EP #9: Overcoming Overthinking with Therapist Monica Denais

This weeks episode... we have our very first guest! What a lovely first guest she is. This episode is so insightful, we really touch base on what its like to live in 2023. Hustle culture, comparison, the never ending to dos. Grab a drink and strap in!




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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This week, a hot new bombshellenters the villa. I'm Shaya, I'm
a content creator and a manic moneyspender. I'm Valerie. I'm a serial
entrepreneur and recovering perfectionists. We're hereto bring you life in wellness, tips,
tricks and hacks from experts and ourpersonal experiences. This is the Hawk

(00:20):
Girls Cry Podcast. We are soexcited to have our very first guest on
the podcast. You guys know,mental health is so important to us,

(00:42):
so we had to bring on atherapist, not just any therapist. A
Latina entrepreneur, podcast host, andYouTuber. Monica Dnais is a Latina licensed
professional counselor in Dallas, Texas whospecializes in helping ambitious women and entrepreneurs overcome
self doubt and build confidence in bothpersonal and professional aspects. She is a

(01:03):
sought after expert and host of thepodcast Cafe with Monica, where she interviews
inspiring entrepreneurs and discusses mental health andentrepreneurship topics. There's so many good takeaways
in this episode. We talk aboutcomparison perfectionism. We really covered so much.
Let's get into it. Welcome backto another episode of Hawk girls cry,

(01:23):
We're so excited to have a guesttoday. Monica is our very first
guest and we're so excited to haveher. But of course, as always,
we're going to kick off the episodewith our gratitudes. Can you share
what you're grateful for today? Ofcourse I was ready for this. I
was actually thinking about it, andI went to like, I'm grateful so

(01:45):
much for meeting you because you wereone of the first people that I met
during my journey. I remember We'resitting in a Mexican restaurant. It was
like a happy hour with Dallas GirlGang, and man, like, you've
gone so far, so I'm justso proud of you. And it was
like, man, I'm just sograteful to be here. Stop. Oh
my god. I wasn't expecting tothank you. I love that. I'm

(02:06):
not equipped for this today. Ohmy goodness, Well, thank you so
much. I appreciate that. I'malso grateful for you and both of y'all.
My gratitude today is now, I'mnot gonna sound as nice I was
gonna say, I'm very grateful todayfor just all the growth and my team
because we're going through a lot ofgrowth in our business right now, and

(02:29):
I'm just really grateful to be surroundedby women who I can count on and
just really you know, lean intoand trust with my passion and build my
business with. I love that always. Always. I'm grateful for our first
guest on the podcast. It's beena long time coming. We've done like

(02:51):
six solo episodes now, and wheneverI was envisioning the podcast, I was
just thinking about, like honestly havingguests on and stuff like that. So
this is such a big stuff forus, and we couldn't ask for a
better guest to be our first one. So I'm just really excited. So
let's dive in. We're so excitedto have you and just to dive in
and talk about mental health and allthe things. Definitely as this is kind

(03:15):
of like a wellness well this isa wellness based podcast where we're talking about
everything that is for your well beingand what who better to have on than
a therapist. Yes, I waslistening to the episode before this or think
that your anxiety episode and I thinkyou were talking about someone. Was that
me that you were mentioning that youwere like I at any time that you,

(03:38):
like I had posted something, youwere like, oh, my gosh,
this is me. I thought thesame thing. Yeah, so I
do relate to a lot of yourcontent, But the one that like I
diagnosed myself with was Julianne. Yeah, was super similar. Yeah, no,
exactly. And I remember sending herthe post and being like I feel
this and she was like, Ibet you do. And I was like

(03:59):
this is me and She's like Iknow, and I was like, yoh,
okay, I got it. Itwas, which is so funny because
Julianne was one of the first therapistmentors that I had, or and j
C because I actually worked on theirpodcast. I was doing like the editing,
the graphics and everything when they firststarted. Yeah, it's amazing.
And that's how I'm telling like,I have a lot of therapist friends and
like for a while that was areally great resource. But it is just

(04:24):
amazing, like the network of womenand just all the work that y'all do,
but also just like the resources onsocial media now that we have,
and like the fact that I wasable to find out more about myself and
my mental health for free on socialmedia and then that helped me like go
to a therapist and basically communicate withlike actual terminology of like, Okay,

(04:45):
this is what I'm struggling with.You know, I agree, I agree,
I think, I mean it canget really for me. It's like
I love that therapists are showing information, but I also think there's a lot
of information, you know, andlike a lot of information. Like I
can't count how many times I getclients like I saw this on TikTok and
I'm like, Okay, well beforewe believe TikTok's like, why do we

(05:08):
think that we may have ADHD orwhy do we think that we may have
OCD? Right, Like, whatis it specifically about this TikTok or this
Instagram reel that you saw that feltlike oh this is me. No,
That's so funny because I'll literally savea post and go into my therapy session
and I'll be like, let mepull up this post that I saw and
I'll read it to her and she'slike, well, if it brings you

(05:30):
peace, to put a label onit. We can put a label on
it. But if it's going togive you more anxiety or more stressed to
put a label on it, let'snot put a label on it. And
I'm like, no, I wantthe label, like because I'm an overachiever.
So I'm like, give me thelist. I'm like, what kind
of add to my resume right here? And you just want to understand.
Yeah, and you're a perfectionist,so you want to fix everything. In
order to fix it, you haveto know what's there. You need,

(05:51):
you need a name. Yeah,I'm like, just give me the to
do list. I'll do it doneby tomorrow. Give me the deadline and
I will do it. You're like, add it to the list so I
can kock it off the list.Okay, yes, literally give me the
step by step plan exactly. Lovethat. Love that. So what kind
of led you or inspired you?Like what was kind of the first thing
in your life that happened where youwere like maybe I want to be a

(06:15):
therapist. So many, like somany things. I think growing up,
I grew up in a very Iwouldn't say small town, but it was
pretty prettydominantly Hispanic, and so anyHispanic culture, we don't talk about mental
health. We just say like we'renot going to talk about that. We
kind of make fun of people like, oh, like that one crazy and

(06:36):
or that one crazy. You're like, oh my god, it's like a
gossip thing. Yeah, and Iwould see, like my grandmother struggled with
depression, my cousin struggled with depression, and then I would see what led
to that because they weren't addressing thedepression was addiction, and unfortunately that led
to one of my cousins passing awaybecause he overdosed. It was going through

(06:58):
a lot, and I was like, this is what I meant to do
because I need someone who basically Ijust need, like I want to be
what my younger version of myself needed. And didn't hear the information that is
honestly such a beautiful thing to comefrom such a tragic thing, you know.

(07:19):
So that's amazing that that kind ofled you into that, from such
a terrible thing happening in your childhood, and now you get to help so
many people and helpfully prevent that samecircumstance from possibly happening, especially because I
know you do specialize a lot inlike Latina women and minorities and helping them
overcome things, which is amazing andwe need so much more of that because

(07:42):
I know with women, especially beinga minority women, like that's just like
two societal double whammys on you tellingyou to kind of like stay small.
So, what is like something thatyou would tell a minority women or a
Latina woman if she was just feelinglike she was having trouble, feeling like

(08:05):
she couldn't take up space. Yeah, I think women in general have trouble
taking of staff right, Like definitely. I don't know if whoever is like
listening and they just watched the Barbiemovie and basically you know what America first
says, like, it's like sohard, Like no matter what you do
and try, there's always going tobe someone who says something about the thing
right like you can't be perfect youif you do X, you got to

(08:28):
do why? And it's like it'san impossible standard to meet. So what
I would say to someone who isstruggling feeling like they always have to do
everything, always feel like they can'tbe enough, is that your worth is
not defined by the things that youdo, Like your worth is defined by
who you are. You are justenough, just by who you are.

(08:52):
You don't have to do anything.And I think we put a lot of
pressure to do a lot of things, to do a lot of things.
Like I asked my husband today,like if you didn't have like your job,
what would you be, Like,what would be your purpose? Because
I ask myself that existential question allthe time, like what would be my
purpose if I can't do what I'mdoing now? And I'm like, well,

(09:15):
that's just to be I think Iwould still help people. I think
I would in some capacity, likeyeah, I would still want to support
people in some way, like regardlessof what I do, And that's like
my purpose definitely. I love that. I think it's so huge and no
matter what field your and even ifthat's not your professionists to help people.
I think in order to just feelgood, you have to kind of get

(09:37):
outside of yourself and help people.So I love that because I feel like
we get so wrapped up in ourpurposes, being our jobs and all of
that, and it's whenever you tieyourself to that, if that's not going
well, then you start feel likeshit. Yeah. Yeah. We talk
a lot about in business, likediversify your income, and I mentioned this

(09:58):
in another podcast. It's diverse byyour self esteem because like if you only
have it in one bucket, yeah, as soon as that bucket is empty,
like you will have this very hardtime to cope. Right, That's
how you build resilience where you're tacklingall these things. That's why I think
when we hear information about mental health, I go for a walk and they're

(10:20):
like, well, like that soundstoo easy. We think that in order
to have this extraordinary transformation, ithas to be extremely hard. Yeah.
I feel like as a business owner, I've gone through that and still go
through that all the time, whereyou become so consumed by your career because
we spend so much of our time, day in and day out, working

(10:41):
towards something that it gets really hard. Like I even think about it sometimes
where I am like, who amI outside of my job? Like it
is such a big deal to me, and it's so it's so important to
me, like not for my livelihood, but it is important to my worth
and it is important to my values, and it is something I'm passionate about.
But there's times where my therapists saidlike, well, what makes you
happy outside of work? And I'mlike, I'm not too sure, you

(11:03):
know, I'm not really super sure, you know, And it's really sad
because I'm like, I don't know. And so even things like a walk
and I'm like, well, howmany walks can I go on like geez,
and it becomes really really hard.But I love that you said,
like, it doesn't have to bebig things that create happiness or worth or

(11:24):
value. And I think we dosee it because we almost compare it to
the big thing, like your career, and it can be multiple streams of
things. And I think also likeas a Latino woman, you know,
coming from a background of immigrants,I've saw my mom build her whole life
of hard and getting through hard,and so I think sometimes we associate,

(11:48):
like and even with your background too, with the way you are brought up,
Like you see achieving a certain levelof happiness or success, you see
it being hard. So then Ifeel it sometimes we almost don't allow it
to be easy because you're like,well, if it's easy, it must
not be right. And so thenwe're like almost rejecting it, and we're

(12:09):
like, well, no, ithas to be hard for it to be
correct, you know. And soit's just it's odd because then it's like,
well then why what, like wherewhat are we working towards that?
And because it's because we are itshould be easy if we want it and
enjoy it and love it. Butthen we're literally constantly telling ourselves like,
no, we can't have it.Yeah, and I think we take it.

(12:31):
We we basically take for granted thelittle things, like the little daily
things, because we're always kind ofwanting like the big outcomes, like the
big things. Right. Like Ithink people like if people do challenges like
seventy five hard, they I mean, they're doing that because at the end
of it, they want to seea huge transformation. Right. But what

(12:54):
I say is, like we werejust i was literally just talking about this
with a client. I'm like,let's make habits that are actually going to
last, because at the end ofseventy five hard, Like, are you
going to be able to sustain that? Let's just say you like you want
to go on a vacation. Let'sjust say like, literally, you can't
do the outside workout because you livein like the Midwest and it's like super
cool over there, Like, howcan you sustain that in a way that

(13:16):
supports you? And I think thatwhen I said, well, let's try
to be more compassionate, they werelike, well, I don't want to.
I feel like compassion is letting myselfoff the hook, like being too
nice to myself. Yeah, Likethey want to give themselves tough love because
they think that's the only type ofthing that will work for them. Yeah,

(13:37):
and well, they think that compassionis being like too nice, and
compassion is like the total opposite.Compassion is being kind. But being kind
to yourself means actually being honest withyourself, and that may mean, girl,
you gotta get a like you gottacheck in with yourself, like something
isn't right, like like a changeneeds to happen. That's not being like,
oh, poor thing, It's okayyou should rest, like yeah,

(13:58):
like there's like a balance for that, But you also have to be like,
okay, we've rested, Like nowwe got to do something That actually
leads me into one of my questionsthat I had, which was how do
you come to terms with not feelingguilty for resting when you do need to
rest? Because I feel like forpeople who do tie up their worth into

(14:20):
their work and stuff like that wheneverthey give themselves, you know, especially,
I feel like on days when you'renot planning to rest, if the
rest hasn't been planned, but youjust feel like you really need it.
I think val and You've said thisa lot too, Like it's almost counterproductive
sometimes because you'll take the rest andthe whole time you're just beating yourself up
for it, or just like stressedout because you're resting. It's like guilty

(14:41):
rest, It's like and then it'sat that point it's like it's not even
rest. Yeah, definitely not atall. And there's like seven types of
rest. And part of that it'sbe like you're not getting mental rest,
you're not getting emotional rest. Youmay be getting physical maybe you're not doing
your workout that day, maybe you'retaking a nap. And and we are
like super familiar with physical rest,which is like knapping and like resting and

(15:03):
just like laying down, but alsolike are we getting creative rest, like
or if we're constantly consuming even it'slike consuming something that we enjoy, like
you know, tik talks or likethat also will make us feel like you're
not rested. Yeah, super drained. I'm so guilty of that. Like

(15:24):
on a Sunday afternoon when I'm likehave a break from work physically, I'll
lay in the couch and I'll spendthe whole day on Pinterest planning picnics for
the next season. And then I'mlike exhausted mentally because I'm like, oh,
well, I just actually did likea whole mood board that I would
typically do want a work day.Yeah, And I'm like, why am
I said tired? Right? Becauseyou're priming or brain to constantly think about

(15:46):
the future, even when we're lookingat visual things like Pinterest, Like Pinterest
is very like aspirational, right,Yeah, we're not doing it right,
and it's so great. I loveit, Like I think there's time to
visualize our future, but we're ifwe're constantly at the future, like where's
the present? Like where are wehere? And I love to go back

(16:06):
to your question about like how dowe stop feeling guilty? One, we
have to stop looking as guilt assomething bad because it's actually a feeling,
just like anger, happiness, joy, Like it is a feeling and it
doesn't last. You're not always feelingguilty all the time. It just so
happens on those circumstances, on thosespecific events, the guilt comes up.

(16:27):
But you have to ask yourself tooand remind yourself like you are human,
Like if you weren't human, youcould probably run a million miles an hour
without you know, charging your batteryand all that, but you're not a
robot. You're actually human. Sothe answer to like not feeling guilt is
embracing guilt, you know, becauseI think a lot of the times we

(16:49):
want to avoid things like playing someplelike how do I every if you go
on a YouTube video or TikTok thatgrabs your attention, it is like how
do not do this? What youshould be doing right? And it's like
all of those things trigger us tofeel like I gotta do that, like
I'm doing something wrong right and andpeople often say like, man, damn

(17:11):
if I do damn if I don't. You know, So I would say
instead of saying like there is aright way to do things, I would
say, start embracing the negative feelingsthat because they're only temporary. Yeah,
it's okay to be sad, orsometimes where I'm like I'm sad, but
but my life is great, butI'm just sad, and I just like,
you know what, it's probably justyou know me, maybe there was

(17:33):
something specific that happened today, buttomorrow is going to be a very different
day. I just have to like, you know, I'm gonna be sad.
So maybe that means laying down fora little bit because my body just
says like, you're sad, let'sbe sad. But instead old me would
have been like, we're sad,let's go and like deep clean the whole.
The Valori's laughing because she's like,yes, I know a deep cleaner.

(17:56):
Literally the second I feel like anytype of anxiety and I will deep
clean. Not a hair in thishouse, okay, a speck of dust
that will make my brain feel good. I think that's so profound because I
feel like whenever you allow yourself tofeel guilty, or you allow yourself to
feel sad or angry and just likelet that be, like you take away

(18:21):
the guilt from it almost because ifyou feel guilty about feeling guilty for rest,
it's this endless cycle where you canjust be like, oh I might
I might not need to be restingright now. I technically need to knock
off all these things I need todo, but you know whatever, I
feel guilty and that's it, insteadof being like, oh now I feel
guilty and now I'm not resting,and then it's like a spiral. Yeah,

(18:44):
And honestly, being honest with yourself, like is it is the guilt
kind of telling you giving you anindicator that, yeah, you need to
do more. Maybe it's like someone'scounting on you. Maybe it's like it's
been like four days since I,you know, unloaded the laundry and folded
it. Like you know, thefeelings are going to tell us, yeah,
we'll give us a direction. Sosometimes like that guilt or like that

(19:04):
anxiety is going to push you todo something and sometimes be like you know
what, feeling, You're right,like I do need to do this thing.
Like that's the reason I get intothis trap where I'm like, oh,
I don't know if I want towork out, and I'm like like
if I work out, if Ibook this class at six thirty am,
then I have to wake up andI'll start like like literally going into my
brain, and I'm like, whatif I just stop ruminating and stop thinking

(19:26):
about the plan and literally just doit for fifteen minutes? Like if like
maybe, but maybe right now mybrain is trying to tell me you're not
going to drive to do a sixfifteen am class. You probably just do
it. Need to do it athome? Workout yeah yeah, yeah,
like our track record shows this isprobably not going to happen. That's why
we're stressed out right now, Likelet's not act like something different is gonna

(19:49):
happen, because the we're gonna wakeup to my own feel extra shitty if
we don't do that. Whereas wecan just like negotiate with ourselves to say
we're gonna do something different, butwe like get a idea and we're like,
nope, this is the idea.This is the plan that happened to
me in business all the time whereI'm like this isn't working out, but

(20:10):
so and so said, and Imaybe I'm just not trying hard enough,
and it's like, girl, maybeit's just not the right strategy. Maybe
it's just not the right thing.It's okay. I think we're constantly consuming
a way as well, Like Ithink like I get that way a lot
with morning routines, and like Iwas just telling Shania, like for tomorrow,
I'm like, I really need morehours in the day right now,

(20:32):
like things are really busy, Likedo I want to go to the gym
tomorrow at like five forty five andjust like create more hours in the day,
And like, in theory, yes, that would solve my problems.
In theory, yes, that wouldcreate more hours in the day for me,
but like do I really have thecapacity right now to do that?
Like is tomorrow the day that Ireally should be changing my whole routine?
And I have a really late shoottonight and like this and that, and

(20:55):
I'm just like, is now thetime to implement that? Like I can
try it Friday. I could tryit next Monday, but like it's tomorrow
the day like or I could justwork out in another time still achieved the
same thing, change up the schedule. But it's like I have it in
my head, like, well,I'm a business owner and I have work
to do, and so at fivefifteen, I gotta be up. Like

(21:15):
it's like for what who said why? Like for who? And it's just
like this made up like rules thatlike you know who's tracking this, like
no one knows, no one cares, And it's like but I have it
in my head like no, Ihave to, And it's like but why
And it could be I have tobecause I haven't done so, and I'm
feeling bad about this, like Imaybe gave myself this idea this year that

(21:41):
I was going to be consistent andcreated a morning routine. Okay, we
gotta we gotta get with our presentself and say, hey, when we
made that decision on January first,we were on crack, Like we would
just put too much, put toomuch without knowing that we were going to
get X amount of business, thatwe were gonna implement this new thing,
and and we forget that that,like we make future plans not knowing the

(22:04):
circumstances of where those future plans aregoing to land. I used to be
someone like if if the plan failed, I would be just so overwhelmed,
even if like the new plan wasexciting and like I was feeling happy about
it, I was like, no, but this isn't what I like.
This is when I wasn't my envisionedSo I lose sight of like the actual

(22:27):
moment. That's very much you.I feel like not anymore. She's fixed.
Yeah, she's fixed. The oldman. The old doesn't do that.
New fls adaptable and flexible. AndI love that you correct me,
queen, let me know, Okay, I don't identify with her anymore.

(22:49):
Lah's proud growth growth. Yeah,I tried. I try to be.
I can see it now. It'sreally funny because I have a girl on
my team who's quite type and it'sfunny because I joke that, like she's
more Type A than I have been. And it's funny now that I can
see from an objective perspective what itmust be like to have worked with me

(23:11):
when I was more Type A.And I'm like, boy, difficult.
And now I'm like and I cansee it, and I'm like, have
such a sentiment for it because I'mlike the stress that she goes through when
there's changes and like a change ina plan or something comes up last minute
and I'm like it's okay, Likeit's gonna be okay, and I'm like,
I just want to hug you becauselike I know the pain you're going

(23:33):
through when it's like I now knowit's okay, but I know what this
is doing to you, and likeit's just funny because like and like it's
not funny, but it's it isbecause like I look back and I'm like,
I know, like how stressful thatis, but now I know it,
like it is okay, Like it'sactually fine. But I was telling
my husband, I was like,boy, you hid your hands full.

(23:56):
Oh yeah, how much train thatlike like has on relationships and things like
to if you're an anxious person?Or do you care of me? Yeah?
Like it's it's it's very hard,Like it's when you start noticing these
patterns, it's like, wow,I was like that. Damn. Yeah.
I'm like y'all were patient, Butthe fact you can like look back

(24:18):
and realize that you've grown so muchis so crazy. Yeah, I mean
it's I like, I'm in thelast episode where I talked about like anxiety
and stuff, I'm like, howhow did who was she? No?
Yeah, it comes up sometimes.Yeah, I say it all the time,
Like that's the craziest evolution I've everwitnessed. And like it feels like
it was overnight too, Like itreally feels like I woke up one day

(24:40):
and I'm like, we're not stressed, we're not anxious, Like that's fine.
Oh I relate to that because Imean something that you said, it
was something that I tell clients,And it's like you've got to identify with
the person that you want to be. Like if you keep saying like I
am X, like I'm that person, Yeah, that's who you're always going
to be. Yeah. No,it was my thing. It was like
I I'm anxious, like I'm overachieving. Like it was my quirky, cute

(25:03):
thing. And then now I'm like, I don't want to be that because
I started to recognize like it wascontagious. Like I would work with people
and I could tell I was makingthem anxious, like and I was making
stress and I'm like that's not nice, you know. And then like when
I started to meet other people whomade me anxious, I'm like, oh,
like get that away from me,Like I don't want that. And

(25:26):
then now I'm like, okay,like I don't want to be that person,
you know. Like so it isinteresting, like it feels like it
was overnight, but at the sametime, like I went through like three
years of therapy to get here.So I'm like, it's not that information
like all of a sudden I wokeup and I'm a healed Yeah, But
I wanted to ask as a therapist, who, I know, you talk

(25:47):
a lot about how you yourself arerecovering perfectionist and high functioning anxiety, like
while becoming a therapist and obviously learningabout all of these conditions and like mental
health like ways of being and allof that, Like is it because I
feel like for me as a creativeit's really hard to objectively look at my
own work. So like for you, is it like easier to work through

(26:12):
your own stuff or like harder tosee yourself objectively because of what you do
for work. Sometimes I think Ihave seasons where sometimes I'm like, girl,
like you gotta listen to your ownadvice. You're not listening to your
own advice, like you're not listeningto your actual thing. And it just
depends like I find a new thingthat like makes me go back to the

(26:34):
certain version of myself that I've feellike I've like I've heeled and I'm like,
Okay, you know, we needto take a pause because like we're
regressing, And so that means thatI do have to be very introspective.
I think a big thing for me, like I've always been someone who has
been able to help people regardless ofmy circumstances. I'm very and that's why

(26:56):
I ended up tattooing resilience in myon my arm because I really feel like
that has been the biggest thing thathas led me to be able to one
be honest with myself when I amgoing through something and also be honest with
myself when I'm working with clients andI don't know what I'm doing, or

(27:17):
maybe it's someone who I'm like,oh, I think they should be doing
this, but it's like wait,wait, wait, wait wait, that's
their own journey. So yeah,I think it's it hasn't been hard for
me to check in with myself.Maybe there was a time, like you
said, like you think about yourold version. I'm like, I don't
know if that's why. Like Ican't even put myself back there because I'm

(27:41):
so like a totally different person now, you know, like your brain just
can't function that way now, becauseit just doesn't. Yeah, Like I
can see people who are struggling withit and like empathize and I'm like,
oh, that is hard and you'regonna have to find your own way to
get out of it. But like, yeah, day, like I remember

(28:02):
feeling so anxious about even working out. I remember feeling so anxious about going
to a workout class, wearing likea sports braw Like I would remember all
of these anxiety inducing situations and nowit's like anxiety who like who who is
she? You know? And alittle bit was like exposing myself to things
a little bit about is like gettinga grip and realizing, like, the

(28:23):
things that you say in your headare not fact. Your brain is just
trying to protect your protect you.This probably stems from something you've heard growing
up that you believe to be true. We all have core beliefs that we
grow up and sometimes we accept orreject certain things. So example, if

(28:44):
someone has a core belief of peopledon't like me, like, let's just
say people maybe they were bullieved growingup, or or they just always felt
awkward, always like the quirky person, and they're like, no, you
know, people don't like me.If a friend texts you and says let's
hang out, they're going to rejectthat and say, oh, she only
wants to hang out with me becauseshe feels guilty that she has some kind

(29:06):
of out with me for a while, and it's like we talk about here
shots is this fucking play about us? And we reject. So we're rejecting,
right, even if as someone whoaccepts that will be like, oh,
yeah, you know, like shedoes like me, Like she like
that makes you know, that makesperfect sense. Or if someone doesn't text

(29:30):
you back, let's just say thefriend never texted you. You then write
the story of like Oh that's true. It's because they don't like me.
It's manifestation. Yeah. Yeah,it's like you're you're you're finding the clues
and the evidence to make your believecome true, to be true, because
that's the story that makes sense.If some if not if all of a
sudden people start asking you to hangout, you meet a new friend,

(29:53):
and all of these things happen,you're gonna be like, whoa, what
are their intentions? Yeah, yeah, it doesn't make sense in your story.
Yeah, you look for things thatconfirm you're biased to whatever you believe
about yourself, which is why it'sso important to tell your self good things
and like things that solidify the directionthat you actually want to move in.

(30:15):
Right and question yourself. Yeah,you need to question yourself, challenge yourself
because you're not always right. Sosometimes though, but the thing is just
curious, when do you know,like, because obviously we've had situations where
like we can help each other becauseI feel like both of us always want

(30:37):
to see the best in people,and then we have the other to be
like no, no, no,like they're playing you. But like when
can you sit there and like reflect, like how do you know when to
reflect and be like, Okay,no, I'm not just being like creating
my own narrative here, like thisis actually what's happening, you know.
Yeah, well I think too.Like if someone, let's the same example,

(31:00):
like that friend who hasn't texted ina while, like sends a texting
that they want to hang out,I would say accept and see and see.
Like you'd be like, the storyof my head is that they don't
really care. They're just doing thisand maybe they don't show up, and
maybe they make an excuse. Thenyou can be like, Okay, I
need to set a boundary. NowI need to act because my limit has
it, it's capped. I'm like, the evidence that I'm seeing is that

(31:22):
this person does one thing but doesbut then switches it off and does another.
And so maybe this is a timewhere I need to evaluate the relationship
because it's not about me. It'sabout that person not being able to have
the capacity to be a good friend. And here's the thing. We may
deserve more. I feel like wealways deserve more. But just because we

(31:45):
deserve more doesn't mean that that particularperson has the capacity to give us more.
So then we That's what I alwayssay, like, a boundary is
not about hey, you cannot comein like hey, like this is a
wall. A boundary is if youcontinue to do that, I will do
this. The boundary is in yourcontrol. But many people is like,

(32:06):
well, already said a boundary andthey decided to do the opposite. And
I was like, okay, nowthe next step is a consequence. What
is a consequence? The consequence mightbe like they don't have access to you.
They're like they don't get a text. I had someone who had texted
me back in March to hang out, and then they never texted me until
like now, and and again theymight have had something going on. I

(32:29):
don't know, but I'm like,you know what, Like I have like
friends that I'm like nurturing right now, so I may not be in the
space to nurture that. Yeah,maybe she's ready, but I'm not ready,
you know. And there's nothing wrong. There's nothing bad about her what
she did, but it is stillsomething like I have to have a limit
and a boundary. It might notit maybe in the future, like our

(32:50):
schedules will align and things will alignand we can build a friendship. But
I think you know, when youhave seen repeated behavior, Like the facts
are there, the cold hard facts, instead of just the story that you
might be telling yourself. It's likelooking at reality. Yeah, because there's
a difference between like I think thatshe's just doesn't really like me, versus

(33:15):
the fact, which is like sheplans something for us to do and then
never like actually, you know,makes it happen. That's a fact.
I don't make it happen. Don'tmake it happen. It doesn't mean that
she doesn't like you. We justour brains want to create a story to
make sense of it because it's like, well, only people who don't hang
out with people, it's like it'sbecause they don't like them. It's like

(33:36):
no sometimes life business whatever. Yeah, or they might be telling themselves another
story that like people don't like themand then you you know, yeah,
that's their own perception. Yeah,exactly about boundaries coming from too chronic people,
pleasers are boundaryless queens. We've gottena lot better. But what are

(33:59):
some things that like tips or justthings that you would give someone who really
struggles with setting boundaries because they arequote unquote too nice or because they want
to give too much of themselves tomake other people happy. I mean,
I would ask, is setting aboundary being mean? M what it is?

(34:21):
Like it sometimes it can feel uncomfortable. Yeah, it is. And
I like that you said that,because a boundary is feeling uncomfortable. So
like if we can the very firststep is like, okay, just recognizing
we feel uncomfortable with boundaries because wethink that if we set them, we're
being rude, we're being mean,and this person is going to respond a

(34:44):
negative way maybe, Like I thinkfor me sometimes like I haven't gone into
a conflict because I fear that,like there's going to be a totally negative
reaction. And that's the whole point, right, Like sometimes you don't even
know what the reaction is. Thatreaction is going to be be evidence that
tells you what to do next.Oh my god, that's been me in

(35:04):
so many friendships. I'm so scaredof setting a boundary because I know that
their reaction isn't going to be apositive one. But then I'm like,
Okay, this is telling me Idon't need to be in this situation anymore.
I need to get out. Ifsomeone doesn't respect your boundary, it's
like validating it already. Yeah,exactly, so either way, once you
set a boundary, it's a winwin, whether they accept it or not.

(35:24):
And it'll be uncomfortable. It'll beuncomfortable, but remember we're not trying
away from negative emotions. Uncomfortability istemporary, and after a while, like
a month from now, six monthsfrom now, a year from now,
you're gonna be like, I wasso uncomfortable to like like go of that
friendship or like to tell this personthat they weren't being the friend that I

(35:44):
needed them to be. And like, now either the friend like now the
person is doing more to sustain andyou know, equal amounts of time and
energy for the relationship, or you'redone with that friendship. That friendship was
good for a season. You know, we don't have to bash them.
I could just be like, hey, they they they met my needs when

(36:05):
they needed Yeah, and now youknow, I have space to like create
better friendships that actually align with mynow, you know. And I think
it gets easier too, because I'veeven seen for Shania, like the conversations
that used to make you like sostressed and uncomfortable. Now she'll like send
a screenshot be like how does thissound that I'm like, you're just gonna

(36:27):
send that, like you're just done, I'm ready to go, And like
it used to be something that wouldtake like you know, a couple of
days of like working it out andlike building up the courage, and now
it's just like being bang boom,like not happening now. And then same
thing for me, Like with business, it would be something that I would
mull over for like a week andit would make my stomach turn and like
I'd have to go over the narrativein my head over and over, and
we're like, well, what ifthey say this, what if they say
this? And I'd have to havelike reassurance for like three days before I

(36:51):
could send the email and I'd sleepover. And now it's just like an immediate
response like no, sorry, likethis is how it works and gives me
zero anxiety and it's just done andand it gets easier and now it's and
now it's like I don't see itas a confrontation or even a potential confrontation.
Now it's just like sorry, thisis just the way it is,
right, And the worst is that, let's just using the same example of

(37:14):
friendship, is that you have tomourn a friendship. Yeah, they have
to grieve a friendship that you don'thave that person as involved as you know
you used to. Or the worstthing is like you do lose a client,
you know, like I mean,that's that has happened, and sometimes
like that feels a lot, butthat might come from other reasons why we

(37:34):
feel so much that we don't wantthat to happen. So we're gonna have
to ask ourselves, like in theexample like losing a client, asking ourselves
like is it because right now I'mfeeling not financially stable and so I'm like
even terrified too, So like whatis my circumstance right now? Maybe I'm
if I'm feeling lonely, I probablymight not want to like tell this to

(37:55):
this friend because like what if Ilose my friend? You know. So
it's like we have to kind ofcheck in where are we now, what
are we feeling now? Because ourfeelings will did take so much how much
harder that conflict is going to bekind of goes back to what you were
saying about just asking yourself questions,Yeah, like what are you scared of?
Yeah? Exactly, Well, Ido want to get to some of

(38:16):
the questions that we got on ourlittle question box. We can just go
back and forth. I think there'sthere's three so we can just bing bang
bim bang boom. Okay, slay. Well, this one is perfect because
it kind of leads kind of fromwhat we were just talking about. But
thoughts on hustle culture. Who Iwas the queen of hustle culture? I

(38:37):
oh, man, I feel likeI was a girl. I was watching
Gary V and like the g Vera. No, yeah, now I
see it and I'm like wow,like this is I mean, hustle culture
tells us that we are not enough, that no matter what we do,
we continue to do the grind.I actually had to be honest with my

(39:00):
year. I finally felt like,I'm like, why am I trying so
hard for the outcome that I want? Like and I actually have to say,
what is the outcome? If theoutcome is a peaceful life, feeling
calm, the outcome is feeling stable. I already have that, So why
do I have to like continue topush harder to keep it? Because I
think like, oh, the onlyway to keep it is to do these

(39:21):
six things. Example, I starteda YouTube channel and I'm like, oh,
people kept saying you have to dotwo videos a week whatever, And
I'm like, I did two videosa week, And then I'm like,
if I if this is what leadsme to growth and that means I need
to continue to do this to maintainthat growth, I don't want it because

(39:44):
if that means that's a lot morework. Instead, what if I just
do what I'm doing now, maybeone YouTube video a week, and if
that grows my channel, great,If it takes a little longer, also
great. The fact of the matter, I do not have control over those
things, but I do have controlover the outputs that I don't feel burnt

(40:07):
out and I can actually do itfor the long haul versus doing having this
very like quick fix. Yeah.I love that as a previous slash kind
of current YouTuber because I feel likeit's so hard not to listen to what
everyone else says you need to do, and especially like now that social media

(40:29):
is so prevalent and almost everyone's businessesare kind of online, you can see
what everyone else is doing for theirbusiness, so it kind of just it's
hard not to let that get intoyour own head of what you need to
do, which is also this isn'ta listener question, but I definitely wanted
to ask you how to kind ofcombat comparison with social media being so prevalent,

(40:50):
because I feel like that's something everyonestruggles with, right, I think
too, because I mean comparison sometimeswill give us feelings of envy, and
we have to kind of ask ourselvesdo we want their life? Like if
we were to just like look attheir life, do we want their house?
We want their card? Do wewant their husband? We want all,
like literally everything. If we justgot that, do we want it?
And it's probably not. It's probablyjust we want what they represent,

(41:13):
right, maybe yeah, what they'reshowing yes and to one of the things
and that I've like, I'm soprivileged to know because of my clients,
is that what people show up,like what you see on Instagram TikTok is
not reality. But I will tellyou someone who makes five figures has the

(41:35):
same problems as someone who makes sevenfigures, or someone who continues to grow
and grow and make more money,they have the same problems because they're not
addressing the actual root. We thinkthat money is going to solve problems or
like the more that we have orthe once we get to this school,
it's going to solve our problems,but it really does it. And when
we are able to like say,ohkay, the root is not us continuing

(42:00):
to achieve all these things, likeit's that's not the solution. I mean,
the solution is to actually enjoy thejourney. It's actually to be able
to one allow ourselves space. Itwere. It's so normal to compare,
like I think that's what like howwe grow and to do better. But
if we're constantly doing that, likeI used when I first started the YouTube

(42:22):
channel, I'm like, let melook at all these people and all of
these things, and I'm like,oh my gosh, I'm like so fatigued
that I don't even want to domy own things. Yeah, you know,
And so like that's when you haveto put the limit and say,
comparison isn't actually allowing us to takeaction, it's actually like debilitating us to
take action. Yeah, definitely beenthere, definitely. Yeah, that's so

(42:44):
true. And like ask somebody whodoes social media, I'm like to actually
keep up with it all, it'slike so never ending, hampster will.
Yeah, I unfollowed all of mytherapist friends and I told them like,
hey, I'm just like unfollowing everybodybecause I don't need that, like I
want you to I and that doesn'tmean that I'm not happy for you.
I want you to grow in yourown in your own space. Yeah.

(43:09):
I need to grow in my ownspace, in my own little garden.
They're over there in your own owngarden. Yeah. I just need the
space to grow because I need differentthings to flourish. And when I keep
seeing that you're flourishing and I'm wantingto take those things, but I can't
do that. Yeah, I haveto water my own plants. Yeah.
You wish them well, but it'snot serving you to watch them doing well.

(43:30):
Yeah. Yeah, and that's okay. Yeah. There's an influencer that
I follow who, like I alwaysteld I like, I love her so
much that I hate her because she'sjust so incredibly successful, and like every
time she accomplishes something, I'm like, Okay, now I got to do
it, and it's just so unhealthy. But it's like I love her and
I'm so happy for her, butat the same time, I'm like,
damn it, like can you chill? And she's amazing, But she's even

(43:53):
said like herself, like social mediais this unique part of our societ already
where like we are now in thisera where we have to do announceable things
where it's like we don't just dothings that further our career, we don't
just do things that improve ourselves.We do things for the sake of being

(44:14):
able to announce them and we addthem to our like checklist of like,
oh, well, I'm going tonow publish a book. And it's like
I've never had any sort of interestin publishing a book. But then I
see all these under entrepreneurs publishing booksand I'm like, well, now I'm
got to publish a book, likedamn it. It's like, but for
what, Like I have zero interest, but it's like on the totem pole,

(44:34):
now, oh yeah, I wantedto be like a speaker and speaking
conferences and do all of these things. And I'm like for what, It's
like do I want them? Like? Do I really want that? Like
it'd be nice? Now it's likeit could be nice, Like it's nice
like if the opportunity presents itself,I'm going to say yes, but I'm
not going to kill myself to dothose things. Yeah, Because I the

(44:55):
more that you kind of question whydo I want this? Like, why
do I actually want this? Whatif I had this today? What would
how would my life look different?I don't think it would like it.
Like we talked earlier about wanting ahouse, I had to actually reel it
in because I'm like, the realityis getting a house right now? The
industry is hard, So like ifI got a house now, how would

(45:17):
my life look different? Have morespace? What would that space give me?
Where are other questions? Was?What are your thoughts about constantly having
an endless to do list and afeeling the need to stay busy the endless
to do list? Gosh. Ithink it's fine to have lists. I
think lists are helpful grounding tools ifwe need, if we have a lot

(45:42):
of things in our head to usethem. But we have to separate our
long, endless to do list withour realistic lists, like our top three,
Like you gotta pick one thing orthree things, and that doesn't mean
you only do the one or twoor the one or three things. It
just means that you are not You'reyou're giving yourself like your capacity, Like

(46:04):
okay, this is like the goaland if anything more that we want to
do, we can continue doing.But unless we stop that habit, like
you're going to continue to feel likeyour list controls you, so you have
to control it. So look atthe list and actually say, like,
what are those three things? Oris that one thing that I actually have
to do before I add more?And I think too as like, if

(46:27):
you are anxious or chronic perfectionist,you will constantly want to add more to
that list. And I would sayto combat that is, if you write
a list, that's the only thingthat's going to be on that list.
If more comes, you wait tillthe next day to see if that is
still something that you want to door you know, because the more that
we put we're saying what we're doingis never enough. That's the that's the

(46:52):
endless cycle. Because we can keepadding more and more and more, we're
basically giving our brain priming it tosay, oh, Okay, this list
isn't enough, Like you need todo more. You need do more and
more and more. And I feellike it's so important to celebrate whenever you
do check something off your to dolist, and if you're constantly adding more

(47:13):
and more things on it, Ifeel like you're not really giving yourself Like
the celebration for tackling the things thatyou already did do and then, like
you said, you feel like you'renot enough and start like a clean slate
like he you know, stop youknow, judging yourself for the version that
yes that yesterday didn't get to dolist, or the version that procrastinated a

(47:35):
while ago, like just like meetyourself, where your ad But I think
a lot of the times we carryour past experiences like oh that one time
like I didn't show up, orthe one time that I'm like I'm always
a you know, the identity likeoh, I'm always a procrastinator, I'm
always late and be like that's notokay, So what is our like what
choice are we making today? Ifthe choice is I don't want my endless

(47:59):
to do list to control me andwe control it. If you're already writing
an impossible list, you're already setin a tone. Yeah, is going
to be chaotic, definitely. Ithink that's so helpful too, because like
it just touches on the hustle cultureand just a never ending cycle and stuff
like that. And I feel likein order for you to ever feel good

(48:20):
in your life, you definitely haveto be in control. And a list
is something that you write like noone's actually you're doing it to yourself.
We're literally in control. Yeah,definitely. I'm extremely passionate about my lists.
Like I have a list every singleday, and I'm like I have
a method to the madness, andlike my lists get done, and like
i just love my list. Butthere are days where like I'll start my

(48:44):
day a bit later and I'll feela bit shit about it and I'm like,
Okay, we have so much todo today, and like those are
my procrastination days where I'm like,okay, we need to like hop to
it. So sometimes to give myselflike a little like pep talk and like
motivational put things I've already done.I'm like, shower check, rush,
teeth check. I'm like, gome the dopamine release when you check something
off and I'm like, wow,look at the five things I've already done,

(49:07):
Like go potty. I love thata positive affirmation, Like yeah,
I'm like I am so awesome.I've already done like a fourth of my
list. That's me every morning,every morning. The last question is best
ways to regulate your nervous system.M Well, we talked a lot about

(49:28):
it dreading this episode, and thatis to not avoid your feelings, like
just do not avoid them, likeit's gonna be uncomfortable. So if you're
feeling angry, you want to tiethat to an action that can help release
that anger. Now it you know, choose the action, WI see.

(49:50):
I mean, if you've got alot of bent up energy and anger,
like I mean, you do needto like sign up for like a kickboxing
class or like, yeah, youneed to get a rage room. And
that's okay because that's helpful. Imean, I know. I mean in
high school, I know a lotof girls who were just so angry and
they would get them on bits andI'm like, man, like what's happening
at home? Because like you areangry and you're like releasing this and you're

(50:12):
not regulating and you're you're like hittingpeople and things like that, and it's
like you really need to release thoseemotions, whether it's anxiety. Sometimes,
for high functioning people, we tendto use fight as our response. We
tend to like push. For peoplewho have like generalize anxiety, they tend

(50:32):
to use flight, which is avoidance. They tend to be like, no,
I'm not even gonna I'm gonna likeif if a certain thing is making
me anxious, I'm just gonna avoidthe shit out of it and I'm not
gonna do it. So we actuallyhave to choose to do the thing that
will actually help us accomplish whatever itis that we're feeling anxious for, but

(50:57):
to a healthy degree, right,because if not, we're then we're just
leaning towards high functioning, which isit's just like no one knows we're actually
super stressed out because we're constantly pushing, but we're pushing to an extreme capacity
that isn't actually our baseline. It'sactually just like our like over the baseline.
Yeah, I feel like that's soso real, especially in today's society

(51:20):
where I feel like our all ofour nervous systems are just like on highler
all the time because we're just gettingall of these like dopamine and we're never
just like chilling out either. We'reall overcaffinating as well, and we don't
even at the time, we don'tknow what we're feeling. We don't even
know like the feeling the emotions we'refeeling, because we're distracting ourselves, avoiding
them exactly like we'll use TikTok oranything to like scroll and I think other

(51:40):
ways to do like if you haveice, you know, if you have
ice in your house, like holda piece of ice, Hold a piece
of ice. That will distract youfrom whether you're having a panic attack.
It'll just help you reset. Yeah, cold shower, I mean people call
it like cold plunging, Like thatis something that will help reset your nervous
system, especially I mean I encourageto do it in the morning when you

(52:07):
are just getting up like you are, like you have a clean slate.
Other things too, and valor.You might hate me for this, but
like eat before you drink your coffee. Oh my god, I do that
now, okay, okay, exceptfor today's way. I do it now
every day except for today. That'sokay, that's okay. Like, hey,

(52:29):
it's okay. If it's six outof the seven days, we're ye,
like six out of the seven days, five out of the seven.
That's called balance. Four out ofthe seven. Okay. I'm so proud
of you. I'm just thinking ofher last sleepover. That's all we ate
wing the coffee netles like she's livingher best to Lulu life. I don't

(52:52):
identify with her we don't eat andwe just have coffee, Like it's just
gonna amp up our quartersial level,which is our stressful hormone own and it's
gonna make for an anxious start toour day. Yeah, definitely, definitely.
I feel that if I drink coffeefirst thing, I'm just like absolutely,
I can't even pick a thought,Like I'm just too anxious to even

(53:15):
start a thought. It's crazy,but it's like it's like it your brain
is malfunctioning. Yeah, you know, I'm very sensitive to coffee. So
I've I've I've really had to trainmyself to eat a little bit of something
because I was also someone that keptsaying like I just don't like eating breakfast,
and it's like, well, howcan we be someone who likes eating
breakfast? So I had to,like, you know, experiment with different
foods and easy foods, because forme, to breakfast feels like a chore,

(53:37):
Like it feels like it's one morething I gotta do in my day,
you know, one more thing Igotta do in my morning routine.
So I just made easy breakfast mealsthat I could, you know, be
able to eat and then have mycoffee, like I'm not saying no to
coffee because that's self care. That'sfor me, that's self care. I
need to have my coffee, butat least be able to know that I

(53:58):
made a good desci vision by notpriming myself with stress and allowing myself that
time to regulate for me. It'salmost like the treat after I've like done
my whole morning routine and then mademyself breakfast, Like the coffee is getting
me through it all. I'm like, I know that's on the other side
of all of this. Yeah,Well, thank you so much for coming
on. This was so nice andyou're just such a wealth of knowledge and

(54:22):
we could not have asked for abetter first guest. Honestly, thank you
so much for having me lay.Thanks for listening to the Hot Girls Cry
Podcast. If you've enjoyed this episode, show some love and support with a
rating review, or keep the conversationgoing over on our socials t T y L