June 18, 2020 • 58 mins
A fishing guide who thinks they know where all the good fish are, but really don’t know anything.
Marvin McCue uses his new cell phone to chat with family and friends.
Hostage situation training exercise devolves into an actual hostage situation.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This is COVID ninetition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yess that, Kevin, Bob. When
I saw your letter dated July two thousand and nineteen,
I knew it was not good news, and so I
guess I, if I'm honest, I voted reading it. After all?
(00:22):
Is the date today killed my entire family with my
Lieutenant Colombo impersonation? Ah, Why won't you let me live
with my past? Why? But I digress. Let's meet there, Alchemist.
Shall we know particular? To say hello to Craig Atkowski Cocao.
If you woke up tomorrow morning and Joey Greer was
standing at the foot of your bed, what would be
(00:44):
your first question? What the fuck? I think that's a
fair question. Hey, Caroline Connor's here, Cartter can can If
you got a call later from one of your parents
(01:05):
who told you that Danny de Vito is your real father,
what would you say to Danny? I would love it.
I'd say I love you, and I kicked my fake
dad to the curb. I love Danny DeVito. I wish
that was true. Okay, I love my dad, but I
don't love Danny clearly, it's true. You do what there's
(01:28):
Chris Alvarado, Chris not pish. What was that you just
took out of your mouth? That would be four milligram
nicotine gum? You fabs? Look sweet, everybody, it's James Eeny,
(01:48):
Johnny Jimbo Limpsky. What in your computer searches you would
surprise us most well? I let me take a quick look. Um,
huh do you want to come back to me afterwards
and I'll tell you. I'm sure there's something interesting. I
wasn't looking for an honest or laurel answer. You know
what it is? It's uh, it's how to make match
(02:10):
of honey that doesn't surprise me? Okay, then come back
to me later and I'll find something fair enough. And last,
but may the damn grass? Oh no, this makes no sense.
And last, but cut the damn grass. If you think
at least let's try that. It's Joey great chunks. Seriously,
what is that smell? I've been trying to find it.
(02:32):
I don't know what it is. It's not me. I
can tell you that right now, but I don't know.
I really don't know. Okay, Well, whoever smelled it? Delta
let's do a damn show. Almost all of your scene suggestions,
they are gathered from your listener emails. I love your
listener emails, I truly do so. Those of you who
would like to weigh in and get a reply from me,
(02:53):
please write to us at your name here at alcomey
this dot com. That's your name here at alcome this
dot com parrot if you will. Oh, just responding to
Mr al Farado see number one in fact, comes from
patron v. I p member Jess who wrote your band
of hilarious misfits is keeping me sane throughout this pandemic.
James look away. James likes to check out the Patreon
(03:18):
emails as well, but he's made it clear he does
not like to know what the scene suggestions are in advance,
and that's why occasionally those of you wondering why the
hell I read it, James look away. That's what it's
pertaining to, and now he's always appreciate it. Yeah right,
James says, thank you. Here is the scene suggested by
patroon V. I remember, just a fishing guide who thinks
(03:42):
they know where all the good fish are, but really
I don't know anything. I love you guys so much, Kevin,
keep it real? Why wait wait, why do I have
to from Jess? Yeah? So I mean fly fishing. Uh,
you know, all that short game, long game, it's all here.
(04:05):
So I mean, this is all some of the best,
some of the best. Okay, I've been really gone fishing,
you know, since I was a kid with my dad,
so you know, but I just want to, you know,
introduce my boy to you know, this tradition. So oh
hell yeah. I remember coming down here with my dead dude.
We'd all run around and there was all you know, fish,
(04:25):
what's yeah, you have WiFi? What's no? No, we don't
do WiFi out here. We just use this whole landline
right there is So if you need that name, you
call it in. Okay, Well, Blaine, I guess you. You
know you won't be able to play your your your apps.
You're gonna have to actually excuse me, excuse me. This
(04:48):
is a private estate. You can't just you can't go
into the water on that boat here. This is for
people to live in this neighborhood. Okay, all right, yeah,
well let's just let's just up the boat out and
then we'll get the hell out of here. You no, no, no,
please put your boat back on the car, and you're
gonna have to go somewhere else. This is a private pond. Well,
(05:09):
I mean you know a lot of ways it is.
But yeah, yeah, man, come down. Your nag in the
day must have changed and I don't recognize you. Yeah,
I live on the waterway, so it's something. It's all
connected in that way. But so why don't we Why
don't we just security? I'm going to security. You guys,
(05:32):
don't go anywhere. Let's put the boat up and put
the boat trailer. Come on, guys, don't you don't? Dad?
When you said I can't play my apps, I was
gonna get really upset with you and stuff. But it
was in that moment where I realized, I think you're
trying your best, and I think you're really trying to
connect with me, and I appreciate that good. I am. Hey,
(05:57):
hustle up, hustle up. We need to get this boat
on this truck. Okay, I'm in a moment with my
son here. Dirtyeah. Well, I'm trying to have a moment
or we don't go get goddamn arrested. Come get this
trunk up. Is it true? Dad? Maybe we could get
arrested together. I guess it's possible. Have you ever been arrested.
I've been arresting. Yeah, I've been arrested. Now come on,
(06:18):
not here, let's just come on. Put this on the
trailer right over here, right here. Security. Why is that
guy screaming? What's his n Barren Blunt? What's his name?
But that was blame blame. Look, you got to take
the blame for this, all right. You got to say
that this is your car and this is your boat,
all right, all right, right now, what apparently seems to
(06:40):
be the trouble here just a second, sir, I'll be
with you in a moment, Tim Did you call this in? Yeah?
I called this in. This isn't an unlawful docking of
the boat. And I believe that they're going to be
taking the fish that we've stocked in the pond, And damn,
I'm gonna go ahead and decide what is and isn't lawful.
Appreciate you put the police car in park. I have
(07:02):
it idly behind you, parks where it belong. Son, Okay,
can I come out? Don't stay in the car now? Okay?
What does this take your kid to work? Today? The attitude.
I don't appreciate it at all because I'm talking to
this community. And yeah, thank you, thank you for reminding
me who I work for. Damn, I appreciate that. I'll
(07:25):
just like you to take care of these guys here.
Thank you. Dad. Yeah, I'm gonna ask some questions now, sir?
Is this your vehicle? Follow my lead? Dad, Um, it's
my vehicle. Look at this little fellow, which is your
your vehicle? Son? Um, this truck and this boat they
belong to you. Do that, yes, sir? And as a
(07:46):
matter of fact, this is my dad who I'm proud of,
and I'm proud of the fact that he's also smuggling
drugs and we're doing it together right there. What's your
your son of comedians? Sir? Yes, am an amateur amateur comedian.
Is there a place I can see him perform at
some point? Because the opening joke is killing me? What
(08:11):
the fun is going on? So here's what I want
you to do, Officer. I'm gonna reach for your gun
right now. Wow, he's a he's a rascal, this little fellow.
Let me let me what are you doing? He's killing me?
Is this part of your type five? What the hell
are you talking about? Nothing to do with it? Okay,
(08:35):
so you're going to commit to the bit, I get it.
It's cool. I'll send some shows, all right. Uh now, dirt, Uh,
you can't. You can't load the boat out here. We've
we've been over this before. You're inside of a gated
community and you brought these folks. Oh, I mean, oh god, yep, yep.
(08:57):
You and your daddy used to fish here. I remember
the story. But why do you follow me on out?
My son's gonna gonna guide us out of here. And
then no, I'm sorry. Why is nobody taking me seriously? Yeah?
I am sorry. I am standing by, and I can't
do it any longer. This is a gated community, and
these drug smugglers are trying to put drugs out of
the boats. Sometime I'm about to play drugs smugglers. Quiet
(09:20):
down while the cops are here. Okay, Now, I want
you to arrest this little drug dealer right now. You
may let them go. You mean, what appairs would be
a nine year old? Is that what you want me
to do? Too? Well? You know you want me to
haul off Mr nine and a half toted to be
a drug dealer in my neighborhood. So much fun. Tim,
(09:45):
I need you to take out the tampon. Look me
square in the ass. This nine and a half year
old ain't going to juvie, not today, not on my watch.
I'm gonna get these folks out of your hair. I'm
gonna bring this up at the h O way this month.
Get up with the mayor all the way. Okay. Next
on the docket, we're gonna be talking about fences, all right,
(10:06):
and everyone who has offense, make sure that that's a
you send an application to. Oh my god, Oh my god,
I'm sorry. I just realized I put a fence up,
but I didn't send an application, and I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill myself. I want to kill myself. I
want you guys to watch. We'll send it an application.
It's already up. Well, no, Susan, to kill yourself, you're
(10:28):
gonna need to send in an application. I can remember
to send in an application to kill myself. I forgot
to put one in for the fences, Susan. If you
kill yourself with that without an application, you will be fine. Okay,
Oh my god, I'm so I think the dumbest person
that's in this housing community. Yeah, yeah you are. Okay,
now we're gonna have to We're gonna give you a
thirty day notice to the defense, okay. Uh and from then, also,
(10:53):
we're just gonna have some guidelines on on on the
paint for the fence. Right now we have we're looking
at chalk and one of the as one of the paints.
And uh. Also, uh, I didn't I did it white?
I did white. I didn't know that chalk was an option. Um,
I'm so fun. Can you just kind of burn my house? Okay,
(11:13):
you're gonna have to send in an application to burn
your house down. Okay, Susan, You're not just gonna be
able to burn it down. Now. We also have been
petitioned from Tim Thomas. He wants to uh speak in
front of us in a moment, So let's just give
him our attention. Tim. Before we move on to Tim,
(11:34):
can I just bring up something about the fencing. Yeah,
we we all have fences. I don't understand why Susan
is so upset about having a fence. We we all
we all put in our applications for the tent. Susan didn't.
I'm sorry if I had to turn Susan in. She
needed to follow the same goddamn rules, and I followed.
When I put my fence upright, white fence next to
(11:57):
my chalk fence looks like shit. I know, I know
I messed up. Can we stop rubbing my nose in
my own stinky diarrhea? Please? Thanks Tim doing a great job, buddy,
Thank you. Solve the alienate more paper while you're at it,
ding Dong? Is he talking to me? Yes? He said
(12:17):
your name? Yes, Yes, Okay, I vote. Try to put
a vote before the committee before about removing Tim from
the neighborhoods, and I think that vote we reconsider all right. Well,
then the vote has been called, so let's let's have
a vote to vote for moving Tim. You can't vote, okay,
(12:45):
majority majority wins and U to me didn't even vote.
He said, I'm going to vote for against removing me. Well,
too late, he didn't say a thing. So the vote
is counted, uh seventeen to nothing. You need emispode Tim. Tim.
I'm sorry you weren't able to speak here, but you
(13:06):
you will be asked to leave. Don't forget to fill
out an application to move. Ding Dong's right, you don't
have to fill out an application that that is correct
for movie. Yeah. Oh, don't let the gated community gate
hits in the on the way out. Okay, gave o gab,
We get it. Okay. I think I think enough damage
(13:27):
has been done to him, all right. I mean that's funny.
I just feel really disrespected that the CoP's son is
going to pat me down because he's not even a
real cop. And this feels weird. I can hear you.
I can hear you. I wasn't trying to be quiet.
I never said I was a real cop. I'm going
with my dad and take your kid to work day.
(13:48):
And my hands are small as I can get in
the crevices where I need to pat. Hey are you
and your dad close? Yeah? Pretty close? Why I'm working
on that. You see that guy over there, the tall one, Yeah,
the guy that looks like a wallet. Yeah, yeah, that's
that's my dad. Really, he's actually anything like him. He's
(14:11):
crazy looking. I know. Do you ever drink Pepsi? Yeah?
I love Pepsi. My dad's the CEO of Pepsi Cola
what Yeah, And so he's always away on business and
this was his idea of trying to connect with me
(14:31):
and stuff. You know, I'm gonna say this again. Look,
if we go it seems like your son's in trouble,
we can still do this fishing thing. Ain't no problem.
And I don't always create water holes, and we can
still make it happen, all right, because I don't want
you to what are we talking? Dirt? Freshwater, saltwater? You
name me, you name me? I mean I know, I mean,
I know I know where there's freshwater and it turns
(14:54):
into saltwater, so goddamn. But if you're like, have the
hell right? So, I mean, I know I'm not a
fish man. I know how to fish man. Yeah, I mean,
you know I fish on on land, but you know
that's that's cold hunt. So we wouldn't get as much
fish on land, right, And if we were to go
to the light and let's say, let's say a water
hole necessarily fresh water all but but you know who
(15:17):
knows man? You know, evolution, I believe it. I'm believing it,
you know what I mean? So I like, who not?
Maybe a fish could have evolved into I don't know,
some kind of stird raft And you're like, he stop
touching me, dirt, get your sorry, Get your hands out
of my pockets. So sorry, sort sorry. The grooves just
look so natural certain you know you and me, I
(15:42):
know that, you know. I say you're a good guy.
You look you look like a good guy, and I
want you. I'm not a good guy. I'm a terrible person.
What do you mean? What do you mean? You got
a whole bunch of bodies in your drunk or dad?
What did you do? I work for the worst soda
company our no, no, so they're they're bad. Uh PEPSI
(16:06):
I'm the CEO. Oh Jesus Christ, Oh my god. I know,
I know. I'm just trying to try to atone. I
know I'm trying to atone for that and give my son.
You know, it's a real connection with nature and with
his dad. Damn well, I mean, I don't be honest.
You ain't gonna be able to attone just in a day.
(16:29):
But but maybe just in an action, you can change
your wicked wife. How about how about we go fishing? Huh? Oh? Yeah?
Is that is that your proposal? The thing that we
were already gonna do? Alright, alright, down, I'm down here, guy.
I don't want to be on the pitchis hit listen,
all right, now that I work for the company that
(16:50):
the time that most people hear our name is when
people say is Pepsi. Okay, we're the drink you for guys. Guys,
I'm glad I caught you before you went on the boat.
I want to help you deal to drugs. Okay, this
neighborhoods sucked. Let this whole neighborhood go down the drain
and I don't give a funk what what what? What
(17:11):
drugs are we dealing? Let's do this. You took a turn,
Tim kicked me out of the neighborhood. I've found myself
on the other side of the gate. What's this paper
that says suicide application. I'm not going to fill it out.
I don't want to do it. But you took one.
I I had to. I mean everybody was looking at me.
(17:33):
But it was a ruge suicide application. Yeah, they gave
me a lot of paperworkers. I left the room, but
I'm not feeling any of it out. In fact, I
want to get involved on the ground floor of this
drug operation. So what are we gonna go out and
the like? How does this work go out in the pond?
And how do we there's no, there's no drugs. Tim,
What do you want to be when you grow up? Um?
(17:58):
I ain't Maybe like a fisherman or something like that.
Oh that's cool, yeah, starry hole on. My hands are
a little cold. I just gotta reach up there. What
are you looking for exactly? Drugs? A gun? What do
(18:19):
you want to be when you grow up? Mm hmm.
I'm kind of going back and forth on that. I'm
really good at the piano. Oh yeah, but I'm also
good with numbers. Oh yeah, Wow. Do you have the
best friend? I would say my dad, but no, no
(18:43):
one like a pr age, do you No? I wish
I could say my dad, but he's trying. Yeah, um,
do you want to be my best friend? And of
course that was such a long pause. No, I was nervous. Now,
Jordan and I think you've had enough time off with
(19:06):
your son. All right, but we need you back at
the office a sat Do you understand? Okay, I need
to these bottles filled caps and ship and I'm not
going to just have a machine, dude, that our individuals
on the floor. Okay, I need a CEO of Picola
to do that, all right? Why am I taking motors
from you again. I speak for the board, all right,
(19:28):
and the board told me to tell you you need
to get on this. Aren't our combination KFC, Taco Bell
and Pizza Hut's doing well? Oh they're doing fine, Jordan,
but we need them to do a lot better than that,
because right now Coca Cola has crispy cream. Don't What
are you gonna do? Are you gonna slap me like
(19:49):
you did before? Okay? Look, I've been working out, I've
been doing I'm not going to let that affect my
confidence and my duty. Jordan, what do you mean he
slapped you through the phone phone? Okay? Now, can I
just have something to drink when I get home and
just some decompression? Baby baby? Yes, yes, yes, I made
(20:14):
you kissing me. I don't want to do anything right now.
I want sex from you. Well, I want to relax.
You want to know what's happening. One Oh so good,
so painfully good. See Two comes from Cam who wrote, hey,
(20:35):
alchemist you thanks to you all for keeping the energy
positive during these times? Is that what we're doing the
fact that you are using video chat for scenes now
gave me an idea. Marvin MQ using his new cell
phone to video chat with his friends and family while
in isolation. Thank you so much, guys, you are awesome
cam press. Uh Marvin, you've got your your muted. You've
(21:00):
out of a mute Marvin, Marvin. Yeah, he can't reply.
I mean he's shaking it. He's shaking his head. Marvin.
It's a button on the bottom left corner. It'll say
mute with like a little red X through it. Click
on that, mar Okay, I think maybe it's working now. Okay, Well,
(21:30):
it's so good. It's so good to see. Yeah, Marvin. Thanks.
Uh now tell me who who over you are? Again?
This is your grandson, Marvin. You are my grandson. Yes,
I'm This is Toby okay, from which marriage? From not
(21:51):
from your marriage? I'm your grandson. And hey, this is DJ.
You and I worked together on the untitled Marvin MQ project.
I just want to say why, Oh, I know, I
know who DJ is. That's my dog. That is my dog.
How you're holding how you holding up during the quarantine?
Just making content and splitting asses? You know what I mean? Sweet?
(22:15):
Sweet me too, bro me too, Marvin. I'm your newest wife, right,
I thought you were familiar. We aren't you? There? With him.
He has to quarantine himself for fourteen days. So, Grandpa,
did you get chicked? Are you sick? Cranpa? I went,
I went to Trader Joe's and somebody sneezed on me.
(22:38):
Oh my god. All right, well, um, Lucila's are a
way for you to to to check on him or
just see if he's okay. I don't want to get sick.
Are you kidding me? Okay? Well, someone has to go
in there and make sure that. So why do you
do it? Because I'm in New York. I don't care
take a plane ride do? I said, I'm a super spreader.
(23:02):
They did say that I was at that doctor's appointment.
What does that mean? You're a super spreader? Like you're
just super contagious, Grandpather? Then you actively spread it? I think? Okay, God,
damn it. Uh we we we gotta do something here.
We gotta get we gotta say, hey, Marvin, thanks for
sending me those pictures. Dude, it's really cool. I can't.
But you made a whole suit out of corn in
(23:23):
that bunker. That's I'll make you one, bro, you want one? Hell? Yeah,
you finished the corn suit. Grandpa thought we were going
to do that. Look, I I don't remember talking to you.
You can not just anybody can wear a corn suit. Yeah,
(23:44):
you're right, he's a corn corn farmer. You're a corn
farmer in New York. Yeah, Grandpa, I'm doing urban farming
and uh, I got a subsidy from the government to
do corn farming here in Brooklyn, so as I'm doing.
That's great, that's great. DJ, what are you listening to
(24:04):
these things? I'm on that that? Uh, drop me a mix,
will I will? You know? Man? You are my dog?
You know that dog. I love when you say that.
You call me your dog, feels better than my own
(24:25):
parents saying they love me. And I mean that. I
mean that. Okay, I got a few more faces on
here that I can't identify. Who else? Who are you?
Who are you? People? It's I'm your first wife. I
don't know exactly why I was invited this. I don't
think you were invited. And you just a hacking zoom.
He clearly just he just you married Marvin for his money,
(24:49):
didn't you. Yes, you don't love him like I do. Know.
I don't love him at all. We've never had sex.
The most we've done is touched lips with close mouths.
I just want his money. It's very clear. I'm his son,
and I don't know why. I'm her and his son
from the first marriage Reggie and uh, it's Chris to
(25:11):
clear to all of us, MA, why this woman married Pa?
And uh, there's no money left for us that never
was gonna be. You know you're divorced. What do you
want from the man? I don't know. I just when
I married you, Mavi, and you were smarter than that.
You were smarter than Sorry, Marv, and I keep telling
you to let it go. I don't understand what a
problem is. Okay, So is this kid yours? And he's awesome? Mom,
(25:37):
He's awesome. Oh no, the grandson is this Reggie's I'm
not Reggie's son. Reggie's from your first marriage, Randy, I'm
from your seventh marriage. I'm gonna do daughter from your
seventh marriage. I'm gonna do a quick breakout room real
quick with uh, with with the grandson, real quick. Just
(25:58):
follow me over here, just hit except hit except Hey, man,
what's up? I know it's weird listen. I don't know
if you can smell it in the air, but there
is an opportunity here to make some big Buccaloni needs.
What are you talking about? We got to record your grandpa.
Do you want to exploit my senile grandfather? Yeah, for
(26:19):
some that's some content, that's some viewership. Look, DJ, I
saw the cuts of the weirdass show that you did.
My grandfather was hocked up. It was it was super exploitative.
It was disgusting. Okay, so you're out. I'm sucking out
hell Yeah, not okay, I don't my grandfather another prank show?
Not waiting? What do you mean? Why not? Money is
money not talk. Money does talk, and it tells me
(26:41):
to shut the funk up, and then you're a piece
of ship. Okay, I'm going back to Yeah, okay, okay.
My grandfather is a hundred and thirty years and now
I'm leaving. I'm leaving this room, morv. And it's tend
to you. So how is the zoom call with the family.
It was good. It was good to rinking you mentioned,
you know, and then in these times, family is more
(27:03):
and more surprises at all that came up from from family. Yeah,
I only knew one of the five and he was
he was a producer on a television yeah, but in
terms of the actual family members, well no, you know,
(27:24):
sometimes I used suspect that they just want me for
my money. You know, did you see last night's episode
of n c I S. By the way, Well, I'm
not fully caught up, so don't spoil it, but you
know I've got my you know, the VHS is uh
(27:44):
he is a pistol. Well I've I've met him at
at various n c i S conventions. Oh yeah, oh damn. Yeah.
Well he's a bastard. He's a mean, mean, mean man.
I didn't see that coming. But he'll he'll take money
for autograph. What does he gets Downtoh about huh? You
(28:08):
gotta try that, Sam Levine next time. He gets about
seven dollars. That's the freaks and geeks. Well, I know,
I just dropped that reference is so good with the
references from the early nineties. So who are you again?
I'm David's poker game. It's tend to you. Uh yeah. So,
(28:31):
I mean it's always hard talking to him, you know,
I my heart goes out to him, but I'm also
angry at him. You know, he he's had so many
marriages and he said, head, there's just so many in
the McK family, and I have just this love hate
relationship with him because yeah, here you on the phone.
(28:54):
I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone, and I know,
I know this is therapy. I know, I know, I
know this therapy. I can hold on a fucking second.
Please let me hang up on the phone. Yeah, um,
and just put it through the back and yeah, okay,
I'm ready, I'm present. I'm ready. You're still on the phone. Sorry,
(29:16):
I picked up another call. I'm present and I'm ready,
and I'm sorry. I'm going to my therapy as well
at the same time. Is there someone there could be
someone at your house. I'll call you back. I'll call
(29:37):
you back. Hello, is Roger there? Roger's asleep, wake and
I got a package for him. Do you want to
take the package to him? Look, sir, I don't want
to have a ram strang easy, easy, does it that? Cowboy?
Just get Roger to the door. Look, he's sleep, been
(30:00):
right now, Okay, I'm not gonna wake him up. We
have a roommates agreement to the other one of us.
Continue to raise your voice to me, I'm gonna break
one of your knees. So why don't you get Roger
to the door so I can give him this packet. Look,
why don't you leave it there? What the fun? Dude?
(30:20):
What the fuck to go to sleep? Dude? We have
a fucking agreement, alright. I went back to bed. Listen.
I tried to give you a warning, and then I
even gave you a sound warning as I was taking
out the knees to let you know that was I
was doing that. So if you just want to bring
Roger to the door, I'll wait since it's gonna take
(30:41):
a little longer because you're I'm not going to my
roomy boom right, he seems like he's already awake. Just
all out his name. I'll wave him over. It's real simple.
That other knees don't look real sweet? Well, then why
(31:01):
don't you give it a nice, hershy kiss because I
kiss a little cool. Maybe I need to rest my
(31:25):
nutsack on the top of your head. I got him
off a street bending, Darryl. You are five hours late
from your delivery shift today. You delivered one package and everything,
(31:46):
and you're covered in blood. Um, I want you to
tell me why I should not fire what's happening? No,
it's not a murder. Mystery. I'm trying to be a
generous employer. Okay, you obviously one out. We have bodycams
on all of our delivery guys. Now, I saw you
dunk on that guy's knees and open the packet, put
(32:10):
your balls on your team back in his head. That
was a sack of hot nuts I got from a
street vendor, if I maybe, and it just happened to
look like to keep actual nuts on. But the sack
I put on this forehead, it was just you. Understand
why I have a hard time believing you say you
had it out for me. You broke this guy from
(32:30):
the beginning. You're saying that this is about me. Jessica,
I like to come in attention that you did. You
say you'd like to come into your office. I don't
know why you asked me to come sit in your
office first and wait for you to come in this fields.
(32:51):
I kind of weird mind games, Jessica. Please, let's let's
let's take the focus on me for a second. Let's
put it on you, because it seems though from my
thought that you have is that I'm sorry, I don't understand. Hi. There,
I see I have another person in the room. I
see an m MQ. Welcome to cam girls all day?
(33:19):
So can you see me? No, And that's part of
the fun. That's part of the fun. You just tell
me what you want me to do, and I will
do it for you. Live. Well, I m hm, I
wouldn't make a corn my grandson. Okay is that a euphemism? No? No,
(33:41):
I I made a corn suit. H But I gave
it to to a friend, and I'm trying to reconnect,
try to reconnect with my grandson. That's hot. Well, it
actually breathes pretty well, so it's good in uh in
hotter weather. You just tell me what you want me
to do. Okay, Well, I think he's a forty six
(34:05):
regular m tall boy. Yeah, this is just based on
a zoom window, so my my calculations might be all off.
And thirty four waste kind of a wallet, I guess.
(34:28):
And uh and so it's a suit made of corn
if that wasn't clear before, and uh at a vest
I think would be nice as well. Okay, okay, I
have all these cans of corn. You going to open
it open? Okay? You like that? Well, that's like that's
wet corn right there. I'm gonna put it into a strainer.
(34:51):
Is that what you want? What do you mean you
should have down my farm? I I thought I had
like eight months to to bring my yield up and
and I could resell it to the government. What do
you mean was shutting down? All right? Um, it's getting
shut down all right. So I want you to wrap
(35:12):
up all this farming, gia and get the funk out.
I have an application from the city, it's all. I
don't care. It's too late for this. You should have
done a long time ago. This is unorthodox phone. Not
one of these was not one of these of us
grown from mon Santo corn. What get your farm, gilla,
and this fucking farm is closed. I can just wrap
(35:36):
up all my farm fucking farm gia and get the
funk out. I can't just wrap it up, sir. Okay,
you women is massive. This is New York City. We
don't want to fucking farms in here. Okay. I want
you to wrap this up and put it in farm
land area. Don't want the hell you want me to do. Okay.
The city gave me the permit to do it. They
(35:58):
gave me the guy it was I'm at They didn't
know what you're talking about nobody wants an urban cornfield.
Get this fucking corn field out of New York City. Look,
I'm gonna talk to the mayor. I gotta go to
the mayor's I have to go to a city council
meeting or something, because this is this is this is
unlawful and bullshit. All right, well, well you're going through paperwork.
(36:20):
I'm gonna be wrapping up your fucking farm gear. Okay,
so you can look. Do you do that. I'm gonna
see your asking court. Okay, see you there, I'm okay,
you there, Okay, everybody, Welcome to the New York City
Google hang city council meeting, cy council. Anybody that uh
(36:44):
canceled me? Council. I don't know what a New York
fucking accent is. This fucking guy over here, you and
not We get it. We fucking get it. You know
what I mean? I see it's a city fucking concil
meeting over a little more Chicago than you. Okay, it's like,
you know what I mean? So why we go? Anybody
want to speak? Yeah? Yeah, I got something to say. Okay,
(37:10):
really from Queens, I could tell yeah, you no more
accents a little bit different. Um, I'm wondering when you know,
I'm wondering when it's gonna be okay for me to
get collect the rent from my tenants because I feel
like people are kind of, you know, not paying rent
(37:30):
and I can kind of chill about it or whatever.
So uh, i'd say, uh, you know, fucking right away.
You know what I mean, I'm going right away. What
do you mean? Well, that concludes this New York City
Council me farm, Grandpa. I had to sell the farm
(37:54):
so I can't make that corn suit with you that
I wanted to make. Well, I've got a surprise for
your grandson. What is it? Hello? Who is this? I've
invited a cam girl into our chad Jesus, Grandpa. No,
I don't want to see a camp ma'am. I don't.
I don't. I don't need to see you, ma'am. Oh,
(38:16):
you'll want to see it when she tries on the suit.
Look at this, My god, what a wet corn tank time.
It's wet right now, but it's about to get by
the time it gets to you to be nice and dry.
You just try drives a big turn on where it
isn't it? I mean, I guess like dry, like dry corn. Yeah,
(38:41):
huh yeah, regular, is that right? Yeah? This is gonna
fit you so well. You know your you know your
grandpa wanted me to make you a fest grandpa, and
I also wanted you to be here when I proposed
marriage to this young lady. Still you're still married to Lucille.
(39:04):
Oh she died of COVID. I spread it. I'm spreading
it all over the place. No, you're a super spender. No,
oh my god, that's so hot. And that is seen too.
I mean, couldn't we have ended it on a higher note?
I don't think so. C three comes to us from Kristen,
(39:29):
who wrote, I just recently discovered this podcast and now
it feels the empty space in my life when a
spontanean nation ended. Oh. I think that's the second email
we got that said that's seen suggestion a hosted situation
training exercise that devolves into an actual hostage situation. I
love you, Kristen. Actually I added to love you. I
(39:52):
think she loves loves us. She just wrote her name Christen.
That's that's admissions I've ever heard in my life. You
felt so obliged, and I was like, I think it's
a pretty high likelihood. Do you think she she was
gonna come down here with it? You know, I never
(40:12):
said I love you? Do you another email? I have
a question? Okay, question, let's let's say hypothetically. Of course, hypothetical.
Of course I have two It's okay, we're just this
(40:33):
is hypothetical, hypothetical. So no, you're you're nuts. Sorry, I'm sorry,
hold on one second. Uh could you please stand up
in the back and come forward to the front of
the class? Uh? When you said, I said hypothetical and
you should so are my nuts? I don't think you know.
What's the word hypothetically? It means my nuts? So together? Nope, no, no,
(40:59):
hypothetical me that it might not necessarily be true. But
a class you you both of you come up to
the front of the class. What what you two? All right,
let's not get on the same page. We have a
hypothetical question about having four arms. Clearly we could see
he doesn't have four arms. But it's hypothetical because what if?
(41:21):
Now he's telling me his balls are hypothetical, which means
he's got some what if balls? Together? Yeah, I mean
it's hypothetically together. I mean, that's the whole thing. Right. Also,
back to the forearm guy. This class is supposed to
help us in a hasta situation. No one's ever gonna
(41:44):
have four arms, So why don't we just jump past
this bullshit and get to the real questions. Alright, everybody
take a seat, and everybody take a seat. You're getting
a little close to me. Everybody's getting way close. Waste
of time. Hey, back up, back up. I can't back up.
You smell like sausage. Now I'll go back to my seat. Okay,
(42:07):
thank you, thank you. Alright, class, everybody calmed down. We're
just doing some hostage negotiation and we have a hyper job.
What was that just a hypothetical question? I got this
job because I was one of the best hostage negotiators,
(42:28):
and they thought to themselves, is it better for me
negotiating one hostage situation a month or teaching many hostage
negotiators that I can spread like Johnny Appleseed did seeds
across America so that you guys can hostage negotiate all
over all the time. Have you but have you ever
been a hostage yourself? Have I ever been a hostage?
(42:49):
To the question, no, No, I haven't been a hostage.
So I haven't been. Maybe you're not the best if
you don't know what it's like. Today is the day.
What is that? Is that a threat? Come up to
the front of the class. You feel pretty safe at
the back of the class to me, I want you
(43:11):
to sit in one of these front seats here so
I can keep an eye on Yeah, sure, keep an
eye on me. That that'll be helpful, thank you. Oh shit,
what that guy has four arms? All right, that's just
all calmed down. Everybody down? Who whoa? Okay? Everyone down? Everyone?
(43:34):
Everyone shut? He has a gun in each hand. Everybody
all right, shut up? Shut okay, you guys together. He
must be half off pus. Okay, listen up, listen up. Okay.
I don't know what I did this in ball days?
Why did I do this? I was just supposed to
go out. I was just supposed to be out in
the town. But I hadn't popp into this guy damn seminar.
(43:56):
And to pop into this seminar and just see what
it was like. Now I am at the edge, man,
I am at the edge, and if anything's gonna push
me over, it's gonna be do you hear me? Man?
I do alright? Class why don't you come. We'll give
your name like doctor semi doc semioc's head. Kay, he's
(44:29):
got him by the net. Okay, y'all see this right, y'all. Okay,
I'll negotiate. I'll negotiate. Okay, let him go and take
my take me, take me. I've always I feel like
it's a good important to He's got both of you,
(44:50):
he's got all those times. Okay, let go at him. Okay,
let go with him. I'm there. Is this because I
asked if you had ever been a hostess before, and
now you're trying to be boys. Guy sucks. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
sir doctors, were you just were you just casually staying
(45:11):
at this double tree and you walked by and saw
that there was a seminar occurring in this ballroom? Is
that how this happened? Okay, okay, okay, So maybe maybe
maybe you're supposed to be here, you know, you know,
maybe maybe this is a good thing, a positive thing.
That's right, that's right, that's right. I'm going to open
this chess o. I'm not someone else, someone else, some else.
(45:35):
I'm going to I'll try hi. Um, sir, doctor, are
you a real doctor. Okay, I'm sorry, I just I
see that you just killed our teacher. You ripped over chess.
It was really good. You did a really good job.
You should be really proud of yourself and maybe you
(45:58):
can walk away here. I'm like on a high note,
you know what I mean, Like, you did a good job.
You you ripped open a chest and now you are
these for everyone? Or no, well they're technically for the
people that are signed up my eyes. Director, we have
(46:18):
a situation going at the Double Trees ballroom. Looks like
there's a hostage situation going on right now? What? What? What? What? Look?
I I'm the head of Double Tree. Yes, sir, so
you are. I mean, we need to wake your ass up. Okay,
we need to get down there right now. I'm how
(46:38):
do we have a hostage situation? Oh, I'm so sorry.
We have a no room in waking up situation. I
didn't mean to let him in the house. He just
barged in, dude, So I'm super sorry about this. I
am super groggy right now. So we need you down there. Okay,
get out of my face, all right. Look do you
want a warm chocolate chip cookie? Yes? Okay, Well, there
(47:01):
you go have a warm chocolate chuck cookie. Thank you.
That's why we do it, Double Tree. When people check in,
we give them warm chocolate chip cookies. So that's what
separates us from other chain hotels. Certain we need you
down there right now. Why do I have to be
there because you're the director Double Tree? Do you have
a responsibility to the shareholders as well as the individual
who are staying. Okay, you don't need to articulate that much.
(47:23):
I'm getting what you're saying. Okay, okay, okay, alright, alright
take me there. Okay, so we have a ferry taking
us over the ferry. Come on, everybody, we need to
work a little harder to get these Double Tree chocolate
chip cookies made to get him out the tree. Yeah, everybody,
please get that double time triple time or whatever. It takes.
(47:47):
Chips and chips and chips. Oh my head, my hand
is tell me, first of all, we're any of the
keebler elves hurt in this in this situation. Okay, okay, okay,
(48:11):
but you are one of these. If you look over
to your left, you'll see an actual whale has decided
to say hi to was today. Wow, that is it?
Was worth at checking the ferry. I'll tell you that much. Okay. Doctor, Okay, doctor,
(48:33):
you've made your point. You've made your point. You made
your point. Do you see why it's so important to
rotate your tires? Get it? Get it? Can I ask
you one? Just one question? Just one question? What do
you want? Was that? What want? Was that? Was? God?
(48:53):
That was good? That wasn't want? Yeah, that's a good question. Okay.
I just wanted to talk to my dad one more time.
Is he dead or alive? What a question I ask?
That's crazy? Okay, So why what? What are you gonna
ask next? Colorous hair? What is that to do with anything?
(49:14):
I'm not going to ask what color is your hair?
I can't solve it's red or bl Obviously he's a
redhead for sure. Oh God, Danny, Danny, you're the only
one that hasn't tried anything in this whole fucking class. Dude. Ah, look, uh,
(49:40):
what do you want? Pal? What what? I'm not talking
to you, I'm talking to this guy. I want you want.
I want to talk to my dad, I guess like him.
Were you asking me? I'm getting out, I'm getting the
funk out of here. No, no, okay, doctor, doctor, It's
(50:02):
just you and me, just you and me. I also
want to talk to my dad. Do you know do
you know what my who my dad is or who
he was? Uh Pepsi? Yes, exactly, exactly, so was my dad.
But your dad was also the head of Pepsi and
(50:23):
my dad is the CEO of Double Tree. Oh okay, alright, alright,
I'm here, I'm the director of Double Tree. What's what's
going on? We've all, many of us have been hurting. Alright,
I've already heard from the fucking else. Well, there were
(50:45):
two of us that got killed. You could be a
little nicer, Okay. I keep hearing that all the elves died,
and then I'm seeing tons of elves telling you we
produce extremely thickly. Okay, look, I I hope this doesn't
sound harsh. I feel like we still have way too
many else so we need the moves, sir, her we
(51:06):
have to deal with the hostage. Where is the ballroom?
Where is the ballroom? Take me there? Okay, We're gonna
have to climb a lot of stairs or stairs. Who
designed this fucking hotel? You did? Sir? Oh no, this
is taking me back to my PEPSI days. I mean, dr,
you know, what would you say to your dad if
(51:26):
you were here? I tell you, why, why do you
have these two arms attached to me? That's a good question.
That's a good question. I asked my dad. I asked
my dad. You know, I don't know, sir, if we
could just ask a couple of questions to follow up
on your application. It seems you're taking matters into your
(51:48):
own hands and and and requesting to add two arms
to your son. Is that right? Okay? Um, I'm not saying, well,
that's something we don't do here. I don't know what
you've heard. It's possible that we could. Look. I know
you do. I know you do it. I know you
have to keep the building. I know you've done it
(52:09):
in the palace. Okay, So I'm a I'm an executive
the second biggest COLA company in this country. Uh, and
I'm I'm soon about to transfer to design hotels for
Double Tree. Know your resume speaks for itself, which is
the reason we're having this conversation now. Money is no object.
That is my last Can I get you a water? Yes,
(52:31):
that's a good question, cir Can we get your water? Uh?
What type of water, any kind of water I have.
I have a funnel on my legs. I can suck
up any water I want. Jesus, what kind of freaks
are you're designing here? Well, sir, you've come to the
right place, and there's a reason. The place it's called
Drinks so and not Geeks that's down the street right.
(52:56):
I went to Geeks first. That was a necessarily. So
you want to add two arms to your son? Okay, yes,
he's he's eight. Now will the arms grow over? Actually?
My question next to follow up question is do you
want the arms above the existing arms or below them?
It doesn't matter. It matter to me. I'm going to
be doing the surgery, so I just need to know
(53:18):
where you want them. Well, I think above then they'd
be coming out of the shoulders. Right below it feels
like a blow would be coming more from the waist,
and it feels like there's a little more room to
put two arms there. But you're you're you're the freak doctor.
I mean, dr do you have do you have a
(53:41):
best friend? Do you have a best friend? I do?
How do you have a hush friend? Me too? It's
yours imaginary too. No, he's uh no, but there's nothing
wrong with that. That's nothing wrong with that, wrong with that. Okay, okay,
you don't need to point you don't need to point
(54:01):
all four guns at me. I'm your friend, I'm okay, okay,
I'm the director of this hotel. What's going on here?
Daddad son son Dad that son son Dad son Dad,
son son son Dad. They really made those arms coming
(54:23):
out of the shoulders, didn't they just like I asked
them not to do. Well, you didn't want to see
the surgery after it was dead. Huh No, I don't
want to see you because you became a freak. But
you made me a free I did and I'm responsible
for that. And you made me a geek. Dad, you
made me a geek. Well that's what I have, that
(54:44):
a freak and a geek. And that's our show for today.
Damn Nation. Let's thank all of our alchemists today for
Johnny the Festivity, starting with Mr Chris Ovada. Chris, thank
you very much, thank you. I just love you, guy
is I love playing with everybody. Queen, thank you for that.
(55:05):
Caroline Cotter, speaking of Queen's yep, thank you. Takes the
queen to know a queen happy to be here. Any
locations are projects you'd like to share with folks. Locations Yeah,
where they can stop buying, bring your or toast. Yeah,
I guess so. I love like right outside Silver Lake.
(55:28):
I guess so, Bronze Lake. Um, no, it's called Virgil Village.
Was that a joke? Yeah, that's what I do, Virgil
Village though the address is two Samith Is that right? Yep,
that's are exactly it. If anything, you want to send
(55:51):
their folks now you know where Craig Atkowski, thank you
so very much. My pleasure. Just the one location right now,
but hoping to expand. Excellent. Uh, Joey, great, thank you
very much for being here. Pal, good to be here.
I am looking for a place, so yeah. Well, yes,
(56:11):
I've been asked to leave the partment I'm in right now.
At least they're kind of enough to ask you. That's
an improvement. James E. I'm doing great. The only problem
I've been having, and I'm so grateful to be here,
but it's just that I don't have any reviews to read,
and I don't know what to do with my time anymore.
So I just look the last one I got. This
(56:33):
is I busted out my old iPad to finally lead
this review. I've been listening since the beginning and every
now Tuesday there's a pest control job in San Diego.
I got my wife into it as well. It helps
me get through the tedious and demanding crawling inside above
under restaurants sprang blah blah. And it ends with something important.
It's question, Timmy, that's the that's the final thing, Timmy,
(56:54):
question mane. That's the final thing. It says, it's Mike
on the Triumph and I do appreciate that. I just
keep rereading that that that review. So folks, if you're
out there, please drive us more review so we can
help James not have to read the same review to
himself over and over again. If there's anything to wish,
thank you, and let's thank you engineer to the Stars
and superstar himself, Mr Doug Bam. Fine, folks that I
(57:18):
heart media from from from from right to the podcast.
Your name here at alcove me this dot com. I'm
Kevin Pollock. Thanking you so very much for joining us,
and please stay safe and super healthy out there until
next time. Yeah, bet a football of p
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This is COVID ninetition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yess that, Kevin, Bob. When
I saw your letter dated July two thousand and nineteen,
I knew it was not good news, and so I
guess I, if I'm honest, I voted reading it. After all?
(00:22):
Is the date today killed my entire family with my
Lieutenant Colombo impersonation? Ah, Why won't you let me live
with my past? Why? But I digress. Let's meet there, Alchemist.
Shall we know particular? To say hello to Craig Atkowski Cocao.
If you woke up tomorrow morning and Joey Greer was
standing at the foot of your bed, what would be
(00:44):
your first question? What the fuck? I think that's a
fair question. Hey, Caroline Connor's here, Cartter can can If
you got a call later from one of your parents
(01:05):
who told you that Danny de Vito is your real father,
what would you say to Danny? I would love it.
I'd say I love you, and I kicked my fake
dad to the curb. I love Danny DeVito. I wish
that was true. Okay, I love my dad, but I
don't love Danny clearly, it's true. You do what there's
(01:28):
Chris Alvarado, Chris not pish. What was that you just
took out of your mouth? That would be four milligram
nicotine gum? You fabs? Look sweet, everybody, it's James Eeny,
(01:48):
Johnny Jimbo Limpsky. What in your computer searches you would
surprise us most well? I let me take a quick look. Um,
huh do you want to come back to me afterwards
and I'll tell you. I'm sure there's something interesting. I
wasn't looking for an honest or laurel answer. You know
what it is? It's uh, it's how to make match
(02:10):
of honey that doesn't surprise me? Okay, then come back
to me later and I'll find something fair enough. And last,
but may the damn grass? Oh no, this makes no sense.
And last, but cut the damn grass. If you think
at least let's try that. It's Joey great chunks. Seriously,
what is that smell? I've been trying to find it.
(02:32):
I don't know what it is. It's not me. I
can tell you that right now, but I don't know.
I really don't know. Okay, Well, whoever smelled it? Delta
let's do a damn show. Almost all of your scene suggestions,
they are gathered from your listener emails. I love your
listener emails, I truly do so. Those of you who
would like to weigh in and get a reply from me,
(02:53):
please write to us at your name here at alcomey
this dot com. That's your name here at alcome this
dot com parrot if you will. Oh, just responding to
Mr al Farado see number one in fact, comes from
patron v. I p member Jess who wrote your band
of hilarious misfits is keeping me sane throughout this pandemic.
James look away. James likes to check out the Patreon
(03:18):
emails as well, but he's made it clear he does
not like to know what the scene suggestions are in advance,
and that's why occasionally those of you wondering why the
hell I read it, James look away. That's what it's
pertaining to, and now he's always appreciate it. Yeah right,
James says, thank you. Here is the scene suggested by
patroon V. I remember, just a fishing guide who thinks
(03:42):
they know where all the good fish are, but really
I don't know anything. I love you guys so much, Kevin,
keep it real? Why wait wait, why do I have
to from Jess? Yeah? So I mean fly fishing. Uh,
you know, all that short game, long game, it's all here.
(04:05):
So I mean, this is all some of the best,
some of the best. Okay, I've been really gone fishing,
you know, since I was a kid with my dad,
so you know, but I just want to, you know,
introduce my boy to you know, this tradition. So oh
hell yeah. I remember coming down here with my dead dude.
We'd all run around and there was all you know, fish,
(04:25):
what's yeah, you have WiFi? What's no? No, we don't
do WiFi out here. We just use this whole landline
right there is So if you need that name, you
call it in. Okay, Well, Blaine, I guess you. You
know you won't be able to play your your your apps.
You're gonna have to actually excuse me, excuse me. This
(04:48):
is a private estate. You can't just you can't go
into the water on that boat here. This is for
people to live in this neighborhood. Okay, all right, yeah,
well let's just let's just up the boat out and
then we'll get the hell out of here. You no, no, no,
please put your boat back on the car, and you're
gonna have to go somewhere else. This is a private pond. Well,
(05:09):
I mean you know a lot of ways it is.
But yeah, yeah, man, come down. Your nag in the
day must have changed and I don't recognize you. Yeah,
I live on the waterway, so it's something. It's all
connected in that way. But so why don't we Why
don't we just security? I'm going to security. You guys,
(05:32):
don't go anywhere. Let's put the boat up and put
the boat trailer. Come on, guys, don't you don't? Dad?
When you said I can't play my apps, I was
gonna get really upset with you and stuff. But it
was in that moment where I realized, I think you're
trying your best, and I think you're really trying to
connect with me, and I appreciate that good. I am. Hey,
(05:57):
hustle up, hustle up. We need to get this boat
on this truck. Okay, I'm in a moment with my
son here. Dirtyeah. Well, I'm trying to have a moment
or we don't go get goddamn arrested. Come get this
trunk up. Is it true? Dad? Maybe we could get
arrested together. I guess it's possible. Have you ever been arrested.
I've been arresting. Yeah, I've been arrested. Now come on,
(06:18):
not here, let's just come on. Put this on the
trailer right over here, right here. Security. Why is that
guy screaming? What's his n Barren Blunt? What's his name?
But that was blame blame. Look, you got to take
the blame for this, all right. You got to say
that this is your car and this is your boat,
all right, all right, right now, what apparently seems to
(06:40):
be the trouble here just a second, sir, I'll be
with you in a moment, Tim Did you call this in? Yeah?
I called this in. This isn't an unlawful docking of
the boat. And I believe that they're going to be
taking the fish that we've stocked in the pond, And damn,
I'm gonna go ahead and decide what is and isn't lawful.
Appreciate you put the police car in park. I have
(07:02):
it idly behind you, parks where it belong. Son, Okay,
can I come out? Don't stay in the car now? Okay?
What does this take your kid to work? Today? The attitude.
I don't appreciate it at all because I'm talking to
this community. And yeah, thank you, thank you for reminding
me who I work for. Damn, I appreciate that. I'll
(07:25):
just like you to take care of these guys here.
Thank you. Dad. Yeah, I'm gonna ask some questions now, sir?
Is this your vehicle? Follow my lead? Dad, Um, it's
my vehicle. Look at this little fellow, which is your
your vehicle? Son? Um, this truck and this boat they
belong to you. Do that, yes, sir? And as a
(07:46):
matter of fact, this is my dad who I'm proud of,
and I'm proud of the fact that he's also smuggling
drugs and we're doing it together right there. What's your
your son of comedians? Sir? Yes, am an amateur amateur comedian.
Is there a place I can see him perform at
some point? Because the opening joke is killing me? What
(08:11):
the fun is going on? So here's what I want
you to do, Officer. I'm gonna reach for your gun
right now. Wow, he's a he's a rascal, this little fellow.
Let me let me what are you doing? He's killing me?
Is this part of your type five? What the hell
are you talking about? Nothing to do with it? Okay,
(08:35):
so you're going to commit to the bit, I get it.
It's cool. I'll send some shows, all right. Uh now, dirt, Uh,
you can't. You can't load the boat out here. We've
we've been over this before. You're inside of a gated
community and you brought these folks. Oh, I mean, oh god, yep, yep.
(08:57):
You and your daddy used to fish here. I remember
the story. But why do you follow me on out?
My son's gonna gonna guide us out of here. And
then no, I'm sorry. Why is nobody taking me seriously? Yeah?
I am sorry. I am standing by, and I can't
do it any longer. This is a gated community, and
these drug smugglers are trying to put drugs out of
the boats. Sometime I'm about to play drugs smugglers. Quiet
(09:20):
down while the cops are here. Okay, Now, I want
you to arrest this little drug dealer right now. You
may let them go. You mean, what appairs would be
a nine year old? Is that what you want me
to do? Too? Well? You know you want me to
haul off Mr nine and a half toted to be
a drug dealer in my neighborhood. So much fun. Tim,
(09:45):
I need you to take out the tampon. Look me
square in the ass. This nine and a half year
old ain't going to juvie, not today, not on my watch.
I'm gonna get these folks out of your hair. I'm
gonna bring this up at the h O way this month.
Get up with the mayor all the way. Okay. Next
on the docket, we're gonna be talking about fences, all right,
(10:06):
and everyone who has offense, make sure that that's a
you send an application to. Oh my god, Oh my god,
I'm sorry. I just realized I put a fence up,
but I didn't send an application, and I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill myself. I want to kill myself. I
want you guys to watch. We'll send it an application.
It's already up. Well, no, Susan, to kill yourself, you're
(10:28):
gonna need to send in an application. I can remember
to send in an application to kill myself. I forgot
to put one in for the fences, Susan. If you
kill yourself with that without an application, you will be fine. Okay,
Oh my god, I'm so I think the dumbest person
that's in this housing community. Yeah, yeah you are. Okay,
now we're gonna have to We're gonna give you a
thirty day notice to the defense, okay. Uh and from then, also,
(10:53):
we're just gonna have some guidelines on on on the
paint for the fence. Right now we have we're looking
at chalk and one of the as one of the paints.
And uh. Also, uh, I didn't I did it white?
I did white. I didn't know that chalk was an option. Um,
I'm so fun. Can you just kind of burn my house? Okay,
(11:13):
you're gonna have to send in an application to burn
your house down. Okay, Susan, You're not just gonna be
able to burn it down. Now. We also have been
petitioned from Tim Thomas. He wants to uh speak in
front of us in a moment, So let's just give
him our attention. Tim. Before we move on to Tim,
(11:34):
can I just bring up something about the fencing. Yeah,
we we all have fences. I don't understand why Susan
is so upset about having a fence. We we all
we all put in our applications for the tent. Susan didn't.
I'm sorry if I had to turn Susan in. She
needed to follow the same goddamn rules, and I followed.
When I put my fence upright, white fence next to
(11:57):
my chalk fence looks like shit. I know, I know
I messed up. Can we stop rubbing my nose in
my own stinky diarrhea? Please? Thanks Tim doing a great job, buddy,
Thank you. Solve the alienate more paper while you're at it,
ding Dong? Is he talking to me? Yes? He said
(12:17):
your name? Yes, Yes, Okay, I vote. Try to put
a vote before the committee before about removing Tim from
the neighborhoods, and I think that vote we reconsider all right. Well,
then the vote has been called, so let's let's have
a vote to vote for moving Tim. You can't vote, okay,
(12:45):
majority majority wins and U to me didn't even vote.
He said, I'm going to vote for against removing me. Well,
too late, he didn't say a thing. So the vote
is counted, uh seventeen to nothing. You need emispode Tim. Tim.
I'm sorry you weren't able to speak here, but you
(13:06):
you will be asked to leave. Don't forget to fill
out an application to move. Ding Dong's right, you don't
have to fill out an application that that is correct
for movie. Yeah. Oh, don't let the gated community gate
hits in the on the way out. Okay, gave o gab,
We get it. Okay. I think I think enough damage
(13:27):
has been done to him, all right. I mean that's funny.
I just feel really disrespected that the CoP's son is
going to pat me down because he's not even a
real cop. And this feels weird. I can hear you.
I can hear you. I wasn't trying to be quiet.
I never said I was a real cop. I'm going
with my dad and take your kid to work day.
(13:48):
And my hands are small as I can get in
the crevices where I need to pat. Hey are you
and your dad close? Yeah? Pretty close? Why I'm working
on that. You see that guy over there, the tall one, Yeah,
the guy that looks like a wallet. Yeah, yeah, that's
that's my dad. Really, he's actually anything like him. He's
(14:11):
crazy looking. I know. Do you ever drink Pepsi? Yeah?
I love Pepsi. My dad's the CEO of Pepsi Cola
what Yeah, And so he's always away on business and
this was his idea of trying to connect with me
(14:31):
and stuff. You know, I'm gonna say this again. Look,
if we go it seems like your son's in trouble,
we can still do this fishing thing. Ain't no problem.
And I don't always create water holes, and we can
still make it happen, all right, because I don't want
you to what are we talking? Dirt? Freshwater, saltwater? You
name me, you name me? I mean I know, I mean,
I know I know where there's freshwater and it turns
(14:54):
into saltwater, so goddamn. But if you're like, have the
hell right? So, I mean, I know I'm not a
fish man. I know how to fish man. Yeah, I mean,
you know I fish on on land, but you know
that's that's cold hunt. So we wouldn't get as much
fish on land, right, And if we were to go
to the light and let's say, let's say a water
hole necessarily fresh water all but but you know who
(15:17):
knows man? You know, evolution, I believe it. I'm believing it,
you know what I mean? So I like, who not?
Maybe a fish could have evolved into I don't know,
some kind of stird raft And you're like, he stop
touching me, dirt, get your sorry, Get your hands out
of my pockets. So sorry, sort sorry. The grooves just
look so natural certain you know you and me, I
(15:42):
know that, you know. I say you're a good guy.
You look you look like a good guy, and I
want you. I'm not a good guy. I'm a terrible person.
What do you mean? What do you mean? You got
a whole bunch of bodies in your drunk or dad?
What did you do? I work for the worst soda
company our no, no, so they're they're bad. Uh PEPSI
(16:06):
I'm the CEO. Oh Jesus Christ, Oh my god. I know,
I know. I'm just trying to try to atone. I
know I'm trying to atone for that and give my son.
You know, it's a real connection with nature and with
his dad. Damn well, I mean, I don't be honest.
You ain't gonna be able to attone just in a day.
(16:29):
But but maybe just in an action, you can change
your wicked wife. How about how about we go fishing? Huh? Oh? Yeah?
Is that is that your proposal? The thing that we
were already gonna do? Alright, alright, down, I'm down here, guy.
I don't want to be on the pitchis hit listen,
all right, now that I work for the company that
(16:50):
the time that most people hear our name is when
people say is Pepsi. Okay, we're the drink you for guys. Guys,
I'm glad I caught you before you went on the boat.
I want to help you deal to drugs. Okay, this
neighborhoods sucked. Let this whole neighborhood go down the drain
and I don't give a funk what what what? What
(17:11):
drugs are we dealing? Let's do this. You took a turn,
Tim kicked me out of the neighborhood. I've found myself
on the other side of the gate. What's this paper
that says suicide application. I'm not going to fill it out.
I don't want to do it. But you took one.
I I had to. I mean everybody was looking at me.
(17:33):
But it was a ruge suicide application. Yeah, they gave
me a lot of paperworkers. I left the room, but
I'm not feeling any of it out. In fact, I
want to get involved on the ground floor of this
drug operation. So what are we gonna go out and
the like? How does this work go out in the pond?
And how do we there's no, there's no drugs. Tim,
What do you want to be when you grow up? Um?
(17:58):
I ain't Maybe like a fisherman or something like that.
Oh that's cool, yeah, starry hole on. My hands are
a little cold. I just gotta reach up there. What
are you looking for exactly? Drugs? A gun? What do
(18:19):
you want to be when you grow up? Mm hmm.
I'm kind of going back and forth on that. I'm
really good at the piano. Oh yeah, but I'm also
good with numbers. Oh yeah, Wow. Do you have the
best friend? I would say my dad, but no, no
(18:43):
one like a pr age, do you No? I wish
I could say my dad, but he's trying. Yeah, um,
do you want to be my best friend? And of
course that was such a long pause. No, I was nervous. Now,
Jordan and I think you've had enough time off with
(19:06):
your son. All right, but we need you back at
the office a sat Do you understand? Okay, I need
to these bottles filled caps and ship and I'm not
going to just have a machine, dude, that our individuals
on the floor. Okay, I need a CEO of Picola
to do that, all right? Why am I taking motors
from you again. I speak for the board, all right,
(19:28):
and the board told me to tell you you need
to get on this. Aren't our combination KFC, Taco Bell
and Pizza Hut's doing well? Oh they're doing fine, Jordan,
but we need them to do a lot better than that,
because right now Coca Cola has crispy cream. Don't What
are you gonna do? Are you gonna slap me like
(19:49):
you did before? Okay? Look, I've been working out, I've
been doing I'm not going to let that affect my
confidence and my duty. Jordan, what do you mean he
slapped you through the phone phone? Okay? Now, can I
just have something to drink when I get home and
just some decompression? Baby baby? Yes, yes, yes, I made
(20:14):
you kissing me. I don't want to do anything right now.
I want sex from you. Well, I want to relax.
You want to know what's happening. One Oh so good,
so painfully good. See Two comes from Cam who wrote, hey,
(20:35):
alchemist you thanks to you all for keeping the energy
positive during these times? Is that what we're doing the
fact that you are using video chat for scenes now
gave me an idea. Marvin MQ using his new cell
phone to video chat with his friends and family while
in isolation. Thank you so much, guys, you are awesome
cam press. Uh Marvin, you've got your your muted. You've
(21:00):
out of a mute Marvin, Marvin. Yeah, he can't reply.
I mean he's shaking it. He's shaking his head. Marvin.
It's a button on the bottom left corner. It'll say
mute with like a little red X through it. Click
on that, mar Okay, I think maybe it's working now. Okay, Well,
(21:30):
it's so good. It's so good to see. Yeah, Marvin. Thanks.
Uh now tell me who who over you are? Again?
This is your grandson, Marvin. You are my grandson. Yes,
I'm This is Toby okay, from which marriage? From not
(21:51):
from your marriage? I'm your grandson. And hey, this is DJ.
You and I worked together on the untitled Marvin MQ project.
I just want to say why, Oh, I know, I
know who DJ is. That's my dog. That is my dog.
How you're holding how you holding up during the quarantine?
Just making content and splitting asses? You know what I mean? Sweet?
(22:15):
Sweet me too, bro me too, Marvin. I'm your newest wife, right,
I thought you were familiar. We aren't you? There? With him.
He has to quarantine himself for fourteen days. So, Grandpa,
did you get chicked? Are you sick? Cranpa? I went,
I went to Trader Joe's and somebody sneezed on me.
(22:38):
Oh my god. All right, well, um, Lucila's are a
way for you to to to check on him or
just see if he's okay. I don't want to get sick.
Are you kidding me? Okay? Well, someone has to go
in there and make sure that. So why do you
do it? Because I'm in New York. I don't care
take a plane ride do? I said, I'm a super spreader.
(23:02):
They did say that I was at that doctor's appointment.
What does that mean? You're a super spreader? Like you're
just super contagious, Grandpather? Then you actively spread it? I think? Okay, God,
damn it. Uh we we we gotta do something here.
We gotta get we gotta say, hey, Marvin, thanks for
sending me those pictures. Dude, it's really cool. I can't.
But you made a whole suit out of corn in
(23:23):
that bunker. That's I'll make you one, bro, you want one? Hell? Yeah,
you finished the corn suit. Grandpa thought we were going
to do that. Look, I I don't remember talking to you.
You can not just anybody can wear a corn suit. Yeah,
(23:44):
you're right, he's a corn corn farmer. You're a corn
farmer in New York. Yeah, Grandpa, I'm doing urban farming
and uh, I got a subsidy from the government to
do corn farming here in Brooklyn, so as I'm doing.
That's great, that's great. DJ, what are you listening to
(24:04):
these things? I'm on that that? Uh, drop me a mix,
will I will? You know? Man? You are my dog?
You know that dog. I love when you say that.
You call me your dog, feels better than my own
(24:25):
parents saying they love me. And I mean that. I
mean that. Okay, I got a few more faces on
here that I can't identify. Who else? Who are you?
Who are you? People? It's I'm your first wife. I
don't know exactly why I was invited this. I don't
think you were invited. And you just a hacking zoom.
He clearly just he just you married Marvin for his money,
(24:49):
didn't you. Yes, you don't love him like I do. Know.
I don't love him at all. We've never had sex.
The most we've done is touched lips with close mouths.
I just want his money. It's very clear. I'm his son,
and I don't know why. I'm her and his son
from the first marriage Reggie and uh, it's Chris to
(25:11):
clear to all of us, MA, why this woman married Pa?
And uh, there's no money left for us that never
was gonna be. You know you're divorced. What do you
want from the man? I don't know. I just when
I married you, Mavi, and you were smarter than that.
You were smarter than Sorry, Marv, and I keep telling
you to let it go. I don't understand what a
problem is. Okay, So is this kid yours? And he's awesome? Mom,
(25:37):
He's awesome. Oh no, the grandson is this Reggie's I'm
not Reggie's son. Reggie's from your first marriage, Randy, I'm
from your seventh marriage. I'm gonna do daughter from your
seventh marriage. I'm gonna do a quick breakout room real
quick with uh, with with the grandson, real quick. Just
(25:58):
follow me over here, just hit except hit except Hey, man,
what's up? I know it's weird listen. I don't know
if you can smell it in the air, but there
is an opportunity here to make some big Buccaloni needs.
What are you talking about? We got to record your grandpa.
Do you want to exploit my senile grandfather? Yeah, for
(26:19):
some that's some content, that's some viewership. Look, DJ, I
saw the cuts of the weirdass show that you did.
My grandfather was hocked up. It was it was super exploitative.
It was disgusting. Okay, so you're out. I'm sucking out
hell Yeah, not okay, I don't my grandfather another prank show?
Not waiting? What do you mean? Why not? Money is
money not talk. Money does talk, and it tells me
(26:41):
to shut the funk up, and then you're a piece
of ship. Okay, I'm going back to Yeah, okay, okay.
My grandfather is a hundred and thirty years and now
I'm leaving. I'm leaving this room, morv. And it's tend
to you. So how is the zoom call with the family.
It was good. It was good to rinking you mentioned,
you know, and then in these times, family is more
(27:03):
and more surprises at all that came up from from family. Yeah,
I only knew one of the five and he was
he was a producer on a television yeah, but in
terms of the actual family members, well no, you know,
(27:24):
sometimes I used suspect that they just want me for
my money. You know, did you see last night's episode
of n c I S. By the way, Well, I'm
not fully caught up, so don't spoil it, but you
know I've got my you know, the VHS is uh
(27:44):
he is a pistol. Well I've I've met him at
at various n c i S conventions. Oh yeah, oh damn. Yeah.
Well he's a bastard. He's a mean, mean, mean man.
I didn't see that coming. But he'll he'll take money
for autograph. What does he gets Downtoh about huh? You
(28:08):
gotta try that, Sam Levine next time. He gets about
seven dollars. That's the freaks and geeks. Well, I know,
I just dropped that reference is so good with the
references from the early nineties. So who are you again?
I'm David's poker game. It's tend to you. Uh yeah. So,
(28:31):
I mean it's always hard talking to him, you know,
I my heart goes out to him, but I'm also
angry at him. You know, he he's had so many
marriages and he said, head, there's just so many in
the McK family, and I have just this love hate
relationship with him because yeah, here you on the phone.
(28:54):
I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone, and I know,
I know this is therapy. I know, I know, I
know this therapy. I can hold on a fucking second.
Please let me hang up on the phone. Yeah, um,
and just put it through the back and yeah, okay,
I'm ready, I'm present. I'm ready. You're still on the phone. Sorry,
(29:16):
I picked up another call. I'm present and I'm ready,
and I'm sorry. I'm going to my therapy as well
at the same time. Is there someone there could be
someone at your house. I'll call you back. I'll call
(29:37):
you back. Hello, is Roger there? Roger's asleep, wake and
I got a package for him. Do you want to
take the package to him? Look, sir, I don't want
to have a ram strang easy, easy, does it that? Cowboy?
Just get Roger to the door. Look, he's sleep, been
(30:00):
right now, Okay, I'm not gonna wake him up. We
have a roommates agreement to the other one of us.
Continue to raise your voice to me, I'm gonna break
one of your knees. So why don't you get Roger
to the door so I can give him this packet. Look,
why don't you leave it there? What the fun? Dude?
(30:20):
What the fuck to go to sleep? Dude? We have
a fucking agreement, alright. I went back to bed. Listen.
I tried to give you a warning, and then I
even gave you a sound warning as I was taking
out the knees to let you know that was I
was doing that. So if you just want to bring
Roger to the door, I'll wait since it's gonna take
(30:41):
a little longer because you're I'm not going to my
roomy boom right, he seems like he's already awake. Just
all out his name. I'll wave him over. It's real simple.
That other knees don't look real sweet? Well, then why
(31:01):
don't you give it a nice, hershy kiss because I
kiss a little cool. Maybe I need to rest my
(31:25):
nutsack on the top of your head. I got him
off a street bending, Darryl. You are five hours late
from your delivery shift today. You delivered one package and everything,
(31:46):
and you're covered in blood. Um, I want you to
tell me why I should not fire what's happening? No,
it's not a murder. Mystery. I'm trying to be a
generous employer. Okay, you obviously one out. We have bodycams
on all of our delivery guys. Now, I saw you
dunk on that guy's knees and open the packet, put
(32:10):
your balls on your team back in his head. That
was a sack of hot nuts I got from a
street vendor, if I maybe, and it just happened to
look like to keep actual nuts on. But the sack
I put on this forehead, it was just you. Understand
why I have a hard time believing you say you
had it out for me. You broke this guy from
(32:30):
the beginning. You're saying that this is about me. Jessica,
I like to come in attention that you did. You
say you'd like to come into your office. I don't
know why you asked me to come sit in your
office first and wait for you to come in this fields.
(32:51):
I kind of weird mind games, Jessica. Please, let's let's
let's take the focus on me for a second. Let's
put it on you, because it seems though from my
thought that you have is that I'm sorry, I don't understand. Hi. There,
I see I have another person in the room. I
see an m MQ. Welcome to cam girls all day?
(33:19):
So can you see me? No, And that's part of
the fun. That's part of the fun. You just tell
me what you want me to do, and I will
do it for you. Live. Well, I m hm, I
wouldn't make a corn my grandson. Okay is that a euphemism? No? No,
(33:41):
I I made a corn suit. H But I gave
it to to a friend, and I'm trying to reconnect,
try to reconnect with my grandson. That's hot. Well, it
actually breathes pretty well, so it's good in uh in
hotter weather. You just tell me what you want me
to do. Okay, Well, I think he's a forty six
(34:05):
regular m tall boy. Yeah, this is just based on
a zoom window, so my my calculations might be all off.
And thirty four waste kind of a wallet, I guess.
(34:28):
And uh and so it's a suit made of corn
if that wasn't clear before, and uh at a vest
I think would be nice as well. Okay, okay, I
have all these cans of corn. You going to open
it open? Okay? You like that? Well, that's like that's
wet corn right there. I'm gonna put it into a strainer.
(34:51):
Is that what you want? What do you mean you
should have down my farm? I I thought I had
like eight months to to bring my yield up and
and I could resell it to the government. What do
you mean was shutting down? All right? Um, it's getting
shut down all right. So I want you to wrap
(35:12):
up all this farming, gia and get the funk out.
I have an application from the city, it's all. I
don't care. It's too late for this. You should have
done a long time ago. This is unorthodox phone. Not
one of these was not one of these of us
grown from mon Santo corn. What get your farm, gilla,
and this fucking farm is closed. I can just wrap
(35:36):
up all my farm fucking farm gia and get the
funk out. I can't just wrap it up, sir. Okay,
you women is massive. This is New York City. We
don't want to fucking farms in here. Okay. I want
you to wrap this up and put it in farm
land area. Don't want the hell you want me to do. Okay.
The city gave me the permit to do it. They
(35:58):
gave me the guy it was I'm at They didn't
know what you're talking about nobody wants an urban cornfield.
Get this fucking corn field out of New York City. Look,
I'm gonna talk to the mayor. I gotta go to
the mayor's I have to go to a city council
meeting or something, because this is this is this is
unlawful and bullshit. All right, well, well you're going through paperwork.
(36:20):
I'm gonna be wrapping up your fucking farm gear. Okay,
so you can look. Do you do that. I'm gonna
see your asking court. Okay, see you there, I'm okay,
you there, Okay, everybody, Welcome to the New York City
Google hang city council meeting, cy council. Anybody that uh
(36:44):
canceled me? Council. I don't know what a New York
fucking accent is. This fucking guy over here, you and
not We get it. We fucking get it. You know
what I mean? I see it's a city fucking concil
meeting over a little more Chicago than you. Okay, it's like,
you know what I mean? So why we go? Anybody
want to speak? Yeah? Yeah, I got something to say. Okay,
(37:10):
really from Queens, I could tell yeah, you no more
accents a little bit different. Um, I'm wondering when you know,
I'm wondering when it's gonna be okay for me to
get collect the rent from my tenants because I feel
like people are kind of, you know, not paying rent
(37:30):
and I can kind of chill about it or whatever.
So uh, i'd say, uh, you know, fucking right away.
You know what I mean, I'm going right away. What
do you mean? Well, that concludes this New York City
Council me farm, Grandpa. I had to sell the farm
(37:54):
so I can't make that corn suit with you that
I wanted to make. Well, I've got a surprise for
your grandson. What is it? Hello? Who is this? I've
invited a cam girl into our chad Jesus, Grandpa. No,
I don't want to see a camp ma'am. I don't.
I don't. I don't need to see you, ma'am. Oh,
(38:16):
you'll want to see it when she tries on the suit.
Look at this, My god, what a wet corn tank time.
It's wet right now, but it's about to get by
the time it gets to you to be nice and dry.
You just try drives a big turn on where it
isn't it? I mean, I guess like dry, like dry corn. Yeah,
(38:41):
huh yeah, regular, is that right? Yeah? This is gonna
fit you so well. You know your you know your
grandpa wanted me to make you a fest grandpa, and
I also wanted you to be here when I proposed
marriage to this young lady. Still you're still married to Lucille.
(39:04):
Oh she died of COVID. I spread it. I'm spreading
it all over the place. No, you're a super spender. No,
oh my god, that's so hot. And that is seen too.
I mean, couldn't we have ended it on a higher note?
I don't think so. C three comes to us from Kristen,
(39:29):
who wrote, I just recently discovered this podcast and now
it feels the empty space in my life when a
spontanean nation ended. Oh. I think that's the second email
we got that said that's seen suggestion a hosted situation
training exercise that devolves into an actual hostage situation. I
love you, Kristen. Actually I added to love you. I
(39:52):
think she loves loves us. She just wrote her name Christen.
That's that's admissions I've ever heard in my life. You
felt so obliged, and I was like, I think it's
a pretty high likelihood. Do you think she she was
gonna come down here with it? You know, I never
(40:12):
said I love you? Do you another email? I have
a question? Okay, question, let's let's say hypothetically. Of course, hypothetical.
Of course I have two It's okay, we're just this
(40:33):
is hypothetical, hypothetical. So no, you're you're nuts. Sorry, I'm sorry,
hold on one second. Uh could you please stand up
in the back and come forward to the front of
the class? Uh? When you said, I said hypothetical and
you should so are my nuts? I don't think you know.
What's the word hypothetically? It means my nuts? So together? Nope, no, no,
(40:59):
hypothetical me that it might not necessarily be true. But
a class you you both of you come up to
the front of the class. What what you two? All right,
let's not get on the same page. We have a
hypothetical question about having four arms. Clearly we could see
he doesn't have four arms. But it's hypothetical because what if?
(41:21):
Now he's telling me his balls are hypothetical, which means
he's got some what if balls? Together? Yeah, I mean
it's hypothetically together. I mean, that's the whole thing. Right. Also,
back to the forearm guy. This class is supposed to
help us in a hasta situation. No one's ever gonna
(41:44):
have four arms, So why don't we just jump past
this bullshit and get to the real questions. Alright, everybody
take a seat, and everybody take a seat. You're getting
a little close to me. Everybody's getting way close. Waste
of time. Hey, back up, back up. I can't back up.
You smell like sausage. Now I'll go back to my seat. Okay,
(42:07):
thank you, thank you. Alright, class, everybody calmed down. We're
just doing some hostage negotiation and we have a hyper job.
What was that just a hypothetical question? I got this
job because I was one of the best hostage negotiators,
(42:28):
and they thought to themselves, is it better for me
negotiating one hostage situation a month or teaching many hostage
negotiators that I can spread like Johnny Appleseed did seeds
across America so that you guys can hostage negotiate all
over all the time. Have you but have you ever
been a hostage yourself? Have I ever been a hostage?
(42:49):
To the question, no, No, I haven't been a hostage.
So I haven't been. Maybe you're not the best if
you don't know what it's like. Today is the day.
What is that? Is that a threat? Come up to
the front of the class. You feel pretty safe at
the back of the class to me, I want you
(43:11):
to sit in one of these front seats here so
I can keep an eye on Yeah, sure, keep an
eye on me. That that'll be helpful, thank you. Oh shit,
what that guy has four arms? All right, that's just
all calmed down. Everybody down? Who whoa? Okay? Everyone down? Everyone?
(43:34):
Everyone shut? He has a gun in each hand. Everybody
all right, shut up? Shut okay, you guys together. He
must be half off pus. Okay, listen up, listen up. Okay.
I don't know what I did this in ball days?
Why did I do this? I was just supposed to
go out. I was just supposed to be out in
the town. But I hadn't popp into this guy damn seminar.
(43:56):
And to pop into this seminar and just see what
it was like. Now I am at the edge, man,
I am at the edge, and if anything's gonna push
me over, it's gonna be do you hear me? Man?
I do alright? Class why don't you come. We'll give
your name like doctor semi doc semioc's head. Kay, he's
(44:29):
got him by the net. Okay, y'all see this right, y'all. Okay,
I'll negotiate. I'll negotiate. Okay, let him go and take
my take me, take me. I've always I feel like
it's a good important to He's got both of you,
(44:50):
he's got all those times. Okay, let go at him. Okay,
let go with him. I'm there. Is this because I
asked if you had ever been a hostess before, and
now you're trying to be boys. Guy sucks. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
sir doctors, were you just were you just casually staying
(45:11):
at this double tree and you walked by and saw
that there was a seminar occurring in this ballroom? Is
that how this happened? Okay, okay, okay, So maybe maybe
maybe you're supposed to be here, you know, you know,
maybe maybe this is a good thing, a positive thing.
That's right, that's right, that's right. I'm going to open
this chess o. I'm not someone else, someone else, some else.
(45:35):
I'm going to I'll try hi. Um, sir, doctor, are
you a real doctor. Okay, I'm sorry, I just I
see that you just killed our teacher. You ripped over chess.
It was really good. You did a really good job.
You should be really proud of yourself and maybe you
(45:58):
can walk away here. I'm like on a high note,
you know what I mean, Like, you did a good job.
You you ripped open a chest and now you are
these for everyone? Or no, well they're technically for the
people that are signed up my eyes. Director, we have
(46:18):
a situation going at the Double Trees ballroom. Looks like
there's a hostage situation going on right now? What? What? What? What? Look?
I I'm the head of Double Tree. Yes, sir, so
you are. I mean, we need to wake your ass up. Okay,
we need to get down there right now. I'm how
(46:38):
do we have a hostage situation? Oh, I'm so sorry.
We have a no room in waking up situation. I
didn't mean to let him in the house. He just
barged in, dude, So I'm super sorry about this. I
am super groggy right now. So we need you down there. Okay,
get out of my face, all right. Look do you
want a warm chocolate chip cookie? Yes? Okay, Well, there
(47:01):
you go have a warm chocolate chuck cookie. Thank you.
That's why we do it, Double Tree. When people check in,
we give them warm chocolate chip cookies. So that's what
separates us from other chain hotels. Certain we need you
down there right now. Why do I have to be
there because you're the director Double Tree? Do you have
a responsibility to the shareholders as well as the individual
who are staying. Okay, you don't need to articulate that much.
(47:23):
I'm getting what you're saying. Okay, okay, okay, alright, alright
take me there. Okay, so we have a ferry taking
us over the ferry. Come on, everybody, we need to
work a little harder to get these Double Tree chocolate
chip cookies made to get him out the tree. Yeah, everybody,
please get that double time triple time or whatever. It takes.
(47:47):
Chips and chips and chips. Oh my head, my hand
is tell me, first of all, we're any of the
keebler elves hurt in this in this situation. Okay, okay, okay,
(48:11):
but you are one of these. If you look over
to your left, you'll see an actual whale has decided
to say hi to was today. Wow, that is it?
Was worth at checking the ferry. I'll tell you that much. Okay. Doctor, Okay, doctor,
(48:33):
you've made your point. You've made your point. You made
your point. Do you see why it's so important to
rotate your tires? Get it? Get it? Can I ask
you one? Just one question? Just one question? What do
you want? Was that? What want? Was that? Was? God?
(48:53):
That was good? That wasn't want? Yeah, that's a good question. Okay.
I just wanted to talk to my dad one more time.
Is he dead or alive? What a question I ask?
That's crazy? Okay, So why what? What are you gonna
ask next? Colorous hair? What is that to do with anything?
(49:14):
I'm not going to ask what color is your hair?
I can't solve it's red or bl Obviously he's a
redhead for sure. Oh God, Danny, Danny, you're the only
one that hasn't tried anything in this whole fucking class. Dude. Ah, look, uh,
(49:40):
what do you want? Pal? What what? I'm not talking
to you, I'm talking to this guy. I want you want.
I want to talk to my dad, I guess like him.
Were you asking me? I'm getting out, I'm getting the
funk out of here. No, no, okay, doctor, doctor, It's
(50:02):
just you and me, just you and me. I also
want to talk to my dad. Do you know do
you know what my who my dad is or who
he was? Uh Pepsi? Yes, exactly, exactly, so was my dad.
But your dad was also the head of Pepsi and
(50:23):
my dad is the CEO of Double Tree. Oh okay, alright, alright,
I'm here, I'm the director of Double Tree. What's what's
going on? We've all, many of us have been hurting. Alright,
I've already heard from the fucking else. Well, there were
(50:45):
two of us that got killed. You could be a
little nicer, Okay. I keep hearing that all the elves died,
and then I'm seeing tons of elves telling you we
produce extremely thickly. Okay, look, I I hope this doesn't
sound harsh. I feel like we still have way too
many else so we need the moves, sir, her we
(51:06):
have to deal with the hostage. Where is the ballroom?
Where is the ballroom? Take me there? Okay, We're gonna
have to climb a lot of stairs or stairs. Who
designed this fucking hotel? You did? Sir? Oh no, this
is taking me back to my PEPSI days. I mean, dr,
you know, what would you say to your dad if
(51:26):
you were here? I tell you, why, why do you
have these two arms attached to me? That's a good question.
That's a good question. I asked my dad. I asked
my dad. You know, I don't know, sir, if we
could just ask a couple of questions to follow up
on your application. It seems you're taking matters into your
(51:48):
own hands and and and requesting to add two arms
to your son. Is that right? Okay? Um, I'm not saying, well,
that's something we don't do here. I don't know what
you've heard. It's possible that we could. Look. I know
you do. I know you do it. I know you
have to keep the building. I know you've done it
(52:09):
in the palace. Okay, So I'm a I'm an executive
the second biggest COLA company in this country. Uh, and
I'm I'm soon about to transfer to design hotels for
Double Tree. Know your resume speaks for itself, which is
the reason we're having this conversation now. Money is no object.
That is my last Can I get you a water? Yes,
(52:31):
that's a good question, cir Can we get your water? Uh?
What type of water, any kind of water I have.
I have a funnel on my legs. I can suck
up any water I want. Jesus, what kind of freaks
are you're designing here? Well, sir, you've come to the
right place, and there's a reason. The place it's called
Drinks so and not Geeks that's down the street right.
(52:56):
I went to Geeks first. That was a necessarily. So
you want to add two arms to your son? Okay, yes,
he's he's eight. Now will the arms grow over? Actually?
My question next to follow up question is do you
want the arms above the existing arms or below them?
It doesn't matter. It matter to me. I'm going to
be doing the surgery, so I just need to know
(53:18):
where you want them. Well, I think above then they'd
be coming out of the shoulders. Right below it feels
like a blow would be coming more from the waist,
and it feels like there's a little more room to
put two arms there. But you're you're you're the freak doctor.
I mean, dr do you have do you have a
(53:41):
best friend? Do you have a best friend? I do?
How do you have a hush friend? Me too? It's
yours imaginary too. No, he's uh no, but there's nothing
wrong with that. That's nothing wrong with that, wrong with that. Okay, okay,
you don't need to point you don't need to point
(54:01):
all four guns at me. I'm your friend, I'm okay, okay,
I'm the director of this hotel. What's going on here?
Daddad son son Dad that son son Dad son Dad,
son son son Dad. They really made those arms coming
(54:23):
out of the shoulders, didn't they just like I asked
them not to do. Well, you didn't want to see
the surgery after it was dead. Huh No, I don't
want to see you because you became a freak. But
you made me a free I did and I'm responsible
for that. And you made me a geek. Dad, you
made me a geek. Well that's what I have, that
(54:44):
a freak and a geek. And that's our show for today.
Damn Nation. Let's thank all of our alchemists today for
Johnny the Festivity, starting with Mr Chris Ovada. Chris, thank
you very much, thank you. I just love you, guy
is I love playing with everybody. Queen, thank you for that.
(55:05):
Caroline Cotter, speaking of Queen's yep, thank you. Takes the
queen to know a queen happy to be here. Any
locations are projects you'd like to share with folks. Locations Yeah,
where they can stop buying, bring your or toast. Yeah,
I guess so. I love like right outside Silver Lake.
(55:28):
I guess so, Bronze Lake. Um, no, it's called Virgil Village.
Was that a joke? Yeah, that's what I do, Virgil
Village though the address is two Samith Is that right? Yep,
that's are exactly it. If anything, you want to send
(55:51):
their folks now you know where Craig Atkowski, thank you
so very much. My pleasure. Just the one location right now,
but hoping to expand. Excellent. Uh, Joey, great, thank you
very much for being here. Pal, good to be here.
I am looking for a place, so yeah. Well, yes,
(56:11):
I've been asked to leave the partment I'm in right now.
At least they're kind of enough to ask you. That's
an improvement. James E. I'm doing great. The only problem
I've been having, and I'm so grateful to be here,
but it's just that I don't have any reviews to read,
and I don't know what to do with my time anymore.
So I just look the last one I got. This
(56:33):
is I busted out my old iPad to finally lead
this review. I've been listening since the beginning and every
now Tuesday there's a pest control job in San Diego.
I got my wife into it as well. It helps
me get through the tedious and demanding crawling inside above
under restaurants sprang blah blah. And it ends with something important.
It's question, Timmy, that's the that's the final thing, Timmy,
(56:54):
question mane. That's the final thing. It says, it's Mike
on the Triumph and I do appreciate that. I just
keep rereading that that that review. So folks, if you're
out there, please drive us more review so we can
help James not have to read the same review to
himself over and over again. If there's anything to wish,
thank you, and let's thank you engineer to the Stars
and superstar himself, Mr Doug Bam. Fine, folks that I
(57:18):
heart media from from from from right to the podcast.
Your name here at alcove me this dot com. I'm
Kevin Pollock. Thanking you so very much for joining us,
and please stay safe and super healthy out there until
next time. Yeah, bet a football of p
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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