August 1, 2012 • 23 mins
Why do some women get a sudden, irrational longing for a baby? Do men get 'baby fever'? Join Cristen and Caroline as they examine the telltale signs of 'baby fever.'
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.
It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff Mom never told you?
From house stuff Works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. Caroline. I don't
(00:20):
know if you have noticed a similar thing among your girlfriends,
but as we have progressed now into our later twenties
approaching the thirties, no big deal. Um. The term baby
fever seems to come up in conversation more because a
lot of girlfriends are in longer term relationships settling down,
(00:46):
and inevitably it seems that the next thing to pop
up is do you want a baby? And this even
comes up for friends of mine who are not in relationships,
but who really all of a sudden are thinking and
talking about babies, and we walk by babies and there
(01:07):
have fits of baby joy. Yeah. I uh that that
has happened to some of my friends. I have witnessed that.
I myself have not experienced it, but I get like
that when I see puppies. So I have puppy fever. Yes.
Separate podcast and according to Time Magazine in a September
(01:27):
two thousand and eleventh study. The article that was published,
they defined baby fever as the quote irrepressible, inexplicable urge
to make a baby, just whip one up. Yeah, it's
sort of like an obsession almost, And we'll get into
it later, but baby fever can be something that you
(01:48):
have constantly. I have a friend who, from the time
we were practically babies, wanted a baby, and she has
a son now and she couldn't be happier and he's
a great kid. Then I have other friends who, you know,
we never really thought about it, never really talked about it,
but all of a sudden, they hit a certain age
where they were found themselves in a very serious relationship
and all of a sudden it was like babies. So
(02:10):
it can kind of come up in different ways. Yeah,
And the reason there was a baby fever fever in
two thousand eleven because of a study that came out
of Kansas State University, UH and it was published by
a husband and wife team, Gary and Sandra Brace, and
they studied the phenomenon of baby fever for ten years
(02:32):
and found that it is in fact a genuine physical
and emotional phenomenon. Yeah. Gary Brace said that baby fever
to go on and define it a little bit more.
Is this idea out in popular media that at some
point in their lives people get this sudden change in
their desire to have children. And there are a lot
of things that go along with that. Symptoms, you know,
(02:54):
the way that you feel, the way that you behave
a lot of things kind of change when the baby
fever hits. Yeah. I mean I will say that I've
had probably mild cases of baby fever, you know, from
more like like a two day virus or something that
will come and go. And uh, most recently I noticed
that I was just walking down the street and a
(03:16):
little stroller past with a cute baby inside. Was anyone
pushing it or was the baby just roll mystry It
was just rolling down the street by itself. Kid was
taking himself out for a stroll. And uh, oh man,
I was I surprised myself at how adorable I thought
that child was. I was just like, well, oh, I
(03:38):
would just like to scoop you wait, no, no, I
don't keep walking. Um So, And the thing is about
baby fever is that it's not necessarily linked to the
biological clock, which is something we have not done a
podcast on that we probably should um. And it varies
from person to person like you. I have friends who
(04:00):
seem to have wanted a child since they were children, UM,
to people who don't want kids at all, UM. And
it can change within you over time, like my you know,
different brushes with it, your hourly changes in your baby desire. UM.
Possible explanations for the FEVA include the socio cultural view,
(04:23):
which is that people, especially women, people are acculturated to
crave babies, like we're nurturers where mommy's we want to
take care of everybody. So we're just built in our
DNA to crave babies, to have them, not to eat them,
of course. Yeah, I mean we give little girls baby
dolls as toys. I mean we I mean from from childhood.
(04:46):
Yet it's it's literally put in their arms. Yeah. And
Gary Brace said that related to the socio cultural view,
that people might think they want to have children because
they are supposed to have children. And I'm these people
will remain nameless, but I have known people who maybe
they should not have had kids, but it was just
(05:06):
sort of like the next step, like we're grown up,
so now we do this. So that's that's a thing. Um.
And but you know what, the socio cultural view, according
to the Brazes study, was not found to be that
great of a predictor of how strongly someone felt a
desire to have children. And then next up they tested
out something called the byproduct view, which is the idea
(05:27):
that people want to fulfill an urge to nurture. And
this isn't quite as gendered as that socio cultural view, um,
but it's just this idea that we innately, um, want
to take care of something. Yeah, especially as we you know,
get older, mature, get into relationships and whatnot. Um. The
theory that they found to be most accurate is the
(05:49):
adaptionist view, which is that baby fever is an emotional
signal that subconsciously hints to the brain that it might
might be a good time to have a baby. Uh,
why wait, have a baby? Um. They found that the
things that really affected how people thought about babies, baby fever,
having their own children, um is whether you had positive
(06:10):
or negative exposure to children in your life. And you're
basically what you thought about the trade offs, whether you
thought it was worth it as far as education, career, money,
social life to give up some things in favor of
gaining different things with having a child, which means that
if you perhaps they're in a relationship with someone who's
(06:31):
come down with a major case of baby fever, male
or female, if you want to possibly uh chill out
those symptoms, uh find I don't know, a daycare and
just have them hang out with kids who throw temper tantrums.
And really, because it's that negative exposure that the bracest
(06:52):
found will will turn you off from that baby fever. Yeah,
And I mean there are a lot of people who
and we've talked about this to kind of in different
respects and too in episodes, but you know there are
people who once they get a little older and they've
really been out in the world, some people just decide
they don't want to give up a particular lifestyle sure
to have children. But other people are like, I will
give up whatever it takes to have bundles of joy
(07:14):
of my own. So digging into this BRACE study a
little bit more, the way that they investigated baby fever
and um how much men and women exhibit it was
that they had people rank their desires of sex, money, fame,
and having a kid, and they found that baby fever
(07:36):
exists in both genders. UM, But how frequently a desired
for a baby occurred did very according to gender. Not
so surprisingly, women more often were like, yes, I want
a baby more than I want sex, whereas guys were like, um,
I want sex. I mean i'll take a kid, but
i'll take a kid. I mean if it's part of
(07:57):
the package. Whatever. A tooth thousand seven finished study finished
as in Finland not whatever. Uh this is in the
Journal of Evolutionary Psychology surveyed men and women as to
whether they had experienced a strong wish to have a child,
and found that seventy eight percent of women had experienced
this strong desire, but fifty eight percent of men had
(08:19):
as well. That's a lot of dudes. And I I
also have known guy friends who have talked about really
wanting kids, who are all about it, and we'll do
this similar thing of when we walking down the street
and like, look at that cool kid. Yeah, a baseball.
I don't know what I'm hanging out. I want to have. Yeah,
they want to have my little buddy, like those commercials
from the eighties. UM. In this study, this two thousand
(08:41):
and seven study, they found that women in their thirties
and forties reported having longed for children, often more frequently
than younger or older women. Uh So, I don't know.
Maybe that's just a lifestyle thing. Maybe you're in your
wild twenties and then as you start to settle down
in your thirties, you're like, I, I want to have
a child, and you have that thought more often than
you did when you in your twenties. And then for men,
(09:02):
it's a similar kind of pattern of the longing for
a kid increasing with age. And I feel like that
might have also something to do with that socio cultural
aspect of well, you've done all these things, your life
is set up. Society says, well, now raise something. And
there's the issues of like I want to pass on
(09:23):
my name or my genes and my whatever whatever alab
a you jokes, yeah exactly, and then hate you when
they turned thirteen. Some to do on Mother's Day. I
don't know. But there are also a lot of people,
and this is from that Finnish study as well, who
have never had a strong desire for kids. Um and
(09:44):
thirty nine point three percent of childless woman report that,
and fifty four point nine percent of childless men saying yeah,
I just really never never was into the whole idea. Yeah,
and they did point out that it's much more common
for a woman to try to persuade the man to
have a child, and they site empty arms syndrome like,
you know, this strong overwhelming physical and emotional desire to
(10:06):
just hold something like that's why you get a puppy.
Uh Andy. They say that, you know, there are hormonally
related changes connected to pregnancy, and these two things are
highly gendered. Obviously. The pregnancy obviously is highly gendered. If
you've had a kid, or you've experienced pregnancy before, you're
more likely to have baby fever. Again. Yeah, and I
think I have read articles where it talks about how
(10:28):
for men, especially once the uh their partner has the
first child, their chances of really wanting the second one
even more so than uh than the wife. Yeah, good illustration.
Not that this is entirely accurate. I'm just totally gonna
pick on my friends Clay and Jessica. Um, but Jessica
had wanted kids. She was an only child and had
(10:49):
wanted a brood of like thirty children since she was little.
Had always wanted a lot of kids because she hated
being an only child. So she and her husband get
pregnant and she's like she's doing the nesting thing. Know,
she's buying the joys and the clothes and she's getting
everything all set and she's so excited and you know
she's staying at home and rebin or belly and whatnot. Meanwhile,
Clay is like rock climbing and at the gym and
(11:12):
going out to the bars. And they had a huge,
like giant fight about it. But once she's like, I
just hope that once the baby comes, you actually want
to spend time with your family, you know, pregnancy Mormons anyway,
Um yeah, once the baby came, of course, he was
absolutely in love with this child. But it's just a
different experience for the person carrying the child and the
(11:32):
person who's just like kind of along for the ride
during the pregnancy, who's rock climbing for nine months. Um yeah.
That finished study also put forth a couple of different
explanations for why we get this desire for or by
by we some of us, I should say, get this
(11:52):
desire for babies. And they suggest that it might have
been evolved through mate selection. And it's essentially this notion
that men and women who are sympathetic to babies and
like the idea of having kids display themselves as good
prospective parents. And as far as another reason, you know,
as related to evolution genetics, Uh, this whole baby desire
(12:15):
may appear as a result of psychophysical changes. And they
say that early in our evolution, most women were mothers,
and all women were exposed daily to babies and infants.
So really the default mode of the female body, they say,
is to have experienced both nurturing and pregnancies by the
early twenties. So there's like a troop wire that kind
of goes off, and your early twenties, it's like, oh,
(12:36):
what what should I be nurturing something? Where's something for
me to hold? And so they say that therefore, longing
for a baby can develop as a byproduct of hormonal
changes that evolved to prepare women for motherhood. Well, there's
also one other point that was raised in this study,
because it seems like baby fever, as this sort of
cultural thing is relatively new, and it i also have
(13:00):
something to do with the fact that women have greater
control over fertility because of birth control, and now it's
more of a choice as to when we do or
don't have a child. I feel like the idea of
baby fever being something that is talked about in terms
of like do you want one or not? Because I guess,
you know, think about it. A while ago, it was
(13:22):
just assumed like he would have a child, probably whether
you wanted one or not. Yeah, you you definitely followed
a path, a path, you know. You you you might go
to school, then you get married, then you of course
are going to have a family and retire and raise
those kids and whatnot. Now it's definitely more of like
a well are you with anybody? Are you in a
serious relationship? Are you going to wait until you are
(13:42):
to have a child? Like decisions? Make a decision, yeah,
because I mean also the marriage rates were so young,
you don't really have time to even wait around for
the thief that to strike exactly. Just ask Betty draper Um. So,
what though, are the symptoms of baby fever aside from
this kind of nebulous desire. I mean, we know what
(14:04):
what it is that is wanted, i e. Baby, but
what does that feel like? Well? The Finnish study that
we were talking about earlier broke it down and I
was really surprised, I mean because like I said, this
is not anything I have had personal experience with. But
there are women who have actual physical symptoms UM. This
(14:26):
They cite unbelievable aching the womb, feeling burned, pinched and convulsed,
breast that feel heavy in response to seeing a baby,
So like actual physical like I'm looking at a baby
and I just want to freakingt hold it. Yeah. Some
of the women on a more emotional level described their
womb demanding something like feeling, you know, a gentle knocking
(14:51):
in their uterus. Yeah, like a temptation, they say, you know,
a temptation that went against common sense. So maybe, like
you know how I said earlier, you know, you have
to make a decision. Are you going to wait until
you're in a serious relationship or married or whatever? You know,
you have to if if your life isn't in the
right place that you wanted to be. Maybe this baby
fever is going against common sense. So you have a
(15:12):
little bit of anxiety longing. They describe it as sometimes
a burden um. And then there might be more mental
symptoms of dreams, uncontrollable thoughts, fear of death, and loneliness,
low self esteem, and not so surprisingly also envy of
mothers and pregnant peers. Yeah, and this envy or low
(15:35):
self esteem can actually affect your behavior sometimes. Women in
this study said that they felt such envy uh and
kind of baby fever and everything that they actually ended
relationships with friends who had babies, like they did not
even want to be around women who were mothers. Well,
I mean, and imagine, like how if we're thinking about
this in terms of um, I mean, baby fever makes
(15:58):
it sound like something crazily the women do. But I
can understand that kind of anxiety and starry and difficulty
being around pregnant people if you are a woman who
you know, stay, you're settled down and you're trying to
have a child and you cannot you know, if you
are infertile and are having those kind of issues, I'm
sure it can be incredibly difficult to experience. Um. But
(16:19):
if it can also lead to behavior that is kind
of risky choosing to have have unprotected sex for instance,
or yeah, like some people will go off their preferred
form of birth control and not tell their partner things
like that, And that's part of the whole coercion persuasion thing.
And there's the whole you know, like making a partner
(16:41):
choose between child and divorce is one of the things
that was cited in the studies You you make me,
this is one fever that cannot be cured by cowbell um.
One of the triggers they mentioned. Age. We've touched on
that early twenties is a big period. Then thirty five,
so we're right around that that that second stage of
(17:03):
baby is coming. Yeah, and then things like biological clock.
While they're not entirely connected, it's the same thing like, Okay,
I'm getting older, Like what am I doing with my life?
There's also falling in love, feeling like you're secure in
a relationship. Now, I gotta stay. Of all of the
baby fever sources that we did run across, babel dot
com offered an interesting list of signs that you have
(17:29):
baby fever, which includes pretending you're pregnant, um not minding
when kids are crying. You just want to hold that
little screaming baby. Uh. You talk about babies constantly. You
stop in the baby aisle at the grocery store, maybe
just to pick up some baby food, just a sample,
just in case. You offered a babysit for free. All
the time you get the feeling that someone is missing
(17:52):
and you want to have sex more, but not because
you love it, because you're hoping that the birth control
fails and you oopsie baby. Yeah. So we've gone around
and around and around talking about how baby fever does
affect a lot of us, a majority of men and women,
but there's still a large population of women and men
(18:15):
of course, but women are kind of the dominant ones
in this conversation, UM who have had an equally strong
desire to remain child free. We've done an episode on
the child free lifestyle, and it's something that you know,
you really do have to fight for against those sort
of socio cultural forces that that might say, hey, where's
(18:37):
where's the baby, where's the beef? Yes, where where is
the baby beef? UM? One theory about women who don't
want to have children or um don't have baby fever
whatsoever is that perhaps they have a high testosterone level
or were exposed to above average testosterone in the womb.
(18:57):
And before you get like touchy into offensive and think
I'm talking smack, I mean I don't have any baby
fever right now either. This is just another episode where
I question whether my testosterone levels are elevated. UM. And
the same way that a lot of women and men
have had a constant desire, you know, over the years,
(19:18):
to have a baby one day, there are just as
many people who have had a constant lack of interest
in children. And this this lack of desire basically can
end up especially if you've had it forever, if you've
ever since you were a kid, you didn't like playing
with dolls, you didn't really care about other children or
babies or whatever. Um, it really becomes a defining part
of your identity because if you grow up with this
(19:40):
thing in your head, like I'm not gonna have children,
it kind of becomes a part of who you are.
And author Laura Scott said that she did a survey
and found that seventy seventy percent of the women she
surveyed had no desire to have a child and no
maternal instinct. So that's that's a big chunk. Obviously, that's
not everybody. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's a specific population.
(20:02):
Um and some some coral it's to people who choose
to and desire to remain child free. That's coming from
Christen Park, a sociologist. UM are that they are both
men and women tend to be more educated, more likely
to work in professional occupations, more likely to live in
urban areas, less religious, and less conventional. Uh. But there's
(20:24):
also it makes sense. You hear that a lot about
like higher income, higher education with people who don't have kids.
But guess what, it's because kids are a massive financial
and time investment. Um, So you know, I think the
moral of the story is that baby fever exists for
men and women alike, but it is not the rule. No,
(20:49):
it's not the rule. I also think baby fever should
be treated very very carefully by the person who has
it and that person's partner, because you might have baby fever,
but it might not be something that's good for you
or your family. It might not even be And and
I'm sorry if I if I sound harsh or whatever
when I say this, but it might not even be genuine.
(21:10):
It might just be like this emotional kind of termoil
you're going through for whatever reason. Maybe you've had three
kids and you kind of have baby fever for a
fourth one, but maybe that's not right for you or
your family. So yeah, and and also just because you
have baby fever, don't start like pressuring your family or
avoiding friends who have babies. Don't become a trickster in
(21:31):
the bedroom. Okay, out for that wink. So, so who's
had baby fever? To raise your hands and guys out there,
what we want to hear from you too? Because, like
I said, why do you guys want some babies? So
you can send us your letters about baby fever at
mom stuff at Discovery dot com. And uh, we have
(21:55):
a couple of letters here on a lighter note about
jock straps. So this first one is coming from Angela
and she says has always excellent podcast. I think I
just finished listening to the Athletics Support podcast and thought
I would share a funny little story. About a month ago,
(22:17):
my brother texted me while they were out shopping for
a cup from my young nephew to wear during softball.
My nephew thought that they all looked too big, but
he found a chine strap that he thought would be
the right size. Great stuff to embarrass him with in
about twenty years. You just replaying this podcast? Ah yeah,
This one is from Zoe, same topic. She says, I
(22:39):
hate that I know this, but I have a brother
who's three years older than me and was a catcher
in high school baseball. The nut cup I hate that
it is called that, she says, is removable from the
fabric and it can be washed in the dishwasher. See
that contradicts what that other person told us that you
shouldn't do that, she says. Then the fabric is thrown
in the clothes wash. Sure, it is very disturbing and
(23:01):
potentially scarring for a twelve year old girl to empty
the dishwasher and have to remove her brother's nut cup.
Disclaimer those were her words online. So thank you, Zoe, Yes,
thanks to everyone who has written in with nut cup
stories and so much more. Mom Stuff at discovery dot
com is where you can send your emails. You can
(23:22):
also send us a note on Facebook and tweet us
at Mom's Stuff podcast. And if you want to learn
so much more about babies and where they come from,
you can head over to our website It's how stuff
works dot com for more on this and thousands of
other topics. Does it how stuff works dot Com brought
(23:49):
to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray. It's ready,
Are you
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.
It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff Mom never told you?
From house stuff Works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. Caroline. I don't
(00:20):
know if you have noticed a similar thing among your girlfriends,
but as we have progressed now into our later twenties
approaching the thirties, no big deal. Um. The term baby
fever seems to come up in conversation more because a
lot of girlfriends are in longer term relationships settling down,
(00:46):
and inevitably it seems that the next thing to pop
up is do you want a baby? And this even
comes up for friends of mine who are not in relationships,
but who really all of a sudden are thinking and
talking about babies, and we walk by babies and there
(01:07):
have fits of baby joy. Yeah. I uh that that
has happened to some of my friends. I have witnessed that.
I myself have not experienced it, but I get like
that when I see puppies. So I have puppy fever. Yes.
Separate podcast and according to Time Magazine in a September
(01:27):
two thousand and eleventh study. The article that was published,
they defined baby fever as the quote irrepressible, inexplicable urge
to make a baby, just whip one up. Yeah, it's
sort of like an obsession almost, And we'll get into
it later, but baby fever can be something that you
(01:48):
have constantly. I have a friend who, from the time
we were practically babies, wanted a baby, and she has
a son now and she couldn't be happier and he's
a great kid. Then I have other friends who, you know,
we never really thought about it, never really talked about it,
but all of a sudden, they hit a certain age
where they were found themselves in a very serious relationship
and all of a sudden it was like babies. So
(02:10):
it can kind of come up in different ways. Yeah,
And the reason there was a baby fever fever in
two thousand eleven because of a study that came out
of Kansas State University, UH and it was published by
a husband and wife team, Gary and Sandra Brace, and
they studied the phenomenon of baby fever for ten years
(02:32):
and found that it is in fact a genuine physical
and emotional phenomenon. Yeah. Gary Brace said that baby fever
to go on and define it a little bit more.
Is this idea out in popular media that at some
point in their lives people get this sudden change in
their desire to have children. And there are a lot
of things that go along with that. Symptoms, you know,
(02:54):
the way that you feel, the way that you behave
a lot of things kind of change when the baby
fever hits. Yeah. I mean I will say that I've
had probably mild cases of baby fever, you know, from
more like like a two day virus or something that
will come and go. And uh, most recently I noticed
that I was just walking down the street and a
(03:16):
little stroller past with a cute baby inside. Was anyone
pushing it or was the baby just roll mystry It
was just rolling down the street by itself. Kid was
taking himself out for a stroll. And uh, oh man,
I was I surprised myself at how adorable I thought
that child was. I was just like, well, oh, I
(03:38):
would just like to scoop you wait, no, no, I
don't keep walking. Um So, And the thing is about
baby fever is that it's not necessarily linked to the
biological clock, which is something we have not done a
podcast on that we probably should um. And it varies
from person to person like you. I have friends who
(04:00):
seem to have wanted a child since they were children, UM,
to people who don't want kids at all, UM. And
it can change within you over time, like my you know,
different brushes with it, your hourly changes in your baby desire. UM.
Possible explanations for the FEVA include the socio cultural view,
(04:23):
which is that people, especially women, people are acculturated to
crave babies, like we're nurturers where mommy's we want to
take care of everybody. So we're just built in our
DNA to crave babies, to have them, not to eat them,
of course. Yeah, I mean we give little girls baby
dolls as toys. I mean we I mean from from childhood.
(04:46):
Yet it's it's literally put in their arms. Yeah. And
Gary Brace said that related to the socio cultural view,
that people might think they want to have children because
they are supposed to have children. And I'm these people
will remain nameless, but I have known people who maybe
they should not have had kids, but it was just
(05:06):
sort of like the next step, like we're grown up,
so now we do this. So that's that's a thing. Um.
And but you know what, the socio cultural view, according
to the Brazes study, was not found to be that
great of a predictor of how strongly someone felt a
desire to have children. And then next up they tested
out something called the byproduct view, which is the idea
(05:27):
that people want to fulfill an urge to nurture. And
this isn't quite as gendered as that socio cultural view, um,
but it's just this idea that we innately, um, want
to take care of something. Yeah, especially as we you know,
get older, mature, get into relationships and whatnot. Um. The
theory that they found to be most accurate is the
(05:49):
adaptionist view, which is that baby fever is an emotional
signal that subconsciously hints to the brain that it might
might be a good time to have a baby. Uh,
why wait, have a baby? Um. They found that the
things that really affected how people thought about babies, baby fever,
having their own children, um is whether you had positive
(06:10):
or negative exposure to children in your life. And you're
basically what you thought about the trade offs, whether you
thought it was worth it as far as education, career, money,
social life to give up some things in favor of
gaining different things with having a child, which means that
if you perhaps they're in a relationship with someone who's
(06:31):
come down with a major case of baby fever, male
or female, if you want to possibly uh chill out
those symptoms, uh find I don't know, a daycare and
just have them hang out with kids who throw temper tantrums.
And really, because it's that negative exposure that the bracest
(06:52):
found will will turn you off from that baby fever. Yeah,
And I mean there are a lot of people who
and we've talked about this to kind of in different
respects and too in episodes, but you know there are
people who once they get a little older and they've
really been out in the world, some people just decide
they don't want to give up a particular lifestyle sure
to have children. But other people are like, I will
give up whatever it takes to have bundles of joy
(07:14):
of my own. So digging into this BRACE study a
little bit more, the way that they investigated baby fever
and um how much men and women exhibit it was
that they had people rank their desires of sex, money, fame,
and having a kid, and they found that baby fever
(07:36):
exists in both genders. UM, But how frequently a desired
for a baby occurred did very according to gender. Not
so surprisingly, women more often were like, yes, I want
a baby more than I want sex, whereas guys were like, um,
I want sex. I mean i'll take a kid, but
i'll take a kid. I mean if it's part of
(07:57):
the package. Whatever. A tooth thousand seven finished study finished
as in Finland not whatever. Uh this is in the
Journal of Evolutionary Psychology surveyed men and women as to
whether they had experienced a strong wish to have a child,
and found that seventy eight percent of women had experienced
this strong desire, but fifty eight percent of men had
(08:19):
as well. That's a lot of dudes. And I I
also have known guy friends who have talked about really
wanting kids, who are all about it, and we'll do
this similar thing of when we walking down the street
and like, look at that cool kid. Yeah, a baseball.
I don't know what I'm hanging out. I want to have. Yeah,
they want to have my little buddy, like those commercials
from the eighties. UM. In this study, this two thousand
(08:41):
and seven study, they found that women in their thirties
and forties reported having longed for children, often more frequently
than younger or older women. Uh So, I don't know.
Maybe that's just a lifestyle thing. Maybe you're in your
wild twenties and then as you start to settle down
in your thirties, you're like, I, I want to have
a child, and you have that thought more often than
you did when you in your twenties. And then for men,
(09:02):
it's a similar kind of pattern of the longing for
a kid increasing with age. And I feel like that
might have also something to do with that socio cultural
aspect of well, you've done all these things, your life
is set up. Society says, well, now raise something. And
there's the issues of like I want to pass on
(09:23):
my name or my genes and my whatever whatever alab
a you jokes, yeah exactly, and then hate you when
they turned thirteen. Some to do on Mother's Day. I
don't know. But there are also a lot of people,
and this is from that Finnish study as well, who
have never had a strong desire for kids. Um and
(09:44):
thirty nine point three percent of childless woman report that,
and fifty four point nine percent of childless men saying yeah,
I just really never never was into the whole idea. Yeah,
and they did point out that it's much more common
for a woman to try to persuade the man to
have a child, and they site empty arms syndrome like,
you know, this strong overwhelming physical and emotional desire to
(10:06):
just hold something like that's why you get a puppy.
Uh Andy. They say that, you know, there are hormonally
related changes connected to pregnancy, and these two things are
highly gendered. Obviously. The pregnancy obviously is highly gendered. If
you've had a kid, or you've experienced pregnancy before, you're
more likely to have baby fever. Again. Yeah, and I
think I have read articles where it talks about how
(10:28):
for men, especially once the uh their partner has the
first child, their chances of really wanting the second one
even more so than uh than the wife. Yeah, good illustration.
Not that this is entirely accurate. I'm just totally gonna
pick on my friends Clay and Jessica. Um, but Jessica
had wanted kids. She was an only child and had
(10:49):
wanted a brood of like thirty children since she was little.
Had always wanted a lot of kids because she hated
being an only child. So she and her husband get
pregnant and she's like she's doing the nesting thing. Know,
she's buying the joys and the clothes and she's getting
everything all set and she's so excited and you know
she's staying at home and rebin or belly and whatnot. Meanwhile,
Clay is like rock climbing and at the gym and
(11:12):
going out to the bars. And they had a huge,
like giant fight about it. But once she's like, I
just hope that once the baby comes, you actually want
to spend time with your family, you know, pregnancy Mormons anyway,
Um yeah, once the baby came, of course, he was
absolutely in love with this child. But it's just a
different experience for the person carrying the child and the
(11:32):
person who's just like kind of along for the ride
during the pregnancy, who's rock climbing for nine months. Um yeah.
That finished study also put forth a couple of different
explanations for why we get this desire for or by
by we some of us, I should say, get this
(11:52):
desire for babies. And they suggest that it might have
been evolved through mate selection. And it's essentially this notion
that men and women who are sympathetic to babies and
like the idea of having kids display themselves as good
prospective parents. And as far as another reason, you know,
as related to evolution genetics, Uh, this whole baby desire
(12:15):
may appear as a result of psychophysical changes. And they
say that early in our evolution, most women were mothers,
and all women were exposed daily to babies and infants.
So really the default mode of the female body, they say,
is to have experienced both nurturing and pregnancies by the
early twenties. So there's like a troop wire that kind
of goes off, and your early twenties, it's like, oh,
(12:36):
what what should I be nurturing something? Where's something for
me to hold? And so they say that therefore, longing
for a baby can develop as a byproduct of hormonal
changes that evolved to prepare women for motherhood. Well, there's
also one other point that was raised in this study,
because it seems like baby fever, as this sort of
cultural thing is relatively new, and it i also have
(13:00):
something to do with the fact that women have greater
control over fertility because of birth control, and now it's
more of a choice as to when we do or
don't have a child. I feel like the idea of
baby fever being something that is talked about in terms
of like do you want one or not? Because I guess,
you know, think about it. A while ago, it was
(13:22):
just assumed like he would have a child, probably whether
you wanted one or not. Yeah, you you definitely followed
a path, a path, you know. You you you might go
to school, then you get married, then you of course
are going to have a family and retire and raise
those kids and whatnot. Now it's definitely more of like
a well are you with anybody? Are you in a
serious relationship? Are you going to wait until you are
(13:42):
to have a child? Like decisions? Make a decision, yeah,
because I mean also the marriage rates were so young,
you don't really have time to even wait around for
the thief that to strike exactly. Just ask Betty draper Um. So,
what though, are the symptoms of baby fever aside from
this kind of nebulous desire. I mean, we know what
(14:04):
what it is that is wanted, i e. Baby, but
what does that feel like? Well? The Finnish study that
we were talking about earlier broke it down and I
was really surprised, I mean because like I said, this
is not anything I have had personal experience with. But
there are women who have actual physical symptoms UM. This
(14:26):
They cite unbelievable aching the womb, feeling burned, pinched and convulsed,
breast that feel heavy in response to seeing a baby,
So like actual physical like I'm looking at a baby
and I just want to freakingt hold it. Yeah. Some
of the women on a more emotional level described their
womb demanding something like feeling, you know, a gentle knocking
(14:51):
in their uterus. Yeah, like a temptation, they say, you know,
a temptation that went against common sense. So maybe, like
you know how I said earlier, you know, you have
to make a decision. Are you going to wait until
you're in a serious relationship or married or whatever? You know,
you have to if if your life isn't in the
right place that you wanted to be. Maybe this baby
fever is going against common sense. So you have a
(15:12):
little bit of anxiety longing. They describe it as sometimes
a burden um. And then there might be more mental
symptoms of dreams, uncontrollable thoughts, fear of death, and loneliness,
low self esteem, and not so surprisingly also envy of
mothers and pregnant peers. Yeah, and this envy or low
(15:35):
self esteem can actually affect your behavior sometimes. Women in
this study said that they felt such envy uh and
kind of baby fever and everything that they actually ended
relationships with friends who had babies, like they did not
even want to be around women who were mothers. Well,
I mean, and imagine, like how if we're thinking about
this in terms of um, I mean, baby fever makes
(15:58):
it sound like something crazily the women do. But I
can understand that kind of anxiety and starry and difficulty
being around pregnant people if you are a woman who
you know, stay, you're settled down and you're trying to
have a child and you cannot you know, if you
are infertile and are having those kind of issues, I'm
sure it can be incredibly difficult to experience. Um. But
(16:19):
if it can also lead to behavior that is kind
of risky choosing to have have unprotected sex for instance,
or yeah, like some people will go off their preferred
form of birth control and not tell their partner things
like that, And that's part of the whole coercion persuasion thing.
And there's the whole you know, like making a partner
(16:41):
choose between child and divorce is one of the things
that was cited in the studies You you make me,
this is one fever that cannot be cured by cowbell um.
One of the triggers they mentioned. Age. We've touched on
that early twenties is a big period. Then thirty five,
so we're right around that that that second stage of
(17:03):
baby is coming. Yeah, and then things like biological clock.
While they're not entirely connected, it's the same thing like, Okay,
I'm getting older, Like what am I doing with my life?
There's also falling in love, feeling like you're secure in
a relationship. Now, I gotta stay. Of all of the
baby fever sources that we did run across, babel dot
com offered an interesting list of signs that you have
(17:29):
baby fever, which includes pretending you're pregnant, um not minding
when kids are crying. You just want to hold that
little screaming baby. Uh. You talk about babies constantly. You
stop in the baby aisle at the grocery store, maybe
just to pick up some baby food, just a sample,
just in case. You offered a babysit for free. All
the time you get the feeling that someone is missing
(17:52):
and you want to have sex more, but not because
you love it, because you're hoping that the birth control
fails and you oopsie baby. Yeah. So we've gone around
and around and around talking about how baby fever does
affect a lot of us, a majority of men and women,
but there's still a large population of women and men
(18:15):
of course, but women are kind of the dominant ones
in this conversation, UM who have had an equally strong
desire to remain child free. We've done an episode on
the child free lifestyle, and it's something that you know,
you really do have to fight for against those sort
of socio cultural forces that that might say, hey, where's
(18:37):
where's the baby, where's the beef? Yes, where where is
the baby beef? UM? One theory about women who don't
want to have children or um don't have baby fever
whatsoever is that perhaps they have a high testosterone level
or were exposed to above average testosterone in the womb.
(18:57):
And before you get like touchy into offensive and think
I'm talking smack, I mean I don't have any baby
fever right now either. This is just another episode where
I question whether my testosterone levels are elevated. UM. And
the same way that a lot of women and men
have had a constant desire, you know, over the years,
(19:18):
to have a baby one day, there are just as
many people who have had a constant lack of interest
in children. And this this lack of desire basically can
end up especially if you've had it forever, if you've
ever since you were a kid, you didn't like playing
with dolls, you didn't really care about other children or
babies or whatever. Um, it really becomes a defining part
of your identity because if you grow up with this
(19:40):
thing in your head, like I'm not gonna have children,
it kind of becomes a part of who you are.
And author Laura Scott said that she did a survey
and found that seventy seventy percent of the women she
surveyed had no desire to have a child and no
maternal instinct. So that's that's a big chunk. Obviously, that's
not everybody. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's a specific population.
(20:02):
Um and some some coral it's to people who choose
to and desire to remain child free. That's coming from
Christen Park, a sociologist. UM are that they are both
men and women tend to be more educated, more likely
to work in professional occupations, more likely to live in
urban areas, less religious, and less conventional. Uh. But there's
(20:24):
also it makes sense. You hear that a lot about
like higher income, higher education with people who don't have kids.
But guess what, it's because kids are a massive financial
and time investment. Um, So you know, I think the
moral of the story is that baby fever exists for
men and women alike, but it is not the rule. No,
(20:49):
it's not the rule. I also think baby fever should
be treated very very carefully by the person who has
it and that person's partner, because you might have baby fever,
but it might not be something that's good for you
or your family. It might not even be And and
I'm sorry if I if I sound harsh or whatever
when I say this, but it might not even be genuine.
(21:10):
It might just be like this emotional kind of termoil
you're going through for whatever reason. Maybe you've had three
kids and you kind of have baby fever for a
fourth one, but maybe that's not right for you or
your family. So yeah, and and also just because you
have baby fever, don't start like pressuring your family or
avoiding friends who have babies. Don't become a trickster in
(21:31):
the bedroom. Okay, out for that wink. So, so who's
had baby fever? To raise your hands and guys out there,
what we want to hear from you too? Because, like
I said, why do you guys want some babies? So
you can send us your letters about baby fever at
mom stuff at Discovery dot com. And uh, we have
(21:55):
a couple of letters here on a lighter note about
jock straps. So this first one is coming from Angela
and she says has always excellent podcast. I think I
just finished listening to the Athletics Support podcast and thought
I would share a funny little story. About a month ago,
(22:17):
my brother texted me while they were out shopping for
a cup from my young nephew to wear during softball.
My nephew thought that they all looked too big, but
he found a chine strap that he thought would be
the right size. Great stuff to embarrass him with in
about twenty years. You just replaying this podcast? Ah yeah,
This one is from Zoe, same topic. She says, I
(22:39):
hate that I know this, but I have a brother
who's three years older than me and was a catcher
in high school baseball. The nut cup I hate that
it is called that, she says, is removable from the
fabric and it can be washed in the dishwasher. See
that contradicts what that other person told us that you
shouldn't do that, she says. Then the fabric is thrown
in the clothes wash. Sure, it is very disturbing and
(23:01):
potentially scarring for a twelve year old girl to empty
the dishwasher and have to remove her brother's nut cup.
Disclaimer those were her words online. So thank you, Zoe, Yes,
thanks to everyone who has written in with nut cup
stories and so much more. Mom Stuff at discovery dot
com is where you can send your emails. You can
(23:22):
also send us a note on Facebook and tweet us
at Mom's Stuff podcast. And if you want to learn
so much more about babies and where they come from,
you can head over to our website It's how stuff
works dot com for more on this and thousands of
other topics. Does it how stuff works dot Com brought
(23:49):
to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray. It's ready,
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