January 29, 2025 • 38 mins
We hear the term narcissist thrown around a lot in daily discussion. However not all narcissism and narcissists are created equal. Some people possess a few narcissistic tendencies while others seem to display all signs and symptoms. However their is a more extreme form of narcissism that makes the regular brand of narcissism look like child’s play. A Malignant Narcissist is a narcissist that demonstrates others signs and symptoms that an overt or covert narcissist does not. This type of narcissism goes far beyond being self-absorbed or grandiosity. Under the surface, their thoughts and actions can have a calculated and sinister approach, causing significant hurt and pain to those around them. Understanding the malignant narcissist is crucial for setting boundaries and safeguarding ourselves. By identifying their traits and gaining a deeper understanding of their behavior, we empower ourselves to navigate these challenging relationships. When it comes to the malignant narcissist, knowledge truly is power.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,
Ashley Burgess. We hear the word narcissism thrown around quite
a bit, but narcissism isn't all the same. There's not
just one brand of narcissism. Sure, you have your regular
brand narcissism, and a lot of people have signs and
(00:34):
symptoms of being narcissistic. They might not have all the
signs and symptoms, but they might have a couple. But
there's a particular type of narcissism that really does stand
out in the crowd, a particular type of narcissism that
you might not be aware of that you're dealing with.
And if you're dealing with this type of narcissism, this
brand of narcissism, you need to safeguard yourself. This person
(00:58):
is not just interested in their grandiose the perspective that
people have about them, the way they see them, how
they look. There is more going on behind the scenes.
There is more sinister stuff going on behind the scenes
that can actually hurt you. And so in today's podcast,
I'm gonna be talking about malignant narcissist, How to really
(01:21):
identify a malignant narcissist, because this is very important. We
have to talk about identification to understand what we're dealing with,
and that takes some time. We can't just automatically look
at identification and run into how do we solve it?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
We need to get a clear.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Concise understanding of what we're dealing with, be able to
identify it properly so that we can eventually, you know,
deal with it, you know, respond create those boundaries, you know,
safeguard ourselves. Whether we have to safeguard ourselves physically or legally,
or mentally or emotional or both, are all we have
(02:01):
to really focus on that. And so in today's show,
we're going to be discussing malignant narcissists and how to
really understand what we're dealing with, because it really is important.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Knowledge is power, and if.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
You don't know what you're dealing with, you can't begin
to safeguard yourself in these situations. And I know that
many of us know what an overt narcissists and and
and that's pretty pretty clear. And to the point, there's
been lots and lots of lots and lots of shows,
lots and lots of videos on narcissism. You know that
grandiose self esteem, self of importance that you know, those
(02:36):
fantasies that they have about you know, success and power,
and you know they believe they're special and unique. You
know that constant need for attention and admiration, that sense
of entitlement even if they haven't done anything to deserve it.
A tendency to use others people to get what they want,
very very much of a lack of empathy and unwillingness
(02:56):
to understand others or to even have or understand the
feelings of others, being envious of others, and that sense
of arrogance. And that's all good and well, and that's
your normal brand of narcissism. But we really need to
dig deep into what a malignant narcissist is like, because
many of you may be in a relationship with, in
a family dynamic with, in a work environment with somebody
(03:20):
that has malignant narcissistic signs. This person is even more
unhealthy and toxic than your regular brand of narcissist. It
makes your regular brand narcissists like a walk in the park.
It makes them look like the nice guy, the nice girl,
you know, the person that you want to hang out
with all the time, which is not the truth. But
when you put them side by side, you know there's
(03:41):
one that's going to be all about self. But they're
not going to be necessarily trying to hurt you. The
malignant narcissist is. So let's talk about that malignant narcisst
because you know, in the beginning, a malignant narcissist is
good usually with the mask, and that's how they get
in on the relationship, right, That's how it all works out.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
It's not like you go, oh wow, this is a
milignant narcissist.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I'm you know, I'm going to take them in, you know,
oh wow, this is going to be the greatest relationship
with this malignant narcissist. Oh I'm going to marry this
malignant narcisis.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
You don't.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
It's not like you're saying that this person has a mask.
They've worn the mask for a very long time. The
mask only comes down when you are in a relationship,
when you're living with them. If you're a family member
and a lot of you out there might be dealing
with a family member or brother or sister that might
be a malignant narcissist. Okay, so let's talk about some
of this right now. The first thing is, just like
(04:35):
a regular narcissist, they are preoccupied with the fantasies of
success and power and beauty and you know, being the
next model and all this stuff, no matter how old
they are, no matter what they look like. You know,
they believe that they are God's gift to creation, so
everything about them is phenomenal. They cannot handle any type
of criticism, and so they can dish out. See, the
(04:58):
thing is as interesting with a narci and a malignant nurses.
They can dish out, you know, the criticism, and they
can be very very very mean, very toxic in their
dishing out of criticism, usually cutting you down the size
over and over again, you know, putting you in your place,
that sort of sort of thing.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
But if you are to bring up anything.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
About what they've done, even if it's something as simple
as you know, oh, hey you didn't take care of
that today, or hey I thought you were gonna start
looking for a job. You know, I've been talking about
that for a few years. Whatever that looks like they
can't handle it, and they will fight you. They will
start a huge tantrum. They will take you down on
something like that and they'll hold.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
It over your head.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
They will lash out no matter what if they feel slighted,
if they feel at all, like if you don't act
right when you walk in the door and you say hi,
but you don't say hi the right way, if you say,
you know, hey, what's up? Oh Hey, you're gonna you're
gonna start using the word hey with me. You know
what kind of what kind of what kind of deal
is that? If you don't make the proper eye contact, uh,
(06:06):
they will lash out. They will have an argument about it.
They are also the types of people that will take
advantage of other people to get exactly what they want.
They will use people, They will create elaborate, you know, schemes.
They will use people to get what they want. And
(06:26):
it could be a long game too. It doesn't have
to be short game. A lot of these folks are
playing a long game, and I mean they're willing to
go in it for a while.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
It's not like the short you know, the short game
where they're trying to take you for something. They're trying
to actually take your soul. They're not just trying to
take some of your money. So you got to understand
that a lot of these folks are in for the
long game, and so be careful because in the beginning
that mask is fully on. They are wearing that mask
to make sure that you don't see who they are.
And by the way, once you do find out who
they are, the outside world for the most part, doesn't
(06:56):
because they're still playing that game, because then they're gonna
use that later to make other people feel like if
you bring it up to other people what they're doing,
they're gonna try to make you look like you're losing
your mind. You're going and saying you're the problem, you're
the issue.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
So remember that.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And that's the biggest struggle when you're dealing with a
malignant narcissist is they will try to make you by yourself,
put you by yourself so that you're in your own
pain and agony when you do try to reach out
to other people, making you seem kind of weird, stupid,
maybe under the influence, maybe you have some sort of
mental issue yourself, that sort of thing. Now at the
same time, they're completely overconcerned about their appearance. You know,
(07:34):
it's the same type of people that'll get dressed up
to sit around the house.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
They they're constantly on Instagram. You'll see folks where it's
constant posing, you know, constant pictures of just themselves. There's
nobody else in the pictures, and it's all and sometimes
scantily clad, that sort of thing in order to get
your attention. Now, it's interesting because they expect to be
treated at a higher level than anybody else, and they're
(08:03):
also looking to other people to get that narcissistic supply.
So they want other people to validate them. They want
other people to kiss their ass. They want other people
to think that they're so great. So in the beginning,
they're going to play a game with you. In the beginning,
you are going to think that this person is that great.
In the beginning, they will create the narrative, and you
(08:24):
will help create the narrative with them, because they will
use love bombing to get your attention, you know, to
act like they are you know God's green, you know
God's gift to you, that they're gonna help you, They're
gonna do all these things. In reality, it's not gonna happen,
but in the beginning, it's gonna feel like it. And
they're doing all this so they can get their narcissistic
supply from you, and eventually they don't have to be
(08:46):
this fake, nice love bombing thing. They're gonna get their
supply from you in a negative way, But in the beginning,
they're gonna create this false sense of security with you.
They're gonna basically create this false sense of acceptance with you,
So you're gonna tell them all your thoughts and feelings
and everything about your past, past relationships so that they
can use this later to basically bombarde you and make
(09:09):
you feel bad, puts you down, hurts you, and all
those types of things in an effort to get what
they want from you, to disparage you, and the list
goes on.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
We're talking about those signs of a malignant narcissist. Libertrue
Life Perspectives with your host media Ashley Burgess. We'll be
back in I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Turn it up and jump in the deep end on Perspectives.
Now Here's Ashley.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Welcome back live to Libertrue Life Perspectives and I'm your
host Ashley Burgess on today's show, we're examining what makes
a malignant narcissist. Well, looking at narcissists is very different
from a regular brand of narcissists. And right before the break,
I was talking about how they create they want this
narcissistic supply, and in the beginning, like most narcissists, they
(10:11):
create this love bombing to get your attention to.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Be there for you.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
You know, it's almost like you've met this perfect, perfect
person to be in a relationship with. They're doing all
these things for you, doting on you, all this stuff,
and in the same process, they're making you feel so
comfortable by you opening up and telling them about your
past relationships or maybe about past marriages or whatever that is.
And so you're giving them all this information, just feeding
(10:38):
it to them. As they're remembering all this. They have
very good memories, not always great memories, but they will
have a better memory than you, especially in the process of.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Gaslighting you, and then you won't even know you know,
your butt from your head.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
So what they're doing is trying to get all that
concentration of information and the process to eventually use against you.
And because they don't have a lack of empathy for anybody,
you know, So they don't care what they're gonna put
you through. They don't care the pain and suffering. It's
all about them. Now in the beginning, their mask is
saying that it's all about you. Oh, they really care
about you, and you're eating this up because they have
(11:11):
all this attention for you, and they drop everything to
be there with you and all this stuff, and so
in the beginning, it feels really good.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
The beginning never comes back. So I'm telling you straight up.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Once the beginning is over and the thing starts changing
and the love bombing goes away, and then the mean
side of them starts coming out, they don't get nicer,
they just get meaner, Okay, because remember they don't have
any empathy. This has always been the long game. So
with a malignant narcissist, they play the long game to
disparage you.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
They play the long game.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
To basically you know, I hate to say it, but
they're trying to take you out at a soul level.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
So they're not playing nice or not playing it. It's
not like they're going through a bad day or they're
dealing with PMS. No, they are not playing nice and
they don't don't even know how to play nights, so
that's not even part of their operende. So they have
this insane inflated sense of self. They can't self regulate. Okay,
So that's the other thing too, is there's no self
(12:11):
regulation and you have somebody like that. At the same time,
they have no remorse for hurting others, no remorse, and
they have no interest in apologizing unless it benefits them.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Now, if it.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Benefits them, they will apologize, but usually it's a false apology, right,
So it's a fake apology to fill the gap because
they know it's not you know, you're not gonna let
them get out of it. And I always find it
interesting because you know, people say that, oh, well, you know.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
They were crying.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
They were crying, and so you know, if somebody's crying
that that doesn't make them a malignant narcissist, right, No, wrong, Okay,
just because they're crying doesn't mean that they have empathy.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Most of the time, when.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
I'm malignant arcisses is crying, they are crying for their
own benefit. They are crying because they are upset things
aren't going their way. They're upset they're crying. It has
nothing to do with you. They're not going to cry
over you. And I hate to say that you could
be dying in front of them. They're not going to
cry over you.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
They may start crying about the fact that you don't
have a large, you know, insurance policy. You know, they
might cry about the fact that their name is not
on the mortgage of the home. But they're not going
to cry about you dying.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So I'm just putting this in perspective for you, so
you know what you're honestly dealing with. So they have
this inflightedst to self and usually there's a lot of
issues there, right, they're they're they're not all that, Okay,
they're not. It's the Napoleon complex on top of all
this as well, and so they have all these insecurities,
but they have this inflated since of self. They think
(13:51):
that they're better than everybody else. They look down at
everybody else, even if they don't have a dime. They
look down at people that don't have money, even though
they might not have any money. Okay. It's very interesting
because they forget, you know, who they really are because
they never know who they really are because they've never
really dealt with any sort of reality. They have no
remorse for hurting other people, and they have this attitude
(14:15):
that they deserve the very best.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Of everything, no matter what.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
So no matter if they haven't done one thing in
their life, no matter if they've never done anything for anybody,
they still deserve everything. They are completely deserving of everything.
That is what you call entitlement. They are beyond entitled.
You know, you think about entitlement. This is beyond entitlement.
I mean, this is you know, this is entitlement ten
(14:40):
point zero. You know, no matter what I mean, even
if they've never bought you a gift in your life,
they assume that you should always have a gift for
them for every single holiday, every single birthday. They might
have never even written you a card. If you don't
get them a card for their birthday, it's the end
all bill. You have literally screwed up. It's all about them,
the fact that they give you anything or don't get it.
(15:01):
And if they're gonna give you anything again, it's another
it's another manipulation because it's for another reason. And so
they have this attitude that they deserve everything and on
top of that, they're allowed to mistreat others because they
see others as being inferior. So they're mistreating you because
(15:23):
you're lesser than them.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
So not only do they.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Mistreat you, they actually think that you're lesser than them.
They actually think that you're stupid and they're smart. And
I'm putting it this way just so everybody kind of
gets this because I know that a lot of times
we make excuses for people, especially oh, they had this
challenging childhood. You know how many people had a challenging
childhood that I work with? Okay, I mean at least
ninety percent of people had a challenging childhood that I
(15:47):
have come into contact with in my life. You cannot
just give people excuses for malignant narcissist behavior. The more
excuses you give them, the more you lose yourself. The
more you lose yourself, the more they win, the more
you allow them or hurt you, the more the happier
they get, the more hurt and pain they get from you,
(16:09):
the more energy and power they take from you. So
this is really a safety conversation today. This is a
self safety being aware of predators today, because this is
a predator Okay, I'm a looking at narcissists as a
full on predator. No matter how you slice it or
dice it, they are predators. So they're going to monopolize
(16:31):
the conversation. They're gonna talk in circles a lot too,
because they want to remind you over and over again
what they're talking about. You know, it's like, you know,
they're holding court and again. Remember they see you as
being lesser than always, So I mean, remember that that's
(16:51):
really messed up all on its own. When somebody's looking
down at you thinking that you're lesser than them and
they're treating you subpar and they don't care about how
you feel and they don't. I mean, that's pretty wrong
in and of itself, right, But because they have this
really weak sense of self, it makes it even worse
because think about it, you have like this complex that
(17:13):
you're better than life, but yet you know you know
you're not, and so you're having this internal fight too, right,
So the malignant narcissist is in a constant internal fight
because they're weak. They're the weakest person on the planet.
And why that they're so mean and abusive is because
they're so angry and they take that anger out on you. Okay,
(17:35):
they want to take that out on you and put
that on you. And we have so much to talk
about because they have that tendency to blame everybody for
everything they do, everything they don't do, and everything they do,
they're gonna blame you for it. They're never gonna take
responsibility for anything. And so if you get into the
relationship with a malignant narcissist, they will blame you for
(17:57):
every single thing you do, every single thing you don't do,
everything they don't do, and everything they do. So again,
think about it, and we'll talk more about the additional
signs here. But I think it's very interesting to analyze
the situation because when you're dealing with them like a narcissists,
you know, it's hard because you don't realize it at
(18:19):
first because of that mask. And then you keep wondering,
when are we going to get back to those good times?
When are we going to get back to the beginning
of the relationship. I mean, things have gotten a little
mean or out of proportion, or they seem to be
talking and circles a lot and very negative and kind
of pushing all my buttons, and they don't really care
about me or being empathetic.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
But when are we going to get back to that?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Well, I'm here to tell you you're not going to
get back to it. That was fakery, that was a mask,
and that was not their truth. So we'll be talking
more about that in just a second. Stay tuned Live
your True Life Perspectives with your host Mediacity Burds will
be back in way back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with
Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
Welcome back live to liter Aty Life Perspectives and I'm
your host, Ashley Burgess. We're talking about malignant narcissism, how
to really watch it, how to see it, how to
know what you're dealing with because once you know you're
dealing with this, you can't turn back. Once you know
you're dealing with this, you can't make any more excuses. Okay,
this is something to play with. You don't sit there
and play with fire and go oh this is fun.
(19:39):
No no, no, no, we're not playing in the bonfire.
We're not doing that. So if you want to safeguard yourself,
you need this information. This information is very important. Because
these folks show up with a mask on a narrative.
There they're going to be that person you need right then,
they're going to have that mass secure, so secure that
(20:00):
you don't know the difference between them and the mask,
because you don't even know there's a mask. And the
beginning the love bombing is great, even if it's just
a friendship.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
They're there.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
They're your best friend, they're all they're there all the time,
they care, they're taking care of this or that. They're
all these things that you've never had before. Somebody's really
going that extra mile for you. You know. It's always
interesting too with the narration that they create and they
fall right into play with you. So you're wanting something
and they're gonna play on that because they know they
(20:28):
play on things. Right if you're needing something, you're needing
somebody to be there for you. You know, you're telling
them all your secrets and all, Oh, I'm gonna play
into that. I'm the only person you can trust. I'm
there for you, I care about you. They're gonna play
into all those emotions for you. They're also gonna play
in your fears. Okay, so they're gonna do all those
things and the process. They're going to do all this
(20:51):
stuff for you in the beginning, and you're gonna think, man,
I have met the best friend, or I've met the
best you know, possible lover in my life, or this
is gonna be the best spouse or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
You know it could be.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
It could be maybe your brother or sister got married
to someone like, Oh man, this is gonna be the
this is gonna best of the great family reunions. Whatever
you have met somebody that is going to throw you.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Under the bus.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And you'll start realizing it when the mass slowly comes
off because you can't you can't be around somebody. See,
the thing is about a malignant narcisst You got to
be around them enough. So if you're living with them, yes,
the mask will fully come off. The mask will come off.
It'll be on the ground, it'll be shattered. There will
be no mask, and you will be living with it.
The thing about a malignant narcissist is is that only
(21:34):
people that are really close to them really know who
they are, okay, because they're good at hiding it. You know,
you don't like a lot of sociopathic, anti social behavior
and it's not until you're around that person enough to
really realize what you're dealing But then you're like, whoa,
I'm really dealing with somebody with anti social behavior. I'm
dealing with a sociopath. It's not until you really realize it,
but you sure if you're just having small interactions with somebody,
(21:56):
you're not gonna know. You got to see the body
of work.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
So the other thing about a milliennat narciss is if
you're living with that mallignant narcissist, like I was talking about,
how they have these hidden security insecurities and they're super
weak individuals, super weak constitution, and they're gonna take that
out on you. They blame others for their behavior. They
blame others for what they do or they don't do. Oh,
you didn't do this for me. I mean it's basically
(22:21):
like you're handholding this person, you're doing everything for them,
and even if you do everything for them, you didn't
do it right.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
The The interesting part though, that I find very interesting
with a malignant narcissist is they see everything in black
and white. They see the world in black and white.
They see the world as binary it's a yes or no.
It's a black and white. We see people as friend
or foe. You see people as bad or good. Okay,
(22:51):
now it's not. They don't judge themselves like that. They
just judge and see every single other person like that.
You know, they're not gonna you know, if you try
to ask them as or no question, they're gonna get
angry with you. But if you try to give context
to an answer, they're gonna get angry with you and say,
this is a binary world. It's a yes or no,
it's a black or white, it's one thing or another.
Why are you trying to lie. They're going to try
(23:13):
to box you in any way they can, and they're
going to win at all costs, no matter what, no
matter what that win looks like. So the thing is
that a lot of people get confused as to the
reasons why people do things in life. And I hate
to say it, but there's some people out there that
do bad things because that's who they are. And I
hate to have such a negative connotation on this, but
(23:35):
it is. You can't I can't sugarcoat malignant narcissy. I
can't sugarcoat it. I can't bring in the unicorns and
the rainbows and tell you it's all great. And I
wouldn't do that anyway, because you know, we can't lie
about this. We just got to throw it out there
the way it is. This is the truth, and you
need a safeguard yourself. And so think about it. They're
(23:55):
going to box you in. You're not gonna be able
to communicate like you normally do, and they're gonna win
it all costs.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
But what are they gonna try to win? Now?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Remember I'm only a narcissists is beating at their own drum,
and their idea of winning is taking down you. Their
idea of winning is hurting other people to get what
they're wanting. They don't even care about you. You're a
stepping stone. And I want you to think about it.
If you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, they
(24:25):
are just trying to figure out when they can step
on your head to get above you. And I hate
to throw it out there like this, but this is
the case. You know, when can I step on your
head to push you under the water and suffocate you
so that I can get above you, even though you
might have helped me or taken care of me, or
(24:47):
you might have been there for me, It doesn't matter.
They don't think about that. Again, that's the reason why
the word malignant is used to describe this. So they're
gonna try to win it all costs, and they're gonna
leave a lot of pain and suffering in they're wake
of what they're doing. So they don't care though about
the pain that they're gonna put you through. They don't
care about the suffering they're gonna put you through. See,
(25:08):
they create this.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Narrative that they are justified in what they're doing. Okay,
they don't even think about it.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
They don't even think about what they're doing to you,
and they don't care about the pain they're causing.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
They don't care about what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
And they're just liking this experience because they're empowering themselves.
Because remember these people come from a very small constitution.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
They are not happy people.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
They are very insecure, and they have all these hidden
insecurities that are hidden by all these masks. Okay, and
so the unfortunately, they get empowered by taking away other
people's power. So like by taking away your happiness, you know,
your joy, by taking away your theory of positivity or
(25:57):
that the world is a good safe place, you know,
by doing that, by by you know, they actually relish
that because it gives them power.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
And so the more they take from you, the more
empowered they become. So also, they're going to always protect
themselves no matter what. They're gonna protect themselves from anything.
So if they have to use you as of human shield,
they'll do it. They will protect themselves at all costs,
(26:31):
you know what I'm saying. So it doesn't matter. They
will protect themselves at all costs. And and you know,
you know, in my in my work and in my
practice with clients, I've seen it happen where, you know,
the mask starts coming off, but right before the mask
comes off, it's like, oh, I know that we've only
been together for six months, but hey, can you put
me on the mortgage to the house? And hey where
am I in the will? And dah da da da
(26:51):
and when are we getting married?
Speaker 3 (26:53):
And dah da da dah.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
But it's not about I love you, It's about when
are you gonna put me? You know, when are you
gonna give me money? When am When is my name
going to be on the wheel? You know, in case
you die, you know, in case you die, we only
know it's six months.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
But in case you die, where am I at?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You know? I mean, because you would hate for something
to happen to me, right, And and that's the key,
is that they will protect themselves at all cost, at
all costs, at all you, your sanity, your energy, your money,
your life. They will protect themselves at all costs. So again,
(27:27):
you when you think about malignant, it's like you have
to remember the fact that they are basically living off
you already. Okay, so they are taking your life force,
and in the process of taking your life force, you know,
it's it's like a vampire. But in the beginning, it
doesn't seem like that because they created the false mask, okay,
(27:49):
And so we're gonna talk more about that in our
last segment here in the podcast, because I kind of
want to help formulate this because this could be a
lot of overwhelming information at one time, but it's necessary
and needed to safeguard you so that you know exactly
what you're dealing with. You got to maybe listen to
this podcast a couple of times to really kind of
get it all in, because this is a lot to
take in, but it's necessary and I want to safeguard
(28:11):
you and I want you to safeguard yourself. So stay
tuned Live your True Life Perspectives with your host me,
Ashley Burgess, will be back in. I'll be back this time, back,
this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Welcome back live to Live your True Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. I've been talking about malignant
narcissists on today's show, and it is a special brand
of narcissism. And you know, it's interesting because you know,
in the beginning, in order to get into a releasehip
or a friendship, a marriage, what have you, with somebody
(29:04):
like this, there was a mask being worn. There was
a false narrative that was being created that you were
also falling for as.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Well and believing in.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
And some of you may have been very innocent as
far as not trying to create this narrative or what
have you. But this person seemed to be everything that
you had wanted and was just so happy and couldn't
believe that this was coming to you in your life.
And so I understand that, but as we begin to see,
you know, the mask coming off, and we begin to
realize and see that there's truth to what we're talking
(29:38):
about here, we have to stop making those excuses. We
have to stop making the excuses, because the more we
make the excuses, the more we enable, the more we
accept this be it bad behavior, the more we lose ourselves,
the more that we don't have any boundaries, the more
that we fall apart, the more issue we have. So
(30:02):
we have to stop making excuses. We have to also
realize that the beginning was not honest, and that could
be one of the hardest things because that's what really
kind of set up the scene here, is that in
the beginning they acted like this was honest behavior. They
acted as if this is who they are. And so
(30:27):
for many of you, it could have lasted a few months,
It could have been six months, It could have even
been a year. Normally it's about six to eight months
where the you know, the mask is. It can be
shorter time, but that mask is on, and it was
it was a good time because it seemed like they
were very carrying and there and honest with you and
all this great stuff, but it wasn't real and so
(30:49):
I need you to be okay, which kind of trying
to get up on that and turning that around and
realizing that because you've got to stop thinking that it's
going to get back to the way it was, because
the way it was wasn't real. So there's no getting
back to the way it was because that was fake.
That was manufactured, and that can be really hard on
its own to accept. And so that part might be
(31:11):
really hard to accept because your brain is going to
keep trying to go back to it. You know, John
or Mary or whatever was so great. You know, Oh,
I wish we could go back to those times. Well,
John or Mary wasn't real in those times. That was
that was a narrative that was created to get and
elicit from you. That was that was a kind of
a long game to try to get something from you. So,
(31:34):
you know, we have to begin to see these people
who they are for who they are, and we have
to stop making excuses, and we have to also accept
the fact that there are malignant narcissists. We have to
accept the fact that there are people that don't necessarily
want us to do well. There are people that will
step on our head to get ahead. Now, in the
process they might be using us and the process we
might be getting something out of it too, but you
(31:54):
got to look at the reality behind it. You got
to look at what they're coming from. Because if somebody
doesn't have empathy and they don't really care about you,
or your feelings or emotions and your pain and suffering
don't matter, then what's really happening.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Who are you really in a relationship with.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Not somebody that's going to be helpful, not somebody that's
going to be there for you.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Really, it's going to.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Be somebody that's hurtful, painful, somebody that's going to elicit
some negative responses, somebody that's really not there for you.
They're not really there for anybody. It's not just that
you're the only person they're not there for. You know. Also,
we have to see the beginning again, it's fake. We
have to see the beginning and keep telling ourselves and
keep reminding and keep seeing the chinks in the armor
from the beginning, because there were many signs. There were
(32:37):
definitely whispers that there was fakery. There was definitely whispers,
but a lot of times we don't want to see it.
But you got to go back and look at that.
Sometimes you got to go back and look at some
of those red flags and write them down, write them down.
Writing them down is amazing because in the relationship with
a malignant narcissist, they will gaslight you to question your reality,
(32:59):
to get you to question your reality so that they
can even run more game in the situation.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
So we have to see through this.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
You know, you also want to begin to look at
how often they are putting you down, criticizing you. How
often are you being criticized? How often are you being
put down? Really think about that, how often is this happening?
And that's something to really analyze, And it's very important
(33:29):
to analyze that. It's very important because in the process
of analyzing that, you begin to see the truth. You
begin to see the truth. How much is really happening
because and I don't want you to just write it off, Oh,
they were in a bad mood, you know, all these
types of things giving excuses for their behavior. Would you
be able to have that behavior? Would you be able
(33:51):
to talk to them like that? Would you be able
to criticize them like that? And try it out? See
what happens with a malignant narcissist. You know, even bringing
up in anything they're gonna have or freaking meltdown. They're
gonna have a meltdown that you're gonna wish you never
brought up anything because they will melt down for four hours,
keeping you up all night or starting it off at
five am the morning. You know, I had a client
(34:13):
reason that's telling me about that. It started at four am.
They welcome up.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
And started arguing again about something.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Also, one of the biggest things I find with these
types of relationships is that ultimately.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
These people.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Kind of want to steal your joy. They don't care
about your joy. They don't care about you necessarily. Now
they care about you to a means to an end,
to get something, to use something, to have something to
do that. Yes, that's true. However, they're not caring about
your joy or how you feel or your self esteem.
(34:54):
They're not trying to build your self esteem up. Oh
I'm gonna build up so yeah, that's not nah. No,
they want all the accolades. They want you to sit
there and you know, you know, and tell them how
great they are. But when it comes to you, they're
not gonna build you up. They're gonna build They're gonna
take you down. They're gonna take you down because it
empowers them. And that's what I really want you to
(35:15):
think about is if you're dealing with them malignant narcissists,
your pain is their gain. Okay, your pain is their gain.
And so if you're telling them you know whatever, you
need to really watch out and realize how does somebody gain,
Like somebody that's healthy is not gaining from you by
you being in pain. Quite the opposite. A healthy person
doesn't want to see somebody else in pain. You know,
(35:37):
they're gonna try to help them be there. They're not
going to try to put you down or hurt you
or make you feel bad. That's not gonna happen. So
these are all things that you want to think about.
These are all things that you kind of want to
think about and analyze because in these situations, your pain
is their gain and that's very important to understand and
it's very important to analyze.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
And so think about that.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
If you're dealing with a millennat narcissists, you need to
begin to safeguard yourself. You need to see the truth,
you need to analyze the truth. You need to recognize
how the beginning was not true. How the beginning there
was a mass being worn. How you fail for a
different reality than is the reality that is now that
is the truth, and we need to start to begin
to safeguard ourselves. We need to start, you know, reaching
(36:21):
out to our friends and family, you know, reaching out
to people that you actually you know can trust, you know,
like really thinking about the direction of your life, thinking
about what you want in your life, thinking about how
you're going to get there, you know, thinking about different
things like that, and then seeing the situation for what
it is. And I'll have other shows here about talking
about what we can do about it. But in the
meantime it's overwhelming enough usually to hear this. But it's
(36:45):
the right thing because in order to know what to do,
we have to know what we're dealing with. It's like it's,
for example, if you're if you're not dinosed, but you
think you have a disease, but you're not dinosed and
you haven't had the test run, you know, how can
you begin to get a solution? How can you be
again to get better if you don't know what it is.
We have to know what it is. We have to
know what the brand of the situation is, and then
(37:06):
we have to go by that to analyze what we
need to do to safeguard ourselves and to create the
life that we want, because that's so important. And I
just want everybody to understand what the truth is because
once we know the truth, then we can see it,
we understand it. But if we don't know when it's
going under the radar, we can't safeguard ourselves. We can't
change things, we can't augment things, we can't do things
(37:28):
that we need to do. And that is why I
think it's so important to just get the information out,
the knowledge out, because the knowledge is power. I hope
the show has helped you and connected with you. Please
share with anybody that you think needs to hear this message.
If you haven't already, check out YouTube have a YouTube channel.
We have almost two hundred thousand subscribers. We definitely would
(37:49):
love you to subscribe to the channel. Just go to
YouTube put in Life Coach Ashley Burgess and push that
subscribe button and you get you'll get notifications of the
new video. We have lots of videos on narcissism, malignant narcissists, BPD,
even how you know toxic relationships as well as you
know healthy relationships, what makes a healthy relationship, and the
(38:10):
list goes on. So hopefully you can also be a
part of the YouTube channel as well.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
So I hope that the show is connected with you.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
We'll have another show next week and Literature Life Perspectives
with your host me, Ashley Burgers will be back in
I'll be back this time.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
You know it.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
I'll be back this time in three shakes,
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,
Ashley Burgess. We hear the word narcissism thrown around quite
a bit, but narcissism isn't all the same. There's not
just one brand of narcissism. Sure, you have your regular
brand narcissism, and a lot of people have signs and
(00:34):
symptoms of being narcissistic. They might not have all the
signs and symptoms, but they might have a couple. But
there's a particular type of narcissism that really does stand
out in the crowd, a particular type of narcissism that
you might not be aware of that you're dealing with.
And if you're dealing with this type of narcissism, this
brand of narcissism, you need to safeguard yourself. This person
(00:58):
is not just interested in their grandiose the perspective that
people have about them, the way they see them, how
they look. There is more going on behind the scenes.
There is more sinister stuff going on behind the scenes
that can actually hurt you. And so in today's podcast,
I'm gonna be talking about malignant narcissist, How to really
(01:21):
identify a malignant narcissist, because this is very important. We
have to talk about identification to understand what we're dealing with,
and that takes some time. We can't just automatically look
at identification and run into how do we solve it?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
We need to get a clear.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Concise understanding of what we're dealing with, be able to
identify it properly so that we can eventually, you know,
deal with it, you know, respond create those boundaries, you know,
safeguard ourselves. Whether we have to safeguard ourselves physically or legally,
or mentally or emotional or both, are all we have
(02:01):
to really focus on that. And so in today's show,
we're going to be discussing malignant narcissists and how to
really understand what we're dealing with, because it really is important.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Knowledge is power, and if.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
You don't know what you're dealing with, you can't begin
to safeguard yourself in these situations. And I know that
many of us know what an overt narcissists and and
and that's pretty pretty clear. And to the point, there's
been lots and lots of lots and lots of shows,
lots and lots of videos on narcissism. You know that
grandiose self esteem, self of importance that you know, those
(02:36):
fantasies that they have about you know, success and power,
and you know they believe they're special and unique. You
know that constant need for attention and admiration, that sense
of entitlement even if they haven't done anything to deserve it.
A tendency to use others people to get what they want,
very very much of a lack of empathy and unwillingness
(02:56):
to understand others or to even have or understand the
feelings of others, being envious of others, and that sense
of arrogance. And that's all good and well, and that's
your normal brand of narcissism. But we really need to
dig deep into what a malignant narcissist is like, because
many of you may be in a relationship with, in
a family dynamic with, in a work environment with somebody
(03:20):
that has malignant narcissistic signs. This person is even more
unhealthy and toxic than your regular brand of narcissist. It
makes your regular brand narcissists like a walk in the park.
It makes them look like the nice guy, the nice girl,
you know, the person that you want to hang out
with all the time, which is not the truth. But
when you put them side by side, you know there's
(03:41):
one that's going to be all about self. But they're
not going to be necessarily trying to hurt you. The
malignant narcissist is. So let's talk about that malignant narcisst
because you know, in the beginning, a malignant narcissist is
good usually with the mask, and that's how they get
in on the relationship, right, That's how it all works out.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
It's not like you go, oh wow, this is a
milignant narcissist.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I'm you know, I'm going to take them in, you know,
oh wow, this is going to be the greatest relationship
with this malignant narcissist. Oh I'm going to marry this
malignant narcisis.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
You don't.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
It's not like you're saying that this person has a mask.
They've worn the mask for a very long time. The
mask only comes down when you are in a relationship,
when you're living with them. If you're a family member
and a lot of you out there might be dealing
with a family member or brother or sister that might
be a malignant narcissist. Okay, so let's talk about some
of this right now. The first thing is, just like
(04:35):
a regular narcissist, they are preoccupied with the fantasies of
success and power and beauty and you know, being the
next model and all this stuff, no matter how old
they are, no matter what they look like. You know,
they believe that they are God's gift to creation, so
everything about them is phenomenal. They cannot handle any type
of criticism, and so they can dish out. See, the
(04:58):
thing is as interesting with a narci and a malignant nurses.
They can dish out, you know, the criticism, and they
can be very very very mean, very toxic in their
dishing out of criticism, usually cutting you down the size
over and over again, you know, putting you in your place,
that sort of sort of thing.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
But if you are to bring up anything.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
About what they've done, even if it's something as simple
as you know, oh, hey you didn't take care of
that today, or hey I thought you were gonna start
looking for a job. You know, I've been talking about
that for a few years. Whatever that looks like they
can't handle it, and they will fight you. They will
start a huge tantrum. They will take you down on
something like that and they'll hold.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
It over your head.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
They will lash out no matter what if they feel slighted,
if they feel at all, like if you don't act
right when you walk in the door and you say hi,
but you don't say hi the right way, if you say,
you know, hey, what's up? Oh Hey, you're gonna you're
gonna start using the word hey with me. You know
what kind of what kind of what kind of deal
is that? If you don't make the proper eye contact, uh,
(06:06):
they will lash out. They will have an argument about it.
They are also the types of people that will take
advantage of other people to get exactly what they want.
They will use people, They will create elaborate, you know, schemes.
They will use people to get what they want. And
(06:26):
it could be a long game too. It doesn't have
to be short game. A lot of these folks are
playing a long game, and I mean they're willing to
go in it for a while.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
It's not like the short you know, the short game
where they're trying to take you for something. They're trying
to actually take your soul. They're not just trying to
take some of your money. So you got to understand
that a lot of these folks are in for the
long game, and so be careful because in the beginning
that mask is fully on. They are wearing that mask
to make sure that you don't see who they are.
And by the way, once you do find out who
they are, the outside world for the most part, doesn't
(06:56):
because they're still playing that game, because then they're gonna
use that later to make other people feel like if
you bring it up to other people what they're doing,
they're gonna try to make you look like you're losing
your mind. You're going and saying you're the problem, you're
the issue.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
So remember that.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And that's the biggest struggle when you're dealing with a
malignant narcissist is they will try to make you by yourself,
put you by yourself so that you're in your own
pain and agony when you do try to reach out
to other people, making you seem kind of weird, stupid,
maybe under the influence, maybe you have some sort of
mental issue yourself, that sort of thing. Now at the
same time, they're completely overconcerned about their appearance. You know,
(07:34):
it's the same type of people that'll get dressed up
to sit around the house.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
They they're constantly on Instagram. You'll see folks where it's
constant posing, you know, constant pictures of just themselves. There's
nobody else in the pictures, and it's all and sometimes
scantily clad, that sort of thing in order to get
your attention. Now, it's interesting because they expect to be
treated at a higher level than anybody else, and they're
(08:03):
also looking to other people to get that narcissistic supply.
So they want other people to validate them. They want
other people to kiss their ass. They want other people
to think that they're so great. So in the beginning,
they're going to play a game with you. In the beginning,
you are going to think that this person is that great.
In the beginning, they will create the narrative, and you
(08:24):
will help create the narrative with them, because they will
use love bombing to get your attention, you know, to
act like they are you know God's green, you know
God's gift to you, that they're gonna help you, They're
gonna do all these things. In reality, it's not gonna happen,
but in the beginning, it's gonna feel like it. And
they're doing all this so they can get their narcissistic
supply from you, and eventually they don't have to be
(08:46):
this fake, nice love bombing thing. They're gonna get their
supply from you in a negative way, But in the beginning,
they're gonna create this false sense of security with you.
They're gonna basically create this false sense of acceptance with you,
So you're gonna tell them all your thoughts and feelings
and everything about your past, past relationships so that they
can use this later to basically bombarde you and make
(09:09):
you feel bad, puts you down, hurts you, and all
those types of things in an effort to get what
they want from you, to disparage you, and the list
goes on.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
So stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
We're talking about those signs of a malignant narcissist. Libertrue
Life Perspectives with your host media Ashley Burgess. We'll be
back in I'll be back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Turn it up and jump in the deep end on Perspectives.
Now Here's Ashley.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Welcome back live to Libertrue Life Perspectives and I'm your
host Ashley Burgess on today's show, we're examining what makes
a malignant narcissist. Well, looking at narcissists is very different
from a regular brand of narcissists. And right before the break,
I was talking about how they create they want this
narcissistic supply, and in the beginning, like most narcissists, they
(10:11):
create this love bombing to get your attention to.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Be there for you.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
You know, it's almost like you've met this perfect, perfect
person to be in a relationship with. They're doing all
these things for you, doting on you, all this stuff,
and in the same process, they're making you feel so
comfortable by you opening up and telling them about your
past relationships or maybe about past marriages or whatever that is.
And so you're giving them all this information, just feeding
(10:38):
it to them. As they're remembering all this. They have
very good memories, not always great memories, but they will
have a better memory than you, especially in the process of.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Gaslighting you, and then you won't even know you know,
your butt from your head.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
So what they're doing is trying to get all that
concentration of information and the process to eventually use against you.
And because they don't have a lack of empathy for anybody,
you know, So they don't care what they're gonna put
you through. They don't care the pain and suffering. It's
all about them. Now in the beginning, their mask is
saying that it's all about you. Oh, they really care
about you, and you're eating this up because they have
(11:11):
all this attention for you, and they drop everything to
be there with you and all this stuff, and so
in the beginning, it feels really good.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
The beginning never comes back. So I'm telling you straight up.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Once the beginning is over and the thing starts changing
and the love bombing goes away, and then the mean
side of them starts coming out, they don't get nicer,
they just get meaner, Okay, because remember they don't have
any empathy. This has always been the long game. So
with a malignant narcissist, they play the long game to
disparage you.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
They play the long game.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
To basically you know, I hate to say it, but
they're trying to take you out at a soul level.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
So they're not playing nice or not playing it. It's
not like they're going through a bad day or they're
dealing with PMS. No, they are not playing nice and
they don't don't even know how to play nights, so
that's not even part of their operende. So they have
this insane inflated sense of self. They can't self regulate. Okay,
So that's the other thing too, is there's no self
(12:11):
regulation and you have somebody like that. At the same time,
they have no remorse for hurting others, no remorse, and
they have no interest in apologizing unless it benefits them.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Now, if it.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Benefits them, they will apologize, but usually it's a false apology, right,
So it's a fake apology to fill the gap because
they know it's not you know, you're not gonna let
them get out of it. And I always find it
interesting because you know, people say that, oh, well, you know.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
They were crying.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
They were crying, and so you know, if somebody's crying
that that doesn't make them a malignant narcissist, right, No, wrong, Okay,
just because they're crying doesn't mean that they have empathy.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Most of the time, when.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
I'm malignant arcisses is crying, they are crying for their
own benefit. They are crying because they are upset things
aren't going their way. They're upset they're crying. It has
nothing to do with you. They're not going to cry
over you. And I hate to say that you could
be dying in front of them. They're not going to
cry over you.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
They may start crying about the fact that you don't
have a large, you know, insurance policy. You know, they
might cry about the fact that their name is not
on the mortgage of the home. But they're not going
to cry about you dying.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So I'm just putting this in perspective for you, so
you know what you're honestly dealing with. So they have
this inflightedst to self and usually there's a lot of
issues there, right, they're they're they're not all that, Okay,
they're not. It's the Napoleon complex on top of all
this as well, and so they have all these insecurities,
but they have this inflated since of self. They think
(13:51):
that they're better than everybody else. They look down at
everybody else, even if they don't have a dime. They
look down at people that don't have money, even though
they might not have any money. Okay. It's very interesting
because they forget, you know, who they really are because
they never know who they really are because they've never
really dealt with any sort of reality. They have no
remorse for hurting other people, and they have this attitude
(14:15):
that they deserve the very best.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Of everything, no matter what.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
So no matter if they haven't done one thing in
their life, no matter if they've never done anything for anybody,
they still deserve everything. They are completely deserving of everything.
That is what you call entitlement. They are beyond entitled.
You know, you think about entitlement. This is beyond entitlement.
I mean, this is you know, this is entitlement ten
(14:40):
point zero. You know, no matter what I mean, even
if they've never bought you a gift in your life,
they assume that you should always have a gift for
them for every single holiday, every single birthday. They might
have never even written you a card. If you don't
get them a card for their birthday, it's the end
all bill. You have literally screwed up. It's all about them,
the fact that they give you anything or don't get it.
(15:01):
And if they're gonna give you anything again, it's another
it's another manipulation because it's for another reason. And so
they have this attitude that they deserve everything and on
top of that, they're allowed to mistreat others because they
see others as being inferior. So they're mistreating you because
(15:23):
you're lesser than them.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
So not only do they.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Mistreat you, they actually think that you're lesser than them.
They actually think that you're stupid and they're smart. And
I'm putting it this way just so everybody kind of
gets this because I know that a lot of times
we make excuses for people, especially oh, they had this
challenging childhood. You know how many people had a challenging
childhood that I work with? Okay, I mean at least
ninety percent of people had a challenging childhood that I
(15:47):
have come into contact with in my life. You cannot
just give people excuses for malignant narcissist behavior. The more
excuses you give them, the more you lose yourself. The
more you lose yourself, the more they win, the more
you allow them or hurt you, the more the happier
they get, the more hurt and pain they get from you,
(16:09):
the more energy and power they take from you. So
this is really a safety conversation today. This is a
self safety being aware of predators today, because this is
a predator Okay, I'm a looking at narcissists as a
full on predator. No matter how you slice it or
dice it, they are predators. So they're going to monopolize
(16:31):
the conversation. They're gonna talk in circles a lot too,
because they want to remind you over and over again
what they're talking about. You know, it's like, you know,
they're holding court and again. Remember they see you as
being lesser than always, So I mean, remember that that's
(16:51):
really messed up all on its own. When somebody's looking
down at you thinking that you're lesser than them and
they're treating you subpar and they don't care about how
you feel and they don't. I mean, that's pretty wrong
in and of itself, right, But because they have this
really weak sense of self, it makes it even worse
because think about it, you have like this complex that
(17:13):
you're better than life, but yet you know you know
you're not, and so you're having this internal fight too, right,
So the malignant narcissist is in a constant internal fight
because they're weak. They're the weakest person on the planet.
And why that they're so mean and abusive is because
they're so angry and they take that anger out on you. Okay,
(17:35):
they want to take that out on you and put
that on you. And we have so much to talk
about because they have that tendency to blame everybody for
everything they do, everything they don't do, and everything they do,
they're gonna blame you for it. They're never gonna take
responsibility for anything. And so if you get into the
relationship with a malignant narcissist, they will blame you for
(17:57):
every single thing you do, every single thing you don't do,
everything they don't do, and everything they do. So again,
think about it, and we'll talk more about the additional
signs here. But I think it's very interesting to analyze
the situation because when you're dealing with them like a narcissists,
you know, it's hard because you don't realize it at
(18:19):
first because of that mask. And then you keep wondering,
when are we going to get back to those good times?
When are we going to get back to the beginning
of the relationship. I mean, things have gotten a little
mean or out of proportion, or they seem to be
talking and circles a lot and very negative and kind
of pushing all my buttons, and they don't really care
about me or being empathetic.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
But when are we going to get back to that?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Well, I'm here to tell you you're not going to
get back to it. That was fakery, that was a mask,
and that was not their truth. So we'll be talking
more about that in just a second. Stay tuned Live
your True Life Perspectives with your host Mediacity Burds will
be back in way back this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with
Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
Welcome back live to liter Aty Life Perspectives and I'm
your host, Ashley Burgess. We're talking about malignant narcissism, how
to really watch it, how to see it, how to
know what you're dealing with because once you know you're
dealing with this, you can't turn back. Once you know
you're dealing with this, you can't make any more excuses. Okay,
this is something to play with. You don't sit there
and play with fire and go oh this is fun.
(19:39):
No no, no, no, we're not playing in the bonfire.
We're not doing that. So if you want to safeguard yourself,
you need this information. This information is very important. Because
these folks show up with a mask on a narrative.
There they're going to be that person you need right then,
they're going to have that mass secure, so secure that
(20:00):
you don't know the difference between them and the mask,
because you don't even know there's a mask. And the
beginning the love bombing is great, even if it's just
a friendship.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
They're there.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
They're your best friend, they're all they're there all the time,
they care, they're taking care of this or that. They're
all these things that you've never had before. Somebody's really
going that extra mile for you. You know. It's always
interesting too with the narration that they create and they
fall right into play with you. So you're wanting something
and they're gonna play on that because they know they
(20:28):
play on things. Right if you're needing something, you're needing
somebody to be there for you. You know, you're telling
them all your secrets and all, Oh, I'm gonna play
into that. I'm the only person you can trust. I'm
there for you, I care about you. They're gonna play
into all those emotions for you. They're also gonna play
in your fears. Okay, so they're gonna do all those
things and the process. They're going to do all this
(20:51):
stuff for you in the beginning, and you're gonna think, man,
I have met the best friend, or I've met the
best you know, possible lover in my life, or this
is gonna be the best spouse or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
You know it could be.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
It could be maybe your brother or sister got married
to someone like, Oh man, this is gonna be the
this is gonna best of the great family reunions. Whatever
you have met somebody that is going to throw you.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Under the bus.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And you'll start realizing it when the mass slowly comes
off because you can't you can't be around somebody. See,
the thing is about a malignant narcisst You got to
be around them enough. So if you're living with them, yes,
the mask will fully come off. The mask will come off.
It'll be on the ground, it'll be shattered. There will
be no mask, and you will be living with it.
The thing about a malignant narcissist is is that only
(21:34):
people that are really close to them really know who
they are, okay, because they're good at hiding it. You know,
you don't like a lot of sociopathic, anti social behavior
and it's not until you're around that person enough to
really realize what you're dealing But then you're like, whoa,
I'm really dealing with somebody with anti social behavior. I'm
dealing with a sociopath. It's not until you really realize it,
but you sure if you're just having small interactions with somebody,
(21:56):
you're not gonna know. You got to see the body
of work.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
So the other thing about a milliennat narciss is if
you're living with that mallignant narcissist, like I was talking about,
how they have these hidden security insecurities and they're super
weak individuals, super weak constitution, and they're gonna take that
out on you. They blame others for their behavior. They
blame others for what they do or they don't do. Oh,
you didn't do this for me. I mean it's basically
(22:21):
like you're handholding this person, you're doing everything for them,
and even if you do everything for them, you didn't
do it right.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
The The interesting part though, that I find very interesting
with a malignant narcissist is they see everything in black
and white. They see the world in black and white.
They see the world as binary it's a yes or no.
It's a black and white. We see people as friend
or foe. You see people as bad or good. Okay,
(22:51):
now it's not. They don't judge themselves like that. They
just judge and see every single other person like that.
You know, they're not gonna you know, if you try
to ask them as or no question, they're gonna get
angry with you. But if you try to give context
to an answer, they're gonna get angry with you and say,
this is a binary world. It's a yes or no,
it's a black or white, it's one thing or another.
Why are you trying to lie. They're going to try
(23:13):
to box you in any way they can, and they're
going to win at all costs, no matter what, no
matter what that win looks like. So the thing is
that a lot of people get confused as to the
reasons why people do things in life. And I hate
to say it, but there's some people out there that
do bad things because that's who they are. And I
hate to have such a negative connotation on this, but
(23:35):
it is. You can't I can't sugarcoat malignant narcissy. I
can't sugarcoat it. I can't bring in the unicorns and
the rainbows and tell you it's all great. And I
wouldn't do that anyway, because you know, we can't lie
about this. We just got to throw it out there
the way it is. This is the truth, and you
need a safeguard yourself. And so think about it. They're
(23:55):
going to box you in. You're not gonna be able
to communicate like you normally do, and they're gonna win
it all costs.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
But what are they gonna try to win? Now?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Remember I'm only a narcissists is beating at their own drum,
and their idea of winning is taking down you. Their
idea of winning is hurting other people to get what
they're wanting. They don't even care about you. You're a
stepping stone. And I want you to think about it.
If you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, they
(24:25):
are just trying to figure out when they can step
on your head to get above you. And I hate
to throw it out there like this, but this is
the case. You know, when can I step on your
head to push you under the water and suffocate you
so that I can get above you, even though you
might have helped me or taken care of me, or
(24:47):
you might have been there for me, It doesn't matter.
They don't think about that. Again, that's the reason why
the word malignant is used to describe this. So they're
gonna try to win it all costs, and they're gonna
leave a lot of pain and suffering in they're wake
of what they're doing. So they don't care though about
the pain that they're gonna put you through. They don't
care about the suffering they're gonna put you through. See,
(25:08):
they create this.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Narrative that they are justified in what they're doing. Okay,
they don't even think about it.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
They don't even think about what they're doing to you,
and they don't care about the pain they're causing.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
They don't care about what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
And they're just liking this experience because they're empowering themselves.
Because remember these people come from a very small constitution.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
They are not happy people.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
They are very insecure, and they have all these hidden
insecurities that are hidden by all these masks. Okay, and
so the unfortunately, they get empowered by taking away other
people's power. So like by taking away your happiness, you know,
your joy, by taking away your theory of positivity or
(25:57):
that the world is a good safe place, you know,
by doing that, by by you know, they actually relish
that because it gives them power.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
And so the more they take from you, the more
empowered they become. So also, they're going to always protect
themselves no matter what. They're gonna protect themselves from anything.
So if they have to use you as of human shield,
they'll do it. They will protect themselves at all costs,
(26:31):
you know what I'm saying. So it doesn't matter. They
will protect themselves at all costs. And and you know,
you know, in my in my work and in my
practice with clients, I've seen it happen where, you know,
the mask starts coming off, but right before the mask
comes off, it's like, oh, I know that we've only
been together for six months, but hey, can you put
me on the mortgage to the house? And hey where
am I in the will? And dah da da da
(26:51):
and when are we getting married?
Speaker 3 (26:53):
And dah da da dah.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
But it's not about I love you, It's about when
are you gonna put me? You know, when are you
gonna give me money? When am When is my name
going to be on the wheel? You know, in case
you die, you know, in case you die, we only
know it's six months.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
But in case you die, where am I at?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You know? I mean, because you would hate for something
to happen to me, right, And and that's the key,
is that they will protect themselves at all cost, at
all costs, at all you, your sanity, your energy, your money,
your life. They will protect themselves at all costs. So again,
(27:27):
you when you think about malignant, it's like you have
to remember the fact that they are basically living off
you already. Okay, so they are taking your life force,
and in the process of taking your life force, you know,
it's it's like a vampire. But in the beginning, it
doesn't seem like that because they created the false mask, okay,
(27:49):
And so we're gonna talk more about that in our
last segment here in the podcast, because I kind of
want to help formulate this because this could be a
lot of overwhelming information at one time, but it's necessary
and needed to safeguard you so that you know exactly
what you're dealing with. You got to maybe listen to
this podcast a couple of times to really kind of
get it all in, because this is a lot to
take in, but it's necessary and I want to safeguard
(28:11):
you and I want you to safeguard yourself. So stay
tuned Live your True Life Perspectives with your host me,
Ashley Burgess, will be back in. I'll be back this time, back,
this time in two shakes.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Welcome back live to Live your True Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. I've been talking about malignant
narcissists on today's show, and it is a special brand
of narcissism. And you know, it's interesting because you know,
in the beginning, in order to get into a releasehip
or a friendship, a marriage, what have you, with somebody
(29:04):
like this, there was a mask being worn. There was
a false narrative that was being created that you were
also falling for as.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Well and believing in.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
And some of you may have been very innocent as
far as not trying to create this narrative or what
have you. But this person seemed to be everything that
you had wanted and was just so happy and couldn't
believe that this was coming to you in your life.
And so I understand that, but as we begin to see,
you know, the mask coming off, and we begin to
realize and see that there's truth to what we're talking
(29:38):
about here, we have to stop making those excuses. We
have to stop making the excuses, because the more we
make the excuses, the more we enable, the more we
accept this be it bad behavior, the more we lose ourselves,
the more that we don't have any boundaries, the more
that we fall apart, the more issue we have. So
(30:02):
we have to stop making excuses. We have to also
realize that the beginning was not honest, and that could
be one of the hardest things because that's what really
kind of set up the scene here, is that in
the beginning they acted like this was honest behavior. They
acted as if this is who they are. And so
(30:27):
for many of you, it could have lasted a few months,
It could have been six months, It could have even
been a year. Normally it's about six to eight months
where the you know, the mask is. It can be
shorter time, but that mask is on, and it was
it was a good time because it seemed like they
were very carrying and there and honest with you and
all this great stuff, but it wasn't real and so
(30:49):
I need you to be okay, which kind of trying
to get up on that and turning that around and
realizing that because you've got to stop thinking that it's
going to get back to the way it was, because
the way it was wasn't real. So there's no getting
back to the way it was because that was fake.
That was manufactured, and that can be really hard on
its own to accept. And so that part might be
(31:11):
really hard to accept because your brain is going to
keep trying to go back to it. You know, John
or Mary or whatever was so great. You know, Oh,
I wish we could go back to those times. Well,
John or Mary wasn't real in those times. That was
that was a narrative that was created to get and
elicit from you. That was that was a kind of
a long game to try to get something from you. So,
(31:34):
you know, we have to begin to see these people
who they are for who they are, and we have
to stop making excuses, and we have to also accept
the fact that there are malignant narcissists. We have to
accept the fact that there are people that don't necessarily
want us to do well. There are people that will
step on our head to get ahead. Now, in the
process they might be using us and the process we
might be getting something out of it too, but you
(31:54):
got to look at the reality behind it. You got
to look at what they're coming from. Because if somebody
doesn't have empathy and they don't really care about you,
or your feelings or emotions and your pain and suffering
don't matter, then what's really happening.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Who are you really in a relationship with.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
Not somebody that's going to be helpful, not somebody that's
going to be there for you.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Really, it's going to.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Be somebody that's hurtful, painful, somebody that's going to elicit
some negative responses, somebody that's really not there for you.
They're not really there for anybody. It's not just that
you're the only person they're not there for. You know. Also,
we have to see the beginning again, it's fake. We
have to see the beginning and keep telling ourselves and
keep reminding and keep seeing the chinks in the armor
from the beginning, because there were many signs. There were
(32:37):
definitely whispers that there was fakery. There was definitely whispers,
but a lot of times we don't want to see it.
But you got to go back and look at that.
Sometimes you got to go back and look at some
of those red flags and write them down, write them down.
Writing them down is amazing because in the relationship with
a malignant narcissist, they will gaslight you to question your reality,
(32:59):
to get you to question your reality so that they
can even run more game in the situation.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
So we have to see through this.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
You know, you also want to begin to look at
how often they are putting you down, criticizing you. How
often are you being criticized? How often are you being
put down? Really think about that, how often is this happening?
And that's something to really analyze, And it's very important
(33:29):
to analyze that. It's very important because in the process
of analyzing that, you begin to see the truth. You
begin to see the truth. How much is really happening
because and I don't want you to just write it off, Oh,
they were in a bad mood, you know, all these
types of things giving excuses for their behavior. Would you
be able to have that behavior? Would you be able
(33:51):
to talk to them like that? Would you be able
to criticize them like that? And try it out? See
what happens with a malignant narcissist. You know, even bringing
up in anything they're gonna have or freaking meltdown. They're
gonna have a meltdown that you're gonna wish you never
brought up anything because they will melt down for four hours,
keeping you up all night or starting it off at
five am the morning. You know, I had a client
(34:13):
reason that's telling me about that. It started at four am.
They welcome up.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
And started arguing again about something.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Also, one of the biggest things I find with these
types of relationships is that ultimately.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
These people.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Kind of want to steal your joy. They don't care
about your joy. They don't care about you necessarily. Now
they care about you to a means to an end,
to get something, to use something, to have something to
do that. Yes, that's true. However, they're not caring about
your joy or how you feel or your self esteem.
(34:54):
They're not trying to build your self esteem up. Oh
I'm gonna build up so yeah, that's not nah. No,
they want all the accolades. They want you to sit
there and you know, you know, and tell them how
great they are. But when it comes to you, they're
not gonna build you up. They're gonna build They're gonna
take you down. They're gonna take you down because it
empowers them. And that's what I really want you to
(35:15):
think about is if you're dealing with them malignant narcissists,
your pain is their gain. Okay, your pain is their gain.
And so if you're telling them you know whatever, you
need to really watch out and realize how does somebody gain,
Like somebody that's healthy is not gaining from you by
you being in pain. Quite the opposite. A healthy person
doesn't want to see somebody else in pain. You know,
(35:37):
they're gonna try to help them be there. They're not
going to try to put you down or hurt you
or make you feel bad. That's not gonna happen. So
these are all things that you want to think about.
These are all things that you kind of want to
think about and analyze because in these situations, your pain
is their gain and that's very important to understand and
it's very important to analyze.
Speaker 3 (35:59):
And so think about that.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
If you're dealing with a millennat narcissists, you need to
begin to safeguard yourself. You need to see the truth,
you need to analyze the truth. You need to recognize
how the beginning was not true. How the beginning there
was a mass being worn. How you fail for a
different reality than is the reality that is now that
is the truth, and we need to start to begin
to safeguard ourselves. We need to start, you know, reaching
(36:21):
out to our friends and family, you know, reaching out
to people that you actually you know can trust, you know,
like really thinking about the direction of your life, thinking
about what you want in your life, thinking about how
you're going to get there, you know, thinking about different
things like that, and then seeing the situation for what
it is. And I'll have other shows here about talking
about what we can do about it. But in the
meantime it's overwhelming enough usually to hear this. But it's
(36:45):
the right thing because in order to know what to do,
we have to know what we're dealing with. It's like it's,
for example, if you're if you're not dinosed, but you
think you have a disease, but you're not dinosed and
you haven't had the test run, you know, how can
you begin to get a solution? How can you be
again to get better if you don't know what it is.
We have to know what it is. We have to
know what the brand of the situation is, and then
(37:06):
we have to go by that to analyze what we
need to do to safeguard ourselves and to create the
life that we want, because that's so important. And I
just want everybody to understand what the truth is because
once we know the truth, then we can see it,
we understand it. But if we don't know when it's
going under the radar, we can't safeguard ourselves. We can't
change things, we can't augment things, we can't do things
(37:28):
that we need to do. And that is why I
think it's so important to just get the information out,
the knowledge out, because the knowledge is power. I hope
the show has helped you and connected with you. Please
share with anybody that you think needs to hear this message.
If you haven't already, check out YouTube have a YouTube channel.
We have almost two hundred thousand subscribers. We definitely would
(37:49):
love you to subscribe to the channel. Just go to
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subscribe button and you get you'll get notifications of the
new video. We have lots of videos on narcissism, malignant narcissists, BPD,
even how you know toxic relationships as well as you
know healthy relationships, what makes a healthy relationship, and the
(38:10):
list goes on. So hopefully you can also be a
part of the YouTube channel as well.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
So I hope that the show is connected with you.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
We'll have another show next week and Literature Life Perspectives
with your host me, Ashley Burgers will be back in
I'll be back this time.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
You know it.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
I'll be back this time in three shakes,
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