September 26, 2023 • 41 mins
In this episode, were diving straight into deep waters with friendship red flags. We've all had friendships that went less than great and weve all learned a few things to try and prevent that happening in the future. This is our list of lessons learned and what to look out for when someone may not be aligned with you. If you like the episode, or our podcast in general, please rate and review and share! It helps so much.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shaya, I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hot Girls
(00:21):
Cry Podcast. Hey everyone, welcomeback to another episode of the Hawk Girls
Cry Podcast. Welcome back, welcomeback. We are excited for today's episode.
(00:47):
It's a juicy one because we're talkingabout friendship red flags because we have
all seen them, we've all hadthem. Yeah, we're just gonna share
ours. But first, the firstgratitudes are you grateful for today? I
am grateful for change. I feellike I'm in a change era, my
(01:10):
change era, a lot of shiftingin my life, and I think it's
all for the best, and evenif it doesn't feel that way at first,
I know it's going to work outthat way. So yeah, I'm
just grateful for change. And asa Scorpio, I just love change in
journal I love the feeling of anew star and things like moving around and
all of that. It gets myjournaline pumping, you know. So,
(01:34):
yeah, I'm grateful for change.What are you grateful for? I'm grateful
for things kind of coming together.I feel like I've been going through like
a really stressful period with work,and I think the old me would have
been really anxious and stressed. AndI feel like after a lot of therapy
and just a lot of growth,I've kind of come to terms with like
(01:55):
it'll just work out and I letit, you know, be what it
was, and it did all workout, and so I'm just grateful that
it worked out, but also justgrateful for this new piece that I love
because it used to be real chaoticup in here. No, that's so
true that you'll have whenever a shiphits the fan, you know, it's
gonna all level back out and everything'sgonna be fine. So and now I
(02:21):
know that I feel like I usedto be like what do I need to
do immediately to fix it? Andyeah, I'm like able to accept like,
Okay, like it's gonna be fine, and we've been in worse places
before and we'll get through it andit will be what it is. Yeah,
And things are always gonna have apoint to where they hit the fan.
And it just gives you a roomto grow because if, like when
you are at a low point,it always ends up getting better than it
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even once before that point, youknow what I mean. Yeah, and
then I always learned how to dealwith it, and like that's why I
feel like I handled things so muchbetter now. Is like it's all situations
we've been in, I've learned fromthem, and so now it's like,
Okay, well I know that thiswill be fine and I just need to
deal with it. And like thatjust comes with running a business because a
lot of it has just been workshit. Yeah part of yo, thanks growth
(03:07):
hashtag growth. Love that. Solet's dive in to our friendship red flags.
Oh this is such a good topicbecause it's I mean, everyone goes
through the process and making friends.And one of my things is that I
always feel like is I feel likeI started meeting really weird ass bitches after
(03:30):
high school, Like high school,and no one I met was I mean,
of course I met people who moveda little funny, but I feel
like whenever you're in a high schoolsetting, you can really assess people,
and like you know people through otherpeople, so you can kind of like
sit back and look at other peopleand see how they are and then decide
if you want to partake. Butin adulthood it's a little differently because people
(03:53):
are just randomly popping into your life. Yeah, like they're coming from any
sort of background, any sort offamily life. Like with high school,
I feel like we have a generalidea, yes, and like a person
is about yeah, but like whenit is a completely new person as an
adult, it's like, so,where where are we meeting at? Like,
yeah, where are you on thecrazy spectrum? Like control not crazy
(04:15):
at all, or like fucking batshit. Yeah. And I feel like
we've both as adults had a lotof experience with like trying to make girlfriends,
like as adults, and we've bothexperienced it ourselves, but also seeing
each other meet someone and be likewe're both just always see the best in
people. We're also people pleasers arealso very nurturing and giving. And now
I feel like we're able to sitback and be like, oh, we
(04:36):
learned from that one girl that thatwas a red flag, and now we're
seeing it again. Yeah. WheneverI was fresh in my twenties, I
just took on literally any friend whowanted to be my friend. I've always
been that type of person, justlike you want to be more friend,
like come on, let's go,let's party. But I think that really
started to bite me and ask becauseme and people were not aligned and people
(05:00):
didn't have the best intentions sometimes.And now I'm the polar opposite where I
really have to sit back and assessand like, you can say one thing
out of line and I'll bet gottago like red flags going off everywhere,
and I've just I feel like I'vereached the point. Obviously there's probably going
to be someone in the future thatI meet and I think we're aligned,
(05:21):
but we're not. But I feellike now I'm just so much more cautious.
Yeah, like we can filter itbetter. Yes, yeah, we
know what to look out for.So I feel like that is one of
my first things is just avice sinceany weirdness, like any weird comment.
I don't give people to benefit ofthe doubt anymore, because that's something I
used to do so much, likeoh, I know she didn't mean it
(05:43):
like that, or like, yeah, I think we both used to see
it as like, well, Iwouldn't have done that, and it's not
like all these people are just maliciousand bad people and like everyone else but
us is horrible. But like it'sjust things that don't want align. People
are just projecting their own ship allthe time, Like we all come with
our stuff. Yeah, but yeah, if I hear like any sort of
just like comment about anything that I'mlike, that's a weird thing to say,
(06:09):
Like why would you say that?For example, I'll just use like
this little example, I'm that girlover the weekend and she was like,
your hair is orange and blonde,and I was like okay, But it
was just in the way that shesaid it, it was like it was
just like why would you say that? You know, what was the actual
purpose behind that? Are you tryingto put me down? Are you trying
(06:30):
to just be like that's an interestinghair color? Because it wasn't. She
wasn't saying it as compliment. Yeah, And I think that's a big part
of like red flags, and likethe growth that we both had is like
after experiencing bad friendships, we thencan afterwards recognize what the red flags were
like in hindsight. But now it'salso like raising our standards of like we
don't want friends who make us feela type of way, we don't want
(06:54):
friends who you're having to wonder likewhat was your intention? Like I want
a friend who I know is therefor me, has the best intentions for
me, exact would never mean tohurt me, and like, of course
there's guys really me and you havesaid something it's like wait, that's not
how I meant it, or likedon't take it this way, and like
that happens, but like I knowthrough and through like you would never try
to offend me. But it's likeif you're questioning that, then that person,
(07:16):
especially off the bat too. Wheneversomeone is really trying to put their
best first impression, best foot forward, and you're already getting those signals,
that's like alarm bells are going offand they're already kind of saying things that
are less than super nice to you. It's like whoa, yeah, okay,
let's reel it back in because obviously, when your friends like you,
(07:38):
you let your guard down a lot, and you might say something that offends
your friend unknowingly, and of coursethat's gonna happen. That's gonna happen with
your parents, with your partner,with anyone in your life. But definitely
when it's from someone you're trying toform a connection with. Off of that,
it's a little bit like something tobe noted. Yeah, And to
add to that, I feel likeif anything comes from like a threatened or
(08:00):
petitive energy, Like I'm a competitiveperson, but I would never want to
put somebody down to make myself feelbetter. And like we had that situation
where we met like a friend ofa friend and we all went out and
I felt like this girl was likedirectly competing with you, and I felt
like she was trying to make apoint to make sure that we knew how
(08:22):
cool she was. And it's likewe can all be cool, like in
like for me to see her actingthat way with you, I was kind
of like ill, Like y'all canboth shine. Like that's the thing that's
weird, I feel like. AndI I feel like a lot of women
struggle to let other women shine withoutbeing threatened by it. And it's like
(08:46):
that's so hard for me because I'min a motherfucking shine Okay, they about
it. One thing about that thingcan dule my sparkle not on period,
and that's on period, but it'slike I can sense it immediately and it's
so hard for me to come toterms with because it's like, I I'm
not perfect, but that's one thingI would never do. Like I want
(09:09):
my friends to be the absolute bestthat they can be. Like it's so
inspiring to me when I see myfriend in their moment and their thing like
going off or just doing being likethat should be happy for your friends,
Yeah, a hundred percent. ButI think for some reason, I'm sure
it has something to do with apatriarchy or misogyny or yeah, I mean
there's something. I think we're taughtthat, like there's only room for so
(09:31):
many of us. Yeah, andit comes from a scarcity mindset, like,
oh, this person is doing sogood, like I must be shit.
And it's like no, you're likewe can both. Yeah, you're
your own flower, bloom over there, bloom over here, and we'll just
hype each other up. It's fine. Yeah, And I think, like,
just to add to that one,it's like somebody who even jokingly tries
(09:52):
to put you down as a senseof humor to make themselves seem better.
And like I feel like I hada friend who told me like she went
out on like with a group ofguys and her friend kept making jokes and
like putting her down, and shewas like the butt of all the jokes,
and like, I don't know,like I just I'm very sensitive and
like I'm not like a teasing kindof person, Like I don't want to
(10:13):
tease where like it's mean, LikeI don't think that's funny. Yeah,
And so I feel like if somebodymakes you the butt of their jokes in
front of especially if it's like undercertains or certain circumstances, that's a red
flag. It's like, oh,like you only feel good and confident because
you're putting me down. Like,yeah, it's icky, it's very picked
(10:33):
me, especially if it's in frontof Blaze guys. But I feel like
you can always like energy doesn't lie, and you know when it's kind of
to try to put you down orput you and that's just moral of the
story. Only be with people oronly be around people who lift you up
make you feel good. Yeah,yeah, you can just feel the energy.
(10:54):
I had. I had an exbest friend once who I Okay,
this is kind of a crazy,but I knew this guy was a fuck
boy, right, So I paida girl to message him like this hot
girl on Instagram. I paid thisgirl to message him on Instagram and me
and her were kind of friends withhim and all of his friend groups.
So his friend group came over andimmediately as soon as they came over,
(11:18):
she was like, oh my god, Shania paid this girl to message Oh
what's his face? And I waslike okay, like that's that's kind of
a secret for a reason. Butlike it was just like immediate, like
why are you saying that? Yeah, it's almost like using your story as
the drama. Yes, yeah,yeah, it's like you're not like the
(11:39):
entertainment piece. Like no, it'slike what is your intentions behind that?
It's like to get everyone to belike what, she's crazy? Like,
you know, it's just I don'tknow if I don't like that. Yeah,
it's a break of trust for sure. We feel like we both are
a target for this. But whensomebody becomes your friend in their moment of
crisis, oh yeah, yeah,like it happens, everyone goes through their
(12:01):
ship, of course, But Ithink the biggest one for me is if
somebody is clinging to you and likelove bombs you and comes onto the friendship
full speed in their moment of crisis, and it's somebody you're just now meeting.
It's like, why if you're inthis crisis, like let's say you're
(12:22):
went through a breakup and you lostyour job or you're looking for a place
to live, and we just becamefriends, why am I the go to
person that you feel comfortable coming toin your place of need when we've just
met Like that would be which itwasn't at the time because I did it
all and catered to them. ButI feel like if I were in a
(12:43):
moment like that, I have youas my best friend, but like if
I had just met someone, Iwouldn't be going to and being like,
hey, like I need a placeto live. Like I get it should
happens, and like people need help, and like should be able come for
asking for help, but like ithopefully they have somebody closer to them.
Yeah, it's giving manic. Yeah, it's giving, very manic. And
even before we became friends, youwould have leaned on your parents, and
(13:07):
you would have leaned on your husband, you would have leaned on all of
these closer people in your life.But I feel like, I don't know,
it's just it gives me a manicvibe, and I think people like
that are often in a cycle ofjust like these everything is like this major
thing and they're constantly always like needingyou and needing you, and it's almost
(13:28):
like they thrive off of the dramaand the chaos. Yes, which is
not fair to anyone around them becausethey have to keep trying to bring them
up out of that. And it'sit's almost like an attention thing to me,
honestly. Yeah, And I feellike if you're not that close with
them, but you're the closest personthat they can come to for help,
Yeah, that's a red flag.And it's like, why am I as
(13:52):
somebody who's not even that close withyou? Your go too? And that
shows me like you don't have otherpeople to rely on, Like why is
that? You know? Yeah,because you've probably she's there, she's in
that or they're in that cycle wherethey've probably done that to the people closest
to them a lot. So you'rethe newest kind of person that's come along.
And yeah, And I think that'sbeen hard for both of us because
we both had to kind of recognizelike as super giving people when you'd just
(14:16):
be aware of like under what circumstancesare we giving who are we giving to,
Like we can help each other outall day along because we have that
level of friendship now. But it'slike when you're meeting someone day one and
the next day you're helping them geta job, helping them to find a
house and helping them with their kidsor giving them money or like whatever.
It's kind of like, wait aminute, we just met. Yeah.
I started being friends with a girlonce who was going through like a breakup
(14:41):
and she was with a guy forthree years. And don't get me wrong,
I still love this girl. Istill think she's an amazing person,
but I think like her life wasjust under so much transformation and it was
almost like every time we hung out, it was like just that was like
the thing we were talking about,and it was like me almost being her
therapist, and like, it's hardto start your relationship off like that because
(15:05):
super one sided. Yeah, it'ssuper one sided. And at the time,
of course, I'm just like,you know, she's going through this
and I want to be there forher. And it sucks that we started
our friendship right now, but likeI want to be there for her through
that. But it just kind oflike all consumed our relationship for two months
and we ended up not being likesuper close for different reasons. But I
(15:28):
think it's just it's hard to startyour relationship off like that too, because
it's like, okay, so becauseyou don't really get to build a foundation
of like give and take. It'svery much like we're in at the deep
end. I'm helping you and nowwe're friends, and yeah, it's like
that's not really fair for one andthe person. And I think there's a
level to it. Of course,you can come and bring your problems to
a new person in your life,but if it's one of those things where
(15:52):
it's just you can feel it whereit's just like this is life or death
and I'm like in the trenches typeof thing, you know what I mean.
And I think it's that type ofsuper like desperate energy. Yeah yeah,
And I'm almoso like maybe this isjust me being judgmental, but I
also feel like I wouldn't be comfortabletaking from someone that I didn't know that
(16:14):
well. Like I get it peoplein minds, but like for you to
be so comfortable to come and takefrom me when we're not even that close,
I'm kind of like, oh,like you had no problem just living
on my couch, eating my food, driving my car, And it's like,
but why was that so easy foryou just to take it? Like
I would feel so uncomfortable even withyou, so of like I would hate
It's like it's really hard for meto ask for help, so like maybe
(16:36):
that's a big part of it,but it's just like, why is it
so easy for you to take fromme when we just met? Actually,
yeah, when we just met,when we're in that stage of just getting
to know each other and stuff likethat, I would feel so uncomfortable just
dumping on someone else, whether thatbe emotionally or actually asking for physical things
that they need to be met andstuff like that. That would be so
(16:56):
weird. Yeah, And I feellike that brings me to kind of my
other red flag, which is peoplewho don't ask about how you're doing,
and it's constantly just kind of likethem the whole time. And I feel
like that's a common theme in mylife because I don't love to talk about
myself, So it means a lotto me when someone really is like,
(17:18):
Okay, well how are you doinghere and they kind of bring me into
the conversation. I'm like oh,you do care, but it's just the
intention yes, yes, like howare you doing? Just? I mean
I feel like that's so basic.Yeah, it's crazy how many people that
have came into my life that haven't. Yeah, And I think that social
(17:40):
media plays a big part of itbecause as people who share a lot of
what we do on social media,I think there's people who just assume like,
oh, well, you're obviously doingwell, Like I saw that you
went to the gym this morning.I saw that you did this, And
it's like, I think it's justhaving that awareness of we're not going to
put ourselves crying on. I meansometimes but it's like social media isn't real
and it's like yeah, I canshow that I did this and that and
(18:02):
have these accomplishments or whatever on socialmedia, but like as a real person
and a real friend, like it'sstill like it's still your responsibility to care
and to be like hey, likebut how are you doing? You know?
Yeah? Would you have for breakfast? Like just anything, just showing
an interest in anything. Yeah,on a human level, that's going on,
Yeah, in your life. Ithink the thing that hurts me the
(18:22):
most with situations like that hurts myfeelings is like you just assumed I'm doing
fine, so then you didn't botherasking, But then you're coming to me
and like like you said, likethere, it's not double sided, Like
it's very much like what are yourproblems? And then they're just like,
oh, but you're fine, Likeyou're doing fine, and like I just
remember I had a friend who wouldalways be like she would check in with
me, but it was never areal check in. It was always like,
hey, like, hope you're doingwell. You obviously are. I've
(18:45):
seen it on social media and I'mjust like maybe I'm not, though,
yeah, and it's check in,Like what kind of question is that?
Yeah, it's the intention to hypeyou up. Yeah, but it's very
naive to think that it just dehumanizesyou. It's kind of dismissive because it's
kind of like we're obviously doing fine. Yeah anyways, yeah, yeah,
(19:07):
And it's almost giving jealousy a littlebit because it's like why else would you
not want to talk about me orknow what's actually going on. And it's
like if you think that my greatestmoments, my highlight reel is actually who
I am as a person, that'sjust it's nice. Yeah, it's like
let's yeah, it's just like carea little bit more than social media please,
(19:27):
Yeah, Like, let's be realhere. Do you show what's actually
going on in your life on socialmedia? No, even as an influencer,
there's just there's no actual way toshow everything, especially when it's happening
in real time. Yeah, andstuff like that, in real emotions that
you're having. It's just Instagram socialmedia in general. Half of most of
(19:47):
it is fake, so yeah,and it's slim pickings of like what's actually
going on, So it's like curatedand the real ones will actually be like
okay, but how are you orlike how did that go? Or whatever.
A big one for me is whenyou meet someone and or even just
a friend in general, and they'recomfortably talking shit about their other friends.
Yeah, because I'm like, theseare your friends, and I'm in that
(20:11):
category of like I'm also your friends, so like, are you just talking
shit about me? And it's likeit's one thing if you're having a pickle
or you're having a tiff and they'retalking about it, but it's the people
who like will talk shit about theirfriends and about who they are as people
and about like their character. Yeah, but then they're not doing anything to
distance themselves. And like when wetalked about this before, like you said,
(20:33):
like we kind of started our friendshipwhere you were in a position where
you were having a problem with yourfriends at the time, so much fucking
shit about life, but then youtook action in like, oh, yeah,
I was trying to get the fuckout of there. Yeah. Yeah,
And so I feel like that's different. It's like, but if you're
just going to continuously talk shit aboutyour friends and they continue to be friends
with them, I'm like, that'sfake. But you don't even like them,
Yeah, And then I started tothink, like, what do you
(20:56):
think about me? Like you're justtalking about me to them? Yeah,
it says something thing, Yeah,who you are? Because why would you
continue to hang out with people ifyou have so much shit to say about
you don't think they're good people,or if you like don't see the best
in them, or all these otherthings. And obviously, like you said,
like sometimes people can can just geton your nerves or like yeah,
something like that, But to reallycome after someone's character and also to like
(21:19):
for that to be a major consistentthing, you're like a talking point yeah,
like constantly. Yeah, yeah,definitely big red flags. And I
think it's also just like that relevel of respect, like you'll never catch
me talking bad about you to likeany of my friends, Like yeah,
if if we were going through something, I would talk to my husband,
who knows you, and like Idon't have other friends but only need me
(21:42):
anyway. Yeah, but I wouldnever, like I would never want to
give somebody else a bad impression ofmy best friend either, because of course
you are my best friend, andlike I don't want them to think like,
oh, she's friends with her,but she sucks. It's like why,
Like it's yeah, it's kind ofthe same thing with like your partner,
Like I don't want to talk aboutmy partner to like people at a
(22:02):
networking event, like I'll talk toyou because you know him in person and
you can objectively look at the situation. You can go to people that you
have that level of trust and thatcan give you actual advice if it's something
you know, because yeah, relationshipsare complicated and they're messy and they're sticky,
but if it's one thing where you'rejust blatantly like, oh, I
hate hate when this bitch does this, like blah blah blah blah, and
(22:23):
you're also creating like an impression ofthem. Like, you know my husband
and you know how what he's like. But if I'm talking about him to
some random person who's never met him, that's all they know about him.
Yeah, exactly, And like thatsucks, like that's not fair to him
when it's like I'm continuing to bemarried to him, and it's like,
well, she clearly doesn't hate himthat much. Yeah, no, I
get that completely. Actually, Ifeel like I've never really had someone come
(22:45):
into my life who did that.Yeah I did. And I was kind
of like it was a girl recently, and like she had two really what
appeared from the outside appeared to beher two closest friends, and she kind
of hit all the marks. Shecame to me a time of crisis,
and in that time of crisis,she came to me and then was repeatedly
talking shit about her two other bestfriends, which I was kind of like,
(23:08):
well, why aren't they helping youout of your two best friends?
But then she had all this shitto say about them, and I'm just
like, oh, so, likeyou obviously don't like these people, like
you should distance yourself from them,but then carried on being best friends with
them, And I'm like, Iwould hate to think that you had so
much bad stuff to say about me, but then carried on like we were
just great, And I'm like thatwould suck. Yeah. I feel like
sometimes people use it as a wayto get closer to other people too.
(23:33):
Again, let's take this back tolike putting other people down to be like
yeah, better. Yeah it's sogross, but it can be a little
manipulative to manipulative too, I thinkbecause they're trying to be like, oh,
you're so great, like these otherpeople suck type of thing. Yeah,
it is kind of love bombing ina way, like you're the only
one I can rely on because everyoneelse is just shit. Yeah. Well
yeah, I don't like it.Don't like that either. Okay, So
(23:59):
one major thing for me is boycraziness. Oh I just I can't ever
relate to giving that much of afuck about a boy. Like they're just
boys and attention from them is nothard to get. Like it's really not
like we are simple. We donot have to be obsessed about this.
Like I don't want to talk aboutit all the time. I don't want
(24:22):
that to be like our goal ofevery day, like look who messaged me?
What should I reply to this guy? Like look who's in my dms?
Like when we go out, likefighting for boys, attention, just
anything like that. It's just probablyI probably think that's probably one of my
major, like my biggest putoffs everis I'm like, I just to give
(24:45):
men that much control over me.Yeah, I just can't do it.
I cannot. And I think it'sjust like it's very surface level because it's
like you're finding validation in something else, and it's like I think it's just
meeting people who hold their themselves ina higher regard. And it's like,
I mean, attention is nice andlike course, but I think it's one
(25:06):
of those where like you gotta havea little I don't want to say that
they have to have more substance toyou because like that's really mean, but
it is just having things that matterto you more. Yeah, of course.
And it's just it does just tellme that you have you don't think
of yourself highly enough, do youknow what I mean? Because you need
that validation constantly and I know thatwhen it comes down to it, you
(25:29):
would put me down for that validationor you would like do weird things for
that validation, which I've seen playoutsso many times, which is also why
it just you know, it's it'snot my favorite. Yeah, I love
boys, I love a good peen, but I just I don't know,
I just don't think it's that interestingof a topic to talk about consistently.
(25:53):
I'll bring it up, for sure, we can talk about boys, like
let's go, but all the time, you know what I mean, when
someone's so consumed by boys and it'slike every day to day activity is like
that's being the focus of like welldid I get this attention? Did I
get this look? Did I gettheir number? Like m yeah, I
had a friend and it was whenI was singlea and like every guy that
(26:19):
came up to us, like shehad to be the one getting attention from
that guy. And I'm not eventhe type of person that really cares,
but it was just like I wouldfeel the energy of her being like you
know, no, like this isI controlled the situation right now, and
it would just put me off somuch like why you know, yeah,
I mean I feel like the sameabout that girl was mentioning like where I
(26:41):
felt like she was almost competing withyou for like the energy in the room,
and like she just kept making apoint to be like, well he
was looking at me or like oh, well, guys love this about me.
And it's like that's great, butlike I'd love to know, like
what you do in your free time, like you love about you babe,
Yeah I want to know, Likethat's great, but like I don't know
more about you than that, andyeah yeah, And it just gave very
(27:03):
like competitive and it was like it'sokay that you both can be really beautiful
and the guys can look at youboth and like that's great, but like
you alone without the men are great, Yeah, one hundred percent. It
just it can be all consuming,I think for some people. And I
do feel bad because I'm sure that'snot a nice feeling for them too,
to feel kind of empty that theyneed to have their validation be from yeah
(27:27):
boys. And it's like you said, we really don't need to be given
the boys that much credit, likeno, oh gosh, no, no,
no no. It's kind of alongthose same lines though, like a
red flag with a friend who wantsto humble you or like be the person
who grounds you, and like itgives you the reality check, and I'm
just like I don't need that,like let me be a dreamer, let
(27:49):
me you know, and like Idon't know, I just feel like it's
very I don't even know how toexplain it. Like it's not jealous,
but it's like, why do youneed to put me and my aspirations down?
Yeah, Like you were saying ifyou went to someone and you were
like, oh, I really wantto move here, it would give me
(28:11):
such such great opportunities. And thenthey were like, well you really shouldn't
do that because you have this goingon and it's more responsible to stay here,
and you're like, okay, yeah. Like the friend I remember,
like the exact conversation I had withan old friend was like, oh,
I want to move to LA Likewe're trying to figure it out, we're
trying to make plans, and shewas like are you sure, Like that's
a good idea, Like you havedebt, you have this other stuff and
(28:33):
like wanted to give me the realitycheck and I was like, well yeah,
I'm like and like it's for one, it almost feels patronizing because I'm
like, do you not think thatI am aware of my own circumstances,
and I haven't like considered that,like I wasn't just gonna up and leave.
Yeah, And then to also,I remember shem and said like,
oh, I just want to beyou know, like the Devil's advocate or
like, you know, be realistic. And it's like thanks, but like
(28:55):
I don't need you to do thatfor me, like you can just cheer
me on, like and I wastelling you this too. It's one thing
to say that to someone who isacting mad constantly, you know what I
mean, someone who's just bound,Like if your friend comes to you and
they're like, I want to dothis other mad thing and they have like
just made ten wild decisions that mightnot have worked out in their favor yea,
(29:18):
and things are kind of like notgoing well for them. It's one
thing to say like, hey,okay, like let's consider like I support
you, but maybe we go thisroute instead, because I could see my
best friend doing that to me,Dylan, But you are so calculated,
you are so like on your stuff. So I feel like for someone to
(29:41):
say that to you, I'm like, that's really weird. Yeah, I
just I feel like I don't needmy friend to give me like a blind
support, Like I'm not saying likeif I'm about to jump off a cliff,
be like you can do it,yeah, but don't like try to
like downplay my dreams and like mygoals. Like if I'm saying I want
to work towards something like, cheerme on, be supportive, like don't
(30:03):
try to like bring it back toun and think small. And like I
think that was the biggest thing waslike I realized like we were just very
different people and like it just I'ma big dreamer and I want to be
surrounded by people who think big andI have aspire to do big things.
And it's like if you're the friendthat's immediately like, oh, well that's
really hard, and it's like,well I can do hard things, Like
yeah, why are you doubting me? Yeah? It does feel like doubt.
(30:26):
It's like, okay, so youdon't believe in me, and it's
and I know it's a projection,but it is kind of like excuse me,
like let me be like, don'tput your insecurities on me and my
big dreams. Yeah, exactly,keep that energy over there. Like if
you want to play safe in yourlife, more power to you. Yeah,
it's all a freaking what is this? We're in the matrix anyways,
(30:49):
it doesn't matter, but I'm personallytrying to like beat the levels over here.
Okay, so cheer me on.You know, what does it matter?
Yeah? Yeah, that I feellike I haven't dealt with that too
much, but there has been somethings I been like excuse me, oh
I am Yeah, And I personally, like truly feel that we can as
(31:11):
individuals like accomplish absolutely anything if we'rewilling to put in the work and like
all of that, and like Idon't want people around me who are trying
to like be realistic and be practical. It's like I can do anything.
Yeah, And like if you don'tbelieve in me, then like get out
of my way. Yeah no,And I think it does come back.
(31:33):
I feel like a lot of ourpoints come back to almost like that competition
kind of mindset, because like whydon't you believe in me? Yeah,
why don't you think I can?You know? And like you said,
it's just projection yea where they don'tthink that they could do something like that,
so then they think no one elsecan either. Yeah. Yeah,
And everyone has their own self beliefsand all of that. But I think
(31:55):
it's having that self awareness of like, Okay, you are projecting, like
if you don't think you can,it's fine, but like you can support
me or like whatever. But Ithink it just all kind of comes down
to like surrounding yourself with people whoare a positive force in your life and
a positive energy and that are justconstantly cheering you on to making you feel
good. I think all of thesethings that we've said are just things that
(32:16):
like they don't make you feel good, and it's like, why would be
with somebody who doesn't make you feelgood? Yeah, that's such a good
point. All of the things wesaid have kind of just come background to
like, Okay, the synergy isnot making me, yeah, feel good,
and it's not I hate to feellike we're like talking shit. Yeah,
but haters, fucking haters, Likepeople do this, this, this
(32:37):
and this and this wrong and we'reperfect. No, but I'm sure someone's
felt this way about us at somepoint too, you know, Like,
and we know that we don't movemaliciously, and I know half the people
that I've like clocked weird things onor had red flags about it's all projection.
It's not necessarily them being malicious orthem out to get me or anything
(33:00):
like that. They've just maybe gonethrough things in their life, like from
our last example, where they feellike they can't do hard things or like
they've had a major failure, andit's put them in that mindset to play
it safe, be smart, andso then it comes off on you and
I think it's just being self aware. And then like we obviously have like
these definitive like things we've seen orexperienced, but that's made us more aware
(33:24):
of like, oh, I wouldnever want to make someone else feel that
way now, and so like youknow, we're sure to be supportive,
we're sure to like not be competitiveand stuff like that because we've already been
like been on the other end ofit. Yeah, definitely. My next
one is major red flag for meis borrowing to the point of stealing,
(33:45):
because that has been a common themein relationships of mine. And honestly,
it's a lot of it is myfault because I am just like, yeah,
I use whatever. It's not becauseI feel like people should ask yeah
in the first place. Yeah,it's true, it's true. I think
I'm I want people to borrow mythings, like I want to. I
(34:07):
love that sisterhood. I love havingpeople like experience like my nice things that
I buy and I'm I'm like yesplease, like yeah, take an ever
everything shower with all of my stuffwhere I shot out to the club like
here's some perfume, like you knowwhat I mean. I love that bonding
and sisterhood, But when it comesto the point of entitlement over it,
(34:30):
it's where I'm like really treated likeit's their own now, yeah exactly,
and it's not a yeah, andthen not asking and then not returning it
properly or and it's like it's justa respect part of it where it's like
I just don't like that. Idon't like that. I don't know if
it's like some deep down thing aboutme being very like close to my things,
(34:53):
but like I want to share mythings and I want you to also
be grateful for it and respect it, and then by versa like I would
love to use your stuff, butof course, like I want to be
as respectful as possible about all ofthat and take care of it, you
know. Yeah, And I thinkyou've personally, like you've specifically had circumstances
where somebody will ask once to borrowsomething, and then they just kind of
(35:15):
helped themselves the next time, andthen all of a sudden it's theirs,
and then you're kind of in thisawkward situation where it's like, oh,
can I have that back? Andlike you shouldn't have to ask for your
own stuff back, like it's yours. And I feel like, sure,
like you could speak up, butlike you shouldn't even be put in that
position in the first place, tohave to retrieve your own things. And
I feel like me and you arelike complete opposites in that way, because
(35:36):
like I'm the younger sibling and Ionly have a brother, so I've never
had to share my stuff. Yeah, and I'm just not like a very
I'm not a very sharing person.I'm very giving, but I'm like and
so I don't like to share.Like I'm also very like germophobi, So
I feel like when it's like makeupand stuff, I'm like, don't want
to share some of that. Andand I've just never really had to share
(36:00):
with anyone, Like I've always beenthe younger girl and I've had my own
stuff, and so I feel likeI'm really mindful of asking people like,
oh, could I borrow this,or could I borrow this? I feel
like you never ask to borrow anythingfor me, Like I, no,
you don't do that either. IllI don't like asking in general for things
like I feel like I'm taking andthen I also make a point to like
(36:22):
repay where it's like if I eatyour last banana, like I'm buying any
more bananas? Oh my god,the drama. But do you ever notice
like I'll ask like, oh,could I borrow this Q tip? And
it's like I never wanted to belike I'm having one. It's like,
oh, I can be a littlebit like that, but it's like here's
(36:42):
the flaw, Like here's the Qtips? Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, like you asked to you. I think last time you're over,
you asked to use in my toothpasteand I was like, shut up,
you don't take something just like alittle bit. It's like, yeah,
realized use your toothpietes every time youcome over. I don't know, I'm
just like I feel like I've neverhad to share, and like I think
I told you, just like withthe coffee thing, how like you used
(37:05):
to always just kind and take asip of my coffee. Yeah, and
at first I was kind of like, that's fine, stopped drinking. Yeah,
every time let get coffees. WhenI lived in LA I would always
just like grab it and take asip. And I wasn't don't get me
wrong, I wasn't like chugging hercoffee. I would literally coffee. Yeah,
but I've just never had the sharecut. It's kind of like,
(37:27):
excuse me. I'm also very protectivewith my coffee. Yeah, it's giving
addict. Yeah, it's the coffeespecifically. It's not take anything else like
that was gonna give me like apoint I need of a caffeine high.
Okay, literally, like but nowI'm going to be low on energy.
Yeah. I've definitely had a lotof people and I think it is one
(37:52):
of those things where they do seehow giving I am and how I do
want because I genuinely do want togive in that way, Like it's fun
for me, but it's not funwhen it doesn't get treated popularly or like
I don't get my stuff back.Yeah, that's not fun and it is
awkward when you have to then turnaround be like okay, well you can't
borrow this anymore. It's like we'readults. You shouldn't have to, yeah,
be like okay, can I havemy stuff back? Yeah? And
(38:14):
there's a level to it, likeif it's you know here there, like
you know, it's equal, we'reboth kind of borrowing. But if it's
just like every single day, likecan I wear this? Can I wear
this? Can wear this? KindI wear this? And I'm over you're
wearing my stuff every day? It'slike, girl, if you don't go
shopping, you don't go shopping.Right now, let's go to Ross,
Come on, let's go bitch.Yeah. Well yeah, I feel like
(38:37):
that's pretty much everything. Yeah,anymore now that everyone knows we're haters,
No, I mean this was kindof a negative yeah topic anyways, but
it's yes, it does feel negative. But I do feel like we've grown
so much and like we're able tofilter people and like find alignment better now,
(38:57):
Like when we meet someone, we'reable to see much quicker, like
oh, like they aren't going tomake me feel really good, or like
oh this person is you know,gonna make me feel really good, and
like I'd love to spend more timewith them because they didn't have these things
or whatever. So I feel likeas two people who are super people,
pleasing, super giving, Like we'vebeen able to like filter it a lot
better and not just get taken advantageof, but also not like start a
(39:19):
friendship and be like, oh,this doesn't feel good. Yeah, because
at the end of the day,if you can nip it in the bud
quick, then you save yourself allof that heartbreak that will come from,
you know, getting super close ina sisterhood with someone and then having to
call it off later because it's gettingtoxic or whatever. Yeah, So I
feel like it's really important to beable to notice the things that are gonna
(39:44):
like manifest so all in all,hang out with people who are healed in
self aware, yeah, at leastto a certain level that it's not going
to negatively affect you. Yeah,and not that any of these people who
have done these things and are likehave malicious intent or are bad people,
and like we of course have ourown flaws, and I'm sure we have
had our own negative effects on peoplewho aren't aligned with us as well.
(40:07):
Definitely, But I think it's justbeing able to recognize like what you how
you want to be treated, andthen finding people who make you feel that
way and have that same level ofmutual respect as a friend. Yeah,
of course, because I mean Ithink the people that you surround yourself with
are just it's so important. Ifeel like it's one of the most important
(40:28):
things in life in general. Yeah, you are the average of the five
people you surround yourself with. It'sso true. So who do you want
to be like? And it's notjust like success or anything like that,
of course, that plays apart character. It's character. Yeah. I want
people who keep me in mine anddon't leave me down a bad path or
yeah, anything like that. Soyou are is it you are for you
hang out with? Yes, that'sright, they bed. Thanks for listening
(40:58):
to the Hot Girls Cry Podcast.If you've enjoyed this episode, show some
love and support with a rating review, or keep the conversation going over on
our socials t T y L
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shaya, I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hot Girls
(00:21):
Cry Podcast. Hey everyone, welcomeback to another episode of the Hawk Girls
Cry Podcast. Welcome back, welcomeback. We are excited for today's episode.
(00:47):
It's a juicy one because we're talkingabout friendship red flags because we have
all seen them, we've all hadthem. Yeah, we're just gonna share
ours. But first, the firstgratitudes are you grateful for today? I
am grateful for change. I feellike I'm in a change era, my
(01:10):
change era, a lot of shiftingin my life, and I think it's
all for the best, and evenif it doesn't feel that way at first,
I know it's going to work outthat way. So yeah, I'm
just grateful for change. And asa Scorpio, I just love change in
journal I love the feeling of anew star and things like moving around and
all of that. It gets myjournaline pumping, you know. So,
(01:34):
yeah, I'm grateful for change.What are you grateful for? I'm grateful
for things kind of coming together.I feel like I've been going through like
a really stressful period with work,and I think the old me would have
been really anxious and stressed. AndI feel like after a lot of therapy
and just a lot of growth,I've kind of come to terms with like
(01:55):
it'll just work out and I letit, you know, be what it
was, and it did all workout, and so I'm just grateful that
it worked out, but also justgrateful for this new piece that I love
because it used to be real chaoticup in here. No, that's so
true that you'll have whenever a shiphits the fan, you know, it's
gonna all level back out and everything'sgonna be fine. So and now I
(02:21):
know that I feel like I usedto be like what do I need to
do immediately to fix it? Andyeah, I'm like able to accept like,
Okay, like it's gonna be fine, and we've been in worse places
before and we'll get through it andit will be what it is. Yeah,
And things are always gonna have apoint to where they hit the fan.
And it just gives you a roomto grow because if, like when
you are at a low point,it always ends up getting better than it
(02:44):
even once before that point, youknow what I mean. Yeah, and
then I always learned how to dealwith it, and like that's why I
feel like I handled things so muchbetter now. Is like it's all situations
we've been in, I've learned fromthem, and so now it's like,
Okay, well I know that thiswill be fine and I just need to
deal with it. And like thatjust comes with running a business because a
lot of it has just been workshit. Yeah part of yo, thanks growth
(03:07):
hashtag growth. Love that. Solet's dive in to our friendship red flags.
Oh this is such a good topicbecause it's I mean, everyone goes
through the process and making friends.And one of my things is that I
always feel like is I feel likeI started meeting really weird ass bitches after
(03:30):
high school, Like high school,and no one I met was I mean,
of course I met people who moveda little funny, but I feel
like whenever you're in a high schoolsetting, you can really assess people,
and like you know people through otherpeople, so you can kind of like
sit back and look at other peopleand see how they are and then decide
if you want to partake. Butin adulthood it's a little differently because people
(03:53):
are just randomly popping into your life. Yeah, like they're coming from any
sort of background, any sort offamily life. Like with high school,
I feel like we have a generalidea, yes, and like a person
is about yeah, but like whenit is a completely new person as an
adult, it's like, so,where where are we meeting at? Like,
yeah, where are you on thecrazy spectrum? Like control not crazy
(04:15):
at all, or like fucking batshit. Yeah. And I feel like
we've both as adults had a lotof experience with like trying to make girlfriends,
like as adults, and we've bothexperienced it ourselves, but also seeing
each other meet someone and be likewe're both just always see the best in
people. We're also people pleasers arealso very nurturing and giving. And now
I feel like we're able to sitback and be like, oh, we
(04:36):
learned from that one girl that thatwas a red flag, and now we're
seeing it again. Yeah. WheneverI was fresh in my twenties, I
just took on literally any friend whowanted to be my friend. I've always
been that type of person, justlike you want to be more friend,
like come on, let's go,let's party. But I think that really
started to bite me and ask becauseme and people were not aligned and people
(05:00):
didn't have the best intentions sometimes.And now I'm the polar opposite where I
really have to sit back and assessand like, you can say one thing
out of line and I'll bet gottago like red flags going off everywhere,
and I've just I feel like I'vereached the point. Obviously there's probably going
to be someone in the future thatI meet and I think we're aligned,
(05:21):
but we're not. But I feellike now I'm just so much more cautious.
Yeah, like we can filter itbetter. Yes, yeah, we
know what to look out for.So I feel like that is one of
my first things is just avice sinceany weirdness, like any weird comment.
I don't give people to benefit ofthe doubt anymore, because that's something I
used to do so much, likeoh, I know she didn't mean it
(05:43):
like that, or like, yeah, I think we both used to see
it as like, well, Iwouldn't have done that, and it's not
like all these people are just maliciousand bad people and like everyone else but
us is horrible. But like it'sjust things that don't want align. People
are just projecting their own ship allthe time, Like we all come with
our stuff. Yeah, but yeah, if I hear like any sort of
just like comment about anything that I'mlike, that's a weird thing to say,
(06:09):
Like why would you say that?For example, I'll just use like
this little example, I'm that girlover the weekend and she was like,
your hair is orange and blonde,and I was like okay, But it
was just in the way that shesaid it, it was like it was
just like why would you say that? You know, what was the actual
purpose behind that? Are you tryingto put me down? Are you trying
(06:30):
to just be like that's an interestinghair color? Because it wasn't. She
wasn't saying it as compliment. Yeah, And I think that's a big part
of like red flags, and likethe growth that we both had is like
after experiencing bad friendships, we thencan afterwards recognize what the red flags were
like in hindsight. But now it'salso like raising our standards of like we
don't want friends who make us feela type of way, we don't want
(06:54):
friends who you're having to wonder likewhat was your intention? Like I want
a friend who I know is therefor me, has the best intentions for
me, exact would never mean tohurt me, and like, of course
there's guys really me and you havesaid something it's like wait, that's not
how I meant it, or likedon't take it this way, and like
that happens, but like I knowthrough and through like you would never try
to offend me. But it's likeif you're questioning that, then that person,
(07:16):
especially off the bat too. Wheneversomeone is really trying to put their
best first impression, best foot forward, and you're already getting those signals,
that's like alarm bells are going offand they're already kind of saying things that
are less than super nice to you. It's like whoa, yeah, okay,
let's reel it back in because obviously, when your friends like you,
(07:38):
you let your guard down a lot, and you might say something that offends
your friend unknowingly, and of coursethat's gonna happen. That's gonna happen with
your parents, with your partner,with anyone in your life. But definitely
when it's from someone you're trying toform a connection with. Off of that,
it's a little bit like something tobe noted. Yeah, And to
add to that, I feel likeif anything comes from like a threatened or
(08:00):
petitive energy, Like I'm a competitiveperson, but I would never want to
put somebody down to make myself feelbetter. And like we had that situation
where we met like a friend ofa friend and we all went out and
I felt like this girl was likedirectly competing with you, and I felt
like she was trying to make apoint to make sure that we knew how
(08:22):
cool she was. And it's likewe can all be cool, like in
like for me to see her actingthat way with you, I was kind
of like ill, Like y'all canboth shine. Like that's the thing that's
weird, I feel like. AndI I feel like a lot of women
struggle to let other women shine withoutbeing threatened by it. And it's like
(08:46):
that's so hard for me because I'min a motherfucking shine Okay, they about
it. One thing about that thingcan dule my sparkle not on period,
and that's on period, but it'slike I can sense it immediately and it's
so hard for me to come toterms with because it's like, I I'm
not perfect, but that's one thingI would never do. Like I want
(09:09):
my friends to be the absolute bestthat they can be. Like it's so
inspiring to me when I see myfriend in their moment and their thing like
going off or just doing being likethat should be happy for your friends,
Yeah, a hundred percent. ButI think for some reason, I'm sure
it has something to do with apatriarchy or misogyny or yeah, I mean
there's something. I think we're taughtthat, like there's only room for so
(09:31):
many of us. Yeah, andit comes from a scarcity mindset, like,
oh, this person is doing sogood, like I must be shit.
And it's like no, you're likewe can both. Yeah, you're
your own flower, bloom over there, bloom over here, and we'll just
hype each other up. It's fine. Yeah, And I think, like,
just to add to that one,it's like somebody who even jokingly tries
(09:52):
to put you down as a senseof humor to make themselves seem better.
And like I feel like I hada friend who told me like she went
out on like with a group ofguys and her friend kept making jokes and
like putting her down, and shewas like the butt of all the jokes,
and like, I don't know,like I just I'm very sensitive and
like I'm not like a teasing kindof person, Like I don't want to
(10:13):
tease where like it's mean, LikeI don't think that's funny. Yeah,
And so I feel like if somebodymakes you the butt of their jokes in
front of especially if it's like undercertains or certain circumstances, that's a red
flag. It's like, oh,like you only feel good and confident because
you're putting me down. Like,yeah, it's icky, it's very picked
(10:33):
me, especially if it's in frontof Blaze guys. But I feel like
you can always like energy doesn't lie, and you know when it's kind of
to try to put you down orput you and that's just moral of the
story. Only be with people oronly be around people who lift you up
make you feel good. Yeah,yeah, you can just feel the energy.
(10:54):
I had. I had an exbest friend once who I Okay,
this is kind of a crazy,but I knew this guy was a fuck
boy, right, So I paida girl to message him like this hot
girl on Instagram. I paid thisgirl to message him on Instagram and me
and her were kind of friends withhim and all of his friend groups.
So his friend group came over andimmediately as soon as they came over,
(11:18):
she was like, oh my god, Shania paid this girl to message Oh
what's his face? And I waslike okay, like that's that's kind of
a secret for a reason. Butlike it was just like immediate, like
why are you saying that? Yeah, it's almost like using your story as
the drama. Yes, yeah,yeah, it's like you're not like the
(11:39):
entertainment piece. Like no, it'slike what is your intentions behind that?
It's like to get everyone to belike what, she's crazy? Like,
you know, it's just I don'tknow if I don't like that. Yeah,
it's a break of trust for sure. We feel like we both are
a target for this. But whensomebody becomes your friend in their moment of
crisis, oh yeah, yeah,like it happens, everyone goes through their
(12:01):
ship, of course, But Ithink the biggest one for me is if
somebody is clinging to you and likelove bombs you and comes onto the friendship
full speed in their moment of crisis, and it's somebody you're just now meeting.
It's like, why if you're inthis crisis, like let's say you're
(12:22):
went through a breakup and you lostyour job or you're looking for a place
to live, and we just becamefriends, why am I the go to
person that you feel comfortable coming toin your place of need when we've just
met Like that would be which itwasn't at the time because I did it
all and catered to them. ButI feel like if I were in a
(12:43):
moment like that, I have youas my best friend, but like if
I had just met someone, Iwouldn't be going to and being like,
hey, like I need a placeto live. Like I get it should
happens, and like people need help, and like should be able come for
asking for help, but like ithopefully they have somebody closer to them.
Yeah, it's giving manic. Yeah, it's giving, very manic. And
even before we became friends, youwould have leaned on your parents, and
(13:07):
you would have leaned on your husband, you would have leaned on all of
these closer people in your life.But I feel like, I don't know,
it's just it gives me a manicvibe, and I think people like
that are often in a cycle ofjust like these everything is like this major
thing and they're constantly always like needingyou and needing you, and it's almost
(13:28):
like they thrive off of the dramaand the chaos. Yes, which is
not fair to anyone around them becausethey have to keep trying to bring them
up out of that. And it'sit's almost like an attention thing to me,
honestly. Yeah, And I feellike if you're not that close with
them, but you're the closest personthat they can come to for help,
Yeah, that's a red flag.And it's like, why am I as
(13:52):
somebody who's not even that close withyou? Your go too? And that
shows me like you don't have otherpeople to rely on, Like why is
that? You know? Yeah,because you've probably she's there, she's in
that or they're in that cycle wherethey've probably done that to the people closest
to them a lot. So you'rethe newest kind of person that's come along.
And yeah, And I think that'sbeen hard for both of us because
we both had to kind of recognizelike as super giving people when you'd just
(14:16):
be aware of like under what circumstancesare we giving who are we giving to,
Like we can help each other outall day along because we have that
level of friendship now. But it'slike when you're meeting someone day one and
the next day you're helping them geta job, helping them to find a
house and helping them with their kidsor giving them money or like whatever.
It's kind of like, wait aminute, we just met. Yeah.
I started being friends with a girlonce who was going through like a breakup
(14:41):
and she was with a guy forthree years. And don't get me wrong,
I still love this girl. Istill think she's an amazing person,
but I think like her life wasjust under so much transformation and it was
almost like every time we hung out, it was like just that was like
the thing we were talking about,and it was like me almost being her
therapist, and like, it's hardto start your relationship off like that because
(15:05):
super one sided. Yeah, it'ssuper one sided. And at the time,
of course, I'm just like,you know, she's going through this
and I want to be there forher. And it sucks that we started
our friendship right now, but likeI want to be there for her through
that. But it just kind oflike all consumed our relationship for two months
and we ended up not being likesuper close for different reasons. But I
(15:28):
think it's just it's hard to startyour relationship off like that too, because
it's like, okay, so becauseyou don't really get to build a foundation
of like give and take. It'svery much like we're in at the deep
end. I'm helping you and nowwe're friends, and yeah, it's like
that's not really fair for one andthe person. And I think there's a
level to it. Of course,you can come and bring your problems to
a new person in your life,but if it's one of those things where
(15:52):
it's just you can feel it whereit's just like this is life or death
and I'm like in the trenches typeof thing, you know what I mean.
And I think it's that type ofsuper like desperate energy. Yeah yeah,
And I'm almoso like maybe this isjust me being judgmental, but I
also feel like I wouldn't be comfortabletaking from someone that I didn't know that
(16:14):
well. Like I get it peoplein minds, but like for you to
be so comfortable to come and takefrom me when we're not even that close,
I'm kind of like, oh,like you had no problem just living
on my couch, eating my food, driving my car, And it's like,
but why was that so easy foryou just to take it? Like
I would feel so uncomfortable even withyou, so of like I would hate
It's like it's really hard for meto ask for help, so like maybe
(16:36):
that's a big part of it,but it's just like, why is it
so easy for you to take fromme when we just met? Actually,
yeah, when we just met,when we're in that stage of just getting
to know each other and stuff likethat, I would feel so uncomfortable just
dumping on someone else, whether thatbe emotionally or actually asking for physical things
that they need to be met andstuff like that. That would be so
(16:56):
weird. Yeah, And I feellike that brings me to kind of my
other red flag, which is peoplewho don't ask about how you're doing,
and it's constantly just kind of likethem the whole time. And I feel
like that's a common theme in mylife because I don't love to talk about
myself, So it means a lotto me when someone really is like,
(17:18):
Okay, well how are you doinghere and they kind of bring me into
the conversation. I'm like oh,you do care, but it's just the
intention yes, yes, like howare you doing? Just? I mean
I feel like that's so basic.Yeah, it's crazy how many people that
have came into my life that haven't. Yeah, And I think that social
(17:40):
media plays a big part of itbecause as people who share a lot of
what we do on social media,I think there's people who just assume like,
oh, well, you're obviously doingwell, Like I saw that you
went to the gym this morning.I saw that you did this, And
it's like, I think it's justhaving that awareness of we're not going to
put ourselves crying on. I meansometimes but it's like social media isn't real
and it's like yeah, I canshow that I did this and that and
(18:02):
have these accomplishments or whatever on socialmedia, but like as a real person
and a real friend, like it'sstill like it's still your responsibility to care
and to be like hey, likebut how are you doing? You know?
Yeah? Would you have for breakfast? Like just anything, just showing
an interest in anything. Yeah,on a human level, that's going on,
Yeah, in your life. Ithink the thing that hurts me the
(18:22):
most with situations like that hurts myfeelings is like you just assumed I'm doing
fine, so then you didn't botherasking, But then you're coming to me
and like like you said, likethere, it's not double sided, Like
it's very much like what are yourproblems? And then they're just like,
oh, but you're fine, Likeyou're doing fine, and like I just
remember I had a friend who wouldalways be like she would check in with
me, but it was never areal check in. It was always like,
hey, like, hope you're doingwell. You obviously are. I've
(18:45):
seen it on social media and I'mjust like maybe I'm not, though,
yeah, and it's check in,Like what kind of question is that?
Yeah, it's the intention to hypeyou up. Yeah, but it's very
naive to think that it just dehumanizesyou. It's kind of dismissive because it's
kind of like we're obviously doing fine. Yeah anyways, yeah, yeah,
(19:07):
And it's almost giving jealousy a littlebit because it's like why else would you
not want to talk about me orknow what's actually going on. And it's
like if you think that my greatestmoments, my highlight reel is actually who
I am as a person, that'sjust it's nice. Yeah, it's like
let's yeah, it's just like carea little bit more than social media please,
(19:27):
Yeah, Like, let's be realhere. Do you show what's actually
going on in your life on socialmedia? No, even as an influencer,
there's just there's no actual way toshow everything, especially when it's happening
in real time. Yeah, andstuff like that, in real emotions that
you're having. It's just Instagram socialmedia in general. Half of most of
(19:47):
it is fake, so yeah,and it's slim pickings of like what's actually
going on, So it's like curatedand the real ones will actually be like
okay, but how are you orlike how did that go? Or whatever.
A big one for me is whenyou meet someone and or even just
a friend in general, and they'recomfortably talking shit about their other friends.
Yeah, because I'm like, theseare your friends, and I'm in that
(20:11):
category of like I'm also your friends, so like, are you just talking
shit about me? And it's likeit's one thing if you're having a pickle
or you're having a tiff and they'retalking about it, but it's the people
who like will talk shit about theirfriends and about who they are as people
and about like their character. Yeah, but then they're not doing anything to
distance themselves. And like when wetalked about this before, like you said,
(20:33):
like we kind of started our friendshipwhere you were in a position where
you were having a problem with yourfriends at the time, so much fucking
shit about life, but then youtook action in like, oh, yeah,
I was trying to get the fuckout of there. Yeah. Yeah,
And so I feel like that's different. It's like, but if you're
just going to continuously talk shit aboutyour friends and they continue to be friends
with them, I'm like, that'sfake. But you don't even like them,
Yeah, And then I started tothink, like, what do you
(20:56):
think about me? Like you're justtalking about me to them? Yeah,
it says something thing, Yeah,who you are? Because why would you
continue to hang out with people ifyou have so much shit to say about
you don't think they're good people,or if you like don't see the best
in them, or all these otherthings. And obviously, like you said,
like sometimes people can can just geton your nerves or like yeah,
something like that, But to reallycome after someone's character and also to like
(21:19):
for that to be a major consistentthing, you're like a talking point yeah,
like constantly. Yeah, yeah,definitely big red flags. And I
think it's also just like that relevel of respect, like you'll never catch
me talking bad about you to likeany of my friends, Like yeah,
if if we were going through something, I would talk to my husband,
who knows you, and like Idon't have other friends but only need me
(21:42):
anyway. Yeah, but I wouldnever, like I would never want to
give somebody else a bad impression ofmy best friend either, because of course
you are my best friend, andlike I don't want them to think like,
oh, she's friends with her,but she sucks. It's like why,
Like it's yeah, it's kind ofthe same thing with like your partner,
Like I don't want to talk aboutmy partner to like people at a
(22:02):
networking event, like I'll talk toyou because you know him in person and
you can objectively look at the situation. You can go to people that you
have that level of trust and thatcan give you actual advice if it's something
you know, because yeah, relationshipsare complicated and they're messy and they're sticky,
but if it's one thing where you'rejust blatantly like, oh, I
hate hate when this bitch does this, like blah blah blah blah, and
(22:23):
you're also creating like an impression ofthem. Like, you know my husband
and you know how what he's like. But if I'm talking about him to
some random person who's never met him, that's all they know about him.
Yeah, exactly, And like thatsucks, like that's not fair to him
when it's like I'm continuing to bemarried to him, and it's like,
well, she clearly doesn't hate himthat much. Yeah, no, I
get that completely. Actually, Ifeel like I've never really had someone come
(22:45):
into my life who did that.Yeah I did. And I was kind
of like it was a girl recently, and like she had two really what
appeared from the outside appeared to beher two closest friends, and she kind
of hit all the marks. Shecame to me a time of crisis,
and in that time of crisis,she came to me and then was repeatedly
talking shit about her two other bestfriends, which I was kind of like,
(23:08):
well, why aren't they helping youout of your two best friends?
But then she had all this shitto say about them, and I'm just
like, oh, so, likeyou obviously don't like these people, like
you should distance yourself from them,but then carried on being best friends with
them, And I'm like, Iwould hate to think that you had so
much bad stuff to say about me, but then carried on like we were
just great, And I'm like thatwould suck. Yeah. I feel like
sometimes people use it as a wayto get closer to other people too.
(23:33):
Again, let's take this back tolike putting other people down to be like
yeah, better. Yeah it's sogross, but it can be a little
manipulative to manipulative too, I thinkbecause they're trying to be like, oh,
you're so great, like these otherpeople suck type of thing. Yeah,
it is kind of love bombing ina way, like you're the only
one I can rely on because everyoneelse is just shit. Yeah. Well
yeah, I don't like it.Don't like that either. Okay, So
(23:59):
one major thing for me is boycraziness. Oh I just I can't ever
relate to giving that much of afuck about a boy. Like they're just
boys and attention from them is nothard to get. Like it's really not
like we are simple. We donot have to be obsessed about this.
Like I don't want to talk aboutit all the time. I don't want
(24:22):
that to be like our goal ofevery day, like look who messaged me?
What should I reply to this guy? Like look who's in my dms?
Like when we go out, likefighting for boys, attention, just
anything like that. It's just probablyI probably think that's probably one of my
major, like my biggest putoffs everis I'm like, I just to give
(24:45):
men that much control over me.Yeah, I just can't do it.
I cannot. And I think it'sjust like it's very surface level because it's
like you're finding validation in something else, and it's like I think it's just
meeting people who hold their themselves ina higher regard. And it's like,
I mean, attention is nice andlike course, but I think it's one
(25:06):
of those where like you gotta havea little I don't want to say that
they have to have more substance toyou because like that's really mean, but
it is just having things that matterto you more. Yeah, of course.
And it's just it does just tellme that you have you don't think
of yourself highly enough, do youknow what I mean? Because you need
that validation constantly and I know thatwhen it comes down to it, you
(25:29):
would put me down for that validationor you would like do weird things for
that validation, which I've seen playoutsso many times, which is also why
it just you know, it's it'snot my favorite. Yeah, I love
boys, I love a good peen, but I just I don't know,
I just don't think it's that interestingof a topic to talk about consistently.
(25:53):
I'll bring it up, for sure, we can talk about boys, like
let's go, but all the time, you know what I mean, when
someone's so consumed by boys and it'slike every day to day activity is like
that's being the focus of like welldid I get this attention? Did I
get this look? Did I gettheir number? Like m yeah, I
had a friend and it was whenI was singlea and like every guy that
(26:19):
came up to us, like shehad to be the one getting attention from
that guy. And I'm not eventhe type of person that really cares,
but it was just like I wouldfeel the energy of her being like you
know, no, like this isI controlled the situation right now, and
it would just put me off somuch like why you know, yeah,
I mean I feel like the sameabout that girl was mentioning like where I
(26:41):
felt like she was almost competing withyou for like the energy in the room,
and like she just kept making apoint to be like, well he
was looking at me or like oh, well, guys love this about me.
And it's like that's great, butlike I'd love to know, like
what you do in your free time, like you love about you babe,
Yeah I want to know, Likethat's great, but like I don't know
more about you than that, andyeah yeah, And it just gave very
(27:03):
like competitive and it was like it'sokay that you both can be really beautiful
and the guys can look at youboth and like that's great, but like
you alone without the men are great, Yeah, one hundred percent. It
just it can be all consuming,I think for some people. And I
do feel bad because I'm sure that'snot a nice feeling for them too,
to feel kind of empty that theyneed to have their validation be from yeah
(27:27):
boys. And it's like you said, we really don't need to be given
the boys that much credit, likeno, oh gosh, no, no,
no no. It's kind of alongthose same lines though, like a
red flag with a friend who wantsto humble you or like be the person
who grounds you, and like itgives you the reality check, and I'm
just like I don't need that,like let me be a dreamer, let
(27:49):
me you know, and like Idon't know, I just feel like it's
very I don't even know how toexplain it. Like it's not jealous,
but it's like, why do youneed to put me and my aspirations down?
Yeah, Like you were saying ifyou went to someone and you were
like, oh, I really wantto move here, it would give me
(28:11):
such such great opportunities. And thenthey were like, well you really shouldn't
do that because you have this goingon and it's more responsible to stay here,
and you're like, okay, yeah. Like the friend I remember,
like the exact conversation I had withan old friend was like, oh,
I want to move to LA Likewe're trying to figure it out, we're
trying to make plans, and shewas like are you sure, Like that's
a good idea, Like you havedebt, you have this other stuff and
(28:33):
like wanted to give me the realitycheck and I was like, well yeah,
I'm like and like it's for one, it almost feels patronizing because I'm
like, do you not think thatI am aware of my own circumstances,
and I haven't like considered that,like I wasn't just gonna up and leave.
Yeah, And then to also,I remember shem and said like,
oh, I just want to beyou know, like the Devil's advocate or
like, you know, be realistic. And it's like thanks, but like
(28:55):
I don't need you to do thatfor me, like you can just cheer
me on, like and I wastelling you this too. It's one thing
to say that to someone who isacting mad constantly, you know what I
mean, someone who's just bound,Like if your friend comes to you and
they're like, I want to dothis other mad thing and they have like
just made ten wild decisions that mightnot have worked out in their favor yea,
(29:18):
and things are kind of like notgoing well for them. It's one
thing to say like, hey,okay, like let's consider like I support
you, but maybe we go thisroute instead, because I could see my
best friend doing that to me,Dylan, But you are so calculated,
you are so like on your stuff. So I feel like for someone to
(29:41):
say that to you, I'm like, that's really weird. Yeah, I
just I feel like I don't needmy friend to give me like a blind
support, Like I'm not saying likeif I'm about to jump off a cliff,
be like you can do it,yeah, but don't like try to
like downplay my dreams and like mygoals. Like if I'm saying I want
to work towards something like, cheerme on, be supportive, like don't
(30:03):
try to like bring it back toun and think small. And like I
think that was the biggest thing waslike I realized like we were just very
different people and like it just I'ma big dreamer and I want to be
surrounded by people who think big andI have aspire to do big things.
And it's like if you're the friendthat's immediately like, oh, well that's
really hard, and it's like,well I can do hard things, Like
yeah, why are you doubting me? Yeah? It does feel like doubt.
(30:26):
It's like, okay, so youdon't believe in me, and it's
and I know it's a projection,but it is kind of like excuse me,
like let me be like, don'tput your insecurities on me and my
big dreams. Yeah, exactly,keep that energy over there. Like if
you want to play safe in yourlife, more power to you. Yeah,
it's all a freaking what is this? We're in the matrix anyways,
(30:49):
it doesn't matter, but I'm personallytrying to like beat the levels over here.
Okay, so cheer me on.You know, what does it matter?
Yeah? Yeah, that I feellike I haven't dealt with that too
much, but there has been somethings I been like excuse me, oh
I am Yeah, And I personally, like truly feel that we can as
(31:11):
individuals like accomplish absolutely anything if we'rewilling to put in the work and like
all of that, and like Idon't want people around me who are trying
to like be realistic and be practical. It's like I can do anything.
Yeah, And like if you don'tbelieve in me, then like get out
of my way. Yeah no,And I think it does come back.
(31:33):
I feel like a lot of ourpoints come back to almost like that competition
kind of mindset, because like whydon't you believe in me? Yeah,
why don't you think I can?You know? And like you said,
it's just projection yea where they don'tthink that they could do something like that,
so then they think no one elsecan either. Yeah. Yeah,
And everyone has their own self beliefsand all of that. But I think
(31:55):
it's having that self awareness of like, Okay, you are projecting, like
if you don't think you can,it's fine, but like you can support
me or like whatever. But Ithink it just all kind of comes down
to like surrounding yourself with people whoare a positive force in your life and
a positive energy and that are justconstantly cheering you on to making you feel
good. I think all of thesethings that we've said are just things that
(32:16):
like they don't make you feel good, and it's like, why would be
with somebody who doesn't make you feelgood? Yeah, that's such a good
point. All of the things wesaid have kind of just come background to
like, Okay, the synergy isnot making me, yeah, feel good,
and it's not I hate to feellike we're like talking shit. Yeah,
but haters, fucking haters, Likepeople do this, this, this
(32:37):
and this and this wrong and we'reperfect. No, but I'm sure someone's
felt this way about us at somepoint too, you know, Like,
and we know that we don't movemaliciously, and I know half the people
that I've like clocked weird things onor had red flags about it's all projection.
It's not necessarily them being malicious orthem out to get me or anything
(33:00):
like that. They've just maybe gonethrough things in their life, like from
our last example, where they feellike they can't do hard things or like
they've had a major failure, andit's put them in that mindset to play
it safe, be smart, andso then it comes off on you and
I think it's just being self aware. And then like we obviously have like
these definitive like things we've seen orexperienced, but that's made us more aware
(33:24):
of like, oh, I wouldnever want to make someone else feel that
way now, and so like youknow, we're sure to be supportive,
we're sure to like not be competitiveand stuff like that because we've already been
like been on the other end ofit. Yeah, definitely. My next
one is major red flag for meis borrowing to the point of stealing,
(33:45):
because that has been a common themein relationships of mine. And honestly,
it's a lot of it is myfault because I am just like, yeah,
I use whatever. It's not becauseI feel like people should ask yeah
in the first place. Yeah,it's true, it's true. I think
I'm I want people to borrow mythings, like I want to. I
(34:07):
love that sisterhood. I love havingpeople like experience like my nice things that
I buy and I'm I'm like yesplease, like yeah, take an ever
everything shower with all of my stuffwhere I shot out to the club like
here's some perfume, like you knowwhat I mean. I love that bonding
and sisterhood, But when it comesto the point of entitlement over it,
(34:30):
it's where I'm like really treated likeit's their own now, yeah exactly,
and it's not a yeah, andthen not asking and then not returning it
properly or and it's like it's justa respect part of it where it's like
I just don't like that. Idon't like that. I don't know if
it's like some deep down thing aboutme being very like close to my things,
(34:53):
but like I want to share mythings and I want you to also
be grateful for it and respect it, and then by versa like I would
love to use your stuff, butof course, like I want to be
as respectful as possible about all ofthat and take care of it, you
know. Yeah, And I thinkyou've personally, like you've specifically had circumstances
where somebody will ask once to borrowsomething, and then they just kind of
(35:15):
helped themselves the next time, andthen all of a sudden it's theirs,
and then you're kind of in thisawkward situation where it's like, oh,
can I have that back? Andlike you shouldn't have to ask for your
own stuff back, like it's yours. And I feel like, sure,
like you could speak up, butlike you shouldn't even be put in that
position in the first place, tohave to retrieve your own things. And
I feel like me and you arelike complete opposites in that way, because
(35:36):
like I'm the younger sibling and Ionly have a brother, so I've never
had to share my stuff. Yeah, and I'm just not like a very
I'm not a very sharing person.I'm very giving, but I'm like and
so I don't like to share.Like I'm also very like germophobi, So
I feel like when it's like makeupand stuff, I'm like, don't want
to share some of that. Andand I've just never really had to share
(36:00):
with anyone, Like I've always beenthe younger girl and I've had my own
stuff, and so I feel likeI'm really mindful of asking people like,
oh, could I borrow this,or could I borrow this? I feel
like you never ask to borrow anythingfor me, Like I, no,
you don't do that either. IllI don't like asking in general for things
like I feel like I'm taking andthen I also make a point to like
(36:22):
repay where it's like if I eatyour last banana, like I'm buying any
more bananas? Oh my god,the drama. But do you ever notice
like I'll ask like, oh,could I borrow this Q tip? And
it's like I never wanted to belike I'm having one. It's like,
oh, I can be a littlebit like that, but it's like here's
(36:42):
the flaw, Like here's the Qtips? Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, like you asked to you. I think last time you're over,
you asked to use in my toothpasteand I was like, shut up,
you don't take something just like alittle bit. It's like, yeah,
realized use your toothpietes every time youcome over. I don't know, I'm
just like I feel like I've neverhad to share, and like I think
I told you, just like withthe coffee thing, how like you used
(37:05):
to always just kind and take asip of my coffee. Yeah, and
at first I was kind of like, that's fine, stopped drinking. Yeah,
every time let get coffees. WhenI lived in LA I would always
just like grab it and take asip. And I wasn't don't get me
wrong, I wasn't like chugging hercoffee. I would literally coffee. Yeah,
but I've just never had the sharecut. It's kind of like,
(37:27):
excuse me. I'm also very protectivewith my coffee. Yeah, it's giving
addict. Yeah, it's the coffeespecifically. It's not take anything else like
that was gonna give me like apoint I need of a caffeine high.
Okay, literally, like but nowI'm going to be low on energy.
Yeah. I've definitely had a lotof people and I think it is one
(37:52):
of those things where they do seehow giving I am and how I do
want because I genuinely do want togive in that way, Like it's fun
for me, but it's not funwhen it doesn't get treated popularly or like
I don't get my stuff back.Yeah, that's not fun and it is
awkward when you have to then turnaround be like okay, well you can't
borrow this anymore. It's like we'readults. You shouldn't have to, yeah,
be like okay, can I havemy stuff back? Yeah? And
(38:14):
there's a level to it, likeif it's you know here there, like
you know, it's equal, we'reboth kind of borrowing. But if it's
just like every single day, likecan I wear this? Can I wear
this? Can wear this? KindI wear this? And I'm over you're
wearing my stuff every day? It'slike, girl, if you don't go
shopping, you don't go shopping.Right now, let's go to Ross,
Come on, let's go bitch.Yeah. Well yeah, I feel like
(38:37):
that's pretty much everything. Yeah,anymore now that everyone knows we're haters,
No, I mean this was kindof a negative yeah topic anyways, but
it's yes, it does feel negative. But I do feel like we've grown
so much and like we're able tofilter people and like find alignment better now,
(38:57):
Like when we meet someone, we'reable to see much quicker, like
oh, like they aren't going tomake me feel really good, or like
oh this person is you know,gonna make me feel really good, and
like I'd love to spend more timewith them because they didn't have these things
or whatever. So I feel likeas two people who are super people,
pleasing, super giving, Like we'vebeen able to like filter it a lot
better and not just get taken advantageof, but also not like start a
(39:19):
friendship and be like, oh,this doesn't feel good. Yeah, because
at the end of the day,if you can nip it in the bud
quick, then you save yourself allof that heartbreak that will come from,
you know, getting super close ina sisterhood with someone and then having to
call it off later because it's gettingtoxic or whatever. Yeah, So I
feel like it's really important to beable to notice the things that are gonna
(39:44):
like manifest so all in all,hang out with people who are healed in
self aware, yeah, at leastto a certain level that it's not going
to negatively affect you. Yeah,and not that any of these people who
have done these things and are likehave malicious intent or are bad people,
and like we of course have ourown flaws, and I'm sure we have
had our own negative effects on peoplewho aren't aligned with us as well.
(40:07):
Definitely, But I think it's justbeing able to recognize like what you how
you want to be treated, andthen finding people who make you feel that
way and have that same level ofmutual respect as a friend. Yeah,
of course, because I mean Ithink the people that you surround yourself with
are just it's so important. Ifeel like it's one of the most important
(40:28):
things in life in general. Yeah, you are the average of the five
people you surround yourself with. It'sso true. So who do you want
to be like? And it's notjust like success or anything like that,
of course, that plays apart character. It's character. Yeah. I want
people who keep me in mine anddon't leave me down a bad path or
yeah, anything like that. Soyou are is it you are for you
hang out with? Yes, that'sright, they bed. Thanks for listening
(40:58):
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