Speaking With Body Language Part 2

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
And we're back on Arbiter and Source radio show with
Ralph Nathan Elgo.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Today it's the book Worms and the Body Speaks. So
we just got through discussing not totally yet how to
read a person like a book and reviewed it and
discussed it. Now I want to talk about doctor Poulette.
Dale wrote a book. Did you say something, Susan, how

(00:34):
any woman can gain confidence with assertive communication? The word
assertive and the word woman. Sorry, doctor Pollette, I take
exception with the word woman. I know you're a woman,
and you're in a way you're handling an assumption that

(00:55):
you're representing the gender, the feminine gender. I've read your book,
and every time you said women, I said person. I
think that what you wrote is applicable to men just
as much as women.

Speaker 1 (01:09):
What year was that book?

Speaker 2 (01:10):
Probably twenty twenty one.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh wow, Yeah, maybe it's a self help book, but well,
in a.

Speaker 2 (01:16):
Way it is, yeh. And it's a very very excellent,
wonderful book. Except it's not singular gender. I think it's
by gender. I think it's applicable to both. And nobody's
only convinced me that would say, oh, well, the women
at this and the women of that men of the Ah,
I know just as many men that are wishes that

(01:38):
don't assert themselves. They're not aggressive, and I mean from
the positive of course. So uh, that's the only that
and the only other thing is doctor Dale uh has
a lot of quote quotes because she's a well read person,
you know, with a PhD. And she quotes a lot
of good story quotes, sentences, paragraph from books and articles

(02:02):
and so on. So let me first tell you how
I read. What my take on the book is. Doctor Pallettdale, PhD. Wrote,
did you say something Susan the publisher's first citadel? Have
you ever heard of that before?

Speaker 1 (02:19):
Citadel is in South Carolina? But I don't know if
that's associated with Yeah, I don't either.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
Okay, twenty twenty one, two hundred and fifty eight pages
softcover paperback, which nowadays have you seen the price of
paperback books? Now? Yeah, they got twenty thirty dollars for paperback. No,
that's unbelievable. Anyway, this book is wonderful. But before I
proceed with any review, my most important point is that

(02:49):
not just any or all women should read it. I
think it should be read by all men. Also, Doctor
Dale is a a personal friend. She did not ask
asked me to review the book. I just found out
that she wrote a book. The book, I didn't know
anything about it, and I asked her could I have

(03:12):
a signed copy? And she mailed it the sign copy
to me, and the title caught my eye. Did you
say something, Susan? And in this case, I don't know
if she's using Susan instead of Karen. And by the way,
as a male, I sincerely apologize to every Karen in

(03:33):
the world because there's one route and apple does mean
all of you. So all of you Karens that I know,
and I know if you you're all wonderful. If there's
one bad Karen, that's the only one that we have
to worry about. So did you say something, Susan? So
I've got my sign copy and I want to read it. Well,

(03:55):
we all of us, we're all sometimes confronted was situations
and or by people, and how do we react? Well,
this book is a wonderful. It's a good guide helping
us how to make decisions that we are happy with
as compared to doing saying things to police others that

(04:18):
would not please please us ourselves. How to say no either,
say it straight or diplomatically sugarcoated, but say no in
a manner that would please you, even if it offends
or turns off someone else. I'll discuss so as far

(04:39):
as let me just give you some of the table
of contents the subjects that we're talking about in doctor
Dale's books. First, you make a commitment to change because
you're not happy with what you're doing. Adapt assertive speech
and body language. Doctor Dale brings up a very good
point in that is, when you're being a assertive you

(05:01):
don't want to be obnoxious and you don't want to
go commando style. Assertive means is Ralph, I just don't
have the time to go pick up that bottle of
wine you want maybe another time. I just I can't
get my own stuff done today. Period. Just say no
and preparing for confrontation you may want to do, or

(05:23):
you've heard me say this before, play school. Stand in
front of the mirror, or have your wife or girlfriend
or anybody and play school. Have them be the other
person and be the adversary. So when you go in,
it's actually rehearsing for a football game. You practice and
when you get to the discussion. Nine out of ten
times you think it's going to be bad and it's not.

(05:45):
It's going to work out. Prepare for confrontation, but be
prepared to say no. Whether you say it nicely or not.
You may not be happy. The person hearing though may
not be happy, but you'll be unhappy if you say yes,
and then you're not happy with yourself. And sometimes you
need to buy a little time, So buy time for responding.

(06:05):
So when somebody asks you a question, maybe you don't
want to jump with an answer right away, and when
give a couple of seconds. And sometimes you just have
to say, you know. Somebody will say, you know, I've
done all those favors for you. This one time I'm
asking you to go get me a bottle of wine
and you say no, and you say, what, that's not acceptable.

(06:28):
One has nothing to do with the other. When we
do things for each other, we don't expect reciprocity. We
don't expect something in BacT. Well, we give, we give
with our hearts because we want to, or don't give
with expectations that we're going to get something in return.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
Right, because that's where it gets to the point where
the next time you can say no just because I
did it the last time doesn't mean I'm going to
do it the next correct.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
Yeah, here's an example. Just happened last few days ago.
We went through lunch with somebody and they figure out
what it was theirs and gave me to get the
money and I put in the rest. But then in discussing,
we found out that both of us have had the

(07:10):
same experience where people always uh give less of what
they want to or what they should and what How
do I handle it? Very simple? When we get next
time to our restaurant, I asked the waiter or the server,
the waitress, uh, separate check please right?

Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
Period, There's no more confrontation, no more yes, no no
bad feeling. You pay for what you ordered. I pay
for what I ordered, no question, there is no problem.
Do you see how I avoided a confrontation. Now here's
what for you, Cindy. I know you're gonna laugh. So
this hasn't happened in many, many years. I would be

(07:52):
someplace with my wife and my wife we're talking to
another couple and my wife would say, don't you think
that dresses looks beauty full? And Susan and no, I don't.
What am I going to say no, I don't. Oh,
I love it, it's beautiful. Then I feel like a
dummy ass because I'm lying. So when I've learned to

(08:12):
say it's okay, then get the message real quickly. Don't
ask for Ralph if you don't want to. In other words,
like the lawyers, a lawyer's motto is, don't ask the
question unless you know that you're going to get an
answer that you know and expect. And you don't want
to ask the question if you don't know the answer.
So the point is that's all part of you know

(08:35):
what's not acceptable, But we have to speak up. You
have to speak for yourself or silence maybe your choice,
but avoid and delay yelling by time, and sometimes don't
put up with putdowns or insult you know, like some yeah, yeah,
you're at a cocktail party and a woman comes up, well,

(08:58):
a man will whatever comes to something said, you know
that shirt doesn't go with that suit, or I don't
like that dress that's about thirty years old. What are
you gonna say? I mean, you say, do you feel
better saying that in public? Or why? And the person
would say, what do you mean? Why says why would

(09:18):
you say that to me? In public. What do you
effectively think you're going to realize with this? What're you
trying to accomplish? And you're turning it around And sometimes
your answer will be heard by everybody else who's thinking
like you, and they're on have that, you know what,
the gowners to speak up. It's all part of learning

(09:39):
to say no. But you have to speak up. Yeah,
and whether it's on the job or in personal life.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
And sometimes the best thing to do is not say anything.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Shut the aisle, shut the f up.

Speaker 1 (09:54):
It's exactly just don't say anything because if you can't
and I do this personally, if I can't trust what
I'm going to say next, then I try not to
say anything, well until I count you know whatever in
my head and go, okay, let me think about this
for a SECONDA say something.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
Interesting based on what you just said. Doctor s Dale
said that she was invited to a forum where a
politician was there that she disagreed with politically. I didn't
know him personally, but anyway, so now so she had
to submit the question and they said, yeah, go ahead

(10:32):
and ask the politician. So she didn't really didn't know
how to handle it, and she's just you know, she's
a uh doctor philosophy, doctor of words. And when she
got up to ask the question, she said, before I
asked you the question, I just want to tell you
have an absolutely wonderful smile. That right, Well, that is

(10:57):
totally diffused anything.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
Happened, right, Yeah, compliment that is a good that's a
good an.

Speaker 2 (11:04):
Now there I learned that that was a learning curve
for me. Not not right away. Hey, you know, I
disagree with the policy you just made. You brew it.
That's a dumb ass decision, and I'll liver vote for you.
But she's not going to get any vote either. But
by her saying you have a wonderful smile, she had everybody,
including the politician, and I'm holding my hand up like

(11:27):
in the pom of her hand.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Well that when you do the other.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
But be sincere. Don't lie right because yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
No, it's all good, But because then you lose your
credibility and your Yeah, if.

Speaker 2 (11:39):
You want to say something not true, don't say it. Yeah,
and uh, payment compliments is phenomenal. I love that idea,
but uh, you know, I think the best way to
sum it up is we can be our own worst
or best enemies or friends.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (11:57):
How many times have you stood up to bully? And
I'm many times as the bully sat down if you
did stand up to them. Bullies usually respect Somebody will
stand up, you may get your touch beaten the hell
out of them, but they'll respect you afterwards most of
the time, obviously. But the point is, don't be afraid

(12:17):
to ask, don't be afraid to stand up, don't be
afraid to say no. We'll stop there, We're going to
take a break and we'll come back continue that. Did
you say something, Susan? This is Ralph Oko, your friend,
your host, The Bookworms today. Wonderful two books, two different genres,
but they're both the same. We'll be right back, everybody,

(12:37):
the Bookworms.

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(14:02):
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Speaker 1 (14:22):
It's the book worms. Today on our Veterans Voice radio
show with Ralph Nathan Oko.

Speaker 2 (14:26):
Thank you, Frank you. I appreciate your attendance today. Doctor
Palette Dale wrote the absolutely wonderful book, Uh Did you
say Something, Susan? I learned a lot from it, I
really did. Uh. The many real the situations that she wrote,

(14:47):
you know, kind of quoted on who are very very
significant because you know the old stories. You can learn
from somebody else's mistakes, yeh, or from somebody else's good
good deeds and so on, and so the real life
lessons were wonderful. I recommend the book very highly. U.
It helped me, it served me. I think it will

(15:09):
help you. But I really want you to read both
books because what doctor Pollente with the you know what
she's saying is stand up, be assertive, and sometimes you
may have to say something that somebody else may not like.
But not what you say. It's how you say it

(15:30):
and maybe when and where you say it, and what
the uh. Gerard Nierenberg and Henry Calero in how to
Read a Person Like a Book, what they're saying is remember,
while you're looking at somebody else's body language and facial expressions,
they may be doing the same with yours. And the

(15:53):
body language is very very effective. You know, you know
when somebody's got the fist. When they're talking or spoken.

Speaker 1 (16:01):
To, are their arms crossed.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
Or their gut or they're squinting. If they are squinting,
they're saying, you want to what the it's a belligerent appearance.
Or if they got their arms crossed behind it, behind
their back, or do they have their hands in one

(16:27):
or both hands in their pockets. Are they adjusting their
ties or scarves? Are they shuffling their feet, Are their
eyes moving, is their head moving up and down, sideways anywhere?
Are they looking at you? If they're not looking at you,
chances are they're not listening, and therefore they're not gonna

(16:49):
hear you playing with yourself. Thinking that they're listening, you're
not gonna get anywhere. I've said to sometimes that people
excuse me, are you listening? And they would turn their heads,
I'm sorry, I got distracted, and I said me too,
And sometimes I would continue and sometimes I won't. Now

(17:10):
I'm not telling you I know the answers. I don't.
If anybody tells you they're perfect, they know they know
the answer. Perfection is imperfect. There is no perfect. There's
never I don't think there's evering. I mean there's directing wrong,
of course, but as far as opinions of rights and
wrong whatever, you know, take cool to chill out, you know,

(17:30):
but read what you're looking at, or make sure that
they can read how you feel. And uh. In the
uh I mentioned about the contents with the how to
read a person like a book, well, uh, the facial expressions,
walking gestures, shaking in uh, you shake you you know,
if a man shakes a woman's hands like he's gonna

(17:52):
crush her knuckles, that doesn't mean that's just power and
control unless they just don't realize how strong they are,
or vice versa. Two men shake hands and one is
a kind of a light shake and the other one, well,
again it's a control or lack of assurance, left, lack
of confidence. So it's one or the other, maybe both.

(18:15):
As far as and the other thing asserting, you know,
being assertive and being aggressive two different words, and they
do have different meanings and unfortunately different results.

Speaker 1 (18:28):
Absolutely, so it's it's.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
Again, and I've been repeating that, I can't repeat it enough.
It's not what you say, it's how you say it,
and where and when in front of you say it.
Sometimes when one on one can be said, maybe it
could be a little different. But as soon as they're witnesses,
they're going to take sides. Whether you're right or wrong,

(18:52):
or somebody else is right or wrong. People do take sides.
And why put them in that position? Or how about
Sindy and I am discussing, we're disagreeing, and send you
or Ralph. See Michael come by, Hey Mike, come here,
settle the score, would you? She says this. I say
that that poor Michael can't win. He's gonna lose one

(19:13):
way or another. Michael says, sorry, I have a philosopher
not getting involved, and he walks away. That is saying
no effectively. Am I right?

Speaker 3 (19:24):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (19:24):
I guess so. I mean sometimes people will sit there
and listen just so the other the other either side
can vent, but right to make an opinion. He's not
gonna win.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Ah, but you just said something very important. Sometimes you
have to let the other side vent. You let them
get all the steam out. And if you're not sure,
you can say, and usually I know the answer, says
are you through? Half the time they're going to crack up,
he says, yeah I am. Or they say no and

(19:53):
I got more at you, or let them at it,
blow steam up, get it all out of that. Now
you can say, may I are you comfortable? If I
now I've listened and looked at you and never heard everything.
May I speak? If they say no, we don't want
to tell them. They just turn around and walk away.
But usually they're gonna want to know what you have

(20:15):
to say.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
Yeah they will, Yeah they will, and they.

Speaker 2 (20:17):
Will be respectful of you because built you up for it. Yeah.
So again, every situation is a little different, but how
to avoid confrontations is not with How to read a
person like a book is no different than how can
you say no and maybe please one the other or both?
But chances are you not one or the other are

(20:39):
not going to be happy with the whatever the decision is, No,
I don't want to go, I can't I don't want
to go get your bottle of wine today, or I'm
very busy today maybe another time. Now you're happy with them,
but they're not. So sometimes you just have to make
a decision for yourself. Who do you want to please?
Yourself or somebody else?

Speaker 1 (21:00):
Right? And you have to if the person says that
that's being assertive. You know, as long as they're not
yelling at you, you have to, as the other person,
just take it as it is correct. It's not if
it's not they're trying to get back at you or anything.
It's just the way it is.

Speaker 2 (21:15):
But sometimes people take that they you absolutely do.

Speaker 1 (21:18):
I mean, it's not like I never did that with
I just flew off the cuff. But yeah, you know,
it's not personal.

Speaker 2 (21:23):
It's not everybody's perfect, by the way, is close to it,
of course, but I'm not.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
No.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
I I love you anyway, but be a kid. But
I just want to take a sometimes. And by the way,
and this is where it is now, sometimes you have
to know when to stop. Right. I got my points across.
Cindy got some of her points across. Just just if
you get a chance, go to iHeartRadio dot com, go
to the podcast and listen to it a couple of times.

(21:51):
I'll bet you you'll catch things that you've been guilty
or innocent of, but been involved. And maybe these these
conversations of these books well help you in the future.
And all you can do is do the best. The
main thing is be honest and be sincere, so number one.
As far as the High Women Art Gallery, number one,
I want to thank Waterfall Restaurant at twenty two to

(22:13):
twenty seven Fourteenth Avenue. It's on fourteenth Avenue, right across
from the Heritage Center. They have a mini gallery of
the High Women Art Gallery. They're open seven days a week.
The food is wonderful, prices are reasonable in the cute service.
It's a family restaurant, and Carolina is wonderful. She knows,

(22:33):
she's been around, she knows how to around a good restaurant.
And as far as the gallery at our Galleries at
eighteen seventy two Commerce Avenue, which is parallel to Dixie
Highway Old Dixie in Vero Beach, of course, we're open
on Saturdays from ten to three and available to seven
days a week by appointment. Simply called Ralph nine five

(22:57):
four five five seven six. And if you can count,
guess how many paintings we have in the gallery, I'll
give you fifty dollars credit towards any purchase. Wow, and
I'll bet you you'll be off twenty percent or more.
There are many paintings in two rooms. Wald Waltz through

(23:18):
the ceiling at this point. Also thank you to all
our veterans, all of their respective families.

Speaker 1 (23:32):
Sheriff Robert Crowder, First Responder.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
George Edward Chismarck Air.

Speaker 1 (23:38):
Force, Dolores Gene Kirby, First Responder.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
Sid Davis Army.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
Joe Idlett Junior Army, Korea, Richard C. Mark's Army, Captain
William Bill Vasquez Air Force Korea.

Speaker 2 (23:57):
Allen Lee Hoffman Army Vietnam.

Speaker 1 (24:01):
Philip Henry Tedlor Air Force, and all.

Speaker 2 (24:05):
Of ourther fallen heroes. Our and your brothers and sisters,
we want to thank you for your service. We proudly
salute you. Rest in peace forever