July 8, 2021 • 21 mins
It's time for the one where we wax poetic about past relationships and what we wish we had known when we were in them. You know, typical happy hour stuff. Expect the first relationship ghost when the bell tolls rum!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.
Never told your protection of I Heart Radio. It is Thursday,
which means it's time for another happy hour. And despite
the title on this one, I think this one's gonna
(00:25):
be fun. Um, So I'm commiserating perfect despite the title. Yes, yes,
I happen to like the title. But I also like
a lot of sad things, so that's you know, whatever,
what are you sitting on, Samantha. You know what, I'm
gonna keep it simple and get one of my favorite
white wines. Pretty much the only white wine that I'll
(00:48):
ever drink is Vino Verde and it's the Traitor Joe version.
So you've been classier. Yeah, and it's kind of got
that definitely a lot more tart than your typical white wines,
as well as a lot more clean to me than
because I don't like a lot of like the the
smoky wood ish taste that happens that buttery. It's not
(01:12):
that at all. But yeah, and it's super cheap, so cheers.
It's super cold because Atlanta is super hot. Yes, actually,
I was going to get wine because I feel like
this is a very wine. I know, it's a cliche,
but like to reminisce over past relationships over wine. But
we've been recording for about four hours now and we're
(01:32):
in my closet and it's so hot. So I switched
up my drink and I'm going to get some judgment
for this one, but I love this. It is a
little bit of vodka pickle juice, saratcha, it's sparkling water.
(01:52):
I had to get really creative because I never have
any fixers. And when this guy sent me a bunch
of pickles, that's a story for a different day, but
I had a lot of pickles. I was like, what
what can I eat? Mix this with? And I was like,
I have a bunch of pickle juice. So I started
putting it my drinks and I find it very refreshing.
(02:13):
But I know it's odd. Um. It is something I
loved as a kid. I love to drink just pickle juice.
A lot of people do. I love pickles, but I'm
very picky about my pickles and I'll only eat one
brand because to me, the rest of them are too uh,
soggy and sad. So I'll only eat one brand, one type.
And I have to stock up because apparently they run
(02:34):
out of this one brand every time if you don't
get it immediately. I even followed them on Twitter. Don't
start with me. There's no shame. I won't drink that,
but there's no shame. It's very refreshing. I'm good. I
(02:54):
almost lying about it. I was almost not going to.
I have to be open and honest. That's a this
episode is about. And as always, drink responsibly if you
choose to do so. Yeah, we just want you all
to hang out with us. And I think this is
something that a lot of us can relate to, because
what I wanted to talk about today is something I
have been kind of mulling over and I think a
(03:16):
lot of people have throughout this quarantine um and in
my case specifically, as I've learned more about myself and
how I identify and more about mindfulness, some things that
I would have done differently I wish I had known
when I was younger and in relationships. So I do
want to say I know a lot of people get
a little um angry about when women apologize, and especially
(03:39):
in a case like this where it's like apologies to
boyfriends past. It's not coming from the sense that I
feel that I did anything wrong Necessarily. I think I
just wasn't in a good place or you know, like
I was learning, or we're in different places at different times,
so maybe I did do things wrong. But it's more
of like a almost an apology to myself but also
(04:02):
the person that I did care about and in some
cases still do care about, that I didn't have the
tools or awareness then and that I might have hurt
that person. But it's coming much for from a place
of like I've healed and moved on and just kind
of like, hey, if it wasn't a weird thing to do,
(04:23):
I would apologize to you for this thing. That's nice. Yeah. See,
Samantha and I am very different break up attitudes because
I have seen most of the people I've broken up with,
especially if we dated for a while like after and
more than once after. This is not how you are, right, Samantha.
Oh no, oh no, they must go into the abyss
(04:45):
of boyfriend's past and never to be seen again. And
I am okay with that. Yeah. I definitely have the
whole different like take on all of that typically because um, hey,
I'm not great relationships, so and I say that in
every aspect of I don't understand completely how relationships are
supposed to go, whether it's my ideas or my frame
(05:10):
of reference. Are romance movies really bad romance movies, or
my parents who have been together from the beginning, like
it's just it's just been that way, or my people
around me who have gotten divorces that does not look
pretty or stuck in really sad relationships, And of course
it's definitely those who are in wonderful, beautiful relationships, but
(05:31):
also I'm also one of those that has not a
big tie, so meaning we may I don't date within
typically my friend group this one time absolutely not necessarily
a friend group, but they are in close quarters or
we would be in trouble. I typically don't date within
working scenarios, so I can't like you are not part
of me, like, nope, were good. We are separate here,
(05:56):
So for me, a lot of that has happened. Didn't
start having relationships till my twenties either, so that's a
whole different conversation as well. So I feel like the
way I've set myself up has always been kind of
that way, and it's not again, not that I'm angry
necessarily it's there's this level of embarrassment of like, oh,
these are the things that we did in our relationships.
(06:16):
I can't see you in any other way than oh,
my god, we did that. Let's move on. Even though
there's nothing shameful, it just feels that way. So a
lot of that again, my my whole aspect is like
I just I want I want to forget. I mean,
how do I forget you? So you don't like ruminate
on if I had done this or if I had
(06:38):
done that. Of course I do, Like I am a
very very deep I analyze everything to the core. But
after that is done, and I will obsess for a
little while, Like I will definitely do that and get
into my feelings and be really hurt and it'll be painful,
Like it feels like a death to me, which is
(06:58):
probat of the problem I think. And we're gonna talk
a little bit about my attachment issues that if I
let you in, it's really hard and it's super painful
to cut you out. And it feels like that because
it feels like something has been pulled away from me,
and there's this moment of like take about breath away
because it just feels empty. So especially again if I've
let you in to my life or into the level
(07:21):
of being intimate in any way, so I may really
be hurt and in pain for a good like maybe
even like two months, like you know, and it doesn't matter.
Sex in the City has an episode where it gives
you a calculation of how long you have, like the
half the time that you've been together to really be hurt.
(07:43):
So if you've been together with someone for six months,
you have three months to get over it. I don't
think those calculations are correct somewhere like that, but I
it may take me a while, but once it's over,
it's over, and I want you to be gone, okay,
okay for ever? Yeah, I And then that's been very interesting.
(08:08):
I think when we've had conversations about this, because we
do have such a different approaches, we're I'll be telling
you about like, oh, I'm gonna go see my ex
boyfriend for this, and you're like, why, yeah, yeah, it is,
I'm very shocked. Well, and to be fair, how's the
time between you and everybody else who do see their
exes is typically because they're still using you for something
(08:29):
that's yeah, yeah, yeah, Well, and to be fair, I also,
I think this is natural, but when that happens, there
is an element of what is this really about? Like
you're trying to get to the underlying reason. And I
do want to say, like we're talking about boyfriends here,
(08:50):
and I'm talking about boyfriends here. I have dated women,
but I've never had quite as long term of a
relationship with a woman. And if I if I was
apologies to girlfriends passed, it would be I had no
idea what I was doing. I had no idea what
I was doing, and I was waiting on the other
person to show me right yes, and and also very unsure,
(09:16):
which I really appreciated. A lot of listeners have written
in about this of being in college when this was
happening and doubting like, oh am I just college experimenting
and then feeling really terrible that I might be doing
that to somebody. It didn't turn out to be the case,
but I got I got it in my head about
that of like, am I just doing this because it's
cool or something? Which is really unfortunate. And I did
(09:39):
have some really sweet relationships that meant a lot to me,
And that's that's something when I look back on most
of my relationships, not all of them. I don't think
that they were a waste of time because I did
learn something about myself and what I want, and a
lot of them, and a lot of them I had
like some beautiful times and memories that we made. But yeah,
(10:01):
there are things that I catch myself wishing I could
apologize for. And it is not that the other person
who's blameless, but yeah, just sort of an acknowledgement of
like I didn't know how to deal with this at
this time, and I might have hurt you because of it,
and I'm sorry. So one of the big ones is communication.
(10:22):
And it's so funny because we say that all the time,
and I feel like we all know it, but we
all make this mistake. And I didn't know what I
wanted and I didn't know how to speak up for it.
So I just would kind of like almost like a
kind of a flight or fright, like freeze sensation, but
(10:42):
I would make it appear as though, you know, I'll
just do whatever they want and make it look like
I want that thing to write because I didn't. I
didn't know. But that in turn lead to a building
up of issues and of almost resentment. I don't think
I ever really reached that where we didn't want the
same things, but we weren't communicating about it and we
(11:04):
were misunderstanding each other's like needs around it. And also
I'm just a very I'm not good in relationships either,
I guess are I. I am someone who's very um open,
and I will say things that perhaps you shouldn't. You
(11:25):
wouldn't say so I would. I remember one memory that
make it feels it makes me feel really bad, but
I was talking about somebody had a crush on to
my boyfriend. But it was just like I get crushes
and they they're like this and then they move on.
And it wasn't a thing to make him jealous. It
wasn't any but I get that that's what normally in
relationships it would be, and I feel I feel terribly
(11:48):
about it. I didn't mean it that way, but I'm
sure that it hurt and I did. It's right. I
think a part of that is being a sexual where
it's I know nothing's going to come of this thing,
and it's just sort of like, oh he loves dn
D and I love dn D and right now it's great,
and then I'll never see him again. And it'll suck.
But that's just how it is, right, I think, And
(12:08):
one of the big things that we don't talk about
enough in general when we talk about communications. Yes, so
we definitely need to do that. But part of the
thing with communication is being able to trust that you
can say it. And that's a big proponent that we
don't put a lot of stock in just because we
say it doesn't mean it's gonna be received well. And
if we're watching to see how it's received, that's part
(12:29):
of trust. And I think even though yes, we can
simply say communicate this will make things better, that's not
necessarily true. And a lot of that is guarding, which
is why you say you communicated you thought so and
so was fun and that it was a small crush
that was a huge mistake, and that that that kind
of that kind of leads to the conversation is Okay,
(12:51):
do I trust you enough and do you know me
well enough that when I say this you know what
is being said? And of course the communication part is
able to come back and be like, Okay, let's let's
talk about this. I was bothered. Can we sort through it?
And that's that's a big difference, is that. Yes, it's
a simple term is be honest, be open, but but
(13:11):
not to honest too open. Engage, engage what what is
being said and what is being heard. And that's part
of the problem. I'm in my head all of the
time thinking if I say this, this is going to
be a problem, right, and to the point that I
won't say it because I don't want to be a
part of problem. Right. And that has everything to do
(13:32):
with trust, and that's a whole different level, and it's
kind of is just a cyclical thing of if one
is without the other, you're not going to receive either.
So it's kind of that balance of understanding that and
with that communication being on the same page. And that's hard.
That's hard. Yeah, that's an excellent point because I think
(13:53):
one of the biggest things when I look back of
this relationship in particular, I was, is like, even if
I wanted to trust, and I think that there it
was a pretty safe space because of all this other
stuff I've gone through, I didn't completely trust and I
was too scared to even admit to myself that And
(14:17):
so I definitely didn't admit it because it's it was
kind of like a charade that I was. I was fine,
it's okay, but it wasn't fine. It wasn't okay. So
I think in this like when I told him about
the crush, even though I didn't mean it to be,
I do think there was a part of me being like,
let's just end this like or planning some kind of
like because at that point it had been many years
(14:39):
and it was kind of clear that something was amiss, right.
And and that's another thing when I look back, and Samantha,
you and I have talked about this before of I
am happy being single, and I am a very active person.
So a lot of times I would I would do
(15:01):
what I wanted to do over like I was kind
of selfish. I would support you. I was happy to
support people. Um, but if it like push came to
shove and I really didn't want to do the thing
that you wanted to do, I would do the thing
that I wanted to do. And it wasn't meant to
be a power play, but I can absolutely see how
(15:22):
how it could be. And and that again is just
I don't think I communicated well around. I was happy
with the relationship where it was in terms of I
have like a really great friend and we do stuff
together and we were really close, but the other person
wasn't happy, like wanted more, and so yeah, I think
(15:42):
even if I didn't realize it, it was kind of like, well,
I'm going to do my thing and it will be fine,
which isn't great, right, And I think that's one of
the other parts in any relationship is having things in common.
Commonalities are important, So if you can't do it together,
then you have the understanding of, oh, we're gonna do
(16:04):
our own thing, and that's cool too. So either it's
either or like it. It definitely is that level you
need to have an understanding or do the same things.
And I think I don't necessarily yes say this selfish,
especially if you don't do it in a level of
being open and on as a communicative about what's happening,
(16:25):
for sure, I think. And again, not great, not great relationships.
Still learning a lot, learning a lot about myself, but
understanding myself and knowing that, yeah, I'm the same way,
like like I'm gonna either do it or not, and
you can join or not, but I'm gonna give you
that same space and freedom and as long as we're
not having hurt feelings right. And I remember talking to
(16:45):
as a nanny. When I was a nanny, I I
was a nanny for a singer. He was a popular singer,
and the wife stayed at home and with the kids
and just did her own thing, um, and they were
able to afford nanny's and all of that, so he
would be gone for weeks at a time and it
was beautiful. She talked about how amazing the relationship was
because she had her time, hang out with her friends,
(17:07):
do her thing. He came home and she dedicated those
two weeks that she saw him per month to him
only and whatever he wanted to do. But then when
he left, she did her thing. And I was like, actually,
a really great setup. I want that right, right, It
could work as long as you understand yeah, exactly, yeah.
And I think that was part of my problem, as
(17:29):
I was also too in my head about this is
what a relationship looks like, this is what I've seen,
and this is what I've been told, and I was
trying to fit into that. But also at the same time,
I was really fighting it, even if I didn't recognize it.
I was like resisting it as hard as I could.
And we were in different spaces at different times in
(17:51):
all these relationships, and I didn't understand myself very well,
and I think that is pretty key if you want
healthy health the relationship. And I still catch myself getting
fomo of you know, what if I had what if
I had been in a different place, or what if
I had not been in such I was great at avoidance.
(18:15):
I still am great at avoidance, great a denial. But
if I hadn't done that and had like gone into
therapy earlier, are are all these different things? Could this
have been? Could I have been happy in this life?
And I don't think I made an incorrect decision, Like
I said, I don't think I wasted time. I learned
a lot. I hope they don't feel like they wasted time.
But whatever done matter. But at the same time, it's
(18:35):
hard not to think about those things, right, I mean,
I dedically I think I have one of those. I
only have really one of those, and the what ifs
turns out it's all in well, great, everything's fine, but
there's like I could have done this better. I wonder
what have happened if I would have opened myself up
a little more out of my own fears. But again,
(18:58):
what I am today, is that I should be. I
do feel that, yeah, and I it is. It is
funny to me how you can I feel such pressure
from society and be so close to somebody and I
don't know. I guess I wonder sometimes about the other
side of like the story that they are telling their friends.
(19:23):
I think about that too, Yes, how do they portray
me exactly? Exactly? And then on the other on the
other hand, I have been talking about this with some
friends that I hadn't previously talked about it before, and
they've been telling me some things where I'm like, wow,
I did not realize you felt this way about that person, Okay,
(19:44):
which is equally interesting. So yeah, yeah, I just wanted
to have take this space. You know. Apologies, it's a
boyfriend's past. I don't apologize. Samantha Firmley does not apologize. Um,
but yeah, recognizing giving my own self space to grow
(20:07):
and make mistakes. Relationships aren't easy and learning about yourself
as an easy. So here we are. We're just doing
the best we can. Yes, we are. Cheers to that
the best we can do, the best we can. Cheers Samantha,
And she's see you listeners. We would love to hear
any of your thoughts about this, You can email us
at Steffidia mom Stuff at I Hurt Me dot com.
(20:29):
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
or on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks
as always to our super producer Christina, thank you, and
thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told You
his predction of iHeart Radio for more podcast and I
Heart Radio because at the Heeart radio app, Apple podcast
and wherever you listen to your favorite shows
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.
Never told your protection of I Heart Radio. It is Thursday,
which means it's time for another happy hour. And despite
the title on this one, I think this one's gonna
(00:25):
be fun. Um, So I'm commiserating perfect despite the title. Yes, yes,
I happen to like the title. But I also like
a lot of sad things, so that's you know, whatever,
what are you sitting on, Samantha. You know what, I'm
gonna keep it simple and get one of my favorite
white wines. Pretty much the only white wine that I'll
(00:48):
ever drink is Vino Verde and it's the Traitor Joe version.
So you've been classier. Yeah, and it's kind of got
that definitely a lot more tart than your typical white wines,
as well as a lot more clean to me than
because I don't like a lot of like the the
smoky wood ish taste that happens that buttery. It's not
(01:12):
that at all. But yeah, and it's super cheap, so cheers.
It's super cold because Atlanta is super hot. Yes, actually,
I was going to get wine because I feel like
this is a very wine. I know, it's a cliche,
but like to reminisce over past relationships over wine. But
we've been recording for about four hours now and we're
(01:32):
in my closet and it's so hot. So I switched
up my drink and I'm going to get some judgment
for this one, but I love this. It is a
little bit of vodka pickle juice, saratcha, it's sparkling water.
(01:52):
I had to get really creative because I never have
any fixers. And when this guy sent me a bunch
of pickles, that's a story for a different day, but
I had a lot of pickles. I was like, what
what can I eat? Mix this with? And I was like,
I have a bunch of pickle juice. So I started
putting it my drinks and I find it very refreshing.
(02:13):
But I know it's odd. Um. It is something I
loved as a kid. I love to drink just pickle juice.
A lot of people do. I love pickles, but I'm
very picky about my pickles and I'll only eat one
brand because to me, the rest of them are too uh,
soggy and sad. So I'll only eat one brand, one type.
And I have to stock up because apparently they run
(02:34):
out of this one brand every time if you don't
get it immediately. I even followed them on Twitter. Don't
start with me. There's no shame. I won't drink that,
but there's no shame. It's very refreshing. I'm good. I
(02:54):
almost lying about it. I was almost not going to.
I have to be open and honest. That's a this
episode is about. And as always, drink responsibly if you
choose to do so. Yeah, we just want you all
to hang out with us. And I think this is
something that a lot of us can relate to, because
what I wanted to talk about today is something I
have been kind of mulling over and I think a
(03:16):
lot of people have throughout this quarantine um and in
my case specifically, as I've learned more about myself and
how I identify and more about mindfulness, some things that
I would have done differently I wish I had known
when I was younger and in relationships. So I do
want to say I know a lot of people get
a little um angry about when women apologize, and especially
(03:39):
in a case like this where it's like apologies to
boyfriends past. It's not coming from the sense that I
feel that I did anything wrong Necessarily. I think I
just wasn't in a good place or you know, like
I was learning, or we're in different places at different times,
so maybe I did do things wrong. But it's more
of like a almost an apology to myself but also
(04:02):
the person that I did care about and in some
cases still do care about, that I didn't have the
tools or awareness then and that I might have hurt
that person. But it's coming much for from a place
of like I've healed and moved on and just kind
of like, hey, if it wasn't a weird thing to do,
(04:23):
I would apologize to you for this thing. That's nice. Yeah. See,
Samantha and I am very different break up attitudes because
I have seen most of the people I've broken up with,
especially if we dated for a while like after and
more than once after. This is not how you are, right, Samantha.
Oh no, oh no, they must go into the abyss
(04:45):
of boyfriend's past and never to be seen again. And
I am okay with that. Yeah. I definitely have the
whole different like take on all of that typically because um, hey,
I'm not great relationships, so and I say that in
every aspect of I don't understand completely how relationships are
supposed to go, whether it's my ideas or my frame
(05:10):
of reference. Are romance movies really bad romance movies, or
my parents who have been together from the beginning, like
it's just it's just been that way, or my people
around me who have gotten divorces that does not look
pretty or stuck in really sad relationships, And of course
it's definitely those who are in wonderful, beautiful relationships, but
(05:31):
also I'm also one of those that has not a
big tie, so meaning we may I don't date within
typically my friend group this one time absolutely not necessarily
a friend group, but they are in close quarters or
we would be in trouble. I typically don't date within
working scenarios, so I can't like you are not part
of me, like, nope, were good. We are separate here,
(05:56):
So for me, a lot of that has happened. Didn't
start having relationships till my twenties either, so that's a
whole different conversation as well. So I feel like the
way I've set myself up has always been kind of
that way, and it's not again, not that I'm angry
necessarily it's there's this level of embarrassment of like, oh,
these are the things that we did in our relationships.
(06:16):
I can't see you in any other way than oh,
my god, we did that. Let's move on. Even though
there's nothing shameful, it just feels that way. So a
lot of that again, my my whole aspect is like
I just I want I want to forget. I mean,
how do I forget you? So you don't like ruminate
on if I had done this or if I had
(06:38):
done that. Of course I do, Like I am a
very very deep I analyze everything to the core. But
after that is done, and I will obsess for a
little while, Like I will definitely do that and get
into my feelings and be really hurt and it'll be painful,
Like it feels like a death to me, which is
(06:58):
probat of the problem I think. And we're gonna talk
a little bit about my attachment issues that if I
let you in, it's really hard and it's super painful
to cut you out. And it feels like that because
it feels like something has been pulled away from me,
and there's this moment of like take about breath away
because it just feels empty. So especially again if I've
let you in to my life or into the level
(07:21):
of being intimate in any way, so I may really
be hurt and in pain for a good like maybe
even like two months, like you know, and it doesn't matter.
Sex in the City has an episode where it gives
you a calculation of how long you have, like the
half the time that you've been together to really be hurt.
(07:43):
So if you've been together with someone for six months,
you have three months to get over it. I don't
think those calculations are correct somewhere like that, but I
it may take me a while, but once it's over,
it's over, and I want you to be gone, okay,
okay for ever? Yeah, I And then that's been very interesting.
(08:08):
I think when we've had conversations about this, because we
do have such a different approaches, we're I'll be telling
you about like, oh, I'm gonna go see my ex
boyfriend for this, and you're like, why, yeah, yeah, it is,
I'm very shocked. Well, and to be fair, how's the
time between you and everybody else who do see their
exes is typically because they're still using you for something
(08:29):
that's yeah, yeah, yeah, Well, and to be fair, I also,
I think this is natural, but when that happens, there
is an element of what is this really about? Like
you're trying to get to the underlying reason. And I
do want to say, like we're talking about boyfriends here,
(08:50):
and I'm talking about boyfriends here. I have dated women,
but I've never had quite as long term of a
relationship with a woman. And if I if I was
apologies to girlfriends passed, it would be I had no
idea what I was doing. I had no idea what
I was doing, and I was waiting on the other
person to show me right yes, and and also very unsure,
(09:16):
which I really appreciated. A lot of listeners have written
in about this of being in college when this was
happening and doubting like, oh am I just college experimenting
and then feeling really terrible that I might be doing
that to somebody. It didn't turn out to be the case,
but I got I got it in my head about
that of like, am I just doing this because it's
cool or something? Which is really unfortunate. And I did
(09:39):
have some really sweet relationships that meant a lot to me,
And that's that's something when I look back on most
of my relationships, not all of them. I don't think
that they were a waste of time because I did
learn something about myself and what I want, and a
lot of them, and a lot of them I had
like some beautiful times and memories that we made. But yeah,
(10:01):
there are things that I catch myself wishing I could
apologize for. And it is not that the other person
who's blameless, but yeah, just sort of an acknowledgement of
like I didn't know how to deal with this at
this time, and I might have hurt you because of it,
and I'm sorry. So one of the big ones is communication.
(10:22):
And it's so funny because we say that all the time,
and I feel like we all know it, but we
all make this mistake. And I didn't know what I
wanted and I didn't know how to speak up for it.
So I just would kind of like almost like a
kind of a flight or fright, like freeze sensation, but
(10:42):
I would make it appear as though, you know, I'll
just do whatever they want and make it look like
I want that thing to write because I didn't. I
didn't know. But that in turn lead to a building
up of issues and of almost resentment. I don't think
I ever really reached that where we didn't want the
same things, but we weren't communicating about it and we
(11:04):
were misunderstanding each other's like needs around it. And also
I'm just a very I'm not good in relationships either,
I guess are I. I am someone who's very um open,
and I will say things that perhaps you shouldn't. You
(11:25):
wouldn't say so I would. I remember one memory that
make it feels it makes me feel really bad, but
I was talking about somebody had a crush on to
my boyfriend. But it was just like I get crushes
and they they're like this and then they move on.
And it wasn't a thing to make him jealous. It
wasn't any but I get that that's what normally in
relationships it would be, and I feel I feel terribly
(11:48):
about it. I didn't mean it that way, but I'm
sure that it hurt and I did. It's right. I
think a part of that is being a sexual where
it's I know nothing's going to come of this thing,
and it's just sort of like, oh he loves dn
D and I love dn D and right now it's great,
and then I'll never see him again. And it'll suck.
But that's just how it is, right, I think, And
(12:08):
one of the big things that we don't talk about
enough in general when we talk about communications. Yes, so
we definitely need to do that. But part of the
thing with communication is being able to trust that you
can say it. And that's a big proponent that we
don't put a lot of stock in just because we
say it doesn't mean it's gonna be received well. And
if we're watching to see how it's received, that's part
(12:29):
of trust. And I think even though yes, we can
simply say communicate this will make things better, that's not
necessarily true. And a lot of that is guarding, which
is why you say you communicated you thought so and
so was fun and that it was a small crush
that was a huge mistake, and that that that kind
of that kind of leads to the conversation is Okay,
(12:51):
do I trust you enough and do you know me
well enough that when I say this you know what
is being said? And of course the communication part is
able to come back and be like, Okay, let's let's
talk about this. I was bothered. Can we sort through it?
And that's that's a big difference, is that. Yes, it's
a simple term is be honest, be open, but but
(13:11):
not to honest too open. Engage, engage what what is
being said and what is being heard. And that's part
of the problem. I'm in my head all of the
time thinking if I say this, this is going to
be a problem, right, and to the point that I
won't say it because I don't want to be a
part of problem. Right. And that has everything to do
(13:32):
with trust, and that's a whole different level, and it's
kind of is just a cyclical thing of if one
is without the other, you're not going to receive either.
So it's kind of that balance of understanding that and
with that communication being on the same page. And that's hard.
That's hard. Yeah, that's an excellent point because I think
(13:53):
one of the biggest things when I look back of
this relationship in particular, I was, is like, even if
I wanted to trust, and I think that there it
was a pretty safe space because of all this other
stuff I've gone through, I didn't completely trust and I
was too scared to even admit to myself that And
(14:17):
so I definitely didn't admit it because it's it was
kind of like a charade that I was. I was fine,
it's okay, but it wasn't fine. It wasn't okay. So
I think in this like when I told him about
the crush, even though I didn't mean it to be,
I do think there was a part of me being like,
let's just end this like or planning some kind of
like because at that point it had been many years
(14:39):
and it was kind of clear that something was amiss, right.
And and that's another thing when I look back, and Samantha,
you and I have talked about this before of I
am happy being single, and I am a very active person.
So a lot of times I would I would do
(15:01):
what I wanted to do over like I was kind
of selfish. I would support you. I was happy to
support people. Um, but if it like push came to
shove and I really didn't want to do the thing
that you wanted to do, I would do the thing
that I wanted to do. And it wasn't meant to
be a power play, but I can absolutely see how
(15:22):
how it could be. And and that again is just
I don't think I communicated well around. I was happy
with the relationship where it was in terms of I
have like a really great friend and we do stuff
together and we were really close, but the other person
wasn't happy, like wanted more, and so yeah, I think
(15:42):
even if I didn't realize it, it was kind of like, well,
I'm going to do my thing and it will be fine,
which isn't great, right, And I think that's one of
the other parts in any relationship is having things in common.
Commonalities are important, So if you can't do it together,
then you have the understanding of, oh, we're gonna do
(16:04):
our own thing, and that's cool too. So either it's
either or like it. It definitely is that level you
need to have an understanding or do the same things.
And I think I don't necessarily yes say this selfish,
especially if you don't do it in a level of
being open and on as a communicative about what's happening,
(16:25):
for sure, I think. And again, not great, not great relationships.
Still learning a lot, learning a lot about myself, but
understanding myself and knowing that, yeah, I'm the same way,
like like I'm gonna either do it or not, and
you can join or not, but I'm gonna give you
that same space and freedom and as long as we're
not having hurt feelings right. And I remember talking to
(16:45):
as a nanny. When I was a nanny, I I
was a nanny for a singer. He was a popular singer,
and the wife stayed at home and with the kids
and just did her own thing, um, and they were
able to afford nanny's and all of that, so he
would be gone for weeks at a time and it
was beautiful. She talked about how amazing the relationship was
because she had her time, hang out with her friends,
(17:07):
do her thing. He came home and she dedicated those
two weeks that she saw him per month to him
only and whatever he wanted to do. But then when
he left, she did her thing. And I was like, actually,
a really great setup. I want that right, right, It
could work as long as you understand yeah, exactly, yeah.
And I think that was part of my problem, as
(17:29):
I was also too in my head about this is
what a relationship looks like, this is what I've seen,
and this is what I've been told, and I was
trying to fit into that. But also at the same time,
I was really fighting it, even if I didn't recognize it.
I was like resisting it as hard as I could.
And we were in different spaces at different times in
(17:51):
all these relationships, and I didn't understand myself very well,
and I think that is pretty key if you want
healthy health the relationship. And I still catch myself getting
fomo of you know, what if I had what if
I had been in a different place, or what if
I had not been in such I was great at avoidance.
(18:15):
I still am great at avoidance, great a denial. But
if I hadn't done that and had like gone into
therapy earlier, are are all these different things? Could this
have been? Could I have been happy in this life?
And I don't think I made an incorrect decision, Like
I said, I don't think I wasted time. I learned
a lot. I hope they don't feel like they wasted time.
But whatever done matter. But at the same time, it's
(18:35):
hard not to think about those things, right, I mean,
I dedically I think I have one of those. I
only have really one of those, and the what ifs
turns out it's all in well, great, everything's fine, but
there's like I could have done this better. I wonder
what have happened if I would have opened myself up
a little more out of my own fears. But again,
(18:58):
what I am today, is that I should be. I
do feel that, yeah, and I it is. It is
funny to me how you can I feel such pressure
from society and be so close to somebody and I
don't know. I guess I wonder sometimes about the other
side of like the story that they are telling their friends.
(19:23):
I think about that too, Yes, how do they portray
me exactly? Exactly? And then on the other on the
other hand, I have been talking about this with some
friends that I hadn't previously talked about it before, and
they've been telling me some things where I'm like, wow,
I did not realize you felt this way about that person, Okay,
(19:44):
which is equally interesting. So yeah, yeah, I just wanted
to have take this space. You know. Apologies, it's a
boyfriend's past. I don't apologize. Samantha Firmley does not apologize. Um,
but yeah, recognizing giving my own self space to grow
(20:07):
and make mistakes. Relationships aren't easy and learning about yourself
as an easy. So here we are. We're just doing
the best we can. Yes, we are. Cheers to that
the best we can do, the best we can. Cheers Samantha,
And she's see you listeners. We would love to hear
any of your thoughts about this, You can email us
at Steffidia mom Stuff at I Hurt Me dot com.
(20:29):
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
or on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks
as always to our super producer Christina, thank you, and
thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told You
his predction of iHeart Radio for more podcast and I
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Samantha McVey
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