April 15, 2021 • 25 mins
You know when it's 3 am and you need to sleep but you stay up and text your friend instead? Yeah, it's that episode. Join us for another rendition of (Un)Happy Hour where discuss the insecurities that hang over a lot of women.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome to stephone. Never
told your production of I Heart Radio. It is Thursday,
which means it is time for another happy hour, happy hour,
(00:27):
or maybe another unhappy hour because he's unhappy hour. Here
we go. I took this idea that was supposed to
be a very uplifting, relaxing space and was like, let
me vent do you you know what happy hours to me?
Like I told you, my friend and I used to
do the bitch and wine session because it would be
(00:50):
us having wine and just talking about whatever has gone
wrong that week or that month. That's the thing happy
hours or four whatever it needs to be. I think
that's true. I think it. There is happiness to be
found in camaraderie and relaxing with someone that you feel
comfortable with and talking about whatever is on your mind. Yeah.
(01:10):
I'm just happy to be in your presence too. What
bemoan whatever happened or celebrate what might have happened. Yes,
well today we're doing a lot of bemoaning. Yes, let's go,
and as always, drink responsibility if you so choose. If
you are looking to drink something non alcoholic, we support
(01:30):
whatever you want to do. To relax and wind down
with us in these happy hours, even if that is
just sitting down, taking your breath and hopefully I don't know,
I don't know if participating is correct, but commiserating and
feeling that type of camaraderie. There you go. Yeah, So
(01:51):
what are you sitting on, Samantha. I am actually doing
a hard Selser today, and I'm keeping it real low
key with the truly mm hmmm, I think that's the
That's the original hard Seltzer, right, is it? White Claw? Truly?
White Claw is probably the original. I have no idea,
(02:13):
but I'm keeping as simple because I've also run out
of a lot of the beers and we do have
some things coming up and I'm saving those for us
to feature these different beverages. So right now, being is
it the word basic when it comes to brand Seltzer's,
(02:36):
I mean that that actually could be. We could unpack
that in a whole episode about what's basic means and
who it's been used against why, And you know, because
Seltzers are popular, I feel like a lot of things
like that that get popular but are associated with women
do get branded as this like almost worthless or embarrassing
(02:57):
thing to like right, I will say our local brewery,
Monday Night Brewery is offering free twelve pack Seltzers that
they have made for those who are vaccinated through the
month of April. So if you're in Atlanta, coming through
Atlanta and you have a vaccination card through April, they're
(03:20):
offering this is not sponsored, and they probably wouldn't love
the fact that we're telling a lot of people do,
but not a lot of our audiences in Atlanta. But
if you do come through Atlanta, apparently they're offering a
twelve pack of their salts are hard Selzer, which are delicious,
are called nar waters, very adorable, and they're offering it
for free, So kudos. Hey, I get my second shot
(03:42):
next Wednesday. So not only can you go grab yourself
a hard Sealzer, you can grab yourself that donut. Donut.
And what was the other thing I heard? Oh? Sam
Adams is also doing beer? Are they? Okay? I'm not
I'm not suing the details of that one, but I
just heard still specifically at the breweries. Yeah, possibly possibly. Well,
(04:07):
I am drinking what I call a quagone gin and tonic,
which is the gin and tonic with lemon and cranberry
juice delicious, A little bit, just a tad bit, yeah,
just a splash. Because he was a very like meditative,
peaceful prisons. He was also wrong. He was wrong in
(04:29):
some ways and right in other ways. Okay, sure, that's
another you don't want me to go down that I
would like to say. I feel like this is pertinent
that I actually because if we had those useless superpowers,
mine is recognizing people off of different shows in different
(04:50):
movies and connecting them. That I was able to answer
a question before Annie was. But it was for the
prequels and the upcoming Disney show with Obi Wan Kenobi.
But I was very proud. I was also very confused,
thinking that you were trying to trick me when I
was like, you don't know this, and knowing that I
was the one who knew yes the cast lineup, I
(05:12):
was also very proud. It was shocking turn of events,
but I appreciated them. It's about the casting of brew
and the Kenobi show for Disney plus if anyone's curious.
But I was just like one of those who have
been rooting for me in learning these worlds. I was
on top of this one. Y'all. Definitely she was I
(05:34):
was not getting around. I did not know. That actually
is a good segue into what we're talking about today,
which is something that I have been has been on
my mind and I've actually discussed in therapy lately, which
is feeling pathetic so fun times, and I do want
to put in here a lot of these unhappy hours.
I just want to recognize that I I realized these
(05:58):
are small, all our issues, but there are things that
I think about and deal with, and I think that
a lot of women and marginalized people do. So that
being said, there is something kind of inherently intimate about
(06:18):
podcasting and I hope that doesn't make you feel weird,
Samantha or listeners, but to me, there is because, especially
on the show like this, you're being very open with
your story and your personality and just these pieces of
yourself and then you listeners are taking that in and
(06:41):
reacting to that and maybe connecting with it and maybe not.
But when you're open about your life, it can be scary.
And we've talked about that, and there are some things
that are obviously vulnerable and frightening, right and all of you,
as always have been amazing and supportive. You continue to be.
(07:06):
I can't thank you enough for that. So this isn't
like I never want this to come across the criticism
of like the audience, because it's not. This is my
insecurity because I am I'm very open about being a nerd,
very open about it, and I'm usually pretty secure about
the fact that I'm a single woman. I'm a nerd.
(07:28):
But there are times when I share, like my love
of cinnamon rolls, as I did on the Happy Hour,
just a fan fiction trip that I love that actually
makes me really nervous um and sometimes I get my
head about it and that it's a really pathetic thing
and stupid and not worth talking about. And now everyone
(07:53):
knows it's important to me and they can pick on
me about it, and it's it's a really stupid thing,
and it's my insecurity and it's hard to shake, and
it's I've talked about before, like it's especially when it
comes to something like that. It is so important to me,
and it's so near and dear to me, and it
(08:13):
has helped me get through trauma. And I'm someone who
is very much like I connect to fictional characters and
stories and I use them to help me get through things,
and I've used them to help me get through very
difficult things. But on the surface, they're they're pretty frivolous, right,
and they're easy to make fun of. So yeah, it
(08:36):
makes me really nervous because it feels like, you know,
if if you're connecting with something that you you do
identify with so much and didn't get you through some
traumatic event and people like cut it down or dismiss it,
that they're dismissing you or trauma you went through, caveat like.
(09:00):
Of course, people can have disagreements and entertainment and you
know that's that's a whole part of it, and that
can be a fun, lovely part of it, is getting
in those kind of arguments, right, But it's it's just
odd to me that after that episode came out, how nervous, right,
(09:21):
I don't. I don't think it's odd. I think it's
absolutely when you start sharing bits of yourself and and
things that you love and things you hold and protect
m as part of your personality, it's hard. Especially again, Yeah,
you and I are in an industry, and I've talked
about this many times as in fact, recently we had
our own meeting within our company and I was more
(09:42):
nervous for that than anything else I think I've ever done.
And one of the big things that I talked about
was the fact that I'm seeing for the first time.
We've talked about this on our podcast many a time,
where I really like not being seen. I like being invisible.
That's kind of what I've worked through. That's kind of
the whole trope of being model minority is being not
seen and not starting up the pot, which is a
(10:04):
complete fallacy in itself, and it is degrading in and
what that's ideal is anyway, But when it comes to
something that you love or something that you hold personal
and true for you, and then feeling like you're just
opening up a door for people to bring in every
darkness and whether that's like a criticism or judgment on you.
(10:27):
And you've been through some hard times in general where
you've been raped over the colds for something you've loved,
so therefore you're already triggered automatically and all the defensive.
And that's a huge thing. And it's not just you,
it's a lot of people in general, and especially if
you've lived in a world of fantasy to distance yourself
from the trauma that's even more vulnerable because at least
(10:48):
that world protects you. You know, this is just a
whole big layer of conversation. And we've talked about this before.
I lived in a world of trauma where I didn't
know how to distance myself. I lied a lot. That
was my distancing and trying to get away from something
or get out of something, and that was my trauma.
And I felt like I wasn't a child, which is
really unfortunate, which is why I didn't get into the
(11:10):
fantasies of all of these things at a young age.
And so my reaction was almost the opposite and doing
whatever like I had to do to survive. But that
meant to grow up quickly with the loss of the
childhood essentially and forcing myself to realizing, oh, I'm not
a normal kid. I have to pretend like a kid.
This is not normal. I think there's a lot to
(11:30):
be said about what it looks like and the fact
that we've talked about this, like when we do get
hit with criticism, we take that as if it was
worth ten times more than someone's love for us. And
we have such amazing fans and we have so many
amazing people like when I came out with our conversation
about Atlanta shooting. The love that I got was beautiful,
(11:51):
but all I could see was, oh, but people didn't
respond as much to this as they did did this,
So that means obviously I made them uncomfortable and they
didn't accept me, which is nothing to do with that.
But that did not happen. No one said anything to me,
no one did anything to me, you know. But it
is this vulnerability makes us automatically feel like a as women,
(12:11):
as as people of the marginalized community within like l
g B two Hugh trying to find ourselves even that
allowing ourselves to be ourselves. If someone doesn't accept it,
we see that as a bigger picture than the result
of everyone else who has John loved us, and it's
it's a lot. Oh yeah, absolutely, And that again, that's
why I keep making the point, at least with in
(12:34):
my case, That's what I'm talking about right now. It
is my insecurity and I know it, and it is
like my trauma, and I know that there is also
a layer of societal expectations around women and singleness and
what you should be doing and what is weird. But
(12:56):
it's mostly yeah, my insecurity and trauma. And that's why
I have talked about it in therapy. Because I did,
it was easier for me to connect to a fictional
character and perhaps write a fan fiction of them going
through a trauma, or even writing a story which has
(13:18):
a character that is essentially me but not me and
going through that trauma because I had that like separation,
and that allowed me. In my case, it felt like
a safer way of dealing with this, and also like
in my mind, if this fictional character that I love
could go through this and people could still love them,
then it's possible for me. And I do think yeah,
(13:46):
because I mean, generally I'm fine about being the older,
single lady who's a nerdy. Generally it doesn't bother me.
But I worry that people look at me or listen
to me and think, wow, what is a single lady
who doesn't realize how pathetic she is or that something
(14:07):
must be wrong because I'm still single still in heavy
quotes um And we've talked about that a lot. We
talked about that pressure before, especially for women. Most days
it's like not, it's so not on my radar. I
don't even think about it. But Occasionally people will ask
me or make it of a conversation about it, and
it just becomes clear to me how much that is
still like the standard, and how much of an outlier
(14:30):
that it makes me an oddity almost And these these
conversations are almost always well intentioned, but they do make
me feel like there's this moment of like, oh, yeah,
oh yeah, And that's when I worry, like, oh, people
think I'm pathetic? Are that they will? Or like, yeah,
I'm having fun now, but soon she's gonna realize her
(14:52):
mistake and it's be too late and she's gonna be
sad alone and a nerd. And how pathetic well being
alert A it's not bad so that you can just
show that at the window because you're a nerd and
it's beautiful. However, I think that's to me such a
weird idea. I think, because I'm with you again, being
at this age, I've had maybe two to three serious
(15:15):
relationships in my entire life, maybe just too like I'm
party to really put Calvin in my hands, and I
don't think there's not many. And in my expectation in
my life that I was going to be the single
one the entire time and I was okay with it
and understanding that I'm a different individual and it is
what it is. Of course, I still think about at
this point, I'm thinking about, Okay, I'm not having children.
(15:37):
It's too late for me. It's come to the point
that you know, it could be a risk. And I
still don't think I won't want children. And that's at
forty so you know, we're coming to the bit of like,
it's kind of hard at this point, and but am
I going to miss out on something? I know, I
definitely have that moment of like, am I missing out
on something? But I mean, as we talked about earlier,
(15:58):
I feel good it of where I am now then
where I was five years ago. You know that I
feel at least healthy in my state of mind. And
you and I did our first very first episode was
are we failures? Have we failed because we don't want
these things or we haven't gotten these things? But absolutely
also come to the point that these are our choices,
(16:20):
and to me feels like good choices, you know, no
matter where where we are. And I think when I
see you, I see you happy, You're happy. I think
you're the happiest you've been since when I first met you,
which you were questioning a lot of things and and
trying to figure out your own place, and like trying
to figure out your sexuality, and trying to figure out
(16:42):
who and what you are and how and what you
wanted to be outside of just what you were known for.
And that's beautiful. This quarantine has been rough, but it's
been fun to watch you fall in love with what
you love like that is something that I get caught
up with you and I love teasing you. But it's
so fun to ride that coattail of what you love
(17:03):
and how much you love it, and the fact that
you love it because it's personal to you is even better.
It's so fantastic and and honestly, I don't know for
the listeners, but I do kind of know because they've
sent those responses, which has been amazing. When you get excited,
I get excited. I may not like what you like,
but I am excited with you. Like the whole journey
(17:24):
of Star Wars. We keep talking about it, and I
keep teasing about the fight. Holy crap, the amount of
Star Wars I've watched in the last year is unreal,
especially never have watched any of them until this last year.
But it's because of how much you love it that
it makes me excited. It's because of how much you
love it that makes me excited to talk about these
drinks that we're gonna make indoor, what's gonna happen with
(17:46):
dragon Con or what's not gonna happen with dragon Con?
And your love of your costumes are like, let's make
it this way, you know, bring into reality is almost
just as satisfying for me as it is for you,
because you get so excited and it's a beautiful thing.
I don't think I'm I'm never once in my mind
thought it was pathetic. And I say this as an
(18:07):
outlier of never loving these things. Oh, that's one of
my favorite things about you, Stanpa. And you've been very
supportive of me and and it's I think it's probably
clear to you now, but I don't know if it
wasn't to you in the beginning. But these are very
important to me, and it is like my love like
worson for you to support me. It's been very meaningful,
(18:30):
very very meaningful to me. But that is one of
the things that jump started this, Like, oh, I should
probably talk about this on a happy hour is. I
was somebody said, how are you going to remember your quarantine?
What did you accomplish? And I was like, I watched
a lot of Star Wars the joint that you have
brought to your friends, Like you have a large group
of people your love of the Star Wars stuff as
(18:54):
well as D and D as well as the Marvel Like, actually,
you made more connections with the relationship us that have existed,
you know, such a deeper level. It's it's really ridiculously
fled to watch where where I've like kind of drifted
And it was like, I'm kind of talking to you,
so I'm just not going to participate in this group
text Like that's where I am. And I can talk
(19:16):
about the fact that I've actually gone to see people
because people are being vaccinated and are able to travel more,
got to see family because we're vaccinated now. But I
was like, man, that's exhausting. Oh, this is gonna be
a long adjustment for me. But like the deeper level
of the people that you play D and D with,
the people you are working with, the people you love
that you haven't necessarily seen, that you keep connected your
(19:38):
close friends from school. I think it's really fun to
watch because I feel like you have made a personal
connection that couldn't have been done if we were out
and about all the time. Like it's a different thing,
and but it has everything you love. Yeah, whether it
is making a fake Star Wars world for D n
(20:01):
D or whether it's continuing that your tradition with Sunday
Sunday Sunday, which became one thing, has now become another
thing and your friends all love it with you. Yeah,
you're a trend story. I've never thought of myself as that,
but yeah, you really are from my perspective. Between the
Last of Us and the Star Wars stuff, you've become
(20:23):
a trendsetter. If we talked about the switch, I would
have never bought one had it not been for you,
I would have not really played any games. And my
partner is so excited that you brought that around. And
I do think that that's a I mean, ultimately having
that good support group is I'm and key right that
I I do have people that are into it, are
(20:45):
are at least there with me and happy to see
me happy. And I didn't mean to turn this into
a building, but no it's not. But I think everybody
wants to know that what they love is okay. And
that's that's for me. Like I laugh and my partner
laws about my repeat of like what what are you
watching now? You're watching one of these three shows apps
(21:06):
so freaking loutly that or I'm watching the same movies
over and over again because that's what I know, that's
what I do, and that's how I comfort myself. And yeah,
I kind of have a shame factor and at the
same time like, no, this is how I care for
myself and this is where we are and that's okay,
and that's okay, you know, and that's the end. It's
(21:27):
like giving yourself permission to understand even if other people
do think that's pathetic. Thank god, we're in a space
where it's like that's who are you that you don't
have to do it, so move on and that's the end.
And at the same time, like I have now in
my generation and our generation, we have more friends who
are single, we have more friends who are not having children,
(21:47):
where I have more friends who are in different types
of relationships where we can all kind of celebrate it
instead of being ashamed of it. And I'm it's we're
still very far along at the same time, at least
we've gotten to that point that we're not all expected
to be forty thirty five two children in the house
doing these things being the housekeeper or whatever, or being
(22:10):
the homemaker, which is such a weird conversation, but or
choosing to do that and still being okay. And that's
the overall thing, is our owner securities lead us to
wonder what we're doing wrong, when in actuality, that's nothing
that you're doing wrong, as long as you're being considerate
of others and finding joy and allowing people to find
joy as well. Yeah, and I think there's a lot
(22:32):
we could unpack and what you just said in a
future episode perhaps of just expectations society and on ourselves,
but also I think in the United States and probably
a lot of other countries, but particularly United States, productivity
is almost a moral thing, right right. It is like, oh,
you are rewatching Star Wars when you could be doing
this you own that third business hustling, Yeah, exactly, which
(22:57):
is a bigger conversation that perhaps we'll have of I
did what I end with this text exchange that I
because I was really depressed and I couldn't sleep a
few weeks ago and I texted Katie, you've not heard
on the show, um, one of my best friends, And
I said, do you think I will be an old
lady who still obsessed with Star Wars and Thursday after
(23:17):
Luke Skywalker? She said yes. I said do you think
that's weird? And she said no. And then I said
I don't deserve Mark Cammell and she said, yes you do, which,
by the way, I again don't have a cush on
Mark Cammell. I have a crush on Luke Skywalker, Mark Camll.
I think Mark Camil will say yes you do. And
(23:38):
the question is does anyone deserve Luke Skywalker the Cinnamon Roll?
And the answer is no, no one does. You're right
you've heard. But I remember the first time when I
was telling you about that fan fiction, I was like,
so it's Edra Bridger and Luke Skywalker, but I'm not
sure Edro deserves Luke. Can you gave me the US
(24:00):
look like? I was also very confused about who Bridge was.
That's fair, that's fair. You'll know soon enough. I do
know now I started those series. Yes, yes, look what
you have done, Look what I have Rach Well, thank
(24:23):
you as always for letting me have this space to
bringing it and cheers Happy Thursday. I hope everything Yeah,
I hope everything's going well for you listeners, and we
always truly love hearing from you. Do you like the
email as you can? Our email is Stuff Media mom
Stuff at I Heart media dot com. You can find
(24:44):
us on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You, are
on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to
our super producer, Christina, and we adore you as well
we do, and thanks to you for listening Stuff I
Ever Told you the prodection of I Heart Radio. For
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(25:20):
M
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome to stephone. Never
told your production of I Heart Radio. It is Thursday,
which means it is time for another happy hour, happy hour,
(00:27):
or maybe another unhappy hour because he's unhappy hour. Here
we go. I took this idea that was supposed to
be a very uplifting, relaxing space and was like, let
me vent do you you know what happy hours to me?
Like I told you, my friend and I used to
do the bitch and wine session because it would be
(00:50):
us having wine and just talking about whatever has gone
wrong that week or that month. That's the thing happy
hours or four whatever it needs to be. I think
that's true. I think it. There is happiness to be
found in camaraderie and relaxing with someone that you feel
comfortable with and talking about whatever is on your mind. Yeah.
(01:10):
I'm just happy to be in your presence too. What
bemoan whatever happened or celebrate what might have happened. Yes,
well today we're doing a lot of bemoaning. Yes, let's go,
and as always, drink responsibility if you so choose. If
you are looking to drink something non alcoholic, we support
(01:30):
whatever you want to do. To relax and wind down
with us in these happy hours, even if that is
just sitting down, taking your breath and hopefully I don't know,
I don't know if participating is correct, but commiserating and
feeling that type of camaraderie. There you go. Yeah, So
(01:51):
what are you sitting on, Samantha. I am actually doing
a hard Selser today, and I'm keeping it real low
key with the truly mm hmmm, I think that's the
That's the original hard Seltzer, right, is it? White Claw? Truly?
White Claw is probably the original. I have no idea,
(02:13):
but I'm keeping as simple because I've also run out
of a lot of the beers and we do have
some things coming up and I'm saving those for us
to feature these different beverages. So right now, being is
it the word basic when it comes to brand Seltzer's,
(02:36):
I mean that that actually could be. We could unpack
that in a whole episode about what's basic means and
who it's been used against why, And you know, because
Seltzers are popular, I feel like a lot of things
like that that get popular but are associated with women
do get branded as this like almost worthless or embarrassing
(02:57):
thing to like right, I will say our local brewery,
Monday Night Brewery is offering free twelve pack Seltzers that
they have made for those who are vaccinated through the
month of April. So if you're in Atlanta, coming through
Atlanta and you have a vaccination card through April, they're
(03:20):
offering this is not sponsored, and they probably wouldn't love
the fact that we're telling a lot of people do,
but not a lot of our audiences in Atlanta. But
if you do come through Atlanta, apparently they're offering a
twelve pack of their salts are hard Selzer, which are delicious,
are called nar waters, very adorable, and they're offering it
for free, So kudos. Hey, I get my second shot
(03:42):
next Wednesday. So not only can you go grab yourself
a hard Sealzer, you can grab yourself that donut. Donut.
And what was the other thing I heard? Oh? Sam
Adams is also doing beer? Are they? Okay? I'm not
I'm not suing the details of that one, but I
just heard still specifically at the breweries. Yeah, possibly possibly. Well,
(04:07):
I am drinking what I call a quagone gin and tonic,
which is the gin and tonic with lemon and cranberry
juice delicious, A little bit, just a tad bit, yeah,
just a splash. Because he was a very like meditative,
peaceful prisons. He was also wrong. He was wrong in
(04:29):
some ways and right in other ways. Okay, sure, that's
another you don't want me to go down that I
would like to say. I feel like this is pertinent
that I actually because if we had those useless superpowers,
mine is recognizing people off of different shows in different
(04:50):
movies and connecting them. That I was able to answer
a question before Annie was. But it was for the
prequels and the upcoming Disney show with Obi Wan Kenobi.
But I was very proud. I was also very confused,
thinking that you were trying to trick me when I
was like, you don't know this, and knowing that I
was the one who knew yes the cast lineup, I
(05:12):
was also very proud. It was shocking turn of events,
but I appreciated them. It's about the casting of brew
and the Kenobi show for Disney plus if anyone's curious.
But I was just like one of those who have
been rooting for me in learning these worlds. I was
on top of this one. Y'all. Definitely she was I
(05:34):
was not getting around. I did not know. That actually
is a good segue into what we're talking about today,
which is something that I have been has been on
my mind and I've actually discussed in therapy lately, which
is feeling pathetic so fun times, and I do want
to put in here a lot of these unhappy hours.
I just want to recognize that I I realized these
(05:58):
are small, all our issues, but there are things that
I think about and deal with, and I think that
a lot of women and marginalized people do. So that
being said, there is something kind of inherently intimate about
(06:18):
podcasting and I hope that doesn't make you feel weird,
Samantha or listeners, but to me, there is because, especially
on the show like this, you're being very open with
your story and your personality and just these pieces of
yourself and then you listeners are taking that in and
(06:41):
reacting to that and maybe connecting with it and maybe not.
But when you're open about your life, it can be scary.
And we've talked about that, and there are some things
that are obviously vulnerable and frightening, right and all of you,
as always have been amazing and supportive. You continue to be.
(07:06):
I can't thank you enough for that. So this isn't
like I never want this to come across the criticism
of like the audience, because it's not. This is my
insecurity because I am I'm very open about being a nerd,
very open about it, and I'm usually pretty secure about
the fact that I'm a single woman. I'm a nerd.
(07:28):
But there are times when I share, like my love
of cinnamon rolls, as I did on the Happy Hour,
just a fan fiction trip that I love that actually
makes me really nervous um and sometimes I get my
head about it and that it's a really pathetic thing
and stupid and not worth talking about. And now everyone
(07:53):
knows it's important to me and they can pick on
me about it, and it's it's a really stupid thing,
and it's my insecurity and it's hard to shake, and
it's I've talked about before, like it's especially when it
comes to something like that. It is so important to me,
and it's so near and dear to me, and it
(08:13):
has helped me get through trauma. And I'm someone who
is very much like I connect to fictional characters and
stories and I use them to help me get through things,
and I've used them to help me get through very
difficult things. But on the surface, they're they're pretty frivolous, right,
and they're easy to make fun of. So yeah, it
(08:36):
makes me really nervous because it feels like, you know,
if if you're connecting with something that you you do
identify with so much and didn't get you through some
traumatic event and people like cut it down or dismiss it,
that they're dismissing you or trauma you went through, caveat like.
(09:00):
Of course, people can have disagreements and entertainment and you
know that's that's a whole part of it, and that
can be a fun, lovely part of it, is getting
in those kind of arguments, right, But it's it's just
odd to me that after that episode came out, how nervous, right,
(09:21):
I don't. I don't think it's odd. I think it's
absolutely when you start sharing bits of yourself and and
things that you love and things you hold and protect
m as part of your personality, it's hard. Especially again, Yeah,
you and I are in an industry, and I've talked
about this many times as in fact, recently we had
our own meeting within our company and I was more
(09:42):
nervous for that than anything else I think I've ever done.
And one of the big things that I talked about
was the fact that I'm seeing for the first time.
We've talked about this on our podcast many a time,
where I really like not being seen. I like being invisible.
That's kind of what I've worked through. That's kind of
the whole trope of being model minority is being not
seen and not starting up the pot, which is a
(10:04):
complete fallacy in itself, and it is degrading in and
what that's ideal is anyway, But when it comes to
something that you love or something that you hold personal
and true for you, and then feeling like you're just
opening up a door for people to bring in every
darkness and whether that's like a criticism or judgment on you.
(10:27):
And you've been through some hard times in general where
you've been raped over the colds for something you've loved,
so therefore you're already triggered automatically and all the defensive.
And that's a huge thing. And it's not just you,
it's a lot of people in general, and especially if
you've lived in a world of fantasy to distance yourself
from the trauma that's even more vulnerable because at least
(10:48):
that world protects you. You know, this is just a
whole big layer of conversation. And we've talked about this before.
I lived in a world of trauma where I didn't
know how to distance myself. I lied a lot. That
was my distancing and trying to get away from something
or get out of something, and that was my trauma.
And I felt like I wasn't a child, which is
really unfortunate, which is why I didn't get into the
(11:10):
fantasies of all of these things at a young age.
And so my reaction was almost the opposite and doing
whatever like I had to do to survive. But that
meant to grow up quickly with the loss of the
childhood essentially and forcing myself to realizing, oh, I'm not
a normal kid. I have to pretend like a kid.
This is not normal. I think there's a lot to
(11:30):
be said about what it looks like and the fact
that we've talked about this, like when we do get
hit with criticism, we take that as if it was
worth ten times more than someone's love for us. And
we have such amazing fans and we have so many
amazing people like when I came out with our conversation
about Atlanta shooting. The love that I got was beautiful,
(11:51):
but all I could see was, oh, but people didn't
respond as much to this as they did did this,
So that means obviously I made them uncomfortable and they
didn't accept me, which is nothing to do with that.
But that did not happen. No one said anything to me,
no one did anything to me, you know. But it
is this vulnerability makes us automatically feel like a as women,
(12:11):
as as people of the marginalized community within like l
g B two Hugh trying to find ourselves even that
allowing ourselves to be ourselves. If someone doesn't accept it,
we see that as a bigger picture than the result
of everyone else who has John loved us, and it's
it's a lot. Oh yeah, absolutely, And that again, that's
why I keep making the point, at least with in
(12:34):
my case, That's what I'm talking about right now. It
is my insecurity and I know it, and it is
like my trauma, and I know that there is also
a layer of societal expectations around women and singleness and
what you should be doing and what is weird. But
(12:56):
it's mostly yeah, my insecurity and trauma. And that's why
I have talked about it in therapy. Because I did,
it was easier for me to connect to a fictional
character and perhaps write a fan fiction of them going
through a trauma, or even writing a story which has
(13:18):
a character that is essentially me but not me and
going through that trauma because I had that like separation,
and that allowed me. In my case, it felt like
a safer way of dealing with this, and also like
in my mind, if this fictional character that I love
could go through this and people could still love them,
then it's possible for me. And I do think yeah,
(13:46):
because I mean, generally I'm fine about being the older,
single lady who's a nerdy. Generally it doesn't bother me.
But I worry that people look at me or listen
to me and think, wow, what is a single lady
who doesn't realize how pathetic she is or that something
(14:07):
must be wrong because I'm still single still in heavy
quotes um And we've talked about that a lot. We
talked about that pressure before, especially for women. Most days
it's like not, it's so not on my radar. I
don't even think about it. But Occasionally people will ask
me or make it of a conversation about it, and
it just becomes clear to me how much that is
still like the standard, and how much of an outlier
(14:30):
that it makes me an oddity almost And these these
conversations are almost always well intentioned, but they do make
me feel like there's this moment of like, oh, yeah,
oh yeah, And that's when I worry, like, oh, people
think I'm pathetic? Are that they will? Or like, yeah,
I'm having fun now, but soon she's gonna realize her
(14:52):
mistake and it's be too late and she's gonna be
sad alone and a nerd. And how pathetic well being
alert A it's not bad so that you can just
show that at the window because you're a nerd and
it's beautiful. However, I think that's to me such a
weird idea. I think, because I'm with you again, being
at this age, I've had maybe two to three serious
(15:15):
relationships in my entire life, maybe just too like I'm
party to really put Calvin in my hands, and I
don't think there's not many. And in my expectation in
my life that I was going to be the single
one the entire time and I was okay with it
and understanding that I'm a different individual and it is
what it is. Of course, I still think about at
this point, I'm thinking about, Okay, I'm not having children.
(15:37):
It's too late for me. It's come to the point
that you know, it could be a risk. And I
still don't think I won't want children. And that's at
forty so you know, we're coming to the bit of like,
it's kind of hard at this point, and but am
I going to miss out on something? I know, I
definitely have that moment of like, am I missing out
on something? But I mean, as we talked about earlier,
(15:58):
I feel good it of where I am now then
where I was five years ago. You know that I
feel at least healthy in my state of mind. And
you and I did our first very first episode was
are we failures? Have we failed because we don't want
these things or we haven't gotten these things? But absolutely
also come to the point that these are our choices,
(16:20):
and to me feels like good choices, you know, no
matter where where we are. And I think when I
see you, I see you happy, You're happy. I think
you're the happiest you've been since when I first met you,
which you were questioning a lot of things and and
trying to figure out your own place, and like trying
to figure out your sexuality, and trying to figure out
(16:42):
who and what you are and how and what you
wanted to be outside of just what you were known for.
And that's beautiful. This quarantine has been rough, but it's
been fun to watch you fall in love with what
you love like that is something that I get caught
up with you and I love teasing you. But it's
so fun to ride that coattail of what you love
(17:03):
and how much you love it, and the fact that
you love it because it's personal to you is even better.
It's so fantastic and and honestly, I don't know for
the listeners, but I do kind of know because they've
sent those responses, which has been amazing. When you get excited,
I get excited. I may not like what you like,
but I am excited with you. Like the whole journey
(17:24):
of Star Wars. We keep talking about it, and I
keep teasing about the fight. Holy crap, the amount of
Star Wars I've watched in the last year is unreal,
especially never have watched any of them until this last year.
But it's because of how much you love it that
it makes me excited. It's because of how much you
love it that makes me excited to talk about these
drinks that we're gonna make indoor, what's gonna happen with
(17:46):
dragon Con or what's not gonna happen with dragon Con?
And your love of your costumes are like, let's make
it this way, you know, bring into reality is almost
just as satisfying for me as it is for you,
because you get so excited and it's a beautiful thing.
I don't think I'm I'm never once in my mind
thought it was pathetic. And I say this as an
(18:07):
outlier of never loving these things. Oh, that's one of
my favorite things about you, Stanpa. And you've been very
supportive of me and and it's I think it's probably
clear to you now, but I don't know if it
wasn't to you in the beginning. But these are very
important to me, and it is like my love like
worson for you to support me. It's been very meaningful,
(18:30):
very very meaningful to me. But that is one of
the things that jump started this, Like, oh, I should
probably talk about this on a happy hour is. I
was somebody said, how are you going to remember your quarantine?
What did you accomplish? And I was like, I watched
a lot of Star Wars the joint that you have
brought to your friends, Like you have a large group
of people your love of the Star Wars stuff as
(18:54):
well as D and D as well as the Marvel Like, actually,
you made more connections with the relationship us that have existed,
you know, such a deeper level. It's it's really ridiculously
fled to watch where where I've like kind of drifted
And it was like, I'm kind of talking to you,
so I'm just not going to participate in this group
text Like that's where I am. And I can talk
(19:16):
about the fact that I've actually gone to see people
because people are being vaccinated and are able to travel more,
got to see family because we're vaccinated now. But I
was like, man, that's exhausting. Oh, this is gonna be
a long adjustment for me. But like the deeper level
of the people that you play D and D with,
the people you are working with, the people you love
that you haven't necessarily seen, that you keep connected your
(19:38):
close friends from school. I think it's really fun to
watch because I feel like you have made a personal
connection that couldn't have been done if we were out
and about all the time. Like it's a different thing,
and but it has everything you love. Yeah, whether it
is making a fake Star Wars world for D n
(20:01):
D or whether it's continuing that your tradition with Sunday
Sunday Sunday, which became one thing, has now become another
thing and your friends all love it with you. Yeah,
you're a trend story. I've never thought of myself as that,
but yeah, you really are from my perspective. Between the
Last of Us and the Star Wars stuff, you've become
(20:23):
a trendsetter. If we talked about the switch, I would
have never bought one had it not been for you,
I would have not really played any games. And my
partner is so excited that you brought that around. And
I do think that that's a I mean, ultimately having
that good support group is I'm and key right that
I I do have people that are into it, are
(20:45):
are at least there with me and happy to see
me happy. And I didn't mean to turn this into
a building, but no it's not. But I think everybody
wants to know that what they love is okay. And
that's that's for me. Like I laugh and my partner
laws about my repeat of like what what are you
watching now? You're watching one of these three shows apps
(21:06):
so freaking loutly that or I'm watching the same movies
over and over again because that's what I know, that's
what I do, and that's how I comfort myself. And yeah,
I kind of have a shame factor and at the
same time like, no, this is how I care for
myself and this is where we are and that's okay,
and that's okay, you know, and that's the end. It's
(21:27):
like giving yourself permission to understand even if other people
do think that's pathetic. Thank god, we're in a space
where it's like that's who are you that you don't
have to do it, so move on and that's the end.
And at the same time, like I have now in
my generation and our generation, we have more friends who
are single, we have more friends who are not having children,
(21:47):
where I have more friends who are in different types
of relationships where we can all kind of celebrate it
instead of being ashamed of it. And I'm it's we're
still very far along at the same time, at least
we've gotten to that point that we're not all expected
to be forty thirty five two children in the house
doing these things being the housekeeper or whatever, or being
(22:10):
the homemaker, which is such a weird conversation, but or
choosing to do that and still being okay. And that's
the overall thing, is our owner securities lead us to
wonder what we're doing wrong, when in actuality, that's nothing
that you're doing wrong, as long as you're being considerate
of others and finding joy and allowing people to find
joy as well. Yeah, and I think there's a lot
(22:32):
we could unpack and what you just said in a
future episode perhaps of just expectations society and on ourselves,
but also I think in the United States and probably
a lot of other countries, but particularly United States, productivity
is almost a moral thing, right right. It is like, oh,
you are rewatching Star Wars when you could be doing
this you own that third business hustling, Yeah, exactly, which
(22:57):
is a bigger conversation that perhaps we'll have of I
did what I end with this text exchange that I
because I was really depressed and I couldn't sleep a
few weeks ago and I texted Katie, you've not heard
on the show, um, one of my best friends, And
I said, do you think I will be an old
lady who still obsessed with Star Wars and Thursday after
(23:17):
Luke Skywalker? She said yes. I said do you think
that's weird? And she said no. And then I said
I don't deserve Mark Cammell and she said, yes you do, which,
by the way, I again don't have a cush on
Mark Cammell. I have a crush on Luke Skywalker, Mark Camll.
I think Mark Camil will say yes you do. And
(23:38):
the question is does anyone deserve Luke Skywalker the Cinnamon Roll?
And the answer is no, no one does. You're right
you've heard. But I remember the first time when I
was telling you about that fan fiction, I was like,
so it's Edra Bridger and Luke Skywalker, but I'm not
sure Edro deserves Luke. Can you gave me the US
(24:00):
look like? I was also very confused about who Bridge was.
That's fair, that's fair. You'll know soon enough. I do
know now I started those series. Yes, yes, look what
you have done, Look what I have Rach Well, thank
(24:23):
you as always for letting me have this space to
bringing it and cheers Happy Thursday. I hope everything Yeah,
I hope everything's going well for you listeners, and we
always truly love hearing from you. Do you like the
email as you can? Our email is Stuff Media mom
Stuff at I Heart media dot com. You can find
(24:44):
us on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You, are
on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to
our super producer, Christina, and we adore you as well
we do, and thanks to you for listening Stuff I
Ever Told you the prodection of I Heart Radio. For
more podcasts from I Heard Radio, Visit That I Heard Aradio,
app podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
(25:20):
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