September 29, 2020 • 64 mins
19th century travelers on the Oregon Trail, nothing goes right.
Extreme Makeover Home Edition, nothing goes right.
Edible arrangement, nothing goes right.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome back to another episode of alchemydos covid N. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, man, Kevin, No, thanks for asking.
I do not know the origin story of the term
kick walk. Why don't you ask craiguck Man? But I digress.
Let's meet our hockeymys shower in no particular order. Please
give a hearty welcome back to put us a niche.
(00:28):
I don't know if you've seen the doc Class Action
Park or not, but please share any memory you have
from childhood involving an amusement park. I'm a big fan
of Class Action Park. I think I talked about it
last time we were on the podcast, and I was
spoilering everything because I was so excited about the teeth
(00:49):
scraping you. Yeah, Oh that's right. You gave us hints.
None of us have seen it. I'm now obsessed with it.
My only comment is, I know you have to give
us the sad news, but why make me feel like
an asshole for enjoying all the death go until the
last act. Oh you know what, it didn't. It didn't
(01:10):
bump with me. I this whole thing. My worst amusement
park memory is that any memory of I have one childhood,
I was at Disney World, I think the only time
I went when I was like six years old, and
I got selected to be in the magic show. There
was like a little magic show a downtown Disney or
(01:30):
whatever that's called the World, And they pulled me up
and the magician, who had done a few tricks that
were to a six year old very impressive, said that
he was going to make me disappear and I needed
to say goodbye to my family, oh my god, and
the Nazis. I was looking around and my my mom.
It was, you know, smiling and like taking a picture
(01:53):
of me, and I just started like I waved goodbye.
I started sobbing, like out did they put a little
yellow star of David on your shoulder? You know? It
turned out the trick was just when he tapped me
with the wand a picture fell out and um it
covered me up like I looked like it turned into
a bunny like a rollout banner. But yeah, good idea.
(02:19):
That was a horrible thing he did. And then I
felt guilty, even as a six year old people pleaser,
of just like, well, I really messed the show up.
So I remember trying to like laugh it off on
stage and be like that. That's funny, so uncomfortable. Oh man,
I love every squirrench of that. And thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Now say hello to Chris Alvarado smiling surfer.
(02:43):
What could most folks do if they just put their
mind to it? Not a lot, not a lot um.
I think you gotta be realistic. Yeah, small, smalltainable goals,
baby steps. Thank you. Hey, there's James Ceeney, Jimmy John.
(03:06):
What the hell? I'm so sorry. I've lost track of
time because it doesn't mean anything anymore. And the more
I find that it doesn't mean anything anymore, the more
I realized it never meant anything anyway. Sorry, no, no,
don't be sorry. It's important we know how you really feel. Look, everyone,
Craigtkowski is back. Any memory you can legally share about
(03:32):
your cross country drive home? You know. I will say
that when it comes to hotels on the road, you
do get what you pay for. And uh, particularly if
you're looking to be across from a meth party in
the Greater Denver area, I recommend the town Bridge Suites
in Southeast Denver. H And also, I think you know,
(03:55):
if you're elderly chigbuahua, only pas and three of the
four hotels you're doing Okay, wow, I appreciate that. Every
damnag uh and last but I see last but least
he's just ya. I'm not even gonna have filler last,
(04:16):
but biscuit less gravy for you. If you think him least,
it's Joey Greer Gertrude. Why why not? I'll tell you
why not? Because so often we so often it's why, right, why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
And then you gotta you're confronted with the why not
and everyone's like, no, that's that's some bad attitude. But
the why not is exactly why because if you don't
(04:38):
have why not, you're never going to ask that question
to do? And that's the second part of why why do?
And that's why not? Why not do? Because why do?
And that's the point of it all because if you
focus on these things, I think we're running out of time. Okay,
the word du is the second half of why? All right,
let's do a damn show. Most all of our scene
(05:00):
suggestions have gathered from our listener emails or from our
Patreon v I p s to become a patron supporter
of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks.
Just head on over the Patreon dot com slash alcm
the If you like to submitted scene suggestion by email,
please write to the podcast at your name here and
this dot com that's your name here. Same number one
(05:25):
comes from listener Thomas, who wrote, good afternoon, longtime listener here,
every one of you is still fantastic. Good to know
coming up on Jesus. I think October is year two.
I'm moving to Michigan from New Jersey soon and it
(05:49):
got made thinking of a scene. A nineteenth century group
is traveling West Oregon trails style, but nothing goes as planned.
Thank for all the laughs, Thomas, PS. I really think
you should give the alchemists code names. I think you should, Thomas.
(06:14):
Is there any more water? Is there any more water
in the back of the way. You know we're trying
to save it. Okay, it's a long trip and you
just keep drinking water, you splash it on your face,
and honestly, you were We're gonna now start divvying out
how much water each person gets a day. Thanks to
you did. No, We've We're gonna We're gonna separate some
(06:38):
water out for everybody at our first stop. Okay, they're
gonna rash in the water force. How are you gonna
separate water with your hands? Under We're gonna use some
canteens and each person is gonna get one half canteen
at the stop. You can drink it all, or you
can leave half the canteen full. We'll fill it up
the rest of the way on the next stop. Thanks.
(06:59):
We managed to try level for three days without seeing
a river of any good. Well, this is riverless County. Okay,
so we've we've got to we've got to stick to
our God. This county is three days long. It's a
big county. I'm sorry I said county when I said
when I meant country. Okay, Martha, my dear, I love
(07:20):
you so much and I so love you. Thank you.
Oh no, it's something wrong. My belly is adorable. Oh
thank you. I can't seem to stop. Fluid keeps two
keeps running out of my button. No, wait, don't, don't
(07:48):
don't recall, don't recoil for me. It's still me. It's
still me, Stanford, you love. No, my love did not
have a fluid to his blood hole. I imagine it's
a sing thing, unlike our love, which is here to stay.
Oh how do you? How do you suppose I help you?
(08:12):
Shall we cook it? Or or I could I could
give you some piece of pig. I think corking it
would be a wonderful idea. I have a cork here
from my grand duty. Pass it to you, and no, no,
I think it's better if you do the plug in
My love, but just married yet, this will be an
(08:33):
an official marriage, I think. Oh, like the ring. How
it's I'm telling you right now, Look, whenever we see
any kind of wagon passed by here, Okay, you jump
out in front and say, oh god, oh god, my
nipples have just exploded. Right, that's what I think. That's
(08:53):
that's ridiculous. You think that's gonna stop a wagon. I
think you need teeth. Again, Let's just wilp out and
hold the guns on him. That's gonna run away. Don't
make him do the neeple thing. We're on foot here. Okay,
look we gotta get that wagon. We gotta get the horses,
we gotta get those pig pots. All right. Look, so
(09:15):
your nipples you got exploded. Then we go on the shide.
All right, I got the shotgun. Okay, Lucy, you're gonna
take the stick, all right, and then we get him.
Just stick. You can't have a gun, okay, lest one
in the mouth. You're gonna fly away if you think
they're gonna evenna fly away. You know what, Don't make
(09:38):
that noise was up. Don't make that noise with the gun.
Don't do that. Make that noise. Don't do that just
a little. If we what if we hit a gun
on she stops the wagon. No one thinks a little
kid is gonna be a problem. They stop the wagon
to the little kid. And then and then you come
(09:58):
out with the stick and you can pop popp after
she pop pop pops. Then I'll come up an move
the cows coming, Get the cow. Don't blast the cow. Cow?
(10:18):
How are you? My nipples just exploded? What are you
even doing? Jim? Can I just tell you I'm happy
that you joined this particular group of cows. Uh? That
(10:43):
human that was just yelling at you there? Yeah? Uh?
Did you make heads or tails? At what the hell
he was saying? No, I mean, I'm a I'm a
cow right very much, only speak at all. But you
you know the term heads your tails? I do know
(11:04):
that term. Do you know where it came from? Oh, well,
so you're thinking I'm a I'm a cow? That as
uh expertise in the derivation of words somehow, Yeah, I
was open. Well, I imagine it comes from coins. Uh huh.
(11:24):
I can't make heads your tails out of something. That's right,
you know. I guess I have a head and I
have a tail, is what I was thinking. Right, Maybe
it comes from us. All right? Which cow are we killing? Well?
I wish I can understand what they're saying. The most
fattest ship, Which one you want? I can shoot them
both in the back of the head. It's not a problem.
(11:45):
Which one has the fattest ass? Do you want to
come over here and look? Because I don't fattest ask?
I wonder where when we're cows? Yeah, we're female cattle. Yeah,
why the hell is that? I don't know? And all
(12:05):
the bulls have girls names. That is strange. There's Linda
the cow. Just come out here and look at the cow.
I'll tell you that fa my love cork. No, don't
know the cork. The court seems to be working. We
(12:25):
want to do that again? I never wouldn't I know.
We don't have our water yet to rinse off seem
too much. No, no, I love you, You've just you
haven't seen enough. Sorry, I don't want to interrupt anybody.
(12:46):
I come in for a second. I guess I'm gonna
fill up your waters. If you guys are ready, you
can hold your canteens out. God, we need a little
extra listen. I want to tell you guys. I this
is gonna sound a little bit gross. But at the
last couple of camp spots that we stopped at, I
noticed the ship hole was filled with a lot of
(13:08):
I don't know how to say this. Somebody's sick, somebody's problems,
and and everybody knows that the rules are if you're sick,
you tell everybody so that we can quarantine you off
in a different Can I fill up your water? You know,
I'm glad you brought this up. I'm sure it's one
of the elder the older man. That's what I was thinking.
(13:29):
They're drinking so much water. It's it's Doc Collins here
here to inspect everyone's assholes that I didn't get to
tell them yet, But just out of just out of fairness,
we're gonna inspect everybody's asking just around tent to tent
taking a look at everybody's asshole. Hello, hello, Doc Collins,
why don't you start with the old people, the really
old people. Well, this is the closest tent to me.
(13:51):
I'm just gonna kind of work my way circular, if
I may. I've I've seen Martha's asshole a bunch, and
it is medically darling. Medically we do, we do our
own inspections. It's perfect. It's perfect. So and I'm just
gonna piggyback and say that I've seen of my fair
(14:12):
of assholes and and this is also I can't imagine
a better one. Doc Stanford, I'm gonna take your word
for it. I will not have to inspect Linda's asshole. Linda,
of course, being a woman, I can't take her words.
So you're gonna have to show your damn it. I'm sorry,
but orders to amputate anyone who's anyone's asshole that is sick. Yeah,
(14:38):
isn't that just going to result in a bigger asshole? Well,
this is this is where medicine is in the nineteenth century.
It's brutal. I'm sorry, dum dumb. Before before the inspection,
can I interest you in a little jerky. Yeah, this
is my own secret stash of jerky I've been holding onto.
You look a little hungry, look tired. You get some jerky. Huh?
(15:00):
You got a little buffalo jerky, buffalo jerky. Wow? Yeah, yeah,
using the whole buffalo. Huh. Hey, where does that saying
come from? How the funk am I supposed to I'm
a doctor, I'm not a lexicographer. Now, if you look
at this track of mark right here, you're gonna see
actual indentation on the gravel. Were massive trains of wagons
(15:24):
were running right through here going to the west coast,
going to Oregon. This is the Organ Trail. And if
you look right behind there, you'll see your wagons. Okay, sir,
you gotta raise your hand if you want to question. Okay,
raised my hand. There's divots in the gravel from something
hundreds of years ago, Yes there is. Yeah. Now if
(15:45):
you check out the mound right behind I got look
at this. Watch what I can do with my foot, Sir, sir, sir, Like,
how am I supposed to believe that was from hundreds
of years ago? When I could wipe it away with
my foot? Disturbed the hollow ground Okay, alright, one calmed down.
(16:08):
Your new fangled freaks. Got some water, Give them water,
get them water off. I only have the san Pellegrino.
I can't. I can't give it to him. It's it's
sparkling and it's mine. I need it for the tour away, sir,
go away. It looks like a giant phantasmagorical asshole. Yes,
(16:35):
right beyond this there's a small mound that I was
talking about. That that's those are buried assholes. They cut
off assholes if anyone who had dysenterry. So there's the
ghost of the assholes. I'm sorry I disturbed them. San
Pellegrino into that butt hole. Okay, let it chug it
(16:55):
rightld load of a little Okay, we got we got
a smaller buttle have I don't have it. I think
that one chugged everything. Okay, everybody, all the let's let's
start building up some spit. We're gonna spit in that
butt hole of Hey, Tim, can you just step in
(17:17):
in the office there? Thank you? Bell have a seat? Yeah,
just going over the new wood paneling in here. It is,
it's brand new wood paneling. My cousin Steve did He's
got a shot downtown and they put it up over
the weekend when nobody was here. Looks great, don't Yeah,
it's Janine's birthday, so I need you to send the car. Okay,
just pass that card around going side. Oh yeah, what
(17:38):
do we get her? Um? Chocolates? Oh great, she loves chocolates?
Did she love ch sure? Yeah, just with all with
all the love, Kip. You don't need to say it
while you're signing it. I don't think okay, I'm just
looking at the notes. Thanks, thanks to and I was
making some chocolate brownies, just out the notes from your
(18:01):
last tour guide and um, it looks like you had
some trouble with the assholes again, is that right? Yeah?
Well someone disturbed the grounds and hey guys, uh, I
know I'm the birthday girl, but I just want to
go on record. I don't want a big fuss made
over me. Um, it's so embarrassing. And I am allergic
(18:21):
to strawberries but bonkers for cocoa chocolate. But I don't
want a big cuss. Don't don't sing the song. I
won't stop lushing for a week. So you're saying, no fuss,
no fuss, just just something tasteful if anything or nothing,
I don't, I don't care, I want to, I don't.
(18:41):
I don't need anything. I don't like a fuss. How
about a happy birthday from us? Oh no, yeah, right here,
right now, Happy birthday. Oh I hope that I've thought
you meant you. We're going to sing the song. I
don't want it, so it's fun. Um, damon what and
(19:03):
I'm saying, don't do anything but the guys. Um, the
guys are just going crazy. If you could get that treat,
Oh you guys, get that sweet treat. Okay, but that
was supposed to be for celebration. We're celebrating. Yes, it's
(19:23):
her birthday. Yes it's your birthday. Maybe ever celebrate my birthday? Alright, everybody,
gather around the wagons. Gather around the wagons. Oh this again.
It's been a long road, um, but today we have
a reason to celebrate. Its Thomas's birthday today. So we're
(19:47):
gonna give him a little bit of our water. Each
of us are gonna give him a little bit of
from our ration of water for his days. I barely
got water left. What we gotta get. It's his birth day,
is the tradition. We're starting Yeah, Thomas, Uh so, go
ahead and just go. Thomas looks dead. Thomas doesn't look
(20:08):
like he needs more water because he's not gonna be
around and drinking anything. I think, I think you think
you'll find if you give him a little birthday water,
it'll it'll put a little pepper. You know what, this
has been going on too long. You have been saying
that all the dead people have a goddamn birthday. We
should pour all the water form and then guess what,
we don't have any water, but you seem to have
your skin glistening and your eyes look well hydrated. Goddamn it.
(20:31):
This needs to stop. How we're still in How are
we still in Riverless Country? Two weeks later? I see
mountains there, Riverless County. I'll take the blame for it.
I think I think I accidentally looped us in a circle.
But the circle has stopped. Hey, anybody could have made
(20:54):
that mistake. Once you're between the two, could have made
that mistake. You just go west. What do you mean
a circle? Staff? You just follow the setting sun stop.
It's Thomas's birthday, for God's six, Give me my watch.
My eyes are so shriveled up I can barely see.
(21:15):
I'm not giving my water to Thomas. I had to
apputate assholes so far, and that's a lot of him.
Oh my, it's the grossest thing I've ever heard to
come from Patreon Alchemeniac, who wrote, Hey Kevin and the
(21:39):
alchem that's my health ball as well. I was reading
the news this morning saw a story where some people
got busted with three tons of cocaine. My first thought was,
fuck not Joey's postmate's order. Do you remember the show
Extreme Makeover Home Edition M and the guy that had
the dope ass soul Patchboy? Remember the dope ass soul patch? Nope,
(22:04):
I kind of do. Every time I try to remember
it fully, I just see vanilla ice perfectly, and I
think I might be wrong. I I do remember what
he's talking about, though, well, his scene suggestion has never
before aired. Episode that went horribly wrong somehow. Thank you
all for everything you do. Frune sure crinkle sticks. Yeah,
(22:31):
so I mean the house itself. It was from the
eight hundreds. Um, you know, really nice molding here, as
you can see, and and and and obviously you know
I need to renovate, but I wanted to keep as
much as the historical atmosphere as possible within the home.
I think it adds a lot of character to it, Sarah. Sarah, Sarah. Yeah,
that's why we chose you, because you're always thinking about others.
(22:53):
But this week we are here to think about you.
We're here. That's what. You can't pool from an empty kettle, Sarah. Sorry,
what we're gonna do is we're gonna take this ram shackle.
What what does that mean? You can't pull from an
empty kettle. You can't pull from an empty kettle. Sorry,
you gotta take care of empty No, you gotta take
(23:14):
You've gotta take care of yourself first. You gotta feel
your cattle. Okay, So what we're gonna do, You're gonna
take this place. I'm going to add glam, I'm gonna
add ham, We're gonna go crazy. Marco is going to
do his Marco thing, wearing his strawty little shirts. And
I think you're gonna love what we do because you help,
you help animals. That's amazing. I do. I mean the
(23:35):
property itself sits on you know, twenty two acres, and
I have a bird farm. Uh, Sarah and Sarah, And
that's the thing, Sarah, you keep thinking about the birds,
but we're here to think about your pool. And you
have an ugly house, and so we think you deserve better.
Tricia is gonna get to it, but and I'm obviously
gonna do what I do. But we have someone in store,
(23:55):
some of that you've looked up to for a very
long time. A special guest is gonna help put your
new home together. Welcome your dad. Your dad's here. I
haven't spoken to my dad in fifteen years. How you doing?
How are you doing? Honey? He can't see, isn't he
What do you want? Come out, brig What do you want? So?
(24:17):
What do you want? It's been too long? I know
you killed, mom, I know you killed. How long you
gonna be in Costa Rica? You don't even go to
the fucking funeral? You know? I think it would be fun,
(24:37):
would be to have a fun themed room in the house,
so you know they couldn't find her, asshole? Do you
know that? I didn't know that. But what we're gonna
do is you're gonna take your dining room and turn
it into your favorite thing, a gas strop pub. Okay,
sor um, just let us do our magic and um
it's gonna be so nice. It's it's not your dad's
(25:01):
not here just for for for moral support. I don't
want him here. I don't know if he knows, but
your dad has been the regional manager of Circuit City
in Iowa for the last twelve years. He's going to
fully renovate your home to upgrade all the tech we
did win pounding you for some kind of financial support
after mom died and nothing. You said, he didn't even
(25:21):
have a job city. What the are you serious? City,
Siux City? Everyone go check out second city in Siu
City and don't don't give him, no, don't have Sarah.
The thing is, you keep thinking about others, but today
(25:42):
is about you. So we're gonna send you out to
the van. We're gonna take you out for a little
day spa for you, and when you come back, you're
gonna have a new home and your dad's gonna be
joining you at the spot. What no, no, no, I'm right,
that's right, all right, guys in the back of the van,
(26:04):
getting the back of the van, all right, So what
we gotta hit up that house? Right? We gotta do
that was a new computer lining wherever they got us
at the Circus City doing what. We gotta go in
the van and do that computer lining whatever the fucking
Tindleman's house. Oh okay, you're the boss now and we'll
(26:25):
do Okay, let's do it. Do you want to get
that to me? I don't think that to me a
little man. I'm just telling you don't know what. Let
me just tell you. I had other stops that I
was gonna do before I get to that house. Fine,
if that's the most important house to you, we'll get
there first. What other stops do you have to do? Well?
The first stop? I, uh well, I had no idea.
(26:45):
You had nothing to do, no idea. I had an idea. Okay,
but fine, we'll go to the was the idea? Well, honestly,
I feel like I've neglected my own house. I've been
struggling with internet over there because I'm using tell A
phone chords instead. We got this nice, big dolly rod
full of Cat five net cables, and I thought maybe
(27:07):
we could run one from from the outside line to
my house. But not a big deal. We'll do the
titlements first. Hold on a second, Hello, what Circuit City van? Boys?
Uh no, this is Circuit City HQ. I'm missing some
of my chord, my title five cat chord. I think
one second, did you take cat chord from HQ I
(27:30):
mean that's where we picked it up. Honestly, there's there's
the Cat five shouldn't be that bigger deal. I think
Cat six is the better stuff. I didn't think they
didn't even notice. Did you steal property from HQR. It's
kind of used to the Tittleman property, but there's extra.
Did you said it's in your home? I think she
can hear you. It's not that. I mean I can
(27:50):
said hold on. That should mean that you plug your ears.
I think I think you have me on speaker phones. Sir?
What che Sarah and Sarah's dad. Welcome to the Jade Dragon.
This is a spa where everything you do you must
(28:13):
do together. So this is great. You get one of
these little ladies to walk on your back. Oh yeah,
you're both gonna have little I'd prefer to do something
sol um. I really don't want to be start off
vulnerable with him with a roma therapy, with hug these
browny bites for everyone. No, that's we have a birthday
(28:34):
in the office. I'm sorry you just housed half of
that plate my god, are you and like you're just
so please please please, I see browny bites. I can't resist,
of course you can't. Not just has the gut him
self control. Now it's time to hug. I am not
hugging He'll smell that. I'm not hugging him. You got
(28:54):
your mother's eyes even start, don't even fucking start? Okay,
okay her too. Hello, Hello, welcome to the Jade Dragon.
I'm noticing there's a lot of tension between you two,
so we're going to ask you to this rope completely
and all right, there we go. Oh my god, now
(29:16):
do the hug again again? Did you touch you yourself? Dad?
What are those? Yeah? These were This is your mother's face.
This is this is a jade dragon. Oddly enough, I
I didn't even think about that. I noticed that. That's
very very grand today. Can I take a picture after
(29:39):
all Instagram account? Sure? Absolutely? Okay, guys, I don't have
a smartphone. I'm going to just use my cannon shoe
shot if you don't mind. Well, yeah, where we're doing
to get those at? Sioux City next month? The second city. Yeah,
the second city, Sioux City, that second city. That's yeah,
(30:02):
you guys, give up snacks. It's like Sam's fob. We do,
but no browny bites because I eat it myself. All right, everybody,
welcome back to Sarah's house. Now we're gonna go over
see what kind of progress trishes making again. Get a
little more bouncy, dam just a little more bouncing. The
(30:23):
problem is the bounce than Yeah, it's not a problem,
you got it. Okay, Can I get a count in please? Yeah?
Four three, yellow, fifty forty nine. Hey, everybody welcome. Oh gosh,
(30:54):
I really talked at the wrong time there. I'm sorry.
It seemed like there was a I guess it was
a mix, you know. Just let's just let's let's call
well no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no.
I think I got a great solution. Let's one half hour.
Damn it, it's going great. You guys are really doing
(31:17):
great work. And uh, I think we're going to get
a season pick up. Uh, if we can just finish
the day as strongly as we started. I want to
get I just want to get some salmon before it's
all gone. So if I could just scoop, oh yeah,
sure sure. I just wanted to say you're so much
better today. Than you were yesterday. Uh so, thank you.
Yesterday was was kind of I don't know, half asked.
(31:40):
But today is that the crew is going ahead and yeah,
you know what I mean. So oh talent, sure, sure, yeah,
get right up there. I don't want to say that,
it just feels but salmon is almost gone. Let Tim
gone first. That actually I don't need to eat. Yeah,
team start back up. Tim's in first, so yeah, go first.
(32:02):
I felt the house. Now, if you could just concentrate
on the lower back, I hold a lot of trauma
in my lower back. Okay, I'm feeling that. It's really
tough over here. It is. Can you unlock the door? Please?
Can you just unlock the door now? Because you gotta
stay in here. It's a couple's massige. You don't get closer.
If I opened the door, you're gonna leave. I wanted
(32:24):
to leave. Yeah, come on, Sarah, Sarah. We were told
locked in eye contact the whole time. Come on, I
don't want to look at you. I don't want to
look you need to look at his eye. You need
to breathe in the yucalyptus. Okay, I'm breathing this. God damn,
you can lip so I'm not looking at it. Look
in his eyes. He's just loving you so much. And
his whole body he had tattooed over there. Did you
(32:46):
see what his name? Your name is, Sarah right there?
Is it with an age? I don't remember? My god?
Is it with an age? Are you serious? Look? Baby,
I don't know if I killed your mom or not.
I don't remember a lot of stuff from that time period.
It okay, okay, this is a lot. It's all coming
out with the massage over here. Look, all I know
(33:12):
is I just want to be in your life again. Uh,
this is h Q. H Q um checking back in
about that missing cap five, missing cap five, hold on,
hold on, and you're telling how much more did you take?
I mean, that's like iron rod. You took away from
the foundation of HU, the whole role. I didn't think
anybody who uses cap five cable cap five cable. I mean,
(33:35):
I'm so beyond that. You took concrete. You're taking foundational
rods out of HQ to put in your house to
build a We're gonna it was a mixed thing we're doing.
We're doing a sponsored thing. We're gonna do this TV show.
And I figured we'd have some leftovers from my place.
Oh my god, man, Okay, we got all we need
you guys, we got we heard should hold on. We're
(33:55):
talking about what. But you didn't put me on hold
or anything. You just you're supposed to pluggers. I don't
know how that's Listen. We have uh copper piping missing,
we have plumbing missing, we have electrical missing from HQ.
We know it's him, We know it's you, guys. So
you have two choices. Keep driving that van far far away,
(34:16):
never come back, or turn around immediately and pay pay
the price. Let's let's drive you guys. And Sarah, I'm
I'm gonna have to borrow eight hundred dollars. We just
had a huge Sarah, Sarah, you're you're you're getting really
like you've been getting, you know, so bitching again. You're
(34:39):
not a fucking therapist. You're not supposed to talk. You're
a suit. Okay, listen to you, bitchy. This isn't saying Okay,
you fucking proposed to her about twenty minutes ago, Africa,
and now she wants it. All right, everybody, this is
what we've been waiting for. Sarah and Dad are pulling
(35:00):
up after a luxurious spa day, and they're gonna walk
in to Sarah's new home. We have all kinds of surprises, right, Trish,
I can't wait to show them the crazy stuff he's done.
We put electronics places, norwean's ever put electronics. You smell
like alcohol. Um. Sorry, I've been working with I've been
(35:23):
working in the in the bar area and the bottles tea.
You know they're dripping um and so I and wide
and that you're working a program. So that would be
you don't work the program unless you you know you're
working it. So I'm working it. You never get a
(35:43):
die off. You never get a die off. No, that's
how that works. Now exciting, super excited. Okay, all right,
follow us out. I'm sorry both you. Uh, something happened.
(36:03):
It looks like Sarah went missing, but her father's here.
Oh this is okay. I mean I think we can
move right in? Is it? Is it? Okay? Hold on? So?
Who who did you bring with you? Who is this?
This is my new bride? Very nice to meet you.
I'm sure this is We had a glade house and
(36:26):
where and where is Sarah? Exactly? We had to drop
her off? Yeah, we had to drop her off. You
had to drop her off. The whole place looks totally transformed.
I mean I only vaguely remember what it looked like
six hours ago. But there's a touch screen and a dog.
That's nice. Oh wow, this is really great. There's chord.
(36:51):
There's catcord wrapped all around the whole place. Yeah, that's
kept five. As a matter of fact, it's the best
cord you can get. You know that. Uh. I'm a
manager at sux City, So a good city. Where you
drop man? Where did you drop Sara off? And we
have to drop her off? You just have to drop
her off. This is a really nice look. It looks
(37:11):
like a guesstop pup And I gotta ask, I gotta
ask my producers. So what's what's what's the protocol here? What?
He really needs you to be more bubbly and bouncy. Yeah,
just keep talking. Where is she? Where is there? I
think her father could drop her off. Well, we have
to get the shot. We have to get the shot,
So let's go with the dropper of thing. Yeah, she
didn't come back from a massage and you jumped to
(37:33):
I think he killed her. They dropped her off, They
dropped her off, and so how do we spend night?
So what's the copy? You need to do some blow?
I think you need to do some blow. You know,
I'm sober, sober, but you know what, I think he's
got a great point. Actually, I think we should do
some blow. I don't want to, I don't want to
(37:54):
do this, but I think for the show, we should
these brownie bites for Oh my god. Okay, alright, alright,
let's go down. Okay, I thought we were rolling. I
thought we're rolling. Welcome back to another Makeover Home edition
(38:21):
where people go missing, but the kisses keep on kissing.
Oh no, no, no. I was just gonna say, you
know what, when someone's helping others their whole life, sometimes
that person helps others so much they basically disappear because
they've never been tending to themselves. And if you do that,
if you if you give everything away to others, and
someone else is gonna have to sweep in and take
(38:43):
it from you. And sorry, that's why an an ultimate
Actor charity. Sarah has foreigned us in and said she
wants to give it pay it forward with this house
to her father who she loves. Wasn't that good? That
was great? That's great. Let's let's get his reaction to that,
if we okay, I also would like to be included
(39:04):
in a GAFT. Yeah, I'm sure she's given, but she's
not get it to me. Yeah, I just um. I
ordered someone to come work on my computer a while ago,
and no one was sent to my house and I
was still charged. Uh my name is Dawn, and and
(39:30):
so I was wondering if there were a n uh huh.
And I was wondering if there was a way for
me to be compensated. I was a van was supposed
to arrive with two members of the Circuit City team,
but they're on their way. He got a window of
six hours, so uh, well that's six hours. Was weeks ago.
(39:52):
I don't understand why why it's taking so long, and
I haven't been able to reach headquarters in Why would
you ask the phone down? Put the goddamn phone down.
I have to go. Sounds like it you suck. Who
are you? Who are you calling? Circuit City is a computer.
(40:17):
It was to fix the computer. You shut up, You
shut up. I kidnapped you. I don't think what's going
on with the hostage. You just called Circuit City? Why
you called Turquit City. You have access to a phone
(40:41):
for the first time in week, and you called Circuit
fucking City. Boy, I had an appointment for my computer.
Why you called nine one one down? They can't fix
my computer. I wanted Circuit City that they're coming. Oh Jesus,
(41:04):
that a scene too, Oh God, dumb bows for two.
I felt so bad for Joy's character. Just the computer
waited weeks. See three comes to us some Conrad un parenthetical.
(41:31):
Since we wrote this email, he has become a Patrion member.
Look at that, uh, Conrad wrote, Kevin and Alchemy crew,
thanks once again for keeping the show going. At this point,
I've even noticed the virtual aspect. Nope, I read that incorrectly.
At this point, I don't even notice the virtual aspect.
(41:51):
By the way, I did enjoy the sound effects on
a recent episode which I missed from the bygone days
of Raphael Bri I have a seen suggestion. It's simply
this edible arrangement. Keep up the great work, Conrade, bring
(42:13):
um that's the tour. Yeah, are you gonna get? I mean,
if they come up to the counter, there's double coming
in now, do you want to get? Maybe that is
the phone Holy ship that's the phone. Do you want
to get her calls here? Hold, I gotta, I gotta
hello edible arrangements. Yeah, I wanted to want to arrangement.
(42:33):
Oh good, good, cook, cook, good good. Do you have
strawberries dipped in caramel? Hold on one second. Do we
have strawberries dipped in caramel? Yes? Yeah, we got that. Okay,
I don't I don't like those. Let me get the pretzels.
Hold on a second. Got pretzels? Yeah, yeah, we got pretzels. Okay, great,
(42:54):
let me get some pretzels and a couple of pixie
sticks and hold on, uh, pixie sticks sticks. Hang up
that phone right now. No, this is the first right now.
I can't do that. I need this. I'll hang it
up for you right then. And there don't Oh, oh,
(43:17):
what do you think we have here? I don't know.
I'm just honestly, you're honestly fresh. Everything so far has
been fresh goods, like fruits, and we make them look
like flowers and it comes in. I didn't think I
was gonna have to do this, but I have to
do this. I'm gonna I'm gonna take you to the
back room right now. Listen to me, buddy, you're gonna
(43:39):
have to go on the edible trail. You're gonna have
to go on a journey of enlightenment and discovery to
understand what we sell here. I just feel like, let
me just have this one thing. I don't know, I
get it. This is a front for some sort of mob. Okay,
I'm talking to man. I'm just a violent guy. Listen. Okay,
there's a magical world. I'm gonna lead you into everything
in this edible and your gonna discover yourself in the future.
(44:07):
Where am I? Where you're on the edible trail? Oh?
This can't be can't be right. I I was working
at the front desk of quicks Quick. I am key
quicks I am your guide for the edible trail. All right,
(44:29):
but what's your name? My name is Brian, Brian Strange. Baby,
you wanted to lick a piece of dirt? Have you
ever wanted to nab a lana trash cansh? I don't.
(44:51):
I don't think so, and arranged strategically so this dude
does look like cookie crumbles bank me. Oh oh, I
don't know if I want to take you. You're a trash,
very gooey and dying a gooey trash can do you
(45:13):
like marshmallows? I do? Take a man? All right, Brian, Brian,
you have forsaken the tray. You have have into that
trash cans? Asshole? I bid in piece? Have you ever broken?
(45:37):
Hasacred promising an edible land resulting in damnation? Resulting in damnation? Wait?
Wait where did the portal go? You have until the
candy sun sets to do one to redeem yourself? Do
(46:05):
not hear me? Hey Scott, where's Brian? He's uh, he's
doing some inventory work. Okay, uh man. It has been
tough out there delivering today. It's like some of these
places are close and some are far, but like the
ones that are closer sometimes harder to get to, you
know what I mean? Mm hmm um. I was let
(46:30):
me to take my lunch right now. It's nine am.
I've already done to drop off, so I was thinking
maybe I take lunch now, Yeah, but then I won't
I won't eat later. I mean you're on till late. Yeah.
I started at eight, I drove for an hour, take
my lugs still ten and then I'm good? Ten to eight?
(46:53):
All right? Man? I mean, um, will you asked Brian
if you wants and then he he does, He's I
guarantee he's eating his fool right now? How can you
guarantee that I guarantee it? Oh? Do you know what? Man?
Why don't you come mo? Why don't you say how
to Brian? Formua? Right? What che double fun? I fucking
(47:17):
jammed it? Come on, all right, come on, what are
you doing? Come on? You're going on the edible trail?
All right? I don't like I don't need trail. Wait,
don't do don't do don't do it, don't take don't
do it. Don't take it. Thank god you're here. Uh.
(47:40):
We we have to do something really good to redeem ourselves,
because that's just the way it is when you go
to the edible trail. So two heads, repetitive one. We'll
figure out how we can make this. Because you ever
wanted to leave a lot of dog that guy into
thing we can do do dog taed Yeah, trust me.
(48:09):
It's a baby ruth doll and it's a baby Ruth
bar and it tastes great. But don't do it. There
are some rules that that if you break it, you
you you might face eternal damnation. Now listen, okay, now
we've been selling these bos for years. I'm saying, we
make them into chocolate dolls. Who's with me? I think
(48:30):
that No, no, that's no, no, no, he's saying dolls, dolls.
We don't make dolls to eat. I mean we make
chocolate bunnies and that sort of thing. So you thank you.
I mean we couldn't you could make little bit totally
human likeness? Will ever do with Santa Claus? I said
(48:51):
it wasn't all Say it again. You were right about
you were right about Santa Claus. People laid up chocolate
Santa Claus annually. So what kind of dolls are we
talking about? You're not talking about Barbie, are you, because
that would be weird. Look, when my grandfather started the
Baby Ruth Company one years ago, he designed a candy
(49:14):
bar that looks exactly like a human turd when placing
a pool. Right, a fundamental design mistake that we have
been living with the ramifications all this time. Now, if
this young man has an idea for something that's going
to change and break that cycle, I'm all for it.
Any Well, he's saying, dolls, did the dolls have turns?
(49:38):
They can? We can make them completely human? Okay, okay,
funk this. I don't understand all right, playing, I'm scared, Okay,
I'm just I'm scared now. I don't know what to do.
These these these these little people are so tempting, and
and these treats smell so good. I don't understand what
(49:58):
we need to do. Taste? Are you sad? What you are?
Look at this cute little girl? Hi, little girl, I'm
fin Are you enjoying the edible trail? Yeah? I mean
guess we're a little confused. What can we eat? What's
your favorite treat? My favorite treat? I would have to
be my toes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, don't do it.
(50:23):
Don't do it. They think are trained to trick you.
I wouldn't be little jolly rangers. Go ahead, don't do it.
Don't do it. Please this little girl's toes when you
say it like I wanted to suck a lot of
tiny toes. Okay, No, I don't know. I don't know. Okay, alright,
(50:44):
come with me down this trail. Don't talk to the
trash can don't talk to the trash can? That dos
a letter? What did you do to even end up here? Man? Well,
it turns out what did I do. But first of all,
you get to do all the deliveries nobody ever get
to I'm stop. Okay, there's no way that place is
making enough walk in business to justify me being employed.
(51:07):
It's a front for the mob, Josh. Do you think
Josh is a part of the mob. I think they're
all part of the mob. I think it's a big
mob front. This can't make money. How many deliveries do
you do? Three? Three a day? Yeah? You me employed?
Come on, I mean it's weird. Every time Josh wants
to talk to us in the back, he cocks that gun. Yeah,
(51:28):
that's like his That's the way he opens the door
to the back as he cocks a gun. That's learned behavior.
So what are we supposed to learn from all this? Well,
I'll tell you what I heard that neither of us
are getting again. Son is setting son settings. Then you're
edible trail daytime report and hope to see you all tomorrow.
(51:53):
We don't have a lot of time. If the sun
sets and I haven't redeemed us us. I don't want
to alarm you, but your arms are turning into twizzlers
and they look delicious. Can I have one Oh my god. No,
don't touch my arm. Don't touch wiser arms. No. I
think I'm turning into an edible arrangement. I'm turning into
(52:16):
a candy doll. It's a candy doll. Listen, it's not
too late for you. I lied earlier. And the asshole
of a trash can. Okay, don't don't be drinking the
eating things. Just like to take a little like a man.
(52:37):
You will have a laugh of bumb what's happened? Come here,
Come into this cave. Come here quickly, Come into this cave.
Thank you so much. You're welcome. You won't believe it happened.
I was working at a store in Ventura and Encino.
Do you know where Encino is, California? Edible arrangements. Yeah,
(53:00):
my time job there when I was thirteen. It's summertime
right now, I'm thirteen, well years. Oh my god. Everyone
I know is dead. Okay, so what's the plan. What's
going on here? Did you know? Josh? Is this a
mob front? I have so many questions. It's bigger than
(53:21):
you can understand. It's part of the Crystal Core secret
organization that goes back Millennia. Shut up, don't worry trapped
one of those trapped one of those sweet candy dolls.
All so, Josh, you hired a thirteen year old delivery driver. Yeah, look,
(53:45):
we got edible arrangements. They gotta go all over this county. Okay,
you know, close, far away, you know the people drive
them there. Yeah, so it is this thirteen year old
behind the wheel of a vehicle. Are they on foot?
I'm me either way, I'm just so weak to get
care of these arrangements. Yeah, Gary, Also, what's with all
(54:07):
the questions. Huh? Look, I mean Gary, Gary, just keep talking,
keep talking. Okay, we're in your ear if you need
help to say the magic word. I mean, you know,
we've I mean, we've all been in the mob together
for a long time, right, I mean we can say
that out loud, right because this is a safe space. Yeah,
(54:27):
of course we can say that. Well, I I can't
even say that I've seen you murder somebody, you know
what I mean. We're not here to talk about me. Okay,
kill multiple people, man, Okay, let's count them at the time,
but you're alive. But we're here to talk maybe about
some of the stuff that's a human trafficking slash drug business.
(54:50):
Going on. Look, this is not the time to talk
about Okay, uh, let's do this. I'll share a crime
that I committed in then maybe each of you guys
at some point. It's not a competition, Gary, how many
times we gotta do this? Like as fun as opening up.
Let's do it. You want to get that, Gary, I'm looking.
(55:14):
I'm looking for my sister Dawn. Has anyone seen my
sister down? Oh my god? Is that you know that?
That woman Don that's been missing on the news. Not
that it's just it's just it's your sister. She's calling here.
What's she's calling for? I don't know. I had the
last thing. I was looking at Don's bills because I'm
(55:36):
going through a mail because she's assumed dead at this point.
I found a receipt for a circuit city bill that
was suspected. And I found a receipt for an edible arrangement,
and and we can't find Don. But you got your receipts.
I have her receipts, but I don't have my sister. Right,
(55:59):
But I means not so bad. You got the receipts
that it was good, But I don't want the receipts.
I want my sister. I understand. I was expecting this
to be somewhat of a dead end, But now I
think that maybe you do know something about John. What
was the problem with her computer? Was it? I? I
don't know. She was charged for a service. I see,
(56:19):
I don't know she'd charge four two dollars. So you
got the receipts. See it came in handy. Well, but
it's not my computer. I want my sister. That my
sister just missing. Just hear me out. Shuffle your feet
on the ground. How do you get rid of cavities
and germs in your mouth to brush your teeth? Don't you?
(56:41):
Uh huh? So what if you and I just shuffled
our feet really really fast, really really hard for a
long time, maybe we can, you know, kill the germs
of this weird land. Maybe hold on a second. Okay,
So I've been torturing this candy doll right he's been
giving Why if you listen, that seems crazy. It's not
(57:07):
a human, right, who gives a ship? Right up? Check
this out. I'm gonna break off one of its candy
cane fingers. It's gonna grow right not to tell to
tell her what you were telling? Me tell her what
you would telling me. I don't want to talk to it,
(57:28):
just to find out to see if it's true. Okay, Hi, Hi,
and a lot of pain. Yeah, I can see that.
I sant to flow to quick theory by you. What
would you think if he and I started shuffling your
feet really quickly, as if we were simulating teeth being
brushed and therefore getting rid of all the germs of
(57:48):
this land? Didn't? Never work? It's not a land of
floria on your feet. No, I'm not as germs. There's
just a lot of But what's the what's the who's
coming out of your broken fingers? I guess that's I
guess that's my blood. I guess that's good. Fund. Well,
what if you use the blood to cleanse this filthy land?
(58:12):
I don't think that's a great Let's take some of
these rocks in the cave. I have a sharper though.
Oh oh god, alright, we'll shun range juice. I'll cut
(58:34):
this candys chest open and let's see what we can find.
Candy organs, have candy organs? Go yeah, rub the blood
on you, Rub the blood of new so they can't
see you. You just have my blood. That is our
(59:11):
show today. Gosh, not until you've heard the death rattle
of yeah, my a my. Let's thank all of our alchemists, uh,
starting with Vanessa Ridland, thank you so much for coming back.
And I hope you have no grets. I have no grets.
(59:31):
Good you never have grets? Oh my god, no grets. Yeah,
thank you so much, and uh Ritter of the theater.
Folks check it out, thanks for having me. It's the
last I miss you guys so much. This is such
a treat to get to get it back in the
mix of it. We just announced today. I don't know
when this is the airing, but we're having a few
(59:52):
classes starting including the great Dave Holmes is teaching personal
essay class that's going to be amazing, and Brent Forresters
teaching pilot pitching class and Cameron Espositos teaching UM stand up.
So if you're interested in learning, COVID is a great
time to get some stuff like this, and all the
classes are really going to help the teachers and the
artists out and also there's a great community building up,
(01:00:14):
so think about it. Where should folks go to find
all that Dynasty Typewriter dot com perfect and thank you.
Oh you're welcome, Craig, so glad you made it back
across this great country of ours and rejoining us to
be back. I actually do have something to promote. For one.
(01:00:37):
I've been an improv group called Das Risky for about
twenty years, and uh, we're we're doing a little Das
Risky Class Risky on Sunday, October eleventh at one pm
Pacific time. We're gonna read through a vintage improv show
that we improvised a number of your supposts. See if
it still holds up, and then we're going to kind
of break it down and do a little Q and
(01:00:58):
A and lectures. So you're an improv student, just a
fan of of comedy, this might be fun. R s
v P. By sending an email to info at Bronze
Metal Entertainment dot com. It's only fifteen dollars for the class.
You'll get more information that way. Okay, thank you for that,
and uh, October eleventh said, okay, great, check that out, folks.
(01:01:22):
Chris A. Varado, thank you so much. Thank you. I
love you, Vanessa, I love to play with you, miss you.
You like me more than yeah yeah, yeah, that's what
I heard. Want to be clear, and I want to
spend my last ten seconds promoting Craig's uh project that
the deserts past. I mean, for those of you who
(01:01:43):
love improvisation, this is the These are the guys. I mean,
I watched them for years. They're so fucking good and
to me and maybe it's very niche and maybe very nerdy,
nothing sounds more enjoyable than listening to them go through
an improv show and discussing the choices made. It just
sounds like a real dream. So that's what I think.
I want to invite everybody to come join join them.
(01:02:03):
Let's and say us it's not my project. Excited at
Broad Metal, Chris is all of our agents. No, that's great.
It's the ultimate behind the scenes improv. So thank you
for explaining it a little better than Craig did. Joey,
thank you so much for mucking up the works. Thank you.
(01:02:27):
I want to take this time to uh just send
thoughts and prayers to James Um for no reason, you know,
just I think it's important. Thank you. Then I guess
I'll take my my time to request thoughts and prayers
from it's now getting them from Joey. I realized how
(01:02:48):
much I love them. If you could all send them
towards me, it would gosh, I'll gobble it up. Okay,
Just so I'm clear what we're talking about when we
say thoughts and prayers as we're talking about delivery pizza. Right, Yes,
I was hoping more. What I was thinking is like,
I'm an attention sucker. I love it. So if you're
(01:03:09):
just thinking about me, that's pretty good. But if you're
also wishing things for me out there, I can't hurt
wish whatever you want. Uh yes, preach All right, let's
thank our producer and engineer the Stars, Mr Dubean. Fine
folks that I heard media, thank you so very much
(01:03:31):
for tuning us. We lost another one. Be kind to
each other. Please wear a mask when you go outside.
We will come out the other end of this someday,
so they say. And that's something we should hold on
to and celebrate that day, that day in the future
where it all makes sense again. Until then, thank you
very much. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, and remember and
(01:04:05):
I'll
Welcome back to another episode of alchemydos covid N. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, man, Kevin, No, thanks for asking.
I do not know the origin story of the term
kick walk. Why don't you ask craiguck Man? But I digress.
Let's meet our hockeymys shower in no particular order. Please
give a hearty welcome back to put us a niche.
(00:28):
I don't know if you've seen the doc Class Action
Park or not, but please share any memory you have
from childhood involving an amusement park. I'm a big fan
of Class Action Park. I think I talked about it
last time we were on the podcast, and I was
spoilering everything because I was so excited about the teeth
(00:49):
scraping you. Yeah, Oh that's right. You gave us hints.
None of us have seen it. I'm now obsessed with it.
My only comment is, I know you have to give
us the sad news, but why make me feel like
an asshole for enjoying all the death go until the
last act. Oh you know what, it didn't. It didn't
(01:10):
bump with me. I this whole thing. My worst amusement
park memory is that any memory of I have one childhood,
I was at Disney World, I think the only time
I went when I was like six years old, and
I got selected to be in the magic show. There
was like a little magic show a downtown Disney or
(01:30):
whatever that's called the World, And they pulled me up
and the magician, who had done a few tricks that
were to a six year old very impressive, said that
he was going to make me disappear and I needed
to say goodbye to my family, oh my god, and
the Nazis. I was looking around and my my mom.
It was, you know, smiling and like taking a picture
(01:53):
of me, and I just started like I waved goodbye.
I started sobbing, like out did they put a little
yellow star of David on your shoulder? You know? It
turned out the trick was just when he tapped me
with the wand a picture fell out and um it
covered me up like I looked like it turned into
a bunny like a rollout banner. But yeah, good idea.
(02:19):
That was a horrible thing he did. And then I
felt guilty, even as a six year old people pleaser,
of just like, well, I really messed the show up.
So I remember trying to like laugh it off on
stage and be like that. That's funny, so uncomfortable. Oh man,
I love every squirrench of that. And thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Now say hello to Chris Alvarado smiling surfer.
(02:43):
What could most folks do if they just put their
mind to it? Not a lot, not a lot um.
I think you gotta be realistic. Yeah, small, smalltainable goals,
baby steps. Thank you. Hey, there's James Ceeney, Jimmy John.
(03:06):
What the hell? I'm so sorry. I've lost track of
time because it doesn't mean anything anymore. And the more
I find that it doesn't mean anything anymore, the more
I realized it never meant anything anyway. Sorry, no, no,
don't be sorry. It's important we know how you really feel. Look, everyone,
Craigtkowski is back. Any memory you can legally share about
(03:32):
your cross country drive home? You know. I will say
that when it comes to hotels on the road, you
do get what you pay for. And uh, particularly if
you're looking to be across from a meth party in
the Greater Denver area, I recommend the town Bridge Suites
in Southeast Denver. H And also, I think you know,
(03:55):
if you're elderly chigbuahua, only pas and three of the
four hotels you're doing Okay, wow, I appreciate that. Every
damnag uh and last but I see last but least
he's just ya. I'm not even gonna have filler last,
(04:16):
but biscuit less gravy for you. If you think him least,
it's Joey Greer Gertrude. Why why not? I'll tell you
why not? Because so often we so often it's why, right, why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
And then you gotta you're confronted with the why not
and everyone's like, no, that's that's some bad attitude. But
the why not is exactly why because if you don't
(04:38):
have why not, you're never going to ask that question
to do? And that's the second part of why why do?
And that's why not? Why not do? Because why do?
And that's the point of it all because if you
focus on these things, I think we're running out of time. Okay,
the word du is the second half of why? All right,
let's do a damn show. Most all of our scene
(05:00):
suggestions have gathered from our listener emails or from our
Patreon v I p s to become a patron supporter
of the show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks.
Just head on over the Patreon dot com slash alcm
the If you like to submitted scene suggestion by email,
please write to the podcast at your name here and
this dot com that's your name here. Same number one
(05:25):
comes from listener Thomas, who wrote, good afternoon, longtime listener here,
every one of you is still fantastic. Good to know
coming up on Jesus. I think October is year two.
I'm moving to Michigan from New Jersey soon and it
(05:49):
got made thinking of a scene. A nineteenth century group
is traveling West Oregon trails style, but nothing goes as planned.
Thank for all the laughs, Thomas, PS. I really think
you should give the alchemists code names. I think you should, Thomas.
(06:14):
Is there any more water? Is there any more water
in the back of the way. You know we're trying
to save it. Okay, it's a long trip and you
just keep drinking water, you splash it on your face,
and honestly, you were We're gonna now start divvying out
how much water each person gets a day. Thanks to
you did. No, We've We're gonna We're gonna separate some
(06:38):
water out for everybody at our first stop. Okay, they're
gonna rash in the water force. How are you gonna
separate water with your hands? Under We're gonna use some
canteens and each person is gonna get one half canteen
at the stop. You can drink it all, or you
can leave half the canteen full. We'll fill it up
the rest of the way on the next stop. Thanks.
(06:59):
We managed to try level for three days without seeing
a river of any good. Well, this is riverless County. Okay,
so we've we've got to we've got to stick to
our God. This county is three days long. It's a
big county. I'm sorry I said county when I said
when I meant country. Okay, Martha, my dear, I love
(07:20):
you so much and I so love you. Thank you.
Oh no, it's something wrong. My belly is adorable. Oh
thank you. I can't seem to stop. Fluid keeps two
keeps running out of my button. No, wait, don't, don't
(07:48):
don't recall, don't recoil for me. It's still me. It's
still me, Stanford, you love. No, my love did not
have a fluid to his blood hole. I imagine it's
a sing thing, unlike our love, which is here to stay.
Oh how do you? How do you suppose I help you?
(08:12):
Shall we cook it? Or or I could I could
give you some piece of pig. I think corking it
would be a wonderful idea. I have a cork here
from my grand duty. Pass it to you, and no, no,
I think it's better if you do the plug in
My love, but just married yet, this will be an
(08:33):
an official marriage, I think. Oh, like the ring. How
it's I'm telling you right now, Look, whenever we see
any kind of wagon passed by here, Okay, you jump
out in front and say, oh god, oh god, my
nipples have just exploded. Right, that's what I think. That's
(08:53):
that's ridiculous. You think that's gonna stop a wagon. I
think you need teeth. Again, Let's just wilp out and
hold the guns on him. That's gonna run away. Don't
make him do the neeple thing. We're on foot here. Okay,
look we gotta get that wagon. We gotta get the horses,
we gotta get those pig pots. All right. Look, so
(09:15):
your nipples you got exploded. Then we go on the shide.
All right, I got the shotgun. Okay, Lucy, you're gonna
take the stick, all right, and then we get him.
Just stick. You can't have a gun, okay, lest one
in the mouth. You're gonna fly away if you think
they're gonna evenna fly away. You know what, Don't make
(09:38):
that noise was up. Don't make that noise with the gun.
Don't do that. Make that noise. Don't do that just
a little. If we what if we hit a gun
on she stops the wagon. No one thinks a little
kid is gonna be a problem. They stop the wagon
to the little kid. And then and then you come
(09:58):
out with the stick and you can pop popp after
she pop pop pops. Then I'll come up an move
the cows coming, Get the cow. Don't blast the cow. Cow?
(10:18):
How are you? My nipples just exploded? What are you
even doing? Jim? Can I just tell you I'm happy
that you joined this particular group of cows. Uh? That
(10:43):
human that was just yelling at you there? Yeah? Uh?
Did you make heads or tails? At what the hell
he was saying? No, I mean, I'm a I'm a
cow right very much, only speak at all. But you
you know the term heads your tails? I do know
(11:04):
that term. Do you know where it came from? Oh, well,
so you're thinking I'm a I'm a cow? That as
uh expertise in the derivation of words somehow, Yeah, I
was open. Well, I imagine it comes from coins. Uh huh.
(11:24):
I can't make heads your tails out of something. That's right,
you know. I guess I have a head and I
have a tail, is what I was thinking. Right, Maybe
it comes from us. All right? Which cow are we killing? Well?
I wish I can understand what they're saying. The most
fattest ship, Which one you want? I can shoot them
both in the back of the head. It's not a problem.
(11:45):
Which one has the fattest ass? Do you want to
come over here and look? Because I don't fattest ask?
I wonder where when we're cows? Yeah, we're female cattle. Yeah,
why the hell is that? I don't know? And all
(12:05):
the bulls have girls names. That is strange. There's Linda
the cow. Just come out here and look at the cow.
I'll tell you that fa my love cork. No, don't
know the cork. The court seems to be working. We
(12:25):
want to do that again? I never wouldn't I know.
We don't have our water yet to rinse off seem
too much. No, no, I love you, You've just you
haven't seen enough. Sorry, I don't want to interrupt anybody.
(12:46):
I come in for a second. I guess I'm gonna
fill up your waters. If you guys are ready, you
can hold your canteens out. God, we need a little
extra listen. I want to tell you guys. I this
is gonna sound a little bit gross. But at the
last couple of camp spots that we stopped at, I
noticed the ship hole was filled with a lot of
(13:08):
I don't know how to say this. Somebody's sick, somebody's problems,
and and everybody knows that the rules are if you're sick,
you tell everybody so that we can quarantine you off
in a different Can I fill up your water? You know,
I'm glad you brought this up. I'm sure it's one
of the elder the older man. That's what I was thinking.
(13:29):
They're drinking so much water. It's it's Doc Collins here
here to inspect everyone's assholes that I didn't get to
tell them yet, But just out of just out of fairness,
we're gonna inspect everybody's asking just around tent to tent
taking a look at everybody's asshole. Hello, hello, Doc Collins,
why don't you start with the old people, the really
old people. Well, this is the closest tent to me.
(13:51):
I'm just gonna kind of work my way circular, if
I may. I've I've seen Martha's asshole a bunch, and
it is medically darling. Medically we do, we do our
own inspections. It's perfect. It's perfect. So and I'm just
gonna piggyback and say that I've seen of my fair
(14:12):
of assholes and and this is also I can't imagine
a better one. Doc Stanford, I'm gonna take your word
for it. I will not have to inspect Linda's asshole. Linda,
of course, being a woman, I can't take her words.
So you're gonna have to show your damn it. I'm sorry,
but orders to amputate anyone who's anyone's asshole that is sick. Yeah,
(14:38):
isn't that just going to result in a bigger asshole? Well,
this is this is where medicine is in the nineteenth century.
It's brutal. I'm sorry, dum dumb. Before before the inspection,
can I interest you in a little jerky. Yeah, this
is my own secret stash of jerky I've been holding onto.
You look a little hungry, look tired. You get some jerky. Huh?
(15:00):
You got a little buffalo jerky, buffalo jerky. Wow? Yeah, yeah,
using the whole buffalo. Huh. Hey, where does that saying
come from? How the funk am I supposed to I'm
a doctor, I'm not a lexicographer. Now, if you look
at this track of mark right here, you're gonna see
actual indentation on the gravel. Were massive trains of wagons
(15:24):
were running right through here going to the west coast,
going to Oregon. This is the Organ Trail. And if
you look right behind there, you'll see your wagons. Okay, sir,
you gotta raise your hand if you want to question. Okay,
raised my hand. There's divots in the gravel from something
hundreds of years ago, Yes there is. Yeah. Now if
(15:45):
you check out the mound right behind I got look
at this. Watch what I can do with my foot, Sir, sir, sir, Like,
how am I supposed to believe that was from hundreds
of years ago? When I could wipe it away with
my foot? Disturbed the hollow ground Okay, alright, one calmed down.
(16:08):
Your new fangled freaks. Got some water, Give them water,
get them water off. I only have the san Pellegrino.
I can't. I can't give it to him. It's it's
sparkling and it's mine. I need it for the tour away, sir,
go away. It looks like a giant phantasmagorical asshole. Yes,
(16:35):
right beyond this there's a small mound that I was
talking about. That that's those are buried assholes. They cut
off assholes if anyone who had dysenterry. So there's the
ghost of the assholes. I'm sorry I disturbed them. San
Pellegrino into that butt hole. Okay, let it chug it
(16:55):
rightld load of a little Okay, we got we got
a smaller buttle have I don't have it. I think
that one chugged everything. Okay, everybody, all the let's let's
start building up some spit. We're gonna spit in that
butt hole of Hey, Tim, can you just step in
(17:17):
in the office there? Thank you? Bell have a seat? Yeah,
just going over the new wood paneling in here. It is,
it's brand new wood paneling. My cousin Steve did He's
got a shot downtown and they put it up over
the weekend when nobody was here. Looks great, don't Yeah,
it's Janine's birthday, so I need you to send the car. Okay,
just pass that card around going side. Oh yeah, what
(17:38):
do we get her? Um? Chocolates? Oh great, she loves chocolates?
Did she love ch sure? Yeah, just with all with
all the love, Kip. You don't need to say it
while you're signing it. I don't think okay, I'm just
looking at the notes. Thanks, thanks to and I was
making some chocolate brownies, just out the notes from your
(18:01):
last tour guide and um, it looks like you had
some trouble with the assholes again, is that right? Yeah?
Well someone disturbed the grounds and hey guys, uh, I
know I'm the birthday girl, but I just want to
go on record. I don't want a big fuss made
over me. Um, it's so embarrassing. And I am allergic
(18:21):
to strawberries but bonkers for cocoa chocolate. But I don't
want a big cuss. Don't don't sing the song. I
won't stop lushing for a week. So you're saying, no fuss,
no fuss, just just something tasteful if anything or nothing,
I don't, I don't care, I want to, I don't.
(18:41):
I don't need anything. I don't like a fuss. How
about a happy birthday from us? Oh no, yeah, right here,
right now, Happy birthday. Oh I hope that I've thought
you meant you. We're going to sing the song. I
don't want it, so it's fun. Um, damon what and
(19:03):
I'm saying, don't do anything but the guys. Um, the
guys are just going crazy. If you could get that treat,
Oh you guys, get that sweet treat. Okay, but that
was supposed to be for celebration. We're celebrating. Yes, it's
(19:23):
her birthday. Yes it's your birthday. Maybe ever celebrate my birthday? Alright, everybody,
gather around the wagons. Gather around the wagons. Oh this again.
It's been a long road, um, but today we have
a reason to celebrate. Its Thomas's birthday today. So we're
(19:47):
gonna give him a little bit of our water. Each
of us are gonna give him a little bit of
from our ration of water for his days. I barely
got water left. What we gotta get. It's his birth day,
is the tradition. We're starting Yeah, Thomas, Uh so, go
ahead and just go. Thomas looks dead. Thomas doesn't look
(20:08):
like he needs more water because he's not gonna be
around and drinking anything. I think, I think you think
you'll find if you give him a little birthday water,
it'll it'll put a little pepper. You know what, this
has been going on too long. You have been saying
that all the dead people have a goddamn birthday. We
should pour all the water form and then guess what,
we don't have any water, but you seem to have
your skin glistening and your eyes look well hydrated. Goddamn it.
(20:31):
This needs to stop. How we're still in How are
we still in Riverless Country? Two weeks later? I see
mountains there, Riverless County. I'll take the blame for it.
I think I think I accidentally looped us in a circle.
But the circle has stopped. Hey, anybody could have made
(20:54):
that mistake. Once you're between the two, could have made
that mistake. You just go west. What do you mean
a circle? Staff? You just follow the setting sun stop.
It's Thomas's birthday, for God's six, Give me my watch.
My eyes are so shriveled up I can barely see.
(21:15):
I'm not giving my water to Thomas. I had to
apputate assholes so far, and that's a lot of him.
Oh my, it's the grossest thing I've ever heard to
come from Patreon Alchemeniac, who wrote, Hey Kevin and the
(21:39):
alchem that's my health ball as well. I was reading
the news this morning saw a story where some people
got busted with three tons of cocaine. My first thought was,
fuck not Joey's postmate's order. Do you remember the show
Extreme Makeover Home Edition M and the guy that had
the dope ass soul Patchboy? Remember the dope ass soul patch? Nope,
(22:04):
I kind of do. Every time I try to remember
it fully, I just see vanilla ice perfectly, and I
think I might be wrong. I I do remember what
he's talking about, though, well, his scene suggestion has never
before aired. Episode that went horribly wrong somehow. Thank you
all for everything you do. Frune sure crinkle sticks. Yeah,
(22:31):
so I mean the house itself. It was from the
eight hundreds. Um, you know, really nice molding here, as
you can see, and and and and obviously you know
I need to renovate, but I wanted to keep as
much as the historical atmosphere as possible within the home.
I think it adds a lot of character to it, Sarah. Sarah, Sarah. Yeah,
that's why we chose you, because you're always thinking about others.
(22:53):
But this week we are here to think about you.
We're here. That's what. You can't pool from an empty kettle, Sarah. Sorry,
what we're gonna do is we're gonna take this ram shackle.
What what does that mean? You can't pull from an
empty kettle. You can't pull from an empty kettle. Sorry,
you gotta take care of empty No, you gotta take
(23:14):
You've gotta take care of yourself first. You gotta feel
your cattle. Okay, So what we're gonna do, You're gonna
take this place. I'm going to add glam, I'm gonna
add ham, We're gonna go crazy. Marco is going to
do his Marco thing, wearing his strawty little shirts. And
I think you're gonna love what we do because you help,
you help animals. That's amazing. I do. I mean the
(23:35):
property itself sits on you know, twenty two acres, and
I have a bird farm. Uh, Sarah and Sarah, And
that's the thing, Sarah, you keep thinking about the birds,
but we're here to think about your pool. And you
have an ugly house, and so we think you deserve better.
Tricia is gonna get to it, but and I'm obviously
gonna do what I do. But we have someone in store,
(23:55):
some of that you've looked up to for a very
long time. A special guest is gonna help put your
new home together. Welcome your dad. Your dad's here. I
haven't spoken to my dad in fifteen years. How you doing?
How are you doing? Honey? He can't see, isn't he
What do you want? Come out, brig What do you want? So?
(24:17):
What do you want? It's been too long? I know
you killed, mom, I know you killed. How long you
gonna be in Costa Rica? You don't even go to
the fucking funeral? You know? I think it would be fun,
(24:37):
would be to have a fun themed room in the house,
so you know they couldn't find her, asshole? Do you
know that? I didn't know that. But what we're gonna
do is you're gonna take your dining room and turn
it into your favorite thing, a gas strop pub. Okay,
sor um, just let us do our magic and um
it's gonna be so nice. It's it's not your dad's
(25:01):
not here just for for for moral support. I don't
want him here. I don't know if he knows, but
your dad has been the regional manager of Circuit City
in Iowa for the last twelve years. He's going to
fully renovate your home to upgrade all the tech we
did win pounding you for some kind of financial support
after mom died and nothing. You said, he didn't even
(25:21):
have a job city. What the are you serious? City,
Siux City? Everyone go check out second city in Siu
City and don't don't give him, no, don't have Sarah.
The thing is, you keep thinking about others, but today
(25:42):
is about you. So we're gonna send you out to
the van. We're gonna take you out for a little
day spa for you, and when you come back, you're
gonna have a new home and your dad's gonna be
joining you at the spot. What no, no, no, I'm right,
that's right, all right, guys in the back of the van,
(26:04):
getting the back of the van, all right, So what
we gotta hit up that house? Right? We gotta do
that was a new computer lining wherever they got us
at the Circus City doing what. We gotta go in
the van and do that computer lining whatever the fucking
Tindleman's house. Oh okay, you're the boss now and we'll
(26:25):
do Okay, let's do it. Do you want to get
that to me? I don't think that to me a
little man. I'm just telling you don't know what. Let
me just tell you. I had other stops that I
was gonna do before I get to that house. Fine,
if that's the most important house to you, we'll get
there first. What other stops do you have to do? Well?
The first stop? I, uh well, I had no idea.
(26:45):
You had nothing to do, no idea. I had an idea. Okay,
but fine, we'll go to the was the idea? Well, honestly,
I feel like I've neglected my own house. I've been
struggling with internet over there because I'm using tell A
phone chords instead. We got this nice, big dolly rod
full of Cat five net cables, and I thought maybe
(27:07):
we could run one from from the outside line to
my house. But not a big deal. We'll do the
titlements first. Hold on a second, Hello, what Circuit City van? Boys?
Uh no, this is Circuit City HQ. I'm missing some
of my chord, my title five cat chord. I think
one second, did you take cat chord from HQ I
(27:30):
mean that's where we picked it up. Honestly, there's there's
the Cat five shouldn't be that bigger deal. I think
Cat six is the better stuff. I didn't think they
didn't even notice. Did you steal property from HQR. It's
kind of used to the Tittleman property, but there's extra.
Did you said it's in your home? I think she
can hear you. It's not that. I mean I can
(27:50):
said hold on. That should mean that you plug your ears.
I think I think you have me on speaker phones. Sir?
What che Sarah and Sarah's dad. Welcome to the Jade Dragon.
This is a spa where everything you do you must
(28:13):
do together. So this is great. You get one of
these little ladies to walk on your back. Oh yeah,
you're both gonna have little I'd prefer to do something
sol um. I really don't want to be start off
vulnerable with him with a roma therapy, with hug these
browny bites for everyone. No, that's we have a birthday
(28:34):
in the office. I'm sorry you just housed half of
that plate my god, are you and like you're just
so please please please, I see browny bites. I can't resist,
of course you can't. Not just has the gut him
self control. Now it's time to hug. I am not
hugging He'll smell that. I'm not hugging him. You got
(28:54):
your mother's eyes even start, don't even fucking start? Okay,
okay her too. Hello, Hello, welcome to the Jade Dragon.
I'm noticing there's a lot of tension between you two,
so we're going to ask you to this rope completely
and all right, there we go. Oh my god, now
(29:16):
do the hug again again? Did you touch you yourself? Dad?
What are those? Yeah? These were This is your mother's face.
This is this is a jade dragon. Oddly enough, I
I didn't even think about that. I noticed that. That's
very very grand today. Can I take a picture after
(29:39):
all Instagram account? Sure? Absolutely? Okay, guys, I don't have
a smartphone. I'm going to just use my cannon shoe
shot if you don't mind. Well, yeah, where we're doing
to get those at? Sioux City next month? The second city. Yeah,
the second city, Sioux City, that second city. That's yeah,
(30:02):
you guys, give up snacks. It's like Sam's fob. We do,
but no browny bites because I eat it myself. All right, everybody,
welcome back to Sarah's house. Now we're gonna go over
see what kind of progress trishes making again. Get a
little more bouncy, dam just a little more bouncing. The
(30:23):
problem is the bounce than Yeah, it's not a problem,
you got it. Okay, Can I get a count in please? Yeah?
Four three, yellow, fifty forty nine. Hey, everybody welcome. Oh gosh,
(30:54):
I really talked at the wrong time there. I'm sorry.
It seemed like there was a I guess it was
a mix, you know. Just let's just let's let's call
well no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no.
I think I got a great solution. Let's one half hour.
Damn it, it's going great. You guys are really doing
(31:17):
great work. And uh, I think we're going to get
a season pick up. Uh, if we can just finish
the day as strongly as we started. I want to
get I just want to get some salmon before it's
all gone. So if I could just scoop, oh yeah,
sure sure. I just wanted to say you're so much
better today. Than you were yesterday. Uh so, thank you.
Yesterday was was kind of I don't know, half asked.
(31:40):
But today is that the crew is going ahead and yeah,
you know what I mean. So oh talent, sure, sure, yeah,
get right up there. I don't want to say that,
it just feels but salmon is almost gone. Let Tim
gone first. That actually I don't need to eat. Yeah,
team start back up. Tim's in first, so yeah, go first.
(32:02):
I felt the house. Now, if you could just concentrate
on the lower back, I hold a lot of trauma
in my lower back. Okay, I'm feeling that. It's really
tough over here. It is. Can you unlock the door? Please?
Can you just unlock the door now? Because you gotta
stay in here. It's a couple's massige. You don't get closer.
If I opened the door, you're gonna leave. I wanted
(32:24):
to leave. Yeah, come on, Sarah, Sarah. We were told
locked in eye contact the whole time. Come on, I
don't want to look at you. I don't want to
look you need to look at his eye. You need
to breathe in the yucalyptus. Okay, I'm breathing this. God damn,
you can lip so I'm not looking at it. Look
in his eyes. He's just loving you so much. And
his whole body he had tattooed over there. Did you
(32:46):
see what his name? Your name is, Sarah right there?
Is it with an age? I don't remember? My god?
Is it with an age? Are you serious? Look? Baby,
I don't know if I killed your mom or not.
I don't remember a lot of stuff from that time period.
It okay, okay, this is a lot. It's all coming
out with the massage over here. Look, all I know
(33:12):
is I just want to be in your life again. Uh,
this is h Q. H Q um checking back in
about that missing cap five, missing cap five, hold on,
hold on, and you're telling how much more did you take?
I mean, that's like iron rod. You took away from
the foundation of HU, the whole role. I didn't think
anybody who uses cap five cable cap five cable. I mean,
(33:35):
I'm so beyond that. You took concrete. You're taking foundational
rods out of HQ to put in your house to
build a We're gonna it was a mixed thing we're doing.
We're doing a sponsored thing. We're gonna do this TV show.
And I figured we'd have some leftovers from my place.
Oh my god, man, Okay, we got all we need
you guys, we got we heard should hold on. We're
(33:55):
talking about what. But you didn't put me on hold
or anything. You just you're supposed to pluggers. I don't
know how that's Listen. We have uh copper piping missing,
we have plumbing missing, we have electrical missing from HQ.
We know it's him, We know it's you, guys. So
you have two choices. Keep driving that van far far away,
(34:16):
never come back, or turn around immediately and pay pay
the price. Let's let's drive you guys. And Sarah, I'm
I'm gonna have to borrow eight hundred dollars. We just
had a huge Sarah, Sarah, you're you're you're getting really
like you've been getting, you know, so bitching again. You're
(34:39):
not a fucking therapist. You're not supposed to talk. You're
a suit. Okay, listen to you, bitchy. This isn't saying Okay,
you fucking proposed to her about twenty minutes ago, Africa,
and now she wants it. All right, everybody, this is
what we've been waiting for. Sarah and Dad are pulling
(35:00):
up after a luxurious spa day, and they're gonna walk
in to Sarah's new home. We have all kinds of surprises, right, Trish,
I can't wait to show them the crazy stuff he's done.
We put electronics places, norwean's ever put electronics. You smell
like alcohol. Um. Sorry, I've been working with I've been
(35:23):
working in the in the bar area and the bottles tea.
You know they're dripping um and so I and wide
and that you're working a program. So that would be
you don't work the program unless you you know you're
working it. So I'm working it. You never get a
(35:43):
die off. You never get a die off. No, that's
how that works. Now exciting, super excited. Okay, all right,
follow us out. I'm sorry both you. Uh, something happened.
(36:03):
It looks like Sarah went missing, but her father's here.
Oh this is okay. I mean I think we can
move right in? Is it? Is it? Okay? Hold on? So?
Who who did you bring with you? Who is this?
This is my new bride? Very nice to meet you.
I'm sure this is We had a glade house and
(36:26):
where and where is Sarah? Exactly? We had to drop
her off? Yeah, we had to drop her off. You
had to drop her off. The whole place looks totally transformed.
I mean I only vaguely remember what it looked like
six hours ago. But there's a touch screen and a dog.
That's nice. Oh wow, this is really great. There's chord.
(36:51):
There's catcord wrapped all around the whole place. Yeah, that's
kept five. As a matter of fact, it's the best
cord you can get. You know that. Uh. I'm a
manager at sux City, So a good city. Where you
drop man? Where did you drop Sara off? And we
have to drop her off? You just have to drop
her off. This is a really nice look. It looks
(37:11):
like a guesstop pup And I gotta ask, I gotta
ask my producers. So what's what's what's the protocol here? What?
He really needs you to be more bubbly and bouncy. Yeah,
just keep talking. Where is she? Where is there? I
think her father could drop her off. Well, we have
to get the shot. We have to get the shot,
So let's go with the dropper of thing. Yeah, she
didn't come back from a massage and you jumped to
(37:33):
I think he killed her. They dropped her off, They
dropped her off, and so how do we spend night?
So what's the copy? You need to do some blow?
I think you need to do some blow. You know,
I'm sober, sober, but you know what, I think he's
got a great point. Actually, I think we should do
some blow. I don't want to, I don't want to
(37:54):
do this, but I think for the show, we should
these brownie bites for Oh my god. Okay, alright, alright,
let's go down. Okay, I thought we were rolling. I
thought we're rolling. Welcome back to another Makeover Home edition
(38:21):
where people go missing, but the kisses keep on kissing.
Oh no, no, no. I was just gonna say, you
know what, when someone's helping others their whole life, sometimes
that person helps others so much they basically disappear because
they've never been tending to themselves. And if you do that,
if you if you give everything away to others, and
someone else is gonna have to sweep in and take
(38:43):
it from you. And sorry, that's why an an ultimate
Actor charity. Sarah has foreigned us in and said she
wants to give it pay it forward with this house
to her father who she loves. Wasn't that good? That
was great? That's great. Let's let's get his reaction to that,
if we okay, I also would like to be included
(39:04):
in a GAFT. Yeah, I'm sure she's given, but she's
not get it to me. Yeah, I just um. I
ordered someone to come work on my computer a while ago,
and no one was sent to my house and I
was still charged. Uh my name is Dawn, and and
(39:30):
so I was wondering if there were a n uh huh.
And I was wondering if there was a way for
me to be compensated. I was a van was supposed
to arrive with two members of the Circuit City team,
but they're on their way. He got a window of
six hours, so uh, well that's six hours. Was weeks ago.
(39:52):
I don't understand why why it's taking so long, and
I haven't been able to reach headquarters in Why would
you ask the phone down? Put the goddamn phone down.
I have to go. Sounds like it you suck. Who
are you? Who are you calling? Circuit City is a computer.
(40:17):
It was to fix the computer. You shut up, You
shut up. I kidnapped you. I don't think what's going
on with the hostage. You just called Circuit City? Why
you called Turquit City. You have access to a phone
(40:41):
for the first time in week, and you called Circuit
fucking City. Boy, I had an appointment for my computer.
Why you called nine one one down? They can't fix
my computer. I wanted Circuit City that they're coming. Oh Jesus,
(41:04):
that a scene too, Oh God, dumb bows for two.
I felt so bad for Joy's character. Just the computer
waited weeks. See three comes to us some Conrad un parenthetical.
(41:31):
Since we wrote this email, he has become a Patrion member.
Look at that, uh, Conrad wrote, Kevin and Alchemy crew,
thanks once again for keeping the show going. At this point,
I've even noticed the virtual aspect. Nope, I read that incorrectly.
At this point, I don't even notice the virtual aspect.
(41:51):
By the way, I did enjoy the sound effects on
a recent episode which I missed from the bygone days
of Raphael Bri I have a seen suggestion. It's simply
this edible arrangement. Keep up the great work, Conrade, bring
(42:13):
um that's the tour. Yeah, are you gonna get? I mean,
if they come up to the counter, there's double coming
in now, do you want to get? Maybe that is
the phone Holy ship that's the phone. Do you want
to get her calls here? Hold, I gotta, I gotta
hello edible arrangements. Yeah, I wanted to want to arrangement.
(42:33):
Oh good, good, cook, cook, good good. Do you have
strawberries dipped in caramel? Hold on one second. Do we
have strawberries dipped in caramel? Yes? Yeah, we got that. Okay,
I don't I don't like those. Let me get the pretzels.
Hold on a second. Got pretzels? Yeah, yeah, we got pretzels. Okay, great,
(42:54):
let me get some pretzels and a couple of pixie
sticks and hold on, uh, pixie sticks sticks. Hang up
that phone right now. No, this is the first right now.
I can't do that. I need this. I'll hang it
up for you right then. And there don't Oh, oh,
(43:17):
what do you think we have here? I don't know.
I'm just honestly, you're honestly fresh. Everything so far has
been fresh goods, like fruits, and we make them look
like flowers and it comes in. I didn't think I
was gonna have to do this, but I have to
do this. I'm gonna I'm gonna take you to the
back room right now. Listen to me, buddy, you're gonna
(43:39):
have to go on the edible trail. You're gonna have
to go on a journey of enlightenment and discovery to
understand what we sell here. I just feel like, let
me just have this one thing. I don't know, I
get it. This is a front for some sort of mob. Okay,
I'm talking to man. I'm just a violent guy. Listen. Okay,
there's a magical world. I'm gonna lead you into everything
in this edible and your gonna discover yourself in the future.
(44:07):
Where am I? Where you're on the edible trail? Oh?
This can't be can't be right. I I was working
at the front desk of quicks Quick. I am key
quicks I am your guide for the edible trail. All right,
(44:29):
but what's your name? My name is Brian, Brian Strange. Baby,
you wanted to lick a piece of dirt? Have you
ever wanted to nab a lana trash cansh? I don't.
(44:51):
I don't think so, and arranged strategically so this dude
does look like cookie crumbles bank me. Oh oh, I
don't know if I want to take you. You're a trash,
very gooey and dying a gooey trash can do you
(45:13):
like marshmallows? I do? Take a man? All right, Brian, Brian,
you have forsaken the tray. You have have into that
trash cans? Asshole? I bid in piece? Have you ever broken?
(45:37):
Hasacred promising an edible land resulting in damnation? Resulting in damnation? Wait?
Wait where did the portal go? You have until the
candy sun sets to do one to redeem yourself? Do
(46:05):
not hear me? Hey Scott, where's Brian? He's uh, he's
doing some inventory work. Okay, uh man. It has been
tough out there delivering today. It's like some of these
places are close and some are far, but like the
ones that are closer sometimes harder to get to, you
know what I mean? Mm hmm um. I was let
(46:30):
me to take my lunch right now. It's nine am.
I've already done to drop off, so I was thinking
maybe I take lunch now, Yeah, but then I won't
I won't eat later. I mean you're on till late. Yeah.
I started at eight, I drove for an hour, take
my lugs still ten and then I'm good? Ten to eight?
(46:53):
All right? Man? I mean, um, will you asked Brian
if you wants and then he he does, He's I
guarantee he's eating his fool right now? How can you
guarantee that I guarantee it? Oh? Do you know what? Man?
Why don't you come mo? Why don't you say how
to Brian? Formua? Right? What che double fun? I fucking
(47:17):
jammed it? Come on, all right, come on, what are
you doing? Come on? You're going on the edible trail?
All right? I don't like I don't need trail. Wait,
don't do don't do don't do it, don't take don't
do it. Don't take it. Thank god you're here. Uh.
(47:40):
We we have to do something really good to redeem ourselves,
because that's just the way it is when you go
to the edible trail. So two heads, repetitive one. We'll
figure out how we can make this. Because you ever
wanted to leave a lot of dog that guy into
thing we can do do dog taed Yeah, trust me.
(48:09):
It's a baby ruth doll and it's a baby Ruth
bar and it tastes great. But don't do it. There
are some rules that that if you break it, you
you you might face eternal damnation. Now listen, okay, now
we've been selling these bos for years. I'm saying, we
make them into chocolate dolls. Who's with me? I think
(48:30):
that No, no, that's no, no, no, he's saying dolls, dolls.
We don't make dolls to eat. I mean we make
chocolate bunnies and that sort of thing. So you thank you.
I mean we couldn't you could make little bit totally
human likeness? Will ever do with Santa Claus? I said
(48:51):
it wasn't all Say it again. You were right about
you were right about Santa Claus. People laid up chocolate
Santa Claus annually. So what kind of dolls are we
talking about? You're not talking about Barbie, are you, because
that would be weird. Look, when my grandfather started the
Baby Ruth Company one years ago, he designed a candy
(49:14):
bar that looks exactly like a human turd when placing
a pool. Right, a fundamental design mistake that we have
been living with the ramifications all this time. Now, if
this young man has an idea for something that's going
to change and break that cycle, I'm all for it.
Any Well, he's saying, dolls, did the dolls have turns?
(49:38):
They can? We can make them completely human? Okay, okay,
funk this. I don't understand all right, playing, I'm scared, Okay,
I'm just I'm scared now. I don't know what to do.
These these these these little people are so tempting, and
and these treats smell so good. I don't understand what
(49:58):
we need to do. Taste? Are you sad? What you are?
Look at this cute little girl? Hi, little girl, I'm
fin Are you enjoying the edible trail? Yeah? I mean
guess we're a little confused. What can we eat? What's
your favorite treat? My favorite treat? I would have to
be my toes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, don't do it.
(50:23):
Don't do it. They think are trained to trick you.
I wouldn't be little jolly rangers. Go ahead, don't do it.
Don't do it. Please this little girl's toes when you
say it like I wanted to suck a lot of
tiny toes. Okay, No, I don't know. I don't know. Okay, alright,
(50:44):
come with me down this trail. Don't talk to the
trash can don't talk to the trash can? That dos
a letter? What did you do to even end up here? Man? Well,
it turns out what did I do. But first of all,
you get to do all the deliveries nobody ever get
to I'm stop. Okay, there's no way that place is
making enough walk in business to justify me being employed.
(51:07):
It's a front for the mob, Josh. Do you think
Josh is a part of the mob. I think they're
all part of the mob. I think it's a big
mob front. This can't make money. How many deliveries do
you do? Three? Three a day? Yeah? You me employed?
Come on, I mean it's weird. Every time Josh wants
to talk to us in the back, he cocks that gun. Yeah,
(51:28):
that's like his That's the way he opens the door
to the back as he cocks a gun. That's learned behavior.
So what are we supposed to learn from all this? Well,
I'll tell you what I heard that neither of us
are getting again. Son is setting son settings. Then you're
edible trail daytime report and hope to see you all tomorrow.
(51:53):
We don't have a lot of time. If the sun
sets and I haven't redeemed us us. I don't want
to alarm you, but your arms are turning into twizzlers
and they look delicious. Can I have one Oh my god. No,
don't touch my arm. Don't touch wiser arms. No. I
think I'm turning into an edible arrangement. I'm turning into
(52:16):
a candy doll. It's a candy doll. Listen, it's not
too late for you. I lied earlier. And the asshole
of a trash can. Okay, don't don't be drinking the
eating things. Just like to take a little like a man.
(52:37):
You will have a laugh of bumb what's happened? Come here,
Come into this cave. Come here quickly, Come into this cave.
Thank you so much. You're welcome. You won't believe it happened.
I was working at a store in Ventura and Encino.
Do you know where Encino is, California? Edible arrangements. Yeah,
(53:00):
my time job there when I was thirteen. It's summertime
right now, I'm thirteen, well years. Oh my god. Everyone
I know is dead. Okay, so what's the plan. What's
going on here? Did you know? Josh? Is this a
mob front? I have so many questions. It's bigger than
(53:21):
you can understand. It's part of the Crystal Core secret
organization that goes back Millennia. Shut up, don't worry trapped
one of those trapped one of those sweet candy dolls.
All so, Josh, you hired a thirteen year old delivery driver. Yeah, look,
(53:45):
we got edible arrangements. They gotta go all over this county. Okay,
you know, close, far away, you know the people drive
them there. Yeah, so it is this thirteen year old
behind the wheel of a vehicle. Are they on foot?
I'm me either way, I'm just so weak to get
care of these arrangements. Yeah, Gary, Also, what's with all
(54:07):
the questions. Huh? Look, I mean Gary, Gary, just keep talking,
keep talking. Okay, we're in your ear if you need
help to say the magic word. I mean, you know,
we've I mean, we've all been in the mob together
for a long time, right, I mean we can say
that out loud, right because this is a safe space. Yeah,
(54:27):
of course we can say that. Well, I I can't
even say that I've seen you murder somebody, you know
what I mean. We're not here to talk about me. Okay,
kill multiple people, man, Okay, let's count them at the time,
but you're alive. But we're here to talk maybe about
some of the stuff that's a human trafficking slash drug business.
(54:50):
Going on. Look, this is not the time to talk
about Okay, uh, let's do this. I'll share a crime
that I committed in then maybe each of you guys
at some point. It's not a competition, Gary, how many
times we gotta do this? Like as fun as opening up.
Let's do it. You want to get that, Gary, I'm looking.
(55:14):
I'm looking for my sister Dawn. Has anyone seen my
sister down? Oh my god? Is that you know that?
That woman Don that's been missing on the news. Not
that it's just it's just it's your sister. She's calling here.
What's she's calling for? I don't know. I had the
last thing. I was looking at Don's bills because I'm
(55:36):
going through a mail because she's assumed dead at this point.
I found a receipt for a circuit city bill that
was suspected. And I found a receipt for an edible arrangement,
and and we can't find Don. But you got your receipts.
I have her receipts, but I don't have my sister. Right,
(55:59):
But I means not so bad. You got the receipts
that it was good, But I don't want the receipts.
I want my sister. I understand. I was expecting this
to be somewhat of a dead end, But now I
think that maybe you do know something about John. What
was the problem with her computer? Was it? I? I
don't know. She was charged for a service. I see,
(56:19):
I don't know she'd charge four two dollars. So you
got the receipts. See it came in handy. Well, but
it's not my computer. I want my sister. That my
sister just missing. Just hear me out. Shuffle your feet
on the ground. How do you get rid of cavities
and germs in your mouth to brush your teeth? Don't you?
(56:41):
Uh huh? So what if you and I just shuffled
our feet really really fast, really really hard for a
long time, maybe we can, you know, kill the germs
of this weird land. Maybe hold on a second. Okay,
So I've been torturing this candy doll right he's been
giving Why if you listen, that seems crazy. It's not
(57:07):
a human, right, who gives a ship? Right up? Check
this out. I'm gonna break off one of its candy
cane fingers. It's gonna grow right not to tell to
tell her what you were telling? Me tell her what
you would telling me. I don't want to talk to it,
(57:28):
just to find out to see if it's true. Okay, Hi, Hi,
and a lot of pain. Yeah, I can see that.
I sant to flow to quick theory by you. What
would you think if he and I started shuffling your
feet really quickly, as if we were simulating teeth being
brushed and therefore getting rid of all the germs of
(57:48):
this land? Didn't? Never work? It's not a land of
floria on your feet. No, I'm not as germs. There's
just a lot of But what's the what's the who's
coming out of your broken fingers? I guess that's I
guess that's my blood. I guess that's good. Fund. Well,
what if you use the blood to cleanse this filthy land?
(58:12):
I don't think that's a great Let's take some of
these rocks in the cave. I have a sharper though.
Oh oh god, alright, we'll shun range juice. I'll cut
(58:34):
this candys chest open and let's see what we can find.
Candy organs, have candy organs? Go yeah, rub the blood
on you, Rub the blood of new so they can't
see you. You just have my blood. That is our
(59:11):
show today. Gosh, not until you've heard the death rattle
of yeah, my a my. Let's thank all of our alchemists, uh,
starting with Vanessa Ridland, thank you so much for coming back.
And I hope you have no grets. I have no grets.
(59:31):
Good you never have grets? Oh my god, no grets. Yeah,
thank you so much, and uh Ritter of the theater.
Folks check it out, thanks for having me. It's the
last I miss you guys so much. This is such
a treat to get to get it back in the
mix of it. We just announced today. I don't know
when this is the airing, but we're having a few
(59:52):
classes starting including the great Dave Holmes is teaching personal
essay class that's going to be amazing, and Brent Forresters
teaching pilot pitching class and Cameron Espositos teaching UM stand up.
So if you're interested in learning, COVID is a great
time to get some stuff like this, and all the
classes are really going to help the teachers and the
artists out and also there's a great community building up,
(01:00:14):
so think about it. Where should folks go to find
all that Dynasty Typewriter dot com perfect and thank you.
Oh you're welcome, Craig, so glad you made it back
across this great country of ours and rejoining us to
be back. I actually do have something to promote. For one.
(01:00:37):
I've been an improv group called Das Risky for about
twenty years, and uh, we're we're doing a little Das
Risky Class Risky on Sunday, October eleventh at one pm
Pacific time. We're gonna read through a vintage improv show
that we improvised a number of your supposts. See if
it still holds up, and then we're going to kind
of break it down and do a little Q and
(01:00:58):
A and lectures. So you're an improv student, just a
fan of of comedy, this might be fun. R s
v P. By sending an email to info at Bronze
Metal Entertainment dot com. It's only fifteen dollars for the class.
You'll get more information that way. Okay, thank you for that,
and uh, October eleventh said, okay, great, check that out, folks.
(01:01:22):
Chris A. Varado, thank you so much. Thank you. I
love you, Vanessa, I love to play with you, miss you.
You like me more than yeah yeah, yeah, that's what
I heard. Want to be clear, and I want to
spend my last ten seconds promoting Craig's uh project that
the deserts past. I mean, for those of you who
(01:01:43):
love improvisation, this is the These are the guys. I mean,
I watched them for years. They're so fucking good and
to me and maybe it's very niche and maybe very nerdy,
nothing sounds more enjoyable than listening to them go through
an improv show and discussing the choices made. It just
sounds like a real dream. So that's what I think.
I want to invite everybody to come join join them.
(01:02:03):
Let's and say us it's not my project. Excited at
Broad Metal, Chris is all of our agents. No, that's great.
It's the ultimate behind the scenes improv. So thank you
for explaining it a little better than Craig did. Joey,
thank you so much for mucking up the works. Thank you.
(01:02:27):
I want to take this time to uh just send
thoughts and prayers to James Um for no reason, you know,
just I think it's important. Thank you. Then I guess
I'll take my my time to request thoughts and prayers
from it's now getting them from Joey. I realized how
(01:02:48):
much I love them. If you could all send them
towards me, it would gosh, I'll gobble it up. Okay,
Just so I'm clear what we're talking about when we
say thoughts and prayers as we're talking about delivery pizza. Right, Yes,
I was hoping more. What I was thinking is like,
I'm an attention sucker. I love it. So if you're
(01:03:09):
just thinking about me, that's pretty good. But if you're
also wishing things for me out there, I can't hurt
wish whatever you want. Uh yes, preach All right, let's
thank our producer and engineer the Stars, Mr Dubean. Fine
folks that I heard media, thank you so very much
(01:03:31):
for tuning us. We lost another one. Be kind to
each other. Please wear a mask when you go outside.
We will come out the other end of this someday,
so they say. And that's something we should hold on
to and celebrate that day, that day in the future
where it all makes sense again. Until then, thank you
very much. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, and remember and
(01:04:05):
I'll
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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