January 7, 2022 • 48 mins
Couples with cutesy pet names and intimate code language may be nauseating, but research finds those are signs of a healthy relationship. In this classic episode, Cristen and Caroline parse out the particulars of how and why couple-speak happens.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't know to
stuff I've never told you protection I heart radio, so
I think we've talked about this before, Samantha. But I
remind me, are you somebody who does a lot of like, um,
(00:26):
like couple speak are nicknames? Do you have those like
kind of epithets? I don't know if epithets is the
word I got you, so typically no, I am. You know,
to the point that some of our listeners are like,
I think you're a romantic. I'm like, okay, I can
see why you think that. Um, But recently, when I'm joking,
(00:48):
it has now become a habit. Like I used to
joke about it all the time, but now I affectionately
call people boo. So it's not me being like condescending
and I'll just jokey joky, like I really am calling
you boo. I have started calling my partner babe, and
I swore to myself I never would, but it became
a habit, being like really silly and trying to be
like ha, this is thing. And then I said that
(01:10):
if I ever had a pet name, it would always
be like but muffin or something like that. Real silly,
uh and not not obviously not real, but it's kind
of become a habit that I called I call them babe,
and I have never heard them reciprocate thinking about it,
But for me, it's just it's a new thing too,
(01:31):
like the last month or so. And I'm not really
sure why. How interesting, Huh, you're pretty good. You gave
her last producer super producer Andrew a pretty amazing Yeah,
and I still call him that, and he knows that
I still call him that. I will scream it across
(01:52):
offices if I see him across the room. I also
I do do that for my dog too. Yeah, yes, yes,
I have this, this so I mean this. This classic
episode we're bringing back is mostly focusing on like relationships,
I don't off the top of my head, I don't
(02:13):
think I've ever had a relationship where we really called
each other any of those kinds of names. My most
recent X would frequently call me goofball in a very
affectionate way. It felt very affectionate anyway, but it wasn't
kind of like, I don't know the same thing. I
don't think I have gathered a lot of nicknames over
my life, and recently as we've discussed, I've been talking
(02:36):
to myself more and sometimes I will catch myself, like,
if I'm getting really down on myself, I'll say something
like stop at baby, or like I'm I'm calling myself
the names being all you're talking down to yourself. Well,
I'll get upset and then I'll try to say something
like stop at baby or like sweetheart. Sometimes I'll say
(02:59):
or darlin. Um. I do have a friend who calls
me darling and sweetheart a lot, but I have started
doing that recently. I think it's because of the massive
influx of fan fiction I have been reading though, where
those names are very prominent. Um. I even caught myself
using Syrika, which is Mandalorian Mandela the other day and
(03:21):
I was like, oh my god, wow, have you become yes?
But I did. Well. I wanted to bring this classic
BacT because, as we said, it's kind of cuffing season
and I've been telling people about all these dating terms.
I found like at the end of the year, they
were like here the dating terms, they're gonna defined two
And it was things like, well, was it anticipation, which
(03:46):
is what you don't know what to do? Like social
just stigmas out with your hands, um, while dating, and
then hesitating, which is like going back and forth whether
you want to date at all. So anyway, yeah, hesitating.
Just one to bring back this classic on a couple
speak Welcome to Stuff Mom Never told you. From House
(04:08):
top Works dot com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
I'm Christen and I'm Caroline and Caroline. First of all,
I almost forgot my name then when I was introducing myself.
It's a danger. Yeah, it's a little disconcerting, um, but
coming up with a title for this episode was almost well,
(04:32):
actually only slightly more challenging than remembering my own name. Really, yeah,
because what do you what are we talking about? Talking
about relationships speak? Couple talk? Maybe you could call it
pillow talk, but pillow talk is usually referring to post
coital chitch or just being in places with pillows. Then
(04:54):
there's baby talk, but then there's a difference between whether
your baby talking to a baby or to your romantic baby,
your significant other romantic bay. And there are pet names,
but that's a completely separate category of this conversation. I
would think that it would fall under couple speak exactly.
(05:14):
A couple speak umbrella um, So, do you have any
any catchy term for this? Um No, absolutely not. I
would just say that it's a couple of language that
it's it's the weird like coded language that you use
with your your special person, your special someone sexy, babbel sexy. Well,
(05:39):
it's not always sexy. Sometimes it's adorable adora speak. Oh,
it's rarely sexy for people who are hearing you who
are not in the couple, it's usually more along the
lines of of nauseating and cringeing dow things. Oh. Absolutely,
I mean, I I think it is whenever I overhear it.
I mean, my boyfriend and I definitely have ways that
(05:59):
we beat to each other that we don't speak to
other people. Thank God, I would hope not. Uh, but
I definitely don't want other people to overhear that necessarily.
And it's funny. When I told my boyfriend that we
were talking about relationship speak, couple speak, pet names and
stuff like that this week, he looked at me with
this mix of horror and also excitement, which is a
(06:23):
really unique facial expression. I recommend trying to elicit that
from from friends and loved ones if you have the opportunity. Uh,
He's like, you're not going to tell them how we
talk to each other, what we call each other? Are you? Yeah?
You are? I am? Well, what is it dish? I mean,
do you do to have special words or codes that
(06:44):
are safe for our listeners? Of course and for me? What? Really? Honestly, listeners,
I love you, but really I don't know if I
want the t M. I well, yeah, I'm just gonna
go ahead and dive in. And I don't think he's
going to listen to this episode because I think he
is already like preemptively horrified that I might talk about it.
But uh, okay, I guess I should preface this by
(07:08):
saying things. We don't call each other, so we don't
say boo or bay. He is like strongly opposed to
using the term boo. Okay, so far we are totally opposites. Continue, Well, no,
I did date a guy right after college and we
called each other boo. But that's the only person that
I've ever done that with. But he was also a ghost. Yeah,
(07:30):
I was real awkward when you tried to snuggle. But
now my boyfriend and I call each other either. We
just refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Like, hey,
boyfriend came here, or we call each other listeners. Can
you feel me blushing? We call each other boyfriend dog
and girlfriend dog because early on in our relationship he
(07:52):
like jumped on the couch when I was using my
laptop and I was like, god, you're like a big
puppy sometime and he said, yeah, like I'm a I'm
a boyfriend dog. So that became a thing. How does
it feel publicizing this information, Caroline, I don't know how
red am I right now? You're a pretty solid shade
of pink. Maybe it's just warm in here. Well, listen,
(08:16):
I am in the opposite camp. My fiance and I
are all about some boo and babe, and to the
point that our friends will sometimes make fun of us
when we're all hanging out and intentionally be like, oh hi, babe,
bi yeah, And I don't care because that is just
(08:38):
how we talked to each other. And in terms of
like couples speak, we don't necessarily have like a cute
see language aside from me feeling at liberty to abbreviate
words as often as possible because it is one of
my favorite things to do when I'm just at home,
chit chat, not on the mic, you know. Uh, but
(09:01):
our couple speak is more of a shared humor brain.
So it's the thing of making the exact same joke
at the same time. Although sometimes I get a little
competitive and I'll make the joke first and then he'll
come in to split second after me, and I'm like, yes,
I made the joke first. Yeah. No, My boyfriend and
I do that all the time. We will frequently make
the same joke around the same time. We will like
(09:24):
be picking up the fan to text each other at
the same time. So we do have like a two
person hive brain. Um. But I'm imagining you only know
that because you're saying next to each other when that
happens all the time. He's actually here right now, he's
under the table. Sorry, sorry, Um. No, we we do
have We don't use baby talk because to me, I
(09:45):
find that nauseating. Uh, no judgment, um, But we do
have like a certain type of voice that we use
with each other sometimes when we're trying to be playful.
Not it's not an all the time thing, but when
we're trying to be more play full and cute with
each other, we do have a voice we use. I'm
not going to repeat it on the podcast. Sorry, I've
(10:05):
noticed my phone voice changes, especially on the telephone call
on the way home from work. Um, it goes up.
It's a little bit softer. It's the closest I get
to a baby boys. Also, though it is the same
voice I use if I'm at a restaurant and I
have to like send something back and I'm really nervous
about it, you know, it's that like hyper feminized t voice. Uh.
(10:33):
Not that I am like similarly nervous of how my
fiance will respond to me if I need something. Um,
But it is interesting to think about, you know, this
this common couple language that is unique to all couples.
But there's that common pattern of love and sex influencing
(10:55):
how we talk and the way we modulate our voices
and the words that we suddenly make up. Well, love
and sex. Yeah, but I mean, I think intimacy in general,
because you can develop languages with other intimate people in
your life, other significant others who aren't your boo, maybe
your best friend. You and your best friend have nicknames
for each other. Are ways that you speak to each other,
(11:16):
whether that's tone or just a sort of vocabulary that
maybe you don't use with other people because either you've
known this person for so long, or maybe your new
friends and you've developed a really strong bond suddenly, and
so you just speak to each other in a different
way than you speak with other people. Yeah, I mean,
it's true. My best friend and I exclusively speech German
(11:37):
through each other. No, it's true. With my one of
my best friends, we have a specific text speak that
we use um intentional misspellings of words that I really
only send to her, and it's our way of expressing
affection to each other. Like if I say I miss
(11:59):
you so much, I'm gonna spell so s e wwwwwww,
it just means something different. So it's bonding. Yeah, I
mean that. And it happens when you spend a lot
of time with someone and it's this. It's an actual
literal thing, and it's called phonetic convergence. It's basically, when
(12:21):
you're spending time with people, whether it is an intimate
partner or a best friend or even work colleagues that
you're spending a lot of time with, you can start
to mimic the way that the other person speaks, particularly
if you like both the person and what they're saying,
and this can involve accent changes or even the use
(12:42):
of different dialects. I wonder too if it extends into
gestures and body language at all. Yeah, that is what
researcher Elaine Hatfield called emotional contagion. The sort of encompasses, Well,
we're the ideas that we're already familiar with of mimicking
some on body language, their facial expressions, and it's part
(13:03):
of catching their emotion, whether that's anxiety, joy, whatever. I mean,
how often has this happened to you, where like someone
in your family or a friend or somebody at work
is like in a really bad mood or in a
really great mood, and you kind of catch it and
start mimicking, and you even feel it within you, like, oh,
I'm starting to feel a little more anxious because this
(13:24):
person is anxious or whatever the case. Maybe, and studies
have shown that the longer people are speaking with each other,
the more they'll match speaking rate, frequency, and vocal intensity,
which a're just imagining two people gradually yelling at each other.
That happens. So I feel like I've been in that conversation.
(13:44):
All the booze might have been involved booze like drinking booze?
Or are multiple boyfriends? Good question? And I mean the alcohol. Um.
And also this exclusivity develops the longer that you kind
of develop that conversational rapport with a person. This is
probably why we can't have long, extended, in depth conversations
(14:07):
with good friends of ours if you're in a noisy bar,
for instance. Um and then finally says it found that
you will align description schemes and sentence structures where such
robots in a way, we're adorable, meaty, squishy robots who
can't help but mimic other people's speech, but also their
(14:29):
posture and body language and facial expressions, all that good stuff.
So why what is going on? Uh? There was a
study in October from Language Variation and Change, that's a journal. Uh.
They found that the degree of vocal change when we're
talking to someone can be related to how much you
agree with the person. So they did this study where
(14:51):
participants listened to a politically charged diet tribe and then
had to describe a cartoon. And I think the cartoon
was of it was like a nun giving a banana
to a monk or something. No, it was a waitress
giving a banana to a monk, which is like, really
weird and absurd, But they just had the person describe
that strange cartoon. And researchers found that when the participants
(15:11):
agreed with the political rant that they had heard and
with the ideology in it, and when they seem to
respect the person speaking and their ideas, their syntax in
describing the cartoon matched the political ranters syntax. When they
didn't agree with the person, didn't respect their ideas, didn't
respect what they were saying, there wasn't much of a
language match, if at all. So in short, basically aligning
(15:36):
your speech patterns with the person you're talking to facilitates
communication and understanding. It's our way of being like, hey,
we're on the same team. I like you, I respect you.
I'm going to start to morph, even unconsciously. I'm going
to start to morph the way that I speak so
that you can understand me even better. So the way
we think about the person across from us moderates how
(15:57):
we talked to them. Eventually, yeah, um, and we see
variations among basically any group. I mean, twins Speak is
probably the best known among these. Twin Speak is officially
called crypto pH asa ps um, And it's because twins
spend a lot of time together and are on the
(16:18):
same developmental trajectory, and they have that intimacy level that
reinforces each other's speech patterns and inventions. And also, of
course twins share that same mind, twin mind. They don't
actually have twin mind, but I have twin nephews, and
I have seen this happen because they're also identical, and
(16:40):
when they get going making jokes, going on these tangents,
it's incredible how they just build on one another. Yeah,
and cryptophasa also doesn't just relate to twins speaking similarly
or kind of developing a language. It refers specifically to
like almost speech that's detrimental to the pair of twins,
(17:04):
because perhaps there's a mispronunciation or a speech impediment that
leads to this false language. For for for so long,
people have been fascinated by twins, like, oh my god,
they're developing their own language, when really it's it's less
developing their own language because they might not even understand
it as babies or toddlers or whatever, but they're just
trying to mimic each other and communicate with each other
(17:27):
on the same wavelength and crypto pH asia as opposed
to just like regular happy badly twins speak is often
times something that has to get you have to get
a speech therapist involved to try to like move the
kids on from using their own secret language. So when
we think colloquially of twins speak, it's really just siblings
(17:49):
speak or friends speak. It's anyone who hangs out and
likes each other enough, yeah, anyone enough times. Yeah, anyone
who spends like a super huge amount of dedicated intimate
time together that they developed the same sort of language
that maybe others don't even know what you're talking about,
such as roommates. There was a study in January twelve
(18:11):
and the Journal of Phonetics which looked at four sets
of male roommates and found phonetic convergence was related to
the roommates closeness and relationship quality. In Caroline. Now, I
have to ask me, did you endude roommate ended up
twin speaking a lot of times? Yeah, dude roommate and
I we definitely have our own like shorthand language with
(18:35):
each other because we've known each other since I mean,
we were roommates in college. We've known each other since
we were but college babies, um, and then we lived
together as adults too after after many years apart. But
we've definitely had a really strong friendship over the years,
and the way we speak to each other, even if
we're not using like weird words, we still have a
(18:55):
tone and a rapport with each other that's unique to
our relationship versus other people. But yeah, the study was
interesting because the they were looking specifically at sets of
roommates who didn't know each other before, so it wasn't
like they were friends and they'd already maybe developed a rapport.
They specifically wanted to look at the trajectory of like,
as these guys get to know each other and spend
a ton of unavoidable time together, what happens? And so
(19:18):
they found that the guys who had the stronger, better,
more positive relationship ended up unconsciously mimicking each other's speech patterns. So,
in the context of romantic relationships, then let's peel back
some more layers as to why it happens. Aside from
this clearly like neurological pattern of us mirroring each other,
(19:40):
I bet some mirror neurons are involved in this whole thing. Um,
But if we look at these emotionally intimate relationships, that
kind of couple language couples speak develops alongside the vulnerability
that comes with being in most you know, long term
(20:00):
romantic relationships. I mean, you have the most childlike parts
of yourself on display, hopefully not all the time, but
from time to time. And Bustle UH had a pretty
in depth piece on this and talk to your relationship
expert Wendy Walsh about it, who said, keep in mind,
(20:20):
a relationship is an exchange of care. Yes, And as
Elizabeth in the Catapult said, I don't know if anybody
else ever listened to that band they have that song
called We're All just taller children. It's true, you know.
And and this, the intimacy with your partner can really reveal,
like we said, those childlike parts of yourself that just
(20:42):
want to be taken care of. And so in this
article and Bustle they were talking about how as intimacy deepens,
you tend to move away from real life language, and
part of this is abbreviating or shortening words. Kristen Uh
for instance, using hunt instead of honey like you did
when you roe, but a wee baby Oh. I always
(21:04):
called my mom hun, could you get me a bottle?
I'm so thirsty. But also like your parents did with you,
they probably had little nicknames for you too, and so
you know, it was always developing. Child girls just used
your first your whole, your whole name, your whole full
(21:24):
Christian name. Names just didn't make it even more formal.
But research has actually shown that the use of baby
talk tends to be used less and less as time
goes on. It tends to be used early because it's
another way of developing and strengthening a bond. And that's
coming from the Kinsey Institute who did a bunch of
research into couple language. And it really comes out of
(21:48):
this whole i don't know what to call it, pattern
that was established with your parents. Generally, like if you
had a loving, safe relationship with your parents, that's the
last time you experience in these overwhelming feelings of love
and care and safety. And so that's where are use
of nicknames and pet names and and baby talk comes from.
(22:12):
And if going back again to the context of dating
relationships or marital relationships, if we pull in that physical
intimacy as well, that of course will involve some neurotransmitters
and neurochemicals being released in our brains, such as dopamine
and oxytose, and these things that make us feel good
(22:33):
make us feel bonded to the other person. So you know,
you you're just getting this three sixty recipe for intimacy
and closeness, and that is stripping away self censoring that
we would normally do, or in my case, using entire
words rather than just half of war. And it's really
(22:56):
a cycle. I mean, using this type of language with
our partners d binds the bond and creates a unique
shared identity, which then leads to creating more unique language
and more bonding. So it never stops. You're never getting
out of it. You're always going to talk like this
with your partner. Get used to it until you don't,
which will hit on in the second half of the podcast.
(23:17):
But researchers have talked about how it really reflects that
need to represent how special our attachment is, yes to
to outsiders and friends and whoever, but really to each other.
And that's something that Ian Kerner, who's a sex counselor,
told Bustle for that same article that Kristen mentioned. But
it's the same idea that you might have nicknames for
your bff two like, it's just communicating to one another
(23:39):
that your relationship is special. This is the sweetest podcast, Caroline.
I gotta say, we're just getting real presh. But so
what does secret languages mean for couples. I mean, we
keep going back and forth between different types of relationships,
but we will get more into that right after a
quick break. So if your relationship outsider, it might not
(24:11):
seem like the more, the better you know, the more
you're having to listen to other people's adorable pet names
and little baby talk back and forth or sexy babble
as I like to call it. But research in the
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships does find that the
more a couple uses nicknames, made up words, and secret
(24:33):
code requests for sex, the higher the relationship satisfaction. And
I was surprised. It means you're like living in your
own world. Yeah. Relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf was talking to
Women's Health mag By the way, I just started reading
a book of hers about how to stop fighting. Not
that not to indicate that I'm fighting all the time
with boyfriend dog, but it's always important to be armed
(24:55):
with good information about how to succeed in relationships. Anyho
turned or IF agrees that it's quantity over quality, and
she talks about how studies have found that couples who
maintain and I love this. I'm like, how did you
come up with But I'm sure there's science behind it.
I'm sure. Uh, Couples who maintain a five to one
ratio of positive to negative communications are far more likely
(25:17):
to remain happy, and she says that using nicknames and
made up language is an easy way to do that.
It's an easy way to inject positive communication into your
everyday life. I love thinking about this, though in the
real world situations of a fight or disagreement brewing and
trying to do this, you know, like five to one
ratio yourself to be like, actually, babe, you're wrong, sweetheart,
(25:42):
You're so wrong, Honey. I don't know sweetheart for me,
and I know that other people probably have this experience,
Like different words have different connotations, but to me, like,
if you say, oh, she's my sweetheart, that's that's pretty sweet.
But I have actually used sweetheart in terms of being
that's more likely to be my word when I frustrated
with you. That's a passive aggressive sweetheart sweetheart, And I
(26:05):
think it my dad does the same thing. I think
that's where I get it. My dad when he is
like super angry at my mom or me and he's
trying not to yell or whatever, he'll he'll refer to
us as sweetheart. Maybe he's just trying to maintain that
five to one. You know he knew well. I wonder
how stuff Chattervan never told you. Well. There's even a
term for all of this put forth by researchers Carol J.
(26:29):
Brewis and Judy C. Pearson in a study they put out,
they refer to a couple speak nicknames and this insider
language and relationships as idiosyncratic communication. I love all these
non romantic terms for the way we sexy babble each
other zacadamia. And they found though that this idiosyncratic communication
(26:53):
not surprisingly is associated with marital satisfaction. Couples in their
first five years of Mary Sam's kids reported using the
most idioms and I wonder parents listening if maybe once
you have kids, some of that focus on your coded
language refocuses to your new babe, little baby, your new baby. Yeah,
(27:19):
that you get to literally baby talk to Yeah, slightly
more acceptable in mixed companies. Yeah, I would think so,
because also when there's a baby around, friends and family
and whoever, are probably more likely to also baby talk
your baby. Whereas if you and your boo are sitting around,
your friends probably are going to baby talk you guys
(27:40):
from a genuine perspective. They might do it to make
fun of you. Yeah, they might not join in on
your genuine baby talk with each other. That could be weird. Yeah,
I don't. I don't know what we're going it on.
That pot look sudly. Everyone's keys are in a bowl
of the most awkward worn't Christmas party of verb. But
(28:01):
there's an article that we read in the Telegraph that
talks about how, uh, couple language not necessarily baby talk,
but couple language indicates whether you're in sync. It's really
like menstrual synchrony. No, I mean like the band, the
boy band, whether you're lands bass um and so basically,
(28:22):
the ebbs and flows of your use of couple speak
mimics the ebbs and flows of your relationship, your highs
and lows. If you stop using couple speak or you're
not using it as much one week. Does that mean
the relationships over? No? Thinking back though on my relationship,
there have been the times when we've been, you know,
hitting the valleys that you go through, and there usually
(28:44):
is an absence of the boo and the babe. I know,
and I thought about that too, and I realized that
it's the same with me, and we're in good company, Kristen.
Because University of Texas researchers looked at letters between Victorian
poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, in addition to Sylvia
Plath and Ted Hughes, and they found that both in
(29:06):
their work and in their private letters, the couple's language
styles matched, but they matched most intensely at the most
intense and positive parts of the relationship. Yeah. So for
Sylvia and Ted, who clearly had a very tumultuous relationship,
those highs and lows were reflected in the terms of
(29:27):
use and avoidance of matching language in their letters. Um
even at their high points, though they had less matching
than Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. So I mean, is
it is it was that just a sign that they
were doomed? I don't know. I's if it's a sign
that they were doomed. But I think it's a it's
a perhaps, you know, putting on my little psychologist cap,
(29:51):
not at all, it's what would that cap look like?
Would it be like a driving cap? Oh, jaunty driving cap.
I'm thinking, what about like an Amelia Earhart style aviator cap? Okay,
I'm putting on my psychologist aviator cap. And I think
it's more if you realize, if you use a little
bit of self awareness and realize, like I'm not using
(30:12):
very much like affectionate language, what's going on? It just
might be a good opportunity to step back and say, well,
are there things I'm not addressing in my relationship that
are making me feel like I want to be less affectionate?
Because I know when my boyfriend and I have hit
those valleys Christen, there is a feeling that you're less
driven to be affectionate, whether that's physical affection or verbal affection.
(30:37):
But in in great times, when everything's going swimmingly, we're
more likely to use those sweet nicknames or use our
special voices with each other than we would otherwise. So
there are some shortcuts in a way that this couple
language can offer to help this navigate through those valleys,
(30:57):
not to be confused with hidden Valley the land of
inch where you and your boyfriend and girlfriend whomever just
going to salad bars all the time. Um So, the
first shortcut to pay attention to is that you might
have code words for life events like bad days or
annoying events that let your partner know how your days
sluck without having to relive it. And this is not
(31:21):
me because I'm a I'm a real talker when it
comes to comes to tough times, and I'm just gonna
want to tell my fiance all of the details after
a period of silence, I need to quietly process and
then I'll be like cooking dinner and drinking glass of
wine because that calms me down. And you know, forty
five minutes later, I've gotten through, you know, the first
(31:42):
hour of my day recounting it well, congret you know,
I'm Studies have shown that the more you vocalize your anger,
the more it builds on itself. So perhaps that there
is something to this, you know, telling your boyfriend if
you had a bad day at work or whatever. Not
that you ever have a bad day at work, Kristen,
but you could, you know, be like, ah, it's the usual.
(32:03):
Maybe maybe your BOO would know like it's just another
day with rough stuff. Well, yeah, maybe he and I
can strategize together on some you know, some just quick
phrases that can you know, nip all of my retelling
in the bud um. But if the conflict is between
you and your s O, your significant other, there's always
(32:26):
shortcut number two, which is using that humor in a
fight as a way to resolve it, employing an inside
joke or a pet name to sort of steer you
back into relationships bill, which is challenging, sometimes depending on
the conflict and sometimes depending on what we are talking about.
(32:47):
Don't call me Bay? Don't you Bay right now? Am
I be in twenty minutes? That's that's where we get
the negative, Sweetheart, I guess, yeah, don't yeah, don't use
it like that, listen, sweetheart, because when that happens, I
think that's far more toxic. If you make the the
sick jokes, the angry, darker jokes, and use pet names sarcastically, Yeah,
(33:14):
that is toxic. That's only gonna deepen that conflict. Yeah,
it might be more of like a when the realization
starts to dawn that perhaps it's an unproductive argument or
a fight that you've had a million times. Maybe once
you start to realize that and pull yourself out of it,
you can crack an inside joke and like, hey, I'm
(33:34):
offering a hand out of this fight. Do you want
to get out of it? This is silly, Yeah, I mean,
that's one of those situations where one of you has
to have the lighter perspective on it. I mean, but
if you're both in the trenches, good luck, sweetheart. But
all of these couple researchers and intimacy experts applaud the
(33:55):
use of pet names, so hopefully they're in approval of
me saying boyfriend dog, because that's definitely a very strange
pet name. Oh yeah, I think it's a I think
any psychologist would be like, that's super healthy. You have
a unique name for the person you love. So if
you and your significant other really hit to the kids
(34:18):
speak these days, if you don't want to adopt Caroline's
boyfriend dog girlfriend dog, you could be each other's bay,
which I mean, and that also is not exclusive to
romantic relationships. I mean, I have girlfriends who are Bay
to me, um. But also when we're talking about Bay.
Even though it is new to the mainstream, it has
(34:40):
been around for longer than a hot minute. Yeah, and
I mean whatever you call your person, or maybe you
call your person person, that's also a thing that I
call my boyfriend. Uh, it's a positive thing. Author Pat
Love was telling Women's Health that pet names are an
auditory marker that identifies the relationship as exclusive as does
(35:01):
all of this couple language that we've been talking about.
And it lets your boo and everyone else know that
you're committed, and they reinforce that little mini culture that
many environment that is your relationship. Yes. Speaking to Scientific American,
Carol J. Bruis was talking about this and how if
essentially you can't laugh at yourself and be lighthearted in
(35:23):
your relationship, then that relationship is not going to sustain
itself in a lighthearted, playful kind of way over the
long term. And that and that playfulness is so necessary
I think for long term sustainability. To make myself sound
like my relationship is actually a corporation. And she says
that maybe we even value our nicknames more today because
(35:47):
everybody's always on the Twitter, you know, they're always on
the Twitter talking to each other. They're always talking to
each other. And she says that these this use of
pet names, these auditory markers, can hell create and reinforce
that two persons special intimate sphere, like if you're dealing
with the public all day long, that you get to
(36:08):
come home to your person, use special names in a
special language, and it just reinforces like we're each other's
and this is a safe, wonderful space. Well, I sort
of have the reverse with that to some extent with
my fiance, because he has appeared with me on a
number of stuff I never told you videos, and he
goes by the pseudonym professor Boyfriend. Now, of course professor Fiance,
(36:34):
which some people miss here is Professor Beyonce, which I'm
also totally fine with. UM. So it's like our our
public pet name, because I like preserving the intimacy of
our first names together and who we are as a
couple to all of our family and friends off of
(36:55):
the Internet. I don't call him professor fiance at home, um,
unless he's wearing a blate tweet lazer with elbow patches.
That never happens. And I just assumed that everybody used
pet names for each other for their significant others. It
turns out that no, it's not true. Uh. The authors
(37:15):
of The Normal Bar did a completely non randomized, non
scientific Internet survey on US participants, UH, interviewing them about
pet names, well, a couple language in general, I think,
but pet names too, and found that six of their
U S survey respondents said they used pet names in
their relationships, but among those who said they were very
(37:36):
happy in their relationship, that number shoots up to seventy.
So there you go that, yes, this is unscientific, but
that confirms everything we've been saying that the stronger and
happier you feel in your relationship, the more likely you
are to develop this sort of secret language between the
two of you to reflect your sweet feelings. And we
take that sweetness so literally in a lot of the
(37:57):
dessert related pet names that we will give each other,
which kind of subtly indicate that your person is not
just a person, but a treat the light in your life,
like putting cupcake. Um. The French have my little cabbage
or cream puff. There's a Dutch term meaning candy. In Russian,
(38:21):
your ashenka is your special little cherry. Um. I amant
a fan though of the sweet food nicknames. I I
do like my little cabbage. I'm down for that, mon
petit shoe, although Professor Fiance would probably prefer something like
my my handsome, my gallant cabbage keeps your regular. Um. No,
(38:45):
I called my my college roommate, Deepa. I called her.
We called each other putting all the time because we
we She and I lived together our senior year of
college and then worked together at the newspaper, and we
always referred to each other as how you doing puttin?
How's your day? And yeah, So I don't think I've
ever used like a sweet food term with a boyfriend. Yeah,
(39:08):
I mean there was the sugar free jello guy, but
that that clearly was doomed from the stiglers. Um. But
of course there are downsides to these pet names. Can
you talk a little bit about roommates syndrome, which is
apparently can can foster. This is I'm going to be honest,
(39:28):
this is like a deathly serious fear of mine in
any relationship is roommates syndrome. And I mean I think
I think that that's something that a lot of couples
share about, this fear of like, you know, especially maybe
if if your parents developed roommates and German. You grew
up watching that, and it's something that authors Maggie Rna
and Julian Davis talk about in arguing against the use
(39:51):
of pet names, and their argument is basically that the
minute you start calling your sweetie muffin, your relationship goes
from super hot it too friendly. And they think that's
like the worst thing that can happen, so they say
that it kills your sex life. But everything that we've
read so far, Kristen indicates that pet names and couple
(40:13):
speak ebb and flow with the strength and satisfaction of
your relationship, and then it's the relationship that dictates how
much actual couple speak you'll use. Yeah, I mean, I
think it's the type of pet names that will develop.
I mean, I can't see roommates syndrome um happening to
people who call each other muffin and cutie cake cabbage pie.
(40:39):
But if it's I'll catch this is embarrassing. But I
catch myself partially because it's our dog's name, but never
fiance and I are never buddy to each other. Hey buddy,
Hey buddy, what's up? Like it's we intentionally keep our
pet names non a tonic because we lived together too,
(41:02):
and yeah, I mean roommates syndrome. Oh yeah, it can
happen for sure, Um, and it is. I think minding
your language is a good way to guard against it.
So it's always like, hello, how does sexy cabin in kindergarten?
You are my sexy little cabins And as one of
(41:22):
the authors Arana points out, hey, we're all ego driven.
We like hearing our names, although although the use of
your real Christian name, which I say lately, often indicates
are in trouble. Yeah, it is so weird to me
sometimes to hear my fiance called me Kristen. Yeah, something
(41:45):
serious is going on? Like wait, no, I only answered
a babe, Yeah what is this? Yeah? I only if
I'm yelling across the house because I need something or
I have a question. It's always going to be boyfriend,
That's what I yell across the house, And the same
thing girlfriend and yells across the house at me and listeners.
If she needs me at work, she just yells podcaster.
(42:06):
But the thing is we have desks next to each other,
and I'm like, what are you going, colleague, cabbage colleague,
my petite petite colleague cabbage. I kind of like that,
to be honest, I think that's that's pretty sweet. Now
we need someone to to draw us as affectionate cabbage friends. Yes,
(42:30):
do we just need cabbage patch dolls? No? No, no,
Caroline's eyes just full open. Now I'm not a fan.
I had cabbage patch dolls growing up. I went to
the cabbage patch like factory. What is it called the
cabbage patch like hospital or something? Yeah, the hospital where
they like berth the cabbage patch babies. I'm no, I
(42:51):
don't need to revisit that. But cabbage cubicle mates we
can be yeah, okay, cool, Yeah, listeners, If anyone can
render us as as friendly cabbages, we'd love you forever.
Don't forget Christen's red lipstick. Well, now we want to
(43:12):
know about your secret languages that you share with significant others,
whether that is a romantic significant other or a BFF
or a family member, whoever is special to you. Does
this resonate with how you find yourself speaking to the
people you love. Let us know mom Stuff at how
stuff works dot Com is our email address. You can
(43:34):
also tweet us at mom stuff podcast or messages on
Facebook and We've got a couple of messages to share
with you right now. Alrighty, well, I have a Facebook
message here from Christine about our maternity leave episode. She says,
Hello ladies, Hello Christine. First of all, as everyone always does,
(43:56):
I must tell you that I have been a fan
for many years. You've helped me through hours of TDS
activities and help me be singled out as the person
in my circle friends who's constantly saying so, I was
listening to a podcast. She goes on to say, as
I was getting ready this morning, I was listening to
the podcast on maternity leave. I might have an interesting
perspective on this. I'm a teacher, and not just a
(44:16):
classroom teacher, but I teach theater at a school in Texas. As.
You know, everything in Texas has to be bigger than life,
and theater is no exception. The expectation for my theater
program is anywhere from three to five shows per year.
These are all rehearsed after school. Let's olf. Rehearsals are
generally three times per week and last generally two hours,
and as you get closer to the show, they are
(44:37):
more frequent and less longer. I don't have children, yet,
but with thirty right around the corner, it's on my brain.
My constant question that I'm asking myself is how can
I manage to have a child when I'm putting so
much time into my theater program. When I asked this
of other theater teachers I meet, about fifty percent say
you just make it work, and the other fifty say planning.
What they mean is this, they gave themselves approximately one
(45:00):
months to get pregnant for the year, and then would
wait until the next year if they didn't get pregnant.
Most teachers will jokingly tell you that the ideal months
to get pregnant is August. That way, when you give birth,
you won't have to come back to school, and we'll
just get to spend the whole summer with your new
bundle of joy. The terrifying aspect of this is that
I am seriously considering this. I hate that I have
to feel that I need to be pigeonholed into getting
(45:21):
pregnant during only one month of the year, but the
thought of not being able to spend those first few
weeks and months with my first child is heartbreaking. If
you read this on the podcast, please add a shout
out for all the teachers who spend so many additional
hours at school with their child in tow while they're
in daycare and mom or dad is checking their watch
because they know they need to pick them up before
six pm, and who decided to stay home because they
(45:44):
too need recognition. Well thanks Christeve, Well I've got to
let her here. From Samantha also about our maternity leave episode,
and she writes the maternity leave topic struck home for
me for a few reasons, the first one being that
you didn't discuss help pregnant seat in the lack of
maternity leave can affect students. I had my daughter my
(46:04):
second senior year in college. I knew I wouldn't get
any time off classes and that as soon as I graduated,
I'd have to start working, so he planned the pregnant
seat for my Christmas break. I carried her with little
complication for entirely full spring, summer, and false semesters. Due
to medical reasons, I was induced two days after my
final exams ended. This gave me around two weeks before
(46:25):
returning to classes. My spring wasn't dandy, however, as I
had several medical complications resulting in numerous doctors visits and surgeries,
which meant missing classes and having to self teach some
of my senior classes. It also meant pumping breast milk
once or twice a day in my car with shades
up when I could go, and working off very little sleep.
But that's another story. I managed through all that to
(46:46):
graduate in May with my degrees in engineering and philosophy,
but wish it could have been made easier and maybe
some complications avoided by getting to take some time off.
My work is an entirely different story. I worked closely
with the welding industry, and due to environmental hazards, would
have to stop doing my job over health concerns for
the baby. I guess I would have to change to
(47:07):
an inside office job unrelated to my degree or training,
or leave and hope there's a job there when I'm
ready to return. This is about all I can imagine,
since I'm the only woman in the entire company in
the boys club of getting to go to industrial sites,
so there's a lot of concern that I fit into
the idea of a younger employee, which is typically male
and doesn't take leave when a child is born. The
(47:28):
few women that I know have returned after giving birth,
took maybe two weeks and had zero complications. My company
isn't cruel by any means, and they really support family,
especially in times of need, which we've experienced, but the
environment is lean and one of the no free lunch
when it comes to getting the job done. This is
a small part of why my husband and I decided
to stop with our daughter and not have another child.
(47:52):
So thanks for that insight, Samantha, and thanks to everyone
who's written into us mom. Stuff at al safwork dot
com is where you can send your emails and for
links all of our social media as well as all
of our blogs, videos and podcasts, including this one with
links to our sources. So you can learn more about
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(48:12):
Mom Never Told You dot com for moralness and thousands
of other topics. Does it How stuff works dot com
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't know to
stuff I've never told you protection I heart radio, so
I think we've talked about this before, Samantha. But I
remind me, are you somebody who does a lot of like, um,
(00:26):
like couple speak are nicknames? Do you have those like
kind of epithets? I don't know if epithets is the
word I got you, so typically no, I am. You know,
to the point that some of our listeners are like,
I think you're a romantic. I'm like, okay, I can
see why you think that. Um, But recently, when I'm joking,
(00:48):
it has now become a habit. Like I used to
joke about it all the time, but now I affectionately
call people boo. So it's not me being like condescending
and I'll just jokey joky, like I really am calling
you boo. I have started calling my partner babe, and
I swore to myself I never would, but it became
a habit, being like really silly and trying to be
like ha, this is thing. And then I said that
(01:10):
if I ever had a pet name, it would always
be like but muffin or something like that. Real silly,
uh and not not obviously not real, but it's kind
of become a habit that I called I call them babe,
and I have never heard them reciprocate thinking about it,
But for me, it's just it's a new thing too,
(01:31):
like the last month or so. And I'm not really
sure why. How interesting, Huh, you're pretty good. You gave
her last producer super producer Andrew a pretty amazing Yeah,
and I still call him that, and he knows that
I still call him that. I will scream it across
(01:52):
offices if I see him across the room. I also
I do do that for my dog too. Yeah, yes, yes,
I have this, this so I mean this. This classic
episode we're bringing back is mostly focusing on like relationships,
I don't off the top of my head, I don't
(02:13):
think I've ever had a relationship where we really called
each other any of those kinds of names. My most
recent X would frequently call me goofball in a very
affectionate way. It felt very affectionate anyway, but it wasn't
kind of like, I don't know the same thing. I
don't think I have gathered a lot of nicknames over
my life, and recently as we've discussed, I've been talking
(02:36):
to myself more and sometimes I will catch myself, like,
if I'm getting really down on myself, I'll say something
like stop at baby, or like I'm I'm calling myself
the names being all you're talking down to yourself. Well,
I'll get upset and then I'll try to say something
like stop at baby or like sweetheart. Sometimes I'll say
(02:59):
or darlin. Um. I do have a friend who calls
me darling and sweetheart a lot, but I have started
doing that recently. I think it's because of the massive
influx of fan fiction I have been reading though, where
those names are very prominent. Um. I even caught myself
using Syrika, which is Mandalorian Mandela the other day and
(03:21):
I was like, oh my god, wow, have you become yes?
But I did. Well. I wanted to bring this classic
BacT because, as we said, it's kind of cuffing season
and I've been telling people about all these dating terms.
I found like at the end of the year, they
were like here the dating terms, they're gonna defined two
And it was things like, well, was it anticipation, which
(03:46):
is what you don't know what to do? Like social
just stigmas out with your hands, um, while dating, and
then hesitating, which is like going back and forth whether
you want to date at all. So anyway, yeah, hesitating.
Just one to bring back this classic on a couple
speak Welcome to Stuff Mom Never told you. From House
(04:08):
top Works dot com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
I'm Christen and I'm Caroline and Caroline. First of all,
I almost forgot my name then when I was introducing myself.
It's a danger. Yeah, it's a little disconcerting, um, but
coming up with a title for this episode was almost well,
(04:32):
actually only slightly more challenging than remembering my own name. Really, yeah,
because what do you what are we talking about? Talking
about relationships speak? Couple talk? Maybe you could call it
pillow talk, but pillow talk is usually referring to post
coital chitch or just being in places with pillows. Then
(04:54):
there's baby talk, but then there's a difference between whether
your baby talking to a baby or to your romantic baby,
your significant other romantic bay. And there are pet names,
but that's a completely separate category of this conversation. I
would think that it would fall under couple speak exactly.
(05:14):
A couple speak umbrella um, So, do you have any
any catchy term for this? Um No, absolutely not. I
would just say that it's a couple of language that
it's it's the weird like coded language that you use
with your your special person, your special someone sexy, babbel sexy. Well,
(05:39):
it's not always sexy. Sometimes it's adorable adora speak. Oh,
it's rarely sexy for people who are hearing you who
are not in the couple, it's usually more along the
lines of of nauseating and cringeing dow things. Oh. Absolutely,
I mean, I I think it is whenever I overhear it.
I mean, my boyfriend and I definitely have ways that
(05:59):
we beat to each other that we don't speak to
other people. Thank God, I would hope not. Uh, but
I definitely don't want other people to overhear that necessarily.
And it's funny. When I told my boyfriend that we
were talking about relationship speak, couple speak, pet names and
stuff like that this week, he looked at me with
this mix of horror and also excitement, which is a
(06:23):
really unique facial expression. I recommend trying to elicit that
from from friends and loved ones if you have the opportunity. Uh,
He's like, you're not going to tell them how we
talk to each other, what we call each other? Are you? Yeah?
You are? I am? Well, what is it dish? I mean,
do you do to have special words or codes that
(06:44):
are safe for our listeners? Of course and for me? What? Really? Honestly, listeners,
I love you, but really I don't know if I
want the t M. I well, yeah, I'm just gonna
go ahead and dive in. And I don't think he's
going to listen to this episode because I think he
is already like preemptively horrified that I might talk about it.
But uh, okay, I guess I should preface this by
(07:08):
saying things. We don't call each other, so we don't
say boo or bay. He is like strongly opposed to
using the term boo. Okay, so far we are totally opposites. Continue, Well, no,
I did date a guy right after college and we
called each other boo. But that's the only person that
I've ever done that with. But he was also a ghost. Yeah,
(07:30):
I was real awkward when you tried to snuggle. But
now my boyfriend and I call each other either. We
just refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Like, hey,
boyfriend came here, or we call each other listeners. Can
you feel me blushing? We call each other boyfriend dog
and girlfriend dog because early on in our relationship he
(07:52):
like jumped on the couch when I was using my
laptop and I was like, god, you're like a big
puppy sometime and he said, yeah, like I'm a I'm
a boyfriend dog. So that became a thing. How does
it feel publicizing this information, Caroline, I don't know how
red am I right now? You're a pretty solid shade
of pink. Maybe it's just warm in here. Well, listen,
(08:16):
I am in the opposite camp. My fiance and I
are all about some boo and babe, and to the
point that our friends will sometimes make fun of us
when we're all hanging out and intentionally be like, oh hi, babe,
bi yeah, And I don't care because that is just
(08:38):
how we talked to each other. And in terms of
like couples speak, we don't necessarily have like a cute
see language aside from me feeling at liberty to abbreviate
words as often as possible because it is one of
my favorite things to do when I'm just at home,
chit chat, not on the mic, you know. Uh, but
(09:01):
our couple speak is more of a shared humor brain.
So it's the thing of making the exact same joke
at the same time. Although sometimes I get a little
competitive and I'll make the joke first and then he'll
come in to split second after me, and I'm like, yes,
I made the joke first. Yeah. No, My boyfriend and
I do that all the time. We will frequently make
the same joke around the same time. We will like
(09:24):
be picking up the fan to text each other at
the same time. So we do have like a two
person hive brain. Um. But I'm imagining you only know
that because you're saying next to each other when that
happens all the time. He's actually here right now, he's
under the table. Sorry, sorry, Um. No, we we do
have We don't use baby talk because to me, I
(09:45):
find that nauseating. Uh, no judgment, um, But we do
have like a certain type of voice that we use
with each other sometimes when we're trying to be playful.
Not it's not an all the time thing, but when
we're trying to be more play full and cute with
each other, we do have a voice we use. I'm
not going to repeat it on the podcast. Sorry, I've
(10:05):
noticed my phone voice changes, especially on the telephone call
on the way home from work. Um, it goes up.
It's a little bit softer. It's the closest I get
to a baby boys. Also, though it is the same
voice I use if I'm at a restaurant and I
have to like send something back and I'm really nervous
about it, you know, it's that like hyper feminized t voice. Uh.
(10:33):
Not that I am like similarly nervous of how my
fiance will respond to me if I need something. Um,
But it is interesting to think about, you know, this
this common couple language that is unique to all couples.
But there's that common pattern of love and sex influencing
(10:55):
how we talk and the way we modulate our voices
and the words that we suddenly make up. Well, love
and sex. Yeah, but I mean, I think intimacy in general,
because you can develop languages with other intimate people in
your life, other significant others who aren't your boo, maybe
your best friend. You and your best friend have nicknames
for each other. Are ways that you speak to each other,
(11:16):
whether that's tone or just a sort of vocabulary that
maybe you don't use with other people because either you've
known this person for so long, or maybe your new
friends and you've developed a really strong bond suddenly, and
so you just speak to each other in a different
way than you speak with other people. Yeah, I mean,
it's true. My best friend and I exclusively speech German
(11:37):
through each other. No, it's true. With my one of
my best friends, we have a specific text speak that
we use um intentional misspellings of words that I really
only send to her, and it's our way of expressing
affection to each other. Like if I say I miss
(11:59):
you so much, I'm gonna spell so s e wwwwwww,
it just means something different. So it's bonding. Yeah, I
mean that. And it happens when you spend a lot
of time with someone and it's this. It's an actual
literal thing, and it's called phonetic convergence. It's basically, when
(12:21):
you're spending time with people, whether it is an intimate
partner or a best friend or even work colleagues that
you're spending a lot of time with, you can start
to mimic the way that the other person speaks, particularly
if you like both the person and what they're saying,
and this can involve accent changes or even the use
(12:42):
of different dialects. I wonder too if it extends into
gestures and body language at all. Yeah, that is what
researcher Elaine Hatfield called emotional contagion. The sort of encompasses, Well,
we're the ideas that we're already familiar with of mimicking
some on body language, their facial expressions, and it's part
(13:03):
of catching their emotion, whether that's anxiety, joy, whatever. I mean,
how often has this happened to you, where like someone
in your family or a friend or somebody at work
is like in a really bad mood or in a
really great mood, and you kind of catch it and
start mimicking, and you even feel it within you, like, oh,
I'm starting to feel a little more anxious because this
(13:24):
person is anxious or whatever the case. Maybe, and studies
have shown that the longer people are speaking with each other,
the more they'll match speaking rate, frequency, and vocal intensity,
which a're just imagining two people gradually yelling at each other.
That happens. So I feel like I've been in that conversation.
(13:44):
All the booze might have been involved booze like drinking booze?
Or are multiple boyfriends? Good question? And I mean the alcohol. Um.
And also this exclusivity develops the longer that you kind
of develop that conversational rapport with a person. This is
probably why we can't have long, extended, in depth conversations
(14:07):
with good friends of ours if you're in a noisy bar,
for instance. Um and then finally says it found that
you will align description schemes and sentence structures where such
robots in a way, we're adorable, meaty, squishy robots who
can't help but mimic other people's speech, but also their
(14:29):
posture and body language and facial expressions, all that good stuff.
So why what is going on? Uh? There was a
study in October from Language Variation and Change, that's a journal. Uh.
They found that the degree of vocal change when we're
talking to someone can be related to how much you
agree with the person. So they did this study where
(14:51):
participants listened to a politically charged diet tribe and then
had to describe a cartoon. And I think the cartoon
was of it was like a nun giving a banana
to a monk or something. No, it was a waitress
giving a banana to a monk, which is like, really
weird and absurd, But they just had the person describe
that strange cartoon. And researchers found that when the participants
(15:11):
agreed with the political rant that they had heard and
with the ideology in it, and when they seem to
respect the person speaking and their ideas, their syntax in
describing the cartoon matched the political ranters syntax. When they
didn't agree with the person, didn't respect their ideas, didn't
respect what they were saying, there wasn't much of a
language match, if at all. So in short, basically aligning
(15:36):
your speech patterns with the person you're talking to facilitates
communication and understanding. It's our way of being like, hey,
we're on the same team. I like you, I respect you.
I'm going to start to morph, even unconsciously. I'm going
to start to morph the way that I speak so
that you can understand me even better. So the way
we think about the person across from us moderates how
(15:57):
we talked to them. Eventually, yeah, um, and we see
variations among basically any group. I mean, twins Speak is
probably the best known among these. Twin Speak is officially
called crypto pH asa ps um, And it's because twins
spend a lot of time together and are on the
(16:18):
same developmental trajectory, and they have that intimacy level that
reinforces each other's speech patterns and inventions. And also, of
course twins share that same mind, twin mind. They don't
actually have twin mind, but I have twin nephews, and
I have seen this happen because they're also identical, and
(16:40):
when they get going making jokes, going on these tangents,
it's incredible how they just build on one another. Yeah,
and cryptophasa also doesn't just relate to twins speaking similarly
or kind of developing a language. It refers specifically to
like almost speech that's detrimental to the pair of twins,
(17:04):
because perhaps there's a mispronunciation or a speech impediment that
leads to this false language. For for for so long,
people have been fascinated by twins, like, oh my god,
they're developing their own language, when really it's it's less
developing their own language because they might not even understand
it as babies or toddlers or whatever, but they're just
trying to mimic each other and communicate with each other
(17:27):
on the same wavelength and crypto pH asia as opposed
to just like regular happy badly twins speak is often
times something that has to get you have to get
a speech therapist involved to try to like move the
kids on from using their own secret language. So when
we think colloquially of twins speak, it's really just siblings
(17:49):
speak or friends speak. It's anyone who hangs out and
likes each other enough, yeah, anyone enough times. Yeah, anyone
who spends like a super huge amount of dedicated intimate
time together that they developed the same sort of language
that maybe others don't even know what you're talking about,
such as roommates. There was a study in January twelve
(18:11):
and the Journal of Phonetics which looked at four sets
of male roommates and found phonetic convergence was related to
the roommates closeness and relationship quality. In Caroline. Now, I
have to ask me, did you endude roommate ended up
twin speaking a lot of times? Yeah, dude roommate and
I we definitely have our own like shorthand language with
(18:35):
each other because we've known each other since I mean,
we were roommates in college. We've known each other since
we were but college babies, um, and then we lived
together as adults too after after many years apart. But
we've definitely had a really strong friendship over the years,
and the way we speak to each other, even if
we're not using like weird words, we still have a
(18:55):
tone and a rapport with each other that's unique to
our relationship versus other people. But yeah, the study was
interesting because the they were looking specifically at sets of
roommates who didn't know each other before, so it wasn't
like they were friends and they'd already maybe developed a rapport.
They specifically wanted to look at the trajectory of like,
as these guys get to know each other and spend
a ton of unavoidable time together, what happens? And so
(19:18):
they found that the guys who had the stronger, better,
more positive relationship ended up unconsciously mimicking each other's speech patterns. So,
in the context of romantic relationships, then let's peel back
some more layers as to why it happens. Aside from
this clearly like neurological pattern of us mirroring each other,
(19:40):
I bet some mirror neurons are involved in this whole thing. Um,
But if we look at these emotionally intimate relationships, that
kind of couple language couples speak develops alongside the vulnerability
that comes with being in most you know, long term
(20:00):
romantic relationships. I mean, you have the most childlike parts
of yourself on display, hopefully not all the time, but
from time to time. And Bustle UH had a pretty
in depth piece on this and talk to your relationship
expert Wendy Walsh about it, who said, keep in mind,
(20:20):
a relationship is an exchange of care. Yes, And as
Elizabeth in the Catapult said, I don't know if anybody
else ever listened to that band they have that song
called We're All just taller children. It's true, you know.
And and this, the intimacy with your partner can really reveal,
like we said, those childlike parts of yourself that just
(20:42):
want to be taken care of. And so in this
article and Bustle they were talking about how as intimacy deepens,
you tend to move away from real life language, and
part of this is abbreviating or shortening words. Kristen Uh
for instance, using hunt instead of honey like you did
when you roe, but a wee baby Oh. I always
(21:04):
called my mom hun, could you get me a bottle?
I'm so thirsty. But also like your parents did with you,
they probably had little nicknames for you too, and so
you know, it was always developing. Child girls just used
your first your whole, your whole name, your whole full
(21:24):
Christian name. Names just didn't make it even more formal.
But research has actually shown that the use of baby
talk tends to be used less and less as time
goes on. It tends to be used early because it's
another way of developing and strengthening a bond. And that's
coming from the Kinsey Institute who did a bunch of
research into couple language. And it really comes out of
(21:48):
this whole i don't know what to call it, pattern
that was established with your parents. Generally, like if you
had a loving, safe relationship with your parents, that's the
last time you experience in these overwhelming feelings of love
and care and safety. And so that's where are use
of nicknames and pet names and and baby talk comes from.
(22:12):
And if going back again to the context of dating
relationships or marital relationships, if we pull in that physical
intimacy as well, that of course will involve some neurotransmitters
and neurochemicals being released in our brains, such as dopamine
and oxytose, and these things that make us feel good
(22:33):
make us feel bonded to the other person. So you know,
you you're just getting this three sixty recipe for intimacy
and closeness, and that is stripping away self censoring that
we would normally do, or in my case, using entire
words rather than just half of war. And it's really
(22:56):
a cycle. I mean, using this type of language with
our partners d binds the bond and creates a unique
shared identity, which then leads to creating more unique language
and more bonding. So it never stops. You're never getting
out of it. You're always going to talk like this
with your partner. Get used to it until you don't,
which will hit on in the second half of the podcast.
(23:17):
But researchers have talked about how it really reflects that
need to represent how special our attachment is, yes to
to outsiders and friends and whoever, but really to each other.
And that's something that Ian Kerner, who's a sex counselor,
told Bustle for that same article that Kristen mentioned. But
it's the same idea that you might have nicknames for
your bff two like, it's just communicating to one another
(23:39):
that your relationship is special. This is the sweetest podcast, Caroline.
I gotta say, we're just getting real presh. But so
what does secret languages mean for couples. I mean, we
keep going back and forth between different types of relationships,
but we will get more into that right after a
quick break. So if your relationship outsider, it might not
(24:11):
seem like the more, the better you know, the more
you're having to listen to other people's adorable pet names
and little baby talk back and forth or sexy babble
as I like to call it. But research in the
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships does find that the
more a couple uses nicknames, made up words, and secret
(24:33):
code requests for sex, the higher the relationship satisfaction. And
I was surprised. It means you're like living in your
own world. Yeah. Relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf was talking to
Women's Health mag By the way, I just started reading
a book of hers about how to stop fighting. Not
that not to indicate that I'm fighting all the time
with boyfriend dog, but it's always important to be armed
(24:55):
with good information about how to succeed in relationships. Anyho
turned or IF agrees that it's quantity over quality, and
she talks about how studies have found that couples who
maintain and I love this. I'm like, how did you
come up with But I'm sure there's science behind it.
I'm sure. Uh, Couples who maintain a five to one
ratio of positive to negative communications are far more likely
(25:17):
to remain happy, and she says that using nicknames and
made up language is an easy way to do that.
It's an easy way to inject positive communication into your
everyday life. I love thinking about this, though in the
real world situations of a fight or disagreement brewing and
trying to do this, you know, like five to one
ratio yourself to be like, actually, babe, you're wrong, sweetheart,
(25:42):
You're so wrong, Honey. I don't know sweetheart for me,
and I know that other people probably have this experience,
Like different words have different connotations, but to me, like,
if you say, oh, she's my sweetheart, that's that's pretty sweet.
But I have actually used sweetheart in terms of being
that's more likely to be my word when I frustrated
with you. That's a passive aggressive sweetheart sweetheart, And I
(26:05):
think it my dad does the same thing. I think
that's where I get it. My dad when he is
like super angry at my mom or me and he's
trying not to yell or whatever, he'll he'll refer to
us as sweetheart. Maybe he's just trying to maintain that
five to one. You know he knew well. I wonder
how stuff Chattervan never told you. Well. There's even a
term for all of this put forth by researchers Carol J.
(26:29):
Brewis and Judy C. Pearson in a study they put out,
they refer to a couple speak nicknames and this insider
language and relationships as idiosyncratic communication. I love all these
non romantic terms for the way we sexy babble each
other zacadamia. And they found though that this idiosyncratic communication
(26:53):
not surprisingly is associated with marital satisfaction. Couples in their
first five years of Mary Sam's kids reported using the
most idioms and I wonder parents listening if maybe once
you have kids, some of that focus on your coded
language refocuses to your new babe, little baby, your new baby. Yeah,
(27:19):
that you get to literally baby talk to Yeah, slightly
more acceptable in mixed companies. Yeah, I would think so,
because also when there's a baby around, friends and family
and whoever, are probably more likely to also baby talk
your baby. Whereas if you and your boo are sitting around,
your friends probably are going to baby talk you guys
(27:40):
from a genuine perspective. They might do it to make
fun of you. Yeah, they might not join in on
your genuine baby talk with each other. That could be weird. Yeah,
I don't. I don't know what we're going it on.
That pot look sudly. Everyone's keys are in a bowl
of the most awkward worn't Christmas party of verb. But
(28:01):
there's an article that we read in the Telegraph that
talks about how, uh, couple language not necessarily baby talk,
but couple language indicates whether you're in sync. It's really
like menstrual synchrony. No, I mean like the band, the
boy band, whether you're lands bass um and so basically,
(28:22):
the ebbs and flows of your use of couple speak
mimics the ebbs and flows of your relationship, your highs
and lows. If you stop using couple speak or you're
not using it as much one week. Does that mean
the relationships over? No? Thinking back though on my relationship,
there have been the times when we've been, you know,
hitting the valleys that you go through, and there usually
(28:44):
is an absence of the boo and the babe. I know,
and I thought about that too, and I realized that
it's the same with me, and we're in good company, Kristen.
Because University of Texas researchers looked at letters between Victorian
poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, in addition to Sylvia
Plath and Ted Hughes, and they found that both in
(29:06):
their work and in their private letters, the couple's language
styles matched, but they matched most intensely at the most
intense and positive parts of the relationship. Yeah. So for
Sylvia and Ted, who clearly had a very tumultuous relationship,
those highs and lows were reflected in the terms of
(29:27):
use and avoidance of matching language in their letters. Um
even at their high points, though they had less matching
than Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. So I mean, is
it is it was that just a sign that they
were doomed? I don't know. I's if it's a sign
that they were doomed. But I think it's a it's
a perhaps, you know, putting on my little psychologist cap,
(29:51):
not at all, it's what would that cap look like?
Would it be like a driving cap? Oh, jaunty driving cap.
I'm thinking, what about like an Amelia Earhart style aviator cap? Okay,
I'm putting on my psychologist aviator cap. And I think
it's more if you realize, if you use a little
bit of self awareness and realize, like I'm not using
(30:12):
very much like affectionate language, what's going on? It just
might be a good opportunity to step back and say, well,
are there things I'm not addressing in my relationship that
are making me feel like I want to be less affectionate?
Because I know when my boyfriend and I have hit
those valleys Christen, there is a feeling that you're less
driven to be affectionate, whether that's physical affection or verbal affection.
(30:37):
But in in great times, when everything's going swimmingly, we're
more likely to use those sweet nicknames or use our
special voices with each other than we would otherwise. So
there are some shortcuts in a way that this couple
language can offer to help this navigate through those valleys,
(30:57):
not to be confused with hidden Valley the land of
inch where you and your boyfriend and girlfriend whomever just
going to salad bars all the time. Um So, the
first shortcut to pay attention to is that you might
have code words for life events like bad days or
annoying events that let your partner know how your days
sluck without having to relive it. And this is not
(31:21):
me because I'm a I'm a real talker when it
comes to comes to tough times, and I'm just gonna
want to tell my fiance all of the details after
a period of silence, I need to quietly process and
then I'll be like cooking dinner and drinking glass of
wine because that calms me down. And you know, forty
five minutes later, I've gotten through, you know, the first
(31:42):
hour of my day recounting it well, congret you know,
I'm Studies have shown that the more you vocalize your anger,
the more it builds on itself. So perhaps that there
is something to this, you know, telling your boyfriend if
you had a bad day at work or whatever. Not
that you ever have a bad day at work, Kristen,
but you could, you know, be like, ah, it's the usual.
(32:03):
Maybe maybe your BOO would know like it's just another
day with rough stuff. Well, yeah, maybe he and I
can strategize together on some you know, some just quick
phrases that can you know, nip all of my retelling
in the bud um. But if the conflict is between
you and your s O, your significant other, there's always
(32:26):
shortcut number two, which is using that humor in a
fight as a way to resolve it, employing an inside
joke or a pet name to sort of steer you
back into relationships bill, which is challenging, sometimes depending on
the conflict and sometimes depending on what we are talking about.
(32:47):
Don't call me Bay? Don't you Bay right now? Am
I be in twenty minutes? That's that's where we get
the negative, Sweetheart, I guess, yeah, don't yeah, don't use
it like that, listen, sweetheart, because when that happens, I
think that's far more toxic. If you make the the
sick jokes, the angry, darker jokes, and use pet names sarcastically, Yeah,
(33:14):
that is toxic. That's only gonna deepen that conflict. Yeah,
it might be more of like a when the realization
starts to dawn that perhaps it's an unproductive argument or
a fight that you've had a million times. Maybe once
you start to realize that and pull yourself out of it,
you can crack an inside joke and like, hey, I'm
(33:34):
offering a hand out of this fight. Do you want
to get out of it? This is silly, Yeah, I mean,
that's one of those situations where one of you has
to have the lighter perspective on it. I mean, but
if you're both in the trenches, good luck, sweetheart. But
all of these couple researchers and intimacy experts applaud the
(33:55):
use of pet names, so hopefully they're in approval of
me saying boyfriend dog, because that's definitely a very strange
pet name. Oh yeah, I think it's a I think
any psychologist would be like, that's super healthy. You have
a unique name for the person you love. So if
you and your significant other really hit to the kids
(34:18):
speak these days, if you don't want to adopt Caroline's
boyfriend dog girlfriend dog, you could be each other's bay,
which I mean, and that also is not exclusive to
romantic relationships. I mean, I have girlfriends who are Bay
to me, um. But also when we're talking about Bay.
Even though it is new to the mainstream, it has
(34:40):
been around for longer than a hot minute. Yeah, and
I mean whatever you call your person, or maybe you
call your person person, that's also a thing that I
call my boyfriend. Uh, it's a positive thing. Author Pat
Love was telling Women's Health that pet names are an
auditory marker that identifies the relationship as exclusive as does
(35:01):
all of this couple language that we've been talking about.
And it lets your boo and everyone else know that
you're committed, and they reinforce that little mini culture that
many environment that is your relationship. Yes. Speaking to Scientific American,
Carol J. Bruis was talking about this and how if
essentially you can't laugh at yourself and be lighthearted in
(35:23):
your relationship, then that relationship is not going to sustain
itself in a lighthearted, playful kind of way over the
long term. And that and that playfulness is so necessary
I think for long term sustainability. To make myself sound
like my relationship is actually a corporation. And she says
that maybe we even value our nicknames more today because
(35:47):
everybody's always on the Twitter, you know, they're always on
the Twitter talking to each other. They're always talking to
each other. And she says that these this use of
pet names, these auditory markers, can hell create and reinforce
that two persons special intimate sphere, like if you're dealing
with the public all day long, that you get to
(36:08):
come home to your person, use special names in a
special language, and it just reinforces like we're each other's
and this is a safe, wonderful space. Well, I sort
of have the reverse with that to some extent with
my fiance, because he has appeared with me on a
number of stuff I never told you videos, and he
goes by the pseudonym professor Boyfriend. Now, of course professor Fiance,
(36:34):
which some people miss here is Professor Beyonce, which I'm
also totally fine with. UM. So it's like our our
public pet name, because I like preserving the intimacy of
our first names together and who we are as a
couple to all of our family and friends off of
(36:55):
the Internet. I don't call him professor fiance at home, um,
unless he's wearing a blate tweet lazer with elbow patches.
That never happens. And I just assumed that everybody used
pet names for each other for their significant others. It
turns out that no, it's not true. Uh. The authors
(37:15):
of The Normal Bar did a completely non randomized, non
scientific Internet survey on US participants, UH, interviewing them about
pet names, well, a couple language in general, I think,
but pet names too, and found that six of their
U S survey respondents said they used pet names in
their relationships, but among those who said they were very
(37:36):
happy in their relationship, that number shoots up to seventy.
So there you go that, yes, this is unscientific, but
that confirms everything we've been saying that the stronger and
happier you feel in your relationship, the more likely you
are to develop this sort of secret language between the
two of you to reflect your sweet feelings. And we
take that sweetness so literally in a lot of the
(37:57):
dessert related pet names that we will give each other,
which kind of subtly indicate that your person is not
just a person, but a treat the light in your life,
like putting cupcake. Um. The French have my little cabbage
or cream puff. There's a Dutch term meaning candy. In Russian,
(38:21):
your ashenka is your special little cherry. Um. I amant
a fan though of the sweet food nicknames. I I
do like my little cabbage. I'm down for that, mon
petit shoe, although Professor Fiance would probably prefer something like
my my handsome, my gallant cabbage keeps your regular. Um. No,
(38:45):
I called my my college roommate, Deepa. I called her.
We called each other putting all the time because we
we She and I lived together our senior year of
college and then worked together at the newspaper, and we
always referred to each other as how you doing puttin?
How's your day? And yeah, So I don't think I've
ever used like a sweet food term with a boyfriend. Yeah,
(39:08):
I mean there was the sugar free jello guy, but
that that clearly was doomed from the stiglers. Um. But
of course there are downsides to these pet names. Can
you talk a little bit about roommates syndrome, which is
apparently can can foster. This is I'm going to be honest,
(39:28):
this is like a deathly serious fear of mine in
any relationship is roommates syndrome. And I mean I think
I think that that's something that a lot of couples
share about, this fear of like, you know, especially maybe
if if your parents developed roommates and German. You grew
up watching that, and it's something that authors Maggie Rna
and Julian Davis talk about in arguing against the use
(39:51):
of pet names, and their argument is basically that the
minute you start calling your sweetie muffin, your relationship goes
from super hot it too friendly. And they think that's
like the worst thing that can happen, so they say
that it kills your sex life. But everything that we've
read so far, Kristen indicates that pet names and couple
(40:13):
speak ebb and flow with the strength and satisfaction of
your relationship, and then it's the relationship that dictates how
much actual couple speak you'll use. Yeah, I mean, I
think it's the type of pet names that will develop.
I mean, I can't see roommates syndrome um happening to
people who call each other muffin and cutie cake cabbage pie.
(40:39):
But if it's I'll catch this is embarrassing. But I
catch myself partially because it's our dog's name, but never
fiance and I are never buddy to each other. Hey buddy,
Hey buddy, what's up? Like it's we intentionally keep our
pet names non a tonic because we lived together too,
(41:02):
and yeah, I mean roommates syndrome. Oh yeah, it can
happen for sure, Um, and it is. I think minding
your language is a good way to guard against it.
So it's always like, hello, how does sexy cabin in kindergarten?
You are my sexy little cabins And as one of
(41:22):
the authors Arana points out, hey, we're all ego driven.
We like hearing our names, although although the use of
your real Christian name, which I say lately, often indicates
are in trouble. Yeah, it is so weird to me
sometimes to hear my fiance called me Kristen. Yeah, something
(41:45):
serious is going on? Like wait, no, I only answered
a babe, Yeah what is this? Yeah? I only if
I'm yelling across the house because I need something or
I have a question. It's always going to be boyfriend,
That's what I yell across the house, And the same
thing girlfriend and yells across the house at me and listeners.
If she needs me at work, she just yells podcaster.
(42:06):
But the thing is we have desks next to each other,
and I'm like, what are you going, colleague, cabbage colleague,
my petite petite colleague cabbage. I kind of like that,
to be honest, I think that's that's pretty sweet. Now
we need someone to to draw us as affectionate cabbage friends. Yes,
(42:30):
do we just need cabbage patch dolls? No? No, no,
Caroline's eyes just full open. Now I'm not a fan.
I had cabbage patch dolls growing up. I went to
the cabbage patch like factory. What is it called the
cabbage patch like hospital or something? Yeah, the hospital where
they like berth the cabbage patch babies. I'm no, I
(42:51):
don't need to revisit that. But cabbage cubicle mates we
can be yeah, okay, cool, Yeah, listeners, If anyone can
render us as as friendly cabbages, we'd love you forever.
Don't forget Christen's red lipstick. Well, now we want to
(43:12):
know about your secret languages that you share with significant others,
whether that is a romantic significant other or a BFF
or a family member, whoever is special to you. Does
this resonate with how you find yourself speaking to the
people you love. Let us know mom Stuff at how
stuff works dot Com is our email address. You can
(43:34):
also tweet us at mom stuff podcast or messages on
Facebook and We've got a couple of messages to share
with you right now. Alrighty, well, I have a Facebook
message here from Christine about our maternity leave episode. She says,
Hello ladies, Hello Christine. First of all, as everyone always does,
(43:56):
I must tell you that I have been a fan
for many years. You've helped me through hours of TDS
activities and help me be singled out as the person
in my circle friends who's constantly saying so, I was
listening to a podcast. She goes on to say, as
I was getting ready this morning, I was listening to
the podcast on maternity leave. I might have an interesting
perspective on this. I'm a teacher, and not just a
(44:16):
classroom teacher, but I teach theater at a school in Texas. As.
You know, everything in Texas has to be bigger than life,
and theater is no exception. The expectation for my theater
program is anywhere from three to five shows per year.
These are all rehearsed after school. Let's olf. Rehearsals are
generally three times per week and last generally two hours,
and as you get closer to the show, they are
(44:37):
more frequent and less longer. I don't have children, yet,
but with thirty right around the corner, it's on my brain.
My constant question that I'm asking myself is how can
I manage to have a child when I'm putting so
much time into my theater program. When I asked this
of other theater teachers I meet, about fifty percent say
you just make it work, and the other fifty say planning.
What they mean is this, they gave themselves approximately one
(45:00):
months to get pregnant for the year, and then would
wait until the next year if they didn't get pregnant.
Most teachers will jokingly tell you that the ideal months
to get pregnant is August. That way, when you give birth,
you won't have to come back to school, and we'll
just get to spend the whole summer with your new
bundle of joy. The terrifying aspect of this is that
I am seriously considering this. I hate that I have
to feel that I need to be pigeonholed into getting
(45:21):
pregnant during only one month of the year, but the
thought of not being able to spend those first few
weeks and months with my first child is heartbreaking. If
you read this on the podcast, please add a shout
out for all the teachers who spend so many additional
hours at school with their child in tow while they're
in daycare and mom or dad is checking their watch
because they know they need to pick them up before
six pm, and who decided to stay home because they
(45:44):
too need recognition. Well thanks Christeve, Well I've got to
let her here. From Samantha also about our maternity leave episode,
and she writes the maternity leave topic struck home for
me for a few reasons, the first one being that
you didn't discuss help pregnant seat in the lack of
maternity leave can affect students. I had my daughter my
(46:04):
second senior year in college. I knew I wouldn't get
any time off classes and that as soon as I graduated,
I'd have to start working, so he planned the pregnant
seat for my Christmas break. I carried her with little
complication for entirely full spring, summer, and false semesters. Due
to medical reasons, I was induced two days after my
final exams ended. This gave me around two weeks before
(46:25):
returning to classes. My spring wasn't dandy, however, as I
had several medical complications resulting in numerous doctors visits and surgeries,
which meant missing classes and having to self teach some
of my senior classes. It also meant pumping breast milk
once or twice a day in my car with shades
up when I could go, and working off very little sleep.
But that's another story. I managed through all that to
(46:46):
graduate in May with my degrees in engineering and philosophy,
but wish it could have been made easier and maybe
some complications avoided by getting to take some time off.
My work is an entirely different story. I worked closely
with the welding industry, and due to environmental hazards, would
have to stop doing my job over health concerns for
the baby. I guess I would have to change to
(47:07):
an inside office job unrelated to my degree or training,
or leave and hope there's a job there when I'm
ready to return. This is about all I can imagine,
since I'm the only woman in the entire company in
the boys club of getting to go to industrial sites,
so there's a lot of concern that I fit into
the idea of a younger employee, which is typically male
and doesn't take leave when a child is born. The
(47:28):
few women that I know have returned after giving birth,
took maybe two weeks and had zero complications. My company
isn't cruel by any means, and they really support family,
especially in times of need, which we've experienced, but the
environment is lean and one of the no free lunch
when it comes to getting the job done. This is
a small part of why my husband and I decided
to stop with our daughter and not have another child.
(47:52):
So thanks for that insight, Samantha, and thanks to everyone
who's written into us mom. Stuff at al safwork dot
com is where you can send your emails and for
links all of our social media as well as all
of our blogs, videos and podcasts, including this one with
links to our sources. So you can learn more about
the psychology of couple speak. Head on over to stuff
(48:12):
Mom Never Told You dot com for moralness and thousands
of other topics. Does it How stuff works dot com
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