February 18, 2021 • 20 mins
What does it mean for women when we call them dead inside? As we wind down the week with another happy hour, we talk about expectations around performative emoting for women.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to stuff
I've never told you protection of I Heart Radio. So
today's Thursday. True, it really is Thursday. It is actually
a Thursday. That it's not a podcaster lie. In this case,
(00:27):
it is a dark and rainy Thursday here in Atlanta,
which means it's time for another Sminty happy hour. And
so we're we're going to in this series, as we said,
We're gonna sit and try to relax and drink whatever
that may be for you, that's something that calms you,
or maybe you just like to sit and sort of
take a moment for yourself and have this hopefully calming
(00:51):
fun time with us. So yeah, please join in. I
am drinking whiskey soda because my co host, Over and Safer,
she convinced me to get a soda stream, not a sponsor,
but she convinced to get a soda stream. So I've
been experimenting with a bunch of drinks with that and
I'm drinking it out of my very nerdy Star Wars cup,
(01:12):
which my mom found for me and she just finds
like random Star Wars stuff and gives it to me
all the time. Well, let me go ahead and open
mind you already. Oh yeah, I do too. I think
it's one of the best sounds. But I just opened
the blue moon Light Sky. Also not a sponsor. None
of these are what we have in our refrigerator. I
(01:35):
was trying to keep it light and I love a
good uh tangerine peel citrusy wheat beer. I'm actually shoving
a slice of orange in mine, actually blood orange class.
Yeah I didn't. I don't have that. It's a sound effect.
Oh too bad. I'm not sure people want to hear
the mushing of an orange into a can, and I'm
(01:56):
not sure that's the thing. But yeah, so I wanted
to be a little more freshing and light today. Yeah see,
I chose the whiskey because of the topic. But I'm
kicking off my version of a happy hour with a
slightly unhappy hour. I think it'll be enjoyable. I think
people will be able to really relate to this. But
in these segments, while we are highlighting women in the
(02:18):
beverage industry and some of them, some of them were
just gonna have conversations while we're relaxing with whatever drink,
and for mine, a lot of it will be nerd
themed as as it's not a surprise to anyone, and
I'm still workshopping names for it. I really like Annie's
Nerd Corner. That was great. Annie's Nerd Corner sounds like
(02:38):
a piece in a PBS like variety show, you know,
like and now it's time for Annie's Nerd Corner and
the camera pivots and I'm like there and the lights
are too bright and there's all these books around me,
and I got way too big of glasses on the
glasses I'm wearing today. I like your glasses. Well, I've
meant to bring mine. I used to wear glasses and
(03:00):
I thought they looked really good on but it was
probably way off. So yes, as we're winding down the
week having this happy hour slash unhappy hour, I did
want to talk about something that's been on my mind lately.
And I know Samantha and I we've talked about it before,
and it's this whole dead inside idea and especially how
(03:23):
it applies to women, because that's sort of our thing
here because lately, I mean, it's it's it's almost a
joke and empty to say, but it's just been rough.
It's been tough times for pretty much everybody. And there's
this running joke among my friends that I am dead
inside because of the way I handle thinks. And it's
(03:45):
never anything that I'm like hurt by generally, but it's just, yeah,
it's something that I think about. And it's weird because
you know, Samantha, I feel things like really strongly. I
was gonna say, I have never put that as a
descriptor for you of being unemotional or being dead inside,
because you have passions upon passions and uh, you have
(04:08):
strong opinions on things. The things that you don't have
an opinion on is definitely a blank space and it
is the opposite of what you you know. Like for
some people, let's say I know a little about a lot,
you know a lot about a little. Like that's kind
of that in the like your world is very specific
and it's not beautiful and not a little because you
(04:30):
know a lot in general. But that's what I mean,
Like you focus in and then you hone in and
you know everything about it. And that's where I'm like,
I'll dabble in something, Okay, that's enough and I'll move on.
That may not be an expert on it, So it's
interesting yeah, yeah, I mean certainly that's how people will
engage in things like this is the level of people.
(04:52):
Some people like things on a more superficial like I
like this and that's good enough, and then other people
like me are like, I like this, and now I
must know and all the fan fixture I must ranked
about the things that will never happen, but I want
to see happen. I mean, it's gotten to the point
that on specific topics, I'll be like, you are limited.
You cannot write more than this. She has put a
(05:13):
limit on the listeners. Not because we don't want all
that information. It is just like, okay, now there's gonna
be a six part episode on one small subject. Yeah,
we've gotta we've gotta pull it back. Yeah, I mean,
it's entirely fair. And that's one thing. As someone who
does like, really really enjoy things, perhaps to a level
that most people, I won't say most people, but is
(05:36):
a bit more than a lot of people. Sometimes I
have a hard time differentiating between what is actually interesting
and relevant. No, the thing is like, the things that
you bring out are very interesting to me, for sure.
It's kind of like, okay, but we have to come back, right, yes,
circle background, like no, absolutely, no, that is something I know.
(05:56):
There's an issue that I am aware of. Is an
issue because I will sit and I think, this is
why our relationship works. I will hear you, and then
you will continue on and then I'll put in a
question here and there. But I feel like I've learned
something and I didn't have to do any of the work. Thanks.
It's all I'm just trying to help you ultimately, and
I'm good with it. We'll see. That's the thing, because
I do love things so much until like when we
(06:17):
did the Princess Leiah episode, for example, I wanted to
share it with you. I wanted to tell you about it,
like I get yeah. So so that's kind of this
textposition if I have that and I have these strong
emotional things, and I personally wouldn't describe myself as dead inside,
but there is like when I encounter situations that are intense,
(06:39):
especially in real world, because I'll say, I'll watch like
a TV show and I'll cry and cry and cry,
but like in the real world, is something sad happens.
I'm very stoic often like I'm pretty and and that
that will break eventually and I will cry or whatever
it is. But I think also a part of it
is obligation. If if I feel like there's an obligation
to react a certain way emotionally, then it's like I
(07:00):
close up and I don't do it, and that feels
weird because people do expect, and we've talked about this before,
especially for women, they do expect that you're going to
emote a certain way often, but if you emote too much,
of it too dramatic exactly, And I think maybe that's
part of what it is, like there's a tension in me,
(07:23):
whereas for so long we've had that thrown against us
as women, of being too emotional, being too dramatic. And
I am very awesome. I'm very emotional person. I am,
and I'm not ashamed of that. But I think maybe internalized,
especially younger, that it was better to be stoic because
that is more masculine. You don't want to be the emotional,
(07:44):
crying woman, right, And I think that I'll have moments
where I just feel really weird, like something is wrong
with me because and the most obvious example I can
think of as dogs and I know, I know, I know,
I know, I liked I want to say that, Okay,
I like dogs, but I don't have the thing like
it's not my thing. I don't stop and I'm like
a dog, like there's no I don't feel that, and
(08:06):
I see it in people and I just don't whatever
that is, it's not happening for me. Sometimes it does,
it's like a super cute dog, but generally I'm just
kind of like, there's a dog, which is the reaction
I get every time I try to show you a
video of a dog. I was doing something cute and
you're like, oh nice, yeah, because I and I know,
(08:28):
like I don't get it, like that feeling, and I
totally get wanting to share that and and I think
that's a part of why I keep bringing this up,
even though it has gotten me in trouble on the
internet before. It is because it does make me feel weird.
It does make me feel like something is off with me,
and it's like I'm searching for you're supposed to react
to certain way, and it's not there. And in that moment,
(08:50):
it does feel like I'm dead inside because there's nothing.
There's nothing there, and it does make me feel like,
as a woman, that this should be there and again,
it's all internalized. But like, I'm also the same with babies,
and I also like babies, and I have friends with
kids whom I adore and I think the cutest, smartest,
(09:11):
sweetest things. But I just don't feel whatever it is
people are expecting. So then I have to act and pretend,
and then I feel like I'm just a big faker,
and that's not a good feeling either. All right, I'm
with you on the baby. I am very fairly vocal
about that. Not that I will tell anybody their babies
ugly or anything, but I'm like, Okay, beauty of life,
(09:31):
you do your thing, this is what you want. I'm
so happy for you. But for me it's I'm like,
I've never wanted, like really wanted a child like I
thought I did, because that's what we're supposed to want
coming entire womanhood. Our woman hit is to give birth
and put our hips to use, you know what I mean? Um,
And I definitely would say I had birthing hips, according
to many a mama's who or grandmama's who have told
(09:53):
me so. But yeah, I don't react that way either.
I have to do a lot of acting to be like,
oh right, um, And I think a part of that
is because of my background and seeing really awful families
and the like. Just because you brought the child doesn't
mean we need to celebrate this, you know, like it's
kind of one of those moments. But then again, yeah,
(10:14):
I love the couples when I see that are genuinely happy,
I'm happy for them. I'm like, oh my god, this
makes you happy. That's beautiful. Outside of that, they don't
make me tear up. I don't necessarily not pushing like
I'm definitely pushing the age that it's getting too late
technically biologically, and I'm okay with that. Yeah, you know,
and I think that's but yeah, I'm with you. I
(10:34):
feel like I'm supposed to be these things. My mother
made me feel like I was losing a piece of
myself when I said I was okay with not having
children and being told repeatedly you're going to die alone.
So you know, yeah, there is that. There is that,
And you know, even admitting this out loud is kind
of scary to me, to be honest, because I want
(10:56):
to be really clear on this. It's not like if
you show me a baby and to a lesser extent,
a dog, especially if I know you and I care
about you. It's not like I'm like not feeling anything.
And when I say acting, I it's just that I
feel like I have to act way over the top,
you know, like it has to be huge. The reaction
has to be huge, and you know this is a
(11:17):
huge deal and it deserves to be. But in that
space of like me just being like all the kid
is so cute and feeling this like quiet sentiment of
being moved and happy and like your heart is really full,
people can't see that, so you have to like act it.
I have that way about gifts. Oh yeah, I like
to be prepared about what am I going to get
(11:38):
because the initial reaction I I don't know if there's
something stunted in mean that I can't react at the moment,
and I feel very like I'm very stoic and calm,
so showing excitement it's also something I have a problem with.
So I hear you on this, because then this is
a good and bad where if it's a bad situation
and everybody's panicking, I am not. I'm the one that's
(11:58):
quietly sitting around. They're trying to figure out what's going
on and then after the fact then I'll have a
meltdown maybe. But I'm the same way even with joyful situations.
So let's say I come in to a birthday surprise, which,
by the way, I don't like surprises. I don't know
how to react. My initial reaction is are we fighting?
We're fighting? I'm fighting? Are you yelling at me? What's
(12:19):
going on? Like that's my initial reaction, and I have
to situation and my reaction is delayed. But on the
same way with gifts. So I'm supposed to act surprise
and so happy and maybe but I can't get there
or they really hate it and I'm trying to hide them.
It's really and so the fear of like doing that
is one of the things I hate the most. So
I'd like to know ahead of time, just to prepare myself. Yeah,
(12:43):
and I wonder, I bet there's something to do with
like the trauma or past there, because for me, there's
like this moment of you go inside yourself and you think,
what is the proper way to react, like what is
the safe proper reaction here? And because you're doing that,
you're like taking a step out of your natural how
you would perhaps I mean that's the same I think,
like the reactive attachment disorder, which I'm pretty sure I
(13:04):
was a young child I could have been diagnosed to that.
And we've talked about attachment disorders before. I don't think
I've talked about this woe in our Trauma series. It
literally is everything is a performance and trying to read
other people's reaction, Like that's my initial setback as watching
you watching me. Yeah, yeah, I feel similarly, and and
(13:24):
I have. I mean, my friends are really good because
I remember one, like I've told this story before my friends.
She was really drunk, but she came out to me
and I was just kind of like, oh cool, and
I had called a lift already and I kind of
gotten a lift and she freaked out because she was like,
oh my god, what does she think? And my other
friend was like, you know, Annie, Annie just takes things
and stride like and I was, yeah, so happy for her.
(13:46):
But I do get that a lot. And that's something
else that kind of causes me tension about this whole
conversation is there is that joke but kind of assumption
that if you behave in that way, or if you
don't like animals, for instance, you're a sociopath, like something
is wrong with you, and I'll feel it like I
(14:06):
have internalized that, and I will think something is wrong.
You should be feeling this way, and that We've talked
about the problem with should so much. But that, yeah,
that has been coming up a lot lately because people
have been you know, we're honored Zoo happy Hours or whatever.
People show me pictures of things and I do, I
just I feel it, but it's so like muted, and
I'm like, something's wrong with you. You You should be way happy? Right.
(14:28):
I think the differences though, and I say this and
like again, I come to you and send you things
that bring you joy, which most people do. As you've
talked about the fact that all these analysis are coming
out between Marvel stuff, between the Star Wars stuff and
the Last of Us two stuff, And I know people
are sending your messages left and right, and I've sent
you two or three of them in the last day.
(14:51):
But that's the day say that this is the joy
in the reaction, so we know what brings you joy
and in that part, and that's okay. That's the thing
is that I think what people need to realize in
the actual level of what it is is we need
to give people joy as much as they need to
give us joy, and so being able to do that
for you is something that people should be able to
see just as much as I Joe will send me,
(15:13):
My partner will send me many a dog videos. He
knows how much I love I love these, especially the
silly ones that cat. I don't know if you've seen
the viral cat po the dude who couldn't get the
cat off me and him saying I'm not a cat.
I laughed hysterically. I thought it was hilarious. But like
stuff like that, it brings that joy and that's great
(15:33):
and that's fine, And just because you don't enjoy the
same thing should not inspire them like that person is
not nice or we're not going to be friends because
this person is doesn't believe the same thing, or doesn't
like not believe, doesn't like the same thing I do.
And that's a whole different conversation. Especially again, this is
also another conversation about using any type of mental health
stuff as a weapon against people, which is both in
(15:54):
itself um and that needs to be broken down in
its entirety because that is it is definitely divisive and
and and insensitive to those that are struggling with these things,
and they still want to try to be human, you
know what I mean. Like sociopath is a whole different
conversation in itself, of course, but when we talk about
mental health stuff and being in regard to that way,
(16:15):
it's a dangerous line when you start poking it as
this is this person because of one small incident or
one small reaction that they did you didn't like, Yeah, yeah,
And I definitely, oh for sure, that is a that
is a big topic. And I think like part of
this is too, that nurturing aspect of being a woman,
(16:36):
so like dogs or pets or babies just fits so
naturally into that, So it does. That's another layer of
it of expecting this thing from women. And since I'm
not necessarily I like, I'm not emoting as they expect
um for these nurturing things, there's like a gendered layer
two of that um. And we've talked about like grieving
(16:59):
and you know how people greave in different ways and
and people present emotions in different ways. And when I
was thinking about this, like on on the flip side
of all of what we're talking about is men being
limited and what emotions they can show in terms of
this joy or happiness or just in general m other
(17:19):
than stoy SYSM. But I do think there's more of
a like, oh, how brave when men are emotional, right
as compared to women in any like being emotional or
not being emotionalitis is not a conversation, and that might
be one of the things that could talk about the
fact that women are more likely to give you credit,
(17:39):
So therefore a man is doing something that is worthy
of credit, women are the ones that's going to call
it out first, as very usual, So it's a whole
different thing because men are not gonna call women out
for something unless it's bashing on other women. Like it's
kind of a whole competitive nature. But I think in itself,
when we talk about being honest and out front, it
is okay for women to be accepting as well as,
(18:01):
as you said, nurturing. So therefore complimenting is nurturing and
bringing up and that's that kind of like, oh my god,
this is also like that level of gender roles, right, Yeah,
gender roles hurt everyone everyone. Yeah, So that's that's just
sort of what's been on my mind around that and
again these are our opinions because yeah, I'm working through
(18:22):
a lot of this stuff, So nothing is wrong with
being super excited man or woman about any of the thing.
And it's joyful and that brings you joy. Keep doing
it as long as you're not hurting someone else. Yes,
always yeah, so cheers. Yeah, thanks for letting me have
this sort of unhappy hour. But my next one is
(18:45):
gonna be really fun. It's going to be a fan
fictions fun. It's going to say that, Okay, this one
is fun. Don't say that. Okay, this one was necessary. Oh,
thank you, thank you. Um, and I hope that some
of you listeners can relate and and as we do
these happy hours, we would love to hear ideas from
you what we'd like to see. We've already gotten some
interest and perhaps watching sex in the City on some
(19:07):
of them down. I know you are. I'm down too.
I would love it. But we want to we want
to do things that you want to hear and do,
so please keep those suggestions coming. We hope that you
have enjoyed this and you're having relaxing at least a
little bit time in your day perhaps, And yeah, we
would love to hear from you. Our email is Stuff Media,
(19:28):
mom Stuff at I heart media dot com. You can
also find us on Instagram and Stuff I've Never Told
You are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as
always to our super producer Christina. Thank you, Christina, and
thanks to you for listening Stuff I Never Told You
the protection of I Heart Radio. For more podcast when
I Heart Radio, visu I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite ships
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to stuff
I've never told you protection of I Heart Radio. So
today's Thursday. True, it really is Thursday. It is actually
a Thursday. That it's not a podcaster lie. In this case,
(00:27):
it is a dark and rainy Thursday here in Atlanta,
which means it's time for another Sminty happy hour. And
so we're we're going to in this series, as we said,
We're gonna sit and try to relax and drink whatever
that may be for you, that's something that calms you,
or maybe you just like to sit and sort of
take a moment for yourself and have this hopefully calming
(00:51):
fun time with us. So yeah, please join in. I
am drinking whiskey soda because my co host, Over and Safer,
she convinced me to get a soda stream, not a sponsor,
but she convinced to get a soda stream. So I've
been experimenting with a bunch of drinks with that and
I'm drinking it out of my very nerdy Star Wars cup,
(01:12):
which my mom found for me and she just finds
like random Star Wars stuff and gives it to me
all the time. Well, let me go ahead and open
mind you already. Oh yeah, I do too. I think
it's one of the best sounds. But I just opened
the blue moon Light Sky. Also not a sponsor. None
of these are what we have in our refrigerator. I
(01:35):
was trying to keep it light and I love a
good uh tangerine peel citrusy wheat beer. I'm actually shoving
a slice of orange in mine, actually blood orange class.
Yeah I didn't. I don't have that. It's a sound effect.
Oh too bad. I'm not sure people want to hear
the mushing of an orange into a can, and I'm
(01:56):
not sure that's the thing. But yeah, so I wanted
to be a little more freshing and light today. Yeah see,
I chose the whiskey because of the topic. But I'm
kicking off my version of a happy hour with a
slightly unhappy hour. I think it'll be enjoyable. I think
people will be able to really relate to this. But
in these segments, while we are highlighting women in the
(02:18):
beverage industry and some of them, some of them were
just gonna have conversations while we're relaxing with whatever drink,
and for mine, a lot of it will be nerd
themed as as it's not a surprise to anyone, and
I'm still workshopping names for it. I really like Annie's
Nerd Corner. That was great. Annie's Nerd Corner sounds like
(02:38):
a piece in a PBS like variety show, you know,
like and now it's time for Annie's Nerd Corner and
the camera pivots and I'm like there and the lights
are too bright and there's all these books around me,
and I got way too big of glasses on the
glasses I'm wearing today. I like your glasses. Well, I've
meant to bring mine. I used to wear glasses and
(03:00):
I thought they looked really good on but it was
probably way off. So yes, as we're winding down the
week having this happy hour slash unhappy hour, I did
want to talk about something that's been on my mind lately.
And I know Samantha and I we've talked about it before,
and it's this whole dead inside idea and especially how
(03:23):
it applies to women, because that's sort of our thing
here because lately, I mean, it's it's it's almost a
joke and empty to say, but it's just been rough.
It's been tough times for pretty much everybody. And there's
this running joke among my friends that I am dead
inside because of the way I handle thinks. And it's
(03:45):
never anything that I'm like hurt by generally, but it's just, yeah,
it's something that I think about. And it's weird because
you know, Samantha, I feel things like really strongly. I
was gonna say, I have never put that as a
descriptor for you of being unemotional or being dead inside,
because you have passions upon passions and uh, you have
(04:08):
strong opinions on things. The things that you don't have
an opinion on is definitely a blank space and it
is the opposite of what you you know. Like for
some people, let's say I know a little about a lot,
you know a lot about a little. Like that's kind
of that in the like your world is very specific
and it's not beautiful and not a little because you
(04:30):
know a lot in general. But that's what I mean,
Like you focus in and then you hone in and
you know everything about it. And that's where I'm like,
I'll dabble in something, Okay, that's enough and I'll move on.
That may not be an expert on it, So it's
interesting yeah, yeah, I mean certainly that's how people will
engage in things like this is the level of people.
(04:52):
Some people like things on a more superficial like I
like this and that's good enough, and then other people
like me are like, I like this, and now I
must know and all the fan fixture I must ranked
about the things that will never happen, but I want
to see happen. I mean, it's gotten to the point
that on specific topics, I'll be like, you are limited.
You cannot write more than this. She has put a
(05:13):
limit on the listeners. Not because we don't want all
that information. It is just like, okay, now there's gonna
be a six part episode on one small subject. Yeah,
we've gotta we've gotta pull it back. Yeah, I mean,
it's entirely fair. And that's one thing. As someone who
does like, really really enjoy things, perhaps to a level
that most people, I won't say most people, but is
(05:36):
a bit more than a lot of people. Sometimes I
have a hard time differentiating between what is actually interesting
and relevant. No, the thing is like, the things that
you bring out are very interesting to me, for sure.
It's kind of like, okay, but we have to come back, right, yes,
circle background, like no, absolutely, no, that is something I know.
(05:56):
There's an issue that I am aware of. Is an
issue because I will sit and I think, this is
why our relationship works. I will hear you, and then
you will continue on and then I'll put in a
question here and there. But I feel like I've learned
something and I didn't have to do any of the work. Thanks.
It's all I'm just trying to help you ultimately, and
I'm good with it. We'll see. That's the thing, because
I do love things so much until like when we
(06:17):
did the Princess Leiah episode, for example, I wanted to
share it with you. I wanted to tell you about it,
like I get yeah. So so that's kind of this
textposition if I have that and I have these strong
emotional things, and I personally wouldn't describe myself as dead inside,
but there is like when I encounter situations that are intense,
(06:39):
especially in real world, because I'll say, I'll watch like
a TV show and I'll cry and cry and cry,
but like in the real world, is something sad happens.
I'm very stoic often like I'm pretty and and that
that will break eventually and I will cry or whatever
it is. But I think also a part of it
is obligation. If if I feel like there's an obligation
to react a certain way emotionally, then it's like I
(07:00):
close up and I don't do it, and that feels
weird because people do expect, and we've talked about this before,
especially for women, they do expect that you're going to
emote a certain way often, but if you emote too much,
of it too dramatic exactly, And I think maybe that's
part of what it is, like there's a tension in me,
(07:23):
whereas for so long we've had that thrown against us
as women, of being too emotional, being too dramatic. And
I am very awesome. I'm very emotional person. I am,
and I'm not ashamed of that. But I think maybe internalized,
especially younger, that it was better to be stoic because
that is more masculine. You don't want to be the emotional,
(07:44):
crying woman, right, And I think that I'll have moments
where I just feel really weird, like something is wrong
with me because and the most obvious example I can
think of as dogs and I know, I know, I know,
I know, I liked I want to say that, Okay,
I like dogs, but I don't have the thing like
it's not my thing. I don't stop and I'm like
a dog, like there's no I don't feel that, and
(08:06):
I see it in people and I just don't whatever
that is, it's not happening for me. Sometimes it does,
it's like a super cute dog, but generally I'm just
kind of like, there's a dog, which is the reaction
I get every time I try to show you a
video of a dog. I was doing something cute and
you're like, oh nice, yeah, because I and I know,
(08:28):
like I don't get it, like that feeling, and I
totally get wanting to share that and and I think
that's a part of why I keep bringing this up,
even though it has gotten me in trouble on the
internet before. It is because it does make me feel weird.
It does make me feel like something is off with me,
and it's like I'm searching for you're supposed to react
to certain way, and it's not there. And in that moment,
(08:50):
it does feel like I'm dead inside because there's nothing.
There's nothing there, and it does make me feel like,
as a woman, that this should be there and again,
it's all internalized. But like, I'm also the same with babies,
and I also like babies, and I have friends with
kids whom I adore and I think the cutest, smartest,
(09:11):
sweetest things. But I just don't feel whatever it is
people are expecting. So then I have to act and pretend,
and then I feel like I'm just a big faker,
and that's not a good feeling either. All right, I'm
with you on the baby. I am very fairly vocal
about that. Not that I will tell anybody their babies
ugly or anything, but I'm like, Okay, beauty of life,
(09:31):
you do your thing, this is what you want. I'm
so happy for you. But for me it's I'm like,
I've never wanted, like really wanted a child like I
thought I did, because that's what we're supposed to want
coming entire womanhood. Our woman hit is to give birth
and put our hips to use, you know what I mean? Um,
And I definitely would say I had birthing hips, according
to many a mama's who or grandmama's who have told
(09:53):
me so. But yeah, I don't react that way either.
I have to do a lot of acting to be like,
oh right, um, And I think a part of that
is because of my background and seeing really awful families
and the like. Just because you brought the child doesn't
mean we need to celebrate this, you know, like it's
kind of one of those moments. But then again, yeah,
(10:14):
I love the couples when I see that are genuinely happy,
I'm happy for them. I'm like, oh my god, this
makes you happy. That's beautiful. Outside of that, they don't
make me tear up. I don't necessarily not pushing like
I'm definitely pushing the age that it's getting too late
technically biologically, and I'm okay with that. Yeah, you know,
and I think that's but yeah, I'm with you. I
(10:34):
feel like I'm supposed to be these things. My mother
made me feel like I was losing a piece of
myself when I said I was okay with not having
children and being told repeatedly you're going to die alone.
So you know, yeah, there is that. There is that,
And you know, even admitting this out loud is kind
of scary to me, to be honest, because I want
(10:56):
to be really clear on this. It's not like if
you show me a baby and to a lesser extent,
a dog, especially if I know you and I care
about you. It's not like I'm like not feeling anything.
And when I say acting, I it's just that I
feel like I have to act way over the top,
you know, like it has to be huge. The reaction
has to be huge, and you know this is a
(11:17):
huge deal and it deserves to be. But in that
space of like me just being like all the kid
is so cute and feeling this like quiet sentiment of
being moved and happy and like your heart is really full,
people can't see that, so you have to like act it.
I have that way about gifts. Oh yeah, I like
to be prepared about what am I going to get
(11:38):
because the initial reaction I I don't know if there's
something stunted in mean that I can't react at the moment,
and I feel very like I'm very stoic and calm,
so showing excitement it's also something I have a problem with.
So I hear you on this, because then this is
a good and bad where if it's a bad situation
and everybody's panicking, I am not. I'm the one that's
(11:58):
quietly sitting around. They're trying to figure out what's going
on and then after the fact then I'll have a
meltdown maybe. But I'm the same way even with joyful situations.
So let's say I come in to a birthday surprise, which,
by the way, I don't like surprises. I don't know
how to react. My initial reaction is are we fighting?
We're fighting? I'm fighting? Are you yelling at me? What's
(12:19):
going on? Like that's my initial reaction, and I have
to situation and my reaction is delayed. But on the
same way with gifts. So I'm supposed to act surprise
and so happy and maybe but I can't get there
or they really hate it and I'm trying to hide them.
It's really and so the fear of like doing that
is one of the things I hate the most. So
I'd like to know ahead of time, just to prepare myself. Yeah,
(12:43):
and I wonder, I bet there's something to do with
like the trauma or past there, because for me, there's
like this moment of you go inside yourself and you think,
what is the proper way to react, like what is
the safe proper reaction here? And because you're doing that,
you're like taking a step out of your natural how
you would perhaps I mean that's the same I think,
like the reactive attachment disorder, which I'm pretty sure I
(13:04):
was a young child I could have been diagnosed to that.
And we've talked about attachment disorders before. I don't think
I've talked about this woe in our Trauma series. It
literally is everything is a performance and trying to read
other people's reaction, Like that's my initial setback as watching
you watching me. Yeah, yeah, I feel similarly, and and
(13:24):
I have. I mean, my friends are really good because
I remember one, like I've told this story before my friends.
She was really drunk, but she came out to me
and I was just kind of like, oh cool, and
I had called a lift already and I kind of
gotten a lift and she freaked out because she was like,
oh my god, what does she think? And my other
friend was like, you know, Annie, Annie just takes things
and stride like and I was, yeah, so happy for her.
(13:46):
But I do get that a lot. And that's something
else that kind of causes me tension about this whole
conversation is there is that joke but kind of assumption
that if you behave in that way, or if you
don't like animals, for instance, you're a sociopath, like something
is wrong with you, and I'll feel it like I
(14:06):
have internalized that, and I will think something is wrong.
You should be feeling this way, and that We've talked
about the problem with should so much. But that, yeah,
that has been coming up a lot lately because people
have been you know, we're honored Zoo happy Hours or whatever.
People show me pictures of things and I do, I
just I feel it, but it's so like muted, and
I'm like, something's wrong with you. You You should be way happy? Right.
(14:28):
I think the differences though, and I say this and
like again, I come to you and send you things
that bring you joy, which most people do. As you've
talked about the fact that all these analysis are coming
out between Marvel stuff, between the Star Wars stuff and
the Last of Us two stuff, And I know people
are sending your messages left and right, and I've sent
you two or three of them in the last day.
(14:51):
But that's the day say that this is the joy
in the reaction, so we know what brings you joy
and in that part, and that's okay. That's the thing
is that I think what people need to realize in
the actual level of what it is is we need
to give people joy as much as they need to
give us joy, and so being able to do that
for you is something that people should be able to
see just as much as I Joe will send me,
(15:13):
My partner will send me many a dog videos. He
knows how much I love I love these, especially the
silly ones that cat. I don't know if you've seen
the viral cat po the dude who couldn't get the
cat off me and him saying I'm not a cat.
I laughed hysterically. I thought it was hilarious. But like
stuff like that, it brings that joy and that's great
(15:33):
and that's fine, And just because you don't enjoy the
same thing should not inspire them like that person is
not nice or we're not going to be friends because
this person is doesn't believe the same thing, or doesn't
like not believe, doesn't like the same thing I do.
And that's a whole different conversation. Especially again, this is
also another conversation about using any type of mental health
stuff as a weapon against people, which is both in
(15:54):
itself um and that needs to be broken down in
its entirety because that is it is definitely divisive and
and and insensitive to those that are struggling with these things,
and they still want to try to be human, you
know what I mean. Like sociopath is a whole different
conversation in itself, of course, but when we talk about
mental health stuff and being in regard to that way,
(16:15):
it's a dangerous line when you start poking it as
this is this person because of one small incident or
one small reaction that they did you didn't like, Yeah, yeah,
And I definitely, oh for sure, that is a that
is a big topic. And I think like part of
this is too, that nurturing aspect of being a woman,
(16:36):
so like dogs or pets or babies just fits so
naturally into that, So it does. That's another layer of
it of expecting this thing from women. And since I'm
not necessarily I like, I'm not emoting as they expect
um for these nurturing things, there's like a gendered layer
two of that um. And we've talked about like grieving
(16:59):
and you know how people greave in different ways and
and people present emotions in different ways. And when I
was thinking about this, like on on the flip side
of all of what we're talking about is men being
limited and what emotions they can show in terms of
this joy or happiness or just in general m other
(17:19):
than stoy SYSM. But I do think there's more of
a like, oh, how brave when men are emotional, right
as compared to women in any like being emotional or
not being emotionalitis is not a conversation, and that might
be one of the things that could talk about the
fact that women are more likely to give you credit,
(17:39):
So therefore a man is doing something that is worthy
of credit, women are the ones that's going to call
it out first, as very usual, So it's a whole
different thing because men are not gonna call women out
for something unless it's bashing on other women. Like it's
kind of a whole competitive nature. But I think in itself,
when we talk about being honest and out front, it
is okay for women to be accepting as well as,
(18:01):
as you said, nurturing. So therefore complimenting is nurturing and
bringing up and that's that kind of like, oh my god,
this is also like that level of gender roles, right, Yeah,
gender roles hurt everyone everyone. Yeah, So that's that's just
sort of what's been on my mind around that and
again these are our opinions because yeah, I'm working through
(18:22):
a lot of this stuff, So nothing is wrong with
being super excited man or woman about any of the thing.
And it's joyful and that brings you joy. Keep doing
it as long as you're not hurting someone else. Yes,
always yeah, so cheers. Yeah, thanks for letting me have
this sort of unhappy hour. But my next one is
(18:45):
gonna be really fun. It's going to be a fan
fictions fun. It's going to say that, Okay, this one
is fun. Don't say that. Okay, this one was necessary. Oh,
thank you, thank you. Um, and I hope that some
of you listeners can relate and and as we do
these happy hours, we would love to hear ideas from
you what we'd like to see. We've already gotten some
interest and perhaps watching sex in the City on some
(19:07):
of them down. I know you are. I'm down too.
I would love it. But we want to we want
to do things that you want to hear and do,
so please keep those suggestions coming. We hope that you
have enjoyed this and you're having relaxing at least a
little bit time in your day perhaps, And yeah, we
would love to hear from you. Our email is Stuff Media,
(19:28):
mom Stuff at I heart media dot com. You can
also find us on Instagram and Stuff I've Never Told
You are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as
always to our super producer Christina. Thank you, Christina, and
thanks to you for listening Stuff I Never Told You
the protection of I Heart Radio. For more podcast when
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Samantha McVey
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