October 20, 2017 • 45 mins
Almost 70% of millennial women have experienced financial abuse. In today’s episode, E&B interview financial educator Tonya Rapley to break down the importance of the f*** off fund.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Emily, and this is Bridge, and you're
listening to stuff Mom never told you. Today, we're tackling
a really important topic that is timely considering that October
(00:25):
is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we want to
look at the issue of domestic violence from a lens
that doesn't often get talked about, and that is the
component of financial abuse and the critical importance of really
all of us having what has been deemed a fund Now.
(00:47):
I know we hear a lot about domestic violence in
the media, but I don't feel like we hear that
much about financial abuse. So what exactly is financial abuse exactly?
It's underrepresented, despite the fact that research indicates that financial
abuse is experienced a nine percent of abusive relationships, and
surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to
(01:08):
provide financially for themselves or their children is a huge
barrier to leaving an abusive relationship. So financial abuse is
really a common tactic used by abusers to gain power
and control in a relationship. This can come in many
different forms, whether they're subtle or overt, things like limiting
a partner's access to assets or concealing information and accessibility
(01:32):
regarding the family finances. Financial abuse almost always appears in
conjunction with other forms of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse,
manipulation and intimidation, And honestly, for me personally, when I
was in a really abusive relationship in my early twenties,
just the fact that I was pressured into repeatedly signing
(01:53):
leases for apartments that I could not afford was a
sort of subtle form of financial abuse that was part
of the control mechanism that was very prevalent. And when
I did finally leave that relationship, um, my former partner
made it impossible for me to sub let out my
half of our two bedroom apartment and basically left me
(02:15):
semi homeless for close to six months, um crashing on
couches and thanks to the very good will of some
people who helped me rescue myself during that time in
my life, and left me with six grand in credit
card debt. Dang. Well, I mean it really, it really
goes to show that it's about control. It's a way
(02:35):
of using finances and limiting your abilities and your freedoms
through money exactly. So let's talk a little bit more
about what financial abuse can look like. According to the
National Network to in Domestic violence. You or someone that
you know might be in a relationship that has some
aspects of financial abuse if it looks like this. They
control how all your family's money is spent and lashes
(02:58):
out with verbal and or physical aggression when questioned. They
deny you access to joint accounts or has accounts titled
in their name only. They sabotage your work and employment
opportunities by stalking or harassing you. This is stuff like
making it so that you can't hold down a job
or really even get a stable situation for yourself by
you know, just not letting you work and even shaming
(03:19):
you for daring to work, and have you know, questioning
your motives for any kind of financial independence. And this
was so perfectly illustrated in the show Big Little Lies,
which is one of the most riveting sort of depictions
of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse. Uh, and how
Nicole Kidman's character was shamed out of practicing law because
(03:41):
it was sort of questioned, why would you need money
of your own? And yeah, you can really see how
the hallmark of this kind of abuse is making it
so you can't just be a stable, independent person on
your own. You can't spend money the way that you want,
You can't earn money the way that you want. Someone
else is really in control of how money is being
brought in to your life and spent and just making
(04:02):
it harder for you to be financially free. Just constraining
your own financial situation is a form of control over
someone else, and it is a form of abuse. Another
hallmark of financial abuse that I found kind of scary
and really really telling is that your partner opens up
credit card accounts in your name without your permission or knowledge.
And I mean the idea of going to run a
(04:23):
credit check when you buy a car or get an
apartment and finding out that you have all of these
accounts in your name that you had no idea about
that is terrifying. It sounds like straight up fraud, you
know what I mean. It's just it's it's like a
step beyond abuse, and it can stick with you and
ruin your credit for your lifetime. Now, what was shocking
is a new study that came out in June from
(04:45):
scent Side, the online financial wellness community, found that millennials
in particular, and millennial women in particular report higher levels
of financial abuse in their relationships. Almost two thirds of
millennials surveyed reported that a romantic partner used money to
manipulate or gain power and control in their relationship, and
(05:09):
sixty of women surveyed reported experiencing behavior from their partners
that would constitute as financial abuse. And when you compare
that to facts from the Purple Purse Foundation, a nonprofit
advocacy group that provides resources for victims of domestic violence,
they say that only eight percent of the general population
(05:31):
reports being victims of financial abuse. Eight percent of the
general population, sixty percent of millennials, and almost seventy percent
of millennial women. I almost wonder if it's one of
those things where the symptoms are less visible, where you
don't know what someone else's finances look like, so you know,
it's easier to maybe tell when someone is being abused
in another kind of way. But your finances, we've suld
(05:52):
have been taught to not talk about them, and this
would be very hush hush, and if someone is experiencing
financial abuse, it might not always be so obvious. I'm
so glad you said that, Bridget, because the sense I
survey from this year, the numbers reporting financial abuse actually
doubled than the year prior because the year prior they
didn't ask them about symptoms of financial abuse, like has
(06:13):
your partner ever used money to coerce you into making
decisions you didn't want to make? Or has your partner
ever taken out a credit card in your name without
your permission or consent, Whereas the year prior they just asked,
is financial abuse prevalent or present rather in your relationship?
So when we break down the symptoms of financial abuse,
(06:34):
reporting goes up. So another component of this that makes
it even more complicated, it's this idea of financial infidelity,
which I have to admit I had never heard of.
Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in a couple with
combined finances lies to another about money, such as hiding
that in a secret account. Right. So, I think one
of the big challenges in relationships is, and this is
(06:57):
something I have not figured out with Brad the Boo,
when do you and to what extent do you combine finances?
Which I feel like we have to have a financial
expert on to help us untangle that one. But this
idea of coming into a relationship you kind of need
to know what resources and what debts people are bringing
to the table. And financial infidelity is this idea that
(07:18):
you're secretly spending or secretly saving and that you're not
fully transparent with one another. But I think it's more
about the spending. I don't know that I would necessarily
feel the need to tell of romantic partner that I'm
secretly supporting money. That's I mean. And I think just
even thinking about this, another way that it's so complicated
is that we are tough to not talk about our finances,
(07:39):
and so I could see someone not being upfront about
the debt they've accrued because they're ashamed of it. I'm
not sharing it with their partner exactly. In fact, sixty
percent of millennials said that a romantic partner had either
lied about money or hid money or debt from them.
And when we actually talk about a fund, we're talking
about secret money. We're talking about all women like to
(08:00):
avoid being financially dependent or finding yourself an abusive relationship.
The whole concept of a fund is saving your own
money to be your own savior if and when you
need it. So let's break down what a fund really is.
The term fund was coined by author Paul Lett Perhatch,
(08:24):
who wrote this incredibly real, scary story for the bill
Fold that describes two scenarios. In one scenario, you graduate college,
you finally get a job, you're in a relationship, and
you start spending money to keep up this appearance that
you want people to believe, which is, I'm a real
woman with a real job. I've got money, now, I've
(08:47):
got a car. Now, I'm you know, buying real furniture
for my keya now as real as that can be.
And despite the fact that you've got significant college loans
that you're paying off, you really want to spend because
it's the first time in your life you've got to
study income. And then she describes the situation that was
almost too real to read because it made me feel
extremely anxious, which includes, Oh, that internship didn't really turn
(09:11):
into the full time job you thought it was going to. Oh,
you can live with your boyfriend for a couple of
months and he'll cover the rent for you. So when
he says something nasty to you, you know that starts
to sound very controlling and wondering why you're hanging out
with this colleague of yours, or starting to you know,
sound like a paranoid, controlling, semi abusive partner. You wave
(09:33):
it off because you look past it, because you're literally thinking,
this is just a bad fight we're having. I can't
afford rent on a new place all my own, much
less a security deposit, and to get out. And then
it just spirals out of control to the point where
your boss makes a pass at you, but you can't
leave the job, or your relationship becomes truly abusive and
(09:55):
you can't afford to leave. Well, what I think it
demonstrates is the way that these things can often be
slippery slopes where first at the nasty comment and you're thinking, oh, well,
I gotta I'm gonna brush it off before you know
it at all kind of snowballs until you're really, really
in a situation where you don't have a lot of
control exactly, and it's so easy for it to happen.
It can happen to anybody. She describes a second scenario
(10:18):
in which you graduate from college, you're starting to make
real money for the first time in your life, and
instead you choose to continue living like a poor student.
You choose the refurbished table that you found on this
curb instead of the ikea coffee table, you choose to
keep the crappy car whose bumper is basically falling off.
And when your boyfriend says something rude to you, you
(10:39):
tell him you do that again, and I'm out of
here and he believes you. Or when it becomes abusive,
or when your boss makes a pass at you, you
flip them the bird, you walk out the door, and
you can afford to walk away from those situations. Well, again,
that just shows how financial independence and financial freedom really
can dictate how we choose to show up at our
(11:00):
amantic relationships. You would think of them as being separate,
that your finances and your romantic and your domestic are
all kind of separate buckets, but they're all intermingled, and
you know, how you're doing financially can really determine whether
you can walk out of that you know, abusive relationship,
or whether you can flip off that boss who just
want to pass at you. And it's a really scary
(11:20):
realization of the need for a fund in those very
dire situations that you can't really see coming, when held
up against the reality that most Americans have less than
one thousand dollars in savings and a majority of Americans
have reported not being able to cover a four unexpected
expense when it comes up. And again, I mean, how
(11:42):
many people out there are one, you know, slip and
fall away from complete financial ruin and terrifying exactly. And
when you couple that with domestic violence, it puts women
and especially women of color in a very scary situation
in and when you look at the numbers large in America,
(12:03):
you really start to see that we do have a
racial wealth gap. Basically, the racial wealth gap in this
country looks like Black and Latino families having a lot
less than their white counterparts. But if you look at
the numbers, right, I mean, these are gaps in wealth
and assets that have been perpetuated historically that have not
gone away despite the rising black elite in this country
(12:25):
and new black wealth in this country that pales in
comparison to the numbers across the board. A typical black household,
according to the US Census Bureau, has only six percent
of the wealth of the typical white household. Let that
sink in. The typical Latino household has just eight percent.
(12:46):
In absolute terms, the median white household had one hundred
eleven thousand, one hundred forty six and wealthholdings compared to
seven thousand, one thirteen for the median Black household and
eight thousand, three hundred forty eight the median Latino household.
And these figures all come from the US Census Bureau.
I mean, when you think about family wealth too, that
(13:07):
sometimes not money in the bank. These could be things
like property, homeownership, all of those things that are typical
historical access to a middle class, stable lifestyle, which if
you are in a dire situation and you need to
off from a bad job or a toxic relationship or
an abusive situation, having even non liquid assets that you
(13:29):
can rely on puts you at an advantage, makes your
livelihood more stable. And so when we talk about this
with an intersectional lens, we have to acknowledge the impact
that race has, not just gender, in really looking at
who's at risk when it comes to financial abuse. Yeah,
and I think it's it's tempting to look at these
numbers and say, like, oh, people of color just you know,
(13:50):
for whatever reason, they have less access to wealth. But actually,
if you look back at our our country's history of
bad and racist policy, it's really policy choice says that
have really had lasting impact on why people of color
have less generational wealth than their white counterparts today, and
things like the g I Bill allowing for white service
members to afford college and not black service members, things
(14:12):
like white people having access to home ownership programs that
people of colors did not have access to. You may
think these are small things, but they've had lasting and
reverberating consequences throughout history, including today. And I think when
you apply that to financial abuse, what you really see
is Latino women, black women having less control over their
finances and their white counterparts exactly. And in one bad relationship,
(14:35):
one slip up with a credit situation or one moment
of becoming victimized by an abuser can be the last
straw to break the camels back. Yeah, one bad boyfriend
taking out a credit card in your name without telling
you can really be financial routin. And I think when
you look at it from that systemic lens bridget we
can acknowledge that having a FUF fund and zealously hoarding
(15:01):
and saving money wherever and whenever you can in case
you do need to escape a bad situation is good advice,
but it's not equally accessible to all people, so we
have to acknowledge that it is imperfect even as a
solution to this problem. Anna Merlin of Jezebel really unpacks
this in a very compelling way. She talks about per
(15:23):
hatches advice in that original piece in the bill fold,
which I highly recommend everyone read as financial self defense. However,
she also acknowledges the privilege involved in being able to
make that kind of a move. She says, quote, her
scenario presumes you're gainfully employed, making enough to cover expenses
(15:44):
with even a slim margin left over, and those are
all pretty big ifs one and all, and out of
reach for the forty five million Americans living below the
poverty line and quietly drowning amid the failed experiment of
late stage capital is um. I think she nails it really,
highlighting that this isn't really something that everybody can do
(16:06):
when you look at the reality. So some people who
are in really tough situations, maybe they don't even have
the opportunity to put away a little bit each month. So,
in a piece for Salon, perhaps actually breaks down her
experience with building up off fund um. She talks about
when she was thirty three, she was living in Seattle.
She was going through a really financially tough time and
ended up having to move back in with her mother.
(16:26):
It was listening to Dave Ramsey's podcast and through some
creative uses of Excel spreadsheets that she really sort of
got her off fund on track. Another sort of interesting
aspect of how she developed this was accountability. She would
blog about this occasionally and told just a handful of
people that she was going on this financial journey to
save money. And I think it was just one reader,
(16:47):
like the mom of a friend who would read the
blog occasionally, but even that one reader was enough for
her to have that accountability in terms of the financial
choices that she was making. Yeah, And I think it
just highlights that even though having a off fund is imperative,
and I would encourage everyone listening to do everything they
can to put whatever money away that you can for
(17:10):
the potential emergency that might come up. Even moving home
with your mom at thirty three is not an option
for everyone. Yeah, not everybody has that support system that
everybody has a parent they can live with or a relative.
Not everybody has someone who's going to read their blog
every week to make sure they're keeping their financial goals well.
When we come back from this quick break, we're going
to talk to a woman who did just that, and
(17:31):
who found her way out of not only an abusive relationship,
but out of financial instability through her own method of
accountability and how she's made it possible for others to
do the same. We'll be right back after a quick
word from our sponsors, and we're back and now to
(17:55):
talk through some of the ways that women can protect
themselves from financially be us and also be the boss
of your own bank account. Really is our good friend
and financial educator, the creator behind my fab Finance, Tanya
Rapidly is here in studio with us. Welcome Tania, Hello,
thank you for having me. This is so exciting. I know,
(18:16):
we're so glad to have you here. We're crashing your pad.
Really we're in l A. So this is your These
are your digs, yeah snewish digs. Like just moved here
from New York. After being in New York for nine years.
I still feel like I am acclimating myself and kind
of reclaiming my piece after living in New York for
nine years. Are you an l A girl or a
(18:36):
New York girl at heart. I am a Southern girl
at heart from North Carolina. Had Charlotte. Oh my grandma
listen to Charlotte shout out to Mecklenburg County Esburg. Yeah,
so I'm from Charlotte. And it's funny how my first
couple of years in New York, I was like, I'm
a New Yorker, and then after I got over New York,
I was like, actually, I'm definitely not a New Yorker.
(18:57):
I'm a Southern and so I'm like a Southern New
York hybrid in l A. Well, I love it because
we've got listeners all over the world too. Are gonna
be excited to hear your story. Yes, and I'm a
citizen of the world. Yeah. So we tell me more
about those early years in New York for you, because
that's really when the inspiration from my fab finance came about. Um,
(19:22):
the early years in New York, I would say kind
of started from the early the years in Miami. So
I went to college in Miami, Florida, and thank god
I graduated because I had so much fun in Colm.
I was gonna say, who goes to class when you've
got Miami beach. You know, actually you went to class
on the beach, actually have classes because I studied public administration,
(19:43):
so I had classes at the Police Academy right there
on Miami Beach. And so, of course I made a
bunch of financial mistakes and relationship mistakes in Miami, because
you make mistakes in Miami, exactly. And but I lived
to tell the story. And so I ended up moving
to New York, and um, all the mistakes that I
had made while I was in college, I kind of
just swept him under the rug, like New City knew me,
(20:05):
renamed myself. I had a music blog, so with my
last name being Rapidly, everyone called me rap and so
I just had this new life and alter ego. And
during that time, I was ignoring my finances. I really
was that person who looked like she had it altogether. Um,
I had this ongoing thing with my friends who are
really smart and really brilliant. And I'm sure you ladies
(20:26):
can attest that when you're naturally intelligent or you're naturally brilliant,
that other people are impressed by your mediocrity. When you're
beating mediocre, other people are impressed. So I was kind
of just like playing mediocre in all areas of my
life and not really rising to the occasion when it
came to my finances and really pursuing my goals and
my dreams. Okay, what kinds of mistakes did you make
(20:47):
if you're willing to tell us, because I feel like
talking candidly about money mistakes you make is a good
first step. I took out a lot of debt um
my parents were really big on credit because my parents
are both in the military, and they were really big
on credit, and so I had great credit when I
moved to Miami. So that means I finance a new computer,
I finance a new car, I finance my wardrobe for
(21:07):
my first day of work. I financed my plane tickets home.
I finance my spring break. I financed my hair. Like
everything was being financing credit. I love that it's things
that you know as black women. It things like my
hair is a big deal, and I'll spend a lot
of money on my hair, right like my health it's
a big deal. Like it's this idea of wanting to
(21:28):
look like you have it all together and that being
very important sort of culturally exactly like a lot of
people culturally, they it's like, well, she doesn't look like
she's broke, it's like what she is, you know, and so, um,
those are some of the mistakes I made. And I
was actually doing really well with paying back my debts
until I got into an abusive relationship when I was
in college, and that was my last year in college. Um,
(21:49):
and it was an emotionally, physically financially abusive relationship, and
so at towards the middle and end of the relationship,
I found myself being the only person who was working,
and so as a result, I was the only person
paying the bills and my other financial obligations, and the
bills that I had accrued prior to that relationship ended
up going unmet because all the money that I had
(22:11):
was going towards supporting the both of us, I mean,
buying groceries, paying the rent for a two bedroom apartment,
I had my car payment, and I just fell behind.
I wasn't saving any money, um, and it just got
out of hand to where he knew I had good credit.
So then he took advantage of that and started doing
these scams on eBay with my account. Actually it took
me maybe I think seven years after or after that
(22:34):
relationship to pay off all the debt to PayPal so
that I could use PayPal for my fab finance. And
so there were just a host of mistakes and then
I ended up leaving that relationship. But for me, moving
on meant not dealing, and so I just swept everything
under the rug, moved to New York, and I didn't
really address that until two thousand and twelve, and that's
(22:55):
when I realized that, hey, Tangy, you want your own place.
Eventually your credit sucks. This is like you weren't used
to be like this. Um, you used to get your
financial life together, or you're going to retire and eat
cat food and work it the grocery store. Was there
a moment for you? Was it the apartment or was
there some crystallizing moment where you said, gee, I gotta
get this together and just stop keeping us under the
(23:15):
rug or you that made you act. There were a
couple of moments, but they were too in particular. The
first one was I had a roommate and, um, we
both have fiery personalities, and so we were getting in
an argument about the mail and I was upset because
I was waiting for a check and she lost the
mail key and I needed to check to see if
I had to check there because I was broke, and um,
(23:37):
it got heated to where it almost became a fist fight,
and so I wouldn't call my sister, my little sister
to kind of just talk it through. I think she's
gonna side with me, like who do she thinks she is?
Da da da da, And my sister was like, actually,
you're too grown to have roommates anyway. I was like,
they'll talk from baby sits right, Like the little siss
had her own place and I was like, well, you
(23:57):
don't live here, you live in d C. And she's
like it's expensive here too. Um, and that's when I
was just like, wait, I do why do I have roommates?
And it's like, because your credit is so bad that
you cannot afford to get your own place. And so
that was a moment for me. And then so I
started think about finance. I started thinking like, Tanya, you
only have to get it together. And then a few
(24:18):
weeks later I was working at the y w c
A in Brooklyn, and it provides low income housing for
women across the city along with programming for residents, and
one of my residents. I was leaving work and she
was begging for food and money at the subway station,
like outside of our job. And this is a woman
who was a doctor in her like before she fell.
(24:38):
She fell in hard times. And I think it doesn't
matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter what job
you have, if you don't prepare financially for your future,
this can be you, Tanya. So you need to stop
playing around and get it together, because you know, if
you're fortunate to make it to your old age, you're
going to need money. And your decisions now are going
to impact your level of comfort in your retirement. And
(24:59):
so that was I was just like, you know what,
I'm done playing around. Let me get started on this.
And my fab Finances started in January, So tell us
what is my fab finance, what does it exist for,
who does it serve? And and really what's the journey
been like for you? Yeah? I created my fab Finance
to help millennial women own their power and take control
of their finances. The mission of my fab Finances to
(25:21):
help millennials break the cycle of living paycheck to paycheck
so they can do more of what they love. And
I'm really big on the what they love portion, because
I know people who are financially secure, but they're still miserable,
Like they don't know what their passion is, they don't
know what their purposes. And so I really wanted to
home throw that in there because I think so many
people are like, become financially free, but for what what
does that mean? What does it allow me to do?
(25:43):
And so that's why I created my fab finance, and um,
I'm really big on accountability for my fab finance. So
while a lot of people create a lot of free
bees and everything, like, for me is I create freebes,
but I also need you to meet me halfway. So
I have monthly master classes, I have courses that I teach.
I do a lot of speaking and so forth, because
I I've done a lot of stuff for free, and
I realized that people don't value stuff as much when
(26:04):
it's given to them versus when they invested. Right that
you're running a business, Yeah, as a business owner, I
can respect that, Like you've got to prove yourself as
valuable to people, but you're also running a business that
is a value financially effective. Fifteen i'd been a full
time entrepreneur September actually, which I celebrated by going to
Beyonce concert. I love that. And you like to say
(26:26):
I've heard you like to say that you were your
first client? Is that right? I was. I learned by doing,
and so I have a bachelor's in public administration and
a master's Urban policy administration, totally non finance related. And
so when I was getting started, I started because I
was too broke, like teaching myself, because I was too
broke to pay somebody else, Like that was why I
(26:47):
couldn't afford everybody else's consultation. Feat I was like, time,
you gotta figure this out. You like researching, figure it out.
And I was like, this is not that hard, and
they're charging people for this. Let me just create a
platform to teach other people how to do it. And
that's what it started out as, this blog to just
share the methods that I was learning and what was working,
what wasn't working for me, what was sabotaging my budget, etcetera.
And then it started to grow because people like, we
need a little more. I don't know where to get started,
(27:09):
and so my Gemini mind was like, I don't know,
like start um. But then it did force me to
become more structured and how I delivered financial education, and
that's what I realized. I wanted to go back and
become a certified financial education instructor so that I could
help people who needed help along their journey because he
just saw my finances are a mess. What I do
from here and really helping people tease out, well, this
(27:32):
is where you should start based on where you want
to go. Is is a skill set that you develop
over a time of working with people and understanding how
to help them reach their goals. And so but I
was the first client. I was my my test baby
and it worked. And then my now husband became my
client and he's doing exceptionally well now um and uh.
And then my sister became my client. And then once
(27:53):
I tested it all out, and then I was like,
I think I know what I'm doing. Let me help
other people. Yeah. But I love so much about what
you just said. It's this idea that I think that
when we go into something like this, it can be
tempting to think it's magic, there's some magic solution, or
it's super super complicated and you need to be a
genius to figure this out. But I just love that
you're giving people this gift of saying no, it's not magic.
(28:14):
You don't have to be some you know genius, you
know to to to really get this under control and
navigate it. You really empower people to feel like this
is something they can get a handle on. And I
know for a lot of folks, myself included, maybe your
finances can be scary and something that produces a lot
of anxiety, something that you just want to hide from.
But giving people that that power to say no, you
(28:35):
can get a handle on this, we can we can
work together on this and get you through this and
really make you successful, I think that's so amazing. Yeah,
and I think that the financial industry can, to an
extent to people a disservice because I think as a
society we like to lead with people's accomplishments and our
academic accomplishments, and that um discourages people who feel like
they don't align with those level that level of success.
(28:57):
So they're like, oh, well, I didn't go to an
Ivy League institution and this isn't for me, or I
didn't you know, I didn't even go to college. This
isn't for me, Like my parents dropped out of college.
I'm like first generation, and they think that that has
to be their story without realizing that when it comes
to finance and so forth, it's all about your discipline
and anyone And I don't want to sound like that.
You know, if you just pull your your bootstraps up,
(29:18):
anyone can have a chance, because I do recommend recognize
that their systematic oppression UM and forces at play that
affects all of our lives. But also in the same sense,
there's so many resources available to people online when it
comes to financial education. UM, you don't have to be special,
you just have to be committed. And let's hear more
from Tania. After a quick break and we're back, Let's
(29:47):
get right back to Tania. What I love about your
impact in a space, though, is that there's not a
lot of financial educators out there who take the approach
and bring the values in the perspective that you brought
to my fab Finance, at least when you started it.
I feel like that space is diversifying in a lot
of ways. But one of my favorite things about what
(30:07):
you've said is, you know, you don't have to give
up the dream of living in a major metropolitan area
to go be financially responsible. We're talking to millennials as though,
like we're being selfish for trying to chase our ambition
and that makes us financially irresponsible. What's your approach on that,
and like, what what do you think your unique viewpoint
or perspectives or experiences have added to the financial education conversation. Absolutely,
(30:32):
I'm happy you touched on that because when I got
started and I was reading, everybody's story was like, Oh,
I live in Nebraska, or I live in Oklahoma, or
I live in Ohio, and it's like, that's just not
where I live. I live in New York City, which
is one of the most expensive places in the country.
And I don't feel like I should be penalized, um
for my desire to live in a place that I
feel like round me out culturally and professionally. And there
(30:56):
were a lot of financial educators who lived in larger
metropolitan areas that live where the cost of living was
unbearable or unaffordable, and I wanted to create a lane
for people who lived in those areas to understand, like,
I know, moving is at an option for you because
the best job options are likely here in these larger cities,
and so this is how you become financially free, given
that your rent is like seventy percent of your income,
(31:18):
and you know happy hour, going to happy hour like
drinks out like a drink is gonna average you twelve
dollars a drink. That's some people's reality. And I think
that it's important when it comes to financial education for
people to be able to um see themselves and the
different educators available. And that was my goal WASP, to
diversify the space. I have a big afro. I like clothes.
I'm not a frugal mommy. Like I I like shopping,
(31:41):
and I'm not ashamed to say that, you know, and
I'm not a minimalist. And I think that it's important
for people who don't identify with that lifestyle to have
someone who's like, I'm not that, but I'm still financially
responsible and you can be too. I just like cheering
what you're saying. I think that it's really about meeting
folks where they're at. If you told somebody like me
or somebody like you, if you don't live a very
frugal lifestyle in a place with a very low cost
(32:03):
of living, you don't you know, you're not serious about
your finances, You're not serious about getting your life together,
You're not serious about navigating your your financial situation. And
that's not true, and I feel like it's not fair.
It's not fair to ask people to sacrifice where they
might feel culturally the most comfortable, to move from that,
or move from family, or move from where they feel
like there's job opportunities. Right, Like I've worked in politics.
(32:24):
If you told me to move from d C, you're
basically telling me to go back to school and get
a new career. So that wouldn't make any sense for
my life. And having a financial advisor who meets me
where I'm at and understands where I'm coming from would
be so important because otherwise I just wouldn't even feel
comfortable talking about who I am and the actual choices
that I make financially. Yeah, absolutely, and yeah exactly like
(32:45):
someone who's from d C. There are other option is
to move to the capital of whatever state that is
and hope that you can get one of the coveted
government jobs, you know, And it's I think it's, like
you said, is unreasonable to ask someone, especially when they
have other aspirations. My husband works in film. When we
were can at leaving New York City, We're like, Okay,
we can move to you know, Atlanta. It's more affordable
than Los Angeles. But there still weren't as many opportunities
(33:07):
for him. So sometimes you have to go where the
opportunities are and then use your money responsibly when you
get to that place, instead of saying, I'm going to
build my life around this farm in Indiana, which if
someone wants to do that, that's totally fine, and it's
totally awesome. But I know, given my experience, I mean,
my parents were in the military, I just know it
makes sense to feed who you are as a person.
(33:29):
And I know I would be miserable in certain settings,
and I'm very happy, and Los Angeles around lots of
people from various backgrounds. And that's the thing about financial
responsibility is that you also want to practice self care.
And so you have money and your savings account, but
you're miserable and when you go outside or go to
the grocery store, you just feel like I just can't
(33:49):
wait to leave, or you want to go home and
order my food from Amazon. Which also too much discipline
can actually backfire. Research suggests that if you cut every
indulgence out of your life, you're likely to sort of
splurge irresponsibly and instead of feeding yourself some some gold
stars or some Browning points or whatever you need, like
having a financial educator who respects your wishes. Yeah, it's
(34:13):
important because even if you're someone who's struggling financially or
not where you need to be, I'm like this, this
is probably an unpopular opinion. I believe that you still
deserve a perk every now and then or a treat
everything that it's just not realistic to say you should
eat nothing but rice and drink nothing but tap water
until the day you die, because you've made that, like,
you have not made sound financial choices I think everybody needs.
(34:34):
That's not how life works. This sounds so sad rice
and tat water. And I feel so bad because that's
such a first world Like, I mean, but some people
wish they add rice, But you're and and I think
that it is important to say that sometimes short term
sacrifice they're necessary. And so I mean, even with me
and a husband, sometimes you know, I have to say, like, babe,
(34:55):
we don't have to eat out tonight, like we we
we might not have the complete meal. I thought about
creating tonight for dinner, but we have something that I
can throw together and make some matchless go home and
not eat out. And I think it's important to sometimes
check yourself, or depending on where your situation is, you
might have to make short term sacrifices. So you might
have to move back to your hometown for a couple
(35:15):
of months until you get back on your feet financially.
But with the goal of moving back somewhere else, won't
you get back on your feet financially? Oh? Can I
make a really strange sort of segue. Um. There's this
great show called Insecure, and I don't know if you've
seen the final the final season, but something that I
found so beautiful from that show is how and spoiler
alert have you even seen it? Lisa badly wants to
(35:36):
travel and she can't afford it, and so, you know,
her cars crappy, her job is not so good, and
at the end, her friend sets up this beautiful like
in her apartment foe trip as if she's, you know,
in Morocco or something like that. And I think understanding
that we all have indulgence is that we want, but
maybe there's another way that you can sort of experience it.
Maybe a like instead of going to Morocco, maybe you
(35:57):
could have a staycation with your girlfriend and you know,
bring Morocco to her or something like that, understanding that
you don't have to splurge to still feel like you're
getting a little bit of a reward. If you're on
a budget, you have options. And I think that's the thing.
We always default to the easiest thing, and sometimes it
is easier to just go on that trip and decree
recreate the experience. But um, I mean I know that
in in Queens, New York, they have this night Bizarre
(36:19):
that you can go to, or you can go to
Flushing and they have kind of this taste of Flushing.
We can have all these foods from different Asian countries,
and so there's different things that you can do within
your area that might give you the experience um that
you're craving, but might not cost as much. And I
do want to say that I do watch Insecure. I
actually live around the corner from the dunes in bingle Wood,
(36:39):
So you need to make a trip right now. Yeah.
It's so funny because when we first were picking out
our apartment, I was like I had to get a
picture and it's so it's become a landmark when people
got in our house, like you live by the dunes, pure,
we might need to follow you home after this rehearting.
(37:00):
I love it. So I want to bring this back
to advice for the woman who's listening today and identifying
with your story from that college relationship, or who might
identify as someone who's in a relationship that has a
bit of financial abuse or financial infidelity involved, or it's
just starting like you were not too long ago to
(37:24):
face the music when it comes to your reality with
money and it feels overwhelming, it feels isolating, it feel scary.
What is a woman like that to do? Like, what
is a person facing that situation to do? What do
you think is some of the first steps that she
can take. I think that um, they're separate, so you know,
abusive situation and picking up and leaving that is different
(37:45):
from my finances have been a mess because there's so
much emotional work that goes into detaching yourself from that
relationship that's abusive. Because um, financial abuse doesn't typically happen
in a canister, usually comes along with a most own
abuse or physical reviews are both of them, and so, um,
I can only speak to my situation. And it really
(38:07):
did come down to choosing me and choosing joy and
realizing that my happiness was attached to this person who
was unstable and I could wake up ready to take
on the world, but they were having a bad day.
I was going to have a bad day, and I
didn't want to continue to give someone that power and
ultimately possibly the power of eliminating my life that my
(38:27):
parents work so hard to help support and to help
get me to the point of where I was at.
And so UM, understanding that you can always choose yourself,
because I think when you're an abusive relationship, part of
it is manipulation and isolation, and so you feel alone
and you feel like I can't leave this because I've
turned my back on everything else and I have nothing
(38:48):
if I leave this person, and you will always have something,
You will always have the opportunity to rebuild. So that's
my tip to someone who might be like, you know,
this relationship isn't healthy and I want to leave it. Um,
there's happiness on the other side of abuse. I'm a
living testament to it. And then as far as if
your finances are wreck it is stillness. So um. One
(39:09):
of my favorite books by Russell Simmons is Success through Stillness,
because I think that before you make any big decision,
you have to get still. I think most people, especially
I know myself gem being a Gemini, like, I'm like,
I need to do something. I need to fix it.
Let's start now instead of sitting down and saying, Tanya,
where are you at? Where do you want to go?
What can you do right now to get where you
want to go? And I think that's my biggest suggestion
(39:31):
to anyone who's like I need to fix my finances,
sit down, ask yourself where am I at? Where do
I want to be? Okay? Where? How do What do
I have available to me to get to where I
want to be? Even if this you just have internet access,
start researching, Um, if you have a job, start putting
money aside and savings and start creating a plan for
paying off debt. So using where you are to get
where you want to understand that you always have something
(39:52):
available to you to get where you want to go.
And then going to my fab finance dot com exact
page and uh, we have a financial checklist that is
totally free, and it helps you identify where you might
need to work on or what areas you need to
work on. So it's different things that you should have
to have a solid financial foundation. If you don't have
(40:13):
those items, these are items that you should be working on. Awesome.
So where can folks find out more? I am uniformly
branded on all social media platforms as my fab finance,
so that's Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I don't do Snapchat, UM,
but you can find me as my fab finance and
UM if you're interested in the woman behind my fab finance.
I have my own personal account Tanya t o n
(40:37):
y a dot rap le r A p l e
Y to find out what I'm up to because I'm
not just the founder of my fab finance. I'm a
hustle preneur and I have so many other interests. I'm
gluten free, like I just found out I have a
gluten allergy, so um, like just sharing the goodies that
I'm I'm from the South, so it's like figuring out
how to eat chicken and gluten free allergy like a
(40:58):
gluten allergy was and free grits. Do those exists? Polina?
I badly want to pick your brain about healthier gluten
free Southern food, like what is gluten free biscuits and
gravy looks I haven't done that yet, but back slowly,
Like I feel like when I found out I had
the gluten allergy, was like, oh my god, I'm losing
all of these options my identity, like pasta. It was
(41:21):
just like cakes. But save me from myself because now
I go places I'm like, nope, I can't eat that
cupcake and to eat yes so um so yeah. I
share all of those adventures, my travels, being entrepreneurial wife,
because that's a whole other things like making my husband
feel like he's appreciated despite that I have this other baby,
which is my brand thinking about growing our family. So
(41:42):
if you're interested in those things, Tanya dot rapidly, thank
you so much for joining us in studio. Tanya, thank
you guys for having me. I hope you found that
interview with Tanya as inspiring and motivational as I did.
But really, truly, for those who are listening right now
and are recognizing the signs and symptoms and red flags
of financial abuse or financial infidelity in your own relationship
(42:05):
or your own life, we want to make sure that,
especially during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we make clear the
many different resources available to those who are facing this
kind of abuse. The first resource you have to check
out is the National Network to End Domestic Violence. If
you go to n n E DV dot org, you'll
(42:26):
find a whole tab full of resources and ways that
you can get help right away. And I think it's
important to just highlight the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They
can be reached at one eight hundred seven nine nine
seven two three three. That's seven nine nine seven two
three three. There are also free financial resources via the
(42:46):
Purple Purse Foundation, which is powered by All State. If
you go to Purple Purse dot com, you can find
free financial tools and curriculum there that can help anybody
take steps now to take control over your financial freedom
and your life. And I know that being in a
toxic relationship can feel, as Tanya said, isolating, terrifying, and
(43:10):
without recourse. And I just want to make clear to
anybody who finds himself in that situation right now that
there are people who want to help. There are people
out there who might not even know you, who would
gladly open their doors to you if they knew that
you needed support, and that's more true today than it
(43:30):
ever has been. This truly inspiring article from NPR that
will make sure to include in the notes here made
clear to me that, unbelievably, up until the nineteen seventies,
there were no shelters for abused women in the United States. Today,
there are more than two thousand shelters and service programs.
So even if you feel like you can't leave because
(43:50):
you do not know where you or you and your
children would go, you feel isolated and cut off and
without an open door, that is not true. There are
bed is available to you. You are worthy of saving
your own life and saving your own financial future, And
even if that means having to reach out for the
help and good graces from strangers, I can tell you
(44:13):
that's exactly what happened to me. And when you are
willing to put yourself first and say without shame, I
need help, there will be an answer to that call.
Don't be afraid to choose yourself. Just like Tanya said,
it's really about choosing joy and choosing yourself and not
(44:33):
being afraid to do that. And as usual, we're policy
geeks here, so I just have to acknowledge that there
needs to be more done on the federal and state
governmental agency level to make resources like this available, because
we shouldn't all have to rely on the privilege of
having a goth fund to escape what is a dire
(44:56):
and desperate and sometimes deadly situation, which is domestic abuse. Absolutely,
I think local and state and federal governments can and
should be doing a lot lot more so. Smithy listeners,
we want to hear from you. What resources did we
miss that we should be sharing with our community online?
Make those resources known. We hope that you'll continue this
(45:17):
conversation with us online. Tell us what you thought about
Tanya's great advice, check out her website my fab finance
dot com, and let's keep this conversation going. Yeah, please
get in touch with us. We would love to hear
from you. You can find us on Instagram at stuff
mom Ever Told You, on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcasts,
and as always via email at mom Stuff at how
(45:38):
stuff works dot com.
Hey, this is Emily, and this is Bridge, and you're
listening to stuff Mom never told you. Today, we're tackling
a really important topic that is timely considering that October
(00:25):
is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we want to
look at the issue of domestic violence from a lens
that doesn't often get talked about, and that is the
component of financial abuse and the critical importance of really
all of us having what has been deemed a fund Now.
(00:47):
I know we hear a lot about domestic violence in
the media, but I don't feel like we hear that
much about financial abuse. So what exactly is financial abuse exactly?
It's underrepresented, despite the fact that research indicates that financial
abuse is experienced a nine percent of abusive relationships, and
surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to
(01:08):
provide financially for themselves or their children is a huge
barrier to leaving an abusive relationship. So financial abuse is
really a common tactic used by abusers to gain power
and control in a relationship. This can come in many
different forms, whether they're subtle or overt, things like limiting
a partner's access to assets or concealing information and accessibility
(01:32):
regarding the family finances. Financial abuse almost always appears in
conjunction with other forms of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse,
manipulation and intimidation, And honestly, for me personally, when I
was in a really abusive relationship in my early twenties,
just the fact that I was pressured into repeatedly signing
(01:53):
leases for apartments that I could not afford was a
sort of subtle form of financial abuse that was part
of the control mechanism that was very prevalent. And when
I did finally leave that relationship, um, my former partner
made it impossible for me to sub let out my
half of our two bedroom apartment and basically left me
(02:15):
semi homeless for close to six months, um crashing on
couches and thanks to the very good will of some
people who helped me rescue myself during that time in
my life, and left me with six grand in credit
card debt. Dang. Well, I mean it really, it really
goes to show that it's about control. It's a way
(02:35):
of using finances and limiting your abilities and your freedoms
through money exactly. So let's talk a little bit more
about what financial abuse can look like. According to the
National Network to in Domestic violence. You or someone that
you know might be in a relationship that has some
aspects of financial abuse if it looks like this. They
control how all your family's money is spent and lashes
(02:58):
out with verbal and or physical aggression when questioned. They
deny you access to joint accounts or has accounts titled
in their name only. They sabotage your work and employment
opportunities by stalking or harassing you. This is stuff like
making it so that you can't hold down a job
or really even get a stable situation for yourself by
you know, just not letting you work and even shaming
(03:19):
you for daring to work, and have you know, questioning
your motives for any kind of financial independence. And this
was so perfectly illustrated in the show Big Little Lies,
which is one of the most riveting sort of depictions
of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse. Uh, and how
Nicole Kidman's character was shamed out of practicing law because
(03:41):
it was sort of questioned, why would you need money
of your own? And yeah, you can really see how
the hallmark of this kind of abuse is making it
so you can't just be a stable, independent person on
your own. You can't spend money the way that you want,
You can't earn money the way that you want. Someone
else is really in control of how money is being
brought in to your life and spent and just making
(04:02):
it harder for you to be financially free. Just constraining
your own financial situation is a form of control over
someone else, and it is a form of abuse. Another
hallmark of financial abuse that I found kind of scary
and really really telling is that your partner opens up
credit card accounts in your name without your permission or knowledge.
And I mean the idea of going to run a
(04:23):
credit check when you buy a car or get an
apartment and finding out that you have all of these
accounts in your name that you had no idea about
that is terrifying. It sounds like straight up fraud, you
know what I mean. It's just it's it's like a
step beyond abuse, and it can stick with you and
ruin your credit for your lifetime. Now, what was shocking
is a new study that came out in June from
(04:45):
scent Side, the online financial wellness community, found that millennials
in particular, and millennial women in particular report higher levels
of financial abuse in their relationships. Almost two thirds of
millennials surveyed reported that a romantic partner used money to
manipulate or gain power and control in their relationship, and
(05:09):
sixty of women surveyed reported experiencing behavior from their partners
that would constitute as financial abuse. And when you compare
that to facts from the Purple Purse Foundation, a nonprofit
advocacy group that provides resources for victims of domestic violence,
they say that only eight percent of the general population
(05:31):
reports being victims of financial abuse. Eight percent of the
general population, sixty percent of millennials, and almost seventy percent
of millennial women. I almost wonder if it's one of
those things where the symptoms are less visible, where you
don't know what someone else's finances look like, so you know,
it's easier to maybe tell when someone is being abused
in another kind of way. But your finances, we've suld
(05:52):
have been taught to not talk about them, and this
would be very hush hush, and if someone is experiencing
financial abuse, it might not always be so obvious. I'm
so glad you said that, Bridget, because the sense I
survey from this year, the numbers reporting financial abuse actually
doubled than the year prior because the year prior they
didn't ask them about symptoms of financial abuse, like has
(06:13):
your partner ever used money to coerce you into making
decisions you didn't want to make? Or has your partner
ever taken out a credit card in your name without
your permission or consent, Whereas the year prior they just asked,
is financial abuse prevalent or present rather in your relationship?
So when we break down the symptoms of financial abuse,
(06:34):
reporting goes up. So another component of this that makes
it even more complicated, it's this idea of financial infidelity,
which I have to admit I had never heard of.
Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in a couple with
combined finances lies to another about money, such as hiding
that in a secret account. Right. So, I think one
of the big challenges in relationships is, and this is
(06:57):
something I have not figured out with Brad the Boo,
when do you and to what extent do you combine finances?
Which I feel like we have to have a financial
expert on to help us untangle that one. But this
idea of coming into a relationship you kind of need
to know what resources and what debts people are bringing
to the table. And financial infidelity is this idea that
(07:18):
you're secretly spending or secretly saving and that you're not
fully transparent with one another. But I think it's more
about the spending. I don't know that I would necessarily
feel the need to tell of romantic partner that I'm
secretly supporting money. That's I mean. And I think just
even thinking about this, another way that it's so complicated
is that we are tough to not talk about our finances,
(07:39):
and so I could see someone not being upfront about
the debt they've accrued because they're ashamed of it. I'm
not sharing it with their partner exactly. In fact, sixty
percent of millennials said that a romantic partner had either
lied about money or hid money or debt from them.
And when we actually talk about a fund, we're talking
about secret money. We're talking about all women like to
(08:00):
avoid being financially dependent or finding yourself an abusive relationship.
The whole concept of a fund is saving your own
money to be your own savior if and when you
need it. So let's break down what a fund really is.
The term fund was coined by author Paul Lett Perhatch,
(08:24):
who wrote this incredibly real, scary story for the bill
Fold that describes two scenarios. In one scenario, you graduate college,
you finally get a job, you're in a relationship, and
you start spending money to keep up this appearance that
you want people to believe, which is, I'm a real
woman with a real job. I've got money, now, I've
(08:47):
got a car. Now, I'm you know, buying real furniture
for my keya now as real as that can be.
And despite the fact that you've got significant college loans
that you're paying off, you really want to spend because
it's the first time in your life you've got to
study income. And then she describes the situation that was
almost too real to read because it made me feel
extremely anxious, which includes, Oh, that internship didn't really turn
(09:11):
into the full time job you thought it was going to. Oh,
you can live with your boyfriend for a couple of
months and he'll cover the rent for you. So when
he says something nasty to you, you know that starts
to sound very controlling and wondering why you're hanging out
with this colleague of yours, or starting to you know,
sound like a paranoid, controlling, semi abusive partner. You wave
(09:33):
it off because you look past it, because you're literally thinking,
this is just a bad fight we're having. I can't
afford rent on a new place all my own, much
less a security deposit, and to get out. And then
it just spirals out of control to the point where
your boss makes a pass at you, but you can't
leave the job, or your relationship becomes truly abusive and
(09:55):
you can't afford to leave. Well, what I think it
demonstrates is the way that these things can often be
slippery slopes where first at the nasty comment and you're thinking, oh, well,
I gotta I'm gonna brush it off before you know
it at all kind of snowballs until you're really, really
in a situation where you don't have a lot of
control exactly, and it's so easy for it to happen.
It can happen to anybody. She describes a second scenario
(10:18):
in which you graduate from college, you're starting to make
real money for the first time in your life, and
instead you choose to continue living like a poor student.
You choose the refurbished table that you found on this
curb instead of the ikea coffee table, you choose to
keep the crappy car whose bumper is basically falling off.
And when your boyfriend says something rude to you, you
(10:39):
tell him you do that again, and I'm out of
here and he believes you. Or when it becomes abusive,
or when your boss makes a pass at you, you
flip them the bird, you walk out the door, and
you can afford to walk away from those situations. Well, again,
that just shows how financial independence and financial freedom really
can dictate how we choose to show up at our
(11:00):
amantic relationships. You would think of them as being separate,
that your finances and your romantic and your domestic are
all kind of separate buckets, but they're all intermingled, and
you know, how you're doing financially can really determine whether
you can walk out of that you know, abusive relationship,
or whether you can flip off that boss who just
want to pass at you. And it's a really scary
(11:20):
realization of the need for a fund in those very
dire situations that you can't really see coming, when held
up against the reality that most Americans have less than
one thousand dollars in savings and a majority of Americans
have reported not being able to cover a four unexpected
expense when it comes up. And again, I mean, how
(11:42):
many people out there are one, you know, slip and
fall away from complete financial ruin and terrifying exactly. And
when you couple that with domestic violence, it puts women
and especially women of color in a very scary situation
in and when you look at the numbers large in America,
(12:03):
you really start to see that we do have a
racial wealth gap. Basically, the racial wealth gap in this
country looks like Black and Latino families having a lot
less than their white counterparts. But if you look at
the numbers, right, I mean, these are gaps in wealth
and assets that have been perpetuated historically that have not
gone away despite the rising black elite in this country
(12:25):
and new black wealth in this country that pales in
comparison to the numbers across the board. A typical black household,
according to the US Census Bureau, has only six percent
of the wealth of the typical white household. Let that
sink in. The typical Latino household has just eight percent.
(12:46):
In absolute terms, the median white household had one hundred
eleven thousand, one hundred forty six and wealthholdings compared to
seven thousand, one thirteen for the median Black household and
eight thousand, three hundred forty eight the median Latino household.
And these figures all come from the US Census Bureau.
I mean, when you think about family wealth too, that
(13:07):
sometimes not money in the bank. These could be things
like property, homeownership, all of those things that are typical
historical access to a middle class, stable lifestyle, which if
you are in a dire situation and you need to
off from a bad job or a toxic relationship or
an abusive situation, having even non liquid assets that you
(13:29):
can rely on puts you at an advantage, makes your
livelihood more stable. And so when we talk about this
with an intersectional lens, we have to acknowledge the impact
that race has, not just gender, in really looking at
who's at risk when it comes to financial abuse. Yeah,
and I think it's it's tempting to look at these
numbers and say, like, oh, people of color just you know,
(13:50):
for whatever reason, they have less access to wealth. But actually,
if you look back at our our country's history of
bad and racist policy, it's really policy choice says that
have really had lasting impact on why people of color
have less generational wealth than their white counterparts today, and
things like the g I Bill allowing for white service
members to afford college and not black service members, things
(14:12):
like white people having access to home ownership programs that
people of colors did not have access to. You may
think these are small things, but they've had lasting and
reverberating consequences throughout history, including today. And I think when
you apply that to financial abuse, what you really see
is Latino women, black women having less control over their
finances and their white counterparts exactly. And in one bad relationship,
(14:35):
one slip up with a credit situation or one moment
of becoming victimized by an abuser can be the last
straw to break the camels back. Yeah, one bad boyfriend
taking out a credit card in your name without telling
you can really be financial routin. And I think when
you look at it from that systemic lens bridget we
can acknowledge that having a FUF fund and zealously hoarding
(15:01):
and saving money wherever and whenever you can in case
you do need to escape a bad situation is good advice,
but it's not equally accessible to all people, so we
have to acknowledge that it is imperfect even as a
solution to this problem. Anna Merlin of Jezebel really unpacks
this in a very compelling way. She talks about per
(15:23):
hatches advice in that original piece in the bill fold,
which I highly recommend everyone read as financial self defense. However,
she also acknowledges the privilege involved in being able to
make that kind of a move. She says, quote, her
scenario presumes you're gainfully employed, making enough to cover expenses
(15:44):
with even a slim margin left over, and those are
all pretty big ifs one and all, and out of
reach for the forty five million Americans living below the
poverty line and quietly drowning amid the failed experiment of
late stage capital is um. I think she nails it really,
highlighting that this isn't really something that everybody can do
(16:06):
when you look at the reality. So some people who
are in really tough situations, maybe they don't even have
the opportunity to put away a little bit each month. So,
in a piece for Salon, perhaps actually breaks down her
experience with building up off fund um. She talks about
when she was thirty three, she was living in Seattle.
She was going through a really financially tough time and
ended up having to move back in with her mother.
(16:26):
It was listening to Dave Ramsey's podcast and through some
creative uses of Excel spreadsheets that she really sort of
got her off fund on track. Another sort of interesting
aspect of how she developed this was accountability. She would
blog about this occasionally and told just a handful of
people that she was going on this financial journey to
save money. And I think it was just one reader,
(16:47):
like the mom of a friend who would read the
blog occasionally, but even that one reader was enough for
her to have that accountability in terms of the financial
choices that she was making. Yeah, And I think it
just highlights that even though having a off fund is imperative,
and I would encourage everyone listening to do everything they
can to put whatever money away that you can for
(17:10):
the potential emergency that might come up. Even moving home
with your mom at thirty three is not an option
for everyone. Yeah, not everybody has that support system that
everybody has a parent they can live with or a relative.
Not everybody has someone who's going to read their blog
every week to make sure they're keeping their financial goals well.
When we come back from this quick break, we're going
to talk to a woman who did just that, and
(17:31):
who found her way out of not only an abusive relationship,
but out of financial instability through her own method of
accountability and how she's made it possible for others to
do the same. We'll be right back after a quick
word from our sponsors, and we're back and now to
(17:55):
talk through some of the ways that women can protect
themselves from financially be us and also be the boss
of your own bank account. Really is our good friend
and financial educator, the creator behind my fab Finance, Tanya
Rapidly is here in studio with us. Welcome Tania, Hello,
thank you for having me. This is so exciting. I know,
(18:16):
we're so glad to have you here. We're crashing your pad.
Really we're in l A. So this is your These
are your digs, yeah snewish digs. Like just moved here
from New York. After being in New York for nine years.
I still feel like I am acclimating myself and kind
of reclaiming my piece after living in New York for
nine years. Are you an l A girl or a
(18:36):
New York girl at heart. I am a Southern girl
at heart from North Carolina. Had Charlotte. Oh my grandma
listen to Charlotte shout out to Mecklenburg County Esburg. Yeah,
so I'm from Charlotte. And it's funny how my first
couple of years in New York, I was like, I'm
a New Yorker, and then after I got over New York,
I was like, actually, I'm definitely not a New Yorker.
(18:57):
I'm a Southern and so I'm like a Southern New
York hybrid in l A. Well, I love it because
we've got listeners all over the world too. Are gonna
be excited to hear your story. Yes, and I'm a
citizen of the world. Yeah. So we tell me more
about those early years in New York for you, because
that's really when the inspiration from my fab finance came about. Um,
(19:22):
the early years in New York, I would say kind
of started from the early the years in Miami. So
I went to college in Miami, Florida, and thank god
I graduated because I had so much fun in Colm.
I was gonna say, who goes to class when you've
got Miami beach. You know, actually you went to class
on the beach, actually have classes because I studied public administration,
(19:43):
so I had classes at the Police Academy right there
on Miami Beach. And so, of course I made a
bunch of financial mistakes and relationship mistakes in Miami, because
you make mistakes in Miami, exactly. And but I lived
to tell the story. And so I ended up moving
to New York, and um, all the mistakes that I
had made while I was in college, I kind of
just swept him under the rug, like New City knew me,
(20:05):
renamed myself. I had a music blog, so with my
last name being Rapidly, everyone called me rap and so
I just had this new life and alter ego. And
during that time, I was ignoring my finances. I really
was that person who looked like she had it altogether. Um,
I had this ongoing thing with my friends who are
really smart and really brilliant. And I'm sure you ladies
(20:26):
can attest that when you're naturally intelligent or you're naturally brilliant,
that other people are impressed by your mediocrity. When you're
beating mediocre, other people are impressed. So I was kind
of just like playing mediocre in all areas of my
life and not really rising to the occasion when it
came to my finances and really pursuing my goals and
my dreams. Okay, what kinds of mistakes did you make
(20:47):
if you're willing to tell us, because I feel like
talking candidly about money mistakes you make is a good
first step. I took out a lot of debt um
my parents were really big on credit because my parents
are both in the military, and they were really big
on credit, and so I had great credit when I
moved to Miami. So that means I finance a new computer,
I finance a new car, I finance my wardrobe for
(21:07):
my first day of work. I financed my plane tickets home.
I finance my spring break. I financed my hair. Like
everything was being financing credit. I love that it's things
that you know as black women. It things like my
hair is a big deal, and I'll spend a lot
of money on my hair, right like my health it's
a big deal. Like it's this idea of wanting to
(21:28):
look like you have it all together and that being
very important sort of culturally exactly like a lot of
people culturally, they it's like, well, she doesn't look like
she's broke, it's like what she is, you know, and so, um,
those are some of the mistakes I made. And I
was actually doing really well with paying back my debts
until I got into an abusive relationship when I was
in college, and that was my last year in college. Um,
(21:49):
and it was an emotionally, physically financially abusive relationship, and
so at towards the middle and end of the relationship,
I found myself being the only person who was working,
and so as a result, I was the only person
paying the bills and my other financial obligations, and the
bills that I had accrued prior to that relationship ended
up going unmet because all the money that I had
(22:11):
was going towards supporting the both of us, I mean,
buying groceries, paying the rent for a two bedroom apartment,
I had my car payment, and I just fell behind.
I wasn't saving any money, um, and it just got
out of hand to where he knew I had good credit.
So then he took advantage of that and started doing
these scams on eBay with my account. Actually it took
me maybe I think seven years after or after that
(22:34):
relationship to pay off all the debt to PayPal so
that I could use PayPal for my fab finance. And
so there were just a host of mistakes and then
I ended up leaving that relationship. But for me, moving
on meant not dealing, and so I just swept everything
under the rug, moved to New York, and I didn't
really address that until two thousand and twelve, and that's
(22:55):
when I realized that, hey, Tangy, you want your own place.
Eventually your credit sucks. This is like you weren't used
to be like this. Um, you used to get your
financial life together, or you're going to retire and eat
cat food and work it the grocery store. Was there
a moment for you? Was it the apartment or was
there some crystallizing moment where you said, gee, I gotta
get this together and just stop keeping us under the
(23:15):
rug or you that made you act. There were a
couple of moments, but they were too in particular. The
first one was I had a roommate and, um, we
both have fiery personalities, and so we were getting in
an argument about the mail and I was upset because
I was waiting for a check and she lost the
mail key and I needed to check to see if
I had to check there because I was broke, and um,
(23:37):
it got heated to where it almost became a fist fight,
and so I wouldn't call my sister, my little sister
to kind of just talk it through. I think she's
gonna side with me, like who do she thinks she is?
Da da da da, And my sister was like, actually,
you're too grown to have roommates anyway. I was like,
they'll talk from baby sits right, Like the little siss
had her own place and I was like, well, you
(23:57):
don't live here, you live in d C. And she's
like it's expensive here too. Um, and that's when I
was just like, wait, I do why do I have roommates?
And it's like, because your credit is so bad that
you cannot afford to get your own place. And so
that was a moment for me. And then so I
started think about finance. I started thinking like, Tanya, you
only have to get it together. And then a few
(24:18):
weeks later I was working at the y w c
A in Brooklyn, and it provides low income housing for
women across the city along with programming for residents, and
one of my residents. I was leaving work and she
was begging for food and money at the subway station,
like outside of our job. And this is a woman
who was a doctor in her like before she fell.
(24:38):
She fell in hard times. And I think it doesn't
matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter what job
you have, if you don't prepare financially for your future,
this can be you, Tanya. So you need to stop
playing around and get it together, because you know, if
you're fortunate to make it to your old age, you're
going to need money. And your decisions now are going
to impact your level of comfort in your retirement. And
(24:59):
so that was I was just like, you know what,
I'm done playing around. Let me get started on this.
And my fab Finances started in January, So tell us
what is my fab finance, what does it exist for,
who does it serve? And and really what's the journey
been like for you? Yeah? I created my fab Finance
to help millennial women own their power and take control
of their finances. The mission of my fab Finances to
(25:21):
help millennials break the cycle of living paycheck to paycheck
so they can do more of what they love. And
I'm really big on the what they love portion, because
I know people who are financially secure, but they're still miserable,
Like they don't know what their passion is, they don't
know what their purposes. And so I really wanted to
home throw that in there because I think so many
people are like, become financially free, but for what what
does that mean? What does it allow me to do?
(25:43):
And so that's why I created my fab finance, and um,
I'm really big on accountability for my fab finance. So
while a lot of people create a lot of free
bees and everything, like, for me is I create freebes,
but I also need you to meet me halfway. So
I have monthly master classes, I have courses that I teach.
I do a lot of speaking and so forth, because
I I've done a lot of stuff for free, and
I realized that people don't value stuff as much when
(26:04):
it's given to them versus when they invested. Right that
you're running a business, Yeah, as a business owner, I
can respect that, Like you've got to prove yourself as
valuable to people, but you're also running a business that
is a value financially effective. Fifteen i'd been a full
time entrepreneur September actually, which I celebrated by going to
Beyonce concert. I love that. And you like to say
(26:26):
I've heard you like to say that you were your
first client? Is that right? I was. I learned by doing,
and so I have a bachelor's in public administration and
a master's Urban policy administration, totally non finance related. And
so when I was getting started, I started because I
was too broke, like teaching myself, because I was too
broke to pay somebody else, Like that was why I
(26:47):
couldn't afford everybody else's consultation. Feat I was like, time,
you gotta figure this out. You like researching, figure it out.
And I was like, this is not that hard, and
they're charging people for this. Let me just create a
platform to teach other people how to do it. And
that's what it started out as, this blog to just
share the methods that I was learning and what was working,
what wasn't working for me, what was sabotaging my budget, etcetera.
And then it started to grow because people like, we
need a little more. I don't know where to get started,
(27:09):
and so my Gemini mind was like, I don't know,
like start um. But then it did force me to
become more structured and how I delivered financial education, and
that's what I realized. I wanted to go back and
become a certified financial education instructor so that I could
help people who needed help along their journey because he
just saw my finances are a mess. What I do
from here and really helping people tease out, well, this
(27:32):
is where you should start based on where you want
to go. Is is a skill set that you develop
over a time of working with people and understanding how
to help them reach their goals. And so but I
was the first client. I was my my test baby
and it worked. And then my now husband became my
client and he's doing exceptionally well now um and uh.
And then my sister became my client. And then once
(27:53):
I tested it all out, and then I was like,
I think I know what I'm doing. Let me help
other people. Yeah. But I love so much about what
you just said. It's this idea that I think that
when we go into something like this, it can be
tempting to think it's magic, there's some magic solution, or
it's super super complicated and you need to be a
genius to figure this out. But I just love that
you're giving people this gift of saying no, it's not magic.
(28:14):
You don't have to be some you know genius, you
know to to to really get this under control and
navigate it. You really empower people to feel like this
is something they can get a handle on. And I
know for a lot of folks, myself included, maybe your
finances can be scary and something that produces a lot
of anxiety, something that you just want to hide from.
But giving people that that power to say no, you
(28:35):
can get a handle on this, we can we can
work together on this and get you through this and
really make you successful, I think that's so amazing. Yeah,
and I think that the financial industry can, to an
extent to people a disservice because I think as a
society we like to lead with people's accomplishments and our
academic accomplishments, and that um discourages people who feel like
they don't align with those level that level of success.
(28:57):
So they're like, oh, well, I didn't go to an
Ivy League institution and this isn't for me, or I
didn't you know, I didn't even go to college. This
isn't for me, Like my parents dropped out of college.
I'm like first generation, and they think that that has
to be their story without realizing that when it comes
to finance and so forth, it's all about your discipline
and anyone And I don't want to sound like that.
You know, if you just pull your your bootstraps up,
(29:18):
anyone can have a chance, because I do recommend recognize
that their systematic oppression UM and forces at play that
affects all of our lives. But also in the same sense,
there's so many resources available to people online when it
comes to financial education. UM, you don't have to be special,
you just have to be committed. And let's hear more
from Tania. After a quick break and we're back, Let's
(29:47):
get right back to Tania. What I love about your
impact in a space, though, is that there's not a
lot of financial educators out there who take the approach
and bring the values in the perspective that you brought
to my fab Finance, at least when you started it.
I feel like that space is diversifying in a lot
of ways. But one of my favorite things about what
(30:07):
you've said is, you know, you don't have to give
up the dream of living in a major metropolitan area
to go be financially responsible. We're talking to millennials as though,
like we're being selfish for trying to chase our ambition
and that makes us financially irresponsible. What's your approach on that,
and like, what what do you think your unique viewpoint
or perspectives or experiences have added to the financial education conversation. Absolutely,
(30:32):
I'm happy you touched on that because when I got
started and I was reading, everybody's story was like, Oh,
I live in Nebraska, or I live in Oklahoma, or
I live in Ohio, and it's like, that's just not
where I live. I live in New York City, which
is one of the most expensive places in the country.
And I don't feel like I should be penalized, um
for my desire to live in a place that I
feel like round me out culturally and professionally. And there
(30:56):
were a lot of financial educators who lived in larger
metropolitan areas that live where the cost of living was
unbearable or unaffordable, and I wanted to create a lane
for people who lived in those areas to understand, like,
I know, moving is at an option for you because
the best job options are likely here in these larger cities,
and so this is how you become financially free, given
that your rent is like seventy percent of your income,
(31:18):
and you know happy hour, going to happy hour like
drinks out like a drink is gonna average you twelve
dollars a drink. That's some people's reality. And I think
that it's important when it comes to financial education for
people to be able to um see themselves and the
different educators available. And that was my goal WASP, to
diversify the space. I have a big afro. I like clothes.
I'm not a frugal mommy. Like I I like shopping,
(31:41):
and I'm not ashamed to say that, you know, and
I'm not a minimalist. And I think that it's important
for people who don't identify with that lifestyle to have
someone who's like, I'm not that, but I'm still financially
responsible and you can be too. I just like cheering
what you're saying. I think that it's really about meeting
folks where they're at. If you told somebody like me
or somebody like you, if you don't live a very
frugal lifestyle in a place with a very low cost
(32:03):
of living, you don't you know, you're not serious about
your finances, You're not serious about getting your life together,
You're not serious about navigating your your financial situation. And
that's not true, and I feel like it's not fair.
It's not fair to ask people to sacrifice where they
might feel culturally the most comfortable, to move from that,
or move from family, or move from where they feel
like there's job opportunities. Right, Like I've worked in politics.
(32:24):
If you told me to move from d C, you're
basically telling me to go back to school and get
a new career. So that wouldn't make any sense for
my life. And having a financial advisor who meets me
where I'm at and understands where I'm coming from would
be so important because otherwise I just wouldn't even feel
comfortable talking about who I am and the actual choices
that I make financially. Yeah, absolutely, and yeah exactly like
(32:45):
someone who's from d C. There are other option is
to move to the capital of whatever state that is
and hope that you can get one of the coveted
government jobs, you know, And it's I think it's, like
you said, is unreasonable to ask someone, especially when they
have other aspirations. My husband works in film. When we
were can at leaving New York City, We're like, Okay,
we can move to you know, Atlanta. It's more affordable
than Los Angeles. But there still weren't as many opportunities
(33:07):
for him. So sometimes you have to go where the
opportunities are and then use your money responsibly when you
get to that place, instead of saying, I'm going to
build my life around this farm in Indiana, which if
someone wants to do that, that's totally fine, and it's
totally awesome. But I know, given my experience, I mean,
my parents were in the military, I just know it
makes sense to feed who you are as a person.
(33:29):
And I know I would be miserable in certain settings,
and I'm very happy, and Los Angeles around lots of
people from various backgrounds. And that's the thing about financial
responsibility is that you also want to practice self care.
And so you have money and your savings account, but
you're miserable and when you go outside or go to
the grocery store, you just feel like I just can't
(33:49):
wait to leave, or you want to go home and
order my food from Amazon. Which also too much discipline
can actually backfire. Research suggests that if you cut every
indulgence out of your life, you're likely to sort of
splurge irresponsibly and instead of feeding yourself some some gold
stars or some Browning points or whatever you need, like
having a financial educator who respects your wishes. Yeah, it's
(34:13):
important because even if you're someone who's struggling financially or
not where you need to be, I'm like this, this
is probably an unpopular opinion. I believe that you still
deserve a perk every now and then or a treat
everything that it's just not realistic to say you should
eat nothing but rice and drink nothing but tap water
until the day you die, because you've made that, like,
you have not made sound financial choices I think everybody needs.
(34:34):
That's not how life works. This sounds so sad rice
and tat water. And I feel so bad because that's
such a first world Like, I mean, but some people
wish they add rice, But you're and and I think
that it is important to say that sometimes short term
sacrifice they're necessary. And so I mean, even with me
and a husband, sometimes you know, I have to say, like, babe,
(34:55):
we don't have to eat out tonight, like we we
we might not have the complete meal. I thought about
creating tonight for dinner, but we have something that I
can throw together and make some matchless go home and
not eat out. And I think it's important to sometimes
check yourself, or depending on where your situation is, you
might have to make short term sacrifices. So you might
have to move back to your hometown for a couple
(35:15):
of months until you get back on your feet financially.
But with the goal of moving back somewhere else, won't
you get back on your feet financially? Oh? Can I
make a really strange sort of segue. Um. There's this
great show called Insecure, and I don't know if you've
seen the final the final season, but something that I
found so beautiful from that show is how and spoiler
alert have you even seen it? Lisa badly wants to
(35:36):
travel and she can't afford it, and so, you know,
her cars crappy, her job is not so good, and
at the end, her friend sets up this beautiful like
in her apartment foe trip as if she's, you know,
in Morocco or something like that. And I think understanding
that we all have indulgence is that we want, but
maybe there's another way that you can sort of experience it.
Maybe a like instead of going to Morocco, maybe you
(35:57):
could have a staycation with your girlfriend and you know,
bring Morocco to her or something like that, understanding that
you don't have to splurge to still feel like you're
getting a little bit of a reward. If you're on
a budget, you have options. And I think that's the thing.
We always default to the easiest thing, and sometimes it
is easier to just go on that trip and decree
recreate the experience. But um, I mean I know that
in in Queens, New York, they have this night Bizarre
(36:19):
that you can go to, or you can go to
Flushing and they have kind of this taste of Flushing.
We can have all these foods from different Asian countries,
and so there's different things that you can do within
your area that might give you the experience um that
you're craving, but might not cost as much. And I
do want to say that I do watch Insecure. I
actually live around the corner from the dunes in bingle Wood,
(36:39):
So you need to make a trip right now. Yeah.
It's so funny because when we first were picking out
our apartment, I was like I had to get a
picture and it's so it's become a landmark when people
got in our house, like you live by the dunes, pure,
we might need to follow you home after this rehearting.
(37:00):
I love it. So I want to bring this back
to advice for the woman who's listening today and identifying
with your story from that college relationship, or who might
identify as someone who's in a relationship that has a
bit of financial abuse or financial infidelity involved, or it's
just starting like you were not too long ago to
(37:24):
face the music when it comes to your reality with
money and it feels overwhelming, it feels isolating, it feel scary.
What is a woman like that to do? Like, what
is a person facing that situation to do? What do
you think is some of the first steps that she
can take. I think that um, they're separate, so you know,
abusive situation and picking up and leaving that is different
(37:45):
from my finances have been a mess because there's so
much emotional work that goes into detaching yourself from that
relationship that's abusive. Because um, financial abuse doesn't typically happen
in a canister, usually comes along with a most own
abuse or physical reviews are both of them, and so, um,
I can only speak to my situation. And it really
(38:07):
did come down to choosing me and choosing joy and
realizing that my happiness was attached to this person who
was unstable and I could wake up ready to take
on the world, but they were having a bad day.
I was going to have a bad day, and I
didn't want to continue to give someone that power and
ultimately possibly the power of eliminating my life that my
(38:27):
parents work so hard to help support and to help
get me to the point of where I was at.
And so UM, understanding that you can always choose yourself,
because I think when you're an abusive relationship, part of
it is manipulation and isolation, and so you feel alone
and you feel like I can't leave this because I've
turned my back on everything else and I have nothing
(38:48):
if I leave this person, and you will always have something,
You will always have the opportunity to rebuild. So that's
my tip to someone who might be like, you know,
this relationship isn't healthy and I want to leave it. Um,
there's happiness on the other side of abuse. I'm a
living testament to it. And then as far as if
your finances are wreck it is stillness. So um. One
(39:09):
of my favorite books by Russell Simmons is Success through Stillness,
because I think that before you make any big decision,
you have to get still. I think most people, especially
I know myself gem being a Gemini, like, I'm like,
I need to do something. I need to fix it.
Let's start now instead of sitting down and saying, Tanya,
where are you at? Where do you want to go?
What can you do right now to get where you
want to go? And I think that's my biggest suggestion
(39:31):
to anyone who's like I need to fix my finances,
sit down, ask yourself where am I at? Where do
I want to be? Okay? Where? How do What do
I have available to me to get to where I
want to be? Even if this you just have internet access,
start researching, Um, if you have a job, start putting
money aside and savings and start creating a plan for
paying off debt. So using where you are to get
where you want to understand that you always have something
(39:52):
available to you to get where you want to go.
And then going to my fab finance dot com exact
page and uh, we have a financial checklist that is
totally free, and it helps you identify where you might
need to work on or what areas you need to
work on. So it's different things that you should have
to have a solid financial foundation. If you don't have
(40:13):
those items, these are items that you should be working on. Awesome.
So where can folks find out more? I am uniformly
branded on all social media platforms as my fab finance,
so that's Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I don't do Snapchat, UM,
but you can find me as my fab finance and
UM if you're interested in the woman behind my fab finance.
I have my own personal account Tanya t o n
(40:37):
y a dot rap le r A p l e
Y to find out what I'm up to because I'm
not just the founder of my fab finance. I'm a
hustle preneur and I have so many other interests. I'm
gluten free, like I just found out I have a
gluten allergy, so um, like just sharing the goodies that
I'm I'm from the South, so it's like figuring out
how to eat chicken and gluten free allergy like a
(40:58):
gluten allergy was and free grits. Do those exists? Polina?
I badly want to pick your brain about healthier gluten
free Southern food, like what is gluten free biscuits and
gravy looks I haven't done that yet, but back slowly,
Like I feel like when I found out I had
the gluten allergy, was like, oh my god, I'm losing
all of these options my identity, like pasta. It was
(41:21):
just like cakes. But save me from myself because now
I go places I'm like, nope, I can't eat that
cupcake and to eat yes so um so yeah. I
share all of those adventures, my travels, being entrepreneurial wife,
because that's a whole other things like making my husband
feel like he's appreciated despite that I have this other baby,
which is my brand thinking about growing our family. So
(41:42):
if you're interested in those things, Tanya dot rapidly, thank
you so much for joining us in studio. Tanya, thank
you guys for having me. I hope you found that
interview with Tanya as inspiring and motivational as I did.
But really, truly, for those who are listening right now
and are recognizing the signs and symptoms and red flags
of financial abuse or financial infidelity in your own relationship
(42:05):
or your own life, we want to make sure that,
especially during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we make clear the
many different resources available to those who are facing this
kind of abuse. The first resource you have to check
out is the National Network to End Domestic Violence. If
you go to n n E DV dot org, you'll
(42:26):
find a whole tab full of resources and ways that
you can get help right away. And I think it's
important to just highlight the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They
can be reached at one eight hundred seven nine nine
seven two three three. That's seven nine nine seven two
three three. There are also free financial resources via the
(42:46):
Purple Purse Foundation, which is powered by All State. If
you go to Purple Purse dot com, you can find
free financial tools and curriculum there that can help anybody
take steps now to take control over your financial freedom
and your life. And I know that being in a
toxic relationship can feel, as Tanya said, isolating, terrifying, and
(43:10):
without recourse. And I just want to make clear to
anybody who finds himself in that situation right now that
there are people who want to help. There are people
out there who might not even know you, who would
gladly open their doors to you if they knew that
you needed support, and that's more true today than it
(43:30):
ever has been. This truly inspiring article from NPR that
will make sure to include in the notes here made
clear to me that, unbelievably, up until the nineteen seventies,
there were no shelters for abused women in the United States. Today,
there are more than two thousand shelters and service programs.
So even if you feel like you can't leave because
(43:50):
you do not know where you or you and your
children would go, you feel isolated and cut off and
without an open door, that is not true. There are
bed is available to you. You are worthy of saving
your own life and saving your own financial future, And
even if that means having to reach out for the
help and good graces from strangers, I can tell you
(44:13):
that's exactly what happened to me. And when you are
willing to put yourself first and say without shame, I
need help, there will be an answer to that call.
Don't be afraid to choose yourself. Just like Tanya said,
it's really about choosing joy and choosing yourself and not
(44:33):
being afraid to do that. And as usual, we're policy
geeks here, so I just have to acknowledge that there
needs to be more done on the federal and state
governmental agency level to make resources like this available, because
we shouldn't all have to rely on the privilege of
having a goth fund to escape what is a dire
(44:56):
and desperate and sometimes deadly situation, which is domestic abuse. Absolutely,
I think local and state and federal governments can and
should be doing a lot lot more so. Smithy listeners,
we want to hear from you. What resources did we
miss that we should be sharing with our community online?
Make those resources known. We hope that you'll continue this
(45:17):
conversation with us online. Tell us what you thought about
Tanya's great advice, check out her website my fab finance
dot com, and let's keep this conversation going. Yeah, please
get in touch with us. We would love to hear
from you. You can find us on Instagram at stuff
mom Ever Told You, on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcasts,
and as always via email at mom Stuff at how
(45:38):
stuff works dot com.
Stuff Mom Never Told You News
Hosts And Creators
Anney Reese
Samantha McVey
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.