February 3, 2025 • 45 mins
A quarter-life crisis typically occurs in your 20s or 30s, bringing feelings of uncertainty and questioning the path your life is taking. This crisis affects a lot of people. Many factors go into why people have this crisis in their lives. It’s a common experience influenced by various factors, with comparison being significant. Many young adults find themselves measuring their progress against others, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or incompleteness. Today, we’re joined by Erica Connor our resident specialist, on quarter-life crises, mid-life crises, and the challenges of growing adults who struggle to gain independence from their parents. Together, Erica and I will explore the concept of a quarter-life crisis, how to better understand it, and ways to create positive change, whether for yourself or to help your kids to avoid its pitfalls. You can schedule a session with Ericka, myself, and our other therapists at https://www.ashleyberges.com/.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back to Liverer True Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,
Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we're going to be talking
about quarter life crises and this affects many people, and
I don't believe that it's talked about enough. I don't
believe that we've brought up the subject enough. I don't
think we've examined the subject enough, and I don't think
we know enough about it. And so Eric O'Connor, our
resonant specialist when it comes to this specific topic and
(00:34):
other topics very similar, is going to be really kind
of giving us a lot of information and knowledge about
how we can really understand this, absorb that knowledge and
make some changes to our lives or for air to
help our kids as well.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Erica, great to have you here Live on Liver True
Life Perspectives. How are you doing.
Speaker 4 (00:49):
I'm doing great. Thanks so much for having me. I
really appreciate it. You know, I think quarter life crisis
is a really important topic that we should be talking
about with our young people before that hit that milestone.
I mean, I think we all know people who've kind
of they go to college because everybody tells them, you
need to go to college, everybody needs an education, and
they kind of just grind, grind, grind, and then you
(01:12):
hit this, you know, point in your life where college
is behind you, you have a job, and you kind
of think to yourself, like what's next. Because I think
the motivator for such a long time in a young
person's life is like you kind of just have to
get to that. You got to go to college, you
got to get to that point where you're working and
supporting yourself, and then I think we just forget, like
(01:32):
where's our joy? Where do we feel fulfilled?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Very very important, and I could I could really relate
because I remember growing up, I've had multiple these quarter
life crises. I think my first one was in high school.
Actually I know it was. You know, I was debating
nationally on the national circuit, and I remember toward the
end of my senior year, I was kind of having
what I would consider a midlife crisis. And it's because
you start questioning your reality and you start wondering, why
(01:57):
did I do all.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
This, Why did I do all this work?
Speaker 4 (02:00):
Whose dream was it?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
I mean that's a reality. I think so often, like
you know, parents and I'm a parent, we put a
lot of emphasis on the successes of our children, so
we drive them like you know, I know everybody has
a friend who's got a kid who's doing this, the volleyball,
the track, the you know, the debate team, and I
think parents kind of make that their identity. So children
(02:23):
are afraid to kind of let go of it because
I think they feel they're going letting go of their
parents' dream. So sometimes we spend all this time pursuing
a dream that really isn't our own. And so where
where does that leave you? Right?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well?
Speaker 2 (02:36):
And then also a social media plays a huge part
in this too, because I think also we have this
tendency and I really want to deep dive in this
as well. Is comparison comparing our lives to other people
that are similar ages, comparing based on social media, you know,
whether it's Instagram or Snapchat or Facebook or TikTok and
all this stuff. You look at other people's lives and
(02:57):
you go, my god, like somebody's married, for example, Like okay,
if you look at the quarter life crisis and there
you are at thirty something you're you know, are female,
thirty three years old, and all your girlfriends have gotten married,
every single one of us married.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
You're not.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
You don't even have You're not even in a like
a deep relationship. And it's like, oh my god, what's
happening around me? Why is everybody married? And I actually
have clients that are in their late twenties and they're
upset because they've been to so many weddings, men and women.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
They're like, when is it going to happen for me?
What's wrong with me? Am I going to be single
for the rest of my life?
Speaker 4 (03:29):
Okay? But you know what I always ask my clients
is like is that important to you? Because I think
sometimes we make these comparisons and the idea of whatever
we're comparing ourself to isn't even important to us, Like
maybe a relationship isn't what's a priority in their life?
Right then? Right, they're questioning, like why am I not married? Well,
maybe you should ask yourself do you want to get married?
(03:53):
Do you want to spend time with another individual instead
of spending time what you're focusing on now? Like a
lot of young people are working towards their career. You know,
you don't have a lot of time to date and
go out and kind of, you know, make it happen
for yourselves, because that's maybe not so important at that moment.
So I think comparisons can be really dangerous because we
are only looking through the lens of what the other
(04:15):
individuals want us to see, right, and what's important to them.
Maybe that's not important to you. So I think we
just have to kind of remind ourselves that what we
see on a camera or you know, on Instagram or Facebook,
that's what's important to those individuals. But is that important
to you? And maybe it is. Maybe it is important
to you. Maybe that's an area of your life that
(04:37):
you need to shift and pivot and put a little
more energy into. Do you want to get married, do
you want to have a relationship? Like, how can you
change your life to make that happen for yourself?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
That's that's a very good point.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I find that also those society, not only just the friends,
but society kind of in general also pushes that. Don't
you feel like, oh, you should have a kid by
this time, Oh, or you should be this talented by
this time, or you should have this much money by
this time? And I think that that is also encroaching
on what do I really want? You know, who am I?
(05:09):
And I think that's a big deal. And I think
also too, there's so many people that are automatically find
that they're behind like the eight ball, you know, Like
I'm trying to think of the guy that started like KFC, right, Like,
he didn't become like I guess successful till he was
in his sixties, and he tried so many different business
couldn't pull it off, couldn't make money, couldn't do this,
and then eventually in his sixties he became this multi millionaire.
(05:30):
But it was, like he said that he was always
feeling like he was behind the eight ball, but he
was really working hard, steadily knowing he could get it done.
But I think somebodys that really beats people down because
they're like, you know, especially with the crypto and everything
else going on, and you have these crypto millionaires and
all these people, and you're like, but what's happening for me?
Why haven't I figured out my direction? Why haven't I
decided you know, where am I in history? And I
(05:52):
think that's a question too.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
That is a great point when you talk about the
gentleman with KFC. I think too we have to remember,
like do you have the means? Do you have the
means to get where you want to go? Right? We
have young people that they are encouraged, Oh, everybody, everyone's
got to go to college. Everyone has to you know,
get this amazing job at the end of the rainbow, right,
(06:15):
Like how many young people don't have the discipline maybe
to go to college, the funds to go to college,
or just the ability to make those choices and make
that happen for themselves. Like sometimes we just need life skills,
right to get where we want to go. Okay, you
can be a crypto millionaire, but what are your skills? Like,
(06:36):
how are you going to get there? I think sometimes
we need a roadmap for getting to those places, like
they may not be realistic for everyone, but if that
really is like your true dream, you just need the
right skills maybe to get there and on your own
timeline too. I think that's important when you talk about
how he wasn't very successful until the sixties, Like why
do we let culture dictate what our timeline is for achievements?
Speaker 3 (06:58):
Right?
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Exactly, this isn't your time.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Well, it was interesting, it's interesting you brought that up.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I was in a session recently, This was earlier this week,
and you know, my client and I were talking. He's,
you know, he's in his early thirties, you know, about
thirty four. I consider that early thirties. And you know,
he was like, you know, I still don't have children.
You know, he's been dating somebody for about a year.
She's younger, and he's like, but if I wait till
I have kids, so on forty, I mean, what's gonna happen.
I'm going to be an old man. I was like, well, one,
(07:25):
you're you're far from being an old man too. I said,
you know, it's interesting. Have you ever just stepped back
and looked at things from a different perspective. I said,
your parents had you at a young age for a reason.
Now look at how your grandparents had your parents and
a young age. I said, there was a time period
where people didn't live very long. Okay, there was a
time period where twenty two was old. I mean, you
(07:46):
know you're going to die soon. I mean even if
you if you had like a tooth issue and your
tooth got infected, you could die in the next ten days.
I mean, that's how bad our medical industry was and
everything back in the day.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
It's the urgency. Maybe that's not his timeline.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
And I said, what if you had kids later?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And I said, you know what, sometimes having these experiences
later in life, you have time to enjoy this relationship,
You have time to experience this, You have time to
put some of the hours into what you're doing for
and then you get to jump on another thing and
try out, Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Oh we got kids.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Wow, it's cool because one of the things I found
is that people jump in real quick and they don't
get to know who they are. They don't get to
know who the other person is. We're already having kids. Boom,
here we go, and then you kind of go who
are you? And then there's not that like there's not
that graduation into things. But I said, what if you
step back and say, hey, what if nobody else's timeline
matter to me? What if it doesn't matter? What if
(08:37):
this is all bs, What if this is all some
sort of kind of like smoking mirrors to just kind
of take me down, make me feel bad. What if
I was to create my own roadmap? And I think
that's what you do so well is help people figure out, Hey,
you don't have to listen to all this. Let's look
at what's your map look like, what's your unique like
where are you going?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
What do you want? And then how do you find that?
Speaker 2 (08:59):
Like how do you help people really figure that out
if they don't really know what they want?
Speaker 4 (09:03):
I mean, I think you just have to look at
examine people's values and what they find important, like what
is important to you? And I think that's where we
kind of can take a deep dive with clients and
just kind of examine, like what do they really feel
as important to their life, because I think so often
we're living these lives for other people or for things
that really aren't that important to us. I mean, I
(09:25):
think it's so classic, like it reminds me. You know,
when I was young, and I was before I was married,
I didn't have a lot of means, right, Like I
just kids that went to college or got an education
or went away. They came from family of means, and
my family didn't have that many means. So I felt
like when I was married, or maybe when my career
took off and I had money, I would just shop
(09:47):
all the time, just shop, shop, shop, right, Like I
have money I want this. I want that. I could
never have these things when I was younger, and I
think I kind of came to a place that's not
really important to me. Like it was important to me
when I was young because I couldn't have it, but
then once I had it, it just didn't really have
a lot of meaning to me. And I think as
I've gotten older, what I find important is time. And
(10:10):
I wonder if, like your client who was thinking about
having kids at forty and kind of afraid of like, oh,
I'm going to be so old, you know what you
have when you get older that maybe you don't have
as a young person in your career, and that's the
ability to like flex your time and have time with
people and want to spend your time in like really
productive ways. So you just have to find out what's
(10:31):
important to you and you know from there you can
kind of make more achievable goals, both short and long term.
And I think that's where you help people figure out
what they really want, right.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I agree, Well, when we're returned Eric Coravey Deep Dobby
more in a quarter life crisis, how to understand it,
how to kind of map it and figure out your
direction and stay tuned Live your True Life Perspectives with
your host me Ashley Burgers.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Will be back in you know it.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
I'll be back this time and two shakes.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Turn it up and jump in the deep end on Perspectives.
Now here's Ashley.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Welcome back live to look your two live perspectives and
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's show, Erica has
joined me. We're talking about quarter life crisis and understanding
the self questioning, understanding the soul searching that's involved in
this situation. And it's really important to really analyze this
because a lot of people are going through this, but
they don't actually know what they're going through. They just
sit there and say, I don't like anything that's happening.
(11:38):
I'm questioning everything in my life. I'm looking around. I
don't have any answers. I have more questions than answers,
and I'm getting frustrated. Right before the break, we were
talking Erica about like kind of just figuring out how
do we figure out a roadmap, how do we begin
to start I guess basically filling in the blanks of
what do we really want separate from what everybody else
is doing.
Speaker 4 (11:58):
I mean, I would reckon men, probably to my clients,
just to step back and maybe take stock of what
you have in your life, like what is positive, what
brings you joy. I think that can be really difficult
for people, particularly people who are married, because I sometimes
think maybe their relationship is not bringing them joy, and
that can be a difficult obstacle to confront or overcome.
(12:22):
I think the first step is really just kind of
finding your joy. Where do you feel purpose in your life?
And if you don't feel purpose in any area of
your life, then I think it's time to start thinking
about what interests you, Where do you feel you could
bring value or what would bring value to your life.
I think it's really just kind of taking inventory would
be the first step, wouldn't you agree?
Speaker 2 (12:43):
I agree with you taking inventory, and I think what
you brought up was very interesting. When people are married,
I think that sometimes the relationship could be good, it
could be okay, it could be not so good, it
could be healthy unhealthy, but sometimes you can't even see
the forest through the trees because you're too busy wondering
what they want or and so you're right, it's you
kind of got to take it, like put them in
a vacuum and and really your client and really think
(13:06):
about okay, really looking at what do you want, Separate
from everybody else, Separate from your spouse, you know, separate
like like, don't think about your goals and stuff just
based on that person, because I think you have to
also step out from that a little bit to understand.
And that's where I feel it's so hard, and there's
like that gray area is that it's really hard to
just kind of separate and just say what was it?
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Not not what do they want? But what is it
that I really want to chew?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Because nobody's gonna give you And this is one of
my biggest quotes, nobody's gonna give you a medal of
honor when you die for doing nothing, nothing you wanted
to do.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
I mean like nobody's gonna be like, oh hey goes great.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You know you you know, you sacrificed everything for everybody
and you get this medal, and you're not gonna be like, oh,
thanks for the metal.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
You're gonna be like this sucks. You know.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Nobody's even if you got the medal, you're not gonna
be like oh great, you know, I mean, what do
we do?
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Then?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
That's that's the big question.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
You know what you bring it good. That's a great concept.
I think you want to ask yourself, like who and
what are your influences? Who's influencing you? Because maybe it's
not your spouse. Maybe it's your girlfriends that are unhappy
in their marriage and they're talking you into thinking you're
unhappy in your relationship. I know we've all had a
friend like that. Maybe you find yourself scrolling on social
(14:19):
media too much. Maybe TikTok and Instagram and all those
social pages are influencing you. I think that's a a
big factor. You got to find out, like what are
the influences in your life? Because I think maybe once
you make that right, then you're doing things that bring
you joy. Right, Because when you say you don't get
a metal for doing what everybody else or sacrificing your
(14:41):
life with the needs of others or the wants of others,
I think your influences have a big factor in how
you live your life.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Right, That's very true, Like who's influence you? Maybe right now,
you know everybody that's listening or watching this video or
listening to the podcast or listening on the radio.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
You know, it's like who is influencing me.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
And really think about it. Writing down those just stick
it in your head. I mean, it's like having a
grocery list. I mean it's hard enough to even get
groceries that you need and remember everything without writing it down.
These are kind of deep concepts, So write it down.
Who is influencing me, you know, and why are they
influencing me?
Speaker 3 (15:12):
And what's the impact that they have? Well, man, this
could be family.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
What are they gaining too?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Because we always talk about boundaries, you know, like only
people that benefit from your lack of boundaries, it's others exactly.
It's other people. They get unhappy when you have boundaries.
But I think it's important to understand who our influences are.
Like I know a lot of people like you know,
if you're spiritual, right, you feel like you're kind of
driven by like what your faith pushes you towards, Like
(15:38):
is that important to you? Do you want to live
more in that light? Right? That could be something that
you could explore. But I think we have to kind
of know who our influences are when we step back.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
I agree, who's influencing you? What do they need?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
But more so it's like because I think sometimes we
also confuse that, you know, if if someone is like
kind of the squeak of your wheel. And I had
a conversation right before, right before the show, I had
a conversation with somebody on the phone and I said,
you know, I said, my hesitation is the fact that
your emotions are always there and you're always expressing those emotions,
(16:11):
which is good, but you don't leave room for other
people to express their emotions. And if somebody is not
really expressing their emotions and they're not really expressive that much,
then that person is shut down. And so all we're
doing is we're just mapping, based on your emotions, your
feelings at the time, how you feel. And I said,
and that gets really challenging. And I said, you know,
for people, I'm not a very I'm in touch with
(16:33):
my emotions. Okay, it's not like I'm not in touch,
but my emotions don't run me.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Okay, because you have regulation right and emotional regulation right.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
But there's other people that their emotions do run them,
and so when you're trying to participate or be there,
it seems like their emotions always take front seat.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
I love that concept because it kind of makes me
think about a client I had who was afraid to
take like a bold step.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Right.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
She wanted to separate from her spouse house, and they
lived in a pretty affluent area, and she felt she
could not move forward to leave her husband and kind
of explore other areas of her life because she was
too consumed with what her friends and community people would
think of her. Right, So she was using that as
(17:18):
like an emotional crutch, so to speak, not to leave.
And I feel like, sometimes we really need to think
about what you said about, like not letting your emotions
kind of dictate the decisions that you make or the
choices that you make. Put that to the side, because
that's valid, right, We have to experience those feelings, but
you can't let the desires and the thoughts and the
opinions of others drive how you react or the decisions
(17:42):
that you make in your life. And I think it
can be very emotional oftentimes when you're making these bold steps,
but you have to kind of step back, right, like,
how is this going to benefit me in the long run?
And what do those influences, how do they fit in
my picture, you know, looking down the road.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
And these are some deep thoughts.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
You know, it's not something that you just do for
five minutes when you're in the drive through it, you know, Starbucks,
it's just like something you got to go, you know,
really like deep dive in that, because I do.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
I think people get so lost, and I think it's
easy to get lost because also it's easier to sit
there and dictate your life based on, well, I have
to take care of that, or I have this responsibility
expect you married to that, or I have my my
mother is having you know, health issues, and so I
have to participate in that.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I can't do this, I can't do that, I have
to do this and so.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
And I think also though sometimes that takes the responsibility
off of us from making decisions. But then later on
down the road there's crunch time, so it's like, you know,
that's when you really here's your crutch, right as exactly,
I got to do this for them, you.
Speaker 4 (18:41):
Know, exactly exactly, And we make our excuses like the
inability to do things, like you said, it is based
on like the expectations of others and like the responsibilities
of others. But sometimes we have to, like there comes
a point in your life where you really have to
prioritize yourself and like find what you love, what brings
you joy, and you know, what serves you, right, Like,
(19:02):
you can't always be serving others. That really doesn't work
in real time, right, And I'm not saying that like
you should be this completely selfish individual and only do
what makes you happy. But I just mean, like, you know,
when you get to the end of your life, most
people really just think about the things they didn't do,
the challenges that they you know, didn't accept or maybe
kind of those bold decisions.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Yeah, it gives me the heavy g I mean seriously,
because you're right, you get to that point where we've
used all the crutches, you know, we've pushed the responsibility out,
you know, and then you kind of go, wait a second,
because it gets worse. And I've realized that because I've
done it, I think we've all done it. Oh yeah,
you know, we've all done it.
Speaker 4 (19:42):
We've all been in relationships way too long. You knew
you should have dipped out right because you were scared.
I mean I can remember being in my early twenties
and like, continue your relationship with somebody that I really
did not like. But I really loved all of his friends.
Oh and I really liked his family, and I felt like, gosh,
I just put up with this because I really still
want to be part of this group and I want
(20:03):
to be with these people. But you know what, in
the long run, it wasn't I mean, it wasn't gonna last.
And so it was just kind of delaying the pain
or the heart of the loneliness. But you got to
make some bold decisions to get bold results, right, You
gotta just kind of rip that band aid off sometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah, I mean I agree with you, and I understand completely,
and I think everybody out there listening know what's it's
like thinking about that. I mean, everybody has a band
aid on. Everybody's holding on, everybody's waiting, everybody's trying to
be the wooss on what they need to do on this.
And so where is it? What is it in the
direction that you're kind of woosing out on? Is it
you know your direction and where you want to go
in life as far as you know your work?
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Or is it you know?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Is it is a career? Is it family? Is it
having children? Is it meeting somebody? Is it whatever that is?
And figuring that out, and I think we've had Like
it's interesting because we've had this revival and I don't know,
you know, back because of the last few years. And
I don't I don't want to say the C word,
COVID word, but anyway, you know, it's like all these
people decided, I'm gonna, you know, take this van and
I'm gonna I'm gonna change this van out and I'm
(21:04):
gonna drive around the world and I'm gonna drive all
over it.
Speaker 4 (21:07):
Don't you kind of secretly wish you could do that?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
I got friends that did it that. I mean, I
got friends that are still doing it.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
Listen, I would do that in a minute. And I
don't know, like there's my band aid that holds me back, right,
Like I feel like I can't let go of all
these things in my life. Like I love my car,
but I think too, Like listen, I love kind of
that first that starter career, Like I love that mentality.
That seems to be a phrase I see a lot lately,
is where you know what kids go to school, young
(21:37):
people go to school. You have this career and then
you kind of get three years into it and you're like,
oh my god, what have I done? I cannot. I'm
over here killing myself in Microsoft Excel, right, Like that's
not really where I find joy. But they're scared. They're
so scared to go back and try something different because
I think, you know, do I have the means? Can
I support myself? What will people think? My parents wait
(22:00):
for my education? You know? My wife depends on my income.
Like that's a scary time in your life too, you know,
And I think it kind of comes up quarter life crisis,
mid life crisis, Like, you know, I just think, like
you don't really know what you're capable of until you try.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
You don't, You don't.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
And we're gonna we're gonna talk more about that when
we return, because we really don't know what we're capable
and we're gonna deep dive with that with Erica here.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
In just a minute.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So stay tuned liber True Life Perspectives with your host
medi Astley Burgers will be back in I'll be back.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
This time, you know it.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with
Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Welcome back live to liver a true life perspectives. And
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. Erica's joining me today in studio,
and we've been talking about quarterway prices and this is
affecting a lot of people. And right before the break,
we were talking about, you know, we have these responsibilities,
we feel tethered, we don't know exactly what to do,
you know, pulling off that band aid and you know,
let's deep dive into that more because I think that
(23:14):
a lot of times when people are in this situation,
it's like when you get into something that's really hard
to understand in your life, Like you kind of see
it and you start walking down the mental pathway of
getting there, and then you kind of have like this
fog thing and then you're like, yeah, I'm just gonna
go get some neat, Like I'm not going to focus
on this anymore. I'm just gonna let that go. You know,
how do you kind of move past that fear factor?
(23:36):
Maybe it's not even conscious, maybe it's like a subconscious deal.
How do you move past that to start investigating because
I think people kick this down the road, kicking and
kicking this can down the road for quite a bit
of time. And this and you know, a quarter life
crisis could turn into a midlife crisis based on how
long you wait on something.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
I mean, that's a great point, you know. I think
it's like not to sell our profession further, but I
think like therapist or coaching, I think that can be
a great a tremendous sense of support when you're doing
something bold and different and maybe with some difficulty, like
just having kind of that coach in your corner, right,
(24:13):
like somebody who's going to help push you down the
road a little bit to get closer to that goal.
But I don't know. I think you have to have
just wins every day, right, Like whether it's a spiritual win,
like a physical win. Maybe you maybe if you work
out once a day kind of gets you to a
better place mentally. Maybe if you pray a little bit
every day, maybe if you do something that gets you
(24:36):
a little bit closer to your career goals, like research
or reading or listening to a podcast kind of in
that direction. I think you have to have a little
bit of a win though, every day to kind of
get to that place. Maybe it takes you five years,
maybe it takes you five months. But I think if
you're kind of working and you have a good support
system or some framework to get there. I think you
can get there. I think everybody has the ability to
(24:57):
get there.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
So let's talk about the few wins.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And this is something I've been working on too, uh
in my life recently. Is for example, Okay, I I
try to work out every single day. I try to
run about six or seven miles a day.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
I do it indoors, so I don't screwt my knees
and my legs and all this stuff, because you know,
it's a stupid like uneven ground and everything. You could
be out for like six weeks with some bad injury,
you know, and then you can't.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Work out at all.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
And so I'm on the olliptical and I you know,
most of the time, my brand of doing something is,
let you know, listening to music. And the other day
it kind of just hit me. And I've had it
kind of come back and forth, back and forth. But
I'm like, you know what I'm not. I'm gonna listen,
I'm gonna watch the podcast, I'm gonna listen to this video.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go into something that really interests
me separately, something that I really want to, you know,
educate myself on and that's something that I've been doing.
(25:44):
So instead of listening to the music that I've listened
to over and over again, I'm starting to add that
into my life, you know. Uh, I'm also starting to
think about things like in a bigger level. Like you know,
for many of you, like me, you sit at your
desk hour after hour, day after day. Uh, and sometimes
you lose sight of kind of the timeline. And so
I've been trying to just figure out, like, what's a
(26:05):
small thing that I can do that I can feel
more empowered. What's something that I can learn that might
also give me a different trajectory? You know, who else
can I get involved with? Who else can I bring aboard?
What are those thought processes? And I guess what I'm
saying is trying to open my mind a little bit,
even if it's a small thing, trying to incorporate more
things in my life that bring some sort of education, intelligence, happiness,
(26:30):
depth something well.
Speaker 4 (26:32):
I mean, I mean the science is behind it, right,
Like when you achieve little goals, it kind of catapults
you to want to achieve bigger goals. Right, So if
you're having those little wins every day, Like listening to
an educational podcast. I mean, when you get off that elliptical,
not only have you worked out, but you kind of
feel like, you know, I want to give myself a
pat on the back. I did something today that like
(26:52):
was enriching to what my ultimate goal is. I think
we know that science is there. Those little goals add
like achieving those smaller things kind of add up and
it's a little bit easier to take those bolder steps
right and like maybe reach a little bit higher, but
just having a sense of achievement, like I can do this,
I can do this right, like I did seventy five
(27:13):
hard last year. Have you ever heard of that? We
have to work out every day twice a day, indoor outdoor,
you're drinking water, you're taking pictures. That was probably the
hardest thing I've ever done in my life, Like truly
the hardest thing. It would be twenty degrees and I'd
have to go outside for forty five minutes. At the
end of that seventy five days, you know, regardless of
the like physical benefits, I felt like I had the
(27:37):
ability to do something bolder right, Like I could try
something I've never tried before I can work with clients
that I've never worked with, I can do more research. Like,
I think we all have a little bit of imposter
syndrome where we feel like maybe we're not where we're
supposed to be or you know, other people are going
to find out, And I think those little winds just
build that confidence up.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Right.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
I think that's really important in day to day life
is just find your win, right.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
And I think one of the best things too in
that process is stop judging yourself, like like the personal
judgments and the beating downs of oh my god.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
I'm not where I want to be at. I'm not
doing this, I'm not making.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
This money, i haven't had this, i haven't met this person.
I mean, that's getting in the way. And anytime I
beat up myself or put myself down, it's not helping
in anyway. Shit, Ian, when was the last time that
you told your friend, Hey, you're an idiot, get your
head out of your ass. You know you're screwing up.
I mean, look at all this stuff you're creating. This
is horrible. When did that ever help anybody? Yes, I mean,
you know, talking to somebody and maybe you know bringing
(28:34):
up some things that need some light is one thing.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
But you know, the way we talk to ourselves is
so important.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
I'm not saying that you should be like Mamby Pamby
like everything is like, you know, rainbows and unicorns, but
I'm saying, hey, like, try to be helpful, try to
talk to yourself like most of you are very you know,
like empathetic. You care about people. Most of the people
that are listening and watching this show are. I mean,
that's the avatar of people that watch and listen to
my content care about other people. Sometimes you're taking advantage
(28:59):
by other people, but you do care about other people.
And so I feel like, try to give someone that
care to yourself maybe a little bit before you just
beat yourself up over what you haven't done.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
Another health professional gave me some great advice years ago,
and she's like, follow the advice that you would give
your daughter, your mother, your best friend. Like what kind
of encouragement when you give those folks when they maybe
are you know, have something disappointing happened in their life,
or maybe they haven't achieved something You wouldn't say like
(29:30):
like you said before, like ugh, you're doing terrible. How
do you live with yourself. You would say to your
friend or your daughter, or your sister or your mother, like, Okay,
come on, you know what. We all have disappointments, we
all have failures, but it just gets us one closer
to like one step closer to where we want to be.
And I think we just have to give ourselves the
same encouragement that we would give others.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
I agree with you, I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Uh. It's interesting, though, and it's hard to just have
that awareness and I and I also think too is
like trying to slow down time. Like time to me
is kind of like it's circular, it's consistent.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
I don't really know.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
I don't I don't look at it as a linear thing.
And I think sometimes we have to look at it
as like, Okay, hey, I have the time. Let's not
focus on that, because I think sometimes when you go, well,
I don't have time, I don't have time, just the
idea of saying I don't have time or I'm running
out of time, that's a stressor on its own as well.
Speaker 4 (30:22):
Okay, but I feel like when people say they don't
have time, it's because they're spending too much time doing
things for others.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
Right, because talk about that.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Yeah, I mean it's true when you do, when you
spend your time the way that you enjoy it, I
think you'll find you've got plenty of it, because when
you don't have time, it means you're too busy working
for someone else. And I'm not talking about like career work.
I'm talking about spousal work, parent work, friend work. I mean,
you know, you just need to make sure that your
time is your own right. If you're spending too much
(30:51):
time for other people, I think you'll find you'll have
very little of it.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Oh, that's very important telling me about there are dealing
with that, whether it's a spouse, you know, significant other,
a family member, or several friends that are taking up
a lot of your time and effort. And it's becoming
like a second career, you know, a second job of
fo you to do.
Speaker 4 (31:10):
There's always folks that want to get you to do
things for them. I mean you think about just your
day to day activities. People really want your time and
I think that's our most valuable possession and you have
to treat it as such, right like, you have to
think about it. When someone asks you to do something
for you, think about it. Is this the best use
of my time. Like I'm not saying that we do
(31:30):
things for others to get something reciprocal, but like, is
this going to bring value to you? Like, is this
a person that values your time? Like will I you know,
if I ask them to do something for me, would
they do something for me? Like you really have to
treat time as like your highest or your greatest equity
in your life.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
That's very true. And so yeah, there's two sides to it,
but you're right, you need to own your time. Yeah,
for sure, I need to own your time.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
And when I think when you do that, I think
you'll find that your goals are a little bit more achievable,
right because you don't have the static of all those
kind of activities and mundane things you're doing for others
getting in the way. You can kind of push that
aside and see the future a little bit clear.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Very true, very true, And so think about that, maybe,
you know, looking at your life and taking an inventory
of who is taking the most time out of your
life and putting that list together, you know, and really
look at it and putting it in order of operations,
because that's something we don't look at either. Sometimes this
can go under the radar. You may have just met somebody,
been in a relationship for a few months, and it
seems like all of a sudden your life has changed,
(32:30):
and you're like giving and giving to this person, but
get not getting that much in a return. And we're
we're not sitting there saying, oh, I have to get
this much and you got to give this much. But
you know, we're not keeping score, but being aware of
these types of things because somebody or multiple somebodies can
really change someone's trajectory.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Oh, very quickly.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
You're spending all your time doing things that that partner
wants to do. Right, where's your joy? Are you gonna
find like that you're resentful towards the other person down
the road? Like you have to set really strong boundaries
with people when it comes to time.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Yeah, that's a big deal, right, and.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Then where does that get you?
Speaker 2 (33:04):
We can do a show and remment. Let's just talk
about resentment. You know, we're gonna talk about resentment for
four hours. We're gonna have a callers, that's what we're
gonna talk about it. I want people to call out
the names of the people that they're resentful.
Speaker 4 (33:16):
That's that's very good.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
We're gonna get them on the phone too with you.
But no, I think I think it's true. And so
when we were trying to be talking more about this,
because you know, we do have to have a road map,
and Erica is very clear about how to create that
we want to talk about, this gives some help and
some you know, examples of things that you can start
doing right now, some homework, you might say, to start,
you know, making things work and to start getting to
some sort of answers, because I agree that more answers
(33:40):
are better than all questions. To stay tuned, leave your
true Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Birders will
be back in. I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Welcome back live to look your Too Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. We've been talking today about
quarter life crises and how to understand it and how
to stop you know, looking at other people's lives and
baking judgment calls in our own life. And right before
the break, we were talking about resentment and how when
we give a lot of our energy or too much
of our energy, you might say, too much of our
(34:30):
you know, our direction and all that we can get
resentful in Erica.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I think that's interesting is that we have to really
monitor where is most of our energy going, who is
taking most of the energy, but also who are we
giving most of it too.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
It's true and like like we talked about earlier too,
like our influences, like right, the people that we're spending
the most time with, those are usually the people that
are influencing the decisions that we make in our day
to day life. Right, because if they're in your life
all day, then they're the ones that are going to
be in your ear. So I think the first thing
that I usually recommend that my clients do is, like,
let's take stock. Let's make a list of the people
(35:05):
that we spend the majority of our time with, who
are the people that influence the decisions that we make,
and we really take some deep dives into those people
and see where their value lies and where they are
in our life, like where do they belong? Like your mother,
Maybe your mother's in your ear telling you all the
things that you should be do you know you should
do or where you should kind of focus your time, Like, Okay,
(35:28):
that's a great idea. Like I get some good source
of advice from my mom, But like, is that going
to be our biggest source of influence? Like has our
mother gone down the same path we have? You know,
maybe our mom is a stay at home mom and
we want to be in our career driven, you know, lifestyle.
Maybe that's not the person that we're going to get
advice from. Maybe that's not going to be our best influence.
Maybe we're going to go and seek out someone who's
(35:48):
kind of walked that walk or taken that path we
want to go on. So I think we just have
to examine our influences and determine where we can get
a greater source of influence that'll get us where we
want to be down the line. So I think that's
probably the first step. It's just kind of identifying who's
in our ear and where we're getting our ideas from.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
That's super important because you're right who you're getting your
advice from, because everybody, usually unless you're dealing with somebody
that's a professional, you know, a therapist or a professional coach,
is not they're giving you advice based on their own life.
They're giving you their advice based on their own fears.
They're giving you their advice based on their own shortcomings,
and unfortunately not that they're trying to do that, but
(36:27):
that's what happens. And so there can be a you know,
a very I guess just not what is necessarily needed
to hear. And then sometimes this can get you further
off base, you know, I mean, and I'm not saying
that our parents don't want the best for us or whatever,
but sometimes you know, the things that they had to
do and the things that they couldn't do and the
changes they had to make will influence their conversation with us.
Speaker 4 (36:48):
I love that you just said limits because I always
think that when someone tells you can't do something, it's
because it's their limit. They can't do it, so they're
impressing their limits on you. So you need to make
sure that the people around you and the people you're
listening to have your best interest at heart. They believe
you can do what you want to do.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Right.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
They're not imposing their will or their limits on you.
They're allowing you the space to achieve your highest limit, right,
And that's really like who we need around us, people
who believe that we can achieve things, let's beyond where
we're at at that moment.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
So true, and if we're if we surround ourselves with
people that have those limitations or discuss that or put
those limitations on us, that's just going to give us
further away from where we need to be at.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Oh yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
And that's interesting because it's interesting that we've talked about
this too as well, because I've had that before where
I've brought up something to somebody that you know, I said, Hey,
I'm thinking about doing this, and they, oh.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
You know, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
But then I look back and I realize they don't
have the bandwidth to do that, right, They don't have
the bandwidth to even take that. It wasn't about me
not being able to do it, you know. But then
at first, for like a few weeks, you're setting, oh,
I guess I'm not going to do that, and then
you realize, oh, they don't have the bandwidth to do
that in their.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
Own hundred percent right. And I think, you know, there
are particular kinds of people, maybe people who have like
a string of jealousy. But I always say, like, you know,
you need to be around people that want to feel
your sunshine, right like, they want to see you succeed
because they're not afraid to feel the warmth from what
you're achieving. You know, I know, there's just so many
(38:19):
people that they're influenced by you. They don't want you
to achieve greatness because they're afraid that makes them, like
feel like they're not worthy or they haven't achieved great things.
So you want to be with people who want to
feel your warmth and you know, rise to the highest
level they can go to too.
Speaker 3 (38:37):
So that's very smart.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Yeah, that's very smart sort of looking at the people
that are around you.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
And also and it's not about you. You're not always
exactly the people you're around. But birds with fathers do
flock together. But what I've also found too is just
be very careful, be very aware of any sort of
negative influences that are in your life and be able
to spot it because it can go it can go
under the radar and somebody and sometimes we don't realize
maybe there's a friend or somebody in your life that's
(39:04):
not adding to your quality of life, but really taking
away from it and analyze that too, because if you
have that in your life. You might not even be
aware of it, and that person's like creating all this
kind of static in your mind, these feelings that you're having,
which is making you even more confused. But I really
do advocate because these are things that you got to
get really real, You got to really see it, You
(39:26):
got to be aware, and awareness is key. You can't
just go around just oh whatever, You have to be
super aware of everybody around.
Speaker 4 (39:32):
Your intentional and you know, just circling back to like
midlife crisis, quarter life crisis. I think sometimes we surround
ourselves with friendships of circumstance, right, I mean, we have
these relationships like these people around us because we went
to school together, they were you know, I work with them.
And I think that's like something that a lot of
us kind of get into is where we've now we've
(39:54):
surrounded ourselves with people by circumstance, not by choice. And
I want my clients and the viewers to think of
out do I choose you? Would I choose you to
be my friends? And I think that can be difficult
because we believe, like we don't want to you know,
ruin a friendship or relationship or whatever. But like I
think sometimes friendships are seasonal, right, Like the people around you,
(40:15):
Like maybe they're there for that moment in time, for
that career or that job or that stage of your life.
But like when you move forward, maybe you have to
leave those people behind.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Yeah, I mean that's that's definitely true. Like you, I've
known them for years, you know. I think also another
concept too, And I'm not getting down on family. Okay,
we're not getting down on a family. But just because
somebody's your family doesn't mean you have to hang out
with them all the time. Okay, And I know that
some of y'all go, you know, they.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Don't always have your best interest at heart.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
No, I mean, just because our family doesn't mean that
they're always going to be there for you. They're they're
gonna be genuine, or they're gonna be the one that
advises you to give you this great advice. I mean,
so really think about that too. Don't not to say
that there's not great family out there, but don't let
family the name, the name, the label family camouflage the
fact that you might be dealing with a wolf. I mean,
if somebody's you know, not not really participating in a
(41:02):
positive level or seems to take you down a notch
or kind of make you feel bad or seems to
get you know, relish off of maybe things that aren't
working for you. You know, because we've all had those family
members where the first thing when you walk into a
family re union, you know, they're, oh, I heard that
something happened to you, you know, and it's it's it's
this whole down trot.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
You know, they find joy and like your failures, oh
for sure, right because they you know, that's they kind
of push you down to lift themselves up. You have
to be like very careful of those folks. And there's
people like that and like friend groups like you know,
when my kids were younger, I had you know, friendships
of circumstance, right, Like I just spoke about and there
was always a few in the group that were kind
of I don't want to say joyful, but like took
(41:44):
the light in like the failures of my kids or
you know, maybe a failure I had, and I think, gosh,
you know what, like why would I even surround myself
with those kind of individuals, Like it's time for me
to make some bold choices, Like I got to do
something for myself and leave these people behind because it's
just not positive. It doesn't bring value.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
That's so true.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
That's so true, and I think so that so definitely
kind of putting together that list, like starting to see
the folks that are not maybe positive aspects in your
life and start working with that. You know, like when
do you think, like, you know, when you work with clients,
you know, do you see how long does it take
to get somebody to almost at least.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
Have some clarity what's through the er?
Speaker 2 (42:22):
I mean, everybody's different, but what's the average of somebody
actually having you know, Oh, I do see the forest
through the trees.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
I am seen light at the end of tunnel.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
I mean, I think there's definitely some deep dives that
need to happen with clients about like, you know, figuring
out what they're really their true purposes, right, Like it
kind of takes a couple of weeks to get into that.
I mean, I would say probably within six or eight
weeks we kind of know the direction we're going in,
and then from there it's like, okay, let's walk this, like,
(42:49):
let's figure out how we get there, Let's get moving
and see if we can make some progress. And get
you where you want to be. But I would say
like six to eight weeks we have a pretty clear
focus of what they want, right, Maybe getting there takes longer,
you know, and I'm sure there's a lot of failures
along the way, but like we really do find that
it takes a good six to eight sessions to kind
(43:11):
of take stock of their life, figure out what's important,
you know, really do the work to figure out where
they want to be. And from there it's more just
it's action, right, It's action on behalf of the client, Like,
are you ready to take that step? I'm gonna be
there with ye. But how difficult is that going to
be to navigate? You know, it could be something as
difficult as you know, separating from a partner, that can
(43:33):
be really difficult, you know, quitting your job and trying
something new, going back to school at forty years old.
I mean those are bold moves. But you know, I
think the reward can be really tremendous. I really do.
I think sometimes when we live through the lens of
other people, life can be not as fulfilling. But I
think when you make big choices, I think there's big rewards.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
I agree with you or I agree with you. Yeah,
we have a lot. So Erica is going to be
on the podcast radio show quite a coming up here.
We have a lot of stuff to talk about. I
think that this connects with a lot of people. We're
gonna be talking more about midlife crisis. I also want
to talk with you in a future show about purpose
finding and really dedicating time to that, because I don't
think we dedicate enough time to.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Really finding ourselves.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
I mean, the whole reason, and I've said this before
and I'll say it again, the whole reason we're on
this planet is to figure out who we are. It's
not to figure out who everybody else is. Yes, it's
helpful to have people around you, and it's great to
get to know them, But the little thing that's been
hidden this whole time is you got.
Speaker 3 (44:26):
To figure out you.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yeah, Like that's the whole That's the whole thing right there.
That's the ancelotas So everything else is great, it's a sidebar,
it's fun, but that's what it's all about.
Speaker 4 (44:35):
It's true, I think, like, and that's something that most people,
like you said, will float through life, like being really present,
being where your feet are, just kind of being there
and enjoying all the different parts of yourself can be
really really exciting.
Speaker 3 (44:48):
It really is, Erica, thanks for coming in.
Speaker 4 (44:51):
Yeah, thanks for having me. I've enjoyed it.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
I can't wait to have you back on. Yeah, let's
do it awesome. Well, there you go.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Eric will be back here in studio asap. We have
a lot of great shows to come up with and
to connect with, and please share with your family and friends.
And obviously if you're listening to the podcast, you're listening
on Apple, you can listen on Spotify, iHeart as well
as speaker, and also on the website check out the
Asthleyburgers dot com Ashley Burgers dot com. We got a
new we got a new makeover, so go check that out.
(45:19):
And you can also find out information on Erica right
there as well. If you go to coaching, you click down,
you see Erica's profile, you can read her bio. You
can also set up an appointment right there online with
her as well.
Speaker 3 (45:29):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
We've got more content, more shows coming up, and live
your true life perspectives with your host me.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
Asthley Birds will be back in.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
I'll be back this time in three shakes.
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back to Liverer True Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,
Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we're going to be talking
about quarter life crises and this affects many people, and
I don't believe that it's talked about enough. I don't
believe that we've brought up the subject enough. I don't
think we've examined the subject enough, and I don't think
we know enough about it. And so Eric O'Connor, our
resonant specialist when it comes to this specific topic and
(00:34):
other topics very similar, is going to be really kind
of giving us a lot of information and knowledge about
how we can really understand this, absorb that knowledge and
make some changes to our lives or for air to
help our kids as well.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Erica, great to have you here Live on Liver True
Life Perspectives. How are you doing.
Speaker 4 (00:49):
I'm doing great. Thanks so much for having me. I
really appreciate it. You know, I think quarter life crisis
is a really important topic that we should be talking
about with our young people before that hit that milestone.
I mean, I think we all know people who've kind
of they go to college because everybody tells them, you
need to go to college, everybody needs an education, and
they kind of just grind, grind, grind, and then you
(01:12):
hit this, you know, point in your life where college
is behind you, you have a job, and you kind
of think to yourself, like what's next. Because I think
the motivator for such a long time in a young
person's life is like you kind of just have to
get to that. You got to go to college, you
got to get to that point where you're working and
supporting yourself, and then I think we just forget, like
(01:32):
where's our joy? Where do we feel fulfilled?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Very very important, and I could I could really relate
because I remember growing up, I've had multiple these quarter
life crises. I think my first one was in high school.
Actually I know it was. You know, I was debating
nationally on the national circuit, and I remember toward the
end of my senior year, I was kind of having
what I would consider a midlife crisis. And it's because
you start questioning your reality and you start wondering, why
(01:57):
did I do all.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
This, Why did I do all this work?
Speaker 4 (02:00):
Whose dream was it?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
I mean that's a reality. I think so often, like
you know, parents and I'm a parent, we put a
lot of emphasis on the successes of our children, so
we drive them like you know, I know everybody has
a friend who's got a kid who's doing this, the volleyball,
the track, the you know, the debate team, and I
think parents kind of make that their identity. So children
(02:23):
are afraid to kind of let go of it because
I think they feel they're going letting go of their
parents' dream. So sometimes we spend all this time pursuing
a dream that really isn't our own. And so where
where does that leave you? Right?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well?
Speaker 2 (02:36):
And then also a social media plays a huge part
in this too, because I think also we have this
tendency and I really want to deep dive in this
as well. Is comparison comparing our lives to other people
that are similar ages, comparing based on social media, you know,
whether it's Instagram or Snapchat or Facebook or TikTok and
all this stuff. You look at other people's lives and
(02:57):
you go, my god, like somebody's married, for example, Like okay,
if you look at the quarter life crisis and there
you are at thirty something you're you know, are female,
thirty three years old, and all your girlfriends have gotten married,
every single one of us married.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
You're not.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
You don't even have You're not even in a like
a deep relationship. And it's like, oh my god, what's
happening around me? Why is everybody married? And I actually
have clients that are in their late twenties and they're
upset because they've been to so many weddings, men and women.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
They're like, when is it going to happen for me?
What's wrong with me? Am I going to be single
for the rest of my life?
Speaker 4 (03:29):
Okay? But you know what I always ask my clients
is like is that important to you? Because I think
sometimes we make these comparisons and the idea of whatever
we're comparing ourself to isn't even important to us, Like
maybe a relationship isn't what's a priority in their life?
Right then? Right, they're questioning, like why am I not married? Well,
maybe you should ask yourself do you want to get married?
(03:53):
Do you want to spend time with another individual instead
of spending time what you're focusing on now? Like a
lot of young people are working towards their career. You know,
you don't have a lot of time to date and
go out and kind of, you know, make it happen
for yourselves, because that's maybe not so important at that moment.
So I think comparisons can be really dangerous because we
are only looking through the lens of what the other
(04:15):
individuals want us to see, right, and what's important to them.
Maybe that's not important to you. So I think we
just have to kind of remind ourselves that what we
see on a camera or you know, on Instagram or Facebook,
that's what's important to those individuals. But is that important
to you? And maybe it is. Maybe it is important
to you. Maybe that's an area of your life that
(04:37):
you need to shift and pivot and put a little
more energy into. Do you want to get married, do
you want to have a relationship? Like, how can you
change your life to make that happen for yourself?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
That's that's a very good point.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I find that also those society, not only just the friends,
but society kind of in general also pushes that. Don't
you feel like, oh, you should have a kid by
this time, Oh, or you should be this talented by
this time, or you should have this much money by
this time? And I think that that is also encroaching
on what do I really want? You know, who am I?
(05:09):
And I think that's a big deal. And I think
also too, there's so many people that are automatically find
that they're behind like the eight ball, you know, Like
I'm trying to think of the guy that started like KFC, right, Like,
he didn't become like I guess successful till he was
in his sixties, and he tried so many different business
couldn't pull it off, couldn't make money, couldn't do this,
and then eventually in his sixties he became this multi millionaire.
(05:30):
But it was, like he said that he was always
feeling like he was behind the eight ball, but he
was really working hard, steadily knowing he could get it done.
But I think somebodys that really beats people down because
they're like, you know, especially with the crypto and everything
else going on, and you have these crypto millionaires and
all these people, and you're like, but what's happening for me?
Why haven't I figured out my direction? Why haven't I
decided you know, where am I in history? And I
(05:52):
think that's a question too.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
That is a great point when you talk about the
gentleman with KFC. I think too we have to remember,
like do you have the means? Do you have the
means to get where you want to go? Right? We
have young people that they are encouraged, Oh, everybody, everyone's
got to go to college. Everyone has to you know,
get this amazing job at the end of the rainbow, right,
(06:15):
Like how many young people don't have the discipline maybe
to go to college, the funds to go to college,
or just the ability to make those choices and make
that happen for themselves. Like sometimes we just need life skills,
right to get where we want to go. Okay, you
can be a crypto millionaire, but what are your skills? Like,
(06:36):
how are you going to get there? I think sometimes
we need a roadmap for getting to those places, like
they may not be realistic for everyone, but if that
really is like your true dream, you just need the
right skills maybe to get there and on your own
timeline too. I think that's important when you talk about
how he wasn't very successful until the sixties, Like why
do we let culture dictate what our timeline is for achievements?
Speaker 3 (06:58):
Right?
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Exactly, this isn't your time.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Well, it was interesting, it's interesting you brought that up.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I was in a session recently, This was earlier this week,
and you know, my client and I were talking. He's,
you know, he's in his early thirties, you know, about
thirty four. I consider that early thirties. And you know,
he was like, you know, I still don't have children.
You know, he's been dating somebody for about a year.
She's younger, and he's like, but if I wait till
I have kids, so on forty, I mean, what's gonna happen.
I'm going to be an old man. I was like, well, one,
(07:25):
you're you're far from being an old man too. I said,
you know, it's interesting. Have you ever just stepped back
and looked at things from a different perspective. I said,
your parents had you at a young age for a reason.
Now look at how your grandparents had your parents and
a young age. I said, there was a time period
where people didn't live very long. Okay, there was a
time period where twenty two was old. I mean, you
(07:46):
know you're going to die soon. I mean even if
you if you had like a tooth issue and your
tooth got infected, you could die in the next ten days.
I mean, that's how bad our medical industry was and
everything back in the day.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
It's the urgency. Maybe that's not his timeline.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
And I said, what if you had kids later?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And I said, you know what, sometimes having these experiences
later in life, you have time to enjoy this relationship,
You have time to experience this, You have time to
put some of the hours into what you're doing for
and then you get to jump on another thing and
try out, Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Oh we got kids.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Wow, it's cool because one of the things I found
is that people jump in real quick and they don't
get to know who they are. They don't get to
know who the other person is. We're already having kids. Boom,
here we go, and then you kind of go who
are you? And then there's not that like there's not
that graduation into things. But I said, what if you
step back and say, hey, what if nobody else's timeline
matter to me? What if it doesn't matter? What if
(08:37):
this is all bs, What if this is all some
sort of kind of like smoking mirrors to just kind
of take me down, make me feel bad. What if
I was to create my own roadmap? And I think
that's what you do so well is help people figure out, Hey,
you don't have to listen to all this. Let's look
at what's your map look like, what's your unique like
where are you going?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
What do you want? And then how do you find that?
Speaker 2 (08:59):
Like how do you help people really figure that out
if they don't really know what they want?
Speaker 4 (09:03):
I mean, I think you just have to look at
examine people's values and what they find important, like what
is important to you? And I think that's where we
kind of can take a deep dive with clients and
just kind of examine, like what do they really feel
as important to their life, because I think so often
we're living these lives for other people or for things
that really aren't that important to us. I mean, I
(09:25):
think it's so classic, like it reminds me. You know,
when I was young, and I was before I was married,
I didn't have a lot of means, right, Like I
just kids that went to college or got an education
or went away. They came from family of means, and
my family didn't have that many means. So I felt
like when I was married, or maybe when my career
took off and I had money, I would just shop
(09:47):
all the time, just shop, shop, shop, right, Like I
have money I want this. I want that. I could
never have these things when I was younger, and I
think I kind of came to a place that's not
really important to me. Like it was important to me
when I was young because I couldn't have it, but
then once I had it, it just didn't really have
a lot of meaning to me. And I think as
I've gotten older, what I find important is time. And
(10:10):
I wonder if, like your client who was thinking about
having kids at forty and kind of afraid of like, oh,
I'm going to be so old, you know what you
have when you get older that maybe you don't have
as a young person in your career, and that's the
ability to like flex your time and have time with
people and want to spend your time in like really
productive ways. So you just have to find out what's
(10:31):
important to you and you know from there you can
kind of make more achievable goals, both short and long term.
And I think that's where you help people figure out
what they really want, right.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I agree, Well, when we're returned Eric Coravey Deep Dobby
more in a quarter life crisis, how to understand it,
how to kind of map it and figure out your
direction and stay tuned Live your True Life Perspectives with
your host me Ashley Burgers.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Will be back in you know it.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
I'll be back this time and two shakes.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Turn it up and jump in the deep end on Perspectives.
Now here's Ashley.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Welcome back live to look your two live perspectives and
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's show, Erica has
joined me. We're talking about quarter life crisis and understanding
the self questioning, understanding the soul searching that's involved in
this situation. And it's really important to really analyze this
because a lot of people are going through this, but
they don't actually know what they're going through. They just
sit there and say, I don't like anything that's happening.
(11:38):
I'm questioning everything in my life. I'm looking around. I
don't have any answers. I have more questions than answers,
and I'm getting frustrated. Right before the break, we were
talking Erica about like kind of just figuring out how
do we figure out a roadmap, how do we begin
to start I guess basically filling in the blanks of
what do we really want separate from what everybody else
is doing.
Speaker 4 (11:58):
I mean, I would reckon men, probably to my clients,
just to step back and maybe take stock of what
you have in your life, like what is positive, what
brings you joy. I think that can be really difficult
for people, particularly people who are married, because I sometimes
think maybe their relationship is not bringing them joy, and
that can be a difficult obstacle to confront or overcome.
(12:22):
I think the first step is really just kind of
finding your joy. Where do you feel purpose in your life?
And if you don't feel purpose in any area of
your life, then I think it's time to start thinking
about what interests you, Where do you feel you could
bring value or what would bring value to your life.
I think it's really just kind of taking inventory would
be the first step, wouldn't you agree?
Speaker 2 (12:43):
I agree with you taking inventory, and I think what
you brought up was very interesting. When people are married,
I think that sometimes the relationship could be good, it
could be okay, it could be not so good, it
could be healthy unhealthy, but sometimes you can't even see
the forest through the trees because you're too busy wondering
what they want or and so you're right, it's you
kind of got to take it, like put them in
a vacuum and and really your client and really think
(13:06):
about okay, really looking at what do you want, Separate
from everybody else, Separate from your spouse, you know, separate
like like, don't think about your goals and stuff just
based on that person, because I think you have to
also step out from that a little bit to understand.
And that's where I feel it's so hard, and there's
like that gray area is that it's really hard to
just kind of separate and just say what was it?
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Not not what do they want? But what is it
that I really want to chew?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Because nobody's gonna give you And this is one of
my biggest quotes, nobody's gonna give you a medal of
honor when you die for doing nothing, nothing you wanted
to do.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
I mean like nobody's gonna be like, oh hey goes great.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You know you you know, you sacrificed everything for everybody
and you get this medal, and you're not gonna be like, oh,
thanks for the metal.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
You're gonna be like this sucks. You know.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Nobody's even if you got the medal, you're not gonna
be like oh great, you know, I mean, what do
we do?
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Then?
Speaker 3 (13:56):
That's that's the big question.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
You know what you bring it good. That's a great concept.
I think you want to ask yourself, like who and
what are your influences? Who's influencing you? Because maybe it's
not your spouse. Maybe it's your girlfriends that are unhappy
in their marriage and they're talking you into thinking you're
unhappy in your relationship. I know we've all had a
friend like that. Maybe you find yourself scrolling on social
(14:19):
media too much. Maybe TikTok and Instagram and all those
social pages are influencing you. I think that's a a
big factor. You got to find out, like what are
the influences in your life? Because I think maybe once
you make that right, then you're doing things that bring
you joy. Right, Because when you say you don't get
a metal for doing what everybody else or sacrificing your
(14:41):
life with the needs of others or the wants of others,
I think your influences have a big factor in how
you live your life.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Right, That's very true, Like who's influence you? Maybe right now,
you know everybody that's listening or watching this video or
listening to the podcast or listening on the radio.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
You know, it's like who is influencing me.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
And really think about it. Writing down those just stick
it in your head. I mean, it's like having a
grocery list. I mean it's hard enough to even get
groceries that you need and remember everything without writing it down.
These are kind of deep concepts, So write it down.
Who is influencing me, you know, and why are they
influencing me?
Speaker 3 (15:12):
And what's the impact that they have? Well, man, this
could be family.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
What are they gaining too?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Because we always talk about boundaries, you know, like only
people that benefit from your lack of boundaries, it's others exactly.
It's other people. They get unhappy when you have boundaries.
But I think it's important to understand who our influences are.
Like I know a lot of people like you know,
if you're spiritual, right, you feel like you're kind of
driven by like what your faith pushes you towards, Like
(15:38):
is that important to you? Do you want to live
more in that light? Right? That could be something that
you could explore. But I think we have to kind
of know who our influences are when we step back.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
I agree, who's influencing you? What do they need?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
But more so it's like because I think sometimes we
also confuse that, you know, if if someone is like
kind of the squeak of your wheel. And I had
a conversation right before, right before the show, I had
a conversation with somebody on the phone and I said,
you know, I said, my hesitation is the fact that
your emotions are always there and you're always expressing those emotions,
(16:11):
which is good, but you don't leave room for other
people to express their emotions. And if somebody is not
really expressing their emotions and they're not really expressive that much,
then that person is shut down. And so all we're
doing is we're just mapping, based on your emotions, your
feelings at the time, how you feel. And I said,
and that gets really challenging. And I said, you know,
for people, I'm not a very I'm in touch with
(16:33):
my emotions. Okay, it's not like I'm not in touch,
but my emotions don't run me.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Okay, because you have regulation right and emotional regulation right.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
But there's other people that their emotions do run them,
and so when you're trying to participate or be there,
it seems like their emotions always take front seat.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
I love that concept because it kind of makes me
think about a client I had who was afraid to
take like a bold step.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Right.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
She wanted to separate from her spouse house, and they
lived in a pretty affluent area, and she felt she
could not move forward to leave her husband and kind
of explore other areas of her life because she was
too consumed with what her friends and community people would
think of her. Right, So she was using that as
(17:18):
like an emotional crutch, so to speak, not to leave.
And I feel like, sometimes we really need to think
about what you said about, like not letting your emotions
kind of dictate the decisions that you make or the
choices that you make. Put that to the side, because
that's valid, right, We have to experience those feelings, but
you can't let the desires and the thoughts and the
opinions of others drive how you react or the decisions
(17:42):
that you make in your life. And I think it
can be very emotional oftentimes when you're making these bold steps,
but you have to kind of step back, right, like,
how is this going to benefit me in the long run?
And what do those influences, how do they fit in
my picture, you know, looking down the road.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
And these are some deep thoughts.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
You know, it's not something that you just do for
five minutes when you're in the drive through it, you know, Starbucks,
it's just like something you got to go, you know,
really like deep dive in that, because I do.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
I think people get so lost, and I think it's
easy to get lost because also it's easier to sit
there and dictate your life based on, well, I have
to take care of that, or I have this responsibility
expect you married to that, or I have my my
mother is having you know, health issues, and so I
have to participate in that.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I can't do this, I can't do that, I have
to do this and so.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
And I think also though sometimes that takes the responsibility
off of us from making decisions. But then later on
down the road there's crunch time, so it's like, you know,
that's when you really here's your crutch, right as exactly,
I got to do this for them, you.
Speaker 4 (18:41):
Know, exactly exactly, And we make our excuses like the
inability to do things, like you said, it is based
on like the expectations of others and like the responsibilities
of others. But sometimes we have to, like there comes
a point in your life where you really have to
prioritize yourself and like find what you love, what brings
you joy, and you know, what serves you, right, Like,
(19:02):
you can't always be serving others. That really doesn't work
in real time, right, And I'm not saying that like
you should be this completely selfish individual and only do
what makes you happy. But I just mean, like, you know,
when you get to the end of your life, most
people really just think about the things they didn't do,
the challenges that they you know, didn't accept or maybe
kind of those bold decisions.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Yeah, it gives me the heavy g I mean seriously,
because you're right, you get to that point where we've
used all the crutches, you know, we've pushed the responsibility out,
you know, and then you kind of go, wait a second,
because it gets worse. And I've realized that because I've
done it, I think we've all done it. Oh yeah,
you know, we've all done it.
Speaker 4 (19:42):
We've all been in relationships way too long. You knew
you should have dipped out right because you were scared.
I mean I can remember being in my early twenties
and like, continue your relationship with somebody that I really
did not like. But I really loved all of his friends.
Oh and I really liked his family, and I felt like, gosh,
I just put up with this because I really still
want to be part of this group and I want
(20:03):
to be with these people. But you know what, in
the long run, it wasn't I mean, it wasn't gonna last.
And so it was just kind of delaying the pain
or the heart of the loneliness. But you got to
make some bold decisions to get bold results, right, You
gotta just kind of rip that band aid off sometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah, I mean I agree with you, and I understand completely,
and I think everybody out there listening know what's it's
like thinking about that. I mean, everybody has a band
aid on. Everybody's holding on, everybody's waiting, everybody's trying to
be the wooss on what they need to do on this.
And so where is it? What is it in the
direction that you're kind of woosing out on? Is it
you know your direction and where you want to go
in life as far as you know your work?
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Or is it you know?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Is it is a career? Is it family? Is it
having children? Is it meeting somebody? Is it whatever that is?
And figuring that out, and I think we've had Like
it's interesting because we've had this revival and I don't know,
you know, back because of the last few years. And
I don't I don't want to say the C word,
COVID word, but anyway, you know, it's like all these
people decided, I'm gonna, you know, take this van and
I'm gonna I'm gonna change this van out and I'm
(21:04):
gonna drive around the world and I'm gonna drive all
over it.
Speaker 4 (21:07):
Don't you kind of secretly wish you could do that?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
I got friends that did it that. I mean, I
got friends that are still doing it.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
Listen, I would do that in a minute. And I
don't know, like there's my band aid that holds me back, right,
Like I feel like I can't let go of all
these things in my life. Like I love my car,
but I think too, Like listen, I love kind of
that first that starter career, Like I love that mentality.
That seems to be a phrase I see a lot lately,
is where you know what kids go to school, young
(21:37):
people go to school. You have this career and then
you kind of get three years into it and you're like,
oh my god, what have I done? I cannot. I'm
over here killing myself in Microsoft Excel, right, Like that's
not really where I find joy. But they're scared. They're
so scared to go back and try something different because
I think, you know, do I have the means? Can
I support myself? What will people think? My parents wait
(22:00):
for my education? You know? My wife depends on my income.
Like that's a scary time in your life too, you know,
And I think it kind of comes up quarter life crisis,
mid life crisis, Like, you know, I just think, like
you don't really know what you're capable of until you try.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
You don't, You don't.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
And we're gonna we're gonna talk more about that when
we return, because we really don't know what we're capable
and we're gonna deep dive with that with Erica here.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
In just a minute.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So stay tuned liber True Life Perspectives with your host
medi Astley Burgers will be back in I'll be back.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
This time, you know it.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with
Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Welcome back live to liver a true life perspectives. And
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. Erica's joining me today in studio,
and we've been talking about quarterway prices and this is
affecting a lot of people. And right before the break,
we were talking about, you know, we have these responsibilities,
we feel tethered, we don't know exactly what to do,
you know, pulling off that band aid and you know,
let's deep dive into that more because I think that
(23:14):
a lot of times when people are in this situation,
it's like when you get into something that's really hard
to understand in your life, Like you kind of see
it and you start walking down the mental pathway of
getting there, and then you kind of have like this
fog thing and then you're like, yeah, I'm just gonna
go get some neat, Like I'm not going to focus
on this anymore. I'm just gonna let that go. You know,
how do you kind of move past that fear factor?
(23:36):
Maybe it's not even conscious, maybe it's like a subconscious deal.
How do you move past that to start investigating because
I think people kick this down the road, kicking and
kicking this can down the road for quite a bit
of time. And this and you know, a quarter life
crisis could turn into a midlife crisis based on how
long you wait on something.
Speaker 4 (23:53):
I mean, that's a great point, you know. I think
it's like not to sell our profession further, but I
think like therapist or coaching, I think that can be
a great a tremendous sense of support when you're doing
something bold and different and maybe with some difficulty, like
just having kind of that coach in your corner, right,
(24:13):
like somebody who's going to help push you down the
road a little bit to get closer to that goal.
But I don't know. I think you have to have
just wins every day, right, Like whether it's a spiritual win,
like a physical win. Maybe you maybe if you work
out once a day kind of gets you to a
better place mentally. Maybe if you pray a little bit
every day, maybe if you do something that gets you
(24:36):
a little bit closer to your career goals, like research
or reading or listening to a podcast kind of in
that direction. I think you have to have a little
bit of a win though, every day to kind of
get to that place. Maybe it takes you five years,
maybe it takes you five months. But I think if
you're kind of working and you have a good support
system or some framework to get there. I think you
can get there. I think everybody has the ability to
(24:57):
get there.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
So let's talk about the few wins.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And this is something I've been working on too, uh
in my life recently. Is for example, Okay, I I
try to work out every single day. I try to
run about six or seven miles a day.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
I do it indoors, so I don't screwt my knees
and my legs and all this stuff, because you know,
it's a stupid like uneven ground and everything. You could
be out for like six weeks with some bad injury,
you know, and then you can't.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Work out at all.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
And so I'm on the olliptical and I you know,
most of the time, my brand of doing something is,
let you know, listening to music. And the other day
it kind of just hit me. And I've had it
kind of come back and forth, back and forth. But
I'm like, you know what I'm not. I'm gonna listen,
I'm gonna watch the podcast, I'm gonna listen to this video.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go into something that really interests
me separately, something that I really want to, you know,
educate myself on and that's something that I've been doing.
(25:44):
So instead of listening to the music that I've listened
to over and over again, I'm starting to add that
into my life, you know. Uh, I'm also starting to
think about things like in a bigger level. Like you know,
for many of you, like me, you sit at your
desk hour after hour, day after day. Uh, and sometimes
you lose sight of kind of the timeline. And so
I've been trying to just figure out, like, what's a
(26:05):
small thing that I can do that I can feel
more empowered. What's something that I can learn that might
also give me a different trajectory? You know, who else
can I get involved with? Who else can I bring aboard?
What are those thought processes? And I guess what I'm
saying is trying to open my mind a little bit,
even if it's a small thing, trying to incorporate more
things in my life that bring some sort of education, intelligence, happiness,
(26:30):
depth something well.
Speaker 4 (26:32):
I mean, I mean the science is behind it, right,
Like when you achieve little goals, it kind of catapults
you to want to achieve bigger goals. Right, So if
you're having those little wins every day, Like listening to
an educational podcast. I mean, when you get off that elliptical,
not only have you worked out, but you kind of
feel like, you know, I want to give myself a
pat on the back. I did something today that like
(26:52):
was enriching to what my ultimate goal is. I think
we know that science is there. Those little goals add
like achieving those smaller things kind of add up and
it's a little bit easier to take those bolder steps
right and like maybe reach a little bit higher, but
just having a sense of achievement, like I can do this,
I can do this right, like I did seventy five
(27:13):
hard last year. Have you ever heard of that? We
have to work out every day twice a day, indoor outdoor,
you're drinking water, you're taking pictures. That was probably the
hardest thing I've ever done in my life, Like truly
the hardest thing. It would be twenty degrees and I'd
have to go outside for forty five minutes. At the
end of that seventy five days, you know, regardless of
the like physical benefits, I felt like I had the
(27:37):
ability to do something bolder right, Like I could try
something I've never tried before I can work with clients
that I've never worked with, I can do more research. Like,
I think we all have a little bit of imposter
syndrome where we feel like maybe we're not where we're
supposed to be or you know, other people are going
to find out, And I think those little winds just
build that confidence up.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Right.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
I think that's really important in day to day life
is just find your win, right.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
And I think one of the best things too in
that process is stop judging yourself, like like the personal
judgments and the beating downs of oh my god.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
I'm not where I want to be at. I'm not
doing this, I'm not making.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
This money, i haven't had this, i haven't met this person.
I mean, that's getting in the way. And anytime I
beat up myself or put myself down, it's not helping
in anyway. Shit, Ian, when was the last time that
you told your friend, Hey, you're an idiot, get your
head out of your ass. You know you're screwing up.
I mean, look at all this stuff you're creating. This
is horrible. When did that ever help anybody? Yes, I mean,
you know, talking to somebody and maybe you know bringing
(28:34):
up some things that need some light is one thing.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
But you know, the way we talk to ourselves is
so important.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
I'm not saying that you should be like Mamby Pamby
like everything is like, you know, rainbows and unicorns, but
I'm saying, hey, like, try to be helpful, try to
talk to yourself like most of you are very you know,
like empathetic. You care about people. Most of the people
that are listening and watching this show are. I mean,
that's the avatar of people that watch and listen to
my content care about other people. Sometimes you're taking advantage
(28:59):
by other people, but you do care about other people.
And so I feel like, try to give someone that
care to yourself maybe a little bit before you just
beat yourself up over what you haven't done.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
Another health professional gave me some great advice years ago,
and she's like, follow the advice that you would give
your daughter, your mother, your best friend. Like what kind
of encouragement when you give those folks when they maybe
are you know, have something disappointing happened in their life,
or maybe they haven't achieved something You wouldn't say like
(29:30):
like you said before, like ugh, you're doing terrible. How
do you live with yourself. You would say to your
friend or your daughter, or your sister or your mother, like, Okay,
come on, you know what. We all have disappointments, we
all have failures, but it just gets us one closer
to like one step closer to where we want to be.
And I think we just have to give ourselves the
same encouragement that we would give others.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
I agree with you, I agree with you.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Uh. It's interesting, though, and it's hard to just have
that awareness and I and I also think too is
like trying to slow down time. Like time to me
is kind of like it's circular, it's consistent.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
I don't really know.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
I don't I don't look at it as a linear thing.
And I think sometimes we have to look at it
as like, Okay, hey, I have the time. Let's not
focus on that, because I think sometimes when you go, well,
I don't have time, I don't have time, just the
idea of saying I don't have time or I'm running
out of time, that's a stressor on its own as well.
Speaker 4 (30:22):
Okay, but I feel like when people say they don't
have time, it's because they're spending too much time doing
things for others.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
Right, because talk about that.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Yeah, I mean it's true when you do, when you
spend your time the way that you enjoy it, I
think you'll find you've got plenty of it, because when
you don't have time, it means you're too busy working
for someone else. And I'm not talking about like career work.
I'm talking about spousal work, parent work, friend work. I mean,
you know, you just need to make sure that your
time is your own right. If you're spending too much
(30:51):
time for other people, I think you'll find you'll have
very little of it.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Oh, that's very important telling me about there are dealing
with that, whether it's a spouse, you know, significant other,
a family member, or several friends that are taking up
a lot of your time and effort. And it's becoming
like a second career, you know, a second job of
fo you to do.
Speaker 4 (31:10):
There's always folks that want to get you to do
things for them. I mean you think about just your
day to day activities. People really want your time and
I think that's our most valuable possession and you have
to treat it as such, right like, you have to
think about it. When someone asks you to do something
for you, think about it. Is this the best use
of my time. Like I'm not saying that we do
(31:30):
things for others to get something reciprocal, but like, is
this going to bring value to you? Like, is this
a person that values your time? Like will I you know,
if I ask them to do something for me, would
they do something for me? Like you really have to
treat time as like your highest or your greatest equity
in your life.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
That's very true. And so yeah, there's two sides to it,
but you're right, you need to own your time. Yeah,
for sure, I need to own your time.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
And when I think when you do that, I think
you'll find that your goals are a little bit more achievable,
right because you don't have the static of all those
kind of activities and mundane things you're doing for others
getting in the way. You can kind of push that
aside and see the future a little bit clear.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Very true, very true, And so think about that, maybe,
you know, looking at your life and taking an inventory
of who is taking the most time out of your
life and putting that list together, you know, and really
look at it and putting it in order of operations,
because that's something we don't look at either. Sometimes this
can go under the radar. You may have just met somebody,
been in a relationship for a few months, and it
seems like all of a sudden your life has changed,
(32:30):
and you're like giving and giving to this person, but
get not getting that much in a return. And we're
we're not sitting there saying, oh, I have to get
this much and you got to give this much. But
you know, we're not keeping score, but being aware of
these types of things because somebody or multiple somebodies can
really change someone's trajectory.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Oh, very quickly.
Speaker 4 (32:46):
You're spending all your time doing things that that partner
wants to do. Right, where's your joy? Are you gonna
find like that you're resentful towards the other person down
the road? Like you have to set really strong boundaries
with people when it comes to time.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Yeah, that's a big deal, right, and.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Then where does that get you?
Speaker 2 (33:04):
We can do a show and remment. Let's just talk
about resentment. You know, we're gonna talk about resentment for
four hours. We're gonna have a callers, that's what we're
gonna talk about it. I want people to call out
the names of the people that they're resentful.
Speaker 4 (33:16):
That's that's very good.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
We're gonna get them on the phone too with you.
But no, I think I think it's true. And so
when we were trying to be talking more about this,
because you know, we do have to have a road map,
and Erica is very clear about how to create that
we want to talk about, this gives some help and
some you know, examples of things that you can start
doing right now, some homework, you might say, to start,
you know, making things work and to start getting to
some sort of answers, because I agree that more answers
(33:40):
are better than all questions. To stay tuned, leave your
true Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Birders will
be back in. I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Welcome back live to look your Too Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. We've been talking today about
quarter life crises and how to understand it and how
to stop you know, looking at other people's lives and
baking judgment calls in our own life. And right before
the break, we were talking about resentment and how when
we give a lot of our energy or too much
of our energy, you might say, too much of our
(34:30):
you know, our direction and all that we can get
resentful in Erica.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
I think that's interesting is that we have to really
monitor where is most of our energy going, who is
taking most of the energy, but also who are we
giving most of it too.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
It's true and like like we talked about earlier too,
like our influences, like right, the people that we're spending
the most time with, those are usually the people that
are influencing the decisions that we make in our day
to day life. Right, because if they're in your life
all day, then they're the ones that are going to
be in your ear. So I think the first thing
that I usually recommend that my clients do is, like,
let's take stock. Let's make a list of the people
(35:05):
that we spend the majority of our time with, who
are the people that influence the decisions that we make,
and we really take some deep dives into those people
and see where their value lies and where they are
in our life, like where do they belong? Like your mother,
Maybe your mother's in your ear telling you all the
things that you should be do you know you should
do or where you should kind of focus your time, Like, Okay,
(35:28):
that's a great idea. Like I get some good source
of advice from my mom, But like, is that going
to be our biggest source of influence? Like has our
mother gone down the same path we have? You know,
maybe our mom is a stay at home mom and
we want to be in our career driven, you know, lifestyle.
Maybe that's not the person that we're going to get
advice from. Maybe that's not going to be our best influence.
Maybe we're going to go and seek out someone who's
(35:48):
kind of walked that walk or taken that path we
want to go on. So I think we just have
to examine our influences and determine where we can get
a greater source of influence that'll get us where we
want to be down the line. So I think that's
probably the first step. It's just kind of identifying who's
in our ear and where we're getting our ideas from.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
That's super important because you're right who you're getting your
advice from, because everybody, usually unless you're dealing with somebody
that's a professional, you know, a therapist or a professional coach,
is not they're giving you advice based on their own life.
They're giving you their advice based on their own fears.
They're giving you their advice based on their own shortcomings,
and unfortunately not that they're trying to do that, but
(36:27):
that's what happens. And so there can be a you know,
a very I guess just not what is necessarily needed
to hear. And then sometimes this can get you further
off base, you know, I mean, and I'm not saying
that our parents don't want the best for us or whatever,
but sometimes you know, the things that they had to
do and the things that they couldn't do and the
changes they had to make will influence their conversation with us.
Speaker 4 (36:48):
I love that you just said limits because I always
think that when someone tells you can't do something, it's
because it's their limit. They can't do it, so they're
impressing their limits on you. So you need to make
sure that the people around you and the people you're
listening to have your best interest at heart. They believe
you can do what you want to do.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Right.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
They're not imposing their will or their limits on you.
They're allowing you the space to achieve your highest limit, right,
And that's really like who we need around us, people
who believe that we can achieve things, let's beyond where
we're at at that moment.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
So true, and if we're if we surround ourselves with
people that have those limitations or discuss that or put
those limitations on us, that's just going to give us
further away from where we need to be at.
Speaker 4 (37:31):
Oh yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
And that's interesting because it's interesting that we've talked about
this too as well, because I've had that before where
I've brought up something to somebody that you know, I said, Hey,
I'm thinking about doing this, and they, oh.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
You know, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
But then I look back and I realize they don't
have the bandwidth to do that, right, They don't have
the bandwidth to even take that. It wasn't about me
not being able to do it, you know. But then
at first, for like a few weeks, you're setting, oh,
I guess I'm not going to do that, and then
you realize, oh, they don't have the bandwidth to do
that in their.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
Own hundred percent right. And I think, you know, there
are particular kinds of people, maybe people who have like
a string of jealousy. But I always say, like, you know,
you need to be around people that want to feel
your sunshine, right like, they want to see you succeed
because they're not afraid to feel the warmth from what
you're achieving. You know, I know, there's just so many
(38:19):
people that they're influenced by you. They don't want you
to achieve greatness because they're afraid that makes them, like
feel like they're not worthy or they haven't achieved great things.
So you want to be with people who want to
feel your warmth and you know, rise to the highest
level they can go to too.
Speaker 3 (38:37):
So that's very smart.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Yeah, that's very smart sort of looking at the people
that are around you.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
And also and it's not about you. You're not always
exactly the people you're around. But birds with fathers do
flock together. But what I've also found too is just
be very careful, be very aware of any sort of
negative influences that are in your life and be able
to spot it because it can go it can go
under the radar and somebody and sometimes we don't realize
maybe there's a friend or somebody in your life that's
(39:04):
not adding to your quality of life, but really taking
away from it and analyze that too, because if you
have that in your life. You might not even be
aware of it, and that person's like creating all this
kind of static in your mind, these feelings that you're having,
which is making you even more confused. But I really
do advocate because these are things that you got to
get really real, You got to really see it, You
(39:26):
got to be aware, and awareness is key. You can't
just go around just oh whatever, You have to be
super aware of everybody around.
Speaker 4 (39:32):
Your intentional and you know, just circling back to like
midlife crisis, quarter life crisis. I think sometimes we surround
ourselves with friendships of circumstance, right, I mean, we have
these relationships like these people around us because we went
to school together, they were you know, I work with them.
And I think that's like something that a lot of
us kind of get into is where we've now we've
(39:54):
surrounded ourselves with people by circumstance, not by choice. And
I want my clients and the viewers to think of
out do I choose you? Would I choose you to
be my friends? And I think that can be difficult
because we believe, like we don't want to you know,
ruin a friendship or relationship or whatever. But like I
think sometimes friendships are seasonal, right, Like the people around you,
(40:15):
Like maybe they're there for that moment in time, for
that career or that job or that stage of your life.
But like when you move forward, maybe you have to
leave those people behind.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Yeah, I mean that's that's definitely true. Like you, I've
known them for years, you know. I think also another
concept too, And I'm not getting down on family. Okay,
we're not getting down on a family. But just because
somebody's your family doesn't mean you have to hang out
with them all the time. Okay, And I know that
some of y'all go, you know, they.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Don't always have your best interest at heart.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
No, I mean, just because our family doesn't mean that
they're always going to be there for you. They're they're
gonna be genuine, or they're gonna be the one that
advises you to give you this great advice. I mean,
so really think about that too. Don't not to say
that there's not great family out there, but don't let
family the name, the name, the label family camouflage the
fact that you might be dealing with a wolf. I mean,
if somebody's you know, not not really participating in a
(41:02):
positive level or seems to take you down a notch
or kind of make you feel bad or seems to
get you know, relish off of maybe things that aren't
working for you. You know, because we've all had those family
members where the first thing when you walk into a
family re union, you know, they're, oh, I heard that
something happened to you, you know, and it's it's it's
this whole down trot.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
You know, they find joy and like your failures, oh
for sure, right because they you know, that's they kind
of push you down to lift themselves up. You have
to be like very careful of those folks. And there's
people like that and like friend groups like you know,
when my kids were younger, I had you know, friendships
of circumstance, right, Like I just spoke about and there
was always a few in the group that were kind
of I don't want to say joyful, but like took
(41:44):
the light in like the failures of my kids or
you know, maybe a failure I had, and I think, gosh,
you know what, like why would I even surround myself
with those kind of individuals, Like it's time for me
to make some bold choices, Like I got to do
something for myself and leave these people behind because it's
just not positive. It doesn't bring value.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
That's so true.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
That's so true, and I think so that so definitely
kind of putting together that list, like starting to see
the folks that are not maybe positive aspects in your
life and start working with that. You know, like when
do you think, like, you know, when you work with clients,
you know, do you see how long does it take
to get somebody to almost at least.
Speaker 3 (42:20):
Have some clarity what's through the er?
Speaker 2 (42:22):
I mean, everybody's different, but what's the average of somebody
actually having you know, Oh, I do see the forest
through the trees.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
I am seen light at the end of tunnel.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
I mean, I think there's definitely some deep dives that
need to happen with clients about like, you know, figuring
out what they're really their true purposes, right, Like it
kind of takes a couple of weeks to get into that.
I mean, I would say probably within six or eight
weeks we kind of know the direction we're going in,
and then from there it's like, okay, let's walk this, like,
(42:49):
let's figure out how we get there, Let's get moving
and see if we can make some progress. And get
you where you want to be. But I would say
like six to eight weeks we have a pretty clear
focus of what they want, right, Maybe getting there takes longer,
you know, and I'm sure there's a lot of failures
along the way, but like we really do find that
it takes a good six to eight sessions to kind
(43:11):
of take stock of their life, figure out what's important,
you know, really do the work to figure out where
they want to be. And from there it's more just
it's action, right, It's action on behalf of the client, Like,
are you ready to take that step? I'm gonna be
there with ye. But how difficult is that going to
be to navigate? You know, it could be something as
difficult as you know, separating from a partner, that can
(43:33):
be really difficult, you know, quitting your job and trying
something new, going back to school at forty years old.
I mean those are bold moves. But you know, I
think the reward can be really tremendous. I really do.
I think sometimes when we live through the lens of
other people, life can be not as fulfilling. But I
think when you make big choices, I think there's big rewards.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
I agree with you or I agree with you. Yeah,
we have a lot. So Erica is going to be
on the podcast radio show quite a coming up here.
We have a lot of stuff to talk about. I
think that this connects with a lot of people. We're
gonna be talking more about midlife crisis. I also want
to talk with you in a future show about purpose
finding and really dedicating time to that, because I don't
think we dedicate enough time to.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Really finding ourselves.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
I mean, the whole reason, and I've said this before
and I'll say it again, the whole reason we're on
this planet is to figure out who we are. It's
not to figure out who everybody else is. Yes, it's
helpful to have people around you, and it's great to
get to know them, But the little thing that's been
hidden this whole time is you got.
Speaker 3 (44:26):
To figure out you.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yeah, Like that's the whole That's the whole thing right there.
That's the ancelotas So everything else is great, it's a sidebar,
it's fun, but that's what it's all about.
Speaker 4 (44:35):
It's true, I think, like, and that's something that most people,
like you said, will float through life, like being really present,
being where your feet are, just kind of being there
and enjoying all the different parts of yourself can be
really really exciting.
Speaker 3 (44:48):
It really is, Erica, thanks for coming in.
Speaker 4 (44:51):
Yeah, thanks for having me. I've enjoyed it.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
I can't wait to have you back on. Yeah, let's
do it awesome. Well, there you go.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Eric will be back here in studio asap. We have
a lot of great shows to come up with and
to connect with, and please share with your family and friends.
And obviously if you're listening to the podcast, you're listening
on Apple, you can listen on Spotify, iHeart as well
as speaker, and also on the website check out the
Asthleyburgers dot com Ashley Burgers dot com. We got a
new we got a new makeover, so go check that out.
(45:19):
And you can also find out information on Erica right
there as well. If you go to coaching, you click down,
you see Erica's profile, you can read her bio. You
can also set up an appointment right there online with
her as well.
Speaker 3 (45:29):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
We've got more content, more shows coming up, and live
your true life perspectives with your host me.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
Asthley Birds will be back in.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
I'll be back this time in three shakes.
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