It's Christmastown
Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.
Episodes
We’re spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them’s the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first...
TEASER:
Our respect for the Boboli Corporation.
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Sta...
It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first...
Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it.
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ......
We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first...
A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aw...
DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but...
Is that the blowjob guy?
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer...
PART TWO
Cast Rundown ... The Expositiona...
JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but...
We've already got the furry erotica!
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works
PART TWO
Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mari...
Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first...
Let's sing ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir...
MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but...
Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah!
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Ro...
MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but...
The lighthouse made me so angry ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient...
We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but...
You're gonna wanna braise that elf ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ...
JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because:
It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Deat...
Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but...
Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Chri...
RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because:
All we see is the goal ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain ...
Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS (2021) and we're still dating! Also, ...
This is a bad idea ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Ba...
We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ...
When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood,...
We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize:
No one's claiming the rights ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas...
It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing.
Radio by seniors, for seniors ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. e...
CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if:
We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed mo...
JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (2020), but first:
Let's go get hot chocolate!
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Cha...
We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but:
Do you know how loud jai alai is? ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ...
Break: Original music by ...
Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but:
Forensics can wait for the pageant ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls...
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