August 20, 2025 • 54 mins
In this deeply moving episode of Chatting with Betsy, host Betsy Wurzel welcomes poet, survivor, and mental health advocate Desiree Pearl to share her inspiring story in Desiree Pearl’s Journey Through Trauma and Healing. Introduced to Betsy by her son Josh Sloan, Desiree opens up about her path of resilience, the risks of vulnerability, and the powerful role writing played in her decades-long journey to confront trauma and embrace healing.🎧 Listen to the audio interview with Betsy Wurzel and Desiree Pearl as they explore life’s challenges, resilience, and the power of healing.📌 Click here to listen...Desiree discusses her powerful new book, TRASH: A Survivor’s Journey Through Trauma, Abuse, and Healing, which took 20 years to write. She and Betsy take a deep dive into the courage it takes to share one’s story, knowing it exposes the most vulnerable parts of oneself. In Desiree Pearl’s Journey Through Trauma and Healing, she explains how setting boundaries can upset those who once disrespected or abused us — and why finding the right therapist can require patience and persistence.They explore how childhood trauma shapes us as adults, and why acknowledging and validating painful feelings is essential for recovery. Desiree shares her own experiences of losing both parents young, living with a hoarder grandmother, and enduring narcissistic relationships. Her candid words, “The first time I married my father.
The second time, I married my grandmother,” reveal the patterns many survivors recognize — attracting what is familiar to the brain.The conversation also highlights the lingering stigma around mental health care. Seeking support, Desiree insists, is a sign of strength, especially when faced with gaslighting, name-calling, and a lack of understanding from those around you.
Desiree Pearl’s Journey Through Trauma and Healing, both she and Betsy remind listeners that we are all works in progress — and that small acts of kindness can have a life-changing impact.Desiree’s message is one of hope: you are not alone, there is light even in the darkest times, and you must never give up. Her work is a testament to the healing power of perseverance, creativity, and connection.
Betys was truly inspired chatting with Desiree Pearl, and this conversation touched me deeply. Her courage, honesty, and strength shine through in every word, and Betsy knows her story will resonate with many of you.For more information about Desiree Pearl and her powerful book TRASH: A Survivor’s Journey Through Trauma, Abuse, and Healing, please visit her website where you can order a copy and connect directly with her:
👉 Desiree Pearl’s Website & Book
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/chatting-with-betsy--4211847/support.
The second time, I married my grandmother,” reveal the patterns many survivors recognize — attracting what is familiar to the brain.The conversation also highlights the lingering stigma around mental health care. Seeking support, Desiree insists, is a sign of strength, especially when faced with gaslighting, name-calling, and a lack of understanding from those around you.
Desiree Pearl’s Journey Through Trauma and Healing, both she and Betsy remind listeners that we are all works in progress — and that small acts of kindness can have a life-changing impact.Desiree’s message is one of hope: you are not alone, there is light even in the darkest times, and you must never give up. Her work is a testament to the healing power of perseverance, creativity, and connection.
Betys was truly inspired chatting with Desiree Pearl, and this conversation touched me deeply. Her courage, honesty, and strength shine through in every word, and Betsy knows her story will resonate with many of you.For more information about Desiree Pearl and her powerful book TRASH: A Survivor’s Journey Through Trauma, Abuse, and Healing, please visit her website where you can order a copy and connect directly with her:
👉 Desiree Pearl’s Website & Book
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/chatting-with-betsy--4211847/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone, This is Betsy Wurzel.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You're a host of Chunny with Betsy. I'm plas your
World Talk Radio Network, a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
I're a mantress to educate and entertain. I want to
thank you for joining me today and taking me with
you wherever you are. And if you don't know, we're ready.
(00:25):
I can be heard on Alexa if you have Amazon,
so check that out. I am so excited today about
my guest. I have a Jersey girl in the house. Yay,
yay for us Jersey Dells. And I'm allowd to just
gonna give you a little bit of a story. My
(00:47):
son Josh as friends with my guest partner. And Josh
told me Desiree is on another podcast can you interview
her about her book?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And I said short, So.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
With me today is Desiree Pearl, who's a Jersey gal
and she is a poet, survivor, and mental health advocate
who uses her writing to shine a light on trauma,
resilience and the lifelong journey of healing. Trash is her
debut collection written for anyone who's ever been made to
(01:27):
feel unworthy and needs a reminder that they matter and
believe me that is so important. Does Ray Pearl is
author and writer of Trash, A Survivor's Journey through Trauma,
Abuse and Healing, And got to do the disclaimer the
(01:47):
views of the guests may not represent those hosts the station.
And does He's good to talk about what her book
is about. It is raw, it's powerful. She's been through
a lot and I did hear Does for another show
and she is a real deal. And I want to
welcome Dose three pearls the chatting with Betsy.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Welcome, does Rae.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
No, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Oh, you were welcome and my pleasure.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
But Josh gets some thrilled when I mentioned him on
the show, So I'll have to give Josh credit for
telling me about you and your book. Does whe I
always ask writers, what inspired you to write Trash Survivor's
Journey Through Trauma, Abuse and heals?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Well, it goes back a long long time. This book
has been probably about twenty is years in the making.
I've been through adversity, obstacles, trauma pretty much since I
was conceived, and writing was always my therapy. It was
(03:04):
my way out, my way to escape. So I wrote
my first poem when I was about five years old.
I couldn't even write words yet, and there I was
writing poetry. And it's been something that stayed with me
throughout all the years and all of the different things
that I've gone through, whether they were good, bad, or indifferent.
And so I decided to pull all of my old poetry,
(03:28):
since some of it was written when I was even
a preteen. The first poem going into this book I
wrote back in nineteen ninety nine when I was about twelve.
So I revised it, I compiled it, and thus Trash
was born. And this is my way to tell people. Basically,
if I can survive it, you can too. There's a
(03:50):
light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you
can't see it, it is still there.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Oh absolutely, And I'll tell you what I have to say.
In my opinion, the.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Best guests are those who have gone through something and
come out the other side. People love to hear stories
about people who have overcome tragedies and illness.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Whatever it is, because you know, it does rain. And
I'm sure they'll probably agree with this.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Everyone feels that they're all alone and how they feel
or I'm the only one who went through this, I'm
the only one who feels this.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Way, and you're not. They're not alone. That's why I
do the show so people know they're not alone.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
With my book. If one person feels heard or seen
or a little bit less lonely because they've read my books,
than mission accomplished.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Absolutely. And your book is coming out. This is August fourth,
and I'm recording this this month.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah, it'll be out sixteenth. It is available to pre
order right now on my website, which I'll give a
quick plug. It's www dot that Dark Kick NJ likes
New Jersey dot com and you can find it under
(05:19):
the literary crypt tab and so you can pre order
it if you want, or you can wait until it
launches on the sixteenth, whichever.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Way you want to do it, and the audience can
get in touch with you via your website also right.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Yes, yeah, there's a contact me tab, so all they
have to do is click on that and it'll shoot
me a direct email.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I went on your website. It was a while ago.
It's cool. I like your website. You've been through a lot, and.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Do share whatever you're comfortable sharing. Desiree about your path.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You became a mom at a young age.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
I did. I did. I have my older son when
I was eighteen years old. It was two weeks before
I turned to nineteen. And although it was difficult, I
wouldn't have any any other way. He is one of
my best friends now he's nineteen years old and we
essentially grew up together and I always tell him he's
(06:23):
the real MVP. If it wasn't for him, I probably
wouldn't be here today.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
He gave you hope. Your son was someone to for
you to live for. Yeah. Absolutely, not to give up.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
No, the folks, I don't apologize for getting emotional. It
was it's just gets me help people. That's okay. You
know they have.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
A circumstance and they allow it to overcome them. You, Desiray,
went from victim to victorious.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
And I just.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
You're welcome and I just love that and I loved
hearing your story. And you went through a lot of
trauma in your younger years.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
You went from you know, different homes, your your mom
if I remember you could correct me if I'm wrong.
Your mom had the chipper mental health issues or was
she sick physically?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
It was Yeah, both of my parents were sick physically.
My father had leukemia and she passed away when he
was thirty five. My mom had a very rare form
of admiral carcinoma and she passed away when she was forty,
and I lived with my grandma.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
That's okay. It made me who I am. I would
like to take whatever negative I've gone through and flip
it and turn it into a positive. And so if
my story my background can inspire people and give people
hope for their future, that's what I want to do
with it. I don't want my past and my trauma
to keep me down. I want it to be almost
(08:24):
like the motivation to lift me up and help lift
up other people too. So, yes, I've gone through a
lot of sad things, but I can keep a smile
on my face now knowing that if I didn't go
through all of those things, I wouldn't be the person
I am today. And I finally like myself. It took
(08:44):
a long time, but we're there.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I understand, Yes, that's you know it does. I can't
help I get junked up.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
That is so true because you know other people, I mean,
you've lost your parents that don't you know you were
very young and you went to live with your your grandmother,
and that is trauma in and of itself. And then
you know the passes your grandma, you went to another home,
(09:15):
and you could have fallen into oh, you know, poor me,
and not turn your page. Because a lot of times
we're told the story from other people how we are.
We were putting a box. People put us in a box.
Sometimes we put ourselves in a box. And to step
(09:36):
out of that and say this is who I am,
and here I am flaws and all love me or
don't love me except.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Me or not Here I am and I feel the
same way. I feel the same way.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I don't want anybody to think that it was just
some easy process. It took a whole out of therapy
and a whole lot of self reflection and self awareness
to get to the point that I'm at today, especially
because all of the negativity that I had suffered as
a child, that that cycle was perpetuated into adulthood. And
(10:17):
so I until I got into therapy and was in
it for years, it I was still down. And you know,
I suffer from clinical depression and mood and stability and
anxiety and uh CPTSD, that I still have a whole
lot going on mentally, but you know, you got to
(10:42):
you got to put in the work to be able
to overcome things. You can't just sit there and expect
all these wonderful things to just happen and pop out
of nowhere. That that's incredibly unrealistic. But if you do
the work, then you can overcome all of those things
that you've gone through. So I've put in the work
(11:04):
and I'm still doing it, and I'm still putting in
the work every day, but I'm finally at the point
where I'm not believing what these people say about me anymore.
And you know, since I started, I guess creating boundaries
with people and focusing on the the campaign against me,
(11:27):
let me tell you, it's big, and it's loud, and
there's a lot of people that are talking a lot
about me behind my back. And I'm finally at the
point where I'm like, you know what, go ahead, because
you talking all of this about me, it says more
about your character than it says about mine. So if
you want to make yourself look bad, go right ahead.
But it took a lot to get me to this point.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Wow, des Ray, you gaze like such golden nuggets right here, folks,
I want you to listen to this again. You have
to put in the work. I've said this many times
on my show. You can go to a therapist, and
sometimes it takes more than one therapist. So you find
the one that you are comfortable with that works for you.
Sometimes it takes more than one. But you have to
(12:14):
put in the work. You have to do the work.
A lot of people go to a therapists, Oh they
don't work for me. Well, did you do the work
most of the time? The paulice say, oh no, And
I understand, does rae because I went for counseling.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I'm still counseling. You're young enough, you know where you
can enjoy more, many.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
More years of living with your new found self. I
didn't turn my page till I was sixty because there
wasn't the services and the knowledge available when I was
going through things as a teenager. And I'm just want
(13:03):
to tell the audience out there, and I say this,
a lot going for support is not and I repeat,
not a sign of weakness, but a strength.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And let me tell you, folks, when you are.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Going to counseling and people are making fun of you
and calling you names, which happened to me. It takes
a strong person to withstand that and still go for
help even though you're being made fun of and being
gaslet for it. So I give you a lot of
(13:42):
kudos desire for knowing that you needed support, going for
counseling and working on it. And yes, it is a
daily struggle for some of us, and I'm including myself.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yea barely struggle. Yeah is.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Excuse me, I will share this. I'm very open with
my audience. It's a struggle for me. Sometimes I think
what am I doing? I'm not good enough to interview
some people?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Why do they want to talk to me? I'm not
good enough.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I battle this folks sometimes daily, And of course i'm
you know, I know I'm good enough, and I understand that.
But you get these debts to come up because of
the trauma that you endured in your childhood. And you know,
(14:39):
people have They get physical scars when they're physically abused,
but nobody sees the mental scars when you've been mentally
and emotionally abused.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Those are inside, folks.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
And that's why I tell people that it's so important
to be kind to other people because everybody is battling
or fighting a battle that is invisible. Nobody can see
other people's battles, so you don't know what your you know,
unkind words could do to somebody. If they were having
(15:14):
the worst day of their life and you said something
mean to them and that pushed them off the edge,
you don't know what's going to happen. But it also
works on the opposite side of it too, because somebody
could be having a terrible, terrible day, and who knows,
they may be thinking about doing something that's so good,
and then they encounter you and you do one tiny
(15:35):
act of kindness that to you is insignificant, It doesn't
mean anything. You just open the door for somebody, or
told somebody that their hair looks nice, whatever that little
tiny act could be, and you could change their entire
day around because you'll give them faith in humanity again.
So everybody is absolutely tranger to each other. And in
(15:56):
order to do that, we all need to heal. And
you know, that's the point of my book, is that
if we can all heal as individuals, then will inevitably
heal as a society as well.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Oh absolutely, And I'm a huge mental health advocate, and
if anyone listens to my show, you all know I'm
a huge mental health advocate. And the one thing about
COVID is that it pushed mental health.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
To the forefront where people are talking about it.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Celebrities came out and talked about it, and it is
being talked about in social media. I sometimes can spend
an hour literally on Instagram because there's so much now
people are coming out talking about trauma, talking about childhood
trauma and all the different roles that you know, kids
(16:49):
play in their family.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And I mean, I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I'm sixty seven years old, folks, and I'm now learning
that what I experienced.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
It was real.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
And you know, it does take a long time to
get out. I want to say, get out of that hole,
but for lack of a term, but to really flip
that that switch, to flip that page, to know that
you know what you are good enough, You are good enough.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Struggle when you've been withering, and that is the daily struggle.
Like I don't want people to look at me and
think that I have everything together, because believe you me,
I don't. I still I still suffer every day. I
even now coming out with this book, before this. Nobody,
well not nobody, but very very few people have ever
read my writing because I kept it so close to
(17:49):
me and I was so scared of people making fun
of me or telling me that my writing was terrible
or things like that, even though deep down I knew
I was a talented writer. It's been a passion since
I was teeny tiny. But even now I'm like, am
I really good enough to come out with this book?
It's it's imposter syndrome and it's super prevalent.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
I have to tell you something, Dedre. And this goes
through the audience too. When you set boundaries with people
who have treated you not great, they don't like it.
People will resent you setting boundaries and they will not
(18:38):
like it, and they'll, you know, we'll talk about you.
And I heard the saying like seven years ago and
it really hit me. It is none of your business
what other people say about you and what they say,
you know, me, behind your back. And when like at
my age, I have finally learned, you know what, it's
(19:01):
really freeing not to care what people think.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
You know, I'm being that that's the version of myself
that I could be, and if people don't like it,
let them talk about me, Let them say whatever they want.
I'm still gonna do my thing.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Yeah, Like, I know all these people, and I'm laughing
right now because I know exactly who is running a
campaign against that. Because I set my boundaries and I
know at the end of the day, I can look
at myself in the mirror and I know I'm a
good person. I know that I have nothing but kindness
and compassion and positivity in my heart towards everybody. I
(19:39):
don't even wish bad things on my worst enemies. But
of all those people who are behind my back talking,
how many of them can say that? I bet you
they can't.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
That's that's right.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
And you know what a lot of it, sorry to say,
is jealousy.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You know it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
You're a strong person does ray because you're taking your
most intimate thoughts.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You put it out on paper and you know people.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Are going to read it, and people will see your vulnerability.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
And sometimes, you know, we'd like to hide it, right,
we'd like to hide our vulnerability. And you know, yes,
and how we feel.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
But you know what, people there are gonna always be critics.
Sometimes we're our own worst critic. I know I am
for myself but you never know. I'm going to tell
you this, Desiree. You never know who hears you and
(20:46):
who can.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Be affected by the words that you say.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
And I you know, I will not be surprised if
you get such positive response from your book saying don't
you that's right?
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You helped me. And even if people don't respond, new
health people go ahead.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, I mean, that's that's the point. That's my whole point,
and that's what's keeping me going. And that was what
made me actually publish the book, is because I went
through everything completely alone. Like I did not have a
support system until probably about two or three years ago,
(21:30):
and now I have the best support system I could
ever ask for. But for the first thirty five or
so years, I went through everything completely by myself, and
I thought I was the only one thinking, you know,
crazy things and negative things, and I thought I was
the only one going through the things that I was
going through, et cetera, et cetera. And come to find out,
(21:51):
you know, everybody has a story. Everybody's been through me.
So I just I don't want people to feel like
they're alone in their journey, because they're not it. And
I just I want people to have hope for the
future because as long as you put in the work,
you can make your life better.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
It's hard.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
I'm not going to take that away from it. It's
not easy, but you just have to keep that motivation
and keep your eye on the prize and it it'll
eventually happen.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yes, yeah, you are. I agree one hundred percent. I
mean I'm still, you know, going for counseling. And I
also was alone and my struggles, you know, josh and
I we were a tag team taking care of me,
(22:40):
my husband, Joshua's dad. And people don't you know, unless
you've gone through a circum of course, this conclusion does
right as if people don't go through a circumstance, they
don't know what it's like.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
And I've come to the.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Point now at my age. You know what, I don't
owe people an explanation. I don't owe anyone in an
explanation of why I can or cannot do something. And
you know what I told just this, I'm really happy
that people don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
What it's like to lose a spouse. I'm glad they
don't know. I'm glad they don't.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Know what it's like to live in chronic pain, But
because they don't live in chronic pain doesn't mean that
I don't live in chronic pain.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
But you know, and I and.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Also sometimes understanding where people don't have the emotional intelligence
to understand other people's situations to emphathize. Some people just
can't do it and we can't change them, you know. Yep,
it's really it boggles the mind of what people will
(24:01):
say about other people when they don't know the situation.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
You know. So I have tried. I have tried and tried.
I have analyzed and because I'm a very analytical person
as well, and I can generally figure out maybe logical
maybe illogical explanation for why people are the way they are.
But the way some people have treated me, I mean
(24:29):
even in the past five years, I look at them
and I try to analyze it, and it just makes
no sense. But also I could never do that to somebody.
I could never act that way towards somebody else. So
maybe that's why I can't understand why they've treated me
in that way. But it just it blows my mind
(24:50):
every day.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, yeah, it is mind baggling.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
You know, people they don't understand a situations and you know,
what that's that's that's their problem. You know. That's yes,
like you said, it's a reflection on them.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Maya Angelo, you know, she's don't gonna paraphrase.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
She said, people may not remember your name, but don't
remember how you made them feel.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And that's true.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I have seen it said that. I love that phrase.
That's a wonderful quote.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
I have definitely have experienced that, and I have had
people tell me, you know, Betsy, thank you for your support.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Right, It's very.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Powerful because you're just showing support, and that's what you
know is missing I think in this world and when
we share our stories right like you're doing your book,
does it brings our I feel it brings our humanity
back to share.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Yeah, I mean our stories.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Social media is great, but I feel like it really
does remove people from the human side of things. Although
we can connect to people, you know, all over the
world now in a way like we never could before,
it's still it's how can I explain it? It's cold,
It's lacking an actual human touch and human interaction, and
(26:33):
I think that it's severely lacking today.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
It said that probably last month of my show, and
at a time where we can't connect to anyone anywhere.
We're more connected than ever, We're also more disconnected with
each other than ever before.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
There's disconnect, you know.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I mean, why why are people filming tragic events instead
of calling nine to one one?
Speaker 3 (27:07):
I can't. That drives me crazy. That drives me out
of my mind when I see that.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I don't. Yeah, I don't get it. It's just so bizarre,
uh to me.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I want to get back desiree to what was it
like growing up with your grandmother?
Speaker 3 (27:29):
No, it was, it was something something So it was
I don't want to say it was a love hate relationship,
but it was kind of a love hate relationship. When
push came to shove and something major happen and they
needed her, she was there. Not emotionally, she was in
(27:52):
my opinion, and this was never you know, confirmed by
a professional, but in my opinion, she had a whole
lot of undiagnosed psychiatric illnesses. I can probably name a
few off the top of my head, but because they
were undiagnosed and thus untreated, they affected her, which affected me.
(28:15):
So one of the big ones is that she was
a hoarder, and so I always felt that she put
her things ahead of me. She would fight tooth and
nail to keep a piece of loose Lya's paper from
nineteen sixty seven. But she never fought her heart from me.
(28:39):
So it was just something like I knew if I
if I needed her, if I was, you know, laid
on a car payment or something like that, she would
always cover it. And she kept a roof over my head.
But that and that was pretty much it. I had
no emotional support. And like I said before, I can
(29:02):
understand the why behind everything and the way she acted
and stuff like that, but it didn't make.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
The hurt less great.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
So it was it was traumatic growing up with her.
I moved back in with her when I was let
me say, my mom and I moved in with her
when I was ten. Then my mom passed away and
I had to go to Florida for a year, and
that was a whole different ballgame. And then I came
back to her after a year, and then I bounced
between her and wherever I could go for a while,
(29:34):
and then we ended up. She moved in with me
in twenty twenty because she had a heart problem, and
I took care of her until the day she died.
This past December. So it was I'm sorry, it was interesting.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yeah, so you were a caregiver also, and that's a
whole another that's a whole circumstance. That's right, it is,
you know, it's.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
People don't realize this, and it took me years to
realize this. And I've heard this with what we would
grow up with, whoever we lived with.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Parents, grandparents, whoever they were emotionally unavailable. Do you realize
from what they hear from experts, we tend to go
attract the same type.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
I always say. So, I've been married twice, and I
always say, the first time I got married, I married
my father. The second time I got married, I married
my grandmother.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
And it's wow, it's so true.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
You you just you attract or maybe not even a track,
but you gravitate towards what you're used to, even if
it's crazy and abusive and narcissistic, speaking from experience, and
just terrible, you're you gravitate towards that because you're comfortable
with the chaos more than you're comfortable with the safety.
(31:16):
And you know, getting into the relationship that I'm in now.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
It was it was difficult.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
I was uncomfortable because I'm safe and taken care of.
And it sounds insane to say, but it's true because
I have nothing but drama and chaos and trauma my
entire life. So when I got into a relationship where
I was taken care of and I was safe and
I was okay to be vulnerable, it didn't feel.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Right, yeah, because you're not used to it. And then right, yeah,
and then you're waiting for the bull to drop, right,
like you're waiting for day yeah, yes, wait, okay, yeah, yeah.
It's it's like you're waiting, okay, when is this person
going to abandon me or hurt?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Yep mm hmm, oh yeah, one hundred percent. I mean
he he deals with the residual effects of all of
my trauma all the time, and you know, he's he's
so loving and patient and I am incredibly lucky to
have him. But it's true. I wait every day. He
even looks at me. One day he said, you're just
(32:26):
waiting for the other shoot to drop, aren't you? And
I lost it and I was like, yes, like when
is it all going to go wrong? When is it
going to blow up in my face? When are you
going to die? Because everybody around me dies. When when
are you going to die? Are you gonna die? Marrow?
It's it's awful, it is And you know what, to
(32:46):
what degree does right mean?
Speaker 1 (32:47):
I didn't live your life? But to a degree I
can understand that because whenever I get close to someone,
they leave, they either move that blogging or something happen.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Fist, So I had this fear, and there are transparent
air books. I do have this sphere of getting close
to people. Oh, because listen it leads to pain.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yeah, I associate getting close to people with seeing hurt.
And that's crazy as that might sound.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
I made friends with this girl about a year and
a half ago, and we hit it off immediately, and
she is still my very best friend. Like her and
I are sick as thieves and we're like the ying
to each other's yang. And you know, I make a
joke of it because trauma gave me dark humor and
(33:43):
that's how I deal with things. Yes, I look at her,
I said, I said, don't step on any cracks, don't
go and don't drive in the car on the highway
behind a logging truck, like be careful to do because
you know people around me drop like flies, and you know,
I made a joke about it. But at the same time,
like my best friend back in the day, she was
(34:05):
murdered when she was thirty five years old.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Oh my goodness, it happened. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
So it's scary, Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
And you know I was always afraid of that with Matt.
I knew Matt was going to leave me. I had
knowing that he was going to leave me early. And
you know, he died the six years in January, and
he knew. It's weird because he said he wouldn't. We
didn't even plan retirement. Goes, I'm not going to live
(34:40):
long enough. The men of my family don't look so retirement.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
He was right, that's yeah. And when I was younger,
I had three close friends. I was like nine or ten.
They left, They moved Desiree within a very close time
with together. So I had three friends I was close
(35:08):
to leave me. Yes, wow.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
And that traumatized me. Put me in a depression, the
least of me into adulthood. Of course, when I was
a child back in the sixties, we didn't talk about that.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
I didn't know what grief was.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
I didn't you know, I had the sadness and It's
like my mother would say, you don't have nothing to be.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Sad about, but I did. To me, I did.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
And I was afraid of getting close to people, so
I didn't make friends because I was afraid they would
leave me. And then my family made fun of me
for not having friends because they didn't want to understand
why I didn't have.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Friends, right, And I mean, I moved around so much,
but I couldn't. I couldn't make those friendships because I
was moving all over the place all the time, like
I want to, Oh, probably four different schools before high school,
so you know, nothing loved it like I have. I
(36:08):
have one friend that I've had since.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Oh, I think I lost you.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (36:16):
I might have lost DESI Ray? If you hear me?
Does Ray pull back in?
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (36:24):
As far as I say, it's still recording? Does Rays cool?
Somehow got dropped? Folks? I hope she uh called back in.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I don't know what happened, but you know how technology is.
We are at the mercy of technology. But I highly
recommend for you all to read trash.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
There's there. You're here. Yes, I don't know what happened,
but you're back.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
I to the channel. That's what I had to do.
I had to make sure it was dramatic.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
That's okay, You're not the only one this happened. So
I had lived, so that's fine. I'm just to that pass.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Somehow.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, just too living. So you moved around.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
So why would you feel comfortable making friends if you
knew you were going to be leaving?
Speaker 1 (37:38):
So you protect yourself, don't you Deadbury. We get this armor. Absolutely,
we built a protective armor. Oh my god, you and
I have so much in common.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
We mean, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Yeah, we do. We build this protective armor. And I
realized a few years ago my walls that were keeping
people out, we're also not letting people into my life
that could help me.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So the two it's a very what I want to say,
it's a it's a very difficult situation for a lot
of us to let people in and they keep people
out because we want to protect ourselves. Yeah, and this
is what happens. Excuse me. When you've been hurt over
(38:34):
and over and over again and you don't want to
get hurt anymore, you have to.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
It's like you're controlling your own hurt. You have to
control your own hurt so that other people can't hurt
you anymore. You're the only one that's allowed to hurt you.
It's just wild. The human brain is fast, yes.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
And with grieving, and you have a lot of loss
in your life, a tremendous amount of loss. And there's
the you know, grieving brain and how grieving affects us
in the ways that I didn't even know until after
I lost my husband and more people start talking about
(39:21):
grieving because grieving is not talked about. People don't want
to mention the deceased person's name, as if we don't
know that they're already gone.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
You know, folks, you can.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Because you want to keep their memory alive, don't you.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Yes, absolutely absolutely. You know it's like, oh, you know,
if I mentioned their names, they might get upset. Well, yeah,
we might cry because your memory might touch our heart,
you know, But it's not because you mentioned that were
lud one's name.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
I say, save their name, share my memory.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
We want to hear that, keep them live, keep their
se going. That's why I talked to my kids about
my parents all the time. I have a big picture
of my mom in my living room. My dad. I
need to find one he because he died when I
was seven, so a lot of his stuff is kind
of hard to find. But I tell my kids all
(40:23):
the time, all the time about my parents and who
they were as people. And you know, my dad wasn't
the greatest guy in the whole world, but that was
because he had his own issues that were undiagnosed and
thus untreated. But my kids know who they are and
who they were, and where they came from and all
of that stuff. You have to keep that alive. If
(40:43):
you don't say their names as they die, like and
if they really.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Die, that's yeah, that is so true in such a
contrast when I was younger and I was a curious child,
and now I'm the curious adult when I would ask
about my deceased relatives, don't talk about them. Yeah, let
them rest in peace. We don't talk about them. Well,
why can't you talk about them?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Right? Why can't you say? You know what they did,
who they were?
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I have. I'm so glad to see now deseree people
showing and sharing the loved ones memories. And I feel
like I blazed the trail because when Matt died, people
were not showing their pictures and.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I said, you know what, if you want to share
your loved one's memories of.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Their birthday or celebrate their birthday, Josh and I will
celebrate Matt's birthday.
Speaker 3 (41:45):
Do it.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
If you want to celebrate your anniversary.
Speaker 3 (41:47):
Funny, do it. I just thought of this so funny.
Today is my dad's birthday. Oh wow, yeah, isn't that funny? Yeah,
August first, it's nineteen fifty my dad was born.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Wowway say you're younger than me. That's and well, I
guess seventh is Matt's birthday.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
Lead to each other. They're probably up there hanging out.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Yeah, you know, I mean, why can't people celebrate?
Speaker 2 (42:23):
You know?
Speaker 1 (42:23):
And it's it's very you know, we have society were not.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Taught about grieving. And I say this a lot on
my show. It does ray and I'm gonna say it
again for the people in the back. Please, people do
not tell people to be strong. That is not helpful.
It's hurtful. Actually, because people have been strong, they are strong.
(42:56):
Just because someone cries or they seek support does not
make them a weak person.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
We have to change that image. It does not. Will
Believe me.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
My entire life, I was strong quote unquote, I was strong.
I didn't even cry at my mom. My mom was
my best friend, and I didn't even cry at her
wake because I was too busy walking around and trying
to get people to not be sad. So like I've
been taking care of people since I was a kid.
Like it just it's being strong. Is it's almost a fallacy,
(43:34):
like you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and
it's so hard and I'm not the best at that.
I am not very emotional. But you gotta let the
the the wall down a little bit just to get
it out. Can't fester. Festering is so underdy.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
It definitely is that you have two sons. I have
a son, and I've always say that, you know, we.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
Have to train our sons to show their emotions of
what they're feeling and a positive, nuturing environment.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
And that's the problem, Desrie.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
I mean, you know, like your dad was, you know
from my error and even as a female, not you
know men in my time to it, don't cry.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
You're being a sissy. I was told, don't cry. That's
a weakness, You're a cry baby. Suck it up.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yeah, we have to stop this, And I really I
say this a lot because men are more prone to
suicide than women statistically, and we you know, even like
I'll give an example when Josh I videoed Matt dying
(44:59):
and people would say Josh and I crying and for
someone to say be strong, or to tell Josh be
strong for your mom. Oh no no, and I have
a big mouth. No, he does not have to be strong.
He can't cry if he wants to. I could cry.
That doesn't mean that we're weak. We are watching our
(45:19):
loved ones die. Where human beings, we're not robots. And
I think that that just really.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
Has to change.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
And even you're like I told, I talked to Josh
a lot about you know, he knows he could come
to me if he has a problem. He knows he
could talk about grieving his dad's birthdays coming up. I
asked him, how you doing Father's Day? And very difficult
for him, And you know what I told him, Yes, Drey,
I said, Father's Day may always be difficult for you.
(45:54):
That's good that you realize it. It's okay to realize
that it's okay to be sad and we go and
have fun. We you have to validate folks, your feelings.
You have to acknowledge your feelings and then move on,
because if you don't put front and sit with your pain.
As as difficult as it is, if you don't sit
(46:18):
with it, it's gonna it is gonna fester, it's gonna
make you sick.
Speaker 1 (46:21):
It doesn't fact.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
People don't really, it's going to come out between festering
on these things and keeping things in and actually physiologically
and physically getting ill. There's such a huge connection between
those two, Like our are absolutely a powerful, powerful thing,
(46:46):
and it affects the rest of our body. I mean,
there's there's research studies out there that say, like stress
lowers your immune system, which it absolutely does. I'm hardly
ever sick these days, not that I'm not stressed out,
but I'm not. I'm not as traumatized and negative as
(47:07):
I used to be when I was growing up at
my grandma's house. And I'm sure there were physical factors
as well, but I was sick all the time. I
was in the emergency room probably once a month up
until I moved out of her house. So it's it's
so so interconnected, and people really need to focus on
their mental health in order to get the best out
(47:29):
of their physical health.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
Absolutely, that's where you are amazing. You are such a gem.
I'm sudding you via the airwaves because you You're just
a pleasure to talk to.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
And I love talking to authentic you know, people that
just you know, share. Hey, you know what, I've had
a circumstance and I'm going for help. Yes it's a struggle.
Yes it's a daily struggle. But you know what, I'm
here and I'm making this through and I'm working on myself. Yeah,
(48:15):
because we're all working in progress.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
Until the day we die. That's actually we are all
works in progress.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Like I said, I don't want anybody to come up
in here and think that there's just a light switch
that gets flipped and like everything is just wonderful right
after that, it's not. There are days when my biggest
accomplishment is getting out of bed. That's still there. The
depression is still there. And I say this in my book.
I think that I view mental illness kind of like asthma.
(48:48):
So if somebody has asthma, it's a kind of commission.
They're going to have it their entire life, their whole life.
But with the right breathing treatment and respiratory therapy, the
asthma attacks will be fewer and farther between, and they'll
be less severe. Same thing in my opinion. Again, I'm
not professional, but the same thing in my opinion with
(49:10):
mental illness, like my depression and anxiety and all that stuff,
it's still there. It's always going to be there, but
because of medication and therapy, my episodes are fewer and
farther between, and they're less severe. So I used to
when I would go into a depressive episode, I would
(49:34):
be there for it could be as long as a month.
But then I got on medication and I got into therapy.
Now I know if I have a depressive episode, it's
probably only going to last two or three days, maybe
weak tops, so it gets less. It will always be there,
(49:57):
but it won't be as bad as it once was.
Every day is a step forward.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
Absolutely, Uh that is that is so true, deesree. We
need to treat mental health illness just like anything else.
If you have a fractured you know, arm, you put
it in the cast. It gets repaired.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yea.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
You know, there are wounds, like I said before, that
are invisible and folks don't judge.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
People don't ever.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Judge anyone taking medication that they need to help them,
because I always say this, no one knows what's in
store for us, and life can throw you a curveball.
And how how would you want to be treated if
you had to be on medication, if you had to
go for counseling. So you know that's just how I feel.
(50:52):
And as we wrap up here, does there, I want
to thank you for coming on sharing your your story and.
Speaker 1 (51:03):
I wish you much success. Folks. The name of the
book is You're Welcome Trash, A Survivor's Journey through Trauma,
abuse and Healing. Does Ray Pearl and go ahead? Does
Ray give your information again? Where they could get the book?
Speaker 3 (51:23):
So you can go on my website. It is that
dark Chick NJ like New Jersey dot com. And then
you go to the literary crypt tab and you'll see
it right there. It's available for pre order now and
then after August sixteenth, it'll be much more widely distributed.
(51:44):
But if people go to my site to get it,
that'd be even cooler.
Speaker 2 (51:49):
Oh that is so awesome. Thank you and best wishes
on your book. And you've ever want to come back,
you are more than welcome to come back.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
I really appreciate you having me.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
Oh you are welcome and my pleasure. And I want
to thank my son Joshua loves.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
You are connecting, does and I together and folks, all
the information about Desirey Pearl will be in a blog
that Genie White writes. Genie White as the station manager
and produces the show. And I want to thank William Coldwell,
(52:34):
who's the CEO of Passion World Talk Radio Network makes
it all possible. And I want to thank you for
listening subscribing. If you don't erase, subscribe to Chatting with Betsy.
It is for free on Spotify, Spreaker, Amazon Music, to
name a few, and I really would appreciate it if
you would subscribe, share the show to help someone.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
This is why I do Chatting with Betsy.
Speaker 2 (53:00):
It's to let people know that they are not alone
and provide resources. Passion World Talk Radio Network is not
just your regular Internet station. We are a resource center.
Go on Passion World Talk radionetwork dot com. You could
put in a topic and you will probably see resources.
(53:22):
And I just want to thank everyone for joining me
today and again, thank you Desrey Pearl for.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
Your book that you wrote. And I could tell it's
from the heart. I could tell you speak from the heart,
and I wish you all the happiness and in the world.
I really do you deserve it.
Speaker 3 (53:47):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:49):
You're welcome in folks. If you want to follow me
on Facebook, that's the Worzel w or Z e l
and you can see pictures of Josh and I and
Matt and just you know, be kind to each other.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
Now we stay at the end of the show, and
I'm going to say it again, in a world where
you could be anything, please be kind and shine your
life right because.
Speaker 1 (54:18):
We need it now more than ever before. We need
to shine that light, folks, and be kind to humans,
to each other.
Speaker 2 (54:27):
And that's not to say today this is Betsy Worthal
you're a host of Chatting with Betsy. I'm Pasturable Talk
Radio Network, a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
Speaker 1 (54:40):
So we chat again. Be safe everyone, Bye bye now
Hello everyone, This is Betsy Wurzel.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
You're a host of Chunny with Betsy. I'm plas your
World Talk Radio Network, a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
I're a mantress to educate and entertain. I want to
thank you for joining me today and taking me with
you wherever you are. And if you don't know, we're ready.
(00:25):
I can be heard on Alexa if you have Amazon,
so check that out. I am so excited today about
my guest. I have a Jersey girl in the house. Yay,
yay for us Jersey Dells. And I'm allowd to just
gonna give you a little bit of a story. My
(00:47):
son Josh as friends with my guest partner. And Josh
told me Desiree is on another podcast can you interview
her about her book?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And I said short, So.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
With me today is Desiree Pearl, who's a Jersey gal
and she is a poet, survivor, and mental health advocate
who uses her writing to shine a light on trauma,
resilience and the lifelong journey of healing. Trash is her
debut collection written for anyone who's ever been made to
(01:27):
feel unworthy and needs a reminder that they matter and
believe me that is so important. Does Ray Pearl is
author and writer of Trash, A Survivor's Journey through Trauma,
Abuse and Healing, And got to do the disclaimer the
(01:47):
views of the guests may not represent those hosts the station.
And does He's good to talk about what her book
is about. It is raw, it's powerful. She's been through
a lot and I did hear Does for another show
and she is a real deal. And I want to
welcome Dose three pearls the chatting with Betsy.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Welcome, does Rae.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
No, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Oh, you were welcome and my pleasure.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
But Josh gets some thrilled when I mentioned him on
the show, So I'll have to give Josh credit for
telling me about you and your book. Does whe I
always ask writers, what inspired you to write Trash Survivor's
Journey Through Trauma, Abuse and heals?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Well, it goes back a long long time. This book
has been probably about twenty is years in the making.
I've been through adversity, obstacles, trauma pretty much since I
was conceived, and writing was always my therapy. It was
(03:04):
my way out, my way to escape. So I wrote
my first poem when I was about five years old.
I couldn't even write words yet, and there I was
writing poetry. And it's been something that stayed with me
throughout all the years and all of the different things
that I've gone through, whether they were good, bad, or indifferent.
And so I decided to pull all of my old poetry,
(03:28):
since some of it was written when I was even
a preteen. The first poem going into this book I
wrote back in nineteen ninety nine when I was about twelve.
So I revised it, I compiled it, and thus Trash
was born. And this is my way to tell people. Basically,
if I can survive it, you can too. There's a
(03:50):
light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you
can't see it, it is still there.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Oh absolutely, And I'll tell you what I have to say.
In my opinion, the.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Best guests are those who have gone through something and
come out the other side. People love to hear stories
about people who have overcome tragedies and illness.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Whatever it is, because you know, it does rain. And
I'm sure they'll probably agree with this.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Everyone feels that they're all alone and how they feel
or I'm the only one who went through this, I'm
the only one who feels this.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Way, and you're not. They're not alone. That's why I
do the show so people know they're not alone.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
With my book. If one person feels heard or seen
or a little bit less lonely because they've read my books,
than mission accomplished.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Absolutely. And your book is coming out. This is August fourth,
and I'm recording this this month.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Yeah, it'll be out sixteenth. It is available to pre
order right now on my website, which I'll give a
quick plug. It's www dot that Dark Kick NJ likes
New Jersey dot com and you can find it under
(05:19):
the literary crypt tab and so you can pre order
it if you want, or you can wait until it
launches on the sixteenth, whichever.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Way you want to do it, and the audience can
get in touch with you via your website also right.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Yes, yeah, there's a contact me tab, so all they
have to do is click on that and it'll shoot
me a direct email.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I went on your website. It was a while ago.
It's cool. I like your website. You've been through a lot, and.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Do share whatever you're comfortable sharing. Desiree about your path.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
You became a mom at a young age.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
I did. I did. I have my older son when
I was eighteen years old. It was two weeks before
I turned to nineteen. And although it was difficult, I
wouldn't have any any other way. He is one of
my best friends now he's nineteen years old and we
essentially grew up together and I always tell him he's
(06:23):
the real MVP. If it wasn't for him, I probably
wouldn't be here today.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
He gave you hope. Your son was someone to for
you to live for. Yeah. Absolutely, not to give up.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
No, the folks, I don't apologize for getting emotional. It
was it's just gets me help people. That's okay. You
know they have.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
A circumstance and they allow it to overcome them. You, Desiray,
went from victim to victorious.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
And I just.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
You're welcome and I just love that and I loved
hearing your story. And you went through a lot of
trauma in your younger years.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
You went from you know, different homes, your your mom
if I remember you could correct me if I'm wrong.
Your mom had the chipper mental health issues or was
she sick physically?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
It was Yeah, both of my parents were sick physically.
My father had leukemia and she passed away when he
was thirty five. My mom had a very rare form
of admiral carcinoma and she passed away when she was forty,
and I lived with my grandma.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
That's okay. It made me who I am. I would
like to take whatever negative I've gone through and flip
it and turn it into a positive. And so if
my story my background can inspire people and give people
hope for their future, that's what I want to do
with it. I don't want my past and my trauma
to keep me down. I want it to be almost
(08:24):
like the motivation to lift me up and help lift
up other people too. So, yes, I've gone through a
lot of sad things, but I can keep a smile
on my face now knowing that if I didn't go
through all of those things, I wouldn't be the person
I am today. And I finally like myself. It took
(08:44):
a long time, but we're there.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I understand, Yes, that's you know it does. I can't
help I get junked up.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
That is so true because you know other people, I mean,
you've lost your parents that don't you know you were
very young and you went to live with your your grandmother,
and that is trauma in and of itself. And then
you know the passes your grandma, you went to another home,
(09:15):
and you could have fallen into oh, you know, poor me,
and not turn your page. Because a lot of times
we're told the story from other people how we are.
We were putting a box. People put us in a box.
Sometimes we put ourselves in a box. And to step
(09:36):
out of that and say this is who I am,
and here I am flaws and all love me or
don't love me except.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Me or not Here I am and I feel the
same way. I feel the same way.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I don't want anybody to think that it was just
some easy process. It took a whole out of therapy
and a whole lot of self reflection and self awareness
to get to the point that I'm at today, especially
because all of the negativity that I had suffered as
a child, that that cycle was perpetuated into adulthood. And
(10:17):
so I until I got into therapy and was in
it for years, it I was still down. And you know,
I suffer from clinical depression and mood and stability and
anxiety and uh CPTSD, that I still have a whole
lot going on mentally, but you know, you got to
(10:42):
you got to put in the work to be able
to overcome things. You can't just sit there and expect
all these wonderful things to just happen and pop out
of nowhere. That that's incredibly unrealistic. But if you do
the work, then you can overcome all of those things
that you've gone through. So I've put in the work
(11:04):
and I'm still doing it, and I'm still putting in
the work every day, but I'm finally at the point
where I'm not believing what these people say about me anymore.
And you know, since I started, I guess creating boundaries
with people and focusing on the the campaign against me,
(11:27):
let me tell you, it's big, and it's loud, and
there's a lot of people that are talking a lot
about me behind my back. And I'm finally at the
point where I'm like, you know what, go ahead, because
you talking all of this about me, it says more
about your character than it says about mine. So if
you want to make yourself look bad, go right ahead.
But it took a lot to get me to this point.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Wow, des Ray, you gaze like such golden nuggets right here, folks,
I want you to listen to this again. You have
to put in the work. I've said this many times
on my show. You can go to a therapist, and
sometimes it takes more than one therapist. So you find
the one that you are comfortable with that works for you.
Sometimes it takes more than one. But you have to
(12:14):
put in the work. You have to do the work.
A lot of people go to a therapists, Oh they
don't work for me. Well, did you do the work
most of the time? The paulice say, oh no, And
I understand, does rae because I went for counseling.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I'm still counseling. You're young enough, you know where you
can enjoy more, many.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
More years of living with your new found self. I
didn't turn my page till I was sixty because there
wasn't the services and the knowledge available when I was
going through things as a teenager. And I'm just want
(13:03):
to tell the audience out there, and I say this,
a lot going for support is not and I repeat,
not a sign of weakness, but a strength.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And let me tell you, folks, when you are.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Going to counseling and people are making fun of you
and calling you names, which happened to me. It takes
a strong person to withstand that and still go for
help even though you're being made fun of and being
gaslet for it. So I give you a lot of
(13:42):
kudos desire for knowing that you needed support, going for
counseling and working on it. And yes, it is a
daily struggle for some of us, and I'm including myself.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yea barely struggle. Yeah is.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Excuse me, I will share this. I'm very open with
my audience. It's a struggle for me. Sometimes I think
what am I doing? I'm not good enough to interview
some people?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Why do they want to talk to me? I'm not
good enough.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I battle this folks sometimes daily, And of course i'm
you know, I know I'm good enough, and I understand that.
But you get these debts to come up because of
the trauma that you endured in your childhood. And you know,
(14:39):
people have They get physical scars when they're physically abused,
but nobody sees the mental scars when you've been mentally
and emotionally abused.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Those are inside, folks.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
And that's why I tell people that it's so important
to be kind to other people because everybody is battling
or fighting a battle that is invisible. Nobody can see
other people's battles, so you don't know what your you know,
unkind words could do to somebody. If they were having
(15:14):
the worst day of their life and you said something
mean to them and that pushed them off the edge,
you don't know what's going to happen. But it also
works on the opposite side of it too, because somebody
could be having a terrible, terrible day, and who knows,
they may be thinking about doing something that's so good,
and then they encounter you and you do one tiny
(15:35):
act of kindness that to you is insignificant, It doesn't
mean anything. You just open the door for somebody, or
told somebody that their hair looks nice, whatever that little
tiny act could be, and you could change their entire
day around because you'll give them faith in humanity again.
So everybody is absolutely tranger to each other. And in
(15:56):
order to do that, we all need to heal. And
you know, that's the point of my book, is that
if we can all heal as individuals, then will inevitably
heal as a society as well.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Oh absolutely, And I'm a huge mental health advocate, and
if anyone listens to my show, you all know I'm
a huge mental health advocate. And the one thing about
COVID is that it pushed mental health.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
To the forefront where people are talking about it.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Celebrities came out and talked about it, and it is
being talked about in social media. I sometimes can spend
an hour literally on Instagram because there's so much now
people are coming out talking about trauma, talking about childhood
trauma and all the different roles that you know, kids
(16:49):
play in their family.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And I mean, I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I'm sixty seven years old, folks, and I'm now learning
that what I experienced.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
It was real.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
And you know, it does take a long time to
get out. I want to say, get out of that hole,
but for lack of a term, but to really flip
that that switch, to flip that page, to know that
you know what you are good enough, You are good enough.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Struggle when you've been withering, and that is the daily struggle.
Like I don't want people to look at me and
think that I have everything together, because believe you me,
I don't. I still I still suffer every day. I
even now coming out with this book, before this. Nobody,
well not nobody, but very very few people have ever
read my writing because I kept it so close to
(17:49):
me and I was so scared of people making fun
of me or telling me that my writing was terrible
or things like that, even though deep down I knew
I was a talented writer. It's been a passion since
I was teeny tiny. But even now I'm like, am
I really good enough to come out with this book?
It's it's imposter syndrome and it's super prevalent.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
I have to tell you something, Dedre. And this goes
through the audience too. When you set boundaries with people
who have treated you not great, they don't like it.
People will resent you setting boundaries and they will not
(18:38):
like it, and they'll, you know, we'll talk about you.
And I heard the saying like seven years ago and
it really hit me. It is none of your business
what other people say about you and what they say,
you know, me, behind your back. And when like at
my age, I have finally learned, you know what, it's
(19:01):
really freeing not to care what people think.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
You know, I'm being that that's the version of myself
that I could be, and if people don't like it,
let them talk about me, Let them say whatever they want.
I'm still gonna do my thing.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Yeah, Like, I know all these people, and I'm laughing
right now because I know exactly who is running a
campaign against that. Because I set my boundaries and I
know at the end of the day, I can look
at myself in the mirror and I know I'm a
good person. I know that I have nothing but kindness
and compassion and positivity in my heart towards everybody. I
(19:39):
don't even wish bad things on my worst enemies. But
of all those people who are behind my back talking,
how many of them can say that? I bet you
they can't.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
That's that's right.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
And you know what a lot of it, sorry to say,
is jealousy.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You know it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
You're a strong person does ray because you're taking your
most intimate thoughts.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You put it out on paper and you know people.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Are going to read it, and people will see your vulnerability.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
And sometimes, you know, we'd like to hide it, right,
we'd like to hide our vulnerability. And you know, yes,
and how we feel.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
But you know what, people there are gonna always be critics.
Sometimes we're our own worst critic. I know I am
for myself but you never know. I'm going to tell
you this, Desiree. You never know who hears you and
(20:46):
who can.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Be affected by the words that you say.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
And I you know, I will not be surprised if
you get such positive response from your book saying don't
you that's right?
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You helped me. And even if people don't respond, new
health people go ahead.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, I mean, that's that's the point. That's my whole point,
and that's what's keeping me going. And that was what
made me actually publish the book, is because I went
through everything completely alone. Like I did not have a
support system until probably about two or three years ago,
(21:30):
and now I have the best support system I could
ever ask for. But for the first thirty five or
so years, I went through everything completely by myself, and
I thought I was the only one thinking, you know,
crazy things and negative things, and I thought I was
the only one going through the things that I was
going through, et cetera, et cetera. And come to find out,
(21:51):
you know, everybody has a story. Everybody's been through me.
So I just I don't want people to feel like
they're alone in their journey, because they're not it. And
I just I want people to have hope for the
future because as long as you put in the work,
you can make your life better.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
It's hard.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
I'm not going to take that away from it. It's
not easy, but you just have to keep that motivation
and keep your eye on the prize and it it'll
eventually happen.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yes, yeah, you are. I agree one hundred percent. I
mean I'm still, you know, going for counseling. And I
also was alone and my struggles, you know, josh and
I we were a tag team taking care of me,
(22:40):
my husband, Joshua's dad. And people don't you know, unless
you've gone through a circum of course, this conclusion does
right as if people don't go through a circumstance, they
don't know what it's like.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
And I've come to the.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Point now at my age. You know what, I don't
owe people an explanation. I don't owe anyone in an
explanation of why I can or cannot do something. And
you know what I told just this, I'm really happy
that people don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
What it's like to lose a spouse. I'm glad they
don't know. I'm glad they don't.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Know what it's like to live in chronic pain, But
because they don't live in chronic pain doesn't mean that
I don't live in chronic pain.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
But you know, and I and.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Also sometimes understanding where people don't have the emotional intelligence
to understand other people's situations to emphathize. Some people just
can't do it and we can't change them, you know. Yep,
it's really it boggles the mind of what people will
(24:01):
say about other people when they don't know the situation.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
You know. So I have tried. I have tried and tried.
I have analyzed and because I'm a very analytical person
as well, and I can generally figure out maybe logical
maybe illogical explanation for why people are the way they are.
But the way some people have treated me, I mean
(24:29):
even in the past five years, I look at them
and I try to analyze it, and it just makes
no sense. But also I could never do that to somebody.
I could never act that way towards somebody else. So
maybe that's why I can't understand why they've treated me
in that way. But it just it blows my mind
(24:50):
every day.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, yeah, it is mind baggling.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
You know, people they don't understand a situations and you know,
what that's that's that's their problem. You know. That's yes,
like you said, it's a reflection on them.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Maya Angelo, you know, she's don't gonna paraphrase.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
She said, people may not remember your name, but don't
remember how you made them feel.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And that's true.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I have seen it said that. I love that phrase.
That's a wonderful quote.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
I have definitely have experienced that, and I have had
people tell me, you know, Betsy, thank you for your support.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Right, It's very.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Powerful because you're just showing support, and that's what you
know is missing I think in this world and when
we share our stories right like you're doing your book,
does it brings our I feel it brings our humanity
back to share.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Yeah, I mean our stories.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Social media is great, but I feel like it really
does remove people from the human side of things. Although
we can connect to people, you know, all over the
world now in a way like we never could before,
it's still it's how can I explain it? It's cold,
It's lacking an actual human touch and human interaction, and
(26:33):
I think that it's severely lacking today.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
It said that probably last month of my show, and
at a time where we can't connect to anyone anywhere.
We're more connected than ever, We're also more disconnected with
each other than ever before.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
There's disconnect, you know.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I mean, why why are people filming tragic events instead
of calling nine to one one?
Speaker 3 (27:07):
I can't. That drives me crazy. That drives me out
of my mind when I see that.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
I don't. Yeah, I don't get it. It's just so bizarre,
uh to me.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I want to get back desiree to what was it
like growing up with your grandmother?
Speaker 3 (27:29):
No, it was, it was something something So it was
I don't want to say it was a love hate relationship,
but it was kind of a love hate relationship. When
push came to shove and something major happen and they
needed her, she was there. Not emotionally, she was in
(27:52):
my opinion, and this was never you know, confirmed by
a professional, but in my opinion, she had a whole
lot of undiagnosed psychiatric illnesses. I can probably name a
few off the top of my head, but because they
were undiagnosed and thus untreated, they affected her, which affected me.
(28:15):
So one of the big ones is that she was
a hoarder, and so I always felt that she put
her things ahead of me. She would fight tooth and
nail to keep a piece of loose Lya's paper from
nineteen sixty seven. But she never fought her heart from me.
(28:39):
So it was just something like I knew if I
if I needed her, if I was, you know, laid
on a car payment or something like that, she would
always cover it. And she kept a roof over my head.
But that and that was pretty much it. I had
no emotional support. And like I said before, I can
(29:02):
understand the why behind everything and the way she acted
and stuff like that, but it didn't make.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
The hurt less great.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
So it was it was traumatic growing up with her.
I moved back in with her when I was let
me say, my mom and I moved in with her
when I was ten. Then my mom passed away and
I had to go to Florida for a year, and
that was a whole different ballgame. And then I came
back to her after a year, and then I bounced
between her and wherever I could go for a while,
(29:34):
and then we ended up. She moved in with me
in twenty twenty because she had a heart problem, and
I took care of her until the day she died.
This past December. So it was I'm sorry, it was interesting.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yeah, so you were a caregiver also, and that's a
whole another that's a whole circumstance. That's right, it is,
you know, it's.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
People don't realize this, and it took me years to
realize this. And I've heard this with what we would
grow up with, whoever we lived with.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Parents, grandparents, whoever they were emotionally unavailable. Do you realize
from what they hear from experts, we tend to go
attract the same type.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
I always say. So, I've been married twice, and I
always say, the first time I got married, I married
my father. The second time I got married, I married
my grandmother.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
And it's wow, it's so true.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
You you just you attract or maybe not even a track,
but you gravitate towards what you're used to, even if
it's crazy and abusive and narcissistic, speaking from experience, and
just terrible, you're you gravitate towards that because you're comfortable
with the chaos more than you're comfortable with the safety.
(31:16):
And you know, getting into the relationship that I'm in now.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
It was it was difficult.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
I was uncomfortable because I'm safe and taken care of.
And it sounds insane to say, but it's true because
I have nothing but drama and chaos and trauma my
entire life. So when I got into a relationship where
I was taken care of and I was safe and
I was okay to be vulnerable, it didn't feel.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Right, yeah, because you're not used to it. And then right, yeah,
and then you're waiting for the bull to drop, right,
like you're waiting for day yeah, yes, wait, okay, yeah, yeah.
It's it's like you're waiting, okay, when is this person
going to abandon me or hurt?
Speaker 3 (32:05):
Yep mm hmm, oh yeah, one hundred percent. I mean
he he deals with the residual effects of all of
my trauma all the time, and you know, he's he's
so loving and patient and I am incredibly lucky to
have him. But it's true. I wait every day. He
even looks at me. One day he said, you're just
(32:26):
waiting for the other shoot to drop, aren't you? And
I lost it and I was like, yes, like when
is it all going to go wrong? When is it
going to blow up in my face? When are you
going to die? Because everybody around me dies. When when
are you going to die? Are you gonna die? Marrow?
It's it's awful, it is And you know what, to
(32:46):
what degree does right mean?
Speaker 1 (32:47):
I didn't live your life? But to a degree I
can understand that because whenever I get close to someone,
they leave, they either move that blogging or something happen.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Fist, So I had this fear, and there are transparent
air books. I do have this sphere of getting close
to people. Oh, because listen it leads to pain.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yeah, I associate getting close to people with seeing hurt.
And that's crazy as that might sound.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
I made friends with this girl about a year and
a half ago, and we hit it off immediately, and
she is still my very best friend. Like her and
I are sick as thieves and we're like the ying
to each other's yang. And you know, I make a
joke of it because trauma gave me dark humor and
(33:43):
that's how I deal with things. Yes, I look at her,
I said, I said, don't step on any cracks, don't
go and don't drive in the car on the highway
behind a logging truck, like be careful to do because
you know people around me drop like flies, and you know,
I made a joke about it. But at the same time,
like my best friend back in the day, she was
(34:05):
murdered when she was thirty five years old.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Oh my goodness, it happened. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
So it's scary, Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
And you know I was always afraid of that with Matt.
I knew Matt was going to leave me. I had
knowing that he was going to leave me early. And
you know, he died the six years in January, and
he knew. It's weird because he said he wouldn't. We
didn't even plan retirement. Goes, I'm not going to live
(34:40):
long enough. The men of my family don't look so retirement.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
He was right, that's yeah. And when I was younger,
I had three close friends. I was like nine or ten.
They left, They moved Desiree within a very close time
with together. So I had three friends I was close
(35:08):
to leave me. Yes, wow.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
And that traumatized me. Put me in a depression, the
least of me into adulthood. Of course, when I was
a child back in the sixties, we didn't talk about that.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
I didn't know what grief was.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
I didn't you know, I had the sadness and It's
like my mother would say, you don't have nothing to be.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Sad about, but I did. To me, I did.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
And I was afraid of getting close to people, so
I didn't make friends because I was afraid they would
leave me. And then my family made fun of me
for not having friends because they didn't want to understand
why I didn't have.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
Friends, right, And I mean, I moved around so much,
but I couldn't. I couldn't make those friendships because I
was moving all over the place all the time, like
I want to, Oh, probably four different schools before high school,
so you know, nothing loved it like I have. I
(36:08):
have one friend that I've had since.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Oh, I think I lost you.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (36:16):
I might have lost DESI Ray? If you hear me?
Does Ray pull back in?
Speaker 3 (36:24):
Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (36:24):
As far as I say, it's still recording? Does Rays cool?
Somehow got dropped? Folks? I hope she uh called back in.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I don't know what happened, but you know how technology is.
We are at the mercy of technology. But I highly
recommend for you all to read trash.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
There's there. You're here. Yes, I don't know what happened,
but you're back.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
I to the channel. That's what I had to do.
I had to make sure it was dramatic.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
That's okay, You're not the only one this happened. So
I had lived, so that's fine. I'm just to that pass.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Somehow.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, just too living. So you moved around.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
So why would you feel comfortable making friends if you
knew you were going to be leaving?
Speaker 1 (37:38):
So you protect yourself, don't you Deadbury. We get this armor. Absolutely,
we built a protective armor. Oh my god, you and
I have so much in common.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
We mean, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Yeah, we do. We build this protective armor. And I
realized a few years ago my walls that were keeping
people out, we're also not letting people into my life
that could help me.
Speaker 3 (38:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So the two it's a very what I want to say,
it's a it's a very difficult situation for a lot
of us to let people in and they keep people
out because we want to protect ourselves. Yeah, and this
is what happens. Excuse me. When you've been hurt over
(38:34):
and over and over again and you don't want to
get hurt anymore, you have to.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
It's like you're controlling your own hurt. You have to
control your own hurt so that other people can't hurt
you anymore. You're the only one that's allowed to hurt you.
It's just wild. The human brain is fast, yes.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
And with grieving, and you have a lot of loss
in your life, a tremendous amount of loss. And there's
the you know, grieving brain and how grieving affects us
in the ways that I didn't even know until after
I lost my husband and more people start talking about
(39:21):
grieving because grieving is not talked about. People don't want
to mention the deceased person's name, as if we don't
know that they're already gone.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
You know, folks, you can.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Because you want to keep their memory alive, don't you.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Yes, absolutely absolutely. You know it's like, oh, you know,
if I mentioned their names, they might get upset. Well, yeah,
we might cry because your memory might touch our heart,
you know, But it's not because you mentioned that were
lud one's name.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
I say, save their name, share my memory.
Speaker 3 (40:00):
We want to hear that, keep them live, keep their
se going. That's why I talked to my kids about
my parents all the time. I have a big picture
of my mom in my living room. My dad. I
need to find one he because he died when I
was seven, so a lot of his stuff is kind
of hard to find. But I tell my kids all
(40:23):
the time, all the time about my parents and who
they were as people. And you know, my dad wasn't
the greatest guy in the whole world, but that was
because he had his own issues that were undiagnosed and
thus untreated. But my kids know who they are and
who they were, and where they came from and all
of that stuff. You have to keep that alive. If
(40:43):
you don't say their names as they die, like and
if they really.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Die, that's yeah, that is so true in such a
contrast when I was younger and I was a curious child,
and now I'm the curious adult when I would ask
about my deceased relatives, don't talk about them. Yeah, let
them rest in peace. We don't talk about them. Well,
why can't you talk about them?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Right? Why can't you say? You know what they did,
who they were?
Speaker 2 (41:18):
I have. I'm so glad to see now deseree people
showing and sharing the loved ones memories. And I feel
like I blazed the trail because when Matt died, people
were not showing their pictures and.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I said, you know what, if you want to share
your loved one's memories of.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Their birthday or celebrate their birthday, Josh and I will
celebrate Matt's birthday.
Speaker 3 (41:45):
Do it.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
If you want to celebrate your anniversary.
Speaker 3 (41:47):
Funny, do it. I just thought of this so funny.
Today is my dad's birthday. Oh wow, yeah, isn't that funny? Yeah,
August first, it's nineteen fifty my dad was born.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Wowway say you're younger than me. That's and well, I
guess seventh is Matt's birthday.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
Lead to each other. They're probably up there hanging out.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
Yeah, you know, I mean, why can't people celebrate?
Speaker 2 (42:23):
You know?
Speaker 1 (42:23):
And it's it's very you know, we have society were not.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Taught about grieving. And I say this a lot on
my show. It does ray and I'm gonna say it
again for the people in the back. Please, people do
not tell people to be strong. That is not helpful.
It's hurtful. Actually, because people have been strong, they are strong.
(42:56):
Just because someone cries or they seek support does not
make them a weak person.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
We have to change that image. It does not. Will
Believe me.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
My entire life, I was strong quote unquote, I was strong.
I didn't even cry at my mom. My mom was
my best friend, and I didn't even cry at her
wake because I was too busy walking around and trying
to get people to not be sad. So like I've
been taking care of people since I was a kid.
Like it just it's being strong. Is it's almost a fallacy,
(43:34):
like you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and
it's so hard and I'm not the best at that.
I am not very emotional. But you gotta let the
the the wall down a little bit just to get
it out. Can't fester. Festering is so underdy.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
It definitely is that you have two sons. I have
a son, and I've always say that, you know, we.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
Have to train our sons to show their emotions of
what they're feeling and a positive, nuturing environment.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
And that's the problem, Desrie.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
I mean, you know, like your dad was, you know
from my error and even as a female, not you
know men in my time to it, don't cry.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
You're being a sissy. I was told, don't cry. That's
a weakness, You're a cry baby. Suck it up.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yeah, we have to stop this, And I really I
say this a lot because men are more prone to
suicide than women statistically, and we you know, even like
I'll give an example when Josh I videoed Matt dying
(44:59):
and people would say Josh and I crying and for
someone to say be strong, or to tell Josh be
strong for your mom. Oh no no, and I have
a big mouth. No, he does not have to be strong.
He can't cry if he wants to. I could cry.
That doesn't mean that we're weak. We are watching our
(45:19):
loved ones die. Where human beings, we're not robots. And
I think that that just really.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
Has to change.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
And even you're like I told, I talked to Josh
a lot about you know, he knows he could come
to me if he has a problem. He knows he
could talk about grieving his dad's birthdays coming up. I
asked him, how you doing Father's Day? And very difficult
for him, And you know what I told him, Yes, Drey,
I said, Father's Day may always be difficult for you.
(45:54):
That's good that you realize it. It's okay to realize
that it's okay to be sad and we go and
have fun. We you have to validate folks, your feelings.
You have to acknowledge your feelings and then move on,
because if you don't put front and sit with your pain.
As as difficult as it is, if you don't sit
(46:18):
with it, it's gonna it is gonna fester, it's gonna
make you sick.
Speaker 1 (46:21):
It doesn't fact.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
People don't really, it's going to come out between festering
on these things and keeping things in and actually physiologically
and physically getting ill. There's such a huge connection between
those two, Like our are absolutely a powerful, powerful thing,
(46:46):
and it affects the rest of our body. I mean,
there's there's research studies out there that say, like stress
lowers your immune system, which it absolutely does. I'm hardly
ever sick these days, not that I'm not stressed out,
but I'm not. I'm not as traumatized and negative as
(47:07):
I used to be when I was growing up at
my grandma's house. And I'm sure there were physical factors
as well, but I was sick all the time. I
was in the emergency room probably once a month up
until I moved out of her house. So it's it's
so so interconnected, and people really need to focus on
their mental health in order to get the best out
(47:29):
of their physical health.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
Absolutely, that's where you are amazing. You are such a gem.
I'm sudding you via the airwaves because you You're just
a pleasure to talk to.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
And I love talking to authentic you know, people that
just you know, share. Hey, you know what, I've had
a circumstance and I'm going for help. Yes it's a struggle.
Yes it's a daily struggle. But you know what, I'm
here and I'm making this through and I'm working on myself. Yeah,
(48:15):
because we're all working in progress.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
Until the day we die. That's actually we are all
works in progress.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Like I said, I don't want anybody to come up
in here and think that there's just a light switch
that gets flipped and like everything is just wonderful right
after that, it's not. There are days when my biggest
accomplishment is getting out of bed. That's still there. The
depression is still there. And I say this in my book.
I think that I view mental illness kind of like asthma.
(48:48):
So if somebody has asthma, it's a kind of commission.
They're going to have it their entire life, their whole life.
But with the right breathing treatment and respiratory therapy, the
asthma attacks will be fewer and farther between, and they'll
be less severe. Same thing in my opinion. Again, I'm
not professional, but the same thing in my opinion with
(49:10):
mental illness, like my depression and anxiety and all that stuff,
it's still there. It's always going to be there, but
because of medication and therapy, my episodes are fewer and
farther between, and they're less severe. So I used to
when I would go into a depressive episode, I would
(49:34):
be there for it could be as long as a month.
But then I got on medication and I got into therapy.
Now I know if I have a depressive episode, it's
probably only going to last two or three days, maybe
weak tops, so it gets less. It will always be there,
(49:57):
but it won't be as bad as it once was.
Every day is a step forward.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
Absolutely, Uh that is that is so true, deesree. We
need to treat mental health illness just like anything else.
If you have a fractured you know, arm, you put
it in the cast. It gets repaired.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yea.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
You know, there are wounds, like I said before, that
are invisible and folks don't judge.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
People don't ever.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Judge anyone taking medication that they need to help them,
because I always say this, no one knows what's in
store for us, and life can throw you a curveball.
And how how would you want to be treated if
you had to be on medication, if you had to
go for counseling. So you know that's just how I feel.
(50:52):
And as we wrap up here, does there, I want
to thank you for coming on sharing your your story and.
Speaker 1 (51:03):
I wish you much success. Folks. The name of the
book is You're Welcome Trash, A Survivor's Journey through Trauma,
abuse and Healing. Does Ray Pearl and go ahead? Does
Ray give your information again? Where they could get the book?
Speaker 3 (51:23):
So you can go on my website. It is that
dark Chick NJ like New Jersey dot com. And then
you go to the literary crypt tab and you'll see
it right there. It's available for pre order now and
then after August sixteenth, it'll be much more widely distributed.
(51:44):
But if people go to my site to get it,
that'd be even cooler.
Speaker 2 (51:49):
Oh that is so awesome. Thank you and best wishes
on your book. And you've ever want to come back,
you are more than welcome to come back.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
I really appreciate you having me.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
Oh you are welcome and my pleasure. And I want
to thank my son Joshua loves.
Speaker 2 (52:14):
You are connecting, does and I together and folks, all
the information about Desirey Pearl will be in a blog
that Genie White writes. Genie White as the station manager
and produces the show. And I want to thank William Coldwell,
(52:34):
who's the CEO of Passion World Talk Radio Network makes
it all possible. And I want to thank you for
listening subscribing. If you don't erase, subscribe to Chatting with Betsy.
It is for free on Spotify, Spreaker, Amazon Music, to
name a few, and I really would appreciate it if
you would subscribe, share the show to help someone.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
This is why I do Chatting with Betsy.
Speaker 2 (53:00):
It's to let people know that they are not alone
and provide resources. Passion World Talk Radio Network is not
just your regular Internet station. We are a resource center.
Go on Passion World Talk radionetwork dot com. You could
put in a topic and you will probably see resources.
(53:22):
And I just want to thank everyone for joining me
today and again, thank you Desrey Pearl for.
Speaker 1 (53:32):
Your book that you wrote. And I could tell it's
from the heart. I could tell you speak from the heart,
and I wish you all the happiness and in the world.
I really do you deserve it.
Speaker 3 (53:47):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:49):
You're welcome in folks. If you want to follow me
on Facebook, that's the Worzel w or Z e l
and you can see pictures of Josh and I and
Matt and just you know, be kind to each other.
Speaker 2 (54:07):
Now we stay at the end of the show, and
I'm going to say it again, in a world where
you could be anything, please be kind and shine your
life right because.
Speaker 1 (54:18):
We need it now more than ever before. We need
to shine that light, folks, and be kind to humans,
to each other.
Speaker 2 (54:27):
And that's not to say today this is Betsy Worthal
you're a host of Chatting with Betsy. I'm Pasturable Talk
Radio Network, a subsidiary of Global Media Network LLC.
Speaker 1 (54:40):
So we chat again. Be safe everyone, Bye bye now
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