July 9, 2025 • 28 mins
In today’s episode of The Ashley Berges Show, I’m deep diving into something we don’t talk about enough: how we only understand ourselves. We have people in our lives, such as partners, parents, siblings, and best friends, but even they can only interpret what they think we say or feel. They can’t fully grasp what we’re going through internally. I’m exploring what it means to truly know yourself, how we continue to learn about who we are, and why outside perspectives, even well-meaning ones, often fall short.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
You're listening to the Ashley Burchess Show today. I want
to talk about a topic that I think is going
to be a relief to many people. It might be
a little overwhelming to accept initially, but the relief that
it's going to give you and the relief that is
going to give your life is going to be amazing.
(00:29):
I believe that for the most part, we are alone
and the fact that we are the only person that
really understands ourselves. We are the only one that completely
understands ourselves. And we're still learning about ourselves, but we
grasp what we're about, we understand what we mean. We're
working on ourselves. And it's interesting because I find that
(00:52):
there's not really any other person on the planet, even
if you're married or you have you know, parents that
have been with you, or a brother, a sister, or
a best friend, even they don't really understand you. They
only understand what they can interpret, what they can assume,
(01:13):
what they believe is you. And I was recently in
a session with a client and I said, you know,
I probably know you better than anybody knows you. I
asked so many questions. I'm constantly interested in how you're feeling,
why you feel this way, what were the thoughts around that,
What are the dreams that you're having?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
How do we interpret these things?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And so very few of us, if any of us
have anybody in our life that's actually doing that, we don't, right,
we don't.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It's us.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
And even if you're married, even if you've been married
for fifty years, even if you're sleeping next to somebody
for the last twenty five years, it doesn't matter. They
only know what you tell them and what they see,
and then from what you see or from what they
see and what you tell them, they can only assume
and interpret in their own interpretation from their own experiences
(02:06):
based on their historical record of what you mean by that.
So what I'm saying is that your meaning of what
you're saying could be very different than their interpretation of
what they think you're saying. And I find that this
can be very kind of scary to some people because
they're like, wow, I mean, we might be really alone
(02:28):
as far as there are parts of us that other
people probably won't understand, probably won't be able to grasp.
And even if you try to explain yourself to some people, right,
they're still going to interpret or assume, or they've already
made assumptions, or how they feel about you is already
(02:49):
in their minds. So no matter what you say or do,
you can't change that or override that. And let me
give you an example for any of you that might
be codependent or very much people pleasers, or you get
value from helping others or doing good for others, and
doing good for others is not a bad thing, that's
a good thing. But I want us to do good
(03:11):
for others because that's what we want to do, not
because we have to do it, not because we feel
like we have to do it, not because we're being
bullied into it or shamed or guilted into it, none
of those options. We want to be super aware of
why we're doing something. So for example, recently, I had
(03:32):
a friend of mine that was taking care of somebody
in the hospital, and they did a lot of things,
and they went out of their way, and they literally
took everything else in their life and threw it on
the back burner. I watched it, and I watched it
from the sidelines. I watched it, and it was interesting,
and that person that they were helping really didn't really
(03:54):
believe in them actually helping them. So what I'm saying
is they had an interpretation of who they believe this
person to be or what they believe this person is
capable of. And so instead of seeing this altruistic I'm
dropping everything for you, taking you to the hospital, doing
these things for you, instead of interpreting it that way,
they interpreted it as somebody that was brown nosing, somebody
(04:18):
that was trying to get this person to like them more.
They felt like it was very manipulative. So they were
doing all these things, you know, literally putting their work
and their other responsibilities to the wayside, and in the process,
the person that they were helping didn't really see it
as help at all. They were looking through it feeling
(04:39):
as though this person was manipulating them into making them
believe that there's somebody that they're not. What I mean
by that is that when somebody has an interpretation of
who you are, it's very hard, if impossible, to change
that interpretation, okay, And that interpretation could become from sources
(05:00):
as far as somebody was talking ill about you or
positive about you or negative or neutral about you, and
that person allows that other person's you know, way of
thinking to basically a cloud and the color how they
think about you, and so they interpret whatever that other
person is saying is the gospel truth and then interpret
that from there.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Now, what I find though, for.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
People that are people pleasers and codependency, And we've learned
that growing up as a child, many of us were
in environments where, you know, the codependency rubbed off or
we became very codependent with people that were in need
as far as there were issues maybe that you know,
you had an alcoholic mother or father, or a parent
that was doing drugs, or a parent that was very
(05:44):
narcissistic and self centered and so you cater to them,
or a parent that had borderline personality disorder.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And you were catering to the mean you didn't know
what was going on.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
You just began to take on that you know, determination
of I'm going to take care of everybody. I'm gonna
solve the problem, I'm going to make things work. I'm
gonna be there, I'm gonna be the best kid, I'm
gonna get the best grades, I'm gonna do all these
things in an effort to make everybody happy with me,
and an effort to make everyone happy with me, in
(06:14):
an effort for me to calm the situation.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
And all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
So a lot of us learn that in a young
age and throughout our life it has become a critical
position we have as far as wanting to do these
things for others. And I and I and I beg
to ask the question because this is something that I
think many of you don't think about is altruistic. It's
it's fine to be altruistic, it's fine to give to people,
(06:40):
but you need to think about it. Do I want
to do this because I want to do this for
someone else?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Do I want to do this? Is this something I
really just want to do for them?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Or is this something that I have been guilted into doing,
shamed into doing, or I think this will change the
trajectory of our relationship in a positive way if I
do this, or I'm trying to get somebody to see
me in a different light. Okay, because all those other
(07:10):
reasons besides just doing it because you want to do it,
are not good reasons of doing things. And it's very
hard to see things Honestly, it's very hard to separate
things and see things. Do I really want to do
this because I want to do this? Is this something
that I honestly want to do? Question mark, because it's
so hard to understand that, because it goes back to
(07:32):
so many years of patterns of behavior and codependent people
pleasing like training, that you have to really deep down
inside really actually explore the fact that you really, actually
truly want to do this, just altruistically. And it doesn't
matter what the outcome is. It doesn't matter if you
(07:55):
have to go into these things and say, if I
actually altruistically really just want to do this because I
just want to do this, that means that no matter
what happens, I don't care. Like even if the person
says that I'm a jackass and hates me, it's okay.
I might have spent three days doing this, but that's
okay because it wasn't about that. It was about me
doing it because I wanted to do that. And so
these are things that you have to really look at
(08:15):
because I've realized we actually are to some degree alone.
I mean, it was interesting because in several sessions lately,
I realized that I know more about that client than
their spouse, their family, their friends. Because I ask questions,
I'm constantly asking questions, I'm constantly getting a deeper dive psychologically, mentally, emotionally,
(08:39):
spiritually than probably anybody else in their life. I can
honestly say that, and they can honestly agree with that,
because most people assume what we're saying. They don't ask
the question, they just assume what you mean. Then, remember
the fact is that most of us have, you know,
(08:59):
no matter how close a friend is, they have their
own hang ups, their own issues, their own mental hangups,
their own issues that cloud the judgment of how they
hear and interpret something. Okay, for one person, you can
say something and the other person can be very anxious
attachment and assume that you're saying something to them or
(09:21):
putting them down when it has nothing to do with that.
You could have somebody that's very avoidant, that doesn't even
really listen or even pay attention. They might catch a
word or two, but they're not really there. You may
have somebody that thinks that they know what you're talking about,
but they really don't. They don't really have a concept
of what you were really saying.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
To them.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
You might have somebody that's been in a similar situation
that you're talking about, but it's a very different situation
and you have different thoughts about it.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Very rarely are you.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Going to have someone that understands exactly how you feel.
I mean, it's almost impossible. Even if you literally drew
pictures and and talked about it's a nauseum.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
It's very hard think about it.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
When was the last time you tried to explain to
a friend an argument or a negative situation that took
place between a friend of yours or family member or something,
and the person was like making comments but it really
wasn't going along with what was going on, and you
were trying to give as much backstory as possible, but
you started getting exhausted at some point after about thirty minutes,
(10:27):
going oh my god, how much backstory can I get?
Because the other person doesn't really understand? And that's very
interesting because that's why I find it's interesting when people say, oh,
I don't need to go to coaching your therapy. You know,
I can talk to a friend. Oh really, do you
have a friend that's going to listen for hours on
end about why you made this decision based on your
(10:48):
historical record of your family dynamic and your childhood. No,
nor a lot of people are just going to go
along with what you say just to get you to
shut up. Other people think that they have an idea,
but they don't. And some people are gonna lead you
down the path to making a bad decision because they're
assuming things that are not correct. And also remember when
(11:11):
you go to friends for advice, they all have their
own desire and whatever they think is best for you
as well. So again this is a biased concept of
its own and the fact that they even know what's
best for you is also a misnomer in its own
judgment as well, because nobody should know what's best for
you besides yourself. Most people have no clue. They might
(11:32):
make assumptions. So I think about this. It can be
very isolating feeling. But at the same time, we really
are the center of our own universe. Okay, nobody else is.
You may have really deep connections with your family or
a spouse, or a good friend or several people in
your life, and that's great, it's excellent. I'm glad for you.
(11:55):
But again, I want you to really look at these
relationships and realize, yes, they've been around for a while,
but they still don't really get you. They still don't
really understand you. They can only understand you as much
information as they have processed, and as much as they
process this information based on your reality, not their reality,
(12:16):
not how they interpret it, not their life. So think
about that. You are the center of your universe. And
I feel like everybody else around you is like a mirror,
a mirror of some part of you, some part that
you're dealing with, whether it's a powerful, successful part or
(12:38):
something that you're struggling with, or something you haven't accepted.
Maybe it's a shadow part of you, you know, your
shadows self.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Maybe it's not.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I feel like the mirrors of people is it's
almost like a funhouse mirror because some of them can
be so distorted and so overwhelming. Some of them can
be more accurate as far as they're closer to where
you are, but some aren't. And it's interesting, it's like
and it's like, when you really think about it, you know,
(13:08):
it's like that disco ball with those little mirrors, and
each person kind of has this mirror that's reflecting back
into you, that you're reflecting back out to them, and
if you think about somebody else too, it's like it's
their thoughts. Right. So, even if you have a spouse,
even if you're in a long term relationship and even
sleeping in the same bed for how many years twenty
thirty years, they're still in their own mind. You might
(13:33):
see them, you might participate in things with them, but
you're not in their mind. Twenty four to seven. You're
not in their mind at all. You have no idea
what they're thinking about in their mind. They could be
acting one way and thinking the other. They could be
acting like they're happy and thinking about something completely different.
You have absolutely no idea unless they get honest with you.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And when you tell them things.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
About life or about thoughts or whatever, they interpret those
as they do. Like, think about it when many of
us have, you know, concepts of what's happening around the
world around us, and some people call them conspiracy theories,
you know, but conspiracy theories aren't conspiracy theories if they're real, right,
because they're really happening, so it's not a conspiracy. But
you know, it's interesting, like when you bring that up,
things that are actually real even though they've been they're
(14:24):
scientifically acknowledged. You know, you bring it up people, oh,
come on. You know. Part of that is because they
don't want to deal with it. The other part is
that they might be fearful of the fact that it
could be true. The other factor is that they've been
brainwashed for so long to believe that it can't be true.
And so it's so even something that simple can turn
into an argument or somebody's shutting down because they can't
(14:46):
they can't grasp it, they can't believe it, they can't
you know, they can't wrap their brain around that.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
And so again, when.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
People think about other people having walls, like I know
that many of us that have been in long term
marriage is long term real life relationships, you know, twenty
plus years, many of you say, hey, I feel like
my spouse like there's a wall, Like maybe there's an
intimacy wall, maybe there's like you know, not a lot
of sex or sexual actions you know, at home anymore.
(15:14):
And you say, oh, that's that person has a wall
up against that. Yeah. Sure, But also a lot of
times there's a mental emotional wall up right.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But think about it.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
I mean, I think that's logical in the fact that
you know, when somebody is thinking, feeling, going through processes,
there's a very isolated feeling. No matter if somebody has
people all around them, it can still feel very isolating,
you know. And so it's like when you think about
people coming in and out of your life, how they
(15:47):
interpret what you're saying, How do they interpret what you're commenting,
what you're saying in life? So you know they're either
assuming something or they have literally asked you questions to
nauseum to get a better idea of what you think.
But again, for the most part, it's assumptions and personal
(16:10):
interpretations based on their own theories, thoughts, historical background. Okay,
And so for you codependence, for you people pleasers out here,
this should actually be very refreshing for you. It should
be a relief for you that you can let go
of doing all these things all the time to impress
(16:30):
on people or to make them happier or to make
them feel better or whatever it is, because honestly, the
interpretation of you has already been made. As you know,
people make interpretations from the very beginning. And you know,
(16:50):
I find that there's some relationships that need to probably
be let go of. But I also think too One
of the biggest things that we can let go of
is looking for others for acceptance. You know, it's about
going within, because remember, some people are gonna accept you
and they're not. And if somebody doesn't accept you, and
(17:12):
they haven't accepted you, no matter what you do is
not gonna it's not gonna change the fact that they
accept you or not accept you. It's not like one
day you're gonna do this thing and they're gonna be like,
oh my God, Harley Elia, Oh praise the Lord, Oh
my god, this person's a saint. Oh why haven't I
seen this before? If they already have an assumption about
(17:35):
you that is not saintly, it ain't gonna happen. And
I know some of you are like, oh, well, these
people think that I've walked on water. You know, I'm
on the pedestal. I want to stay on the pedestal.
But there will be a moment where you're not gonna
be on the pedestal. Nothing you can do or say
is going to change that. They will execute that moment,
even when you're probably least expecting it, and you will
(17:56):
be off that pedestal and on the ground, and there
you are trying to do these things to get back
on that pedestal.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Oh, I just want to get back on the pedestal.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Oh, but they've already made an assumption on how they
feel about you. So again, it doesn't matter. It's not
until we take that away from them. You got to
take that away from them. As far as you don't
need acceptance from other people, because it doesn't matter anyway,
because the acceptance that you're getting from other people is
(18:26):
only based on their own interpretations of what they accept
or not accept.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So why does it matter to you?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
And I'm not saying we don't do good for people.
I'm not saying we stop doing things for people and
we start being a jackass in every aspect of our life.
That's not at all what I'm saying. But I'm saying
that we have to do things because we truly, at
(18:53):
our core, want to do them. It's not because we
have to. It's not because we were made to you.
It's not because we were punised to it's not because
we are guilted to you. It's not because we were
shamed into doing something. Remember the last time you were
guilted or shamed into doing something, how did you feel
about that. You did it anyway, but you felt crappy.
(19:18):
You did it anyway, but you remember it because it
was like, man, that really sucked. That was one of
my worst experiences of my life. I did it, but
it sucked. And so I want you to think about that.
You can't just like get this time back. It's not
like you can like throw away two weeks of your
life and just go, oh, here's another two weeks back.
(19:40):
It's like, you got to start focusing on your life
and figuring out, what do.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I want to do? What is at my highest good.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It's not necessarily like you know, oh, I want to
go out party and go crazy, but what's at my
highest good? You know what is best because you usually
what is best for you. I mean seriously, not not
what you're conjuring up as being best in some sort
of cockeyed scheme. I'm talking about the best version of you,
(20:12):
the highest level of you. Attaining the highest level of
you can only be the best for everybody else, right,
it can only be the best for everybody else when
we finally look at that and see that and understanding
what that is, and understanding like the people coming in
and out of your life there will be people that
will be long term, there will be people that will
(20:34):
be less long term. But I want you to think
about that. I want you to think about that, and
I want you to think about how much energy you
put into what others think about you, What others think
about you, I mean, because if you think about it,
(20:54):
remember what they think about you. You can't change. And
how they think about you is based on their own
limitations or thought process or versions of the world.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
And you can't change that. I can't.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I can't take everybody you know and chlorophyll them and
take them to a day spa for a week and
do some you know, some Jedi mind change on them.
I can't. I can't do that. I mean, maybe you
can hire me to do that. I'm just kidding, but no,
you know, I can't do that. So I can't change
the way they think. They already think that way, they
already live that way, they already believe that way, They
(21:29):
already coming from a position of action that way. That
is where they are in their life, that is who
they are as a person.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
And so when you realize that.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And you begin to look at all the energy that
you're dissipating trying to get other people to like you
or think you're a good person and all this stuff.
It's like, why are we wasting all that time? You know,
when I look at my situations, I have really become
aware over the last several ten twelve years, I don't
(22:03):
do things just to impress people. I don't do things
anymore just to get people to like me. I mean,
if anything, I'd probably go the opposite direction because I've
let it go. When I'm really when I'm helping people,
it's always genuine. It's always genuine because I know, like
it's either gonna work it's not work. But if I'm
putting my if I'm giving other people the ability to
(22:26):
accept me or reject me, and I'm taking that personally,
I have a problem. And it really, you know, it
got to me. It was about ten years ago, maybe less,
you know what I've been actually probably more. I was
in a couple of reality shows and that kind of
sort of thing, and people always have their comments. They
either really think you're greater, they think you're a loser.
They either think you're awesome, or they tell you to
go kill yourself. And it's the same thing on YouTube
(22:47):
and stuff like that people make comments from the inside
of their house that they would never say to somebody
in person. But they can be really mean and hateful things.
Now they can be very nice things. I've had people,
you know, really and all honest see, you know, like
tell me that I saved them from suicide. I've had
actually thousands of people say that. But I've also had
people say, you know, hey, go put your head in
(23:08):
the freaking oven and kill yourself. And so I had
to let go of looking for acceptance and approval outside
of other people. And I had to realize that no
matter what I did, people are going to have their
ideas about who I am. They're going to decide who
I am. Some people will decide who you are the
first time they meet you, and you can't change that
decisions for them, and you just.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Got to let it go.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Some people will automatically accept you and think you're great,
and some people will not. And one of the biggest
fallacies we have in our life, and this is one
of the saddest things that most of us do. And
I'm going to end this podcast with this. When you
were in elementary school, there was probably a kid that
didn't like you.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
There was a kid that thought you were a dork.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
There was a kid that messed with you, made fun
of you, was mean, okay, and that's sad. We all
had somebody that didn't like us. Some people had it
worse than others. And I know that many of us
tried so hard to get that person to like you. You try,
you tried so hard. You do things you would You
would hope that they would see that, you would go
(24:16):
out of your way to do something. But it never worked.
It never ever worked. And all you could think about
was that one person that didn't like you all the time,
and all you could think about what could I do
to get this person to like me?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
But there was all those other people that liked you,
but you didn't pay attention to them.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
He didn't really focus on them because it was so
important that this one person did not accept you. And
see how much havoc it did to your life. And
see how we're in that same thing again. Most of
us are still living there. I know some people, oh no, no,
I'm not like that, but for the most part, most
people are. You still want everybody to like you, You still
care about what people think, and it's not until you
stop caring what people think. And I'm not saying about
(24:53):
doing crazy stuff and going out and you know, and
doing stuff that's just insane. I'm saying about living the
life of your highest level look good and letting go
of caring what the others say, because they're either gonna
love you or they're not. But then again, it's great
when people love you, But isn't it more important if
(25:14):
you love yourself? Isn't that really the greatest outcome? And
in the end, aren't we all alone anyway? And I
don't mean to sound morbid, but we are. If you
think about it, it doesn't matter if you have a
million people around you. That million people only knows the
sides of you that you've shown them and how they've
interpreted it. They don't even really know you because they
(25:36):
only know the interpretation of you. And as long as
you understand that it's the interpretation of you, not the
knowing of you, I mean, like the real, true knowing
of you, it's not If you can understand that, I
think that can give you a good relief to understand
(25:56):
even if somebody doesn't like you, again, they don't like
the interpret of you, not the true you, And that
to me, is a powerful place to be in, a
powerful place to live from. And I ask you to
do that now is to begin to think about that
in every aspect of your life. Begin to think about
all the relationships you've had, everything that's worked, everything that
(26:17):
has on, all the ups and downs and those types
of things that you're going through. And anytime that you're
trying to get somebody to really like you or to
see your value, I want you to step back and
think about the words that I've spoken about, maybe listening
to this a couple of times.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
This is very deep. This is not a light concept.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
This is one of the biggest concepts you'll ever learn
in life. To begin to see your truth and to
begin to live for you, because ultimately that's what we're
here to do. You can help others, you can be married,
you can have children, you can have family, you can
have all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
It's great because you're you got mirrors, you got stuff
like that to learn from. But in the end, it's
about how we see ourselves, how we come to our
highest level, and ultimately how we bring and take the
need for acceptance from other people about us and take
that and harness that to begin to find acceptance in ourselves.
(27:13):
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So go to Ashley Burgess or Life Coach Ashley Burgess
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(27:33):
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only content.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Check it out.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Love to have you as a member there, or love
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(28:04):
So you know, it's it's it's it's, it's there the
comment Relationship rescue, that's it, Relationship rescue you Ashley Burgas
check that out content all over. If you can't subscribe
or follow and we'll follow you back in the meantime,
think about this.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
It's all about you.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's up to you, and otherwise other people are just
interpreting and assuming. I'll be back next week with a
new podcast. And you've been listening to the Ashley Purchase podcast.
Don't forget to live your your true life.
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
You're listening to the Ashley Burchess Show today. I want
to talk about a topic that I think is going
to be a relief to many people. It might be
a little overwhelming to accept initially, but the relief that
it's going to give you and the relief that is
going to give your life is going to be amazing.
(00:29):
I believe that for the most part, we are alone
and the fact that we are the only person that
really understands ourselves. We are the only one that completely
understands ourselves. And we're still learning about ourselves, but we
grasp what we're about, we understand what we mean. We're
working on ourselves. And it's interesting because I find that
(00:52):
there's not really any other person on the planet, even
if you're married or you have you know, parents that
have been with you, or a brother, a sister, or
a best friend, even they don't really understand you. They
only understand what they can interpret, what they can assume,
(01:13):
what they believe is you. And I was recently in
a session with a client and I said, you know,
I probably know you better than anybody knows you. I
asked so many questions. I'm constantly interested in how you're feeling,
why you feel this way, what were the thoughts around that,
What are the dreams that you're having?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
How do we interpret these things?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And so very few of us, if any of us
have anybody in our life that's actually doing that, we don't, right,
we don't.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
It's us.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
And even if you're married, even if you've been married
for fifty years, even if you're sleeping next to somebody
for the last twenty five years, it doesn't matter. They
only know what you tell them and what they see,
and then from what you see or from what they
see and what you tell them, they can only assume
and interpret in their own interpretation from their own experiences
(02:06):
based on their historical record of what you mean by that.
So what I'm saying is that your meaning of what
you're saying could be very different than their interpretation of
what they think you're saying. And I find that this
can be very kind of scary to some people because
they're like, wow, I mean, we might be really alone
(02:28):
as far as there are parts of us that other
people probably won't understand, probably won't be able to grasp.
And even if you try to explain yourself to some people, right,
they're still going to interpret or assume, or they've already
made assumptions, or how they feel about you is already
(02:49):
in their minds. So no matter what you say or do,
you can't change that or override that. And let me
give you an example for any of you that might
be codependent or very much people pleasers, or you get
value from helping others or doing good for others, and
doing good for others is not a bad thing, that's
a good thing. But I want us to do good
(03:11):
for others because that's what we want to do, not
because we have to do it, not because we feel
like we have to do it, not because we're being
bullied into it or shamed or guilted into it, none
of those options. We want to be super aware of
why we're doing something. So for example, recently, I had
(03:32):
a friend of mine that was taking care of somebody
in the hospital, and they did a lot of things,
and they went out of their way, and they literally
took everything else in their life and threw it on
the back burner. I watched it, and I watched it
from the sidelines. I watched it, and it was interesting,
and that person that they were helping really didn't really
(03:54):
believe in them actually helping them. So what I'm saying
is they had an interpretation of who they believe this
person to be or what they believe this person is
capable of. And so instead of seeing this altruistic I'm
dropping everything for you, taking you to the hospital, doing
these things for you, instead of interpreting it that way,
they interpreted it as somebody that was brown nosing, somebody
(04:18):
that was trying to get this person to like them more.
They felt like it was very manipulative. So they were
doing all these things, you know, literally putting their work
and their other responsibilities to the wayside, and in the process,
the person that they were helping didn't really see it
as help at all. They were looking through it feeling
(04:39):
as though this person was manipulating them into making them
believe that there's somebody that they're not. What I mean
by that is that when somebody has an interpretation of
who you are, it's very hard, if impossible, to change
that interpretation, okay, And that interpretation could become from sources
(05:00):
as far as somebody was talking ill about you or
positive about you or negative or neutral about you, and
that person allows that other person's you know, way of
thinking to basically a cloud and the color how they
think about you, and so they interpret whatever that other
person is saying is the gospel truth and then interpret
that from there.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Now, what I find though, for.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
People that are people pleasers and codependency, And we've learned
that growing up as a child, many of us were
in environments where, you know, the codependency rubbed off or
we became very codependent with people that were in need
as far as there were issues maybe that you know,
you had an alcoholic mother or father, or a parent
that was doing drugs, or a parent that was very
(05:44):
narcissistic and self centered and so you cater to them,
or a parent that had borderline personality disorder.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And you were catering to the mean you didn't know
what was going on.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
You just began to take on that you know, determination
of I'm going to take care of everybody. I'm gonna
solve the problem, I'm going to make things work. I'm
gonna be there, I'm gonna be the best kid, I'm
gonna get the best grades, I'm gonna do all these
things in an effort to make everybody happy with me,
and an effort to make everyone happy with me, in
(06:14):
an effort for me to calm the situation.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
And all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
So a lot of us learn that in a young
age and throughout our life it has become a critical
position we have as far as wanting to do these
things for others. And I and I and I beg
to ask the question because this is something that I
think many of you don't think about is altruistic. It's
it's fine to be altruistic, it's fine to give to people,
(06:40):
but you need to think about it. Do I want
to do this because I want to do this for
someone else?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Do I want to do this? Is this something I
really just want to do for them?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Or is this something that I have been guilted into doing,
shamed into doing, or I think this will change the
trajectory of our relationship in a positive way if I
do this, or I'm trying to get somebody to see
me in a different light. Okay, because all those other
(07:10):
reasons besides just doing it because you want to do it,
are not good reasons of doing things. And it's very
hard to see things Honestly, it's very hard to separate
things and see things. Do I really want to do
this because I want to do this? Is this something
that I honestly want to do? Question mark, because it's
so hard to understand that, because it goes back to
(07:32):
so many years of patterns of behavior and codependent people
pleasing like training, that you have to really deep down
inside really actually explore the fact that you really, actually
truly want to do this, just altruistically. And it doesn't
matter what the outcome is. It doesn't matter if you
(07:55):
have to go into these things and say, if I
actually altruistically really just want to do this because I
just want to do this, that means that no matter
what happens, I don't care. Like even if the person
says that I'm a jackass and hates me, it's okay.
I might have spent three days doing this, but that's
okay because it wasn't about that. It was about me
doing it because I wanted to do that. And so
these are things that you have to really look at
(08:15):
because I've realized we actually are to some degree alone.
I mean, it was interesting because in several sessions lately,
I realized that I know more about that client than
their spouse, their family, their friends. Because I ask questions,
I'm constantly asking questions, I'm constantly getting a deeper dive psychologically, mentally, emotionally,
(08:39):
spiritually than probably anybody else in their life. I can
honestly say that, and they can honestly agree with that,
because most people assume what we're saying. They don't ask
the question, they just assume what you mean. Then, remember
the fact is that most of us have, you know,
(08:59):
no matter how close a friend is, they have their
own hang ups, their own issues, their own mental hangups,
their own issues that cloud the judgment of how they
hear and interpret something. Okay, for one person, you can
say something and the other person can be very anxious
attachment and assume that you're saying something to them or
(09:21):
putting them down when it has nothing to do with that.
You could have somebody that's very avoidant, that doesn't even
really listen or even pay attention. They might catch a
word or two, but they're not really there. You may
have somebody that thinks that they know what you're talking about,
but they really don't. They don't really have a concept
of what you were really saying.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
To them.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
You might have somebody that's been in a similar situation
that you're talking about, but it's a very different situation
and you have different thoughts about it.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Very rarely are you.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Going to have someone that understands exactly how you feel.
I mean, it's almost impossible. Even if you literally drew
pictures and and talked about it's a nauseum.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
It's very hard think about it.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
When was the last time you tried to explain to
a friend an argument or a negative situation that took
place between a friend of yours or family member or something,
and the person was like making comments but it really
wasn't going along with what was going on, and you
were trying to give as much backstory as possible, but
you started getting exhausted at some point after about thirty minutes,
(10:27):
going oh my god, how much backstory can I get?
Because the other person doesn't really understand? And that's very
interesting because that's why I find it's interesting when people say, oh,
I don't need to go to coaching your therapy. You know,
I can talk to a friend. Oh really, do you
have a friend that's going to listen for hours on
end about why you made this decision based on your
(10:48):
historical record of your family dynamic and your childhood. No,
nor a lot of people are just going to go
along with what you say just to get you to
shut up. Other people think that they have an idea,
but they don't. And some people are gonna lead you
down the path to making a bad decision because they're
assuming things that are not correct. And also remember when
(11:11):
you go to friends for advice, they all have their
own desire and whatever they think is best for you
as well. So again this is a biased concept of
its own and the fact that they even know what's
best for you is also a misnomer in its own
judgment as well, because nobody should know what's best for
you besides yourself. Most people have no clue. They might
(11:32):
make assumptions. So I think about this. It can be
very isolating feeling. But at the same time, we really
are the center of our own universe. Okay, nobody else is.
You may have really deep connections with your family or
a spouse, or a good friend or several people in
your life, and that's great, it's excellent. I'm glad for you.
(11:55):
But again, I want you to really look at these
relationships and realize, yes, they've been around for a while,
but they still don't really get you. They still don't
really understand you. They can only understand you as much
information as they have processed, and as much as they
process this information based on your reality, not their reality,
(12:16):
not how they interpret it, not their life. So think
about that. You are the center of your universe. And
I feel like everybody else around you is like a mirror,
a mirror of some part of you, some part that
you're dealing with, whether it's a powerful, successful part or
(12:38):
something that you're struggling with, or something you haven't accepted.
Maybe it's a shadow part of you, you know, your
shadows self.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Maybe it's not.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I feel like the mirrors of people is it's
almost like a funhouse mirror because some of them can
be so distorted and so overwhelming. Some of them can
be more accurate as far as they're closer to where
you are, but some aren't. And it's interesting, it's like
and it's like, when you really think about it, you know,
(13:08):
it's like that disco ball with those little mirrors, and
each person kind of has this mirror that's reflecting back
into you, that you're reflecting back out to them, and
if you think about somebody else too, it's like it's
their thoughts. Right. So, even if you have a spouse,
even if you're in a long term relationship and even
sleeping in the same bed for how many years twenty
thirty years, they're still in their own mind. You might
(13:33):
see them, you might participate in things with them, but
you're not in their mind. Twenty four to seven. You're
not in their mind at all. You have no idea
what they're thinking about in their mind. They could be
acting one way and thinking the other. They could be
acting like they're happy and thinking about something completely different.
You have absolutely no idea unless they get honest with you.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And when you tell them things.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
About life or about thoughts or whatever, they interpret those
as they do. Like, think about it when many of
us have, you know, concepts of what's happening around the
world around us, and some people call them conspiracy theories,
you know, but conspiracy theories aren't conspiracy theories if they're real, right,
because they're really happening, so it's not a conspiracy. But
you know, it's interesting, like when you bring that up,
things that are actually real even though they've been they're
(14:24):
scientifically acknowledged. You know, you bring it up people, oh,
come on. You know. Part of that is because they
don't want to deal with it. The other part is
that they might be fearful of the fact that it
could be true. The other factor is that they've been
brainwashed for so long to believe that it can't be true.
And so it's so even something that simple can turn
into an argument or somebody's shutting down because they can't
(14:46):
they can't grasp it, they can't believe it, they can't
you know, they can't wrap their brain around that.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
And so again, when.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
People think about other people having walls, like I know
that many of us that have been in long term
marriage is long term real life relationships, you know, twenty
plus years, many of you say, hey, I feel like
my spouse like there's a wall, Like maybe there's an
intimacy wall, maybe there's like you know, not a lot
of sex or sexual actions you know, at home anymore.
(15:14):
And you say, oh, that's that person has a wall
up against that. Yeah. Sure, But also a lot of
times there's a mental emotional wall up right.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
But think about it.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
I mean, I think that's logical in the fact that
you know, when somebody is thinking, feeling, going through processes,
there's a very isolated feeling. No matter if somebody has
people all around them, it can still feel very isolating,
you know. And so it's like when you think about
people coming in and out of your life, how they
(15:47):
interpret what you're saying, How do they interpret what you're commenting,
what you're saying in life? So you know they're either
assuming something or they have literally asked you questions to
nauseum to get a better idea of what you think.
But again, for the most part, it's assumptions and personal
(16:10):
interpretations based on their own theories, thoughts, historical background. Okay,
And so for you codependence, for you people pleasers out here,
this should actually be very refreshing for you. It should
be a relief for you that you can let go
of doing all these things all the time to impress
(16:30):
on people or to make them happier or to make
them feel better or whatever it is, because honestly, the
interpretation of you has already been made. As you know,
people make interpretations from the very beginning. And you know,
(16:50):
I find that there's some relationships that need to probably
be let go of. But I also think too One
of the biggest things that we can let go of
is looking for others for acceptance. You know, it's about
going within, because remember, some people are gonna accept you
and they're not. And if somebody doesn't accept you, and
(17:12):
they haven't accepted you, no matter what you do is
not gonna it's not gonna change the fact that they
accept you or not accept you. It's not like one
day you're gonna do this thing and they're gonna be like,
oh my God, Harley Elia, Oh praise the Lord, Oh
my god, this person's a saint. Oh why haven't I
seen this before? If they already have an assumption about
(17:35):
you that is not saintly, it ain't gonna happen. And
I know some of you are like, oh, well, these
people think that I've walked on water. You know, I'm
on the pedestal. I want to stay on the pedestal.
But there will be a moment where you're not gonna
be on the pedestal. Nothing you can do or say
is going to change that. They will execute that moment,
even when you're probably least expecting it, and you will
(17:56):
be off that pedestal and on the ground, and there
you are trying to do these things to get back
on that pedestal.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Oh, I just want to get back on the pedestal.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Oh, but they've already made an assumption on how they
feel about you. So again, it doesn't matter. It's not
until we take that away from them. You got to
take that away from them. As far as you don't
need acceptance from other people, because it doesn't matter anyway,
because the acceptance that you're getting from other people is
(18:26):
only based on their own interpretations of what they accept
or not accept.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
So why does it matter to you?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
And I'm not saying we don't do good for people.
I'm not saying we stop doing things for people and
we start being a jackass in every aspect of our life.
That's not at all what I'm saying. But I'm saying
that we have to do things because we truly, at
(18:53):
our core, want to do them. It's not because we
have to. It's not because we were made to you.
It's not because we were punised to it's not because
we are guilted to you. It's not because we were
shamed into doing something. Remember the last time you were
guilted or shamed into doing something, how did you feel
about that. You did it anyway, but you felt crappy.
(19:18):
You did it anyway, but you remember it because it
was like, man, that really sucked. That was one of
my worst experiences of my life. I did it, but
it sucked. And so I want you to think about that.
You can't just like get this time back. It's not
like you can like throw away two weeks of your
life and just go, oh, here's another two weeks back.
(19:40):
It's like, you got to start focusing on your life
and figuring out, what do.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I want to do? What is at my highest good.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It's not necessarily like you know, oh, I want to
go out party and go crazy, but what's at my
highest good? You know what is best because you usually
what is best for you. I mean seriously, not not
what you're conjuring up as being best in some sort
of cockeyed scheme. I'm talking about the best version of you,
(20:12):
the highest level of you. Attaining the highest level of
you can only be the best for everybody else, right,
it can only be the best for everybody else when
we finally look at that and see that and understanding
what that is, and understanding like the people coming in
and out of your life there will be people that
will be long term, there will be people that will
(20:34):
be less long term. But I want you to think
about that. I want you to think about that, and
I want you to think about how much energy you
put into what others think about you, What others think
about you, I mean, because if you think about it,
(20:54):
remember what they think about you. You can't change. And
how they think about you is based on their own
limitations or thought process or versions of the world.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
And you can't change that. I can't.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I can't take everybody you know and chlorophyll them and
take them to a day spa for a week and
do some you know, some Jedi mind change on them.
I can't. I can't do that. I mean, maybe you
can hire me to do that. I'm just kidding, but no,
you know, I can't do that. So I can't change
the way they think. They already think that way, they
already live that way, they already believe that way, They
(21:29):
already coming from a position of action that way. That
is where they are in their life, that is who
they are as a person.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
And so when you realize that.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And you begin to look at all the energy that
you're dissipating trying to get other people to like you
or think you're a good person and all this stuff.
It's like, why are we wasting all that time? You know,
when I look at my situations, I have really become
aware over the last several ten twelve years, I don't
(22:03):
do things just to impress people. I don't do things
anymore just to get people to like me. I mean,
if anything, I'd probably go the opposite direction because I've
let it go. When I'm really when I'm helping people,
it's always genuine. It's always genuine because I know, like
it's either gonna work it's not work. But if I'm
putting my if I'm giving other people the ability to
(22:26):
accept me or reject me, and I'm taking that personally,
I have a problem. And it really, you know, it
got to me. It was about ten years ago, maybe less,
you know what I've been actually probably more. I was
in a couple of reality shows and that kind of
sort of thing, and people always have their comments. They
either really think you're greater, they think you're a loser.
They either think you're awesome, or they tell you to
go kill yourself. And it's the same thing on YouTube
(22:47):
and stuff like that people make comments from the inside
of their house that they would never say to somebody
in person. But they can be really mean and hateful things.
Now they can be very nice things. I've had people,
you know, really and all honest see, you know, like
tell me that I saved them from suicide. I've had
actually thousands of people say that. But I've also had
people say, you know, hey, go put your head in
(23:08):
the freaking oven and kill yourself. And so I had
to let go of looking for acceptance and approval outside
of other people. And I had to realize that no
matter what I did, people are going to have their
ideas about who I am. They're going to decide who
I am. Some people will decide who you are the
first time they meet you, and you can't change that
decisions for them, and you just.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Got to let it go.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Some people will automatically accept you and think you're great,
and some people will not. And one of the biggest
fallacies we have in our life, and this is one
of the saddest things that most of us do. And
I'm going to end this podcast with this. When you
were in elementary school, there was probably a kid that
didn't like you.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
There was a kid that thought you were a dork.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
There was a kid that messed with you, made fun
of you, was mean, okay, and that's sad. We all
had somebody that didn't like us. Some people had it
worse than others. And I know that many of us
tried so hard to get that person to like you. You try,
you tried so hard. You do things you would You
would hope that they would see that, you would go
(24:16):
out of your way to do something. But it never worked.
It never ever worked. And all you could think about
was that one person that didn't like you all the time,
and all you could think about what could I do
to get this person to like me?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
But there was all those other people that liked you,
but you didn't pay attention to them.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
He didn't really focus on them because it was so
important that this one person did not accept you. And
see how much havoc it did to your life. And
see how we're in that same thing again. Most of
us are still living there. I know some people, oh no, no,
I'm not like that, but for the most part, most
people are. You still want everybody to like you, You still
care about what people think, and it's not until you
stop caring what people think. And I'm not saying about
(24:53):
doing crazy stuff and going out and you know, and
doing stuff that's just insane. I'm saying about living the
life of your highest level look good and letting go
of caring what the others say, because they're either gonna
love you or they're not. But then again, it's great
when people love you, But isn't it more important if
(25:14):
you love yourself? Isn't that really the greatest outcome? And
in the end, aren't we all alone anyway? And I
don't mean to sound morbid, but we are. If you
think about it, it doesn't matter if you have a
million people around you. That million people only knows the
sides of you that you've shown them and how they've
interpreted it. They don't even really know you because they
(25:36):
only know the interpretation of you. And as long as
you understand that it's the interpretation of you, not the
knowing of you, I mean, like the real, true knowing
of you, it's not If you can understand that, I
think that can give you a good relief to understand
(25:56):
even if somebody doesn't like you, again, they don't like
the interpret of you, not the true you, And that
to me, is a powerful place to be in, a
powerful place to live from. And I ask you to
do that now is to begin to think about that
in every aspect of your life. Begin to think about
all the relationships you've had, everything that's worked, everything that
(26:17):
has on, all the ups and downs and those types
of things that you're going through. And anytime that you're
trying to get somebody to really like you or to
see your value, I want you to step back and
think about the words that I've spoken about, maybe listening
to this a couple of times.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
This is very deep. This is not a light concept.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
This is one of the biggest concepts you'll ever learn
in life. To begin to see your truth and to
begin to live for you, because ultimately that's what we're
here to do. You can help others, you can be married,
you can have children, you can have family, you can
have all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
It's great because you're you got mirrors, you got stuff
like that to learn from. But in the end, it's
about how we see ourselves, how we come to our
highest level, and ultimately how we bring and take the
need for acceptance from other people about us and take
that and harness that to begin to find acceptance in ourselves.
(27:13):
If you haven't already, check out my YouTube channel and subscribe.
We're almost at two hundred thousand subscribers. We're so close,
So go to Ashley Burgess or Life Coach Ashley Burgess
on YouTube and you'll see the picture with the orange
background for the new podcast. Go on and click that
subscribe button. Check out some of those videos. We put
(27:33):
two videos out at least per week. You can also
join as a member and get options for exclusive members
only content.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Check it out.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Love to have you as a member there, or love
to have you as a subscriber on the YouTube channel. Also,
don't forget I'm on Facebook, Ashley Burgess on Instagram, Ashley
Burgess LinkedIn Ashley Burgess TikTok Relationship Relationship expert on TikTok
or relationship It would be under Ashley Burgess as well.
(28:04):
So you know, it's it's it's it's, it's there the
comment Relationship rescue, that's it, Relationship rescue you Ashley Burgas
check that out content all over. If you can't subscribe
or follow and we'll follow you back in the meantime,
think about this.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
It's all about you.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's up to you, and otherwise other people are just
interpreting and assuming. I'll be back next week with a
new podcast. And you've been listening to the Ashley Purchase podcast.
Don't forget to live your your true life.
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