August 1, 2011 • 18 mins
Rebounding has a negative stigma, but could they be good for you? Perhaps! Psychologists say rebounding could be especially good for attachment personality types, and there may be an odd correlation between cheating and rebounding.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.
It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never told You?
From House stup works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. So Caroline, I
(00:21):
think that we can both agree on st and the
breakup suck. I do believe they do. Yeah, I mean,
even if you're the one doing the breaking up or
you're the one being broken up with, it's just a
pain in the painful is Yeah, it's like the heart.
The pain is a pain in the heart and the
butt and the but yeah, no, it leaves you feeling
kind of worthless sometimes. So sometimes the knee jerk response
(00:46):
to a breakup is, well, you can you can just
get back together with a person, or you can rebound.
Yes you can. Now this is kind of a bad
idea according to some people. Although yeah, rebound relationships have
I think a pretty negative connotation. You're like you always
fear like, oh, you know, you're just rebounding. It sort
(01:08):
of implies that you are still an emotional wreck. Nobody
wants to be with the rebounder. Yeah, no, because you're
just gonna use them up. You can use them until
you are whole again and have regained your self confidence
and self worth, and then you'll move on to the
more substantial person unless you just get stuck there. Yeah,
if you just want attention, I mean, you might just
stick with whoever you come across right after your breakup, exactly. Yeah.
(01:32):
Rebounders also tend to be labeled pretty desperate. Yeah, but
so many people do it. So are we all just
a desperate pack of sad sex? That might be a
harsh assessment. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong
with uh, you know, after you've either been broken up
with or or dumped somebody that you know, you want
to get back to feeling like a normal person. Yeah.
(01:53):
And it also it sort of broadens your perspective maybe
instead of just focusing on that one person you've broken
up with. So some pros and some cons um And
we actually found a study, a survey published in the
College study journal um odd Founding Journal from March two
thousand nine that looked into the characteristics of a rebounder.
(02:18):
They weren't all positive. They were not all positive. Rebounders
were painted as love seeking, desperate, lonely individuals. Yes, who
were also cheaters, yes, and promiscuous. So so there you
go in a podcast. Don't do it. Don't get involved
with a rebounder. Now, First of all, Um, a majority
of the people in the survey, this was roughly a
(02:38):
thousand undergrads, said that they had knowingly been in a
rebounding relationship, had initiated a rebound um. And the top
characteristics that these researchers found among the people who were
in these rebound relationships were number one, Caroline, Like you said,
they just tend to fall in love fast, right. They
(03:02):
also tend to get married faster. So once they got
their hooks and somebody, they just keep them. Yeah, So
not only do they marry quickly, but they are also
randomly enough more likely to marry foreigners. I have indeed
rebounded with an Englishman myself. Yes he was an actor,
an English actor. Yes, I wouldn't have lasted in real life,
(03:22):
but luckily I was in England so it didn't count.
That sounds like a fantasy rebound. I would like to
be made into a movie. And he was very concerned
with his hair so well the stage. With the stage,
it would not have worked out. Was he a stage actor?
Was bish very theatrical. He told me I should wear
more dangly earrings. And did you know, good for you?
(03:45):
You knew a rebounding saw it and you're not going
to invest in new jewelry. Buddy, You're in shape and
you have an accent. You're making me feel better about myself.
I have no desire to change anything for you or
randomly get married. Yes, exactly. And also I thought this
was interesting. They found that people who are quote looking
for love on the internet are more likely to be rebounders.
(04:09):
And that makes total sense if you think about online dating.
First of all, so many people are doing it. But
I mean, if there were an easier way to rebound
these days, I can't think of one other than signing
up for say I don't know, okay, keepid and just
letting the dates slow your way, or just being you know,
(04:29):
a volunteer to be the doorman at a bar and
just let the dates come to hear if you just
have a little business cards ready with your with your
number on them, right. But then this is where it
starts to get a little little sketchy. Is the hedonistic
patterns cheating Caroline, What's up with these cheaters? And rebounding,
(04:50):
it says. The study says that people who cheat in
their relationships are more likely to rebound. Does that just
mean that they just want so much attention that they
they're not going to enough attention from their girlfriend or
their boyfriends, so they're cheating on them with somebody else.
Knowing that busts, they just go for somebody else right away.
And what a double whammy if you somehow end up
being with a person who is not only a pathological
(05:11):
cheater but a rebounder. Yeah, so that maybe they are
cheating on you while also rebounding, so that then you
would probably need to rebound big time. That's too many steps,
I know, it's a lot. Those are people that you
just need to draw big red X over. Yeah, just
stay away from them. Um. And the researchers also tried
to draw correlation between rebounding and unprotected sex, but that
(05:34):
one was a little weak to me. Yeah. This was
a study of about a thousand, like you said, about
a thousand undergrads, and so I'm thinking that's more a
result of maybe young people like eighteen nineteen, you know,
your first to college, you're young, you're doing crazy things
that might have more to do with it than actually
being someone who rebounds frequently, right, And there was one
big question that the study did not address, which is
(05:58):
the reason behind why these people were rebounding, like how
the relationship dissolved, um whether they initiated the breakup or
they were the ones who were being broken up with.
That can really tell you a lot more about maybe
the quality and motivation of a rebound, because as we
learned in psychology today, there are some benefits to rebounding,
(06:22):
especially if you are anxiously attached. And that leads me
to picture somebody in an absolute panic over finding a relationship.
I'm like, yeah, these people tend to have a void.
They feel like they have to fill this void with
someone else, and you know that could lead you to
had decisions, but it could also help you disconnect from
(06:43):
your previous relationships. So if you just are one of
those people who after a breakup, you know, you just
feel all of this tremendous grief and you just can't
get over it. If you rebound with somebody that you
know disconnects you from your previous relationship, it could make
you feel you know, attractive again, or you know, just
having a good time after a bad breakup, right, because
anxiously attached people tend to put so much emotional investment
(07:09):
into one person that they feel such a great loss.
It's all of this is based around the idea of
an exchange theory, and it's this psychological sort of framework
of relationships that puts it in very sort of economic
terms of gains versus losses. So by rebounding, you move
as quickly as you can from a loss to a gain.
(07:33):
So this could be a good thing for an anxiously
attached person to instead of wallowing, you know, a very
Bridget Jones is kind of Bridget Jones is Bridget Jones
kind of way. Uh. It pulls your head out of
the other person's behind behind and and gets you moving forward. Right,
(07:54):
But what happens when the reboundy realizes that you're just
an anxiously attached crazy individual, and you know what if
they then leave you because they don't want to be
the reboundy or because since you're on the rebound, what
if you start acting maybe a little desperate, maybe treating
them like they're your ex you know, sliding them right
(08:15):
into that position. Yeah, I have been guilty of that.
I'll be honest, I've I've certainly done the rebound that
I just wanted to funnel all like unresolved emotion from
the last relationship straight into them, and they were not
ready for it, and they should not have been ready
for the exact same thing happened to me. I sort
of put all of my angs onto this poor unsuspecting schmuck,
(08:38):
and you know, he thought, oh, nice girl, we're just
hanging out casually. But I pretty much started dating him
a month after my to your relationship broke up. So yeah,
I just sort of started treating him like my boyfriend.
And he didn't know where that came from. Did not
go out to me as well, because I was like, wait,
wait is this I mean, it's cool if we hang
out every day, right, because I'm like, I mean I
(08:59):
could call you all time and text you throughout the workday, right,
I kind of expect you to stay over every night.
But yeah, it's a little tricky. You gotta you gotta
be careful with that timing. But it is good to
know that rebounding isn't all all bad. I Mean, there's
there's this um study from University of Toronto saying that
that rebounding absolutely can provide confidence in the availability of
(09:23):
new sources of connection. You know, yeah, there are other
it's the whole they're more efficient to see that. All
your girlfriends and guy friends whoever will tell you, you know,
to comfort you. But that sounds like total trite cliche honkey,
but um, but it's true. It's actually true, and there's
(09:45):
facts to scientific data to back that up. But if
you are finding yourself, you know, in a rebounding kind
of pattern, or if you are fresh out of relationship
and you want to move forward, but maybe you're thinking,
like I don't know, maybe this isn't maybe this isn't
the right time. Um, there are possibly some questions you
would want to ask yourself. You found these over um
(10:05):
at Huffington Post. This is from a psychotherapist, Mary Darling Montero,
And I mean there and there are questions, kind of
no brainer questions that you would ask, like, Okay, am
I just ping ponging around from person to person? Are
you giving yourself any sort of time to actually recover?
Are you giving yourself any time to actually deal with
what you just went through? Or are you just gonna
(10:26):
dump it on the next person who comes along? And
I think that there's a definite distinction between, like you said,
dealing with um, the past relationship and wallowing right right,
and that's going to be different from every person for
every person as well. UM, and then also recognizing if
you are legitimately rebounding and you just want to have
(10:46):
fun with someone, yeah, because you've got to be careful
with the other person in that case, Like if you
want absolutely nothing serious, because I think we've been there
as well, and it can get you know, you don't
want to hurt the other person. So also good to
be straightforward about it. Well, so do you warn the
other person? Do do you just let it come up naturally? Like, oh, yeah,
you know my fifteen year relationship just broke up. Watch out, Yeah,
(11:10):
I am trouble waiting to happen. I have a psychological
in that you do you warn them of this? Do
you just let that come up naturally? Or you know,
in my experience, they you know, they catch on eventually
when when the emotional distance becomes more and more apparent,
you know, they'll either just be down with it or
(11:31):
it'll dissolve. But that's essentially what you want, though, is
at some point for it to dissolve, you know, so God,
don't date me. Apparently, Well, no, I got into a
situation where, um, I was the REBOUNDY went on some
dates with this guy who had just gotten out of
a very long term relationship, and he was under the
(11:52):
impression that he was fine, and I warned him. I said,
you know, I've been in your shoes. I know it's
hard to get out of a long term relationship. You
probably feeling a little maybe lonely. You know, I get it,
But you know, are you okay because you're probably not?
Oh no, no, no, no, I'm fine. No, I really
like you. Let's hang out. Yeah. Uh. Lasted a couple
(12:12):
of weeks, and we finally actually called each other the
day before Valentine's Day and I said, hey, I think
we should talk about something and he said, oh, me too.
I said, I think maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.
He said, oh me to. Oh that's good. Yeah. We
both realized that he was in no position to be
dating someone because he started actually treating me like his ex. Yeah,
(12:37):
that's gonna be awkward. It was definitely awkward, responded, you know,
I would totally get bombarded because I'd say something innocent
and he would just totally respond negatively because it was
something he and his ex had thought about. You know,
I think it's interesting, like we we talked about this
um actually before we started recording the podcast, but this
idea that there might be kind of a gender difference
(12:58):
between men rebounding in women rebounding, like time and again,
it seems like the story is a guy and a
girl breakup and the girl is lonely, and the guys
somehow rebounds and ends up marrying the girl or something.
Is that that could just be differences and how man
and women deal with things. I mean, do you think
it's possible that women are more open to actually working
(13:18):
through their feelings? Although I definitely have been guilty rebounding immediately,
you know, it's it possible that maybe women are more
likely to work through their feelings, you know, think about it,
get through it, talk about it with their friends, whereas
a guy might just be lonely and go straight to
dating someone else. I think that could absolutely be the case.
(13:39):
And we haven't been able to find any studies, Like
there's no data to back this up, but I think
that you make a very good point, But we need
to hear from from guys out there, because obviously these
are two female minds at work. Cookie thing, we're just
judging a way exactly her huge. But we've been talking
a lot about dating, so I guess the final thing
(14:02):
to talk about is the marriage rebound. This might be
the most horrified thought to me, is a rebound marriage,
because that right there sounds like trouble. Yeah. There was
actually a study that said, hey, this isn't so bad
if you want to leave one marriage and hop right
on over to the other one, don't worry about what
your friends say about recovering and taking your time for yourself.
(14:27):
It says no, just go ahead. And what he's what
the guy was saying was just that there's no evidence
of a higher rate of divorce. Yeah, I think that
the divorce rate is already probably still high. You can't
screw it up, you know, whether you've been there's been
time between marriages or not. Um, maybe it's difficult for
that person who you're marrying. You might have to deal
(14:48):
with any any excess baggage that you have, But you
know what, there's always gonna be baggage. Yeah, there's someone
for everyone. There's enough desperate people in the world, but
hopefully they can find each other. Yes, but I don't
see how um, something so legally binding could be a
good idea. Yeah, that definitely seems like a lot. But hey,
study says not a problem. You know, so don't take
(15:12):
our word for it, but you know so, what's our
consensus then, on rebounding good bad depends? I think it depends.
It depends on the rebounder, the reboundies, the breakup that night.
Pretty much, we should maybe stop demonizing rebound relationships because
it sounds like rebound relationships are pretty much the same
(15:34):
as any relationship and that both parties will bring in
different sets of things and the outcome just depends. Yeah. You,
if you're the reboundy, you gotta watch out for that
crazy watch off that cheater, that crazy hedonistic, sexually promiscuous cheat. Yes.
And if you're the rebounder, if you're doing it all
(15:56):
the time, if you're not dealing with your baggage and
someplace siphon ng out onto other people, Um, your your
your mess, you put a stop to it. Yeah. If
you're uncomfortable being alone in any time and maybe date twice, Yeah,
you have issues that you need to work through. Caroline says,
(16:16):
you've got issues, Yeah, I get a cat, maybe dog
volunteered to shelter. Yes, and some box set DVDs of
good TV shows such as Twin Peaks. You'll be too
scared to want a date and you know, if it helps,
you can yell at happy couples on the street. Yeah,
that's always fun. So if you have any thoughts to
(16:37):
lend to our rebounding conversation, we'd love to hear from you,
Mom stuff at how stuff works dot com. And we
have a couple of emails to read here in Caroline,
why don't you kick it off for us? Sure? This
is from Erica. This is in a response to the
Delivery Room podcast. Okay, She said, there are a lot
(16:59):
of questions in things people don't know about in regards
to delivery. My friend and I decided to be each
other's support person for our deliveries and it has worked
out great all four time. Wow. We each had our
husbands with us, but we had another buddy there that
could be a support and be there for you on
a level your husband can't. Her husband truly dislikes hospitals,
(17:20):
so he frequently leaves and goes into the waiting room
or outside for large parts of the labor, giving him
a break so he can be better focused for the
actual delivery. It's worked out great. Both my children ended
up meeting immediate medical care and my husband was able
to go with them, and my friends stayed with me.
I think birth is very individual and whatever works is good.
And I've got one here from Jane, also in response
(17:42):
to our dads in the delivery room episode, and she writes,
my friends and I have discussed this subject before. At
the beginning of the conversation, a lot of them thought
they wouldn't want anyone except the doctors to see them
as a sweaty mess. But by the end we really
had come up with a good answer. Mary, the guy
who you want to be there holding your hand? That
(18:03):
seems pretty simple. Simple advice from Jane And if you
have any advice to send our way or thoughts. Again,
the email address is mom Stuff at how stuff works
dot com. We'd also love to see you over on Facebook,
give us a like if you don't mind, and follow
us on Twitter. So many things we ask our handle
over there is at mom Stuff podcast. And then finally
(18:25):
we have a blog during the week. It's stuff Mom
never told you. At how stuff works dot com, be
sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff from
the Future. Join how Stuff Work staff as we explore
the most promising and perplexing possibilities of tomorrow. The house
stuff Works iPhone app has a ride. Delmode It today
(18:48):
on iTunes, brought to you by the reinvented two thousand
twelve camera. It's ready, Are you
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.
It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never told You?
From House stup works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. So Caroline, I
(00:21):
think that we can both agree on st and the
breakup suck. I do believe they do. Yeah, I mean,
even if you're the one doing the breaking up or
you're the one being broken up with, it's just a
pain in the painful is Yeah, it's like the heart.
The pain is a pain in the heart and the
butt and the but yeah, no, it leaves you feeling
kind of worthless sometimes. So sometimes the knee jerk response
(00:46):
to a breakup is, well, you can you can just
get back together with a person, or you can rebound.
Yes you can. Now this is kind of a bad
idea according to some people. Although yeah, rebound relationships have
I think a pretty negative connotation. You're like you always
fear like, oh, you know, you're just rebounding. It sort
(01:08):
of implies that you are still an emotional wreck. Nobody
wants to be with the rebounder. Yeah, no, because you're
just gonna use them up. You can use them until
you are whole again and have regained your self confidence
and self worth, and then you'll move on to the
more substantial person unless you just get stuck there. Yeah,
if you just want attention, I mean, you might just
stick with whoever you come across right after your breakup, exactly. Yeah.
(01:32):
Rebounders also tend to be labeled pretty desperate. Yeah, but
so many people do it. So are we all just
a desperate pack of sad sex? That might be a
harsh assessment. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong
with uh, you know, after you've either been broken up
with or or dumped somebody that you know, you want
to get back to feeling like a normal person. Yeah.
(01:53):
And it also it sort of broadens your perspective maybe
instead of just focusing on that one person you've broken
up with. So some pros and some cons um And
we actually found a study, a survey published in the
College study journal um odd Founding Journal from March two
thousand nine that looked into the characteristics of a rebounder.
(02:18):
They weren't all positive. They were not all positive. Rebounders
were painted as love seeking, desperate, lonely individuals. Yes, who
were also cheaters, yes, and promiscuous. So so there you
go in a podcast. Don't do it. Don't get involved
with a rebounder. Now, First of all, Um, a majority
of the people in the survey, this was roughly a
(02:38):
thousand undergrads, said that they had knowingly been in a
rebounding relationship, had initiated a rebound um. And the top
characteristics that these researchers found among the people who were
in these rebound relationships were number one, Caroline, Like you said,
they just tend to fall in love fast, right. They
(03:02):
also tend to get married faster. So once they got
their hooks and somebody, they just keep them. Yeah, So
not only do they marry quickly, but they are also
randomly enough more likely to marry foreigners. I have indeed
rebounded with an Englishman myself. Yes he was an actor,
an English actor. Yes, I wouldn't have lasted in real life,
(03:22):
but luckily I was in England so it didn't count.
That sounds like a fantasy rebound. I would like to
be made into a movie. And he was very concerned
with his hair so well the stage. With the stage,
it would not have worked out. Was he a stage actor?
Was bish very theatrical. He told me I should wear
more dangly earrings. And did you know, good for you?
(03:45):
You knew a rebounding saw it and you're not going
to invest in new jewelry. Buddy, You're in shape and
you have an accent. You're making me feel better about myself.
I have no desire to change anything for you or
randomly get married. Yes, exactly. And also I thought this
was interesting. They found that people who are quote looking
for love on the internet are more likely to be rebounders.
(04:09):
And that makes total sense if you think about online dating.
First of all, so many people are doing it. But
I mean, if there were an easier way to rebound
these days, I can't think of one other than signing
up for say I don't know, okay, keepid and just
letting the dates slow your way, or just being you know,
(04:29):
a volunteer to be the doorman at a bar and
just let the dates come to hear if you just
have a little business cards ready with your with your
number on them, right. But then this is where it
starts to get a little little sketchy. Is the hedonistic
patterns cheating Caroline, What's up with these cheaters? And rebounding,
(04:50):
it says. The study says that people who cheat in
their relationships are more likely to rebound. Does that just
mean that they just want so much attention that they
they're not going to enough attention from their girlfriend or
their boyfriends, so they're cheating on them with somebody else.
Knowing that busts, they just go for somebody else right away.
And what a double whammy if you somehow end up
being with a person who is not only a pathological
(05:11):
cheater but a rebounder. Yeah, so that maybe they are
cheating on you while also rebounding, so that then you
would probably need to rebound big time. That's too many steps,
I know, it's a lot. Those are people that you
just need to draw big red X over. Yeah, just
stay away from them. Um. And the researchers also tried
to draw correlation between rebounding and unprotected sex, but that
(05:34):
one was a little weak to me. Yeah. This was
a study of about a thousand, like you said, about
a thousand undergrads, and so I'm thinking that's more a
result of maybe young people like eighteen nineteen, you know,
your first to college, you're young, you're doing crazy things
that might have more to do with it than actually
being someone who rebounds frequently, right, And there was one
big question that the study did not address, which is
(05:58):
the reason behind why these people were rebounding, like how
the relationship dissolved, um whether they initiated the breakup or
they were the ones who were being broken up with.
That can really tell you a lot more about maybe
the quality and motivation of a rebound, because as we
learned in psychology today, there are some benefits to rebounding,
(06:22):
especially if you are anxiously attached. And that leads me
to picture somebody in an absolute panic over finding a relationship.
I'm like, yeah, these people tend to have a void.
They feel like they have to fill this void with
someone else, and you know that could lead you to
had decisions, but it could also help you disconnect from
(06:43):
your previous relationships. So if you just are one of
those people who after a breakup, you know, you just
feel all of this tremendous grief and you just can't
get over it. If you rebound with somebody that you
know disconnects you from your previous relationship, it could make
you feel you know, attractive again, or you know, just
having a good time after a bad breakup, right, because
anxiously attached people tend to put so much emotional investment
(07:09):
into one person that they feel such a great loss.
It's all of this is based around the idea of
an exchange theory, and it's this psychological sort of framework
of relationships that puts it in very sort of economic
terms of gains versus losses. So by rebounding, you move
as quickly as you can from a loss to a gain.
(07:33):
So this could be a good thing for an anxiously
attached person to instead of wallowing, you know, a very
Bridget Jones is kind of Bridget Jones is Bridget Jones
kind of way. Uh. It pulls your head out of
the other person's behind behind and and gets you moving forward. Right,
(07:54):
But what happens when the reboundy realizes that you're just
an anxiously attached crazy individual, and you know what if
they then leave you because they don't want to be
the reboundy or because since you're on the rebound, what
if you start acting maybe a little desperate, maybe treating
them like they're your ex you know, sliding them right
(08:15):
into that position. Yeah, I have been guilty of that.
I'll be honest, I've I've certainly done the rebound that
I just wanted to funnel all like unresolved emotion from
the last relationship straight into them, and they were not
ready for it, and they should not have been ready
for the exact same thing happened to me. I sort
of put all of my angs onto this poor unsuspecting schmuck,
(08:38):
and you know, he thought, oh, nice girl, we're just
hanging out casually. But I pretty much started dating him
a month after my to your relationship broke up. So yeah,
I just sort of started treating him like my boyfriend.
And he didn't know where that came from. Did not
go out to me as well, because I was like, wait,
wait is this I mean, it's cool if we hang
out every day, right, because I'm like, I mean I
(08:59):
could call you all time and text you throughout the workday, right,
I kind of expect you to stay over every night.
But yeah, it's a little tricky. You gotta you gotta
be careful with that timing. But it is good to
know that rebounding isn't all all bad. I Mean, there's
there's this um study from University of Toronto saying that
that rebounding absolutely can provide confidence in the availability of
(09:23):
new sources of connection. You know, yeah, there are other
it's the whole they're more efficient to see that. All
your girlfriends and guy friends whoever will tell you, you know,
to comfort you. But that sounds like total trite cliche honkey,
but um, but it's true. It's actually true, and there's
(09:45):
facts to scientific data to back that up. But if
you are finding yourself, you know, in a rebounding kind
of pattern, or if you are fresh out of relationship
and you want to move forward, but maybe you're thinking,
like I don't know, maybe this isn't maybe this isn't
the right time. Um, there are possibly some questions you
would want to ask yourself. You found these over um
(10:05):
at Huffington Post. This is from a psychotherapist, Mary Darling Montero,
And I mean there and there are questions, kind of
no brainer questions that you would ask, like, Okay, am
I just ping ponging around from person to person? Are
you giving yourself any sort of time to actually recover?
Are you giving yourself any time to actually deal with
what you just went through? Or are you just gonna
(10:26):
dump it on the next person who comes along? And
I think that there's a definite distinction between, like you said,
dealing with um, the past relationship and wallowing right right,
and that's going to be different from every person for
every person as well. UM, and then also recognizing if
you are legitimately rebounding and you just want to have
(10:46):
fun with someone, yeah, because you've got to be careful
with the other person in that case, Like if you
want absolutely nothing serious, because I think we've been there
as well, and it can get you know, you don't
want to hurt the other person. So also good to
be straightforward about it. Well, so do you warn the
other person? Do do you just let it come up naturally? Like, oh, yeah,
you know my fifteen year relationship just broke up. Watch out, Yeah,
(11:10):
I am trouble waiting to happen. I have a psychological
in that you do you warn them of this? Do
you just let that come up naturally? Or you know,
in my experience, they you know, they catch on eventually
when when the emotional distance becomes more and more apparent,
you know, they'll either just be down with it or
(11:31):
it'll dissolve. But that's essentially what you want, though, is
at some point for it to dissolve, you know, so God,
don't date me. Apparently, Well, no, I got into a
situation where, um, I was the REBOUNDY went on some
dates with this guy who had just gotten out of
a very long term relationship, and he was under the
(11:52):
impression that he was fine, and I warned him. I said,
you know, I've been in your shoes. I know it's
hard to get out of a long term relationship. You
probably feeling a little maybe lonely. You know, I get it,
But you know, are you okay because you're probably not?
Oh no, no, no, no, I'm fine. No, I really
like you. Let's hang out. Yeah. Uh. Lasted a couple
(12:12):
of weeks, and we finally actually called each other the
day before Valentine's Day and I said, hey, I think
we should talk about something and he said, oh, me too.
I said, I think maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.
He said, oh me to. Oh that's good. Yeah. We
both realized that he was in no position to be
dating someone because he started actually treating me like his ex. Yeah,
(12:37):
that's gonna be awkward. It was definitely awkward, responded, you know,
I would totally get bombarded because I'd say something innocent
and he would just totally respond negatively because it was
something he and his ex had thought about. You know,
I think it's interesting, like we we talked about this
um actually before we started recording the podcast, but this
idea that there might be kind of a gender difference
(12:58):
between men rebounding in women rebounding, like time and again,
it seems like the story is a guy and a
girl breakup and the girl is lonely, and the guys
somehow rebounds and ends up marrying the girl or something.
Is that that could just be differences and how man
and women deal with things. I mean, do you think
it's possible that women are more open to actually working
(13:18):
through their feelings? Although I definitely have been guilty rebounding immediately,
you know, it's it possible that maybe women are more
likely to work through their feelings, you know, think about it,
get through it, talk about it with their friends, whereas
a guy might just be lonely and go straight to
dating someone else. I think that could absolutely be the case.
(13:39):
And we haven't been able to find any studies, Like
there's no data to back this up, but I think
that you make a very good point, But we need
to hear from from guys out there, because obviously these
are two female minds at work. Cookie thing, we're just
judging a way exactly her huge. But we've been talking
a lot about dating, so I guess the final thing
(14:02):
to talk about is the marriage rebound. This might be
the most horrified thought to me, is a rebound marriage,
because that right there sounds like trouble. Yeah. There was
actually a study that said, hey, this isn't so bad
if you want to leave one marriage and hop right
on over to the other one, don't worry about what
your friends say about recovering and taking your time for yourself.
(14:27):
It says no, just go ahead. And what he's what
the guy was saying was just that there's no evidence
of a higher rate of divorce. Yeah, I think that
the divorce rate is already probably still high. You can't
screw it up, you know, whether you've been there's been
time between marriages or not. Um, maybe it's difficult for
that person who you're marrying. You might have to deal
(14:48):
with any any excess baggage that you have, But you
know what, there's always gonna be baggage. Yeah, there's someone
for everyone. There's enough desperate people in the world, but
hopefully they can find each other. Yes, but I don't
see how um, something so legally binding could be a
good idea. Yeah, that definitely seems like a lot. But hey,
study says not a problem. You know, so don't take
(15:12):
our word for it, but you know so, what's our
consensus then, on rebounding good bad depends? I think it depends.
It depends on the rebounder, the reboundies, the breakup that night.
Pretty much, we should maybe stop demonizing rebound relationships because
it sounds like rebound relationships are pretty much the same
(15:34):
as any relationship and that both parties will bring in
different sets of things and the outcome just depends. Yeah. You,
if you're the reboundy, you gotta watch out for that
crazy watch off that cheater, that crazy hedonistic, sexually promiscuous cheat. Yes.
And if you're the rebounder, if you're doing it all
(15:56):
the time, if you're not dealing with your baggage and
someplace siphon ng out onto other people, Um, your your
your mess, you put a stop to it. Yeah. If
you're uncomfortable being alone in any time and maybe date twice, Yeah,
you have issues that you need to work through. Caroline says,
(16:16):
you've got issues, Yeah, I get a cat, maybe dog
volunteered to shelter. Yes, and some box set DVDs of
good TV shows such as Twin Peaks. You'll be too
scared to want a date and you know, if it helps,
you can yell at happy couples on the street. Yeah,
that's always fun. So if you have any thoughts to
(16:37):
lend to our rebounding conversation, we'd love to hear from you,
Mom stuff at how stuff works dot com. And we
have a couple of emails to read here in Caroline,
why don't you kick it off for us? Sure? This
is from Erica. This is in a response to the
Delivery Room podcast. Okay, She said, there are a lot
(16:59):
of questions in things people don't know about in regards
to delivery. My friend and I decided to be each
other's support person for our deliveries and it has worked
out great all four time. Wow. We each had our
husbands with us, but we had another buddy there that
could be a support and be there for you on
a level your husband can't. Her husband truly dislikes hospitals,
(17:20):
so he frequently leaves and goes into the waiting room
or outside for large parts of the labor, giving him
a break so he can be better focused for the
actual delivery. It's worked out great. Both my children ended
up meeting immediate medical care and my husband was able
to go with them, and my friends stayed with me.
I think birth is very individual and whatever works is good.
And I've got one here from Jane, also in response
(17:42):
to our dads in the delivery room episode, and she writes,
my friends and I have discussed this subject before. At
the beginning of the conversation, a lot of them thought
they wouldn't want anyone except the doctors to see them
as a sweaty mess. But by the end we really
had come up with a good answer. Mary, the guy
who you want to be there holding your hand? That
(18:03):
seems pretty simple. Simple advice from Jane And if you
have any advice to send our way or thoughts. Again,
the email address is mom Stuff at how stuff works
dot com. We'd also love to see you over on Facebook,
give us a like if you don't mind, and follow
us on Twitter. So many things we ask our handle
over there is at mom Stuff podcast. And then finally
(18:25):
we have a blog during the week. It's stuff Mom
never told you. At how stuff works dot com, be
sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff from
the Future. Join how Stuff Work staff as we explore
the most promising and perplexing possibilities of tomorrow. The house
stuff Works iPhone app has a ride. Delmode It today
(18:48):
on iTunes, brought to you by the reinvented two thousand
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