Monday Mini: A Failure Revisit

Anney and Samantha revisit the question of failure, personally, professionally and as feminists. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.
Never told you protection if I heart rate you. So
for this Monday Mini, we're gonna revisit our very first
episode that Samantha and I did together and the way

(00:27):
back Pretty Pandemic, which is filled like decades ago. Yes
it does. It feels like a very long time ago. Uh.
And the topic, which is always fun to tell our
bosses when they're like, can you remember the very first
episode the two of you did together was are we failures? Yeah?

(00:48):
And that's in that episode if you haven't heard it
or don't quite remember, we just kind of talked about, um,
how in what ways we felt like failures because spoiler,
there were a lot of like I do feel like
I failed in this way or this way, this way,
and why we felt that way. And I was thinking

(01:08):
about this because we've been meaning to revisit this one
for a while, and I was thinking about what I said,
I felt like a failure in what ways in that one.
And it's interesting because while I guess this one's gonna
have kind of a silver lining for me because there's
some things are still the same, some things I'm like, yes, yes, yes,

(01:31):
because we were talking individually, but also when it comes
to feminism. But some things, I'm like, I don't feel
so much as a failure around that one anymore. Like
especially we talked about like being single, or like not
having a house or not having not owning anything like
So because I've had my sort of coming out journey

(01:51):
on this podcast, Like, I don't know, it was interesting.
I thought, I kind of honestly listeners thought it was
going to be a bit of a downer of and
some of it is, but some of it is hopeful
and that that feels nice. And the pandemic has certainly
changed the calculation in a lot of ways. But I
don't know what were your Your thoughts are feelings about

(02:13):
revisiting this topic, right, I mean definitely when it comes
to physical checks, as in like, yes, I've done this,
and I've done this, let me show you this physical evidence,
I feel like maybe I've grown in that um. But
like you said, I also think back at what we
saw during the pandemic and people really calling out problematic
ideas of what success is, especially when it comes to women.

(02:37):
And I love seeing this turnaround. I love seeing this
conversation taking a new uh, step forward. To me, it's
a step forward. Maybe it's because it aligns with me more.
I don't know, but it's kind of nice to see
uh to that route of course for me, because I
am somewhat of a pessimist in my my personality type.
There are other things that I'm very worried about, but

(02:58):
in comparison to what's happening around us, it feels like
we're taking a step forward. Uh. Personally, I feel like
I've taken a step forward personally. Then I say that,
and I feel media guilt for saying that because I
feel like I shouldn't say that because it feels glowty. Yes.
And that is another conversation we saw play out during

(03:20):
the pandemic as well. Um, and it was It's not
a new conversation about any means, but it just I
think it became more of a like, I'm using the
pandemic for glow up thing, right. It was sort of
different but similar to conversations we had before about how
we define success, especially for women in this case, and

(03:41):
in that original episode, we did talk about a lot
of the things that women get docked for. And I
think we are seeing a lot of interesting and needed
conversations around that, why that needs to change, and and
and some of them are a struggle. Some of them
are a struggle. Still every day is not the same.

(04:02):
So some days I feel like, Okay, I'm doing better
than other days. I think for me pre pandemic, a
lot of this stuff I defined as success was around
discipline around my body, so like weight gain during the
pandemic has been hard, uh, and around work and you

(04:24):
know work during the pandemic. Since some instances, Bernard, don't
get me wrong, very we're very lucky we can do
this from home. I am quite aware that this is
a very nice set up to have, but I think
everybody experienced that during the pandemic. Like some days it
just was not there, and it's I feel like even
even in those conversations, I have had more mindfulness around

(04:47):
why I feel that way, why I think that way,
why it's problematic, or how to try to reframe um
those conversations. So that's been I think that's been good.
That's some think for me. I do certainly still feel
like a failure in in a lot of things, but

(05:09):
I'm more not forgiving necessarily, but I'm more like, well,
how can we work on this, let's recognize this, Why
do you feel this way? What are other things you
can do? And especially yeah, in the world of feminism UM,
you and I have discussed like we frequently feel like, well,
we're not doing it now, firm we're not we need

(05:31):
to do more. What if we're missing this or it
just feeling like we're not enough And that's something that
I still struggle with and grapple with. But with you,
we've had these conversations, and I think sometimes you and
I can help each other get through those sort of
dugger moments. I think so do and I think we

(05:54):
get a lot of great listeners are family, let us
know what they're going through and how they feel similar
to us, and or how to combat it or how
to like encourage it. So I think it's been wonderful
to have that network that I've never had before. This
is a beautiful turn of events for me to have
that type of support network. I think you're completely correct,

(06:29):
especially with feeling like all of the rights for women
UM and those who have uteruses and or UM any
rights in general when it comes to civil rights as
well as equality and equity has been slowly and it's
being slowly stripped away, it seems as of late and

(06:49):
this impending need to do things, but confusion and what
to do, who to trust, how allowed to be it,
who should be leading, who shouldn't be leading, who should
be talking, who's not talking enough? All of these conversations
come out and it just kind of makes you feel
stagnant because of fear. Um. For me, that's exactly what happens.
I kind of backed off of all social media, even

(07:11):
though we're pretty supported as for our own social media stuff. Um,
and when it comes to conversation starters, people in our group,
people in our listenership, Uh, they are amazing and they
have great conversations for the most parts. Trolls typically don't
come through on those types of avenues. Do we get
trolls everywhere else? Absolutely? I figured that out and try

(07:34):
to ignore it. But like all of these things are
big conversations that we need to have because these are
not just black and white issues as it should be,
because it becomes a tear down within a group, trying
to see behind the curtains and motives. And I feel
like that's part of the big thing that's always been around,

(07:54):
but now it feels like it's even sneakier with our
top conversations of misinformation and disinformation and who is a
good who's a bad player in this conversation as well.
So there's so much to do and as you and
I have tried to research and we try to be correct,
we try to back it with research and evidence U
making sure we're not miss speaking or speaking over others.

(08:16):
There's a lot to be thought through in this day
and age, and it should be it should have come
to this point this whole like people talking about you know,
it's too political, no one can say anything. We can
do these things, you know that, y'all, y'all we should
have been talking about that. We should be considering this
too to begin with. And if it upsets you that
you can't just speak as you spoke before and you

(08:37):
have to actually think about it, what that should be
the conversation you're having with yourself. Um, that is an
old adage to think before you speak. And yet when
we actually call people out on it, we're being told
we're being too sensitive or you know, all of these things.
But with that responsibility, with that conversation, it's a lot. Uh,

(08:58):
And I'm not say that again. I absolutely stick to that,
and we should be doing that, but it takes a
lot of things, especially when you feel like every turn
could be a mistake. And that's one of the things
that I have probably struggled them most with as of
like our new failures, because I feel like the stereotypical

(09:18):
things that we talked about at the beginning with that
I talked about that I'm coming upon forty and I
wasn't married, and I didn't have a home, and I
didn't have children and all these normal things, and I
am not going to die alone, no one taking care
of me, like my mother said, you know, but that's
not important anymore because what we come to is like, yeah,
I've gotten I've gotten some of those things. I've gotten

(09:40):
into that place of like I found quote unquote or
I've settled into that, and I'm happy with that, content
with that. But that's not the conversation anymore. And we've
become to the point, thank god, and I don't know
if it's a gen z or so we're like, yeah,
come on, get over it, making us realize that these
are not what define us anymore. Obviously in this day

(10:05):
and age, as we're fighting for human rights in general,
these are the conversations that just like, Okay, that was
a tradition, but it doesn't make you and it shouldn't. Yeah, yeah,
I agree, Like I've definitely felt it and it for me,
it could definitely for me, it could be a settling

(10:26):
in of of how I identify and just I really
think that mindfulness of thinking about well you do things.
But as you were talking about, like even in these
conversations we're having where people are having to or should
be putting more thought into them and always should have been.
That's some things just don't feel as important to me anymore,

(10:50):
and other things to im way more important. And and again,
as I said, every day can change, Like one day
maybe those will come back and haunt me like oh
you're still say goal and you're renting an apartment whatever
it is. Ah, but those are becoming fewer and far
between for me. Um. I I also absolutely agree about

(11:13):
the I backed off of social media too. That's that's
probably something I have struggled with the most, as well
as being feminist enough being supported doing the right thing,
doing the thing that's going to have the most impact.
What does that look like? What are my skill sets?
Because and I know it's not no one agrees on

(11:38):
everything completely, but UM as in what is the best
way to support and help? So if I feel like
I can't I don't feel comfortable with the social media party,
then I try to donate, Like I try to find
a thing, like if I care about this thing, what
is the other thing I can do? UM And I
am working on that and I'm trying to get better
about about that. But that being on this show and

(12:01):
being a feminist show where we want to be intersectional feminist,
and that's something that's our goal, that's our mission. It
is something that we always are thinking about and sometimes
does feel overwhelming and just it can feel like you're
a failure because it feels like you're not doing enough

(12:21):
UM in this space. But at the same time, we've
had a lot of conversations about burnout and about how
activism can look different ways and UM, so I think
those conversations are important and our ongoing UM and again,
not everyone agrees on on what that looks like. But

(12:44):
it's also interesting because I was thinking about this when
you and I did that, it was are the original?
Are we failures? It was like our first time podcasting together,
but it was like your first time. So it's been
really fascinating for me to watch you grow and become
more confident, and you have all these great ideas, UM

(13:06):
and you you always are just coming up with like
new ways to make the show have more of our voice.
And I struggled to come onto this show because off
like I'm not going to be feminist enough, I'm not
to get enough feminist, and I just I'm happy to
see that. I I feel more confident in it. I

(13:27):
think I could be wrong, but I feel like you
feel more confident in it. I feel more confident in
us together. And I feel like we've come up with
like a lot of things that make this because we've
gone through several hosts on the show, that make it
more of our voice. Right, Yeah, definitely. From the first
time to this time, it was I was in shell shock.
Is that the word I would want? UM, especially for

(13:48):
the first few months, if not for the year, trying
to understand the impact of podcasting in general, because I
did not listened to podcasts, even though I had many
of friends were professional podcasters. Trying to figure out what
it was and what it is and how significant and
important it can be. It's interesting, especially coming into this

(14:10):
field because yes, I was already in social justice field.
My specialty was with women and children, and coming into
this is a whole different conversation when you talk about
public forums and what this looks like coming out of
the field into uh kind of more research. Research is
not my stronghold. Y'all, we know this. I don't know

(14:33):
y'all might not know this, uh, and he knows this.
And it's been an interesting learning curve to do all
of that conversation, making it about UM deeper, meaningful conversations
on this research and what it means to have a
platform in general. It's been interesting and I feel like, yeah,

(14:54):
we definitely have worked and molded this to our personality. Finally,
for me, I think still part of this failure conversation
is what is my personality because I part of my
attachment issues is to uh melt and mold into uh
the setting rather than being my own setting and being

(15:18):
my own mold because acclamation was number one for me.
Fitting in disappearing becoming a part of the crowd is
something that I learned to survive and that's kind of
still my mode and it's it's really interesting to try
to pull myself out of that, even though you know
characteristically I'm loud, I make jokes, I am sarcastic, I

(15:41):
am blunt, I am there Like I my presence typically
can be known if it if I wanted to be.
Apparently to some I'm intimidating, which is hilarious to me. Um.
But all of that is say is still part of
that conversation. Is also trying to fit in and and
molding in, especially when it comes to things that I
feel like are out of my reach. I think you

(16:02):
and I both talked about this a little bit when
we were like, oh, this is not my I feel
this is not my personal take on things. So this
is interesting um and dipping into that, but at the
same time having that moment of realization that we who
are fighting and learning new things in feminism and understanding
intersectionality in itself is the journey that we should be

(16:24):
showing because we all should be doing this together. So
I feel like we've really found that footing for ourselves
because we are challenging each other not just to mold
it life for ourselves, but to love each other's loves,
if that makes sense. And we are very different in
our interests, and I love that, but I love that

(16:45):
we understand under these what would be like just typical things,
there's a bigger conversation of leaving uh marginalized people out,
and that in itself should be talked about more and more.
And I think we've done a pretty good job. No,
I put that as a question mark because I'm afraid
to say it too loudly. But like when it comes

(17:05):
to entertainment, when it comes to things that are typically
held by men, which is the love of video games,
of the fandom of different genres, just understanding that and
making it bigger and and we hate that we have
to even have to have the conversation of like, yeah,
it excludes these people, these groups of people, and it shouldn't.

(17:27):
And we need to talk about the weather. It's on
the entertainment level, political level, housing level, like food shortages
helped here, like all of these things. We have to
go to that deeper level because if we don't, we
just allowed the status quo, which is says hetero men
type taking over the narrative and saying they're the most
important beings to this conversation and it shouldn't be. And

(17:52):
why we have to like really rearrange who is being highlighted. Yes, yes,
And that was one of our when we had to write,
like what is the show about UM for work, that
was one of the things we said was like, intersectional
feminism is everywhere, Like you can't remove any topic from it,

(18:13):
so there's no shortage of topics for us to talk
about and in the interests of transparency listeners. Some days,

(18:34):
I bet if we did this episode on a bad day,
we would have different thoughts UM. But today, as we're
having this conversation and for the past, because I've been
thinking about it, and I just feel more settled, I
think in myself and in this show. So today I
feel there's certainly more work to be done. There always is,

(18:58):
but compared to that first episode, I feel better. Right.
I think we've grown into understanding once again, going past
the narrative of the norm to today and still always
knowing that failing happens and it will always happen, and
that's a good thing because when we fail, we learned,

(19:19):
we grow UM and that should be a constant. Yeah,
failure is a constant. Wise words, Evantha, wise words. Well,
I'm very honored to be on this journey with you,
Savantha the very first episode. It's been a delight to
work with you and see you grow. I love that

(19:39):
I could warm my way into this position with you,
who was an amazing leader and a teacher in this
It's been phenomenal and I do feel like I'm learning
from the best. Well. Thank you, thank you, and thanks
to your listeners, because seriously, you mean so much. Hearing
from you mean so much, and you do this growth

(20:00):
talking about a lot of it is thanks to you
because you you will let us know what we should
be talking about. Have you heard about this? Um You'll
tell us like you missed this part of the conversation.
It's honestly so rewarding and thank you and speaking up.
If you would like to contact as you can our
emails Stephania mom Stuff at I hurt mea dot com.
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast

(20:20):
or on Instagram at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks
as always to our super producer Christina, Thank you and
thanks to you for listening Stuff Never Told You. Subjection
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