July 31, 2023 • 39 mins
In this episode, we share our own experiences with mental health and the best tools we have to help us manage.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shanya. I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness, tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hat
(00:20):
Girls Cry Podcast. Welcome back toanother episode of the Hawk Girls Cry Podcast.
(00:42):
Welcome back, Welcome back. Let'skick off with some of our gratitudes.
I am grateful for my animals becausethey are so sweet in a cuddle
meat at night. Oh that issweet. I'm gonna say that. I'm
for my husband, Okay, slangshout out Aden. He's been a sweet
(01:07):
boy and he's been working so hardat his new job and he's doing so
well. Oh don't you love whenthey're sweet? I know, he's just
really there's been a lot of sweetness. Oh. We played um paintball for
the first time. Well, wasit your first time too? Yeah,
I've never played. Me and valplayed played paintball. Did paintball? I
don't know. We participated in paintball. This past weekend. We participated in
(01:32):
the sports of paintballing, and we'veplayed with my boyfriend and her husband,
and it was so cute to likesee them so fun just like in the
zone, like doing their little boyactivities. It was cute. I saw
a TikTok or he sent me aTikTok that said when your girlfriends are introducing
their boyfriends and the boyfriends are like, hey man, what's up, And
(01:53):
the girls in the background are like, oh my god, look how cute
they are. Like let's go ona family vacation, Let's get pay coffee.
Oh my god, they're best friendAnd Aidan was like, this is
human Shania planning our lives together.No, seriously, we're like plotting for
them to have a bromance. We'rejust like pushing them together slowly. Yeah,
and we're like bringing up like,oh but you both love this,
like talk about it. I'm likeevery time Josh has anything about Ada and
(02:14):
I like textsm like, oh mygod. She said it was so cool.
Boys are so a little key,like they don't like initiate conversation together
when they have so much in common. Yeah, yeah, it's true.
They both like video games, theyboth like sports. You know. The
cliche is, yeah, them too, love a dad joke and they're cheesy,
but they do. They are.They are kind of the same type
(02:37):
of person like super silly, lovesports, loves like and that's the problem
is they're both really silly behind closeddoors, but then when we take them
out in public, they're both likereserves, yeah, cool and sophisticate.
Like like people always tell me they'relike, oh, your husband's so put
together and he just means business.I'm like, are you joking? You're
like this guy. I'm like,this guy never stops talking, never stops
(02:59):
messing around. I'm like, Imean business. I mean like, I'm
like, no messing around. You'relike, excuse me. You'd live with
them for a week and then youcan see shout out to the boys.
Yeah they're doing okay, they are, they are. But today's topic just
to dampen the mood. Yeah,yeah, we're diving into depression and anxiety
(03:21):
because this is a very close topicfor both of us and we should be
talked about more, and we justwant to share what our experiences have been
like. And we are obviously notprofessional doctors or therapists, but hopefully it
can just shine some light on itand normalize it and maybe just provide some
helpful insight for anybody out there.Just two people who have experience experiences with
(03:46):
these things, kind of sharing what'shelped us and our experiences. Yes,
but disclaimer, we are not medicalprofessionals. Yeah, take everything you know,
the great graind of fault, doyour own diligence, go to your
own therapists, all that, allthat good stuff. We are advocates,
huge advocates for therapy. Yeah,I still need to go. I really
(04:08):
I still need to go. It'sjust one of those things for someone with
ADHD, like I just never actuallyI have went to a therapist, and
I think that's kind of what Yeah, I think you have a little bit
of PTSD. Yeah, I justreally didn't like her, And I think
just the whole thought of goat.Not that I didn't, I didn't.
It's not that I didn't like heras a person. I just didn't enjoy
her. Yeah, I didn't enjoyher out of therapy. She seemed like
(04:30):
a cool person. But just athought of it's kind of like dating,
like you kind of have to goout there and find your person you click
with and who handles your delicate,deep inner trauma with the type of care
that is specific to you and howyou need it to be delivered. It's
just kind of like it's it's verydaunting task. That's what I was gonna
say. It is like dating.It is hard because you kind of have
(04:53):
to get like the small talk outof the way. Yeah, and you
kind of to see if you vibewith them, but then you're also paying
for your time. You kind ofwant to like get to the fixes and
you're like, Okay, let's diveinto like my dad's darkest secrets, and
then you kind of have to seelike and like, obviously they're professionals and
like, but you still want tobe receptive to what they're telling you.
And like, I've been to ahandful of therapists in my life, and
(05:14):
there was one that almost felt dismissiveand like, I'm sure she didn't mean
to Yeah, that's not my ladywas. Yeah, And so it's hard
because you have to find something youvibe with. And like, I'm just
so thankful for my therapist that I'vebeen going to. UM. I started
going to her during the pandemic,and I've been going to her consistently every
other week for three years. AndI don't know if you've all seen that
show The shrinknext Door with Will Ferrell, but I would do anything for Sarah.
(05:41):
I adore her. I know Ineed to go to her, but
I think it's just one of thosethings where I've just been crastinating it so
much for some reason. But Ireally do need to go to her because
she sounds so great. By theend of like two more years, I'm
gonna have your hair girl, yourlash girl, your nail girl, your
financial advisor. Like our lives arejust gonna We're just gonna orphine will become
one. But honestly, like Imean, if you are, even if
(06:04):
you're not struggling with mental health,therapy is huge. Like I truly believe
going to therapy is like going toa doctor, like you should go before
an issue arises. It's just ithelps you with anything and everything. It
can help you with communication, helpsyou manage your stress, like I mean,
I go to therapy for my marriage, and like we're not on the
(06:26):
verge of a divorce or anything.It's just really helps with communication and helps
you with like problem solving before aproblem even needs to arise. Yeah,
for sure. And it's just sogood and like having a third party be
able to like validate your feelings,give you an objective perspective, and just
knowing that you have like a professionalbecause obviously everyone vents to their friends and
talks to their family and friends.That's my form of therapy. As soon
(06:46):
as I even feel any type oflike way about something, I'm like,
do do do do do? Andthat's great, Like, it's so great
to have a support system, especiallysomeone who knows the people you're talking about.
Two. Yeah, but y'all arebiased. Yeah, and that's that
they and we're not professional, solike and we have our own we're not
biased and we have our own projectionsthat were kind of like there's been times
(07:08):
where like, I know, I'vejumped in on something you've said, and
then I'm like, oh, that'smy own trauma. I'm letting interfere with
my opinions. Yeah, definitely.It's I feel like, I love that
we're moving as a society and it'sbeen very i don't know, prioritized on
social media. It's kind of atrend now that everyone's going to therapy,
and I just think it's beautiful tosee that it's become so normalized. Yeah.
(07:31):
I love when something like actually beneficialfor people becomes trendy and I'm like,
I don't care that it's trendy,Like, let's go for it.
I feel like with so many peopleon social media now and so many people
in the space and talking, Ithink most things are moving in such a
positive direction because the second something iskind of bullshit, everyone chimes in.
They're like no, like no,And I think that's beautiful. Yeah.
(07:54):
I think gen Z plays a hugepart because gen Z's ready to heal.
They're like, we don't want yoursbaggage. Yeah, shout out gen Z.
Please save the planet, please please, I'm back for real. For
me, I always was very goodmentally up until the pandemic. I was
(08:15):
like I was almost I feel like, I don't know, blissfully ignorant in
my good mental health, Like Ididn't even know what kind of it felt
like to struggle with anxiety and depression. I've always just been very outgoing,
very happy person. And then Ihad a huge friendship breakup, which I
(08:35):
talked about in another podcast, andI was kind of isolated by that,
and then isolated by the pandemic andisolated by living alone all at once,
and then the only thing I reallyhad to connect with people was my phone,
which also can be so bad foryour mental health. So I think
all of that combined just kicked offso many things. And I remember the
first time I kind of realized thatI was having social anxiety was right when
(09:01):
the pandemic hit and I was arounda group of people and I just started
like shaking, and I was like, what is this, Like what is
going on? And I was like, Okay, I think these people are
just like scaring me right now.And then I realized I was having a
bit of social anxiety, which isso weird for me because I used to
be the type person that just lovedbeing around people and love like all of
that. But I think the pandemicdefinitely did a little number on me.
(09:24):
So do you think it's something youalways had that kind of came to the
service during then, or do youthink it's something that you kind of,
I guess, like acquired. Iwant to say it's something that kind of
happened to me due to all ofthe things going on kind of at the
same time. It was kind ofthe perfect storm. I'm sure I had
(09:45):
kind of underlying pre dissessors, y'allbless me. I'm always looking for words
on these podcasts. Pre dissessor.You know what I'm saying. Precursors,
precursors. I don't know what you'retrying to saying. Okay, y'all know
what I'm trying to say. I'mtrying to say I was predisposed, probably
because my mom struggles with so manymental health issues, and I think everyone
(10:07):
has like the ability to have anxietyabout something in them, Like, I
think that's a very natural human response, and I think we all have the
ability to get depressed in the rightin the perfect storm kind of circumstances.
I don't think anyone is just likepredisposed to just be happy all the time,
no matter what situation comes at them. But I definitely think it was
(10:28):
kind of drawn by all of thosethings. So it kind of was weird
because I never struggled with it before, and I'd always been very happy and
very motivated and just all of thosethings. And then it almost was worse
because I was like, what's wrongwith me? Yeah, Like, what
is going on? It sucks?I think I might not normal. The
awareness almost makes it worse. Yeah, because then you almost like feel it,
(10:54):
and then you're like, Okay,I feel it, but what do
I do now? When Like,but if you're in like that blissful ignorance,
it's almost like you're just living lifeand have no idea how you're functioning,
and you're just kind of like,whatever, this is normal. Do
you feel like once you've had anxietyand depression or once you've felt like that
for a bit, that does itever fully get heals or go away?
(11:20):
I think so, because I thinkfor me, I truly believe I've healed
my anxiety. Oh that's amazing,And I think now I had depression.
No, I didn't know I hadanxiety until the pandemic. Not because of
(11:41):
the pandemic, but during the pandemicwas also closer to when I started my
business and I started to network witha lot of other business owners. And
one of my friends, who wasa business owner, is also a therapist,
and she specializes in anxiety, perfectionismand a lot of those similar disorders
and shared a lot of stuff abouthigh functioning anxiety and a lot of the
content she shared, I'm like,you're calling me out like it identified so
(12:07):
closely with me and I remember messagingher being like, damn, like you're
describing me in my day to daylife, and she was like, yeah,
you probably have high functioning anxiety.Oh my god. You were literally
the poster child or were the posterchild for high functioning anxiety, I think,
and like I first met you,Yeah, Like I didn't really see
(12:30):
it like that because my whole lifeI've always been like type A overachieving perfectionist
and that's been like my quirky thingwhere it's like, haha, I just
talk a lot. Haha, I'mjust overachieving, Like that's just my quirky
Like that's just me. Yeah,and like I've never seen it as unhealthy.
And I when I started my business, that's when it started to become
(12:52):
really taxing and really debilitating for mymental health because I couldn't stop. Like
obviously, when I had jobs,I had people to lean on, I
had business, I had managers andcolleague, but when I started my business,
it was all on me. Andit wasn't just all on me because
I was building a business and hadit was also my livelihood and so that
(13:13):
took a big, tall lot.It was a lot. But I remember
she mentioned that and so then Istarted therapy and she was like, yeah,
it sounds like you have pretty severeanxiety. And that's when I started
to recognize, like, oh,that's what this is. So then I
would wake up and I was awareof the anxiety, like it was my
anxiety waking me up in the morning. Yeah. And then I also had
(13:37):
such an unhealthy lifestyle with like workingNonStop and like drinking coffee was like my
thing, and that obviously just expeditedall of it. And so I just
had really bad anxiety then. AndI like always knew like I was just
like a fast talker and I wasjust like a hop to it kind of
person. Yeah, you were onehundred miles an hour all the time,
Yeah, everywhere we went. Yeah, And like I looked back and I
(14:00):
can like now see that, LikeI don't even remember like conversations I had
because I wasn't even fully present becauseI was like one hundred miles per hour
thinking a million things, bulldozing throughconversations. Crazy because I don't even remember
conversations that I used to have,like when I look back on that time
period of my life, because Ifeel like I just bulldozed through them like
(14:22):
I was so high anxiety that itwas like I wasn't ever fully present because
I was just like thinking about amillion things that all the time, and
like it's kind of sad, butI'm also like I wasn't aware, and
now I look back and I'm justlike, it was just so obvious that
I wasn't okay that, Yeah,definitely, it's really crazy to see.
(14:45):
I think that's been one of thewildest evolutions of anyone I've ever seen,
is how you used to function withyour anxiety and how you do now,
because it really is just too totallydifferent people, Like there's no other way
to even like say it. Y'allare just really two different people. And
(15:09):
it's so inspiring because I just sawyou recognize it and work through it.
And that's one thing that I loveabout you is whenever you realize that you
need to fix something within yourself,let you go and do the work.
You're on the ball. And Ido think ignorance is bliss. Whenever you
don't realize that you have something,you're kind of just functioning, and then
(15:31):
it's kind of like a hard hitwhen you realize, Okay, wait,
I'm not healthy. My brain isn'thealthy. But then you really went into
the work and you got therapy andyou did all these other things. So
what is like the main thing iswhat is like the main thing that you
feel like helps you or a coupleof the main things that helps you transform
from being super high functioning anxiety tobe where you're at now. I feel
(15:54):
like therapy was one of the biggestones, Like I feel like that was
like ninety percent of the healing journeybecause I feel like it just talking through
the way I felt when I hadanxiety, because I would have like a
list of situations that had come tomy therapist with of like, Okay,
this is what's causing anxiety this week, and I would talk through like why
(16:15):
it made me feel that way,like what the feelings were. And I
think being able to talk through likeall these like feelings that were almost I
don't want to say they were likeimaginary, because they're not. But a
lot of anxiety comes from things thataren't happening. Yeah, Like I'm anticipating
the fifteen scenarios that could happen,but only one is going to yeah,
(16:37):
And so being able to work throughthat with my therapist and change the way
I handled and processed situations situations thattypically caused anxiety, like conflict, like
work issues, things like that,and being able to process it differently made
it such a huge difference. ButI also started to become aware of like
(17:00):
I knew that if I was goingto continue to run a business and that
was like the biggest cause of myanxiety, I knew that something had to
change. Yeah, like you neededto move the needle forward and getting it
healed or else there wouldn't be muchI wouldn't make it. Yeah, Yeah,
Like I knew I wouldn't make it. And it got to the point
where, like I was like peoplepleasing so badly. I was overworking myself
(17:23):
so much that like it was soincredibly unhealthy and I was starting to have
like really dark thoughts and like sooverwhelmed and like and I was like,
what's the point, Like, Yeah, why did I quit my comfortable,
salary benefits job to hate life?Yeah, exactly, Especially when you have
(17:44):
that much pressure on you to likeyou all, like you said, you
have all these other people's livelihood andall these things relying on you to make
this business work, in this businessrun. For you to be at that
level of anxiety it's super unhealthy.Yeah. And I think the other thing
that really helped and really kind ofmade me recognize all the growth that I
(18:07):
had was one of the last timesthat we went to England. We went
for about I think we went fororiginally four weeks, but we ended up
staying for six because I got COVIDlike two days before we're supposed to come
home. But when we had goneto England, every time we went to
England, I would still work fromEngland, but with the time difference,
I would work on a different schedule. And so with the time difference,
(18:30):
I was just available a bit later. And so I just was able to
recognize while they're like what I dofor a living is not that serious,
like social media, Like yes,it's important to me, and yes it's
valuable, and like yes I wantmy clients to be happy, but like
it's not that serious. Nothing shouldever be so serious to your life that
(18:51):
it impacts your mental health. Yeah, that much like, at the end
of the day, I really thinkyour mental health and your happiness comes before
money, It comes before all ofthese things that we think are such big
deals in our life. When atthe end of the day, you don't
need any of that for your mentalhealth to be good and for you to
be happy and all of these things. Like the happiest places in the world,
(19:12):
there are places that don't have likethese people who run these crazy businesses
and make these crazy amounts of money. It's like people who are surrounded by
people they love and eat good foodand get out in nature and all of
these other things. So I thinkwe Americans tend to prioritize things that aren't
necessarily good for our mental health.I think that backfires a lot. Yeah,
(19:36):
I think we're deeply ingrained in likehustle culture, and I think being
able to literally have an ocean betweenme and my work put in a perspective
like it's okay, like the emailcan wait, to the client can wait.
If we don't hit this deadline,no one's gonna die. Like sure
they might be mad, but likeit's fine, yeah, And like if
(19:56):
a client's unhappy, then like wecan fix it. And if they're still
in happy, then like that's theirproblem. So it just really put everything
into perspective from me. So Ifeel like coming home from that trip,
I had such a clean slate oflike now I know, like everyone can
wait, And I also considered likehow often I'm waiting on other people or
(20:17):
how often other people aren't thinking aboutme? Yeah, And I'm like,
why do I spend my whole dayso stressed about accommodating all the people and
being the person that does this andthat and like they're on time and this
and that. I'm like, noone else is this worried about it?
Like why I was stressing? Yeah, everyone's so caught up in their own
deal, their own thing that they'renot like focused on you and what you're
(20:41):
doing and what time you get itdone and all of like we kind of
think things like everyone's kind of evolvingaround us, and especially in your job
when so many people do depend onyou, I'm sure that's really hard.
Yeah, And I think like thatwas something that therapy helped me with too,
is like I always wanted to bethe person who was early. I
want to be the person who overdelivered. And it's like, but why,
like it was action yeah, andlike it wasn't for them, it
(21:02):
was for me. And it's likeI found a lot of validation in being
that person. And that's also nothealthy. Like I found and still find
a lot of validation in my achievementsversus my values and like who I am
as a person, and so Ihad to work on that a lot.
But I do feel like it almostfeels like I woke up one day and
(21:23):
like I just didn't have anxiety.And obviously that's not the case. Like
obviously it was years of like whatdo you call it, like chiseling away
at it, and then it kindof did dissolve. But it does feel
like I woke up one day andit was just gone. And I remember
having a session with my therapist beinglike my brain is so empty because there's
(21:45):
not all these anxious thoughts and patterns, and like I'm not going in circles
and I'm just able to send anemail and put my foot down and I'm
able to just tell this person noand it's not a whole twenty four hour
cycle, and like I just feltso empty that I almost had like an
identity crisis. Oh yeah, Iremember you did have an I dinner a
(22:06):
crisis. You were like who amI without? I mean, whenever that's
who you identify yourself as, I'msure it's like, Okay, who's this
new who's this new person? Yeah, I felt really empty, and like
that was really scary because then Ifelt really depressed because I was I didn't
feel That's when I started to recognize, like me being so anxious about like
(22:26):
checking my emails and getting to mywork got literally got me up in the
morning. So then I started tosleep in because I didn't feel that urgency,
and then I started to feel likecrowd because I was sleeping in,
And then I didn't feel this urgencyof like I've got to get to my
meeting, I gotta get to thegym, I gotta get to this and
like it. Then I genuinely startedto feel depressed. And my therapist even
(22:48):
said, like, I've probably alwayshad depression, which is hereditary, and
my mom's always felt a depression,but my anxiety symptoms masked that so much
because they kept me moving that nowI have time to think about it,
Yeah, I have time to sitdown and recognize it. Yeah. And
so now the depression is much moreapparent and the anxieties in there. And
I remember at first I was like, I'll take the anxiety back, like
(23:08):
this is so uncomfortable, yeah,and she was like no, like we
can cope with this too, justlike we did with the anxiety, and
I was like, like, whoam I? No, I really relate
to that what you said about likeyou probably always had it for me.
I think I like to distract myselfwith like big life changes whenever I start
to feel really depressed, I justlike, Okay, something needs to change.
(23:30):
Like I'm like over here, I'llbe happier in this city, I'll
be happier in this state. I'llbe happier. If I do this,
I'll be happier instead of like actuallysitting down and working through and like doing
things daily that will help combat thedepression. But I remember making a tweet
one time that was like happiness isa choice, and so many people were
(23:51):
like on my shit rightfully so becausethey were like, no, it's not,
but I genuinely would. That wascoming from like a good place.
I was like, choose to behappy even went But like I do think
there is an element to that that'strue, Like you can try to choose
to focus on the happy in someways, but a lot of times,
like if you're just in it,you're just in it, and no matter
how hard you try to choose tobe happy, it's just if your brain's
(24:15):
telling you something different that day,it's just probably not going to happen.
Yeah. I mean, I thinkwe aren't raised to see happiness and sadness
in that way because I did thesame thing. Like I had a friend
who I remember she told me likeshe would be so depressed that she wouldn't
even shower for days, and Iwas like, just get up and shower,
you weirdo. Like I was like, that's I was like, you
should just be meditating and like doingthis and that. I was like,
(24:37):
like just being snobbing, and shewas like, you don't get it.
And I was like, I mean, you don't get it. And now
I'm like, oh, I getit. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy,
especially with I think it's one ofthose things where you really don't realize
until you're in something. But Ithink with depression specifically, like you really,
even as impassing people like that,you really cannot empathize with it or
(24:57):
understand what someone's going until you actuallyhave been through it, because it does
for if you haven't really been init like that, you really just don't
see how someone's brain operates in aplace where it just is programmed to be
sad every day and just you know, not look for the good and things
and not be motivated and stuff likethat, where in such a totally different
(25:18):
mindset. Yeah, and that's onething I think I've really learned from therapy
and from being like friends with youand my husband, like with ADHD and
then depression and anxiety is like it'snot like, yes, I was able
to like heal my anxiety and likecope with it and do all these practices
and reprogram my brain and like suremedication probably would have been a much quicker
(25:40):
fix and like I would have beentotally open to that, and like I
was able to do it very naturally. And now I want antidepressants for the
depression because that was a very quickturn of events and that was really hard
to cope with. But I dothink like we don't see these like conditions
as like scientific, Like I thinkwe see them almost like as choices,
like you said, like choosing happiness, Like yeah, like like we should
(26:03):
choose happiness, woman, we can, we should always try to choose.
But at the same time, likeI remember with like ADHD, with my
husband, like it would really frustrateme because I'm like just try to remember,
like just try to make lists,but like it is genuinely how someone's
brain is programmed. It is likethe actual, like scientific way their brain
is designed. And it's not it'snot a matter of thinking, like it's
(26:27):
literally their genetic makeup. And that'sone thing like that was really hard for
me to swallow because I'm as acontrol freak. I wanted to be like
no, like I can change it, but it's like no, like that's
how someone is made, like andlike, yes, there's ways to fix
it, there's ways to cope withit and like get through it, but
like it's not. I think forme, it was really hard to accept
(26:48):
the anxiety and the depression because Iwas like, no, like I'm so
happy and I and I almost feltguilty because I was, yeah, you
do feel guilty because I'm like,who am I to be depressed? Like
in my life, you know,especially whenever you felt a feeling that's not
like that, which for me wasmy whole life. When I started feeling
like that, I felt guilty becauseI was like why am I? Like
why am I feeling this way?I shouldn't be feeling this way. I've
(27:11):
always been happy. I'm losing myself, Like there's just this whole other element
whenever you've been the type of personwho's not like that and you just feel
like you're never going to be ableto get back to who you were whenever
you didn't feel that. Yeah,And not to like diagnose you, but
like when you look at the childhoodthat you came from, like there's so
(27:32):
many elements that would cause anxiety andlike things like that, and it's like,
but then it's not always the reasonsomeone is the way they are.
And I think we oftentimes like almostgaslight ourselves because like with me and my
depression, I'm like, how dareI'd be depressed? Like I come from
a middle class family, I livedin the suburbs, I went to private
school. How dare I? Butit's like that has nothing to do that
(27:53):
has absolutely nothing to do with it, and we all I think it's I
think it's product of our environment andour genetic makeup, our daily habits,
who we have around us, themost recent trauma, and how we've internalized
it. Like there's so many elementsthat go into it besides just like what
(28:14):
was your childhood like growing up?Because my childhood was a shit show and
I was Gucci for a long time. Mentally, I was chilling. I
was termed to make it out ofthere. I was motivated all of that,
And I don't know if that wasit was probably just like me maybe
masking that by me like constantly makingthese big life changes throughout all my life.
Like I moved out when I wasseventeen and started hopping around ever since.
(28:37):
But I never really felt depression untilthe isolation part of it came in.
And now I'm still dealing with it, but I do feel like there's
been a lot of I feel like, finally this past year, I've at
least had breaks from it and hadperiods where I didn't feel it, and
that's been the part of it forme. That's just like, Okay,
(29:00):
this is something I'm always going todeal with because it always kind of creeps
back in a little bit here andthere, and you're like, is it
back am I Okay? Like no, don't do this. I was just
so good. But I really thinkthere's things that you can do to just
prep your brain to be able tohave the space to feel happier and give
(29:22):
it a break from like dopamine andyou know, do things that are just
really healthy for your brain. Soit has the possibility to have like a
happy day. What are some ofthe things that you do, because I
do feel like once you it's almostwe've talked about this where almost like once
you acknowledge it, it makes itspresence known. So I feel like that
can be part of it too.Is like maybe there were times in the
(29:45):
past where you've experienced it, youjust didn't quite know that you're experiencing it,
and but now like you know,and so it's like, you know,
yeah, for me, I alwaysstart to feel happier whenever I have
dopamine breaks. In Humerman talks aboutthis a lot on his podcast. I
would really definitely go listen to thatpodcast, you guys. It's so good.
(30:06):
And I feel like we kind ofindulge in social media in this way
that it has no negative effects onour mental health or anything like that.
But dopamine is so real, andwe get so much dopamine from our phones,
which can have which can suck allof the dopamine out of us,
so we can't feel it unless we'relike on our phones. And for me
just being it's really it's really reallyhard, especially because I do live alone,
(30:30):
and it's like I don't have anythingkind of taking my energy away.
I have to be very mindful ofjust being stoic or just in the moment
whenever I'm just eating or just youknow, savoring every moment instead of trying
to fill it with all of thismindless information that I can consume. And
I feel like we have a tendencyto write it off as work too,
(30:51):
But just being really mindful about thephone. I try not to get on
it in the morning, and thenI try to take like maybe like two
hours in the morning, and thenI try this is not every day all
Like a lot of days, Iend up getting on an all freaking day
and it's not good, and Idefinitely can tell a difference. And then
at night I try to stay offof it like three or four hours if
I can. That's the dream.My dream would be to be on social
(31:15):
media like five hours a day.And I feel like that is so crazy
to even say like five hours aday, But when you think about it,
that's like so much. But thenwhen you think about like how much
we're actually spending on it, it'slike so much more. Yeah, And
I think my average is like eighthours, but it's also like work yeah,
I mean I'm the same way.A lot of it is work,
but then there's a lot of timewhere I'm just you know, scrolling TikTok
(31:37):
while I'm eating and just doing allof these things that, Yeah, that's
a major thing for me is Ican really fill myself level out and start
to get my mind just back togetherwhenever I make sure I'm just mindful about
the phone time and all of that. I think. Another thing for me
is taking time to just do thingsthat make my brain feel really good,
(32:00):
like dancing or doing like an activitylike that that makes my brain work and
think and do something where I haveto really be in the moment and me
personally, I really like to readscience fiction fiction. I really like to
read fiction, so that kind ofgets my brain out of it and gets
my brain working in a really positiveway. So just making time for things
(32:22):
in your day, whether it belike working out or yoga or something like
that that really gives your brain abreak in a good way to still work
at the same time, but justhealthy things that you can do for your
brain and implementing those habits daily.For me, another thing that's really helped
is this is not going to befor everyone, but shrooms and microducing with
(32:45):
shrooms really really helped me. Ithink it really gave me a push in
such a good direction and kind ofjust allow me to like really open up
and put my ego aside and seejust the beauty in the world and how
much I did love my life andshoe Shroom's affects so many people differently,
so take that with a grain ofsalt. It's not going to be for
(33:06):
everyone, listen to your gut.Might not be for you, but for
me, whenever I was microdocing,it definitely kind of just gave me a
major push in the right direction.I love that. Yeah, yeah,
it's a lot of tips, buthonestly, I have to make it a
point to just do things that Iknow is going to make my brain happier
or else I'm gonna be. Iknow if I'm I already know when I'm
(33:30):
not doing all those things, Iwill wake up and I'll just start feeling
so unmotivated and just sluggish and justdreading the day and just stuff like that,
and I'll just feel just down.But it's really, I mean,
the science is there behind all ofit, Like we can't just be doing
all of these bad things for ourbrain, like isolating ourselves and not talking
to anyone, not connecting with people, and not getting physical touch. You
(33:52):
know, you need eight hugs aday in order to be at your like
optimum affection levels or something like that, Like your body genuinely creates like eight
hugs a day, and you probablyget like one bell if that. I'm
so deprived in that regard, LikeI'm just not an affectionate person. Yeah,
I'm gonna start hugging you eight timesa day. I'd probably get my
most hugs from you because I feellike we always hugg and we see each
(34:15):
other and leave each other, andI don't hug anybody else like I hug
my husband like once a day.Maybe. Wow. Wow, I'm a
very very huggy person, especially withmy partner. I'm not even hugged their
parents laying on top of him allday. Really, Yes, that's just
like how you grew up in yourfamily, Like y'all didn't really show affection.
Yeah, I'm like not yeah,not the lovey dewy person. Yeah.
(34:38):
I think a lot of like thetips that you're saying to come from
self awareness and like knowing what makesyou feel good and knowing what doesn't.
I think we get caught up ina lot of habits that just everyone does
without recognizing like how they actually makeus feel. Yeah, Like I've tried
journaling and everyone SAIDs that's like thenumber one thing, and that never really
sticks for me. I'll like pickit up here and there, but while
(34:58):
I'm journaling, I just never reallyit doesn't really And I'm talking about journaling
in terms of like actually writing outyour feelings, like that really doesn't work
for me, But it might besomeone else's jam, you know, the
thing that makes them feel the absolutebest. So it is definitely everyone else's
individual journey, whether it be meditationor which I also do, which also
(35:19):
helps, but just finding what makesyou feel good in making it a priority
to do those things, because it'sreally easy to slip into bad habits for
sure. Yeah. Is there anymajor like things for you that are helping
you with your depression that you're dealingwith? Is it? I know you
mentioned you're on Zola. Yeah,I know you mentioned that in therapy.
(35:45):
Yeah, I feel like I've hadto kind of deal with anxiety and depression
as like two separate categories because Ikind of got them at two separate times.
So I feel like with anxiety,doing breath work really helped me.
There's a YouTube video that I love. It does like a ten minute guided
breathwork session, and I feel likethat really just helped like bring it back
(36:05):
to zero. And I was doingthat like every morning for a while.
And I think that just also helpsyou recognize like your body in general,
and like that we just don't breathe, like truly breathe enough, and so
I think like when anxiety would spike, it would just kind of be like
that reminder of like, okay,let's just take a breath. So that
did a lot for me. Andthen it just you know, kind of
being aware of like my caffeine levels, which sucks because I love my caffeine.
(36:30):
And then therapy obviously did it wondersfor me with my anxiety, but
with depression that came on so quickly, and I also felt like the peak
of my depression come on quickly,like at the beginning of fall, So
it also came on like wouldn't itstarted to get a lot darker a lot
earlier, and so that was reallyhard. So we just kind of immediately
went into medication for that, becauseI was having like really dark thoughts and
(36:52):
like it was just a very differentthing to deal with then my anxiety,
and it was affecting me a lotdifferently like my relationship, and so I
immediately got on antidepressants for that,and that at first kind of made me
feel like I kind of felt likea cop out, almost felt like,
well, I was able to healmy anxiety, like why can't I work
(37:12):
through my depression, But again,like I had to become to terms with
like it's just how my brain iswired, and the antidepressants were such a
huge help. But also going tothe gym in the morning, Like I
do love going to the gym,and like going at all makes a big
difference, but I find that thedays that I go to the gym in
the morning makes such a big differencein my mood for the whole day.
And so rather than going necessarily,like I'll still go at night if I
(37:34):
need to go at night, likeI try to get it in, but
when I go in the morning,it makes such a big difference, like
those of the day, Like yesterdayI went at five forty five, and
my whole day I was like,I'm on top of the world. I'm
so superior to everyone. There needsto be a study of like how people
feel when they wake up before everyoneelse, because it is it's a superiority
complex. I swear, like youwake up and you're like these freaking peasants,
(37:57):
like, oh, you're up atseven, loser, Like the today,
I get up eight because that wasso tired. I'm getting up a
five forty five shoulday? Um,but yeah, that made a really big
difference for me. But I thinkjust yeah, like he said, like
finding things that really work for youand then being aware of your symptoms and
that way when something starts to showup, you kind of you can recognize
it because like I said, likeI had no idea I had anxiety for
(38:17):
years and I look back and I'mlike, no one wanted to tell me.
I think, Um, it's hardfor other people to because we all
struggle with struggle with our own anxiety, so we're like, I don't know
whether or not. Imagine someone toldme her, yeah, oh my god,
that would send you into a spiral. I'd like, what are you
talking about. I just love howmy therapist friend was like, yeah,
(38:39):
you definitely have this, and Iwas like, oh yeah, no,
I think he found out perfectly.I was like, just like a universe,
the universe was giving it to inyour own way. Yeah. Yeah.
Social media is such a great andtoo little thing. And yeah,
remember I saved the post and atmy next therapy session, I was like,
(39:00):
so I cant across this post andI like read at her and she
was like, yeah, like that'syou, bab sounds about right. Yeah,
well yeah, I think that's everything. So She's definitely a loaded episode.
Make sure to take care of yourselffaith and hashtag grapys cool. Thanks
(39:21):
for listening to the Hot Girls CryPodcast. If you've enjoyed this episode,
show some love and support with arating review, or keep the conversation going
over on our socials t T yl
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shanya. I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness, tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hat
(00:20):
Girls Cry Podcast. Welcome back toanother episode of the Hawk Girls Cry Podcast.
(00:42):
Welcome back, Welcome back. Let'skick off with some of our gratitudes.
I am grateful for my animals becausethey are so sweet in a cuddle
meat at night. Oh that issweet. I'm gonna say that. I'm
for my husband, Okay, slangshout out Aden. He's been a sweet
(01:07):
boy and he's been working so hardat his new job and he's doing so
well. Oh don't you love whenthey're sweet? I know, he's just
really there's been a lot of sweetness. Oh. We played um paintball for
the first time. Well, wasit your first time too? Yeah,
I've never played. Me and valplayed played paintball. Did paintball? I
don't know. We participated in paintball. This past weekend. We participated in
(01:32):
the sports of paintballing, and we'veplayed with my boyfriend and her husband,
and it was so cute to likesee them so fun just like in the
zone, like doing their little boyactivities. It was cute. I saw
a TikTok or he sent me aTikTok that said when your girlfriends are introducing
their boyfriends and the boyfriends are like, hey man, what's up, And
(01:53):
the girls in the background are like, oh my god, look how cute
they are. Like let's go ona family vacation, Let's get pay coffee.
Oh my god, they're best friendAnd Aidan was like, this is
human Shania planning our lives together.No, seriously, we're like plotting for
them to have a bromance. We'rejust like pushing them together slowly. Yeah,
and we're like bringing up like,oh but you both love this,
like talk about it. I'm likeevery time Josh has anything about Ada and
(02:14):
I like textsm like, oh mygod. She said it was so cool.
Boys are so a little key,like they don't like initiate conversation together
when they have so much in common. Yeah, yeah, it's true.
They both like video games, theyboth like sports. You know. The
cliche is, yeah, them too, love a dad joke and they're cheesy,
but they do. They are.They are kind of the same type
(02:37):
of person like super silly, lovesports, loves like and that's the problem
is they're both really silly behind closeddoors, but then when we take them
out in public, they're both likereserves, yeah, cool and sophisticate.
Like like people always tell me they'relike, oh, your husband's so put
together and he just means business.I'm like, are you joking? You're
like this guy. I'm like,this guy never stops talking, never stops
(02:59):
messing around. I'm like, Imean business. I mean like, I'm
like, no messing around. You'relike, excuse me. You'd live with
them for a week and then youcan see shout out to the boys.
Yeah they're doing okay, they are, they are. But today's topic just
to dampen the mood. Yeah,yeah, we're diving into depression and anxiety
(03:21):
because this is a very close topicfor both of us and we should be
talked about more, and we justwant to share what our experiences have been
like. And we are obviously notprofessional doctors or therapists, but hopefully it
can just shine some light on itand normalize it and maybe just provide some
helpful insight for anybody out there.Just two people who have experience experiences with
(03:46):
these things, kind of sharing what'shelped us and our experiences. Yes,
but disclaimer, we are not medicalprofessionals. Yeah, take everything you know,
the great graind of fault, doyour own diligence, go to your
own therapists, all that, allthat good stuff. We are advocates,
huge advocates for therapy. Yeah,I still need to go. I really
(04:08):
I still need to go. It'sjust one of those things for someone with
ADHD, like I just never actuallyI have went to a therapist, and
I think that's kind of what Yeah, I think you have a little bit
of PTSD. Yeah, I justreally didn't like her, And I think
just the whole thought of goat.Not that I didn't, I didn't.
It's not that I didn't like heras a person. I just didn't enjoy
her. Yeah, I didn't enjoyher out of therapy. She seemed like
(04:30):
a cool person. But just athought of it's kind of like dating,
like you kind of have to goout there and find your person you click
with and who handles your delicate,deep inner trauma with the type of care
that is specific to you and howyou need it to be delivered. It's
just kind of like it's it's verydaunting task. That's what I was gonna
say. It is like dating.It is hard because you kind of have
(04:53):
to get like the small talk outof the way. Yeah, and you
kind of to see if you vibewith them, but then you're also paying
for your time. You kind ofwant to like get to the fixes and
you're like, Okay, let's diveinto like my dad's darkest secrets, and
then you kind of have to seelike and like, obviously they're professionals and
like, but you still want tobe receptive to what they're telling you.
And like, I've been to ahandful of therapists in my life, and
(05:14):
there was one that almost felt dismissiveand like, I'm sure she didn't mean
to Yeah, that's not my ladywas. Yeah, And so it's hard
because you have to find something youvibe with. And like, I'm just
so thankful for my therapist that I'vebeen going to. UM. I started
going to her during the pandemic,and I've been going to her consistently every
other week for three years. AndI don't know if you've all seen that
show The shrinknext Door with Will Ferrell, but I would do anything for Sarah.
(05:41):
I adore her. I know Ineed to go to her, but
I think it's just one of thosethings where I've just been crastinating it so
much for some reason. But Ireally do need to go to her because
she sounds so great. By theend of like two more years, I'm
gonna have your hair girl, yourlash girl, your nail girl, your
financial advisor. Like our lives arejust gonna We're just gonna orphine will become
one. But honestly, like Imean, if you are, even if
(06:04):
you're not struggling with mental health,therapy is huge. Like I truly believe
going to therapy is like going toa doctor, like you should go before
an issue arises. It's just ithelps you with anything and everything. It
can help you with communication, helpsyou manage your stress, like I mean,
I go to therapy for my marriage, and like we're not on the
(06:26):
verge of a divorce or anything.It's just really helps with communication and helps
you with like problem solving before aproblem even needs to arise. Yeah,
for sure. And it's just sogood and like having a third party be
able to like validate your feelings,give you an objective perspective, and just
knowing that you have like a professionalbecause obviously everyone vents to their friends and
talks to their family and friends.That's my form of therapy. As soon
(06:46):
as I even feel any type oflike way about something, I'm like,
do do do do do? Andthat's great, Like, it's so great
to have a support system, especiallysomeone who knows the people you're talking about.
Two. Yeah, but y'all arebiased. Yeah, and that's that
they and we're not professional, solike and we have our own we're not
biased and we have our own projectionsthat were kind of like there's been times
(07:08):
where like, I know, I'vejumped in on something you've said, and
then I'm like, oh, that'smy own trauma. I'm letting interfere with
my opinions. Yeah, definitely.It's I feel like, I love that
we're moving as a society and it'sbeen very i don't know, prioritized on
social media. It's kind of atrend now that everyone's going to therapy,
and I just think it's beautiful tosee that it's become so normalized. Yeah.
(07:31):
I love when something like actually beneficialfor people becomes trendy and I'm like,
I don't care that it's trendy,Like, let's go for it.
I feel like with so many peopleon social media now and so many people
in the space and talking, Ithink most things are moving in such a
positive direction because the second something iskind of bullshit, everyone chimes in.
They're like no, like no,And I think that's beautiful. Yeah.
(07:54):
I think gen Z plays a hugepart because gen Z's ready to heal.
They're like, we don't want yoursbaggage. Yeah, shout out gen Z.
Please save the planet, please please, I'm back for real. For
me, I always was very goodmentally up until the pandemic. I was
(08:15):
like I was almost I feel like, I don't know, blissfully ignorant in
my good mental health, Like Ididn't even know what kind of it felt
like to struggle with anxiety and depression. I've always just been very outgoing,
very happy person. And then Ihad a huge friendship breakup, which I
(08:35):
talked about in another podcast, andI was kind of isolated by that,
and then isolated by the pandemic andisolated by living alone all at once,
and then the only thing I reallyhad to connect with people was my phone,
which also can be so bad foryour mental health. So I think
all of that combined just kicked offso many things. And I remember the
first time I kind of realized thatI was having social anxiety was right when
(09:01):
the pandemic hit and I was arounda group of people and I just started
like shaking, and I was like, what is this, Like what is
going on? And I was like, Okay, I think these people are
just like scaring me right now.And then I realized I was having a
bit of social anxiety, which isso weird for me because I used to
be the type person that just lovedbeing around people and love like all of
that. But I think the pandemicdefinitely did a little number on me.
(09:24):
So do you think it's something youalways had that kind of came to the
service during then, or do youthink it's something that you kind of,
I guess, like acquired. Iwant to say it's something that kind of
happened to me due to all ofthe things going on kind of at the
same time. It was kind ofthe perfect storm. I'm sure I had
(09:45):
kind of underlying pre dissessors, y'allbless me. I'm always looking for words
on these podcasts. Pre dissessor.You know what I'm saying. Precursors,
precursors. I don't know what you'retrying to saying. Okay, y'all know
what I'm trying to say. I'mtrying to say I was predisposed, probably
because my mom struggles with so manymental health issues, and I think everyone
(10:07):
has like the ability to have anxietyabout something in them, Like, I
think that's a very natural human response, and I think we all have the
ability to get depressed in the rightin the perfect storm kind of circumstances.
I don't think anyone is just likepredisposed to just be happy all the time,
no matter what situation comes at them. But I definitely think it was
(10:28):
kind of drawn by all of thosethings. So it kind of was weird
because I never struggled with it before, and I'd always been very happy and
very motivated and just all of thosethings. And then it almost was worse
because I was like, what's wrongwith me? Yeah, Like, what
is going on? It sucks?I think I might not normal. The
awareness almost makes it worse. Yeah, because then you almost like feel it,
(10:54):
and then you're like, Okay,I feel it, but what do
I do now? When Like,but if you're in like that blissful ignorance,
it's almost like you're just living lifeand have no idea how you're functioning,
and you're just kind of like,whatever, this is normal. Do
you feel like once you've had anxietyand depression or once you've felt like that
for a bit, that does itever fully get heals or go away?
(11:20):
I think so, because I thinkfor me, I truly believe I've healed
my anxiety. Oh that's amazing,And I think now I had depression.
No, I didn't know I hadanxiety until the pandemic. Not because of
(11:41):
the pandemic, but during the pandemicwas also closer to when I started my
business and I started to network witha lot of other business owners. And
one of my friends, who wasa business owner, is also a therapist,
and she specializes in anxiety, perfectionismand a lot of those similar disorders
and shared a lot of stuff abouthigh functioning anxiety and a lot of the
content she shared, I'm like,you're calling me out like it identified so
(12:07):
closely with me and I remember messagingher being like, damn, like you're
describing me in my day to daylife, and she was like, yeah,
you probably have high functioning anxiety.Oh my god. You were literally
the poster child or were the posterchild for high functioning anxiety, I think,
and like I first met you,Yeah, Like I didn't really see
(12:30):
it like that because my whole lifeI've always been like type A overachieving perfectionist
and that's been like my quirky thingwhere it's like, haha, I just
talk a lot. Haha, I'mjust overachieving, Like that's just my quirky
Like that's just me. Yeah,and like I've never seen it as unhealthy.
And I when I started my business, that's when it started to become
(12:52):
really taxing and really debilitating for mymental health because I couldn't stop. Like
obviously, when I had jobs,I had people to lean on, I
had business, I had managers andcolleague, but when I started my business,
it was all on me. Andit wasn't just all on me because
I was building a business and hadit was also my livelihood and so that
(13:13):
took a big, tall lot.It was a lot. But I remember
she mentioned that and so then Istarted therapy and she was like, yeah,
it sounds like you have pretty severeanxiety. And that's when I started
to recognize, like, oh,that's what this is. So then I
would wake up and I was awareof the anxiety, like it was my
anxiety waking me up in the morning. Yeah. And then I also had
(13:37):
such an unhealthy lifestyle with like workingNonStop and like drinking coffee was like my
thing, and that obviously just expeditedall of it. And so I just
had really bad anxiety then. AndI like always knew like I was just
like a fast talker and I wasjust like a hop to it kind of
person. Yeah, you were onehundred miles an hour all the time,
Yeah, everywhere we went. Yeah, And like I looked back and I
(14:00):
can like now see that, LikeI don't even remember like conversations I had
because I wasn't even fully present becauseI was like one hundred miles per hour
thinking a million things, bulldozing throughconversations. Crazy because I don't even remember
conversations that I used to have,like when I look back on that time
period of my life, because Ifeel like I just bulldozed through them like
(14:22):
I was so high anxiety that itwas like I wasn't ever fully present because
I was just like thinking about amillion things that all the time, and
like it's kind of sad, butI'm also like I wasn't aware, and
now I look back and I'm justlike, it was just so obvious that
I wasn't okay that, Yeah,definitely, it's really crazy to see.
(14:45):
I think that's been one of thewildest evolutions of anyone I've ever seen,
is how you used to function withyour anxiety and how you do now,
because it really is just too totallydifferent people, Like there's no other way
to even like say it. Y'allare just really two different people. And
(15:09):
it's so inspiring because I just sawyou recognize it and work through it.
And that's one thing that I loveabout you is whenever you realize that you
need to fix something within yourself,let you go and do the work.
You're on the ball. And Ido think ignorance is bliss. Whenever you
don't realize that you have something,you're kind of just functioning, and then
(15:31):
it's kind of like a hard hitwhen you realize, Okay, wait,
I'm not healthy. My brain isn'thealthy. But then you really went into
the work and you got therapy andyou did all these other things. So
what is like the main thing iswhat is like the main thing that you
feel like helps you or a coupleof the main things that helps you transform
from being super high functioning anxiety tobe where you're at now. I feel
(15:54):
like therapy was one of the biggestones, Like I feel like that was
like ninety percent of the healing journeybecause I feel like it just talking through
the way I felt when I hadanxiety, because I would have like a
list of situations that had come tomy therapist with of like, Okay,
this is what's causing anxiety this week, and I would talk through like why
(16:15):
it made me feel that way,like what the feelings were. And I
think being able to talk through likeall these like feelings that were almost I
don't want to say they were likeimaginary, because they're not. But a
lot of anxiety comes from things thataren't happening. Yeah, Like I'm anticipating
the fifteen scenarios that could happen,but only one is going to yeah,
(16:37):
And so being able to work throughthat with my therapist and change the way
I handled and processed situations situations thattypically caused anxiety, like conflict, like
work issues, things like that,and being able to process it differently made
it such a huge difference. ButI also started to become aware of like
(17:00):
I knew that if I was goingto continue to run a business and that
was like the biggest cause of myanxiety, I knew that something had to
change. Yeah, like you neededto move the needle forward and getting it
healed or else there wouldn't be muchI wouldn't make it. Yeah, Yeah,
Like I knew I wouldn't make it. And it got to the point
where, like I was like peoplepleasing so badly. I was overworking myself
(17:23):
so much that like it was soincredibly unhealthy and I was starting to have
like really dark thoughts and like sooverwhelmed and like and I was like,
what's the point, Like, Yeah, why did I quit my comfortable,
salary benefits job to hate life?Yeah, exactly, Especially when you have
(17:44):
that much pressure on you to likeyou all, like you said, you
have all these other people's livelihood andall these things relying on you to make
this business work, in this businessrun. For you to be at that
level of anxiety it's super unhealthy.Yeah. And I think the other thing
that really helped and really kind ofmade me recognize all the growth that I
(18:07):
had was one of the last timesthat we went to England. We went
for about I think we went fororiginally four weeks, but we ended up
staying for six because I got COVIDlike two days before we're supposed to come
home. But when we had goneto England, every time we went to
England, I would still work fromEngland, but with the time difference,
I would work on a different schedule. And so with the time difference,
(18:30):
I was just available a bit later. And so I just was able to
recognize while they're like what I dofor a living is not that serious,
like social media, Like yes,it's important to me, and yes it's
valuable, and like yes I wantmy clients to be happy, but like
it's not that serious. Nothing shouldever be so serious to your life that
(18:51):
it impacts your mental health. Yeah, that much like, at the end
of the day, I really thinkyour mental health and your happiness comes before
money, It comes before all ofthese things that we think are such big
deals in our life. When atthe end of the day, you don't
need any of that for your mentalhealth to be good and for you to
be happy and all of these things. Like the happiest places in the world,
(19:12):
there are places that don't have likethese people who run these crazy businesses
and make these crazy amounts of money. It's like people who are surrounded by
people they love and eat good foodand get out in nature and all of
these other things. So I thinkwe Americans tend to prioritize things that aren't
necessarily good for our mental health.I think that backfires a lot. Yeah,
(19:36):
I think we're deeply ingrained in likehustle culture, and I think being
able to literally have an ocean betweenme and my work put in a perspective
like it's okay, like the emailcan wait, to the client can wait.
If we don't hit this deadline,no one's gonna die. Like sure
they might be mad, but likeit's fine, yeah, And like if
(19:56):
a client's unhappy, then like wecan fix it. And if they're still
in happy, then like that's theirproblem. So it just really put everything
into perspective from me. So Ifeel like coming home from that trip,
I had such a clean slate oflike now I know, like everyone can
wait, And I also considered likehow often I'm waiting on other people or
(20:17):
how often other people aren't thinking aboutme? Yeah, And I'm like,
why do I spend my whole dayso stressed about accommodating all the people and
being the person that does this andthat and like they're on time and this
and that. I'm like, noone else is this worried about it?
Like why I was stressing? Yeah, everyone's so caught up in their own
deal, their own thing that they'renot like focused on you and what you're
(20:41):
doing and what time you get itdone and all of like we kind of
think things like everyone's kind of evolvingaround us, and especially in your job
when so many people do depend onyou, I'm sure that's really hard.
Yeah, And I think like thatwas something that therapy helped me with too,
is like I always wanted to bethe person who was early. I
want to be the person who overdelivered. And it's like, but why,
like it was action yeah, andlike it wasn't for them, it
(21:02):
was for me. And it's likeI found a lot of validation in being
that person. And that's also nothealthy. Like I found and still find
a lot of validation in my achievementsversus my values and like who I am
as a person, and so Ihad to work on that a lot.
But I do feel like it almostfeels like I woke up one day and
(21:23):
like I just didn't have anxiety.And obviously that's not the case. Like
obviously it was years of like whatdo you call it, like chiseling away
at it, and then it kindof did dissolve. But it does feel
like I woke up one day andit was just gone. And I remember
having a session with my therapist beinglike my brain is so empty because there's
(21:45):
not all these anxious thoughts and patterns, and like I'm not going in circles
and I'm just able to send anemail and put my foot down and I'm
able to just tell this person noand it's not a whole twenty four hour
cycle, and like I just feltso empty that I almost had like an
identity crisis. Oh yeah, Iremember you did have an I dinner a
(22:06):
crisis. You were like who amI without? I mean, whenever that's
who you identify yourself as, I'msure it's like, Okay, who's this
new who's this new person? Yeah, I felt really empty, and like
that was really scary because then Ifelt really depressed because I was I didn't
feel That's when I started to recognize, like me being so anxious about like
(22:26):
checking my emails and getting to mywork got literally got me up in the
morning. So then I started tosleep in because I didn't feel that urgency,
and then I started to feel likecrowd because I was sleeping in,
And then I didn't feel this urgencyof like I've got to get to my
meeting, I gotta get to thegym, I gotta get to this and
like it. Then I genuinely startedto feel depressed. And my therapist even
(22:48):
said, like, I've probably alwayshad depression, which is hereditary, and
my mom's always felt a depression,but my anxiety symptoms masked that so much
because they kept me moving that nowI have time to think about it,
Yeah, I have time to sitdown and recognize it. Yeah. And
so now the depression is much moreapparent and the anxieties in there. And
I remember at first I was like, I'll take the anxiety back, like
(23:08):
this is so uncomfortable, yeah,and she was like no, like we
can cope with this too, justlike we did with the anxiety, and
I was like, like, whoam I? No, I really relate
to that what you said about likeyou probably always had it for me.
I think I like to distract myselfwith like big life changes whenever I start
to feel really depressed, I justlike, Okay, something needs to change.
(23:30):
Like I'm like over here, I'llbe happier in this city, I'll
be happier in this state. I'llbe happier. If I do this,
I'll be happier instead of like actuallysitting down and working through and like doing
things daily that will help combat thedepression. But I remember making a tweet
one time that was like happiness isa choice, and so many people were
(23:51):
like on my shit rightfully so becausethey were like, no, it's not,
but I genuinely would. That wascoming from like a good place.
I was like, choose to behappy even went But like I do think
there is an element to that that'strue, Like you can try to choose
to focus on the happy in someways, but a lot of times,
like if you're just in it,you're just in it, and no matter
how hard you try to choose tobe happy, it's just if your brain's
(24:15):
telling you something different that day,it's just probably not going to happen.
Yeah. I mean, I thinkwe aren't raised to see happiness and sadness
in that way because I did thesame thing. Like I had a friend
who I remember she told me likeshe would be so depressed that she wouldn't
even shower for days, and Iwas like, just get up and shower,
you weirdo. Like I was like, that's I was like, you
should just be meditating and like doingthis and that. I was like,
(24:37):
like just being snobbing, and shewas like, you don't get it.
And I was like, I mean, you don't get it. And now
I'm like, oh, I getit. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy,
especially with I think it's one ofthose things where you really don't realize
until you're in something. But Ithink with depression specifically, like you really,
even as impassing people like that,you really cannot empathize with it or
(24:57):
understand what someone's going until you actuallyhave been through it, because it does
for if you haven't really been init like that, you really just don't
see how someone's brain operates in aplace where it just is programmed to be
sad every day and just you know, not look for the good and things
and not be motivated and stuff likethat, where in such a totally different
(25:18):
mindset. Yeah, and that's onething I think I've really learned from therapy
and from being like friends with youand my husband, like with ADHD and
then depression and anxiety is like it'snot like, yes, I was able
to like heal my anxiety and likecope with it and do all these practices
and reprogram my brain and like suremedication probably would have been a much quicker
(25:40):
fix and like I would have beentotally open to that, and like I
was able to do it very naturally. And now I want antidepressants for the
depression because that was a very quickturn of events and that was really hard
to cope with. But I dothink like we don't see these like conditions
as like scientific, Like I thinkwe see them almost like as choices,
like you said, like choosing happiness, Like yeah, like like we should
(26:03):
choose happiness, woman, we can, we should always try to choose.
But at the same time, likeI remember with like ADHD, with my
husband, like it would really frustrateme because I'm like just try to remember,
like just try to make lists,but like it is genuinely how someone's
brain is programmed. It is likethe actual, like scientific way their brain
is designed. And it's not it'snot a matter of thinking, like it's
(26:27):
literally their genetic makeup. And that'sone thing like that was really hard for
me to swallow because I'm as acontrol freak. I wanted to be like
no, like I can change it, but it's like no, like that's
how someone is made, like andlike, yes, there's ways to fix
it, there's ways to cope withit and like get through it, but
like it's not. I think forme, it was really hard to accept
(26:48):
the anxiety and the depression because Iwas like, no, like I'm so
happy and I and I almost feltguilty because I was, yeah, you
do feel guilty because I'm like,who am I to be depressed? Like
in my life, you know,especially whenever you felt a feeling that's not
like that, which for me wasmy whole life. When I started feeling
like that, I felt guilty becauseI was like why am I? Like
why am I feeling this way?I shouldn't be feeling this way. I've
(27:11):
always been happy. I'm losing myself, Like there's just this whole other element
whenever you've been the type of personwho's not like that and you just feel
like you're never going to be ableto get back to who you were whenever
you didn't feel that. Yeah,And not to like diagnose you, but
like when you look at the childhoodthat you came from, like there's so
(27:32):
many elements that would cause anxiety andlike things like that, and it's like,
but then it's not always the reasonsomeone is the way they are.
And I think we oftentimes like almostgaslight ourselves because like with me and my
depression, I'm like, how dareI'd be depressed? Like I come from
a middle class family, I livedin the suburbs, I went to private
school. How dare I? Butit's like that has nothing to do that
(27:53):
has absolutely nothing to do with it, and we all I think it's I
think it's product of our environment andour genetic makeup, our daily habits,
who we have around us, themost recent trauma, and how we've internalized
it. Like there's so many elementsthat go into it besides just like what
(28:14):
was your childhood like growing up?Because my childhood was a shit show and
I was Gucci for a long time. Mentally, I was chilling. I
was termed to make it out ofthere. I was motivated all of that,
And I don't know if that wasit was probably just like me maybe
masking that by me like constantly makingthese big life changes throughout all my life.
Like I moved out when I wasseventeen and started hopping around ever since.
(28:37):
But I never really felt depression untilthe isolation part of it came in.
And now I'm still dealing with it, but I do feel like there's
been a lot of I feel like, finally this past year, I've at
least had breaks from it and hadperiods where I didn't feel it, and
that's been the part of it forme. That's just like, Okay,
(29:00):
this is something I'm always going todeal with because it always kind of creeps
back in a little bit here andthere, and you're like, is it
back am I Okay? Like no, don't do this. I was just
so good. But I really thinkthere's things that you can do to just
prep your brain to be able tohave the space to feel happier and give
(29:22):
it a break from like dopamine andyou know, do things that are just
really healthy for your brain. Soit has the possibility to have like a
happy day. What are some ofthe things that you do, because I
do feel like once you it's almostwe've talked about this where almost like once
you acknowledge it, it makes itspresence known. So I feel like that
can be part of it too.Is like maybe there were times in the
(29:45):
past where you've experienced it, youjust didn't quite know that you're experiencing it,
and but now like you know,and so it's like, you know,
yeah, for me, I alwaysstart to feel happier whenever I have
dopamine breaks. In Humerman talks aboutthis a lot on his podcast. I
would really definitely go listen to thatpodcast, you guys. It's so good.
(30:06):
And I feel like we kind ofindulge in social media in this way
that it has no negative effects onour mental health or anything like that.
But dopamine is so real, andwe get so much dopamine from our phones,
which can have which can suck allof the dopamine out of us,
so we can't feel it unless we'relike on our phones. And for me
just being it's really it's really reallyhard, especially because I do live alone,
(30:30):
and it's like I don't have anythingkind of taking my energy away.
I have to be very mindful ofjust being stoic or just in the moment
whenever I'm just eating or just youknow, savoring every moment instead of trying
to fill it with all of thismindless information that I can consume. And
I feel like we have a tendencyto write it off as work too,
(30:51):
But just being really mindful about thephone. I try not to get on
it in the morning, and thenI try to take like maybe like two
hours in the morning, and thenI try this is not every day all
Like a lot of days, Iend up getting on an all freaking day
and it's not good, and Idefinitely can tell a difference. And then
at night I try to stay offof it like three or four hours if
I can. That's the dream.My dream would be to be on social
(31:15):
media like five hours a day.And I feel like that is so crazy
to even say like five hours aday, But when you think about it,
that's like so much. But thenwhen you think about like how much
we're actually spending on it, it'slike so much more. Yeah, And
I think my average is like eighthours, but it's also like work yeah,
I mean I'm the same way.A lot of it is work,
but then there's a lot of timewhere I'm just you know, scrolling TikTok
(31:37):
while I'm eating and just doing allof these things that, Yeah, that's
a major thing for me is Ican really fill myself level out and start
to get my mind just back togetherwhenever I make sure I'm just mindful about
the phone time and all of that. I think. Another thing for me
is taking time to just do thingsthat make my brain feel really good,
(32:00):
like dancing or doing like an activitylike that that makes my brain work and
think and do something where I haveto really be in the moment and me
personally, I really like to readscience fiction fiction. I really like to
read fiction, so that kind ofgets my brain out of it and gets
my brain working in a really positiveway. So just making time for things
(32:22):
in your day, whether it belike working out or yoga or something like
that that really gives your brain abreak in a good way to still work
at the same time, but justhealthy things that you can do for your
brain and implementing those habits daily.For me, another thing that's really helped
is this is not going to befor everyone, but shrooms and microducing with
(32:45):
shrooms really really helped me. Ithink it really gave me a push in
such a good direction and kind ofjust allow me to like really open up
and put my ego aside and seejust the beauty in the world and how
much I did love my life andshoe Shroom's affects so many people differently,
so take that with a grain ofsalt. It's not going to be for
(33:06):
everyone, listen to your gut.Might not be for you, but for
me, whenever I was microdocing,it definitely kind of just gave me a
major push in the right direction.I love that. Yeah, yeah,
it's a lot of tips, buthonestly, I have to make it a
point to just do things that Iknow is going to make my brain happier
or else I'm gonna be. Iknow if I'm I already know when I'm
(33:30):
not doing all those things, Iwill wake up and I'll just start feeling
so unmotivated and just sluggish and justdreading the day and just stuff like that,
and I'll just feel just down.But it's really, I mean,
the science is there behind all ofit, Like we can't just be doing
all of these bad things for ourbrain, like isolating ourselves and not talking
to anyone, not connecting with people, and not getting physical touch. You
(33:52):
know, you need eight hugs aday in order to be at your like
optimum affection levels or something like that, Like your body genuinely creates like eight
hugs a day, and you probablyget like one bell if that. I'm
so deprived in that regard, LikeI'm just not an affectionate person. Yeah,
I'm gonna start hugging you eight timesa day. I'd probably get my
most hugs from you because I feellike we always hugg and we see each
(34:15):
other and leave each other, andI don't hug anybody else like I hug
my husband like once a day.Maybe. Wow. Wow, I'm a
very very huggy person, especially withmy partner. I'm not even hugged their
parents laying on top of him allday. Really, Yes, that's just
like how you grew up in yourfamily, Like y'all didn't really show affection.
Yeah, I'm like not yeah,not the lovey dewy person. Yeah.
(34:38):
I think a lot of like thetips that you're saying to come from
self awareness and like knowing what makesyou feel good and knowing what doesn't.
I think we get caught up ina lot of habits that just everyone does
without recognizing like how they actually makeus feel. Yeah, Like I've tried
journaling and everyone SAIDs that's like thenumber one thing, and that never really
sticks for me. I'll like pickit up here and there, but while
(34:58):
I'm journaling, I just never reallyit doesn't really And I'm talking about journaling
in terms of like actually writing outyour feelings, like that really doesn't work
for me, But it might besomeone else's jam, you know, the
thing that makes them feel the absolutebest. So it is definitely everyone else's
individual journey, whether it be meditationor which I also do, which also
(35:19):
helps, but just finding what makesyou feel good in making it a priority
to do those things, because it'sreally easy to slip into bad habits for
sure. Yeah. Is there anymajor like things for you that are helping
you with your depression that you're dealingwith? Is it? I know you
mentioned you're on Zola. Yeah,I know you mentioned that in therapy.
(35:45):
Yeah, I feel like I've hadto kind of deal with anxiety and depression
as like two separate categories because Ikind of got them at two separate times.
So I feel like with anxiety,doing breath work really helped me.
There's a YouTube video that I love. It does like a ten minute guided
breathwork session, and I feel likethat really just helped like bring it back
(36:05):
to zero. And I was doingthat like every morning for a while.
And I think that just also helpsyou recognize like your body in general,
and like that we just don't breathe, like truly breathe enough, and so
I think like when anxiety would spike, it would just kind of be like
that reminder of like, okay,let's just take a breath. So that
did a lot for me. Andthen it just you know, kind of
being aware of like my caffeine levels, which sucks because I love my caffeine.
(36:30):
And then therapy obviously did it wondersfor me with my anxiety, but
with depression that came on so quickly, and I also felt like the peak
of my depression come on quickly,like at the beginning of fall, So
it also came on like wouldn't itstarted to get a lot darker a lot
earlier, and so that was reallyhard. So we just kind of immediately
went into medication for that, becauseI was having like really dark thoughts and
(36:52):
like it was just a very differentthing to deal with then my anxiety,
and it was affecting me a lotdifferently like my relationship, and so I
immediately got on antidepressants for that,and that at first kind of made me
feel like I kind of felt likea cop out, almost felt like,
well, I was able to healmy anxiety, like why can't I work
(37:12):
through my depression, But again,like I had to become to terms with
like it's just how my brain iswired, and the antidepressants were such a
huge help. But also going tothe gym in the morning, Like I
do love going to the gym,and like going at all makes a big
difference, but I find that thedays that I go to the gym in
the morning makes such a big differencein my mood for the whole day.
And so rather than going necessarily,like I'll still go at night if I
(37:34):
need to go at night, likeI try to get it in, but
when I go in the morning,it makes such a big difference, like
those of the day, Like yesterdayI went at five forty five, and
my whole day I was like,I'm on top of the world. I'm
so superior to everyone. There needsto be a study of like how people
feel when they wake up before everyoneelse, because it is it's a superiority
complex. I swear, like youwake up and you're like these freaking peasants,
(37:57):
like, oh, you're up atseven, loser, Like the today,
I get up eight because that wasso tired. I'm getting up a
five forty five shoulday? Um,but yeah, that made a really big
difference for me. But I thinkjust yeah, like he said, like
finding things that really work for youand then being aware of your symptoms and
that way when something starts to showup, you kind of you can recognize
it because like I said, likeI had no idea I had anxiety for
(38:17):
years and I look back and I'mlike, no one wanted to tell me.
I think, Um, it's hardfor other people to because we all
struggle with struggle with our own anxiety, so we're like, I don't know
whether or not. Imagine someone toldme her, yeah, oh my god,
that would send you into a spiral. I'd like, what are you
talking about. I just love howmy therapist friend was like, yeah,
(38:39):
you definitely have this, and Iwas like, oh yeah, no,
I think he found out perfectly.I was like, just like a universe,
the universe was giving it to inyour own way. Yeah. Yeah.
Social media is such a great andtoo little thing. And yeah,
remember I saved the post and atmy next therapy session, I was like,
(39:00):
so I cant across this post andI like read at her and she
was like, yeah, like that'syou, bab sounds about right. Yeah,
well yeah, I think that's everything. So She's definitely a loaded episode.
Make sure to take care of yourselffaith and hashtag grapys cool. Thanks
(39:21):
for listening to the Hot Girls CryPodcast. If you've enjoyed this episode,
show some love and support with arating review, or keep the conversation going
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