April 3, 2019 • 41 mins
In the second part of our examination of trauma, we look at what trauma looks and feels like.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and you're listening to Stephane. Never
told you to day. We are going to pick up
on our discussion around trauma that that warranted a two
(00:27):
part episode, and this is the second part before we
dive in UM. Just to reiterate the trigger warnings for this,
there's sexual assaults, abuse, self harming, and suicidal ideation trauma itself,
So please please keep in mind your mental health before
deciding to listen. So let's get right into it. So
(00:50):
let's talk about re traumatization because during this era of
me to hashtag, me to hashta apologies, I am not
dlugged in. Don't forget the hashtag. It's important. I'm not
plugged into the youth and the social media's. But so yeah,
(01:10):
we're bombarded with stories of sexual assault virtually everywhere, and
that means that re traumatization is a concern. And Sam
said defines re traumatization as quote reliving stress reactions experienced
as results of a traumatic event when faced with a
new similar incident. And I can say for me personally,
(01:33):
when I found out someone else in my family this
relation UM was being sexually abused as a child, it
was massively re traumatizing For me, I cleared out no
one but too parties with epic, epic panic attacks, including
a New Year's Eve party. Hence they're reluctance to go
out on New Year's Eve. I really make a massive
(01:55):
New Year's parties. And re traumatization can cause a loss
of trust, increase of intrusive memories, nightmares and flashbacks, decrease
and willingness to seek treatment, re experiencing of emotions or
symptoms from the original trauma, increase in rates of PTSD
or chronic depression. And this was also something that a
(02:16):
lot of people experienced during the recent as we record
this semi recent Kavanaugh hearing, and um, thank you to everyone,
all of your listeners who wrote in checking on me
during that event. It really meant a lot to me.
But it's not just the coverage that we have to
think about. It's the social media post demeaning, diminishing, legitimizing, degrading, doubting,
(02:39):
not serious enough, not recent enough, right, there's so many
accusations of wanting fame or trying to just overall right
good man over the coals essentially, which is upsurt in itself,
and they kind of forget because all they hear is
the big new and the dramatization of things that it
(03:02):
cost a lot for the individual to come out. Christine Ford,
who came out and told the story, she had so
many death threats, as we know, and she had so
many attackers, men and women, which is the most absurd
thing in the world talking about she's just seeking out fame,
She's just trying to put drama in this moment. Blah
(03:23):
blah blah, all these different things that were absolutely untrue,
and she gave up a part of her life for this,
essentially by coming out to talk about the trauma that
she tried to forget so long ago. And honestly, during
this time, because of the situations I had Caroline from
the previous of mom never told you slash unladylike now,
(03:44):
she actually reached out to me and asked me how
I was doing because she understood that I was often
triggered by some of these stories in itself. I think
she and I had that conversation of I know this
is important, but it's hard for me to see. I
know these stories need to be told, but it's hard
for me to digest. It's kind of the same thing
where there are movies that are very serious. Um, Precious
(04:05):
was the one I literally had almost all my friends
they don't watch this because they knew how it would
affect me and how we just kind of spiral. This
is kind of why I refused to watch movies along
those lines, because I have to be able to step
away from that because of the job that I'm in,
And I think it's important that we're okay with not
(04:30):
having to plummet into this cycle of all these other stories.
These other stories are very very important and it should
not be lessen in any way, shape or form, and
it should be told. But we also again for myself
and for other victims like yourselves, I'm sure we have
to know when's the cap? Where where is it going
(04:50):
to push us over the edge? Yeah, you need to
have boundaries and yeah, the whole Christine Blazy fourth thing, Um,
I just it was bad. It was bad for a
lot of people. A lot of people wrote in And
I was in a lift and um, we were discussing
it with me and my friends, my female friends, and
(05:11):
the male lifts driver was like, why did she read
so long to come forward? I find that very suspicious
and it caused this huge, this huge thing, and we're
not going to go too much into that in this
episode because we do have an episode on up coming
on the cost of coming forward and of not coming forward.
(05:33):
But just like things like that, like I'm just trying
to go to a restaurant and this guy interjecting and
being immediately like, oh, I don't I don't believe her.
It was difficult. Another thing that can cause re traumatization
is actually therapy, especially during your first session. And if
(05:59):
I go back to my first therapy session, I left
it in emotional wreck. I felt totally out of control.
I felt powerless. I was shocked at how like trying
to describe what ostensibly to me it was painful, but
at least I'd come to terms with it left me
this I too. It is therapy is raw um. It
(06:24):
leaves you raw. It leaves you feeling helpless because you
are being very vulnerable about what where you were victimized
and when you were victimized and have to relive those
moments and have to try to swim through the worst
parts to come out okay and on the better side.
And for me, the last therapy sessions I had, which
was a couple of years ago were so intense. I
(06:46):
would literally not do anything that night because I knew
I just could not function. It brought me back to
that same place of, oh my gosh, I feel weak,
Oh my gosh, I feel vulnerable, Oh my gosh, this
feels too real, and I don't know what to do.
And for me, we often times didn't even get to
go to the history of my abuse because we had
(07:08):
to focus on the re traumatization I was going through
from my work, whether it's other kids who are being
abused or kids who are dying. It just was a
constant thing that it was so hard to get to
the root of everything else. And it was, for like
a year and a half, a constant reminder of Okay,
you put your you put yourself in this place, and
(07:28):
because of your work, where are you now, and how
are we get through this moment, your immediate moment to
make sure you're okay to um, all right, let's go
to the deep roots of where you're truly hurting. And again,
for me, who have repressed memories for so many years,
trying to dig those up means I have to dig
(07:50):
up the emotions first, and no one wants to fill
that again. Let's just be honest. Because you do, you
become very almost like emotionally physically sick. For me, I
couldn't eat as which is one of those signs for me,
I didn't want to talk to people. But it got
to the point because I knew I was getting there,
I would call my one of three people that I
(08:11):
had on my margency list to come and sit with me.
There will be no conversation, there would be nothing other
than they just sat there with me, which is what
I needed. And it was because I was having to
unearth so many things. And I would say that I'm
kind of a pro when it comes to therapy because
you know, I've been going for over twenty years now.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Uh. But There's been
(08:34):
definitely many different types of therapy that I've gone through,
whether it's brain mapping, CBT, UM trauma, even religious avenues
when I was in that mind frame, and I think
all of them were advantageous to a certain extent because
it did get me through the next point, if that
(08:55):
makes sense, And it may not have been an indoll
And let's be very honest, therapy is not an end
all and much like any mental health. Oftentimes it is
going to be constant, it's gonna be chronic, it's not
going to be ever cured. And you have to remember
that because no matter how strong or how far you
come along, you still have things that you need to
(09:15):
talk about, You still have things that you need support for.
And I think it's really important to remember even though
this is really ugly, this is really painful. Yeah, you
have to keep going because it does in the end
help you or at least give you a plan how
to handle these situations. Yeah. Yeah, And I don't mean
to keep harping on this point, but we we we
(09:37):
have a future episode on therapy and finding a good
therapist because it's not always easy, unfortunately, and it's kind
of scary, it is. It's very intimidating, especially here in
the US. I mean in a lot of countries, but
I can speak to you in the U S when
assurance plays into things. But all of this we're talking about,
like retraumonization, social media. This is why trigger warnings are important.
(10:02):
And here I want to reiterate why this is an
important factor for social media. Post TV content and listening
content such as radio slash podcast is not just about
making things more difficult or dramatic. It's not a kitchy word,
it's not a trend. This is a way of protecting
someone's mental health and emotions so they can continue in
(10:22):
a constructive routine. This is not about being a fat
and I need I need people to understand this because
everybody's like trigger warnings, trigger warnings. We're not talking about
the fact that these are sad, pathetic people who need
to be coddled. We're talking about the things that that
have happened to them which caused trauma, which we should
(10:45):
be able to live day to day without having to
be reminded. Yeah, just like everybody else, you don't want
to hear our stories. We honestly don't want to hear
our stories either. No, no, we'd rather have not gone
through them. But you know, um, and as I've set
up before on the show, I have realized that social
media was not is not a good thing for me,
(11:07):
and I've set up pretty strict rules about when I'll
interact with it, both personally and professionally. Doggy videos all
day long, That's what I was. The Dodo, I don't
I don't you know, it has so many animal videos
makes me so happy, perfect so happy people. Look that
up if you're looking for something to cheer you up.
(11:28):
So we have some more for you listeners, but first
we're going to pause for a quick break for a
word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsor.
So treating trauma, the first step for treatment is diagnosis
(11:52):
from a professional who may or may not prescribe medications
more for the treatment of symptoms, probably like anxiety or
to depression. UM treatment might also involve, like you're seeing Samantha's,
CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is what CBT stands for,
expressure therapy, eye movement, dissinsitation, and reprocessing. A professional will
(12:14):
help you come up with a treatment plan that might
involve all of these things. A lot of professionals recommend
exercise where possible, something that is rhythmic and involves mindfulness.
Also commonly recommended is avoiding isolation. Doesn't mean you have
to discuss your trauma, but just putting yourself in social events,
our activities even you don't want to is something that suggested,
(12:37):
or like you were saying, Samanth, you have these three
people that will just sit with you. That's great, as
an introvert, I don't necessarily want to be in a crowd,
but having people that I trust just being around, I
know that's important. Yeah, it's important to have someone they're
knowing that cares for you. Yes. Um, And it's great
if you because I've been that person for someone else.
It's great just like telling them sometimes I might reach
(13:00):
out to you and this is what I need when
I do, like before you reach the point of oh
my god, I need someone, like maybe have that conversation
of would you be okay if when I am in
a bad spot right? Can I just contact you and
we can just hang out? And that's exactly the three
people that I reach out too often. I don't think
(13:21):
I have four except she's in once in England. Does
she really count? Um? But they know exactly when I'm
coming for help, that I really need help, and we've
discussed what I need and essentially it's fairly easy just
be there. Yeah, And it's great like to have that
conversation beforehand, before it's like an emergency situation, so people know, um,
(13:41):
and I can say personally being active was majorly helpful
for me. I know that's an option for everyone listening,
but for me, like just going outside and getting sunlight
and being active. Right, I do that too. For me,
I need to exercise, and it may not necessarily be
just exercise. Part of my EXPERI eises dancing with a
group cardio jams, what it's called DeMarco Atlantic Station. Just say, um,
(14:06):
he's fantastic. I love them. But I also got a
group of people who are we're able to support me
in a way that it's just fun, that where they
may not know my whole history, but we all come
together from one purpose and it's fun. And I think
that's that's part of the importance of like, yes, this
is part of my outing. I get to come here,
sweat a little bit and get to meet new people
(14:28):
and who don't necessarily know my trauma and that's kind
of nice too, exactly. And if you are experiencing trauma
or a flashback, there are a couple of things you
can do. Um and the best thing, especially with a flashback,
is to try to ground yourself in the present. There's
something called the five three to one exercise. So this
(14:50):
goes you describe five things that you currently see, Describe
four things you feel right now. For example, my sweater
or the pencil in my hand. Describe three things you
can hear, Describe two things you can smell right now
or smells in general, and then describe one good thing
about yourself. So just try to like focus on these
(15:13):
physical things around you that you can actually Yeah, that
makes a lot of sense. And I know you're gonna
get to that about bare foot on the floor. I
definitely had those moments of like being grounded. Yes, And
and perhaps you and I um have taken it into
an unhealthy realm where I was bruising myself and you
were scratching your That's essentially what we were trying to do.
(15:33):
We were trying to ground ourselves in the president. Another
thing is calling a friend, yes, which I do, Uh huh,
taking a shower, yeah, move around, rub your bare feet
on the floor, and meditation right And for me this
has been a kind of a newer thing. When I
say meditation, I'm not necessarily talking about a Buddhist or
Hindu practice. I'm talking about where you become aware of
(15:56):
your environment. There's different sites that we go on. My
favorite is calm. It's a fantastic There's a woman named
Tamara Levitt who has the most calming voice. I've really
heard you know what, any you have a really calming
voice as well, So I'm not gonna lie. I may
come on to the podcast just to hear your voice
to calm me down. Thank you. You know easy going.
(16:19):
I didn't pay her to say that. He's gonna pay
me to stay on. I have heard that for more
than one person, and I'm happy to just do a
podcast where I just say bland things if it helps
anyonebout we do. Like Dr SEUs swims, I want to
read my fan fiction. No, your fan fiction is sad.
(16:40):
We already know this, but we need no voice. I
don't want Harry Potter to die. I don't. I don't
know why I wrote it. Anyway, If we're talking about
self medication and that that is turning to things like
drugs or alcohol and so from the US government found
(17:01):
that twenty five percent of people that experienced trauma before
the age of sixteen, the rates of alcohol and drug
adiction are much higher for them compared to the rest
of the population. More women than men are seeking treatment
for our substance abuse have experienced a trauma in their lifetime.
Um and that is an example of not healthily treating
(17:24):
it um and again, yeah, we're gonna talk about that later,
which is just while we're talking about trauma, PTSD and
the typical that's what you see with a lot of
veterans is um the self medication as well as the
fact and we're not really talking about this. Healthcare does
not cover a lot for medication and or minimally does so,
(17:47):
which is a travesty in itself. Let's just be real honest,
and we can't properly treat and or sometimes with a misdiagnosis,
we treat and improperly with the wrong medications. So we
know we have pretty strong narcotics out there, Class four
drugs which are fairly illegal. When I say that, opiates
(18:08):
and those things, yes, opiates and those things, um, we've
all heard of themis opis, oh my goodness. And all
of those benzoids and opiates which are fairly highly addictive
caused for our huge problems as well. And that's a
whole conversation in itself. And we know at this point,
(18:28):
well it's kind of changed around. Heroin has come back
up recently, but for the long while, opiates were more
likely used and abused more so than some of the
illegal drugs out there and more readily prescribed. Right. Um,
there is something I wanted to talk about before we
ended this episode called trauma informed response. So some schools
(18:49):
and organizations are adopting what is called this trauma informed response,
and particularly it's happening in youth serving organizations. And this
involved of realizing and understanding the scope of trauma, being
able to recognize the impact of trauma not only on
an individual, but also a staff and a community responding
(19:09):
with understanding and providing support and not putting people in
re traumatizing situations unnecessary. Right. And I will say for
us within the social work field, in the government specifically
juvenal area, we have adopted the trauma and formed response
in the sense of trauma evaluations UM. Trauma assessments are
(19:32):
being used to see exactly how we can help kiss,
which is a little more intensive and a little more personal,
and it goes beyond the normal mental health assessments because
you start digging into the whole picture, which is beyond
the oh does he have suicidal adeation? Oh is their
mental health in their family? So it's become a little
(19:52):
more more UM used at this time. But for me
as a worker, not so much. Yeah, it's not so
much to use. We do have services that allow us
to get some type of counseling for emergency situations, but
it's limited, very limited, and with limited amount of times
(20:14):
as well. So I'll say, for the workers were behind,
but for evaluating the clients we're getting up, there must
state of Georgia. That's the state of Georgia, UM, and
it is a tall order to get this. Experts suggest
staff training, reducing triggering events, creating and maintaining a safe
(20:34):
work environment, considering trauma and all policies and plans, and
listening to people. That just seems basic, but yeah, okay,
listening to people and empowering them in their work. And
this is a relatively new idea, so it's hard to
say how effective this is, but it is one option.
I do think that we talked about recently UM about
(20:56):
American Disability Association and how a lot of disabilities are
invisible and you can get some kind of consideration for them,
but people don't know that. So I think trauma is
one of those PTSD and c PTSD is something that
you can go to your boss for and by law,
(21:20):
they are supposed to provide considerations for you. And I'm
not saying whether or not it works, how big the
compliance rate is. I'm saying that that is technically a
thing that should happen. And this is another thing that
comes up a lot when you're talking about social workers,
and a kind of went over it already, But oftentimes
(21:44):
we are supposed to be jack of all traits, so
no a little of everything, and that would include being
able to care for yourself. And I think it's slowly
coming around. Um. Up until recently, people didn't realize that
there wasn't such thing as social work. So having that
come to the forefront, I think honestly, teachers are in
(22:05):
the same boat the things that they have to deal
with with their individual students, with the things that they
get victimized by, whether it's the parents who come after
them or does a child who comes after them. They're
not receiving any of these services either. So you've got
to look at what our community sees as necessary if
(22:30):
that makes sense, and right now it's fiscally we want
to help the victims, slash the clients first, which is
why we have such a high turnover. And I know
you talked about that about in the nonprofit world and
the burnout, but it is part of the reasons because
we don't actually care enough for the providers and the workers.
(22:50):
Yeah and they and I want to keep bringing my mom,
but I love her, and she was a she was
a special worker. And remember being younger and hearing her
talk about her day at work and just thinking, oh
my god, that sounds so difficult. I'm definitely the Debbie
(23:12):
Downer of the group when people ask me, how did
your day go, and I'm like, Terran, yeah, and I
do want to say my mom was never like hey,
eight year old Annie. No, it was just kind of
I would hear in passing um. And then as I
got older and you know, we become more on an
even keel. I would ask her and she would tell me,
(23:34):
and just the thing she she did when she was
my age and younger. I I'm just constantly like, wow,
I can't believe you you did that, and you mention
it as if it's passing. I love my mom. That's good. Anyway,
(23:57):
we do have some resources for you if there's someone
that you suspect is dealing with trauma, or if you
suspect after hearing all of this, maybe you are dealing
with trauma. The n I m H advises that you
listen attentively. UM. This is more for someone if you're
listening to someone who has trauma, but also to yourself.
(24:17):
You can listen to yourself and you always need to
keep your mental health in mind as you're listening to
someone that stand with trauma. UM, encourage them to seek
professional help if that's an option for them. Unfortunately it's
not always, but if it is an option, encourage it.
Encourage them to take direct action to deal with their
stress where they can, because it will make them feel
(24:39):
less helpless UM and more powerful in their situation. And
remind them it takes time. It's not a straight line.
There will be highs and lows. I know people are
tired of hearing it, but it's true. Things get better. Man.
Let's just again we had all right. There's no cure. No,
there's no such thing as cure for trauma, but there's
(25:02):
coping mechanisms and that's important. Yes, and if possible, if
you have a support group, I hope you do. If
you don't, we're here, but I am really lonely. She's
called me. She pictures ready to go of her dog
out of her. But I mean, I guess if you
do have them, but they're all usually me double chin
(25:22):
looking really goofy. If you want those pictures, you actually
every time you come to the office, you take a picture,
and it's pretty spectacular because our office policy requires it.
It's not like a thing she does. I'm also they're
they're pretty scared of me, Like, let's keep a table
on this girl so we can make sure to get
rid of her when we can. Jak um. But yeah,
I have some great double chin pictures of me dancing around. Yeah,
(25:44):
we're not even I don't exaggerating is not the right word,
but like, we're here if you need us. But um,
if you have support group, reach out to them. Um
avoid making major life decisions. And I just want to
put in here because I did a massive episode on
(26:04):
fan fiction while back. Yeah, it was a two partern
and it wasn't meant to be a two partner. It
turned into a two parter. I think I could give
a dissertation on fan fiction. That's amazing. I actually talked
about it every time Marvel comes up, because there's a
whole related thing, but I won't get into it. It's
like Doctor Who thing as well in Lord of the Ring.
(26:25):
Oh my god. The first fan fiction I ever printed
out was the Lord of the Rings fan fiction. It
was seventy d So anyway, I I read a lot
of fan fiction. I have and I continue to. I'm
not ashamed to admit it, but um, when I was younger,
my jam was someone someone saves Harry Potter from his relatives.
(26:49):
Any innervation of it, I loved it. I've read all
of it, um and I actually I'm kind of embarrassed
to admit this, but I dream about it sometimes. I
dream that I am the person that rescues Harry Potter
from his prelatives. I mean, if we want to put
a downer out there, slash because that's what I do.
Let's be really honest. Harry Potter and the things that
(27:10):
he went through as a child, he should not be
as healthy as he is. I like to think I'm
Harry Potter, though, do you really think you're that healthy?
But was he No, exactly, but he was, Well this
is a whole thing, right, But I mean he should
be slinging pooh, his own pooh, Like that's the level
(27:31):
he shouldn't be, you know. I like to think him
and I wanted someone to rescue him, because someone to
rescue and that's fair, that's a whole different level. But
he literally did not have a positive influence at all
in his life until he was eleven. At eleven, and
(27:51):
that causes and again that rabbit hole about attachment issues,
and we can talk about that, but I won't. Potters
is gorgeous and I not. Physically, I think of the
story hardcore with Harry Potter. I can't explain it. I
can explain it every time we've met up. She's wearing
Harry Potter gear. That's actually not a lie, unfortunately or not.
(28:16):
She's telling the my mom gave me a lot of
Harry Potter stuff for Christmas, and I'm wearing it. There's
a couple more things we have to discuss, but first
we're going to take one more quick break forward from
our sponsor, h We're back, Thank you sponsor. Before we
(28:41):
wrap up, I did when I talk about the shift
that I've had recently and how I view my personal
traumatic events, because I have for a long time viewed
it as a weakness, and during the height of my abuse,
every day I struggled to something I called the problem
of a closed door. And actually that has roots to
(29:02):
a hair butter fan fiction. I won't go into that
right now, but it does. So the two men that
abuse me, they would invite me to watch movies with
them every night in my family's upstairs din, and I knew,
in one way or another I was going to be hurt.
I would be worse if I didn't go. And between
the den and my room was my little brother's room,
(29:24):
and all of our rooms were on the second level.
So to not wake my little brother, I would go
down a set of these creeky stairs, through the living room,
through the kitchen, and up another flight of creepy, creepy, creepy,
creepy and creaky stairs, and I could see the door
to the upstairs den, where I knew these abusures were
(29:44):
waiting from the foot of the stairs, and I could
hear them laughing. And I would slowly walk up the stairs,
and I was petrified, and I would try not to
make a sound in case like maybe I'd changed my mind,
so they wouldn't know I was there. My knees would
be shaking. I would stare at the door. I would
try to make myself open it. I would stand there,
and I would think, I'm so weak, I'm so pathetic,
(30:07):
so let this happen again and again, to be so afraid.
But every night I found something in me. I found
the strength to open that closed door. And it wasn't
until recently that that's I realized that's what it was.
It was strength, that was courage um. But I closed
myself off for a long time. I couldn't separate myself
(30:28):
from these traumatic events. I defined myself through these traumatic events,
and even when I was out of that abusive situation,
I still faced the problem of the closed door. Some
days I have the strength to open that door, to
let people in, to make myself vulnerable. Some days I don't.
That's what healing is. It is not a straight line.
(30:50):
It is healing, and you're absolutely correct, there's no straight
line when it comes to healing and therefore, honestly, no fixal.
This is why self medication is often used, and it's
used consistently. The idea of not having to deal is
so appealing to pretend like it never happened, and unfortunately
we are asked by society to not deal with it
(31:10):
and to not acknowledge that it happened, because it makes
people uncomfortable, you know what, Thank you. We are not
here to make you comfortable with the trauma that has
been imposed on us. We should not have to feel
shame for something that we didn't choose. We should not
have to feel shame for someone violating our rights, violating
our love, and violating our trust. If you truly want
(31:34):
to be an ally slash, if those around us truly
want to be an ally, they would not shut us down. Yea.
And those who do who are uncomfortable are not true.
Allies get comfortable with being uncomfortable, right, And that's absolutely
what it is. People want to talk about feminism and
strength and and empowering, but they don't want to talk
(31:56):
about the ugly side of what you have to go
through to be empowered. Yeah. And I think when it
comes down to it, to be vulnerable cost survivors more
than the spectators. It just honestly does. For us to
be honest, to let you see some of the weakest
and darkest moments of our lives, that costs us so
(32:17):
much more than you know. And that means that we
trust you in some form or we're ready to move
forward in advocating for others. We're not doing this for ourselves.
Ms Ford was not doing this for herself. She was
doing this to protect the United States of America, which
she should and unfortunately she got dragged over the coals
for it. And that's ridiculous. This is not how society
(32:41):
should be. But is yeah, yeah, and um, these episodes
are are not easy or as and I know they're
not easy for you for you listening. Um, and that's
why we try to end and so UM some talk
about what we're doing, some self care stuff before we
(33:05):
go into that, I do want to say, Um, we've
been talking a lot about upcoming episodes. Um, we're gonna
be looking in depth at coping mechanisms or bad coping
mechanisms and specifically therapy, and we're going to be looking
at survivors and what it means to be a survivor
(33:25):
and advocacy. But the next episode, because these past two
have been pretty difficult for us, and I imagine for you,
will be a little bit of a letter side. We
meant it for We meant for it to be on
the letter side, but then it kind of ballooned out
to something else. But it's gonna be looking at sex
women and society, and we're going to be digging about
(33:48):
masturbation and sexualization and liking sex, what women don't like sex.
Some mentha, ridiculous. You don't know me. Um, but uh,
in terms of what we're doing in self care, I
just want to say that this episode was really difficult,
(34:10):
and we did break it up into we broke up
writing it into more than one day. We even talked
about it a little bit in our last episode. Um,
we're just trying to be very aware of taking care
of ourselves. And I spoke about the last episode that
(34:33):
I was going to watch Spider Man three, and I
have an update for everyone. I did watch Spider Man three,
not once, but twice because I really wanted to get
a good opinion on it. In my best it's not good,
but it's not as bad as everyone says. It is
a non opinion. I think it was better than everyone
(34:56):
led me to believe, but it wasn't a good movie anyway.
For the D and D fact of the episode. So
I've said before, I got into playing Dungeons and Dragons
as official medical advice to deal with my c PTSD,
but I also did it t help me figure out
the ending to something I was writing. And my D
(35:19):
n D character is based on a character from a
book that I wrote, and I would describe her as
she She is my trauma personified. She's not me per se,
but she's like trauma um and I wanted to play
her because she's a mess and I love her, but
I couldn't figure out how her story ends. And I
(35:41):
have to tell you. Playing her as a character, I
immediately knew how her story is. She dies. She dies,
of course she dies. You killed Harry Potter. Good gosh,
how to shake my head on this one? I killed
Harry Potter and my epics seventy two chapter Harry Potter
fan fiction. I'm still disappointed, and by that announcement during
(36:01):
our New Year's I mean I put him through terrible
things and then I killed him. I didn't give him
any happiness anyway. So maybe this is a spoiler alert
because I do hope to publish it one day. But
as I played her, I knew in my heart immediately
she dies, and I was taken her back because it
(36:22):
was like, I guess I knew this all along, but
I hadn't been willing to acknowledge it, and it got
me to thinking if she dies, I get to live
right right. Essentially, what you are doing is killing off
the trauma that holds wait over you. So yeah, I
get it. I still can't believe you just kill off everybody,
(36:43):
but I get it. I get it. Is that her
name to the beginning died so for me? Uh, you
guys have already heard about my amazing dog, peg Scorchud mcfussen.
I will say I got her due to my anxiety
in her being dick. It's kind of a great I did.
(37:06):
I had to do clothes because I mean she it's
true because she's a great distractor and we'll actually get
me out of the house whether I want to or not.
She does help me focus a little bit. I also
make her wear socks, but that's only when she's too crazy.
Like I have tried everything, Melatonin, been a drill, natural
(37:26):
dog stuff, all the dog stuff. So don't dog shame me.
I know not all dogs like clothes, and my dog
does not like clothes. Also, it's really funny to watch
her not being able to walk in socks. It does
bring me a little bit of joy. Taped. I just
made a weird crazy voice, didn't I? Um, But I
mean she's crazy, right. Oh yeah, I want to say crazy.
(37:50):
I mean jumping up and down, peeing when she meets strangers. Crazy. Yeah,
she did give me a bloody lip. I still feel
like she you know, you just try to kiss her
too hard. That could be true, And actually that happened
the night we conceived this many true was like the
blood seal up, that's what we're doing. Just has granted
(38:13):
his Yeah, she was like, we must complete the deal.
One thing we wanted to do um at the end
of these episodes with our self care bit is include
our super producer Andrew, whom you have heard us think
at the end of episodes. Um. But like I said,
I remember being on the other side as an editor
(38:36):
of the show and it being really tough. So we
wanted to include Andrew and the self care bit. So
so here he is, Hey, listeners, this is producer Andrew.
Usually go the way of the silent producer. Are you
Jerry see the occasional sneeze or what have you? But
(38:57):
and he asked me if I'd like to be part
of this little self help a bit, and I figured
why not. Generally my go to for personal care as music,
whether that's listening to records, going to shows, or performing.
I don't think I've ever had a bad time at
a concert before, especially when you go in without expectations,
say for a performer you don't know particularly well, you're
(39:19):
just recommended the show by a friend turns out to
be one of the best shows you've seen in a while.
And then also, obviously performing music is uh one of
the most therapeutic things I know of, at least for me,
especially playing with friends and also playing with people who
you just met. It's a great way to connect with
(39:41):
otherwise total strangers in a very relaxing kind of way. Also,
playing music by yourself is also really nice too, just
without any real intent of writing a song or performing,
just doing it for yourself can be really good. But
other than music, I'm a big fan of good old
solitude every now and again. Obviously I enjoy company, I
(40:04):
enjoy going out, but I need at least one night
a week of solitude. Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I daydream.
I consider myself a reflective person and benefit from taking
time to step back and be mindful of what's been
going on in my life. If any of you listeners
(40:26):
have any questions, please send them our way. If you
have them, someone else probably has them, and we'd love
to answer them on air. We're thinking about doing a
Q and A episode at the end of all of this,
and we're also planning possibly if enough people show some
interest and you get together in person to talk about
all of this stuff, so keep a lookout for more
(40:49):
details on that. Thanks as always to Samantha and comes
hang with me. I'm so lonely. I'll sing you a song,
she will see you a song, and she's also the
best up and thanks to you for listening. If you
would like to write to as, you can or email
(41:11):
his mom Stuff at how stuff works dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast and
on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as
always to our producer Andrew Howard. Thanks to you for listening.
Hey, this is Annie and you're listening to Stephane. Never
told you to day. We are going to pick up
on our discussion around trauma that that warranted a two
(00:27):
part episode, and this is the second part before we
dive in UM. Just to reiterate the trigger warnings for this,
there's sexual assaults, abuse, self harming, and suicidal ideation trauma itself,
So please please keep in mind your mental health before
deciding to listen. So let's get right into it. So
(00:50):
let's talk about re traumatization because during this era of
me to hashtag, me to hashta apologies, I am not
dlugged in. Don't forget the hashtag. It's important. I'm not
plugged into the youth and the social media's. But so yeah,
(01:10):
we're bombarded with stories of sexual assault virtually everywhere, and
that means that re traumatization is a concern. And Sam
said defines re traumatization as quote reliving stress reactions experienced
as results of a traumatic event when faced with a
new similar incident. And I can say for me personally,
(01:33):
when I found out someone else in my family this
relation UM was being sexually abused as a child, it
was massively re traumatizing For me, I cleared out no
one but too parties with epic, epic panic attacks, including
a New Year's Eve party. Hence they're reluctance to go
out on New Year's Eve. I really make a massive
(01:55):
New Year's parties. And re traumatization can cause a loss
of trust, increase of intrusive memories, nightmares and flashbacks, decrease
and willingness to seek treatment, re experiencing of emotions or
symptoms from the original trauma, increase in rates of PTSD
or chronic depression. And this was also something that a
(02:16):
lot of people experienced during the recent as we record
this semi recent Kavanaugh hearing, and um, thank you to everyone,
all of your listeners who wrote in checking on me
during that event. It really meant a lot to me.
But it's not just the coverage that we have to
think about. It's the social media post demeaning, diminishing, legitimizing, degrading, doubting,
(02:39):
not serious enough, not recent enough, right, there's so many
accusations of wanting fame or trying to just overall right
good man over the coals essentially, which is upsurt in itself,
and they kind of forget because all they hear is
the big new and the dramatization of things that it
(03:02):
cost a lot for the individual to come out. Christine Ford,
who came out and told the story, she had so
many death threats, as we know, and she had so
many attackers, men and women, which is the most absurd
thing in the world talking about she's just seeking out fame,
She's just trying to put drama in this moment. Blah
(03:23):
blah blah, all these different things that were absolutely untrue,
and she gave up a part of her life for this,
essentially by coming out to talk about the trauma that
she tried to forget so long ago. And honestly, during
this time, because of the situations I had Caroline from
the previous of mom never told you slash unladylike now,
(03:44):
she actually reached out to me and asked me how
I was doing because she understood that I was often
triggered by some of these stories in itself. I think
she and I had that conversation of I know this
is important, but it's hard for me to see. I
know these stories need to be told, but it's hard
for me to digest. It's kind of the same thing
where there are movies that are very serious. Um, Precious
(04:05):
was the one I literally had almost all my friends
they don't watch this because they knew how it would
affect me and how we just kind of spiral. This
is kind of why I refused to watch movies along
those lines, because I have to be able to step
away from that because of the job that I'm in,
And I think it's important that we're okay with not
(04:30):
having to plummet into this cycle of all these other stories.
These other stories are very very important and it should
not be lessen in any way, shape or form, and
it should be told. But we also again for myself
and for other victims like yourselves, I'm sure we have
to know when's the cap? Where where is it going
(04:50):
to push us over the edge? Yeah, you need to
have boundaries and yeah, the whole Christine Blazy fourth thing, Um,
I just it was bad. It was bad for a
lot of people. A lot of people wrote in And
I was in a lift and um, we were discussing
it with me and my friends, my female friends, and
(05:11):
the male lifts driver was like, why did she read
so long to come forward? I find that very suspicious
and it caused this huge, this huge thing, and we're
not going to go too much into that in this
episode because we do have an episode on up coming
on the cost of coming forward and of not coming forward.
(05:33):
But just like things like that, like I'm just trying
to go to a restaurant and this guy interjecting and
being immediately like, oh, I don't I don't believe her.
It was difficult. Another thing that can cause re traumatization
is actually therapy, especially during your first session. And if
(05:59):
I go back to my first therapy session, I left
it in emotional wreck. I felt totally out of control.
I felt powerless. I was shocked at how like trying
to describe what ostensibly to me it was painful, but
at least I'd come to terms with it left me
this I too. It is therapy is raw um. It
(06:24):
leaves you raw. It leaves you feeling helpless because you
are being very vulnerable about what where you were victimized
and when you were victimized and have to relive those
moments and have to try to swim through the worst
parts to come out okay and on the better side.
And for me, the last therapy sessions I had, which
was a couple of years ago were so intense. I
(06:46):
would literally not do anything that night because I knew
I just could not function. It brought me back to
that same place of, oh my gosh, I feel weak,
Oh my gosh, I feel vulnerable, Oh my gosh, this
feels too real, and I don't know what to do.
And for me, we often times didn't even get to
go to the history of my abuse because we had
(07:08):
to focus on the re traumatization I was going through
from my work, whether it's other kids who are being
abused or kids who are dying. It just was a
constant thing that it was so hard to get to
the root of everything else. And it was, for like
a year and a half, a constant reminder of Okay,
you put your you put yourself in this place, and
(07:28):
because of your work, where are you now, and how
are we get through this moment, your immediate moment to
make sure you're okay to um, all right, let's go
to the deep roots of where you're truly hurting. And again,
for me, who have repressed memories for so many years,
trying to dig those up means I have to dig
(07:50):
up the emotions first, and no one wants to fill
that again. Let's just be honest. Because you do, you
become very almost like emotionally physically sick. For me, I
couldn't eat as which is one of those signs for me,
I didn't want to talk to people. But it got
to the point because I knew I was getting there,
I would call my one of three people that I
(08:11):
had on my margency list to come and sit with me.
There will be no conversation, there would be nothing other
than they just sat there with me, which is what
I needed. And it was because I was having to
unearth so many things. And I would say that I'm
kind of a pro when it comes to therapy because
you know, I've been going for over twenty years now.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Uh. But There's been
(08:34):
definitely many different types of therapy that I've gone through,
whether it's brain mapping, CBT, UM trauma, even religious avenues
when I was in that mind frame, and I think
all of them were advantageous to a certain extent because
it did get me through the next point, if that
(08:55):
makes sense, And it may not have been an indoll
And let's be very honest, therapy is not an end
all and much like any mental health. Oftentimes it is
going to be constant, it's gonna be chronic, it's not
going to be ever cured. And you have to remember
that because no matter how strong or how far you
come along, you still have things that you need to
(09:15):
talk about, You still have things that you need support for.
And I think it's really important to remember even though
this is really ugly, this is really painful. Yeah, you
have to keep going because it does in the end
help you or at least give you a plan how
to handle these situations. Yeah. Yeah, And I don't mean
to keep harping on this point, but we we we
(09:37):
have a future episode on therapy and finding a good
therapist because it's not always easy, unfortunately, and it's kind
of scary, it is. It's very intimidating, especially here in
the US. I mean in a lot of countries, but
I can speak to you in the U S when
assurance plays into things. But all of this we're talking about,
like retraumonization, social media. This is why trigger warnings are important.
(10:02):
And here I want to reiterate why this is an
important factor for social media. Post TV content and listening
content such as radio slash podcast is not just about
making things more difficult or dramatic. It's not a kitchy word,
it's not a trend. This is a way of protecting
someone's mental health and emotions so they can continue in
(10:22):
a constructive routine. This is not about being a fat
and I need I need people to understand this because
everybody's like trigger warnings, trigger warnings. We're not talking about
the fact that these are sad, pathetic people who need
to be coddled. We're talking about the things that that
have happened to them which caused trauma, which we should
(10:45):
be able to live day to day without having to
be reminded. Yeah, just like everybody else, you don't want
to hear our stories. We honestly don't want to hear
our stories either. No, no, we'd rather have not gone
through them. But you know, um, and as I've set
up before on the show, I have realized that social
media was not is not a good thing for me,
(11:07):
and I've set up pretty strict rules about when I'll
interact with it, both personally and professionally. Doggy videos all
day long, That's what I was. The Dodo, I don't
I don't you know, it has so many animal videos
makes me so happy, perfect so happy people. Look that
up if you're looking for something to cheer you up.
(11:28):
So we have some more for you listeners, but first
we're going to pause for a quick break for a
word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsor.
So treating trauma, the first step for treatment is diagnosis
(11:52):
from a professional who may or may not prescribe medications
more for the treatment of symptoms, probably like anxiety or
to depression. UM treatment might also involve, like you're seeing Samantha's,
CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is what CBT stands for,
expressure therapy, eye movement, dissinsitation, and reprocessing. A professional will
(12:14):
help you come up with a treatment plan that might
involve all of these things. A lot of professionals recommend
exercise where possible, something that is rhythmic and involves mindfulness.
Also commonly recommended is avoiding isolation. Doesn't mean you have
to discuss your trauma, but just putting yourself in social events,
our activities even you don't want to is something that suggested,
(12:37):
or like you were saying, Samanth, you have these three
people that will just sit with you. That's great, as
an introvert, I don't necessarily want to be in a crowd,
but having people that I trust just being around, I
know that's important. Yeah, it's important to have someone they're
knowing that cares for you. Yes. Um, And it's great
if you because I've been that person for someone else.
It's great just like telling them sometimes I might reach
(13:00):
out to you and this is what I need when
I do, like before you reach the point of oh
my god, I need someone, like maybe have that conversation
of would you be okay if when I am in
a bad spot right? Can I just contact you and
we can just hang out? And that's exactly the three
people that I reach out too often. I don't think
(13:21):
I have four except she's in once in England. Does
she really count? Um? But they know exactly when I'm
coming for help, that I really need help, and we've
discussed what I need and essentially it's fairly easy just
be there. Yeah, And it's great like to have that
conversation beforehand, before it's like an emergency situation, so people know, um,
(13:41):
and I can say personally being active was majorly helpful
for me. I know that's an option for everyone listening,
but for me, like just going outside and getting sunlight
and being active. Right, I do that too. For me,
I need to exercise, and it may not necessarily be
just exercise. Part of my EXPERI eises dancing with a
group cardio jams, what it's called DeMarco Atlantic Station. Just say, um,
(14:06):
he's fantastic. I love them. But I also got a
group of people who are we're able to support me
in a way that it's just fun, that where they
may not know my whole history, but we all come
together from one purpose and it's fun. And I think
that's that's part of the importance of like, yes, this
is part of my outing. I get to come here,
sweat a little bit and get to meet new people
(14:28):
and who don't necessarily know my trauma and that's kind
of nice too, exactly. And if you are experiencing trauma
or a flashback, there are a couple of things you
can do. Um and the best thing, especially with a flashback,
is to try to ground yourself in the present. There's
something called the five three to one exercise. So this
(14:50):
goes you describe five things that you currently see, Describe
four things you feel right now. For example, my sweater
or the pencil in my hand. Describe three things you
can hear, Describe two things you can smell right now
or smells in general, and then describe one good thing
about yourself. So just try to like focus on these
(15:13):
physical things around you that you can actually Yeah, that
makes a lot of sense. And I know you're gonna
get to that about bare foot on the floor. I
definitely had those moments of like being grounded. Yes, And
and perhaps you and I um have taken it into
an unhealthy realm where I was bruising myself and you
were scratching your That's essentially what we were trying to do.
(15:33):
We were trying to ground ourselves in the president. Another
thing is calling a friend, yes, which I do, Uh huh,
taking a shower, yeah, move around, rub your bare feet
on the floor, and meditation right And for me this
has been a kind of a newer thing. When I
say meditation, I'm not necessarily talking about a Buddhist or
Hindu practice. I'm talking about where you become aware of
(15:56):
your environment. There's different sites that we go on. My
favorite is calm. It's a fantastic There's a woman named
Tamara Levitt who has the most calming voice. I've really
heard you know what, any you have a really calming
voice as well, So I'm not gonna lie. I may
come on to the podcast just to hear your voice
to calm me down. Thank you. You know easy going.
(16:19):
I didn't pay her to say that. He's gonna pay
me to stay on. I have heard that for more
than one person, and I'm happy to just do a
podcast where I just say bland things if it helps
anyonebout we do. Like Dr SEUs swims, I want to
read my fan fiction. No, your fan fiction is sad.
(16:40):
We already know this, but we need no voice. I
don't want Harry Potter to die. I don't. I don't
know why I wrote it. Anyway, If we're talking about
self medication and that that is turning to things like
drugs or alcohol and so from the US government found
(17:01):
that twenty five percent of people that experienced trauma before
the age of sixteen, the rates of alcohol and drug
adiction are much higher for them compared to the rest
of the population. More women than men are seeking treatment
for our substance abuse have experienced a trauma in their lifetime.
Um and that is an example of not healthily treating
(17:24):
it um and again, yeah, we're gonna talk about that later,
which is just while we're talking about trauma, PTSD and
the typical that's what you see with a lot of
veterans is um the self medication as well as the
fact and we're not really talking about this. Healthcare does
not cover a lot for medication and or minimally does so,
(17:47):
which is a travesty in itself. Let's just be real honest,
and we can't properly treat and or sometimes with a misdiagnosis,
we treat and improperly with the wrong medications. So we
know we have pretty strong narcotics out there, Class four
drugs which are fairly illegal. When I say that, opiates
(18:08):
and those things, yes, opiates and those things, um, we've
all heard of themis opis, oh my goodness. And all
of those benzoids and opiates which are fairly highly addictive
caused for our huge problems as well. And that's a
whole conversation in itself. And we know at this point,
(18:28):
well it's kind of changed around. Heroin has come back
up recently, but for the long while, opiates were more
likely used and abused more so than some of the
illegal drugs out there and more readily prescribed. Right. Um,
there is something I wanted to talk about before we
ended this episode called trauma informed response. So some schools
(18:49):
and organizations are adopting what is called this trauma informed response,
and particularly it's happening in youth serving organizations. And this
involved of realizing and understanding the scope of trauma, being
able to recognize the impact of trauma not only on
an individual, but also a staff and a community responding
(19:09):
with understanding and providing support and not putting people in
re traumatizing situations unnecessary. Right. And I will say for
us within the social work field, in the government specifically
juvenal area, we have adopted the trauma and formed response
in the sense of trauma evaluations UM. Trauma assessments are
(19:32):
being used to see exactly how we can help kiss,
which is a little more intensive and a little more personal,
and it goes beyond the normal mental health assessments because
you start digging into the whole picture, which is beyond
the oh does he have suicidal adeation? Oh is their
mental health in their family? So it's become a little
(19:52):
more more UM used at this time. But for me
as a worker, not so much. Yeah, it's not so
much to use. We do have services that allow us
to get some type of counseling for emergency situations, but
it's limited, very limited, and with limited amount of times
(20:14):
as well. So I'll say, for the workers were behind,
but for evaluating the clients we're getting up, there must
state of Georgia. That's the state of Georgia, UM, and
it is a tall order to get this. Experts suggest
staff training, reducing triggering events, creating and maintaining a safe
(20:34):
work environment, considering trauma and all policies and plans, and
listening to people. That just seems basic, but yeah, okay,
listening to people and empowering them in their work. And
this is a relatively new idea, so it's hard to
say how effective this is, but it is one option.
I do think that we talked about recently UM about
(20:56):
American Disability Association and how a lot of disabilities are
invisible and you can get some kind of consideration for them,
but people don't know that. So I think trauma is
one of those PTSD and c PTSD is something that
you can go to your boss for and by law,
(21:20):
they are supposed to provide considerations for you. And I'm
not saying whether or not it works, how big the
compliance rate is. I'm saying that that is technically a
thing that should happen. And this is another thing that
comes up a lot when you're talking about social workers,
and a kind of went over it already, But oftentimes
(21:44):
we are supposed to be jack of all traits, so
no a little of everything, and that would include being
able to care for yourself. And I think it's slowly
coming around. Um. Up until recently, people didn't realize that
there wasn't such thing as social work. So having that
come to the forefront, I think honestly, teachers are in
(22:05):
the same boat the things that they have to deal
with with their individual students, with the things that they
get victimized by, whether it's the parents who come after
them or does a child who comes after them. They're
not receiving any of these services either. So you've got
to look at what our community sees as necessary if
(22:30):
that makes sense, and right now it's fiscally we want
to help the victims, slash the clients first, which is
why we have such a high turnover. And I know
you talked about that about in the nonprofit world and
the burnout, but it is part of the reasons because
we don't actually care enough for the providers and the workers.
(22:50):
Yeah and they and I want to keep bringing my mom,
but I love her, and she was a she was
a special worker. And remember being younger and hearing her
talk about her day at work and just thinking, oh
my god, that sounds so difficult. I'm definitely the Debbie
(23:12):
Downer of the group when people ask me, how did
your day go, and I'm like, Terran, yeah, and I
do want to say my mom was never like hey,
eight year old Annie. No, it was just kind of
I would hear in passing um. And then as I
got older and you know, we become more on an
even keel. I would ask her and she would tell me,
(23:34):
and just the thing she she did when she was
my age and younger. I I'm just constantly like, wow,
I can't believe you you did that, and you mention
it as if it's passing. I love my mom. That's good. Anyway,
(23:57):
we do have some resources for you if there's someone
that you suspect is dealing with trauma, or if you
suspect after hearing all of this, maybe you are dealing
with trauma. The n I m H advises that you
listen attentively. UM. This is more for someone if you're
listening to someone who has trauma, but also to yourself.
(24:17):
You can listen to yourself and you always need to
keep your mental health in mind as you're listening to
someone that stand with trauma. UM, encourage them to seek
professional help if that's an option for them. Unfortunately it's
not always, but if it is an option, encourage it.
Encourage them to take direct action to deal with their
stress where they can, because it will make them feel
(24:39):
less helpless UM and more powerful in their situation. And
remind them it takes time. It's not a straight line.
There will be highs and lows. I know people are
tired of hearing it, but it's true. Things get better. Man.
Let's just again we had all right. There's no cure. No,
there's no such thing as cure for trauma, but there's
(25:02):
coping mechanisms and that's important. Yes, and if possible, if
you have a support group, I hope you do. If
you don't, we're here, but I am really lonely. She's
called me. She pictures ready to go of her dog
out of her. But I mean, I guess if you
do have them, but they're all usually me double chin
(25:22):
looking really goofy. If you want those pictures, you actually
every time you come to the office, you take a picture,
and it's pretty spectacular because our office policy requires it.
It's not like a thing she does. I'm also they're
they're pretty scared of me, Like, let's keep a table
on this girl so we can make sure to get
rid of her when we can. Jak um. But yeah,
I have some great double chin pictures of me dancing around. Yeah,
(25:44):
we're not even I don't exaggerating is not the right word,
but like, we're here if you need us. But um,
if you have support group, reach out to them. Um
avoid making major life decisions. And I just want to
put in here because I did a massive episode on
(26:04):
fan fiction while back. Yeah, it was a two partern
and it wasn't meant to be a two partner. It
turned into a two parter. I think I could give
a dissertation on fan fiction. That's amazing. I actually talked
about it every time Marvel comes up, because there's a
whole related thing, but I won't get into it. It's
like Doctor Who thing as well in Lord of the Ring.
(26:25):
Oh my god. The first fan fiction I ever printed
out was the Lord of the Rings fan fiction. It
was seventy d So anyway, I I read a lot
of fan fiction. I have and I continue to. I'm
not ashamed to admit it, but um, when I was younger,
my jam was someone someone saves Harry Potter from his relatives.
(26:49):
Any innervation of it, I loved it. I've read all
of it, um and I actually I'm kind of embarrassed
to admit this, but I dream about it sometimes. I
dream that I am the person that rescues Harry Potter
from his prelatives. I mean, if we want to put
a downer out there, slash because that's what I do.
Let's be really honest. Harry Potter and the things that
(27:10):
he went through as a child, he should not be
as healthy as he is. I like to think I'm
Harry Potter, though, do you really think you're that healthy?
But was he No, exactly, but he was, Well this
is a whole thing, right, But I mean he should
be slinging pooh, his own pooh, Like that's the level
(27:31):
he shouldn't be, you know. I like to think him
and I wanted someone to rescue him, because someone to
rescue and that's fair, that's a whole different level. But
he literally did not have a positive influence at all
in his life until he was eleven. At eleven, and
(27:51):
that causes and again that rabbit hole about attachment issues,
and we can talk about that, but I won't. Potters
is gorgeous and I not. Physically, I think of the
story hardcore with Harry Potter. I can't explain it. I
can explain it every time we've met up. She's wearing
Harry Potter gear. That's actually not a lie, unfortunately or not.
(28:16):
She's telling the my mom gave me a lot of
Harry Potter stuff for Christmas, and I'm wearing it. There's
a couple more things we have to discuss, but first
we're going to take one more quick break forward from
our sponsor, h We're back, Thank you sponsor. Before we
(28:41):
wrap up, I did when I talk about the shift
that I've had recently and how I view my personal
traumatic events, because I have for a long time viewed
it as a weakness, and during the height of my abuse,
every day I struggled to something I called the problem
of a closed door. And actually that has roots to
(29:02):
a hair butter fan fiction. I won't go into that
right now, but it does. So the two men that
abuse me, they would invite me to watch movies with
them every night in my family's upstairs din, and I knew,
in one way or another I was going to be hurt.
I would be worse if I didn't go. And between
the den and my room was my little brother's room,
(29:24):
and all of our rooms were on the second level.
So to not wake my little brother, I would go
down a set of these creeky stairs, through the living room,
through the kitchen, and up another flight of creepy, creepy, creepy,
creepy and creaky stairs, and I could see the door
to the upstairs den, where I knew these abusures were
(29:44):
waiting from the foot of the stairs, and I could
hear them laughing. And I would slowly walk up the stairs,
and I was petrified, and I would try not to
make a sound in case like maybe I'd changed my mind,
so they wouldn't know I was there. My knees would
be shaking. I would stare at the door. I would
try to make myself open it. I would stand there,
and I would think, I'm so weak, I'm so pathetic,
(30:07):
so let this happen again and again, to be so afraid.
But every night I found something in me. I found
the strength to open that closed door. And it wasn't
until recently that that's I realized that's what it was.
It was strength, that was courage um. But I closed
myself off for a long time. I couldn't separate myself
(30:28):
from these traumatic events. I defined myself through these traumatic events,
and even when I was out of that abusive situation,
I still faced the problem of the closed door. Some
days I have the strength to open that door, to
let people in, to make myself vulnerable. Some days I don't.
That's what healing is. It is not a straight line.
(30:50):
It is healing, and you're absolutely correct, there's no straight
line when it comes to healing and therefore, honestly, no fixal.
This is why self medication is often used, and it's
used consistently. The idea of not having to deal is
so appealing to pretend like it never happened, and unfortunately
we are asked by society to not deal with it
(31:10):
and to not acknowledge that it happened, because it makes
people uncomfortable, you know what, Thank you. We are not
here to make you comfortable with the trauma that has
been imposed on us. We should not have to feel
shame for something that we didn't choose. We should not
have to feel shame for someone violating our rights, violating
our love, and violating our trust. If you truly want
(31:34):
to be an ally slash, if those around us truly
want to be an ally, they would not shut us down. Yea.
And those who do who are uncomfortable are not true.
Allies get comfortable with being uncomfortable, right, And that's absolutely
what it is. People want to talk about feminism and
strength and and empowering, but they don't want to talk
(31:56):
about the ugly side of what you have to go
through to be empowered. Yeah. And I think when it
comes down to it, to be vulnerable cost survivors more
than the spectators. It just honestly does. For us to
be honest, to let you see some of the weakest
and darkest moments of our lives, that costs us so
(32:17):
much more than you know. And that means that we
trust you in some form or we're ready to move
forward in advocating for others. We're not doing this for ourselves.
Ms Ford was not doing this for herself. She was
doing this to protect the United States of America, which
she should and unfortunately she got dragged over the coals
for it. And that's ridiculous. This is not how society
(32:41):
should be. But is yeah, yeah, and um, these episodes
are are not easy or as and I know they're
not easy for you for you listening. Um, and that's
why we try to end and so UM some talk
about what we're doing, some self care stuff before we
(33:05):
go into that, I do want to say, Um, we've
been talking a lot about upcoming episodes. Um, we're gonna
be looking in depth at coping mechanisms or bad coping
mechanisms and specifically therapy, and we're going to be looking
at survivors and what it means to be a survivor
(33:25):
and advocacy. But the next episode, because these past two
have been pretty difficult for us, and I imagine for you,
will be a little bit of a letter side. We
meant it for We meant for it to be on
the letter side, but then it kind of ballooned out
to something else. But it's gonna be looking at sex
women and society, and we're going to be digging about
(33:48):
masturbation and sexualization and liking sex, what women don't like sex.
Some mentha, ridiculous. You don't know me. Um, but uh,
in terms of what we're doing in self care, I
just want to say that this episode was really difficult,
(34:10):
and we did break it up into we broke up
writing it into more than one day. We even talked
about it a little bit in our last episode. Um,
we're just trying to be very aware of taking care
of ourselves. And I spoke about the last episode that
(34:33):
I was going to watch Spider Man three, and I
have an update for everyone. I did watch Spider Man three,
not once, but twice because I really wanted to get
a good opinion on it. In my best it's not good,
but it's not as bad as everyone says. It is
a non opinion. I think it was better than everyone
(34:56):
led me to believe, but it wasn't a good movie anyway.
For the D and D fact of the episode. So
I've said before, I got into playing Dungeons and Dragons
as official medical advice to deal with my c PTSD,
but I also did it t help me figure out
the ending to something I was writing. And my D
(35:19):
n D character is based on a character from a
book that I wrote, and I would describe her as
she She is my trauma personified. She's not me per se,
but she's like trauma um and I wanted to play
her because she's a mess and I love her, but
I couldn't figure out how her story ends. And I
(35:41):
have to tell you. Playing her as a character, I
immediately knew how her story is. She dies. She dies,
of course she dies. You killed Harry Potter. Good gosh,
how to shake my head on this one? I killed
Harry Potter and my epics seventy two chapter Harry Potter
fan fiction. I'm still disappointed, and by that announcement during
(36:01):
our New Year's I mean I put him through terrible
things and then I killed him. I didn't give him
any happiness anyway. So maybe this is a spoiler alert
because I do hope to publish it one day. But
as I played her, I knew in my heart immediately
she dies, and I was taken her back because it
(36:22):
was like, I guess I knew this all along, but
I hadn't been willing to acknowledge it, and it got
me to thinking if she dies, I get to live
right right. Essentially, what you are doing is killing off
the trauma that holds wait over you. So yeah, I
get it. I still can't believe you just kill off everybody,
(36:43):
but I get it. I get it. Is that her
name to the beginning died so for me? Uh, you
guys have already heard about my amazing dog, peg Scorchud mcfussen.
I will say I got her due to my anxiety
in her being dick. It's kind of a great I did.
(37:06):
I had to do clothes because I mean she it's
true because she's a great distractor and we'll actually get
me out of the house whether I want to or not.
She does help me focus a little bit. I also
make her wear socks, but that's only when she's too crazy.
Like I have tried everything, Melatonin, been a drill, natural
(37:26):
dog stuff, all the dog stuff. So don't dog shame me.
I know not all dogs like clothes, and my dog
does not like clothes. Also, it's really funny to watch
her not being able to walk in socks. It does
bring me a little bit of joy. Taped. I just
made a weird crazy voice, didn't I? Um, But I
mean she's crazy, right. Oh yeah, I want to say crazy.
(37:50):
I mean jumping up and down, peeing when she meets strangers. Crazy. Yeah,
she did give me a bloody lip. I still feel
like she you know, you just try to kiss her
too hard. That could be true, And actually that happened
the night we conceived this many true was like the
blood seal up, that's what we're doing. Just has granted
(38:13):
his Yeah, she was like, we must complete the deal.
One thing we wanted to do um at the end
of these episodes with our self care bit is include
our super producer Andrew, whom you have heard us think
at the end of episodes. Um. But like I said,
I remember being on the other side as an editor
(38:36):
of the show and it being really tough. So we
wanted to include Andrew and the self care bit. So
so here he is, Hey, listeners, this is producer Andrew.
Usually go the way of the silent producer. Are you
Jerry see the occasional sneeze or what have you? But
(38:57):
and he asked me if I'd like to be part
of this little self help a bit, and I figured
why not. Generally my go to for personal care as music,
whether that's listening to records, going to shows, or performing.
I don't think I've ever had a bad time at
a concert before, especially when you go in without expectations,
say for a performer you don't know particularly well, you're
(39:19):
just recommended the show by a friend turns out to
be one of the best shows you've seen in a while.
And then also, obviously performing music is uh one of
the most therapeutic things I know of, at least for me,
especially playing with friends and also playing with people who
you just met. It's a great way to connect with
(39:41):
otherwise total strangers in a very relaxing kind of way. Also,
playing music by yourself is also really nice too, just
without any real intent of writing a song or performing,
just doing it for yourself can be really good. But
other than music, I'm a big fan of good old
solitude every now and again. Obviously I enjoy company, I
(40:04):
enjoy going out, but I need at least one night
a week of solitude. Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I daydream.
I consider myself a reflective person and benefit from taking
time to step back and be mindful of what's been
going on in my life. If any of you listeners
(40:26):
have any questions, please send them our way. If you
have them, someone else probably has them, and we'd love
to answer them on air. We're thinking about doing a
Q and A episode at the end of all of this,
and we're also planning possibly if enough people show some
interest and you get together in person to talk about
all of this stuff, so keep a lookout for more
(40:49):
details on that. Thanks as always to Samantha and comes
hang with me. I'm so lonely. I'll sing you a song,
she will see you a song, and she's also the
best up and thanks to you for listening. If you
would like to write to as, you can or email
(41:11):
his mom Stuff at how stuff works dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast and
on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as
always to our producer Andrew Howard. Thanks to you for listening.
Stuff Mom Never Told You News
Hosts And Creators
Anney Reese
Samantha McVey
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