When should parents talk to their kids about sex?

Does "the talk" make a difference in teen sexual behavior? Is it true that 40 percent of adolescents get "the talk" after they've already engaged in sexual intercourse? How should parents talk about sex with LGBT youth? Tune in for more with Cristen and Caroline.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve camera.
It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff Mom never told you?
From housetop works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. And Caroline neither you nor

(00:22):
I our parents. But there was one time that I
was on the verge at least I was worried that
I was on the verge of having to give at
least part of the talk to a child. How did
you find yourself in this situation? Well, it was all

(00:45):
um all due to an episode of Fear Factor, which
I was watching with my young nephews and niece, and uh,
they had an eating challenge and the contestant in question
had to eat a plate of reindeer testicles. And the

(01:07):
host is describing this reindeer testicle challenge, and my sweet
well meaning nephew turns to me and says, Aunt Kristen,
what are testicles? And as I looked around the room
and turned bright red. I'm sure yes, I turned bright red,

(01:28):
looking around the room searching for how to say this.
I was on the verge of saying, ask your mom
when she gets home. When my my oldest nephew. His
older brother pipes right in and very nonchalantly goes, well,
those are your balls, and the conversation was over. My
younger nephew was like, oh, you were saved. I was

(01:50):
saved from having to explain what testicles do. But something
to a preview though, if we are ever find ourselves
with children of what is coming down the line. Because
this question of when to have the talk about sex
and anatomy with kids comes directly from a listener who

(02:13):
was in a quandary about when to talk to her daughter,
what to talk about, how honest to be, how to
frame sex. So I figured, well, the best thing that
we can do is research it right and kind of
help parents give them the little nudge that they need
to be open and honest with their kids. Maybe call
it my oldest nephew we have any anatomical questions, yeah,

(02:38):
he can be our other source. Um. But a lot
of these studies that we looked at about having the
talk with your kids pointed out that a lot of
parents aren't having them early enough, and they're not necessarily
covering all the bases, so to speak. Yes, in two
thousand nine, there was a widely publicized study that was
published in the journal Pediatrics which found at more than

(03:01):
of adolescence had already had intercourse before talking to their
parents about safe sex, birth control or STDs. So the
big uh I guess call from that study was make
sure you're not doing it too late. A majority of
parents had at some point sat there adolescent and teenage

(03:22):
kids down to have the talk, but it seemed like
it was a little too little, too late. Yeah, they
were a little bit behind the ball. The study found
there was a lot of consistency in the areas of
discussion and when they happened. And during adolescents pre sexual stage,
which includes hand holding and kissing, the typical discussions that
parents have with their kids focused on girls bodies, menstruation,

(03:44):
and sex within a relationship. In the prequel, when when
the kids were in a pre coital stage, which includes
genital touching and oral sex, discussions with parents focused on
decision making and STDs, with some discussion of relationships and
male development. Once the kids had already initiated intercourse, then
the conversation shifted to STDs and pregnancy prevention and what

(04:06):
to do if a partner refuses to use a condom.
All of this is information that could have been pretty
well used before intercourse probably yeah. And that that pattern
was based on surveys with forty one parents of kids
ages thirteen to seventeen that were taking at four different
points over a year. And that issue of what to
do if a partner refuses to use a condom is

(04:31):
related to consent, and that's one thing that consistently doesn't
come up so much in these parent talks about sex,
which I can imagine is not an easy thing to
do or a comfortable thing to do. Um. But one
one other finding about who gets to talk and when
daughters based on this two thousand nine, pediatric studies almost

(04:54):
always get their sex education from their parents a little
bit sooner, probably because administration the time is ticking with
monarchy the onset of the first period and um with sons,
about half the parents hadn't talked to their sons about
how to use a condom are choosing birth control before
their son had had intercourse and um with daughters, two

(05:15):
fifths had not discussed how to choose methods of birth
control or what to do if a partner refused to
wear a condom until after again, after the daughter has
already had intercourse. So while parents might say, hey, sex exists,
this is how it happens. Do you have any questions?
Can this awkwardness In a lot of times those more

(05:36):
granular and very important issues of birth control options and
consent and how to put on condoms doesn't come up. Yeah,
because a lot of times parents might think they've had
the talk. They might say like, don't have sex, just
wait until you're married, or wait until you're older and ready,
without getting into those details that you're talking about. And
someone who confirms this is Dr Karen Thorn, who's the

(05:58):
director of Adolescent Meta than at New York Presbyterian Morgan
Stanley Children's Hospital. She said that a lot of parents
think that they've had this conversation with their kids. They
say something awkward and everybody blushes and they leave the room,
but the kids tend not to remember that it happened,
or they think their parents were talking about something else.
But and this is because she says that parents sometimes

(06:19):
say things more vaguely because they're uncomfortable and think they've
addressed the issue, but the kids don't even hear it.
It goes in one ear and out the other, and
not so surprisingly, research has also found that parents might
be a little vague and side step a direct sex
talk because it is, as we have said, it is uncomfortable.
This is coming from a two thousand study sponsored by

(06:40):
the Gootmaker Institute, which found that while parents believe that
talking to their kids was important and could be effective,
there were barriers to communication, specifically parents thinking that their
kids are too young and not knowing how to talk
about it. And I think that age issue is very
pertinent because there's a connect shin in a lot of

(07:00):
people's brains between talking about sex and sort of setting
off some kind of Rube Goldberg machine that will lead
to pre marital sex down the road. Yeah, the fear
that if I talk about sex at all, my kid
is gonna want to go do it immediately. Whereas a
lot of sex education experts will urge parents to begin

(07:21):
talking to kids as young as possible, not so much
about the mechanics of sex, but even you know, when
young children start to ask where if they see a
pregnant woman, where the where babies come from? What that's
all about? And you can start using more anatomical language,
such as me not being scared to use the word
testicle and um and and start framing it in that way,

(07:45):
and of course get into more of the details as
kids age and get into puberty and have questions themselves.
And one reason that parents should definitely bring up the
whole sex talk thing is that their teenagers just aren't
going to bring it up. This is kind from Christopher Dadas,
who's a psychology professor at Ohio State University. He found
that adolescents were more willing to talk about their dates, identity,

(08:08):
and how they showed affection, but very few of the teens,
if any, that were in the study disclosed what they
did win unsupervised and whether they had sex. Uh. He
did find that girls discussed more than boys, and the
mom was the primary confidante for both. I guess there's
something scary about going to your dad and talking about
sex maybe, but I don't know for for but yeah,

(08:29):
so mom was the confidante for both. And he found
that what adolescences are willing to talk about does change
as they get older, where younger adolescents showed a much
higher level of communication than they're older peers, and teens
who indicated having a high degree of trust with their
parents ended up disclosing more and that's a particularly strong
correlation for girls. And a lot of the experts out

(08:50):
there do urge parents to foster a good relationship with
your child where um, he or she will feel comfortable
coming to you, because if they feel like either sex
or their bodies or these terrible things when things start
happening or they start having questions, they're not going to
be willing to come and ask you questions, and they'll
try to find information from other sources. Well, and that's

(09:10):
the thing. Those other sources that you bring up are
so widely available now because kids have access to the Internet.
Saying a phrase which makes me feel like like a
much older person than I am, but it's true. I
mean it is. All of that information is out there
and kids are exposed to a lot more sexual content

(09:32):
than they used to be. Um And and again, I
feel like a lot of this is probably common sense,
but um, but it's still good to talk about because
it is. Uh. I think it's a formative experience, not
just for kids who sit down and have that talk,
but also for parents in the looming issue of when
is this going to happen? Um and February two thousand

(09:55):
eleven study and Pediatrics, which was led by Dr Elita
Acres and obstetuition and gynecologist at the University of Pittsburgh
Medical Center on the upside, found that parents who participated
in intervention programs experienced improved communications with kids. Basically, these
are programs UH where parents can go in learn about

(10:15):
the best ways to talk about sex with their kids,
things to share, resources to point them to. Yeah, and
these parents who participated ended up having better and more
frequent conversations with their children and ended up being more
comfortable than parents who didn't participate. But they do point
out the whole issue of well, if they're going to
these classes, obviously they're more motivated to provide accurate and

(10:36):
sufficient information for their kids, so it helps going to
these classes UM and the researchers also pulled out some
teachable lessons for parents who might be wondering how to
set their kids down have this talk and there researchers
advice to talk early and often UM use teachable moments

(10:59):
of such a when questions naturally arise about romantic relationships,
abour or a fear factor. Yes, so we're a fear
factor in reindeer reindeer testicles and speaking of testicles use
anatomically correct terms. Um. They say that slang and euphemisms
indicate that something is wrong, bad, or different about genitalia, right,

(11:21):
because you teach your kids what an arm is, what
a hand is, you know, teach them what a volvo
or a penis is instead of using euphemisms, because then
all of a sudden, it's like we shouldn't talk about it.
Or you could just sort of use only euphemisms like
your hand, calling your hands flippers, or slap pads slap
pads yet clap machines. Um. Also, the researchers urge parents

(11:44):
to not lie or lecture. This is a great quote
in Time magazine from Terry Fisher, who was an Ohio
State psychologist. She says, telling an adolescent not to have
sex is not likely to be an effective approach. And
that's the whole thing with this um, this issue of
when to give kids the talk, because at the end

(12:06):
of the day, we know that by the age of nineteen,
according to the the CDC, seven inten kids will have and
my kids, I mean teenagers, he's nineteen year old will
have engaged in sexual intercourse, whereas a majority of them
are also getting the talk from parents. So we might
be wondering, well, does it do any good at all?

(12:27):
And the answer is yes, because you're arming them with
information uh and choices of when to when it's right
for them, whether it's right for them at all? I
mean seven intent, That means three intent of them say no,
not for me. Well, kids aren't the only ones who
sometimes are not armed with enough information. Tends to be
parents to who get the wrong idea about their kids.

(12:50):
The Daily Beast sides a two thousand and nine study
that found that of the one thousand eleven to fourteen
year old they surveyed, half of them had had a
boy or a girlfriend, and a quarter thought that oral
sex are going all the way is part of a
tween romance, and only seven percent of parents survey thought
that their own children had gone any further than making out.

(13:13):
So this is this is actually pretty common pattern that
parents are like, la, la, la, la, don't know what's
going on, and kids are like, I'm not going to
tell you what's going on exactly. Um. But and parents
also tend to have an over inflated confidence with how
much their their sex talk is going to make an impact.
For instance, this is according to should say UM a

(13:34):
two thousand eleven poll commissioned by Planned Parenthood in the
Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health. They found that
nine percent of parents feel confident about their ability to
influence whether or not their child has sex. However, most
of the same parents sixty say their own mothers and
father said a poor job educating them about sex and
sexual health. So maybe all that means is that with

(13:57):
this newer generation of parents, rent, we're trying to fill
in the gaps from you know, a legacy of silence
about sex in the home. Yeah, yeah, it could be,
and they just because it's so awkward, they just think
that they're doing a better job than they are, like
I just don't do it um. This same study found
that of parents have talked to their children about topics

(14:19):
related to sexuality, but when it comes to those tougher,
more complicated topics like we talked about earlier, many adolescents
are just not getting the support they need to delay
sex and prevent pregnancy. And they found that most conversation
topics focused on relationships and the parents own values about
sex and when it should take place. Few are, however,
are bringing up how to say no and how to

(14:40):
access birth control. Yeah, that whole issue of consent. I'm
going to harp on it. It is so so important
because it's often not being talked about in sex education
programs in school, and I feel like that's that's such
a crucial piece of comprehensive sex said. Um. That is
that often just gets gets left out of things. UM.

(15:02):
And I think a lot of kids as a result,
don't know that they can say now. And then there's
the issue that that we touched on with earlier statistics
of whether or not boys and girls need a different
kind of talk. Well, it seems like there are societal
differences and how we approach boys and girls, and the

(15:23):
New York Times in two thousand nine pointed this out
in a gender sex said article. Um. They said that
there's this tendency to treat boys as potential criminals and
girls as potential victims, and how we warn them about
sex or warn them about the consequences of their actions.
And some of the doctors and psychologists quoted said that
we really need to give boys the same consideration as

(15:45):
girls and the same support, but also teach them about
respecting girls and adults. Psychologist Michael Thompson, who wrote Raising
Kine Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, said that it's
really more of an issue of well behaved versus not
well behaved kids. And he says that I would teach
boys that there are many adults who are scared of boys,
who have fears of boy aggression, and I think politeness

(16:08):
is the surest way that a boy can reassure the
adult world that he is okay and trustworthy. And they
go on to talk about the differences in approaching sex
between boys and girls, and maybe it's for that that
reason of how um there is that societal perception of
how how boys approach sex and what they need, and
how girls are more let's be honest, are approached by

(16:29):
sex um and what they what they need in terms
of pregnancy prevention and birth control and things like that.
According to two thousand ten data from the c d C,
female teens are much more likely to have received instruction
on methods of birth control UM and also educated about
more educated about how to say no to sex compared

(16:50):
with males, whereas male teens are more likely to have
been educated about how to use a condom. And I
thought it was in just saying that that seventeen magazine
actually gave kids advice on how to approach their parents,
because it's just awkward for everyone involved. I am someone
who never never approached my parents about this, and I

(17:12):
think I mentioned in our sex Ed podcast previously that
my mother's way of dealing with this was I think
I was eighteen and mom ear MOFs. I think I
had already had sex for the first time. But I
was sitting on the couch and she looks at me
and she's like, Ah, do we need to talk about anything?
And I was like, no, no, no, we never had
the talk. We never, we never. I never had a book,

(17:33):
I never had a pamphlet. Nothing. Yeah. Um, I I
read romance novels. We covered that. Um. But the advice
from seventeen two kids who want to talk to their
parents is that maybe try approaching them one at a time,
because this helps the kid feel less like your parents
or this United Front who were going to judge you
and ground you for asking questions. UM. Maybe admit your

(17:56):
nerves to them so that they know you're serious. Pick
the right time and place, you know. They suggest that
kids rely on teachable moments just as much as parents do.
So if you see, you know, a boyfriend and girlfriend
in the park, you can be like, oh, by the way,
I have a boyfriend or you know, maybe something left.
Don't spring it on them. Pick the right time and place, UM,

(18:16):
and also plan what you want to ask and talk
about with your parents so that you're prepared. Also, and
one cohort of adolescents and teens that we need to
talk about that are often left out not only of
sex said talks in school but also at home are
lgbt Q youth because, according to a lot of statistics

(18:39):
of which we found at the Healthy Team Network UM,
queer teens are actually more likely than heterosexual youth too
have had intercourse, to have had more partners, and to
have experienced sexual intercourse against their will. And a lot
of researchers will attribute this to a lack of education
and knowledge. They aren't being UM, their specific issues aren't

(19:00):
being talked about right. And on that topic of education,
UM they cited two thousand study that found of young
lesbians reported feeling that they were at zero risk zero
risk of HIV and sexually transmitted infections. And you know,
further on this topic, sexual orientation is among the three
topics most likely to be excluded from a sex ed course,

(19:22):
right up there along with abortion and how to use condoms.
So there are just a lot of things in sex
head courses or at home that just aren't getting talked about,
right and so in addition to just basic issues of
sexual health, UM, it's important for parents to educate themselves
about sexual orientation, gender expression, homophobia, UM, and to not

(19:42):
make assumptions based on appearance in providing safety and support.
This all goes into, um, you know, the the larger
need for home environments to be trusting and safe spaces
for for kids. Exactly. A two thousand one d in
the American Journal of Public Health found that l g

(20:03):
B t Q youth who received gay sensitive instruction report
fewer sexual partners, less frequent sex, and less substance used
before having sex than those who received the more common
sex education. And I was looking around for good resources
online um about talking parents, talking specifically to queer adolescents

(20:24):
in youth, and they're really there's not a ton of
direct information out there. Um. There was that episode of
Gale this season that got a ton of press because um,
the gay teen Kurts Dad sits down with him and
has the talk, and I was like, it's a it's
a gay teen sex talk. This is crazy. But when

(20:45):
you look at what he actually advises him. UM. This
was pointed out by the organization Parents, Families and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays UM and there Washington d C chapter.
They were they were commenting that the speech that he
gives them as is a speech that any team could use,
something that could be helpful and M and the P

(21:07):
flag points out that a parents willingness to listen and
support their child and provide environment that allows the child
to eventually have a healthy sexual relationship is the most
important thing. And you can apply that to any adolescent
or any team right giving them a safe space to
come to you, whether your team is gay or straight,
to feel like they can ask you questions and not

(21:28):
hide from you if something bad happens. Basically, and so
my big question at the end of all of this,
because any kind of health advocate will agree that yes,
parents need to talk to their kids about sex, whether
it's saying no, not having it, How to negotiate that,
what to do when it does happen if it is

(21:48):
already happened, you know, pregnancy prevention as cd prevention and
all of those other important steps. Um, but my question
is whether or not it really matters. And according to
the CDC, I mean, I don't know the health advocates
are going to say no, it does not matter. But
for some peace of mind out there, for parents who

(22:10):
have to give the talk, have given the talk, Kudos
to you, because parental communication about sex education topics is
associated with delayed sexual initiation, increased birth control methods, and
condom use among sexually experienced teenagers. So in other words,
it allows them to make more informed choices exactly. Yeah,

(22:33):
and support they they know they're supported at home. Um.
And again I am from my very borderline experience with
talking about something even broadly sex related to a child.
I I have a lot of respect for parents out
there who have done that. My mom set me down

(22:53):
for rather awkward talk when I was ten or eleven. Huh, well, yeah,
that's what they say. The experts say that it should
be an ongoing discussion. And you touched on earlier having
age appropriate discussions, you know, like where did baby's come from?
You're gonna answer that differently to a four year old
than you are a nine year old. Yeah, and if
you're eighteen year old is still asking you where babies
come from? Parents, it's time to get on the ball. Okay,

(23:16):
good advice. So with that, let's turn it over to
our parents. Have you given the talk? What was it like? UM?
Listeners out there who have received the talk? Did anything
stand out to you? Did your parents? UM? Where they
horribly awkward? Where they open? What made a difference to you? UM?
And and parents to what age? Is there some kind

(23:38):
of golden age to have the start having those more
detailed talks about sex. Let us know, mom. Stuff at
Discovery dot com is where you can send all of
your stories that we can't wait to hear. And in
the meantime, we've got a couple of letters here to
read to you. This is an email for Simone talking

(24:00):
about our birth control podcast, and she said that I'm
a nineteen year old student from Australia and have been
on the pill since I was sixteen. I'm a virgin
and I have never used it for actual birth control.
I'm on it because I had horrible irregular periods and
painful PMS symptoms and to aid in this, I'm on
the pill. I know that several of my friends are
on it for the same reason, many of whom are

(24:21):
also not using it for contraception, and I think this
is a big issue that you missed in your podcast.
Whenever people find out that I'm on it, they asked
me about sex and I have to tell them I
don't use it for that at all. It gets especially
annoying for people who don't know how horrible it is
to have bad PMS symptoms or an irregular period, and
asked me why I even bother at this point in
my life. I couldn't imagine not being on it. It's

(24:42):
much more convenient, and when I was traveling last summer,
I didn't have to bother with any PMS or anything.
For me, it's just the best option. And I know
that when I do eventually have sex, it will be
there for me, but until then, it's just a nice
convenience to improve an otherwise horrible aspect of my life.
Thanks Simone. I actually had a friend in high school
who was on birth control for the very same reason,
way before she was sexually active. Well, I've got an

(25:04):
email here from Brian and it is in response to
our episode about Nail Polish and just give you a
little background. He works at an elementary school as a
t A and helps running out of school program in
the afternoon, and he writes a few weeks ago, my
wife and I thought it would be a good idea
to go and get our nails done. This being my
wife's first time, I thought it would be great. Anyway,

(25:24):
I had taken my students to the swimming pool and
after putting on my flip flops, another teacher noticed my
toes were orange and laughed out loud. She thought it
wasn't good fun as I have an over the top
sense of humor. And after a while a few boys
in the group also saw and thought it was great
that I have orange tonails. Since then, I have had
many boys come up to me and ask if they
two can get their tonails painted. I think it's great

(25:46):
and if a boy or a man wants to feel
pampered every once in a while, then he should, and
I heartily agree. So thanks to Brian and to everyone
else who's written in Mom's stuff. At Discovery dot com
is where you can send your letters. You can send
your Facebook love to us on well of course on Facebook,
and you can also tweet us on Twitter at Mom's

(26:07):
Stuff Podcast, and you can find a lot of information
about how to educate yourself about sex and giving the
talk two kids at how stuff works dot com. Be
sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff from
the Future. Join how Stuff Work staff as we explore

(26:28):
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