August 3, 2021 • 60 mins
Aggressive apologizing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alcomy This. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Gavin Pollock. What's that in the evening?
Would be best if I had to guess, but I
haven't done some proper peeping tom. And then I don't know.
Maybe gosh, he's gotta be half a century. Yeah, I've
been a minute, but I digress. Let's meet a room
a shower in a particular orders. Say hello to Chris
(00:24):
Anthony Alvarado, not so crazy horse. Your thoughts on horseback riding? Funny?
I haven't been horseback riding in ten years, and I
went last last month. What me? My dad and my sister.
We went near Griffith Park. Um, I had the horse
that his name is Big John. He's the first horse
you see in the in the television show West World.
(00:47):
Um is that on his resume? Yeah? I wonder? And
then my sister said something like jokingly like does that
mean he'll help my brother get roles? And then we
laughed and laughed and running hurts hurt, hurt my crotch. Yeah,
I didn't feel that one with the animal. I felt
(01:07):
like she's in charge. Of course he is, but I
didn't feel like comfortable, and a couple of times I
did the and the on the side and he went
too fast for me. And uh so no, no, thank you.
I concur with you about all that. Don't look over there.
But someone invited Caroline Cotter, there's no you and farting.
How do you get started with the fancy ice skaty? Oh? Well, um,
(01:34):
you know, is it you asking me or like if
anybody wants to do it? No, how did you actually
get started? Oh? I don't know. I think I won't.
When I was really long, um, my mom like took
us to the ice rink, you know, uh, because we
were young. And then um, we had ice skates that
(01:55):
were like six sizes too big. We're so bad. We
just like kept eating ship and then someone was like, hey,
those those are bad. You're gonna like break your ankle.
And then I got a pair that fit, and then I,
um was I just I guess was good at it? Um.
So you know I poured a lot of my life
(02:16):
and time and effort into that, only to abandon it,
um years later, and I have nothing really to show
for it now. So yeah, so you started the way
every other child starts with shoes that don't fit and
eating lots of ship. But but there was a turning point. Yeah,
were you or someone said, no, no, you you you
(02:39):
could be doing circles, Yes, exactly, and then once you
move on to the circles, it's really hard to go
back from there. The next steps the Olympics, and that
was kind of what happened for me. Okay, so thank
you for sharing that, and now please welcome back Craig
Atkowski with his summer Hammock reading review account. Kevin, I'm
(02:59):
in the hammock for now and my um my ass
is just pouring out of it in those little ropey
holes at the bottom of the hammock. Um, there's a
dead bird nearby. Uh, my dog is out with me.
He's eating goose poop. Eating goose poop. It's a solid
(03:24):
source of of protein. I have my book here, Uh,
just not able to crack it open quite yet. It
was lots a lot of fucking distractions. Here at the
hammock is comfortable and I'm falling asleep. I am falling asleep.
Oh that's so perfect like out It's James Ceeney, Papa
(03:46):
do preach? Were you ever hired to babysit. I babysat
my cousins for years. I lived across the street from
two cousins and two doors down from two other cousins.
So I was like I had a racket going with
my family. Uh, and they loved me as a babysitter.
(04:08):
I was like like when there there was one time
where my aunt was like sick, not going to work,
and they literally started bawling like, oh, James is supposed
to baby, said us. So she had me come over
even though she was staying home, and my baby sat
kind of a pro at it nice and impressed. And last,
(04:30):
but no more fried bologney. If you think at least
it's Joey Greer dental, damn your last trip to the
dentists and what were her or his findings. I do
want to make a note on no more fried Bologny
to anybody just in general. There has been a massive
recall on fried bologny. So be very bologney itself. But
(04:53):
once it's fried, once it's fried, there's been a recall.
I say so, uh yeah, I think at the n
s A. But you just be very very careful with
fried bologney. Uh, you know, in general, I know it's
a fair season is coming up. Uh, and it's gonna
be a lot of fried Bologny stands, Frida Bologne rides.
(05:14):
Just be very very mindful because that that can seep
into the skin. What what was the question was the
is that all of our James, this is serious. People
are gonna get sick. Yeah. Also, I just got through
an hour long harassment fucking seminar from for for for Disney,
(05:35):
so I don't feel safe, James, Thank you. Sorry. All
of our scene suggestions you got from your listener emails
or or a patron v I p s. To become
a Patron's part of the show and in joe exclusive
content and other perks like video of Joey, just head
on over to patron dot com slash alchemy. This is
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast our newish email address, Alchemy.
(05:58):
This email at email dot com. That's seen one in
fact come from patron v I p J who wrote, Hey, there,
I was just listening to the rogue meatball thrower terrorizes
college campus, and ever the pedant Craig Atkowski happened to
(06:20):
misuse a word that is the precise response. I would
have bet the house on he referred to an acronym
when what he should have said was initialism. An acronym
(06:40):
is something you can say as a word, whereas the
NBC k W w C, the National Association of College
Kids who Write Papers is sounded out letter by letter.
As a non elitist, I suppose a descriptive, descriptive ist
approach to language and clear really, Mr Karkowski is a
(07:02):
pre scriptivist, Craig. If you want everyone to speak like you,
you better learn the damn language yourself. Completely unrelated. Let's
hear first, Craig response, what was the initialism that we
created the Natural Association of College Kids who Write papers?
(07:24):
Or the yeah in A in A C k w
w P. So the knack whip There is an acronym
there it is. And that's where I went wrong and
not saying knack whip, because that is clearly an acronym. Craig,
(07:47):
Colm down, come down, come if I know what an
initialism is, and I would have said initial if that's
what I meant, James, we got to edit this out.
This is I'm with you, dude, And now he has
seen suggested Jake suggested aggressive apologizing regards. Man of the people,
(08:08):
Jake Birch Uh, Lynn, do you want to send in
the next applicant place? Of course? Um up? Next we
have Peter Jake. I don't need last names. I'm better
off with don't forget what I said with Peter. Peter
you can, Peter, you can come in. Peter, Hey, have
(08:28):
a seat, thank you. Uh well, let's just start with
this office. Is this is this real wood? No? No,
it isn't, but thank you for thinking it is. I
appreciate that looks real. It looks like that kind of
really deep, dark expensive wood. What's it called the Oh?
(08:51):
It looks like real stuff? Is this fake? Have you
done some woodwork in your past? No? But I've seen
would work? I see. So it's so cute. Is your
understanding of would work that you you were not kind
enough to compliment? I'm sorry? Did you just call me cute?
I might have? Okay, Well, I don't know if I
(09:12):
feel comfortable with this, with this interview for the job
you might have. I don't want to be hired here
because I'm cute, Okay, I want to be hired here
based on here's here's my resume? Oh, let me take
a look at this here. I want to be hired
on those skills, Peter, Can I start by saying that
your resume is very cute? Oh my god, are you serious?
(09:33):
Do I like your resume? Yes? Oh my god. I
am so sorry for spilling that coffee on your shirt.
I I didn't mean that. Do you want to take
my shirt? I mean it's the same interview, right, you're
going before me used that shirt and then well you
we can swap out. I am so so sorry that.
I mean it was a cafe latte. There's a little milk, right,
It's all right, It's all right. I'm fine, I'm fine.
(09:53):
I am so so sorry, So just stop it. I
just want to concentrate on the task. Canna end and
prepare for the interview. Okay, all right, it's not a
big deal. Do you want cash? Do you want money?
Do you want money? Here? Here? I think this stain
will get out. It's gonna be alright. Take the keys
to my house, all right? Take the keys to my house?
(10:13):
Will I do with those? I didn't want him with
the keys to her house. I'm pretty sure I live
in a better place than you live. I almost guarantee it.
Just take the house, please, I don't want I know,
I don't want your house. Please. I'm sorry. I well,
I don't know. I don't know who's next, but I'm
not taking this job. I'm out of here, and you
guys will hear from my lawyer. Guys. Whoa. Okay, so
(10:35):
he didn't get the job. I guess not. I was
gonna say, you two need to keep it down, but
it doesn't actually matter since that man just stormed out.
So um would do either of you have a preference?
I have um Daniel next on the list, but I
see you just got that stained shirt, so I don't
know if you want to go instead. That's my fault.
(10:55):
I did that. Did that? Now I'm fine. I can
go in. Okay, great, so you can follow me, sir.
We have Daniel Jones frank Lynn. Uh just the first
name Lynn is what? I you know what? I thought
you said the opposite? So sorry about that. So he's
coming in. Yeah, Hi, Daniel Jones Franklin, the fourth Daniel. Pleasure,
(11:19):
have a seat. I don't even know Lynn's last name.
That's so strict I am with this stuff. Yeah, she
worked for you for a while, eleven years yeah, she's
the best. Sorry about this. By the way, some some
douche bag in the lobby spilled a spilled a lukewarm
coffee on me before I went in, and nothing worse
(11:43):
the lukewarm coffee. Well it's it's better if you're gonna
get it spilled on you than than scalding hot. That's
very quick comeback. That'll come in handy should you get
this job. Can can you close the door? Sorry, he's
at the bottom screaming through the bottom crack of the door.
(12:04):
That's why you're going to be hearing him. So about that,
I did. I did the silly lynn. Can you just
kind of step on his face a little bit? Soa
all that worked? Uh? Daniel? Uh, first of all, before
we get started, I wanted to say that that Harold says, hello,
(12:25):
Oh okay, that's good to know. Yeah, so I'm recently,
did you? Yeah, and I hope we're talking about the
same Harold, because you don't like last names. I don't okay, Uh, yeah, yeah,
I did see him recently. Uh you know, he got
me this interview, hooked me up with you. Oh oh
(12:45):
you're that Daniel? Yes, Oh okay, I don't even know
if I need to look at your resume. Harold would
this this is a mere formality, right, absolutely, Harold would
not shut the funk up about you. We're talking about
the same Harold, right. I hope so, because the one
I spoke to could not have been a bigger way.
He's the one who looked me up with this interview.
Was like, it's the same one. Let's say his last
(13:06):
name at the same time together, just one to three Peter.
Oh no, no, this was a different guy. I just
wanted to be certain. I'm so sorry I spilled my
coffee on a guy. That's a long sort. Can I
get a refill? I'm sorry to ask. I'm sorry to ask.
(13:29):
I gave him my money. What's the question? The uh?
Can I get a refill of the cafe latte? Just
a little bit of milk in there? I'm so sorry
I spilled it on a on a guy with a
job interview. There was a shirt of I don't know
if the milk is gonna stay more or not. Give
him some money. I I'm just so I'm also I'm
(13:51):
so sorry to My name is lender. Lender. This is
an interesting scenario, interesting predicament. I should say because I
have been a customer a customer in my life. I've
been a customer before. I've been on your side of
the counter, I should say. I'm like, I remember, like
(14:13):
at some point in my life I certainly spilled something
and then expected a free refill. But where's the logic
in that? Lender? Right? I am so sorry to even
where's the no? Just tell me where the logic is.
I did not mean to bring up this existential crisis.
You so you I made you a latte and then
(14:35):
you spilled it. Come down and now I owe you that.
I'm sorry. Tell me where the logic is? Lender. I'm sorry, Lender.
Today is my last day at this coffee shop. So
I'm really some answers. Are you dying? For some answers?
We're all kind of dying, right, I'm sorry to bring
that up. Lender came here. Actually, I don't take my
(14:57):
apron off. Lender. Hey, everybody, we listen up, please, Okay,
have your attention. What's happening? Man? You can't all right?
Let's get her out. Okay, she's gonna be you buddy. Now,
Lenders filled his coffee and wants me to give him
a free refill. Please raise your hand if you think
(15:19):
I should give him that free refill, I think you should. Okay, yeah, wait,
what what's fair about that? Well? Probably if there was
a better handle, maybe he wouldn't spilled it. What's your name?
What's your name? Ryan? Ryan? Fuck you dude? Oh that's
(15:39):
uncalled for. I don't care. Okay, okay, So Lendard, you
got one? How about you, sir? Yeah? I just think
it was an accident, and the company policy should be oopsie.
So when you make a mistake, we we pay for it.
That should be the policy. Fuck off, Greg today today?
(16:01):
What was your last day? You come here? Thanks for
cassing my shoulder, shoulder, you're beautiful baby, Thank you. We're
gonna have a guest for over for dinner, by the way,
on our anniversary. Yeah, I just figured okay, yeah, no,
(16:29):
I can order more Chick fil a U. What did
you do today? You run a marathon or something? Training?
But I gave up? Um, I hit a wall. Thanks
this little sunscreen on my shoulders still, so just be careful.
(16:49):
So the gentleman who's coming over, his name is Lender.
So if you want to make a place car for
him or something, place cards, sure, Yeah, let me just
make a little construction paper place cards feeling. Are you
filling this baby a little bit? We have that that
that runners high. I have a runner's break. I think
(17:11):
it's when you p and poo yourself and your nipples
bleed like a runner's break. It's not I'm not in
that face with a running experience. Okay, UM, do you
mind if we sit down for a second. Sure, I'm
gonna spin. I'm gonna spin, and then I'll see why that.
I know you said you wanted to get out of
(17:34):
the coffee business, but um, I just got our mortgage
papers back in the bank says they're going to increase
it by and I need you to get back into
the coffee business just for a little bit longer so
we can pay off this mortgage. And then of course
we can start our own hat business where we can
(17:54):
live our dreams, where we just make hats, hats for animals.
I told your father I would it always take care
of you and do my best and if if this
is what's required to me, this is what's required to me,
let me, uh we call the shop real quick and
see if I can get my job back. I don't
know because I stormed. I kind of did a big
(18:16):
thing on the way out. Hey, Steve, sorry for just
barge into your office like this. I I came across
this memo you put out saying that we should feel
free to contact all of our lenders and increase their
mortgages by and I just want to say, hats off
to you. You think we can actually accomplish this, well,
(18:38):
I think that if we get forty percent of the
people to spend an extra six I'm not expecting a
hundred percent of these people to do it, but if
even some, we even some, imagine the kind of money
that will start trickling in of h percent of the
time they allow a sixty increase, we're we're high in
cotton as the now. You're talking my kind of math, Rob,
(19:02):
that's my kind of math. Yeah. Well, let me just
put this out there. If I could pack your ship
and be out by noon, you're you're fired. That's right. Boo. Yep, Steve,
I was work. Huh uh shuh. You know, sometimes you
(19:23):
get too big for your company and you gotta find
a new place to be a banker? What did you
get fired on our anniversary? Oh no, not an anniversary.
If I quit. I quit. I was like, don't quit. Oh,
you betterfied something right now. Hey Hey, hey mom, dad,
(19:47):
you forgot to kiss me good night. Oh I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. Not on the lips with don UM. I worked.
I worked next door at the coffee shop, and I
see that you guys are hiring here. I thought maybe
I could swing in for a quick It's kind of
(20:09):
the interviews, UM, you need to be referred on a
first name basis. So I we just concluded our interviews yesterday.
But the good news is UM, absolutely no one was hired.
In fact, we accidentally did end up sending a man
to a hospital for UM. He choked. I said that
(20:31):
the space UM. Anyway, if you happen to have any
sort of like resume or something, I could see if
I could sneak you in UM today. So you asked,
so just to be clear, Just to be clear, So
we're on the same page. You came to me to
this office. You are asking for a job with absolutely
no resume or anything like that. Yeah, do you have
(20:55):
like a LinkedIn link that I could pull up and
print out? You know, I never, I don't like social never. Look,
so what is your plan? Do you want to tell
what the fun your plan is? Yeah? I thought if
I asked nicely, that you give me a job and
I can make some money and then I can pay
my mortgage off. Did you get the six increase to
did you? Yeah? Of course. Sorry, it just feels like
you wouldn't be at homeowner Daniel Frankly Jones the fourth.
(21:18):
I thought, why are you playing? I didn't work out?
Did you? Did you job? My name? Harold? I dropped
your name, but you were the wrong Harold. He was
thinking of another herold entirely. I don't know because I
was talking at the same time. He said the other Harold.
It wasn't the same, it was that same one. He
(21:41):
did not look like a mortgage holder. Scene two comes
to Sam Matthew, who wrote, Hello Kevin and Company. I
will keep my praise brief and that that's the end
of his praise. Scene suggestion sandwiches you are every in
If you're ever in Vegas Anita hook up, please let
(22:03):
me know. Jesus, don't put that out there for everyone.
Hi is this a Is this a sandwich place? Yeah?
It's problem. Um no, no, there's no problem at all.
I was told that you would make amazing sandwiches. Here,
we make sandwiches. Yeah, so wait, did you just I
(22:27):
said sandwich? Right? Is he looking for a hook up
with a sandwich? He asked for a sandwich like this guy,
sandwich sandwich? I could frame a photo. I want a sandwich.
And now that I'm looking around, I I don't see
any meats, breads, or cheeses here. I just see you
want meats on your sandwich. I am a carnivore. I'll
(22:50):
occasionally enjoy vegetarians sandwich. But but yeah, I just see
one solitary desk here in this room. So I don't
really know why someone sent me here. May because they
want you to become a super villain named doctor Observo
what I think he's a cop? I think he's a cop.
(23:13):
I'm not a cop. I'm not a cop. And I
what do you don't? I don't have to tell you
even if I was. What do you do for a living?
It's smart? It's smart you give to improvise? Or e's
a cop? What do I do for a living? Sign
when they repeat the question back to your buying Okay,
listen to me, Listen to me. Say that you are
(23:34):
an engineer so you're an engineer. I'm an engineer. Why
do you have an earpiece? Like a true, true sort
of engineer. Oh no, say you're say you're an artist.
You do like fingerpaint? Don't do no, don't don't, don't
don't say that. Let me answer your question first. I
have the earpiece because trains are leaving all the time
(23:58):
and I just need to be in contact with with
Central station. Kinger painting the trains. Don't make that. Artists fun,
artist fun? Shut up? Shut up? Which one telling us
to shut up? No? No, no, not you. I'm saying
this to myself because sometimes I overtalk when i'm when
I'm nervous. So nope, not a cop. I'm an engineer,
(24:19):
the train kind and communicating currently with with Central station.
Aliens say aliens, aliens, aliens? Why just say aliens? No, no, no,
I'm not saying that your aliens. He I'll be honest
with you. He gets it a lot, really Yeah. Yeah,
(24:42):
you should see when he's eating. Oh man, you swear
he's from another planet that's going to keep going. Don't forget.
The safe word is banana pepper. The safe word is
so if you were to get a sandwich. What would
you want on you a sandwich? Oh so you are
saying sandwich? Now, well, I'm trying to communicate to you.
We make sandwiches. But if you were to get a sandwich,
(25:04):
what would you like on it? Just say sandwich? I
mean I might be annunciating. Okay, bring us bring up
the movie Stargate. Kurt Russell. Remember Stargate? How's that good? Hell? Well,
the Aliens? The alien? Bring up Stargate, asking if you've
seen it? Seen uh Stargate the movie with no, no, no,
(25:26):
not the TV show, the movie with Kurt Russell, and
then the guy from uh everybody crying game. Sorry, look,
I can't do it with this guy in the vein anymore. Okay,
I know you should. He's my nephew. He's beautiful. Yeah,
he's gorgeous, but he's got the weirdest ideas. He's gonna
blow the cover. I mean, people's lives are on the
(25:47):
line here, weird ideas. He thinks outside of the box.
He gotta undergraduate degree in studio art. Let him be himself.
Do I need to remind you what my degree is?
In creative nonfiction. That means that make up stuff pretty
like creatively, but it's also pretty real. Okay, well, look,
(26:08):
I don't give a ship what you majored in. I
regret bringing up his major because I don't want to
learn anything new about you. Um, but just just deal
with him, okay, just he's a he's a good, beautiful boy.
Can you call him in? Can we talk about this
with you? Fine? In? Yeah, you gotta come in the room, Todd.
(26:31):
You can't scream from the next rooms. Why I yelled
your name? What coming the room, Dodd? What's going on?
So your partners being a little bit she has a
problem with you? So well, anything it would have banana
peppers on it. I just feel like the way then
(26:56):
let me take these headphones off. Banana peppers. Jesus Jesus,
we we we don't make sandwiches. We make sandwiches, banana peppers, peppers.
You seem pretty adamant about your banana pepper. Banana peppers,
banana peppers. Oh, it's just gun. It's guys. Look, the
(27:20):
most important thing is that we cracked this case of
the sandwich boys. Okay, and uh, I don't really have
time for your in fighting for your for your had
a great job. You're beautiful you've won awards for being
so beautiful and now this guy is being difficult, So
what you just maybe go along with it? Maybe his
(27:42):
untraditional strategies could work. Okay, okay, okay, thanks urge, thanks
for hearing me out. You're welcome back into it, all right,
So you just want to jump back in as if
you just didn't have to try to get me this
barred that wasn't Maybe it'd be easy to remember what
you do if you're tied to it. How do you
feel now, is it easier to talk tied to a chair?
(28:03):
I think it's not easier to talk tied to a chair.
Why would you think that? Because you weren't telling us
what we asked over and over. So let's try it
again now that you have less distractions. Why did you
keep yelling, yelling banana pepper because that's what I want
on my sandwich? Sandwich? Uh huh? So so you're comfortable
(28:25):
now saying sandwich? Yes, yes, I'll I'll be back in
a second. Thanks, Tommy. We're gonna do with the players. Well,
he's not going to apply banana peppers, that's for sure.
One at a time. God, I'm a trade engineer. Okay,
(28:51):
so if the next stop we're Louisville, how would you
say that as an engineer? Because Todd, what I'm saying is,
I will try to pick up on what direction you're going.
I get, I get what. I get what you're saying.
I get keep saying that part, but I feel like
you don't. I get it. I get it. Sorry, can
you guys do this out of my office? You have
your own cubicle. Just please just get out of here.
(29:19):
I cannot hear you with this guy screaming in my
goddamn here. So maybe the problem is we're all in
different cubicles instead of everyone in the office being in
your office. Now, that's an idea. I like that quite
a lot. Everyone get into my office. I got a
(29:41):
cubicle over here. Is that coldbrew? A full tank? Oh?
I would't stop talking when we got in here, changing changing? Hey? Then, Hey,
(30:01):
how are you doing? Hi? I am starving great to
come to the right place. What can we get you?
I'll take um fried baloney sandwich, place five Bloni sandwich.
You get some kitchup on your face, you might want
(30:22):
to clean to kitchup of your feace. Okay, first of all,
watch your fucking tone. Would you like anything with that? Sir?
I'm a woman, but thank you. Anything on the side, miss,
with your sandwich? I see you, We both we got
headqulled just going around. Oh did you want to do? You?
(30:45):
Please just spell out with you what are they trying
to do? Maybe I'll be interested? Who knows? This is Vegas?
What happens in Vegas? You know? Yeah? I'm asking you
if you want anything with your sandwich, miss, That's all
I'm asking. Oh, no, thank you? So no cocaine on
your sand Oh cocaine is an option? Yes, please? Okay,
how much would you like one ball? Please? April? A ball? Aprill? Daniel, Baby,
(31:10):
I'm sorry. I didn't know that that was gonna happen
to you. Didn't know your fingernails are gonna get pulled out? Alright,
but I mean you got the job right, you're an
informant for a minute. Yeah, that's good, Harold. I don't
know why you set me there. I do. I don't
want the job. You don't want the job. No, as now,
you don't want a job. You've got two fingernails, now,
(31:33):
you know. I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry they missed somehow
the biggest biggest finger you got. I don't know. They
didn't see the thubs, Daniel. Get him to say, more information, Harold,
can you give me more information about what? General? General information?
(31:54):
Just just generally, just generally, just give me more information.
Let's see own pillows or goose feathers. I don't know
if you do, come, come what else? What else? Um?
Does he have any hobbies? What kind of hobbies do
you have, Harold? Hobbies? Selling guns, murders selling Tell me more,
(32:15):
tell me more about the selling guns? Well? Actually, did
you say murderers? B Yeah, it's my hobbies. Hobbies. See
what else? How do I get started? Tell you want
to take this one over? You know, I just want
to say, honestly, I am so sorry for rejecting the
ways I did before. Dude, you know what, I'm like
(32:38):
old school and maybe I need a little freshening up
every now and then a little whimsy whafn't you? Yeah,
I'm sorry for for closing a door on your ideas. No,
it's totally fine. I I get that, you know what
I mean. That's just how that's just how it is.
You want to see all this jage s works, piece
(33:00):
of shipow Spanna Peppers Band Peppers. Slow it up. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, I get it. Come on, why because I
have some freak genetics? Keep bones are right next to
my eyebrows. Yeah, that's just easy on. That's no one's fault.
(33:23):
I'm a freak, if anything. Yeah, I guess we're all
kind of freaks are when you're beautiful, Thanks, freak. I
wanna take your rooms out, one by one, Harold, No,
not a scene too scene too for you. Scene three
(33:46):
comes from some patron v I P. Cory Booth who
wrote Mr KP the Dispatch Center for the help. I've
fallen and I can't get up service. Keep up the hilarity, alright,
So what you'll do is when phone calls come in, uh,
you read off the sheet that we've supplied you with
(34:08):
all the things you need to say to whoever's calling
in or right there on that sheet. That makes sense.
I guess. My thing that just kind of freaks me
out is like, what if someone calls with a situation
that is out of the ordinary, you know what I mean,
when I still stick to the script or in that case,
would I be allowed to kind of like respond to
them in a like real way. You know what I'm saying.
(34:33):
I know what you're saying, and I have answers along
with some questions. Okay, if you were to qualify freaked out,
why don't you go ahead and get that. Let's just
jump right okay, okay, I'll read this from the scripting. Hi,
thank you for calling lifeline. Are you okay right now?
(34:53):
I'm not. I'm not sure. Can you? Did you try
standing up? No? Why don't you try standing up? Let
me know how that goes. I'm on the line. I'm up.
Thank you, You're welcome, have a great day, and don't
forget to stay on the line and answer the survey
as to how I did. Okay, I have a great lifeline. Hey, sure,
(35:17):
thank you for calling lifeline. I just want to answer
these survey questions. They don't be able to hang up
the phone. All right. Oh I'm just a little tired
and had a spill. That's okay. Sure, Now you do
got to answer these survey questions. Okay, it's not an option.
I can you will? All right? You gotta answer the
survey questions, sir. Let me say, have a great lifeline. Okay,
So let's go right to it. Here, Sara how do
(35:39):
you like Lifeline? One out of ten tend being the worst,
one being okay, I five being the best, but three, Um,
we'll go fives all the way across. Can I hang up? Okay?
Next question? Sure? How do you hear about Lifeline? Was
it a pigeon that a little bird? Tell you? Is
(35:59):
that my only option? Yeah? Yes, okay, so it's either
one to ten, three? Three? Huh? Okay? Was that wrong? Oh? Hello?
(36:20):
Thank you for calling Lifeline? Are you okay? I know,
I don't know. I don't know. Can you stand up?
I'll try, I'll try. Oh I can't. I can't. I
fall in it. I can't stand up. Okay, please call
nine on one. We cannot help you have a great lifeline. Hi,
(36:41):
Sarah just said before, Oh I got a cold line.
Right before you do that, Sara, we're gonna be able
to do this survey. We patuating tone one one? All right, okay,
can we do a real quick of course we can. So. Uh,
how do you like Lifeline? What it was not what
I expected? All right? A score from one to ten,
(37:02):
one being the best, time being the worst, five being
also the best. But three? What's three? Okay? Three? Alright? No, no,
I wanted to know what three was? All right, sir?
How did you hear about lifeline? Was it a small alligator?
Not a baby alligator, but at a full grown alligator
that was shrunk down by god? No? No, no, it's
one to ten or one to ten zero okay, zero
(37:31):
one zero and a lot of paper. So if you're
wearing khakis. Oh boy, just got done listening to ALT
today's recordings. It's uh. We had some interesting calls today,
interesting calls today. You know, Carl, I can we can
talk openly here, right. We've worked together next together for
(37:54):
for months. It's interesting. This was one gentleman fell and
he said, I all in, let's see here our phone,
and I can't stand up. And I was thinking, you know,
he was so close to using the actual tagline, and
it's interesting how he just missed it. You know, well,
we we can't expect that these people who are suffering
(38:15):
are just going to automatically use our advertising copy. I
know it was close, there was one word off, but
I think it was just an organic thing that he
said while suffering. And I don't want to fault him
for that, but part of me does want I want
to punish him. Oh, okay, I see where you're going
with this. Hellier did you like would you like a
(38:36):
zero alcohol Budweiser? Okay, the less alcohol the better, all
the beer taste. All right, you got to solve all
the dispatchers here. What the hell you want to tell us?
All right? First of all, help yourself to any of
the n a beer I brought? Oh, duels, I haven't?
(39:02):
Oh yeah yeah, all right, not applicable. Do any non
alcoholic liquor? Yes, yes, I have um ninjin okay, and
I have uh nisky whiskey. Okay. Why didn't you tell
(39:26):
me a nisky whiskey? I would I would have God
for that first me too. I cracked up in this beard.
I don't want to finish it now it's leaving. It's
making my mouth tastes like bile. I know that's the
that's the thing about all duels. So look, look, look, dispatchers.
I was thinking, you know what if we started paying
these people our customers? You wants to pay them? Trying
(39:50):
to pour my thoughts here, wait, wait for the noun,
wait for the nown. It's also just funny because he
called this meeting for us. You may this come after
work throughout the home. So I would think you would
have something like fully formed and ready to say you
know what I mean? Yeah, you made me print out
everyone's a dress? Well what's going on? Yes? Thank you
so much, by the way. Okay, so let me look
(40:10):
through these real quick here. So I was thinking, you
know what if we got back on our customers? Is
that on the script? I thought were supposed to stick
to the script. So well, you're new, right, Yeah, how
can you tell because you're really good at your job.
(40:31):
Oh that's interesting, I've been here longer or worse at
their job. Yeah, that tends to be the way it goes. Funny.
It's usually opposite for mostly everything else, but not in here.
The longer you get here, you get more like you're
bored with it. Whatever I'm saying, why don't we shake
it up as right? Pay them a visit? Is that
(40:52):
where you're going with it? So you want us to
do like a safety check, a health check on them? Okay,
why don't I we you One quick line from a
transcript that happened this afternoon. I've fallen and I can't
stand up. Oh I think that was my call. It
was as a matter of fact that doesn't that piss
(41:13):
you off? That he fell, that he almost set our tagline,
thank you, thank you, you know what. Just give me,
just give me the beers, give me the give me
the nisky whiskey. Give me then, now you know what
this was the wrong I thought, I'm sorry. Give it
back to her. Many get off of me. Give the
(41:35):
beer back, man you want from me? And I felt,
oh my god, I got stabbed in the side. Oh
my god, it's a remarble. I felt it. I got
stabbed in the side. Keep going, keep going, from my league.
(41:57):
Can you rise? I don't know, I don't know the
world you want to take this script? I guess so.
But he has to call first call first when he's
tiling nine one, Oh, what's the what's the emergency? I fell?
(42:22):
And I got remark puging through my bleak. Okay, okay,
we don't want you to remove that remark. Keep it
in place. What's the location that you're at right now?
I'm at my friend Doll's house, I mean his gars.
You're gonna need to give me an address so I
can dispatch nine one one to you. This whole thing up,
(42:43):
I miss this whole thing up. Didn't I. I mean,
it seemed like when you were throwing it to me
at the call center, like it seemed like the right
thing to do. But it's gone so wrong so fast.
I'll just it all just started to like collapse, implode
and self. The idea wasn't good. The New Girls pissed
at me. Yeah no, I'm just spit bones. So you know,
(43:07):
it seems like there's lots of names out there for
other types of fake booze. I'm saying, let's try vod
can't vodka Okay, okay? Would you drink like a vodkn't
and o J? I mean I wouldn't because I like alcohol,
But I could imagine. I could imagine somebody that doesn't
(43:27):
drink alcohol having a vodkaan't and o ja. It would
be like a screw driver. That's right. You could call
it like a screwdriver. I mean that would be a
catchy name. Also, burb burb don't This seems like really
negative names for the goofy goofy. We need you out
(43:47):
on the floor. But what's happening? Yeah, yeah, sure, he's
got a punch in. I understand. Hey, let me run
these by you. That's some ideas for some non alcoholic
hooch that you want to sell here. But no, no, no,
like a company. I want to like a make a
non hooch lick a company. You know it's against Disney
(44:09):
policy to talk about non Disney things. Yes, yes I
do know that. But I thought I was safe back here.
And are you know what? Forgive me? You are safe,
you and we're good, Thanks very much. Give me one second.
What you're saying you're pressing on your ear. I'm sorry.
The anthropomorphic dog that's been running around here, they just
(44:29):
piste on my cubicle, all right, sonch him in the
throat or what's going on? Because it's the second time
he's done it. Why would you punch him in the throat? Well,
I pee on my cubicle, all right. Someone just seems
like it's not a problem. But we gotta try train
an animal before because don't pee punch throat is not
a real cousins? Why I'm here asking because I'm like,
(44:51):
is it a dog? Is it a man? What's position here?
Cast member? What's my position? Again? If you're repeating the question,
it seems like you're buying time. Well I am a
little bit okay because my title keeps changed. But right now,
I'm in little New York, all right, and I'm a
Bagels sales guy. It's supposed to harass pastor by. That's
(45:12):
that's good. This is good. Gets get some more information
out of it. So you're working, You're working in little
New York, New York. So well give me give me
one second. Did you hear that? Because I thought I
was the one who was working here in different Yeah, surecity.
(45:33):
Yeah yeah, what I'm just asking questions? Man? Oh yeah,
me too, So yeah, back to it. Uh, okay, guys,
you I'm I'm in both your ears. You're both working
for me. You're both doing great. Just get some more information.
We're covering our bases. We're covering our bases. Yeah, we
all go. Shouldn't know where Tommy? All right? What I
(45:53):
didn't know that? Okay, now you do straighten up and
fly right and get this guy's problem out of my face.
What's it's going to you? Guys talking to somebody else.
I'm talking to each other. Okay, were you remember the
safe word is Disney Disney. I said that earlier. Nothing
I happened. Well, I wipe the old one clean. That's
(46:15):
a new one. What do you mean what are you
talking about? I said to you earlier, you know, get
on my face and nothing happened. Yeah, don't punch an
anamorphic dog in the throat. That's that's why I came
to you guys. All right, I said, what am I
supposed to do? I'm coming to my managers right now?
I asked, what's your name again? Lou? Okay, Lou, first
(46:36):
of all, supposed to not a word. It's my it's
my character affectation. Okay, I'm supposed to use I'm supposed
to be talking like that the whole time. All right, Hey, yeah, welcome.
It takes so nice to have you. You're so close
to playing Loki. What a what a bitch? That is?
Huh didn't what did they say? Didn't have the face for? Okay,
(46:58):
we don't. We don't know anything on this guy. This guy's,
this guy's he's just playing a character again. Okay, Yes,
it's the actual Goofy. The actual Goofy is for some
reason at the park. Uh, this is this is the
guy that we need. Okay, Oh, just left something in
my looker. Okay, Oh, we're just talking about a party
(47:21):
later on, Like the party goofy oh, I like sandwiches. Yeah,
now we're talking. What did he say? Wait? What did
you say? What did I say? Yeah? You like what
you said? You like something? What? What? What do you like?
Should I like sandwiches? Okay, no, that not that that
(47:44):
checks out. That's fine. Okay. What about like a nice cigarette? Yeah? Yeah, cool?
What kind of cigarettes? Booze? Drugs? Sandwiches? Where do you
want to go? First? You want to go to Magic Mountain?
Do you want to go to um? Little New York?
Little New York? I want a little New York. That's
(48:04):
where I want to go. Please, let's go, let's go. Okay,
I'm running. I'm so excited down I can't okay, okay,
I'm walking here. Okay, they're doing it. They're they're interacting
with us, like where I'm here. I'm here, I'm a
seven woman. Forget about it. To play a little three
(48:31):
card Monty. Everybody wins. Yeah, look at my penis. Oh
my god, I think that was his real penis. It
looks so real like I would think they would do
like a pastic or something. Are you okay? So fast?
So fast there? So fast? Are you okay? Yeah? Okay,
(48:59):
I mean carry you. Oh my god, most like absolute
shit in here. Well, they don't pick up the garbage
until Thursday. Oh my head, Oh my god. Hey, either
of you want to pizza pie? Yes, we do. What
(49:21):
the kind of pizza pie you like? I guess your recommendation,
like whatever you think is the best as an authentic
New Yorker. Well, the mama's mama's sauce is good, grandma
sauce is good. And also, go fund yourself sauces. Favorite
yourself sauce, Go funk yourself sauce. Please, God, we just
(49:48):
about three or four minutes we have that up for
your kids. Is it just the sauce or is the pizza?
Go funk yourself? Is it just saucer pizza? What do
we order? What did I just say go fund yourself?
You said go fund yourself? So right? How much is that?
It's of seventy two dollars? Seventy dollars for sauce. Relax,
(50:10):
it's a saucer Pizza' not gonna be seventy two fucking
dollars two dollars. This is a fucking bullshit, all right, No,
this is a fucking bullshit. Now go go go. What's
going on here. There's no little New York you pieces
(50:35):
of ship. We put this whole attraction up just to
catch you too. That says more about you than it
does about us. This is a very like a multimillion
dollar overcompensate because I'm bed at my job and have
a little self worth. What about it? I mean there
was marketing done for years two d dollars each for
(50:58):
special access tickets. Yeah. Yeah, and we're taking you to jail.
But first I want you to take this brief survey
about your experience being being suspects. What you're gonna take
a brief survey? Okay, my lawyer for the surveyor do
you want a lawyer? Yeah, okay, we'll get your lawyer
(51:22):
for the survey. Well everybody else, Um, that's it's kind
of a rap um. Look, you've all been great. Um.
I don't know if you knew this coming into it
or not, but you're not official Disney cast members. So
you're gonna have to exit the premises. What do you mean,
my little baby? What are we're supposed to leave? Mama, please,
(51:49):
Mama please, I have to look on this, on this
what are we gonna do? I know some of you
have found love here and made families here. This took
longer than I thought and understand I made love and
found families, made love and found families. This has become,
you know, an important part of your lives, if not
all of your lives. But we're done. We caught the
(52:12):
bad guys. You can go now. You can go now.
And sorry, just to be clear, he said we could
get our lawyer. So we are actually from Washington State,
so it's going to take him quite a while to
get Washington State. Are we just gonna wait for him
(52:32):
to fly drive? I don't know. Yeah, we're gonna have
to wait till he gets here, so you can do
the service, I guess. If that's the case. If that's
the case, I can give you guys two fast passes
to California, adventure to the whole place. Yes, until your
lawyer gets here. What do you think? Can we discuss
(52:59):
it a moment? Okay, close your ears, everybody that's not us,
everybody close your ears, all little New York your ears
close them up. La la la la, la la la la.
What do you think should we take it? I don't know.
It just seems kind of it seems kind of insane.
(53:23):
They said they have nothing to do with Disney, and
again he's offering us two fast passes to the entire part.
I've never heard of that before, I know, but thinks
of it like this, think of it like we get
too fast passes to California. Telling me to think of
it like something. When you do that, it's a fucking
condescending you know, that's the same. You never think about it.
You never think about it all the whole way through.
(53:43):
You always have to run into situation. Okay, just because
I'm not a fucking mathematician like you are. I didn't
do my doctorate in quantum theory. Yes, okay, so you
know what I mean. So it just we can't have
a calm conversation about this because you're always getting on
my nerves because you always want you always want to
compare our intellects. It's okay, I don't It's okay, what
(54:06):
finished that you don't know quantum physics? And then what
means what? Which means that I'm a big fat, fucking
dumb piece of shops on the bottom a shoe? Bring,
bring your hand tie? Do you mind grabing it with
your feet? Bring? Bring? Bring? Okay, here it is bring. Oh, hello,
(54:29):
that's my lawyer. What's going on? Hey, earl? We need
your help? Oh I've fallen? Okay, you all right? I
don't know. I don't know what to call. You have Lifeline,
don't you? Yeah? I have that button. I have a
bracelet with the button on it. Should I press that?
You should press that? Earl? Okay, okay, you're gonna oh,
(54:52):
you're gonna hang up. Well, I can stand the line
until until Lifeline calls you. But I do need to
you got my text. My foot is getting tired. I
can't okay, what do you want? What do you want
me to do? Just just keep it up? Hello, Lifeline?
Can I help you? Oh? I fell down? You've you've done? What? Now?
(55:15):
I've fallen? Okay? And and I I can't do what
I fall I fall in. I can't. You can't what
I can't? I can't. I can't get up. Give me
(55:37):
another non applicable beer? He said, Larry said it. He
said it. He said it when you when you went
to go chu, I didn't. You're addicted to these not
applicable beers. You're addicted to the zero alcohol you got.
You got a problem. Well I didn't catch him the moment,
We're gonna have to do what we do, which is
(55:58):
at the end of the day we go back and
to the all the day that is our show for today,
Let's take all my oh my, James Eni, thank you
so much for being here, Brother Buzz, thanks for having me.
This was one hell of a lot of fun today.
I like the simple suggestions that we can go so
(56:19):
crazy with. Yeah, me too, And that's good to hear
because I've got nothing but simple ones for the next
three weeks. Um uh, where should folks uh follow or
look you up? Well, I guess you could just search
me on Google real James Heeney. There's probably other James
(56:39):
Senis that show up. You can see shame As Heeney.
But you'll know my face is I'm the one with
the with the must at. You'll know my face here
now you'll know my face shame As Heeny for the record,
But thank you great google me, Caroline Connor, thank you
so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
(57:01):
I want to tell people to not google me because
there's a very successful folk singer songwriter with the name
Caroline Cotter. So if you google me, you're going to
probably find her um, or you could just check her out.
Um We also kind of don't look different enough that
you wouldn't think we're each other. Do you have a
favorite of her songs? No, I've never listened to one,
(57:24):
But no I haven't one time. Someone sent me an
emailment for her. Maybe I'll listen this week, so follow
you know Caroline Cotter Music. If you go to Caroline
Cotter dot com. That's her website, so check it out.
Awesome Chris Alvarado, Oh, buddy, so happy to hear you're
feeling great. I'm feeling good. A couple of things. I
(57:44):
got a haircut and my hair is too short, so
that's unfortunate. I also have a similar thing. There is
a Christopardo who's a musician. I think his website is
Chris Abroado live or his Instagram with live, but I'll
get I get tagged in his like Christobardo is playing
on the patio of this restaurant all all the time.
That's why you gotta stick with Chris. Anthony Alvaro Yep, yep.
(58:05):
Much respect though to the musician Chris Alvarado, I wish
him the best. I hope he's doing well right on.
That's very sweet and supportive and wonderful. Craig Atkowski, Thank you, buddy,
thank you. I'm the one and only Craig Atkowski. But
that's because I changed my name for show business. My
given name, of course, was Neil Young. Thanks for being here,
(58:27):
Joey Griman, I'm a pleasure to be here. And there's
an artist his I don't know if his name is.
I don't know his real name, but like his handle
is I think gold Star Music or something some of
that effect. He kind of looks like me, and I
messaged him on Instagram. I was like, hey man, I
think we look alike. Do you need a stuntman for
(58:47):
any of your music videos? And that's all I sent
to him. Uh And he did not respond. Could he
tell you were pronouncing its stuntman? I don't know, just
wrote to him. Jamie and I were in a restaurant
the other day and a guy leans over and says, hey, sorry,
I just gotta say you're my show business look alike.
People tell me all the time. This guy was not
(59:09):
a tractory. On the way out, was like he had
a giant nose and he was like sixty pounds hoverything.
What is this why would you. So, I'm gonna say,
everyone out there be careful. Yeah yeah right, You could
really hurt someone's feelings. All right. Thank you all very
(59:33):
much for joining us today. We love each and every
one of you. Please continue to write to us in
all the fashions and forms. Be kind to each other please,
and as your host Kevin Pollock, reminding you until next time,
(01:00:01):
no
Welcome back to another episode of Alcomy This. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Gavin Pollock. What's that in the evening?
Would be best if I had to guess, but I
haven't done some proper peeping tom. And then I don't know.
Maybe gosh, he's gotta be half a century. Yeah, I've
been a minute, but I digress. Let's meet a room
a shower in a particular orders. Say hello to Chris
(00:24):
Anthony Alvarado, not so crazy horse. Your thoughts on horseback riding? Funny?
I haven't been horseback riding in ten years, and I
went last last month. What me? My dad and my sister.
We went near Griffith Park. Um, I had the horse
that his name is Big John. He's the first horse
you see in the in the television show West World.
(00:47):
Um is that on his resume? Yeah? I wonder? And
then my sister said something like jokingly like does that
mean he'll help my brother get roles? And then we
laughed and laughed and running hurts hurt, hurt my crotch. Yeah,
I didn't feel that one with the animal. I felt
(01:07):
like she's in charge. Of course he is, but I
didn't feel like comfortable, and a couple of times I
did the and the on the side and he went
too fast for me. And uh so no, no, thank you.
I concur with you about all that. Don't look over there.
But someone invited Caroline Cotter, there's no you and farting.
How do you get started with the fancy ice skaty? Oh? Well, um,
(01:34):
you know, is it you asking me or like if
anybody wants to do it? No, how did you actually
get started? Oh? I don't know. I think I won't.
When I was really long, um, my mom like took
us to the ice rink, you know, uh, because we
were young. And then um, we had ice skates that
(01:55):
were like six sizes too big. We're so bad. We
just like kept eating ship and then someone was like, hey,
those those are bad. You're gonna like break your ankle.
And then I got a pair that fit, and then I,
um was I just I guess was good at it? Um.
So you know I poured a lot of my life
(02:16):
and time and effort into that, only to abandon it,
um years later, and I have nothing really to show
for it now. So yeah, so you started the way
every other child starts with shoes that don't fit and
eating lots of ship. But but there was a turning point. Yeah,
were you or someone said, no, no, you you you
(02:39):
could be doing circles, Yes, exactly, and then once you
move on to the circles, it's really hard to go
back from there. The next steps the Olympics, and that
was kind of what happened for me. Okay, so thank
you for sharing that, and now please welcome back Craig
Atkowski with his summer Hammock reading review account. Kevin, I'm
(02:59):
in the hammock for now and my um my ass
is just pouring out of it in those little ropey
holes at the bottom of the hammock. Um, there's a
dead bird nearby. Uh, my dog is out with me.
He's eating goose poop. Eating goose poop. It's a solid
(03:24):
source of of protein. I have my book here, Uh,
just not able to crack it open quite yet. It
was lots a lot of fucking distractions. Here at the
hammock is comfortable and I'm falling asleep. I am falling asleep.
Oh that's so perfect like out It's James Ceeney, Papa
(03:46):
do preach? Were you ever hired to babysit. I babysat
my cousins for years. I lived across the street from
two cousins and two doors down from two other cousins.
So I was like I had a racket going with
my family. Uh, and they loved me as a babysitter.
(04:08):
I was like like when there there was one time
where my aunt was like sick, not going to work,
and they literally started bawling like, oh, James is supposed
to baby, said us. So she had me come over
even though she was staying home, and my baby sat
kind of a pro at it nice and impressed. And last,
(04:30):
but no more fried bologney. If you think at least
it's Joey Greer dental, damn your last trip to the
dentists and what were her or his findings. I do
want to make a note on no more fried Bologny
to anybody just in general. There has been a massive
recall on fried bologny. So be very bologney itself. But
(04:53):
once it's fried, once it's fried, there's been a recall.
I say so, uh yeah, I think at the n
s A. But you just be very very careful with
fried bologney. Uh, you know, in general, I know it's
a fair season is coming up. Uh, and it's gonna
be a lot of fried Bologny stands, Frida Bologne rides.
(05:14):
Just be very very mindful because that that can seep
into the skin. What what was the question was the
is that all of our James, this is serious. People
are gonna get sick. Yeah. Also, I just got through
an hour long harassment fucking seminar from for for for Disney,
(05:35):
so I don't feel safe, James, Thank you. Sorry. All
of our scene suggestions you got from your listener emails
or or a patron v I p s. To become
a Patron's part of the show and in joe exclusive
content and other perks like video of Joey, just head
on over to patron dot com slash alchemy. This is
If you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email,
please write to the podcast our newish email address, Alchemy.
(05:58):
This email at email dot com. That's seen one in
fact come from patron v I p J who wrote, Hey, there,
I was just listening to the rogue meatball thrower terrorizes
college campus, and ever the pedant Craig Atkowski happened to
(06:20):
misuse a word that is the precise response. I would
have bet the house on he referred to an acronym
when what he should have said was initialism. An acronym
(06:40):
is something you can say as a word, whereas the
NBC k W w C, the National Association of College
Kids who Write Papers is sounded out letter by letter.
As a non elitist, I suppose a descriptive, descriptive ist
approach to language and clear really, Mr Karkowski is a
(07:02):
pre scriptivist, Craig. If you want everyone to speak like you,
you better learn the damn language yourself. Completely unrelated. Let's
hear first, Craig response, what was the initialism that we
created the Natural Association of College Kids who Write papers?
(07:24):
Or the yeah in A in A C k w
w P. So the knack whip There is an acronym
there it is. And that's where I went wrong and
not saying knack whip, because that is clearly an acronym. Craig,
(07:47):
Colm down, come down, come if I know what an
initialism is, and I would have said initial if that's
what I meant, James, we got to edit this out.
This is I'm with you, dude, And now he has
seen suggested Jake suggested aggressive apologizing regards. Man of the people,
(08:08):
Jake Birch Uh, Lynn, do you want to send in
the next applicant place? Of course? Um up? Next we
have Peter Jake. I don't need last names. I'm better
off with don't forget what I said with Peter. Peter
you can, Peter, you can come in. Peter, Hey, have
(08:28):
a seat, thank you. Uh well, let's just start with
this office. Is this is this real wood? No? No,
it isn't, but thank you for thinking it is. I
appreciate that looks real. It looks like that kind of
really deep, dark expensive wood. What's it called the Oh?
(08:51):
It looks like real stuff? Is this fake? Have you
done some woodwork in your past? No? But I've seen
would work? I see. So it's so cute. Is your
understanding of would work that you you were not kind
enough to compliment? I'm sorry? Did you just call me cute?
I might have? Okay, Well, I don't know if I
(09:12):
feel comfortable with this, with this interview for the job
you might have. I don't want to be hired here
because I'm cute, Okay, I want to be hired here
based on here's here's my resume? Oh, let me take
a look at this here. I want to be hired
on those skills, Peter, Can I start by saying that
your resume is very cute? Oh my god, are you serious?
(09:33):
Do I like your resume? Yes? Oh my god. I
am so sorry for spilling that coffee on your shirt.
I I didn't mean that. Do you want to take
my shirt? I mean it's the same interview, right, you're
going before me used that shirt and then well you
we can swap out. I am so so sorry that.
I mean it was a cafe latte. There's a little milk, right,
It's all right, It's all right. I'm fine, I'm fine.
(09:53):
I am so so sorry, So just stop it. I
just want to concentrate on the task. Canna end and
prepare for the interview. Okay, all right, it's not a
big deal. Do you want cash? Do you want money?
Do you want money? Here? Here? I think this stain
will get out. It's gonna be alright. Take the keys
to my house, all right? Take the keys to my house?
(10:13):
Will I do with those? I didn't want him with
the keys to her house. I'm pretty sure I live
in a better place than you live. I almost guarantee it.
Just take the house, please, I don't want I know,
I don't want your house. Please. I'm sorry. I well,
I don't know. I don't know who's next, but I'm
not taking this job. I'm out of here, and you
guys will hear from my lawyer. Guys. Whoa. Okay, so
(10:35):
he didn't get the job. I guess not. I was
gonna say, you two need to keep it down, but
it doesn't actually matter since that man just stormed out.
So um would do either of you have a preference?
I have um Daniel next on the list, but I
see you just got that stained shirt, so I don't
know if you want to go instead. That's my fault.
(10:55):
I did that. Did that? Now I'm fine. I can
go in. Okay, great, so you can follow me, sir.
We have Daniel Jones frank Lynn. Uh just the first
name Lynn is what? I you know what? I thought
you said the opposite? So sorry about that. So he's
coming in. Yeah, Hi, Daniel Jones Franklin, the fourth Daniel. Pleasure,
(11:19):
have a seat. I don't even know Lynn's last name.
That's so strict I am with this stuff. Yeah, she
worked for you for a while, eleven years yeah, she's
the best. Sorry about this. By the way, some some
douche bag in the lobby spilled a spilled a lukewarm
coffee on me before I went in, and nothing worse
(11:43):
the lukewarm coffee. Well it's it's better if you're gonna
get it spilled on you than than scalding hot. That's
very quick comeback. That'll come in handy should you get
this job. Can can you close the door? Sorry, he's
at the bottom screaming through the bottom crack of the door.
(12:04):
That's why you're going to be hearing him. So about that,
I did. I did the silly lynn. Can you just
kind of step on his face a little bit? Soa
all that worked? Uh? Daniel? Uh, first of all, before
we get started, I wanted to say that that Harold says, hello,
(12:25):
Oh okay, that's good to know. Yeah, so I'm recently,
did you? Yeah, and I hope we're talking about the
same Harold, because you don't like last names. I don't okay, Uh, yeah, yeah,
I did see him recently. Uh you know, he got
me this interview, hooked me up with you. Oh oh
(12:45):
you're that Daniel? Yes, Oh okay, I don't even know
if I need to look at your resume. Harold would
this this is a mere formality, right, absolutely, Harold would
not shut the funk up about you. We're talking about
the same Harold, right. I hope so, because the one
I spoke to could not have been a bigger way.
He's the one who looked me up with this interview.
Was like, it's the same one. Let's say his last
(13:06):
name at the same time together, just one to three Peter.
Oh no, no, this was a different guy. I just
wanted to be certain. I'm so sorry I spilled my
coffee on a guy. That's a long sort. Can I
get a refill? I'm sorry to ask. I'm sorry to ask.
(13:29):
I gave him my money. What's the question? The uh?
Can I get a refill of the cafe latte? Just
a little bit of milk in there? I'm so sorry
I spilled it on a on a guy with a
job interview. There was a shirt of I don't know
if the milk is gonna stay more or not. Give
him some money. I I'm just so I'm also I'm
(13:51):
so sorry to My name is lender. Lender. This is
an interesting scenario, interesting predicament. I should say because I
have been a customer a customer in my life. I've
been a customer before. I've been on your side of
the counter, I should say. I'm like, I remember, like
(14:13):
at some point in my life I certainly spilled something
and then expected a free refill. But where's the logic
in that? Lender? Right? I am so sorry to even
where's the no? Just tell me where the logic is.
I did not mean to bring up this existential crisis.
You so you I made you a latte and then
(14:35):
you spilled it. Come down and now I owe you that.
I'm sorry. Tell me where the logic is? Lender. I'm sorry, Lender.
Today is my last day at this coffee shop. So
I'm really some answers. Are you dying? For some answers?
We're all kind of dying, right, I'm sorry to bring
that up. Lender came here. Actually, I don't take my
(14:57):
apron off. Lender. Hey, everybody, we listen up, please, Okay,
have your attention. What's happening? Man? You can't all right?
Let's get her out. Okay, she's gonna be you buddy. Now,
Lenders filled his coffee and wants me to give him
a free refill. Please raise your hand if you think
(15:19):
I should give him that free refill, I think you should. Okay, yeah, wait,
what what's fair about that? Well? Probably if there was
a better handle, maybe he wouldn't spilled it. What's your name?
What's your name? Ryan? Ryan? Fuck you dude? Oh that's
(15:39):
uncalled for. I don't care. Okay, okay, So Lendard, you
got one? How about you, sir? Yeah? I just think
it was an accident, and the company policy should be oopsie.
So when you make a mistake, we we pay for it.
That should be the policy. Fuck off, Greg today today?
(16:01):
What was your last day? You come here? Thanks for
cassing my shoulder, shoulder, you're beautiful baby, Thank you. We're
gonna have a guest for over for dinner, by the way,
on our anniversary. Yeah, I just figured okay, yeah, no,
(16:29):
I can order more Chick fil a U. What did
you do today? You run a marathon or something? Training?
But I gave up? Um, I hit a wall. Thanks
this little sunscreen on my shoulders still, so just be careful.
(16:49):
So the gentleman who's coming over, his name is Lender.
So if you want to make a place car for
him or something, place cards, sure, Yeah, let me just
make a little construction paper place cards feeling. Are you
filling this baby a little bit? We have that that
that runners high. I have a runner's break. I think
(17:11):
it's when you p and poo yourself and your nipples
bleed like a runner's break. It's not I'm not in
that face with a running experience. Okay, UM, do you
mind if we sit down for a second. Sure, I'm
gonna spin. I'm gonna spin, and then I'll see why that.
I know you said you wanted to get out of
(17:34):
the coffee business, but um, I just got our mortgage
papers back in the bank says they're going to increase
it by and I need you to get back into
the coffee business just for a little bit longer so
we can pay off this mortgage. And then of course
we can start our own hat business where we can
(17:54):
live our dreams, where we just make hats, hats for animals.
I told your father I would it always take care
of you and do my best and if if this
is what's required to me, this is what's required to me,
let me, uh we call the shop real quick and
see if I can get my job back. I don't
know because I stormed. I kind of did a big
(18:16):
thing on the way out. Hey, Steve, sorry for just
barge into your office like this. I I came across
this memo you put out saying that we should feel
free to contact all of our lenders and increase their
mortgages by and I just want to say, hats off
to you. You think we can actually accomplish this, well,
(18:38):
I think that if we get forty percent of the
people to spend an extra six I'm not expecting a
hundred percent of these people to do it, but if
even some, we even some, imagine the kind of money
that will start trickling in of h percent of the
time they allow a sixty increase, we're we're high in
cotton as the now. You're talking my kind of math, Rob,
(19:02):
that's my kind of math. Yeah. Well, let me just
put this out there. If I could pack your ship
and be out by noon, you're you're fired. That's right. Boo. Yep, Steve,
I was work. Huh uh shuh. You know, sometimes you
(19:23):
get too big for your company and you gotta find
a new place to be a banker? What did you
get fired on our anniversary? Oh no, not an anniversary.
If I quit. I quit. I was like, don't quit. Oh,
you betterfied something right now. Hey Hey, hey mom, dad,
(19:47):
you forgot to kiss me good night. Oh I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. Not on the lips with don UM. I worked.
I worked next door at the coffee shop, and I
see that you guys are hiring here. I thought maybe
I could swing in for a quick It's kind of
(20:09):
the interviews, UM, you need to be referred on a
first name basis. So I we just concluded our interviews yesterday.
But the good news is UM, absolutely no one was hired.
In fact, we accidentally did end up sending a man
to a hospital for UM. He choked. I said that
(20:31):
the space UM. Anyway, if you happen to have any
sort of like resume or something, I could see if
I could sneak you in UM today. So you asked,
so just to be clear, Just to be clear, So
we're on the same page. You came to me to
this office. You are asking for a job with absolutely
no resume or anything like that. Yeah, do you have
(20:55):
like a LinkedIn link that I could pull up and
print out? You know, I never, I don't like social never. Look,
so what is your plan? Do you want to tell
what the fun your plan is? Yeah? I thought if
I asked nicely, that you give me a job and
I can make some money and then I can pay
my mortgage off. Did you get the six increase to
did you? Yeah? Of course. Sorry, it just feels like
you wouldn't be at homeowner Daniel Frankly Jones the fourth.
(21:18):
I thought, why are you playing? I didn't work out?
Did you? Did you job? My name? Harold? I dropped
your name, but you were the wrong Harold. He was
thinking of another herold entirely. I don't know because I
was talking at the same time. He said the other Harold.
It wasn't the same, it was that same one. He
(21:41):
did not look like a mortgage holder. Scene two comes
to Sam Matthew, who wrote, Hello Kevin and Company. I
will keep my praise brief and that that's the end
of his praise. Scene suggestion sandwiches you are every in
If you're ever in Vegas Anita hook up, please let
(22:03):
me know. Jesus, don't put that out there for everyone.
Hi is this a Is this a sandwich place? Yeah?
It's problem. Um no, no, there's no problem at all.
I was told that you would make amazing sandwiches. Here,
we make sandwiches. Yeah, so wait, did you just I
(22:27):
said sandwich? Right? Is he looking for a hook up
with a sandwich? He asked for a sandwich like this guy,
sandwich sandwich? I could frame a photo. I want a sandwich.
And now that I'm looking around, I I don't see
any meats, breads, or cheeses here. I just see you
want meats on your sandwich. I am a carnivore. I'll
(22:50):
occasionally enjoy vegetarians sandwich. But but yeah, I just see
one solitary desk here in this room. So I don't
really know why someone sent me here. May because they
want you to become a super villain named doctor Observo
what I think he's a cop? I think he's a cop.
(23:13):
I'm not a cop. I'm not a cop. And I
what do you don't? I don't have to tell you
even if I was. What do you do for a living?
It's smart? It's smart you give to improvise? Or e's
a cop? What do I do for a living? Sign
when they repeat the question back to your buying Okay,
listen to me, Listen to me. Say that you are
(23:34):
an engineer so you're an engineer. I'm an engineer. Why
do you have an earpiece? Like a true, true sort
of engineer. Oh no, say you're say you're an artist.
You do like fingerpaint? Don't do no, don't don't, don't
don't say that. Let me answer your question first. I
have the earpiece because trains are leaving all the time
(23:58):
and I just need to be in contact with with
Central station. Kinger painting the trains. Don't make that. Artists fun,
artist fun? Shut up? Shut up? Which one telling us
to shut up? No? No, no, not you. I'm saying
this to myself because sometimes I overtalk when i'm when
I'm nervous. So nope, not a cop. I'm an engineer,
(24:19):
the train kind and communicating currently with with Central station.
Aliens say aliens, aliens, aliens? Why just say aliens? No, no, no,
I'm not saying that your aliens. He I'll be honest
with you. He gets it a lot, really Yeah. Yeah,
(24:42):
you should see when he's eating. Oh man, you swear
he's from another planet that's going to keep going. Don't forget.
The safe word is banana pepper. The safe word is
so if you were to get a sandwich. What would
you want on you a sandwich? Oh so you are
saying sandwich? Now, well, I'm trying to communicate to you.
We make sandwiches. But if you were to get a sandwich,
(25:04):
what would you like on it? Just say sandwich? I
mean I might be annunciating. Okay, bring us bring up
the movie Stargate. Kurt Russell. Remember Stargate? How's that good? Hell? Well,
the Aliens? The alien? Bring up Stargate, asking if you've
seen it? Seen uh Stargate the movie with no, no, no,
(25:26):
not the TV show, the movie with Kurt Russell, and
then the guy from uh everybody crying game. Sorry, look,
I can't do it with this guy in the vein anymore. Okay,
I know you should. He's my nephew. He's beautiful. Yeah,
he's gorgeous, but he's got the weirdest ideas. He's gonna
blow the cover. I mean, people's lives are on the
(25:47):
line here, weird ideas. He thinks outside of the box.
He gotta undergraduate degree in studio art. Let him be himself.
Do I need to remind you what my degree is?
In creative nonfiction. That means that make up stuff pretty
like creatively, but it's also pretty real. Okay, well, look,
(26:08):
I don't give a ship what you majored in. I
regret bringing up his major because I don't want to
learn anything new about you. Um, but just just deal
with him, okay, just he's a he's a good, beautiful boy.
Can you call him in? Can we talk about this
with you? Fine? In? Yeah, you gotta come in the room, Todd.
(26:31):
You can't scream from the next rooms. Why I yelled
your name? What coming the room, Dodd? What's going on?
So your partners being a little bit she has a
problem with you? So well, anything it would have banana
peppers on it. I just feel like the way then
(26:56):
let me take these headphones off. Banana peppers. Jesus Jesus,
we we we don't make sandwiches. We make sandwiches, banana peppers, peppers.
You seem pretty adamant about your banana pepper. Banana peppers,
banana peppers. Oh, it's just gun. It's guys. Look, the
(27:20):
most important thing is that we cracked this case of
the sandwich boys. Okay, and uh, I don't really have
time for your in fighting for your for your had
a great job. You're beautiful you've won awards for being
so beautiful and now this guy is being difficult, So
what you just maybe go along with it? Maybe his
(27:42):
untraditional strategies could work. Okay, okay, okay, thanks urge, thanks
for hearing me out. You're welcome back into it, all right,
So you just want to jump back in as if
you just didn't have to try to get me this
barred that wasn't Maybe it'd be easy to remember what
you do if you're tied to it. How do you
feel now, is it easier to talk tied to a chair?
(28:03):
I think it's not easier to talk tied to a chair.
Why would you think that? Because you weren't telling us
what we asked over and over. So let's try it
again now that you have less distractions. Why did you
keep yelling, yelling banana pepper because that's what I want
on my sandwich? Sandwich? Uh huh? So so you're comfortable
(28:25):
now saying sandwich? Yes, yes, I'll I'll be back in
a second. Thanks, Tommy. We're gonna do with the players. Well,
he's not going to apply banana peppers, that's for sure.
One at a time. God, I'm a trade engineer. Okay,
(28:51):
so if the next stop we're Louisville, how would you
say that as an engineer? Because Todd, what I'm saying is,
I will try to pick up on what direction you're going.
I get, I get what. I get what you're saying.
I get keep saying that part, but I feel like
you don't. I get it. I get it. Sorry, can
you guys do this out of my office? You have
your own cubicle. Just please just get out of here.
(29:19):
I cannot hear you with this guy screaming in my
goddamn here. So maybe the problem is we're all in
different cubicles instead of everyone in the office being in
your office. Now, that's an idea. I like that quite
a lot. Everyone get into my office. I got a
(29:41):
cubicle over here. Is that coldbrew? A full tank? Oh?
I would't stop talking when we got in here, changing changing? Hey? Then, Hey,
(30:01):
how are you doing? Hi? I am starving great to
come to the right place. What can we get you?
I'll take um fried baloney sandwich, place five Bloni sandwich.
You get some kitchup on your face, you might want
(30:22):
to clean to kitchup of your feace. Okay, first of all,
watch your fucking tone. Would you like anything with that? Sir?
I'm a woman, but thank you. Anything on the side, miss,
with your sandwich? I see you, We both we got
headqulled just going around. Oh did you want to do? You?
(30:45):
Please just spell out with you what are they trying
to do? Maybe I'll be interested? Who knows? This is Vegas?
What happens in Vegas? You know? Yeah? I'm asking you
if you want anything with your sandwich, miss, That's all
I'm asking. Oh, no, thank you? So no cocaine on
your sand Oh cocaine is an option? Yes, please? Okay,
how much would you like one ball? Please? April? A ball? Aprill? Daniel, Baby,
(31:10):
I'm sorry. I didn't know that that was gonna happen
to you. Didn't know your fingernails are gonna get pulled out? Alright,
but I mean you got the job right, you're an
informant for a minute. Yeah, that's good, Harold. I don't
know why you set me there. I do. I don't
want the job. You don't want the job. No, as now,
you don't want a job. You've got two fingernails, now,
(31:33):
you know. I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry they missed somehow
the biggest biggest finger you got. I don't know. They
didn't see the thubs, Daniel. Get him to say, more information, Harold,
can you give me more information about what? General? General information?
(31:54):
Just just generally, just generally, just give me more information.
Let's see own pillows or goose feathers. I don't know
if you do, come, come what else? What else? Um?
Does he have any hobbies? What kind of hobbies do
you have, Harold? Hobbies? Selling guns, murders selling Tell me more,
(32:15):
tell me more about the selling guns? Well? Actually, did
you say murderers? B Yeah, it's my hobbies. Hobbies. See
what else? How do I get started? Tell you want
to take this one over? You know, I just want
to say, honestly, I am so sorry for rejecting the
ways I did before. Dude, you know what, I'm like
(32:38):
old school and maybe I need a little freshening up
every now and then a little whimsy whafn't you? Yeah,
I'm sorry for for closing a door on your ideas. No,
it's totally fine. I I get that, you know what
I mean. That's just how that's just how it is.
You want to see all this jage s works, piece
(33:00):
of shipow Spanna Peppers Band Peppers. Slow it up. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, I get it. Come on, why because I
have some freak genetics? Keep bones are right next to
my eyebrows. Yeah, that's just easy on. That's no one's fault.
(33:23):
I'm a freak, if anything. Yeah, I guess we're all
kind of freaks are when you're beautiful, Thanks, freak. I
wanna take your rooms out, one by one, Harold, No,
not a scene too scene too for you. Scene three
(33:46):
comes from some patron v I P. Cory Booth who
wrote Mr KP the Dispatch Center for the help. I've
fallen and I can't get up service. Keep up the hilarity, alright,
So what you'll do is when phone calls come in, uh,
you read off the sheet that we've supplied you with
(34:08):
all the things you need to say to whoever's calling
in or right there on that sheet. That makes sense.
I guess. My thing that just kind of freaks me
out is like, what if someone calls with a situation
that is out of the ordinary, you know what I mean,
when I still stick to the script or in that case,
would I be allowed to kind of like respond to
them in a like real way. You know what I'm saying.
(34:33):
I know what you're saying, and I have answers along
with some questions. Okay, if you were to qualify freaked out,
why don't you go ahead and get that. Let's just
jump right okay, okay, I'll read this from the scripting. Hi,
thank you for calling lifeline. Are you okay right now?
(34:53):
I'm not. I'm not sure. Can you? Did you try
standing up? No? Why don't you try standing up? Let
me know how that goes. I'm on the line. I'm up.
Thank you, You're welcome, have a great day, and don't
forget to stay on the line and answer the survey
as to how I did. Okay, I have a great lifeline. Hey, sure,
(35:17):
thank you for calling lifeline. I just want to answer
these survey questions. They don't be able to hang up
the phone. All right. Oh I'm just a little tired
and had a spill. That's okay. Sure, Now you do
got to answer these survey questions. Okay, it's not an option.
I can you will? All right? You gotta answer the
survey questions, sir. Let me say, have a great lifeline. Okay,
So let's go right to it. Here, Sara how do
(35:39):
you like Lifeline? One out of ten tend being the worst,
one being okay, I five being the best, but three, Um,
we'll go fives all the way across. Can I hang up? Okay?
Next question? Sure? How do you hear about Lifeline? Was
it a pigeon that a little bird? Tell you? Is
(35:59):
that my only option? Yeah? Yes, okay, so it's either
one to ten, three? Three? Huh? Okay? Was that wrong? Oh? Hello?
(36:20):
Thank you for calling Lifeline? Are you okay? I know,
I don't know. I don't know. Can you stand up?
I'll try, I'll try. Oh I can't. I can't. I
fall in it. I can't stand up. Okay, please call
nine on one. We cannot help you have a great lifeline. Hi,
(36:41):
Sarah just said before, Oh I got a cold line.
Right before you do that, Sara, we're gonna be able
to do this survey. We patuating tone one one? All right, okay,
can we do a real quick of course we can. So. Uh,
how do you like Lifeline? What it was not what
I expected? All right? A score from one to ten,
(37:02):
one being the best, time being the worst, five being
also the best. But three? What's three? Okay? Three? Alright? No, no,
I wanted to know what three was? All right, sir?
How did you hear about lifeline? Was it a small alligator?
Not a baby alligator, but at a full grown alligator
that was shrunk down by god? No? No, no, it's
one to ten or one to ten zero okay, zero
(37:31):
one zero and a lot of paper. So if you're
wearing khakis. Oh boy, just got done listening to ALT
today's recordings. It's uh. We had some interesting calls today,
interesting calls today. You know, Carl, I can we can
talk openly here, right. We've worked together next together for
(37:54):
for months. It's interesting. This was one gentleman fell and
he said, I all in, let's see here our phone,
and I can't stand up. And I was thinking, you know,
he was so close to using the actual tagline, and
it's interesting how he just missed it. You know, well,
we we can't expect that these people who are suffering
(38:15):
are just going to automatically use our advertising copy. I
know it was close, there was one word off, but
I think it was just an organic thing that he
said while suffering. And I don't want to fault him
for that, but part of me does want I want
to punish him. Oh, okay, I see where you're going
with this. Hellier did you like would you like a
(38:36):
zero alcohol Budweiser? Okay, the less alcohol the better, all
the beer taste. All right, you got to solve all
the dispatchers here. What the hell you want to tell us?
All right? First of all, help yourself to any of
the n a beer I brought? Oh, duels, I haven't?
(39:02):
Oh yeah yeah, all right, not applicable. Do any non
alcoholic liquor? Yes, yes, I have um ninjin okay, and
I have uh nisky whiskey. Okay. Why didn't you tell
(39:26):
me a nisky whiskey? I would I would have God
for that first me too. I cracked up in this beard.
I don't want to finish it now it's leaving. It's
making my mouth tastes like bile. I know that's the
that's the thing about all duels. So look, look, look, dispatchers.
I was thinking, you know what if we started paying
these people our customers? You wants to pay them? Trying
(39:50):
to pour my thoughts here, wait, wait for the noun,
wait for the nown. It's also just funny because he
called this meeting for us. You may this come after
work throughout the home. So I would think you would
have something like fully formed and ready to say you
know what I mean? Yeah, you made me print out
everyone's a dress? Well what's going on? Yes? Thank you
so much, by the way. Okay, so let me look
(40:10):
through these real quick here. So I was thinking, you
know what if we got back on our customers? Is
that on the script? I thought were supposed to stick
to the script. So well, you're new, right, Yeah, how
can you tell because you're really good at your job.
(40:31):
Oh that's interesting, I've been here longer or worse at
their job. Yeah, that tends to be the way it goes. Funny.
It's usually opposite for mostly everything else, but not in here.
The longer you get here, you get more like you're
bored with it. Whatever I'm saying, why don't we shake
it up as right? Pay them a visit? Is that
(40:52):
where you're going with it? So you want us to
do like a safety check, a health check on them? Okay,
why don't I we you One quick line from a
transcript that happened this afternoon. I've fallen and I can't
stand up. Oh I think that was my call. It
was as a matter of fact that doesn't that piss
(41:13):
you off? That he fell, that he almost set our tagline,
thank you, thank you, you know what. Just give me,
just give me the beers, give me the give me
the nisky whiskey. Give me then, now you know what
this was the wrong I thought, I'm sorry. Give it
back to her. Many get off of me. Give the
(41:35):
beer back, man you want from me? And I felt,
oh my god, I got stabbed in the side. Oh
my god, it's a remarble. I felt it. I got
stabbed in the side. Keep going, keep going, from my league.
(41:57):
Can you rise? I don't know, I don't know the
world you want to take this script? I guess so.
But he has to call first call first when he's
tiling nine one, Oh, what's the what's the emergency? I fell?
(42:22):
And I got remark puging through my bleak. Okay, okay,
we don't want you to remove that remark. Keep it
in place. What's the location that you're at right now?
I'm at my friend Doll's house, I mean his gars.
You're gonna need to give me an address so I
can dispatch nine one one to you. This whole thing up,
(42:43):
I miss this whole thing up. Didn't I. I mean,
it seemed like when you were throwing it to me
at the call center, like it seemed like the right
thing to do. But it's gone so wrong so fast.
I'll just it all just started to like collapse, implode
and self. The idea wasn't good. The New Girls pissed
at me. Yeah no, I'm just spit bones. So you know,
(43:07):
it seems like there's lots of names out there for
other types of fake booze. I'm saying, let's try vod
can't vodka Okay, okay? Would you drink like a vodkn't
and o J? I mean I wouldn't because I like alcohol,
But I could imagine. I could imagine somebody that doesn't
(43:27):
drink alcohol having a vodkaan't and o ja. It would
be like a screw driver. That's right. You could call
it like a screwdriver. I mean that would be a
catchy name. Also, burb burb don't This seems like really
negative names for the goofy goofy. We need you out
(43:47):
on the floor. But what's happening? Yeah, yeah, sure, he's
got a punch in. I understand. Hey, let me run
these by you. That's some ideas for some non alcoholic
hooch that you want to sell here. But no, no, no,
like a company. I want to like a make a
non hooch lick a company. You know it's against Disney
(44:09):
policy to talk about non Disney things. Yes, yes I
do know that. But I thought I was safe back here.
And are you know what? Forgive me? You are safe,
you and we're good, Thanks very much. Give me one second.
What you're saying you're pressing on your ear. I'm sorry.
The anthropomorphic dog that's been running around here, they just
(44:29):
piste on my cubicle, all right, sonch him in the
throat or what's going on? Because it's the second time
he's done it. Why would you punch him in the throat? Well,
I pee on my cubicle, all right. Someone just seems
like it's not a problem. But we gotta try train
an animal before because don't pee punch throat is not
a real cousins? Why I'm here asking because I'm like,
(44:51):
is it a dog? Is it a man? What's position here?
Cast member? What's my position? Again? If you're repeating the question,
it seems like you're buying time. Well I am a
little bit okay because my title keeps changed. But right now,
I'm in little New York, all right, and I'm a
Bagels sales guy. It's supposed to harass pastor by. That's
(45:12):
that's good. This is good. Gets get some more information
out of it. So you're working, You're working in little
New York, New York. So well give me give me
one second. Did you hear that? Because I thought I
was the one who was working here in different Yeah, surecity.
(45:33):
Yeah yeah, what I'm just asking questions? Man? Oh yeah,
me too, So yeah, back to it. Uh, okay, guys,
you I'm I'm in both your ears. You're both working
for me. You're both doing great. Just get some more information.
We're covering our bases. We're covering our bases. Yeah, we
all go. Shouldn't know where Tommy? All right? What I
(45:53):
didn't know that? Okay, now you do straighten up and
fly right and get this guy's problem out of my face.
What's it's going to you? Guys talking to somebody else.
I'm talking to each other. Okay, were you remember the
safe word is Disney Disney. I said that earlier. Nothing
I happened. Well, I wipe the old one clean. That's
(46:15):
a new one. What do you mean what are you
talking about? I said to you earlier, you know, get
on my face and nothing happened. Yeah, don't punch an
anamorphic dog in the throat. That's that's why I came
to you guys. All right, I said, what am I
supposed to do? I'm coming to my managers right now?
I asked, what's your name again? Lou? Okay, Lou, first
(46:36):
of all, supposed to not a word. It's my it's
my character affectation. Okay, I'm supposed to use I'm supposed
to be talking like that the whole time. All right, Hey, yeah, welcome.
It takes so nice to have you. You're so close
to playing Loki. What a what a bitch? That is?
Huh didn't what did they say? Didn't have the face for? Okay,
(46:58):
we don't. We don't know anything on this guy. This guy's,
this guy's he's just playing a character again. Okay, Yes,
it's the actual Goofy. The actual Goofy is for some
reason at the park. Uh, this is this is the
guy that we need. Okay, Oh, just left something in
my looker. Okay, Oh, we're just talking about a party
(47:21):
later on, Like the party goofy oh, I like sandwiches. Yeah,
now we're talking. What did he say? Wait? What did
you say? What did I say? Yeah? You like what
you said? You like something? What? What? What do you like?
Should I like sandwiches? Okay, no, that not that that
(47:44):
checks out. That's fine. Okay. What about like a nice cigarette? Yeah? Yeah, cool?
What kind of cigarettes? Booze? Drugs? Sandwiches? Where do you
want to go? First? You want to go to Magic Mountain?
Do you want to go to um? Little New York?
Little New York? I want a little New York. That's
(48:04):
where I want to go. Please, let's go, let's go. Okay,
I'm running. I'm so excited down I can't okay, okay,
I'm walking here. Okay, they're doing it. They're they're interacting
with us, like where I'm here. I'm here, I'm a
seven woman. Forget about it. To play a little three
(48:31):
card Monty. Everybody wins. Yeah, look at my penis. Oh
my god, I think that was his real penis. It
looks so real like I would think they would do
like a pastic or something. Are you okay? So fast?
So fast there? So fast? Are you okay? Yeah? Okay,
(48:59):
I mean carry you. Oh my god, most like absolute
shit in here. Well, they don't pick up the garbage
until Thursday. Oh my head, Oh my god. Hey, either
of you want to pizza pie? Yes, we do. What
(49:21):
the kind of pizza pie you like? I guess your recommendation,
like whatever you think is the best as an authentic
New Yorker. Well, the mama's mama's sauce is good, grandma
sauce is good. And also, go fund yourself sauces. Favorite
yourself sauce, Go funk yourself sauce. Please, God, we just
(49:48):
about three or four minutes we have that up for
your kids. Is it just the sauce or is the pizza?
Go funk yourself? Is it just saucer pizza? What do
we order? What did I just say go fund yourself?
You said go fund yourself? So right? How much is that?
It's of seventy two dollars? Seventy dollars for sauce. Relax,
(50:10):
it's a saucer Pizza' not gonna be seventy two fucking
dollars two dollars. This is a fucking bullshit, all right, No,
this is a fucking bullshit. Now go go go. What's
going on here. There's no little New York you pieces
(50:35):
of ship. We put this whole attraction up just to
catch you too. That says more about you than it
does about us. This is a very like a multimillion
dollar overcompensate because I'm bed at my job and have
a little self worth. What about it? I mean there
was marketing done for years two d dollars each for
(50:58):
special access tickets. Yeah. Yeah, and we're taking you to jail.
But first I want you to take this brief survey
about your experience being being suspects. What you're gonna take
a brief survey? Okay, my lawyer for the surveyor do
you want a lawyer? Yeah, okay, we'll get your lawyer
(51:22):
for the survey. Well everybody else, Um, that's it's kind
of a rap um. Look, you've all been great. Um.
I don't know if you knew this coming into it
or not, but you're not official Disney cast members. So
you're gonna have to exit the premises. What do you mean,
my little baby? What are we're supposed to leave? Mama, please,
(51:49):
Mama please, I have to look on this, on this
what are we gonna do? I know some of you
have found love here and made families here. This took
longer than I thought and understand I made love and
found families, made love and found families. This has become,
you know, an important part of your lives, if not
all of your lives. But we're done. We caught the
(52:12):
bad guys. You can go now. You can go now.
And sorry, just to be clear, he said we could
get our lawyer. So we are actually from Washington State,
so it's going to take him quite a while to
get Washington State. Are we just gonna wait for him
(52:32):
to fly drive? I don't know. Yeah, we're gonna have
to wait till he gets here, so you can do
the service, I guess. If that's the case. If that's
the case, I can give you guys two fast passes
to California, adventure to the whole place. Yes, until your
lawyer gets here. What do you think? Can we discuss
(52:59):
it a moment? Okay, close your ears, everybody that's not us,
everybody close your ears, all little New York your ears
close them up. La la la la, la la la la.
What do you think should we take it? I don't know.
It just seems kind of it seems kind of insane.
(53:23):
They said they have nothing to do with Disney, and
again he's offering us two fast passes to the entire part.
I've never heard of that before, I know, but thinks
of it like this, think of it like we get
too fast passes to California. Telling me to think of
it like something. When you do that, it's a fucking
condescending you know, that's the same. You never think about it.
You never think about it all the whole way through.
(53:43):
You always have to run into situation. Okay, just because
I'm not a fucking mathematician like you are. I didn't
do my doctorate in quantum theory. Yes, okay, so you
know what I mean. So it just we can't have
a calm conversation about this because you're always getting on
my nerves because you always want you always want to
compare our intellects. It's okay, I don't It's okay, what
(54:06):
finished that you don't know quantum physics? And then what
means what? Which means that I'm a big fat, fucking
dumb piece of shops on the bottom a shoe? Bring,
bring your hand tie? Do you mind grabing it with
your feet? Bring? Bring? Bring? Okay, here it is bring. Oh, hello,
(54:29):
that's my lawyer. What's going on? Hey, earl? We need
your help? Oh I've fallen? Okay, you all right? I
don't know. I don't know what to call. You have Lifeline,
don't you? Yeah? I have that button. I have a
bracelet with the button on it. Should I press that?
You should press that? Earl? Okay, okay, you're gonna oh,
(54:52):
you're gonna hang up. Well, I can stand the line
until until Lifeline calls you. But I do need to
you got my text. My foot is getting tired. I
can't okay, what do you want? What do you want
me to do? Just just keep it up? Hello, Lifeline?
Can I help you? Oh? I fell down? You've you've done? What? Now?
(55:15):
I've fallen? Okay? And and I I can't do what
I fall I fall in. I can't. You can't what
I can't? I can't. I can't get up. Give me
(55:37):
another non applicable beer? He said, Larry said it. He
said it. He said it when you when you went
to go chu, I didn't. You're addicted to these not
applicable beers. You're addicted to the zero alcohol you got.
You got a problem. Well I didn't catch him the moment,
We're gonna have to do what we do, which is
(55:58):
at the end of the day we go back and
to the all the day that is our show for today,
Let's take all my oh my, James Eni, thank you
so much for being here, Brother Buzz, thanks for having me.
This was one hell of a lot of fun today.
I like the simple suggestions that we can go so
(56:19):
crazy with. Yeah, me too, And that's good to hear
because I've got nothing but simple ones for the next
three weeks. Um uh, where should folks uh follow or
look you up? Well, I guess you could just search
me on Google real James Heeney. There's probably other James
(56:39):
Senis that show up. You can see shame As Heeney.
But you'll know my face is I'm the one with
the with the must at. You'll know my face here
now you'll know my face shame As Heeny for the record,
But thank you great google me, Caroline Connor, thank you
so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
(57:01):
I want to tell people to not google me because
there's a very successful folk singer songwriter with the name
Caroline Cotter. So if you google me, you're going to
probably find her um, or you could just check her out.
Um We also kind of don't look different enough that
you wouldn't think we're each other. Do you have a
favorite of her songs? No, I've never listened to one,
(57:24):
But no I haven't one time. Someone sent me an
emailment for her. Maybe I'll listen this week, so follow
you know Caroline Cotter Music. If you go to Caroline
Cotter dot com. That's her website, so check it out.
Awesome Chris Alvarado, Oh, buddy, so happy to hear you're
feeling great. I'm feeling good. A couple of things. I
(57:44):
got a haircut and my hair is too short, so
that's unfortunate. I also have a similar thing. There is
a Christopardo who's a musician. I think his website is
Chris Abroado live or his Instagram with live, but I'll
get I get tagged in his like Christobardo is playing
on the patio of this restaurant all all the time.
That's why you gotta stick with Chris. Anthony Alvaro Yep, yep.
(58:05):
Much respect though to the musician Chris Alvarado, I wish
him the best. I hope he's doing well right on.
That's very sweet and supportive and wonderful. Craig Atkowski, Thank you, buddy,
thank you. I'm the one and only Craig Atkowski. But
that's because I changed my name for show business. My
given name, of course, was Neil Young. Thanks for being here,
(58:27):
Joey Griman, I'm a pleasure to be here. And there's
an artist his I don't know if his name is.
I don't know his real name, but like his handle
is I think gold Star Music or something some of
that effect. He kind of looks like me, and I
messaged him on Instagram. I was like, hey man, I
think we look alike. Do you need a stuntman for
(58:47):
any of your music videos? And that's all I sent
to him. Uh And he did not respond. Could he
tell you were pronouncing its stuntman? I don't know, just
wrote to him. Jamie and I were in a restaurant
the other day and a guy leans over and says, hey, sorry,
I just gotta say you're my show business look alike.
People tell me all the time. This guy was not
(59:09):
a tractory. On the way out, was like he had
a giant nose and he was like sixty pounds hoverything.
What is this why would you. So, I'm gonna say,
everyone out there be careful. Yeah yeah right, You could
really hurt someone's feelings. All right. Thank you all very
(59:33):
much for joining us today. We love each and every
one of you. Please continue to write to us in
all the fashions and forms. Be kind to each other please,
and as your host Kevin Pollock, reminding you until next time,
(01:00:01):
no
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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