The Language of Desire: Following the Clues | S7E78

 How do we connect the dots when our partner doesn't spell it out? What happens when the clues lead us to unexpected places?

Maurice shares how he pays attention to the subtle clues Kafi gives about her desires, needs and emotions. 

The Language of Desire, is our multi-part series that focuses on how we communicate our emotional and physical needs by using unspoken cues and the power of subtle expressions to strengthen our relationship.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
How do we connect the dots when our partner doesn't
spell it out.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let's talk about loving the man the way of God.
Intend like experience to share to help you transfort.

Speaker 1 (00:30):
So you know, we're at kaf and I are having
this banter kind of back and forth telling you how
we kind of live, but we're also talking to one another.
And so one of the things that in her last
message to me was just being subtle, you know, being
direct versus being subtle and actions and words and whatever

(00:54):
it is. And a lot of times I don't know
which way to go because she doesn't spell it out
all the way for me. And so if you listen
to her talk about, hey, you know, this is something
that she would like for, you know, as a as
a gift, whether it's Christmas, Birthday or whatever, you know,
whatever happens. Even just as she also said on me,
it could just be like, hey, you know, today is

(01:14):
Sunday at three thirty. Hey, here's a gift. You know, mindset,
you know. But there's a lot of times where she
doesn't do that because she know I might run out
and go get it or do this, that and the other.
And so sometimes that's a good thing. It's a bad thing.
But I know for myself, I do those type of

(01:35):
things because I'm trying to find out what makes her
tick a little bit, what makes her smile, what makes
her laugh, what makes her feel giddy and warm inside,
And so I like it to some degree. That's my
form of the chase. I think her quietness and her
chill back moment is almost like, hey, you know, hey, baby,

(01:56):
won't you continue to chase me? And so I try
to keep that energy up a little bit. Now, Can
it be a little challenging at times where she's not
doing that, where she's not being direct, Yes, because I'm
gonna be honest with you, I'm not sure if I
could deal with a young lady that would be direct

(02:18):
one hundred percent of the time, because I know my
energy it doesn't deal with that very well. It really doesn't.
And so and I guess maybe because especially right now,
we've been confer and I've been together for so long,
I'm just so used, so used to her chill mentality
that anything else seems really really like, ah, you know so.

(02:42):
But but it also makes me because she is quiet
and laid back in that, you know, I find the
importance of putting continually putting in effort to make sure
that I am what I need to do with what
I need to be at, how I need to respond
and act. So there's a lot of effort that needs
to go into that also builds up curiosity because now

(03:05):
it's like, all right, as I stated, how can I
make her smile today? What could be a little bit different,
what could be you know, whatever it might be, you know,
And so I think those are the type of things
that we need to constantly do in a relationship. Again,
if you listen to some of the other episodes where
we talk about routine and how it really destroys relationships,

(03:27):
Routine really destroys it. And so because now you're not
putting in the effort, oh wow, you know what, We're
just gonna you know, do whatever. Because like if you
listen to Kafa, is something that was really subtle that
she said, you know, a couple episodes ago about just
her challenging herself on how to fry the chicken right

(03:48):
some days that she said sometimes she forgets, she has
you know, moment amnesia, you know, on how to fry
the chicken. But then there's other times where she says
she might challenge herself in doing it, and so, oh,
how do you continually to do do that in your relationship?
Showing up in a moment because routine, oh wow, you
could forget. But what happens when you are in that

(04:11):
moment and you are really putting forth to effort to
become better, when you're really putting forth to effort to
pay attention, when you're putting forth to effort to now
making sure that whatever is the next step, it is
the best thing that can happen. And so you listen
to us talk about our trip to Puerto Rico even

(04:33):
a year or two ago, you listen to us talk
about our trip to Rehobeth Beach or ac or whatever.
It is like these little quick moments where it's like
it broke the routine and so it allowed us to
get into another place. And so because we did these
things on some end relatively spak Spain Teneity jumped into

(05:01):
that moment, which is what both of us relatively like,
not always one hundred percent, but we relatively like. So
I think that's where this stuff really takes place, and
it gets to gets us to another level of it's
not the same. We feel something different. Look at how

(05:25):
you're responding, and we're gonna go back to just that
Rehobeth moment. Kafa was so anxious, so concerned whether or
not I would like that trip, and so without her
explaining to me how she was truly feeling, I can

(05:46):
actually see in her actions. So at that particular time,
I was paying attention to her social cues or clues
that she was little on edge, and so she needed
to see how I was going to respect on and
if I responded negatively, what she has shut down. If
I would have responded inappropriately, what she now wants to say.

(06:10):
You know what, Maries, I ain't doing nothing for you
ever again in my life. It's not worth it. It's
not worth my time or energy. Now, that would have
been a moment for myself where you know what my
anxiety of I don't always like surprises. I didn't always
like surprises, but in that particular moment I did. I
was okay, we enjoyed it. She said, just drive or whatever.

(06:33):
She's like, I'm not sure if you're going to just
do that. Well I did. We did that, We drove,
we had fun. I enjoyed myself, I expressed to her
it's probably one of the best trips ever in my life. Now,
there has been some trips since then, there's been the
best trip ever, you know. But I think those type
of things when you start to see yourself outside of
what your regular box is. Now you get to see

(06:58):
another side of not just yourself, but you also get
to see another side of your partner and seeing those
things because her desire is to travel, her desire is
to have fun, her desire is to smile more and
to be more relaxed. Well, Marie's what is that you

(07:20):
need to do in order for her to get to
that point? So, even when she is spelling it out,
are you able to actually respond to it? And those
are the type of things that we all need to
understand that even if we're we're hearing the spell out,
but are we able to take the time. Are we

(07:41):
able to take the effort and the energy to make
sure that, you know what, let's make this thing happen.
Are we taking in the clues that she's giving the desire,
her needs, her emotions are all important for me and

(08:03):
I need to make sure that she is well balanced
throughout this whole process. Just one little thing as we're
getting older, you know, we're seeing changes in embody and
emotions and whatever it might be. And so you just
want to make sure that all things are you know,
as many things as can be, not all, but as
many things that can be taken care of, nurtured, loved,

(08:29):
paid attention to it. Whatever it is will help you
in your everyday movement and whatever you're trying to accomplish
or whatever it is. So right now, one of the
things that we've learned is not to take on everybody
else's energy, not to take on everybody else's you know,
negative vibes. And so now our life fit, I know,

(08:51):
for myself feels a lot lighter. So and then with that,
because I'm lighter, I now I could just see her
relax when it cauch okay, I guess what. You know
what it's when you know you're looking at making dinner.
Dinner doesn't have to be so complex where you have
to make beef Wellington and stream beings, ala mode almond whatever,

(09:18):
you know, whatever that might be. It doesn't have to
be so complex. Just give me some burned noodles. She's like, really,
you know, I'm like, yeah, I mean, it doesn't have
to be so deep. Now, sometimes you want to be
a little dressy, right, but also I have to look
at her and say and see what mode she's in,

(09:40):
what vibe she's in. And so because it's already not
so deep from me, don't put so much pressure on her.
Read the language, understand what's going on, even if she's
not spelling it out, like Maurice, I'm just not feeling
it today and the last couple of weeks, you know,

(10:02):
some of the things that she's been going through, there's
a lot on her plate that she's been concerned about.
And understand like, hey, even though she wants to make
sure that her husband and her children are okay, the
thing that I can do and the energy and effort
that I could put into is like, listen, this stuff
is not that deep. Don't worry about it like that,

(10:24):
Like it's not that pressing.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
And so.

Speaker 1 (10:28):
We need to understand what happens when the clues lead
us to an unexpected place, because in that unexpected place,
are we actually going to find even more happiness that
we ever thought we could achieve. So I want you

(10:49):
to think about that what happens when the clues that
those little bread clumbs that are placed out there lead
us to an unexpected place. I'll talk to you a
little bit later.

Speaker 3 (11:01):
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of a No
Fruit podcast, where we bring you fruitful conversations, ripen wisdom
and love that's deeply rooted. If you enjoyed this episode,
don't forget to subscribe, leave us a review, and share
it with someone who could use a little inspiration in
their death. Until next time, stay rooted in love and
remember every seed you plant today shapes the fruit of tomorrow.