April 2, 2021 • 49 mins
After a year in quarantine, Anney and Samantha turn to listeners and friends of the show to talk about dating and relationships during lockdown.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and welcome to stuff I've never
told you, but actually I r radio. Okay, Anny, I
have questions for you, and you know what, I don't
actually know if I know this answer. Oh, okay, all right.
(00:26):
Have you ever used a dating site or dating app? No?
I have not. I did a long time ago. I
did look at okay Cupid because at the time it
was like the free one, right, and I was just curious,
like questions that asked you, So I kind of like
(00:47):
went through it, but then I didn't go through. I
was just curious what it what the whole deal was. No,
I've never used one. Actually, So how do you typically
meet a partner when you were dating? Usually I would
just meet through either work or like fun things that
I like to do, because before this whole pandemic, I
(01:08):
was a very active, socially active person, and so I
would meet people through like friends of friends or something. Yeah.
Usually you're you're the one that's infamous for accidentally dating people.
That is me. I feel like that's a wrong comment itself,
(01:28):
and it could be a queer one, and I want
to see it. Accidentally dating, Yes, accidentally dating? Yeah, So
I actually that's how I kind of dated completely. Like I,
even though I'm older, I've never been really good at
meeting people. And I don't know if it's because I
just have this shy like persona or if I'm just
(01:48):
a really loud and intimidating persona, whichever, but typically in
high school I'll only have like two relationships at best,
maybe one. I can't even remember, that's how well I remember.
And in college I never dated ever. And then after
college I was like, okay. And of course a lot
of us had to do with my own body issues
(02:10):
and you know, as we're talking about a lot of
my self esteemed stuff, my identity issues, like that's a
big part of like I don't, I can't um. I
think part of it is also watching my family go
through relationships and not my mom and dad. My mom
and dad have been together forever and are very happy,
like we celebrated their fiftieth anniversary recently, but my siblings,
(02:31):
each one of them have gone through their message and
I'm like, I'm good, I'm good, thank you very much.
But yeah, so when I started dating, it was through yeah,
I think it's okay, Cupid, And it was after I
had gotten my job, had gotten to a point where
I was like, Okay, maybe I'm adult, now let's do this.
I did get set up on a couple of days,
but I found out quickly that it's a bad idea
(02:54):
for people to set me up, especially if they're friends
with them. And I told them that because my perspective
is after we're done, they shouldn't exist. I need them
to go into the world of excess where I never
see them again. Like that's kind of how I feel
like it should be. Maybe I think getting older, I've
gotten better about that, but at that point I was like, no,
(03:15):
I don't ever want to see you again, because you
are a picture of my failure or your failure or
something weird. So I went through online dating and I
wasn't very successful until about how honestly, even like thirties,
I didn't get really good days. And even then my
relationships didn't last very long. And of course my partner
and I are together because of location like that, and
(03:41):
I mean, it's worked out nicely, But the thing is,
like that's the only way I knew how to meet people.
So I just wondered, like, huh, what was it like
before dating apps? And I guess it I mean to
be fair again, I'm in my partnership not because of
a dating app. But interestingly enough, the one time I didn't,
I guess, oh yeah, and I have Actually it's Katie,
(04:06):
you're gonna hear on this very episode. I have a
friend Katie who she used to ask me like, she's
somebody who was very always wanting to go on dates
and be with people, and then O jextaposed next to
me who's sort of always accidentally dating, and she would
(04:29):
get really annoyed by it, and she'd be like, what,
how do you meet people? And I would say like, well,
you try not to like you You're basically find stuff
you like that you like and go do that stuff.
And then I don't know, teaser. That's a teaser. Yeah.
And you know what, I've been thinking about this, and
we've been talking about this before, but relationships in general,
(04:51):
how difficult it can be. And as we're rounding out
this year of lockdown or stay at home orders, a
lot of people are getting access a to vaccines. We
know there's a lot more to be done, but you
know it is slowly being distributed and actually being accessible.
And I think, honestly, we are all looking back about
how we've learned to cope. We're probably one of the
(05:14):
most complicated times for us, especially our generation, especially in dating,
and so we wanted to do a review of what
it has been like and including I will say, for
my friends who have been single during this time, it's
been interesting to watch them to see how and what
their reaction is and their dating habits. And I have
some really good stories, like they they slowed down, but
not slow down, I think one of the parts. And
(05:36):
I remember I would often delete and often re as
re download because it was fun the initials. Flirting is fun,
Swiping it's fun, and all of these things and trying
to get to know people. There is something really interesting,
almost like a game. I know, we talked about tender
and how did it originally come from Hot or Not?
And you just swipe on who's hot and who's not
(05:56):
and it was just a really superficial and really kind
of main gay aim. But it's kind of what tender
it seems like it came from, except it didn't beick
up much hookup culture, And of course they paid millions
and millions, if not billions of dollars as one of
the bigger developers of these dating apps, and I think,
during quarantine, what else do you have if you're not
in a relationship, right, Like, why not why not try
(06:18):
to talk and flirt while you're stuck at home? And
so we did want to take a review of what
did quarantine do for our dating, for our relationships and
all of such. Yeah. Yeah, And it's one of the
reasons I never got into online dating because I was
actually pretty I mean, I was judgmental of it at first,
but I'm quickly became the category of oh no, this
(06:40):
is working for people, so why not? It's just my sense.
I was really insecure, and I was like, what if
they all swipe? No? What if I never get So
that was one thing in my head, and then another
was I don't know why I made such a big
deal out of this, because it's not a big deal
at all. But I was like, what if, Like I
see an X on there, like a good male friend
of mine, but my world can't collide? Like those are
(07:02):
the best moments where you start taking screenshots and sitting
at the people do you see this? Yeah? No, Katie
has sent me though she keeps me high, like up
to date on her dating adventures and She'll send me like, oh,
what's this guy he's on here, and I'm like, you know,
there's nothing wrong with it, But there was some part
of me that was like, I'm embarrassed to know that
these friends of mine will know that I'm looking for somebody. Yeah,
(07:26):
that stigma, which I think we've come a long way from.
It's kind of like it's again. The only way I
really dated was through online asked because that's where I
was able to at least represent myself and felt like,
at least I can get to know you a little bit.
And it pushed also to going really fast in relationships.
I feel like where I felt I already knew you.
So even though this is date one, it's like date
(07:47):
five right. Dating in the time of like internet searches,
So we do have some stats and past looks of
how dating relationships for people overall. According to a BBC
article from December, a law firm logged a one d
two increase in divorce inquiries between July and October of
(08:11):
last year compared to the year before, and in the US,
a contract creation site noted a thirty percent rise in
basic divorce agreement sales, with the sad fact that newlyweds
made up of those sales, and similar numbers were also
reported in China and Sweden during the lockdown. But one
(08:32):
of the questions is why. Of course, there seems to
be the obvious answers, including the overall stress of this time,
the changes, and even monetary issues, which is already can
be very sensitive topic within relationships, but also it seems
something that's different about this is that it's actually women
who are initiating the divorces. The same law firm said
(08:53):
seventy six percent of the new cases have been initiated
by women, which was only six in the previous year,
and one lawyer speculated that one of the main reasons
is the unequal amount of household responsibilities each partner is
taking on, such as childcare. That makes sense to me
right and unsurprisingly being single and trying to mingle isn't
(09:15):
any easier. Many have reported that not only being under quarantine,
our stay at home orders are making dating difficult, but
the overall morale of the current situation is making it
hard to actually have a good connection or impression. But
the day difficulties aren't just because of the last year,
as in fact, according to one box report quote nearly
half of Americans say dating is harder now than ten
(09:35):
years ago. But that doesn't mean people aren't trying. As
you may have already figured out and we've talked about before,
online dating has become the preferred method of meeting people
for a while now, like like I said, that's the
only way I actually met people, and has been doing
well before the pandemic, and it has that really slowed down. Wow.
(09:59):
In fact, in March, Tender had its highest number of
swipes in a day, a record setting it three billion,
and apps like okay Cupid saw a seven increase in
dates from March to May of And though many have
not been meeting up face to face as much, a
lot of people and a lot of companies found creative
ways to take the relationship forward. Companies like Bumble and
(10:22):
Grinder included face to face video chats, while companies like
Tender also offered face to face chat, but much like
its original app, makes it quick and easily dismissible, so
I swiping, I guess move on, and Tender has recently
gone as far as offering COVID tests, and other apps
(10:43):
like Bumble, I've been using badges to indicate like your
vaccination status, I guess where you are with COVID in general,
which will let individuals see right off the bat if
they are battle Have you ever used bumble m So
I haven't been on it in years, so I don't
quite know, but used to. It would tell you if
they would verify you as a person, so you weren't
(11:04):
cat fishing someone. Uh, you had to get these badges
of like nice and soda. It actually has a way
of kind of not rating, but essentially letting you know
where they stand. Of course, a lot of people will
automatically put in Trump supporter or Hillary supporter or all
of these things, so you know immediately what political affiliation
they may have. So to add to this is the
(11:27):
COVID notifications like are you COVID denier? Okay, we may not.
Online And though there is a pandemic, people have been
really creative in their dating. For example, we had that
dude who rented himself a bubble to go on a
date with someone he saw across the rooftop. Did you
see that little TikTok? It was cute. And there's been
many who have talked about social distas dating, a two
(11:49):
week quarantine and COVID test dating, So for having this conversation,
all right, in two weeks, we're gonna get our tests
and then we're in meat and the many many zoom dates. Uh,
talking about kind of the whole zoom fatigue and the
video converse fatigue. But as one person has stated in
one of the articles, that if it's a good date,
you don't even notice. Apparently, as I was looking through
(12:12):
all of these, I saw the new top lists for
dating apps because for a little while I did follow
them because I really wanted the best results for me.
There's a site called Okay Zoomer, and I originally thought
I had something to do with the fact that was zoomed,
but it's actually having to do with the fact that
they're in college and you have to be in college
to be able to be on the site. But I
thought it was a cute name. There are other sites
like love is Blind people who love that show. There's
(12:35):
an actual app called love is Quarantine and apparently you
have to be on a Google doc for that and
there's a little waiting list. Yes, so you know what, hey,
you do you all these sites are great. We also
wanted to know because we're kind of nosy and you
are fam it was going for some of you, and
so of course we had to reach out to get
(12:56):
some stories. And there's some good stories and shout out
to all of you who are I didn't have to
share with us. So yeah, we're gonna go ahead and
pull up. Are you ready for some of these stories
from y'all? And they're fantastic. There's some of the marshal
sweet they are. They're so great. But before we get
into them, we're gonna pause for a quip brick for
words for our sponsored and we're back, Thank you sponsor.
(13:30):
Al Right, so let's let's get into these stories that
you wonderful listeners have sent to us, starting with Denise,
my quarantine love story. I'm American and was living in
New York City and was dating my Canadian boo who
lived in Montreal. Then the pandemic hit and the borders closed.
Sad face. We didn't know how long it would be.
(13:51):
We were both unemployed, so we got to talk all day,
played a lot of animal crossing together and visited each
other's islands. It didn't make me feel so lonely, but
then after five months, the border just seemed to be closed. Forever,
but we found a loophole. Canadians were allowed to fly
to the United States, but not the other way around.
We decided to say and get married so I could
go back to Canada with him. Kind of crazy, but god,
(14:13):
we did it. The border still continues to be closed,
so I'm happy we did it all. Congratulations. There's a
point for Animal Crossing, another way to connect with people. Yes,
I wonder if Animal Crossing has thought about doing a
dating app. Oh, I am sure, I am sure. I
feel like this could be a money maker. And then
(14:35):
we've got a story from Adriana. She said dated a girl.
Within the first few weeks, things were great. She planned, yes, planned,
a high school aged makeout session in the back of
my car. I reluctantly agreed. We spent the next hour
in the back seat. The real kick is that she
legitimately booped me in a nose after the hookup, like
straight up boop. And I've never been able to look
(14:57):
at the Indie Taco parking a lot the same way.
My response was like wait what, I was like, I
don't I don't know how I would have responded to that, like,
not only have we done this really fun, but different situation,
but then it's the which I like a job well done.
(15:21):
You know what, I'm sure it was a job well done.
Can we have this one from Marie? Hello? First of all,
I want to say I love the show and listening
to you both has got me through this whole pandemic
world we've been living in lately. Oh thank you. Here's
my story. My boyfriend and I started dating in June
of twenty nineteen. Things were going super well and we
were spending tons of time together towards the end of
(15:41):
the year. We talked about moving in together at the start,
but then the pandemic hit, and since we were both
working from home and only hanging out with each other,
he asked me if i'd want to move in together
in May. So we did, and then the day after
we settled in, we impulsively adopted our dog and love
of our lives go more. Uh. The pandemic definitely accelerated
(16:02):
the rate at which our relationship moved, mostly due to
all the time we've spent together, and probably because of
the shared trauma that comes with going through one's first pandemic.
Smile Race. I'll send some pictures up Gomorra too, So
you can admire her. Thank you both so much for
making the show as great as it is. Hard stop much.
(16:22):
I've actually heard this from some of my friends that
it accelerated relationships in a good way. Like, yeah, some
of these stories are definitely like that, and honestly, for
myself it's actually helped. The first part was a little rough,
but towards it and like being it together has been
really and I've talked about it before has been really
nice and expectedly nice and so yeah, I definitely have
(16:43):
seen these stories too, which it's nice to see. After
we just talked about all the divorce rates. And then
from Stephanie disclaimer. She says, I met my current boyfriend
on dating app during quarantine and things have been going
very well for nine months now. Okay, but in April
I match with They quote very a fined national sports
reporter on tender. Oh, I really wish you could have
gotten the name. He messaged me. We were chatting and
(17:06):
within fifteen minutes he asked if I would go to
his place. I of course said no, and he pressured
me and tried to reassure me that he was safe.
He eventually unmatched me, but I had the satisfaction to
know I turned down a well known persona for my health.
Good for you. And this is where I also will
be like guys are trashed. Yeah, well this is this
(17:29):
is I mean, that's one thing, even not as someone
who're dating, but the layer of like pandemic judgment, what
are you doing? It was safe to you and all
the Yeah, and you realize we have two very different
definitions of quarantining. Yeah. From Teagan, Hi, I was dating
(17:52):
a guy. We met pre quarantine, and then I went
to stay with family. I came back to New York.
We started seeing each other. I have an exclusive combo
because COVID. We sleep together. He gives me after a
few months. This is early December. I guess you could
say he kept me warm. Uh would comment on my
stuff the occasional text. I find out in January he
(18:14):
was dating someone at the entire time, and she posted
this sappy post documenting their relationship. Example, she was with
him on Halloween. I saw him the next day. Thankfully
I didn't get COVID, but I'm still annoyed. I guess
I'm grateful I got laid in because I had had
been a while, but it wasn't good enough for the
(18:35):
drama again, that sucks. Sucks during a quarantine, like, come on,
quarantine family, Oh my gosh, like you know you have
your like other families quarantine. Oh jeez, is there a
(18:56):
quarantine family? No, I don't you know what they're very
well might beam this guy. That reminds me of the
like way back early in the pandemic and entering a
lockdown when SNL was still like doing it from their homes,
and that they had that skit about basically women being
(19:17):
like are you a man that's living? I'll be there,
So it's like a dating show, like I don't care
anything about you. Where are you? Let's go? Remember that
was that with the fete I can't I think he
was on it and they were all talking about how
they vibrators didn't work or something. Yes, I feel that
was funny. That's one of the ads that I saw,
(19:37):
not I think someone that we followed and had on
the show talking about their sex toys and like, hey,
quarantine maybe slowed down, but these are still useful. And yes, agreed,
because the drama is not always worth it. Sometimes it
is so from Anna, she says, I so look forward
to the dating and COVID episode here. It is my story.
(20:00):
I just left a job that drained me so much
I stopped dating for six plus months. Been there when
quarantine began. Just celebrated one year at a much healthier
job author February. As I got ready to move, I
was excited to get to start living my life. I
work in residential life for a college and that really
hambergs dating as a woman in her early thirties, dating
(20:20):
more and getting healthy, that's what she's looking forward to.
My first day of the new job, they canceled classes
for the week, and the following week we went remote.
I just got the first advisor yea, and I'm excited
to start being social with people again. It's been a
lonely year and I hope to be more open in
dating going forward. And she said keep out the awesome
work with Sminthya. Thank you. I told her that she
(20:42):
needed to keep us updated because that this was before
I got my shot and you got yours, I think,
and so let us know what was like in the
weird world my real world. To keep from Rachel my
(21:03):
pandemic dating experience is that it's a crapshoot that doesn't
even result any good conversation, nobody worthwhile to give my
Instagram handle, to let alone number or make plans with
It sucks because early on things weren't too bad, but
by October total garbage experience that never looked up. I
do have a friend who found a boyfriend from bumble
(21:24):
In in y c. Though, and they're adorable and planning
for a future after a couple of bumps in the
road of poor communication and past relationships. Cars messing with them,
which is common. And Rachel has some really good tactics
and great questions. So if y'all are interested, you know,
Rachel my share with you. Because it wasn't really fun,
I was like, oh yeah, she had like just generic questions.
(21:44):
I used to ask people what their favorite tree was.
That didn't get a lot of attention. Oh, that's shocking
to me. I don't understand. I feel like that's a
good question. What is my favorite tree? It's a willow? Actually, Oh,
I feel like that tells a lot about a person.
We'll see. It's funny because I know I've talked about
(22:05):
it before, but I went and saw Hitch when I
was in college, and so he said, always ask about
something fun. So they associate you. Was fun. But now
anytime someone does that, I assume they're doing this hitch thing,
even if they're probably not. Like I'm like, did you
get are you trying to flirt? And like no, you know.
For a little while, I thought about doing a kind
(22:28):
of a short story on all the dates that I've
gone on, because for for a little while I was
getting some good ones and it just became more and
more fun. I had one dude who was trying to
do this whole program and he was in the middle
of working it out and I looked at it was like,
and that just Google Plus, and he got so bad
at me, which was because it's like, you have your
(22:50):
friends and your friends connected with this way. These are
strugles and you do that. I'm like, that's Google Plus.
Uh this is right when Google Plus was coming out,
And I'm like, I don't know if you're too wait
or if you're trying to revamp the system. I guess
it's not too late now since Google Plus is gone, Right,
that's true. Now the time for this guy. Go for it, dude.
I don't remember what your name is, but go for it.
(23:13):
This one comes from Vic who said I was friends
with my boyfriend. Before everything kicked off, a bunch of
us used to go for a pint after work on Friday.
The UK went into lockdown at the end of March,
but things eased up over the summer. At the end
of August, one of our friends moved houses and had
some people for the garden. From drinks, we got chatting
and he was about to move to the other side
of the country for a job. So after the whole
(23:34):
night of us ignoring our other friends, we realized something
was going on and got together over the two weeks
before he moved. Because of the strict lockdown, especially in Scotland,
we haven't seen each other in persons November and probably
won't until the end of April. I've never done long
business before, and while we connected on such a good
emotional level through text and video call, I can't wait
to actually be in the same room again. However, as
(23:56):
we both live alone, I worried the flat will fill
clustrophobic in a different way when there's another person in
the space and we'll just get annoyed with each other.
Going on dates with new people or on apps during
quarantine sounds awful, so I'm glad I snapped him up
when I did. But it's so hard not being able
to even just have a nice cuddle or for someone
else to cook dinner when one of us is tired
because of being so far apart. That sweet though, I
(24:19):
love that. I did ask also when she said as
this if they had already made plans to see each other,
because you know, I'm thinking that's probably one of the
first things they did, and she did respond sing, yeah,
he's going to come and stay for a bit when
Scotland England travel is allowed again, as we have a
bit of flexibility without working remotely when term ends. Apparently
they're both in academics. With all respect to our students,
(24:42):
the end of term can't come quickly enough and I think, yeah,
you're not the only one. I think a lot of
teachers would agree with you. So yeah, thank you again
for sending that. We wanted to talk a little more,
and we decided we needed to have an extended conversation
by doing a Q and A with a friend of
the show and of course a longtime friend of yours Annie. Yes, Katie. Yeah,
So Katie and I got together on the old virtual
(25:05):
hanging out. We had a bit about the hour, and
she I asked her some questions. It's a totally normal
for a friend, you know a lot of podcast perfect yeah, yeah,
and we wanted to share that conversation with you. But
first we're gonna pause for one more quick break for
word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsor.
(25:41):
And yeah, let us get into my interview with one
of my best friends, Katie. So you're joined now by
one of my very best friends, Katie. Hello Katie, Hello,
Hello everyone. So you have featured on the show a lot,
even though this is your first time being here, because
(26:03):
we we've known each other a long time, quite a while. Yeah, yeah,
and I've spoken about we were neighbors, so we we
were also very nerdy and so we did like Jedi
training together. We had light savored pupools. You're right. Cool.
Hercules featured quite often in our adventures back in the day. Yes,
(26:28):
and for listeners who don't know, Young Hercules was a
Ryan Gosling show that I still have on VHS recorded.
It was a nineties nineties Ryan Gosling show. Yes, Yes,
on the w B. Yes. It was beautifully done with
excellent graphics and sound effects. So sarcasm. Go find it, Yes,
(26:50):
if you can, I'm not sure it's available. And that's
why I think I might be sitting on some money here.
In order to truly understand Annie, you have to know her,
her obsessive crush on Ryan Gosling from young It's essential,
It's essential to her personality. So go watch. I apologize
(27:13):
for interrupting you, Annie, I really that fan. Later, I
wrote to Ryan Gosling has to be I was nine
years old. One of the most embarrassing things I've ever done.
I would pay money to read that. I hope whatever
(27:34):
whoever talent agent got that destroyed it. Police. The eyes
were dotted with hearts. And you were with me a
year ago when the quarantine like officially set in in
the United States. It was March thirteenth, and we were
(27:58):
unsure what to do. And to this day, like I've
also talked about your reaction to me playing The Last
of Us two, which was basically you looked at me
as though I had done you the greatest harm. I
just have to go it's hard, man. That was a
(28:23):
hard experience. You broke my heart. I just playing the game.
Just playing the game, you broke my heart and I
went down a path that you could follow that I
follow what I followed. You Damn that game is something else, man.
(28:44):
It made me feel some things. Me too, And you
were the one of the infamous same side. Yeah, I
keep the coin. I've got the coin. Yeah say this
coin that said Abby and Ellie's same side on the
same side and zombies on the other side. Because of
your brilliance, Yes, finally people will realize how brilliant I am.
(29:14):
I've always known that brilliant you are. But okay, so
we're This is an episode on dating during the pandemic,
and when the pandemic did hit. I remember you were
sitting on one of my couches. Yeah, couch, couch Is
it a couch, it's a food whatever. You were sitting
(29:40):
on it and you were scrolling thrill. Was it tender?
It was? It was tender. And you were showing me
pictures of like what people had stocked up on and
then they were saying, like, come to my place, I
have got boxed wine as far as I can see,
and powers of toilet paper. Yes, people were using that
as a catch all as a come hither, and also
(30:05):
like wearing masks. Mm hmmm. They used mask as kind
of a come get me point, which I was totally into.
It was interesting to see how the pandemic was reflected
in tender world, I guess yeah, And you have long
(30:25):
been my guide because I'm someone who hasn't ever online dated,
and I've just learned from you. I've heard from your experience,
You've heard my stories. I don't know if I'm the
best person to reflect that world, but I can try
and give you my point of view the best as possible. Yeah,
(30:48):
and that's all we ask because we have been asking
listeners and other friends of ours, what has your experience
been dating during the pandemic? So can you talk about
what your experience has been like? Yeah, I have to
say first that I use tender for hookups as opposed
(31:09):
to like dating dating m hm, so that paints the
experience a bit differently. Yeah. I think in the beginning
that I became a lot pickier very quickly, because suddenly
it was less of a game and more of oh
(31:33):
I could catch I could catch something, you know, right,
So that definitely kind of it's slowed things down a lot.
And I will say I think I think they're in
the beginning. I only went on one date and it
was awful. It was a terrible experience. Because of COVID,
(31:56):
I was scared to go out. So for the first
time ever, I invited this person straight to my apartment,
so there was no in between, there was no like
we're going to set each other out or anything. And
it was bad, man. It was just we weren't a
good match for each other in any way. And then
(32:17):
I had this person in my house and I didn't
know how to say, please get out of my house,
and uh, it was just it was a terrible night.
So after that, that's kind of what commenced to me.
So selfish reasons. Really, it was half that and half
(32:38):
the pandemics getting real, like real real that I cut
off Tender for a while and just completely deleted it,
deleted bumble, deleted everything and decided it was smarter to
just to look after myself for a little while. Yeah,
but I have recently re downloaded it, so yeah, and
(33:02):
how has that been? Man? Oh man, it's exhausting being
a a dating woman in the Curry age. I gotta say,
first world problems, of course, of course. Yeah, it's been something.
I've gotten ghosted a few times already. I haven't had
(33:25):
it for very long, just a couple of weeks now,
I've been on one date and gotten ghosted quite a
few times. Is that different than I hate for this
to sound so like me and I don't mean it
that way at all, But is that different than the
experience you had before the pandemic? Oh? Um, I really
(33:48):
don't mean I think before the pandemic. I feel like
there were more dates in person before the pandemic for sure,
and less ghosting. I mean ghosting goes hand in hand
with tender. I think you kind of have to and
(34:09):
certain you kind of have to expect that it's coming,
and at least in my experience, which might not be
the experience of everyone mind, but yeah, I think in
my short experience being back on Tinder, I've definitely gotten
ghosted more than before. And in these conversations you're having
(34:30):
the people because I asked you when you were recently
exploring potential matches, how does one even date? And did
you discuss like what that would look like? I think
I was always the one that brought it up, like
would you wear a mask? How would this go? Where
would we go? Would it be in the middle On
a few dates I went on. Yes, but how do
(34:53):
you even date now? I mean my answer to you
and the text message was I don't know because I
really I don't and I've been on one date since
we talked then. And I felt guilty for going out.
That was the first time I've been out since pandemic started,
like actually been out out, and I felt very timid,
(35:18):
like I was looking around, I felt small. I guess
I wore my mask, but I still felt this intense
guilt for being out and just like self consciousness about it.
But once I managed to loosen up and have a
beer or two or three, it got a little better.
(35:38):
We chose the venue that we chose to go acts throwing,
which turned out to be a very open venue. There
was a lot of space, thank god, or else somebody
would have been maimed. But it double worked as we
were way more than six ft away from people. Everyone
(35:59):
was wearing mask well, I mean, you know, there were
a few sticklers that worked, but for the most part
the people that worked there, so that was comforting in
its own way, right. I asked you about mask fashion,
if that was the thing that you thought about for
me personally, No, I stick to my standard black cloth
(36:20):
mask because I look badass in it. It like slims.
My face makes me look a little like intriguing. So
I just got your ax with my ax exactly. That
is flailing around wildly. I was semi good at it.
It was just like bowling. I was good at first,
(36:42):
and then it just went down the mill from there. Yeah. Yeah,
I want to go with you Annie. Oh my god,
I want to see you throw an ax so badly.
I don't like those pictures of being with the ax
at one time. Yeah, and the sounds very bizarre context,
but it was for a Hunger Games audition. It was
(37:03):
so cheesy. It that's something else I hope has disappeared
to time. Gold. It is gold. It's gonna show up
when you're super famous one day. See You've got You've
probably got the most blackmail on me of anybody. Oh
I do. But I'm also the least likely to sell it,
(37:26):
so well, it depends on what they offer me. Like
a true friend, anyone can be bought Reese. Oh no, no, no,
(37:46):
I would never sell that too personally. There's too much
on me that you could throw back. That's true. I
always remember that, so I don't know if you if
you've noticed this, because since you took a break, But
have you noticed, Like this is coming from someone who
(38:07):
has no idea what I'm talking about, like a change
in in how and people's profiles are like the number
of people on it are like have a people left
or they're more people. I honestly can't say, because I
am using tender from I would say a smaller town
outside of Atlanta, like somewhat far out from Atlanta, so
(38:33):
there was kind of a limited number amount of people.
And I tend to swipe fast anyway, so at some
point you reach a screen that says there are no
more people in your area, and then you feel really
bad about yourself. Yea, So I really can't say if
it's gone up or down. To me, it seems like
(38:54):
about the same amount in my area, and it seems
honestly about the same demographic of people mm hmm. But
I can't say if that reflects for the city or
a larger population. Yeah, And then do people put like
in their profiles? Is there you know, like mask required
or are things like that? So far, I haven't seen
(39:17):
that at all. What I have seen is an increase
in people saying they're conservative or their liberal, yeah, or
they're Christian. I have seen an increase in that, and
I have seen an increase in people wearing masks in
their profile pictures. But I haven't seen anything that's like
(39:42):
mask required or won't go out. But I will say Tender.
I believe it's Tender. They have like an area where
you can put your COVID specifications. Oh of if you
want to do only video chat, or if you're willing
to go out for a date, you know, if mask
are required kind of things. So you've got to give
(40:03):
it to them that they are trying to put the
steps in place to allow people to be more comfortable. Yeah.
I think I'm pretty sure they're sending a COVID test too.
You can get a COVID test through Tender. Well, isn't
that's something The future is now, man, the futures and
the futures now. Yeah, I can see how. You know,
(40:26):
first date is already kind of an awkward, stressful situation,
and then you do it during a pandemic and it's
like multiplied. I think one of the things I've noticed
that's going to be a real adjustment period for me
is I was always kind of awkward, but now talking
to people is the most awkward thing, Like it just
feels like I've forgotten how to do it. So I
(40:49):
can imagine on a date that being amplified. I don't
know in a way you have if you're wearing masks,
you have the masks to hide behind, which I find
to be a for in some way, even though it
does complicate reading faces and such m hm. But also
I think it adds an instant is the right word,
(41:10):
levity to the situation of just we instantly have something
to laugh about of oh my god, it's COVID and
here we are doing this thing Like there's kind of
instantly something like you feel tense about it, but there's
also instantly a something you can joke about and bond over,
(41:32):
instantly a subject to talk about. So where you know,
how have you been, what are you doing? What's up
with you? How has COVID treated you? Like? I can
expand upon that a lot if I mean to. So
I guess my wrap up question is, did it to
put it in a very almost dismissive terms, which I
(41:53):
don't mean to either, but did it kind of bum
you out that you've lost this year of dating and
are you excited it? For As more and more people
get vaccinated and more and more things open, two more
readily enter back into that world. I think, to be honest,
it wasn't a bad time for me to take off
(42:15):
and take to myself. I won't lie the shallow part
of me, the completely and utterly shallow part of me.
I have absolutely gained weight during COVID, just from the
drinking a lot more than I used to and also
binge eating when I'm scared or you know, like stressed
(42:36):
out from dealing with with COVID. So I definitely gained weight,
and the shallow part of me that kind of helped
because I was like, man, I you know, that insecure
part was like I don't want to be seen like this.
So that was a very that was a small section
(42:57):
into a small selfish part of it. But it also
gave me the time to separate from my lust for
a relationship or a hookup or for men in general unfortunately,
and and focus a little bit more on me that
(43:18):
it's all the cliche, trite stuff, you know, focus more
on me, and instead of putting all of my emotions
on two men and a temporary hook up, kind of
like being forced to reflect on myself and why I'm
reacting away or not, so I at least try to
(43:41):
look at it through that lens. Getting back to it
currently has been a great distraction, it really has. It's
kind of disturbing how distracting tender can be, or just
how much of a time, like, h, I don't know it.
I'm trying to to remember the time I took off
(44:05):
and not get too sucked back into that world and
too stressed out by it because I have some stories, man,
I have some tender stories. If you have a tender episode,
I'm here. Oh I know, yeah, yeah, we would love
to have you back. And I am so glad that
(44:27):
you came on and shared your experience with us. And
I do think what you just said has been a
lot of people's experience, maybe not even just dating, but
like what they learned about themselves during a quarantine and
a pandemic and trying to keep that in mind for
like how quickly that That's something I thought about, is
(44:47):
how quickly am I going to fall back into old
habits and or am I not? It's truly a moment
to reflect, this is how I react, what I'm alone
and alone for a long period of time, a forced
period of time with no socialization or anything else to
like hide your flaws into. So it's definitely been eye
(45:11):
opening to see that about myself, to have those realizations
about myself, like how much I put things on other
people to make it easier for me, and this isolation
has forced me to confront that, for better or for worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Well I know that I miss you and I can't
(45:31):
wait to see you soon. I know I want to
see you in your long hair and your tread bill
and play Last of Us, even though I still cry
about it sometimes. So we bonded even more that day,
even though I thought you were like not going to
talk to me for weeks after that, I considered it.
(45:55):
But after you go through something like that with someone,
you've got to keep them close. It was so close
to love. That's what the game taught me. It's so
good love. You know. That's interesting. I felt like after
(46:16):
playing that game with you, I felt like people I
had loved died, Like genuinely, I felt like I was
grieving and bargaining and angry. M Who would have thought
a video game could elicit those reactions yeah. Yeah, we
(46:37):
cannot over exaggerate enough. How long we sobbed in silence?
Just sitting there in silence with each other crying. Sound
like such a fun game. Oh my god, you have
to play it. It's so good though, work of art true.
Is there anything else you want to talk about about
(46:59):
your dating experience before we wrap up? I'm still being
ghosted by someone who identifies as a furry, So there's that.
We'll just leave it there. Yeah, gosh, that's a interesting
like if you said that sentence Nerre decades ago, no
(47:20):
one would know what you meant. I'd be burned for
being a witch. I don't know what she said, but
it's some kind of spell. They wouldn't drop kick me
right into that fire. Well, good thing, it's not the
(47:44):
way back win of a couple of decades ago. Hey man,
my friend, Well, thank you so much for joining us.
I miss you and love you, and we would love
to have you back sometime soon. Thank you so much
for having me. I appreciate it so much. As good
to see you, so I hope that you listeners enjoyed
that conversation as much as I did. I hadn't seen
(48:07):
her in a while. Yeah, yeah. We have known each
other since I think we were four years old, so
long time. And it's going to be interesting moving forward
as we do get out of this and what is
dating it to look like in the wake of a pandemic, because,
(48:28):
like one of you listeners pointed out, we did go
through as a world kind of this joint trauma together.
And Katie talked about that because I thought, you know,
in my mind, this is making dating like a first date,
which is already a really nervous racking experience, even worse
because you've got like people watching and there is a
mass conversation. But she said that that you, she felt
(48:50):
like you immediately had this thing that you could bond
over because you went through it together. So it will
be interesting to see what happens. And thanks to all
of you listeners who sent your stories. We love them,
we love getting them, so keep those coming, keep us outdated.
(49:11):
We we love hearing from you. If you would like
to email us, you can or emails Stuff Media, mom Stuff,
I heart media dot com. You can find us on
Instagram and Stuff I've Ever Told You, or on Twitter
at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks it's always to your super
producer Christina. Thank you. Thanks to you for listening stuff
I've never told you. Protection of I Heart Radio. For
more podcast from I Heart Radio is that I Hear Radio?
App Apple Podcast, wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, this is Annie and welcome to stuff I've never
told you, but actually I r radio. Okay, Anny, I
have questions for you, and you know what, I don't
actually know if I know this answer. Oh, okay, all right.
(00:26):
Have you ever used a dating site or dating app? No?
I have not. I did a long time ago. I
did look at okay Cupid because at the time it
was like the free one, right, and I was just curious,
like questions that asked you, So I kind of like
(00:47):
went through it, but then I didn't go through. I
was just curious what it what the whole deal was. No,
I've never used one. Actually, So how do you typically
meet a partner when you were dating? Usually I would
just meet through either work or like fun things that
I like to do, because before this whole pandemic, I
(01:08):
was a very active, socially active person, and so I
would meet people through like friends of friends or something. Yeah.
Usually you're you're the one that's infamous for accidentally dating people.
That is me. I feel like that's a wrong comment itself,
(01:28):
and it could be a queer one, and I want
to see it. Accidentally dating, Yes, accidentally dating? Yeah, So
I actually that's how I kind of dated completely. Like I,
even though I'm older, I've never been really good at
meeting people. And I don't know if it's because I
just have this shy like persona or if I'm just
(01:48):
a really loud and intimidating persona, whichever, but typically in
high school I'll only have like two relationships at best,
maybe one. I can't even remember, that's how well I remember.
And in college I never dated ever. And then after
college I was like, okay. And of course a lot
of us had to do with my own body issues
(02:10):
and you know, as we're talking about a lot of
my self esteemed stuff, my identity issues, like that's a
big part of like I don't, I can't um. I
think part of it is also watching my family go
through relationships and not my mom and dad. My mom
and dad have been together forever and are very happy,
like we celebrated their fiftieth anniversary recently, but my siblings,
(02:31):
each one of them have gone through their message and
I'm like, I'm good, I'm good, thank you very much.
But yeah, so when I started dating, it was through yeah,
I think it's okay, Cupid, And it was after I
had gotten my job, had gotten to a point where
I was like, Okay, maybe I'm adult, now let's do this.
I did get set up on a couple of days,
but I found out quickly that it's a bad idea
(02:54):
for people to set me up, especially if they're friends
with them. And I told them that because my perspective
is after we're done, they shouldn't exist. I need them
to go into the world of excess where I never
see them again. Like that's kind of how I feel
like it should be. Maybe I think getting older, I've
gotten better about that, but at that point I was like, no,
(03:15):
I don't ever want to see you again, because you
are a picture of my failure or your failure or
something weird. So I went through online dating and I
wasn't very successful until about how honestly, even like thirties,
I didn't get really good days. And even then my
relationships didn't last very long. And of course my partner
and I are together because of location like that, and
(03:41):
I mean, it's worked out nicely, But the thing is,
like that's the only way I knew how to meet people.
So I just wondered, like, huh, what was it like
before dating apps? And I guess it I mean to
be fair again, I'm in my partnership not because of
a dating app. But interestingly enough, the one time I didn't,
I guess, oh yeah, and I have Actually it's Katie,
(04:06):
you're gonna hear on this very episode. I have a
friend Katie who she used to ask me like, she's
somebody who was very always wanting to go on dates
and be with people, and then O jextaposed next to
me who's sort of always accidentally dating, and she would
(04:29):
get really annoyed by it, and she'd be like, what,
how do you meet people? And I would say like, well,
you try not to like you You're basically find stuff
you like that you like and go do that stuff.
And then I don't know, teaser. That's a teaser. Yeah.
And you know what, I've been thinking about this, and
we've been talking about this before, but relationships in general,
(04:51):
how difficult it can be. And as we're rounding out
this year of lockdown or stay at home orders, a
lot of people are getting access a to vaccines. We
know there's a lot more to be done, but you
know it is slowly being distributed and actually being accessible.
And I think, honestly, we are all looking back about
how we've learned to cope. We're probably one of the
(05:14):
most complicated times for us, especially our generation, especially in dating,
and so we wanted to do a review of what
it has been like and including I will say, for
my friends who have been single during this time, it's
been interesting to watch them to see how and what
their reaction is and their dating habits. And I have
some really good stories, like they they slowed down, but
not slow down, I think one of the parts. And
(05:36):
I remember I would often delete and often re as
re download because it was fun the initials. Flirting is fun,
Swiping it's fun, and all of these things and trying
to get to know people. There is something really interesting,
almost like a game. I know, we talked about tender
and how did it originally come from Hot or Not?
And you just swipe on who's hot and who's not
(05:56):
and it was just a really superficial and really kind
of main gay aim. But it's kind of what tender
it seems like it came from, except it didn't beick
up much hookup culture, And of course they paid millions
and millions, if not billions of dollars as one of
the bigger developers of these dating apps, and I think,
during quarantine, what else do you have if you're not
in a relationship, right, Like, why not why not try
(06:18):
to talk and flirt while you're stuck at home? And
so we did want to take a review of what
did quarantine do for our dating, for our relationships and
all of such. Yeah. Yeah, And it's one of the
reasons I never got into online dating because I was
actually pretty I mean, I was judgmental of it at first,
but I'm quickly became the category of oh no, this
(06:40):
is working for people, so why not? It's just my sense.
I was really insecure, and I was like, what if
they all swipe? No? What if I never get So
that was one thing in my head, and then another
was I don't know why I made such a big
deal out of this, because it's not a big deal
at all. But I was like, what if, Like I
see an X on there, like a good male friend
of mine, but my world can't collide? Like those are
(07:02):
the best moments where you start taking screenshots and sitting
at the people do you see this? Yeah? No, Katie
has sent me though she keeps me high, like up
to date on her dating adventures and She'll send me like, oh,
what's this guy he's on here, and I'm like, you know,
there's nothing wrong with it, But there was some part
of me that was like, I'm embarrassed to know that
these friends of mine will know that I'm looking for somebody. Yeah,
(07:26):
that stigma, which I think we've come a long way from.
It's kind of like it's again. The only way I
really dated was through online asked because that's where I
was able to at least represent myself and felt like,
at least I can get to know you a little bit.
And it pushed also to going really fast in relationships.
I feel like where I felt I already knew you.
So even though this is date one, it's like date
(07:47):
five right. Dating in the time of like internet searches,
So we do have some stats and past looks of
how dating relationships for people overall. According to a BBC
article from December, a law firm logged a one d
two increase in divorce inquiries between July and October of
(08:11):
last year compared to the year before, and in the US,
a contract creation site noted a thirty percent rise in
basic divorce agreement sales, with the sad fact that newlyweds
made up of those sales, and similar numbers were also
reported in China and Sweden during the lockdown. But one
(08:32):
of the questions is why. Of course, there seems to
be the obvious answers, including the overall stress of this time,
the changes, and even monetary issues, which is already can
be very sensitive topic within relationships, but also it seems
something that's different about this is that it's actually women
who are initiating the divorces. The same law firm said
(08:53):
seventy six percent of the new cases have been initiated
by women, which was only six in the previous year,
and one lawyer speculated that one of the main reasons
is the unequal amount of household responsibilities each partner is
taking on, such as childcare. That makes sense to me
right and unsurprisingly being single and trying to mingle isn't
(09:15):
any easier. Many have reported that not only being under quarantine,
our stay at home orders are making dating difficult, but
the overall morale of the current situation is making it
hard to actually have a good connection or impression. But
the day difficulties aren't just because of the last year,
as in fact, according to one box report quote nearly
half of Americans say dating is harder now than ten
(09:35):
years ago. But that doesn't mean people aren't trying. As
you may have already figured out and we've talked about before,
online dating has become the preferred method of meeting people
for a while now, like like I said, that's the
only way I actually met people, and has been doing
well before the pandemic, and it has that really slowed down. Wow.
(09:59):
In fact, in March, Tender had its highest number of
swipes in a day, a record setting it three billion,
and apps like okay Cupid saw a seven increase in
dates from March to May of And though many have
not been meeting up face to face as much, a
lot of people and a lot of companies found creative
ways to take the relationship forward. Companies like Bumble and
(10:22):
Grinder included face to face video chats, while companies like
Tender also offered face to face chat, but much like
its original app, makes it quick and easily dismissible, so
I swiping, I guess move on, and Tender has recently
gone as far as offering COVID tests, and other apps
(10:43):
like Bumble, I've been using badges to indicate like your
vaccination status, I guess where you are with COVID in general,
which will let individuals see right off the bat if
they are battle Have you ever used bumble m So
I haven't been on it in years, so I don't
quite know, but used to. It would tell you if
they would verify you as a person, so you weren't
(11:04):
cat fishing someone. Uh, you had to get these badges
of like nice and soda. It actually has a way
of kind of not rating, but essentially letting you know
where they stand. Of course, a lot of people will
automatically put in Trump supporter or Hillary supporter or all
of these things, so you know immediately what political affiliation
they may have. So to add to this is the
(11:27):
COVID notifications like are you COVID denier? Okay, we may not.
Online And though there is a pandemic, people have been
really creative in their dating. For example, we had that
dude who rented himself a bubble to go on a
date with someone he saw across the rooftop. Did you
see that little TikTok? It was cute. And there's been
many who have talked about social distas dating, a two
(11:49):
week quarantine and COVID test dating, So for having this conversation,
all right, in two weeks, we're gonna get our tests
and then we're in meat and the many many zoom dates. Uh,
talking about kind of the whole zoom fatigue and the
video converse fatigue. But as one person has stated in
one of the articles, that if it's a good date,
you don't even notice. Apparently, as I was looking through
(12:12):
all of these, I saw the new top lists for
dating apps because for a little while I did follow
them because I really wanted the best results for me.
There's a site called Okay Zoomer, and I originally thought
I had something to do with the fact that was zoomed,
but it's actually having to do with the fact that
they're in college and you have to be in college
to be able to be on the site. But I
thought it was a cute name. There are other sites
like love is Blind people who love that show. There's
(12:35):
an actual app called love is Quarantine and apparently you
have to be on a Google doc for that and
there's a little waiting list. Yes, so you know what, hey,
you do you all these sites are great. We also
wanted to know because we're kind of nosy and you
are fam it was going for some of you, and
so of course we had to reach out to get
(12:56):
some stories. And there's some good stories and shout out
to all of you who are I didn't have to
share with us. So yeah, we're gonna go ahead and
pull up. Are you ready for some of these stories
from y'all? And they're fantastic. There's some of the marshal
sweet they are. They're so great. But before we get
into them, we're gonna pause for a quip brick for
words for our sponsored and we're back, Thank you sponsor.
(13:30):
Al Right, so let's let's get into these stories that
you wonderful listeners have sent to us, starting with Denise,
my quarantine love story. I'm American and was living in
New York City and was dating my Canadian boo who
lived in Montreal. Then the pandemic hit and the borders closed.
Sad face. We didn't know how long it would be.
(13:51):
We were both unemployed, so we got to talk all day,
played a lot of animal crossing together and visited each
other's islands. It didn't make me feel so lonely, but
then after five months, the border just seemed to be closed. Forever,
but we found a loophole. Canadians were allowed to fly
to the United States, but not the other way around.
We decided to say and get married so I could
go back to Canada with him. Kind of crazy, but god,
(14:13):
we did it. The border still continues to be closed,
so I'm happy we did it all. Congratulations. There's a
point for Animal Crossing, another way to connect with people. Yes,
I wonder if Animal Crossing has thought about doing a
dating app. Oh, I am sure, I am sure. I
feel like this could be a money maker. And then
(14:35):
we've got a story from Adriana. She said dated a girl.
Within the first few weeks, things were great. She planned, yes, planned,
a high school aged makeout session in the back of
my car. I reluctantly agreed. We spent the next hour
in the back seat. The real kick is that she
legitimately booped me in a nose after the hookup, like
straight up boop. And I've never been able to look
(14:57):
at the Indie Taco parking a lot the same way.
My response was like wait what, I was like, I
don't I don't know how I would have responded to that, like,
not only have we done this really fun, but different situation,
but then it's the which I like a job well done.
(15:21):
You know what, I'm sure it was a job well done.
Can we have this one from Marie? Hello? First of all,
I want to say I love the show and listening
to you both has got me through this whole pandemic
world we've been living in lately. Oh thank you. Here's
my story. My boyfriend and I started dating in June
of twenty nineteen. Things were going super well and we
were spending tons of time together towards the end of
(15:41):
the year. We talked about moving in together at the start,
but then the pandemic hit, and since we were both
working from home and only hanging out with each other,
he asked me if i'd want to move in together
in May. So we did, and then the day after
we settled in, we impulsively adopted our dog and love
of our lives go more. Uh. The pandemic definitely accelerated
(16:02):
the rate at which our relationship moved, mostly due to
all the time we've spent together, and probably because of
the shared trauma that comes with going through one's first pandemic.
Smile Race. I'll send some pictures up Gomorra too, So
you can admire her. Thank you both so much for
making the show as great as it is. Hard stop much.
(16:22):
I've actually heard this from some of my friends that
it accelerated relationships in a good way. Like, yeah, some
of these stories are definitely like that, and honestly, for
myself it's actually helped. The first part was a little rough,
but towards it and like being it together has been
really and I've talked about it before has been really
nice and expectedly nice and so yeah, I definitely have
(16:43):
seen these stories too, which it's nice to see. After
we just talked about all the divorce rates. And then
from Stephanie disclaimer. She says, I met my current boyfriend
on dating app during quarantine and things have been going
very well for nine months now. Okay, but in April
I match with They quote very a fined national sports
reporter on tender. Oh, I really wish you could have
gotten the name. He messaged me. We were chatting and
(17:06):
within fifteen minutes he asked if I would go to
his place. I of course said no, and he pressured
me and tried to reassure me that he was safe.
He eventually unmatched me, but I had the satisfaction to
know I turned down a well known persona for my health.
Good for you. And this is where I also will
be like guys are trashed. Yeah, well this is this
(17:29):
is I mean, that's one thing, even not as someone
who're dating, but the layer of like pandemic judgment, what
are you doing? It was safe to you and all
the Yeah, and you realize we have two very different
definitions of quarantining. Yeah. From Teagan, Hi, I was dating
(17:52):
a guy. We met pre quarantine, and then I went
to stay with family. I came back to New York.
We started seeing each other. I have an exclusive combo
because COVID. We sleep together. He gives me after a
few months. This is early December. I guess you could
say he kept me warm. Uh would comment on my
stuff the occasional text. I find out in January he
(18:14):
was dating someone at the entire time, and she posted
this sappy post documenting their relationship. Example, she was with
him on Halloween. I saw him the next day. Thankfully
I didn't get COVID, but I'm still annoyed. I guess
I'm grateful I got laid in because I had had
been a while, but it wasn't good enough for the
(18:35):
drama again, that sucks. Sucks during a quarantine, like, come on,
quarantine family, Oh my gosh, like you know you have
your like other families quarantine. Oh jeez, is there a
(18:56):
quarantine family? No, I don't you know what they're very
well might beam this guy. That reminds me of the
like way back early in the pandemic and entering a
lockdown when SNL was still like doing it from their homes,
and that they had that skit about basically women being
(19:17):
like are you a man that's living? I'll be there,
So it's like a dating show, like I don't care
anything about you. Where are you? Let's go? Remember that
was that with the fete I can't I think he
was on it and they were all talking about how
they vibrators didn't work or something. Yes, I feel that
was funny. That's one of the ads that I saw,
(19:37):
not I think someone that we followed and had on
the show talking about their sex toys and like, hey,
quarantine maybe slowed down, but these are still useful. And yes, agreed,
because the drama is not always worth it. Sometimes it
is so from Anna, she says, I so look forward
to the dating and COVID episode here. It is my story.
(20:00):
I just left a job that drained me so much
I stopped dating for six plus months. Been there when
quarantine began. Just celebrated one year at a much healthier
job author February. As I got ready to move, I
was excited to get to start living my life. I
work in residential life for a college and that really
hambergs dating as a woman in her early thirties, dating
(20:20):
more and getting healthy, that's what she's looking forward to.
My first day of the new job, they canceled classes
for the week, and the following week we went remote.
I just got the first advisor yea, and I'm excited
to start being social with people again. It's been a
lonely year and I hope to be more open in
dating going forward. And she said keep out the awesome
work with Sminthya. Thank you. I told her that she
(20:42):
needed to keep us updated because that this was before
I got my shot and you got yours, I think,
and so let us know what was like in the
weird world my real world. To keep from Rachel my
(21:03):
pandemic dating experience is that it's a crapshoot that doesn't
even result any good conversation, nobody worthwhile to give my
Instagram handle, to let alone number or make plans with
It sucks because early on things weren't too bad, but
by October total garbage experience that never looked up. I
do have a friend who found a boyfriend from bumble
(21:24):
In in y c. Though, and they're adorable and planning
for a future after a couple of bumps in the
road of poor communication and past relationships. Cars messing with them,
which is common. And Rachel has some really good tactics
and great questions. So if y'all are interested, you know,
Rachel my share with you. Because it wasn't really fun,
I was like, oh yeah, she had like just generic questions.
(21:44):
I used to ask people what their favorite tree was.
That didn't get a lot of attention. Oh, that's shocking
to me. I don't understand. I feel like that's a
good question. What is my favorite tree? It's a willow? Actually, Oh,
I feel like that tells a lot about a person.
We'll see. It's funny because I know I've talked about
(22:05):
it before, but I went and saw Hitch when I
was in college, and so he said, always ask about
something fun. So they associate you. Was fun. But now
anytime someone does that, I assume they're doing this hitch thing,
even if they're probably not. Like I'm like, did you
get are you trying to flirt? And like no, you know.
For a little while, I thought about doing a kind
(22:28):
of a short story on all the dates that I've
gone on, because for for a little while I was
getting some good ones and it just became more and
more fun. I had one dude who was trying to
do this whole program and he was in the middle
of working it out and I looked at it was like,
and that just Google Plus, and he got so bad
at me, which was because it's like, you have your
(22:50):
friends and your friends connected with this way. These are
strugles and you do that. I'm like, that's Google Plus.
Uh this is right when Google Plus was coming out,
And I'm like, I don't know if you're too wait
or if you're trying to revamp the system. I guess
it's not too late now since Google Plus is gone, Right,
that's true. Now the time for this guy. Go for it, dude.
I don't remember what your name is, but go for it.
(23:13):
This one comes from Vic who said I was friends
with my boyfriend. Before everything kicked off, a bunch of
us used to go for a pint after work on Friday.
The UK went into lockdown at the end of March,
but things eased up over the summer. At the end
of August, one of our friends moved houses and had
some people for the garden. From drinks, we got chatting
and he was about to move to the other side
of the country for a job. So after the whole
(23:34):
night of us ignoring our other friends, we realized something
was going on and got together over the two weeks
before he moved. Because of the strict lockdown, especially in Scotland,
we haven't seen each other in persons November and probably
won't until the end of April. I've never done long
business before, and while we connected on such a good
emotional level through text and video call, I can't wait
to actually be in the same room again. However, as
(23:56):
we both live alone, I worried the flat will fill
clustrophobic in a different way when there's another person in
the space and we'll just get annoyed with each other.
Going on dates with new people or on apps during
quarantine sounds awful, so I'm glad I snapped him up
when I did. But it's so hard not being able
to even just have a nice cuddle or for someone
else to cook dinner when one of us is tired
because of being so far apart. That sweet though, I
(24:19):
love that. I did ask also when she said as
this if they had already made plans to see each other,
because you know, I'm thinking that's probably one of the
first things they did, and she did respond sing, yeah,
he's going to come and stay for a bit when
Scotland England travel is allowed again, as we have a
bit of flexibility without working remotely when term ends. Apparently
they're both in academics. With all respect to our students,
(24:42):
the end of term can't come quickly enough and I think, yeah,
you're not the only one. I think a lot of
teachers would agree with you. So yeah, thank you again
for sending that. We wanted to talk a little more,
and we decided we needed to have an extended conversation
by doing a Q and A with a friend of
the show and of course a longtime friend of yours Annie. Yes, Katie. Yeah,
So Katie and I got together on the old virtual
(25:05):
hanging out. We had a bit about the hour, and
she I asked her some questions. It's a totally normal
for a friend, you know a lot of podcast perfect yeah, yeah,
and we wanted to share that conversation with you. But
first we're gonna pause for one more quick break for
word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsor.
(25:41):
And yeah, let us get into my interview with one
of my best friends, Katie. So you're joined now by
one of my very best friends, Katie. Hello Katie, Hello,
Hello everyone. So you have featured on the show a lot,
even though this is your first time being here, because
(26:03):
we we've known each other a long time, quite a while. Yeah, yeah,
and I've spoken about we were neighbors, so we we
were also very nerdy and so we did like Jedi
training together. We had light savored pupools. You're right. Cool.
Hercules featured quite often in our adventures back in the day. Yes,
(26:28):
and for listeners who don't know, Young Hercules was a
Ryan Gosling show that I still have on VHS recorded.
It was a nineties nineties Ryan Gosling show. Yes, Yes,
on the w B. Yes. It was beautifully done with
excellent graphics and sound effects. So sarcasm. Go find it, Yes,
(26:50):
if you can, I'm not sure it's available. And that's
why I think I might be sitting on some money here.
In order to truly understand Annie, you have to know her,
her obsessive crush on Ryan Gosling from young It's essential,
It's essential to her personality. So go watch. I apologize
(27:13):
for interrupting you, Annie, I really that fan. Later, I
wrote to Ryan Gosling has to be I was nine
years old. One of the most embarrassing things I've ever done.
I would pay money to read that. I hope whatever
(27:34):
whoever talent agent got that destroyed it. Police. The eyes
were dotted with hearts. And you were with me a
year ago when the quarantine like officially set in in
the United States. It was March thirteenth, and we were
(27:58):
unsure what to do. And to this day, like I've
also talked about your reaction to me playing The Last
of Us two, which was basically you looked at me
as though I had done you the greatest harm. I
just have to go it's hard, man. That was a
(28:23):
hard experience. You broke my heart. I just playing the game.
Just playing the game, you broke my heart and I
went down a path that you could follow that I
follow what I followed. You Damn that game is something else, man.
(28:44):
It made me feel some things. Me too, And you
were the one of the infamous same side. Yeah, I
keep the coin. I've got the coin. Yeah say this
coin that said Abby and Ellie's same side on the
same side and zombies on the other side. Because of
your brilliance, Yes, finally people will realize how brilliant I am.
(29:14):
I've always known that brilliant you are. But okay, so
we're This is an episode on dating during the pandemic,
and when the pandemic did hit. I remember you were
sitting on one of my couches. Yeah, couch, couch Is
it a couch, it's a food whatever. You were sitting
(29:40):
on it and you were scrolling thrill. Was it tender?
It was? It was tender. And you were showing me
pictures of like what people had stocked up on and
then they were saying, like, come to my place, I
have got boxed wine as far as I can see,
and powers of toilet paper. Yes, people were using that
as a catch all as a come hither, and also
(30:05):
like wearing masks. Mm hmmm. They used mask as kind
of a come get me point, which I was totally into.
It was interesting to see how the pandemic was reflected
in tender world, I guess yeah, And you have long
(30:25):
been my guide because I'm someone who hasn't ever online dated,
and I've just learned from you. I've heard from your experience,
You've heard my stories. I don't know if I'm the
best person to reflect that world, but I can try
and give you my point of view the best as possible. Yeah,
(30:48):
and that's all we ask because we have been asking
listeners and other friends of ours, what has your experience
been dating during the pandemic? So can you talk about
what your experience has been like? Yeah, I have to
say first that I use tender for hookups as opposed
(31:09):
to like dating dating m hm, so that paints the
experience a bit differently. Yeah. I think in the beginning
that I became a lot pickier very quickly, because suddenly
it was less of a game and more of oh
(31:33):
I could catch I could catch something, you know, right,
So that definitely kind of it's slowed things down a lot.
And I will say I think I think they're in
the beginning. I only went on one date and it
was awful. It was a terrible experience. Because of COVID,
(31:56):
I was scared to go out. So for the first
time ever, I invited this person straight to my apartment,
so there was no in between, there was no like
we're going to set each other out or anything. And
it was bad, man. It was just we weren't a
good match for each other in any way. And then
(32:17):
I had this person in my house and I didn't
know how to say, please get out of my house,
and uh, it was just it was a terrible night.
So after that, that's kind of what commenced to me.
So selfish reasons. Really, it was half that and half
(32:38):
the pandemics getting real, like real real that I cut
off Tender for a while and just completely deleted it,
deleted bumble, deleted everything and decided it was smarter to
just to look after myself for a little while. Yeah,
but I have recently re downloaded it, so yeah, and
(33:02):
how has that been? Man? Oh man, it's exhausting being
a a dating woman in the Curry age. I gotta say,
first world problems, of course, of course. Yeah, it's been something.
I've gotten ghosted a few times already. I haven't had
(33:25):
it for very long, just a couple of weeks now,
I've been on one date and gotten ghosted quite a
few times. Is that different than I hate for this
to sound so like me and I don't mean it
that way at all, But is that different than the
experience you had before the pandemic? Oh? Um, I really
(33:48):
don't mean I think before the pandemic. I feel like
there were more dates in person before the pandemic for sure,
and less ghosting. I mean ghosting goes hand in hand
with tender. I think you kind of have to and
(34:09):
certain you kind of have to expect that it's coming,
and at least in my experience, which might not be
the experience of everyone mind, but yeah, I think in
my short experience being back on Tinder, I've definitely gotten
ghosted more than before. And in these conversations you're having
(34:30):
the people because I asked you when you were recently
exploring potential matches, how does one even date? And did
you discuss like what that would look like? I think
I was always the one that brought it up, like
would you wear a mask? How would this go? Where
would we go? Would it be in the middle On
a few dates I went on. Yes, but how do
(34:53):
you even date now? I mean my answer to you
and the text message was I don't know because I
really I don't and I've been on one date since
we talked then. And I felt guilty for going out.
That was the first time I've been out since pandemic started,
like actually been out out, and I felt very timid,
(35:18):
like I was looking around, I felt small. I guess
I wore my mask, but I still felt this intense
guilt for being out and just like self consciousness about it.
But once I managed to loosen up and have a
beer or two or three, it got a little better.
(35:38):
We chose the venue that we chose to go acts throwing,
which turned out to be a very open venue. There
was a lot of space, thank god, or else somebody
would have been maimed. But it double worked as we
were way more than six ft away from people. Everyone
(35:59):
was wearing mask well, I mean, you know, there were
a few sticklers that worked, but for the most part
the people that worked there, so that was comforting in
its own way, right. I asked you about mask fashion,
if that was the thing that you thought about for
me personally, No, I stick to my standard black cloth
(36:20):
mask because I look badass in it. It like slims.
My face makes me look a little like intriguing. So
I just got your ax with my ax exactly. That
is flailing around wildly. I was semi good at it.
It was just like bowling. I was good at first,
(36:42):
and then it just went down the mill from there. Yeah. Yeah,
I want to go with you Annie. Oh my god,
I want to see you throw an ax so badly.
I don't like those pictures of being with the ax
at one time. Yeah, and the sounds very bizarre context,
but it was for a Hunger Games audition. It was
(37:03):
so cheesy. It that's something else I hope has disappeared
to time. Gold. It is gold. It's gonna show up
when you're super famous one day. See You've got You've
probably got the most blackmail on me of anybody. Oh
I do. But I'm also the least likely to sell it,
(37:26):
so well, it depends on what they offer me. Like
a true friend, anyone can be bought Reese. Oh no, no, no,
(37:46):
I would never sell that too personally. There's too much
on me that you could throw back. That's true. I
always remember that, so I don't know if you if
you've noticed this, because since you took a break, But
have you noticed, Like this is coming from someone who
(38:07):
has no idea what I'm talking about, like a change
in in how and people's profiles are like the number
of people on it are like have a people left
or they're more people. I honestly can't say, because I
am using tender from I would say a smaller town
outside of Atlanta, like somewhat far out from Atlanta, so
(38:33):
there was kind of a limited number amount of people.
And I tend to swipe fast anyway, so at some
point you reach a screen that says there are no
more people in your area, and then you feel really
bad about yourself. Yea, So I really can't say if
it's gone up or down. To me, it seems like
(38:54):
about the same amount in my area, and it seems
honestly about the same demographic of people mm hmm. But
I can't say if that reflects for the city or
a larger population. Yeah, And then do people put like
in their profiles? Is there you know, like mask required
or are things like that? So far, I haven't seen
(39:17):
that at all. What I have seen is an increase
in people saying they're conservative or their liberal, yeah, or
they're Christian. I have seen an increase in that, and
I have seen an increase in people wearing masks in
their profile pictures. But I haven't seen anything that's like
(39:42):
mask required or won't go out. But I will say Tender.
I believe it's Tender. They have like an area where
you can put your COVID specifications. Oh of if you
want to do only video chat, or if you're willing
to go out for a date, you know, if mask
are required kind of things. So you've got to give
(40:03):
it to them that they are trying to put the
steps in place to allow people to be more comfortable. Yeah.
I think I'm pretty sure they're sending a COVID test too.
You can get a COVID test through Tender. Well, isn't
that's something The future is now, man, the futures and
the futures now. Yeah, I can see how. You know,
(40:26):
first date is already kind of an awkward, stressful situation,
and then you do it during a pandemic and it's
like multiplied. I think one of the things I've noticed
that's going to be a real adjustment period for me
is I was always kind of awkward, but now talking
to people is the most awkward thing, Like it just
feels like I've forgotten how to do it. So I
(40:49):
can imagine on a date that being amplified. I don't
know in a way you have if you're wearing masks,
you have the masks to hide behind, which I find
to be a for in some way, even though it
does complicate reading faces and such m hm. But also
I think it adds an instant is the right word,
(41:10):
levity to the situation of just we instantly have something
to laugh about of oh my god, it's COVID and
here we are doing this thing Like there's kind of
instantly something like you feel tense about it, but there's
also instantly a something you can joke about and bond over,
(41:32):
instantly a subject to talk about. So where you know,
how have you been, what are you doing? What's up
with you? How has COVID treated you? Like? I can
expand upon that a lot if I mean to. So
I guess my wrap up question is, did it to
put it in a very almost dismissive terms, which I
(41:53):
don't mean to either, but did it kind of bum
you out that you've lost this year of dating and
are you excited it? For As more and more people
get vaccinated and more and more things open, two more
readily enter back into that world. I think, to be honest,
it wasn't a bad time for me to take off
(42:15):
and take to myself. I won't lie the shallow part
of me, the completely and utterly shallow part of me.
I have absolutely gained weight during COVID, just from the
drinking a lot more than I used to and also
binge eating when I'm scared or you know, like stressed
(42:36):
out from dealing with with COVID. So I definitely gained weight,
and the shallow part of me that kind of helped
because I was like, man, I you know, that insecure
part was like I don't want to be seen like this.
So that was a very that was a small section
(42:57):
into a small selfish part of it. But it also
gave me the time to separate from my lust for
a relationship or a hookup or for men in general unfortunately,
and and focus a little bit more on me that
(43:18):
it's all the cliche, trite stuff, you know, focus more
on me, and instead of putting all of my emotions
on two men and a temporary hook up, kind of
like being forced to reflect on myself and why I'm
reacting away or not, so I at least try to
(43:41):
look at it through that lens. Getting back to it
currently has been a great distraction, it really has. It's
kind of disturbing how distracting tender can be, or just
how much of a time, like, h, I don't know it.
I'm trying to to remember the time I took off
(44:05):
and not get too sucked back into that world and
too stressed out by it because I have some stories, man,
I have some tender stories. If you have a tender episode,
I'm here. Oh I know, yeah, yeah, we would love
to have you back. And I am so glad that
(44:27):
you came on and shared your experience with us. And
I do think what you just said has been a
lot of people's experience, maybe not even just dating, but
like what they learned about themselves during a quarantine and
a pandemic and trying to keep that in mind for
like how quickly that That's something I thought about, is
(44:47):
how quickly am I going to fall back into old
habits and or am I not? It's truly a moment
to reflect, this is how I react, what I'm alone
and alone for a long period of time, a forced
period of time with no socialization or anything else to
like hide your flaws into. So it's definitely been eye
(45:11):
opening to see that about myself, to have those realizations
about myself, like how much I put things on other
people to make it easier for me, and this isolation
has forced me to confront that, for better or for worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Well I know that I miss you and I can't
(45:31):
wait to see you soon. I know I want to
see you in your long hair and your tread bill
and play Last of Us, even though I still cry
about it sometimes. So we bonded even more that day,
even though I thought you were like not going to
talk to me for weeks after that, I considered it.
(45:55):
But after you go through something like that with someone,
you've got to keep them close. It was so close
to love. That's what the game taught me. It's so
good love. You know. That's interesting. I felt like after
(46:16):
playing that game with you, I felt like people I
had loved died, Like genuinely, I felt like I was
grieving and bargaining and angry. M Who would have thought
a video game could elicit those reactions yeah. Yeah, we
(46:37):
cannot over exaggerate enough. How long we sobbed in silence?
Just sitting there in silence with each other crying. Sound
like such a fun game. Oh my god, you have
to play it. It's so good though, work of art true.
Is there anything else you want to talk about about
(46:59):
your dating experience before we wrap up? I'm still being
ghosted by someone who identifies as a furry, So there's that.
We'll just leave it there. Yeah, gosh, that's a interesting
like if you said that sentence Nerre decades ago, no
(47:20):
one would know what you meant. I'd be burned for
being a witch. I don't know what she said, but
it's some kind of spell. They wouldn't drop kick me
right into that fire. Well, good thing, it's not the
(47:44):
way back win of a couple of decades ago. Hey man,
my friend, Well, thank you so much for joining us.
I miss you and love you, and we would love
to have you back sometime soon. Thank you so much
for having me. I appreciate it so much. As good
to see you, so I hope that you listeners enjoyed
that conversation as much as I did. I hadn't seen
(48:07):
her in a while. Yeah, yeah. We have known each
other since I think we were four years old, so
long time. And it's going to be interesting moving forward
as we do get out of this and what is
dating it to look like in the wake of a pandemic, because,
(48:28):
like one of you listeners pointed out, we did go
through as a world kind of this joint trauma together.
And Katie talked about that because I thought, you know,
in my mind, this is making dating like a first date,
which is already a really nervous racking experience, even worse
because you've got like people watching and there is a
mass conversation. But she said that that you, she felt
(48:50):
like you immediately had this thing that you could bond
over because you went through it together. So it will
be interesting to see what happens. And thanks to all
of you listeners who sent your stories. We love them,
we love getting them, so keep those coming, keep us outdated.
(49:11):
We we love hearing from you. If you would like
to email us, you can or emails Stuff Media, mom Stuff,
I heart media dot com. You can find us on
Instagram and Stuff I've Ever Told You, or on Twitter
at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks it's always to your super
producer Christina. Thank you. Thanks to you for listening stuff
I've never told you. Protection of I Heart Radio. For
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