September 25, 2019 • 29 mins
Mentors and role models can be hugely empowering for women. Anney gushes about her mom, and we discuss the value of having strong women in our lives.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stefan.
Ever told your production of I Heart Radio's House Stuff Works?
This episode all about mentors and strong women in role models.
Goes out to my mom because her birthday is tomorrow
(00:29):
as we record this, but it was it was soon
ish right whenever you hear it, And I did want
to do a list of things I love about my
mom because she's my favorite. Um. The number one thing
is she's kind and kindness is one of my most
valued traits in anybody. I haven't met her yet, but
everything you've told of me, I'm like, she's the most patient,
(00:51):
genuinely giving person. Yeah that just sounds like wow. Yeah,
she's very caring, she's empathetic. She calls me sweetness. She's
strong and funny and fun and wants to make sure
everyone else is having fun. She's handled a lot of
tragedy with grace. She knows what your favorite meal is
and we'll make it for you when you're sad or happy,
(01:13):
or when she's just thinking of you. She has a
southern accent that makes it hard for drive through employees
to understand her. Really yep uh. The infamous example is
when We were at a Zaxby's and she wanted water,
and they thought she was saying order, so they thought
she wanted a second order, but she was saying water
or water? Is that a cuthern thing? Or is that
(01:35):
the more like? I feel like that's southern. And there's
a YouTube star who does that too, and he's from Atlanta,
apparently in water water and every time he does it
they make fun of him and put in translation. It
was quite funny. It was one of those like who's
on first? Just took forever. Eventually she was like, forget
to order. It's fine. Um she does. She also gets
(01:57):
a lot of modern things just slightly wrong. Back in
my my chemical romance phase. She called them my potions
addiction because she was combining fantastic. Actually, that sounds like
a Harry Potter cover. Van should be. Wow. She's easy
to talk to you. She's a great listener. She used
(02:17):
to take the longer way to my gymnastics class because
it had a steep hill that I liked going up
and down and pretending it was a roller coaster. Um.
Every year she hides Easter eggs just for me. You
make a lot of money off those, A lot of money.
That's amazing. I know, I feel like I want to
come over and so fun and there's money to be
getting all the money. My favorite part about Thanksgiving is
(02:41):
clicking with Fairwell. We drink course light out of silver,
goblets are fancy. We're super fancy. She's brave. She's packed
alone in all kinds of isolated places you can't find online,
and she draws maps of those areas that she has
shared with co workers in this office who've been curious,
and she has a hands drawn maps so of you.
It's awesome. Um. She's happy to try new things like
(03:05):
moonshine if you want to try. John Snow seemed to
be here at a bar she's in even though she
doesn't know what. Um. And one of my favorite pictures
I've ever posted on Instagram. I was trying to show
her what a selfie was and instead of looking at
the camera, she kissed me on the cheek and it's
one of my favorite pictures we've ever taken. That's adorable. Yeah,
she volunteers, she helps others. She remembers the little things
(03:27):
that you mentioned and then brings them up years later,
like remember how your favorite song when you were in
seventh grade was that Matrix song for by p O D.
And I'm like, no, I can't believe you remember. That's amazing. Um.
She indulges me in my silly quest like going to
every store to find a cheap PlayStation four, which we did.
It took forever, but we did. She didn't laugh at
(03:49):
me when I was nine and cried because I realized
I would, in fact, never marry Ryan Gosling. It was
out of the cars. It's a tough day for me. Um,
She's excited to learn new thing. She'll watch a bad
movie with me and listen to me talk about Harry
Potter and Marvel all day. She encouraged me to travel.
She forgives where I try to forget. She never tries
(04:10):
to change me and all my weirdness. She's my cheerleader
and she's in my corner and I love her and
she loves me, and I know that she does, and
her actions and in her words, she has made it
impossible for me to think otherwise, even on my lowest day.
And I could go on and on, but if she's
listening now, she's blushing. Even though I'd like to do
a whole podcast about her, probably should we can? Oh gosh,
(04:34):
I would love to. Don't tempt me. Uh, And my
mom and I look a lot of like. And sometimes
people come up to me and they'll think I'm her,
and instead of being like angry because she's older than me,
I'm like, always so flatter. I love that. I'll love
those pictures of the parents daughter group and they're like,
are they sisters? Who was who was the older? Yeah,
(04:57):
she's we do. We do look a lot of like.
I see it. But yes, this episode is not all
about my mom, but I wanted to talk about her
because it's her birthday, and also she has been a
really beneficial and powerful role model and mentor in my life,
and we wanted to look into why that's so important.
(05:19):
And one of the big things is if you can
see it, you can be it. We've said it so
many times on the show before. It simplification, but it
does open up so many doors you may have thought
were closed to you if you see someone that you
can see yourself in doing doing something. Studies have found
this impacts men too. If men never see women doing
(05:41):
a thing, whatever it might be, they might think women
can't do it either. A study out of India found
that one exposed to at least two female village leaders,
men were more likely to vote for women. A recent
theory suggests that role models are helpful in three ways behavioral, inspirational,
and cential. One of the things that has come up
(06:01):
a lot in our female first segments is these amazing
women reporting how hard it was to do everything that
they did without a role model or mentor someone they
can look to to see because they're the first, um,
there was no one like them. Do you get advice
from or to learn from? Um? A recent study found
that a nine percent of women made more aspirational life
(06:24):
goals when around a woman they admire and middlely. The
study was in part sponsored by Linquisine, but also by
n y U College professor, so there's that. It found
that after a conversation with a woman that they found inspirational,
women were more likely to think about the things they
wanted as opposed to what they believe society expected of them.
Having a female role model can help women deal with
(06:45):
all the self doubt and self criticism that often plagues
a lot of us, especially when we do something society
tells us isn't really for women? Is in a place
women can succeed in isn't a space for women. The
National Science Foundation recently sponsored a study that found that
pair to male faculty, tenured or tenured track, female faculty
were more likely to have mentors. Female assistant professors with
(07:07):
mentors were more likely to get grants than those without
a mentor. A study from the Air Force Academy and
to economists at the University of California Davis found, as
reported by Ray Fisman, over a slate quote, when a
female instructor was put at the front of the classroom,
nearly two thirds of the grade point gender gap evaporated.
The study authors acknowledged the difficulty of isolating any one
(07:28):
thing when it comes to improving grades, and that's one
of the reasons they chose a military college for their study,
with the hopes of minimizing as many of those factors
as possible. A different study from KMPG found that women
really want mentorship and really benefit from it. Reported that
they needed a support group to foster the confidence they
needed to be leaders. The same number indicated they'd learned
(07:50):
the most valuable leadership lessons from other women. Several studies
have shown mentorship to be especially helpful when it comes
to women in tech. Still, even with a mentor, the
ristoidn't rate for women and STEM fields is one out
of four women compared to one out of ten men.
The importance of mentoring our young folks can't be underestimated either.
(08:10):
Negative stereotypes about women and stem impacts girls as early
as twelve and when they started reporting a declining interest.
Seen study found that black students were more likely to
graduate if they had at least one black teacher between
third and fifth grade. Other research found that women are
more likely to enroll in upper level classes when they've
had experience with a female role model in that field,
(08:31):
even a minor one, and women can relate to issues
faced by other women being the only one in the
boardroom salary negotiations are being spoken over. Men can totally
be good mentors for both men and women to However,
one of the interesting side effects of the Me too
movement is that, according to some studies, more than half
of male managers are now nervous and avoidant when it
(08:53):
comes to working closely with women. Mentorship is different from sponsorship.
I just want to put that in there, which is
sponsorship is valuable as well, uh, and this is when
someone in a position of power speaks for you, vouches
for you, actively helps advance your career. Um, And I
did read there aren't that many pieces out there about this,
(09:13):
but there are some about like stop looking from mentors,
which you need as a sponsor. You probably benefit from both, right,
But you know mentor. When we say mentor, a lot
of what we're talking about is informal, although companies do
have formal programs. And if this is something you're interested in,
mentorship is in an involved process, which is a relationship beyond,
(09:34):
then just let me help you with this one thing.
And I know for my kids having a mentor it
makes a vast difference someone that they can turn to,
someone they trust, someone that they can help them in
times of needs without feeling judged. And that's a lot
of the mentorship. But it's not judging but helping. And
I know according to one study, one very important study
(09:55):
about adolescens, the likelihood of them reoffending or going down
a negative have is lessened if they have one positive
influence or mentor in their life and it makes a
vast amount of difference in their future. Yeah, so pretty
important stuff and we have some more important stuff to
talk about, but first we have a quick break for
words from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsoring.
(10:32):
So now we wanted to talk about if if you're
hearing this and you're taking oh my gosh, I gotta
go out and get me a mentor finding one, let's
talk about that. Uh. Like we said, many companies do
offer a formal mentorship program, so be sure to see
if that's an option where you work. However, we could
definitely do better. Overall, m a program is valuable because
(10:52):
it normalizes a work culture that promotes learning, growing and
asking for help and and just having that structure in place,
like knowing that this person is available or interested, very
very helpful. Of note, you can get a mentor for
non work stuff too, like just that somebody in your life,
like my mom wasn't my mentor for work or anything.
(11:14):
She's more of my role model but also a kind
of a mentor. And that's the whole um idea that
I was saying previously before the ad is this mentoring
is just beyond this one thing. It's a whole life
changing process, hopefully in a good way. When it comes
to choosing a mentor A couple of things, UM, know
(11:35):
what you want out of the relationship, and be able
to communicate that. Do communicate that, and don't be afraid
to be selective, be open to hearing constructive criticism and
to actually heating advice. But for someone who has the
experience you want, is qualified and passionate in your field,
and has the bandwidth and desire to be a mentor,
and is generally nice, I would say it will be
(11:56):
a positive influence in your life. And this is more
works stuff, And for me, I had a mentor for
this job, although it was more back when I was
a producer. My old boss, Roxanne, whose voice a lot
of you may recognize as the one that has long
introduced our fellow podcast stuff you should know and stuff
you missed in history class. She was a great listener,
(12:19):
She had your back, she had everyone's back. Um. She
made time out of her day for me, gave me
advice and constructive criticism and praise. She gave me ideas UM.
And it also was very straightforward with me about the
pros and cons of like pursuing certain positions at the
company and work home life balance. And to this day
we still meet up very valuable relationship to me. I
(12:41):
think when it comes to this job, technically you learned
from Saver as well as Caroline, but with unladylike are
my mentor of what what the hell am I doing?
And checking in I'm like is this good? Is this bad?
Am I just completely off the chart and trying to
do what I'm doing? And y'all of that. And it's
been really nice to have because I could not imagine
(13:03):
trying to do this and being like, yeah, I don't
know I'm doing because I don't. And it's That's another
good point is it doesn't have to be I think
when people think of mentors, they think of someone years
older than you, way older and like, way more qualified. Um.
And it doesn't have to be that way at all. Um.
And we'll come back to that too. Servas and studies
(13:24):
show plenty of women are willing to be mentors. So
why it's mentoring among women so relatively rare. The consensus
seems to be women are afraid to ask, or for
some reason or another aren't asking. Well. Of course, time
commitment is a big thing as well. If you want
to be a mentor or if you want a mentor,
don't be afraid. You probably know a woman in your
life happy to step in to fill that role. Yeah. Um,
(13:50):
it's it's one of those things. It doesn't have to
be a super formal It can be, but it doesn't
have to be. Sometimes it does feel like it's kind
of stockeration, like Hey, I really like what you're doing.
You want to be my mentor? Well, you just you
say anything in that voice. It feels a little starrish.
You didn't like that voice. I'm just saying maybe your
(14:12):
approach needs I'll I'm staring at you like this. Yeah,
there's like an eyebrow thing happen, which is funny because
my eyebrows really can't move. Well, they're doing something right now,
doing creepy way to go Samantha. Yeah, well, well we'll
discuss this after the podcast. Um. And this brings us
(14:35):
to how to be a mentor? Um. According to a
d d I World study, women shy away from being
mentors for three main reasons. Women don't ask other women
to be mentors. A lack of time on the part
of the mentor. Women don't feel they have an appropriate
level of expertise to mentor, which is that damn imposter
(14:57):
syndrome again and entering. It's not a one way street. UM.
It's not only helpful for the mentee, but for the
mentor as well. It's a it's a mutually beneficial relationship,
or it should be. UM. As a mentor, you'll improve
your listening skills, You'll you'll learn, you'll become more compassionate
and empathetic, You'll push yourself to do better. I was
(15:21):
a mentor in college and on and off informally in
my career, and I found it to be super rewarding. UM.
And I know I felt some anxiety and being a
mentor that I wasn't good enough, didn't know enough. And yeah,
I know I'm not the only one that feels like that.
But the value of just having someone there listening, a
(15:42):
person you can talk to. Don't underestimate that. Like, if
you can do at least those things right, that's that's
a pretty good foundation. UM. I remember once and I
hope no one judges me for this, but I jokingly
told a mentia of mine, I guess and what was
a very serious to own there is no fate to
no fate, but what would make and I was exhausted,
(16:05):
and advice is hard and retired and I'm a nerd
and I really just I was kidding. But weeks later
she came up to me so grateful for my great
advice and yeah that was a quote from T two
Judgment Day. But it helped her, you know, Harmonader actually
never like sees that movie feels such crushing betrayal. She
(16:30):
stole that lit well. I didn't know what she was
talking about at first, like, oh, what advice? And then
later I was like, oh no, um, and yes, yes,
you should do better than that, better than spounding quotes
from James Cameron movies. But don't let yourself be too
scared away from being a mentor because you're not perfect.
I mean, to be fair, you maybe and you just
(16:51):
don't know it. When you form some types of relationships,
it becomes kind of that way when you're there to
help and and you could just be I'm a good friend,
but I mean coming in and checking in. Of course,
there's a balance. But you may be mentoring someone without
knowing you're mentoring someone. That's totally true. There's so many
people in my life that I don't know if they
(17:12):
realize the huge impact they have. And one of them, Um,
some when I met in China, I was so sad
I had to leave. I was so sad, and she said, like,
very simply, sometimes people come into your life exactly when
you need them, and then they have to leave. And
I still think about it to this day. I was like,
(17:34):
does she do she do? But she probably has no idea.
I still think about that. Um. Another thing, A lot
of the key things a minty wants to learn from
a mentor isn't so much technical but more um kind
of personal, not personal, but like communication, skills, negotiation, leadership.
So if you're thinking, oh, I can barely do this
(17:56):
job myself, right, um, that was me. I'm not putting
that on anyone else. But when I first started editing,
I thought that A lot a lot of a lot
of people are more like how do I talk to
my boss? Or how do I sell these skills that
I have? How do I communicate better? How can I
be a better leader? And how can I delegate things
that aren't necessarily so skills such job based. I will say,
(18:20):
I just used you for that literally ten minutes ago.
She did. She so advertise you're willing this to mentor
if you're in stim volunteers, speak to schools, volunteer and
working with students. You know, Um, I think there's a
lot to be said. I know in colleges they offer
older students with younger students to help in different types
(18:40):
of fields or whatnot. So that's always good to do
as well. Yeah, and I had that program in my
school when I was in elementary school. And um, Zoe,
if you're listening, Zoe, I remember you, and you you
really inspired me. Uh yeah, so I very much see
the benefit and things like that. Um. Some tips once
(19:00):
you find a mentor mentee, have structured meetings with set
times frequencies. This is more for the formal stuff, com
prepared with goals and objectives as the mentee and homework
as the mentor. Um. And that doesn't have to be
like write this thing out, but more like maybe the
will focus on this and you can work on this,
starting to read this thing or whatever it might be.
(19:21):
You like the homework I do. I used to ask
for extra homework. I was a nerd. You were, but
you were I was just were Amantha. Now you are
technically I'm too, just in different ways and visibility of
how women work, which for a variety of reasons like
(19:43):
children or elder care may be different than men. It's
really really, really, really really important. Yeah, And my most
recent meeting with someone who I wouldn't say she's my mentee,
but she kind of reached out to me and was like, Hey,
I'm interested in doing pursuing kind of what you're doing,
and can we sit down and talk? And I was
(20:04):
very upfront with like, I love my job, but it
means X, Y and Z. It's from my home wife,
it means this, and like just being open about what
it really takes for you to do what, especially in
the job like this where there's kind of a public aspect,
like what does it take to get to where we
are right now? And that's honestly exactly why I come
(20:27):
to you and come to people who have been in
this field for a very long time. I'm not gonna
pretend like I know what's going on. You know, and
it's okay. You know your weaknesses, you know your strengths,
improve your weaknesses, and this is how you do it.
You seek it out and it's better to know, obviously
than not know, and it's better to admit that you
don't know. So how do I find help? And kind
(20:49):
of like how I'm doing. I don't necessarily have an
individual mentor. I literally seek people out in their specialties
and or and the expertise because I know I can
get this from you come like how people. People come
in seasons. They have attributes and things that you don't know,
which makes it an amazing thing, which is what I
love about meeting new people. You find different things that
(21:10):
you're like, oh wow, I can learn from that. Do it?
Oh absolutely? And um I think one article I read
kind of going off of that said you shouldn't be
looking for mentors, but friend tours exactly. And so that's
another way of looking at it. If you're not into
this whole idea of like a more structured mentorship or
(21:33):
you're just I don't want to say embarrassed, but maybe
like a friend tours an easier thing for you to pursue.
I mean for me, Um, I trusted. I have a
huge trust issue in general, and I'm so much better now,
but that was part of the thing, is like how
do I trust you in all these aspects? And I
don't want to be disappointed or I don't want to
(21:54):
disappoint you all of those levels and being able to
kind of bring people in your groups and lovingly do
these things and then come up with a fact like
I don't know this aspect again, let's talk and you
teach me about this, and then kind of the same
thing with you know, my exportas of social work. So
I do get the hey, you're a social workers. So yeah,
(22:15):
and as annoying as it that can be, sure, I
understand why, and it's actually very appropriate and smart. Yeah,
unless you're asking for a session, then that's weird, right, Yeah,
don't I feel like a lot of my friends who
are nurses get the hate. Oh yeah, weird. Yeah, yeah,
if they're off and you start randomly pointing at scars,
I mean, yeah, that's a different episode. Also, you can't
(22:42):
have more than one mentor, and you can have more
than one mentee. You can be both a mentor and
a mentee. Your mentor can be your age or younger
can be older, can be formal or informal. No labels
as they say these days, um also also not quite
the same. But seeing being it is important when it
comes to our media, especially the media children consume as well.
(23:04):
That's something we've talked about a lot, but worth worth restating.
We do have just a little bit more for you listeners,
but first we have one more quick break for word
from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsoring, And
(23:31):
we wanted to touch briefly on why this matters, even
though I think it's been sprinkled throughout this episode already.
At one there are more men named Dave. Then there
are women total on the list of CEOs of the
f t S. E really more named. I think like
there were a bunch of names I saw on different websites. Roberts,
(23:53):
I don't remember if I saw Robert, but I Dave
stuck out Dave. Dave. Damn it, Dave. What is the
quote from two thousand one? I'm sorry, Dave, I just
can't do that. So I'm afraid I can't do that.
Thank you, Andrew, Yes, thank you. Andrew. Cameraports that although
(24:17):
women do six of the world's work, we make amasly
ten of global income and own less than one percent
of the world's property. That's that's not my stomach does
not like that. My whole body of the global income. Yeah,
one pent of the world's property. That's I'm sorry, Yeah
(24:40):
it is. Study after study has found that our companies
and our economy as a whole benefits from diversity. Think
of how many ideas were missing out on by not
having women and other marginalized groups at the table, whatever
table that might be. Think of how many ideas we
would have missed out on if not for women breaking
(25:00):
barriers and overcoming obstacles. You know, one of the things
I think about social media. My coworker and I talked
about what we're talking about different um issues that are
happening and just kind of catching up and when when
I'm going to coworker with my other job um. And
she is a very strong black woman and I love
her to death. And one of the things we're talking
about was how she sees Twitter and how we see Twitter,
(25:23):
and the differences that she's like, as she calls it,
black Twitter. I already knew this, and then white people
are saying bringing this along like that's been fifteen years,
and the dynamic of the split is more noticeable now
that we have that social media content of and even
though it's still separated unfortunately and not as consumed or
interchangeably consumed, I guess um that it's it's such a
(25:45):
dynamic things like what are we missing out on you know,
and then you start realizing because now you have ability
to see that content, which is really really important. Absolutely
it is UM and I one thing and I know
we've talked about this before too, but like having that
(26:06):
friends who is the strong person? Always worth like because
sometimes people who are strong have their their days that
are or they're down to or they're feeling down about
themselves as well. And I in a mentor mentee relationship
which can be doesn't have to be, but can be
more of a like personal friendship relationship. Just good to
(26:30):
keep that in mind, you know, check in, check in,
always check in it on people. So that's about what
we have to say about mentors and role models today.
But we are introducing a new thing at the end
of our episodes. We wanted to make sure that as
we had previously had episodes about supporting women and supporting
(26:52):
women in podcasting, specifically in our field, because we know
the statistics, UM, that we continue to actually emphasize that.
And so as I am learning this whole world of
social media, UM, I've been checking out different Twitter sites
and different podcasts. Twitter sites is that word like, how
(27:13):
up to date? How good at this? What is this.
I was on the Twitter site on the Twitter side,
it told me it tweeted at me. Um. There's so
many people who are asking for suggestions like female, Um,
what are your favorite female podcast female lead podcasts? And
so I'm going through every single one of them, clicking
on like, oh like this one and I like this one.
(27:34):
So for you that I saw was she Nangan's with Friends,
hilarious content. I was just like, oh, yeah, I want
to be your friend. Just her. She was interviewing a
specific person. It was the you need to check it out, okay,
nerdy bitches, it would be up your alley. It sounds
like you know, and black girls do stuff too. And
I enjoyed every bit of all of those things. And um,
(27:55):
it's a really good content. So if you love listening
to our stuff, go check their stuff out. Yeah, and
we would love to hear your suggestions for podcasts. We
should be shouting out if you do a podcast. We've
heard from some people, UM, let us know. And one
of the ways you can do that is through email.
Yep on the email site says that I'm not email
(28:16):
to me. Yeah, does it tweet at you too? I
think so? Okay, cool? I think so our email is
stuff Media mom Stuff at I heart media dot com.
Our Twitter is at mom Stuff Podcast, and Instagram is
stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as always to our
super producer Andrew Howard. He was there moments ago he
(28:37):
decided to leave me like my songs. Oh he loves
your songs. Um, and thanks to you for listening. Thank you.
Stuff Mom Never Told You is a prediction of I
Heart Radios. How stuff works for more podcasts from my
heart radio is heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or ever
you listen to your favorite shows. Wh
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stefan.
Ever told your production of I Heart Radio's House Stuff Works?
This episode all about mentors and strong women in role models.
Goes out to my mom because her birthday is tomorrow
(00:29):
as we record this, but it was it was soon
ish right whenever you hear it, And I did want
to do a list of things I love about my
mom because she's my favorite. Um. The number one thing
is she's kind and kindness is one of my most
valued traits in anybody. I haven't met her yet, but
everything you've told of me, I'm like, she's the most patient,
(00:51):
genuinely giving person. Yeah that just sounds like wow. Yeah,
she's very caring, she's empathetic. She calls me sweetness. She's
strong and funny and fun and wants to make sure
everyone else is having fun. She's handled a lot of
tragedy with grace. She knows what your favorite meal is
and we'll make it for you when you're sad or happy,
(01:13):
or when she's just thinking of you. She has a
southern accent that makes it hard for drive through employees
to understand her. Really yep uh. The infamous example is
when We were at a Zaxby's and she wanted water,
and they thought she was saying order, so they thought
she wanted a second order, but she was saying water
or water? Is that a cuthern thing? Or is that
(01:35):
the more like? I feel like that's southern. And there's
a YouTube star who does that too, and he's from Atlanta,
apparently in water water and every time he does it
they make fun of him and put in translation. It
was quite funny. It was one of those like who's
on first? Just took forever. Eventually she was like, forget
to order. It's fine. Um she does. She also gets
(01:57):
a lot of modern things just slightly wrong. Back in
my my chemical romance phase. She called them my potions
addiction because she was combining fantastic. Actually, that sounds like
a Harry Potter cover. Van should be. Wow. She's easy
to talk to you. She's a great listener. She used
(02:17):
to take the longer way to my gymnastics class because
it had a steep hill that I liked going up
and down and pretending it was a roller coaster. Um.
Every year she hides Easter eggs just for me. You
make a lot of money off those, A lot of money.
That's amazing. I know, I feel like I want to
come over and so fun and there's money to be
getting all the money. My favorite part about Thanksgiving is
(02:41):
clicking with Fairwell. We drink course light out of silver,
goblets are fancy. We're super fancy. She's brave. She's packed
alone in all kinds of isolated places you can't find online,
and she draws maps of those areas that she has
shared with co workers in this office who've been curious,
and she has a hands drawn maps so of you.
It's awesome. Um. She's happy to try new things like
(03:05):
moonshine if you want to try. John Snow seemed to
be here at a bar she's in even though she
doesn't know what. Um. And one of my favorite pictures
I've ever posted on Instagram. I was trying to show
her what a selfie was and instead of looking at
the camera, she kissed me on the cheek and it's
one of my favorite pictures we've ever taken. That's adorable. Yeah,
she volunteers, she helps others. She remembers the little things
(03:27):
that you mentioned and then brings them up years later,
like remember how your favorite song when you were in
seventh grade was that Matrix song for by p O D.
And I'm like, no, I can't believe you remember. That's amazing. Um.
She indulges me in my silly quest like going to
every store to find a cheap PlayStation four, which we did.
It took forever, but we did. She didn't laugh at
(03:49):
me when I was nine and cried because I realized
I would, in fact, never marry Ryan Gosling. It was
out of the cars. It's a tough day for me. Um,
She's excited to learn new thing. She'll watch a bad
movie with me and listen to me talk about Harry
Potter and Marvel all day. She encouraged me to travel.
She forgives where I try to forget. She never tries
(04:10):
to change me and all my weirdness. She's my cheerleader
and she's in my corner and I love her and
she loves me, and I know that she does, and
her actions and in her words, she has made it
impossible for me to think otherwise, even on my lowest day.
And I could go on and on, but if she's
listening now, she's blushing. Even though I'd like to do
a whole podcast about her, probably should we can? Oh gosh,
(04:34):
I would love to. Don't tempt me. Uh, And my
mom and I look a lot of like. And sometimes
people come up to me and they'll think I'm her,
and instead of being like angry because she's older than me,
I'm like, always so flatter. I love that. I'll love
those pictures of the parents daughter group and they're like,
are they sisters? Who was who was the older? Yeah,
(04:57):
she's we do. We do look a lot of like.
I see it. But yes, this episode is not all
about my mom, but I wanted to talk about her
because it's her birthday, and also she has been a
really beneficial and powerful role model and mentor in my life,
and we wanted to look into why that's so important.
(05:19):
And one of the big things is if you can
see it, you can be it. We've said it so
many times on the show before. It simplification, but it
does open up so many doors you may have thought
were closed to you if you see someone that you
can see yourself in doing doing something. Studies have found
this impacts men too. If men never see women doing
(05:41):
a thing, whatever it might be, they might think women
can't do it either. A study out of India found
that one exposed to at least two female village leaders,
men were more likely to vote for women. A recent
theory suggests that role models are helpful in three ways behavioral, inspirational,
and cential. One of the things that has come up
(06:01):
a lot in our female first segments is these amazing
women reporting how hard it was to do everything that
they did without a role model or mentor someone they
can look to to see because they're the first, um,
there was no one like them. Do you get advice
from or to learn from? Um? A recent study found
that a nine percent of women made more aspirational life
(06:24):
goals when around a woman they admire and middlely. The
study was in part sponsored by Linquisine, but also by
n y U College professor, so there's that. It found
that after a conversation with a woman that they found inspirational,
women were more likely to think about the things they
wanted as opposed to what they believe society expected of them.
Having a female role model can help women deal with
(06:45):
all the self doubt and self criticism that often plagues
a lot of us, especially when we do something society
tells us isn't really for women? Is in a place
women can succeed in isn't a space for women. The
National Science Foundation recently sponsored a study that found that
pair to male faculty, tenured or tenured track, female faculty
were more likely to have mentors. Female assistant professors with
(07:07):
mentors were more likely to get grants than those without
a mentor. A study from the Air Force Academy and
to economists at the University of California Davis found, as
reported by Ray Fisman, over a slate quote, when a
female instructor was put at the front of the classroom,
nearly two thirds of the grade point gender gap evaporated.
The study authors acknowledged the difficulty of isolating any one
(07:28):
thing when it comes to improving grades, and that's one
of the reasons they chose a military college for their study,
with the hopes of minimizing as many of those factors
as possible. A different study from KMPG found that women
really want mentorship and really benefit from it. Reported that
they needed a support group to foster the confidence they
needed to be leaders. The same number indicated they'd learned
(07:50):
the most valuable leadership lessons from other women. Several studies
have shown mentorship to be especially helpful when it comes
to women in tech. Still, even with a mentor, the
ristoidn't rate for women and STEM fields is one out
of four women compared to one out of ten men.
The importance of mentoring our young folks can't be underestimated either.
(08:10):
Negative stereotypes about women and stem impacts girls as early
as twelve and when they started reporting a declining interest.
Seen study found that black students were more likely to
graduate if they had at least one black teacher between
third and fifth grade. Other research found that women are
more likely to enroll in upper level classes when they've
had experience with a female role model in that field,
(08:31):
even a minor one, and women can relate to issues
faced by other women being the only one in the
boardroom salary negotiations are being spoken over. Men can totally
be good mentors for both men and women to However,
one of the interesting side effects of the Me too
movement is that, according to some studies, more than half
of male managers are now nervous and avoidant when it
(08:53):
comes to working closely with women. Mentorship is different from sponsorship.
I just want to put that in there, which is
sponsorship is valuable as well, uh, and this is when
someone in a position of power speaks for you, vouches
for you, actively helps advance your career. Um, And I
did read there aren't that many pieces out there about this,
(09:13):
but there are some about like stop looking from mentors,
which you need as a sponsor. You probably benefit from both, right,
But you know mentor. When we say mentor, a lot
of what we're talking about is informal, although companies do
have formal programs. And if this is something you're interested in,
mentorship is in an involved process, which is a relationship beyond,
(09:34):
then just let me help you with this one thing.
And I know for my kids having a mentor it
makes a vast difference someone that they can turn to,
someone they trust, someone that they can help them in
times of needs without feeling judged. And that's a lot
of the mentorship. But it's not judging but helping. And
I know according to one study, one very important study
(09:55):
about adolescens, the likelihood of them reoffending or going down
a negative have is lessened if they have one positive
influence or mentor in their life and it makes a
vast amount of difference in their future. Yeah, so pretty
important stuff and we have some more important stuff to
talk about, but first we have a quick break for
words from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsoring.
(10:32):
So now we wanted to talk about if if you're
hearing this and you're taking oh my gosh, I gotta
go out and get me a mentor finding one, let's
talk about that. Uh. Like we said, many companies do
offer a formal mentorship program, so be sure to see
if that's an option where you work. However, we could
definitely do better. Overall, m a program is valuable because
(10:52):
it normalizes a work culture that promotes learning, growing and
asking for help and and just having that structure in place,
like knowing that this person is available or interested, very
very helpful. Of note, you can get a mentor for
non work stuff too, like just that somebody in your life,
like my mom wasn't my mentor for work or anything.
(11:14):
She's more of my role model but also a kind
of a mentor. And that's the whole um idea that
I was saying previously before the ad is this mentoring
is just beyond this one thing. It's a whole life
changing process, hopefully in a good way. When it comes
to choosing a mentor A couple of things, UM, know
(11:35):
what you want out of the relationship, and be able
to communicate that. Do communicate that, and don't be afraid
to be selective, be open to hearing constructive criticism and
to actually heating advice. But for someone who has the
experience you want, is qualified and passionate in your field,
and has the bandwidth and desire to be a mentor,
and is generally nice, I would say it will be
(11:56):
a positive influence in your life. And this is more
works stuff, And for me, I had a mentor for
this job, although it was more back when I was
a producer. My old boss, Roxanne, whose voice a lot
of you may recognize as the one that has long
introduced our fellow podcast stuff you should know and stuff
you missed in history class. She was a great listener,
(12:19):
She had your back, she had everyone's back. Um. She
made time out of her day for me, gave me
advice and constructive criticism and praise. She gave me ideas UM.
And it also was very straightforward with me about the
pros and cons of like pursuing certain positions at the
company and work home life balance. And to this day
we still meet up very valuable relationship to me. I
(12:41):
think when it comes to this job, technically you learned
from Saver as well as Caroline, but with unladylike are
my mentor of what what the hell am I doing?
And checking in I'm like is this good? Is this bad?
Am I just completely off the chart and trying to
do what I'm doing? And y'all of that. And it's
been really nice to have because I could not imagine
(13:03):
trying to do this and being like, yeah, I don't
know I'm doing because I don't. And it's That's another
good point is it doesn't have to be I think
when people think of mentors, they think of someone years
older than you, way older and like, way more qualified. Um.
And it doesn't have to be that way at all. Um.
And we'll come back to that too. Servas and studies
(13:24):
show plenty of women are willing to be mentors. So
why it's mentoring among women so relatively rare. The consensus
seems to be women are afraid to ask, or for
some reason or another aren't asking. Well. Of course, time
commitment is a big thing as well. If you want
to be a mentor or if you want a mentor,
don't be afraid. You probably know a woman in your
life happy to step in to fill that role. Yeah. Um,
(13:50):
it's it's one of those things. It doesn't have to
be a super formal It can be, but it doesn't
have to be. Sometimes it does feel like it's kind
of stockeration, like Hey, I really like what you're doing.
You want to be my mentor? Well, you just you
say anything in that voice. It feels a little starrish.
You didn't like that voice. I'm just saying maybe your
(14:12):
approach needs I'll I'm staring at you like this. Yeah,
there's like an eyebrow thing happen, which is funny because
my eyebrows really can't move. Well, they're doing something right now,
doing creepy way to go Samantha. Yeah, well, well we'll
discuss this after the podcast. Um. And this brings us
(14:35):
to how to be a mentor? Um. According to a
d d I World study, women shy away from being
mentors for three main reasons. Women don't ask other women
to be mentors. A lack of time on the part
of the mentor. Women don't feel they have an appropriate
level of expertise to mentor, which is that damn imposter
(14:57):
syndrome again and entering. It's not a one way street. UM.
It's not only helpful for the mentee, but for the
mentor as well. It's a it's a mutually beneficial relationship,
or it should be. UM. As a mentor, you'll improve
your listening skills, You'll you'll learn, you'll become more compassionate
and empathetic, You'll push yourself to do better. I was
(15:21):
a mentor in college and on and off informally in
my career, and I found it to be super rewarding. UM.
And I know I felt some anxiety and being a
mentor that I wasn't good enough, didn't know enough. And yeah,
I know I'm not the only one that feels like that.
But the value of just having someone there listening, a
(15:42):
person you can talk to. Don't underestimate that. Like, if
you can do at least those things right, that's that's
a pretty good foundation. UM. I remember once and I
hope no one judges me for this, but I jokingly
told a mentia of mine, I guess and what was
a very serious to own there is no fate to
no fate, but what would make and I was exhausted,
(16:05):
and advice is hard and retired and I'm a nerd
and I really just I was kidding. But weeks later
she came up to me so grateful for my great
advice and yeah that was a quote from T two
Judgment Day. But it helped her, you know, Harmonader actually
never like sees that movie feels such crushing betrayal. She
(16:30):
stole that lit well. I didn't know what she was
talking about at first, like, oh, what advice? And then
later I was like, oh no, um, and yes, yes,
you should do better than that, better than spounding quotes
from James Cameron movies. But don't let yourself be too
scared away from being a mentor because you're not perfect.
I mean, to be fair, you maybe and you just
(16:51):
don't know it. When you form some types of relationships,
it becomes kind of that way when you're there to
help and and you could just be I'm a good friend,
but I mean coming in and checking in. Of course,
there's a balance. But you may be mentoring someone without
knowing you're mentoring someone. That's totally true. There's so many
people in my life that I don't know if they
(17:12):
realize the huge impact they have. And one of them, Um,
some when I met in China, I was so sad
I had to leave. I was so sad, and she said, like,
very simply, sometimes people come into your life exactly when
you need them, and then they have to leave. And
I still think about it to this day. I was like,
(17:34):
does she do she do? But she probably has no idea.
I still think about that. Um. Another thing, A lot
of the key things a minty wants to learn from
a mentor isn't so much technical but more um kind
of personal, not personal, but like communication, skills, negotiation, leadership.
So if you're thinking, oh, I can barely do this
(17:56):
job myself, right, um, that was me. I'm not putting
that on anyone else. But when I first started editing,
I thought that A lot a lot of a lot
of people are more like how do I talk to
my boss? Or how do I sell these skills that
I have? How do I communicate better? How can I
be a better leader? And how can I delegate things
that aren't necessarily so skills such job based. I will say,
(18:20):
I just used you for that literally ten minutes ago.
She did. She so advertise you're willing this to mentor
if you're in stim volunteers, speak to schools, volunteer and
working with students. You know, Um, I think there's a
lot to be said. I know in colleges they offer
older students with younger students to help in different types
(18:40):
of fields or whatnot. So that's always good to do
as well. Yeah, and I had that program in my
school when I was in elementary school. And um, Zoe,
if you're listening, Zoe, I remember you, and you you
really inspired me. Uh yeah, so I very much see
the benefit and things like that. Um. Some tips once
(19:00):
you find a mentor mentee, have structured meetings with set
times frequencies. This is more for the formal stuff, com
prepared with goals and objectives as the mentee and homework
as the mentor. Um. And that doesn't have to be
like write this thing out, but more like maybe the
will focus on this and you can work on this,
starting to read this thing or whatever it might be.
(19:21):
You like the homework I do. I used to ask
for extra homework. I was a nerd. You were, but
you were I was just were Amantha. Now you are
technically I'm too, just in different ways and visibility of
how women work, which for a variety of reasons like
(19:43):
children or elder care may be different than men. It's
really really, really, really really important. Yeah, And my most
recent meeting with someone who I wouldn't say she's my mentee,
but she kind of reached out to me and was like, Hey,
I'm interested in doing pursuing kind of what you're doing,
and can we sit down and talk? And I was
(20:04):
very upfront with like, I love my job, but it
means X, Y and Z. It's from my home wife,
it means this, and like just being open about what
it really takes for you to do what, especially in
the job like this where there's kind of a public aspect,
like what does it take to get to where we
are right now? And that's honestly exactly why I come
(20:27):
to you and come to people who have been in
this field for a very long time. I'm not gonna
pretend like I know what's going on. You know, and
it's okay. You know your weaknesses, you know your strengths,
improve your weaknesses, and this is how you do it.
You seek it out and it's better to know, obviously
than not know, and it's better to admit that you
don't know. So how do I find help? And kind
(20:49):
of like how I'm doing. I don't necessarily have an
individual mentor. I literally seek people out in their specialties
and or and the expertise because I know I can
get this from you come like how people. People come
in seasons. They have attributes and things that you don't know,
which makes it an amazing thing, which is what I
love about meeting new people. You find different things that
(21:10):
you're like, oh wow, I can learn from that. Do it?
Oh absolutely? And um I think one article I read
kind of going off of that said you shouldn't be
looking for mentors, but friend tours exactly. And so that's
another way of looking at it. If you're not into
this whole idea of like a more structured mentorship or
(21:33):
you're just I don't want to say embarrassed, but maybe
like a friend tours an easier thing for you to pursue.
I mean for me, Um, I trusted. I have a
huge trust issue in general, and I'm so much better now,
but that was part of the thing, is like how
do I trust you in all these aspects? And I
don't want to be disappointed or I don't want to
(21:54):
disappoint you all of those levels and being able to
kind of bring people in your groups and lovingly do
these things and then come up with a fact like
I don't know this aspect again, let's talk and you
teach me about this, and then kind of the same
thing with you know, my exportas of social work. So
I do get the hey, you're a social workers. So yeah,
(22:15):
and as annoying as it that can be, sure, I
understand why, and it's actually very appropriate and smart. Yeah,
unless you're asking for a session, then that's weird, right, Yeah,
don't I feel like a lot of my friends who
are nurses get the hate. Oh yeah, weird. Yeah, yeah,
if they're off and you start randomly pointing at scars,
I mean, yeah, that's a different episode. Also, you can't
(22:42):
have more than one mentor, and you can have more
than one mentee. You can be both a mentor and
a mentee. Your mentor can be your age or younger
can be older, can be formal or informal. No labels
as they say these days, um also also not quite
the same. But seeing being it is important when it
comes to our media, especially the media children consume as well.
(23:04):
That's something we've talked about a lot, but worth worth restating.
We do have just a little bit more for you listeners,
but first we have one more quick break for word
from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsoring, And
(23:31):
we wanted to touch briefly on why this matters, even
though I think it's been sprinkled throughout this episode already.
At one there are more men named Dave. Then there
are women total on the list of CEOs of the
f t S. E really more named. I think like
there were a bunch of names I saw on different websites. Roberts,
(23:53):
I don't remember if I saw Robert, but I Dave
stuck out Dave. Dave. Damn it, Dave. What is the
quote from two thousand one? I'm sorry, Dave, I just
can't do that. So I'm afraid I can't do that.
Thank you, Andrew, Yes, thank you. Andrew. Cameraports that although
(24:17):
women do six of the world's work, we make amasly
ten of global income and own less than one percent
of the world's property. That's that's not my stomach does
not like that. My whole body of the global income. Yeah,
one pent of the world's property. That's I'm sorry, Yeah
(24:40):
it is. Study after study has found that our companies
and our economy as a whole benefits from diversity. Think
of how many ideas were missing out on by not
having women and other marginalized groups at the table, whatever
table that might be. Think of how many ideas we
would have missed out on if not for women breaking
(25:00):
barriers and overcoming obstacles. You know, one of the things
I think about social media. My coworker and I talked
about what we're talking about different um issues that are
happening and just kind of catching up and when when
I'm going to coworker with my other job um. And
she is a very strong black woman and I love
her to death. And one of the things we're talking
about was how she sees Twitter and how we see Twitter,
(25:23):
and the differences that she's like, as she calls it,
black Twitter. I already knew this, and then white people
are saying bringing this along like that's been fifteen years,
and the dynamic of the split is more noticeable now
that we have that social media content of and even
though it's still separated unfortunately and not as consumed or
interchangeably consumed, I guess um that it's it's such a
(25:45):
dynamic things like what are we missing out on you know,
and then you start realizing because now you have ability
to see that content, which is really really important. Absolutely
it is UM and I one thing and I know
we've talked about this before too, but like having that
(26:06):
friends who is the strong person? Always worth like because
sometimes people who are strong have their their days that
are or they're down to or they're feeling down about
themselves as well. And I in a mentor mentee relationship
which can be doesn't have to be, but can be
more of a like personal friendship relationship. Just good to
(26:30):
keep that in mind, you know, check in, check in,
always check in it on people. So that's about what
we have to say about mentors and role models today.
But we are introducing a new thing at the end
of our episodes. We wanted to make sure that as
we had previously had episodes about supporting women and supporting
(26:52):
women in podcasting, specifically in our field, because we know
the statistics, UM, that we continue to actually emphasize that.
And so as I am learning this whole world of
social media, UM, I've been checking out different Twitter sites
and different podcasts. Twitter sites is that word like, how
(27:13):
up to date? How good at this? What is this.
I was on the Twitter site on the Twitter side,
it told me it tweeted at me. Um. There's so
many people who are asking for suggestions like female, Um,
what are your favorite female podcast female lead podcasts? And
so I'm going through every single one of them, clicking
on like, oh like this one and I like this one.
(27:34):
So for you that I saw was she Nangan's with Friends,
hilarious content. I was just like, oh, yeah, I want
to be your friend. Just her. She was interviewing a
specific person. It was the you need to check it out, okay,
nerdy bitches, it would be up your alley. It sounds
like you know, and black girls do stuff too. And
I enjoyed every bit of all of those things. And um,
(27:55):
it's a really good content. So if you love listening
to our stuff, go check their stuff out. Yeah, and
we would love to hear your suggestions for podcasts. We
should be shouting out if you do a podcast. We've
heard from some people, UM, let us know. And one
of the ways you can do that is through email.
Yep on the email site says that I'm not email
(28:16):
to me. Yeah, does it tweet at you too? I
think so? Okay, cool? I think so our email is
stuff Media mom Stuff at I heart media dot com.
Our Twitter is at mom Stuff Podcast, and Instagram is
stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as always to our
super producer Andrew Howard. He was there moments ago he
(28:37):
decided to leave me like my songs. Oh he loves
your songs. Um, and thanks to you for listening. Thank you.
Stuff Mom Never Told You is a prediction of I
Heart Radios. How stuff works for more podcasts from my
heart radio is heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or ever
you listen to your favorite shows. Wh
Stuff Mom Never Told You News
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Samantha McVey
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