually composes with Joe Dispenser as well,
and yeah, he's stunning. Andthen the book. I wrote the
(48:20):
book a because I got nagged andb because I wanted to give some everybody
something that for once would really reallychange their lives. If they pick it
up and they read it, theywill change their lives. That was the
point of the book. Beautiful Again, the book is called Decoding your Emotional
(48:42):
Blueprint. Judy, thank you somuch for coming on. Thank you for
making a positive difference in the world. And again, folks, the website,
I'll make sure that we have thatlisted. Go to the website,
take a look at what's on there. I will be looking at it as
well. I'd love to look atsome of your classes and maybe if we
(49:04):
can have you come back next yearand we can talk a little bit about
the classes and the things that you'regoing to teach that people can then do
this themselves. I would love tocome back. I would love to come
back with the other thing. That'swhat's up next for Judy is I want
to see seven or eight hundred peoplein a room all there because they want
(49:27):
to make a difference in their ownlives and then get out there and make
things happen. And that's the placeto do it perfect And let me know
where that's going to be, andI will make sure that our audience knows
where you're going to have that eighthundred people and you can get seven hundred
and ninety nine people because I wantto be the eight hundredth one, eight
(49:50):
hundredth you are. You got itagain. Thank you so much, Thank
you so much for having me.It was absolutely fun. I look forward
to next year. It's great.Take care and for everybody out there,
please visit our archives of past interviewsat answers dot Network. You can find
this show and so many others thatwe'll somehow find a way to touch your
(50:14):
heart and be able to make apositive difference in your life. You want
to make it easier, just subscribeto the show. You can do it
through Apple Podcasts, through iHeartRadio,Spotify, SoundCloud, YouTube. If you
want to see Us, but there'salso Rumble, Speaker, Beat You,
and many more popular podcasts platforms.Anyway, if you like what you hear,
(50:35):
please leave a review. It'll helpus reach more people and I want
you to know that I greatly appreciateit. The next time you're on Facebook,
Instagram or x Twitter, please rememberstop by our page check out some
of our latest shows. If youlike them, please like us and spread
the word for everybody out there begood human beings and be with us again
next week on Answers Network. Thatthat that that that
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