November 24, 2022 • 24 mins
Anney got Covid! She's fine! But it did raise some questions around how women act in regards to illness.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Sanny and Samantha. I don't know to Stephane,
never told you protection of iHeartRadio. It is Thursday, which
means it's time for another happy Hour. As always, if
you choose to drink, please do so responsibly. As this
(00:27):
comes out, it is Thanksgiving, so having Thanksgiving to everyone
who celebrates This wasn't really planned. This is just how
our schedule worked out. So happy Native American Heritage Day,
for Native Indigenous Heritage Day, all those things. Far as
People's Day, we celebrate you more than we celebrate Thanksgiving,
(00:47):
we promise, yes. But yeah, so this was just I've
actually this has been the topic I've been wanting to
talk about. It's been delayed for a long time. But
if you see the title, you're like, why are they
publishing this on Thanksgiving? It just worked out that way,
I promise. So I am sipping on my classic Gin
and Tonic with some basil or basil however you pronounce it,
(01:08):
because that's all I have. That's literally all I have,
even though today is Life Day, November Star Wars Holiday
and I should be having a Life Day specific drink.
But I just really fell through. I did not. Are
you not doing a celebration. I am doing a celebration
Marissa bringing the ingredients for all the things for life us.
(01:30):
Tonight tonight I will have a celebration, but for now
I only Yeah, yeah, I'm kind of surprised by those.
And by the way, y'all, she does have a Life
Day shirt on. I do not just for me, but
for Life Day, so well for you to. I did
(01:52):
get a nice text this morning with a wookie. Yes,
I think I sent like so many texts about life days.
So now if I look at my history, it's just
like Life Day gifts history. It's very very funny from
one of the out there. Oh poor Lumpy. At least
(02:12):
I didn't send you itchy could have done that rather not.
Uh yes, well, I am sipping on. I decided because
it is very cold in Georgia, and I'm sorry to
those who are in snowstorms. Probably like you don't know cold,
and that's true, and I don't like cold, so there's that.
But it is it hit thirty degrees last night to night.
(02:33):
I supposed to hit down to twenty eight. Don't love it?
Not a fan um. And then also that causes for
sniffles and all of that, which makes me also go,
oh my god, everybody's got COVID. But it's just the cold.
So I'm trying not to fall into that because also
if this is on Thanksgiving, I had a habit of
being sick constantly during the Thanksgiving day break, which was
(02:54):
weird to me. I would have fevers all the time,
and like the only times I would get sick it
was around Thanksgiving, which is funny because I actually I
really liked it Thanksgiving because I love food and that's
what it entailed. But yeah, so I'm drinking a hot toddy.
But I did a twist because I got the ginger
honey citrone tea. You know I'm talking about. That's pretty
(03:16):
much that Jammie make of lemons and oranges and the
peels and the ginger. So I got that and put
it with the echonation tea and added some whiskey for
the adult version. So I am sipping on my tea
because I'm trying not to get sick as my Thanksgiving
(03:36):
Day tradition. Yes, and that's a great segue into what
we're talking about today, because, as Samantha does, a couple
like a month or so ago, two months I had COVID.
I had COVID. She needed to tell us after I did,
but I did not go out. And it was actually
hilarious how how I was reading the CDC guideline and
(04:00):
I was like, oh, this is what I've been doing.
All right, I'm good. Like I didn't really have to
change much. The only thing I did was I got
groceries delivered. But other than that, I was kind of like, yeah, easy,
I can't stay in. Yeah. I didn't tell anybody. And
that's part of what I want to talk about, because
I think you know, a lot of us are you know,
(04:20):
going home? Uh, And there are still those concerns around
COVID or just even like the flu or illness um
in general. And I haven't been sick. I'm very very fortunate.
I haven't been sick and so long, like I think
I've had a science infection are two, but like over
(04:42):
ten years, I have not been sick, which is amazing
because we knew. We were just like absolutely, because Annie
doesn't get the regulars like this. She gets whatever is
the most uncommon and unlikely. We were like, and of
course you wouldn't get COVID, that's too common when it's
after yes, yes, I finally toppled out. I'll admit I
(05:06):
had the moment of like, oh, darn it, get me finally.
It did take me six tested to get the positive
even though I was pretty sure I had it, and
the sometimes are really mild because I've gotten all vaccines,
I've gotten boosted. It was very, very mild. But the
reason I wanted to talk about this, what we're talking
about today is illness and my reaction to it, uh
(05:28):
and what I've seen anecdotally, and Smith and I have
kind of different reactions, but there are some things that
I'm like, I'm kind of fascinated that this was my response. Um,
So I used to be very sick as a child.
I was very ill a lot um A lot of
that had to do with asthma. But yeah, it's been
a it's been a minute for me. And so literally
(05:50):
I got with my positive results and the first thing
I thought was this means I can have soup and
lay in bed, And that's just the saddest. That's so sad.
(06:18):
You're not the only one who thinks this way, Like
you have to run yourself down into the ground dragged
before you can truly rest, and then you have a
plausible reason and excuse to do so, as yes, I
am the opposite, and I'm like, oh, I kind of
feel sick not doing for three days, and I love
(06:41):
off of I like, at least you know, my half
of my pantry is just straight noodles, ramen, m H
and soups because I love soups so much. The minute
it turned like fifty degrees, I immediately went and made
vegetable soup. We made a Hungarian soup and it made
(07:03):
it twice because I loved it. I constantly go to
our h Mart because there's a restaurant ruined by two
Korean women that makes the best Kim gay and I'm like,
that will be my six soup. I guess if I
were to get sick at any point in time, and
and like you, I've actually been pretty lucky, especially in
the past few years, especially during COVID. And I say
this in that masks are amazing and I really feel
(07:26):
like it combated a lot of the germs that we
pick up, which is why I refused to stop. Like,
of course, if it makes it awkward and uncomfortable, I
go with status quo, which boo on me for doing that,
But I just don't want to stir up things as
an Asian woman in general. But like, I really feel
like that's really helped our immunity. But I have started
getting a little more sniffly as of late. I did
(07:46):
have an ear rate one day. I was like, no,
but yeah, like it. It is an amazing thing to me.
I'm like, I will find out. Yeah, damn, yeah, I'm wonderful.
I don't want to be sick. But if I even
have a sniff late done, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Coach,
I'm out. And you really have to take a test
six times and actually go through the symptoms, and a
week later, oh, now I'm sick, even though you've been
sick the entire time. And then you're like, but I'll
(08:09):
eat sup. But I won't tell anybody, and they're all
gonna be mad at me afterwards because I don't want
them to feel like they need to help me, even
though we would like love to do so, which is
an interesting response. Yeah, and that's sort of what I
wanted to pick apart because I've seen that with my
mom um. But you know, we've done episodes and you
can listen to them for like a more scientific uh
(08:30):
answer around like women in illness and like it's the
man fluid thing and all that stuff. But like I recorded,
I didn't take any days off or anything like. There
are episodes of Spinty that you can listen to where
I had COVID when we did it, and I knew
I had COVID. We're still recording separately from our home studios,
by the way, But it was it was tell me
you had COVID. I think we actually have that because
(08:51):
you told me I'm pretty sure I have COVID, and
then a couple days later, and then you didn't tell
me until way after. Yes, And that's that's another thing
like it. It was like I didn't want to draw
attention to myself. I didn't want to cause anybody any issues.
I didn't want to rock the boat. Um. I thought
i'd have much more of a reaction of like almost pride,
(09:13):
you know, like oh no, now I'm not one of
the ones who never got it. But it was much
more I'm like, I just don't want to bother anybody
about it, right. I love that you waited my favorite
part of this and announced it to you a friend
group way after, because you didn't want it to be
(09:34):
like gonna be mad at me for not telling them.
So I don't know how to do this. I'll just
wait and then just make it announced and built up.
And finally I was like, I need to hold a
conference call. And it's like everybody's attention for you. And
that's you know, like you said, people love to if
you care about someone, you love to care about them,
(09:55):
like send them stuff or make sure they're they're okay.
And my good friend Marissa, who is a nurse, she
she has kind of a reputation of in my friend group.
She finds out you have COVID. The next day you're
getting a shipment of like medications and soups at all,
Like it's so lovely and it's so nice, and I
(10:17):
don't like that. My first thing was like it was
like a kind of shrinking end of like, oh God,
I don't want anybody to feel like they have to
do anything for me or change your schedule for me
or whatever. Um. And again it wasn't. I didn't have
that many symptoms I had. I had like one night,
not even a day that was a little rough, but
otherwise it was fine. But I don't I don't know
(10:38):
It's just been so long since I've been sick that
I was kind of like, wow, this is this isn't great.
You're kind of like, I don't want anybody to take
care of me. I don't want anybody to know. I'm
just gonna continue forward. Maybe all that myself lay in
bed for a little bit longer than I really do.
So for me, it's I don't necessarily want you to
take care of me. As a fact, typically when I'm sick,
(11:00):
there's only one person that who could like come and
take care of me because I didn't like it, and
it used to be my mother. I'm like, that's the
only person I'll let near me. I guess now probably
be my partner since you know we live together and
all that. But I do want you to know. I
need to prove to you that I'm sick because I'm
afraid that everybody thinks I'm lying. So I have to
prove to you, look how awful I am, Look how
(11:21):
sick I am, Look how awful I sound. So I
need you to know that I'm not lying and making
this up. So I'm the opposite of like I'm niking
everybody aware I'm truly sick. I'm truly, truly sick. I'm
not faking it because I don't know. It's just this
whole level like they don't believe you. You have to
have all these symptoms, and if you don't show these symptoms,
blah blah blah, I will say I have yet test
(11:42):
positive for COVID. Doesn't mean I didn't have at any point.
I don't know. I don't think I've had any symptoms
for it. Again, we talked about how when we first
came back from l A, my partner and I both
got sick on intervals, but we never lost our since
the smell. We never had these certain things, but we
were out for a good week um with fevers that
would go like all these things, So we don't know.
(12:03):
We may have had it in that was before testing
was available all of those things. UM, and I haven't
done an antibody test, so I don't know. But for
the most part, outside of that, I've never had any
symptoms to show that I had any of the following things.
I did have one week of like this is definitely
my silences. My air was kind of hurting and like
all these things that I'm like, this goes to this.
You know, type of feeling and my face hurt, that
(12:25):
was the obvious sign. But because of those things, if
I'm not truly over the top six, then I don't tell.
I don't think I'm sick. I just feel bad. Of
course I'm gonna take that excuse to lay around. I'm like, oh,
I don't feel good. I just need a rest. Because
I also have very like a big believer in doing
things preventatively. So if you start getting signs, I know,
(12:47):
like for coals, not for everything else, but like typically
you can do some measures to try to prevent it
for being really bad. Um So that's where I'm trying
to get to. But if I'm sick, I have to
prove to you. But I am sick, and I'm going
to announce it and show you, whether it's the way
I'm speaking or I'm coughing or I'm sniff sniff, really
(13:07):
a promise I'm sick. But that's like it was a
weird reaction. That's why you just hide away during I'm
going to show it in the midst of it. Yeah,
but I think that's kind of it's kind of related
because I feel I've also struggle with um oh, people
won't believe me. I am the person who will put
off going to the doctor forever until I'm like, what
(13:28):
a dent you cannot say I'm not sick. And we've
talked about that with women who like statistics show they're
more likely to go to the doctor, but they're also
more likely to be dismissed, um for very serious things. Um.
So I think that that makes sense. And then I
also think, like, kind of oddly what we talked about
in self care, where there's this feminization that happens around
(13:52):
taking care of yourself and not necessarily it's looked down upon.
I guess I'm trying to say, and it shouldn't be,
but it is. And so that for me there's also
that level of but look how tough I am. I
could keep working. I can keep doing this stuff. And
in fact, um, my friend Marissa we went to this
(14:15):
if you're following me on Instagram, you've seen the pictures.
We went to the Stranger Things event um and I
had uh, pretty debilitating migraine during it and I thought
I was gonna vomit and all this stuff. And it
was a week later I told her, I was like,
you know, that whole night I was miserable, like it
was fun, but I was like seeing spots in my head,
(14:36):
was hurt and I was gonna throw up. And she
got got of frustrate with me, and she was like,
why didn't you feel like you could tell us that.
Why did you keep that to yourself and keep pushing through?
And I was like, well, I wanted to have fun.
I want everybody have fun, um, But it's that that
thing we've talked about of like so often women have
been socialized to make things easier for other people, and
(14:56):
they never asked that of me. They never wanted that,
but I did it. I took it on and it
was week Like a week later that was like, hey, yeah,
I was barely keeping it together right as you told me.
The next day you're like, oh my god, it was rough. Uh.
But that's kind of your thing as well, where you
can't disappoint people, so you go out and can't say no.
(15:18):
So you've learned to say no, you've not learned to cancel.
And I'm the Queen of canceling. I am the queen.
Like literally, Halloween didn't do two parties to go to.
All I did was like hey, and it was I
had a really rough week, a lot of like debilitating
mental health tie where I felt like it wasn't worth
being present, like not necessarily, which by the way, we
(15:40):
do need to have this conversation about passive suicidal ideation.
I didn't think much of it, but I was like, huh,
this is interesting, but that that wasn't where I was
at yet. But I was good, like spiraling essentially mental
health like guy, I was just anxious and felt really
down on myself and felt like I was beating myself up.
So it's really rough, weak because when I have weeks
like at where literally those times where you can't stop
(16:03):
thinking of an incident for the entire week and it
keeps you awake and you just feel haunted by it.
One of those and then several things just piled on
like that, so it was like awful, And then trying
to go to public to enjoy company with people who
want to have fun just felt impossible to me, and
so I canceled on everything and it was a delightful day.
(16:25):
Like my partner, thank god, he is as as kind
as he is, He's like, what do you want to
do instead of like let's go to Hmart. Let me
get my comfort Stu and then we came back home
and ate it while we watched a horror movie US
until I think you mutched Barbaria that day I can't remember,
but like it was that type of day and night
for me of like, Okay, this is where I am.
(16:46):
So I love canceling because also have friends on the
same level of like, if you don't feel like it,
just let's just not do it. Let's just get all,
you know, be honest with yourself. Because while and often
times there's day so I'm like, I'm glad I went
to something even though I did't feel like it because
it felt nice. But I've also been like I'm glad
I didn't go to this thing because it also felt nice.
(17:06):
So like as where I'm in that place in my
life you have always like you're taken a huge step
and being able to say no, thank you, I'm not
coming out, but to actually cancel plans that would be
Have you ever done that outside of emergencies outside of
your control? I don't. I don't think there's always a reason.
(17:27):
There's always like something that happened, something that happens as
the outside of your control, whether it's a car incident,
whether there's a family incident. Yeah. So outside of that note,
I don't think so like I'm almost giving examples of
where I actually did cancel because of migraine, because god,
I can't even believe I was standing. So'side of by control.
(17:49):
But you know, this instance, I didn't, That instance I did,
but yeah not Yeah, that's what I'm like. That's the like,
the difference of like. And I'm absolutely positive your friends
would have been completely fine because I know that they're
very sweet. They are kind people who love you dearly,
would go to the moon and back for you. So
they would have been like, Okay, it's that I also know,
(18:11):
and I don't know if this is the case or not.
Oftentimes you are the henchmen to a group and oftentimes
you're the life of the party. Is so people would
rather do it with you than without. Yeah, and that
was I hate that I did this. But after that
Stranger Things thing, which was fine, it was so fun,
I apologized everybody that went with me. I apologized and
(18:33):
I was like, I'm sorry I wasn't like my full
self to night. They were performed moments, girl, Because I
am usually that person that if there's you know, different
people who don't know each other as well or whatever.
I'm like, yeah, And that night I was like, oh God,
just don't throw up. But I was really interested to
(19:10):
hear because this this kind of is orbiting around a
lot of stuff we've talked about around like productivity and
morality and deprivation that I specifically deal with, and I
think a lot of people deal with around like just
taking care of yourself and food in particular. But also like,
I'm curious because I saw kind of a joke headline
that was about women who were so happy. It was
(19:36):
a joke, but it was happy to be sick because
it meant they could take a break from all the
work and the child care and all of this stuff.
I'm curious if, like women during the pandemic who have kids.
I don't know, my gut is telling me that there's
less of that happening and more of you have to
power through. But I would love to hear from listeners. Honestly,
(19:56):
just saw a tech talk in which a woman and
is recording her husband and they've been married for a
long time. And I don't know if she meant to
do this or she did. I don't know if she
thought it was gonna be a joke, and then everybody
got ahold of it and like your husband's trash, um,
because he was making heal openion poppers for a game day,
and he was complaining the entire time, saying, you know,
(20:19):
you could have done this, but you know, I guess
I will have to do it for myself because you
decided not to do this for me. Um, and went
on to say, you know, I went to golfing today
and I was hoping that you would have this done
by the time I got here so I can enjoy
the game that you want to watch and I want
to watch, But no, you said, on your butt. And
(20:39):
then he continued on to say, and I know you
just got done with your treatment quote unquote, so mean
he had. She had cancer treatment that day, but she
was just sitting on her but um, but you decided
not to do that for me. It was truly upset,
and it was so patronizing the entire conversation talking about
how you know, and she's like, yeah, and now you
can do it for yourself. I'm so proud of you.
(20:59):
And she was right. She was like, so now you're
so She's trying to get them to explain why he
was upset with her while he was doing this, and
she's like, looking at you, you're doing it. You're doing
a great job, and I'm sure it's gonna be delicious.
And he was like, well, you know, if you hadn't
been sitting on your butt all day, you could have
already had this done for me. And I know you
want to go sit and enjoy the game. I do too,
that level of like, she literally is going through cancer
(21:22):
and you weren't present with her because you went golfing,
and now you're mad because she went through I'm assuming chemo. What.
But that's kind of the narrative, and most people were
on her side because I think it's finally coming out
to be like, yeah, husbands are trash and this whole
nuclear family idea husbands are trash um not all I know,
(21:44):
I know, but when you see videos like this with
the expectation that her who is going through something traumatic
as chemo or cancer treatments or whatever, that entails to
him going golfing as if that's hard work. Yeah, And
I think a bigger conversation we could have about able
ism and like having to not make other people uncomfortable
(22:06):
if you are sick, um right, and the fact that
you have a sense of humor. Yeah, it's kind of
that other saying of like this is why we are
taught in society that showing witness as a woman physically
could be a detriment to whatever value you have in society. Yeah. Yeah,
(22:32):
oh my gosh. Um. Yeah. So I would love to
hear from listeners. I really because I've read, I've read
kind of competing things. But in my experience, a lot
of the women in my life just have to keep
doing stuff. Like maybe they'll i don't know, not go
out so they don't spread spread things, but they still
have to like make the lunches or whatever it is. Um,
(22:56):
that expectation. Uh, and that's certain me Again, a lot
of this was just me, my own stuff. But that's
how I felt, was like, well, I don't want to
inconvenience um anyone else. Yeah. Well, cheers, cheers, cheers, thank you,
(23:19):
thank you, thank you for being here with me. I
am grateful for you, are grateful for you smith It,
and I'm grateful for you listeners. So yeah, please right
in if you have any thoughts about about this, because
I would just love to know. Uh, And You can
do that via our email, which is Stephitely, Your Mom
Stuff and I Hurt mea dot com. You can find
us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast or Instagram that
(23:40):
Stuff I Never told You. Thanks as always to our
super producer Chris do you not Thank you? And thanks
to you for listening Stuffie Never Told You This protection
of by Heart Radio. For more podcast in My Heart Radio,
you can check out the radio at Apple Podcast wherever
you listen to favorite shops on
Hey, this is Sanny and Samantha. I don't know to Stephane,
never told you protection of iHeartRadio. It is Thursday, which
means it's time for another happy Hour. As always, if
you choose to drink, please do so responsibly. As this
(00:27):
comes out, it is Thanksgiving, so having Thanksgiving to everyone
who celebrates This wasn't really planned. This is just how
our schedule worked out. So happy Native American Heritage Day,
for Native Indigenous Heritage Day, all those things. Far as
People's Day, we celebrate you more than we celebrate Thanksgiving,
(00:47):
we promise, yes. But yeah, so this was just I've
actually this has been the topic I've been wanting to
talk about. It's been delayed for a long time. But
if you see the title, you're like, why are they
publishing this on Thanksgiving? It just worked out that way,
I promise. So I am sipping on my classic Gin
and Tonic with some basil or basil however you pronounce it,
(01:08):
because that's all I have. That's literally all I have,
even though today is Life Day, November Star Wars Holiday
and I should be having a Life Day specific drink.
But I just really fell through. I did not. Are
you not doing a celebration. I am doing a celebration
Marissa bringing the ingredients for all the things for life us.
(01:30):
Tonight tonight I will have a celebration, but for now
I only Yeah, yeah, I'm kind of surprised by those.
And by the way, y'all, she does have a Life
Day shirt on. I do not just for me, but
for Life Day, so well for you to. I did
(01:52):
get a nice text this morning with a wookie. Yes,
I think I sent like so many texts about life days.
So now if I look at my history, it's just
like Life Day gifts history. It's very very funny from
one of the out there. Oh poor Lumpy. At least
(02:12):
I didn't send you itchy could have done that rather not.
Uh yes, well, I am sipping on. I decided because
it is very cold in Georgia, and I'm sorry to
those who are in snowstorms. Probably like you don't know cold,
and that's true, and I don't like cold, so there's that.
But it is it hit thirty degrees last night to night.
(02:33):
I supposed to hit down to twenty eight. Don't love it?
Not a fan um. And then also that causes for
sniffles and all of that, which makes me also go,
oh my god, everybody's got COVID. But it's just the cold.
So I'm trying not to fall into that because also
if this is on Thanksgiving, I had a habit of
being sick constantly during the Thanksgiving day break, which was
(02:54):
weird to me. I would have fevers all the time,
and like the only times I would get sick it
was around Thanksgiving, which is funny because I actually I
really liked it Thanksgiving because I love food and that's
what it entailed. But yeah, so I'm drinking a hot toddy.
But I did a twist because I got the ginger
honey citrone tea. You know I'm talking about. That's pretty
(03:16):
much that Jammie make of lemons and oranges and the
peels and the ginger. So I got that and put
it with the echonation tea and added some whiskey for
the adult version. So I am sipping on my tea
because I'm trying not to get sick as my Thanksgiving
(03:36):
Day tradition. Yes, and that's a great segue into what
we're talking about today, because, as Samantha does, a couple
like a month or so ago, two months I had COVID.
I had COVID. She needed to tell us after I did,
but I did not go out. And it was actually
hilarious how how I was reading the CDC guideline and
(04:00):
I was like, oh, this is what I've been doing.
All right, I'm good. Like I didn't really have to
change much. The only thing I did was I got
groceries delivered. But other than that, I was kind of like, yeah, easy,
I can't stay in. Yeah. I didn't tell anybody. And
that's part of what I want to talk about, because
I think you know, a lot of us are you know,
(04:20):
going home? Uh, And there are still those concerns around
COVID or just even like the flu or illness um
in general. And I haven't been sick. I'm very very fortunate.
I haven't been sick and so long, like I think
I've had a science infection are two, but like over
(04:42):
ten years, I have not been sick, which is amazing
because we knew. We were just like absolutely, because Annie
doesn't get the regulars like this. She gets whatever is
the most uncommon and unlikely. We were like, and of
course you wouldn't get COVID, that's too common when it's
after yes, yes, I finally toppled out. I'll admit I
(05:06):
had the moment of like, oh, darn it, get me finally.
It did take me six tested to get the positive
even though I was pretty sure I had it, and
the sometimes are really mild because I've gotten all vaccines,
I've gotten boosted. It was very, very mild. But the
reason I wanted to talk about this, what we're talking
about today is illness and my reaction to it, uh
(05:28):
and what I've seen anecdotally, and Smith and I have
kind of different reactions, but there are some things that
I'm like, I'm kind of fascinated that this was my response. Um,
So I used to be very sick as a child.
I was very ill a lot um A lot of
that had to do with asthma. But yeah, it's been
a it's been a minute for me. And so literally
(05:50):
I got with my positive results and the first thing
I thought was this means I can have soup and
lay in bed, And that's just the saddest. That's so sad.
(06:18):
You're not the only one who thinks this way, Like
you have to run yourself down into the ground dragged
before you can truly rest, and then you have a
plausible reason and excuse to do so, as yes, I
am the opposite, and I'm like, oh, I kind of
feel sick not doing for three days, and I love
(06:41):
off of I like, at least you know, my half
of my pantry is just straight noodles, ramen, m H
and soups because I love soups so much. The minute
it turned like fifty degrees, I immediately went and made
vegetable soup. We made a Hungarian soup and it made
(07:03):
it twice because I loved it. I constantly go to
our h Mart because there's a restaurant ruined by two
Korean women that makes the best Kim gay and I'm like,
that will be my six soup. I guess if I
were to get sick at any point in time, and
and like you, I've actually been pretty lucky, especially in
the past few years, especially during COVID. And I say
this in that masks are amazing and I really feel
(07:26):
like it combated a lot of the germs that we
pick up, which is why I refused to stop. Like,
of course, if it makes it awkward and uncomfortable, I
go with status quo, which boo on me for doing that,
But I just don't want to stir up things as
an Asian woman in general. But like, I really feel
like that's really helped our immunity. But I have started
getting a little more sniffly as of late. I did
(07:46):
have an ear rate one day. I was like, no,
but yeah, like it. It is an amazing thing to me.
I'm like, I will find out. Yeah, damn, yeah, I'm wonderful.
I don't want to be sick. But if I even
have a sniff late done, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Coach,
I'm out. And you really have to take a test
six times and actually go through the symptoms, and a
week later, oh, now I'm sick, even though you've been
sick the entire time. And then you're like, but I'll
(08:09):
eat sup. But I won't tell anybody, and they're all
gonna be mad at me afterwards because I don't want
them to feel like they need to help me, even
though we would like love to do so, which is
an interesting response. Yeah, and that's sort of what I
wanted to pick apart because I've seen that with my
mom um. But you know, we've done episodes and you
can listen to them for like a more scientific uh
(08:30):
answer around like women in illness and like it's the
man fluid thing and all that stuff. But like I recorded,
I didn't take any days off or anything like. There
are episodes of Spinty that you can listen to where
I had COVID when we did it, and I knew
I had COVID. We're still recording separately from our home studios,
by the way, But it was it was tell me
you had COVID. I think we actually have that because
(08:51):
you told me I'm pretty sure I have COVID, and
then a couple days later, and then you didn't tell
me until way after. Yes, And that's that's another thing
like it. It was like I didn't want to draw
attention to myself. I didn't want to cause anybody any issues.
I didn't want to rock the boat. Um. I thought
i'd have much more of a reaction of like almost pride,
(09:13):
you know, like oh no, now I'm not one of
the ones who never got it. But it was much
more I'm like, I just don't want to bother anybody
about it, right. I love that you waited my favorite
part of this and announced it to you a friend
group way after, because you didn't want it to be
(09:34):
like gonna be mad at me for not telling them.
So I don't know how to do this. I'll just
wait and then just make it announced and built up.
And finally I was like, I need to hold a
conference call. And it's like everybody's attention for you. And
that's you know, like you said, people love to if
you care about someone, you love to care about them,
(09:55):
like send them stuff or make sure they're they're okay.
And my good friend Marissa, who is a nurse, she
she has kind of a reputation of in my friend group.
She finds out you have COVID. The next day you're
getting a shipment of like medications and soups at all,
Like it's so lovely and it's so nice, and I
(10:17):
don't like that. My first thing was like it was
like a kind of shrinking end of like, oh God,
I don't want anybody to feel like they have to
do anything for me or change your schedule for me
or whatever. Um. And again it wasn't. I didn't have
that many symptoms I had. I had like one night,
not even a day that was a little rough, but
otherwise it was fine. But I don't I don't know
(10:38):
It's just been so long since I've been sick that
I was kind of like, wow, this is this isn't great.
You're kind of like, I don't want anybody to take
care of me. I don't want anybody to know. I'm
just gonna continue forward. Maybe all that myself lay in
bed for a little bit longer than I really do.
So for me, it's I don't necessarily want you to
take care of me. As a fact, typically when I'm sick,
(11:00):
there's only one person that who could like come and
take care of me because I didn't like it, and
it used to be my mother. I'm like, that's the
only person I'll let near me. I guess now probably
be my partner since you know we live together and
all that. But I do want you to know. I
need to prove to you that I'm sick because I'm
afraid that everybody thinks I'm lying. So I have to
prove to you, look how awful I am, Look how
(11:21):
sick I am, Look how awful I sound. So I
need you to know that I'm not lying and making
this up. So I'm the opposite of like I'm niking
everybody aware I'm truly sick. I'm truly, truly sick. I'm
not faking it because I don't know. It's just this
whole level like they don't believe you. You have to
have all these symptoms, and if you don't show these symptoms,
blah blah blah, I will say I have yet test
(11:42):
positive for COVID. Doesn't mean I didn't have at any point.
I don't know. I don't think I've had any symptoms
for it. Again, we talked about how when we first
came back from l A, my partner and I both
got sick on intervals, but we never lost our since
the smell. We never had these certain things, but we
were out for a good week um with fevers that
would go like all these things, So we don't know.
(12:03):
We may have had it in that was before testing
was available all of those things. UM, and I haven't
done an antibody test, so I don't know. But for
the most part, outside of that, I've never had any
symptoms to show that I had any of the following things.
I did have one week of like this is definitely
my silences. My air was kind of hurting and like
all these things that I'm like, this goes to this.
You know, type of feeling and my face hurt, that
(12:25):
was the obvious sign. But because of those things, if
I'm not truly over the top six, then I don't tell.
I don't think I'm sick. I just feel bad. Of
course I'm gonna take that excuse to lay around. I'm like, oh,
I don't feel good. I just need a rest. Because
I also have very like a big believer in doing
things preventatively. So if you start getting signs, I know,
(12:47):
like for coals, not for everything else, but like typically
you can do some measures to try to prevent it
for being really bad. Um So that's where I'm trying
to get to. But if I'm sick, I have to
prove to you. But I am sick, and I'm going
to announce it and show you, whether it's the way
I'm speaking or I'm coughing or I'm sniff sniff, really
(13:07):
a promise I'm sick. But that's like it was a
weird reaction. That's why you just hide away during I'm
going to show it in the midst of it. Yeah,
but I think that's kind of it's kind of related
because I feel I've also struggle with um oh, people
won't believe me. I am the person who will put
off going to the doctor forever until I'm like, what
(13:28):
a dent you cannot say I'm not sick. And we've
talked about that with women who like statistics show they're
more likely to go to the doctor, but they're also
more likely to be dismissed, um for very serious things. Um.
So I think that that makes sense. And then I
also think, like, kind of oddly what we talked about
in self care, where there's this feminization that happens around
(13:52):
taking care of yourself and not necessarily it's looked down upon.
I guess I'm trying to say, and it shouldn't be,
but it is. And so that for me there's also
that level of but look how tough I am. I
could keep working. I can keep doing this stuff. And
in fact, um, my friend Marissa we went to this
(14:15):
if you're following me on Instagram, you've seen the pictures.
We went to the Stranger Things event um and I
had uh, pretty debilitating migraine during it and I thought
I was gonna vomit and all this stuff. And it
was a week later I told her, I was like,
you know, that whole night I was miserable, like it
was fun, but I was like seeing spots in my head,
(14:36):
was hurt and I was gonna throw up. And she
got got of frustrate with me, and she was like,
why didn't you feel like you could tell us that.
Why did you keep that to yourself and keep pushing through?
And I was like, well, I wanted to have fun.
I want everybody have fun, um, But it's that that
thing we've talked about of like so often women have
been socialized to make things easier for other people, and
(14:56):
they never asked that of me. They never wanted that,
but I did it. I took it on and it
was week Like a week later that was like, hey, yeah,
I was barely keeping it together right as you told me.
The next day you're like, oh my god, it was rough. Uh.
But that's kind of your thing as well, where you
can't disappoint people, so you go out and can't say no.
(15:18):
So you've learned to say no, you've not learned to cancel.
And I'm the Queen of canceling. I am the queen.
Like literally, Halloween didn't do two parties to go to.
All I did was like hey, and it was I
had a really rough week, a lot of like debilitating
mental health tie where I felt like it wasn't worth
being present, like not necessarily, which by the way, we
(15:40):
do need to have this conversation about passive suicidal ideation.
I didn't think much of it, but I was like, huh,
this is interesting, but that that wasn't where I was
at yet. But I was good, like spiraling essentially mental
health like guy, I was just anxious and felt really
down on myself and felt like I was beating myself up.
So it's really rough, weak because when I have weeks
like at where literally those times where you can't stop
(16:03):
thinking of an incident for the entire week and it
keeps you awake and you just feel haunted by it.
One of those and then several things just piled on
like that, so it was like awful, And then trying
to go to public to enjoy company with people who
want to have fun just felt impossible to me, and
so I canceled on everything and it was a delightful day.
(16:25):
Like my partner, thank god, he is as as kind
as he is, He's like, what do you want to
do instead of like let's go to Hmart. Let me
get my comfort Stu and then we came back home
and ate it while we watched a horror movie US
until I think you mutched Barbaria that day I can't remember,
but like it was that type of day and night
for me of like, Okay, this is where I am.
(16:46):
So I love canceling because also have friends on the
same level of like, if you don't feel like it,
just let's just not do it. Let's just get all,
you know, be honest with yourself. Because while and often
times there's day so I'm like, I'm glad I went
to something even though I did't feel like it because
it felt nice. But I've also been like I'm glad
I didn't go to this thing because it also felt nice.
(17:06):
So like as where I'm in that place in my
life you have always like you're taken a huge step
and being able to say no, thank you, I'm not
coming out, but to actually cancel plans that would be
Have you ever done that outside of emergencies outside of
your control? I don't. I don't think there's always a reason.
(17:27):
There's always like something that happened, something that happens as
the outside of your control, whether it's a car incident,
whether there's a family incident. Yeah. So outside of that note,
I don't think so like I'm almost giving examples of
where I actually did cancel because of migraine, because god,
I can't even believe I was standing. So'side of by control.
(17:49):
But you know, this instance, I didn't, That instance I did,
but yeah not Yeah, that's what I'm like. That's the like,
the difference of like. And I'm absolutely positive your friends
would have been completely fine because I know that they're
very sweet. They are kind people who love you dearly,
would go to the moon and back for you. So
they would have been like, Okay, it's that I also know,
(18:11):
and I don't know if this is the case or not.
Oftentimes you are the henchmen to a group and oftentimes
you're the life of the party. Is so people would
rather do it with you than without. Yeah, and that
was I hate that I did this. But after that
Stranger Things thing, which was fine, it was so fun,
I apologized everybody that went with me. I apologized and
(18:33):
I was like, I'm sorry I wasn't like my full
self to night. They were performed moments, girl, Because I
am usually that person that if there's you know, different
people who don't know each other as well or whatever.
I'm like, yeah, And that night I was like, oh God,
just don't throw up. But I was really interested to
(19:10):
hear because this this kind of is orbiting around a
lot of stuff we've talked about around like productivity and
morality and deprivation that I specifically deal with, and I
think a lot of people deal with around like just
taking care of yourself and food in particular. But also like,
I'm curious because I saw kind of a joke headline
that was about women who were so happy. It was
(19:36):
a joke, but it was happy to be sick because
it meant they could take a break from all the
work and the child care and all of this stuff.
I'm curious if, like women during the pandemic who have kids.
I don't know, my gut is telling me that there's
less of that happening and more of you have to
power through. But I would love to hear from listeners. Honestly,
(19:56):
just saw a tech talk in which a woman and
is recording her husband and they've been married for a
long time. And I don't know if she meant to
do this or she did. I don't know if she
thought it was gonna be a joke, and then everybody
got ahold of it and like your husband's trash, um,
because he was making heal openion poppers for a game day,
and he was complaining the entire time, saying, you know,
(20:19):
you could have done this, but you know, I guess
I will have to do it for myself because you
decided not to do this for me. Um, and went
on to say, you know, I went to golfing today
and I was hoping that you would have this done
by the time I got here so I can enjoy
the game that you want to watch and I want
to watch, But no, you said, on your butt. And
(20:39):
then he continued on to say, and I know you
just got done with your treatment quote unquote, so mean
he had. She had cancer treatment that day, but she
was just sitting on her but um, but you decided
not to do that for me. It was truly upset,
and it was so patronizing the entire conversation talking about
how you know, and she's like, yeah, and now you
can do it for yourself. I'm so proud of you.
(20:59):
And she was right. She was like, so now you're
so She's trying to get them to explain why he
was upset with her while he was doing this, and
she's like, looking at you, you're doing it. You're doing
a great job, and I'm sure it's gonna be delicious.
And he was like, well, you know, if you hadn't
been sitting on your butt all day, you could have
already had this done for me. And I know you
want to go sit and enjoy the game. I do too,
that level of like, she literally is going through cancer
(21:22):
and you weren't present with her because you went golfing,
and now you're mad because she went through I'm assuming chemo. What.
But that's kind of the narrative, and most people were
on her side because I think it's finally coming out
to be like, yeah, husbands are trash and this whole
nuclear family idea husbands are trash um not all I know,
(21:44):
I know, but when you see videos like this with
the expectation that her who is going through something traumatic
as chemo or cancer treatments or whatever, that entails to
him going golfing as if that's hard work. Yeah, And
I think a bigger conversation we could have about able
ism and like having to not make other people uncomfortable
(22:06):
if you are sick, um right, and the fact that
you have a sense of humor. Yeah, it's kind of
that other saying of like this is why we are
taught in society that showing witness as a woman physically
could be a detriment to whatever value you have in society. Yeah. Yeah,
(22:32):
oh my gosh. Um. Yeah. So I would love to
hear from listeners. I really because I've read, I've read
kind of competing things. But in my experience, a lot
of the women in my life just have to keep
doing stuff. Like maybe they'll i don't know, not go
out so they don't spread spread things, but they still
have to like make the lunches or whatever it is. Um,
(22:56):
that expectation. Uh, and that's certain me Again, a lot
of this was just me, my own stuff. But that's
how I felt, was like, well, I don't want to
inconvenience um anyone else. Yeah. Well, cheers, cheers, cheers, thank you,
(23:19):
thank you, thank you for being here with me. I
am grateful for you, are grateful for you smith It,
and I'm grateful for you listeners. So yeah, please right
in if you have any thoughts about about this, because
I would just love to know. Uh, And You can
do that via our email, which is Stephitely, Your Mom
Stuff and I Hurt mea dot com. You can find
us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast or Instagram that
(23:40):
Stuff I Never told You. Thanks as always to our
super producer Chris do you not Thank you? And thanks
to you for listening Stuffie Never Told You This protection
of by Heart Radio. For more podcast in My Heart Radio,
you can check out the radio at Apple Podcast wherever
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