November 19, 2021 • 38 mins
Gather around the Friendsgiving table with SMNTY to learn more about the history of this holiday, where it comes from, why it's popular and what it has to do with women and marginalized folks.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't kind of
stuff I never told your protection of I heart radio.
So today we wanted to talk about friends giving and
where it came from and what it asked to do
(00:25):
with emotional labor, especially for women that we've talked about before.
I'm sure a lot of us are feeling it right now.
Samantha and I just kind of had a mini distress
moment before doing this, so I want to ask you, Samantha,
do you celebrate friends giving? So for a little while
we did, and I just remembered I had two different
(00:47):
ones for two very different reasons. Holidays are awful for me.
I don't love it. Um trying to get better about
it every year. I think I've told this story before.
Every year I really try, and then when it comes around,
I was like, no, I don't like it. I don't
like it. Let me just sit and alone on my couch.
And of course, just the last year with a pandemic
and coronavirus going around and then my whole family got
(01:08):
affected like real hard, so it's really easy for me
to step out of that one. But of course that
also meant we didn't do the friends giving that we
have done before. I will say I had one group
of friends who did it when I would do racing,
which is really weird because I did a couple of
half marathons where afterwards I would go and I'm like,
I'm eating pies all day because I just ran their
(01:30):
team point one mile and I can do this right, um.
And I remember celebrating with them. We did that for
a couple of years, and then that kind of fell
through because they end up having their own families and
or other traditions happened. And then I went to another
one which was beautiful and they were good friends and
they just hosted a whole feast. So my two really
(01:52):
good friends. One of them is a chef and he
kills it and makes all these things, best mac and cheese,
all of the things. And we come to there and
I usually bring in like, hey, I bought cookies. You're welcome, um,
because I just get nervous and I just get overwhelmed
with all of that. As you know you've seen me cook.
It's a it's a task. It's always delightful. I try,
(02:14):
but I really do enjoy it. I think it got
bigger and bigger for that one and so started getting
too chaotic for me, where I'm like, I have to
hang out with strangers now because friends, friends of friends
would come and then I'm like, what do we do now? Right?
But that actually quickly changed to being like secret not
secret Santa, but like the silly Santa's where you have
(02:36):
to take away gifts from each other or whatever that
that gift is. I can't remember the name of it.
But so it became that as well because it would
be in between Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we would have
meal and share the mill. But it wasn't necessarily Thanksgiving,
so was friends Giving obviously, but also geared towards Christmas.
It became that, right, right. I think I also celebrate
(03:02):
several different friends givings because I have a lot of
different friends groups that just don't interact for one reason
or the other. Usually it's just they come from different
points of my life and they don't intersect. Do you know,
I've been thinking about this and maybe we need to
do an episode, But do you isolate friend groups? Yeah?
I think you know. I'm pretty bad about it, honestly, Yeah,
(03:23):
I'm a real I get really nervous about one of
my friends don't like each other and I am I
feel that same way. But I feel like all of
my friends should be each other's friends perfectly. So I
just bring everybody together no matter what, unless it's something
specific like oh, this is a work function, so we're
gonna keep this a work function. But like if you
(03:43):
make it into my friend group, I try to mix
up all of friends, but I have several friends who
you included that keep them isolated in specific pockets, and
I find that interesting whole different conversations. I will I
will intersect the friend groups and it almost always goes okay. Um.
I have a few instances where it didn't, but I
(04:05):
just get I get some of my head about it.
I get so worried about it, and I'm always like,
what if they're mad I invited this person they don't know.
I think about it to way too much. But anyway,
so for a while I was going to like three
or four every year, and that's like a different It's
really funny to me that this holiday started out as
like a way to not be stressed and have a
relaxing one, and then, as we are wont to do
(04:28):
in America and with capitalism, it did sort of go
opted we're gonna talk all about that. I still love
friends Giving, but it it it was like, Okay, now
I've gone from like two celebrations to seven, um, and
so I celebrate. I'm going to one this Friday, hopefully
this Friday or next Friday. This Friday, because friends Giving
(04:50):
usually takes place the Friday, well, we'll talk about that.
It's it usually takes place the weekend before or after,
like two weeks after Thanksgiving. Um. But I did have
a friend group that did it. Um. They would have
their friends Giving the day after Thanksgiving, and I could
never go because like I'm still in family mode at
that point. And it was always a bummer because I
(05:15):
wanted to go. I like those friends, but they also
lived like an hour away, so it wasn't the right,
super easy thing. Well, you know Caroline previously of stuff
I've never told you. Her birthday is always the day
after Thanksgiving, and it's always like more right near Thanksgiving.
It is always such a bumber because she's like no
one's around. I can't hang with anybody, right, I know,
(05:38):
And I always do try to make an effort to
get to her party, which I feel like she usually
throws like two days later something. Yeah, she tried because
she knows that if if she wants people there, typically
she has to wait. But yeah, right, I was like,
oh man, my sister is the same way. Her birthday
is right after Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, I've had some I
have some friends that I have that issue is well, Um,
(06:01):
and I feel like a mine my main friend group
that I've had that does friends giving. Um, we've been
doing it since high school, which is actually when it
started to get really popular. But it has also become
kind of a Christmas slash Thanksgiving where we exchange gifts
and stuff like that. So that makes sense to me
easier to kind of smash it together. Right, Okay, So
(06:26):
we wanted to talk about what friends giving is some
of the history behind it. Yeah, it's pretty much what
it sounds like. Friends Giving is typically a gathering of
friends of a large meal, happened sometimes around the American
holiday of Thanksgiving, sometimes as a replacement for the holiday
usually celebrated with family. So for some it's a way
to get out of a family gathering all For others,
it's much more of a logistical choice, like maybe you're
(06:48):
setting out of the country. Um, Like I had a
lot of friends in college who you know, we're from
a different country and they're not going to fly home
or even different parts of the country, Like not everyone
can afford to do that, and other going to celebrate
this so exactly right, right right right yeah, And maybe
for whatever reason, you don't have family to celebrate with. Um.
(07:08):
For some who may live at home with their parents family,
it's a nice way to get to the house and
get some space. And I remember in high school feeling like, oh,
we're having a It felt like we were adult or
something like we're hosting. Yeah. Um. I have some friends
that do it in part because they can't drink at
family events. And you know, it's just nice to know
(07:30):
that you're generally aligned culturally, politically, socially with the other attendees,
which might not be the case with your family, my family,
which is also why I don't want to go home,
but I must and I do. I know. I am
very honest and open. I love my family, I really do.
And as a child I did enjoy the Thanksgiving thing.
(07:54):
It made me feel homey, it made me feel nice.
We had some little traditions. Um was when I started
getting older, I was like, oh, this is getting bad.
This is the conversation is getting bad. We are really
awkward with each other because it's obviously that we're growing
apart and I'm starting to have my own ideals and
it's not aligning with yours. And this is getting uglier because, uh,
(08:14):
one of my brothers is really really good at just
needling just enough, but my mom says does the he's
just joking, but also gets really uncomfortable and tells him
to stop. So both of those things. Recently had a
couple of blow up with the families where I don't
have any We've never outright had a conflict before, and
(08:36):
then all of a sudden it's been kind of between
me and my mom because I probably shared the most
with her. I don't talk directly to my siblings and
I'm not close to them. So yeah, this is absolutely
me um. And the first time I was able to
like not go home and I actually visited friends in Baltimore,
it was amazing and I wish I could do. How
do I do this every year? Right? Right? I know?
(09:00):
For me, like growing up, we would go my mom's
side of the family, like all of her siblings would
come and they would bring their children and my grandparents
would be there and it was really cool and I
liked it, but I much preferred it when we started
doing it with like just our family, just a small
amount of people. It was much less stress, even for
me as a child, Like I don't know, I was
(09:20):
picking up on all these things, right right. Um, So,
history wise, as far as we know, the word first
appeared in writing in two thousand seven on places like Twitter,
a mashup of friends and Thanksgiving used to describe an
informal meal shared with friends in the holiday season. People
were quick to adopt the term. It really is probably
(09:43):
one of the more significant words that we all know
now in the US. Uh, And it started appearing in
things like magazines or edited print online, popping up in
a variety of lifestyle pieces in two thousand eight and
two thousand nine. Yes, so they're gonna monetize like nobody's
business and this is an amazing another holiday, let's do this. Yes,
and speaking of friends giving really took off because that
(10:07):
year Bailey's Irish Cream used it in an ad campaign
and it was part of an episode of the Real
Housewives of New Jersey called gobble Fellows. Is this the
one where she flips the table. I have no idea.
I need someone to tell me because I'm too latey
to google this. I could never find out otherwise, Listeners,
(10:29):
I just remember the iconic saying this is when I
was kind of watching The Housewives and New Jersey. They
are dar are entertaining, like I'm trying to find the
best words, and I remember correctly. I wonder if this
is the infamous flip scene. That's an almost Like so many,
it became one of the best gifts for a while. Well, listeners,
(10:51):
let us know you're counting on you. In twenty thirteen,
butter Ball, as in the Turkey's Yest filed a patent
were friends Giving Turkey in southern California, and Taco Bell
hosted a friends giving feast with the slogan nothing is
better than a friend with Taco Bell. And you can
(11:12):
find the invites online. You can find shirts, you can
find pictures that gave me some delight. So on TikTok
just recently, and I will send you this video any
because I've sent you everything else. Why not. A woman
actually pretty much challenged Taco Bell, saying that she lived
in rural I don't know, it's not North Carolina or
somewhere maybe Georgia even and there was no Taco Bell.
(11:35):
She's like, there's no way you can get this to me. Idea,
how are you going to do this thing? And so
Taco Bell sent a whole care package to her with
all of these fancy air quotes, uh like dining room
stuff and including uh like side dishes, table runners, floors,
all of them with Taco Bell and broadery. They had
(11:56):
like uh stickers for her to give away patches. But
it was whole mill and it wasn't Taco Bell. It
was Thanksgiving meal for her. That's interesting. It wasn't Taco Bell.
I think she got the sauces though, okay, which apparently
there's a shortage of Oh you betta watch it out. Sorry,
(12:19):
Taco Bell is killing this friends giving Thanksgiving thing. I'm
just gonna saying I really enjoyed learning about it. It
made me laugh. These are just a handful of the
companies that jumped on the friends giving wagon in these
early days. Over seventy Facebook events contained the word friends giving.
In that same year, mentions of friends giving doubled on
(12:40):
the payment app benmo ovin Moo. Now it's mainstream enough
that a movie called Friends Giving came out in twenty twenty.
I missed this one and it got around at one
point two million mentions on Instagram that's awesome, And that
same year Miriam Webster added it to the Dictionary of
All the Super Official of course, and you can buy shirts,
(13:02):
find how to recipes, and even rules and commandments. I
have seen a lot of etiquette things about friends giving
I have to, and I was like, whoa, you need
to know the rules. It's like clashes for sure, including
the fact that if you bring the wrong person, if
you bring guests, you're not supposed to how much food
you're supposed to bring, and what kind of like if
(13:23):
you're supposed to bring drinks or not. I guess I
think yeah, And then I've learned you're not supposed to
expect to use the person's kitchen like all sorts of stuff.
Not that I ever did that, but I didn't realize
that have cold food. Wow. But yeah, I feel like
with all of these things that you can find now,
(13:44):
it does sort of get away from the original intent
to friends giving, which again it was supposed to be
much more relaxed hang out time. But more on that
in a second, social scientists believe that a part of
the popularity when it comes to millennials and friends giving
also has to do with things like the laying marriage
or not getting married at all, not happening to children.
The shifting view of what family is and can be
(14:06):
friends of the new family was something that came up
in a lot of the articles I read. So that
makes sense. Yeah, it's that it's the new trends that
blood is not your family, you make your own family.
And we know a lot has happened, especially when it
comes to LGBTQ communities, and how this has really been
able to be replenishing for them in the friends group,
(14:26):
so in the family group. Malcolm Harris, author of Kids
These Days, Human Capital and the Making of Millennials, things
it's more of a sign of the average lower income
of millennials, saying, quote, friends giving is a propaganda weapon
used by the ruling class to further their plans for
wage stagnation. Yeah, it was interesting. Art was interesting. Yeah, oh,
(14:50):
and that was probably one of the lighter scene. But
essentially like we can't afford to have Thanksgiving, our houses
are family. It's a whole thing. He wrote about it.
So there's that. Well okay, yes, yeah, cheers to that.
(15:22):
So there. I think there's a lot of reasons going
on beyond the ones we've already listed behind friends Giving.
We've talked before about how the emotional labor um which,
by the way, it is a lot of emotional labor
of the holidays often falls to women, especially if you
are a mother or like ahead of the family in
(15:44):
some way. It's you know, you're expected to do a
lot of the planning um, and during the pandemic this
has become even more laborious, dreating and exhausting. I keep
seeing all these things about all the shortages going on
and having to get your gifts way ahead and plan
the food way ahead, all that stuff um, which is stressful.
So when you search friends Giving, the results aimed towards
(16:06):
women are interesting because a lot of it sounds to
me like essentially, come as you are, where are your pajamas?
If you want to bring what you want, whether you
brought it at the store, made it a much less stressful,
more relaxed and get together where women don't have to
put on this performance. A lot of it to me
just sounds like, yeah, you don't have to put on
this performance, just come have fun, um, which is interesting
(16:30):
because I think it's really telling that we created a
holiday that's supposed to be stress free when in theory
the holidays are a time for relaxing. But who makes
the magic. It's often women, I will say so. The
more recent friends giving that have been a part of
is the same sex couple. Um, it's it's my guy friends,
and they are amazing at it and they do so
(16:52):
they do a lot of work to say that. I know,
just as much as I love hosting, it's a whole venture. Yeah,
I have a friend couple like that as well. And
that was something else that I came across when of
his researching. This is again the whole idea that maybe
you don't have UM, you're delaying marriage or not getting married,
(17:15):
or your family doesn't accept you for whatever reason, but
you still want to host things UM. And some people
do enjoy that aspect of it, and like you know
that feeling of I have enough space, like I've made
it and I can host something for some people that's
really really rewarding. I do like it on occasion, right,
but in general stressful. It's the whole thing. I know,
(17:39):
Like the beginning getting everything together, trying to put it
together and making sure you have enough food, making sure
I've got the right food, whether it's okay. This one
doesn't drink, so I need to make sure this is
available for them. This one is lactose intolerant, this is vegetarian,
so we need to have these availabilities and don't let
these things touch, like these are things that go through
my head. And then once I've seen that everyone has
enjoyed it, and what I mean enjoy boy, I mean
(18:00):
they're eating all the foods or loving what's going on,
or having a really good conversation and or just relaxed.
Then after that that's when my satisfaction happens and like,
oh my god, I did it slash, I'm so glad
that came. I love my friends. Those types of moments,
But the initial is the biggest headache in anxiety, inducing
(18:21):
a moment of like scrounging and scraping about everywhere and
rushing around like I'm chicken with the head cut off
and trying to get it together. Yeah yeah, yeah, and
then having that the fear the whole time of like
if something's gone wrong or what if people don't have
a good time. Am I doing enough entertaining? Right? Me
(18:42):
having to flop around and make sure you've got plates?
And of course I'm mommy extra hard and I say
that in that I'm very Southern caretaker levels social work
person here that so I need to know not only
have you eaten, you've gotten your drinks? You are you low?
I'm coming? What else do you want? Like that is
it's I never tried, I never stopped. Mm hmm, Yes,
(19:04):
this is true. I can attest and I learned that
from my mother to be fair, which again puts that
whole heavy burden. Yep. I think a lot of that,
especially as we've discussed a lot of times, women are
more socialized to be like the event planners and the
social people would making sure everything's okay. And that's one
(19:25):
of the things when I started, I won't call it
a feminist awakening, but I started having like these questions.
And I would get so mad Thanksgiving because it would
be me my mom and we would just cook all
day in the kitchen and then people would come down
any and then they would go back up, and then
we would clean everything up, and I was like, this
(19:48):
is the boy, right, And then they would get frustrated
if if they would get hungry and it wasn't done yet,
like you're welcome to come down and help if they
come down. In hell, I have a lot of people
in my family who are not good at making conversation
and also are not good at like they it's almost
(20:10):
like they shut down when you tell them how to
do something and they don't know how to do it,
and then it's like now I've gotta see you. Um
so it becomes a thing where like now it's gone
from at least me and my mom. I say, this
is someone who loves my family as well, but at
least it me and my mom, Like we have easy
conversation that kind of know what to do. It's not
a stress. But if they come down and I gotta
(20:32):
gotta have this conversation, I don't know that's all the
attention is on, you h But I think one of
the big things that I remember from my parents, my
mother specifically, is as much as she needed help, but
because she got would get frustrated if it wasn't done
in such a way. And I'm not trying to gas
light this is not the pretending like you don't know
what to do and you mess up on purpose that incompetence.
(20:53):
Incompetence dance at that level, it's not even that. But
she really has this ideal of exactly what she wants,
and she gets flustered and can't communicate that well. And
so in her mind, and she will tell you this,
she would rather just go ahead and do it then
have to tell you, because this is going to be
such a frustrating conversation. By the time she finished telling
me or you or someone else, she could have already
(21:15):
done it in hern That is her rationale. So having
people around her, and she's she's kicked me out with
the kitchen many times because just underfoot, I just need
to get this done literally being told that. The only
person at some point in time she finally trusted was
my sister, who was almost as anal as her, so
(21:37):
it was like right on par with each other. So
she was able to trust that. As she's gotten like
a much older and our family has grown much more extensively,
she has kind of cared less and step back, which
also is why we'll have Thanksgiving dinner and it's sandwiches.
And I understand why, but that was one of the
biggest disappointments I think I've ever gone through because I
(21:58):
don't typically, you know, Christmas, I'm not always home and
my mother is a good cook, and they're all great,
and yes, i know it takes a lot of effort,
but I'm like, oh, this is my Thanksgiving holiday, mill Okay,
But again I understand why, and I get like, yeah,
I'm over it. She's over it. She's done. She's done.
(22:18):
She's done this for fifty something years now, and it's
just like, and I've had to be doing this for
so long. Done, You're right, right, it makes sense. We
definitely there are definitely things that we've slowly kind of
let go for the years, and we're not going to
do that anymore. And we're not going to get out
the nice whatever. Yeah, unless my mom feels fancy m hmm,
(22:46):
then I do paper plates right right, Yeah, aren't so much.
It is a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot
um And actually, that was another thing I wanted to
bring up, is the reason Thanksgiving is on a Thursday
in the first place is so that the wife would
have time to make this big feast for her family
(23:06):
and the traditional Sunday meal that used to be like
every Sunday, you would do this, so that is why
it's on Thursday. Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, I
did not know that. I'm very upset about the situation.
And I guess it makes sense because we know that
Thanksgiving and I know there's been an episode, so if
y'all want to go listen to it, please go about
Surgencifa Hale, who is the godmother or the mother of Thanksgiving,
(23:30):
which happened during the Lincoln administration, so way back when
um as a way of unifying the country. We know
that that was the whole intent, and during that time,
of course, the women of the household would make a
giant face and or have their people, if there were
enslaved people, make an entire feast for whomever. Not knowing
(23:51):
much about I'm assuming it's also a rich person holiday
at that point in time, about who can afford food
and when, because we know through a whole thing. But
the first Thanksgivings were originated back to sixt hundreds, and
they weren't as cute as you think they were, and
a lot of mascarts happened. As in fact, we know
some tribes and some communities will actually do this thanksgiving
(24:13):
us a day of mourning as it should. So it's
not pretty in any way whatsoever, and we have completely
taken it to a whole different realm. Yes, I do
go down dark paths apologies, but in knowing all of that,
it's kind of like, oh, yeah, of course, what would
would put more labor on women and not giving them
a day of like, hey, this is the day of us.
(24:34):
It's more of No, this is double your work, good luck.
And also this is the way to say about community
because we are ripped the shreds because you know, the
enslaved people. We actually want to have freedom and rights
and abolish all of this nastiness, but we need to
keep the family together because you know Jesus. Maybe, um, yeah,
(24:57):
I didn't. I wasn't aware of that when we did
that episode on Sarah justse fora hil um, which it
really is an interesting story. I wasn't aware of this,
Like traditional Sunday meal, there could be another reason it's
on Thursday, but I know that it is at least
one of the reasons. She was like, we'll do it
on Thursday. I don't give the women time to prepare
for the traditional Sunday meal. Won't mess with that. So
(25:18):
I mean, that's that's pretty telling right there, right. Yeah,
And I also think that friends giving just makes sense, um.
And I know, I think I was celebrating it before
it was a thing, Like we didn't call it that,
but it's just we were doing that, right. It just
makes sense to me, Like you want to hang out
with friends during the holidays, it might be the only
(25:38):
time you have off, um a bunch of your friends
and in certain groups. Yeah, and so to me it
makes sense in that way. And also just want to
put in here the term friends giving is often attributed
to the show Friends. Um, that is not where it
came from. But they did celebrate what we would now
call friends giving on the show just right. I think
(26:00):
I remember that. Is that the Turkey episode? I mean
they did it several in several episodes, but yes, it
is that one. Yeah, Uh, I do remember, because I
thought that was nasty and I was like, why would
you do this to yourself? I think we also did
that before friends giving became a thing, and it was
a way of exchanging presence in between because of course
you couldn't do it during family times that I would
(26:21):
want to get gifts to my friends. Uh. And of
course in high school you hung out with your friends
all the time, so you need to make that happen
in order to the gift exchange all of that. I
think later on it became a whole different level um
of sharing food. At one point in time, was just
going to restaurants and hanging out. And honestly, like I
was thinking about it for this year, I'm like, I
think I might just rent a back room invite ten people.
(26:44):
And that's the entirety of friends giving is. I don't
want to host it at my house. I don't want
to make anybody clean, I don't want anybody have to cook.
We're just gonna sit in child and hanging period and
I feel like that would be and we could also
support someone who was having to work during the holidays
and get the money. That sounds nice. Sounds nice. So
(27:17):
to close out, I did want to talk about, you know,
some some memories and traditions, um, because I remember when
the pandemic was in full spring last year and we
were trying to think of ways to celebrate the holidays
in a time where it's so kind of different and
risky and ways to do so. So in that way,
we'll talk about some of the stuff that we have,
(27:39):
some of our memories and some things you might be
interested in. And what I will say is I have
been doing cheese giving for about five or six years,
and that I have to say has been a hit.
A lot of people have written in about cheese giving. Uh,
some people have started celebrating it on their own, and
I applaud this, but I'm very happy you. But essentially,
(28:01):
cheese giving is a particular group of friends of mine
who all love cheese, and this is our specific friends
giving and we all we get together, we make a
cheese board. It's become like maybe I'll post some pictures.
It has become a much bigger thing than it used
to be, where we'd all bring, like, you know, maybe
(28:22):
they'd be five cheeses. Now it's a spread. Now it's
a whole thing. Um, and we've gotten really good at
making a nice cheese plate. And there's wine and usually
horror movies because of course. But uh, some of the
cheeses I like on my cheeseboard are I like a Brie,
I like a Kuda, a groy air, a sharp cheddar,
(28:45):
and a goat cheese. Then I like cucumbers and sir racha. Yes, yes,
but my friends, so I bring that and some wine.
My friends will bring like what I would call fancy
or cheese. Is so they really like espresso, cheese wine. Jesus,
is that sarace love love love, yes, yes, and it's
(29:10):
a lovely, lovely time. Um. And then I have another
friend group where unfortunately I've only made it to this
friend's giving once, but they do a friends giving wreath
where you right what you what you wish or want
in the coming year. And two of my best friends, um,
(29:31):
one of them wrote, you know, I'm going to marry
this person on the wreath and they got married. Yeah, yeah,
I do. I appreciate little things like that, traditions that
we make with our friends, right yeah. And then I
(29:52):
wanted to mention this because somebody, a listener wrote in
about this and I'm so sorry, I can't remember your name,
and I think this was a wild back so I
couldn't find it. Um. But what they do, or at
least one time they did a time where everyone brought
in like their favorite foods, our foods from their family
or like their history, and in that way you would
(30:15):
just get this very interesting like spread of foods from
all over and maybe things you've never tried before, and
it sounded like such a lovely thing. And she said
the idea was from the movie Signs, where I don't know,
at the end of the movie, I guess they think
they're going to die. Maybe they sort of have a
last meal. They like, what do you want? What's the
thing you want? But I like that idea. I like
(30:39):
the idea of just like, let's make it really whatever
it is, doesn't have to coordinate at all. The luck Yeah, yeah,
my friends are more on the Google uh so that
we have to make sure and I'm using like cookies, wine,
You're welcome. I didn't make a baked mac and cheese
(31:00):
one time. It was pretty good, yea for our friends
stuff we don't have. I've been trying to get in
on this cheese giving. I've still not been invited. Anyway.
My other friends, we've we've done a lot of different things,
and typically, like I said, we do a Google doc spreadsheet.
But one thing that has changed as of late. My
friends are ridiculously funny and smart and tech savvy. I
am not. They make fun of me all the time
(31:22):
because I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna send this gift and
it turns out to be a video and they can't play,
and they're like why. I'm like, don't start with me.
And I was like, they would just do a whole
rolling gift back and forth and I couldn't participate. So
I'll just send a link essentially, and they would find
that hilarious. But because they are the East Geniuses, my
good friends are the same sex. A couple I was
(31:43):
telling about who who pretty much just like Hosts Extraordinaire.
One of them have gotten to the like meme stuff,
so they will do bring your favorite means and do
crafts to make a mean tree, and they've done it
for two years straight. Last year, of course, I think
they just sent pictures, but that was kind of the
idea behind what they were doing, So bring your favorite
memes and I was like, I don't know, I'm not
(32:06):
I'm not, I'm not um and I just popped up
and showed up. But that's one of the traditions that
they do. And I was like, Oh, that makes that's cute.
I like that. So they helped decorate the tree beforehand
and that's there the tree, and I'm like yeah, and
then of course we did the white Elephant. Do silly
gifts anything in this part, so like typically people do
(32:27):
really good silly gifts every now and then you get
the really big things. They're like, why did you okay
take it, like gift cards out of know where. I'm like, yeah, okay,
I have taken like but the nerf guns as a
president and all that. So, but that that's the kind
of traditions that they typically do, and we typically do
on that note, and then just sit and then whoever
falls asleep first, and it's like they get stuff stacked
(32:47):
onto them. Yeah, yeah, well funny, funnily enough, I usually
fall asleep first that she's giving because it's as little
as I sleep. I have a window and I if
I'm tired and I can fall asleep in that window,
especially if there's wine and cheese involved, I will fall asleep.
(33:09):
So I probably have like four or five pictures of
that someone has taken while I must sleep at cheese
giving every time typically and and surprisingly it's not me.
Now the last two years I've gotten really bad about
falling asleep because of drinks, and I'm like I'm done,
I'm over it. But usually will sneak away so you
can't find me. I don't intend to. It just happens suddenly.
(33:35):
But yeah, I like that, like the meme tree crafts.
That's a fun that's a fun idea. So I know
we were going to give recipes and then for the
whole Life of Me, I forgot which one I was
gonna give. But one thing that I believe I've talked
about before on this show. Over on the other show
I do Savor, which is all about food and drink.
We did an episode once on ambrosia, which was one
(33:58):
of my favorite episodes we've ever ever done because it
could literally be almost anything. It's it escapes definition recipe.
I feel like you shared one last year. Yes, so
that is one that it's super easy and if if
you're looking for, because I think I also show I
shared the sweet potato castrole one and chocolate pie, which
(34:21):
are heavier, heavier things. But my version of ambrosia is
pretty much like juice, whichever like if you like orange
juice or orange pineapple juice, I would just stick with
orange pineapple pineapple and it could be fresh or you
could get it already cut. And then oranges and coconut,
(34:43):
which you can also take the risk on a fresh coconut.
You can get the shredded coconut um and pecans and
that's just put them in a container and it's fruit soup. Yeah.
So like I'm like, is that jello? People would do
it with jello? To most people do it with jello
or Marshalls. I've never heard of this. It's not what
my ambrosia is. Yeah, I've seen the cloudy looking ones
(35:06):
and I'm like, what is what is happening? So I
don't trust ambrosia. I'm not gonna lie. I don't know
what you put into it. Now, I know what you
put into now, I know what you put into it.
But I'm like, is this just the fruit cups frozen? Well?
Usually it's it's much nicer, it's fresher, and I like
(35:28):
the touch of the pecans. It's It's surprisingly popular among
my friend group because it is kind of a strange,
strangest thing that I make very Southern. Yes, But again,
when I was looking at when I was researching for
that episode on Ambrosia, I was like, people, do what
you know? One of my new traditions with my sister,
(35:48):
My sister has come upon a really great, and you
just tried this, you and your friend actually really great
chicken and dumpling recipe, and that's become kind of a
staple where she would bring it because my son I
of chicken and dumplings, and so I've been requesting it
for a while. And her daughter, her oldest daughter, really
loves chicken and dumplings. So it became a fan favorite
and she would bring it every year. And I'm hoping
(36:08):
that happens again, because no matter what, at least we
have chicken and dumplings. Whether I'm eating sandwiches and chicken
dumblings or one time lasagna and chicken and dumblings, we
have weird meals in my house. I'm just kidding. My
mother's trying. This is her way of trying to be adventurous,
and I think it's been adorable. Actually, So my new,
our new little tradition is having more chicken and dumplings.
(36:30):
And you had it super easy. Which I had a
whole conversation with Holly from Stuff You miss in History
Class and Criminalia about her ideal of chicken and dumplings,
and it was super interesting about the differences. And I
do wonder what other people's recipes are because I go
into the soupy with thick dumplings that stick to the
(36:53):
roof of your mouth type of dumplings with chunks of
white chicken breast, no veggies where those veggies coming from?
That's the meal. But I think for chicken and dumplings,
and honestly, it's probably top five meal for me. So
I do wonder because it is to me. Now it's
become a Thanksgiving tradition. I do wonder. I have another
question for you all, what are everybody's thoughts on ticka
(37:14):
and dumplings? Because I talked with you for a second
and with Lauren about maybe I should come on and
talk about much again a polades because I would think,
and it's not mine, it's my sister, so I can't
claim it, but I do make it. But yeah, that's
one of our traditions. And I it's also a very
Southern because I figured out my partner, even though he's
from the South, never had it until I made it.
(37:35):
I'm like, well you did in Georgia as a teenager
and as a youth. I don't understand, right. I do
love those conversations where everybody has a different understanding of
what the same thing is right, and that was actually
um one of the friends giving episodes on Friends they Had,
Monica was trying to make everybody's favorite thing and it
(37:55):
was like four different types of potatoes, fashed potatoes, and
just how people thought it should taste and what it
should be. Yeah. Yeah, So listeners, let us know your
thoughts on chicken in deathlings. If you have any recipes
you want to try, please send them our way. If
you have any traditions you want to share UM. If
you're celebrating friends giving any of the upcoming holidays, we
(38:18):
hope that you have a safe and lovely time. We
always love hearing from you. You can emails the stuff
you Nedia moul Stuff at i heart media dot com.
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
or on Instagram. That Stuff I've Never told you. Thanks,
It's always you are super producer, Christina. Thank you, Christina,
and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never told
youse prodiction of I Heart Radio for more podcast on
my heart Radio, is it the iHeart Radio app, Apple
(38:40):
podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't kind of
stuff I never told your protection of I heart radio.
So today we wanted to talk about friends giving and
where it came from and what it asked to do
(00:25):
with emotional labor, especially for women that we've talked about before.
I'm sure a lot of us are feeling it right now.
Samantha and I just kind of had a mini distress
moment before doing this, so I want to ask you, Samantha,
do you celebrate friends giving? So for a little while
we did, and I just remembered I had two different
(00:47):
ones for two very different reasons. Holidays are awful for me.
I don't love it. Um trying to get better about
it every year. I think I've told this story before.
Every year I really try, and then when it comes around,
I was like, no, I don't like it. I don't
like it. Let me just sit and alone on my couch.
And of course, just the last year with a pandemic
and coronavirus going around and then my whole family got
(01:08):
affected like real hard, so it's really easy for me
to step out of that one. But of course that
also meant we didn't do the friends giving that we
have done before. I will say I had one group
of friends who did it when I would do racing,
which is really weird because I did a couple of
half marathons where afterwards I would go and I'm like,
I'm eating pies all day because I just ran their
(01:30):
team point one mile and I can do this right, um.
And I remember celebrating with them. We did that for
a couple of years, and then that kind of fell
through because they end up having their own families and
or other traditions happened. And then I went to another
one which was beautiful and they were good friends and
they just hosted a whole feast. So my two really
(01:52):
good friends. One of them is a chef and he
kills it and makes all these things, best mac and cheese,
all of the things. And we come to there and
I usually bring in like, hey, I bought cookies. You're welcome, um,
because I just get nervous and I just get overwhelmed
with all of that. As you know you've seen me cook.
It's a it's a task. It's always delightful. I try,
(02:14):
but I really do enjoy it. I think it got
bigger and bigger for that one and so started getting
too chaotic for me, where I'm like, I have to
hang out with strangers now because friends, friends of friends
would come and then I'm like, what do we do now? Right?
But that actually quickly changed to being like secret not
secret Santa, but like the silly Santa's where you have
(02:36):
to take away gifts from each other or whatever that
that gift is. I can't remember the name of it.
But so it became that as well because it would
be in between Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we would have
meal and share the mill. But it wasn't necessarily Thanksgiving,
so was friends Giving obviously, but also geared towards Christmas.
It became that, right, right. I think I also celebrate
(03:02):
several different friends givings because I have a lot of
different friends groups that just don't interact for one reason
or the other. Usually it's just they come from different
points of my life and they don't intersect. Do you know,
I've been thinking about this and maybe we need to
do an episode, But do you isolate friend groups? Yeah?
I think you know. I'm pretty bad about it, honestly, Yeah,
(03:23):
I'm a real I get really nervous about one of
my friends don't like each other and I am I
feel that same way. But I feel like all of
my friends should be each other's friends perfectly. So I
just bring everybody together no matter what, unless it's something
specific like oh, this is a work function, so we're
gonna keep this a work function. But like if you
(03:43):
make it into my friend group, I try to mix
up all of friends, but I have several friends who
you included that keep them isolated in specific pockets, and
I find that interesting whole different conversations. I will I
will intersect the friend groups and it almost always goes okay. Um.
I have a few instances where it didn't, but I
(04:05):
just get I get some of my head about it.
I get so worried about it, and I'm always like,
what if they're mad I invited this person they don't know.
I think about it to way too much. But anyway,
so for a while I was going to like three
or four every year, and that's like a different It's
really funny to me that this holiday started out as
like a way to not be stressed and have a
relaxing one, and then, as we are wont to do
(04:28):
in America and with capitalism, it did sort of go
opted we're gonna talk all about that. I still love
friends Giving, but it it it was like, Okay, now
I've gone from like two celebrations to seven, um, and
so I celebrate. I'm going to one this Friday, hopefully
this Friday or next Friday. This Friday, because friends Giving
(04:50):
usually takes place the Friday, well, we'll talk about that.
It's it usually takes place the weekend before or after,
like two weeks after Thanksgiving. Um. But I did have
a friend group that did it. Um. They would have
their friends Giving the day after Thanksgiving, and I could
never go because like I'm still in family mode at
that point. And it was always a bummer because I
(05:15):
wanted to go. I like those friends, but they also
lived like an hour away, so it wasn't the right,
super easy thing. Well, you know Caroline previously of stuff
I've never told you. Her birthday is always the day
after Thanksgiving, and it's always like more right near Thanksgiving.
It is always such a bumber because she's like no
one's around. I can't hang with anybody, right, I know,
(05:38):
And I always do try to make an effort to
get to her party, which I feel like she usually
throws like two days later something. Yeah, she tried because
she knows that if if she wants people there, typically
she has to wait. But yeah, right, I was like,
oh man, my sister is the same way. Her birthday
is right after Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, I've had some I
have some friends that I have that issue is well, Um,
(06:01):
and I feel like a mine my main friend group
that I've had that does friends giving. Um, we've been
doing it since high school, which is actually when it
started to get really popular. But it has also become
kind of a Christmas slash Thanksgiving where we exchange gifts
and stuff like that. So that makes sense to me
easier to kind of smash it together. Right, Okay, So
(06:26):
we wanted to talk about what friends giving is some
of the history behind it. Yeah, it's pretty much what
it sounds like. Friends Giving is typically a gathering of
friends of a large meal, happened sometimes around the American
holiday of Thanksgiving, sometimes as a replacement for the holiday
usually celebrated with family. So for some it's a way
to get out of a family gathering all For others,
it's much more of a logistical choice, like maybe you're
(06:48):
setting out of the country. Um, Like I had a
lot of friends in college who you know, we're from
a different country and they're not going to fly home
or even different parts of the country, Like not everyone
can afford to do that, and other going to celebrate
this so exactly right, right right right yeah, And maybe
for whatever reason, you don't have family to celebrate with. Um.
(07:08):
For some who may live at home with their parents family,
it's a nice way to get to the house and
get some space. And I remember in high school feeling like, oh,
we're having a It felt like we were adult or
something like we're hosting. Yeah. Um. I have some friends
that do it in part because they can't drink at
family events. And you know, it's just nice to know
(07:30):
that you're generally aligned culturally, politically, socially with the other attendees,
which might not be the case with your family, my family,
which is also why I don't want to go home,
but I must and I do. I know. I am
very honest and open. I love my family, I really do.
And as a child I did enjoy the Thanksgiving thing.
(07:54):
It made me feel homey, it made me feel nice.
We had some little traditions. Um was when I started
getting older, I was like, oh, this is getting bad.
This is the conversation is getting bad. We are really
awkward with each other because it's obviously that we're growing
apart and I'm starting to have my own ideals and
it's not aligning with yours. And this is getting uglier because, uh,
(08:14):
one of my brothers is really really good at just
needling just enough, but my mom says does the he's
just joking, but also gets really uncomfortable and tells him
to stop. So both of those things. Recently had a
couple of blow up with the families where I don't
have any We've never outright had a conflict before, and
(08:36):
then all of a sudden it's been kind of between
me and my mom because I probably shared the most
with her. I don't talk directly to my siblings and
I'm not close to them. So yeah, this is absolutely
me um. And the first time I was able to
like not go home and I actually visited friends in Baltimore,
it was amazing and I wish I could do. How
do I do this every year? Right? Right? I know?
(09:00):
For me, like growing up, we would go my mom's
side of the family, like all of her siblings would
come and they would bring their children and my grandparents
would be there and it was really cool and I
liked it, but I much preferred it when we started
doing it with like just our family, just a small
amount of people. It was much less stress, even for
me as a child, Like I don't know, I was
(09:20):
picking up on all these things, right right. Um, So,
history wise, as far as we know, the word first
appeared in writing in two thousand seven on places like Twitter,
a mashup of friends and Thanksgiving used to describe an
informal meal shared with friends in the holiday season. People
were quick to adopt the term. It really is probably
(09:43):
one of the more significant words that we all know
now in the US. Uh, And it started appearing in
things like magazines or edited print online, popping up in
a variety of lifestyle pieces in two thousand eight and
two thousand nine. Yes, so they're gonna monetize like nobody's
business and this is an amazing another holiday, let's do this. Yes,
and speaking of friends giving really took off because that
(10:07):
year Bailey's Irish Cream used it in an ad campaign
and it was part of an episode of the Real
Housewives of New Jersey called gobble Fellows. Is this the
one where she flips the table. I have no idea.
I need someone to tell me because I'm too latey
to google this. I could never find out otherwise, Listeners,
(10:29):
I just remember the iconic saying this is when I
was kind of watching The Housewives and New Jersey. They
are dar are entertaining, like I'm trying to find the
best words, and I remember correctly. I wonder if this
is the infamous flip scene. That's an almost Like so many,
it became one of the best gifts for a while. Well, listeners,
(10:51):
let us know you're counting on you. In twenty thirteen,
butter Ball, as in the Turkey's Yest filed a patent
were friends Giving Turkey in southern California, and Taco Bell
hosted a friends giving feast with the slogan nothing is
better than a friend with Taco Bell. And you can
(11:12):
find the invites online. You can find shirts, you can
find pictures that gave me some delight. So on TikTok
just recently, and I will send you this video any
because I've sent you everything else. Why not. A woman
actually pretty much challenged Taco Bell, saying that she lived
in rural I don't know, it's not North Carolina or
somewhere maybe Georgia even and there was no Taco Bell.
(11:35):
She's like, there's no way you can get this to me. Idea,
how are you going to do this thing? And so
Taco Bell sent a whole care package to her with
all of these fancy air quotes, uh like dining room
stuff and including uh like side dishes, table runners, floors,
all of them with Taco Bell and broadery. They had
(11:56):
like uh stickers for her to give away patches. But
it was whole mill and it wasn't Taco Bell. It
was Thanksgiving meal for her. That's interesting. It wasn't Taco Bell.
I think she got the sauces though, okay, which apparently
there's a shortage of Oh you betta watch it out. Sorry,
(12:19):
Taco Bell is killing this friends giving Thanksgiving thing. I'm
just gonna saying I really enjoyed learning about it. It
made me laugh. These are just a handful of the
companies that jumped on the friends giving wagon in these
early days. Over seventy Facebook events contained the word friends giving.
In that same year, mentions of friends giving doubled on
(12:40):
the payment app benmo ovin Moo. Now it's mainstream enough
that a movie called Friends Giving came out in twenty twenty.
I missed this one and it got around at one
point two million mentions on Instagram that's awesome, And that
same year Miriam Webster added it to the Dictionary of
All the Super Official of course, and you can buy shirts,
(13:02):
find how to recipes, and even rules and commandments. I
have seen a lot of etiquette things about friends giving
I have to, and I was like, whoa, you need
to know the rules. It's like clashes for sure, including
the fact that if you bring the wrong person, if
you bring guests, you're not supposed to how much food
you're supposed to bring, and what kind of like if
(13:23):
you're supposed to bring drinks or not. I guess I
think yeah, And then I've learned you're not supposed to
expect to use the person's kitchen like all sorts of stuff.
Not that I ever did that, but I didn't realize
that have cold food. Wow. But yeah, I feel like
with all of these things that you can find now,
(13:44):
it does sort of get away from the original intent
to friends giving, which again it was supposed to be
much more relaxed hang out time. But more on that
in a second, social scientists believe that a part of
the popularity when it comes to millennials and friends giving
also has to do with things like the laying marriage
or not getting married at all, not happening to children.
The shifting view of what family is and can be
(14:06):
friends of the new family was something that came up
in a lot of the articles I read. So that
makes sense. Yeah, it's that it's the new trends that
blood is not your family, you make your own family.
And we know a lot has happened, especially when it
comes to LGBTQ communities, and how this has really been
able to be replenishing for them in the friends group,
(14:26):
so in the family group. Malcolm Harris, author of Kids
These Days, Human Capital and the Making of Millennials, things
it's more of a sign of the average lower income
of millennials, saying, quote, friends giving is a propaganda weapon
used by the ruling class to further their plans for
wage stagnation. Yeah, it was interesting. Art was interesting. Yeah, oh,
(14:50):
and that was probably one of the lighter scene. But
essentially like we can't afford to have Thanksgiving, our houses
are family. It's a whole thing. He wrote about it.
So there's that. Well okay, yes, yeah, cheers to that.
(15:22):
So there. I think there's a lot of reasons going
on beyond the ones we've already listed behind friends Giving.
We've talked before about how the emotional labor um which,
by the way, it is a lot of emotional labor
of the holidays often falls to women, especially if you
are a mother or like ahead of the family in
(15:44):
some way. It's you know, you're expected to do a
lot of the planning um, and during the pandemic this
has become even more laborious, dreating and exhausting. I keep
seeing all these things about all the shortages going on
and having to get your gifts way ahead and plan
the food way ahead, all that stuff um, which is stressful.
So when you search friends Giving, the results aimed towards
(16:06):
women are interesting because a lot of it sounds to
me like essentially, come as you are, where are your pajamas?
If you want to bring what you want, whether you
brought it at the store, made it a much less stressful,
more relaxed and get together where women don't have to
put on this performance. A lot of it to me
just sounds like, yeah, you don't have to put on
this performance, just come have fun, um, which is interesting
(16:30):
because I think it's really telling that we created a
holiday that's supposed to be stress free when in theory
the holidays are a time for relaxing. But who makes
the magic. It's often women, I will say so. The
more recent friends giving that have been a part of
is the same sex couple. Um, it's it's my guy friends,
and they are amazing at it and they do so
(16:52):
they do a lot of work to say that. I know,
just as much as I love hosting, it's a whole venture. Yeah,
I have a friend couple like that as well. And
that was something else that I came across when of
his researching. This is again the whole idea that maybe
you don't have UM, you're delaying marriage or not getting married,
(17:15):
or your family doesn't accept you for whatever reason, but
you still want to host things UM. And some people
do enjoy that aspect of it, and like you know
that feeling of I have enough space, like I've made
it and I can host something for some people that's
really really rewarding. I do like it on occasion, right,
but in general stressful. It's the whole thing. I know,
(17:39):
Like the beginning getting everything together, trying to put it
together and making sure you have enough food, making sure
I've got the right food, whether it's okay. This one
doesn't drink, so I need to make sure this is
available for them. This one is lactose intolerant, this is vegetarian,
so we need to have these availabilities and don't let
these things touch, like these are things that go through
my head. And then once I've seen that everyone has
enjoyed it, and what I mean enjoy boy, I mean
(18:00):
they're eating all the foods or loving what's going on,
or having a really good conversation and or just relaxed.
Then after that that's when my satisfaction happens and like,
oh my god, I did it slash, I'm so glad
that came. I love my friends. Those types of moments,
But the initial is the biggest headache in anxiety, inducing
(18:21):
a moment of like scrounging and scraping about everywhere and
rushing around like I'm chicken with the head cut off
and trying to get it together. Yeah yeah, yeah, and
then having that the fear the whole time of like
if something's gone wrong or what if people don't have
a good time. Am I doing enough entertaining? Right? Me
(18:42):
having to flop around and make sure you've got plates?
And of course I'm mommy extra hard and I say
that in that I'm very Southern caretaker levels social work
person here that so I need to know not only
have you eaten, you've gotten your drinks? You are you low?
I'm coming? What else do you want? Like that is
it's I never tried, I never stopped. Mm hmm, Yes,
(19:04):
this is true. I can attest and I learned that
from my mother to be fair, which again puts that
whole heavy burden. Yep. I think a lot of that,
especially as we've discussed a lot of times, women are
more socialized to be like the event planners and the
social people would making sure everything's okay. And that's one
(19:25):
of the things when I started, I won't call it
a feminist awakening, but I started having like these questions.
And I would get so mad Thanksgiving because it would
be me my mom and we would just cook all
day in the kitchen and then people would come down
any and then they would go back up, and then
we would clean everything up, and I was like, this
(19:48):
is the boy, right, And then they would get frustrated
if if they would get hungry and it wasn't done yet,
like you're welcome to come down and help if they
come down. In hell, I have a lot of people
in my family who are not good at making conversation
and also are not good at like they it's almost
(20:10):
like they shut down when you tell them how to
do something and they don't know how to do it,
and then it's like now I've gotta see you. Um
so it becomes a thing where like now it's gone
from at least me and my mom. I say, this
is someone who loves my family as well, but at
least it me and my mom, Like we have easy
conversation that kind of know what to do. It's not
a stress. But if they come down and I gotta
(20:32):
gotta have this conversation, I don't know that's all the
attention is on, you h But I think one of
the big things that I remember from my parents, my
mother specifically, is as much as she needed help, but
because she got would get frustrated if it wasn't done
in such a way. And I'm not trying to gas
light this is not the pretending like you don't know
what to do and you mess up on purpose that incompetence.
(20:53):
Incompetence dance at that level, it's not even that. But
she really has this ideal of exactly what she wants,
and she gets flustered and can't communicate that well. And
so in her mind, and she will tell you this,
she would rather just go ahead and do it then
have to tell you, because this is going to be
such a frustrating conversation. By the time she finished telling
me or you or someone else, she could have already
(21:15):
done it in hern That is her rationale. So having
people around her, and she's she's kicked me out with
the kitchen many times because just underfoot, I just need
to get this done literally being told that. The only
person at some point in time she finally trusted was
my sister, who was almost as anal as her, so
(21:37):
it was like right on par with each other. So
she was able to trust that. As she's gotten like
a much older and our family has grown much more extensively,
she has kind of cared less and step back, which
also is why we'll have Thanksgiving dinner and it's sandwiches.
And I understand why, but that was one of the
biggest disappointments I think I've ever gone through because I
(21:58):
don't typically, you know, Christmas, I'm not always home and
my mother is a good cook, and they're all great,
and yes, i know it takes a lot of effort,
but I'm like, oh, this is my Thanksgiving holiday, mill Okay,
But again I understand why, and I get like, yeah,
I'm over it. She's over it. She's done. She's done.
(22:18):
She's done this for fifty something years now, and it's
just like, and I've had to be doing this for
so long. Done, You're right, right, it makes sense. We
definitely there are definitely things that we've slowly kind of
let go for the years, and we're not going to
do that anymore. And we're not going to get out
the nice whatever. Yeah, unless my mom feels fancy m hmm,
(22:46):
then I do paper plates right right, Yeah, aren't so much.
It is a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot
um And actually, that was another thing I wanted to
bring up, is the reason Thanksgiving is on a Thursday
in the first place is so that the wife would
have time to make this big feast for her family
(23:06):
and the traditional Sunday meal that used to be like
every Sunday, you would do this, so that is why
it's on Thursday. Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, I
did not know that. I'm very upset about the situation.
And I guess it makes sense because we know that
Thanksgiving and I know there's been an episode, so if
y'all want to go listen to it, please go about
Surgencifa Hale, who is the godmother or the mother of Thanksgiving,
(23:30):
which happened during the Lincoln administration, so way back when
um as a way of unifying the country. We know
that that was the whole intent, and during that time,
of course, the women of the household would make a
giant face and or have their people, if there were
enslaved people, make an entire feast for whomever. Not knowing
(23:51):
much about I'm assuming it's also a rich person holiday
at that point in time, about who can afford food
and when, because we know through a whole thing. But
the first Thanksgivings were originated back to sixt hundreds, and
they weren't as cute as you think they were, and
a lot of mascarts happened. As in fact, we know
some tribes and some communities will actually do this thanksgiving
(24:13):
us a day of mourning as it should. So it's
not pretty in any way whatsoever, and we have completely
taken it to a whole different realm. Yes, I do
go down dark paths apologies, but in knowing all of that,
it's kind of like, oh, yeah, of course, what would
would put more labor on women and not giving them
a day of like, hey, this is the day of us.
(24:34):
It's more of No, this is double your work, good luck.
And also this is the way to say about community
because we are ripped the shreds because you know, the
enslaved people. We actually want to have freedom and rights
and abolish all of this nastiness, but we need to
keep the family together because you know Jesus. Maybe, um, yeah,
(24:57):
I didn't. I wasn't aware of that when we did
that episode on Sarah justse fora hil um, which it
really is an interesting story. I wasn't aware of this,
Like traditional Sunday meal, there could be another reason it's
on Thursday, but I know that it is at least
one of the reasons. She was like, we'll do it
on Thursday. I don't give the women time to prepare
for the traditional Sunday meal. Won't mess with that. So
(25:18):
I mean, that's that's pretty telling right there, right. Yeah,
And I also think that friends giving just makes sense, um.
And I know, I think I was celebrating it before
it was a thing, Like we didn't call it that,
but it's just we were doing that, right. It just
makes sense to me, Like you want to hang out
with friends during the holidays, it might be the only
(25:38):
time you have off, um a bunch of your friends
and in certain groups. Yeah, and so to me it
makes sense in that way. And also just want to
put in here the term friends giving is often attributed
to the show Friends. Um, that is not where it
came from. But they did celebrate what we would now
call friends giving on the show just right. I think
(26:00):
I remember that. Is that the Turkey episode? I mean
they did it several in several episodes, but yes, it
is that one. Yeah, Uh, I do remember, because I
thought that was nasty and I was like, why would
you do this to yourself? I think we also did
that before friends giving became a thing, and it was
a way of exchanging presence in between because of course
you couldn't do it during family times that I would
(26:21):
want to get gifts to my friends. Uh. And of
course in high school you hung out with your friends
all the time, so you need to make that happen
in order to the gift exchange all of that. I
think later on it became a whole different level um
of sharing food. At one point in time, was just
going to restaurants and hanging out. And honestly, like I
was thinking about it for this year, I'm like, I
think I might just rent a back room invite ten people.
(26:44):
And that's the entirety of friends giving is. I don't
want to host it at my house. I don't want
to make anybody clean, I don't want anybody have to cook.
We're just gonna sit in child and hanging period and
I feel like that would be and we could also
support someone who was having to work during the holidays
and get the money. That sounds nice. Sounds nice. So
(27:17):
to close out, I did want to talk about, you know,
some some memories and traditions, um, because I remember when
the pandemic was in full spring last year and we
were trying to think of ways to celebrate the holidays
in a time where it's so kind of different and
risky and ways to do so. So in that way,
we'll talk about some of the stuff that we have,
(27:39):
some of our memories and some things you might be
interested in. And what I will say is I have
been doing cheese giving for about five or six years,
and that I have to say has been a hit.
A lot of people have written in about cheese giving. Uh,
some people have started celebrating it on their own, and
I applaud this, but I'm very happy you. But essentially,
(28:01):
cheese giving is a particular group of friends of mine
who all love cheese, and this is our specific friends
giving and we all we get together, we make a
cheese board. It's become like maybe I'll post some pictures.
It has become a much bigger thing than it used
to be, where we'd all bring, like, you know, maybe
(28:22):
they'd be five cheeses. Now it's a spread. Now it's
a whole thing. Um, and we've gotten really good at
making a nice cheese plate. And there's wine and usually
horror movies because of course. But uh, some of the
cheeses I like on my cheeseboard are I like a Brie,
I like a Kuda, a groy air, a sharp cheddar,
(28:45):
and a goat cheese. Then I like cucumbers and sir racha. Yes, yes,
but my friends, so I bring that and some wine.
My friends will bring like what I would call fancy
or cheese. Is so they really like espresso, cheese wine. Jesus,
is that sarace love love love, yes, yes, and it's
(29:10):
a lovely, lovely time. Um. And then I have another
friend group where unfortunately I've only made it to this
friend's giving once, but they do a friends giving wreath
where you right what you what you wish or want
in the coming year. And two of my best friends, um,
(29:31):
one of them wrote, you know, I'm going to marry
this person on the wreath and they got married. Yeah, yeah,
I do. I appreciate little things like that, traditions that
we make with our friends, right yeah. And then I
(29:52):
wanted to mention this because somebody, a listener wrote in
about this and I'm so sorry, I can't remember your name,
and I think this was a wild back so I
couldn't find it. Um. But what they do, or at
least one time they did a time where everyone brought
in like their favorite foods, our foods from their family
or like their history, and in that way you would
(30:15):
just get this very interesting like spread of foods from
all over and maybe things you've never tried before, and
it sounded like such a lovely thing. And she said
the idea was from the movie Signs, where I don't know,
at the end of the movie, I guess they think
they're going to die. Maybe they sort of have a
last meal. They like, what do you want? What's the
thing you want? But I like that idea. I like
(30:39):
the idea of just like, let's make it really whatever
it is, doesn't have to coordinate at all. The luck Yeah, yeah,
my friends are more on the Google uh so that
we have to make sure and I'm using like cookies, wine,
You're welcome. I didn't make a baked mac and cheese
(31:00):
one time. It was pretty good, yea for our friends
stuff we don't have. I've been trying to get in
on this cheese giving. I've still not been invited. Anyway.
My other friends, we've we've done a lot of different things,
and typically, like I said, we do a Google doc spreadsheet.
But one thing that has changed as of late. My
friends are ridiculously funny and smart and tech savvy. I
am not. They make fun of me all the time
(31:22):
because I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna send this gift and
it turns out to be a video and they can't play,
and they're like why. I'm like, don't start with me.
And I was like, they would just do a whole
rolling gift back and forth and I couldn't participate. So
I'll just send a link essentially, and they would find
that hilarious. But because they are the East Geniuses, my
good friends are the same sex. A couple I was
(31:43):
telling about who who pretty much just like Hosts Extraordinaire.
One of them have gotten to the like meme stuff,
so they will do bring your favorite means and do
crafts to make a mean tree, and they've done it
for two years straight. Last year, of course, I think
they just sent pictures, but that was kind of the
idea behind what they were doing, So bring your favorite
memes and I was like, I don't know, I'm not
(32:06):
I'm not, I'm not um and I just popped up
and showed up. But that's one of the traditions that
they do. And I was like, Oh, that makes that's cute.
I like that. So they helped decorate the tree beforehand
and that's there the tree, and I'm like yeah, and
then of course we did the white Elephant. Do silly
gifts anything in this part, so like typically people do
(32:27):
really good silly gifts every now and then you get
the really big things. They're like, why did you okay
take it, like gift cards out of know where. I'm like, yeah, okay,
I have taken like but the nerf guns as a
president and all that. So, but that that's the kind
of traditions that they typically do, and we typically do
on that note, and then just sit and then whoever
falls asleep first, and it's like they get stuff stacked
(32:47):
onto them. Yeah, yeah, well funny, funnily enough, I usually
fall asleep first that she's giving because it's as little
as I sleep. I have a window and I if
I'm tired and I can fall asleep in that window,
especially if there's wine and cheese involved, I will fall asleep.
(33:09):
So I probably have like four or five pictures of
that someone has taken while I must sleep at cheese
giving every time typically and and surprisingly it's not me.
Now the last two years I've gotten really bad about
falling asleep because of drinks, and I'm like I'm done,
I'm over it. But usually will sneak away so you
can't find me. I don't intend to. It just happens suddenly.
(33:35):
But yeah, I like that, like the meme tree crafts.
That's a fun that's a fun idea. So I know
we were going to give recipes and then for the
whole Life of Me, I forgot which one I was
gonna give. But one thing that I believe I've talked
about before on this show. Over on the other show
I do Savor, which is all about food and drink.
We did an episode once on ambrosia, which was one
(33:58):
of my favorite episodes we've ever ever done because it
could literally be almost anything. It's it escapes definition recipe.
I feel like you shared one last year. Yes, so
that is one that it's super easy and if if
you're looking for, because I think I also show I
shared the sweet potato castrole one and chocolate pie, which
(34:21):
are heavier, heavier things. But my version of ambrosia is
pretty much like juice, whichever like if you like orange
juice or orange pineapple juice, I would just stick with
orange pineapple pineapple and it could be fresh or you
could get it already cut. And then oranges and coconut,
(34:43):
which you can also take the risk on a fresh coconut.
You can get the shredded coconut um and pecans and
that's just put them in a container and it's fruit soup. Yeah.
So like I'm like, is that jello? People would do
it with jello? To most people do it with jello
or Marshalls. I've never heard of this. It's not what
my ambrosia is. Yeah, I've seen the cloudy looking ones
(35:06):
and I'm like, what is what is happening? So I
don't trust ambrosia. I'm not gonna lie. I don't know
what you put into it. Now, I know what you
put into now, I know what you put into it.
But I'm like, is this just the fruit cups frozen? Well?
Usually it's it's much nicer, it's fresher, and I like
(35:28):
the touch of the pecans. It's It's surprisingly popular among
my friend group because it is kind of a strange,
strangest thing that I make very Southern. Yes, But again,
when I was looking at when I was researching for
that episode on Ambrosia, I was like, people, do what
you know? One of my new traditions with my sister,
(35:48):
My sister has come upon a really great, and you
just tried this, you and your friend actually really great
chicken and dumpling recipe, and that's become kind of a
staple where she would bring it because my son I
of chicken and dumplings, and so I've been requesting it
for a while. And her daughter, her oldest daughter, really
loves chicken and dumplings. So it became a fan favorite
and she would bring it every year. And I'm hoping
(36:08):
that happens again, because no matter what, at least we
have chicken and dumplings. Whether I'm eating sandwiches and chicken
dumblings or one time lasagna and chicken and dumblings, we
have weird meals in my house. I'm just kidding. My
mother's trying. This is her way of trying to be adventurous,
and I think it's been adorable. Actually, So my new,
our new little tradition is having more chicken and dumplings.
(36:30):
And you had it super easy. Which I had a
whole conversation with Holly from Stuff You miss in History
Class and Criminalia about her ideal of chicken and dumplings,
and it was super interesting about the differences. And I
do wonder what other people's recipes are because I go
into the soupy with thick dumplings that stick to the
(36:53):
roof of your mouth type of dumplings with chunks of
white chicken breast, no veggies where those veggies coming from?
That's the meal. But I think for chicken and dumplings,
and honestly, it's probably top five meal for me. So
I do wonder because it is to me. Now it's
become a Thanksgiving tradition. I do wonder. I have another
question for you all, what are everybody's thoughts on ticka
(37:14):
and dumplings? Because I talked with you for a second
and with Lauren about maybe I should come on and
talk about much again a polades because I would think,
and it's not mine, it's my sister, so I can't
claim it, but I do make it. But yeah, that's
one of our traditions. And I it's also a very
Southern because I figured out my partner, even though he's
from the South, never had it until I made it.
(37:35):
I'm like, well you did in Georgia as a teenager
and as a youth. I don't understand, right. I do
love those conversations where everybody has a different understanding of
what the same thing is right, and that was actually
um one of the friends giving episodes on Friends they Had,
Monica was trying to make everybody's favorite thing and it
(37:55):
was like four different types of potatoes, fashed potatoes, and
just how people thought it should taste and what it
should be. Yeah. Yeah, So listeners, let us know your
thoughts on chicken in deathlings. If you have any recipes
you want to try, please send them our way. If
you have any traditions you want to share UM. If
you're celebrating friends giving any of the upcoming holidays, we
(38:18):
hope that you have a safe and lovely time. We
always love hearing from you. You can emails the stuff
you Nedia moul Stuff at i heart media dot com.
You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
or on Instagram. That Stuff I've Never told you. Thanks,
It's always you are super producer, Christina. Thank you, Christina,
and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never told
youse prodiction of I Heart Radio for more podcast on
my heart Radio, is it the iHeart Radio app, Apple
(38:40):
podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows
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