Monday Mini: Things Not to Say to an Ace Person

Or anyone, really. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Smith and welcome to Stephane
Never Told You production of I Heart Radio, and welcome
to another Monday Mini. I think this is this one's
going to be a shorter one, but we always say

(00:25):
that and it, you know, it never seems to happen.
I'm not gonna lie some of these things. It's gonna
make me go on a rant. Oh, I love it.
I love a good rant. Um. This is actually related.
We've been talking a lot about just the general poor
quality for women when it comes to just existing online, um,

(00:46):
including on dating apps. So with that being said, a
bit of a content warning for some of the grossness
many women do encounter on dating apps. We're not going
to go into anything too specific, but if you've been
on a dating app puzzle woman, then I bet you
know what we're talking about, right, Yes. So the idea
for this episode came up because recently Ish it was

(01:10):
International a Sexuality Day and thanks to everyone who sent
me messages that was very sweet. I wasn't expecting that
and I loved it. Because I've been more open about
my sexuality, I have gotten some comments now we're not great.
So I thought we could have a bit of A
P S A here and this is for you know,

(01:33):
none of you because you are the best. But I
bet that even if you aren't ACE, you can relate
to some of this. Um. So I thought we could
have this moment to just sort of there are some grievances,
shut some things down. Um And if some of these
things do sound familiar to you, like you said it
or you've done it, which would surprised me, I don't
think it's our fan base, our listener base and maybe

(01:55):
the newer listeners trying to figure out who we are
and what we're doing. And if it does sound familiar
to you, I need you to stop. We need we will.
We're going to have it, okay, Okay, yes, getting all
riled up all I'm telling you. Okay. So with that
being said, we're gonna just run through some things that

(02:17):
I actually heard on International a Sexuality Day. So yes, again,
do not say these things to someone who has come
out as a sexual are I will say, don't say
them to anybody unless you write, like, have a real
good beat on this is something that they would enjoy. Yes.

(02:39):
So number one, you just need my big dick, right.
So that's the first thing I saw I'm angry. I am.
I am very angry, and I really am, Like, what
for any context, for any person, anyone, If it's just
a woman just rejecting you and you say this, you

(03:01):
deserve to be kicked in your dick. Point, Like, I know,
violence is not the way, but there are causequences to actions,
even if you're hiding behind an app, yes, or a
screen or whatever. Yes. And one thing that really bothers

(03:22):
me about this, And again I know, like a lot
of women can relate to this comment, whether you're a
sexual or not. It's that idea that like kind of
the gone with the wind thing. If she was being
sort of grumpy, right, he knew she to feel better,
she needed sex and it was non consensual rape essentially,

(03:45):
and then she feels better, um or she's doing better,
which is gross and disgusting. And like this comment seems
to imply like I will fix what is wrong with you.
You just haven't. I've got the thing that you need girl.
All so, and a lot of this this inserts violence

(04:06):
and harassment. There's nothing cute about this, there's nothing funny
about this, this kind of statement as a heterosexual woman
wants to make me go celibate, and I'm not correlating
that to a sexuality, just in general, just to cut
out men for peace, I know, once again, like the
stuff we're putting up with on dating apps specifically, but

(04:29):
like just in general, it's ridiculous. This is this is ridiculous.
That is something that unfortunately can be a thing sort
of that like conversion therapy for a sexual people. It's
often you just need to have sex with me, um,
and there has been violence from that, and some of
your listeners have written in about that. So I hate that,
hate this whole thing. Another thing I heard was all

(04:52):
these other men just don't know how to please you.
You just haven't had sex with me yet. I can
cure you. No, and very heateronormative who knows what I've
been up to. You don't know right, And I'm gonna say,
because you have to say that out loud, you really
haven't probably played a woman in your head because you

(05:14):
have thought, hey, I came, so obviously she came. That's
that's a narrative. So you are not doing any favors
to yourself. This is little dick energy. If there is
a such thing, yes, yes, And also I just hate
you know, we try to make the point all the
time that sexism hurts everybody. I hate that like having

(05:37):
a big dick and like pleasing a woman and this
very head of renormative sense. I guess it's equated with
your masculinity and feeling good about yourself and like we
could have a whole conversation about like the hard to
get in the conquest aspect of it. But it's just harmful.
It's harmful to everybody. So good, this is the humanizing

(05:59):
in every way. Yes, yes, another thing I heard. You
just can't find a partner to put up with. You
are afraid of putting yourself out there. No, So the
meaning behind this I am to ascertain, I guess is
that I am a sexual, which I guess they're saying

(06:20):
I'm not actually because I can't find anybody, and therefore
I'll just go about my life like this because I'm
too afraid to put myself out there. Right? Is this
the same thing as like, oh, you're you're single, and
you say you choose to be single as but it's
really because you can't find anybody. Is that the level

(06:41):
because once again it's easier he's single. To be honest,
let's just be real, except for like if when it
comes to finances and such, maybe not. But as a
woman in the relationship, as we've talked about the labor
that has to go through and oftentimes who it's assigned
to is statistically who was given more labor? Yeah what No. Also,

(07:06):
I think we've already gotten to the point that women
are are any individual are fine on their own and
have their own personality and don't need someone else to
make them who they should be. Right. Yeah, And this
is going back to like all that fearmongering we've talked
about so often a brown single women, and I feel
like when I get comments like this, the idea is

(07:26):
you don't realize how sad it is yet, but you're
gonna get older and you're gonna realize, like, this is
real sad discross. It's actually like none of your business again,

(07:52):
something's wrong with you. That's something I hear. No again,
like none of your business. I've had people try to
like diag knows to me. I had a guy tell
me once like, clearly you have trauma, which is true,
but like none of your right, that's not necessarily a
correlation that it could be, but it's not necessarily true.
There's just many of people we've talked about this as

(08:12):
in genetics, as in science, so you have no idea
what is underlying every thing everything a B. And this
is also very headonormative of you. Shut up. Yeah yeah,
he said it to me with like the saddest like,
oh no, you so tragic, poor thing, And I'm so

(08:33):
can I ask a question? I know, maybe this should
be the end of the question. But for most of
these comments from men, yes, almost all of them, they're
all from men. I feel like what I get from
women is more curiosity, which almost always is fine, Like
it's usually like an honest, genuine I'm curious, and usually

(08:53):
it kind of works both ways because I'll be like, oh,
I don't experience like fantasies, what is that like? Right?
So that's what I usually get from women. Almost all
of this is from men, right, So these disgusting, gross
ones that really objectify you are more from men. And again,
we know we have a sexual men and a sexual

(09:15):
listeners who are who identify as men, So thank you
for listening. And I know you probably have heard the
emasculating versions of this as well, so please know we
know that you do exist. Um, but of course, for
this is a perspective of a woman ass this woman
who is a sexual and queer and therefore getting these

(09:36):
comments from men point like obviously toxic men that need
to know they're toxic. You're toxic. If you said this
and you're listening, you're toxic. Get therapy. Keep going. Well,
that's a good segue. And I kind of mentioned this already,
but I have heard like you must have some terrible
trauma kind of pitying aspects um. And again like, yes,

(09:59):
none of your busin this either way, and it doesn't
undermine my sexuality, so right right, you're missing out. It
makes me so sad. No, No, I'm good. I mean
there have been some good experiences and there have been
some bad, and I kind of wish I've had that

(10:19):
didn't have the bad. Yeah, And you know, sometimes, like
to be totally honest, I do. I wouldn't call it
like jealousy, but sometimes I look at a couple and
they look so happy and I'm like, all that, that's sweet.
I kind of wish I could have that, And then
like you know, ten minutes later, I'm like, no, I'm good.
You know, I think it's just a natural human nature. Um,
but I've kind of come to accept for a while,

(10:43):
I sort of had that POMO and now I'm kind
of like, nah, you know, I'm glad, I'm happy for
people who are happy, but I'm right, yeah, And that's
the other part of that. Even if there was something
that was traumatic in your life that's not necessarily correlated
a B. If it makes you happy not to do it,
then why would you want to do it? Like, if
you know something because it's not fun for you, why

(11:05):
the hell would you do it? And why the hell
are you negating the fact that I have chosen, you
have chosen what makes you happy? Why are you stafforating
that I'm happy about what? Right? All of this is
about other people, That's what I'm learning, Like, all of
this is about them, and I'm just like something they're
using to make themselves feel better, projecting so much on Yes. Also,

(11:28):
just a quick note here, obviously I can't speak for
all a sexual people and all a sexual experiences. I'm
coming from a very personal space right now and in
my own just where I'm at right now, and I've
talked about before how I'm open to relationship. I'm just
not like, if it comes my way, I'm open to it,

(11:49):
but I'm not really searching for it, and it's not
a big deal for me. But plenty of a sexual
people can and do have healthy relationships, some of which
involves sex, some of which Joe, it's just all about
healthy communication. Again, we always harp on that, and also,
you know what what people want and m and that

(12:10):
varies from from person to person, and so a lot
of these comments also reflect just real ignorance. Oh here's
a fun one. But I heard you have really long orgasms. True, true,
very true. Again, doesn't underline sexuality. There's a person involved

(12:32):
in this, and it's me. There, it is there, it
is Um Then I get the follow up, doesn't that
mean you're horny and therefore want sex? No? No, I
want this orgasm time with myself and that's it. I mean,
this is part of like trying to unders stand sex

(12:52):
in general and sexuality and how a person's body works.
I think that's an fathomable idea that you can pleasure
yourself is so shocked. Again, Yeah, we've had the mini
a conversation that in two men believe women cannot orgasm,
and that's a whole different thing in itself and makes

(13:12):
me sad for them and their partners if their partners
female or identify as female. But like, yeah, what, yeah, yeah,
that's a whole big can of worms that we'll probably
have to come back to. And we've talked about it before,
but sort of the needs of the body and all
of these social messages and stuff we've attached to sex

(13:37):
and romance and love, which yes, I also get, but
don't you need sex? No good, I'm good. Oh I
love this, but it's unnatural. You're like a lizard. I
too have seen Godzilla, but no, no, that's a different

(13:57):
version of the word asexual. I would have got over
my head, like I don't like what. I guess that
a little bit about like after I think, but originally
i'd be like, huh yeah, because well, you know me
and Godzilla. I don't actually don't. I don't know if
we've had this conversation. I think I knew it in
reference to a co worker, but not to you specifically.

(14:22):
But anyway, I keep going, Okay, well, in the movie
that is not very good, but I loved it when
I was a kid. Uh. They mentioned that Godzilla is
a sexual reproduced a sexually, and the woman character says,
but where's the fun in that? So some people thought
a sexual meant that. Yes, here's another one. I get.

(14:44):
I'll be patient with you, baby, No, I'm good applying
like you'll wear me down over time? Right. No, again,
this comes back to enthusiastic concern. That's not it. Hey,
person who said that if you are listening once again,
you need to back off because you've made a lot

(15:05):
of people uncomfortable and you are kind of a predator.
You know. It makes a skin crow because it's like
implying that that's But the other part of this is
that's all you needed is someone to be patient with you, right,

(15:27):
and like the idea that they think that's sexy. That's
so demeaning. Who aren't go away? Thank you? Go on
International and sexuality Days. How care you another one? I

(15:57):
get a lot that we've talked about before. It's made up.
You just don't like sex. No, I mean maybe maybe
I don't like sex, but not made up, right, so
you're not personally identifying these things. Then it's made up. Yeah,
that's that's how that works. Okay, Well, it's also going
back to it's kind of the same idea as that

(16:23):
you know you can't get anybody. It's sort of implying
like you can't no one will have sex with you.
Are also that you just frigid and won't have sex
with anybody, right, neither Tea. This is making me tired. Yeah,
shocking that people want to argue with you because they
don't understand something and to try to roll over and

(16:48):
over explain these to you for something they don't understand.
So instead of asking questions, I'm telling you why you're
wrong because they can't stand not knowing right, and they
just assume the world looks this way and you're wrong,
and I'll tell you why you're wrong. A lot of this,
and I'm sure you're familiar with this, Samantha. I bet
a lot of listeners that are comes from that, like
very patriarchal vibe of I'm doing you a favor by

(17:12):
telling you this, like they think they're legitimately gonna change
my mind, like they're helping me out right. But the
other part of this is this doesn't affect them. You
being sexual doesn't affect them, So why are they doing
working so hard putting out that extra effort to change you?

(17:32):
But again, even if let's say you were to say, Okay,
maybe I do enjoy sex with like, not that that's happening.
Now that's the thing. That's not a thing. But I'm
saying that was even the case. It's not like you
want to go, oh you you changed me, Let me
be yours again. Grows go right, you're right, I just
needed your big dick. No, I doubt and don't ever

(17:57):
say that to anybody. Yeah, it's also interesting again, like
these are unsolicited comment the backhanded. I didn't get it
this year, but I've gotten before the backhanded. It's a
shame you're so pretty Uh so this is a loss.

(18:17):
What a waste? Yeah, what a waste? What a waste? Yeah,
I did get some of that, not like for other things.
But yeah, god, all right, here's the last one. If
only I could be aced, but a last I like
sex too much. I don't know how you do it. Okay,
So this one is tricky because I actually get the

(18:38):
sentiment because, as I said, I too sometimes wish I
wasn't a sexual and I think the grass is greener
on the other side. Or I'm curious what all the
fuss is about around sex, But just being careful how
you word it, because it can sound very much like
I'm in a zoo and or you still view me
as a natural abnormal or that I'm making some weird
choice that you don't get like the and yeah, like

(19:01):
that's the black and forth is that people think this
is a choice instead of something that is it exists
within you. And sure it would be easier for so
many things. And I know I've heard this throughout, like
to not have to deal with the battles like this
and whatever it is called quote unquote normal, um so
that you don't feel like your mother in that level,

(19:24):
Like there's definitely layers to that, and absolutely and yeah,
being a little too like it kind of goes and
hopefully we'll make this a little kind of series. But
having Asian having non Asian people being like, oh, I've
always wanted to be darker, or I wish I could
have that hair, or man, I've always loved Korean culture
dada like it's kind of like, yeah, you're obviously telling

(19:47):
me that I'm different from you. Therefore, like that you've
definitely me here, And I don't know what to do
about that, because am I supposed to take this as
a compliment or am I supposed to be on unnoticed
that you see me view me differently, right, right, right, right, Yeah,
it's just I think that a lot of those things
can be well intended, but you honestly just be very careful, right,

(20:10):
just be careful, and you know you can have like
I've I've had a conversation with my friend about this,
and like it was I thought a fruitful conversation because
I don't think she meant meant it how it sounded
and when you talked about it, and now she's like
and I heard her talking with someone else about it,
so you know it's great. Well, I mean, like you

(20:31):
and I when we were first talking and talking about sexuality,
when we started about our mini series, we had a
whole conversation and I had to have a breakdown of like, okay,
talk to me about this because yeah, because also, yeah,
I worked in trauma and we were kind of talking
about trauma in general, and then we talked about our
personal relationships. So we had to have a breakdown and
I had to have a better understanding, and I definitely

(20:52):
learned a lot more since then. But of course it
had to be where you were comfortable and willing to
talk about it instead of me comeng as a stranger
being like, all right, tell me everything right about you
and teach me something. So there's so many levels of like,
if you don't know them personally, this is offensive and
you've already showed yourself as other ring And yes, hopefully

(21:15):
that won't be a word that people catch on and
saying it's cliche and it's webinized. But that is a
thing and you need to be cautious of it. Yes. Well,
as Samantha said, we're thinking about turning this into a
little series, you know, things not to say. I will
say like this, this all sounds terrible. It is, but
I did get a lot of really nice comments. I'm
really sweet, and I really really appreciated it because it

(21:38):
can be scary to be open about that stuff. Um.
So thanks to the listeners who sent that and um
and continue to support and yes, all the a sexual
people in our listenership. Happy internationally sexual day to you,
Happy day. Yes, thanks as always for listening. If you

(22:02):
would like to contact as you can or emails Steffidia
mom Stuff at ihart media dot com. You can find
us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram
and Stuff whenever told you. Thanks It's always to our
super producer Christina Yes. Thank you Christina Yes, and thanks
to you for listening stuff. Whenever told these pectures I
Hart Radio for more podcast on my Heart Radio, I
heard do you have Apple podcast or ever you listen
to your favorite shows