September 25, 2025 • 45 mins
. Can unresolved issues silently destroy love? Maurice and Kafi share their vulnerabilities, discuss how daily annoyances can escalate, and stress the importance of self-awareness and communication to protect your relationship.
Connect with Maurice and Kafi
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Connect with Maurice and Kafi
Subscribe to the Podcast
Support the Podcast
Connect with Maurice and Kafi
- Be a guest by joining PodMatch: https://bit.ly/joinpodmatchnofruitpodcast
- Business Email: mchism@chismgroup.net
- Business Address: PO Box 460, Secane, PA 19018
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- Youtube: https://youtube.com/@nofruitpodcast
Support the Podcast
- Purchase our apparel https://bit.ly/nofruitpodcastapparel
- Purchase “Well Why Not Workbook”: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
- Register for a course: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
- Get FREE digital books: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
Connect with Maurice and Kafi
- Be a guest by joining PodMatch: https://bit.ly/joinpodmatchnofruitpodcast
- Business Email: mchism@chismgroup.net
- Business Address: PO Box 460, Secane, PA 19018
Subscribe to the Podcast
- Instagram: https://instagram.com/nofruitpodcast
- Facebook: https://facebook.com/nofruitpodcast
- Youtube: https://youtube.com/@nofruitpodcast
Support the Podcast
- Purchase our apparel https://bit.ly/nofruitpodcastapparel
- Purchase “Well Why Not Workbook”: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
- Register for a course: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
- Get FREE digital books: https://accelerateyourimpact.co/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
On this episode today, we're gonna talk about how unresolved
issues could be the silent killer of love. Let's talk
about it.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Let's talk about love and move man the way of
God intend like Expearence be Shaw, God Spereansfort.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
So today we're gonna talk about unresolved issues that could
be the silent killer of love. And so we're going
to just cuck it off with this. While the intro
to the song or two to the podcast was playing,
I was sitting here, shaking my little shoulders or whatever
it was, thinking if I could really dance? Now, what
(01:01):
if cougha the way I was dancing? What if that
really irked her? And so excuse me? And that's something
could be really unresolved issue, right, it could be the
little things. Yes, so I think that I belong on
(01:25):
dancing on air, dance fee, whatever it might be. Meanwhile,
conf is like you can't dance yourself out of a
serial box mentality. So that can cause friction in the marriage.
Because I think that I'm great, she thinks that I'm
not so great and so and then because I think
(01:49):
I'm great, like yo, I'm killing and I'm killing and
killing it. She's like your little ego needs to, you know,
calm down a little bit, right. So, so how do
we in relationships deal with that? How do we deal
with those unresolved quiet issues, you know? And how does
(02:10):
that stop us in our in our of growing in
love and maturing in our relationships. What are your thoughts, Kyle?
How would you deal with that? The fact that I
think that I could dance and you think I can't.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
I mean, I think there are things that are great
for home, and then there's some things.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
That did y'all hear that there was a jab.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
You could have sew Maurice's face that we have to
start recording this video. Yeah, there's certain things that are
great for to be done at home, and there's some
things that you can share with the world and in
the world canciate it. You know, there there is a place,
(03:05):
a quiet place that you can call your own, and
sometimes that's where you can dance in those in that
that quiet alone place. And sometimes there's that same space
you can sing, you know, out loud, but you're all alone.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
In your quiet.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Why you keep laughing, and you do those things in
your quiet place, alone in your home, in your car,
where where the.
Speaker 4 (03:44):
World doesn't have to.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Just you asked a serious question.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
I'm trying to be serious, I am. I think there's
times that there's things you just do by yourself, like
you know that it's alone if it's not appealing and
pleasing to your spouse. So, for example, you don't like beans.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
You don't like peas, I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
There's very many things that are small and round or
that you like. So yeah, no, no, no chili with beans,
No soup with beans, no rice with peas, none of
those things. So I like chili with beans. So occasionally,
(04:39):
a few times a year, I will go to a store,
when I'm out with others, in a restaurant, I may
order chili with beans because I know, like, I'm not
going to make this at home, because it would be
pointless to make it and just have it for myself.
(04:59):
I guess I could, but I enjoy it when I'm
out and about example, when we were out traveling recently
and it was on the menu, I ordered it and
I enjoyed it, and I think you enjoyed watching me
enjoy it at that particular time.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Now, I don't know if you enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Later on, I don't recall.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
I think I was okay, it wasn't. I don't think
I had much much.
Speaker 4 (05:30):
I didn't. I didn't share.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
So I share that I enjoyed it, but I didn't
have any issues after it. I think I continued to
enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (05:39):
Yes, I don't think it had an advice.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I didn't have to enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Yeah, and I didn't have an adverse effect, you know,
to my enjoyment. But I think I think, you know,
for those things that you know are the the pet
peeves of your spouse, you got to work on some
of them, and in other things, you just you find
(06:05):
a way not to do them or not to do
them around that person.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
That's my thoughts. What are your thoughts.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
If I, you know, it was in the same situation
of dancing and you just thought as though, girl.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So I believe that there are some things that I
will encourage because I'm silly like that. You know, I
can be silly like that. So I understand that, Hey,
you know what, there are some things that just deserves
the nervous energy outlet, right, I understand that part. But
(06:49):
then there are some things, as you stated, that are
strictly for the home setting, and it might even be
just a home setting. It might be a situation where
because you said closet or a room or something whatever
you said where whatever it might be where you're isolated.
I was thinking garage, I'm thinking about the back shed.
(07:12):
I'm thinking about a tree that's you know, one hundred
yards away that nobody else can see you. Sometimes you
just gotta thought the.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Tree in the outside. But I was just like, you
know that somebody might drive by or walk.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
No, no, no, one hundred yards away where you got
really really big yard, thirty acres something like that, you know,
where nobody else can see you where you know, actually, no,
let's revise that, because you might have the opportunity of
getting struck by lightning. So I don't want that. But
you just hear your odds. But but I think that
(07:49):
there are times where it's called, you know, call for it,
for you to do those type of things. Yes, Now,
how it could be an unresolved issue you is that,
as you're stating, if it's constantly happening, right, and if
it's and here's a thing, it might feel cute in
(08:13):
the beginning of the relationship, like oh, look at that
little nervous twitch or whatever. Right, you get what I mean? Like,
you know, it might be something along those lines.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
You when you laugh, like that might be cute when
you do it once, but then but.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Do it again and again. Oh wow, you did it
in front of these people. Oh are you serious? Here's
a thing. I already have an attitude, and I feel
like you're putting on in front of these people. Like
I could tell you're being fake, but you get the fake.
(08:51):
You used to say that I had a fake laugh.
I have a real laugh, and then I have a
you know, hey, I'm just here for the moment, correct,
you know? And so and that used to get on
your nerves, they used to. And so, so the reality
(09:12):
is or and or you feel like, hey, you know,
because of whatever we got going on in our lives,
I don't get the real something that you said to me, Marie,
you don't give me the real laugh. I don't feel
like you know you're giving me who you really are.
Because of whatever is going on, you never know what
(09:33):
the situation is, and so that can become another unresolved
issue that could be as you're stating, if I'm not
getting all of you is that making you fall back
and fall back.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
To So just for clarification, So you know, as we
know with life, there's code switching, there's you know, you
have your on and off switch. So I may walk
in from the market from work, from whatever outdoor activity
I was, you know, doing singing and dancing in the
(10:07):
you know, near a tree, as Maurice just said, whatever
it was, I'll come in the house and Mariese is
on the phone and he's busting it up and he's
laughing and you know, you know, just giving one hundred
percent on the phone, or it seems as though and
then you know, laughing seems you know, just jolly all
those great things belly laughs out. I mean you can
(10:29):
hear him laughing from outside, like it's just whatever. Then
he gets off the phone a few minutes after I
get in, and the whole atmosphere, the tone, everything just flips.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
So I'm just like, well, what happened, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Or so those are some of the things I think
that I was just like, well, I don't get the
fool you or if if if we are talking and
we're laughing about something again, like I said, that was
not the laugh that would come out. So you know,
the laugh that you had with me, whether we're looking
at a movie, whether we're talking about something, was a
(11:09):
different laugh than that other laugh.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Oh no, and I understand. But again it goes back
and forth, right, it goes hand in hand with both
parties in my opinion, and sometimes we don't understand that
the thing that we may not like is the thing
that we're doing as well. You know. Now here's the
(11:37):
challenge with this because we're talking about unresolved issues. Sometimes
with these unresolved issues and we're doing this tip for
tax situation, we're hurting ourselves. And on top of that,
maybe we're aware. I only can speak for myself because
(11:57):
of what confor might have had challenge with. Now I'm
aware of what is going on. What am I trying
to change, you know, in my relationships birth, both internally
and externally. And now am I building up acquiet resentment
(12:17):
towards her because now I'm not enjoying myself. Now I'm
cutting myself off. You know. Now did that happen to
our reality? It did to a degree. But then it's
also like, all right, Maurice, So if this is your
partner in life. Why aren't you doing? Why aren't you being?
(12:37):
Why are you you know? Whatever? And I think some
of it is again some of the things that we
had going on. We had a lot of stuff going
on for a long long time and not being able
to cut off or separate. All Right, if we're sitting
(13:01):
here talking about this bill again, y'all know that we've
followed for bankruptcy or whatever has been. So this bill
or this utility is about to get cut off. But
now we're sitting here and we're trying to get through
it by laughing, having a genuine conversation. Whatever it is.
(13:22):
How much of that bill or the issues with that
bill is still manifesting itself in that conversation. And so
sometimes I know for myself, it hasn't always been the
easiest to transition from one thought to another and being
(13:43):
genuine and present in that moment. That's been one of
my challenges, you know. So it's confidence talking about, Hey,
I'm laughing and joking with somebody, that's because they're crazy,
and I don't I can kind of get away from
this utility being cut off. Then I'm talking to Kafa,
(14:07):
We're having a real conversation about the utility, and you know,
she's like, well, you know, you're talking to such and
such and you were laughing about him, Like yeah, And
I can't re visit the conversation in the same manner
because I'm more worried about the bill still, you know, So,
(14:27):
so I can't retell it, I can't relive it. It's
almost like, well, you got to be there. But then
that also causes issues too because it's not again, it's
not the same. So I think the challenge is these
moments being unresolved can build up to be something greater
(14:53):
because there are some things that and just based off
of again our own experiences, there are some things that
didn't happen, some conversations that did not happen until we
were in year twenty one, twenty two, even twenty four.
And so the reality is is that there are certain
(15:18):
situations and times where that stuff just finally comes up.
It's not Hey, you know that you can always resolve
the issue at that moment. Maybe you can't find a
real time or place. You gotta wait for that door
to open up. Yeah, I also have to wait for
not only for that person that you're talking to being
(15:39):
able to be mature enough to handle it. But what
about yourself being mature enough? And I know for myself,
I have always been in that position, you know, So
so I understand that, hey, it can be or it
could feel like it could be unresolved, but I think
that it can be resolved, understanding that I need to
(16:02):
be mature enough to handle the end result. Because I mean,
I always like the way you answer cough. I mean
I always like the body language because again everything's not verbal.
It's also you know, physical being a body language or
whatever it is. I also think about oh wow at
the time. So for an example, if I say the
kafa again, you know, I'm saying to her or suggesting
(16:27):
to do X, Y and z. And what if it's
that time of month or her attitude. She's already her right, yeah,
she's already read a you know. You know, so the
way she she'll look at me, they be like, dude,
please in all reality, you know, And so you got
(16:50):
to think about that as well. Hey, you know what, Maurice,
I need you to be more whatever, Kyle, you do understand,
like my allergies are bothering the crap out of me,
you know, So sometimes timing hurts as.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
Well, exactly. You know, I think.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
You know what you're saying it. You know, it's true.
It hits home that there's a lot of variables in
this thing on what causes issues in the relationship. You know,
(17:31):
sometimes it's not just the issue itself, as you're saying.
It could be the body language. It could be the
time of the month. It could be the rising of
the sun. It could be the full moon. You know,
it could be whatever else that is a factor towards
the individual, towards the couple, towards the family unit. All
(17:54):
of those things, you know, attack or eat at or
whatever can break things down and be an attributing factor
to a silent killer towards family, towards the love, towards
(18:14):
the relationship, or whatever. I don't know reality where we
would be if we hadn't started talking to each other more,
if we didn't start dating each other again again. In dating,
you're collecting data, you're talking, you're asking questions, you're seeing
(18:38):
each other differently. Yes, we dated prior to marriage. We
dated a little bit I think when we first got married.
But once, and we talk about this all the time
on the show, that once we became parents and we
became parents. You know, I think we were no longer dating.
We didn't have We had a few date nights, but
(19:00):
the reality is that I think even with our date nights,
they weren't date nights. It was a lot of times
because you were in a fraternity and they were doing
something and you wanted to be present and the kids
couldn't be there, so we got a sitter.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Mostly times it was our parents.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
I don't think we even had We never had a
sitter that wasn't a parent so or a family member.
I guess a few times they went with an aunt,
So you know, we didn't We didn't have those date nights.
So looking back hindsight, you know what I suggest to
(19:41):
others to implement date nights, and I hear other people
who say, you know, every month we have a date night,
and and they have different ways to come up with
those ideas. And that's what's you know, seems to be
strong and has kept their family together and kept them
their marriage together. We had family date nights, We had
(20:02):
lots of those, but Maurice and I didn't have a
lot of.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
Just he and I.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Getting to be connected and hey, what's going on with you,
how do you feel about the week, what do you
think of you know, what's how is what's going on
with the kids impacting you? We would have family meetings,
but in reference to dealing with some of the issues
(20:29):
that you know have kind of come in and or
those issues that don't get resolved, and there's going to
be issues that are not going to be resolved, and
hopefully you know, we don't wait until.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
It becomes more than an issue.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I think the the date night allows a level of
or you have to be in a level of non control,
a level of being relaxed and comfortable. And I think
(21:13):
sometimes as we've been going through some of our challenges, Kyle,
that I haven't always been able to do that effectively, efficiently,
whatever it might have been. And then that's number one.
Number two would be and especially early on when because
(21:36):
again we didn't have those type of conversations about our
financial awareness like we do now for us to sit
down and say, all right, let's go have a date, Well,
it costs money, and so how are we going to
deal with this situation? If we already having a money issue?
How were we going to have a date. But the other
(22:00):
part of that is can you really really make a
date out of anything? Can you be creative enough? And so?
And how long does a date like? What does it
(22:20):
have to look like? What does it have to be like?
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Like?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
If there's a like you hear a lot of people
right now they talk about, Hey, you know, I want
to go on a date, but a date hasn't consistent
me going shopping? Well, is that really a date? Or
you know what is that? I mean, I'm not going
to tell anybody what their definitions really are, you know,
but can you really find out how that person ticks?
(22:45):
If you're shopping right, can you really find that out?
Can you find out what they're because again, if am
I feeding the ego? Am I feeding whatever? Sometimes sitting
down in a park having a real heart to heart conversation,
yes it could feel romantic, but if you take away
everything else is just mono E mono? Are you allowed to?
(23:11):
Can you give yourself enough space to be who you
are in that place? And that's not easy because the
reason why a lot of us haven't dealt with ourselves yet.
We don't know ourselves yet, and we're not comfortable one
with ourselves. Number two, if we're going through a fight,
Am I comfortable with you? So that's the other part
(23:34):
of that. So and there have been moments where, even
in our family meetings, I might say real quick like, hey,
things ain't right right now, things ain't going on, So
it would kind of lessen some of that for myself.
I don't know what KAFA might have been. Again, we're
talking about these quiet, solid issues, unresolved issues now k
(23:58):
with chin in or whatever, which might spark conversations later
on between the two of us. But you know, if
our challenges have been financial, going on a date, even
though it sounds like a great idea, it wasn't always
(24:21):
the answer for me because of we just talked about it.
What does that look like? What does that feel like?
You know, not understanding sometimes it's just a matter of
being in the presence of the other person right and
making sure that that other person is being heard and
(24:43):
cared for, protected whatever it is. Because I think, yes, yes,
we understand that there are some ideas of gender roles
or whatever it is, but it still goes both ways.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
Definitely, definitely, Like you said, you know, a lot of
sometimes issues not even with the other person, the unresolved
issues within yourself.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
HM.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
I agree, you know, so who do you? Who do
you think you are?
Speaker 3 (25:13):
Type of thing to you know, your parent, you to
say like, who do you even think you are? You know,
so being resolved in that and understanding who you think
you are as a person, Who do you think you
are as a spouse and how are you playing that role?
(25:34):
And is that resolved? And is that concrete? And is
that real for you? And how are you playing that
out on a day to day basis?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
But see, I think some of the the who do
you think you are? Is such a a wall if
if so, if you and now are having a disagreement
(26:07):
one way or another and you say something and I say, well,
who do you think you are? That's such a defense
to me, in my opinion, and anybody who says it,
your feelings are.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Hurt right, And I wasn't saying that you would say
it to I'm saying that it's an internal thing. Like
I said, I started with it a lot of times.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
It is.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Well, well, and I hear you, But again, who do
you think you are to tell me how I should feel?
Who do you think you are? To tell me what's
going on? Because I don't even know who I am
in that situation. You get what I mean. So I
think that that's why I say I think that's a
wall or a problem, because sometimes people have this again,
(27:01):
this idea of fixation of who they think they are
in that situation, and then for you to question me,
excuse mean, for you to question me in that situation,
I got a whole problem in all honesty, I mean,
and I just look at it from again my own
family situation. Sometimes they don't like, well, Maras, who do
you think you are? Well, evidently you don't know who
(27:23):
you are in that situation. I e. While we don't
bang you ge know what I mean? Like, while we're
not cool whatever you know, whatever is going on, you
feel uncomfortable because I question your real thoughts or your
position in that in that space, and you don't like
to be questioned whatever it might be, not you personally,
I'm talking about other people you know. So, and that's
(27:46):
because you have no idea of who you really are
in that spot. As you're per you're what you're saying right,
because what side offense am I on? Sometimes we don't
know what side offense we're on. Sometimes we don't know
what what we truly believe or don't believe because we
(28:08):
are so or have been so conditioned, whether it's been
by our family, by our community, by society, to think
and feel a certain way without being or understanding our
individuality in that position. So why do I like vanilla
(28:28):
ice cream? Is it because that's what my mom bought
the most? Or is it because that is something that's
just basic? And I just you know, it's easy to
manage just having vanilla ice cream than any other ice
cream because maybe I'm not in the mood for other stuff.
I understand what's my real position in that space. Sometimes
we don't take the time to understand that part. Where
(28:51):
are the other influences that we have? That doesn't mean
I won't try something else, but.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Or that you don't like other things? Is just saying, hey,
vanilla is my favorite. It's my go to, but.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
It's go to because of it is it's not my favorite.
It might be just my go to because it'll go
with everything else that we have going on. So right now,
we go upstairs and you decide to bake cookies, right
and I mean, so we have so Coppee has cookies
that she could bake, or I have some lemon oreo cookies, right,
(29:28):
So if I got vanilla ice cream, even though the
vanilla doesn't sound right with the Oreo cookie necessarily the
lemon Oreo cookie. But I'm pretty sure there's people that
might like that because it's almost like a shirt. Surbert
also the people what kind of ice cream you have
to But but I'm pretty sure that it could go together.
(29:50):
If you have vanilla ice cream, Could it go with chocolate? Possibly? Again,
it all depends on your taste, buzz and what people
you like. Could it go with strawberry? Now the question
is could it go with any of the other stuff
like a pistachio mint, choker chip, Rocky Road, you know,
(30:13):
all the ones that got all these extra extra extra
flavors in it? Does it does the Does the lemon
cookie sound right? It might not sound right, It could
taste right though, you know, odd things work, you get
what I mean? But yeah, so I think those are
the things where Kyle per your per your statement. Do
we even know who we are in that moment? Especially
(30:37):
if someone asks us? Ask us? You know, because again
sometimes when you say stuff out loud, it might be
to that individual, but you might be really asking yourself too.
Are your ears open? Up to say, hey, do I
even know who I am in that spot?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I mean, so to get to what you hit sit
from the very beginning at the top of the show,
a reference to unresolved issues as you were dancing to
the theme song the intro. You know, if I had
an issue with that, if I had an unresolved issue
with that, that has nothing to do with you. That's
(31:14):
for me to get over myself and my unresolved issue.
I can bring it up to you, you know, because
a lot of things like well, I don't like when.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
You do that.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
So we talked about, hey, well you can do that
out in the middle of your thirty acres, you can
do that in your car, you can whatever. But no,
the problem is that I have an issue with you
expressing yourself through dance because I don't think you can
do it very well, you know what I mean, Or
(31:43):
the fact that you didn't ask me to dance with you.
You know, now I have an issue and I'm pursuing
and I'm pushing that issue onto you, and now my
issue becomes I'm making it your issue, and now I
have a different viewpoint of you because you know I
(32:04):
have I have an unresolved I have an unresolved issue
that oh, well, you dancing and whatever. I'm not. You
didn't ask me to dance, you know, I don't even
like the way you dance, you know, type of thing,
and you.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Don't you don't like the way I dance because you,
like you just stated you're not dancing with me. I
didn't invite you to the party. Well, you don't understand
my mental party at the moment. I'm just you know, again,
we're just using this as an example, y'all. Right now,
I'm just dancing because we have some stuff coming, you know,
coming up, and that was in my brain and I
(32:39):
can see myself dancing at those moments. We have some
trips coming and whatever it is. So yeah, I'm excited,
you know. So yeah. So so I think those are
things that we need to understand that some of our
unresolved issues, like as you stayed in, canfe more internal
(32:59):
and the only could be resolve of we have a
conversation about.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
It, right But like you're saying, had that conversation about
it with ourselves first, you know, like why is this
an issue?
Speaker 4 (33:11):
You know, is it really really an issue?
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Like is the dancing issue the fact that you're dancing,
you know, is it the fact the type of dance
you're doing, like you said, Hey, you're shaking.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Your shoulders, you know?
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Was it that when you know what, if you was
doing a two step would've been easier with it?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
You know?
Speaker 4 (33:28):
Is it because hey, I think we should be serious?
Speaker 3 (33:32):
Hey?
Speaker 4 (33:32):
Is it because you didn't ask me to dance?
Speaker 3 (33:34):
You know? Like there's all those things. So first I
think doing that, you know, internal evaluation of what the
heck really is going on? You know, what's wrong with
you type thing? So, and then sharing with your partner that, hey,
you know when you did that, I kind of felt
some kind of way.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
I think it was because of this.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Uh you know, it didn't have anything at all to
do with you, or maybe it did, you know, And
I'm going to explain to you, you know, or we
can work it out together.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
So how do we really address it.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
As the thing?
Speaker 3 (34:12):
As I just said, I think we communicated with that person.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
But how do we And I guess the reason I'm
kind of going back to that because if everyone is
not going to want to speak, right, everyone is not
going to address it, especially when it happens, yes, right.
Speaker 4 (34:34):
You know, all right?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
And if you're going to do that self evaluation real quick.
You know, it may not happen right away. You may
need to take that time away. Do we evaluate and
then come back. No, I wouldn't say wait a month
and be like, you know, type of a thing or
maybe it you know, you hold it until it happens again.
(35:00):
Oh yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.
You know, I've done a little dig digging and this
is what I'm feeling. And when you did that before,
it brought up these feelings and this is why I
think it brought those feelings up. And I think being
coming to it in that regard can be open and
(35:21):
hopefully that person will be more receptive in it or
they you know. Again, there's all different types of relationships
and maybe they're not you know, so.
Speaker 4 (35:32):
I'm not quite sure. What about yourself? What do you think?
How you think it should be handled?
Speaker 1 (35:37):
I think that it's challenging because one some people like
to handle things head on, and there's some people that's
kind of like, well, I don't know or whatever. And
I think when it comes down to it, for both positions,
(36:00):
just being okay enough because sometimes the people that want
to hit, you know, strike stuff head on, are still
not necessarily figuring it through because they might jumping, might
be jumping all the way into it. So I think
you're right that maybe taking a moment and evaluating the
situation and then coming back and that does not mean
(36:27):
evaluating it for the next three days. That doesn't mean
that it might mean the next three minutes, because take
the moment to calm down right and and take and
look at the whole picture. Because you know, you hear, hey,
(36:52):
I'm dealing with my truth and I don't care who's around,
what's around whatever, But there's a time and place for everything.
You don't what embarrassed body or yourself. Well, you know,
some people have no shame.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Right, So there's a lot of times at that point
you say so much and you can't pull back right right.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Right, you know. So so I would say, you know,
analyze the situation, analyze the environment. Is it really the
right time or place to say something? And then go
from there, you know, but also understand that if you
say it in a certain manner, be ready to deal
with the consequences, because some people will also say, well,
(37:33):
I don't care, I'm going to say what I got
to say. They could take it however I want them to.
But then that means you got to deal with the
way they take it, you know, the way they take it.
So now have you lost a friend of fifty years?
You know so, and now three or four months from now,
(37:55):
when you're sitting around and you're like, wow, this person,
we don't go to lunch together anymore. Wow, you know,
we don't go out and have a drink anymore. Oh wow,
they canceled the trip that we were supposed to go on,
or we had to cancel the trip because you know,
we're not speaking anymore, you know, so understand what, you
(38:18):
know what the backlash can be. Oh wow, you know what,
we don't my lunch buddy at work. They're no longer
around because now guess what because of that situation, like
as you just stated, which I didn't consider about the
embarrassment part, but you know, if you're embarrassed, you're like, yo,
I ain't gotta work here no more. I'm out. And
(38:42):
you know what, you might've been the only reason why
they stayed because hey, I got a friend here or
whatever it is, and now you're gonna shut it down. Well,
you know what, I'm gonna go over here. Then you
find out that person is flass and everything else at
the new job. You know, now you're like, what about me? Yes, well,
if you would have kept your mouth quiet and thought
(39:03):
for a second instead of lashing out, maybe things could
be a little bit different. And understand the long term effect.
That doesn't mean to to quiet that voice for you
to not have peace or whatever it is once you speak,
(39:27):
but just understand what that what that could look like
long term. And so imagine what it is now that
you have this life partner that you really would like
to be with for for your life, on the rest
of your life. What is it that you're doing? You know,
how do you respond? Do you really understand the value
(39:48):
that they bring to the table? So is it worth
you speaking your truth risk losing everything for that one moment?
You can feel justified in it at that time, but
again five years from now when you be like, dang,
(40:12):
this is our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Oh wow, the kids
are having a birthday party. Should I go? Should I
not go? You give it me, like, you know, it's
so many other factors that I hear people kind of contemplate,
you know, especially when their kids are getting older and
the kids are having milestones or whatever it is, it's
(40:33):
like should I go? Should I not go? And then
you get or you're in a position where it's like
I'm watching them flourish in another relationship. I mean, we
got family members just like that, you know, where they
might have separated and then they see their kids parent
the other parent in another relationship, They're like, oh, wow,
(40:54):
well what about me? What happened? How come I can't
find well? How come I can't do well? If you
would have not blown up, it might be a different spot,
you know. So yeah, so I think those are the
type of things that we need to understand as confide
as you're talking about also these moments of not being
(41:16):
embarrassed and we're talking about you know, talking about things
being unresolved or whatever it is. You know, sometimes we
have to understand why we're in that position and why
it's important for us to understand who we are and
what we are in that place, and why we need
(41:39):
to take a moment to analyze what are are our thoughts,
our morals, our values while we're looking at these places
and jobs or whatever it is. So there's a tool
that I have currently called the well white not work
book that can help you with some of these things
to grow into mature within your relationship, within your yourself,
(42:08):
relationship with yourself first, and then it helps you work
through some of your pain points, because that's the other
part too. We don't always understand when we say, hey,
who do you think you're talking to? That's a pain point.
And so again because we're hurt, we don't we don't
have an answer to that, and so we have to
(42:29):
now understand why we are feeling this way towards the situation.
And this book that I you know I have authored, well,
why not the work book? You can find it now Amazon.
If you're having challenge with finding it, just type of
my name Maurice D. Chisholm and the D stands for
(42:53):
determined to help you get to a better life. So
you can find it now on Amazon, you know, dot com.
If not, go to my website Maurice Chisholm dot com
and the link is right there on the homepage.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
Know that information is in the show notes for you all. Yes,
so you can certainly be able to click right away
and get that so that you can work through some
of the unresolved issues that you have and become better people,
become a better person for yourself and for your relationship
(43:29):
so that you're not killing their love, so you're not
killing your marriage, so you're not killing yourself. Yeah. I
think it's you know, really really important to do that,
that deep dive and learn more about yourself. So, like
Marie said, that's it's a great tool you know, to
use along the way. So don't don't be afraid to
(43:50):
uh click on that link at the bottom there of
the show notes and check it out and see a
little bit about it. If you have questions, you can
certainly email Marie right about whatever questions you have and
he'll be able to respond.
Speaker 4 (44:06):
To you in reference to that.
Speaker 1 (44:07):
And so you can hit us up on No Fruitpodcast
at gmail dot com and not just myself, but Kaplica
answer as well, because she's she's very well versed.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
In life, been here for a long time, you know.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
So.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
But we thank y'all very much for listening to us today.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
Yes, thanks so much for listening, and we hope that
this has been a help for you. If it has,
please again send us a note, make a comment. We'll
be glad to listen and read about it.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Yeah, we'll talk to you a little bit later.
Speaker 4 (44:40):
Bye pease.
Speaker 5 (44:42):
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of a No
Fruit podcast, where we bring you fruitful conversations, ripe in
wisdom and love that's deeply rooted. If you enjoyed this episode,
don't forget to subscribe, leave us a review, and share
it with someone who could.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Use a little inspiration in their death.
Speaker 5 (44:56):
Until next time, stay rooted in love, and remember every
seed you plant today shapes the fruit of tomorro
On this episode today, we're gonna talk about how unresolved
issues could be the silent killer of love. Let's talk
about it.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Let's talk about love and move man the way of
God intend like Expearence be Shaw, God Spereansfort.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
So today we're gonna talk about unresolved issues that could
be the silent killer of love. And so we're going
to just cuck it off with this. While the intro
to the song or two to the podcast was playing,
I was sitting here, shaking my little shoulders or whatever
it was, thinking if I could really dance? Now, what
(01:01):
if cougha the way I was dancing? What if that
really irked her? And so excuse me? And that's something
could be really unresolved issue, right, it could be the
little things. Yes, so I think that I belong on
(01:25):
dancing on air, dance fee, whatever it might be. Meanwhile,
conf is like you can't dance yourself out of a
serial box mentality. So that can cause friction in the marriage.
Because I think that I'm great, she thinks that I'm
not so great and so and then because I think
(01:49):
I'm great, like yo, I'm killing and I'm killing and
killing it. She's like your little ego needs to, you know,
calm down a little bit, right. So, so how do
we in relationships deal with that? How do we deal
with those unresolved quiet issues, you know? And how does
(02:10):
that stop us in our in our of growing in
love and maturing in our relationships. What are your thoughts, Kyle?
How would you deal with that? The fact that I
think that I could dance and you think I can't.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
I mean, I think there are things that are great
for home, and then there's some things.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
That did y'all hear that there was a jab.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
You could have sew Maurice's face that we have to
start recording this video. Yeah, there's certain things that are
great for to be done at home, and there's some
things that you can share with the world and in
the world canciate it. You know, there there is a place,
(03:05):
a quiet place that you can call your own, and
sometimes that's where you can dance in those in that
that quiet alone place. And sometimes there's that same space
you can sing, you know, out loud, but you're all alone.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
In your quiet.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Why you keep laughing, and you do those things in
your quiet place, alone in your home, in your car,
where where the.
Speaker 4 (03:44):
World doesn't have to.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Just you asked a serious question.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
I'm trying to be serious, I am. I think there's
times that there's things you just do by yourself, like
you know that it's alone if it's not appealing and
pleasing to your spouse. So, for example, you don't like beans.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
You don't like peas, I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
There's very many things that are small and round or
that you like. So yeah, no, no, no chili with beans,
No soup with beans, no rice with peas, none of
those things. So I like chili with beans. So occasionally,
(04:39):
a few times a year, I will go to a store,
when I'm out with others, in a restaurant, I may
order chili with beans because I know, like, I'm not
going to make this at home, because it would be
pointless to make it and just have it for myself.
(04:59):
I guess I could, but I enjoy it when I'm
out and about example, when we were out traveling recently
and it was on the menu, I ordered it and
I enjoyed it, and I think you enjoyed watching me
enjoy it at that particular time.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Now, I don't know if you enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Later on, I don't recall.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
I think I was okay, it wasn't. I don't think
I had much much.
Speaker 4 (05:30):
I didn't. I didn't share.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
So I share that I enjoyed it, but I didn't
have any issues after it. I think I continued to
enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (05:39):
Yes, I don't think it had an advice.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I didn't have to enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Yeah, and I didn't have an adverse effect, you know,
to my enjoyment. But I think I think, you know,
for those things that you know are the the pet
peeves of your spouse, you got to work on some
of them, and in other things, you just you find
(06:05):
a way not to do them or not to do
them around that person.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
That's my thoughts. What are your thoughts.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
If I, you know, it was in the same situation
of dancing and you just thought as though, girl.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So I believe that there are some things that I
will encourage because I'm silly like that. You know, I
can be silly like that. So I understand that, Hey,
you know what, there are some things that just deserves
the nervous energy outlet, right, I understand that part. But
(06:49):
then there are some things, as you stated, that are
strictly for the home setting, and it might even be
just a home setting. It might be a situation where
because you said closet or a room or something whatever
you said where whatever it might be where you're isolated.
I was thinking garage, I'm thinking about the back shed.
(07:12):
I'm thinking about a tree that's you know, one hundred
yards away that nobody else can see you. Sometimes you
just gotta thought the.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Tree in the outside. But I was just like, you
know that somebody might drive by or walk.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
No, no, no, one hundred yards away where you got
really really big yard, thirty acres something like that, you know,
where nobody else can see you where you know, actually, no,
let's revise that, because you might have the opportunity of
getting struck by lightning. So I don't want that. But
you just hear your odds. But but I think that
(07:49):
there are times where it's called, you know, call for it,
for you to do those type of things. Yes, Now,
how it could be an unresolved issue you is that,
as you're stating, if it's constantly happening, right, and if
it's and here's a thing, it might feel cute in
(08:13):
the beginning of the relationship, like oh, look at that
little nervous twitch or whatever. Right, you get what I mean? Like,
you know, it might be something along those lines.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
You when you laugh, like that might be cute when
you do it once, but then but.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Do it again and again. Oh wow, you did it
in front of these people. Oh are you serious? Here's
a thing. I already have an attitude, and I feel
like you're putting on in front of these people. Like
I could tell you're being fake, but you get the fake.
(08:51):
You used to say that I had a fake laugh.
I have a real laugh, and then I have a
you know, hey, I'm just here for the moment, correct,
you know? And so and that used to get on
your nerves, they used to. And so, so the reality
(09:12):
is or and or you feel like, hey, you know,
because of whatever we got going on in our lives,
I don't get the real something that you said to me, Marie,
you don't give me the real laugh. I don't feel
like you know you're giving me who you really are.
Because of whatever is going on, you never know what
(09:33):
the situation is, and so that can become another unresolved
issue that could be as you're stating, if I'm not
getting all of you is that making you fall back
and fall back.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
To So just for clarification, So you know, as we
know with life, there's code switching, there's you know, you
have your on and off switch. So I may walk
in from the market from work, from whatever outdoor activity
I was, you know, doing singing and dancing in the
(10:07):
you know, near a tree, as Maurice just said, whatever
it was, I'll come in the house and Mariese is
on the phone and he's busting it up and he's
laughing and you know, you know, just giving one hundred
percent on the phone, or it seems as though and
then you know, laughing seems you know, just jolly all
those great things belly laughs out. I mean you can
(10:29):
hear him laughing from outside, like it's just whatever. Then
he gets off the phone a few minutes after I
get in, and the whole atmosphere, the tone, everything just flips.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
So I'm just like, well, what happened, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Or so those are some of the things I think
that I was just like, well, I don't get the
fool you or if if if we are talking and
we're laughing about something again, like I said, that was
not the laugh that would come out. So you know,
the laugh that you had with me, whether we're looking
at a movie, whether we're talking about something, was a
(11:09):
different laugh than that other laugh.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Oh no, and I understand. But again it goes back
and forth, right, it goes hand in hand with both
parties in my opinion, and sometimes we don't understand that
the thing that we may not like is the thing
that we're doing as well. You know. Now here's the
(11:37):
challenge with this because we're talking about unresolved issues. Sometimes
with these unresolved issues and we're doing this tip for
tax situation, we're hurting ourselves. And on top of that,
maybe we're aware. I only can speak for myself because
(11:57):
of what confor might have had challenge with. Now I'm
aware of what is going on. What am I trying
to change, you know, in my relationships birth, both internally
and externally. And now am I building up acquiet resentment
(12:17):
towards her because now I'm not enjoying myself. Now I'm
cutting myself off. You know. Now did that happen to
our reality? It did to a degree. But then it's
also like, all right, Maurice, So if this is your
partner in life. Why aren't you doing? Why aren't you being?
(12:37):
Why are you you know? Whatever? And I think some
of it is again some of the things that we
had going on. We had a lot of stuff going
on for a long long time and not being able
to cut off or separate. All Right, if we're sitting
(13:01):
here talking about this bill again, y'all know that we've
followed for bankruptcy or whatever has been. So this bill
or this utility is about to get cut off. But
now we're sitting here and we're trying to get through
it by laughing, having a genuine conversation. Whatever it is.
(13:22):
How much of that bill or the issues with that
bill is still manifesting itself in that conversation. And so
sometimes I know for myself, it hasn't always been the
easiest to transition from one thought to another and being
(13:43):
genuine and present in that moment. That's been one of
my challenges, you know. So it's confidence talking about, Hey,
I'm laughing and joking with somebody, that's because they're crazy,
and I don't I can kind of get away from
this utility being cut off. Then I'm talking to Kafa,
(14:07):
We're having a real conversation about the utility, and you know,
she's like, well, you know, you're talking to such and
such and you were laughing about him, Like yeah, And
I can't re visit the conversation in the same manner
because I'm more worried about the bill still, you know, So,
(14:27):
so I can't retell it, I can't relive it. It's
almost like, well, you got to be there. But then
that also causes issues too because it's not again, it's
not the same. So I think the challenge is these
moments being unresolved can build up to be something greater
(14:53):
because there are some things that and just based off
of again our own experiences, there are some things that
didn't happen, some conversations that did not happen until we
were in year twenty one, twenty two, even twenty four.
And so the reality is is that there are certain
(15:18):
situations and times where that stuff just finally comes up.
It's not Hey, you know that you can always resolve
the issue at that moment. Maybe you can't find a
real time or place. You gotta wait for that door
to open up. Yeah, I also have to wait for
not only for that person that you're talking to being
(15:39):
able to be mature enough to handle it. But what
about yourself being mature enough? And I know for myself,
I have always been in that position, you know, So
so I understand that, hey, it can be or it
could feel like it could be unresolved, but I think
that it can be resolved, understanding that I need to
(16:02):
be mature enough to handle the end result. Because I mean,
I always like the way you answer cough. I mean
I always like the body language because again everything's not verbal.
It's also you know, physical being a body language or
whatever it is. I also think about oh wow at
the time. So for an example, if I say the
kafa again, you know, I'm saying to her or suggesting
(16:27):
to do X, Y and z. And what if it's
that time of month or her attitude. She's already her right, yeah,
she's already read a you know. You know, so the
way she she'll look at me, they be like, dude,
please in all reality, you know, And so you got
(16:50):
to think about that as well. Hey, you know what, Maurice,
I need you to be more whatever, Kyle, you do understand,
like my allergies are bothering the crap out of me,
you know, So sometimes timing hurts as.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
Well, exactly. You know, I think.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
You know what you're saying it. You know, it's true.
It hits home that there's a lot of variables in
this thing on what causes issues in the relationship. You know,
(17:31):
sometimes it's not just the issue itself, as you're saying.
It could be the body language. It could be the
time of the month. It could be the rising of
the sun. It could be the full moon. You know,
it could be whatever else that is a factor towards
the individual, towards the couple, towards the family unit. All
(17:54):
of those things, you know, attack or eat at or
whatever can break things down and be an attributing factor
to a silent killer towards family, towards the love, towards
(18:14):
the relationship, or whatever. I don't know reality where we
would be if we hadn't started talking to each other more,
if we didn't start dating each other again again. In dating,
you're collecting data, you're talking, you're asking questions, you're seeing
(18:38):
each other differently. Yes, we dated prior to marriage. We
dated a little bit I think when we first got married.
But once, and we talk about this all the time
on the show, that once we became parents and we
became parents. You know, I think we were no longer dating.
We didn't have We had a few date nights, but
(19:00):
the reality is that I think even with our date nights,
they weren't date nights. It was a lot of times
because you were in a fraternity and they were doing
something and you wanted to be present and the kids
couldn't be there, so we got a sitter.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Mostly times it was our parents.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
I don't think we even had We never had a
sitter that wasn't a parent so or a family member.
I guess a few times they went with an aunt,
So you know, we didn't We didn't have those date nights.
So looking back hindsight, you know what I suggest to
(19:41):
others to implement date nights, and I hear other people
who say, you know, every month we have a date night,
and and they have different ways to come up with
those ideas. And that's what's you know, seems to be
strong and has kept their family together and kept them
their marriage together. We had family date nights, We had
(20:02):
lots of those, but Maurice and I didn't have a
lot of.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
Just he and I.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Getting to be connected and hey, what's going on with you,
how do you feel about the week, what do you
think of you know, what's how is what's going on
with the kids impacting you? We would have family meetings,
but in reference to dealing with some of the issues
(20:29):
that you know have kind of come in and or
those issues that don't get resolved, and there's going to
be issues that are not going to be resolved, and
hopefully you know, we don't wait until.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
It becomes more than an issue.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I think the the date night allows a level of
or you have to be in a level of non control,
a level of being relaxed and comfortable. And I think
(21:13):
sometimes as we've been going through some of our challenges, Kyle,
that I haven't always been able to do that effectively, efficiently,
whatever it might have been. And then that's number one.
Number two would be and especially early on when because
(21:36):
again we didn't have those type of conversations about our
financial awareness like we do now for us to sit
down and say, all right, let's go have a date, Well,
it costs money, and so how are we going to
deal with this situation? If we already having a money issue?
How were we going to have a date. But the other
(22:00):
part of that is can you really really make a
date out of anything? Can you be creative enough? And so?
And how long does a date like? What does it
(22:20):
have to look like? What does it have to be like?
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Like?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
If there's a like you hear a lot of people
right now they talk about, Hey, you know, I want
to go on a date, but a date hasn't consistent
me going shopping? Well, is that really a date? Or
you know what is that? I mean, I'm not going
to tell anybody what their definitions really are, you know,
but can you really find out how that person ticks?
(22:45):
If you're shopping right, can you really find that out?
Can you find out what they're because again, if am
I feeding the ego? Am I feeding whatever? Sometimes sitting
down in a park having a real heart to heart conversation,
yes it could feel romantic, but if you take away
everything else is just mono E mono? Are you allowed to?
(23:11):
Can you give yourself enough space to be who you
are in that place? And that's not easy because the
reason why a lot of us haven't dealt with ourselves yet.
We don't know ourselves yet, and we're not comfortable one
with ourselves. Number two, if we're going through a fight,
Am I comfortable with you? So that's the other part
(23:34):
of that. So and there have been moments where, even
in our family meetings, I might say real quick like, hey,
things ain't right right now, things ain't going on, So
it would kind of lessen some of that for myself.
I don't know what KAFA might have been. Again, we're
talking about these quiet, solid issues, unresolved issues now k
(23:58):
with chin in or whatever, which might spark conversations later
on between the two of us. But you know, if
our challenges have been financial, going on a date, even
though it sounds like a great idea, it wasn't always
(24:21):
the answer for me because of we just talked about it.
What does that look like? What does that feel like?
You know, not understanding sometimes it's just a matter of
being in the presence of the other person right and
making sure that that other person is being heard and
(24:43):
cared for, protected whatever it is. Because I think, yes, yes,
we understand that there are some ideas of gender roles
or whatever it is, but it still goes both ways.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
Definitely, definitely, Like you said, you know, a lot of
sometimes issues not even with the other person, the unresolved
issues within yourself.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
HM.
Speaker 4 (25:07):
I agree, you know, so who do you? Who do
you think you are?
Speaker 3 (25:13):
Type of thing to you know, your parent, you to
say like, who do you even think you are? You know,
so being resolved in that and understanding who you think
you are as a person, Who do you think you
are as a spouse and how are you playing that role?
(25:34):
And is that resolved? And is that concrete? And is
that real for you? And how are you playing that
out on a day to day basis?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
But see, I think some of the the who do
you think you are? Is such a a wall if
if so, if you and now are having a disagreement
(26:07):
one way or another and you say something and I say, well,
who do you think you are? That's such a defense
to me, in my opinion, and anybody who says it,
your feelings are.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Hurt right, And I wasn't saying that you would say
it to I'm saying that it's an internal thing. Like
I said, I started with it a lot of times.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
It is.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Well, well, and I hear you, But again, who do
you think you are to tell me how I should feel?
Who do you think you are? To tell me what's
going on? Because I don't even know who I am
in that situation. You get what I mean. So I
think that that's why I say I think that's a
wall or a problem, because sometimes people have this again,
(27:01):
this idea of fixation of who they think they are
in that situation, and then for you to question me,
excuse mean, for you to question me in that situation,
I got a whole problem in all honesty, I mean,
and I just look at it from again my own
family situation. Sometimes they don't like, well, Maras, who do
you think you are? Well, evidently you don't know who
(27:23):
you are in that situation. I e. While we don't
bang you ge know what I mean? Like, while we're
not cool whatever you know, whatever is going on, you
feel uncomfortable because I question your real thoughts or your
position in that in that space, and you don't like
to be questioned whatever it might be, not you personally,
I'm talking about other people you know. So, and that's
(27:46):
because you have no idea of who you really are
in that spot. As you're per you're what you're saying right,
because what side offense am I on? Sometimes we don't
know what side offense we're on. Sometimes we don't know
what what we truly believe or don't believe because we
(28:08):
are so or have been so conditioned, whether it's been
by our family, by our community, by society, to think
and feel a certain way without being or understanding our
individuality in that position. So why do I like vanilla
(28:28):
ice cream? Is it because that's what my mom bought
the most? Or is it because that is something that's
just basic? And I just you know, it's easy to
manage just having vanilla ice cream than any other ice
cream because maybe I'm not in the mood for other stuff.
I understand what's my real position in that space. Sometimes
we don't take the time to understand that part. Where
(28:51):
are the other influences that we have? That doesn't mean
I won't try something else, but.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Or that you don't like other things? Is just saying, hey,
vanilla is my favorite. It's my go to, but.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
It's go to because of it is it's not my favorite.
It might be just my go to because it'll go
with everything else that we have going on. So right now,
we go upstairs and you decide to bake cookies, right
and I mean, so we have so Coppee has cookies
that she could bake, or I have some lemon oreo cookies, right,
(29:28):
So if I got vanilla ice cream, even though the
vanilla doesn't sound right with the Oreo cookie necessarily the
lemon Oreo cookie. But I'm pretty sure there's people that
might like that because it's almost like a shirt. Surbert
also the people what kind of ice cream you have
to But but I'm pretty sure that it could go together.
(29:50):
If you have vanilla ice cream, Could it go with chocolate? Possibly? Again,
it all depends on your taste, buzz and what people
you like. Could it go with strawberry? Now the question
is could it go with any of the other stuff
like a pistachio mint, choker chip, Rocky Road, you know,
(30:13):
all the ones that got all these extra extra extra
flavors in it? Does it does the Does the lemon
cookie sound right? It might not sound right, It could
taste right though, you know, odd things work, you get
what I mean? But yeah, so I think those are
the things where Kyle per your per your statement. Do
we even know who we are in that moment? Especially
(30:37):
if someone asks us? Ask us? You know, because again
sometimes when you say stuff out loud, it might be
to that individual, but you might be really asking yourself too.
Are your ears open? Up to say, hey, do I
even know who I am in that spot?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I mean, so to get to what you hit sit
from the very beginning at the top of the show,
a reference to unresolved issues as you were dancing to
the theme song the intro. You know, if I had
an issue with that, if I had an unresolved issue
with that, that has nothing to do with you. That's
(31:14):
for me to get over myself and my unresolved issue.
I can bring it up to you, you know, because
a lot of things like well, I don't like when.
Speaker 4 (31:22):
You do that.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
So we talked about, hey, well you can do that
out in the middle of your thirty acres, you can
do that in your car, you can whatever. But no,
the problem is that I have an issue with you
expressing yourself through dance because I don't think you can
do it very well, you know what I mean, Or
(31:43):
the fact that you didn't ask me to dance with you.
You know, now I have an issue and I'm pursuing
and I'm pushing that issue onto you, and now my
issue becomes I'm making it your issue, and now I
have a different viewpoint of you because you know I
(32:04):
have I have an unresolved I have an unresolved issue
that oh, well, you dancing and whatever. I'm not. You
didn't ask me to dance, you know, I don't even
like the way you dance, you know, type of thing,
and you.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Don't you don't like the way I dance because you,
like you just stated you're not dancing with me. I
didn't invite you to the party. Well, you don't understand
my mental party at the moment. I'm just you know, again,
we're just using this as an example, y'all. Right now,
I'm just dancing because we have some stuff coming, you know,
coming up, and that was in my brain and I
(32:39):
can see myself dancing at those moments. We have some
trips coming and whatever it is. So yeah, I'm excited,
you know. So yeah. So so I think those are
things that we need to understand that some of our
unresolved issues, like as you stayed in, canfe more internal
(32:59):
and the only could be resolve of we have a
conversation about.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
It, right But like you're saying, had that conversation about
it with ourselves first, you know, like why is this
an issue?
Speaker 4 (33:11):
You know, is it really really an issue?
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Like is the dancing issue the fact that you're dancing,
you know, is it the fact the type of dance
you're doing, like you said, Hey, you're shaking.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
Your shoulders, you know?
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Was it that when you know what, if you was
doing a two step would've been easier with it?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
You know?
Speaker 4 (33:28):
Is it because hey, I think we should be serious?
Speaker 3 (33:32):
Hey?
Speaker 4 (33:32):
Is it because you didn't ask me to dance?
Speaker 3 (33:34):
You know? Like there's all those things. So first I
think doing that, you know, internal evaluation of what the
heck really is going on? You know, what's wrong with
you type thing? So, and then sharing with your partner that, hey,
you know when you did that, I kind of felt
some kind of way.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
I think it was because of this.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Uh you know, it didn't have anything at all to
do with you, or maybe it did, you know, And
I'm going to explain to you, you know, or we
can work it out together.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
So how do we really address it.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
As the thing?
Speaker 3 (34:12):
As I just said, I think we communicated with that person.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
But how do we And I guess the reason I'm
kind of going back to that because if everyone is
not going to want to speak, right, everyone is not
going to address it, especially when it happens, yes, right.
Speaker 4 (34:34):
You know, all right?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
And if you're going to do that self evaluation real quick.
You know, it may not happen right away. You may
need to take that time away. Do we evaluate and
then come back. No, I wouldn't say wait a month
and be like, you know, type of a thing or
maybe it you know, you hold it until it happens again.
(35:00):
Oh yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.
You know, I've done a little dig digging and this
is what I'm feeling. And when you did that before,
it brought up these feelings and this is why I
think it brought those feelings up. And I think being
coming to it in that regard can be open and
(35:21):
hopefully that person will be more receptive in it or
they you know. Again, there's all different types of relationships
and maybe they're not you know, so.
Speaker 4 (35:32):
I'm not quite sure. What about yourself? What do you think?
How you think it should be handled?
Speaker 1 (35:37):
I think that it's challenging because one some people like
to handle things head on, and there's some people that's
kind of like, well, I don't know or whatever. And
I think when it comes down to it, for both positions,
(36:00):
just being okay enough because sometimes the people that want
to hit, you know, strike stuff head on, are still
not necessarily figuring it through because they might jumping, might
be jumping all the way into it. So I think
you're right that maybe taking a moment and evaluating the
situation and then coming back and that does not mean
(36:27):
evaluating it for the next three days. That doesn't mean
that it might mean the next three minutes, because take
the moment to calm down right and and take and
look at the whole picture. Because you know, you hear, hey,
(36:52):
I'm dealing with my truth and I don't care who's around,
what's around whatever, But there's a time and place for everything.
You don't what embarrassed body or yourself. Well, you know,
some people have no shame.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Right, So there's a lot of times at that point
you say so much and you can't pull back right right.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Right, you know. So so I would say, you know,
analyze the situation, analyze the environment. Is it really the
right time or place to say something? And then go
from there, you know, but also understand that if you
say it in a certain manner, be ready to deal
with the consequences, because some people will also say, well,
(37:33):
I don't care, I'm going to say what I got
to say. They could take it however I want them to.
But then that means you got to deal with the
way they take it, you know, the way they take it.
So now have you lost a friend of fifty years?
You know so, and now three or four months from now,
(37:55):
when you're sitting around and you're like, wow, this person,
we don't go to lunch together anymore. Wow, you know,
we don't go out and have a drink anymore. Oh wow,
they canceled the trip that we were supposed to go on,
or we had to cancel the trip because you know,
we're not speaking anymore, you know, so understand what, you
(38:18):
know what the backlash can be. Oh wow, you know what,
we don't my lunch buddy at work. They're no longer
around because now guess what because of that situation, like
as you just stated, which I didn't consider about the
embarrassment part, but you know, if you're embarrassed, you're like, yo,
I ain't gotta work here no more. I'm out. And
(38:42):
you know what, you might've been the only reason why
they stayed because hey, I got a friend here or
whatever it is, and now you're gonna shut it down. Well,
you know what, I'm gonna go over here. Then you
find out that person is flass and everything else at
the new job. You know, now you're like, what about me? Yes, well,
if you would have kept your mouth quiet and thought
(39:03):
for a second instead of lashing out, maybe things could
be a little bit different. And understand the long term effect.
That doesn't mean to to quiet that voice for you
to not have peace or whatever it is once you speak,
(39:27):
but just understand what that what that could look like
long term. And so imagine what it is now that
you have this life partner that you really would like
to be with for for your life, on the rest
of your life. What is it that you're doing? You know,
how do you respond? Do you really understand the value
(39:48):
that they bring to the table? So is it worth
you speaking your truth risk losing everything for that one moment?
You can feel justified in it at that time, but
again five years from now when you be like, dang,
(40:12):
this is our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Oh wow, the kids
are having a birthday party. Should I go? Should I
not go? You give it me, like, you know, it's
so many other factors that I hear people kind of contemplate,
you know, especially when their kids are getting older and
the kids are having milestones or whatever it is, it's
(40:33):
like should I go? Should I not go? And then
you get or you're in a position where it's like
I'm watching them flourish in another relationship. I mean, we
got family members just like that, you know, where they
might have separated and then they see their kids parent
the other parent in another relationship, They're like, oh, wow,
(40:54):
well what about me? What happened? How come I can't
find well? How come I can't do well? If you
would have not blown up, it might be a different spot,
you know. So yeah, so I think those are the
type of things that we need to understand as confide
as you're talking about also these moments of not being
(41:16):
embarrassed and we're talking about you know, talking about things
being unresolved or whatever it is. You know, sometimes we
have to understand why we're in that position and why
it's important for us to understand who we are and
what we are in that place, and why we need
(41:39):
to take a moment to analyze what are are our thoughts,
our morals, our values while we're looking at these places
and jobs or whatever it is. So there's a tool
that I have currently called the well white not work
book that can help you with some of these things
to grow into mature within your relationship, within your yourself,
(42:08):
relationship with yourself first, and then it helps you work
through some of your pain points, because that's the other
part too. We don't always understand when we say, hey,
who do you think you're talking to? That's a pain point.
And so again because we're hurt, we don't we don't
have an answer to that, and so we have to
(42:29):
now understand why we are feeling this way towards the situation.
And this book that I you know I have authored, well,
why not the work book? You can find it now Amazon.
If you're having challenge with finding it, just type of
my name Maurice D. Chisholm and the D stands for
(42:53):
determined to help you get to a better life. So
you can find it now on Amazon, you know, dot com.
If not, go to my website Maurice Chisholm dot com
and the link is right there on the homepage.
Speaker 3 (43:08):
Know that information is in the show notes for you all. Yes,
so you can certainly be able to click right away
and get that so that you can work through some
of the unresolved issues that you have and become better people,
become a better person for yourself and for your relationship
(43:29):
so that you're not killing their love, so you're not
killing your marriage, so you're not killing yourself. Yeah. I
think it's you know, really really important to do that,
that deep dive and learn more about yourself. So, like
Marie said, that's it's a great tool you know, to
use along the way. So don't don't be afraid to
(43:50):
uh click on that link at the bottom there of
the show notes and check it out and see a
little bit about it. If you have questions, you can
certainly email Marie right about whatever questions you have and
he'll be able to respond.
Speaker 4 (44:06):
To you in reference to that.
Speaker 1 (44:07):
And so you can hit us up on No Fruitpodcast
at gmail dot com and not just myself, but Kaplica
answer as well, because she's she's very well versed.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
In life, been here for a long time, you know.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
So.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
But we thank y'all very much for listening to us today.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
Yes, thanks so much for listening, and we hope that
this has been a help for you. If it has,
please again send us a note, make a comment. We'll
be glad to listen and read about it.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Yeah, we'll talk to you a little bit later.
Speaker 4 (44:40):
Bye pease.
Speaker 5 (44:42):
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of a No
Fruit podcast, where we bring you fruitful conversations, ripe in
wisdom and love that's deeply rooted. If you enjoyed this episode,
don't forget to subscribe, leave us a review, and share
it with someone who could.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Use a little inspiration in their death.
Speaker 5 (44:56):
Until next time, stay rooted in love, and remember every
seed you plant today shapes the fruit of tomorro
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