May 12, 2024 • 62 mins
The Black Effect Presents... The Professional Homegirl Podcast!
This episode contains discussions about sensitive subjects that may be difficult for some listeners, including topics such as violence and abuse. We want to ensure our audience is aware of the nature of these discussions and encourages you to prioritize your well-being. Listener discretion is advised.
In this gripping episode of The Professional Homegirl Podcast, Eboné and her guest dive into a story that is both tragic and courageous. Eboné's guest bravely shares her deeply personal journey of navigating the aftermath of her mother's murder at the hands of her father's mistress.
With raw honesty, Eboné's guest recounts the complexities of emotions, from shock and disbelief to anger and profound sadness. Through her narrative, listeners gain insight into the ripple effects of domestic violence and betrayal within a family dynamic. Furthermore, Eboné's guest fearlessly unveils long-held family secrets, illuminating the hidden truths that molded her upbringing, all the while delving into the theme of forgiveness as our guest wrestles with the unfathomable.
Connect with Eboné:
Read Eboné's Love Letters: www.theyalltheone.com
Website: www.thephgpodcast.com
Instagram: @theprofessionalhomegirl & @thephgpodcast
TikTok & Twitter: @theprofessionalhomegirl
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@theprofessionalhomegirl
Shop PHG: https://www.thephgpodcast.com/shop
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is advice.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
What's up, Professional Homegirls? It's your Professional Homegirl Ebena, and
we are back for season two premiere.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
How are y'all doing? I hope all is cute. I
am so excited for season two if you couldn't tell,
and I have so many great conversations for you all
to hear. But before we start, let's do some housekeeping. Okay,
First and foremost, y'all, please make sure you subscribe to
(00:44):
the YouTube page at the Professional Homegirl. Full videos of
each episode are dropping every Friday, so please make sure
to support because production costs ain't cheap. Okay, Next up,
follow the instagram on page at the PG podcast. We
are halfway to ten k, even though.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I think we should have already been there, but that's
another story.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
And the goal is to hit it within this quarter.
I might even do some giveaways, so if I do
hold me down, don't hold me up. Also, we are
adding a new segment to the show, Ask Ebanay. This
would be your chance to ask me for some advice
or if you want to send me some love or
just share your thoughts on a previous episode. You can
(01:28):
now email me at Hello at thephgpodcast dot com. And
I'm also thinking about doing a solo episode really really soon,
so please email me your questions now before we start
this week's episode, because I know y'all feed them.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
I want to give y'all some behind the scenes.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
This has been the hardest episode, y'all, I have ever
done in a very, very long time.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
To the point where I didn't even want to put
this episode out.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Okay, throughout the entire episode, there were times where I
couldn't even find a word during the conversation because looking back,
I believe this episode triggered me. You know, I always
could ask how do I cover so many heavy topics
and to be honest, they don't really bother me unless
it pertains the childhood. And during the conversation with my guests,
(02:17):
the whole time, I was thinking like, why did this
happen to her?
Speaker 3 (02:19):
God?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And I think what really triggered me was that I
don't know if you can hear it, but to me,
it sounded like throughout our conversation she reverted back to
the age she was during that time. I don't know,
maybe it's me, but let me know your thoughts by
emailing me at hello atpsgpodcast dot com, and also y'all
will be able to see my full expressions once the
(02:42):
video drops on Friday, So let me know your thoughts,
because I don't know. I think that was the most
difficult part was hearing how her language and her tone
changes throughout the conversation. And you know, the episode was
so triggering that I didn't even want to put it out,
like as, I spoke to my network about it during
(03:02):
one of our meetings, and I just wanted to get
some feedback from them, and you know, I damn their
cry during that conversation with them, because it was just
so hard for me to even explain what I was
experienced during a conversation with my guests. I spoke to
my producer Taylor about it, and he gave me his
opinion as well as some different ways we can tackle
it if I did decide to put it out, And honestly,
(03:25):
after praying and just sitting in my thoughts, you know,
the one thing that I kept hearing was this is
your why, this is the reason why you started the
Professional Homegirl, And like I always say, you will never
find another one better or better than a professional Homegirl.
So With that being said, Season two premiere, My Father's
(03:49):
Mistress kills my mother is starting now. So to my guests,
thank you so much for being on the show. Oh
how are you doing? How are you feeling?
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I'm okay? Today been break day?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Oh well great, it's good. What happened today? If you
don't mind sharing?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Oh? I got my money back?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay? What you got to taxes?
Speaker 3 (04:15):
No, someone owe us some money and I had had
to run him down.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
You beat your money in your pocket, You beat somebody up.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
No, I'm all of that. I'd a two months. Oh
you see two old people on the ground and you
have to help us up.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
You ain't even like you're about to be fifty.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Yeah, yeah, I'll be in two months anyways, Okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
If I don't speak to you, happy early birthday?
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Thank you the fact that you're about to turn fifty, Like,
how does it feel sharing your story?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And what has been the most significant aspect of this
of your story?
Speaker 3 (04:59):
What's how I changed? Uh, it's how I change in
my in my forties. Right. I used to I used
to be so ashamed because you know, you are talked
to keep things in the family. Don't talk to anybody about.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
It, especially in the black black community.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Yeah, but that is what contributes to the depression and
the anxiety because that we keep it bottled up and
make us feel as if that we had played a
part in the abuse, right, like that we like that
we did something on And my diad said something to close.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
It, right, like you blame yourself for it?
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yes, when you have to keep quiet? And I realized
that no, keeping quiet, it's only helping the telephile. Yeah,
and it causes and when you hold things like that in,
it can develop into mental illness.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Yeah, that's a fact. That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
You know a lot of people who do who do
have mental illness. Some of that does them from trauma.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Yes, and keeping silent no, no, And plus that and
keeping silent allows the pedophile to go from home to
home or child to child a business, right, And I
want to know who's the pedophile among it? Don't protect them,
(06:28):
they don't need protection. The child needs protection, right. And
how long have you been sharing your story? Like have
you recently started sharing or just recently? Okay, what made
me want to share my story with just last year?
And then I say not just it's just popping my
head maybe I can do this. Maybe I can share
my story too, and and plus watching other people's stories
(06:53):
and make me feel like I'm not alone. And even
though I'm so I much older, but still the feeling
of shame and fear it still be with you, even
though you can live your life, but it's always there. Yeah,
(07:13):
but sharing my story it helps. Yeah, it helps believe stress.
I didn't know that just talking about it can help
you mentally and emotionally.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
So you just started sharing your story a year ago?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Wow, so forty well listening a year ago? Wow, so
you've been holding onto the story for forty nine years.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Yes. Matter of fact, I just told my brother well
about two months ago about our oldest brother raping me
and stuff. Not all my family know about the abuse, right,
but the but my family that I lived with you,
but not the ones on the outside.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And what does your brother say about that? Because I
was going to bring that up later, but since we
heard say.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
The thing is he was shocked. He basically like for real,
you know, for real he did that to you. My
sister in law said that I wish I had known
Baptists earlier because said she used to beat him up
when they were young, and she said, I would have
just beat him up more for you.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Right. Wait, you say your sister in law, So she's
not married to the brother that was sexual abusing Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
No, no, this is another lady, the one who's sexual abuse. Man,
he never married.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Mmm.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Where is he at now?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Oh? Where he should be thead Wow? Mm hmmm. He
died but then g though he died a good death,
he died died from a heart attack.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Mmm.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
You know when I heard your story, I.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
The moment I was able to catch my brother, you
exposed something else and I'm just like, this can't be real.
Like I feel like from the age of five to
maybe in your like your twenties, I feel like it
was just NonStop.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
It was non stop. And then when I allowed myself
just to think about my life, I'm thinking, it's surprised.
I'm surprised that I have sanity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
that doesn't mean that, you know, I didn't have trouble
being here because that five years old was when I
(09:35):
first was blested. Was also was the age that I
first attempted suicide.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Mm.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Five years old, and I don't know what I knew,
how I knew about death? And suicide such. But I
tried taking a lot of time and all, you know.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
What's so crazy? Did you used to watch a lot cars?
I'm pretty sure you used to watch like cartoons, right,
it made it came from cartoons. I had a conversation
with this with one of my guests and she tried
to commit suicide when she was a kid, and she
took a lot of pills too, So I was like,
and she was like doing all these interviews and I'm like,
(10:15):
how did she know take these pills? So when I
asked her, she was like, nobody ever asked me that.
She said, I learned from watching the cartoons.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
That power would I learned it from?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Yeah? Or she was just like I knew that if
I was to stop, if I take one pill, it'll
stop the headache. So she was like, I knew if
I was taking more and maybe it'll stop me.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
I just thought about dying. I ain't think might nonn
hit it?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, I just wanted to pain to stop. Yeah, So
let's start from the beginners. Tell us about your family
life before the tragic incident, because I feel like you
had a good family the way that you were describing.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
It, it was before my mother died. She died also
when I was five. I lived with my mother and
my father and my grandpa. My mother worked, my dad work,
and my grandfather lived with us.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And was he sick or my grandfather yeah? Or was
he just older?
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Just old?
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Okay, he was just old.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
No at that time. He did eventually develop diabetes, but
that was years later he did that, hm, But before then,
it was just normal. My mama, she she used to
treat me like a little doll. I was her only girl.
She had four kids and I was her only girl.
(11:41):
Reason why that I can reason why? I know she
did this because that's one of the things that my
aightie and my grandfather told me. Reason why they hated me.
It's because my mother treated me this way. Right, And
other people told me too about how that my mother
always had my hair dumb for.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
You was her baby girl.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
She just she was just proud of her only daughter.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Yeah. What was your parents' relationship like your mom and dad?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
For from what I remember or felt during that time,
it was good until my daddy wanted to cheat, right, Yeah,
because it I remember all the reason why. I don't
remember the whole thing, but I here remember little clips
and then other people full in those clips. For me
is that when my daddy was screaming and then my
(12:34):
mother was running towards him with something her hand. So
later on with people talking about the then I remember, oh,
okay that what was going on? My my daddy wanted
my mama to stay home because that you know that
later find out for Costa that he was meeting up
with another woman at this place and my mother was
going and so he hit her, and so she got
(12:57):
an iron skillet and st hitting him with and she
hit him with her eyes get it. Then he took off,
rinninge because he thought that she was just gonna beat
him to dead, because they you know, hit my mama
and you're going to get dealt with. You know, she
was a small woman, but she you know, defended herself.
(13:18):
But uh, they said, that's the only time they would
have really have conflicts is when he wanted to go
see other women.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
So was he always a cheater or like I mean,
I guess always a cheater right.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
As far as I know, that was all the time
he cheated? Well, I said, for as, I'm pretty sure
he probably meet the women.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Probably And do you think your mom knew about his cheating.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Yes, that's the reason why she died.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Why before the interidem some before then did she yes?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Her and the lady they had got into a physical
fight before. You know, people people in the neighborhood, they
would come up and just start talking about my mother,
you know, telling me about it. Because no one said
anything bad about my mama self for my Amie, but
everyone else they knew her. They said they loved her
and how kind she was and quiet. Then they were
(14:14):
telling me about the lady who killed my mother. It's
because said she was messing around with my daddy and
when she sees my mother, she would start picking at
my mama, and my mama wouldn't say anything back to her.
My mama would try to ignore her, her head on
her business. But I guess she got too close to
(14:34):
my mama one time, then my mama jumped off. You know,
it's only so much picking you can you tolerate. You know,
they said that people always told their lady to just
leave my mama alone, you know, right.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So told us about the day of the when she
killed her.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Mom. I remember the night because said, I remember just
crying big and my mother and stay home I want them.
I was beg and I said, I want my mama,
I want you to stay home. I didn't remember the
color of the outfit, but I do remember seeing one
of her shoulders out and she having her done, and
you know, cause you remember fisting pieces, but you don't
(15:15):
remember everything, right, But I remember that part. And then
I was crying so much. I wanted her to stay.
And I remember somebody telling me to just shut up,
stop acting, you know, stop acting like a small child whatever.
And my mother left left out, and this the last
time I seen it. She went down what we called
(15:36):
the hole, and she went to a house party. And
at the house party, they were playing dominoes and my
mother was just standing around the table, just watching them
playing dominoes. That night, and then the lady that Nadine
uh Lucille and by would call me another one we
(15:57):
called men and Pearl. The three of them they walked
into until the house that were in and everybody said
they had forgot that my mama was eating there because
she was so quiet, she just sitting in there looking
and then they realized she was still up there when
they started picking on her. They got into it and
they said that they told my mama, don't fight over Junior.
That was my daddy, don't fight over him. But at
(16:20):
some point the three ladies left. And then when they
left and they said that more than person told me that.
They said that my mama said that they think she
can have to I'm going home, and I'm gonna go
home and take her and my babies. My mama did
have a knife on her and the knight she had
when she got ready to leave, she threw it in
(16:42):
the ground right it was still sticking up in the
ground because that she was disarming herself and she was
saying that I'm not gonna fight, I'm gonna I'm not
gonna argue these women. She was done. She threw with it.
She want my daddy, She's gonna have it, because she
was they on kicking my daddy out, just leaving the relationship.
(17:03):
But the way is the the hole that set up
the lady. She lived down on the opposite end of
the road that leads out of the hole, but in
front of her house, the train tracks were over there
and she was able to cross the railroad tracks down
the path because that she she I guess that she
(17:24):
knew that my mama was leaving and this is the
only way my mama could get out is go down
this road. And they when she ran, those three ladies
ran home, got a gun down there in front of her.
How they crossed over to their path and they ran
down there and beat my mama down to the end
of the road. And as my mama was walking home,
(17:46):
they jumped out of the bushes. They jumped out of there.
The lady told my mama, don't you move, and my
mama tried to walk around the three window mm hmm.
And then when she I heard my mom shot my
mom in the heart.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Wow that How do you know this? You're just getting
bits and pieces from everybody.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Yeah, people who witnessed this because I asked, right, Bradley
is a small area, and I knew I knew the
grown people. I asked later on when I was five, Right,
right then, I asked the grown people down there because
they were all living down there. And plus that my ainting.
(18:30):
She owned another ain'ting, not the one I did it,
but my ain'ting on my daddy side. She owned the
club down that way.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
You know this is given like a movie, right, I.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Don't know just the way you're describing it because I
can picture it in my head. And then the fact
that like if you was five, so this was what
forty four years ago, like this in the South, I
know exactly what you're talking about in the South. So
I could just see like the imagery of it of
a woman walking down the street and three women in
the bushes hiding, yes, waiting for her.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Yes, yes, they ran down the path. That's how they Well,
I'm describing it to you. It's the way we'll describe
to you.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
So when you heard it, how did that make you feel?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
It? It made me feel hurt that you know, brought
back the pain of losing my losing my mama again,
and then it made me feel that my mama was
trying to escape from she was she she said, she
told the people that she was going to break it
(19:39):
off with my daddy and that the lady could have
my daddy. That she didn't want my daddy anymore because
my daddy messing out with a woman that's trying to
harm her, and she has four kids that she needs
to take care of, and you know, and she was
going to just leave it, leave that alone, because it
(19:59):
was in the first time, you know, I got to
tell you before they weren't first. What's in the first
time that my mama and these women got into you know,
all got into it. They you know, they always try
to gain my mom right after my mama beat the
woman up. You know, from being on it's always being
a group to goot against her.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener, discretion is a vice.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
But wasn't your father messing with the mistress the main
mistress messing with her homegirl thing is.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
So other you're probably talking about that the fact that
other three ladies, one of them, one of them is
the mother of my oldest brother on my daddy's side. See,
they were all cousins. They were cousins, and your daddy
was different. How your daddy was different, Yeah, he you know,
(21:03):
he wasn't kidding to him saying he didn't care right
and everything. The women didn't.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Care right because they cousins.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, their cousins. When I say cousin, I'm talking my
first cousins towetor's children. Right.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
So how many kids did your father have.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
And all he had seven mm hm, so my mom
and five on the out side. But but the best
of them, they were they are much older. I'm the
I'm next to the baby, and the next one is
like seven years older than me. Mm hmmm, yeah, seven
eight years older than I am.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
So when you're when your mom got shot by her,
did anybody see us?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Yes? See when they seen the women, then what they
told when they seen when they seen the women, a
group of them start running down the road. They would
running that road. They were screaming because they thought that
was she was trying. They were trying to gain No,
gan't fight. My mama didn't know. They didn't know she
had a gun until they got wiped that up up
there on them. By the time they reached up that
(22:08):
that's when she shot my mother. My uncle from my
from my dad's side, he was there and he and
a couple other men. They loaded my mama up in
a car instead of calling the ambulance. The ambulance was
like fifteen minutes away the hospital. They was taking my
(22:30):
mother too. They took my mother to it's forty five minutes. Wait,
why did they do that? They thought that they could
make it to Hope quicker than the ambulance. Sayce they
ambulance had to come. It was stupid because my Mama
didn't die until they got in Hope.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
So true was alive for forty five minutes.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah, by by forty five minutes, that means that she
led out the she didn't have to die. Emilast cul
came in fifteen minutes and stopped the bleeding.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Do you think they did that with good intentions?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
I think so, because I said one of was my
uncle and they were closed and I don't know because
I said, I'm thinking like they didn't know the basic
concept was first aid. That night, paramedics could have went
her first aid to my mother and my mama was
still alive all of that time, right. She died in
(23:33):
my uncle's lap. And the last my uncle said that
the last thing she said was to tell Daddy to
take care of my babies. And she died.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
And then when they rise at the hospital, the doctor,
the doctor pronounced her dad while there in the car.
Excuse sitting in the car?
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
So when did you find out that your mom passed away?
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Like?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Who told you at that at the age of five?
But did somebody come to the house or the sheriff.
The sheriff came to the house, came to our house.
The next day and I wasn't standing. It was an
open we had an open four plan, and.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
I was standing in the dining room park which which
is far away from the living room door.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
But my older brother, I have an older brother with
my mom who is two years older than I am.
M he gets started crying and hollering, and my eighties
she came up in there. And that's when you know,
because my grandfather wanted to answer, and everybody gets start
hollering crying. I didn't understand what was going on.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I mean, yeah, you were five, so how could you.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
And then I heard my eighties say that they killed her.
They killed her?
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Really I did not understand what what was going on.
And when we went to my mama's funeral, I thought
my mama was just laying up their sleep. I didn't
staying there was a coughing because that she was laying
there asleep, and the white stuff just looked so comfortable,
and she looked like she was just asleep. See. I
(25:10):
was used to seeing my mama asleep during the day
because she worked at night.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Right, So when did it finally hit you?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
I kept asking my grandfather, where's my mama? After the funeral.
I actually thought that my mama would be hauled before
we before we got there, because that because that I
was there saying, why I'm every now here asleep with
all these people walking around crying around her? And at
the funeral, a woman walked up to me and she said,
(25:40):
it's okay to cry. I didn't understand why she thought
I was gonna cry. I just wanted my mama to
get herself up and come on here. You know. Other
words denial, Yeah, yeah, denial, because I'm pretty sure I
probably knew what death was, but I was I didn't
want to accept it. This is what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Oh, maybe you didn't.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Maybe you really thought she would sleep, especially if that's
the first time somebody that was close to you passing away.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Yes, And and then when I asked my grandfather about it,
he would always say, well, she's taking Alan now right
on the trip, so they father confused me.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Yeah, but but ever then I do what that was.
I've probably just never seen death were that close. Yeah,
that could be a till.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
After I was blessed it the way of my mother
wasn't being there and my dad because that when my
mama died, I watch my dad too because he abandoned us.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Well, wait, what happened to the mistress? Like, did she
ever get in she go to jail or I don't
know if she.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Went to jail. I can't tell you definitely, but I
do know she got twenty years probation.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Twenty years probation.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
For that jail time. She didn't get jailed time, plead
it out, and the judge gave her probation. Wow vrobation
in two thousand oh.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
So she still is? She still alive?
Speaker 3 (27:10):
Yeah? The last place I know her the work was
in Children's hospital in Little Rock.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Matter of fact. Matter of fact, I was at the
children hospital for some reason, and I went inside the cafeteria.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
And you saw her.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
Yeah, she wrung up my food.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Did she recognize you?
Speaker 3 (27:34):
I don't know, but I didn't recognize her, but my
brother did mm m. And I wanted to go in
there and just act the clown what I did. Again.
Then again, he didn't tell me that after we left anyway.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
So because he knew he was gonna no be has
I don't know, I never know, yep, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
But I know I was hurt to know that this
lady feared bringing up my food that I brought in
the cafeteria, and of course she didn't say anything because
she didn't act like that she knew me.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
You know, Yeah, how did she look? Did she look
the same to you or probably not because you didn't
recognize her.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
No, I didn't recognize her. And that was one of
the conditions of her probation. The judge told her that
she must leave brand and she can't live in Bradley.
That was a condition a whole qurobation too. Mm hmm.
But my aintie and one of the ladies that was
with her when she killed my mama, they got into
a shooting match. Yeah, the lady was mm hmm. We
(28:45):
were living in a duplex. The two of the ladies
were over there in the middle park, right, They ain't
had a raffle and she had a pistol and you,
I mean, into that torelet down. You could see the
bullet holes. You know, they trying to killing each other
doing in Arkansas. She tried to kill the lady who
killed her sister.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And this was recent, No, at the time, oh, at
the time, at the time. So wait, how did your
dad handle everything? Because I know you said that he
abandoned y'all.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
I don't know. I don't know, but I know that
he married another lady that he has even met, just
a few months after after my mama was dead. He
popps mary her within like a couple of months. So
he didn't agree.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Did y'all ever speak or like, what's your relationship like
with him now? If he's still alive.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
He died in two thousand and eight. I didn't have
a relationship really when I got When I turned about ten,
his wife forced him to come and pick me and
my brother up. See, he only had this two children
by my mother, and she made him come and pick
us too up for holiday. But before then, you know,
(30:03):
he didn't have anything to.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Do with ups. So he never spoke to you about anything.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
No.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
One time, when I was like fourteen, I brought it up.
Then my stepmother she cut me off, let me know that,
you know, don't talk about that, and then she tried
to put my mama down a woman. She never met,
my woman that was dead when she started messing around
with my daddy and she talking about Junior. He don't
(30:33):
like dark skinned women anyways, he liked like skin. But
my daddy had baby, had two kids by two different
light skinned women, right, and he had a baby by
two dark skinned women. He didn't I guess he didn't
say anything. He just looked at her like, why are
you saying that kind of look?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
And my daddy was a light skinned man. But so
what But but what I was thinking at the time
when she said that she was trying to she was
putting my mother down. I had develop a habit of
not saying anything. Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You just started to become silent.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
I had went years when I talked.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
How many years I.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Probably went by the good four or five years while
speaking at all. Yeah, unless somebody forced me to say something.
For example, people, I wouldn't even tell people my name.
I wouldn't tell people anything. And the teachers, they eventually
stopped calling my name because they know that I weren't
going to speak.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
When did you start doing this?
Speaker 3 (31:41):
I started doing this problem when I was like in
the second grade. Wow, No, because said the abuse got
so bad for me, right that I sort of checked
out a reality. So at this point you're living with
y'all and your grandfather, you and your three siblings. Yes,
(32:04):
And was she only mean to you or what she
mean to everyone else?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
As well.
Speaker 3 (32:09):
She was mean to everyone, but I was the main one.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Right.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
The boys had to truly do something wrong for her
to beat them because she didn't give us whoop, and
she give us she gave us a beat down mm hmm.
And and she would beat our grandfather. I watched her
beat my grandfather with a hammer.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Is that her dad?
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Yeah? I can see it, running into the kitchen grabbing
the night my grandfather laying on the couch. I think
he was watching Gus smoke or something. I don't nowhere
she just went went went in the kitchen, grabbed a
knife and went over there to him and just grabbed
his arm and just start cutting in my grandfather's arm.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
What do you think was going on with your aunt?
Speaker 3 (32:55):
She was on crack. She was a crackhead and stuff
and the dark.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Well there you go, up. It was the drugs. Have
you ever remember her being not being on drugs and
doing and drinking.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Mm hmm always when I was grown right, it was
after she had went to prison and stuff. When she
wasn't on drugs, EPA. She was a total different person, right, Oh,
when she when my Auntie wasn't on drugs, she was
the kindest person. That you would want to meet. She
(33:33):
stayed off the drugs for a long time when I
was grown. I had I gave birth to my son
when I was eighteen, and she was the only one
there for me. Can you believe that?
Speaker 2 (33:44):
You know what's so funny? I can don't be the
main ones.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Because she wasn't on drugs.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Yeah she was.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
She was only one of the family who came to
the hospital and visited me.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
She probably was trying to right her wrongs.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Yeah, she she did apologize when she thought she was dying.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Mmm.
Speaker 3 (34:04):
I didn't take the apology seriously because I said, you
apologize when you're not in.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
The hospital, right, So where is she at now?
Speaker 3 (34:13):
She died in nineteen She died from stroke twenty nineteen. Wow, yeah,
well just before the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Yeah, And did y'all ever have like a conversation or
that was it?
Speaker 3 (34:29):
That was it about the abused?
Speaker 2 (34:32):
No?
Speaker 3 (34:32):
She well, she apologized whom she did apologize again. She
did apologize again. But then again, you know, I guess
that I wasn't accepting apology because it was too much
with just too much. But she did make me feel
good when she started when during that time when she
wasn't on drugs. That she treated me with mothery love.
(34:54):
She treated my child with deep wave.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
So did you Is it safe to say you forgave her?
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Yeah? I guess I probably. I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I don't hate her, but I still hate
the what happened, right, she she gave my body to me.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Well wait before we get there, because you was living
with your aunt at the age of five, and that's when.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
The abuse started. So I don't want to go through
every story because I feel like I don't want to
like when you tell your story, is it retriggering.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
For you sometimes?
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Yeah? So I want to be mindful of that. But
how many men would you say took advantage of you?
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Oh? I never counted. You're probably good close to ten
that I can remember.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Right, have you ever ran into any of these men
as a grown up? Because you still live in the
same place you grew up in, right.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
No, I'm living in Hope now. I confronted one of
the men about what they did to me, what he
did to me, and I didn't when I confront of him,
I wasn't expecting you know, like I'm sorry or probably
get nothing. I just told him, I remember what you
did to me when I was seven years old.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
And what did he say?
Speaker 3 (36:15):
He said, I don't know what he's talking about. Then
I said that you but less he was blessed me.
He didn't exactly rape me, but he well, sticking your
figure into a seven year old for john and there
is rated right, and and he just he just looking
at me, and he didn't He just sit there looking
(36:36):
just and stopped talking, you know. And then I just
left it at that because I just wanted him to
note that I remember what you did.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Was this the man that when you was laying with
your brothers, he came on top of you and your
granddaddy was acting like he was sleeping.
Speaker 3 (36:55):
No, that's my amy boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
I thought that was crazy because the fact that your
grandfather was acting like he was sleeping and you saw it,
I was like wow.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
But that wasn't only time the dude that I confronted.
I was by seven years old, and he would come
over to our house, right and he would come and
pick me up, and he would sit right there in
front of my grandfather and we was like less than
this table, or I say, by three or four feet
(37:27):
this table I'm sitting it by three or four feet.
Why we were sitting there clothes and he would put
a blanket on top of us, and he will people
less than me in front of my grandfather.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
But do you think your grandfather was scared?
Speaker 3 (37:39):
He probably was scared. But what forfeiting him from calling
the police after he left? Right? And plus that, why
did my grandfather blame me for it? M My grandfather said,
that happened to me. That man did that to me
because I was fast. This is a man who came
in my house, came picked me up because I was
(37:59):
a kid, and he picked me up off the floor.
And you just say anything right now, it's not the
same man he came up to the house. I was
in the kitchen and I just heard a knock on
the door, and I didn't hear him say this is
LB whatever. But my grandfather turned round into me, you
know exactly what he wants to do. Go out through
(38:20):
the back door, because the only time he did something.
Try that protect me, Tell me that I know going
what he wanted to do, and to run.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion as a vice.
You know when you hear your story because I'm from
the South as well. So when you hear your story
and you when you share your story, how often do
you hear similar stories that's that's similar to yours from
the that's from the South. Because I feel like this
(38:58):
goes on a lot within our community, but i feel
like it also goes on a lot in like these
smaller towns in the South, and I'm pretty sure it's
all over the world. But just being from the South,
especially being like your dark skinned woman being called fast
and like, like, it's just it's insane.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
As I've growing up, you know, I knew sever kids
that was raped by boyfriends or by uncles. I even
knew boys that were raped. So even boys are not safe.
Yeah boys, my baby I'm gonna say this because he
(39:37):
doesn't watch uff like this, but my baby brother was
raped by my oldest brother.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
And is this the same oldest brother that's sexually abusing
that's rape.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
They raped me. He raped my baby brother and he
told and my amy forced him to say another boy
actually raped him. Wow, because said she forced my brother
to say that another child rapped him because she didn't
like that child's mother.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
WHOA that is crazy, So.
Speaker 3 (40:13):
That child got sent off, he got punished, legally punished,
and I just found out in two thousand. My brother
just told me two thousand and nine that that wasn't true.
He said, we was over there to my trailer and
he said, do you remember that time when when I
said that Pig raped me and Pig got sent off.
Pig didn't rape me? Did pat just made me say
(40:38):
Hig raped me because she didn't like, Wow, Higgs, mom.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
That is wow. That is crazy.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
So you can't even you can't even be even though
the child was raped, could be raped or blested, you
still have to wonder whether or not somebody else's making
that child point at a different person. But I went
and told his mam what my brother told me, and
I told her that you know that Pig didn't do that.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
No, I made her say.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
She just cried. She just asked me questions and nothing.
She was just cried, just.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
Cry And where's her son at now?
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Oh? Oh, oh, Pig. I don't know what Pig gets.
He didn't even jail or anything. He was some woman
knowing him. He's a womanizer. Now he's not a rapist,
but he's a womanizer.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Do you think your brother sexually abused any more other kids.
Speaker 3 (41:37):
Yes, I know, cause they say so. Mmmm, of cours,
I know I'm the only girl. On the rest of
the kids he raped were boys.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
And and then I found out when I was like
eighteen looking before. See, I didn't find out that he
raped my He was the one who waked my brother
at that time. But I found out years before then
that he rapped other little balls. Cous the grown up
knew about it.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Mmm. Do you think something happened to your older brother.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
No, he died from a heart tag walking to Walmart.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
You know what I'm trying. I just like you think
somebody sexually abused him.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
I don't know. I didn't talk to that boy. You know,
you know he did that to me. And I can
remember say, we originally from Knacadobia and wait, where are
you'all from Knockadolchia's Texas? Oh okay, well, originally from there.
So that's why I didn't know about the older siblings.
(42:39):
So they were all from the Bradley Grey off from Bradley,
and I had been blessed many times before that. Then
I thought that when I found out I had an
older big brother, I thought that he was gonna eat
my protector. That reason why I put myself in his presence, right,
I guess that they shattered my world knowing that he
(42:59):
didn't only tell me, he actually took my opportunity ro Yeah,
the rest of the men, they would finger me to
this point. They will finger me because he started raping
me when I was seven, and and then there's probably
reason why that my aiding star allowed men to rape me.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
How are you how are you feeling with all this?
Like do you like do you go to therapy? Like,
how do you like go to therapy? Okay, cause this
this is a lot to unpack, Like do you ever
just sit down and just be like, like especially what
you're about to hit a milestone and you turn it
fifty like like you got to be proud of yourself
for just like being sound mind.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
And just surviving. No, seriously, because this would have people
like going crazy.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
I don't know why going to therapy and stuff. You know,
I learned terms so for my behavior. This is assist associates,
m But it's really not happening to me, right, that
happened and I'm in the stage word that I'm trying to.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
Comfort heal your inner child, Yes.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Because it it feels like that. Sometimes I be like
up in the high coner looking, you know, like an
herd coner, looking that somebody is hurting and I can't
do anything.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
I can't say it, But does it hurt you that
you can't do anything?
Speaker 3 (44:24):
The hurt that I feel is the hurt that I carried.
Since then, it seemed like that that pain, that hurt,
it hasn't went away. It's just something that you learn
to cope.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Yeah, that's a fact.
Speaker 3 (44:37):
And you developed I'm not talking about mutip personality, but
you just learn how to deal with it. Yeah, because
you have to separate that person from the rest of
your things, right, you know, even though that that person
is always there, that person always pulling, that child is
always crying, that child always wants safety and it and
(45:02):
it causes you to behave in ways that you didn't
understand why you behave in a certain place.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
You gotta get to the root of it, yeah, because
sometimes your brain would also protect you from certain things
so you won't get triggered and you won't act a
certain way. And that's that's how I deal with it.
Put it inside the spot.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
And partmentalize it.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
When I get triggered. I don't have to talk about
it too, but that that panic to come in. Then
I'm thinking, like, gosh, Lee, it's just so much trauma.
Feels up on trauma. It was no relief for it,
you know, because it Then when I got older, by ten,
(45:50):
a man whych in front of my grandfather, in front
of my anie. He just leaned over with then my faith,
I'm not going to mess with you because you talked
too much. Oh I got a beating for that.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
So when did you realize that your aunt was selling
you to all of these men.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
In my bedroom? When I got awake in my bedroom,
in my little mind, I thought it was musters right.
I didn't realize that it was actually actual men. That's
where my mind connected with actual people. When that when
my Ami had a baby and she forced me to
take her of that baby, and I was getting up
(46:29):
at night fixing the baby bottle and I walked into
the kitchen. My Auntie was standing there with a man.
I knew that there was her boyfriend at the time,
and and she said, there should go. You canna have it,
you can get it. And he looked at Pat and
he said, Pat, I don't mess around with you. I
was trying to get her boyfriend to go in there
(46:51):
and have sex. Witheop I in my mind, I'm still
saying monsters. But one of the men actually came into
my room because that's when I saw sleeping on the
floor because I had I started putting the baby in
the bed with my grandfather, and I would sleep on
the floor under my bed to hide. And a man
(47:11):
came in and I don't work it didn't recognize the forest.
He said, pat, she's not here, because that you know,
he's coming into my room. And I would just see
the feet, and you know, I didn't say anything, and
and my at had just started, you know, beating me
and talking like that. I talked too much and I
(47:31):
act like I'm too good for people. But stuff she
was talking about, I was talking about that why nobody
want you? No man? Won't you imagine telling a ninety
ten year old that because you talk too much and
because you act like you look good, that grown men
don't walk the halfs No? Imagine how confused I was
(47:54):
that why would I want a gown? I didn't understand
even though you know what, just because child is bolested
or great doesn't mean the child understand what's sexy.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah, a lot of people don't even have the language
when they're going through something that's so traumatizing.
Speaker 3 (48:11):
Yeah. So uh, if I was able to put two together,
I was able to put two two together much.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
Later, especially during that time, like the language that we
have now was definitely not available forty years.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:27):
How has this experienced like shape your understanding of relationships
and family dynamics? Like, because I know you have your
own kids, but like, I'm pretty sure it gotta be
hard for you to not only not just trust men,
but to trust people in general.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
Right, you know what? Right? Right?
Speaker 2 (48:43):
Especially I've been.
Speaker 3 (48:47):
I've been celibate for twenty years now. I refuse to
let a man touch me, even though I've been married twice.
I even told my what I said my first husband,
you know, I'm gonna stop having sex with you, but
the one to have sex with you and I would
pay a postitute to have text.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
So you didn't have sex with your first husband.
Speaker 3 (49:09):
I did for a little while. You know, when I
said little way, I mean little while. I'm talking about
like a month, a month or two. I'm not talking
about you because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it.
This seemed like that is with balance to me.
Speaker 2 (49:26):
You know, it wasn't enjoy Yeah.
Speaker 3 (49:29):
It was violence. And I only had sex with my
second husband once. I can't uh so I just ended.
And if I can't stand for a man to touch me,
why I stay? Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
You know, are you gonna work through that in therapy
or do you want to work through that in therapy?
Speaker 3 (49:51):
You know what? They hard to find a good therapist.
You know the reason. That's the reason why I'm able
to speak about it, because that it's mostly just talk therapy,
it's not solution based. What helped me to be able
to share my story with other people, it's because I'm
watching therapetic theraperiod videos right therapist online. They helped me
(50:16):
more than the ones I see in person, because just
talking about it without reframing it, that's no that I
learned those turns from whist.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
If you want one my therapist, I've been going to
her for a long long time and I get I share,
I get like when people need therapists. I always recommend
her because she's a black woman. She can speak the
way that we speak. She understand where we come from,
and she has definitely helped me a lot. So if
you're interested, I can definitely introduce you to her.
Speaker 3 (50:49):
Yeah, you know, you know if I can, you know,
because I was just thinking in the last month or so,
I need to find someone who because one of my therapists,
I had to try to convince my therapist that and
now you old nine years old child does not want
a grown man. There's a male therapist. He said it.
He just made the remark that a child like they
(51:12):
could have a crush on a grown man. I said, no,
child don't even know about that. You might have a
crush on a celebrity, someone far away from you. It's
not gonna have a question on a man that they
can see and touch. Yeah, it's some type of like
Michael Jackson or somebody like even a child does have
(51:33):
a crush on a grown person.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
That child doesn't. It's not sexual.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
There you go, it's not sexual. I had to explain
to the therapist that you're a grown person is deflecting
what they feel up on their child.
Speaker 2 (51:54):
You know, was it hard for you to have a baby?
Speaker 3 (51:58):
About heart getting pregnant?
Speaker 1 (51:59):
Just the thought of like you just having a baby,
because I know you don't really enjoy having sex. But
like so just a thought of like everything that you
went through, was you afraid to have a child and
a fear of something similar, or like just them not
you not wanting them to go through some of the
things that you went through, or just anything in life.
Speaker 3 (52:19):
Yeah, that when I stopped at one mm hmm, and
I would have gotten pregnant by that or with that one.
It wasn't for the fact that my baby daddy, you know,
he flushed my pills down the court when I went
to the clinic to get some more pills. That made
me wait like a week or so, and I was
(52:39):
pregnant by them.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Were you mad?
Speaker 3 (52:41):
I was hurt or hurt? I couldn't get anger. I
still have a problem with anger. I have to delayed emotions.
Like they say someone does something to me or say
something out of the way. It probably take me days, weeks,
or even years to even get mad about whatever they say.
Speaker 2 (53:00):
Do you think that's them from your childhood?
Speaker 3 (53:02):
Mh I would? I would. I've learned that that's a
trauma response with not feeling emotion.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
Yeah, just going dumb.
Speaker 3 (53:12):
Yeah, no, I called those years I was to walk
in bed. I refuse to have another child.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
Are you close with your child now?
Speaker 3 (53:22):
Oh? Yeah? Even though I didn't have feelings and have feelings,
I couldn't love, I couldn't do, but I still had
instincts right by reading magazines and books. I knew what
to sale what to do with my kids right right.
But it was like reading a high tooth book and
(53:43):
just performing but not feeling right because I.
Speaker 2 (53:46):
Was unable to right now. When you was living with
your aunt and them as you got older, was there
ever a time where you just wanted to like like harm.
Speaker 3 (53:56):
Them the not before I left? Yeah, I had got
a knife, and I had because she would make me,
make me sometimes sleep in the living room with her,
and she had two kids at this time, and I
had cleaned on when she went to sleep, I was
(54:17):
gonna kill her, her two children and my grandfather m
and that's all whatever baby want to kill her? Uh
decided to kill it is because that night she's gonna
look in my face and say, I bet you can
eat some pus his wife.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
You know, she was gonna make you eat her out.
Speaker 3 (54:36):
I don't know what that was she told me, but
I knew going well that I would die before that happened.
Speaker 2 (54:43):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (54:44):
The reason why that I had said to myself that
I had to kill this. I'm gonna kill her, but
I'm not a natural killer. So something in me told
me to go and and lay down, go to sleep. See.
Usually she would help me up two or three o'clock
(55:04):
in the morning, even though I had to go to
school the next day. She would have me up waiting
on her or just listening to her, or just staying
up at night with her. Wow. But this particular night
she said that to me, But she didn't bother me
the whole night, even the kids didn't bother me. I
(55:25):
slept all of that night, and that probably was the
first time I went to sleep through the nights for
at least six or seven years.
Speaker 2 (55:32):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (55:32):
You know. The next morning, that's when I saw the
feeling did joint does a bit? I knew that there
was the last night I was going to spend in
that house. I was sixteen, and I didn't care if
I had to sleep in the road in the ditch.
But after school that day, my school counselor called DH
(55:57):
just if two years just were trying to make me
go back home, and he said no. Then you know,
then find out that the whole school knew about They
knew about the beach. My abuse wasn't a secret.
Speaker 2 (56:10):
But why do you think nobody did nothing? And all
this time from five to sixteen.
Speaker 3 (56:16):
They just wouldn't do anything.
Speaker 4 (56:18):
Mmmm.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
They just did come and talk with us when it
was like when I was like in the fifth grade
and the jed just told me I was fast too,
She told me I was fast.
Speaker 1 (56:29):
Imagine how many girls were told they were fast when
they didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 3 (56:35):
Yeah, because I wasn't an only girl. Don't think that
my beach was something unique in that tank.
Speaker 2 (56:41):
Yeh, No, That's what I'm saying, especially in a small town,
like especially if.
Speaker 3 (56:45):
Getting pregnant, just get that, dad, Yeah, having babies about
their uncles.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
Do you feel like your spirituality or your faith played
the role in all of this, especially when it comes
to your healing process?
Speaker 3 (56:59):
Yes, my faith taught me that this is not all
it's going to be, that that God is going to
get with the wicked, and that uh just helped me
to work towards peace in my heart. But I ling
on him to try to keep me propped up, you know, right,
(57:21):
to keep me from going insane. Because said having faith
in God gives you hope, but it doesn't take away
the pain. Yeah, it helps you to deal with the pain,
it doesn't take it away.
Speaker 2 (57:34):
Do you ever question God?
Speaker 3 (57:36):
No? Why his existence? No?
Speaker 2 (57:38):
Just by like why all this happened to me? Like
or were you ever angry with God? That? You know what?
Speaker 3 (57:45):
It's funny that's the message that people would that the
church has taught me that this is God's pan, right you,
I never believed that. I never believe that a loving
God would do this to you, right, I never believed that.
(58:07):
I never believed that that this is some type of
plan because that look at all the people in the world,
and everyone go through something. God I love, and God
does not think of ways to make your life harder.
Speaker 2 (58:23):
So what do you think it was?
Speaker 3 (58:25):
See when I was still that had happened while I was,
y'all a lady in the neighborhood. She did make me
read that Bible, and from my understanding from the Bible
and speaking with her that like in Psalm thirty seven
is you know ninety ten, I remember those strifts because
(58:49):
that you know, she made me read it that God
gonna get rid of the wicked, that the right is
going to possess the earth, so and just telling us
to wait a little while longer gonna see earth. So
I believe that, and I believe that when Jesus said
that those are the memorial to are gonna hear his force.
(59:09):
So I knew that things were happening because that God's
time to make it out. End has a call.
Speaker 2 (59:17):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (59:19):
You know, it's just like that this way that I
guess it. They explained to me whatever that to make
my little young mind like they Yeah, for parents leaves
and go away, and they where they give their children instructions,
waised up to the kids to obey the parent. What
the parent is gone, but when the parent comes back,
(59:40):
the parent is gonna set things straight. Well, I'm waiting
for Jesus to come back to set things straight. And
plus he has the parable like that too, you know
by the rich man leaving and stuff. So that was
so I just know that it's happening and that God
is a call. But I know something is tallsing.
Speaker 2 (01:00:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:00:04):
People people are just you know wicked, Yeah, which is wicked?
Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:00:09):
Doing bad to children? Yeah, No, God is going to
say that I'm laying to say, happen to you for.
Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
A reason, right, Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3 (01:00:20):
I'm thankful that she and sister Jones, they used to
when they see me walking on the road or whatnot,
they always share the scripture. And because said my auntie
us the cursed about it, and my grandfather he told
us when he was younger age and that he used
to be a member of a traveling gospel group singing
(01:00:42):
gospel fool. Right.
Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
And last but not least, how do you honor the
memory of your mother.
Speaker 3 (01:00:50):
From what people told me about her, It's just taking
care of your kids, working for what you have, and
don't fight over on me. Yeah, if a woman come
up and talking about she want my man, she can
have him, and and I say that I'm not fighting,
(01:01:12):
I'm not arguing. I'm gonna throw and let her know
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get his clothes. I'm
gonna throw it out.
Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:01:21):
When a man cheats, I never confronted. I didn't. I
don't confront me in about the cheating waves, right, just go,
just go, Yeah, because I'm not emotionally attached in the
waves right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:01:39):
Well, you know, I'm pretty sure that a lot of
people are gonna be touched by your story and just
to see that you're still hearing you about to turn fifty,
you looking good.
Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
You know, you're staying true to yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:01:52):
Like, I'm really proud of you and I'm happy that
we connected so we can get your story out because
I do believe that it's important for us to share
our storylines because you just never know how they can
be someone else's lifeline.
Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
So I really do appreciate you.
Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
I realized that, Yeah, this is the other people's stories
help me.
Speaker 1 (01:02:12):
Yeah, And to the listeners, if you have any questions,
comments and concerns, please make sure to reach out to
me at hello at thepsgpodcast dot com and until next time,
everyone later. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of
(01:02:33):
the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, app a podcasts, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and
rate the show, and you can connect with me on
social media at the pg podcast
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is advice.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
What's up, Professional Homegirls? It's your Professional Homegirl Ebena, and
we are back for season two premiere.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
How are y'all doing? I hope all is cute. I
am so excited for season two if you couldn't tell,
and I have so many great conversations for you all
to hear. But before we start, let's do some housekeeping. Okay,
First and foremost, y'all, please make sure you subscribe to
(00:44):
the YouTube page at the Professional Homegirl. Full videos of
each episode are dropping every Friday, so please make sure
to support because production costs ain't cheap. Okay, Next up,
follow the instagram on page at the PG podcast. We
are halfway to ten k, even though.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
I think we should have already been there, but that's
another story.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
And the goal is to hit it within this quarter.
I might even do some giveaways, so if I do
hold me down, don't hold me up. Also, we are
adding a new segment to the show, Ask Ebanay. This
would be your chance to ask me for some advice
or if you want to send me some love or
just share your thoughts on a previous episode. You can
(01:28):
now email me at Hello at thephgpodcast dot com. And
I'm also thinking about doing a solo episode really really soon,
so please email me your questions now before we start
this week's episode, because I know y'all feed them.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
I want to give y'all some behind the scenes.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
This has been the hardest episode, y'all, I have ever
done in a very, very long time.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
To the point where I didn't even want to put
this episode out.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Okay, throughout the entire episode, there were times where I
couldn't even find a word during the conversation because looking back,
I believe this episode triggered me. You know, I always
could ask how do I cover so many heavy topics
and to be honest, they don't really bother me unless
it pertains the childhood. And during the conversation with my guests,
(02:17):
the whole time, I was thinking like, why did this
happen to her?
Speaker 3 (02:19):
God?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And I think what really triggered me was that I
don't know if you can hear it, but to me,
it sounded like throughout our conversation she reverted back to
the age she was during that time. I don't know,
maybe it's me, but let me know your thoughts by
emailing me at hello atpsgpodcast dot com, and also y'all
will be able to see my full expressions once the
(02:42):
video drops on Friday, So let me know your thoughts,
because I don't know. I think that was the most
difficult part was hearing how her language and her tone
changes throughout the conversation. And you know, the episode was
so triggering that I didn't even want to put it out,
like as, I spoke to my network about it during
(03:02):
one of our meetings, and I just wanted to get
some feedback from them, and you know, I damn their
cry during that conversation with them, because it was just
so hard for me to even explain what I was
experienced during a conversation with my guests. I spoke to
my producer Taylor about it, and he gave me his
opinion as well as some different ways we can tackle
it if I did decide to put it out, And honestly,
(03:25):
after praying and just sitting in my thoughts, you know,
the one thing that I kept hearing was this is
your why, this is the reason why you started the
Professional Homegirl, And like I always say, you will never
find another one better or better than a professional Homegirl.
So With that being said, Season two premiere, My Father's
(03:49):
Mistress kills my mother is starting now. So to my guests,
thank you so much for being on the show. Oh
how are you doing? How are you feeling?
Speaker 3 (04:03):
I'm okay? Today been break day?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Oh well great, it's good. What happened today? If you
don't mind sharing?
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Oh? I got my money back?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay? What you got to taxes?
Speaker 3 (04:15):
No, someone owe us some money and I had had
to run him down.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
You beat your money in your pocket, You beat somebody up.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
No, I'm all of that. I'd a two months. Oh
you see two old people on the ground and you
have to help us up.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
You ain't even like you're about to be fifty.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Yeah, yeah, I'll be in two months anyways, Okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
If I don't speak to you, happy early birthday?
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Thank you the fact that you're about to turn fifty, Like,
how does it feel sharing your story?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And what has been the most significant aspect of this
of your story?
Speaker 3 (04:59):
What's how I changed? Uh, it's how I change in
my in my forties. Right. I used to I used
to be so ashamed because you know, you are talked
to keep things in the family. Don't talk to anybody about.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
It, especially in the black black community.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Yeah, but that is what contributes to the depression and
the anxiety because that we keep it bottled up and
make us feel as if that we had played a
part in the abuse, right, like that we like that
we did something on And my diad said something to close.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
It, right, like you blame yourself for it?
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yes, when you have to keep quiet? And I realized
that no, keeping quiet, it's only helping the telephile. Yeah,
and it causes and when you hold things like that in,
it can develop into mental illness.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Yeah, that's a fact. That's a fact.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
You know a lot of people who do who do
have mental illness. Some of that does them from trauma.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Yes, and keeping silent no, no, And plus that and
keeping silent allows the pedophile to go from home to
home or child to child a business, right, And I
want to know who's the pedophile among it? Don't protect them,
(06:28):
they don't need protection. The child needs protection, right. And
how long have you been sharing your story? Like have
you recently started sharing or just recently? Okay, what made
me want to share my story with just last year?
And then I say not just it's just popping my
head maybe I can do this. Maybe I can share
my story too, and and plus watching other people's stories
(06:53):
and make me feel like I'm not alone. And even
though I'm so I much older, but still the feeling
of shame and fear it still be with you, even
though you can live your life, but it's always there. Yeah,
(07:13):
but sharing my story it helps. Yeah, it helps believe stress.
I didn't know that just talking about it can help
you mentally and emotionally.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
So you just started sharing your story a year ago?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Wow, so forty well listening a year ago? Wow, so
you've been holding onto the story for forty nine years.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Yes. Matter of fact, I just told my brother well
about two months ago about our oldest brother raping me
and stuff. Not all my family know about the abuse, right,
but the but my family that I lived with you,
but not the ones on the outside.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And what does your brother say about that? Because I
was going to bring that up later, but since we
heard say.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
The thing is he was shocked. He basically like for real,
you know, for real he did that to you. My
sister in law said that I wish I had known
Baptists earlier because said she used to beat him up
when they were young, and she said, I would have
just beat him up more for you.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Right. Wait, you say your sister in law, So she's
not married to the brother that was sexual abusing Okay.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
No, no, this is another lady, the one who's sexual abuse. Man,
he never married.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Mmm.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Where is he at now?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Oh? Where he should be thead Wow? Mm hmmm. He
died but then g though he died a good death,
he died died from a heart attack.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Mmm.
Speaker 4 (08:53):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
You know when I heard your story, I.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
The moment I was able to catch my brother, you
exposed something else and I'm just like, this can't be real.
Like I feel like from the age of five to
maybe in your like your twenties, I feel like it
was just NonStop.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
It was non stop. And then when I allowed myself
just to think about my life, I'm thinking, it's surprised.
I'm surprised that I have sanity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
that doesn't mean that, you know, I didn't have trouble
being here because that five years old was when I
(09:35):
first was blested. Was also was the age that I
first attempted suicide.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Mm.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Five years old, and I don't know what I knew,
how I knew about death? And suicide such. But I
tried taking a lot of time and all, you know.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
What's so crazy? Did you used to watch a lot cars?
I'm pretty sure you used to watch like cartoons, right,
it made it came from cartoons. I had a conversation
with this with one of my guests and she tried
to commit suicide when she was a kid, and she
took a lot of pills too, So I was like,
and she was like doing all these interviews and I'm like,
(10:15):
how did she know take these pills? So when I
asked her, she was like, nobody ever asked me that.
She said, I learned from watching the cartoons.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
That power would I learned it from?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Yeah? Or she was just like I knew that if
I was to stop, if I take one pill, it'll
stop the headache. So she was like, I knew if
I was taking more and maybe it'll stop me.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
I just thought about dying. I ain't think might nonn
hit it?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, I just wanted to pain to stop. Yeah, So
let's start from the beginners. Tell us about your family
life before the tragic incident, because I feel like you
had a good family the way that you were describing.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
It, it was before my mother died. She died also
when I was five. I lived with my mother and
my father and my grandpa. My mother worked, my dad work,
and my grandfather lived with us.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And was he sick or my grandfather yeah? Or was
he just older?
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Just old?
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Okay, he was just old.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
No at that time. He did eventually develop diabetes, but
that was years later he did that, hm, But before then,
it was just normal. My mama, she she used to
treat me like a little doll. I was her only girl.
She had four kids and I was her only girl.
(11:41):
Reason why that I can reason why? I know she
did this because that's one of the things that my
aightie and my grandfather told me. Reason why they hated me.
It's because my mother treated me this way. Right, And
other people told me too about how that my mother
always had my hair dumb for.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
You was her baby girl.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
She just she was just proud of her only daughter.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Yeah. What was your parents' relationship like your mom and dad?
Speaker 3 (12:09):
For from what I remember or felt during that time,
it was good until my daddy wanted to cheat, right, Yeah,
because it I remember all the reason why. I don't
remember the whole thing, but I here remember little clips
and then other people full in those clips. For me
is that when my daddy was screaming and then my
(12:34):
mother was running towards him with something her hand. So
later on with people talking about the then I remember, oh,
okay that what was going on? My my daddy wanted
my mama to stay home because that you know that
later find out for Costa that he was meeting up
with another woman at this place and my mother was
going and so he hit her, and so she got
(12:57):
an iron skillet and st hitting him with and she
hit him with her eyes get it. Then he took off,
rinninge because he thought that she was just gonna beat
him to dead, because they you know, hit my mama
and you're going to get dealt with. You know, she
was a small woman, but she you know, defended herself.
(13:18):
But uh, they said, that's the only time they would
have really have conflicts is when he wanted to go
see other women.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
So was he always a cheater or like I mean,
I guess always a cheater right.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
As far as I know, that was all the time
he cheated? Well, I said, for as, I'm pretty sure
he probably meet the women.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Probably And do you think your mom knew about his cheating.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Yes, that's the reason why she died.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Why before the interidem some before then did she yes?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Her and the lady they had got into a physical
fight before. You know, people people in the neighborhood, they
would come up and just start talking about my mother,
you know, telling me about it. Because no one said
anything bad about my mama self for my Amie, but
everyone else they knew her. They said they loved her
and how kind she was and quiet. Then they were
(14:14):
telling me about the lady who killed my mother. It's
because said she was messing around with my daddy and
when she sees my mother, she would start picking at
my mama, and my mama wouldn't say anything back to her.
My mama would try to ignore her, her head on
her business. But I guess she got too close to
(14:34):
my mama one time, then my mama jumped off. You know,
it's only so much picking you can you tolerate. You know,
they said that people always told their lady to just
leave my mama alone, you know, right.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So told us about the day of the when she
killed her.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Mom. I remember the night because said, I remember just
crying big and my mother and stay home I want them.
I was beg and I said, I want my mama,
I want you to stay home. I didn't remember the
color of the outfit, but I do remember seeing one
of her shoulders out and she having her done, and
you know, cause you remember fisting pieces, but you don't
(15:15):
remember everything, right, But I remember that part. And then
I was crying so much. I wanted her to stay.
And I remember somebody telling me to just shut up,
stop acting, you know, stop acting like a small child whatever.
And my mother left left out, and this the last
time I seen it. She went down what we called
(15:36):
the hole, and she went to a house party. And
at the house party, they were playing dominoes and my
mother was just standing around the table, just watching them
playing dominoes. That night, and then the lady that Nadine
uh Lucille and by would call me another one we
(15:57):
called men and Pearl. The three of them they walked
into until the house that were in and everybody said
they had forgot that my mama was eating there because
she was so quiet, she just sitting in there looking
and then they realized she was still up there when
they started picking on her. They got into it and
they said that they told my mama, don't fight over Junior.
That was my daddy, don't fight over him. But at
(16:20):
some point the three ladies left. And then when they
left and they said that more than person told me that.
They said that my mama said that they think she
can have to I'm going home, and I'm gonna go
home and take her and my babies. My mama did
have a knife on her and the knight she had
when she got ready to leave, she threw it in
(16:42):
the ground right it was still sticking up in the
ground because that she was disarming herself and she was
saying that I'm not gonna fight, I'm gonna I'm not
gonna argue these women. She was done. She threw with it.
She want my daddy, She's gonna have it, because she
was they on kicking my daddy out, just leaving the relationship.
(17:03):
But the way is the the hole that set up
the lady. She lived down on the opposite end of
the road that leads out of the hole, but in
front of her house, the train tracks were over there
and she was able to cross the railroad tracks down
the path because that she she I guess that she
(17:24):
knew that my mama was leaving and this is the
only way my mama could get out is go down
this road. And they when she ran, those three ladies
ran home, got a gun down there in front of her.
How they crossed over to their path and they ran
down there and beat my mama down to the end
of the road. And as my mama was walking home,
(17:46):
they jumped out of the bushes. They jumped out of there.
The lady told my mama, don't you move, and my
mama tried to walk around the three window mm hmm.
And then when she I heard my mom shot my
mom in the heart.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Wow that How do you know this? You're just getting
bits and pieces from everybody.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Yeah, people who witnessed this because I asked, right, Bradley
is a small area, and I knew I knew the
grown people. I asked later on when I was five, Right,
right then, I asked the grown people down there because
they were all living down there. And plus that my ainting.
(18:30):
She owned another ain'ting, not the one I did it,
but my ain'ting on my daddy side. She owned the
club down that way.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
You know this is given like a movie, right, I.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Don't know just the way you're describing it because I
can picture it in my head. And then the fact
that like if you was five, so this was what
forty four years ago, like this in the South, I
know exactly what you're talking about in the South. So
I could just see like the imagery of it of
a woman walking down the street and three women in
the bushes hiding, yes, waiting for her.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Yes, yes, they ran down the path. That's how they Well,
I'm describing it to you. It's the way we'll describe
to you.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
So when you heard it, how did that make you feel?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
It? It made me feel hurt that you know, brought
back the pain of losing my losing my mama again,
and then it made me feel that my mama was
trying to escape from she was she she said, she
told the people that she was going to break it
(19:39):
off with my daddy and that the lady could have
my daddy. That she didn't want my daddy anymore because
my daddy messing out with a woman that's trying to
harm her, and she has four kids that she needs
to take care of, and you know, and she was
going to just leave it, leave that alone, because it
(19:59):
was in the first time, you know, I got to
tell you before they weren't first. What's in the first
time that my mama and these women got into you know,
all got into it. They you know, they always try
to gain my mom right after my mama beat the
woman up. You know, from being on it's always being
a group to goot against her.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener, discretion is a vice.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
But wasn't your father messing with the mistress the main
mistress messing with her homegirl thing is.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
So other you're probably talking about that the fact that
other three ladies, one of them, one of them is
the mother of my oldest brother on my daddy's side. See,
they were all cousins. They were cousins, and your daddy
was different. How your daddy was different, Yeah, he you know,
(21:03):
he wasn't kidding to him saying he didn't care right
and everything. The women didn't.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Care right because they cousins.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Yeah, their cousins. When I say cousin, I'm talking my
first cousins towetor's children. Right.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
So how many kids did your father have.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
And all he had seven mm hm, so my mom
and five on the out side. But but the best
of them, they were they are much older. I'm the
I'm next to the baby, and the next one is
like seven years older than me. Mm hmmm, yeah, seven
eight years older than I am.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
So when you're when your mom got shot by her,
did anybody see us?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Yes? See when they seen the women, then what they
told when they seen when they seen the women, a
group of them start running down the road. They would
running that road. They were screaming because they thought that
was she was trying. They were trying to gain No,
gan't fight. My mama didn't know. They didn't know she
had a gun until they got wiped that up up
there on them. By the time they reached up that
(22:08):
that's when she shot my mother. My uncle from my
from my dad's side, he was there and he and
a couple other men. They loaded my mama up in
a car instead of calling the ambulance. The ambulance was
like fifteen minutes away the hospital. They was taking my
(22:30):
mother too. They took my mother to it's forty five minutes. Wait,
why did they do that? They thought that they could
make it to Hope quicker than the ambulance. Sayce they
ambulance had to come. It was stupid because my Mama
didn't die until they got in Hope.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
So true was alive for forty five minutes.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah, by by forty five minutes, that means that she
led out the she didn't have to die. Emilast cul
came in fifteen minutes and stopped the bleeding.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Do you think they did that with good intentions?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
I think so, because I said one of was my
uncle and they were closed and I don't know because
I said, I'm thinking like they didn't know the basic
concept was first aid. That night, paramedics could have went
her first aid to my mother and my mama was
still alive all of that time, right. She died in
(23:33):
my uncle's lap. And the last my uncle said that
the last thing she said was to tell Daddy to
take care of my babies. And she died.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
And then when they rise at the hospital, the doctor,
the doctor pronounced her dad while there in the car.
Excuse sitting in the car?
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
So when did you find out that your mom passed away?
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Like?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Who told you at that at the age of five?
But did somebody come to the house or the sheriff.
The sheriff came to the house, came to our house.
The next day and I wasn't standing. It was an
open we had an open four plan, and.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
I was standing in the dining room park which which
is far away from the living room door.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
But my older brother, I have an older brother with
my mom who is two years older than I am.
M he gets started crying and hollering, and my eighties
she came up in there. And that's when you know,
because my grandfather wanted to answer, and everybody gets start
hollering crying. I didn't understand what was going on.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I mean, yeah, you were five, so how could you.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
And then I heard my eighties say that they killed her.
They killed her?
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Really I did not understand what what was going on.
And when we went to my mama's funeral, I thought
my mama was just laying up their sleep. I didn't
staying there was a coughing because that she was laying
there asleep, and the white stuff just looked so comfortable,
and she looked like she was just asleep. See. I
(25:10):
was used to seeing my mama asleep during the day
because she worked at night.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Right, So when did it finally hit you?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
I kept asking my grandfather, where's my mama? After the funeral.
I actually thought that my mama would be hauled before
we before we got there, because that because that I
was there saying, why I'm every now here asleep with
all these people walking around crying around her? And at
the funeral, a woman walked up to me and she said,
(25:40):
it's okay to cry. I didn't understand why she thought
I was gonna cry. I just wanted my mama to
get herself up and come on here. You know. Other
words denial, Yeah, yeah, denial, because I'm pretty sure I
probably knew what death was, but I was I didn't
want to accept it. This is what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Oh, maybe you didn't.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Maybe you really thought she would sleep, especially if that's
the first time somebody that was close to you passing away.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Yes, And and then when I asked my grandfather about it,
he would always say, well, she's taking Alan now right
on the trip, so they father confused me.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Yeah, but but ever then I do what that was.
I've probably just never seen death were that close. Yeah,
that could be a till.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
After I was blessed it the way of my mother
wasn't being there and my dad because that when my
mama died, I watch my dad too because he abandoned us.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Well, wait, what happened to the mistress? Like, did she
ever get in she go to jail or I don't
know if she.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
Went to jail. I can't tell you definitely, but I
do know she got twenty years probation.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Twenty years probation.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
For that jail time. She didn't get jailed time, plead
it out, and the judge gave her probation. Wow vrobation
in two thousand oh.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
So she still is? She still alive?
Speaker 3 (27:10):
Yeah? The last place I know her the work was
in Children's hospital in Little Rock.
Speaker 4 (27:17):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Matter of fact. Matter of fact, I was at the
children hospital for some reason, and I went inside the cafeteria.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
And you saw her.
Speaker 3 (27:29):
Yeah, she wrung up my food.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Did she recognize you?
Speaker 3 (27:34):
I don't know, but I didn't recognize her, but my
brother did mm m. And I wanted to go in
there and just act the clown what I did. Again.
Then again, he didn't tell me that after we left anyway.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
So because he knew he was gonna no be has
I don't know, I never know, yep, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
But I know I was hurt to know that this
lady feared bringing up my food that I brought in
the cafeteria, and of course she didn't say anything because
she didn't act like that she knew me.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
You know, Yeah, how did she look? Did she look
the same to you or probably not because you didn't
recognize her.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
No, I didn't recognize her. And that was one of
the conditions of her probation. The judge told her that
she must leave brand and she can't live in Bradley.
That was a condition a whole qurobation too. Mm hmm.
But my aintie and one of the ladies that was
with her when she killed my mama, they got into
a shooting match. Yeah, the lady was mm hmm. We
(28:45):
were living in a duplex. The two of the ladies
were over there in the middle park, right, They ain't
had a raffle and she had a pistol and you,
I mean, into that torelet down. You could see the
bullet holes. You know, they trying to killing each other
doing in Arkansas. She tried to kill the lady who
killed her sister.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
And this was recent, No, at the time, oh, at
the time, at the time. So wait, how did your
dad handle everything? Because I know you said that he
abandoned y'all.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
I don't know. I don't know, but I know that
he married another lady that he has even met, just
a few months after after my mama was dead. He
popps mary her within like a couple of months. So
he didn't agree.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Did y'all ever speak or like, what's your relationship like
with him now? If he's still alive.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
He died in two thousand and eight. I didn't have
a relationship really when I got When I turned about ten,
his wife forced him to come and pick me and
my brother up. See, he only had this two children
by my mother, and she made him come and pick
us too up for holiday. But before then, you know,
(30:03):
he didn't have anything to.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Do with ups. So he never spoke to you about anything.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
No.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
One time, when I was like fourteen, I brought it up.
Then my stepmother she cut me off, let me know that,
you know, don't talk about that, and then she tried
to put my mama down a woman. She never met,
my woman that was dead when she started messing around
with my daddy and she talking about Junior. He don't
(30:33):
like dark skinned women anyways, he liked like skin. But
my daddy had baby, had two kids by two different
light skinned women, right, and he had a baby by
two dark skinned women. He didn't I guess he didn't
say anything. He just looked at her like, why are
you saying that kind of look?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
And my daddy was a light skinned man. But so
what But but what I was thinking at the time
when she said that she was trying to she was
putting my mother down. I had develop a habit of
not saying anything. Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You just started to become silent.
Speaker 3 (31:14):
I had went years when I talked.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
How many years I.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Probably went by the good four or five years while
speaking at all. Yeah, unless somebody forced me to say something.
For example, people, I wouldn't even tell people my name.
I wouldn't tell people anything. And the teachers, they eventually
stopped calling my name because they know that I weren't
going to speak.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
When did you start doing this?
Speaker 3 (31:41):
I started doing this problem when I was like in
the second grade. Wow, No, because said the abuse got
so bad for me, right that I sort of checked
out a reality. So at this point you're living with
y'all and your grandfather, you and your three siblings. Yes,
(32:04):
And was she only mean to you or what she
mean to everyone else?
Speaker 2 (32:07):
As well.
Speaker 3 (32:09):
She was mean to everyone, but I was the main one.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Right.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
The boys had to truly do something wrong for her
to beat them because she didn't give us whoop, and
she give us she gave us a beat down mm hmm.
And and she would beat our grandfather. I watched her
beat my grandfather with a hammer.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Is that her dad?
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Yeah? I can see it, running into the kitchen grabbing
the night my grandfather laying on the couch. I think
he was watching Gus smoke or something. I don't nowhere
she just went went went in the kitchen, grabbed a
knife and went over there to him and just grabbed
his arm and just start cutting in my grandfather's arm.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
What do you think was going on with your aunt?
Speaker 3 (32:55):
She was on crack. She was a crackhead and stuff
and the dark.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Well there you go, up. It was the drugs. Have
you ever remember her being not being on drugs and
doing and drinking.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Mm hmm always when I was grown right, it was
after she had went to prison and stuff. When she
wasn't on drugs, EPA. She was a total different person, right, Oh,
when she when my Auntie wasn't on drugs, she was
the kindest person. That you would want to meet. She
(33:33):
stayed off the drugs for a long time when I
was grown. I had I gave birth to my son
when I was eighteen, and she was the only one
there for me. Can you believe that?
Speaker 2 (33:44):
You know what's so funny? I can don't be the
main ones.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Because she wasn't on drugs.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Yeah she was.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
She was only one of the family who came to
the hospital and visited me.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
She probably was trying to right her wrongs.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Yeah, she she did apologize when she thought she was dying.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Mmm.
Speaker 3 (34:04):
I didn't take the apology seriously because I said, you
apologize when you're not in.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
The hospital, right, So where is she at now?
Speaker 3 (34:13):
She died in nineteen She died from stroke twenty nineteen. Wow, yeah,
well just before the pandemic.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Yeah, And did y'all ever have like a conversation or
that was it?
Speaker 3 (34:29):
That was it about the abused?
Speaker 2 (34:32):
No?
Speaker 3 (34:32):
She well, she apologized whom she did apologize again. She
did apologize again. But then again, you know, I guess
that I wasn't accepting apology because it was too much
with just too much. But she did make me feel
good when she started when during that time when she
wasn't on drugs. That she treated me with mothery love.
(34:54):
She treated my child with deep wave.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
So did you Is it safe to say you forgave her?
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Yeah? I guess I probably. I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I don't hate her, but I still hate
the what happened, right, she she gave my body to me.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Well wait before we get there, because you was living
with your aunt at the age of five, and that's when.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
The abuse started. So I don't want to go through
every story because I feel like I don't want to
like when you tell your story, is it retriggering.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
For you sometimes?
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Yeah? So I want to be mindful of that. But
how many men would you say took advantage of you?
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Oh? I never counted. You're probably good close to ten
that I can remember.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Right, have you ever ran into any of these men
as a grown up? Because you still live in the
same place you grew up in, right.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
No, I'm living in Hope now. I confronted one of
the men about what they did to me, what he
did to me, and I didn't when I confront of him,
I wasn't expecting you know, like I'm sorry or probably
get nothing. I just told him, I remember what you
did to me when I was seven years old.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
And what did he say?
Speaker 3 (36:15):
He said, I don't know what he's talking about. Then
I said that you but less he was blessed me.
He didn't exactly rape me, but he well, sticking your
figure into a seven year old for john and there
is rated right, and and he just he just looking
at me, and he didn't He just sit there looking
(36:36):
just and stopped talking, you know. And then I just
left it at that because I just wanted him to
note that I remember what you did.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Was this the man that when you was laying with
your brothers, he came on top of you and your
granddaddy was acting like he was sleeping.
Speaker 3 (36:55):
No, that's my amy boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
I thought that was crazy because the fact that your
grandfather was acting like he was sleeping and you saw it,
I was like wow.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
But that wasn't only time the dude that I confronted.
I was by seven years old, and he would come
over to our house, right and he would come and
pick me up, and he would sit right there in
front of my grandfather and we was like less than
this table, or I say, by three or four feet
(37:27):
this table I'm sitting it by three or four feet.
Why we were sitting there clothes and he would put
a blanket on top of us, and he will people
less than me in front of my grandfather.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
But do you think your grandfather was scared?
Speaker 3 (37:39):
He probably was scared. But what forfeiting him from calling
the police after he left? Right? And plus that, why
did my grandfather blame me for it? M My grandfather said,
that happened to me. That man did that to me
because I was fast. This is a man who came
in my house, came picked me up because I was
(37:59):
a kid, and he picked me up off the floor.
And you just say anything right now, it's not the
same man he came up to the house. I was
in the kitchen and I just heard a knock on
the door, and I didn't hear him say this is
LB whatever. But my grandfather turned round into me, you
know exactly what he wants to do. Go out through
(38:20):
the back door, because the only time he did something.
Try that protect me, Tell me that I know going
what he wanted to do, and to run.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion as a vice.
You know when you hear your story because I'm from
the South as well. So when you hear your story
and you when you share your story, how often do
you hear similar stories that's that's similar to yours from
the that's from the South. Because I feel like this
(38:58):
goes on a lot within our community, but i feel
like it also goes on a lot in like these
smaller towns in the South, and I'm pretty sure it's
all over the world. But just being from the South,
especially being like your dark skinned woman being called fast
and like, like, it's just it's insane.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
As I've growing up, you know, I knew sever kids
that was raped by boyfriends or by uncles. I even
knew boys that were raped. So even boys are not safe.
Yeah boys, my baby I'm gonna say this because he
(39:37):
doesn't watch uff like this, but my baby brother was
raped by my oldest brother.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
And is this the same oldest brother that's sexually abusing
that's rape.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
They raped me. He raped my baby brother and he
told and my amy forced him to say another boy
actually raped him. Wow, because said she forced my brother
to say that another child rapped him because she didn't
like that child's mother.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
WHOA that is crazy, So.
Speaker 3 (40:13):
That child got sent off, he got punished, legally punished,
and I just found out in two thousand. My brother
just told me two thousand and nine that that wasn't true.
He said, we was over there to my trailer and
he said, do you remember that time when when I
said that Pig raped me and Pig got sent off.
Pig didn't rape me? Did pat just made me say
(40:38):
Hig raped me because she didn't like, Wow, Higgs, mom.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
That is wow. That is crazy.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
So you can't even you can't even be even though
the child was raped, could be raped or blested, you
still have to wonder whether or not somebody else's making
that child point at a different person. But I went
and told his mam what my brother told me, and
I told her that you know that Pig didn't do that.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
No, I made her say.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
She just cried. She just asked me questions and nothing.
She was just cried, just.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
Cry And where's her son at now?
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Oh? Oh, oh, Pig. I don't know what Pig gets.
He didn't even jail or anything. He was some woman
knowing him. He's a womanizer. Now he's not a rapist,
but he's a womanizer.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
Do you think your brother sexually abused any more other kids.
Speaker 3 (41:37):
Yes, I know, cause they say so. Mmmm, of cours,
I know I'm the only girl. On the rest of
the kids he raped were boys.
Speaker 1 (41:47):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
And and then I found out when I was like
eighteen looking before. See, I didn't find out that he
raped my He was the one who waked my brother
at that time. But I found out years before then
that he rapped other little balls. Cous the grown up
knew about it.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Mmm. Do you think something happened to your older brother.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
No, he died from a heart tag walking to Walmart.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
You know what I'm trying. I just like you think
somebody sexually abused him.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
I don't know. I didn't talk to that boy. You know,
you know he did that to me. And I can
remember say, we originally from Knacadobia and wait, where are
you'all from Knockadolchia's Texas? Oh okay, well, originally from there.
So that's why I didn't know about the older siblings.
(42:39):
So they were all from the Bradley Grey off from Bradley,
and I had been blessed many times before that. Then
I thought that when I found out I had an
older big brother, I thought that he was gonna eat
my protector. That reason why I put myself in his presence, right,
I guess that they shattered my world knowing that he
(42:59):
didn't only tell me, he actually took my opportunity ro Yeah,
the rest of the men, they would finger me to
this point. They will finger me because he started raping
me when I was seven, and and then there's probably
reason why that my aiding star allowed men to rape me.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
How are you how are you feeling with all this?
Like do you like do you go to therapy? Like,
how do you like go to therapy? Okay, cause this
this is a lot to unpack, Like do you ever
just sit down and just be like, like especially what
you're about to hit a milestone and you turn it
fifty like like you got to be proud of yourself
for just like being sound mind.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
And just surviving. No, seriously, because this would have people
like going crazy.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
I don't know why going to therapy and stuff. You know,
I learned terms so for my behavior. This is assist associates,
m But it's really not happening to me, right, that
happened and I'm in the stage word that I'm trying to.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
Comfort heal your inner child, Yes.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Because it it feels like that. Sometimes I be like
up in the high coner looking, you know, like an
herd coner, looking that somebody is hurting and I can't
do anything.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
I can't say it, But does it hurt you that
you can't do anything?
Speaker 3 (44:24):
The hurt that I feel is the hurt that I carried.
Since then, it seemed like that that pain, that hurt,
it hasn't went away. It's just something that you learn
to cope.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Yeah, that's a fact.
Speaker 3 (44:37):
And you developed I'm not talking about mutip personality, but
you just learn how to deal with it. Yeah, because
you have to separate that person from the rest of
your things, right, you know, even though that that person
is always there, that person always pulling, that child is
always crying, that child always wants safety and it and
(45:02):
it causes you to behave in ways that you didn't
understand why you behave in a certain place.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
You gotta get to the root of it, yeah, because
sometimes your brain would also protect you from certain things
so you won't get triggered and you won't act a
certain way. And that's that's how I deal with it.
Put it inside the spot.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
And partmentalize it.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
When I get triggered. I don't have to talk about
it too, but that that panic to come in. Then
I'm thinking, like, gosh, Lee, it's just so much trauma.
Feels up on trauma. It was no relief for it,
you know, because it Then when I got older, by ten,
(45:50):
a man whych in front of my grandfather, in front
of my anie. He just leaned over with then my faith,
I'm not going to mess with you because you talked
too much. Oh I got a beating for that.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
So when did you realize that your aunt was selling
you to all of these men.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
In my bedroom? When I got awake in my bedroom,
in my little mind, I thought it was musters right.
I didn't realize that it was actually actual men. That's
where my mind connected with actual people. When that when
my Ami had a baby and she forced me to
take her of that baby, and I was getting up
(46:29):
at night fixing the baby bottle and I walked into
the kitchen. My Auntie was standing there with a man.
I knew that there was her boyfriend at the time,
and and she said, there should go. You canna have it,
you can get it. And he looked at Pat and
he said, Pat, I don't mess around with you. I
was trying to get her boyfriend to go in there
(46:51):
and have sex. Witheop I in my mind, I'm still
saying monsters. But one of the men actually came into
my room because that's when I saw sleeping on the
floor because I had I started putting the baby in
the bed with my grandfather, and I would sleep on
the floor under my bed to hide. And a man
(47:11):
came in and I don't work it didn't recognize the forest.
He said, pat, she's not here, because that you know,
he's coming into my room. And I would just see
the feet, and you know, I didn't say anything, and
and my at had just started, you know, beating me
and talking like that. I talked too much and I
(47:31):
act like I'm too good for people. But stuff she
was talking about, I was talking about that why nobody
want you? No man? Won't you imagine telling a ninety
ten year old that because you talk too much and
because you act like you look good, that grown men
don't walk the halfs No? Imagine how confused I was
(47:54):
that why would I want a gown? I didn't understand
even though you know what, just because child is bolested
or great doesn't mean the child understand what's sexy.
Speaker 2 (48:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah, a lot of people don't even have the language
when they're going through something that's so traumatizing.
Speaker 3 (48:11):
Yeah. So uh, if I was able to put two together,
I was able to put two two together much.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
Later, especially during that time, like the language that we
have now was definitely not available forty years.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:27):
How has this experienced like shape your understanding of relationships
and family dynamics? Like, because I know you have your
own kids, but like, I'm pretty sure it gotta be
hard for you to not only not just trust men,
but to trust people in general.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
Right, you know what? Right? Right?
Speaker 2 (48:43):
Especially I've been.
Speaker 3 (48:47):
I've been celibate for twenty years now. I refuse to
let a man touch me, even though I've been married twice.
I even told my what I said my first husband,
you know, I'm gonna stop having sex with you, but
the one to have sex with you and I would
pay a postitute to have text.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
So you didn't have sex with your first husband.
Speaker 3 (49:09):
I did for a little while. You know, when I
said little way, I mean little while. I'm talking about
like a month, a month or two. I'm not talking
about you because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it.
This seemed like that is with balance to me.
Speaker 2 (49:26):
You know, it wasn't enjoy Yeah.
Speaker 3 (49:29):
It was violence. And I only had sex with my
second husband once. I can't uh so I just ended.
And if I can't stand for a man to touch me,
why I stay? Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
You know, are you gonna work through that in therapy
or do you want to work through that in therapy?
Speaker 3 (49:51):
You know what? They hard to find a good therapist.
You know the reason. That's the reason why I'm able
to speak about it, because that it's mostly just talk therapy,
it's not solution based. What helped me to be able
to share my story with other people, it's because I'm
watching therapetic theraperiod videos right therapist online. They helped me
(50:16):
more than the ones I see in person, because just
talking about it without reframing it, that's no that I
learned those turns from whist.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
If you want one my therapist, I've been going to
her for a long long time and I get I share,
I get like when people need therapists. I always recommend
her because she's a black woman. She can speak the
way that we speak. She understand where we come from,
and she has definitely helped me a lot. So if
you're interested, I can definitely introduce you to her.
Speaker 3 (50:49):
Yeah, you know, you know if I can, you know,
because I was just thinking in the last month or so,
I need to find someone who because one of my therapists,
I had to try to convince my therapist that and
now you old nine years old child does not want
a grown man. There's a male therapist. He said it.
He just made the remark that a child like they
(51:12):
could have a crush on a grown man. I said, no,
child don't even know about that. You might have a
crush on a celebrity, someone far away from you. It's
not gonna have a question on a man that they
can see and touch. Yeah, it's some type of like
Michael Jackson or somebody like even a child does have
(51:33):
a crush on a grown person.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
That child doesn't. It's not sexual.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
There you go, it's not sexual. I had to explain
to the therapist that you're a grown person is deflecting
what they feel up on their child.
Speaker 2 (51:54):
You know, was it hard for you to have a baby?
Speaker 3 (51:58):
About heart getting pregnant?
Speaker 1 (51:59):
Just the thought of like you just having a baby,
because I know you don't really enjoy having sex. But
like so just a thought of like everything that you
went through, was you afraid to have a child and
a fear of something similar, or like just them not
you not wanting them to go through some of the
things that you went through, or just anything in life.
Speaker 3 (52:19):
Yeah, that when I stopped at one mm hmm, and
I would have gotten pregnant by that or with that one.
It wasn't for the fact that my baby daddy, you know,
he flushed my pills down the court when I went
to the clinic to get some more pills. That made
me wait like a week or so, and I was
(52:39):
pregnant by them.
Speaker 2 (52:40):
Were you mad?
Speaker 3 (52:41):
I was hurt or hurt? I couldn't get anger. I
still have a problem with anger. I have to delayed emotions.
Like they say someone does something to me or say
something out of the way. It probably take me days, weeks,
or even years to even get mad about whatever they say.
Speaker 2 (53:00):
Do you think that's them from your childhood?
Speaker 3 (53:02):
Mh I would? I would. I've learned that that's a
trauma response with not feeling emotion.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
Yeah, just going dumb.
Speaker 3 (53:12):
Yeah, no, I called those years I was to walk
in bed. I refuse to have another child.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
Are you close with your child now?
Speaker 3 (53:22):
Oh? Yeah? Even though I didn't have feelings and have feelings,
I couldn't love, I couldn't do, but I still had
instincts right by reading magazines and books. I knew what
to sale what to do with my kids right right.
But it was like reading a high tooth book and
(53:43):
just performing but not feeling right because I.
Speaker 2 (53:46):
Was unable to right now. When you was living with
your aunt and them as you got older, was there
ever a time where you just wanted to like like harm.
Speaker 3 (53:56):
Them the not before I left? Yeah, I had got
a knife, and I had because she would make me,
make me sometimes sleep in the living room with her,
and she had two kids at this time, and I
had cleaned on when she went to sleep, I was
(54:17):
gonna kill her, her two children and my grandfather m
and that's all whatever baby want to kill her? Uh
decided to kill it is because that night she's gonna
look in my face and say, I bet you can
eat some pus his wife.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
You know, she was gonna make you eat her out.
Speaker 3 (54:36):
I don't know what that was she told me, but
I knew going well that I would die before that happened.
Speaker 2 (54:43):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (54:44):
The reason why that I had said to myself that
I had to kill this. I'm gonna kill her, but
I'm not a natural killer. So something in me told
me to go and and lay down, go to sleep. See.
Usually she would help me up two or three o'clock
(55:04):
in the morning, even though I had to go to
school the next day. She would have me up waiting
on her or just listening to her, or just staying
up at night with her. Wow. But this particular night
she said that to me, But she didn't bother me
the whole night, even the kids didn't bother me. I
(55:25):
slept all of that night, and that probably was the
first time I went to sleep through the nights for
at least six or seven years.
Speaker 2 (55:32):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (55:32):
You know. The next morning, that's when I saw the
feeling did joint does a bit? I knew that there
was the last night I was going to spend in
that house. I was sixteen, and I didn't care if
I had to sleep in the road in the ditch.
But after school that day, my school counselor called DH
(55:57):
just if two years just were trying to make me
go back home, and he said no. Then you know,
then find out that the whole school knew about They
knew about the beach. My abuse wasn't a secret.
Speaker 2 (56:10):
But why do you think nobody did nothing? And all
this time from five to sixteen.
Speaker 3 (56:16):
They just wouldn't do anything.
Speaker 4 (56:18):
Mmmm.
Speaker 3 (56:18):
They just did come and talk with us when it
was like when I was like in the fifth grade
and the jed just told me I was fast too,
She told me I was fast.
Speaker 1 (56:29):
Imagine how many girls were told they were fast when
they didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 3 (56:35):
Yeah, because I wasn't an only girl. Don't think that
my beach was something unique in that tank.
Speaker 2 (56:41):
Yeh, No, That's what I'm saying, especially in a small town,
like especially if.
Speaker 3 (56:45):
Getting pregnant, just get that, dad, Yeah, having babies about
their uncles.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
Do you feel like your spirituality or your faith played
the role in all of this, especially when it comes
to your healing process?
Speaker 3 (56:59):
Yes, my faith taught me that this is not all
it's going to be, that that God is going to
get with the wicked, and that uh just helped me
to work towards peace in my heart. But I ling
on him to try to keep me propped up, you know, right,
(57:21):
to keep me from going insane. Because said having faith
in God gives you hope, but it doesn't take away
the pain. Yeah, it helps you to deal with the pain,
it doesn't take it away.
Speaker 2 (57:34):
Do you ever question God?
Speaker 3 (57:36):
No? Why his existence? No?
Speaker 2 (57:38):
Just by like why all this happened to me? Like
or were you ever angry with God? That? You know what?
Speaker 3 (57:45):
It's funny that's the message that people would that the
church has taught me that this is God's pan, right you,
I never believed that. I never believe that a loving
God would do this to you, right, I never believed that.
(58:07):
I never believed that that this is some type of
plan because that look at all the people in the world,
and everyone go through something. God I love, and God
does not think of ways to make your life harder.
Speaker 2 (58:23):
So what do you think it was?
Speaker 3 (58:25):
See when I was still that had happened while I was,
y'all a lady in the neighborhood. She did make me
read that Bible, and from my understanding from the Bible
and speaking with her that like in Psalm thirty seven
is you know ninety ten, I remember those strifts because
(58:49):
that you know, she made me read it that God
gonna get rid of the wicked, that the right is
going to possess the earth, so and just telling us
to wait a little while longer gonna see earth. So
I believe that, and I believe that when Jesus said
that those are the memorial to are gonna hear his force.
(59:09):
So I knew that things were happening because that God's
time to make it out. End has a call.
Speaker 2 (59:17):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (59:19):
You know, it's just like that this way that I
guess it. They explained to me whatever that to make
my little young mind like they Yeah, for parents leaves
and go away, and they where they give their children instructions,
waised up to the kids to obey the parent. What
the parent is gone, but when the parent comes back,
(59:40):
the parent is gonna set things straight. Well, I'm waiting
for Jesus to come back to set things straight. And
plus he has the parable like that too, you know
by the rich man leaving and stuff. So that was
so I just know that it's happening and that God
is a call. But I know something is tallsing.
Speaker 2 (01:00:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:00:04):
People people are just you know wicked, Yeah, which is wicked?
Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (01:00:09):
Doing bad to children? Yeah, No, God is going to
say that I'm laying to say, happen to you for.
Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
A reason, right, Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3 (01:00:20):
I'm thankful that she and sister Jones, they used to
when they see me walking on the road or whatnot,
they always share the scripture. And because said my auntie
us the cursed about it, and my grandfather he told
us when he was younger age and that he used
to be a member of a traveling gospel group singing
(01:00:42):
gospel fool. Right.
Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
And last but not least, how do you honor the
memory of your mother.
Speaker 3 (01:00:50):
From what people told me about her, It's just taking
care of your kids, working for what you have, and
don't fight over on me. Yeah, if a woman come
up and talking about she want my man, she can
have him, and and I say that I'm not fighting,
(01:01:12):
I'm not arguing. I'm gonna throw and let her know
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get his clothes. I'm
gonna throw it out.
Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:01:21):
When a man cheats, I never confronted. I didn't. I
don't confront me in about the cheating waves, right, just go,
just go, Yeah, because I'm not emotionally attached in the
waves right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:01:39):
Well, you know, I'm pretty sure that a lot of
people are gonna be touched by your story and just
to see that you're still hearing you about to turn fifty,
you looking good.
Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
You know, you're staying true to yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:01:52):
Like, I'm really proud of you and I'm happy that
we connected so we can get your story out because
I do believe that it's important for us to share
our storylines because you just never know how they can
be someone else's lifeline.
Speaker 2 (01:02:04):
So I really do appreciate you.
Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
I realized that, Yeah, this is the other people's stories
help me.
Speaker 1 (01:02:12):
Yeah, And to the listeners, if you have any questions,
comments and concerns, please make sure to reach out to
me at hello at thepsgpodcast dot com and until next time,
everyone later. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of
(01:02:33):
the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, app a podcasts, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and
rate the show, and you can connect with me on
social media at the pg podcast
The Breakfast Club News
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.