April 9, 2025 • 30 mins
Are you feeling more codependent in your personal relationship than ever before? Do you feel that you are being taken advantage of and feeling as though you are loosing your identity? Some relationships begin in a whirlwind style -fast and furious and then when the dust settles you begin to observe the ups and downs. You begin to see the extremes in the other person’s actions, attitudes, responses, and general attitude towards you. You may be on top of the pedestal one day and the very next day the worst person on the planet. They may be asking you for help or need your assistance with their latest problem. Whether it’s the sob stories that keep you engaged or giving you the silent treatment to trip you up, either way you feel as though you have a second job, and that job is this current relationship. If you have wanted out but can’t seem to get out of your current relationship, and you are feeling taken advantage of and stuck, you need to listen to this podcast.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back Live to Live Your
True Life Perspectives and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I will be discussing how to know when
you become codependent in a relationship and you're in a
relationship with someone that is actually taking advantage of you.
(00:23):
And this is very important to understand, very important to acknowledge.
It's one thing if you're in a relationship with someone
else that's also codependent, that's also giving in there. Because
codependency is not always a bad thing. It's not always
a good thing, and it can be very toxic and
painful when we're in a relationship with the wrong folks.
And that's what we want to talk about today, and
(00:44):
we want to acknowledge what it really means, how to
know what are the symptoms? How do we know straight
up this is exactly what's happening, this is what's happening
in my life. And I have this with coroborating factual evidence,
and that's what we're going to talk about today. And
I want to be again with discussing the rescue mission.
(01:06):
It's like We're always coming to the rescue for this person,
no matter what's happening. We're always coming to the rescue,
saving them, saving them from theirselves, saving them from their ex,
saving them from their family, I mean, whatever it is,
saving them from their boss. It's like we're always coming
as the rescuer or the savior for this person, and
(01:28):
they don't seem to be able to do things on
their own or for themselves. And sometimes eventually, over time
we begin to realize that this is part of their prerogative,
this is part of their way of life. But in
the beginning, we kind of like feel, oh, I should
do this, I should help and it seems to give
us well, I don't know, we feel good about ourselves.
(01:50):
Look what I'm doing. I'm helping this person. I feel
good about my contributions. I feel good about being there
for this person. And you know, when we do have
codependent tendencies, we have to remember that we get a
lot of value personal value from helping other people. So
it's not just the value of ourselves as I'm a
(02:11):
valuable person, me just being is a valuable person. That's
really not a part of our thought process or vocabulary.
It's more like, Hey, I help these people, I do
these things, Therefore I'm valuable, and so think about it.
The rescue mission is the perfect puzzle piece. Okay, perfect
puzzle piece is someone who is going to be taking
(02:33):
advantage of you, and that could be you know, multiple
different types of people with multiple cluster B dynamics, a
combination of There's a lot of things that are going
on here. So I don't want to just specify, Hey,
this is always about narcissists, or this is always about
people that have borderline tendencies, and this is always about
somebody with histrionic or this or that. I don't want
(02:54):
to do that because it really does seem to kind
of cross over. And I like to just kind of
specify when somebody's taking advantage of you, or there's some
toxicity there where this person isn't upholding their endo the bargain,
this person isn't bringing as much to the table as
you are. It's paling into comparison. And another aspect that
(03:16):
I want to bring up that I think is very
important is that you find yourself supporting them, not only
emotionally all the time. Many of you are emotionally supporting
somebody all the time, constantly, they need you for everything,
which you may be finding yourself financially supporting them as well,
and many of you are doing both. So not only
(03:39):
are you there supporting them emotionally and being there for
whatever problems or woes that they have, you're also supporting
them financially, whether you're supporting them their lifestyle, their children,
you know, you know their rent, their mortgage, you know
their extended education, you know their bar tab. Whatever it
(03:59):
is that you're doing, you're doing usually one or the
other or both, and usually it starts with emotional support,
where maybe they're going through a divorce and you're there
and you're trying to be there for them, or they're
going through a life change, or you know, they had
a situation with a family member, or they lost their job,
you know, all these different things. But then eventually that
(04:22):
starts to write. It's like a snowball effect. Okay, so
they lost their job, you're there for them, they haven't
been able to find anything, or maybe they haven't really
been looking, and now they've got to make payments on
this and you find yourself making a car payment, you know,
making an apartment payment, making whatever, and so that can
really start adding up. But the reason why you have
a tendency of continuing to do it is this other person,
(04:44):
in the moments where you were really giving, they you know,
put you on that pedestal. Oh my god, if it
wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't
for you, I wouldn't have my house or whatever, or
you know, whatever that is that they paint that at
that moment. And it would be one thing if they
were always just very like, you know, gracious and have gratitude.
(05:04):
But you're not going to find that in these types
of relationships, right, You're going to see the opposite as well.
You know, they will turn on you, and we'll talk
about that too, because that's a really big thing, because
they try to control you as well, and a lot
of this is about mind control, mind control and also
emotional control. Right, if I say all the right things
(05:25):
at all the right times, and it's it's perfect for
the code of Pendant, then you're going to stick in
this relationship longer than you probably should, and you're going
to actually know it probably eventually, because remember, eventually the
mask does fall a bit. Eventually we do see some
of the reality or we get a taste of that
(05:45):
reality that we have to come to terms with. You know,
I've heard from many clients, and you know, I've been
doing this for quite some time, so a lot of
clients I've heard about, you know, they get the SOB stories.
The other person will tell the SOB stories about their
life or you know, their finances or their children, or
(06:06):
their divorce or whatever. And you know, you listen to
it and you're there and it kind of seems to
almost pull you back in. And a lot of times
these SOB stories are told to you at a specific time. Okay,
you may have began to maybe wake up a bit
on the codependency thinking, you know what, I'm realizing, I
(06:29):
am really a codependent in this relationship. And there's a
lot of things about this relationship I don't like, and
there's a lot of things that I'm doing in this
relationship that I don't like, and I probably need to
take a step back and analyze this because I don't
think this is for my highest good. But then at
the same time, you take that step back, and it's
almost like they know it immediately. Oh my god, she
(06:49):
or he is taking that step back, and it's it's
and you know, people feel energy, right, so it doesn't
even have to be conscious, right, it could be subconscious.
And all of a sudden, the next thing you know,
you're getting a call, Oh, had this happen to day
at work? It's horrible, And you catch yourself listening to
this whole story or whatever. It's like, you know, or
my ex did this to me and sent this to
me and I have to go to court over this
(07:10):
in the next month or whatever it is, and you
find yourself sucked right back in, hoovered right back into
the situation, you know, trying to be you know, that
that savior, that helper, you know, which is great. It's
nice to help people. I'm not saying that helping people
is a bad thing at all, by by any means.
I'm not saying that. But I am saying that we
(07:32):
want to help people that also can help us, but
we also want to help people that can also help themselves.
And I think this is very important for us to
acknowledge in all of our relationships, because many of us
have one sided relationships or unequal relationships or relationships that
you can do you can't do this, or you can't
(07:54):
do that, but they can't right, it's uneven. It's not
the same They don't they don't have to by the
same rules is they ask you to abide by. So
it can be very challenging to kind of analyze and
deal with when you know you're not able to do
things that they apparently are able to do. And so
that's an interesting aspect as well, and we'll talk more
(08:16):
about that too, because in those types of relationships, at
the beginning, you don't really think about it, but it's
not until midway that you start analyzing. This is interesting
because this is a little lopsided, right, it's a little lopsided.
Another aspect that I find when you have become codependent
and see the thing is I say become so some
(08:39):
of us have that codependent gene, but for many of us,
the codependency in a relationship really doesn't show up until
that's the perfect puzzle piece where somebody's kind of taking
advantage of that. And the only time that you're getting
their attention or you're getting you know, that connection with
them is when you're giving. And then you kind of
(08:59):
lose sight, not that you're trying to keep score, but
you lose sight of how much you're giving and then
you also lose sight of how many problems this person
has constantly and all the problems that you're listening to
in the relationship, and you start forgetting about all that, right,
you start forgetting about it. And so I want to
really think, I want you to think about it. And
I'm not harping on it, but I want to really
(09:20):
if I was going to say underlining it in a paragraph,
is that in these relationships, you can't have any problems
of your own. You can't have any issues like you
can't because there's no room for any of your issues.
There's absolutely no room. Right where is the room. There
is no room. Oh my god, all the air has
been sucked out of the room by that person, not you,
(09:44):
by them. And so if you have any problems, let's say,
like you know you're back on your taxes, which is scary,
or you know you're down some money and you're needing
to kind of scrape by to get some stuff done
that month, you know, you really can't talk talk about it.
When you bring it up, they discredit it or blow
(10:04):
it off, or it's not that big of a deal,
or it will be fine, or they don't even hear
you they don't even hear you talk. They just start
talking over you, or you know, they just kind of
make light about it, or they flip the script and
talk about their problem, right, because their problem is bigger
than ours, their problem is more acute than ours, which
it's not. But they can't even process the fact that
(10:26):
you have an issue they don't, and that it's so
hard for them to process anything outside of themselves because remember,
it's all about them. It's always been about them, what
they want when they want to see you, what their
schedule looks like, what their responsibilities are, what their work
schedule is. It's not and you're over there going, oh,
(10:46):
how do I move my schedule to make it work
for them? Which is so painful, Which is very painful
in the relationship because you're the one that's constantly trying
to make the changes. You're the one that's kind of
trying to move around and to be fluid to be
there for them, when they're not at all doing that.
(11:07):
They're not trying to be fluid with you. They're not
trying to do any of that with you. They don't
even think about that. I mean, you're over there moving mountains,
you're at work, realizing I'm gonna be working until seven,
and you're over there moving appointments because this person has
said that they want to get together at six o'clock
and that's their only time they can get together. And
you're over there trying to move mountains to try to
make something work. And it's hard because often they haven't
(11:32):
ever moved mountains to make anything work in the relationship.
Yet they don't plan it on it and they're not
going to. But there you are, moving mountains to make
things work. And at the same process, you can't have
any problems, and you can't talk about your problems. And
if you bring up your problems or issues, I mean, oh,
you can handle that. You can do that. I mean
you're you're you're good at that. I mean you're strong, right,
(11:53):
You'll be fine. It's not a big deal, you know.
And and it's hard because you know, if they had
an issue that was you know, you know, one sixtieth
of your situation, they would be like full on crying
or freaking out or having to melt down or screaming
and yelling, you know, And it's just you just don't
have the ability to do that because they take center
(12:15):
stage and in the same thought process. You can't ask
them for help because they can't really help you, and
they don't really want to help you because they're really
thinking about what they need to do. Like you find
yourself going on all these runs for them. For example,
like you know, maybe on the weekend, the person you're
(12:35):
dating or seeing is they have off work, and so
next you know, they're like when they need to entertain
them or they need to go run errands, and you
find yourself running errands with them, which is not necessarily
a horrible thing, but when it comes to you needed
to run an errand, Oh, yeah, I won't be able
to go. Yeah, that doesn't fit into my schedule. Oh
you're going to church, Yeah I'm I'm not going. Oh
(12:56):
you're going over there to get that auto part, Yeah
I'm not interested. Hey I'm gonna head back. You know,
even though you've run multiple countless, countless hundreds of errands
of things that you had no desire to do, but
you still went. And the worst part about it is
is you still went and you cancel stuff that you
(13:17):
needed to do. You actually canceled really important stuff that
you needed to get done for work or for whatever
it was. To go on this pilgrimage to do something
you don't want to do. But when it comes to hey,
can you go down the street with me real quick
and let's take care of this, it'll take you know,
take an hour. Yeah don't. I don't have that kind
(13:38):
of time. Yeah, you probably need to go on your own.
But you know it can't go now because we need
to go do this right now, okay, And so you
can't ask for help. And so the other thing is
is that you end up having all these things you
have to do and piling it in all at one
time and doing it. And a lot of times when
you're trying to get that stuff done, that's when they're
calling you, wondering what you're doing, or where you're at,
(14:00):
or who you're spending time with, or why aren't you
entertaining me? Or where are we going or what are
we doing? And you're thinking, what am I going to do?
I have all these stuff piling up, I'm not getting
anything done, and I find myself doing all this other
stuff that's not really benefiting me. And the problem with
the codependency when we have this is that we're trying
(14:20):
to like hold on in this relationship we're trying to
make the best out of it. We're trying to do
what we can. And in the beginning, it was almost
like we were trained, like they needed something, they needed
help with whatever, and we started helping. And it felt
good initially that we did help and it felt good
and we felt good about it, and that's great, and
(14:41):
we feel like we were contributing. But over time that
changes and you kind of start seeing through it. And
as you begin to see through it, I think a
lot of times it begins when usually in these relationships,
the reasons why it makes it uneven, the reason why
they are toxic, the reason why the person's taking advantage
(15:01):
of you is they turn on you. They turn on you,
so they go from being happy with you to not
happy with you. They go from being happy with you
too mad at you. They might even yell at you
or call you names, or turn on you or act
one way or another, and that's painful. You might get
(15:22):
the barrage of text messages asking where you are, what
are you doing, what's going on? I haven't heard from
you in an hour. You're out doing this or that,
when you might be at work, and when you finally
text back, you know, maybe they give you the silent treatment,
or they're passive aggressive with you, or they go well
silent for maybe ten, fifteen, twenty four hours, And it's
(15:46):
okay if they do it, but if you go silent
more than maybe an hour or two, that's a problem. Right.
So it's definitely one sided and the fact that one person,
you know, has to like live by certain rules while
the other person the rules don't apply. And that's a
big sign too that we deal with is that usually
(16:06):
in these relationships, the other person is constantly asking questions
about us that we would never ask about them, We
would never ask of them. It's just not part of it.
But you begin to start wondering, why is it that
they're always asking me these crazy questions? And why don't
I ever ask back? Why do I hold back? And
that's a big question because sometimes holding back is what's
(16:29):
getting in the way of your growth and their growth.
And I know some of you say, oh, yeah, well yeah,
so she went you know, you know, noncommunicative for five
hours and I almost going to call her out. What
happens if I call her out? What is she going
to do? Then? You know, you know, blow up? You know,
blow up your phone yell at you. You know, I
(16:50):
don't know. I don't know what the responses. And I
understand many of you are scared because you've been trained,
trained not to do this. I better or not, you know,
I better not rock the boat, God forbid. You know,
the freaking evil demon comes out or the silent treatment happens,
and I can't handle that, Like I don't know where
(17:11):
they are or what they're doing for days on end,
and then eventually they come back around. It's like this,
you know, quiet punishment. The quiet punishment is always a real,
real horrible thing to do to people, especially if somebody
has code pendit tendencies. It's really hard to deal with
somebody going, you know, silent with you and not responding,
reading text, not responding, maybe turning their reader seats off right,
(17:35):
and an effort to make even more just coombobulated. And
then they come back around as if nothing's happened, everything's fine,
you know, and some of you may have asked what happened,
but they, you know, they fight with you, they blow
you off, maybe they start an argument with you. You know,
oh we're not doing this again, are we? You know,
But if you were to do that it would be
World War three. You know, I also think too, one
(18:00):
of the biggest things that I find with a lot
of folks who are dealing with these types of relationships,
these these relationships where you become more and more and
more codependent over time, is that you don't make plans
of your own anymore in fear that you're going to
miss out on something, or in fear that they're going
to ask you to do something, And so you find
yourself waiting around for them to make a decision about
(18:23):
what they're gonna do. You find yourself waiting around, holding
your breath, waiting to see are they going to do something,
are they going to make a move, what's going to happen?
And these are interesting things to think about because it's
not like this relationship. You know, they're giving and they're
(18:43):
helping you, and you're helping them, and it's kind of
an even street. You don't have to be even, but
close to even. You know, those are great, that's a
great relationship, you know, that's that's a good, solid relationship.
But we're not talking about that. We're talking about you know,
they're they're expecting you to provide all of their support
emotionally and financially, sometimes emotional even you know, even mental interests,
(19:07):
even you know, entertaining them, they're they're they're, they're expecting that.
And then you're there kind of just holding on, not
getting any support of your own. And I think once
you finally get to that point for a long period
of time, that's when it begins to think, in what
am I doing? But this stuff has become really ingrained.
(19:28):
You know, you've been taught Okay, I'm gonna write. When
they call, I better answer the phone. They rang three times,
A better answer, God forbid. It goes to voicemail and
I get to hear about how I didn't answer the phone,
you know, or they're texting, Oh my god, I can't
wait another twenty minutes, Vinyl text back. It's going to
be this barrage a text and and you get trained
into this, even if you don't want to do it,
you get trained to do this. You get trained to
(19:50):
take care of them, You get trained to be there
there beck and call. And many of you that are
dealing with this, I know it's like you see it.
You're like, God, I know what I'm doing and I
hate it. And see that's where we have to be
very careful is we don't want to get so angry
at ourselves that we lose sight of the big picture
(20:14):
and how to get out of this and how to
get ourselves back. And I think that because of the
blame and shame of what's happening in this relationship, it
becomes that way, right, the blame and shame. You know,
it's like, oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this.
You know, I'm a grown man, or I'm a grown woman,
(20:34):
and I can't believe I'm putting myself through this. Year
after year, I'm still involved with this stuff. It hasn't
gotten any better. It's actually gotten worse. Every single month
gets a little worse, a little worse, a little worse.
I'm still holding out hope, but you know, the more
I hold out hope, the worse it gets. But then
all of a sudden, when it gets really bad and
I'm really down about it, all of a sudden he
or she comes back and you know, gives me that carrot,
(20:56):
you know, oh gosh, you know, something happens or tells
me you know how great I am, or puts me
back on that pedestal or whatever it is and now
I'm back again. I'm back, I'm back here, I'm in
charge here, I'm back again. And I know that many
of them are like, yeah, that's exactly how it feels.
And it can be painful, it can be challenging, you know,
(21:16):
and you start losing yourself. And that's the biggest caveat
of these types of relationships, is you lose your own
identity because you're too busy trying to take care of them.
They have literally become the center of your attention, I
mean the center of your attention. You focus on them
(21:37):
all the time, you help them through all of their problems.
Your problems go to the waystside. Your stuff that you
have to do gets put off to the side, things
don't get done, and over time, it's just a saddening
situation because you're like, gosh, I have all these things
I got to do in my life, I have all
this stuff. I've neglected these things, I put these things
on the back burner. What do I have to show
(21:59):
for the last three, five, ten years of this relationship.
And I'm not saying that there's not some good aspects
not you know, every relationship is not just horrible in
and of itself. But it's about, you know, the percentage.
You know, how much do you feel good about being
in the relationship. You know, how do you feel good
or do you feel good about your identity or do
(22:19):
you feel like you've lost your identity? You know, in
relationships where we feel like we have begun to lose
our identity, we feel lost. We might feel very personally
angry at ourselves and maybe many of us have worked
toward things over our life and then all of a sudden,
you know, when we get in this relationship, we kind
of just drop everything, you know, we kind of fall
(22:42):
into it. And then over time it's like this relationship
becomes all of us. It's like all encompassing, and you know,
when you get there, it's like how do I get out?
It's like trying to dig yourself out of a ditch?
You know, how do I get out of the ditch?
And how do I move out of this? And you know,
and one of the things that can really analyze as
we're trying to figure out how to you know, ditch
(23:04):
dig is basically like, hey, first off, how did I
get here? How did I get here in this relationship?
How did I get here? Did I really want this relationship.
Is this really what I wanted? You know? Is this
the person I really wanted to be with? Is this
really what I want in my life? And this is
a big question for you to ask yourself. I mean,
is this something that I really want in my life?
(23:26):
Is this what I really want to do with my life?
Another thing is that you know, what are the things
that you used to do before you were with this
person or in the beginning of the relationship, when it
wasn't so confining, you know, and start start making baby steps,
start taking baby steps and tiny steps, just make changes
(23:48):
in your life by doing things that you actually want
to do. And I know that can be hard because
you're worried about the anger or the blow up or
the comments or the texting or the calls or the
anger or the passive aggressive behavior or the silent treatment.
And I understand, but again, you know, they're not gonna
(24:08):
stop doing that until we finally say, I don't I
don't care, I'm gonna still do what I need to do.
I'm not doing anything wrong, trying to live my life,
trying to take care of my responsibilities, and that's when
they'll finally stop. And it takes time because remember, they
know what they're doing. They figure it out how to
scare you. They figured out how to upset you, They
(24:31):
figured out how to quiet you down. You know, it's
like they've they figured out how to bully you into
being everything that they want, you know, bully you into
doing everything for them. If I, IF, I, IF I,
you know, make them feel bad enough, they'll shut up
and they won't do it, and they'll be there at
my back and call and they're not gonna go on
(24:53):
that fishing trip. And instead they're gonna be here and
they're gonna take care of me and they're gonna take
me out and da da da dah, and I got
my way and I'm good and everything's fine. You know,
the next time they try to get out of line,
you know, I'm gonna call it out. I'm gonna fight,
I'm gonna argue you, and I'm gonna make it painful.
But if you, you know, buck against that, you know,
and say, and it's hard. It's not like it's not
(25:15):
gonna be painful. But the longer we sit in this,
the more painful it becomes. Because over time, this person
wants to completely subconsciously they want to completely erase your identity.
They want to erase your identity because that once they
erase your identity, you become, you know, completely and utterly
(25:36):
under their control because there's nothing else left. And then
what's sad is that a lot of times in these
situations they end up leaving you or you end up
basically checking out, you know, you check out on alcohol
or drugs or whatever, or pills to not have to
deal with the problem anymore because you can't handle it
(25:57):
anymore because you've lost your identity and you don't know
what to do you anymore, and you're stuck in the situation.
But sometimes I've seen where the other person now has
everything they want, you know, and unfortunately then they take off,
leaving ushl of a person. And the only way that
I've realized that we can offset this is by realizing
how much we've lost of ourselves and basically start trying
(26:21):
to pull that back into our life, you know, getting
those things back, you know, the things that we love
to do, the people we wanted to hang out with,
our hobbies that we had, the stuff that we like
to do, going to the gym, you know, taking care
of our bodies, you know, if we like to go
out on the boat, going out on the boat, if
we like to ride the motorcycle, whatever it is that
we do, go do it, and be consistent about it,
(26:44):
and be consistent about finding the value and what you're
doing for you and connecting, reconnecting. It's about reconnecting with yourself,
you know. And yeah, there will be some turmoil and everything.
But over time you're training them that this isn't going
to work more. You're training them I'm not I'm not
doing this anymore, you know, And and over time they
(27:07):
get they get frustrated because, wow, this used to work
every time. I used to yell at him and put
him in his place, and then I would go silent.
I would go silent at nine or ten o'clock at night,
making him wonder, making her wonder where I'm at. And
I'd resurface the next day round two or three in
the afternoon. And this person's completely frazzled and has no
idea what's going on. What was going on is perfect,
(27:27):
got them right in their corner, right where they need
to be at. So the next time I need to
use this, I can use it right. But if you
kind of hold your tongue and you do what you
gotta do and you hold on steady and you overcome that.
Over time, You're just like you know, over time it
gets easier because you also realize the game. And once
you realize the game, realizing the game is a lot
(27:49):
of it. I mean, that's that's a big piece of
the puzzle. Once you see that this is you know,
this is this is all about self preservation and what
that person wants. You know, what they want, not what's
best for you, but what they want for themselves. I
want to see what's best for you. I want you
to do what's best for you. And if I can
(28:10):
help you do what's best for you, then I'm here
for you. If you want to learn more about me
and my practice, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashley A.
S H L. E. Y Burgess b E r Ges
dot com. Also you can check out video content. New
video content is placed every week several times a week
on the YouTube channel, and just go to YouTube and
(28:33):
type in life Coach Ashley Burgess Ashley B E. R
g Ees And you can also go to the website
Ashleyburges dot com and you can actually set up an
appointment and the coaching section right there online and we
can start working together. And I look forward to meeting you.
And in the meantime, think about it. Are you in
this type of relationship? Have you become more codependent based
(28:53):
on this type of relationship and the insecurities that it's
brought out in you? And is this person taking advantage
and do you feel like they're taking advantage of you?
And if you feel it, it's probably very true. And
start thinking about this, making a list and thinking about
what changes you want to make in your life, because
it's up to you. Nobody's going to make your life
(29:14):
better but you. It's up to you. You are the
sole proprietor of your life. You were the person that
has to basically take care of it. And if things
are not working, we need to augment them to make
them work. And that's what is so powerful. And you
have the opportunity to do that. And I would also
love to be given the opportunity to copilot with you
(29:34):
in the process of change. Now you know success, powering
up and completely connecting with your highest self. I hope
that the show is connected with you. Please share with
family and friends, send them the link, the Apple link
or the Spotify link or the speaker link or whatever link.
Send it to other people so they can hear the show.
I appreciate you. Let's get the word out and try
(29:55):
to help others going through this situation because they owe
themselves to help and get change, but they need knowledge
to you, and everybody needs to share it so that
we can make this world a better place. I hope
that you've connected with the show and live your true
life perspectives with your host, me Asty Bergers will be
back in I'll be back this time. You know it.
I'll be back this time in three shakes,
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back Live to Live Your
True Life Perspectives and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I will be discussing how to know when
you become codependent in a relationship and you're in a
relationship with someone that is actually taking advantage of you.
(00:23):
And this is very important to understand, very important to acknowledge.
It's one thing if you're in a relationship with someone
else that's also codependent, that's also giving in there. Because
codependency is not always a bad thing. It's not always
a good thing, and it can be very toxic and
painful when we're in a relationship with the wrong folks.
And that's what we want to talk about today, and
(00:44):
we want to acknowledge what it really means, how to
know what are the symptoms? How do we know straight
up this is exactly what's happening, this is what's happening
in my life. And I have this with coroborating factual evidence,
and that's what we're going to talk about today. And
I want to be again with discussing the rescue mission.
(01:06):
It's like We're always coming to the rescue for this person,
no matter what's happening. We're always coming to the rescue,
saving them, saving them from theirselves, saving them from their ex,
saving them from their family, I mean, whatever it is,
saving them from their boss. It's like we're always coming
as the rescuer or the savior for this person, and
(01:28):
they don't seem to be able to do things on
their own or for themselves. And sometimes eventually, over time
we begin to realize that this is part of their prerogative,
this is part of their way of life. But in
the beginning, we kind of like feel, oh, I should
do this, I should help and it seems to give
us well, I don't know, we feel good about ourselves.
(01:50):
Look what I'm doing. I'm helping this person. I feel
good about my contributions. I feel good about being there
for this person. And you know, when we do have
codependent tendencies, we have to remember that we get a
lot of value personal value from helping other people. So
it's not just the value of ourselves as I'm a
(02:11):
valuable person, me just being is a valuable person. That's
really not a part of our thought process or vocabulary.
It's more like, Hey, I help these people, I do
these things, Therefore I'm valuable, and so think about it.
The rescue mission is the perfect puzzle piece. Okay, perfect
puzzle piece is someone who is going to be taking
(02:33):
advantage of you, and that could be you know, multiple
different types of people with multiple cluster B dynamics, a
combination of There's a lot of things that are going
on here. So I don't want to just specify, Hey,
this is always about narcissists, or this is always about
people that have borderline tendencies, and this is always about
somebody with histrionic or this or that. I don't want
(02:54):
to do that because it really does seem to kind
of cross over. And I like to just kind of
specify when somebody's taking advantage of you, or there's some
toxicity there where this person isn't upholding their endo the bargain,
this person isn't bringing as much to the table as
you are. It's paling into comparison. And another aspect that
(03:16):
I want to bring up that I think is very
important is that you find yourself supporting them, not only
emotionally all the time. Many of you are emotionally supporting
somebody all the time, constantly, they need you for everything,
which you may be finding yourself financially supporting them as well,
and many of you are doing both. So not only
(03:39):
are you there supporting them emotionally and being there for
whatever problems or woes that they have, you're also supporting
them financially, whether you're supporting them their lifestyle, their children,
you know, you know their rent, their mortgage, you know
their extended education, you know their bar tab. Whatever it
(03:59):
is that you're doing, you're doing usually one or the
other or both, and usually it starts with emotional support,
where maybe they're going through a divorce and you're there
and you're trying to be there for them, or they're
going through a life change, or you know, they had
a situation with a family member, or they lost their job,
you know, all these different things. But then eventually that
(04:22):
starts to write. It's like a snowball effect. Okay, so
they lost their job, you're there for them, they haven't
been able to find anything, or maybe they haven't really
been looking, and now they've got to make payments on
this and you find yourself making a car payment, you know,
making an apartment payment, making whatever, and so that can
really start adding up. But the reason why you have
a tendency of continuing to do it is this other person,
(04:44):
in the moments where you were really giving, they you know,
put you on that pedestal. Oh my god, if it
wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't
for you, I wouldn't have my house or whatever, or
you know, whatever that is that they paint that at
that moment. And it would be one thing if they
were always just very like, you know, gracious and have gratitude.
(05:04):
But you're not going to find that in these types
of relationships, right, You're going to see the opposite as well.
You know, they will turn on you, and we'll talk
about that too, because that's a really big thing, because
they try to control you as well, and a lot
of this is about mind control, mind control and also
emotional control. Right, if I say all the right things
(05:25):
at all the right times, and it's it's perfect for
the code of Pendant, then you're going to stick in
this relationship longer than you probably should, and you're going
to actually know it probably eventually, because remember, eventually the
mask does fall a bit. Eventually we do see some
of the reality or we get a taste of that
(05:45):
reality that we have to come to terms with. You know,
I've heard from many clients, and you know, I've been
doing this for quite some time, so a lot of
clients I've heard about, you know, they get the SOB stories.
The other person will tell the SOB stories about their
life or you know, their finances or their children, or
(06:06):
their divorce or whatever. And you know, you listen to
it and you're there and it kind of seems to
almost pull you back in. And a lot of times
these SOB stories are told to you at a specific time. Okay,
you may have began to maybe wake up a bit
on the codependency thinking, you know what, I'm realizing, I
(06:29):
am really a codependent in this relationship. And there's a
lot of things about this relationship I don't like, and
there's a lot of things that I'm doing in this
relationship that I don't like, and I probably need to
take a step back and analyze this because I don't
think this is for my highest good. But then at
the same time, you take that step back, and it's
almost like they know it immediately. Oh my god, she
(06:49):
or he is taking that step back, and it's it's
and you know, people feel energy, right, so it doesn't
even have to be conscious, right, it could be subconscious.
And all of a sudden, the next thing you know,
you're getting a call, Oh, had this happen to day
at work? It's horrible, And you catch yourself listening to
this whole story or whatever. It's like, you know, or
my ex did this to me and sent this to
me and I have to go to court over this
(07:10):
in the next month or whatever it is, and you
find yourself sucked right back in, hoovered right back into
the situation, you know, trying to be you know, that
that savior, that helper, you know, which is great. It's
nice to help people. I'm not saying that helping people
is a bad thing at all, by by any means.
I'm not saying that. But I am saying that we
(07:32):
want to help people that also can help us, but
we also want to help people that can also help themselves.
And I think this is very important for us to
acknowledge in all of our relationships, because many of us
have one sided relationships or unequal relationships or relationships that
you can do you can't do this, or you can't
(07:54):
do that, but they can't right, it's uneven. It's not
the same They don't they don't have to by the
same rules is they ask you to abide by. So
it can be very challenging to kind of analyze and
deal with when you know you're not able to do
things that they apparently are able to do. And so
that's an interesting aspect as well, and we'll talk more
(08:16):
about that too, because in those types of relationships, at
the beginning, you don't really think about it, but it's
not until midway that you start analyzing. This is interesting
because this is a little lopsided, right, it's a little lopsided.
Another aspect that I find when you have become codependent
and see the thing is I say become so some
(08:39):
of us have that codependent gene, but for many of us,
the codependency in a relationship really doesn't show up until
that's the perfect puzzle piece where somebody's kind of taking
advantage of that. And the only time that you're getting
their attention or you're getting you know, that connection with
them is when you're giving. And then you kind of
(08:59):
lose sight, not that you're trying to keep score, but
you lose sight of how much you're giving and then
you also lose sight of how many problems this person
has constantly and all the problems that you're listening to
in the relationship, and you start forgetting about all that, right,
you start forgetting about it. And so I want to
really think, I want you to think about it. And
I'm not harping on it, but I want to really
(09:20):
if I was going to say underlining it in a paragraph,
is that in these relationships, you can't have any problems
of your own. You can't have any issues like you
can't because there's no room for any of your issues.
There's absolutely no room. Right where is the room. There
is no room. Oh my god, all the air has
been sucked out of the room by that person, not you,
(09:44):
by them. And so if you have any problems, let's say,
like you know you're back on your taxes, which is scary,
or you know you're down some money and you're needing
to kind of scrape by to get some stuff done
that month, you know, you really can't talk talk about it.
When you bring it up, they discredit it or blow
(10:04):
it off, or it's not that big of a deal,
or it will be fine, or they don't even hear
you they don't even hear you talk. They just start
talking over you, or you know, they just kind of
make light about it, or they flip the script and
talk about their problem, right, because their problem is bigger
than ours, their problem is more acute than ours, which
it's not. But they can't even process the fact that
(10:26):
you have an issue they don't, and that it's so
hard for them to process anything outside of themselves because remember,
it's all about them. It's always been about them, what
they want when they want to see you, what their
schedule looks like, what their responsibilities are, what their work
schedule is. It's not and you're over there going, oh,
(10:46):
how do I move my schedule to make it work
for them? Which is so painful, Which is very painful
in the relationship because you're the one that's constantly trying
to make the changes. You're the one that's kind of
trying to move around and to be fluid to be
there for them, when they're not at all doing that.
(11:07):
They're not trying to be fluid with you. They're not
trying to do any of that with you. They don't
even think about that. I mean, you're over there moving mountains,
you're at work, realizing I'm gonna be working until seven,
and you're over there moving appointments because this person has
said that they want to get together at six o'clock
and that's their only time they can get together. And
you're over there trying to move mountains to try to
make something work. And it's hard because often they haven't
(11:32):
ever moved mountains to make anything work in the relationship.
Yet they don't plan it on it and they're not
going to. But there you are, moving mountains to make
things work. And at the same process, you can't have
any problems, and you can't talk about your problems. And
if you bring up your problems or issues, I mean, oh,
you can handle that. You can do that. I mean
you're you're you're good at that. I mean you're strong, right,
(11:53):
You'll be fine. It's not a big deal, you know.
And and it's hard because you know, if they had
an issue that was you know, you know, one sixtieth
of your situation, they would be like full on crying
or freaking out or having to melt down or screaming
and yelling, you know, And it's just you just don't
have the ability to do that because they take center
(12:15):
stage and in the same thought process. You can't ask
them for help because they can't really help you, and
they don't really want to help you because they're really
thinking about what they need to do. Like you find
yourself going on all these runs for them. For example,
like you know, maybe on the weekend, the person you're
(12:35):
dating or seeing is they have off work, and so
next you know, they're like when they need to entertain
them or they need to go run errands, and you
find yourself running errands with them, which is not necessarily
a horrible thing, but when it comes to you needed
to run an errand, Oh, yeah, I won't be able
to go. Yeah, that doesn't fit into my schedule. Oh
you're going to church, Yeah I'm I'm not going. Oh
(12:56):
you're going over there to get that auto part, Yeah
I'm not interested. Hey I'm gonna head back. You know,
even though you've run multiple countless, countless hundreds of errands
of things that you had no desire to do, but
you still went. And the worst part about it is
is you still went and you cancel stuff that you
(13:17):
needed to do. You actually canceled really important stuff that
you needed to get done for work or for whatever
it was. To go on this pilgrimage to do something
you don't want to do. But when it comes to hey,
can you go down the street with me real quick
and let's take care of this, it'll take you know,
take an hour. Yeah don't. I don't have that kind
(13:38):
of time. Yeah, you probably need to go on your own.
But you know it can't go now because we need
to go do this right now, okay, And so you
can't ask for help. And so the other thing is
is that you end up having all these things you
have to do and piling it in all at one
time and doing it. And a lot of times when
you're trying to get that stuff done, that's when they're
calling you, wondering what you're doing, or where you're at,
(14:00):
or who you're spending time with, or why aren't you
entertaining me? Or where are we going or what are
we doing? And you're thinking, what am I going to do?
I have all these stuff piling up, I'm not getting
anything done, and I find myself doing all this other
stuff that's not really benefiting me. And the problem with
the codependency when we have this is that we're trying
(14:20):
to like hold on in this relationship we're trying to
make the best out of it. We're trying to do
what we can. And in the beginning, it was almost
like we were trained, like they needed something, they needed
help with whatever, and we started helping. And it felt
good initially that we did help and it felt good
and we felt good about it, and that's great, and
(14:41):
we feel like we were contributing. But over time that
changes and you kind of start seeing through it. And
as you begin to see through it, I think a
lot of times it begins when usually in these relationships,
the reasons why it makes it uneven, the reason why
they are toxic, the reason why the person's taking advantage
(15:01):
of you is they turn on you. They turn on you,
so they go from being happy with you to not
happy with you. They go from being happy with you
too mad at you. They might even yell at you
or call you names, or turn on you or act
one way or another, and that's painful. You might get
(15:22):
the barrage of text messages asking where you are, what
are you doing, what's going on? I haven't heard from
you in an hour. You're out doing this or that,
when you might be at work, and when you finally
text back, you know, maybe they give you the silent treatment,
or they're passive aggressive with you, or they go well
silent for maybe ten, fifteen, twenty four hours, And it's
(15:46):
okay if they do it, but if you go silent
more than maybe an hour or two, that's a problem. Right.
So it's definitely one sided and the fact that one person,
you know, has to like live by certain rules while
the other person the rules don't apply. And that's a
big sign too that we deal with is that usually
(16:06):
in these relationships, the other person is constantly asking questions
about us that we would never ask about them, We
would never ask of them. It's just not part of it.
But you begin to start wondering, why is it that
they're always asking me these crazy questions? And why don't
I ever ask back? Why do I hold back? And
that's a big question because sometimes holding back is what's
(16:29):
getting in the way of your growth and their growth.
And I know some of you say, oh, yeah, well yeah,
so she went you know, you know, noncommunicative for five
hours and I almost going to call her out. What
happens if I call her out? What is she going
to do? Then? You know, you know, blow up? You know,
blow up your phone yell at you. You know, I
(16:50):
don't know. I don't know what the responses. And I
understand many of you are scared because you've been trained,
trained not to do this. I better or not, you know,
I better not rock the boat, God forbid. You know,
the freaking evil demon comes out or the silent treatment happens,
and I can't handle that, Like I don't know where
(17:11):
they are or what they're doing for days on end,
and then eventually they come back around. It's like this,
you know, quiet punishment. The quiet punishment is always a real,
real horrible thing to do to people, especially if somebody
has code pendit tendencies. It's really hard to deal with
somebody going, you know, silent with you and not responding,
reading text, not responding, maybe turning their reader seats off right,
(17:35):
and an effort to make even more just coombobulated. And
then they come back around as if nothing's happened, everything's fine,
you know, and some of you may have asked what happened,
but they, you know, they fight with you, they blow
you off, maybe they start an argument with you. You know,
oh we're not doing this again, are we? You know,
But if you were to do that it would be
World War three. You know, I also think too, one
(18:00):
of the biggest things that I find with a lot
of folks who are dealing with these types of relationships,
these these relationships where you become more and more and
more codependent over time, is that you don't make plans
of your own anymore in fear that you're going to
miss out on something, or in fear that they're going
to ask you to do something, And so you find
yourself waiting around for them to make a decision about
(18:23):
what they're gonna do. You find yourself waiting around, holding
your breath, waiting to see are they going to do something,
are they going to make a move, what's going to happen?
And these are interesting things to think about because it's
not like this relationship. You know, they're giving and they're
(18:43):
helping you, and you're helping them, and it's kind of
an even street. You don't have to be even, but
close to even. You know, those are great, that's a
great relationship, you know, that's that's a good, solid relationship.
But we're not talking about that. We're talking about you know,
they're they're expecting you to provide all of their support
emotionally and financially, sometimes emotional even you know, even mental interests,
(19:07):
even you know, entertaining them, they're they're they're, they're expecting that.
And then you're there kind of just holding on, not
getting any support of your own. And I think once
you finally get to that point for a long period
of time, that's when it begins to think, in what
am I doing? But this stuff has become really ingrained.
(19:28):
You know, you've been taught Okay, I'm gonna write. When
they call, I better answer the phone. They rang three times,
A better answer, God forbid. It goes to voicemail and
I get to hear about how I didn't answer the phone,
you know, or they're texting, Oh my god, I can't
wait another twenty minutes, Vinyl text back. It's going to
be this barrage a text and and you get trained
into this, even if you don't want to do it,
you get trained to do this. You get trained to
(19:50):
take care of them, You get trained to be there
there beck and call. And many of you that are
dealing with this, I know it's like you see it.
You're like, God, I know what I'm doing and I
hate it. And see that's where we have to be
very careful is we don't want to get so angry
at ourselves that we lose sight of the big picture
(20:14):
and how to get out of this and how to
get ourselves back. And I think that because of the
blame and shame of what's happening in this relationship, it
becomes that way, right, the blame and shame. You know,
it's like, oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this.
You know, I'm a grown man, or I'm a grown woman,
(20:34):
and I can't believe I'm putting myself through this. Year
after year, I'm still involved with this stuff. It hasn't
gotten any better. It's actually gotten worse. Every single month
gets a little worse, a little worse, a little worse.
I'm still holding out hope, but you know, the more
I hold out hope, the worse it gets. But then
all of a sudden, when it gets really bad and
I'm really down about it, all of a sudden he
or she comes back and you know, gives me that carrot,
(20:56):
you know, oh gosh, you know, something happens or tells
me you know how great I am, or puts me
back on that pedestal or whatever it is and now
I'm back again. I'm back, I'm back here, I'm in
charge here, I'm back again. And I know that many
of them are like, yeah, that's exactly how it feels.
And it can be painful, it can be challenging, you know,
(21:16):
and you start losing yourself. And that's the biggest caveat
of these types of relationships, is you lose your own
identity because you're too busy trying to take care of them.
They have literally become the center of your attention, I
mean the center of your attention. You focus on them
(21:37):
all the time, you help them through all of their problems.
Your problems go to the waystside. Your stuff that you
have to do gets put off to the side, things
don't get done, and over time, it's just a saddening
situation because you're like, gosh, I have all these things
I got to do in my life, I have all
this stuff. I've neglected these things, I put these things
on the back burner. What do I have to show
(21:59):
for the last three, five, ten years of this relationship.
And I'm not saying that there's not some good aspects
not you know, every relationship is not just horrible in
and of itself. But it's about, you know, the percentage.
You know, how much do you feel good about being
in the relationship. You know, how do you feel good
or do you feel good about your identity or do
(22:19):
you feel like you've lost your identity? You know, in
relationships where we feel like we have begun to lose
our identity, we feel lost. We might feel very personally
angry at ourselves and maybe many of us have worked
toward things over our life and then all of a sudden,
you know, when we get in this relationship, we kind
of just drop everything, you know, we kind of fall
(22:42):
into it. And then over time it's like this relationship
becomes all of us. It's like all encompassing, and you know,
when you get there, it's like how do I get out?
It's like trying to dig yourself out of a ditch?
You know, how do I get out of the ditch?
And how do I move out of this? And you know,
and one of the things that can really analyze as
we're trying to figure out how to you know, ditch
(23:04):
dig is basically like, hey, first off, how did I
get here? How did I get here in this relationship?
How did I get here? Did I really want this relationship.
Is this really what I wanted? You know? Is this
the person I really wanted to be with? Is this
really what I want in my life? And this is
a big question for you to ask yourself. I mean,
is this something that I really want in my life?
(23:26):
Is this what I really want to do with my life?
Another thing is that you know, what are the things
that you used to do before you were with this
person or in the beginning of the relationship, when it
wasn't so confining, you know, and start start making baby steps,
start taking baby steps and tiny steps, just make changes
(23:48):
in your life by doing things that you actually want
to do. And I know that can be hard because
you're worried about the anger or the blow up or
the comments or the texting or the calls or the
anger or the passive aggressive behavior or the silent treatment.
And I understand, but again, you know, they're not gonna
(24:08):
stop doing that until we finally say, I don't I
don't care, I'm gonna still do what I need to do.
I'm not doing anything wrong, trying to live my life,
trying to take care of my responsibilities, and that's when
they'll finally stop. And it takes time because remember, they
know what they're doing. They figure it out how to
scare you. They figured out how to upset you, They
(24:31):
figured out how to quiet you down. You know, it's
like they've they figured out how to bully you into
being everything that they want, you know, bully you into
doing everything for them. If I, IF, I, IF I,
you know, make them feel bad enough, they'll shut up
and they won't do it, and they'll be there at
my back and call and they're not gonna go on
(24:53):
that fishing trip. And instead they're gonna be here and
they're gonna take care of me and they're gonna take
me out and da da da dah, and I got
my way and I'm good and everything's fine. You know,
the next time they try to get out of line,
you know, I'm gonna call it out. I'm gonna fight,
I'm gonna argue you, and I'm gonna make it painful.
But if you, you know, buck against that, you know,
and say, and it's hard. It's not like it's not
(25:15):
gonna be painful. But the longer we sit in this,
the more painful it becomes. Because over time, this person
wants to completely subconsciously they want to completely erase your identity.
They want to erase your identity because that once they
erase your identity, you become, you know, completely and utterly
(25:36):
under their control because there's nothing else left. And then
what's sad is that a lot of times in these
situations they end up leaving you or you end up
basically checking out, you know, you check out on alcohol
or drugs or whatever, or pills to not have to
deal with the problem anymore because you can't handle it
(25:57):
anymore because you've lost your identity and you don't know
what to do you anymore, and you're stuck in the situation.
But sometimes I've seen where the other person now has
everything they want, you know, and unfortunately then they take off,
leaving ushl of a person. And the only way that
I've realized that we can offset this is by realizing
how much we've lost of ourselves and basically start trying
(26:21):
to pull that back into our life, you know, getting
those things back, you know, the things that we love
to do, the people we wanted to hang out with,
our hobbies that we had, the stuff that we like
to do, going to the gym, you know, taking care
of our bodies, you know, if we like to go
out on the boat, going out on the boat, if
we like to ride the motorcycle, whatever it is that
we do, go do it, and be consistent about it,
(26:44):
and be consistent about finding the value and what you're
doing for you and connecting, reconnecting. It's about reconnecting with yourself,
you know. And yeah, there will be some turmoil and everything.
But over time you're training them that this isn't going
to work more. You're training them I'm not I'm not
doing this anymore, you know, And and over time they
(27:07):
get they get frustrated because, wow, this used to work
every time. I used to yell at him and put
him in his place, and then I would go silent.
I would go silent at nine or ten o'clock at night,
making him wonder, making her wonder where I'm at. And
I'd resurface the next day round two or three in
the afternoon. And this person's completely frazzled and has no
idea what's going on. What was going on is perfect,
(27:27):
got them right in their corner, right where they need
to be at. So the next time I need to
use this, I can use it right. But if you
kind of hold your tongue and you do what you
gotta do and you hold on steady and you overcome that.
Over time, You're just like you know, over time it
gets easier because you also realize the game. And once
you realize the game, realizing the game is a lot
(27:49):
of it. I mean, that's that's a big piece of
the puzzle. Once you see that this is you know,
this is this is all about self preservation and what
that person wants. You know, what they want, not what's
best for you, but what they want for themselves. I
want to see what's best for you. I want you
to do what's best for you. And if I can
(28:10):
help you do what's best for you, then I'm here
for you. If you want to learn more about me
and my practice, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashley A.
S H L. E. Y Burgess b E r Ges
dot com. Also you can check out video content. New
video content is placed every week several times a week
on the YouTube channel, and just go to YouTube and
(28:33):
type in life Coach Ashley Burgess Ashley B E. R
g Ees And you can also go to the website
Ashleyburges dot com and you can actually set up an
appointment and the coaching section right there online and we
can start working together. And I look forward to meeting you.
And in the meantime, think about it. Are you in
this type of relationship? Have you become more codependent based
(28:53):
on this type of relationship and the insecurities that it's
brought out in you? And is this person taking advantage
and do you feel like they're taking advantage of you?
And if you feel it, it's probably very true. And
start thinking about this, making a list and thinking about
what changes you want to make in your life, because
it's up to you. Nobody's going to make your life
(29:14):
better but you. It's up to you. You are the
sole proprietor of your life. You were the person that
has to basically take care of it. And if things
are not working, we need to augment them to make
them work. And that's what is so powerful. And you
have the opportunity to do that. And I would also
love to be given the opportunity to copilot with you
(29:34):
in the process of change. Now you know success, powering
up and completely connecting with your highest self. I hope
that the show is connected with you. Please share with
family and friends, send them the link, the Apple link
or the Spotify link or the speaker link or whatever link.
Send it to other people so they can hear the show.
I appreciate you. Let's get the word out and try
(29:55):
to help others going through this situation because they owe
themselves to help and get change, but they need knowledge
to you, and everybody needs to share it so that
we can make this world a better place. I hope
that you've connected with the show and live your true
life perspectives with your host, me Asty Bergers will be
back in I'll be back this time. You know it.
I'll be back this time in three shakes,
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