Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
My confession.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Sometimes I like to take a twizzler and bite off
one end and then flip it around and bite off
the other end. And I like to drink sprite with
a twizzler like it's a straw.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
That's fancy.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
You've ever done that?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
No, I kind of want to now.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, you'll bite off one into the twizzler and then
you bite off the other end, and then you use
it as straw for sprite. Oh dude, even better. That's
a big brain, man, Yeah, even better if you can
get the sprite from McDonald's.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It's spicy.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
What kind of methmphetamine ingredients do they put in their sprite?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
It's they got battery acid and that shit. God, yeah,
fucking that shit makes your dick come out and say
hi to you.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Hook my nipples up to a car battery. Welcome to
that Brohio podcast, everybody. I'm one half of the Texas
Dallas text is Bound Brohio Podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
I'm the delicious, Nickelicious and I'm the extra chromosome in
this down show where I'm fucking robbed dog. Hey guys,
we're me coming to you, Dallas, Texas.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Oh, We're coming to you all right, October eleventh, there's
I think there's some ticket sales today. Hopefully there's some left.
If you guys want to, you can get on there
and buy them up prohio podcast dot com slash tickets.
You know, in the last episode I mentioned I was
trying out an experiment where I quit paying our hosting bill.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Right our website went down for a whole day. I
saw that I tried. Somebody asked me for the link
for confessions and I was like, yeah, let me go
get it. And I looked at it was like, oh, well,
the site's down. I fixed it. I've fixed it. Oh man,
it happens. That's okay.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
It's hard to be a cheap skate in this world.
I've got what my dad. My dad used to say, like,
you got a fucking caviar taste on a blowny budget
is what he used to say to me.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
That's great, And I'd say, get the fuck out of
my face, old man, Caviar sucks though, for real, it's awful.
I've never had it. It's not good. That's salty.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
As I text my dad today and I asked him
if my mom took Tylan all while she's pregnant with me.
What he say, I'm gonna look, he said, no, she
drank a whole lot of seamen love derogatory. That's my
explains my love for octopus eyes and mermaids. That's why
(02:26):
I want to fuck a mermaids so bad.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
That's why I like drinking. Come, I acquired a taste
for it. I'm droughting in here. Oh man.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
All right, this is the Brohio Confessional. You maybe would say,
Oh Man, I would like to be featured on the
Brohio Confessions.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Well you can. All you gotta do is go.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
To brohio podcast dot com slash Confessions and there's an anonymous
link there that you can send your submissions in. Here's
my promise to you, guys. After going through the list,
A majority of your stories did not make this episode,
oh man.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Surely for the.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Fact that there was an immense amount of volume.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
There was.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Somewhere north of I think we had three hundred of
them before, and there was a new like two hundred
and fifty confessions. So I try to wead through these.
That gives us another fucking month of content right there.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
And this is easy content. We just show up and
read it and laugh. I like it. Yeah, this is
this is my favorite shit to do.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
No research, So let's get it started off, Robert, I'll
let you start like you started.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
You hit your bat lead off playing shortstop. This makes
this is right up my fucking alley here. One time
I touched my cousin's dick uh multiple times. I didn't
know what I was doing or what that meant when
I was so little was the dick little? That's it?
Is it?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I once touched my cousins dick so and I'm not
sure if this is two guys, it doesn't matter. I mean,
obviously this one guy it's hot regardless. There are some
really deep, dark, profound confessions in this episode.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Okay, cool, good stuff. Yeah, I like a good cousin,
cousin Diddling Mantle, I'm right here for it. No, i'd
have any cousins of Diddle or else. I probably would have.
I didn't have any attractive cousins. Unfortunate and say attractive.
They gotta be attractive your cousin for fuck's sake. I'd like,
there's something even more more early wrong if you find
them attractive.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Right, I would say I had male cousins that were
much better looking than female cousins.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
No, I wouldn't have, but they were just that's how homely.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
The other ones Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I guess maybe one or two just a little touch.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
I pinched my nipples and masturbate every day around three
am beside my wife while she sleeps, thinking about my exes.
But I still love her and never cheat on her.
We still good on sex. But that's just how that
just how it is what I do. Man.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Okay, what do you gotta pinch your nipples? Though? Do
you have woman nipples? Does that do anything for you?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Nipples crashed the fuck out If my wife touches my nipple,
I don't want I don't want anybody to pinch my nipple.
I have this reoccurring nightmare of my nipples being chopped off.
And I imagine just floating through life with no nipples.
You just got flat spots in your chest.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
I mean you got you got super solid nipples anyway,
So I mean you're just yeah, they're they're always hard. Yeah,
they're they're there. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
And could you imagine going to the pool and taking
your shirt off and everyone's like, I wonder, what is nipple?
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Oh, there's an areola with nothing attached to it. He
doesn't have one. Yeah, this begs the question if you
if you were nippless, excuse me, say you end up
losing your nipple in some sort of an accident, would
you want your areola to be gone too, or would
you want to keep that?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
No, I would want to look like a cyborg. I'd
want all of it gone all.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Just a complete monochrome color.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Yeah, just a monochromatic fleshy pad. Just a fleshy helicopter pad.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I think that would be fun. But then I think
more people would want to know just what happened to
your nipple by itself, and you know, the aial was
still attached.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Would you rather have dick sized nipples or nipple sized dick?
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Oh? Ship? About the same size, regardless dick size nipples?
Oh ship? All right? Hell yeah, is trying again? It
is off today? There we go. One time I was
jerking off and when I came some went back into
my boxers and I pulled them up. It went directly
(06:25):
into my asshole. Now you're pregnant?
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Oh wait, hang on, I need to take a time out, okay,
or I can just carry this ship without you. Man,
I don't fucking need you, man, I'll read confessions.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
All right, We're gonna pause it for rob Dog. Okay,
we're back.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Sorry, had to take a cutout real quick. Robert had
a crisis.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, I had a drawer full of poop, doors full
of poop.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
That's where I lived my life. Now, the mayonnaise monkey,
I don't think you made it on this one.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
What a name. Long story.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Okay, When I was being when I was fourteen, being
raised in a strict religious household, my parents restricted all
the Internet at my house and even removed access on
most devices and computers so we couldn't look up anything
dirty a lah porn. So, being a fourteen year old
boy who was horny as ever, I had to find
crazy ways to find hot images to jerk off too.
(07:23):
This also led to some interesting ways of jerking off.
Since I wanted to be a good Christian boy who
didn't do that bad stuff, I once promised God i'd
stop jerking off, and then I got so horny I
couldn't take it. I went to the bathroom, and since
I made that promise, I didn't want to break it.
I come up with an idea I wouldn't use my
(07:43):
hands to jerk off and that I'd be all good
and the bathroom. I double checked the door was locked,
and took my phone off and laid on my back,
and I put my feet up and scrunched up my
body so the space between my thighs rubbed my little dick.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
I did this until I comed all over my leg comed.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Then i'd stand up, wipe it all off, and when
i'd get that post nut clarity and feel bad. I
did this a few times until I decided it was stupid.
Another time, I remember being so horny. I waited up
on New Year's Eve and Taylor Swift was performing, and
since I wasn't allowed to watch shows or have anyone
to look at at a I wasn't, I didn't have
(08:25):
any ways to look at a hot woman. Like I
said earlier, I waited for my family to go downstairs
to the other TV that was on, and I saw
my chance to come to an actual video, so I
jerked off my living room too. Taylor Swift's performance, Hell yeah, dude,
you are literally the only human in the history of mankind.
It's masturbated to fucking Taylor Swift. Dude, dude, tremendous performer,
(08:52):
brilliant musical mind. She definitely does not do that thing
you like. Yeah, I mean, come on, I love Taylor Swift.
I have a house full of Swifties, for God's sake,
But that is not a very attractive woman in my opinion.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
I mean, I get it, you know. I mean she's
not ugly either. No, no, not at all, not at all.
It's yeah, I think it's this. It's it's just the
vanilla as her.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
She's If I were a woman and I had a
husband with a very high sex drive and I was
hiring a nanny that I wouldn't want my husband to fuck,
I would hope they look like Taylor Swift.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
He's like, Hi, okay, how about this one? And your
husband's like whatever, that's fine. You know, he's wanting some
big bosom latina woman and he gets Taylor sticks Stickley Swift.
Here's a really nice legs. I'll give her that, or
even hers fake fake legs, the pirate legs.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
That'd be pretty sweet.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Hell.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Yeah, my dad and stepmom took me and my two
st sisters on a cruise when I was twelve. That's fun.
One sister was eleven and the other one was fourteen.
Oh God, the adults had a room and the kids
had a room. I tried everything in my power to
see them naked that week, especially the older one. Hell yeah,
he's especially had a bad sexual devian. I was successful
(10:20):
on multiple occasions with both of them, and he used
that week as my spake making material for about four
years after that god, imagining what they would look like
at the time given how they had developed. My older
sister turned out in high school to be something of
a whoror, and I couldn't help to feel jealous of
all the guys that got to stick it in or.
(10:41):
I once accidentally stumbled on a few pictures of her
and her friend, also a girl, making out and used
to beat my meat to that pretty frequently as well.
That's a stepsister, by the way.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Yeah, I mean I break any laws here, ya, I mean,
this is as close to beast reality as you can get.
That actually fucking the dog, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Is it illegal? No? Is it a moral gray area
as sure.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Area?
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Yeah? It's disgusting. Yeah, and it would have been I
guess it would have been one thing if they were
they were eleven and fourteen or yeah, he was twelve,
they were eleven and fourteen, So I mean it wasn't
like they grew up together, you know. I mean maybe
if you know they were like both like two and
three whenever.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
They all ease, were freshly minted. Yeah, that's stepsisters, that's
the throes of horniness too. Man. Eleven to fourteen year
old horny doesn't.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Oh it's different.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
It's you don't know there. You don't know until you've
been there.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yeah, I fucking I've walked those fucking hallways, buddy. I'm
pretty sure when I was fucking fourteen, I was probably
jerking off to like old ladies double chins man, the
way they moved.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I used to jerk off to musicians friend catalog. Oh dude,
I'd find girls with nice nails holding guitars and shit.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
That'll get you.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I didn't even have to see their faces. How many
times I've jerked off to a check or see when
elite ones.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Man, that's heleraised as bad as weck Hey Rose aggressive
will come at me like that, actually come at me.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
When I was twelve years old, I would practically live
at my best friend's house, staying several nights in a
row during summer break He had an older brother this
is gonna be gay, and a sister. Okay, an older
brother and a sister whom were in high school at
the time. His sister was our high school volleyball star
and I admire her dearly. My best friend and his
(12:34):
siblings all shared the downstairspace. They had one bathroom downstairs,
and that's where the dirty laundry.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Basket was kept.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Okay, Oftentimes, late at night, I would find myself itching
to bust a nut. I would lock myself in that
bathroom and dig through the dirty clothes, meticulously separating his
sister's clothes from the rest. I would usually find a
brawl or some panties. I would then proceed to take
the article of clothing, wrap it around my shaft, and
jerk off. This became a nightly routine. One night, I
(13:04):
went into the bathroom to do the deed, and I
was going through the dirty clothes per huge, I came
across a light colored pair of underwear with pink and
yellow flowers on it. After making my way back to
the toilet, I sat down and was ready to get
to business. I inspected the pants before wrapping around my
shaft and noticed a weird ghenish stain.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
What the fuck does that even mean?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
I think they might have met greenish, but I'm still
reading it as it's spelled gheenish.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Oh fuck greenish, that's do. That's she had an infection.
That's not good. She had a yeast infection.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
My friend's bread. Everyone's yearning for that sour dough starter.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
We've got plenty of it at the house.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
After further inspection, it was obvious that this was indeed
a massive sharp stain. Anyone in their right mind would
have been disgusted, but for some reason I was even
more turned on.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
I took the poop stain underwear and I wrapped around
my throbbing shafts.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I proceeded a jerk off, making sure the poopstain section
was making as much contact with my shaft as possible.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
My friends called me shit dick fro though I blew
my load and the ship fill up. The worth went
to bed and slept like a baby. I hope you
guys enjoyed the story. I love you guys nearly to
my god. Tony, you're a fucking creep dude.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
You got something wrong with you, buddy who just sees
like green, like, yep, that's my bread and butter, buddy.
You don't stop and say like that might not be
a poopstain.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Like I'm really horny. You see green, and you're like, oh,
I'm fucking even hornier now it's my fucking Green means
go baby, might be a ut I green means go baby.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Green is the color of the PILLI I take to
make that shit go away.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
It is. Oh fuck, that's awesome. Good story. That's a
deep confession. That's a deep cut.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Yeah, there's someone listening to this, Like where am I
I'm always what after he stayed the night?
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Oh shit, Hell yeah, here we go. Here's a dumb one.
They all are. I was the youngest of three kids,
and therefore I was always the scapegoat and had no
voice most of the time. So the only retaliation I
had against my sister for making me the blame one
day was secretly brushing my dog's teeth with her toothbrush.
Then I watched her brush her teeth in the morning
(15:33):
after after and just davored the moment thinking to my
stuff about how my dog likely liked to regularly eat shit.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was in the seventh grade.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Dude, I would be so wounded someone did that to me.
It was what night was it? It was Tuesday night? Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Pepper let her out for the night, and then she
came back in right before bed. And then my wife's like,
you know, I always go a little Debbie shopping right
before bedtime. You got to grab me an oatmeal, krim
or you know, a nutty buddy whatever. And I was
a little deb well, I was big debraa shopping yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
And my wife's like, did you shit your bands?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
I'm like, no, that smells eerily similar to dog shit.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Though. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
When I look at Pepper, Jesus, look at her, there's
no shit. I checked the bomb of my shoes. I
checked the bomb of her feet. There's no shit anywhere.
And then finally, you know, she got like a hairy
hairy butt and I lifted her tail. It looked like
she sat flat on the ground like butthole in contact
with the ground and shit, oh no, and just like
(16:44):
a like a plato squeeze thing, just like and I
just looked at I said, what the fuck is wrong
with you? And I had to give her a bath,
like eleven o'clock a night. That sucks, and knock.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
All the poop off of her. That's a hole ordeal
with those dogs too, especially because I hear they are
Yeah it was that wasn't a whole ordeal.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And then when they get out of the bath, they
get She get the zoomies too, whenever she gets out
the bath, the most unrealistic amount of zoomies. Yeah, yeah,
it's like Paul Mark's and the ceiling and stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
She just ours used to do that too whenever we
had dogs, every time they had air dry so fat.
I let her out again, I sayd go fuck outside
and run. Just don't sit and again go run.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
I cheated my way to graduating college with honors.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
I barely read any of the material, and all the
quizzes and tests were available online. I wrote my own papers,
but they were all very easy and only loosely related
to the subject matter. My family thinks I was really
focused and dedicated, but I was too burned out from
work and keeping up with things at home to throw something.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Else on my plate.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Also, so far degree the degree has been useless, and
I feel like the whole thing was a waste of time.
Glad I cheated, not sorry about it. I wouldn't be
either that's a proud moment for me. That's not a confession.
You should get a badge of honor. Yeah, good for
you fucking your way through college. Hell yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
I love that for you. I mean you're just paying
for a piece of paper angulay, Yeah, exactly in most instances. Yeah,
I'm all for. That's that's white collar crime. I'm fine for.
I'm fine with it.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
You know, I see a lot more job postings where
it says a bachelor's degree or five years.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Of work experience.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
I'm like, finally a little bit of it's a little
bit of recognition here for the people that have been
working since.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, I mean unless you're going to school for fucking like,
you know, to be a doctor, even like a lawyer. Shit,
I mean that's.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Something that requires a formal education.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Yeah. Absolutely. I think it's just it's it's I.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Don't want a fucking potato peeler working on my brain,
giving me surgery or something.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Yeah. I feel like it's kind of antiquated college.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
But this is coming from someone who didn't graduate, so
that's probably why it shows. I don't think anyone everyone's
ever listened to us, and like those guys went to
college right right, fucking stupid man. This next one is
it's all you, but it's it's a good one.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
It's a heavy I can tell by the title just
says I'm not even gonna read the title. It's a
little bit of a mystery for you guys. Longtime listener,
first time emailer. I was in London for the weekend
with my wife and in London and we went to
a pizza place called Rudy's, hands down the best pizza,
and soho okay, that's that's a big claim. A little
(19:18):
while later, my stomach started feeling off, but I thought
nothing of it. We popped into a department store and
I suddenly had to go. It wasn't my proudest toilet visit,
the kind of where you stand up and go Nope,
not done yet, reload, reload. Twenty minutes later, they're closing
up and kicked us out. Hang on, okay, well you
(19:41):
got if.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
You ever worked the store or restaurant where you gotta
close it down, uh yeah, yeah, usually just let that
all the customers leave, and you like, there's no one
in the dining room or there's no one at the bar.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Did you imagine they have to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Like, eh, you did, hurry up, buddy, Hey, you to
get all of that thing. I gotta go home closing up.
I'd be so mad if I, like, I got a
fucking hot date. I'm waiting to close the close up
the restaurant, but I'm waiting for some dude to get
off the fucking can.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
He's just stinking up your fucking bathroom. You gotta clean
before you just keep the seat warm. He comes out,
he's not flushing very good. That's like the worst, the
worst end of your night. We jumped on the underground
about four or five stops from the hotel, and my
stomach started rumbling again. I ran back out of the
station up three long.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Escalators, which if you have to fucking shit and you
gotta run upstairs or an escalator, your your poor buttholes
fucking begging for mercy.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
You better hope you're taught hunting for a toilet. Nothing
back down I went, hoping I could hold on till
the hotel. My wife kept asking if I was okay.
Apparently my face said it all. I was gripping the
handrail on it on to like my life depended on it.
Knuckles white, thinking, if I let out of even the
tiniest fart, one of these kids around at this ass
(20:59):
height is done.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Four I've had those before.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Oh man, yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Easily the worst tube journey of my life, but I
made it almost. We had five escalators and a short
walk left to the hotel. The first couple I managed
with Olympic level, clinching. Okay, okay, my wife captain, reassuring
(21:23):
me not long now.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
And not long now, not long now. But on the
last escalator I lost the battle, a part with enough
pressure to fill my boxers with the warmest sensation imaginable.
My wife again asked if I was okay. No, I've
just shipped myself.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
I told her, I know British people pooped their pants too.
Oh yeah, dude, I always brag about them. Nasty as breakfast,
No wonder they eat a fucking beans and toasts a
humpcap full of baked beans and sausages, and wonder why
you shit yourself at midday?
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Nasty bastards. I grabbed the room key and power water
to the hotel, praying nothing was running down my leg.
I was in shorts. It would have been obvious at
the hotel. The lift doors open with a group of girls.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
On the night out inside, so I took the stairs
three floors straight to the room. My wife followed as
if I had really just shit myself, as though I'd
be making it up.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Did you really yourselves? Do you really have a shit
in your trousers? You really got a poo? You need
to get you the loo?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
You got a poo in your trousers? After a shower
and clean up, I stuffed my shitty boxers in a
Arod's bag. I guess that's a store like Lazarus or
Nis Lazarus. I stuffed my shitty boxers in a Lazarus bag,
covered them with fancy paper, and left it outside the room,
chuckling at the thought of someone finding it, expecting jewelry discovering.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
Well, not that.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
I walked back my wife. I just ordered sushi on
Uber Eats. I went down the reception to pick it up,
just hoping there wasn't a trail behind me.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Anyways, Thanks bros. I still eat dairy, but only at home. Now,
that's great, that's a that's tortreous. Oh fuck, I hate
pooping my pants. I never have. I have no fucking
cool stories. I think I just keep myself by bathrooms.
I think I've gotten pretty fucking close, really close, so
(23:28):
you're pretty much I maybe have some poop in my
butt before, but I don't think I.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Have full shit pretty much handicap where you gotta just
gotta live your life close to a bathroom.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
So, I mean, the secret of my success, I'll take
a really good one in the morning, and then in
the evening before I shower, I'll take one. I'm usually
good in the middle of the day, so I'm usually okay,
but I'm I'm a wild card.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
I might go four days without pooping.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
I mean, if I'm not drinking water, I'll go too,
three four days without shitting.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Like that ain't good. It feel like I was burthing
a baby.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
What I like about living here is I live with
so many women that when I shit and I use
all the toilet paper, I just don't refill it, and
I never get blamed for it because they gotta wipe every.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Time they pee. That's true. And I'm like, I don't
even shit here. Yeah, only shit at work. You only
got to use that thing to burp the snake. You'll
give you a little dab.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
I pee outside more than I p inside because I'm
always outside of playing with the dog and I yeah,
I just pee out there.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I say take the next two because this next one
short too.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I only get off while having sex with my wife
if I think of her sister. Okay, well that's disgusting
for me in my case, if I adhere to something
like that.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Oops, well sorry, he says, what's up, bros.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
I'm a twenty three year old dude who is confident
in my sexuality. I have not said I'm gay, but
I fucking dig a chick of a dick. If she hits, okay,
if she's hit, if she's hit AnyWho. The wife and
I got a butt plug that vibrates.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Shit.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
That's the end of the confession, right there is. She
says it was too big, so I use it. If
you all have not came using your prostate, you will
smell rainbows when you do.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
No, thank you.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Well, she was out of town one day and I
had the house to myself. She has a pink dildo
that's average size. I would guess what about people that
fuck themselves with like octopus tentacles and ship.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Dude, that's it's pretty it's pretty cool. It's becoming more popular.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
I decided to lube up the old chili ring and
use it.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Well.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
It also had a suction cup, so naturally, I feel
like that's God. I feel like that's that's gay. If
you have a suction like as a straight man, if
you use a dildo in your butt, it's not entirely gay.
But if you suction cup it to the wall and
use it just for like you want, like brute forest
behind to drive it to the shower wall and just
fucking unfortunately, back that thing up. You should seek men. Yeah,
(26:07):
only exclusively from there. As I was backing on to it,
I wasn't relaxed enough and didn't do it slow enough,
and I found out the feeling women have when they're
not ready but you are. Oh my godfellows might tell you.
It took the breath out of me. I did not exhale,
My chest tightened up and there was nothing there. Then
I got hot as fucking sweaty and wanted a puke.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
This is what you gave. Maybe he is straight. That's
what I would feel like if it happened to me. Yeah,
this dude straight as fuck. I mean blood pressure pills
after this ship. If you'd have just been like, fuck my,
he's pretty gay but.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Passed out gay, then it seemed as if I could
feel every little butthole spoke on fire.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Butthole spokes you like spokes on a tire, you know,
like like with the rings around your ass.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
You feel like the fucking like that it's like a sun,
Like there's the lines.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
That that that. Oh hell yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
After I calm down, naturally, I relax and took it
like a fucking man.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
The damn ladies.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
I'm a blue dollar, blue collar fellaw who loves to
put it in my wife's thinker and now I know
what she feels like that one time. Hope this isn't
too long to not make the cut. Well, the only
cutting going on here is my fucking wrists. After I
have to think about you slipping and falling on dildo.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I'm not a bit I'm not a big fan of
butt stuff, man. I just think that there's.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
I mean sure in the moment and like it's erotic
and stuff, yeah, but it's it's for fucking it's poopy.
Like I know a lot of guys say, like a
prostate orgasm is like he said, it makes you taste rainbows. Yeah,
(28:00):
but my butt hurts, man, and it stinks really bad.
And I've tried to clean it real good before, just
in case. Like I thought I was getting in a situation.
You know, one time, my wife's like, I'm gonna eat
you out, and I'm like, okay, oh fuck, well, then
I guess I.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Better put your ankles behind your head. I best. I
guess I better really clean this. I like, there's so
much work. You gotta fucking get the power washer out. Yeah,
you gotta fucking Yeah. So there's there's this meme that
I saw. I think it was actually there was a
Reddit post. I just had to find it because this
is maybe we've read this on here before, but I
(28:37):
one hundred percent agree with and it's I live my
life by this motto. The question was it was like
I think it was like in the ask anyone or whatever,
and it says, guys, what are the sensation differences between
putting your penis in a mouth, vagina and an ass?
In which do you prefer? The top comment, which is
absolutely perfect. The mouth is a sports car, capable of
(29:01):
amazing things when controlled by a talented driver.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
The vagina is a high end sedan luxury interior with
all the amenities and features, built for comfort, a smooth
ride all the way.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Ten out of ten would drive it every day. The
ass is a ninety seven base model Jeep Wrangler with
one hundred and thirty thousand miles on the odometer. Yeah,
sort of fun to take for a spin every once
in a while for kicks, But the interior is pretty sparse,
the seats aren't very comfortable for the driver or the passenger,
and you might leak some fluids before you have to
(29:33):
do some big maintenance right before you take it out. Personally,
I could take it or leave it, but I'm aware
that some people just have a thing for Wranglers, so.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
So be it to each of their own. I'm like,
you know what, that's so fucking perfectly ritty. I'm gonna
put one of the little ducks on my wife's butt tonight.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Why are you doing that? That thing is a Jeep, baby,
that's a jerokey, just ducked your ass.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Speaking of Indians, this next one involves an Indian. This
is probably my favorite one, and want to take it
to one of my favorite ones.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
It's a little long one, long one. You do better
with the long ones than me.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
One time, long ago, I just learned how my pork
sword worked. Now that was good for me because I
could just play with my dick and get happy feeling
at the end.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Last forward a couple weeks and I get notified that
we are moving. Does not phase me a bit, so
I keep at it, putting caluses on my cock. Well
comes the actual time to move, and we all need
to get a motel room. While we were moving out
our stuff, well, my grandparents own this shady ass motel
that they had Western themed.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Of course it was I.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Thought, uh, hell yeah, every kid wants this shit.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
It's how you know this person ain't Indian because it's
a Western themed motel. This is a white This is
a white motel if I've ever heard of one.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
There comes the night time and my worm gets to
move in. Well here's the hard part. The girls slept
with girls, and the boys with the boys. My little
brother wanted to pool out bed, so I slept with
my dad. My dad had worked at a grain elevator
for all of his life, so he has this nasty,
fucking gut bubbling snore.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
That'll get you.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Man like me keep that in mind, it will come back.
So I get the urge to splurge. So I go
to the bathroom. Like I said, it's a motel, one
room with two beds, a whole family is a sleep
one of the motels from any movie, with an old wooden.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Door for the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
That bitch creaked and moaned like a snow buddy at
a pearl hearing. So IM sitting there for five minutes
as to let my sisters or my mom realize someone's
laying a stinker so she can go back to bed.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
I love called a stinker. It's so good.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Then the time commences, so goddamn horny. I don't even
bother getting all the way naked. Wait a second, yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
Is that a thing who gets all the way naked?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
I mean, yeah, yeah, I do get completely naked as shit,
But what kind of fucking serial killer gets.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Completely naked to masturbait?
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Hell no, man, I don't even want to look at
my dick when I'm doing that. I's free form. On
One time, I jerked off stair in the mirror and
I passed out and hit my head. Hell yeah, dude,
I just tucked my shirt up under my chin like
a Kneanderthal.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Why is your shirt so long? My problem is we're
in a tall ties.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
For some reason, my memory of the high school cheerleaders
and bathing suits of the pool wasn't working. I was
getting frustrated, so God damn. I looked at my left
in no way. There she was a foil picture of
Soka Juweah. Even better, she wasn't carrying that dumbass baby
of hers.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
It's fucking Christopher Columbus.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
She was in a skimpy little deer high dress and
looked like she was looking for a hot white man.
So I fucking lit the fuse and went to fucking town.
I came so hard I saw stars. I'm gonna give
this brown skin bitch of white baby, she's gonna love it.
He went, full fucking racist. She wants a fucking white man.
(33:24):
I know it's a foil.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
That body was built of sin. Remember we used to
like draw pictures on foil, Like, yeah, dude, that was cool.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
As I had to clean up my mess, take my
shirt off my mouth because I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
I had to clean up my mess.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
Take my shirt out of my mouth because of the
point had fallen out of my chin so much.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
I just bit it.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
So now I got a wet spot from my shirt,
sitting on my wienie and standing there like Porky the pig.
I clean up and go back into the bed post
nut clarity is awful because I'm bedside with my dad now. Anyways,
I go to sleep. I wake up at what appears
to be three am with a raging, fucking boner. I
mean it hurts to touch. I must have had me
(34:11):
a saka joey a dream. Anyways, one of them is
my dumb ass was too lazy to go to the
bathroom again. I think, God, you see where it's going.
I just whipped up my cock and started beating it.
Then I remembered my dad was in the same bed
as me. He just remembered, like, how do you forget that?
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Oops?
Speaker 2 (34:32):
That motherfucker started storing so loud. After I stopped and
looked over his face. I just know he knew I
was snapping my slim gym. That did not compute at
the time, so I just took it as a sign
I beat the devil off of it.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
Oh God, it.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
All came back to me when I listened to a
confessional last time from y'all. I had a oh fuck,
no way moment. So I have not seen him since
the brain fuck. I've not seen him since the brain
fuck moment. Not sure how I feel. I live in
another state with my own family now, so I imagine
he had maybe forgotten you.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Hope he dies.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
But I have a son of my own now, and
that sneaky fuck ever tries to see Paul Mall and
her five sisters while I'm in the bed beside him,
I'll burn that bitch down.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Oh man, that's wild, dude. You're fucking crazy, crazy motherfucker.
Ain't nothing better than old Sokka joy a jerk man.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
They named an Indian after a comfortable piece of footwear.
Got your so jas on on.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Shit.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
I wear dress soccer Julias when I wear my wedding shoes.
I got a basketball soccer Jueys when the wreck and play.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
Yeah, so stupid. I will always feel guilty for this one.
In twenty eighteen, I was with a man and his
best friend just so happened to live in the same
apartment complex as me. I would babysit his kids and
he would always pay me generously, like ridiculously generously. One night,
(36:15):
I babysat his kids, and when he got home we
ended up drinking way too much. He mentioned something about
a sybyan machine.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
You know what sibyan is. I have no fucking idea.
If you don't know what it is, look it up.
It's a you know, like the horse they use in
the Olympics, like that that Howard Stern used to get
girls of set on. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, they turn
it up all the way.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:40):
So this guy just has a random sibying in his house, gotcha?
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Yeah? I had no idea. Good to know before I
knew what. Before I knew it, I was laying there
on the ground and he used it on me. He
gave me eight hundred dollars and I walked to my
apartment wondering what the fuck Besides the huge dong touched
the city had gotten to me. I have never told it.
I've never told anyone about it until just now. He
(37:06):
and I acted like it never happened.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
I felt guilty for a while over it, but at
the end of the day, at least I didn't sleep
with him.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
I guess you know what, This woman is a prostitute.
Aside from that, I feel like guess is this is
a victimless crime.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
I feel like that is the ultimate display of gentlemanness. Yeah,
he's just like, hey, I got a toy and I
want to show it to you, and I have no
intentions of taking advantage of you. Right, how do you
talk a woman onto a sibyan without the intent of
eventually taking her body. Sure, that's a very complicated situation
in my opinion, And need I say kudos to him
(37:46):
for not overstepping bounderies.
Speaker 1 (37:48):
Yeah, he just like yeah at the enemy, just like,
ga'd you like that? How was that?
Speaker 2 (37:55):
And that says a lot about the Sybyan that like
she was done with and she's like she didn't need him.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
I'm gonna go home. Yeah, I don't want to be here.
I don't need you. Oh my god, cybians are expensive.
Ship Like that is why more and more women realize
they don't need men.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
You gotta hook him up to a hot rod, boat battery,
turn a sibbying on the fucking lights in your house?
Godmn and ship oh man, channeler starts rattling, I.
Speaker 1 (38:23):
Want to ride a sibyon.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
There's that one clip on Howard's Turn of buck Angel
riding a sybyon.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting. Yeah, once you said Howard Sturn,
I knew exactly what you were talking about. And they
had a Babushka whatever his name Gary Gary.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
He was holding the microphone over there like, yeah, just.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
A Russian term of endearment.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
And I think it is I think it was buck Angel,
the buck Angel, like it's like, oh, I'm a score,
which you remember in private parts when that when she
fucking wrote the speaker and Buck Angel squirted and Gary's
like it start gang.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
I remember.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
I remember that my younger brother used to steal my
little sister's underwear and hide it under our bunk bed.
I had no idea, but one day I walked into
the bedroom and he was wearing her underwear and his
little peepy was hard.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
Oh fuck.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
I was not reading it and was totally taking a drink.
Whenever you read that, I bout lost it and his
little peepy was hard. He told me he liked the
way it felt. I told him I would beat his
ass if I saw him do it again. Never happened again.
We never spoke about it again. I now wonder if
he was a woman's pant, if he has a woman's
(39:42):
panty fetish.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
I'm sure he does. Yeah, you did the good older
brother thing.
Speaker 2 (39:47):
You remember that one time you caught him wearing your
sister's panties. Yeah, he has a women's panty fetish for sure.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
A little peepy was hard.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
That's fucking hilarious, his little peepy. It was hard, man,
poor guy. I feel like my the older brother, that is,
I feel like my penis and balls would be very
unflattering a pair of lace panties.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
Dude, there's no way. I mean, the the material probably
feels good, but but it's not gonna be flattering on
your fucking on your babushkas.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
I'd have hair sticking out and shiit.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
Oh dude, fucking sax skin spilling over the side.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
No matter how hard you try, you can't shave all
of it. It's just it's just virtually impossible.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Oh fuck. When I was put in time out growing up,
I would shit or piss my pants. I'm sorry, shitting,
pissing the floor vent. It's even worse in my bedroom
to get back of my mom and dad.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
My mom was so fed up with the smell she
tore my bedroom apart and finally found dried up turds
in the floor vent.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
I got an ass whooping for that one. If I
found turds in the air vent, oh my god, I'd
go crazy so cross. I used to do the same thing,
fucking petrified turds in the air event. And I wonder
why your room smell like shit.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
I remember one time when I was a I used
to put stuff.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
In the vents like that was my thing. I hide
shit in the vents.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
And my mom would be like, oh my god, why
is there's so much shit, and you know, just get upset.
But we I lived in the attic upstairs in my house,
and you would walk the entire length of the attic
and then there was a step down towards the back
of it. And that step down was like right above
our front porch, okay, and there was a hole in
(41:43):
the ground I'd say about a three inch two inch
and diameter hole and that that so like below that
would have been the roof of our covered front porch.
But there was a hole in the floor. And I
remember my mom and dad were there. Uh they had
like appraiser's the house, and they were walking through like
(42:03):
writing down and they came up to my room and
I was sitting there. I was a little kid. They're like,
how you doing, buddy. I was like, I'm all right.
I was like, what are you What are you guys doing? Like, well,
we're just checking out the house. I'm like, oh, okay.
I like the stuff stuff in this hole right here,
and I like jumped down and stuff to shove the
entire fucking hot wheel down that hole and just like
(42:24):
it's just gone.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
You never like you could never ever get it back.
I like to put stuff in this hole.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
And my dad was behind him and he's just like,
oh God, why do you have to talk to the
autistic one? His mother took a lot of title. His
mom lived off title all with his dumb ass. They're like, oh,
my dad handed me a crowbar and he's like.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
Bend this for him, son. We want I want to
show how strong you are. This frying pan in half.
Do some magic. Sorry, keep him chained up. I like
to stick stuff in this hole. It's so stupid.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
I like to go there, and now I'm thinking about
this now, I'd like to go there now and stick
like a bor scope.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Down that hole.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
I bet there's a lot of really really cool like
stuff that I would see and be like, wow, I
really wish my parents would kept my toys. I don't
know what happened.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
There's like some fucking POGs and ship down there.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
There's gotta be there's I bet you there's all kinds
of fun stuff. I'd like to get that hot wheel
that I fucking shoved down there that night.
Speaker 1 (43:34):
It could be a collector's item. Now, well.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Two of them here, Oh my god? Well you sure
you want me to read this one? Yeah? Hello Nick
and Rob, my husband and I found your podcast.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Wait, wait up above it right right below the dotted
lines go down right right below, right above what you
we were just reading right there. This No, that's the TLDR. Oh, okay,
got you got you? Got you got it?
Speaker 2 (44:06):
Okay, Hello Nick and Rob, my husband and I found
your podcast shortly after marrying in twenty twenty two.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
Now, you guys are a staple in our relationship.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Well, I'm about to bring you immense fucking heartache and nausea.
So jump right into the title, which I'm not telling you,
guys the title. My husband and I were high school
sweethearts and we got married at twenty years old. We
come from a religious background, so we were each other's
first and waited until our wedding night. Congratulations, look at you, guys. Anyways,
(44:39):
I just started sucking my husband's cock pretty much from
the get go.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
Fuck hell yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
Anyways, I started sucking my husband's cock pretty much from
the get go, but it was mainly used for foreplay. However,
after one magic night, parked in a church parking lot. Ooh,
it wasn't a Sunday. We aren't a complete we aren't
complete heathens, my husband came in my mouth for the
first time. It was so nasty, but I didn't want
(45:07):
to make him feel bad, so I held it in
my mouth until we were done. Then I spit it
onto the ground.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
Oh man, good little girl. Disrespectful.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
My husband had zero issues with this, since, in his words,
that shit smells like moldy wet laundry.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I wouldn't swallow it either.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
This dude ate nothing but fucking slim gems and smoking
like fucking smoking Paul Mall's.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
If that tastes like cheese and mountain dew, I know why.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
However, I couldn't help but set a goal to eventually
swallow just to say I did it. Okay, later after,
during a hot session, I told my husband to come
in my mouth and I'd swallow like a good girl.
He immediately did, and I honored my promise, swallowing as
fast as I could, like I was taking cough medicine.
(45:57):
My husband was shocked I actually did it, and I
was shocked I didn't bar fall over him. See it's
not that hard, ladies and gentlemen. Later that night, I
noticed my stomach felt gross, but I figured it was
something I ate earlier, not the mouthful of fucking the
belly full come you just ate or Next morning, my
husband kissed me goodbye. What a nasty fucker, dirty bit.
(46:19):
My husband kissed me goodbye after I sucked his dick
and I slept in a little longer. When I got up,
I did my morning stretch. I basically stretch up while
sitting in bed and reached down to my toes. This
is important as I've been down. I let out a fart.
No biggie, this is often part of the process. Until
I leaned back up. That's when I felt something warm
splash against my butt cheeks and I froze, Thinking to myself,
(46:41):
did I seriously shit myself? I whipped around and saw
what looked like Travis Pastrana had ripped through my bed
with his muddy dirt bike. Oh no, that's a lot
of fucking poopde it's a lot of poo.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Women don't poop like this.
Speaker 2 (46:53):
This is a man. There was shit from my ass
across the sheets, up the pillow, and onto the wall.
Muddy shit too. It looked like it had gravel. Oh god,
it's just fucking that's mud. Butter at their dog, she's sucking.
She took a whole excavation.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
I hope he took her to the veterinarian after that.
Dude gravel in it eating now the dumpster chol or something.
Speaker 2 (47:25):
I didn't wanted to seep the sheets and get onto
the mattress, so I ripped the sheets up. This caused
the muddy concoction to pull around me. I panted because
I didn't want to get a uti and I just
created a little kiddie pool of my shit. But I
also didn't want to dump it all over the carpet,
so I hopped out of the So I hopped out
of the bed, carrying it like a soggy diaper. As
I was walling the bathroom, gravity hit my coin and
(47:47):
I felt the dreadful thundering in my anus once again.
Let me know more was on the way.
Speaker 1 (47:52):
Second round.
Speaker 2 (47:55):
I threw the sheets into the shower and poured my
heart and sole into that toilet. Just then my phone
rang and it was my husband. He was just driving
in order to shoot the breeze. I asked him if
he had any sort of stomach ache, to see if
it was something I made, something I made last night.
He said he felt fine, and I told him I
wasn't feeling good leaving out of the bedshit part. He
joked it was probably because I swallowed for the first time.
(48:17):
Muddy shit was everywhere. Is this the thing I've never swallowed?
Come tonight and see if I shipped myself.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Yeah, I need to know.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
I didn't even know where to start. After spraying off
the sheets, taking a scalding hot shower, and wiping down
the wall, I felt relieved that it was laundry day
and I could immediately wash the sheets without raising any suspicion.
But this raised a new issue. At the time, my
husband and I were living in a tiny house behind
my grandma, and it didn't have its own washing machine.
I would take my laundry to my parents next door
(48:47):
and use theirs. My dad worked from home and always
checked to make sure it was me bringing laundry and
not some random breaking in through the garage door. Our
sheets are white, and despite my best efforts, they still
looked like they were found at the bottom of a
horder's house. I wrapped up the reeking sheets and the
tight wad and ran to my parents' house as fast
as I could. I hoped if I threw them in
(49:07):
quick enough, my dad wouldn't see me in time. This
plan worked, and I started the washer just as my
dad came in to say good morning. I leaned over
the washer as we talked for a while, hoping you
wouldn't look into the drum. Just as I was leaving,
my dad sniffed and said, smells like.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Crap in here. Oops.
Speaker 2 (49:27):
I shrugged and said maybe they can't roll around some
and shut the door. As for those sheets, well, lots
of stain and remover. They did wash out fine. However,
it killed my libido. Knowing my husband wanted to make
sweet love or I'd want shit all over the bed.
I couldn't do doggy and look down at them. Knowing
what I had done to those sheets. I threw them
(49:50):
away a few days later. My husband luckily never asked
me to swallow again, and I ain't offering. No shame
to the ladies who can't swallow, I'm sorry. No shame
to ladies who can swallow. They have stronger stomachs than me,
I guess, and kind of fucking poisonous. Come and your
husband injecked you with this?
Speaker 1 (50:08):
Shit was fucking expired. Yeah, he was holding in that
nut for a while past the expression date this cl
there's a seven eleven. Come the roller dog. Come dude,
Oh do that? I'll suck you up right there. Hell yeah.
(50:30):
In twenty eighteen, I dated a complete psychopath. First couple
of months were honestly great. She was cute, sweet, and
fucked like a demon. Some things were great. It typically
was crazy, will typically do. That's why you put up
with them for so long. Then it went sour fast.
She would snap me over the most trivial things and
treat me like shit. But worst of all, the sex
completely stopped. Oh hell yeah, man, that's the one good
(50:52):
thing they got that wasn't miserable. Yet.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
I stuck around, mostly because I felt bad for her
since she had so many medical issues and trauma from
past relationships.
Speaker 1 (51:01):
That's a say with a woman exactly. I wanted to
prove that I was different. During this time, her roommate
and I grew close. She was funny, had similar interests me,
and treated me with respect. Feelings began to blossom. I
tried to be a good boyfriend and push it out
of my mind. One night, she had a.
Speaker 2 (51:19):
Medical episode and had to go to the er. I'm
not gonna say that one saying.
Speaker 1 (51:26):
Never mind the entire the entire time, she was being
a nagging bitch, not just to me, but to the staff.
After the doctor. Ever, doctor rattled off her medical history
and whatnot. Things started to unravel. I found out she
lied about so much shit, which included having a hysterectomy okay,
and that the scars that she showed me were actually
(51:46):
from a hernia okay. And you guessed it. I was
blowing so many loads in her okay. I was so
hurt and betrayed, So I came to the decision that
in the morning I was breaking up her. We got
back to her apartment and her roommate wanted to know
what happened. My girlfriend had gone to bed, so I
(52:08):
caught Roomy up on everything, the lies, her being a
raging hag to me and completely stopped stoppage of hanky panky.
Then she began to tell me what my girlfriend was
saying behind my back. It was a mess. She comforted me,
telling me that I deserved better, and before I knew it,
we were kissing. She straddled me yeah, and we fucked
(52:30):
quietly while my girlfriend slept in the other room just
a few feet away. It was so hot, but I
still felt so guilty in the morning that I ended
up having sorry that I ended things with my girlfriend.
When I told her the reason for ending it was
all the lies and the mistrusts, all she said was,
you just want to fuck my roommate. Well, too late, bitch.
I already did roommate and I tried to date, but
(52:54):
things didn't work out. I'm now in a committed relationship
and happy as ever. Meanwhile, my ex, wu claimed to
have a hysterect to me, now has three kids from
three different fathers. The math, don't math do the crazy
ones they got the wet wet on them. You know,
this is like it's one of those things that I
kind of makes you believe if there's a fucking god,
(53:16):
you know, it's like it's like, I want to make
this one completely intolerable, but they're gonna have the best
fucking pussy. It's like they put all their fucking all
their statistic Like there's stats in pussy negative mental negative
mental illness character. You're building a.
Speaker 2 (53:34):
Character negative four constitution ten plus loyalty.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
Yeah, the ones with a lot of mental trauma or
they always.
Speaker 2 (53:46):
My wife and I are at the point in our
relationship where she just relents and just does I'm just like, hey,
let's do this, and she's like, what the fuck ever?
Speaker 1 (53:52):
Okay, Like she's.
Speaker 2 (53:55):
All right, I didn't know you liked applejacks like that.
I want you to put your I want you to
put your nipple in the middle of an apple jack?
Speaker 1 (54:04):
Fine, will you stop? Will you stop asking? If I
just let you do it? We I want you to
press your thighs together, kind of stick your ass out.
I don't want to eat cereal out of your fucking
crotch dip. All right, we'll try it now.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
I got you know, the doctor prescribed me t r
T and she I can't inject myself.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
I'm too stupid.
Speaker 2 (54:28):
So she has to inject mellude, and I don't know
what it is about her doing it, but it fucking
terrifies me, dude, really, and I shake like like a
poodle ship and razor blades.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
It don't even hurt. Though.
Speaker 2 (54:38):
When she's behind me and I hang my butt off
the bed, you.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
Can never take as from her is She's like, all right,
give me your hip. I'm like.
Speaker 2 (54:54):
My butt and she's like, You're like, you're up at
your butt, cheek, your hip. She's in the medical field.
She does injections all day, sure, and the first time
I did, I fucking pulled my pants on underwe her
all the way down to my ankles.
Speaker 1 (55:10):
I had my entire assay off the bed.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
And I'm like shaken. I'm like, is it ready? She's like,
I can see your balls.
Speaker 1 (55:21):
Don't inject them. Play it in there right there, that's
right what put it in my urethraw.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
So now every time she injects me, you.
Speaker 1 (55:38):
Gotta drop your pants. I completely expose my entire moth,
like my entire bottom door. So naturally you have to.
You have to make it seem like it wasn't a
problem with you. She's like, you don't have to.
Speaker 2 (55:50):
You don't have to take that much clothes off, Like,
I just want to make sure the helicopter has pull
it to your room to win to come in with
the hospital gown. Long time, grippy socks in hospital gown?
Speaker 1 (56:08):
What time with my lunch trip? Here talk? I'm ready.
How much time you think i'll have after this one?
Speaker 2 (56:20):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (56:20):
Fuck?
Speaker 2 (56:21):
Can I get She's gonna fucking shoot me up tonight dude?
Hell yeah, dude, I'm gonna getting naked.
Speaker 1 (56:25):
Dude. Just fuck just be there like fucking pose and ship.
It's all that.
Speaker 2 (56:31):
First night and she said I can't see her fucking balls.
Lucky you.
Speaker 1 (56:38):
Me my balls ragging out of the bag.
Speaker 3 (56:40):
Dude.
Speaker 1 (56:40):
They were so scared.
Speaker 2 (56:42):
They were trying to detach from her body. It's all
They're like, no, dude, I get scared too.
Speaker 1 (56:51):
I shake.
Speaker 2 (56:52):
I'm like, come on, and the last time, I'm like,
I want it completely ready. I want to come in
and I want it to be fat like I want to.
Speaker 1 (57:01):
Oh shit, Oh that's funny as fuck. I can see
your balls. Some people pay for this ship. You're welcome.
Oh shit.
Speaker 2 (57:14):
I was the one who flushed my panties in the
elementary school and clogged the toilet. I had diarrhea bad
and I didn't want to make it, and I didn't
make it in time. I'm sorry, mister Mario. I'm sure
that wasn't fun to deal with.
Speaker 1 (57:26):
Yo, I'll take the next one to go ahead.
Speaker 3 (57:36):
It's me who flushed at the panties. I founded the
poopy panties, Luigi, It's.
Speaker 1 (57:52):
So stupid, dude.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
Something January listening to Ship just mad as ship right
now pissed. If my janitor from elementary school knew everything
that I did, he would have me executed.
Speaker 1 (58:07):
He would meanized. Man.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
It was my junior year of high school. Me and
my future girlfriend just went on our first or second date.
It was already late, and on the drive home, we
decided and we want to fool around in the car
before I dropped her off. I pulled off to a
back road not far from her house, and we started
making out in the front seats until she suggested we
lay the back seats down. I had a super rus
so it could basically be used as a bed back there,
(58:32):
and that means you're a lesbian. This whole time, I
had been holding in a huge piss, so this was
my excuse. To get out and drain my bladder before
my drained my balls. About five seconds into my piss,
I started pushing hard to hurry up the process, and
with that warning, I felt a quarter sized piece of
shit hit my underwear.
Speaker 1 (58:51):
Quarter size. Dude, I have a shit, A quarter sized shit. Now,
that's how I know this is real.
Speaker 2 (58:57):
Yeah story, this was not intent, This is not the intenture.
For what felt like two minutes, I just kept pissing
but couldn't feel my body. When I was finally all
out of pea, I looked back to see where she
was see she was still sitting in the car using
the makeup mirror, and then quickly checked my underwear to
confirm that I had indeed ship myself.
Speaker 1 (59:20):
I took off my shoes.
Speaker 2 (59:21):
Then my pants, then my underwear, and started to wipe
my butt with my underwear before chucking them into a
nearby trees and getting dressed again. I got back into
the driver's seat and said something along the lines of
we probably shouldn't tempt ourselves by getting in the back.
We live in a small town in Utah, so I
played our Mormon beliefs. I then quickly drove her home
and dropped her off praying she couldn't smell anything. I
(59:43):
ended up dating her for about seven months after that,
so I don't think she knew and she never will.
Oh man, that's wild. One of the most inconveniencing things
that you can possibly go through as a human is
having a core sized nugget of shit slip out while
you're trying to do a hard pee. That's why I
don't push on a pee. Man.
Speaker 1 (01:00:03):
You can, man, you gotta let it come out. It's
gotta you gotta let drain. I feel like you you
can't get it all out if you're really pushing. Drain.
Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
It's like drain a cooler. Yeah, oh cool, cool cool coola. Yeah,
I absolutely agree. I'll whenever I do. You have really
really angry farts first thing in the morning when you
go to the bathroom typically, Yeah, it's just a lot
of your body being dormant for a while. And yeah,
you know, I think I'm gonna start recording my morning
ones for you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:29):
You should.
Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
That's a good document it just so you can tell
you like, Okay, that's a that's a seven.
Speaker 1 (01:00:34):
On the Richter scale. Yeah, that's a I can tell
you ate, you know, red and meat last night. That
sounds like mustard gas. Yeah, so like it smells awful.
Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
Think about how much money we could make if we
could learn how to send smells via attention.
Speaker 1 (01:00:46):
Dude. Yeah, that one smelled.
Speaker 2 (01:00:47):
That one sounded hot, like oh uh here's uh Nick,
Just Apple paid me twenty dollars and you open it.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
It's just like you just getting mustard gased. I do.
Speaker 2 (01:00:59):
That was a good one, man, even you earned that
twenty bucks?
Speaker 1 (01:01:01):
Ye, Apple, catch me twenty bucks and a fart air
drop sounds You're like, man, I want to burn my lips.
Airdrop fucking smells. I'm in. That's fucking dope, dude, be
on a plane just fucking air dropping strangers everybody. So
what the fuck? All right? I can't believe I'm doing this.
(01:01:26):
Only one living soul besides myself, knows about this, not
even my wife, because our marriage goes south. I don't
because if our marriage goes south, I don't know what
the statue of limitation on my crimes are, and I
ain't trying to find out. When I was a freshman
in high school, I played in a garage band. Our drummer,
we'll call him Dave, cymbals were cracked and needed replaced.
(01:01:48):
His best friend lived across the street and popped over
one day. We'll call him Tony. Tony was in middle school,
eighth grade. He informed us that he had swiped the
janitor's keys from the cleaning card as he was leaving
school and had had to plan to place our drummer symbols. Dude,
I have something very very similar to this that happened
to us, really very similar. Yeah. I was stupid enough
(01:02:10):
to volunteer to go with him. It was a short
walk to our junior high and I was nervous. I
was as nervous as I was stupid. When we got in.
It led us straight to the shop area where the
vending machine stock was kept, so we got some boxes
of candy bars. Next, next was the band room. We
got Dave's symbols. One last thing I had have was
on the third floor a.
Speaker 2 (01:02:31):
Court, a court jar of mercury. God Relax, fucking lex Lucre.
Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
Only ship dude.
Speaker 2 (01:02:39):
This is fucking all these guys are like, how need
new symbols? Why I want candy bars? I want the
fucking mercury. Mercury, Get me the fucking mercury.
Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
It's fucking crazy. We're committing a terrorist attack.
Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
A court jar mercury that I remember white, Great science classic,
your previous he remember this for a whole year.
Speaker 1 (01:03:08):
We left our swag downstairs, ran the three flights up
the stairs and scored it. Now the task of carrying
you all this the three blocks back to Dave's in
broad daylight with no suspicion. I don't remember, as I'm
in my mid fifties now exactly how we did it,
but we pulled it off. The keys were returned to
the cart Monday morning, so no one was the wise
(01:03:30):
of the No one was the wise of anything at first.
Then came the missing items front page of the local
school newspaper. It's this front page of the local newspaper.
School newspaper even made the news in two larger neighboring
cities five o'clock news. My parents were watching the investigation unfold.
(01:03:51):
People were questioned. We were not. When I heard the
cops were sniffing around to find the mercury, my dumb
ass dumped it under the shed where we had band practiced.
Tony died in a car crash at the age of
twenty two, So Dave and I are the only ones
who know. We still keep in touch via.
Speaker 2 (01:04:10):
Facebook as we live in different states, but we never
talk about it.
Speaker 1 (01:04:14):
There was no doubt.
Speaker 2 (01:04:16):
That corn of mercury still sitting on top soil today.
It never seemed to get absorbed through the dirt the
rest of my high school days.
Speaker 1 (01:04:25):
Dude, that's fucking wild. Just really wants to steal mercury
some Heisenberg shit. Man, Dude, that's crazy. Oh man, I.
Speaker 2 (01:04:33):
Went to Mercury's this one, mister Joe to Honey, to Honey,
that is your real name. Every now and then, when
my wife goes to work, she has her used underwear
laying around, and when I do on my off days,
I love to masturbate to her panties and smell it.
(01:04:56):
Then I sometimes keep in my pocket for later. I
don't know why, but I love to smell my wife's
panties when I get a chance.
Speaker 1 (01:05:02):
Okay, you don't want.
Speaker 2 (01:05:03):
This feels like a real unloaded and I have.
Speaker 1 (01:05:05):
Really that's wholesome, I feel, Joe to Honey, that's wholesome.
If you told your wife about this, I think she'd
be fucking turned on.
Speaker 2 (01:05:13):
Unless she got green panties like the girl from earlier
in the episode, then she might be embarrassed that you're
doing that.
Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
She got that fucking slimer in there across the streams. Oh, dude,
that's that's not that's not too bad. At least it's
not like your fucking your eighty year old neighbors panties
are stealing. That'd be fucking weird.
Speaker 2 (01:05:35):
At least at your wife. You just love your wife
that much, you just want to fucking jerk off to
when she's not there. Ye keeps up sneaking in here
stealing my panties, you nasty boy.
Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
Baby. I just love the wear. Your pussy stinks. I
like the way your drawers hang. I like the way
when I give you shots, you drop your underwear all
the way to your fucking eggs later. It's hanging far
enough off the bed. I asked her stuff like that.
I see your balls. I work for a large state park.
(01:06:10):
I have a co worker that I hate. When it's
his turn to clean the shower buildings and fault toilets,
I shit on as many floors as possible, usually two
to three per day for his entire seven day rotation. Dude,
it's fucking nuclear can ship three times a day on
a seven day rotation. That's yeah, that's I should three
(01:06:31):
times in one day I got I'm sick one solid
poop for like a week, dude.
Speaker 2 (01:06:35):
If I'm shipping three times a day, I got fucking
worms exactly.
Speaker 1 (01:06:40):
Oh my god. All right, here's the last one.
Speaker 2 (01:06:44):
When I was a kid, like five or six, my
brother and I were at a babysitter's house in which
they had turned their garage into a playroom for all
of us kids to play in. I need to blow
this up. This is way too small.
Speaker 1 (01:06:54):
Um, there you go.
Speaker 2 (01:06:56):
There was one kid, uh named Greg that con pissed
her shit in his pants daily, and myself and all
the other kids didn't like him, and we made.
Speaker 1 (01:07:04):
Fun of him, laugh out loud. Kids are assholes.
Speaker 2 (01:07:07):
One day, while running around and playing, I shit my pants,
just one solid ass log and it had made its
way down the pant leg and rested on my ankle. Shit.
Speaker 1 (01:07:20):
I was then able to.
Speaker 2 (01:07:21):
Casually shake it onto the floor and nobody noticed, so
of course I said nothing, and soon the babysitter, Donna,
had found out there was some shit on the floor
when other kids found it and told her and her
husband Spud Bud ain't.
Speaker 1 (01:07:36):
After a fucking potato it.
Speaker 2 (01:07:38):
Sud immediately went after Greg with all of this other
kids watching and laughing. They made him wear a pair
of diapers, further humiliating him in front of us kids.
I never said a word, and it was a perfect
crime because I don't know what the hell I'd eaten,
but that turb was solid and didn't leave a market
underwear or anything.
Speaker 1 (01:07:55):
Oh nice, that's a keeper of this day. No one
knows mu hell. Yeah, that loved me A good poop story.
Speaker 2 (01:08:04):
A lot of shitty confessions tonight.
Speaker 1 (01:08:06):
There's a lot of poop confessions and a lot of
underwear confessions.
Speaker 2 (01:08:09):
Yeah there. I think every single confession involved somebody's dirty underwear.
Speaker 1 (01:08:14):
Yeah, which I'm here for.
Speaker 2 (01:08:16):
That says more about you fucking sick bastards than it
does us.
Speaker 1 (01:08:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:08:22):
Do you have any confessions you want to divulge.
Speaker 1 (01:08:26):
Today?
Speaker 2 (01:08:26):
Is there anything you want to get off your chest?
Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
So going back to the one story about the guy's symbols,
we uh, okay, cool. We we performed a bear stock.
You know, some of my friends performed to bear Stock.
We were going to, but we didn't up going to
or we didn't up doing it. I had a really
shitty PA system in the band room's PA system was
(01:08:51):
way fucking better, okay, And I'm like, I want this, yeah,
and we devised a plan to go take it. Did
you replace it with you? I wasn't. Fun No, We're
just gonna take it. I wasn't. I saw. I wasn't
the complete four runner in this. There was a couple
of other people degenerates. I was a part of it.
And then two underclassmen tried to do the deed and
(01:09:15):
they end up getting caught. Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (01:09:18):
The other guys were like, you better not say anything.
We're not gonna be able to graduate. They didn't. They
got they got suspended three day break and that was
it in the story. Man was one of them, Tater no, okay,
he would do anything.
Speaker 1 (01:09:36):
One of them is no longer with us, yeah, nick yep.
And then the other one, Neil Dude, I forgot all
about it. I fucking love that guy. Man. Is he
still around?
Speaker 3 (01:09:49):
He is?
Speaker 1 (01:09:49):
He does, he's so he works uh something in with
the film industry. Cameraman they can in New York class
time I checked he.
Speaker 2 (01:09:56):
Lived in New really really liked him, man.
Speaker 1 (01:09:58):
He was always awesome.
Speaker 3 (01:09:59):
Man.
Speaker 1 (01:09:59):
I always loved that one of the very first bands
I was in.
Speaker 2 (01:10:01):
Neil was in on Facebook or anything.
Speaker 1 (01:10:03):
Yes, yeah, well I think so, he's on one of
the social media's if not both.
Speaker 2 (01:10:07):
Okay, great guy, man, he's got the same last name
as the Brothers, right like the.
Speaker 1 (01:10:13):
Begins with an e oh no, no, no, no, he's their cousin.
Though he's their cousin. Yeah, I got you.
Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
Yeah yeah, all right, guys, Well, that uh concludes your
confessions this episode. So maybe you would like to divulge
your confessions for the next one. Go to brohio podcast
dot com slash confessions interhim in there. All the good
ones are gonna make it. Hopefully you've got stuff besides
shitting yourself, And I think we've heard every single story
related shitting yourself humanly possible at this point.
Speaker 1 (01:10:41):
I mean, I feel like there's always extinuating circumstances amongst
shitting themselves. But so, I mean, if you've got a
good one, yeah, even if you don't, just fucking send it.
It's cool. The more stories that we get, the more
episodes we get to do. Yeah, we love it.
Speaker 2 (01:10:55):
So we'll be back with you guys on I think
we gotta we gotta get one out Monday, Monday.
Speaker 1 (01:11:00):
Yeah, I'm good Monday.
Speaker 2 (01:11:02):
Oh my god, that's embarrassing and I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (01:11:08):
Burp.
Speaker 2 (01:11:09):
Yeah, I don't like purple on the I don't like
purple on the podcast. I eat ice on the podcast,
used to until I took it away.
Speaker 1 (01:11:14):
I did last episode.
Speaker 2 (01:11:16):
I laid in bed that night, and she's like, how
is the podcast? I'm like, I can't give Robert ice anymore, dude.
Speaker 1 (01:11:23):
I can't fucking help it, man, I can't help it.
Speaker 2 (01:11:25):
It's like biting your fucking nails or tapping your foot. Dude,
it's like you.
Speaker 1 (01:11:29):
I just can't stop doing those things. Yeah, it's all right.
If I see a cup of ice, I'm gonna eat it.
Even if it's not your ice. I don't care. Yeah,
it doesn't matter. Yeah, if it was your rice, I'd
be fine with it. I mean, if it was like
someone that I didn't really know, I'm not gonna grab
your fucking cup and eat your ice.
Speaker 2 (01:11:42):
But what if you come up to me to eat
my ice and it wasn't ice, it was at my ass,
I'd eat it. Follow through, I guess see a plan
into completion. Love you guys, if you want to eat
Roberts ass and it's an email. Brohio Podcast at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 1 (01:11:59):
Send me a send me a d M if you
want to do that, see what we can work out.
Speaker 2 (01:12:03):
Work that out, do a vlog, making a vog out
of it.
Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
Oh ship. I love you guys. Texas is coming up.
Buy your tickets all back to Texas.
Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
It's been a while since you been around making vision axis.
Speaker 1 (01:12:25):
There's nothing wrong with them. Hi bowling for soup? Okay,
I was wondering what that was. I love soup by Cowder.
Speaker 2 (01:12:54):
I want to see you but but but but but
but but but but but but but but but but
but but but but but but but but but but
(01:13:14):
but but but but but but but but but but
but but but but but but but but but but
but but but but but but but but but but
but but but but but but but but but but
(01:13:36):
but but