April 16, 2025 • 31 mins
Are you being manipulated or controlled mentally and emotionally by another person? Do you feel as though you can’t make your own choices and that everything you do is questioned and put under the microscope? When we identify manipulative and controlling behaviors in others, it helps us to understand what is taking place in our personal and professional relationships. In this podcast, I’m deep diving into the signs and symptoms of manipulative behavior, specific types of manipulation, specific patterns of behavior we see people display when manipulated others, how it affects us emotionally and mentally, and what you can do to safeguard yourself from the manipulation and mind control. #manipulation #narcissism #control #BPD #manipulativebehavior #narcissistic #controlling #gaslighting
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome back live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's podcast, we'll be
talking about identifying manipulative and controlling behaviors and others as
well as they're controlling and manipulative patterns.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Are you currently in.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
A relationship with someone you feel is manipulating you?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Have you felt like you can't do what you want?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
As though everything you're doing in your life is being questioned.
Everything you do on a daily basis is put under
a microscope. They're constantly finding whatever you're doing is wrong
or inappropriate, or however they deem it in a negative light.
And isn't it interesting how well you're not judging them,
(00:53):
you're not putting their actions, attitudes and patterns under a microscope.
But it seems like you can't seem to do anything right.
And if that's the case and you're going through this,
I know that you feel controlled. You may feel very lost,
You may feel as though you've lost some of your identity,
(01:14):
and you may not have actually put an actual finger
on the exact way on pattern that they're using on you,
like the exact manipulative or controlling behavior that they're using.
And you may not even be aware of a pattern
just yet because you haven't really thought about that or
(01:35):
looked at it so much, because you've been under fire
so much. You're constantly, you know, under fire, being grilled
about the issues and problems and stuff that you're bringing
to the table. And this can be very not only challenging,
but also very painful. However, knowledge is power, and when
(01:58):
we begin to know what we're doing with, we begin
to realize what we're dealing with, we begin to realize
what we need to do to safeguard ourselves, and it's
easier for us to overcome as well as strike down
this manipulation. If we don't know we're being manipulated controlled,
we can't do anything. We have to first know it.
Then we need to identify the practices they're using. What
(02:20):
is the actual practice that they're using to manipulate and
control us, and why is it working? And is this
out of the blue or is this a pattern of
behavior that they're using. Because I find that when people
are very manipulative and very controlling, there's a consistent pattern
(02:42):
of behavior that comes along with it, and if you're
really close to the situation, it's hard to see it
because you feel so threatened by it. You feel like
you're on edge by it, You are defensive, you find
yourself on the defense. It's very challenging, and when you're
in that position, it can be horrible, painful, stressful, and
(03:07):
it's hard to be able to see these pieces. But
if I help you to identify these and you get
something out of this podcast whenever you're listening to it,
wherever you're listening to it, this can help you to
begin to see it for what it is. See what
the other person is doing to try to control and
manipulate you, recognize the tactics that they're using, as well
(03:32):
as recognizing do they do this often? Is this consistent?
Is this unified? Is it across the board? Do they
do this for big things and things that don't really matter.
Are they constantly doing these types of things? Because sometimes
we begin to realize that some people have just patterns.
(03:52):
They're on a broken record, right, They're just doing it
on autopilot, and they're not really thinking about what they're
doing or what they're saying. They're just doing it. Because
guess what, it's worked so far, and they might have
been doing this way before you. This may be their
(04:13):
pattern of behavior for every single relationship they've ever been in,
you know, And a lot of these relationships begin with
this wonderful, wonderful honeymoon beginning, the love bombing, the honeymoon beginning. Oh,
this person really cares and they're giving me all this attention,
and wow, they really think about me a lot, and
(04:33):
they're really listening to me. And I can share my deepest,
darkest feelings and fears and happiness and all this with
this person, and then eventually that might change. Some of
you may say, well, actually, I wish that my relationship
had started that way. But honestly, it's always kind of
been combative and argumentative, and I've always seemed to be
always trying to like just do something minimal, like go
(04:55):
to the gym or go eat on my own or
get my haircut or whatever it is, and I can't
do it because guess what, this person thinks I'm off
doing something else, and they're questioning me and they're questioning
my reality, and all in all, it's what is it?
They're trying to control you and to control that aspect
of your life because they want you either taking care
of them, giving them full on attention to doing what
(05:18):
they want you to do right, doing what they want
you to do, not what you want to do, or
entertaining them for you know, some people just want to
be entertained. They want you to be around at all times.
They might not even talk to you, but they want
you there. The minute you're leaving, where are you going, what.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Are you doing?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
What's happening here? And you're like, you haven't even spoken
to me in two hours. You've been on your Instagram
for two hours, you've been watching old episodes of the
Real Housewives for three hours or whatever, or you've been
drinking beer up in your man cave. You haven't even
once come down to even speak to me. And I'm
about to walk out the door to go do something.
Now you're trying to check on me and figure out
(05:54):
what I'm doing. So it's definitely a pattern of control
again to start exposing these manipulative and controlling behaviors that
are used often to get you to do what to
not do what you want to do, to not go
do your thing, to not go hang out with your friends,
to not go out of town for a work trip
(06:17):
to whatever.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
It looks like.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
There's a zillion things that someone doesn't want you to do,
and there's several ways not a zillion ways, but several
ways where they're going to. They're not going to necessarily
physically stop you. Now, some people will try, but most
people will try to get you to make that decision
because otherwise the other option is to continue to allow
(06:40):
this person to do something.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
And so let's start with that.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
For example, you want to do something and they decide
to get angry, maybe cussing you out, yelling and screaming,
yelling and throwing things, slamming doors, and so, in an
effort to not deal with this type of behavior, you
just don't go do what you're going to do. And
that could have been playing a game of golf, that
(07:06):
could have been seeing an old friend from high school.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
It could be basically anything.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Going to a dinner for your work dinner that they
don't want you to go to because there's some woman
or some guy there that you may speak to that
they're worried about.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
It doesn't matter. There's always something.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
So you might stop in your tracks because somebody's yelling
and screaming at you or breaking things or kicking down
doors or whatever they're doing. And sometimes it just is
like super annoying. Well other times it's really scary. But
either way, if it's super annoying or scary, most of
the time, what do humans want? We don't want to
deal with it. We want to have them stop. We
(07:46):
want them to just be quiet. So what do we do?
We normally play Kate aquios. Okay, I won't go to
the dinner, I will be here. I'm not gonna go,
And then all of a sudden, the screaming stops, so
arguing stops, and then here we go. Now you're there
thinking about I can't believe that I've just denied myself
doing something that I need to do for work, or
(08:07):
I need to do this or that. But I'm keeping
the peace and maybe this will go a long way.
But the weird thing about all this stuff is that
it doesn't go a long way for anything. You just
keep you just keep getting yourself on a tighter and
tighter leash. And I hate to say that, whether you're
a man or a woman, you keep getting on a
(08:29):
tighter and tighter leash because that person is wrenching it up.
You can't do this one time, you acquiesce because you
don't want to hear it. You can't do another thing
another time because they wrench it up. You acquiesce, you
don't want to hear it. Okay, these are things that
we need to really be honest with ourselves about in
(08:51):
our relationships, because if you have these types of things
in your relationship, this is not a healthy relationship. This
is somebody that's manipulating and controlling you and an effort
to keep you for themselves and then eventually to break
you down over a period of time and use you
and basically take away your identity and over time eventually
(09:14):
discards you or just treat you really horribly or just
walk all over you. It's not like they're like, oh,
this is the love of my life, because you don't
manipulate and control the love of your life. It's just
not the way it goes. That's not how people operate
if you really care about somebody. Another manipulative and controlling
behavior that a lot of people use is let's say,
(09:37):
for example, you have to go out of town for
a work trip and you don't want to go, especially
if you've been in this relationship for a long time,
because you know how this person's going to be on
the other end of the phone. You're like, oh God,
I just don't want to have to travel for work.
Oh please God, I don't want to have to do this.
I know what's going to happen. And sure enough your
boss is like, yeah, you need to go out of town.
We need to take care of this. And you're like, oh,
(10:00):
oh no, when do I break the news that I
have to go out of town for work?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
And you're thinking about it every hour upon the hour,
When do you break the news? And you eventually break
the news really kind of probably late in the game,
most of you do because you don't want to hear
it for days on you break it. You know, you
break it down in like four days before the trip
and they're like, oh my god, where are you going.
You're like, I have to go to town for work. Yeah, yeah,
for sure, I got to leave on this day. And
how long have you known? Oh, you know, not very
long because you've done it in the past where you say, hey,
(10:27):
I'm gonna have to leave town two weeks from now
for work. What and all you do is you hear
about it over and over again every day before the trip.
What are you gonna do? Where are you gonna be it?
I bet you're gonna be hanging out with somebody?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
What are you doing?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
You know?
Speaker 2 (10:39):
I can't trust you. Da da da da dah.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
So what usually happens in these situations is they blow
up your phone. They blow up your phone, either calling
and calling and calling, and you have to answer all
the time and basically get nothing done. Okay, this is
one of those things where you're you're getting calls, you
can't get anything done except for talk to that person
(11:04):
and try to get your work stuff you need to
get done, and explain to them, hey, I have to work, okay,
like from nine to five or I gotta work and
then I have a work dinner.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Okay, I'm not ignoring you.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
And then if they don't call you, then they're turbo
texting you every minute, asking you where are you, what
are you doing, what's going on? Who you with?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
What's happening?
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Can you take a picture where you're at? I'll like
to see where you're at. Going to take me a picture?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Who you're with? You know, where are you at? Where
you staying at? What hotel? Is that okay, and you
feel compelled.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So the training process is, if this has happened to you,
you begin to feel compelled to respond because you know,
for many of you out there, if you don't respond back,
there's hell to pay. There's a lot of hell to pay.
And it might be more texting, or it could be
the dreaded opposite. And I know that many of you
already know what I'm going to say without me saying it,
(11:53):
because you have had and experienced the dreaded opposite, the
silent treatment. Well, if you won't respond to me, and
given the amount of seconds or minutes, I'll just turn
you off. And that's what they do. And sometimes they
can wait hours and hours, sometimes twenty four hours, even
(12:17):
thirty six hours, punishing you for what you've done. So
now you're very upset about the punishment. You're worried about
what's going on. You're upset because they're not communicating with you. You're
upset because they're not talking to you. You have no
idea what they're doing, who they're with, what's going on.
(12:39):
They have completely flipped the tables on you, and now
you know nothing. And the interesting part about this game
is that it's not equal. When you come home, they're
going to be asking you all questions about your trip,
where you were, all this stuff. But if you ask
them one thing about where they were for those twenty
(12:59):
four hours, they didn't communicate.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Oh, here we go again, the blow.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Up, the argument, the fighting, the passive aggressive behavior, maybe
the disappearance act.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Again, training you again.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
If I bring up anything, they will go silent, they
will disappear on me, and I will have no answers
at all, And you know what, and then there you are,
especially if you have codependency. Where are they? What are
they doing? I'm worried for them, I'm worried. Are we
still in a relationship? What's going on? Even though you
might not be happy with the relationship at all. It's
(13:36):
like this trigger, it's this toxic, you know, trauma trigger
that is really not positive at all, and it just
triggers you to have feelings that you really don't have.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It's not really feelings you have, it's just what happened here?
What do I do? You know?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I kind of feel like I missed the connection. I
miss this what we call it trauma bond. And that's
when trauma bon in love or very confused. You know,
they're very confusing because you don't really realize, oh wait,
this is really a trauma bond. This isn't really love.
And you know, trauma bonds are you know, based on trauma.
They're you know, you're you're triggering each other's trauma with
(14:12):
all these issues happening, it's not love because real love
you don't passively aggressively treat people. You don't do silent
treatment for two days. You don't go sleep over at
someone's house and act like nothing happen and then put
it back on the other person to have to defend
themselves and basically constantly doing that and berating somebody that
that's not love at all.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
That's a pattern of control. And we see this a lot.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Of times with folks that sometimes have narcissistic tendencies, borderline tendencies,
you know, histrionic tendencies, and the list goes on. And
the silent treatment for a specific time is very interesting.
The passive aggressive behavior is very interesting. And that passive
aggressive behavior, that's interesting because the problem with that is
(14:58):
a lot of times with these folks what they do
is they punish and reward, punish and reward. Oh You're
the best thing that's ever happening in my life. I mean,
without you, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I mean,
you know, oh my god, I'm so in love with you.
And sometimes they can be so poetic with their words, right.
The text can be so sweet, I miss you, my love,
I miss you this, I miss you that, oh, you
(15:19):
know whatever. I can't wait to see you, you know, oh,
I love you so much, all this stuff. And then
you see them and they're not like hugging and kissing
on you. They have nothing to do with you. It's
like and then they flip the script. Now it's passive aggressive,
angry behavior, questioning behavior.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
What were you doing all day?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
You're like, well, I was at the office, at the office, really, yeah,
the office.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Working. That's what working people do.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
And that's always a real challenge when it comes to
that type of situation, is that you know, you don't
really know, you know, what's really happening until you act
actually show up. Until you show up, you show up
(16:07):
and you go, oh my god, I thought everything was
good for a while and you were sending me these
great texts, and now I realize that's not the case
at all, And you're very unhappy and this is kind
of the same thing we do all the time, and
now we're going back into this.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
This isn't very fun.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I don't really like this, but you're still there, and
if you try to leave, that's when the arguing or
fighting happens, or you know, the the issues that they
have with you leaving, which is a problem.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
And all this goes back to control.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
It's all made to beat you down, to make you
feel bad, to get you to do something, or to
get you not to do something, to get you to
do something, or to get you to not do something.
It's all manipulation and control devised to make you feel
(16:58):
a specific way. And so I really think about it.
Is there somebody in your life it was manipulating and
controlling you. Do you feel controlled and manipulated currently in
your current life situation?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And what are you doing about it? Too? Well? To
change it.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
We need to change it. We don't want to sit
with it. The longer we continue to sit with it,
I know that we have to get to the point. Right.
I was on with a client today in one of
my sessions, and she said, I have to get to
the point when it really dubs upset me. It really
gets under my skin. And I think that's very true
with anything like even in therapy and coaching. You know,
(17:40):
I get new clients refer to me from from current
clients or past clients who you know you got you
gotta see Ashley. And I'll get some clients who are like,
I'm gonna twin it. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna
do the work.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Even if it's painful where I have to go through it,
I know that eventually on the other side it's gonna
be awesome. I get a lot of those clients which
are fabulous. I get some clients that are like they
put their toe.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
In the water. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't
know if I'm ready for change.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I don't know. The water's a little cold.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Oh god, I don't know. I'm in it for a
little while. Let's see if I can deal with it.
And then you know, some small thing after whatever time, okay,
you know they're out. Or you have people that just
right after the first session done can't deal with it
because they're not willing to make a change, because they
haven't gotten to that point. We have to get to
the point where stuff is so bad, right, and I
(18:27):
don't like to get there. I mean, the problem is,
we don't want to get where where our hair is
on fire. Nobody wants to have their hair on fire.
Nobody wants to be like, gosh, my hair's on fire.
And I get clients who I consider their hair is
on fire. Things have gotten bad, things have gotten overboard.
We are in a not healthy position. We need to
find ourself. We need to get our identity. We don't
(18:49):
We need to really create it, like from ground up.
We need to you know, separate ourselves from these situations
as much as we can in an effort to you know,
get ourselves back, in an effort to safeguard ourselves. All
these things are super super important, and we have to
do it. And that's what I'm saying is that that
is very important, and we have to kind of think
(19:09):
about those types of things. But we have to get
to the point, we have to get to the point
in our life that we're ready for this change that
we don't want to we want to do it, and
it's time. And I think that many of you are there.
You're there, You've had enough of the blow ups. You've
had enough of, the playcation, You've had enough of. I
(19:32):
can't be myself or do my own thing. Every time
I try to do my own thing, even if it's
just going to the gym, or even if it's hanging
out with your best friend down the street having a
beer at the burger joint, it's a problem. And all
you do is hear about it. Oh, yeah, you had
to go out with your friend, right, Oh, I'm sure
that's where you were. Y'all aren't out at the strip
(19:52):
club or doing whatever. And there's all these questions and
wonderment and ask and accusations and all this stuff, and
then this, you know, reactive response to something you haven't
even done. Some of them, even if you haven't done anything,
will just go out and literally just do something crazy.
You have no idea. They go, you know, they go
silent for a day, and you're like, what happened? They
(20:15):
have no comment, But you know it's like, Okay, well,
I'm gonna get you back, even though I don't really,
I'm creating a complete narrative in my head that's not
even appropriately or even true. I'm gonna I'm gonna swerve
out right now and do this. And this is the
stuff that's just overwhelming because now you're like, well, I
can't even go out with my friend to have that
beer for forty five minutes because you know she might
(20:35):
go do that or he might go do that, and
and I don't want that to happen, So I'll just
sit at home and wait. I'll just sit at home
and wait. And that's one of the hardest things when
we deal with these types of BEIT patterns is we
find ourselves being so controlled and so manipulative, manipulated. We
feel like we are not even who we are anymore.
(21:00):
And that's what's so hard because this person on the
other side seems to be their life seems to be good,
they seem to be doing whatever they want to do.
Because remember, this isn't equal, this isn't an equal relationship.
You can't do whatever you want to do. They can
do whatever they want to do. And that's what they're
trying to show you. Through these actions and behaviors and patterns.
(21:24):
They're trying to get you to not even do it anymore.
It's like this behavior, I'm going to beat this behavior
out of you. I'm going to punish this behavior out
of you until you stop basically doing this, you stop
living your life, and now I don't have to worry
about you anymore because now you're under complete control, okay,
and now I can do whatever I want.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
That's really honestly what these people are doing, because now
they have you under their thumb, and now they know
that they can do whatever they want now, right, because.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
They've beat it out of you.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And if you ask them a question, because they've trained you, well, hey,
you know, we're where you've been. I've been home for
two hours, and try to call you like six times.
If you didn't answer, what really, what's this about?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
You know? And then they flip the script on you.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Oh yeah, well I could ask you the same question,
or what about all of a sudden you go, oh god,
I don't want to open this can of arms.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I don't want to ask.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I want to know, but I don't want to know
because I know it's going to be turned around on
me and I'm gonna be the bad guy. And so
think about that. This is very important information to think about.
The flip side, too, is that some of the stuff
that they're doing is actual program patterns that they have
learned even if it's not a big deal, like let's
just say like you're going to the gym. You should
(22:36):
be able to go to the gym. That's your health
we're talking about, correct, But they make a big deal
about it. That's just like you gotta start working on
breaking those patterns because that's why a lot of times too,
when they go off on you. Let's say, like someone
goes off on you for whatever it is, and then
the next day they call you like nothing's wrong, or
they come by and they act like everything's great. It's
(22:57):
like a lot of it is just like it's such
a pattern that it's almost like this is this dramatic,
you know, this dramatic thing that they gotta do, and
then the area are all good next day. And I
have actually coined the phrase myself. I'm the only one
that's ever used this phrase is BPD. BPD amnesia. Now
(23:17):
this is not just for that, it's MPD amnesia. It's
amnesia for anybody that does something and then turns around
and acts like it never happened. And you're over there
like I don't know if I want to bring it up,
because I don't want to start things up again. But again,
these are the things we need to think about, because
if you're in these situations that you're experiencing this stuff,
(23:39):
you are in a manipulative, controlling relationship. There was no
question in my mind. And if that's the case, you
are feeling lost, you are feeling resentment. But the other
side of the coin is in order to be in
this manipulative and controlling relationship, there has to be some
upside to it, like, for example, maybe they flip the
script and you know every four days you are on
(24:02):
this pedestal and you're like, oh my god, Or maybe
they want you to feel as though they need your
help to take care of them. You're the knight in
shining armor.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
And so it really.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Connects with that codependency, you know, the codependency matra. I
got to do for others otherwise I have no value, right,
I mean, I'm a recovering code of pendant.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I understand I have to do for other others.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Otherwise I have nothing and I am nobody, which is
not true, but that's how when we were raised in
certain dynamics, you believe that when you did something good,
you were you were valuable. That you were not valuable
just in and of itself. And yes, doing good for
people is a good thing, but it doesn't mean that
that just gives us value. We have innate value without
doing anything. We could just sit and have an eight value. Okay,
(24:45):
but that's something that I work with with my clients
to understand and create that so that we stop being
beaten up and disrespected and relationships. But think about it,
sometimes we have we have to call this out if
we want any change, we have to call out the toxicity.
And I'm not talking about wrenching it up, you know,
(25:06):
or or going to their level. I'm talking about calling
it out. Hey, did you realize that in a positive
in a positive call in a positive neutral way? Did
you realize that you're getting angry about at me for
going to the gym and going on the treadmill so
that I can keep my cholesterol and my heart rate
(25:27):
and the right spot. Do you understand that that's what
you're fighting me for. I just want to ask because
I want to make sure you understand that this is
my health we're talking about. Or you know, Hey, i
haven't seen John, my best friend from you know, from
high school, and I've been wanting to see him and
I've canceled multiple plans for him. We were going up
the street, five minutes down the road for a beer.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Do you understand that.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
You're getting angry about this and pointing it out and saying, hey,
this is I'm a human. I have a life too,
and I'm allowed to see my friends. I'm allowed to
work out, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to drink,
I'm allowed to sleep, I'm allowed to do what I
need to do. And sometimes you have to the only
way out of this is to call it out and
to do eventually what you want to do. There's really
(26:10):
no other way. But it takes work and it takes time.
And that's what I'm saying is that we have to
be willing to accept the backlash.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
To move on.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
We have to be willing to accept the backlash to
move on, and that can be hard and and and
you know, I'll have another show for you sooner than later,
which is you know about the leadership role. You know,
in order to really move forward in our life, we
have to take the lead. And you know, you like
(26:44):
taking the lead and being the leader. You know, the leader. Yes,
the leader has a lot on their plate, but nobody's
nobody's really, you know, you know, nobody's really trying to
kick down the follower or the person not in charge
and anybody's life. We need to be in charge of
our own life, our own direction, our own ship. We
(27:06):
need to be in charge of that. We need to
be at the home. We don't need someone else trying
to be at the helm of our ship turning it
around and taking it to a port we don't want
to be at. That's only going to later on bite
us in the butt anyway, and we're gonna have to
make a lot of changes to get our life back
on course. And I don't like to see that for anybody.
(27:28):
I don't like to see that for anybody. And I
think all of us have been there before. I've obviously
been there before, or I could not help other people.
You have to be successful in getting out of manipulative
and controlling relationships with people with extreme narcissistic tendencies and
what have you, and even borderline tendencies or combination even more,
(27:49):
even sociopathic tendencies. You have to be able to be
successful to help other people get out of it. If
you haven't done it, you can't help anybody else get
out of it. It's like if you don't have self love,
like real self love, and you have created that and
done that the proper way from you know, twenty plus
years of working on loving yourself and separating from codependency,
(28:10):
you can't help somebody. You're just basically going through the
motions and maybe something will stick. But if you have
a blind side of something, you can't help others. And
this is something that I have thoroughly walked through, client
after client after client to get this right. And their
lives have changed in a major uptick by working through
(28:32):
these things and reclaiming themselves. And so in another show
we'll be talking more about the leadership role. But in
this process, we have to sometimes rock the boat. We
have to rock the boat to get our stuff across.
We have to say and speak our truth, even if
the yelling starts or whatever. Hey, I'm gonna take a break.
You need to pull yourself together. We'll talk about it later,
(28:54):
you know. I mean, but the thing is a lot
of times you don't want to rock the boat because
we put value of ourselves and our identity in that relationship.
And that's what we have to divide from, is to
divide our identity away from that relationship. Just because you
(29:14):
know whether or not that relationship exists or doesn't exist,
doesn't mean anything about us. It either exists or doesn't,
but even if it doesn't, we are still good and
that's what we have to kind of figure out.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
If you haven't checked out my.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Website, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashleyberges dot com.
You can also set up a coaching session right there
on the coaching session page. Also go to YouTube check
out YouTube and the search engine YouTube put in life
Coach Ashley Burgess. Life coach Ashley b. E r Ges
(29:51):
New video content out every week on these topics and
exact topics like this, as well as over dealing with narcissm,
dealing with all these various types of things, dealing with
you know, manipulation, controlling people, how to overcome this, how
to be successful, how to overcome the pain, the triggering.
All those good things are on there, So check out
(30:12):
the YouTube channel Life Coach Ashley Burgess. I hope this
podcast has been of some awareness and help. Please share
with any family members and friends. You can listen to
it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart Speaker, anywhere that a
podcast is housed anywhere, so check it out Livery True
(30:32):
Life Perspectives. Please share it with everybody. I have a
news show out next week, every Wednesday. It'll pop every
Wednesday between five and nine am, and I look forward
to hearing any feedback. If you'd like to communicate with me,
go to Asleyburgers dot com, click on that contact page
and send me a message.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
I'll get back to you asap.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
And I love hearing from listeners, and I like to
hear your opinions, your thoughts, and even subject matters that
you would like me to discuss. Stay tuned in Literature
Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess will be
back in I'll be back this time.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You know it.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I'll be back this time in three shakes
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome back live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's podcast, we'll be
talking about identifying manipulative and controlling behaviors and others as
well as they're controlling and manipulative patterns.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Are you currently in.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
A relationship with someone you feel is manipulating you?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Have you felt like you can't do what you want?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
As though everything you're doing in your life is being questioned.
Everything you do on a daily basis is put under
a microscope. They're constantly finding whatever you're doing is wrong
or inappropriate, or however they deem it in a negative light.
And isn't it interesting how well you're not judging them,
(00:53):
you're not putting their actions, attitudes and patterns under a microscope.
But it seems like you can't seem to do anything right.
And if that's the case and you're going through this,
I know that you feel controlled. You may feel very lost,
You may feel as though you've lost some of your identity,
(01:14):
and you may not have actually put an actual finger
on the exact way on pattern that they're using on you,
like the exact manipulative or controlling behavior that they're using.
And you may not even be aware of a pattern
just yet because you haven't really thought about that or
(01:35):
looked at it so much, because you've been under fire
so much. You're constantly, you know, under fire, being grilled
about the issues and problems and stuff that you're bringing
to the table. And this can be very not only challenging,
but also very painful. However, knowledge is power, and when
(01:58):
we begin to know what we're doing with, we begin
to realize what we're dealing with, we begin to realize
what we need to do to safeguard ourselves, and it's
easier for us to overcome as well as strike down
this manipulation. If we don't know we're being manipulated controlled,
we can't do anything. We have to first know it.
Then we need to identify the practices they're using. What
(02:20):
is the actual practice that they're using to manipulate and
control us, and why is it working? And is this
out of the blue or is this a pattern of
behavior that they're using. Because I find that when people
are very manipulative and very controlling, there's a consistent pattern
(02:42):
of behavior that comes along with it, and if you're
really close to the situation, it's hard to see it
because you feel so threatened by it. You feel like
you're on edge by it, You are defensive, you find
yourself on the defense. It's very challenging, and when you're
in that position, it can be horrible, painful, stressful, and
(03:07):
it's hard to be able to see these pieces. But
if I help you to identify these and you get
something out of this podcast whenever you're listening to it,
wherever you're listening to it, this can help you to
begin to see it for what it is. See what
the other person is doing to try to control and
manipulate you, recognize the tactics that they're using, as well
(03:32):
as recognizing do they do this often? Is this consistent?
Is this unified? Is it across the board? Do they
do this for big things and things that don't really matter.
Are they constantly doing these types of things? Because sometimes
we begin to realize that some people have just patterns.
(03:52):
They're on a broken record, right, They're just doing it
on autopilot, and they're not really thinking about what they're
doing or what they're saying. They're just doing it. Because
guess what, it's worked so far, and they might have
been doing this way before you. This may be their
(04:13):
pattern of behavior for every single relationship they've ever been in,
you know, And a lot of these relationships begin with
this wonderful, wonderful honeymoon beginning, the love bombing, the honeymoon beginning. Oh,
this person really cares and they're giving me all this attention,
and wow, they really think about me a lot, and
(04:33):
they're really listening to me. And I can share my deepest,
darkest feelings and fears and happiness and all this with
this person, and then eventually that might change. Some of
you may say, well, actually, I wish that my relationship
had started that way. But honestly, it's always kind of
been combative and argumentative, and I've always seemed to be
always trying to like just do something minimal, like go
(04:55):
to the gym or go eat on my own or
get my haircut or whatever it is, and I can't
do it because guess what, this person thinks I'm off
doing something else, and they're questioning me and they're questioning
my reality, and all in all, it's what is it?
They're trying to control you and to control that aspect
of your life because they want you either taking care
of them, giving them full on attention to doing what
(05:18):
they want you to do right, doing what they want
you to do, not what you want to do, or
entertaining them for you know, some people just want to
be entertained. They want you to be around at all times.
They might not even talk to you, but they want
you there. The minute you're leaving, where are you going, what.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Are you doing?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
What's happening here? And you're like, you haven't even spoken
to me in two hours. You've been on your Instagram
for two hours, you've been watching old episodes of the
Real Housewives for three hours or whatever, or you've been
drinking beer up in your man cave. You haven't even
once come down to even speak to me. And I'm
about to walk out the door to go do something.
Now you're trying to check on me and figure out
(05:54):
what I'm doing. So it's definitely a pattern of control
again to start exposing these manipulative and controlling behaviors that
are used often to get you to do what to
not do what you want to do, to not go
do your thing, to not go hang out with your friends,
to not go out of town for a work trip
(06:17):
to whatever.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
It looks like.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
There's a zillion things that someone doesn't want you to do,
and there's several ways not a zillion ways, but several
ways where they're going to. They're not going to necessarily
physically stop you. Now, some people will try, but most
people will try to get you to make that decision
because otherwise the other option is to continue to allow
(06:40):
this person to do something.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
And so let's start with that.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
For example, you want to do something and they decide
to get angry, maybe cussing you out, yelling and screaming,
yelling and throwing things, slamming doors, and so, in an
effort to not deal with this type of behavior, you
just don't go do what you're going to do. And
that could have been playing a game of golf, that
(07:06):
could have been seeing an old friend from high school.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
It could be basically anything.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Going to a dinner for your work dinner that they
don't want you to go to because there's some woman
or some guy there that you may speak to that
they're worried about.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
It doesn't matter. There's always something.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
So you might stop in your tracks because somebody's yelling
and screaming at you or breaking things or kicking down
doors or whatever they're doing. And sometimes it just is
like super annoying. Well other times it's really scary. But
either way, if it's super annoying or scary, most of
the time, what do humans want? We don't want to
deal with it. We want to have them stop. We
(07:46):
want them to just be quiet. So what do we do?
We normally play Kate aquios. Okay, I won't go to
the dinner, I will be here. I'm not gonna go,
And then all of a sudden, the screaming stops, so
arguing stops, and then here we go. Now you're there
thinking about I can't believe that I've just denied myself
doing something that I need to do for work, or
(08:07):
I need to do this or that. But I'm keeping
the peace and maybe this will go a long way.
But the weird thing about all this stuff is that
it doesn't go a long way for anything. You just
keep you just keep getting yourself on a tighter and
tighter leash. And I hate to say that, whether you're
a man or a woman, you keep getting on a
(08:29):
tighter and tighter leash because that person is wrenching it up.
You can't do this one time, you acquiesce because you
don't want to hear it. You can't do another thing
another time because they wrench it up. You acquiesce, you
don't want to hear it. Okay, these are things that
we need to really be honest with ourselves about in
(08:51):
our relationships, because if you have these types of things
in your relationship, this is not a healthy relationship. This
is somebody that's manipulating and controlling you and an effort
to keep you for themselves and then eventually to break
you down over a period of time and use you
and basically take away your identity and over time eventually
(09:14):
discards you or just treat you really horribly or just
walk all over you. It's not like they're like, oh,
this is the love of my life, because you don't
manipulate and control the love of your life. It's just
not the way it goes. That's not how people operate
if you really care about somebody. Another manipulative and controlling
behavior that a lot of people use is let's say,
(09:37):
for example, you have to go out of town for
a work trip and you don't want to go, especially
if you've been in this relationship for a long time,
because you know how this person's going to be on
the other end of the phone. You're like, oh God,
I just don't want to have to travel for work.
Oh please God, I don't want to have to do this.
I know what's going to happen. And sure enough your
boss is like, yeah, you need to go out of town.
We need to take care of this. And you're like, oh,
(10:00):
oh no, when do I break the news that I
have to go out of town for work?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
And you're thinking about it every hour upon the hour,
When do you break the news? And you eventually break
the news really kind of probably late in the game,
most of you do because you don't want to hear
it for days on you break it. You know, you
break it down in like four days before the trip
and they're like, oh my god, where are you going.
You're like, I have to go to town for work. Yeah, yeah,
for sure, I got to leave on this day. And
how long have you known? Oh, you know, not very
long because you've done it in the past where you say, hey,
(10:27):
I'm gonna have to leave town two weeks from now
for work. What and all you do is you hear
about it over and over again every day before the trip.
What are you gonna do? Where are you gonna be it?
I bet you're gonna be hanging out with somebody?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
What are you doing?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
You know?
Speaker 2 (10:39):
I can't trust you. Da da da da dah.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
So what usually happens in these situations is they blow
up your phone. They blow up your phone, either calling
and calling and calling, and you have to answer all
the time and basically get nothing done. Okay, this is
one of those things where you're you're getting calls, you
can't get anything done except for talk to that person
(11:04):
and try to get your work stuff you need to
get done, and explain to them, hey, I have to work, okay,
like from nine to five or I gotta work and
then I have a work dinner.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Okay, I'm not ignoring you.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
And then if they don't call you, then they're turbo
texting you every minute, asking you where are you, what
are you doing, what's going on? Who you with?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
What's happening?
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Can you take a picture where you're at? I'll like
to see where you're at. Going to take me a picture?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Who you're with? You know, where are you at? Where
you staying at? What hotel? Is that okay, and you
feel compelled.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So the training process is, if this has happened to you,
you begin to feel compelled to respond because you know,
for many of you out there, if you don't respond back,
there's hell to pay. There's a lot of hell to pay.
And it might be more texting, or it could be
the dreaded opposite. And I know that many of you
already know what I'm going to say without me saying it,
(11:53):
because you have had and experienced the dreaded opposite, the
silent treatment. Well, if you won't respond to me, and
given the amount of seconds or minutes, I'll just turn
you off. And that's what they do. And sometimes they
can wait hours and hours, sometimes twenty four hours, even
(12:17):
thirty six hours, punishing you for what you've done. So
now you're very upset about the punishment. You're worried about
what's going on. You're upset because they're not communicating with you. You're
upset because they're not talking to you. You have no
idea what they're doing, who they're with, what's going on.
(12:39):
They have completely flipped the tables on you, and now
you know nothing. And the interesting part about this game
is that it's not equal. When you come home, they're
going to be asking you all questions about your trip,
where you were, all this stuff. But if you ask
them one thing about where they were for those twenty
(12:59):
four hours, they didn't communicate.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Oh, here we go again, the blow.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Up, the argument, the fighting, the passive aggressive behavior, maybe
the disappearance act.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Again, training you again.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
If I bring up anything, they will go silent, they
will disappear on me, and I will have no answers
at all, And you know what, and then there you are,
especially if you have codependency. Where are they? What are
they doing? I'm worried for them, I'm worried. Are we
still in a relationship? What's going on? Even though you
might not be happy with the relationship at all. It's
(13:36):
like this trigger, it's this toxic, you know, trauma trigger
that is really not positive at all, and it just
triggers you to have feelings that you really don't have.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It's not really feelings you have, it's just what happened here?
What do I do? You know?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I kind of feel like I missed the connection. I
miss this what we call it trauma bond. And that's
when trauma bon in love or very confused. You know,
they're very confusing because you don't really realize, oh wait,
this is really a trauma bond. This isn't really love.
And you know, trauma bonds are you know, based on trauma.
They're you know, you're you're triggering each other's trauma with
(14:12):
all these issues happening, it's not love because real love
you don't passively aggressively treat people. You don't do silent
treatment for two days. You don't go sleep over at
someone's house and act like nothing happen and then put
it back on the other person to have to defend
themselves and basically constantly doing that and berating somebody that
that's not love at all.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
That's a pattern of control. And we see this a lot.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Of times with folks that sometimes have narcissistic tendencies, borderline tendencies,
you know, histrionic tendencies, and the list goes on. And
the silent treatment for a specific time is very interesting.
The passive aggressive behavior is very interesting. And that passive
aggressive behavior, that's interesting because the problem with that is
(14:58):
a lot of times with these folks what they do
is they punish and reward, punish and reward. Oh You're
the best thing that's ever happening in my life. I mean,
without you, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I mean,
you know, oh my god, I'm so in love with you.
And sometimes they can be so poetic with their words, right.
The text can be so sweet, I miss you, my love,
I miss you this, I miss you that, oh, you
(15:19):
know whatever. I can't wait to see you, you know, oh,
I love you so much, all this stuff. And then
you see them and they're not like hugging and kissing
on you. They have nothing to do with you. It's
like and then they flip the script. Now it's passive aggressive,
angry behavior, questioning behavior.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
What were you doing all day?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
You're like, well, I was at the office, at the office, really, yeah,
the office.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Working. That's what working people do.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
And that's always a real challenge when it comes to
that type of situation, is that you know, you don't
really know, you know, what's really happening until you act
actually show up. Until you show up, you show up
(16:07):
and you go, oh my god, I thought everything was
good for a while and you were sending me these
great texts, and now I realize that's not the case
at all, And you're very unhappy and this is kind
of the same thing we do all the time, and
now we're going back into this.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
This isn't very fun.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I don't really like this, but you're still there, and
if you try to leave, that's when the arguing or
fighting happens, or you know, the the issues that they
have with you leaving, which is a problem.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
And all this goes back to control.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
It's all made to beat you down, to make you
feel bad, to get you to do something, or to
get you not to do something, to get you to
do something, or to get you to not do something.
It's all manipulation and control devised to make you feel
(16:58):
a specific way. And so I really think about it.
Is there somebody in your life it was manipulating and
controlling you. Do you feel controlled and manipulated currently in
your current life situation?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And what are you doing about it? Too? Well? To
change it.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
We need to change it. We don't want to sit
with it. The longer we continue to sit with it,
I know that we have to get to the point. Right.
I was on with a client today in one of
my sessions, and she said, I have to get to
the point when it really dubs upset me. It really
gets under my skin. And I think that's very true
with anything like even in therapy and coaching. You know,
(17:40):
I get new clients refer to me from from current
clients or past clients who you know you got you
gotta see Ashley. And I'll get some clients who are like,
I'm gonna twin it. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna
do the work.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Even if it's painful where I have to go through it,
I know that eventually on the other side it's gonna
be awesome. I get a lot of those clients which
are fabulous. I get some clients that are like they
put their toe.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
In the water. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't
know if I'm ready for change.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I don't know. The water's a little cold.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Oh god, I don't know. I'm in it for a
little while. Let's see if I can deal with it.
And then you know, some small thing after whatever time, okay,
you know they're out. Or you have people that just
right after the first session done can't deal with it
because they're not willing to make a change, because they
haven't gotten to that point. We have to get to
the point where stuff is so bad, right, and I
(18:27):
don't like to get there. I mean, the problem is,
we don't want to get where where our hair is
on fire. Nobody wants to have their hair on fire.
Nobody wants to be like, gosh, my hair's on fire.
And I get clients who I consider their hair is
on fire. Things have gotten bad, things have gotten overboard.
We are in a not healthy position. We need to
find ourself. We need to get our identity. We don't
(18:49):
We need to really create it, like from ground up.
We need to you know, separate ourselves from these situations
as much as we can in an effort to you know,
get ourselves back, in an effort to safeguard ourselves. All
these things are super super important, and we have to
do it. And that's what I'm saying is that that
is very important, and we have to kind of think
(19:09):
about those types of things. But we have to get
to the point, we have to get to the point
in our life that we're ready for this change that
we don't want to we want to do it, and
it's time. And I think that many of you are there.
You're there, You've had enough of the blow ups. You've
had enough of, the playcation, You've had enough of. I
(19:32):
can't be myself or do my own thing. Every time
I try to do my own thing, even if it's
just going to the gym, or even if it's hanging
out with your best friend down the street having a
beer at the burger joint, it's a problem. And all
you do is hear about it. Oh, yeah, you had
to go out with your friend, right, Oh, I'm sure
that's where you were. Y'all aren't out at the strip
(19:52):
club or doing whatever. And there's all these questions and
wonderment and ask and accusations and all this stuff, and
then this, you know, reactive response to something you haven't
even done. Some of them, even if you haven't done anything,
will just go out and literally just do something crazy.
You have no idea. They go, you know, they go
silent for a day, and you're like, what happened? They
(20:15):
have no comment, But you know it's like, Okay, well,
I'm gonna get you back, even though I don't really,
I'm creating a complete narrative in my head that's not
even appropriately or even true. I'm gonna I'm gonna swerve
out right now and do this. And this is the
stuff that's just overwhelming because now you're like, well, I
can't even go out with my friend to have that
beer for forty five minutes because you know she might
(20:35):
go do that or he might go do that, and
and I don't want that to happen, So I'll just
sit at home and wait. I'll just sit at home
and wait. And that's one of the hardest things when
we deal with these types of BEIT patterns is we
find ourselves being so controlled and so manipulative, manipulated. We
feel like we are not even who we are anymore.
(21:00):
And that's what's so hard because this person on the
other side seems to be their life seems to be good,
they seem to be doing whatever they want to do.
Because remember, this isn't equal, this isn't an equal relationship.
You can't do whatever you want to do. They can
do whatever they want to do. And that's what they're
trying to show you. Through these actions and behaviors and patterns.
(21:24):
They're trying to get you to not even do it anymore.
It's like this behavior, I'm going to beat this behavior
out of you. I'm going to punish this behavior out
of you until you stop basically doing this, you stop
living your life, and now I don't have to worry
about you anymore because now you're under complete control, okay,
and now I can do whatever I want.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
That's really honestly what these people are doing, because now
they have you under their thumb, and now they know
that they can do whatever they want now, right, because.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
They've beat it out of you.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And if you ask them a question, because they've trained you, well, hey,
you know, we're where you've been. I've been home for
two hours, and try to call you like six times.
If you didn't answer, what really, what's this about?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
You know? And then they flip the script on you.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Oh yeah, well I could ask you the same question,
or what about all of a sudden you go, oh god,
I don't want to open this can of arms.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I don't want to ask.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I want to know, but I don't want to know
because I know it's going to be turned around on
me and I'm gonna be the bad guy. And so
think about that. This is very important information to think about.
The flip side, too, is that some of the stuff
that they're doing is actual program patterns that they have
learned even if it's not a big deal, like let's
just say like you're going to the gym. You should
(22:36):
be able to go to the gym. That's your health
we're talking about, correct, But they make a big deal
about it. That's just like you gotta start working on
breaking those patterns because that's why a lot of times too,
when they go off on you. Let's say, like someone
goes off on you for whatever it is, and then
the next day they call you like nothing's wrong, or
they come by and they act like everything's great. It's
(22:57):
like a lot of it is just like it's such
a pattern that it's almost like this is this dramatic,
you know, this dramatic thing that they gotta do, and
then the area are all good next day. And I
have actually coined the phrase myself. I'm the only one
that's ever used this phrase is BPD. BPD amnesia. Now
(23:17):
this is not just for that, it's MPD amnesia. It's
amnesia for anybody that does something and then turns around
and acts like it never happened. And you're over there
like I don't know if I want to bring it up,
because I don't want to start things up again. But again,
these are the things we need to think about, because
if you're in these situations that you're experiencing this stuff,
(23:39):
you are in a manipulative, controlling relationship. There was no
question in my mind. And if that's the case, you
are feeling lost, you are feeling resentment. But the other
side of the coin is in order to be in
this manipulative and controlling relationship, there has to be some
upside to it, like, for example, maybe they flip the
script and you know every four days you are on
(24:02):
this pedestal and you're like, oh my god, Or maybe
they want you to feel as though they need your
help to take care of them. You're the knight in
shining armor.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
And so it really.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Connects with that codependency, you know, the codependency matra. I
got to do for others otherwise I have no value, right,
I mean, I'm a recovering code of pendant.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
I understand I have to do for other others.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Otherwise I have nothing and I am nobody, which is
not true, but that's how when we were raised in
certain dynamics, you believe that when you did something good,
you were you were valuable. That you were not valuable
just in and of itself. And yes, doing good for
people is a good thing, but it doesn't mean that
that just gives us value. We have innate value without
doing anything. We could just sit and have an eight value. Okay,
(24:45):
but that's something that I work with with my clients
to understand and create that so that we stop being
beaten up and disrespected and relationships. But think about it,
sometimes we have we have to call this out if
we want any change, we have to call out the toxicity.
And I'm not talking about wrenching it up, you know,
(25:06):
or or going to their level. I'm talking about calling
it out. Hey, did you realize that in a positive
in a positive call in a positive neutral way? Did
you realize that you're getting angry about at me for
going to the gym and going on the treadmill so
that I can keep my cholesterol and my heart rate
(25:27):
and the right spot. Do you understand that that's what
you're fighting me for. I just want to ask because
I want to make sure you understand that this is
my health we're talking about. Or you know, Hey, i
haven't seen John, my best friend from you know, from
high school, and I've been wanting to see him and
I've canceled multiple plans for him. We were going up
the street, five minutes down the road for a beer.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Do you understand that.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
You're getting angry about this and pointing it out and saying, hey,
this is I'm a human. I have a life too,
and I'm allowed to see my friends. I'm allowed to
work out, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to drink,
I'm allowed to sleep, I'm allowed to do what I
need to do. And sometimes you have to the only
way out of this is to call it out and
to do eventually what you want to do. There's really
(26:10):
no other way. But it takes work and it takes time.
And that's what I'm saying is that we have to
be willing to accept the backlash.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
To move on.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
We have to be willing to accept the backlash to
move on, and that can be hard and and and
you know, I'll have another show for you sooner than later,
which is you know about the leadership role. You know,
in order to really move forward in our life, we
have to take the lead. And you know, you like
(26:44):
taking the lead and being the leader. You know, the leader. Yes,
the leader has a lot on their plate, but nobody's
nobody's really, you know, you know, nobody's really trying to
kick down the follower or the person not in charge
and anybody's life. We need to be in charge of
our own life, our own direction, our own ship. We
(27:06):
need to be in charge of that. We need to
be at the home. We don't need someone else trying
to be at the helm of our ship turning it
around and taking it to a port we don't want
to be at. That's only going to later on bite
us in the butt anyway, and we're gonna have to
make a lot of changes to get our life back
on course. And I don't like to see that for anybody.
(27:28):
I don't like to see that for anybody. And I
think all of us have been there before. I've obviously
been there before, or I could not help other people.
You have to be successful in getting out of manipulative
and controlling relationships with people with extreme narcissistic tendencies and
what have you, and even borderline tendencies or combination even more,
(27:49):
even sociopathic tendencies. You have to be able to be
successful to help other people get out of it. If
you haven't done it, you can't help anybody else get
out of it. It's like if you don't have self love,
like real self love, and you have created that and
done that the proper way from you know, twenty plus
years of working on loving yourself and separating from codependency,
(28:10):
you can't help somebody. You're just basically going through the
motions and maybe something will stick. But if you have
a blind side of something, you can't help others. And
this is something that I have thoroughly walked through, client
after client after client to get this right. And their
lives have changed in a major uptick by working through
(28:32):
these things and reclaiming themselves. And so in another show
we'll be talking more about the leadership role. But in
this process, we have to sometimes rock the boat. We
have to rock the boat to get our stuff across.
We have to say and speak our truth, even if
the yelling starts or whatever. Hey, I'm gonna take a break.
You need to pull yourself together. We'll talk about it later,
(28:54):
you know. I mean, but the thing is a lot
of times you don't want to rock the boat because
we put value of ourselves and our identity in that relationship.
And that's what we have to divide from, is to
divide our identity away from that relationship. Just because you
(29:14):
know whether or not that relationship exists or doesn't exist,
doesn't mean anything about us. It either exists or doesn't,
but even if it doesn't, we are still good and
that's what we have to kind of figure out.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
If you haven't checked out my.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Website, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashleyberges dot com.
You can also set up a coaching session right there
on the coaching session page. Also go to YouTube check
out YouTube and the search engine YouTube put in life
Coach Ashley Burgess. Life coach Ashley b. E r Ges
(29:51):
New video content out every week on these topics and
exact topics like this, as well as over dealing with narcissm,
dealing with all these various types of things, dealing with
you know, manipulation, controlling people, how to overcome this, how
to be successful, how to overcome the pain, the triggering.
All those good things are on there, So check out
(30:12):
the YouTube channel Life Coach Ashley Burgess. I hope this
podcast has been of some awareness and help. Please share
with any family members and friends. You can listen to
it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart Speaker, anywhere that a
podcast is housed anywhere, so check it out Livery True
(30:32):
Life Perspectives. Please share it with everybody. I have a
news show out next week, every Wednesday. It'll pop every
Wednesday between five and nine am, and I look forward
to hearing any feedback. If you'd like to communicate with me,
go to Asleyburgers dot com, click on that contact page
and send me a message.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
I'll get back to you asap.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
And I love hearing from listeners, and I like to
hear your opinions, your thoughts, and even subject matters that
you would like me to discuss. Stay tuned in Literature
Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess will be
back in I'll be back this time.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You know it.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I'll be back this time in three shakes
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