August 14, 2023 • 29 mins
In this episode, we talking about our "professional people-pleasing" tendencies and how we've grown to be better at setting boundaries. We share our tips that worked for us, we hope they can help you too!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shanaya. I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hot Girls
(00:21):
Cry Podcast. Hi everyone, welcomeback to the Hot Girl Skry Podcast.
(00:41):
Thanks for listening. Let's start offwith our gratefuls that would be grateful for.
I am grateful for the new clientsthat my company just signed and my
wonderful team. They have been reallystepping up the past couple of weeks,
and I'm just so grateful to havesuch wonderful women to work with period.
(01:02):
Y'all. Just I just have totell them who you sign, because it's
that will freaking my jaw literally drop. She signed someone who does polaroid aura
readings as a marketing client for socialsocial media, which is VOS business what
you guys, probably, I don'tknow, but they basically take a polaroid
of you and then it shows youthe color of your aura and then they
do like a full spiritual life readingaudio Yeah, it's really cool. Obviously,
(01:26):
I'm just like learning about the brand. But they go to like events
and stuff and do it and theywork with a lot of like they've worked
like with Fossil and stuff like that. But it's really cool. We're really
excited about it. I'm grateful fornew opportunities because I toured a bunch of
apartment yesterday and saw just a bunchof future possibilities. And we love a
fresh start, a fresh place,new home decore. We don't love a
(01:49):
new apartment, we really do.I feel like moving is like one of
your hobbies. It really is.It's it's my niche. Moving is my
niche. I got a message onetime though, it was like, girl,
you move more than a military family. And fair. That's fair.
I really do. But yeah,today we're gonna be talking about a subject
that is near and dear to bothof our hearts, people pleasing and setting
(02:13):
boundaries. We are both professional peoplepleasers. Yes, not not my finest
attribute, but definitely one of therealist It's been a really big struggle for
me in my whole life, andI feel like I didn't even realize that
I was a people pleaser or thatthat was even a thing until I was
like twenty two. Yeah. Ithink in general, we grow up not
(02:37):
seeing it as a bad thing,especially as women. I think we're taught
that it's a good thing and thatpeople pleasing is you being kind, you
being accommodating, and we see itas like, oh, she's the go
too. Yeah, And then asyou get older and the more you get
walked on and the more you getdrained from relationships, you start to see
(02:57):
like, oh, this shit sucksone hundred percent. I think society conditions
women to have at least a littlebit of people pleasing in every single one
of us. Like that's just alreadygoing to be a thing. If you're
a woman, you probably have hadsome people pleasing conditioned into you by society
for sure. Like, I don'tthink there's many men who would consider themselves
to be people please. Oh mygod, no, Like every boyfriend I've
(03:21):
ever had, they're just like,why don't you just tell her? Like
yeah, just say no. I'mlike you can't just do that, Like
what do you mean say no?Like, yeah, excuse me, that's
not a thing. And I think, honestly it's part of women's nature too.
I think we deep things a lotmore than men do. Like if
I say no to something that youwant to do, then you think that
(03:44):
I don't like you in this way, or like it can kind of spiral
for women quickly, and I thinkwe know that about each other. So
we're a lot more careful about people'sfeelings, just as women in general,
because we know how our feelings are. Yeah. Like, I think we're
just much more considerate of the aftermathsetting a boundary, and so it's not
just setting a boundary, it's like, but how will this setting a boundary
(04:06):
make them feel? And then howis that going to affect our friendship and
our relationship in the future when thatstill is us considering their feelings over our
own. Yeah, so even thatconsideration is still people pleasing. Yeah,
but like we're really trying to justifyit. No. I think that's the
hardest part about setting a boundary andnot people pleasing, is putting your own
(04:30):
needs before how anything will make anyoneelse feel, because how they feel about
your boundary is just not your business, you know. Yeah. And I
think when you've people pleased for solong and you get into adulthood and it's
something that you do and that's howyou handle confrontation. It's how you've just
like managed friendships and relationships. Ithink it's almost more comfortable to people please
(04:53):
than it is to set a boundary. And so although like even now,
I'm very aware of the times whenany set a boundary, sometimes I literally
choose not to because the thought ofactually setting a boundary in certain cases,
I'm like that anxiety is just toomuch. I'm just gonna go with it
and just stick to my old wayshere, Like I'll take the internal conflict
(05:15):
and the internal battle of whatever I'llhave to go through instead of how it
will feel to have to bring thisup. That is something that I think
I always I saw those two battlesclearly, and I always chose the one
that would hurt me and just notlike involve anyone else. Yeah, even
though that's it's way worse to dothat because it's long term damage instead of
(05:39):
just like a short term maybe likea day thing of having to bring this
thing up. But yeah, Ithink that's definitely the internal battle. You
always just choose to deal with itall internally and then it just actually never
gets dealt with. Yeah, AndI don't know this if this applies to
you, because I wouldn't consider youto have like control freak tendencies. But
I very much fall in that category. But I've talked with my therapist that
(06:00):
I choose sometimes to internalize it becauseI can at least control how I had
a situation and how I respond toit versus how they might potentially respond,
So that sometimes me just controlling thenarrative, which is super unhealthy. I
think that is true for me aswell to a degree, because you just
it's kind of the unknown that's scary. Yeah, it's like it's predictable.
(06:21):
Yeah, you can just choose todeal with it the way that you know
we's safe. Yeah, you're like, Okay, I know that this is
going to suck for me, butat least I'm the only one dealing with
it, and I know how it'sgoing to suck for me, and I
know you know what I'll have togo through and all of that. Then
bringing in another party where you haveno control over their actions or what they're
gonna say or how they're going tofeel. Yeah, but I think we've
(06:41):
both grown over the years, andI think even having each other and being
able to see situations objectively for eachother. We've been able to like hype
each other up to set boundaries.Yeah, so I feel like we've both
done better in a lot of casesat setting a boundary. Yeah. For
me, I was a chronic peoplepleaser. I would never bring anything up.
(07:02):
I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable, and I just never wanted to
feel like I was correcting someone oranything like that. And I mentioned this
before on I forget which podcast itwas, but I grew up in a
school where it was very like kindof you just didn't you didn't say anything
because you could get jumped, youcould give it up. And I feel
(07:24):
like that's where I learned, likefirst that I needed to just be agreeable
in order to get along with anyone. So I feel like I just carried
that into adulthood and I just neverlearned how to set boundaries. And I
really feel like it's something that youhave to learn, it's something you have
to practice, and it really doesget easier the more you do it and
(07:46):
the more you can implement it,because you feel safer and safer the more
you do it, and you're like, Okay, this isn't a big deal,
and anybody is a big deal too. That's just a major red flag,
which is something huge that I've learnedtoo. Anytime I feel uncomfortable a
boundary, or if I just havethat feeling where I'm like, I know
this person will not respond well tothis, I'm like, Okay, they
need to be out of my life, because why are you reacting negatively to
(08:09):
my boundary? Yeah, And Ithink that's sometimes where it can get really
difficult to recognize, because if you'reconsistently in unhealthy relationships, you don't really
see it happening. So then whenyou start to have healthier relationships and see
people who respect your boundaries without themhaving to be noted, and then you
start to see like, oh,well, this other person is just consistently
(08:31):
taking advantage of man, I didn'teven realize. And I think we've been
able to, like, not thatall of our other friends are shit,
but like we've been able to seethat for each other and be like,
well, that wouldn't upset me,so that shouldn't bother them, Like they
should respect you enough in that case. And so we've been able to like
support each other and validate each other'sfeelings too of like, well that shouldn't
even be a thing, and it'sif it's a thing, then that's their
(08:52):
problem. Yeah, exactly. It'scrazy, like you can really feel it
the moment you're about to bring somethingup with some one and you know they
might not respond in a way,like whether you're canceling plans or a trip
or anything, and you just knowthat they're probably gonna get upset, and
it's like and it's just not nice. My husband has really helped me to
(09:13):
my partner, my partner in crime. He's really helped me recognize it too,
because when we first started dating,I had a friend who just,
I don't want to say like walkedall over me, but definitely pushed the
limit. And he immediately from likeday one that he met her, he
was like, why are you friendswith her? And I was like,
what do you mean? And hejust like pointed out all these things and
I was like, oh, yeah, but that's just like the way it
(09:37):
always was. And he's always likepushed me to like speak up and put
my foot down, and it's alwaysmade me really uncomfortable, and I always
thought it was really mean of him. I'm like, well, I'm not
you Like, I'm not mean.Yeah, And I always just thought he
was kind of mean, and thennow I'm looking back and I'm like,
oh, I wish it was thateasy, because he would just like even
when he's like having a conflict atwork or something like he'll have a client
(10:00):
a parent when he was like coaching, he'd have a parent send him like
an angry text at like nine pm, and he'd be like, yeah,
I'm just gonna deal with that tomorrow. And I'm like, how can you
sleep? Like literally the anxiety literallyit's crazy. How just the different conditioning
between men and women. Well,I think just in general, men are
very aware of when something's their fault. And I say that they can be
(10:24):
very aware when something's their fault,and if it's not their fault, they
aren't bothered. While for us,we're very concerned if someone's uncomfortable, regardless
of whose fault it is, andwe immediately jumped to like how can I
fix this? And I think that'swhy we're just very concerned with like like
reading the room and making sure everyone'scomfy. And I think that's being women,
(10:46):
being empaths, and so I thinklike the thought of someone potentially being
even bothered by us, it's likecan't deal no, And it's definitely,
like we said earlier, just thewhich is a lesser of the two evils,
which one do we want to dealwith? Over like a period of
time, I feel like something that'shelped me a lot is, like I
(11:09):
mentioned, just feeling the energy ofhow someone's going to respond to my boundaries
and that's a huge indicator of whetherI even want them in my life for
me, So I feel like that'shelped me a lot. And being able
to set boundaries is just only allowingpeople I know are going to respect me
and respect my boundaries into my lifealtogether. Because just like, for example,
(11:33):
I had this friend a long timeago who we were supposed to move
in together, and then just somethings started happening and I was like,
you know what, I don't thinkI'm ready for that step with like us
two, and she blew up andit was like this whole thing like we
were in love and we were goingto move together, and I was just
like WHOA, Like this should noteven be a thing. It just just
be like Okay, I totally getit, like you know, that's your
(11:56):
journey. And then recently my boyfriendand I were supposed to move in together,
and I told him like, Idon't know, I'm feeling like this,
and he was just like, oh, yeah, for sure, you
gotta do this best for you.And it's just like okay, Like those
are two completely night and day scenariosof someone respecting your boundaries versus someone kind
of not. Yeah, And Ithink like someone can be let down but
they can still respect you of course. Yeah. And I think like one
(12:20):
thing I've seen in like watching yourgrowth is like you're able to address it
so much sooner too, because Ifeel like we're both as people pleasers and
avoiding the conflict and being anxious aboutthe conflict. We've like both you know,
let it fester sometimes and I feellike I see you now and like
you'll tell me like something's happening,and then you'll like tell me like,
(12:41):
oh and then I said this,and I'm like wow, like you just
nipped it in the butt. Yeah. It's really interesting because in relationships like
my boyfriend's in the past, likemy relationships, my intimate relationships, I'm
very quick. If something bothers me, I'm telling you right then and there.
I'm not afraid to tell a boyanything. And work I'm very I
(13:03):
went up to managers and laid iton them, told them how I feel
all of that. But in femalefriendships, there's something about it where I'm
just like, whatever you want inthis world, babes, like you got
it, it's your world. I'mjust living in it, Like whatever you
want, I'll do anything, LikeI'm not going to bring anything up that
bothers me. And I feel likeit's just it's just so different for some
reason. And I feel like weboth attract people who are takers, yeah,
(13:30):
because people that's what they're looking for. That's what takers are looking for
is people who will basically not careif they don't respect their boundaries. Yeah.
And it's weird because like I don'tthink, like we've talked about this,
like I don't think it's like amalicious agenda. Like I don't think
the people are like literally seeking outYeah, they're not aware of who they
are. Yeah, yeah, becauseI'm like in that case, they're like
evil geniuses. But it's almost likethey just they meet us and then we
(13:56):
keep giving, yeah, and they'relike and they great, yeah, and
they just keep taking and we're justlike Laudie Doll like that we love to
give and we love to nurture.Yeah, but then we never get anything
back, and then we take solong to recognize that, and then they're
just living their best life with ustaking care of them, yeah, seriously.
And then it gets too far downthe road, and then we're too
uncomfortable to say anything, and thenwe recognize that it was our fault for
(14:18):
not even saying anything in the firstplace, and then we have a cycle
of guilt and then we're just toofar in and then we're like, well,
we can't even blame them because herewe are just carrying on doing it.
Yeah. I think people there's peoplewho are naturally more inclined to give
and like have looser boundaries and beand passed and stuff like that, and
people who are a little bit moreopportunistic. And I feel like just those
(14:41):
energies do sometimes just aligned so perfectly, and I think that that situation can
work out for people if it's nottoo far on each end of the spectrum,
you know. But Yeah, itis wild how we've both had so
many friendships that are just like itends up blowing up kind of because it's
not blow up, but just reallynot working out because of those two things
like someone being us being overly giving, but then sometimes the stars align and
(15:07):
look at us to EmPATH people whoare terrible at setting boundaries. Best friends.
Yeah, well honestly, because Iremember I had a friend who asked
me, like, because she knewI was such a people pleas are and
so giving and this and that,and she asked me like, because she
said that she found it hard tolike give me love because I'm such a
giver, and but she knows that, like we have such a healthy,
(15:28):
loving friendship, and she's like,well, how does Shania give you love?
And I was like, I feellike we both are such lovers and
such givers that we do our bestto just give to each other so hard
that even though I feel like I'mconstantly trying to give to you, but
you're constantly trying to give to me. So we are just constantly giving to
each other's Although we're both taking,we are both putting so much intention to
(15:50):
giving, so it does work outreally well. But I do think it's
funny because, like you said,like we've had a lot of friendships where
we do just happen to meet thesetakers, and I feel like we both
spot them so objectively for each otherwhere like we'll be like, oh I
met this new friend blah blah blah, and then I'm like, okay,
well let me scope it out.Oh my god. Yeah, we're like,
(16:10):
I don't want to ring on yourparade, but I feel like this
person is probably not having your bestinterests in mind right now. But it
is funny that whenever it's kind oflike we mentioned with our boyfriends and stuff,
when it's a third party watching it, whenever we're in it, we're
just like, oh, I wantto do this and I want to do
this, and like they're so greatand a lot of the times people like
(16:30):
that that are super opportunistic. Ifeel I can be very charismatic and exciting
and stuff like that, so Ifeel like you can kind of just get
drawn in. That's my downfall isif someone's charismatic. Yeah, I love
charism my moment, I'm all in, like I'm sold. I'm planning our
wedding like it's so it's so bad, and I'm like, because I just
(16:52):
see it, and I feel likethat's where I go go really blindly into
relationship. Is like I feel likeI'm so considerate that I almost think,
how could they possibly do that?Like you just can't logically make sense of
somebody taking advantage because we would neverYeah. So then you're sitting there like,
oh, there's no way they're doingthat because why would they? And
my husband, like being a boyand being English and the English are a
(17:17):
bit more cynical. He's like,because people don't care, like people don't
think about others like people think aboutthemselves. People are selfish. And he's
always like trying to bring me backto reality. And he's like, they're
not thinking about you, And I'mlike, but how could they? Yeah,
And it's true, they probably,like we mentioned, they're probably not
evil geniuses plotting our downfall, plottinghow to take everything from us. But
I really just believe that some peopleare just wired to put themselves first,
(17:41):
probably from like a I don't knowwhat is a word evolution standpoint, that's
probably survival survival mode, what youknow, they grew up having to do,
or like the trauma that's been passeddown to them from their ancestors or
some shit like. That's probably notsomething that they're intentionally doing. It's probably
just hardwired into them from their ownstuff. So it is your own your
(18:03):
own protection, are your own responsibility, that's the word, your own responsibility.
Just kind of set boundaries yourself becauseyou just never know what kind of
stuff someone else that's going on.Yeah, And that's basically one of the
things that I've learned as I've grownand like to set boundaries is like kind
of how to scope out a situation. I guess, yeah, because like
I said, like charisma and asweet voice and energy, like, yeah,
(18:27):
those all get me. And soI've tried to be more objective and
looking at, Okay, why isthis person friends with me? Like are
they gaining something from me? Dothey need me? Like what is the
deal here? Or like are theyjust genuinely interested in me? And so
I try to really objectively look atlike the introduction and the friendship and like
what is coming from the friendship.And so now I'm able to see like,
(18:49):
Okay, well I've been able todo this, this, and this
for her, And it doesn't haveto be like what do I get,
because that's not what friendship is.But I do think it needs to be
a balance of like am I justdoing a ton of ship for this person?
No? But I think as shallowas it sounds, and as weird
as it sounds to look at itthis way. I really think that every
(19:11):
relationship in your life is a giventake in some way. So in some
form or fashion, you have tobe getting something from someone else, whether
that's you know, basically many therapysessions or ranting sessions, or you're getting
affection, you're getting experiences they liketo do, fun things like you have
to be receiving and giving simultaneously withanybody, I think in your life for
(19:37):
it to be balanced. Yeah,So I think it's fair to be like,
Okay, what am I getting outof this friendship relationship? And sometimes
it's gonna not be fifty fifty,might be like thirty seventy or whatever,
but as long as it evens outat the end of the day, yeah,
And I think you'll feel that.And I think, like, that's
the feeling I've ignored in a lotof friendships. It's like, I'll know
(19:59):
I'm just giving given giving, Andthen if I were in a position where
I needed a friend but I didn'tfeel comfortable going to them, it's like,
well that's very telling. It's likeif they're if you're their go too.
Why are you not going to them? You know? Yeah? I
saw like a quote on Instagram theother day that said, like if you're
everyone's go too, but these aren'tpeople you would ever go to, Like
there's a problem. Yeah, onehundred percent. I've met so many people
(20:25):
that they never ask about me,like how I'm doing, what's going on
in my life, and it's alwaysjust like a dump on me. And
I feel like that's very easy forsome people to do to me, just
because I'm so like interested and Itry to be so like empathetic and like
you know what's going on, likeand it also part of me doesn't really
love to talk about myself and openup, so but then it always shows
me like if someone cares, ifthey like want to ask more and dig
(20:49):
deeper. Yeah, And I thinkI have noticed a lot with business,
and that's where I really struggle tomake boundaries because and that's where I found
that I was of people pleaser tomy core, because in business I started
to get walked all over and likeit's one thing in friendships, but in
business it really started to affect myfinances and if my business affect on my
(21:11):
team, and it really had likea more apparent effect. Yeah, of
course your workload. I'm sure yourworkload was way more because you weren't setting
boundaries. And as a people pleaser, it's one thing for me to take
on the heat myself, but whenI start to see it affecting my team
and my clients, like that suckedeven more. And so that's where it
really made me want to fix it. But I would notice people in the
(21:34):
network and like on Instagram and like, just because that's what networking is these
days, there'd be people who wouldlike kind of reach out to me and
be like, oh, how areyou doing? And then they turn around
be like, oh, well,I was actually really needing a photoshoot and
can we get coffee? And youjust give me like a two hour yeah,
business consultation please literally, And Iget a lot of that and like
that's fine, like shoot your shot. But to me, I'm almost like,
(21:57):
don't don't try and make this seemlike what it's not like you're not
trying to be friends with me,You're asking me to consult you. So
just be straight up and be like, hey, I like what you're doing.
Can we get coffee? And canI ask you a couple of questions.
Don't sit here and be like how'syour family, how's your dog?
And you tell me how to starta business? Like and so I feel
like to me, I'm very liketriggered when people are like how are you
(22:19):
doing, I'm like, why whatdo you want? Because there is a
reason, there's always a reason thatyou're you're coming to me, especially when
it's like on the internet out ofnowhere. Yeah. And I had this
same thing mostly for men, beinglike in the bartending industry and all of
that. They're always trying to findan angle with work so that you need
them or you think you need them, or that you have to reach out
(22:41):
to them for something, or theyhave a reason to get your number.
It's not just like, oh Ithink you're hot, I'm trying to shoot
my shot. Yeah, Like noone's genuinely ever, like like rarely people
were just like how are you?Yeah, like other than a therapist,
like yeah, exactly, unless youknow someone's true intentions and you know them
on a level and they're coming toyou like how is this? How is
(23:02):
this? How is this? It'skind of like, Okay, what's the
angle? Just tell me what youwant? Yeah, And I feel like
that's what annoys me, is like, just be straight up, like,
don't I don't want to have allthis, Like, don't waste my time
trying to convince me that you're myfriend just to ask me for a favor,
Like, just ask me for thefavor. Yeah, I feel like
it'll come across so much better andit's just more I will I'll respect you
more. I'll be like, okay, you know it's a yes or no,
(23:23):
and that we can wipe our handsmove along. Yeah. But that
being said, like that's something thatbecause that's what I want out of interactions,
that's something that I've tried to giveout and that's helped me set boundaries
as well, and so in businessand in relationships, I feel like just
setting the precedent early and just acknowledginglike, okay, this is what you
(23:45):
can kind of expect, Like Iguess managing expectations out the gate has really
helped me then come back and referencethem. And so, like it started
kind of in business where like I'llset the boundaries really firmly, like in
a contract for example, and thenand if a client starts to cross those
boundaries, it made it so mucheasier for me to like reinforce them see
(24:07):
section A. Yeah, literally,I would just turn around and it almost
made it feel like I wasn't settingthe boundary. It was the contract setting
the boundary, and then I couldbe like, well, per our contract.
And that made it so much easier. And so I started to kind
of apply that to real life.So if I had a commitment or something,
I could say like, Okay,well you know, I plan to
come, but if something comes upor whatever. So now I can much
(24:30):
easier set that. And I feellike you can kind of apply that to
anything where if you kind of setthe expectation early, you can reference it
later. And like I mean,I just feel like you're kind of setting
yourself up with a little bit ofcushion exactly. And like you said,
it's like practice. So like nowI can very firmly tell a client like
sorry, no, and like nois now a complete sentence in business.
I still struggle in my real life, but I feel like that's really helped
(24:53):
for me. Yeah, and Iread a quote once. I love a
good quote. Sorry, I knowthere's so cheese, but it was like,
whenever you set a boundary, youare actually doing the other person a
favor because you're now making that anormal thing and y'all's relationship where they're going
to feel more comfortable coming to youand setting a boundary because they know that's
this is a place where that happensand stuff like that. So it just
(25:15):
makes it more normalized. Yeah,I say that all the time, that
it kind of levels the playing field. I think you might be the one
who quoting Are you quoting me?Vali is like an author I don't know,
knew I've heard this quote from Valarisioand putting up my Instagram by it.
No, but literally I feel likeit does. I feel like in
business again, like that's kind ofwhere I got it because I work with
so many women, and I feellike women were uncomfortable setting the boundaries.
(25:38):
So then I would have like girlson my team not feeling comfortable telling me
as their boss that I was likeoverstepping, and then they would, you
know, overdo it themselves, andthen we'd end up in a bond and
it was just a ripple effective everyonejust overcompensating and all these different things in
situations. And so I felt likeas soon as I started setting boundaries,
my team felt more comfortable setting boundariesand my clients feel more comfortable. So
(26:00):
then it was just everyone was beinga lot more direct and clear and there
was just more clarity and clear communicationacross the board. And so with friendships,
I feel like when like I thinkthe first time like you ever kind
of put your foot down like withus and you were just like, hey,
like this made me feel a typeof way, I was like,
Okay, So if anything ever botheredme, I feel safe saying something because
you did, Yeah exactly. Itjust opens up the space for that to
(26:23):
be a thing that happens here.One hundred percent. I think it's so
important. I think, honestly,that's the biggest tip I have for if
anyone who's a people pleaser and likestruggling with setting boundaries is as much anxiety
as it's going to give you,especially if it's one of your first times
doing it, and it's going togive you anxiety. If you're a people
(26:45):
pleaser, to set a boundary,like take that day to feel the anxiousness,
you know, communicate that boundary howeveryou want. For me, I
love a good text message because Ican really think about what I'm gonna say
and make sure it doesn't sound bad, and we don't have to have like
an ongoing conversation about it. Ican just like type it out and be
like, you know, the soundfeeling, and just allow yourself to feel
(27:07):
that way and don't take those anxiousfeelings as this is something I shouldn't do.
But just know that over time,once you practice that, it's going
to get easier and easier, andyou're gonna be able to set boundaries without
feeling that way eventually. And Ithink to add to that, like I
think it's okay to acknowledge that it'suncomfortable to set your own boundary. Like
I think if you're having to tellsomeone like, hey, this made me
(27:29):
feel uncomfortable, let them know,like, hey, I am not comfortable
bringing this up and it makes mereally anxious to have to address this,
but I know it's important, andlike I think that's going to help them
recognize, like this is really uncomfortablefor you, like give me a break,
and anybody who cares about you isgoing to care, and if they
don't, then that's really in itselftelling. Yeah, definitely, that's one
(27:52):
of I think I mentioned earlier,Like those two are my biggest tips.
It's just how you feel the personis going to receive that, what your
gut is telling you, and howthey do respond to that's just majorly like.
And that's why you should always setboundaries because at the end of the
day, it's going to be amajor win. If you do set a
boundary and the person responds negatively,you can be like, Okay, cool,
now you showed me who you are. I don't have to. I
(28:14):
don't want people like that in mylife that don't want me to feel comfortable
in any space that I'm in,or want me to do things that I
really don't want to do, orwant me want to continue treating me away.
I don't like. Yeah, Isaw. There is that one quote
that says something like, as soonas you start sending boundaries, you'll find
the people who benefited from your lackof boundaries. True. So true,
drops Mike, drops freaking mic.So basically, set your boundaries. People.
(28:40):
We're here for you, we supportyou, we believe in you.
You got this. You know,you might have the shakes through it,
you might have the jitters through it, but do it anyway. We're all
recovering people fousers together. Carry it, girl,
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shanaya. I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hot Girls
(00:21):
Cry Podcast. Hi everyone, welcomeback to the Hot Girl Skry Podcast.
(00:41):
Thanks for listening. Let's start offwith our gratefuls that would be grateful for.
I am grateful for the new clientsthat my company just signed and my
wonderful team. They have been reallystepping up the past couple of weeks,
and I'm just so grateful to havesuch wonderful women to work with period.
(01:02):
Y'all. Just I just have totell them who you sign, because it's
that will freaking my jaw literally drop. She signed someone who does polaroid aura
readings as a marketing client for socialsocial media, which is VOS business what
you guys, probably, I don'tknow, but they basically take a polaroid
of you and then it shows youthe color of your aura and then they
do like a full spiritual life readingaudio Yeah, it's really cool. Obviously,
(01:26):
I'm just like learning about the brand. But they go to like events
and stuff and do it and theywork with a lot of like they've worked
like with Fossil and stuff like that. But it's really cool. We're really
excited about it. I'm grateful fornew opportunities because I toured a bunch of
apartment yesterday and saw just a bunchof future possibilities. And we love a
fresh start, a fresh place,new home decore. We don't love a
(01:49):
new apartment, we really do.I feel like moving is like one of
your hobbies. It really is.It's it's my niche. Moving is my
niche. I got a message onetime though, it was like, girl,
you move more than a military family. And fair. That's fair.
I really do. But yeah,today we're gonna be talking about a subject
that is near and dear to bothof our hearts, people pleasing and setting
(02:13):
boundaries. We are both professional peoplepleasers. Yes, not not my finest
attribute, but definitely one of therealist It's been a really big struggle for
me in my whole life, andI feel like I didn't even realize that
I was a people pleaser or thatthat was even a thing until I was
like twenty two. Yeah. Ithink in general, we grow up not
(02:37):
seeing it as a bad thing,especially as women. I think we're taught
that it's a good thing and thatpeople pleasing is you being kind, you
being accommodating, and we see itas like, oh, she's the go
too. Yeah, And then asyou get older and the more you get
walked on and the more you getdrained from relationships, you start to see
(02:57):
like, oh, this shit sucksone hundred percent. I think society conditions
women to have at least a littlebit of people pleasing in every single one
of us. Like that's just alreadygoing to be a thing. If you're
a woman, you probably have hadsome people pleasing conditioned into you by society
for sure. Like, I don'tthink there's many men who would consider themselves
to be people please. Oh mygod, no, Like every boyfriend I've
(03:21):
ever had, they're just like,why don't you just tell her? Like
yeah, just say no. I'mlike you can't just do that, Like
what do you mean say no?Like, yeah, excuse me, that's
not a thing. And I think, honestly it's part of women's nature too.
I think we deep things a lotmore than men do. Like if
I say no to something that youwant to do, then you think that
(03:44):
I don't like you in this way, or like it can kind of spiral
for women quickly, and I thinkwe know that about each other. So
we're a lot more careful about people'sfeelings, just as women in general,
because we know how our feelings are. Yeah. Like, I think we're
just much more considerate of the aftermathsetting a boundary, and so it's not
just setting a boundary, it's like, but how will this setting a boundary
(04:06):
make them feel? And then howis that going to affect our friendship and
our relationship in the future when thatstill is us considering their feelings over our
own. Yeah, so even thatconsideration is still people pleasing. Yeah,
but like we're really trying to justifyit. No. I think that's the
hardest part about setting a boundary andnot people pleasing, is putting your own
(04:30):
needs before how anything will make anyoneelse feel, because how they feel about
your boundary is just not your business, you know. Yeah. And I
think when you've people pleased for solong and you get into adulthood and it's
something that you do and that's howyou handle confrontation. It's how you've just
like managed friendships and relationships. Ithink it's almost more comfortable to people please
(04:53):
than it is to set a boundary. And so although like even now,
I'm very aware of the times whenany set a boundary, sometimes I literally
choose not to because the thought ofactually setting a boundary in certain cases,
I'm like that anxiety is just toomuch. I'm just gonna go with it
and just stick to my old wayshere, Like I'll take the internal conflict
(05:15):
and the internal battle of whatever I'llhave to go through instead of how it
will feel to have to bring thisup. That is something that I think
I always I saw those two battlesclearly, and I always chose the one
that would hurt me and just notlike involve anyone else. Yeah, even
though that's it's way worse to dothat because it's long term damage instead of
(05:39):
just like a short term maybe likea day thing of having to bring this
thing up. But yeah, Ithink that's definitely the internal battle. You
always just choose to deal with itall internally and then it just actually never
gets dealt with. Yeah, AndI don't know this if this applies to
you, because I wouldn't consider youto have like control freak tendencies. But
I very much fall in that category. But I've talked with my therapist that
(06:00):
I choose sometimes to internalize it becauseI can at least control how I had
a situation and how I respond toit versus how they might potentially respond,
So that sometimes me just controlling thenarrative, which is super unhealthy. I
think that is true for me aswell to a degree, because you just
it's kind of the unknown that's scary. Yeah, it's like it's predictable.
(06:21):
Yeah, you can just choose todeal with it the way that you know
we's safe. Yeah, you're like, Okay, I know that this is
going to suck for me, butat least I'm the only one dealing with
it, and I know how it'sgoing to suck for me, and I
know you know what I'll have togo through and all of that. Then
bringing in another party where you haveno control over their actions or what they're
gonna say or how they're going tofeel. Yeah, but I think we've
(06:41):
both grown over the years, andI think even having each other and being
able to see situations objectively for eachother. We've been able to like hype
each other up to set boundaries.Yeah, so I feel like we've both
done better in a lot of casesat setting a boundary. Yeah. For
me, I was a chronic peoplepleaser. I would never bring anything up.
(07:02):
I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable, and I just never wanted to
feel like I was correcting someone oranything like that. And I mentioned this
before on I forget which podcast itwas, but I grew up in a
school where it was very like kindof you just didn't you didn't say anything
because you could get jumped, youcould give it up. And I feel
(07:24):
like that's where I learned, likefirst that I needed to just be agreeable
in order to get along with anyone. So I feel like I just carried
that into adulthood and I just neverlearned how to set boundaries. And I
really feel like it's something that youhave to learn, it's something you have
to practice, and it really doesget easier the more you do it and
(07:46):
the more you can implement it,because you feel safer and safer the more
you do it, and you're like, Okay, this isn't a big deal,
and anybody is a big deal too. That's just a major red flag,
which is something huge that I've learnedtoo. Anytime I feel uncomfortable a
boundary, or if I just havethat feeling where I'm like, I know
this person will not respond well tothis, I'm like, Okay, they
need to be out of my life, because why are you reacting negatively to
(08:09):
my boundary? Yeah, And Ithink that's sometimes where it can get really
difficult to recognize, because if you'reconsistently in unhealthy relationships, you don't really
see it happening. So then whenyou start to have healthier relationships and see
people who respect your boundaries without themhaving to be noted, and then you
start to see like, oh,well, this other person is just consistently
(08:31):
taking advantage of man, I didn'teven realize. And I think we've been
able to, like, not thatall of our other friends are shit,
but like we've been able to seethat for each other and be like,
well, that wouldn't upset me,so that shouldn't bother them, Like they
should respect you enough in that case. And so we've been able to like
support each other and validate each other'sfeelings too of like, well that shouldn't
even be a thing, and it'sif it's a thing, then that's their
(08:52):
problem. Yeah, exactly. It'scrazy, like you can really feel it
the moment you're about to bring somethingup with some one and you know they
might not respond in a way,like whether you're canceling plans or a trip
or anything, and you just knowthat they're probably gonna get upset, and
it's like and it's just not nice. My husband has really helped me to
(09:13):
my partner, my partner in crime. He's really helped me recognize it too,
because when we first started dating,I had a friend who just,
I don't want to say like walkedall over me, but definitely pushed the
limit. And he immediately from likeday one that he met her, he
was like, why are you friendswith her? And I was like,
what do you mean? And hejust like pointed out all these things and
I was like, oh, yeah, but that's just like the way it
(09:37):
always was. And he's always likepushed me to like speak up and put
my foot down, and it's alwaysmade me really uncomfortable, and I always
thought it was really mean of him. I'm like, well, I'm not
you Like, I'm not mean.Yeah, And I always just thought he
was kind of mean, and thennow I'm looking back and I'm like,
oh, I wish it was thateasy, because he would just like even
when he's like having a conflict atwork or something like he'll have a client
(10:00):
a parent when he was like coaching, he'd have a parent send him like
an angry text at like nine pm, and he'd be like, yeah,
I'm just gonna deal with that tomorrow. And I'm like, how can you
sleep? Like literally the anxiety literallyit's crazy. How just the different conditioning
between men and women. Well,I think just in general, men are
very aware of when something's their fault. And I say that they can be
(10:24):
very aware when something's their fault,and if it's not their fault, they
aren't bothered. While for us,we're very concerned if someone's uncomfortable, regardless
of whose fault it is, andwe immediately jumped to like how can I
fix this? And I think that'swhy we're just very concerned with like like
reading the room and making sure everyone'scomfy. And I think that's being women,
(10:46):
being empaths, and so I thinklike the thought of someone potentially being
even bothered by us, it's likecan't deal no, And it's definitely,
like we said earlier, just thewhich is a lesser of the two evils,
which one do we want to dealwith? Over like a period of
time, I feel like something that'shelped me a lot is, like I
(11:09):
mentioned, just feeling the energy ofhow someone's going to respond to my boundaries
and that's a huge indicator of whetherI even want them in my life for
me, So I feel like that'shelped me a lot. And being able
to set boundaries is just only allowingpeople I know are going to respect me
and respect my boundaries into my lifealtogether. Because just like, for example,
(11:33):
I had this friend a long timeago who we were supposed to move
in together, and then just somethings started happening and I was like,
you know what, I don't thinkI'm ready for that step with like us
two, and she blew up andit was like this whole thing like we
were in love and we were goingto move together, and I was just
like WHOA, Like this should noteven be a thing. It just just
be like Okay, I totally getit, like you know, that's your
(11:56):
journey. And then recently my boyfriendand I were supposed to move in together,
and I told him like, Idon't know, I'm feeling like this,
and he was just like, oh, yeah, for sure, you
gotta do this best for you.And it's just like okay, Like those
are two completely night and day scenariosof someone respecting your boundaries versus someone kind
of not. Yeah, And Ithink like someone can be let down but
they can still respect you of course. Yeah. And I think like one
(12:20):
thing I've seen in like watching yourgrowth is like you're able to address it
so much sooner too, because Ifeel like we're both as people pleasers and
avoiding the conflict and being anxious aboutthe conflict. We've like both you know,
let it fester sometimes and I feellike I see you now and like
you'll tell me like something's happening,and then you'll like tell me like,
(12:41):
oh and then I said this,and I'm like wow, like you just
nipped it in the butt. Yeah. It's really interesting because in relationships like
my boyfriend's in the past, likemy relationships, my intimate relationships, I'm
very quick. If something bothers me, I'm telling you right then and there.
I'm not afraid to tell a boyanything. And work I'm very I
(13:03):
went up to managers and laid iton them, told them how I feel
all of that. But in femalefriendships, there's something about it where I'm
just like, whatever you want inthis world, babes, like you got
it, it's your world. I'mjust living in it, Like whatever you
want, I'll do anything, LikeI'm not going to bring anything up that
bothers me. And I feel likeit's just it's just so different for some
reason. And I feel like weboth attract people who are takers, yeah,
(13:30):
because people that's what they're looking for. That's what takers are looking for
is people who will basically not careif they don't respect their boundaries. Yeah.
And it's weird because like I don'tthink, like we've talked about this,
like I don't think it's like amalicious agenda. Like I don't think
the people are like literally seeking outYeah, they're not aware of who they
are. Yeah, yeah, becauseI'm like in that case, they're like
evil geniuses. But it's almost likethey just they meet us and then we
(13:56):
keep giving, yeah, and they'relike and they great, yeah, and
they just keep taking and we're justlike Laudie Doll like that we love to
give and we love to nurture.Yeah, but then we never get anything
back, and then we take solong to recognize that, and then they're
just living their best life with ustaking care of them, yeah, seriously.
And then it gets too far downthe road, and then we're too
uncomfortable to say anything, and thenwe recognize that it was our fault for
(14:18):
not even saying anything in the firstplace, and then we have a cycle
of guilt and then we're just toofar in and then we're like, well,
we can't even blame them because herewe are just carrying on doing it.
Yeah. I think people there's peoplewho are naturally more inclined to give
and like have looser boundaries and beand passed and stuff like that, and
people who are a little bit moreopportunistic. And I feel like just those
(14:41):
energies do sometimes just aligned so perfectly, and I think that that situation can
work out for people if it's nottoo far on each end of the spectrum,
you know. But Yeah, itis wild how we've both had so
many friendships that are just like itends up blowing up kind of because it's
not blow up, but just reallynot working out because of those two things
like someone being us being overly giving, but then sometimes the stars align and
(15:07):
look at us to EmPATH people whoare terrible at setting boundaries. Best friends.
Yeah, well honestly, because Iremember I had a friend who asked
me, like, because she knewI was such a people pleas are and
so giving and this and that,and she asked me like, because she
said that she found it hard tolike give me love because I'm such a
giver, and but she knows that, like we have such a healthy,
(15:28):
loving friendship, and she's like,well, how does Shania give you love?
And I was like, I feellike we both are such lovers and
such givers that we do our bestto just give to each other so hard
that even though I feel like I'mconstantly trying to give to you, but
you're constantly trying to give to me. So we are just constantly giving to
each other's Although we're both taking,we are both putting so much intention to
(15:50):
giving, so it does work outreally well. But I do think it's
funny because, like you said,like we've had a lot of friendships where
we do just happen to meet thesetakers, and I feel like we both
spot them so objectively for each otherwhere like we'll be like, oh I
met this new friend blah blah blah, and then I'm like, okay,
well let me scope it out.Oh my god. Yeah, we're like,
(16:10):
I don't want to ring on yourparade, but I feel like this
person is probably not having your bestinterests in mind right now. But it
is funny that whenever it's kind oflike we mentioned with our boyfriends and stuff,
when it's a third party watching it, whenever we're in it, we're
just like, oh, I wantto do this and I want to do
this, and like they're so greatand a lot of the times people like
(16:30):
that that are super opportunistic. Ifeel I can be very charismatic and exciting
and stuff like that, so Ifeel like you can kind of just get
drawn in. That's my downfall isif someone's charismatic. Yeah, I love
charism my moment, I'm all in, like I'm sold. I'm planning our
wedding like it's so it's so bad, and I'm like, because I just
(16:52):
see it, and I feel likethat's where I go go really blindly into
relationship. Is like I feel likeI'm so considerate that I almost think,
how could they possibly do that?Like you just can't logically make sense of
somebody taking advantage because we would neverYeah. So then you're sitting there like,
oh, there's no way they're doingthat because why would they? And
my husband, like being a boyand being English and the English are a
(17:17):
bit more cynical. He's like,because people don't care, like people don't
think about others like people think aboutthemselves. People are selfish. And he's
always like trying to bring me backto reality. And he's like, they're
not thinking about you, And I'mlike, but how could they? Yeah,
And it's true, they probably,like we mentioned, they're probably not
evil geniuses plotting our downfall, plottinghow to take everything from us. But
I really just believe that some peopleare just wired to put themselves first,
(17:41):
probably from like a I don't knowwhat is a word evolution standpoint, that's
probably survival survival mode, what youknow, they grew up having to do,
or like the trauma that's been passeddown to them from their ancestors or
some shit like. That's probably notsomething that they're intentionally doing. It's probably
just hardwired into them from their ownstuff. So it is your own your
(18:03):
own protection, are your own responsibility, that's the word, your own responsibility.
Just kind of set boundaries yourself becauseyou just never know what kind of
stuff someone else that's going on.Yeah, And that's basically one of the
things that I've learned as I've grownand like to set boundaries is like kind
of how to scope out a situation. I guess, yeah, because like
I said, like charisma and asweet voice and energy, like, yeah,
(18:27):
those all get me. And soI've tried to be more objective and
looking at, Okay, why isthis person friends with me? Like are
they gaining something from me? Dothey need me? Like what is the
deal here? Or like are theyjust genuinely interested in me? And so
I try to really objectively look atlike the introduction and the friendship and like
what is coming from the friendship.And so now I'm able to see like,
(18:49):
Okay, well I've been able todo this, this, and this
for her, And it doesn't haveto be like what do I get,
because that's not what friendship is.But I do think it needs to be
a balance of like am I justdoing a ton of ship for this person?
No? But I think as shallowas it sounds, and as weird
as it sounds to look at itthis way. I really think that every
(19:11):
relationship in your life is a giventake in some way. So in some
form or fashion, you have tobe getting something from someone else, whether
that's you know, basically many therapysessions or ranting sessions, or you're getting
affection, you're getting experiences they liketo do, fun things like you have
to be receiving and giving simultaneously withanybody, I think in your life for
(19:37):
it to be balanced. Yeah,So I think it's fair to be like,
Okay, what am I getting outof this friendship relationship? And sometimes
it's gonna not be fifty fifty,might be like thirty seventy or whatever,
but as long as it evens outat the end of the day, yeah,
And I think you'll feel that.And I think, like, that's
the feeling I've ignored in a lotof friendships. It's like, I'll know
(19:59):
I'm just giving given giving, Andthen if I were in a position where
I needed a friend but I didn'tfeel comfortable going to them, it's like,
well that's very telling. It's likeif they're if you're their go too.
Why are you not going to them? You know? Yeah? I
saw like a quote on Instagram theother day that said, like if you're
everyone's go too, but these aren'tpeople you would ever go to, Like
there's a problem. Yeah, onehundred percent. I've met so many people
(20:25):
that they never ask about me,like how I'm doing, what's going on
in my life, and it's alwaysjust like a dump on me. And
I feel like that's very easy forsome people to do to me, just
because I'm so like interested and Itry to be so like empathetic and like
you know what's going on, likeand it also part of me doesn't really
love to talk about myself and openup, so but then it always shows
me like if someone cares, ifthey like want to ask more and dig
(20:49):
deeper. Yeah, And I thinkI have noticed a lot with business,
and that's where I really struggle tomake boundaries because and that's where I found
that I was of people pleaser tomy core, because in business I started
to get walked all over and likeit's one thing in friendships, but in
business it really started to affect myfinances and if my business affect on my
(21:11):
team, and it really had likea more apparent effect. Yeah, of
course your workload. I'm sure yourworkload was way more because you weren't setting
boundaries. And as a people pleaser, it's one thing for me to take
on the heat myself, but whenI start to see it affecting my team
and my clients, like that suckedeven more. And so that's where it
really made me want to fix it. But I would notice people in the
(21:34):
network and like on Instagram and like, just because that's what networking is these
days, there'd be people who wouldlike kind of reach out to me and
be like, oh, how areyou doing? And then they turn around
be like, oh, well,I was actually really needing a photoshoot and
can we get coffee? And youjust give me like a two hour yeah,
business consultation please literally, And Iget a lot of that and like
that's fine, like shoot your shot. But to me, I'm almost like,
(21:57):
don't don't try and make this seemlike what it's not like you're not
trying to be friends with me,You're asking me to consult you. So
just be straight up and be like, hey, I like what you're doing.
Can we get coffee? And canI ask you a couple of questions.
Don't sit here and be like how'syour family, how's your dog?
And you tell me how to starta business? Like and so I feel
like to me, I'm very liketriggered when people are like how are you
(22:19):
doing, I'm like, why whatdo you want? Because there is a
reason, there's always a reason thatyou're you're coming to me, especially when
it's like on the internet out ofnowhere. Yeah. And I had this
same thing mostly for men, beinglike in the bartending industry and all of
that. They're always trying to findan angle with work so that you need
them or you think you need them, or that you have to reach out
(22:41):
to them for something, or theyhave a reason to get your number.
It's not just like, oh Ithink you're hot, I'm trying to shoot
my shot. Yeah, Like noone's genuinely ever, like like rarely people
were just like how are you?Yeah, like other than a therapist,
like yeah, exactly, unless youknow someone's true intentions and you know them
on a level and they're coming toyou like how is this? How is
(23:02):
this? How is this? It'skind of like, Okay, what's the
angle? Just tell me what youwant? Yeah, And I feel like
that's what annoys me, is like, just be straight up, like,
don't I don't want to have allthis, Like, don't waste my time
trying to convince me that you're myfriend just to ask me for a favor,
Like, just ask me for thefavor. Yeah, I feel like
it'll come across so much better andit's just more I will I'll respect you
more. I'll be like, okay, you know it's a yes or no,
(23:23):
and that we can wipe our handsmove along. Yeah. But that
being said, like that's something thatbecause that's what I want out of interactions,
that's something that I've tried to giveout and that's helped me set boundaries
as well, and so in businessand in relationships, I feel like just
setting the precedent early and just acknowledginglike, okay, this is what you
(23:45):
can kind of expect, Like Iguess managing expectations out the gate has really
helped me then come back and referencethem. And so, like it started
kind of in business where like I'llset the boundaries really firmly, like in
a contract for example, and thenand if a client starts to cross those
boundaries, it made it so mucheasier for me to like reinforce them see
(24:07):
section A. Yeah, literally,I would just turn around and it almost
made it feel like I wasn't settingthe boundary. It was the contract setting
the boundary, and then I couldbe like, well, per our contract.
And that made it so much easier. And so I started to kind
of apply that to real life.So if I had a commitment or something,
I could say like, Okay,well you know, I plan to
come, but if something comes upor whatever. So now I can much
(24:30):
easier set that. And I feellike you can kind of apply that to
anything where if you kind of setthe expectation early, you can reference it
later. And like I mean,I just feel like you're kind of setting
yourself up with a little bit ofcushion exactly. And like you said,
it's like practice. So like nowI can very firmly tell a client like
sorry, no, and like nois now a complete sentence in business.
I still struggle in my real life, but I feel like that's really helped
(24:53):
for me. Yeah, and Iread a quote once. I love a
good quote. Sorry, I knowthere's so cheese, but it was like,
whenever you set a boundary, youare actually doing the other person a
favor because you're now making that anormal thing and y'all's relationship where they're going
to feel more comfortable coming to youand setting a boundary because they know that's
this is a place where that happensand stuff like that. So it just
(25:15):
makes it more normalized. Yeah,I say that all the time, that
it kind of levels the playing field. I think you might be the one
who quoting Are you quoting me?Vali is like an author I don't know,
knew I've heard this quote from Valarisioand putting up my Instagram by it.
No, but literally I feel likeit does. I feel like in
business again, like that's kind ofwhere I got it because I work with
so many women, and I feellike women were uncomfortable setting the boundaries.
(25:38):
So then I would have like girlson my team not feeling comfortable telling me
as their boss that I was likeoverstepping, and then they would, you
know, overdo it themselves, andthen we'd end up in a bond and
it was just a ripple effective everyonejust overcompensating and all these different things in
situations. And so I felt likeas soon as I started setting boundaries,
my team felt more comfortable setting boundariesand my clients feel more comfortable. So
(26:00):
then it was just everyone was beinga lot more direct and clear and there
was just more clarity and clear communicationacross the board. And so with friendships,
I feel like when like I thinkthe first time like you ever kind
of put your foot down like withus and you were just like, hey,
like this made me feel a typeof way, I was like,
Okay, So if anything ever botheredme, I feel safe saying something because
you did, Yeah exactly. Itjust opens up the space for that to
(26:23):
be a thing that happens here.One hundred percent. I think it's so
important. I think, honestly,that's the biggest tip I have for if
anyone who's a people pleaser and likestruggling with setting boundaries is as much anxiety
as it's going to give you,especially if it's one of your first times
doing it, and it's going togive you anxiety. If you're a people
(26:45):
pleaser, to set a boundary,like take that day to feel the anxiousness,
you know, communicate that boundary howeveryou want. For me, I
love a good text message because Ican really think about what I'm gonna say
and make sure it doesn't sound bad, and we don't have to have like
an ongoing conversation about it. Ican just like type it out and be
like, you know, the soundfeeling, and just allow yourself to feel
(27:07):
that way and don't take those anxiousfeelings as this is something I shouldn't do.
But just know that over time,once you practice that, it's going
to get easier and easier, andyou're gonna be able to set boundaries without
feeling that way eventually. And Ithink to add to that, like I
think it's okay to acknowledge that it'suncomfortable to set your own boundary. Like
I think if you're having to tellsomeone like, hey, this made me
(27:29):
feel uncomfortable, let them know,like, hey, I am not comfortable
bringing this up and it makes mereally anxious to have to address this,
but I know it's important, andlike I think that's going to help them
recognize, like this is really uncomfortablefor you, like give me a break,
and anybody who cares about you isgoing to care, and if they
don't, then that's really in itselftelling. Yeah, definitely, that's one
(27:52):
of I think I mentioned earlier,Like those two are my biggest tips.
It's just how you feel the personis going to receive that, what your
gut is telling you, and howthey do respond to that's just majorly like.
And that's why you should always setboundaries because at the end of the
day, it's going to be amajor win. If you do set a
boundary and the person responds negatively,you can be like, Okay, cool,
now you showed me who you are. I don't have to. I
(28:14):
don't want people like that in mylife that don't want me to feel comfortable
in any space that I'm in,or want me to do things that I
really don't want to do, orwant me want to continue treating me away.
I don't like. Yeah, Isaw. There is that one quote
that says something like, as soonas you start sending boundaries, you'll find
the people who benefited from your lackof boundaries. True. So true,
drops Mike, drops freaking mic.So basically, set your boundaries. People.
(28:40):
We're here for you, we supportyou, we believe in you.
You got this. You know,you might have the shakes through it,
you might have the jitters through it, but do it anyway. We're all
recovering people fousers together. Carry it, girl,
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