February 27, 2020 • 60 mins
Alchemist Team Building Retreat; Cincinnati Tire King; The Hold The Door Guy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Wellcome back to another episode alchemy. This on your host,
Kevin Polycuest, not Kevin Pologist. No, no, you said it
was no problem. And then I said we could go
to jail, and I guess one of us did, didn't
get But I digress. Let's meet a rackamu shower particularly
please say hello, Faith, peanut butter and I like the
(00:24):
natural crunchy whatever store I'm in there such assaulted, Look
the hell out. It's Mark Gagliardio Marcus, whose name is
an extension of the Roman god of war. That's right.
(00:45):
What have you done for you lately? Do you know
what I did? Please? Got some essential oils? Keep talking
and I love them. I rubbed my feet before bed.
That's my jam. I know I'm supposed to say something,
some joke that I will rub some thieves on my
feet before bed. It is the greatest Now on your
heels or the whole foot, No like on the pad,
(01:07):
like on the one. So when you're it's an essential oil.
It uses like clove oil and rosemates. Bunch of yeah.
It was originally from the age of the bubonic plague. Joey.
Just remember when you're subpoenaed on the pads. Yeah is
the answer. Okay, okay on the pads hotchi wow, Wow,
it's Christoph Varado. Christoph ever there was Can you still
(01:32):
count to seven in French? Yes? ND twalk cat sinc sept.
Thank you, You're welcome. How did I know that last?
Cat sink sept seventh? Literally? How did I know? He
(01:53):
is wheat? So? What is? What is? No? No Spanish
twalk cat say set? I think there's a seven? Yeah,
cat sink set. Yes. Maybe you just broke in around
(02:19):
like what's going on? Nope? Do you know he Chris
just wants us to keep talking. I had no idea
that this is going to happen, and I'm so fucking happy.
Oh it looks like six, but it's cease cease set
seven skipped at last. But we'll see. You'll see what
(02:39):
happens if you think at least. Uh, there's Joey Greg
candle up. Joe, Can you tell our listeners about the
first time you went away? Yeah? Uh, you know it
was I was thinking in the third grade and I
just remember blacking out, and then I was I was
in Egypt, probably right as like the Great Pyramids being
built now, and I was I was wearing rebox uh,
(03:03):
and there was a basketball court and Farrell was like,
you gotta play for your freedom, and I was like,
this is just like Russell and John Carpenter front and
then I was like, man, I gotta do this. And
then I did it, and long story short, I was
leading a group of people out of the desert, some
kind of exodus um called jews uh, And I remember
(03:26):
thinking exodus sounds like Xbox and then I started playing
Xbox in the desert. And that's when Halo was still around,
so the original Xbox and you couldn't you had to
do like land parties, so you had to like, what
do you want to order lunch? Yeah, that sounds good. Zza.
It takes a long time, as always, especial thanks to
all of our Patreon be happy members. Those of you
(03:47):
want to be a part of the Superman group, go
to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. Almost all of
our scenes suggestions are gathered from our listeners emails. If
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here our scene ever, wonder if that comes
from Patreon v ip Lisa who wrote High Alchemists. I
(04:07):
love the show. It's my favorite of the many podcasts
I listened to. Thank you for the many hours of laughs.
That's too used to the word Mini Lisa, and the
constant need to bury my head into my desk to
stifle my laughter so I don't look like a crazy
person at the office. My favorite scenes are the ones
where you play yourselves, and my scene suggestion is as follows.
(04:28):
Kevin noticing tensions and frictions between the Alchemists, takes them
all on a team building retreat. Can't wait to see
what you do with this, cheers Lisa from New Zealand.
So remember when you, guys, when the bus finally stops,
we get off the bus. We know we get off,
get off yelling in my face and his breath smells
(04:52):
I'm on vacation. I can do whatever the hell. I
love vacation. I shouldn't be smelling this. I should be
with my family. This isn't a vacation. This is an
important thing for you. Mark. It's also want to say anything.
He's not crazy. Craig couldn't make it today to the
(05:14):
shows up, so I got I got a spot on
the retreat. Mr Pollock said I could come on the retreat.
Why did you claim? Mr Paul? Right, Jesus Christ? All right,
now you eats, gonna get one lemonade, a cupcake and
a cookie. Joey, basketball's for you? Okay, alright, wait, that's
why I get to eat and drink? Yes? Are you serious? Amos?
(05:35):
Come on, I can mess Remind Joey why he gets
to eat and drink basketballs today because he's stupid? Thank you?
Are you serious? Joey? The numbers between nine and twelve?
What about him? You don't know them. I don't need
to know that you were supposed to learn them before.
I don't need to know that. That's what computers are
for us, what the iPhone is for. That is not
(05:56):
what the iPhone is? Serious? What's the numbers between serious?
Between nine and ten and eleven? Wait there's an overlap?
Asking serious? Listen here, okay, here's here's the big issue.
If I Mr Pollock, thank you. Um, it's like we
were all friends at one point, ye and then and
(06:16):
then all we all got the shitty vacations up right
in my face. I'm sorry? Can you stop changing seats?
And then and then joy makes and then joy makes
a sketch album, yeah right, exactly good night, and it's
like one none sketch comedy is dead and too none
of us are on it, and then all of a
sudden it's number one chart. It's a solo project. It's
(06:38):
a solo project. You keep calling it that, which even
hurts our feelings more because it's like acknowledging that you
didn't use you know what the word solo means? Yes,
what is it? Seri? What does the word solo mean?
What the fund is that? That? This thing? It's just
Joey your your your album blew up? We know it, Okay,
everybody knows it. It's all over, Holly, would we see
(07:00):
it everywhere? What happened to old you? Though? I never changed,
I never changed as a guest, I never met um.
But what Mr Pollard tells me about him is stop
calling him Mr Polan. I'm just saying, I'm just saying
what what Everything he said was great? But I do
have to agree with everybody like it's not a solo album.
(07:22):
There's a lot of you know, I just want to
take a second, and I am still mad at Joey,
but Mark, what you're honestly like walking a line that's
driving me crazy. Mark has more actual credits with anybody
here except for Mr Pollock. That's right, and I've got
up calling him Mr Pold. I just feel like he
deserves a voice. Okay, Sirie name off all of our credits.
(07:46):
Sirie Basketball, What the hold on a second, there's something wrong,
wins lots of awards, Obviously, Mr Pollock, Obviously this is
this was a good idea because we need to we
need help. Yeah, you guys see now the interaction and yeah, sorry,
but I gotta make a little detour. It looks like
someone's wrong with the radiator, so I gotta take this
(08:08):
little bad boy off track. All right, So it might
be a little alone, but there's a nice little diner
and auto shop my note about not too far from here. Okay,
we're going to the dinner. Have gluten free? Oh my gosh, yes,
m yeah, I've gotten given a cupcake again. Eat. Okay. Yeah,
so I'm just gonna pull her over and then we'll
(08:30):
do Hi. How many in your party? We'd like? Separate
separate tables, Please, separate tables individually. Like to sit alone? Correct?
I mean it's a solo project. Seriously, I'd like to
sit with everybody. Can we put you at the counter, Yes,
you can put Mark? Can you right on? Polick? You
can put a seat on Mr Polls Dick for that guy. Okay,
(08:51):
that's un necessary that we've got children. I'm gonna need
a table for twelve because I got my on charge
with me. Oh my god? How did you call? Them?
Are all in your part? They're coming? That's one? So
the other eleven? How many other after twelve? What the
fuck is going on? You got shitty service around here? Okay? Man?
(09:14):
Got a piste? Yeah, yeah, sometimes you just gotta go.
I know. Hey, I just want to say I think
this is a really good idea. Don't look at my Cather, No,
I'm sorry. I just meant to say I think this
is a good idea. Thanks man, I appreciate it. Like
we've been, your energy has always been positive. I've made
note of it. It's on your permanent record, and I
just wish it would spread. Are you Moishah? Yeah? Hey,
(09:35):
how's it gone? Great? Dick? Great? Catherine? Thank you, thanks big, big, massive,
huge fan. Thank you so much. Season three was better
than season two? Or or I think they're all awesome
their own way honestly. Okay, do you need me to
sign something? Yeah? Sure, yeah, you're from here. Oh no, no,
(10:01):
he's driving through and uh, I can't believe my luck.
I'll not get an Instagram video like alive with you
can not do that guy in the bathroom, That guy
I did a couple of costart. What do you mean
you're saying that James Heeney is is in the wheel
well or in the radiator? What what do you mean?
(10:22):
I mean that he's in the car somewhere and we
can't get him out. Okay, so we got a little
demon in there running around messing up my car. He's
our favorite demon though, and we love him. So if
you could just find him and remove him from the car.
That getting Hey, I came to you to do that.
I thought there was some wrong my radiator, and then
I get a little thing that says, hey, actually there's
a demon. He has a name James Heeney, and he's
(10:44):
in there. He's apparently your favorite because of all these
problems with my mechanics inside. So I need I need
to know what's going on all right? Why why do
you need to know? Because my the bus is sucking up?
What do you mean, man, I had to pull up. Hey, Mark,
you having coffee? Huh yeah, I'm still glad you're here.
Thanks man, it's it's it's really good. Always come. I
feel like you and I connect because we're like actors first,
(11:05):
you know what I mean. You know what I mean,
because we're like, you know, like we understand the craft
and like comedy is comedy. It's fine, that's fine, it's fine,
that's fine. Sure, but you and I were like, we
want more from this, you know, And I feel like
anytime you need anybody to like read with you or
is this a script if you want to read? Yes, yeah, yeah,
(11:27):
I get you started with refilling coffee. Refiling coffee, okay,
thank you so much? And um all just I'm good. No,
not not, it's okay, refeeling coffee and nothing for the
skinny man. That's right. Thank you. You look good. You
(11:47):
could eat. You can stay. Yeah, you can have some
food if you want to have some food, pilot season,
you can eat. Why are you just like I've been
working my hests off in this honey? How did the
harvest looking good? All these pilots are coming up where
(12:07):
we got, we got We're going to save the bar.
It's working, Yes it is. The pallets are growing, Yes
they are, Dan Dan, Dane Da Dy Violence. We're gonna
We're gonna have a big dance in the bar. Okay,
everybody's going to banking. Hey, man, Marcus, like I'm talking
(12:33):
my ear off. It seems like you went over there
because I feel like bad for him. So how's the
how's the theater going? Oh it's going really great? My egg? Nice?
I was thinking, um, you know, if if you needed
because I know, like Joey did some stuff over there sometimes.
Is that right? That seems that's getting really thin, Chris,
(12:55):
what're getting really thin? Thank you? I meant it in
a sad way. Yes, bad, sad bad rat Listen to Vanessa.
I'm not doing great. If I'm being honest, I'm not
doing great. What are you crying? I just need a
fucking bone, you know what I mean? Don't be a
motherfucking bone can get up on that stage? Um doesn't, doesn't.
(13:19):
Just I'm trying to finish my egg on the bus
and I'm going to be sitting and not. I'm uncomfortable.
You know what, I'm talented, I know, Um, you just
think about that. Okay, Okay, I will thank you, christ
I love you so much. Okay, how nice? Yeah, no,
look what, I don't care how much it costs. Okay,
(13:43):
if it's plated in gold, then it's going to be
good for the music. Joey. Okay, joe a second. And
if there's something else that we can do, all right,
can we get another milkshake over here? Joey second? Man?
And yes the milk. Take your friends here yet, Yeah,
they're coming. Okay, keep the same. Yes, I do, thank
(14:03):
you very much. Is there something you need? Yeah? Okay, yeah.
So what I'm thinking is is that we can yes,
funds not on what the fuck? Oh sweet Joey, dude,
Oh I got one a day. This is weird. Dude.
By the way, I love those fucking those easies you're wearing.
Those are sick dude. Um fu, dude, it just feels good.
(14:27):
I feel like I remember I was. You look bad man,
you look really sick of ship. I was thinking remember,
like to remember back in the day we were just
sucking around, dude, just have fun. I missed those days.
You know what you want to like around dude, Maybe
we could do like like we could do something, you know.
I was thinking like good afternoon. Right, it could be
(14:49):
like a new sketch thing, because I love you know,
I love sketch comedy, dude, and like you and me
could like just sucking, like just go at it, you know,
cut all that loose, cut, all that Wait, funny, dude,
he needs a fucking bitch, Craig, you know what I mean?
Are you talking to me? No, dude, I was just
hanging out. Okay, do you need something? Not dude? Hell, yeah, Hey, okay,
(15:11):
I'll see you later, dude, But you really just up there?
He is not well hey Mr Pollock, Hey is uh?
I see you sitting out here? Yeah? Seeing me? Okay,
he's still in the wheel. Well, we can't find him.
Mechanics not being helpful at all. And I'm worried about,
you know, because he's all got all that energy and
I think he drives sort of like the backbeat of
(15:32):
the entire show. But I mean as a I'm not
here all the time as a guest. I just want
to clearly here in the mustache, right, Yes, yeah, okay,
that's what I thought. Yeah, I just checking. Yeah, well, no,
it's good to be to be confident. Yeah, but he's
but he's you know, he's in the bus like its
trapped in the wheel well somewhere. I don't know where
(15:54):
he's trying. I'm just saying he's in. His energy is
in the bus somewhere. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Man so good at this right? His energy is in
the bus. His mustache isn't his? Hey, do you have
an update on when the bus is going to be ready?
Honestly we're gonna wait on the priest or something. It
needs to be exercised. The bus needs to be exercised. Yeah,
(16:15):
there's a demon, James Heeney. It's inside the bus. Oh
my god, of course he is. Do you know about this?
I know? Do you have you ever put potatoes in
your bus? Potatoes? Yeah? There there was a hashbrown machine.
He's been back there, that's what it is. If he
can even smell the damn things, he's gonna squirrel up inside.
(16:36):
Daddy cannot get five dollars. Yeah, but has he been
on the bus? Where were you working on the streets,
working on the seats. I did not see him. Yeah,
that's the point. You're not supposed to see him. But yeah,
he's working. Well there he is. Yeah, Well we removed
the Hashbrown machine, so some of the seats were loosen
(16:57):
here you sorry. Yeah, a lot of people say we
look alike. You did look exactly alike. Disturbing. He is
taller and older than you, So you know that there's
an animal demon. No, no, no, I we I know James,
and I also know if there's been a trace of
hash brown, he's going to be trying to get up
to where that is going to be burning at that
(17:18):
So if you can find the you know the area
that the hashbrown machine was located in, well, yeah, that's
where he was going to be the center of the bus.
There was an oil catch that got all the hi
ms him. Can I get um this? Yeah, thank you
so much, if you don't mind Chris dash Alvarado dot com.
(17:42):
There wasn't like I couldn't get Chris Alardo for some reason.
Somebody else had that one. It's a musician, what kind
of music? I don't listen, but I get tagged on
his stuff all the time on Instagram. That's at Chris Alrodo.
I got I got that one. Hey do you are you? Um?
Do you have any interest other than being a perform mark?
(18:04):
Because you know there's a lot of other careers out there.
I don't say that there's a lot of other careers
you could go into. What's fun? Um ta ta I am.
I made this kind of bet, this kind of commitment
to myself into the fucking devil himself, that I would
rather die chasing this dream then give up. Take up
(18:30):
pretty loose? Are you getting enough nutrition? Your teeth are
shaking in your mail? I don't think you should. I
think you should go into a different work. What else
can I do? I do in this and I like it?
This crylf No, thank you everyone in this whole restaurant.
(18:54):
So yourself. Just talent. I've got ooks, I've got things.
I've got is Chris, Okay, shut up? Shut up. I'm sorry,
You're right, I'm look fine. You got you guys. You
(19:18):
guys seem like something you have to deal with within
the family. Here. I'll just mark, We're not a family.
Stop making this thing. Man, do I hate this vacation?
I hate this vacation. I don't know. It just seems
like Mr Pollock's created a really nice family. What is
wrong with you? You have a real job. Why then
do you want from us? Man? What do you want
(19:39):
from us? What do you want to take from us?
I just you know what, I couldn't want to take
anything sick that guys, and we have him around, can
we want to be around? He's poisoning us. We're all
doing the best we can have a family that this
podcast is supporting, So I have to make it work.
I've lost ten of my friends on the road. They're
probably you didn't have those friends, SERI, where are my friends?
(19:59):
Your phone? Not even what the funk is this? It's
a piece of tile, yeah it is. It's a new update. No,
it's not Joey. You guys got some ship to work out.
I'm gonna go outside and see if I can find
James in the van by Mark. Going to really miss you.
You're so fun. It's an update, Okay, an update. Hey,
(20:19):
James is me? It's Chris. Is that. I'm so glad
I got to talk to you. You're in the hatchbag man.
You know, James, I was thinking you and I are
a lot of like it Like it's like you and
(20:44):
I were not good at accents. You know, we don't
do much character works, so to speak, but we love it.
But that smell you want me to join you in there? James.
I'm down. I'm gonna do a little collab. Collaboration Kevin,
(21:06):
Kevin looks udy. Something's wrong with Chris. I just heard
James is in the bus or something like that. We
gotta cancel with k cancel it. Yes, I've already paid
for it. There's no canceling. You've already paid for what.
Everyone have a cupcake and a juice and I gotta
eat basketball basketball. This is what you paid for. Okay, Well, pitching,
(21:27):
do you need to go somewhere and be somewhere? Yeah?
I do. Actually, okay, I got a music video to shoot,
Thank you very much. Okay, all right, Yeah, and it's
a gold Lamborghini. I'm gonna be driving around. I think
about that for a second. Someone rent the gold Lamborghini.
I don't know how it works, okay, but what I
do know is that I gotta be there. Okay, alright.
(21:47):
See number one is called Siri. Where's my basketball? I
love you guys, any representation. I'm doing great, and I
love this this and we are a family life and
you're part of the I love that everyone felt that
to apologize. That's pretty beautiful. Seen to comes from Patreon
(22:15):
VP Nicholas from Munich, who wrote, as many people across
this wonderful world of ours I live for your podcast.
It's a way of sunlight in the desert of monotony
and pony frolicking on the planes of madness, and a
metaphor usually short of resolution. Well, there you have it.
Thank you for articulating what we've all been thinking. My
(22:35):
suggestion is the couple visits a hotel only to find
bats in the hallway, a mouse running out of her drawer, reception,
and the concierge thinks he's a wizard. Most of this
is based on a true story from my life. Wow.
Thank you Nicholas from Munich. Next please hi, Yes, would
you like to check in? Yes? The reservation should be
(22:57):
under Harper Harper, I did. It's so sweet our first
name or last last name? Last name? Last night? That
h A R P E R. We made the reservations
three months ago. I should have been through. Uh. Expiliaia expilia.
(23:18):
It's just a different is it. That's different problem. We've
been having issues with expilia, So okay, well it's a
we do. We do have a couple of rooms available
I reserved. I can show you the receipt that I
paid for. You know what showed me the receipt. We're
still going to have the same issue, sir. Does anybody
else work here or is it just the one we're
(23:42):
being handled? I work here. I could take your bags
for you. That's our concerge. Thank you very much. Yeah,
thank you, Stevie. Can you help this gentleman please? It's Steven.
He doesn't like a NICKI own nickname. Um uh yeah.
(24:03):
So here's the receipt. I see the email, sir, But
I'm just telling you paper trail as well. So as
I said, we have a couple of rooms. We just
don't have a reservation, right, So that's I paid for
the suite, right, you paid for it in advance? Yes,
that must be the problem. Okay, all right, I don't understand.
(24:25):
Why is that a problem? If I made you need
my magic skittles, Stephen, no one. I shall go back
to my bag hole. Do you know where you're taking those?
I don't haven't checked any like do I guess I
shall keep them with me in the bag hole. You know.
I don't mean to interrupt, but but you are sorry.
And what's going on here? It's like an episode of
(24:46):
Seinfeld right where he's like reservation, like, what's the point
of a reservation? Here's my car, duncan Jacoby you make tires,
I make tires. I'm the tired king, so I speak
Mr Jacoby. We trying to get our sweet secured. Mr.
We have your sweet ready. Of course, thank you so much.
(25:06):
More bags you're bringing more bags, Yes, I've got more bags.
Take these bags, e fash, Take these bags, hide them,
hide them well for the owners. Shall be back for them.
Forth with. I'll go back out there and see if
(25:30):
I'm assuming it's the usual room. Yes, of course it
rif which room is? It is the one way you reserved, reserved,
it's our anniversary. I understand it. Turn to my name,
Harper made it expla No, it's not fine because you're
not handling it. As I said, we do have a
room for both of you, and be happy to the
(25:52):
one room, one room, two beds. And before you go,
I have something for you as well. I have a
discount on tires if you ever need something. And of
course that generosity is one of the reasons that we
can we exchange these for our room. I don't want ties,
but I do want to room. There are you a
national chain because I don't live in Cincinnati. No Cincinnati
(26:14):
specific but okay, well I don't we don't have a Yeah,
we'll look at the slogan. If you're not in Cincinnati,
you can't get tires. So it's pretty cut and dry.
So ever in Cincinnati swinging by the ould tire king
and yeah, we're not in Cincinnati. I can't. No, we're not. Sorry.
(26:37):
It's just like the card says, we can't get ties. Amen,
think about that night. Here's a not in Cincinnati, you
can't get Hain't that the truth? That's the greatest slogan
I've ever heard. I just want to make sure I
gotta correct. Hey, pro tip, the venom machine on floor
six is God Hotel with ending the yes on every floor.
(27:04):
I thought it was romantic. Yeah, I thought we would
have like what happens in the room is none of
our business if you want to get romantic. But out
in the hallway, if you'd like some Dan a Nutter
butter for someone to get romantic. That's the concierge. I
can show you every wonderful restaurant in the city of Cincinnati.
(27:24):
You know what, when some that no one knows why
don't we do that? Why don't we just hold the
bags here for a second. Well, you're going to figure
out that room and let let's just let's see what. Yeah,
what While they're doing one step, mush, bring the book.
This is my bat rush. You must just drop it
(27:49):
in my hat. Just drop it, just drop it in
my head. Don't get away from from to drop it
into your cave anyway. Take a look at this book here,
it's got directions to the recommendations or PF chang. This
(28:14):
whole thing is a bit of a bumma, isn't it. Yeah?
I thought Cincinnati was like hub of fine food and
fine Hini. We have room service tony four hours if
you'd like go guess yeah, I guess that's what he means.
Our chef is one Michelin star. Right, Yes, you should
try his three way Chili's three way, thank you, Stevie
free Why chilly three white chili, three chili, getty and cheese.
(28:43):
It's the way we can do, my wife, thank you.
If it's in one bowl, it's one way. That's the
way it is, exactly. Chi tried to explain to Stevie
many times. The customer is always right in this case,
you are right. Yes, I'd like to go right until
s battles. I'm sorry, excuse, I'd like to order some food.
(29:04):
What would you like? I'd like to get the well,
you know, for the chili, right for the ChIL I'd
like to try the chili. Please, and let the chef
know I'm not part of We are out of three
way chili. Interesting, Well, let the chef know that I'm
not part of Michelin Tires. I shall let the chef now,
(29:27):
thank you. Maybe you can get that chili going. I
couldn't help it over here. Okay, you're not part of
Michelin Tire. Let's just say I'm not part of Michelin Tires.
A lot of funny coincidence. Have you ever seen the
movie Rather Tui? The action movie? No, no, no, no,
(29:47):
the cartoon rap food movie. Uh, the movie I'm thinking of.
It's Bruce Willis. Okay, no, no, no, damn man? May
I take your bag? No? I prefer to hold onto it.
I'm not a health inspector. Oh can I get a
different table? This? It seemed to just pony up to
(30:08):
my table edge one single. I'm not part of Michelin Tires.
Oh is a cocktail hour down here. Hey everybody, how
you doing? Mr Jacobe? I am the tire king, and
you are not with Michelin Tires, not with michel Good
to know, because let me tell you something. Michelin Tire
can suck a dick. You know what I mean? It's
good here all the way really for the all weather stuff. Here,
here's my car. Here's my car. Thanks and Cincinnati face.
(30:31):
This could be great for me, lucky for you. What
do you do? I don't health inspect I don't have
a microscope and a black light in my duffel. Oh nice, nice, nice,
And you don't. You aren't part of Michelin Tire. I'm
not part of Michelin Tire is either in the tire
sector or their food department. Because that me to clear
how I feel about Michelin. Right you did? I love
how tight the tables are here. Come in alone, weave
(30:53):
with friends. That's what it says on the card. Here
at the hotel, you guys, I want to see something
pretty cool? Sure, hey Stevid, Yes, Mr Jacobe, can you
bring in some more friends for us? Maybe little furry ones? Nuts?
This is pretty nuts. I'll just tell you what he's
about to do. He's about to let one mice run
(31:14):
across this table. I told you the last boy scout,
the last boy scouts. Okay, we're closing it down and
closing it down. Here's my badge. I was lying earlier.
I'm a smooth criminal like the Michael Jackson's song, and
I am the michelin man who sh whiplash from that.
(31:40):
I still am, like I said before, the tire king
of Cincinnati. And what's you say on your card? Uh?
If it's not in Cincinnati, it's not. What's going on
in here? Oh? Just playing with mice, playing with mars
is disgusting. I don't know, it's compliments of Stephen here, Stephen,
what a mice? Mice? Or I have to shut this
(32:04):
place down, everybody. What do you mean is it's seven
hundred dollars for one tire? Yeah? I'm sorry you just
what a weird sentence you said? It's seven for one
of the best tires that have ever Okay, no, no,
I'm sorry, too late, too late, Like it's just already
(32:25):
on your car. Kevin, we gotta go into the place. Okay,
we talk, who's Kevin? Kevin Paul? Like, we gotta get
somewhere else the I'm gonna finish something. What are you
talking about? I don't know. The University of Miami beingo baby,
you guys have a discount that's five percent off off. Hey, hey,
jim Man, we're getting it ties and no when I
(32:51):
thought so too. Okay, Kevin's gone. I guess I'm in
charge here. You're supposed to get times for Kevin pil Yeah,
I understand that. Why don't you get some because you're
seven h fucking dollars? Okay, Sirie, how much tire supposed
to be? What the fuck? A voice? Keep changing? God? Dad, Look,
why are you here? Why am I here? I'm on
a vacation from hell? Okay, Okay, I'm dying every single
(33:12):
god damn day. I've been living off basketball juice and
basketball fibers. Okay, okay, that's my digestion. Tell me cleans
it out, cleans it. I'm actually never felt better. Okay.
I say, if you look right here, sir, and the
X ray, you'll see these little tiny circle things, um
and the lab says they're basketball related. You think about
(33:33):
that lab here might be basketball is inside of your belly.
You can just bring lab in here, there's a lab
here at the hospital. Yeah. Oh, what's the thing. I'm sorry,
I think like a guy named Lab or a woman
named Lab was like, why would you think that? I
don't know, I said, Lab said this right, Okay, I'm interested.
Why you went for a male first. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Uh,
no reason, no reason, I'm really interested. You haven't made
(33:55):
eye contact with me, jenks this whole time, Lab sounded masculine.
It just sounded. Lab sounded masculine, even though Lab is
the beginning of labia. Oh, Ed, I was thinking, Uh,
what were you thinking? Labastiling? That's what I was thinking,
which made me think of masculine. You been eating basketball, sir,
we've reason to believe that arrest almost almost do this close. Yeah,
(34:19):
we have another issue though. The basketballs are filled with semen.
Uh there's a little pouches of semen in the form
of a basketball. Surely you saw that coming. Am I
on arrest? Am I free to go? Hey Steven, it's
it's me, Mr Jacoby. Yes, Mr Jacobey, what can I
do for you? I'm as usual, I'm lonely. Well. I
(34:43):
I'm terribly sorry to hear that I did not know
you had my home address. I guess I should evash evash.
It's all right, it's all right. It's just Duncan Jacoby
the Tire King of Cincinnati. You know what, I'm so
tired of that title. Do you wish another title? Here?
(35:07):
It's Duncan Jacoby the Tire King of Cincinnati. Here's his card.
I have his card. Steven, come to bed, Duncan. It's
very late. It's just you live such an interesting life,
and I'm a wizard? Is that what it is? You can't?
Are you that in person? You were just feign we'll
(35:29):
all foreign people are wizards? Do you not know this?
That's what? Yeah? Okay, Steven the bats, miss you? All right,
change me? Change you? Did you soil yourself? No? No,
I mean make me something that I'm not all right,
I don't want to be me anymore. Okay, well fine,
just sit here, okay and drape this over you and
(35:54):
things like p Well it's been at Chris Alvarado, and
I will as soon as I pull this off, it
will you will be something that you were not before.
Make him bald. Yeah, that's that's actually pretty funny. Missus Jakobe,
I old people of the Tire Kingdom. We have sad
(36:19):
news today. Duncan Jacoby has to king. Don't say it
is no more? Know what's happened to him? He has
gotten bald because relinquished the crown success. Will you let
me do this? I mean, I'm just trying to cry.
(36:41):
Interrupt me, you know what? You know what Forget it
and we'll just figure it out. Oh now you need me?
Oh I have to go to or is it going
to be listen? Oh do we need a new town? Cry?
Oh no, we're not doing that. Okay, we don't need
a new town. Cry good and she's good. Shed cry
(37:03):
then cry, don't cry? What happened to Duncan Jacobe? Duncan
Jacobe is no more? The new king of tires. Will
buying Michelin that big puffy man that's right now, garden
bed all as well? I like this one. Yeah, donut,
(37:27):
She's got more things like that if you want to
get him around your finger, idiot. Oh my god, you're
going to be the only town crying like there's no competition,
and everybody's competition here. Oh my god, my god, my god,
I'm I'm checking that place. Yes, how is your stament
(37:49):
duncan not great, No, you went bold? Can I just
check our place? Skin shine man? You ma'am please, we
had a horrible nut sleep. We'd sleep into twin bits.
I've only not about us because I tried to go
to your hotel restaurant. There was rats on the type.
(38:10):
I explain, we're doing the best we can run where
my husband is well. We can talk to Stephen about that.
It's a concertge. I want to talk to Stephen because
that's who I saw in the restaurant with the rats
running all over, and he was their king. I don't think.
And this man is bald. It seems like a slight exaggeration,
although the ball parksoners to be true. Uh so much, Checobe,
Thank you so much for coming, and we'll do our
(38:31):
best the next time. Year you did find it was
my fault. What happened? I wanted a change. Oh, we
shouldn't have picked balls here bags um, so thank you. Wait,
don't go anywhere at yours. That's unnecessary, quite generous. You
didn't have to tip Stephen. Sure it did customary? Did
(38:53):
we overby? Oh? Is that right? Sure? I would maybe
maybe let Stephen like what's going on between these two. Oh,
another foreigner. You're also a wizard. Of course you are.
Of course I am wizard Jake, one of the one
(39:13):
of the siblinghood. Oh yeah, right, I should it just
you know, potioned up a room. Yeah, I forgot. That
would have been great. Then you guys could have had
more than just to embars the sleeping well. I promised
my husband that I wouldn't do will lacking wizarding anymore.
I'm a girl, so witching. I guess freakazoid is your husband.
(39:35):
Yet he didn't have a good knock sleep. No, this
is what happened. I don't know. I don't know. I
wish I could explain it. You just do not know.
There's a spell to turn him back to normal. Oh sure,
here it's written on this This is Mr Jacoby's business.
(40:00):
It's on the back. It's on the back. Maritas, unless
you's Cincinnati, unless you're from Cincinnati. That you just canceled
it up. And that scene too, So please when it tracks,
(40:23):
it track it does. Listener David who wrote, Hey, y'all,
huge fan of the show since day one, But for
all my enthusiasm, my partner still hasn't caught the out
of me. This bug. My solution to the Squandrey is
you guessed it a scene suggestion. One of my favorite
characters of all time is Joey's Hold the Door character.
(40:44):
Hold the Door. Yep, there we go. But honestly, anytime
Joey shot something in the background, it's hilarious. That's true.
I think we all agree. My suggestion is this we
see a day in the life of the Hold the
Door guy. I trust you can take it from there.
Much love, David Strout, Uh, Sarah, thanks for coming in.
We just wanted to go over a couple of things
(41:05):
about your recent at That one right there in the
middle is good. It says here that you you worked.
You worked at McDonald's, and you worked at Burger King,
and you worked Larry's House of pank the seat in
the middle place. So my confusion is, what did you do?
Let's at the seat in the center, the center seats.
(41:28):
If you don't want to see in the center, that's
also fine. Larry, Yeah, I got I got nothing. Mike,
you're the one that wanted to call this guy in.
I said it was a bad idea from the start.
I just well wanted to see why you thought it
was a bad idea. You're you're seeing it right now.
He's been wandering the corners of this room for ten minutes.
(41:52):
But no, no, go ahead, Mike, hire this guy. Let's see,
let's eat. Is he? Is he hungry? Now? I think
the sort of get up and go attitude that we
need here. What why? Why? Tell me why? This guy's
energy is what we need. You don't know what to expect.
It keeps coming at you with new ship all the time.
(42:12):
We're ant. Wow, so nice to meet you. Your profile
was very interesting and you are better looking than your picture.
My day, Yes, I like when you say that, Hi,
we have a reservation. Okay, what name is it under?
I think you made the reservation. You're my day? What
(42:35):
name is it under? Sweeart? I'm sorry, sweetheart, that was fast.
That was no understand. I'm sorry I didn't I got
to agree with your date the brakes. Okay, you're pushing
me away from you now. I thought we were having
a good we'll have steak okay, you guys are gonna
(42:56):
have steak or we'll have steak. Okay. I'm not actually
your server and just the hostess, but I can pass that.
We're back. Um, we're gonna have to have we have
a policy that the people at the restaurant. Can you
start making eyes at him? I am not making eyes
at walking with a gorgeous man. And now you can
man seem to not even understand that he's with you.
(43:17):
He's doing his own thing. I think he's talking to
me first. I'm sure he is. Go ahead and talk.
My shift doesn't til eleven until eleven. Are you open
late to eleven? Wow? This is I made it back
to your room. This is a nice place. Snakes, you
(43:43):
are a while. Oh wait, there's actual wild snakes. Snakes
can ask your question? Was that? Am I prettier than
that hostess we were talking to earlier? Ou? Ouch? Okay,
I mean I'm getting midden a bunch. Are these poisonous?
It's your face? What's happening? It's your face? What's helped me?
(44:08):
What's your faid? Back? Again? Well, I'm just locking up,
and then I was going to go home, but I
see you after your date. So the door. Oh, I
can't let you into the restaurant. I'm locking up. But
if you want to go get a drink or something,
I know a few bars that are so okay, Okay,
I can't let you into the restaurant. I'm locking up.
(44:30):
I will get in big trouble from my boss A
door I can't. Oh, oh okay, I asked you to
lock up, but we're having trouble here. It's just fellaw
giving you some Greek the door. Sure, I don't know
what your deal is, but we gotta lock up now.
We're closed all the door. Yeah, yeah, I understand you, Jim,
(44:54):
I don't understand him, all right, stamp slippery floor, Sarah? Uh?
Do you we need to call somebody? We're worried about you?
Is there something we can call? Sure, I understand you're
not bad looking, feller, But where can we Do you
need a ride? Can we take you somewhere? Work closed?
(45:15):
All right, We'll get you downtown, Debor, do you mind
taking them downtown? I'm scared. Okay, we don't, Debor can't
take you. I've got a pickup truck, but Junior is
gonna bring it by to pick me up in about
an hour, so if you can wait, you can go
with the even better. Okay, how's it going, buddy? Welcome
to the jetpot? Okay, col you need a drink some milk?
(45:39):
I'm sorry months that they want some milk, some milk.
I thought, that's what I heard. I don't need clarification.
I was just, what's that clarification? I said, alright, Jesus
to ask me, I don't care what I am. You
take here, Hey, Jeff, you want me to kick this
guy out for road of the milk? I don't know.
(46:00):
I'm not. I'm not on the I'm not I'm not
serving him anymore. I guess you guess. I like you.
I like you a lot. Everything about you. I like it.
Start me crazily. What do you want to do? Some milk?
I want some milk too. Let's go find the count
to suck on. Come on, get on my back on
(46:23):
the workouts. Sit down right here? Which chair, for God's sake, Look,
we got to talk to you about a situation. Uh,
the just the closest one to me, the one that's
under the light, The only chair in this room. There's
(46:44):
one chair, it's underneath a light. We can do this
the hard way. We can do it's the easy way.
My partners, trying to make it clear to you, trying
to make it clear thinking. Can you just sit down,
please just share, have a seat. Tell us about the
girl with the snakes. You know what, you don't have
to say. Do tell us about the girl? What? Stay
standing if you want. Oh is this interrogation or being used? Yes?
(47:08):
Be well so far we're both pretty good. Yeah, so far.
What we're doing Northern coup Southern cup? Oh okay, that's
a fun one. I'm going to go next door and
do um, you know, distraught alcoholic detective. Cool. Okay, no,
do not hold the door. Close the door. Well I
can't not. That's weird, all right, you know what, just
(47:31):
close it you you know what, maybe maybe it'll it'll
loosen your tongue a little bit if we throw you
in a cell for a little while. Something. You're going
to do the alcoholic yes, single mom, Yeah, I'll do
the very gentile southerner. So someone will come in so
(47:53):
welcome sit down? Which, yeah, but it's the only one
Jay that chair? Which chair? Oh my god, I gotta
pick up my kid in twenty minutes. Hey, you know
what I'm done with this guy from room too. You
take him in here, you interrogate him. I don't know much,
but I know we're not supposed to mix them all. Oh, gentlemen, please,
(48:17):
which let's start with your names? Are you Clark Pateman, pancakes? Okay,
I can't be a name cood got I need a drink,
of course, I'll tell you what if you're Clark Pateman
Blank Pancakes, that's not a blank? And what was your name? Sir?
Are we tonight? Is it tonight? When they both have
(48:40):
I don't know how to handle this. And he saw
me doing my other character. He saw me out of character.
You know what's going in there, so he knows I'm
just doing the thing their master man's maybe that's what
it is, their criminal master. It is unsettling. I can't
get my balance. No, let's try another text. So I'm
gonna be getting off work about seeing menutes. Do you
(49:01):
want to come to my place? What do you think
they're tough? Guy? I have to sleep me too. First,
keep talking to you. That's the feeling I get rigid place.
First We're going to try the rough house just to
see what I mean talking to you. He was telling
(49:22):
me to hold the door, but I don't think he
ever wanted me to hold the door. It's super unsetled.
It's disconcerted. Hey, Jem, nice to see you in the office.
You headed up to what's floor? Yeah? Always, most people
don't have their floor, their team. But this building, well,
you know it's the only building town. That's why I
got the job here. You know it's so nice. Yeah cool, um, okay,
I'm going up as well'n't help it over here. I'm
(49:45):
sorry you say it's the only building in town with
Oh I freaked out. I just moved here and I thought,
my god, this nice welcome went for Are you on
fourteen right? Love us? Somebody got here into town and
moved up quickly in the war, sir, Yes, work close
(50:07):
the door, okay, yeah, it's it'll be closing it on
its own seconds on the floor? Wait, what? God? What? What? What?
There's snakes? What? I think he's just messing around because
maybe he's so far away from us, he's I can
barely hear what he's saying. Is he saying, hold the door, closed,
the door on the floor? Snakes on the floor? No,
(50:28):
he must he must be saying there's a mistake on
the floor, something about the wrong Why is the door closing?
And why are those cops chasing after him? Close the
door riding? What is happening right now? Wait? He's full,
He's gonna milk mustard. My god, there's a woman riding
he's got a milk mustache and these cops are shooting
at him. Close the doors. The doors. The door, it's closing. Okay,
(50:49):
it's closing. It's closing. It's closing. It's closing. Every time.
I fel too. But just don't put your hands on
your back. Everybody, just just well the door. Sorry, his
(51:11):
hands behind his back. Okay, okay, okay, your head us
to us. I don't know, I don't want to. You
know what this is the problem with having a building
with the four thirteen on it. I know where happens.
I can't believe they put the precincts. Okay, hands water
in the court order in the court, all right, if
(51:33):
one of you would please just step forward and readdress
the story of what you believe happened in the elevator
that day. Well the court, sir, we'll get to your recess.
I know what he says, doesn't go. I'm the lawyer. Okay,
can you please tell the court what it is why
(51:54):
we're here. My client was on the elevate. That's a break,
for sure. I think on break. We're not on hold.
You in contempt with three more outbursts. You got you've
been there we go. I like your style, Judge. My
client was on the elevator of the day of the altercation. There,
that's one. Two more. There were strange, far off, authoritative
(52:16):
voices giving commands that humans are designed to respond to exactly,
And that's two. Can you point to who this voice
was coming? It's that man that's always far away, that
far away. You could barely see him. You could barely
see him over there. I don't know why he's standing
at the back of the court, could barely. He shouldn't
be allowed to do that. He should be sitting where
he's supposed to sit. That's that's all right, Sorry, pal,
(52:37):
contempt a court. Luck you in the cell right here,
and you ain't coming out anytime soon. Hold the door, okay,
you go? Hey, where's the prisoner? I said, hold the door,
so I opened it for it. Why get that? I
get it? I get it very persuasive. You want a
cheese steak, I'd love it cheese with that's right, Um.
(53:05):
I didn't mean to throw everything into it into a
dead stop steak whiz w yeah, cheez whiz instead of
provolone with with with onions and peppers. Is that a
Philly thing? Yeah, it's a Philly thing. I understand. Sorry,
I was playing north cop not everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we did let the guy go, right, wiz kid.
I didn't let him go. I just held the door
(53:25):
he left. I mean, I guess technically I let him go.
I wonder where a man like that goes, and and
everywhere he goes, people leave the door. I think. So
Hi there, Hi there, buddy, Hi, everybody. Come on closer, buddy,
(53:48):
it's me from the bar. Are you so far away?
I know it's you can get some milk. You can
get some milk. That's rot, but it's all right. Come on, man,
come on, bunny, get some mil so far white. Come on.
This cow is Lincoln, so he's got plenty for you, Bunny.
(54:10):
Come on, it's great. Can I get some? So he's
driving for come all over here. Cow's not gonna come
to you, honey. You know' piggyback rod I get you
ain't piggyback rod get. I'm glad you'd come to see me.
(54:30):
I'm a therapist and I deal with a lot of
you know issues. The number one thing I'm seeing here
is that you're very far away from everybody close to you.
You're far away from me right now. I think that
speaks to maybe you feel unworthy. Maybe you feel like
if become close, people won't like you as much. I
(54:52):
feel hardcore. You feel hardcore. You know that's not a
bad to feel hardcore. It's better than that feeling at all.
We have an hour or more. Why don't you come
one step closer? We have an hour or more. This
(55:13):
is good. Now, I'll take one step towards you. Okay,
you just backed up. I'm sorry. This is awkward because, well,
you're two o'clocks here, but you're you're two o'clock is
much closer to you than your current patients. So I
don't know what to do. The two o'clocks right outside
the door, but I know your patient is over there
on that one. Can you see him? I can barely,
(55:33):
but I see him. Yeah, Okay, I'm going to talk
to the two o'clock for one second. Why don't you
talk to this dude? Maybe reschedule? Also, I mean, you're
in school for this, right yeah, so take it away?
Take it away. Um, here's my notes. He feels hardcore,
which I don't. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Best of luck. All right, can we talk about my flash?
(55:58):
Are you okay? Can I fix you? Can I fix you?
Can I fix you? Can I fix you? I'd like
to fix you. Do I know you for school credit?
(56:19):
I know you for school credit? Can I fix you?
I know you? I'm new here, I'm I'm the receptionist.
I'm new here. I'm the receptionist. What do you mean
he proposed to you and now you two were getting
married and you fell deeply in love. I mean, that's
what I mean. Okay. I was dealing with the hashbrown guy.
(56:40):
He need the hashbrown guy. He's so so so so.
Last time I left you with him, he was feeling
hardcore right right right, And then we had this. We're
back and forth for a while, and then I just said,
I'm coming over there, you know, until I crossed the street.
I go up, I go up to the elevator, I
(57:01):
get out, I go on the window Silliman, there we are.
Does he let you close to him? He tried to move,
but he would there was only air. He would have died.
You know, he's on the window sill. So I had
him kind of trapped and one thing led to another
and he said, well, first of all, he signed my papers,
so I think I'm a therapist now because he signed,
I get all the school credit because he's cured, and um,
(57:22):
we're getting married. Yeah. Have you touched him, kissed him? Yeah?
Both both of those and it was great. Yeah, wow,
I would, but only after he was cured, because I
didn't want to do the client you can't do so
just just just one last thing, just just qalification. What
exactly cured him? Was it that he couldn't run anymore
(57:44):
because he would die otherwise. I think that's exactly what
it was. Yeah, Yeah, he's trapped. He trapped him, trapped him. Yeah,
congratulations on your wedding. May I take your bags? You?
I'm sorry you're very far away. That's just his that's
his thing. Do you want him to hold the bags
(58:06):
or do you want to hold your own bag? Name?
I love you. There's no scenario with this guy does
not end his life any other way than with a
bullet in his face. Ye can never get there. That's
how we do. Seen three. Thank you all for joining
us today. Joey Greer, thank thanks pal. It's always great
(58:29):
to see you. It's good to see you. Jeffy Graber
on the social webs know it right, good Night, good Night?
And uh, what is the latest review of good Night
that you're most proud of? Um ship, I guess it's
New York Times. New York Times said, why am I
still listening? Right? And I think the Time magazine said, Uh,
(58:50):
I can't believe I'm still listening. Okay, Yeah, so I
don't know that's a positive negative thinks Mark Agliarda. When
do you go back to work? So you're gonna be
leaving us? More importantly, when can you come back? I
will be back at the end of April. Yeah, well,
hopefully we'll see you then. I'd love that. Until then, folks,
and look forward to sometime in the summer. Sometimes in
(59:11):
sometime in the summer, Blood and Treasure season too, So
I'll keep you posted during bikinis during bikini season. And
what was your podcast you were talking about earlier? We
got this with Mark and Hell new episodes every Tuesday.
Thanks far Yeah, we got this with Mark and Hell,
new episodes every Tuesday. That's kind of what I'm on
right now, to be honest, I'll do it all right.
(59:34):
Vanessa Thank you so much for being and to all
of you continue to write to us UH your name
here TLCO to this dot com. We want to thank Chris,
our guest engineering, and I heart Media. We love you
all dearly until next time. And I put pepper and
(01:00:19):
I put pepper,
Wellcome back to another episode alchemy. This on your host,
Kevin Polycuest, not Kevin Pologist. No, no, you said it
was no problem. And then I said we could go
to jail, and I guess one of us did, didn't
get But I digress. Let's meet a rackamu shower particularly
please say hello, Faith, peanut butter and I like the
(00:24):
natural crunchy whatever store I'm in there such assaulted, Look
the hell out. It's Mark Gagliardio Marcus, whose name is
an extension of the Roman god of war. That's right.
(00:45):
What have you done for you lately? Do you know
what I did? Please? Got some essential oils? Keep talking
and I love them. I rubbed my feet before bed.
That's my jam. I know I'm supposed to say something,
some joke that I will rub some thieves on my
feet before bed. It is the greatest Now on your
heels or the whole foot, No like on the pad,
(01:07):
like on the one. So when you're it's an essential oil.
It uses like clove oil and rosemates. Bunch of yeah.
It was originally from the age of the bubonic plague. Joey.
Just remember when you're subpoenaed on the pads. Yeah is
the answer. Okay, okay on the pads hotchi wow, Wow,
it's Christoph Varado. Christoph ever there was Can you still
(01:32):
count to seven in French? Yes? ND twalk cat sinc sept.
Thank you, You're welcome. How did I know that last?
Cat sink sept seventh? Literally? How did I know? He
(01:53):
is wheat? So? What is? What is? No? No Spanish
twalk cat say set? I think there's a seven? Yeah,
cat sink set. Yes. Maybe you just broke in around
(02:19):
like what's going on? Nope? Do you know he Chris
just wants us to keep talking. I had no idea
that this is going to happen, and I'm so fucking happy.
Oh it looks like six, but it's cease cease set
seven skipped at last. But we'll see. You'll see what
(02:39):
happens if you think at least. Uh, there's Joey Greg
candle up. Joe, Can you tell our listeners about the
first time you went away? Yeah? Uh, you know it
was I was thinking in the third grade and I
just remember blacking out, and then I was I was
in Egypt, probably right as like the Great Pyramids being
built now, and I was I was wearing rebox uh,
(03:03):
and there was a basketball court and Farrell was like,
you gotta play for your freedom, and I was like,
this is just like Russell and John Carpenter front and
then I was like, man, I gotta do this. And
then I did it, and long story short, I was
leading a group of people out of the desert, some
kind of exodus um called jews uh, And I remember
(03:26):
thinking exodus sounds like Xbox and then I started playing
Xbox in the desert. And that's when Halo was still around,
so the original Xbox and you couldn't you had to
do like land parties, so you had to like, what
do you want to order lunch? Yeah, that sounds good. Zza.
It takes a long time, as always, especial thanks to
all of our Patreon be happy members. Those of you
(03:47):
want to be a part of the Superman group, go
to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. Almost all of
our scenes suggestions are gathered from our listeners emails. If
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here our scene ever, wonder if that comes
from Patreon v ip Lisa who wrote High Alchemists. I
(04:07):
love the show. It's my favorite of the many podcasts
I listened to. Thank you for the many hours of laughs.
That's too used to the word Mini Lisa, and the
constant need to bury my head into my desk to
stifle my laughter so I don't look like a crazy
person at the office. My favorite scenes are the ones
where you play yourselves, and my scene suggestion is as follows.
(04:28):
Kevin noticing tensions and frictions between the Alchemists, takes them
all on a team building retreat. Can't wait to see
what you do with this, cheers Lisa from New Zealand.
So remember when you, guys, when the bus finally stops,
we get off the bus. We know we get off,
get off yelling in my face and his breath smells
(04:52):
I'm on vacation. I can do whatever the hell. I
love vacation. I shouldn't be smelling this. I should be
with my family. This isn't a vacation. This is an
important thing for you. Mark. It's also want to say anything.
He's not crazy. Craig couldn't make it today to the
(05:14):
shows up, so I got I got a spot on
the retreat. Mr Pollock said I could come on the retreat.
Why did you claim? Mr Paul? Right, Jesus Christ? All right,
now you eats, gonna get one lemonade, a cupcake and
a cookie. Joey, basketball's for you? Okay, alright, wait, that's
why I get to eat and drink? Yes? Are you serious? Amos?
(05:35):
Come on, I can mess Remind Joey why he gets
to eat and drink basketballs today because he's stupid? Thank you?
Are you serious? Joey? The numbers between nine and twelve?
What about him? You don't know them. I don't need
to know that you were supposed to learn them before.
I don't need to know that. That's what computers are
for us, what the iPhone is for. That is not
(05:56):
what the iPhone is? Serious? What's the numbers between serious?
Between nine and ten and eleven? Wait there's an overlap?
Asking serious? Listen here, okay, here's here's the big issue.
If I Mr Pollock, thank you. Um, it's like we
were all friends at one point, ye and then and
(06:16):
then all we all got the shitty vacations up right
in my face. I'm sorry? Can you stop changing seats?
And then and then joy makes and then joy makes
a sketch album, yeah right, exactly good night, and it's
like one none sketch comedy is dead and too none
of us are on it, and then all of a
sudden it's number one chart. It's a solo project. It's
(06:38):
a solo project. You keep calling it that, which even
hurts our feelings more because it's like acknowledging that you
didn't use you know what the word solo means? Yes,
what is it? Seri? What does the word solo mean?
What the fund is that? That? This thing? It's just
Joey your your your album blew up? We know it, Okay,
everybody knows it. It's all over, Holly, would we see
(07:00):
it everywhere? What happened to old you? Though? I never changed,
I never changed as a guest, I never met um.
But what Mr Pollard tells me about him is stop
calling him Mr Polan. I'm just saying, I'm just saying
what what Everything he said was great? But I do
have to agree with everybody like it's not a solo album.
(07:22):
There's a lot of you know, I just want to
take a second, and I am still mad at Joey,
but Mark, what you're honestly like walking a line that's
driving me crazy. Mark has more actual credits with anybody
here except for Mr Pollock. That's right, and I've got
up calling him Mr Pold. I just feel like he
deserves a voice. Okay, Sirie name off all of our credits.
(07:46):
Sirie Basketball, What the hold on a second, there's something wrong,
wins lots of awards, Obviously, Mr Pollock, Obviously this is
this was a good idea because we need to we
need help. Yeah, you guys see now the interaction and yeah, sorry,
but I gotta make a little detour. It looks like
someone's wrong with the radiator, so I gotta take this
(08:08):
little bad boy off track. All right, So it might
be a little alone, but there's a nice little diner
and auto shop my note about not too far from here. Okay,
we're going to the dinner. Have gluten free? Oh my gosh, yes,
m yeah, I've gotten given a cupcake again. Eat. Okay. Yeah,
so I'm just gonna pull her over and then we'll
(08:30):
do Hi. How many in your party? We'd like? Separate
separate tables, Please, separate tables individually. Like to sit alone? Correct?
I mean it's a solo project. Seriously, I'd like to
sit with everybody. Can we put you at the counter, Yes,
you can put Mark? Can you right on? Polick? You
can put a seat on Mr Polls Dick for that guy. Okay,
(08:51):
that's un necessary that we've got children. I'm gonna need
a table for twelve because I got my on charge
with me. Oh my god? How did you call? Them?
Are all in your part? They're coming? That's one? So
the other eleven? How many other after twelve? What the
fuck is going on? You got shitty service around here? Okay? Man?
(09:14):
Got a piste? Yeah, yeah, sometimes you just gotta go.
I know. Hey, I just want to say I think
this is a really good idea. Don't look at my Cather, No,
I'm sorry. I just meant to say I think this
is a good idea. Thanks man, I appreciate it. Like
we've been, your energy has always been positive. I've made
note of it. It's on your permanent record, and I
just wish it would spread. Are you Moishah? Yeah? Hey,
(09:35):
how's it gone? Great? Dick? Great? Catherine? Thank you, thanks big, big, massive,
huge fan. Thank you so much. Season three was better
than season two? Or or I think they're all awesome
their own way honestly. Okay, do you need me to
sign something? Yeah? Sure, yeah, you're from here. Oh no, no,
(10:01):
he's driving through and uh, I can't believe my luck.
I'll not get an Instagram video like alive with you
can not do that guy in the bathroom, That guy
I did a couple of costart. What do you mean
you're saying that James Heeney is is in the wheel
well or in the radiator? What what do you mean?
(10:22):
I mean that he's in the car somewhere and we
can't get him out. Okay, so we got a little
demon in there running around messing up my car. He's
our favorite demon though, and we love him. So if
you could just find him and remove him from the car.
That getting Hey, I came to you to do that.
I thought there was some wrong my radiator, and then
I get a little thing that says, hey, actually there's
a demon. He has a name James Heeney, and he's
(10:44):
in there. He's apparently your favorite because of all these
problems with my mechanics inside. So I need I need
to know what's going on all right? Why why do
you need to know? Because my the bus is sucking up?
What do you mean, man, I had to pull up. Hey, Mark,
you having coffee? Huh yeah, I'm still glad you're here.
Thanks man, it's it's it's really good. Always come. I
feel like you and I connect because we're like actors first,
(11:05):
you know what I mean. You know what I mean,
because we're like, you know, like we understand the craft
and like comedy is comedy. It's fine, that's fine, it's fine,
that's fine. Sure, but you and I were like, we
want more from this, you know, And I feel like
anytime you need anybody to like read with you or
is this a script if you want to read? Yes, yeah, yeah,
(11:27):
I get you started with refilling coffee. Refiling coffee, okay,
thank you so much? And um all just I'm good. No,
not not, it's okay, refeeling coffee and nothing for the
skinny man. That's right. Thank you. You look good. You
(11:47):
could eat. You can stay. Yeah, you can have some
food if you want to have some food, pilot season,
you can eat. Why are you just like I've been
working my hests off in this honey? How did the
harvest looking good? All these pilots are coming up where
(12:07):
we got, we got We're going to save the bar.
It's working, Yes it is. The pallets are growing, Yes
they are, Dan Dan, Dane Da Dy Violence. We're gonna
We're gonna have a big dance in the bar. Okay,
everybody's going to banking. Hey, man, Marcus, like I'm talking
(12:33):
my ear off. It seems like you went over there
because I feel like bad for him. So how's the
how's the theater going? Oh it's going really great? My egg? Nice?
I was thinking, um, you know, if if you needed
because I know, like Joey did some stuff over there sometimes.
Is that right? That seems that's getting really thin, Chris,
(12:55):
what're getting really thin? Thank you? I meant it in
a sad way. Yes, bad, sad bad rat Listen to Vanessa.
I'm not doing great. If I'm being honest, I'm not
doing great. What are you crying? I just need a
fucking bone, you know what I mean? Don't be a
motherfucking bone can get up on that stage? Um doesn't, doesn't.
(13:19):
Just I'm trying to finish my egg on the bus
and I'm going to be sitting and not. I'm uncomfortable.
You know what, I'm talented, I know, Um, you just
think about that. Okay, Okay, I will thank you, christ
I love you so much. Okay, how nice? Yeah, no,
look what, I don't care how much it costs. Okay,
(13:43):
if it's plated in gold, then it's going to be
good for the music. Joey. Okay, joe a second. And
if there's something else that we can do, all right,
can we get another milkshake over here? Joey second? Man?
And yes the milk. Take your friends here yet, Yeah,
they're coming. Okay, keep the same. Yes, I do, thank
(14:03):
you very much. Is there something you need? Yeah? Okay, yeah.
So what I'm thinking is is that we can yes,
funds not on what the fuck? Oh sweet Joey, dude,
Oh I got one a day. This is weird. Dude.
By the way, I love those fucking those easies you're wearing.
Those are sick dude. Um fu, dude, it just feels good.
(14:27):
I feel like I remember I was. You look bad man,
you look really sick of ship. I was thinking remember,
like to remember back in the day we were just
sucking around, dude, just have fun. I missed those days.
You know what you want to like around dude, Maybe
we could do like like we could do something, you know.
I was thinking like good afternoon. Right, it could be
(14:49):
like a new sketch thing, because I love you know,
I love sketch comedy, dude, and like you and me
could like just sucking, like just go at it, you know,
cut all that loose, cut, all that Wait, funny, dude,
he needs a fucking bitch, Craig, you know what I mean?
Are you talking to me? No, dude, I was just
hanging out. Okay, do you need something? Not dude? Hell, yeah, Hey, okay,
(15:11):
I'll see you later, dude, But you really just up there?
He is not well hey Mr Pollock, Hey is uh?
I see you sitting out here? Yeah? Seeing me? Okay,
he's still in the wheel. Well, we can't find him.
Mechanics not being helpful at all. And I'm worried about,
you know, because he's all got all that energy and
I think he drives sort of like the backbeat of
(15:32):
the entire show. But I mean as a I'm not
here all the time as a guest. I just want
to clearly here in the mustache, right, Yes, yeah, okay,
that's what I thought. Yeah, I just checking. Yeah, well, no,
it's good to be to be confident. Yeah, but he's
but he's you know, he's in the bus like its
trapped in the wheel well somewhere. I don't know where
(15:54):
he's trying. I'm just saying he's in. His energy is
in the bus somewhere. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Man so good at this right? His energy is in
the bus. His mustache isn't his? Hey, do you have
an update on when the bus is going to be ready?
Honestly we're gonna wait on the priest or something. It
needs to be exercised. The bus needs to be exercised. Yeah,
(16:15):
there's a demon, James Heeney. It's inside the bus. Oh
my god, of course he is. Do you know about this?
I know? Do you have you ever put potatoes in
your bus? Potatoes? Yeah? There there was a hashbrown machine.
He's been back there, that's what it is. If he
can even smell the damn things, he's gonna squirrel up inside.
(16:36):
Daddy cannot get five dollars. Yeah, but has he been
on the bus? Where were you working on the streets,
working on the seats. I did not see him. Yeah,
that's the point. You're not supposed to see him. But yeah,
he's working. Well there he is. Yeah, Well we removed
the Hashbrown machine, so some of the seats were loosen
(16:57):
here you sorry. Yeah, a lot of people say we
look alike. You did look exactly alike. Disturbing. He is
taller and older than you, So you know that there's
an animal demon. No, no, no, I we I know James,
and I also know if there's been a trace of
hash brown, he's going to be trying to get up
to where that is going to be burning at that
(17:18):
So if you can find the you know the area
that the hashbrown machine was located in, well, yeah, that's
where he was going to be the center of the bus.
There was an oil catch that got all the hi
ms him. Can I get um this? Yeah, thank you
so much, if you don't mind Chris dash Alvarado dot com.
(17:42):
There wasn't like I couldn't get Chris Alardo for some reason.
Somebody else had that one. It's a musician, what kind
of music? I don't listen, but I get tagged on
his stuff all the time on Instagram. That's at Chris Alrodo.
I got I got that one. Hey do you are you? Um?
Do you have any interest other than being a perform mark?
(18:04):
Because you know there's a lot of other careers out there.
I don't say that there's a lot of other careers
you could go into. What's fun? Um ta ta I am.
I made this kind of bet, this kind of commitment
to myself into the fucking devil himself, that I would
rather die chasing this dream then give up. Take up
(18:30):
pretty loose? Are you getting enough nutrition? Your teeth are
shaking in your mail? I don't think you should. I
think you should go into a different work. What else
can I do? I do in this and I like it?
This crylf No, thank you everyone in this whole restaurant.
(18:54):
So yourself. Just talent. I've got ooks, I've got things.
I've got is Chris, Okay, shut up? Shut up. I'm sorry,
You're right, I'm look fine. You got you guys. You
(19:18):
guys seem like something you have to deal with within
the family. Here. I'll just mark, We're not a family.
Stop making this thing. Man, do I hate this vacation?
I hate this vacation. I don't know. It just seems
like Mr Pollock's created a really nice family. What is
wrong with you? You have a real job. Why then
do you want from us? Man? What do you want
(19:39):
from us? What do you want to take from us?
I just you know what, I couldn't want to take
anything sick that guys, and we have him around, can
we want to be around? He's poisoning us. We're all
doing the best we can have a family that this
podcast is supporting, So I have to make it work.
I've lost ten of my friends on the road. They're
probably you didn't have those friends, SERI, where are my friends?
(19:59):
Your phone? Not even what the funk is this? It's
a piece of tile, yeah it is. It's a new update. No,
it's not Joey. You guys got some ship to work out.
I'm gonna go outside and see if I can find
James in the van by Mark. Going to really miss you.
You're so fun. It's an update, Okay, an update. Hey,
(20:19):
James is me? It's Chris. Is that. I'm so glad
I got to talk to you. You're in the hatchbag man.
You know, James, I was thinking you and I are
a lot of like it Like it's like you and
(20:44):
I were not good at accents. You know, we don't
do much character works, so to speak, but we love it.
But that smell you want me to join you in there? James.
I'm down. I'm gonna do a little collab. Collaboration Kevin,
(21:06):
Kevin looks udy. Something's wrong with Chris. I just heard
James is in the bus or something like that. We
gotta cancel with k cancel it. Yes, I've already paid
for it. There's no canceling. You've already paid for what.
Everyone have a cupcake and a juice and I gotta
eat basketball basketball. This is what you paid for. Okay, Well, pitching,
(21:27):
do you need to go somewhere and be somewhere? Yeah?
I do. Actually, okay, I got a music video to shoot,
Thank you very much. Okay, all right, Yeah, and it's
a gold Lamborghini. I'm gonna be driving around. I think
about that for a second. Someone rent the gold Lamborghini.
I don't know how it works, okay, but what I
do know is that I gotta be there. Okay, alright.
(21:47):
See number one is called Siri. Where's my basketball? I
love you guys, any representation. I'm doing great, and I
love this this and we are a family life and
you're part of the I love that everyone felt that
to apologize. That's pretty beautiful. Seen to comes from Patreon
(22:15):
VP Nicholas from Munich, who wrote, as many people across
this wonderful world of ours I live for your podcast.
It's a way of sunlight in the desert of monotony
and pony frolicking on the planes of madness, and a
metaphor usually short of resolution. Well, there you have it.
Thank you for articulating what we've all been thinking. My
(22:35):
suggestion is the couple visits a hotel only to find
bats in the hallway, a mouse running out of her drawer, reception,
and the concierge thinks he's a wizard. Most of this
is based on a true story from my life. Wow.
Thank you Nicholas from Munich. Next please hi, Yes, would
you like to check in? Yes? The reservation should be
(22:57):
under Harper Harper, I did. It's so sweet our first
name or last last name? Last name? Last night? That
h A R P E R. We made the reservations
three months ago. I should have been through. Uh. Expiliaia expilia.
(23:18):
It's just a different is it. That's different problem. We've
been having issues with expilia, So okay, well it's a
we do. We do have a couple of rooms available
I reserved. I can show you the receipt that I
paid for. You know what showed me the receipt. We're
still going to have the same issue, sir. Does anybody
else work here or is it just the one we're
(23:42):
being handled? I work here. I could take your bags
for you. That's our concerge. Thank you very much. Yeah,
thank you, Stevie. Can you help this gentleman please? It's Steven.
He doesn't like a NICKI own nickname. Um uh yeah.
(24:03):
So here's the receipt. I see the email, sir, But
I'm just telling you paper trail as well. So as
I said, we have a couple of rooms. We just
don't have a reservation, right, So that's I paid for
the suite, right, you paid for it in advance? Yes,
that must be the problem. Okay, all right, I don't understand.
(24:25):
Why is that a problem? If I made you need
my magic skittles, Stephen, no one. I shall go back
to my bag hole. Do you know where you're taking those?
I don't haven't checked any like do I guess I
shall keep them with me in the bag hole. You know.
I don't mean to interrupt, but but you are sorry.
And what's going on here? It's like an episode of
(24:46):
Seinfeld right where he's like reservation, like, what's the point
of a reservation? Here's my car, duncan Jacoby you make tires,
I make tires. I'm the tired king, so I speak
Mr Jacoby. We trying to get our sweet secured. Mr.
We have your sweet ready. Of course, thank you so much.
(25:06):
More bags you're bringing more bags, Yes, I've got more bags.
Take these bags, e fash, Take these bags, hide them,
hide them well for the owners. Shall be back for them.
Forth with. I'll go back out there and see if
(25:30):
I'm assuming it's the usual room. Yes, of course it
rif which room is? It is the one way you reserved, reserved,
it's our anniversary. I understand it. Turn to my name,
Harper made it expla No, it's not fine because you're
not handling it. As I said, we do have a
room for both of you, and be happy to the
(25:52):
one room, one room, two beds. And before you go,
I have something for you as well. I have a
discount on tires if you ever need something. And of
course that generosity is one of the reasons that we
can we exchange these for our room. I don't want ties,
but I do want to room. There are you a
national chain because I don't live in Cincinnati. No Cincinnati
(26:14):
specific but okay, well I don't we don't have a Yeah,
we'll look at the slogan. If you're not in Cincinnati,
you can't get tires. So it's pretty cut and dry.
So ever in Cincinnati swinging by the ould tire king
and yeah, we're not in Cincinnati. I can't. No, we're not. Sorry.
(26:37):
It's just like the card says, we can't get ties. Amen,
think about that night. Here's a not in Cincinnati, you
can't get Hain't that the truth? That's the greatest slogan
I've ever heard. I just want to make sure I
gotta correct. Hey, pro tip, the venom machine on floor
six is God Hotel with ending the yes on every floor.
(27:04):
I thought it was romantic. Yeah, I thought we would
have like what happens in the room is none of
our business if you want to get romantic. But out
in the hallway, if you'd like some Dan a Nutter
butter for someone to get romantic. That's the concierge. I
can show you every wonderful restaurant in the city of Cincinnati.
(27:24):
You know what, when some that no one knows why
don't we do that? Why don't we just hold the
bags here for a second. Well, you're going to figure
out that room and let let's just let's see what. Yeah,
what While they're doing one step, mush, bring the book.
This is my bat rush. You must just drop it
(27:49):
in my hat. Just drop it, just drop it in
my head. Don't get away from from to drop it
into your cave anyway. Take a look at this book here,
it's got directions to the recommendations or PF chang. This
(28:14):
whole thing is a bit of a bumma, isn't it. Yeah?
I thought Cincinnati was like hub of fine food and
fine Hini. We have room service tony four hours if
you'd like go guess yeah, I guess that's what he means.
Our chef is one Michelin star. Right, Yes, you should
try his three way Chili's three way, thank you, Stevie
free Why chilly three white chili, three chili, getty and cheese.
(28:43):
It's the way we can do, my wife, thank you.
If it's in one bowl, it's one way. That's the
way it is, exactly. Chi tried to explain to Stevie
many times. The customer is always right in this case,
you are right. Yes, I'd like to go right until
s battles. I'm sorry, excuse, I'd like to order some food.
(29:04):
What would you like? I'd like to get the well,
you know, for the chili, right for the ChIL I'd
like to try the chili. Please, and let the chef
know I'm not part of We are out of three
way chili. Interesting, Well, let the chef know that I'm
not part of Michelin Tires. I shall let the chef now,
(29:27):
thank you. Maybe you can get that chili going. I
couldn't help it over here. Okay, you're not part of
Michelin Tire. Let's just say I'm not part of Michelin Tires.
A lot of funny coincidence. Have you ever seen the
movie Rather Tui? The action movie? No, no, no, no,
(29:47):
the cartoon rap food movie. Uh, the movie I'm thinking of.
It's Bruce Willis. Okay, no, no, no, damn man? May
I take your bag? No? I prefer to hold onto it.
I'm not a health inspector. Oh can I get a
different table? This? It seemed to just pony up to
(30:08):
my table edge one single. I'm not part of Michelin Tires.
Oh is a cocktail hour down here. Hey everybody, how
you doing? Mr Jacobe? I am the tire king, and
you are not with Michelin Tires, not with michel Good
to know, because let me tell you something. Michelin Tire
can suck a dick. You know what I mean? It's
good here all the way really for the all weather stuff. Here,
here's my car. Here's my car. Thanks and Cincinnati face.
(30:31):
This could be great for me, lucky for you. What
do you do? I don't health inspect I don't have
a microscope and a black light in my duffel. Oh nice, nice, nice,
And you don't. You aren't part of Michelin Tire. I'm
not part of Michelin Tire is either in the tire
sector or their food department. Because that me to clear
how I feel about Michelin. Right you did? I love
how tight the tables are here. Come in alone, weave
(30:53):
with friends. That's what it says on the card. Here
at the hotel, you guys, I want to see something
pretty cool? Sure, hey Stevid, Yes, Mr Jacobe, can you
bring in some more friends for us? Maybe little furry ones? Nuts?
This is pretty nuts. I'll just tell you what he's
about to do. He's about to let one mice run
(31:14):
across this table. I told you the last boy scout,
the last boy scouts. Okay, we're closing it down and
closing it down. Here's my badge. I was lying earlier.
I'm a smooth criminal like the Michael Jackson's song, and
I am the michelin man who sh whiplash from that.
(31:40):
I still am, like I said before, the tire king
of Cincinnati. And what's you say on your card? Uh?
If it's not in Cincinnati, it's not. What's going on
in here? Oh? Just playing with mice, playing with mars
is disgusting. I don't know, it's compliments of Stephen here, Stephen,
what a mice? Mice? Or I have to shut this
(32:04):
place down, everybody. What do you mean is it's seven
hundred dollars for one tire? Yeah? I'm sorry you just
what a weird sentence you said? It's seven for one
of the best tires that have ever Okay, no, no,
I'm sorry, too late, too late, Like it's just already
(32:25):
on your car. Kevin, we gotta go into the place. Okay,
we talk, who's Kevin? Kevin Paul? Like, we gotta get
somewhere else the I'm gonna finish something. What are you
talking about? I don't know. The University of Miami beingo baby,
you guys have a discount that's five percent off off. Hey, hey,
jim Man, we're getting it ties and no when I
(32:51):
thought so too. Okay, Kevin's gone. I guess I'm in
charge here. You're supposed to get times for Kevin pil Yeah,
I understand that. Why don't you get some because you're
seven h fucking dollars? Okay, Sirie, how much tire supposed
to be? What the fuck? A voice? Keep changing? God? Dad, Look,
why are you here? Why am I here? I'm on
a vacation from hell? Okay, Okay, I'm dying every single
(33:12):
god damn day. I've been living off basketball juice and
basketball fibers. Okay, okay, that's my digestion. Tell me cleans
it out, cleans it. I'm actually never felt better. Okay.
I say, if you look right here, sir, and the
X ray, you'll see these little tiny circle things, um
and the lab says they're basketball related. You think about
(33:33):
that lab here might be basketball is inside of your belly.
You can just bring lab in here, there's a lab
here at the hospital. Yeah. Oh, what's the thing. I'm sorry,
I think like a guy named Lab or a woman
named Lab was like, why would you think that? I
don't know, I said, Lab said this right, Okay, I'm interested.
Why you went for a male first. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Uh,
no reason, no reason, I'm really interested. You haven't made
(33:55):
eye contact with me, jenks this whole time, Lab sounded masculine.
It just sounded. Lab sounded masculine, even though Lab is
the beginning of labia. Oh, Ed, I was thinking, Uh,
what were you thinking? Labastiling? That's what I was thinking,
which made me think of masculine. You been eating basketball, sir,
we've reason to believe that arrest almost almost do this close. Yeah,
(34:19):
we have another issue though. The basketballs are filled with semen.
Uh there's a little pouches of semen in the form
of a basketball. Surely you saw that coming. Am I
on arrest? Am I free to go? Hey Steven, it's
it's me, Mr Jacoby. Yes, Mr Jacobey, what can I
do for you? I'm as usual, I'm lonely. Well. I
(34:43):
I'm terribly sorry to hear that I did not know
you had my home address. I guess I should evash evash.
It's all right, it's all right. It's just Duncan Jacoby
the Tire King of Cincinnati. You know what, I'm so
tired of that title. Do you wish another title? Here?
(35:07):
It's Duncan Jacoby the Tire King of Cincinnati. Here's his card.
I have his card. Steven, come to bed, Duncan. It's
very late. It's just you live such an interesting life,
and I'm a wizard? Is that what it is? You can't?
Are you that in person? You were just feign we'll
(35:29):
all foreign people are wizards? Do you not know this?
That's what? Yeah? Okay, Steven the bats, miss you? All right,
change me? Change you? Did you soil yourself? No? No,
I mean make me something that I'm not all right,
I don't want to be me anymore. Okay, well fine,
just sit here, okay and drape this over you and
(35:54):
things like p Well it's been at Chris Alvarado, and
I will as soon as I pull this off, it
will you will be something that you were not before.
Make him bald. Yeah, that's that's actually pretty funny. Missus Jakobe,
I old people of the Tire Kingdom. We have sad
(36:19):
news today. Duncan Jacoby has to king. Don't say it
is no more? Know what's happened to him? He has
gotten bald because relinquished the crown success. Will you let
me do this? I mean, I'm just trying to cry.
(36:41):
Interrupt me, you know what? You know what Forget it
and we'll just figure it out. Oh now you need me?
Oh I have to go to or is it going
to be listen? Oh do we need a new town? Cry?
Oh no, we're not doing that. Okay, we don't need
a new town. Cry good and she's good. Shed cry
(37:03):
then cry, don't cry? What happened to Duncan Jacobe? Duncan
Jacobe is no more? The new king of tires. Will
buying Michelin that big puffy man that's right now, garden
bed all as well? I like this one. Yeah, donut,
(37:27):
She's got more things like that if you want to
get him around your finger, idiot. Oh my god, you're
going to be the only town crying like there's no competition,
and everybody's competition here. Oh my god, my god, my god,
I'm I'm checking that place. Yes, how is your stament
(37:49):
duncan not great, No, you went bold? Can I just
check our place? Skin shine man? You ma'am please, we
had a horrible nut sleep. We'd sleep into twin bits.
I've only not about us because I tried to go
to your hotel restaurant. There was rats on the type.
(38:10):
I explain, we're doing the best we can run where
my husband is well. We can talk to Stephen about that.
It's a concertge. I want to talk to Stephen because
that's who I saw in the restaurant with the rats
running all over, and he was their king. I don't think.
And this man is bald. It seems like a slight exaggeration,
although the ball parksoners to be true. Uh so much, Checobe,
Thank you so much for coming, and we'll do our
(38:31):
best the next time. Year you did find it was
my fault. What happened? I wanted a change. Oh, we
shouldn't have picked balls here bags um, so thank you. Wait,
don't go anywhere at yours. That's unnecessary, quite generous. You
didn't have to tip Stephen. Sure it did customary? Did
(38:53):
we overby? Oh? Is that right? Sure? I would maybe
maybe let Stephen like what's going on between these two. Oh,
another foreigner. You're also a wizard. Of course you are.
Of course I am wizard Jake, one of the one
(39:13):
of the siblinghood. Oh yeah, right, I should it just
you know, potioned up a room. Yeah, I forgot. That
would have been great. Then you guys could have had
more than just to embars the sleeping well. I promised
my husband that I wouldn't do will lacking wizarding anymore.
I'm a girl, so witching. I guess freakazoid is your husband.
(39:35):
Yet he didn't have a good knock sleep. No, this
is what happened. I don't know. I don't know. I
wish I could explain it. You just do not know.
There's a spell to turn him back to normal. Oh sure,
here it's written on this This is Mr Jacoby's business.
(40:00):
It's on the back. It's on the back. Maritas, unless
you's Cincinnati, unless you're from Cincinnati. That you just canceled
it up. And that scene too, So please when it tracks,
(40:23):
it track it does. Listener David who wrote, Hey, y'all,
huge fan of the show since day one, But for
all my enthusiasm, my partner still hasn't caught the out
of me. This bug. My solution to the Squandrey is
you guessed it a scene suggestion. One of my favorite
characters of all time is Joey's Hold the Door character.
(40:44):
Hold the Door. Yep, there we go. But honestly, anytime
Joey shot something in the background, it's hilarious. That's true.
I think we all agree. My suggestion is this we
see a day in the life of the Hold the
Door guy. I trust you can take it from there.
Much love, David Strout, Uh, Sarah, thanks for coming in.
We just wanted to go over a couple of things
(41:05):
about your recent at That one right there in the
middle is good. It says here that you you worked.
You worked at McDonald's, and you worked at Burger King,
and you worked Larry's House of pank the seat in
the middle place. So my confusion is, what did you do?
Let's at the seat in the center, the center seats.
(41:28):
If you don't want to see in the center, that's
also fine. Larry, Yeah, I got I got nothing. Mike,
you're the one that wanted to call this guy in.
I said it was a bad idea from the start.
I just well wanted to see why you thought it
was a bad idea. You're you're seeing it right now.
He's been wandering the corners of this room for ten minutes.
(41:52):
But no, no, go ahead, Mike, hire this guy. Let's see,
let's eat. Is he? Is he hungry? Now? I think
the sort of get up and go attitude that we
need here. What why? Why? Tell me why? This guy's
energy is what we need. You don't know what to expect.
It keeps coming at you with new ship all the time.
(42:12):
We're ant. Wow, so nice to meet you. Your profile
was very interesting and you are better looking than your picture.
My day, Yes, I like when you say that, Hi,
we have a reservation. Okay, what name is it under?
I think you made the reservation. You're my day? What
(42:35):
name is it under? Sweeart? I'm sorry, sweetheart, that was fast.
That was no understand. I'm sorry I didn't I got
to agree with your date the brakes. Okay, you're pushing
me away from you now. I thought we were having
a good we'll have steak okay, you guys are gonna
(42:56):
have steak or we'll have steak. Okay. I'm not actually
your server and just the hostess, but I can pass that.
We're back. Um, we're gonna have to have we have
a policy that the people at the restaurant. Can you
start making eyes at him? I am not making eyes
at walking with a gorgeous man. And now you can
man seem to not even understand that he's with you.
(43:17):
He's doing his own thing. I think he's talking to
me first. I'm sure he is. Go ahead and talk.
My shift doesn't til eleven until eleven. Are you open
late to eleven? Wow? This is I made it back
to your room. This is a nice place. Snakes, you
(43:43):
are a while. Oh wait, there's actual wild snakes. Snakes
can ask your question? Was that? Am I prettier than
that hostess we were talking to earlier? Ou? Ouch? Okay,
I mean I'm getting midden a bunch. Are these poisonous?
It's your face? What's happening? It's your face? What's helped me?
(44:08):
What's your faid? Back? Again? Well, I'm just locking up,
and then I was going to go home, but I
see you after your date. So the door. Oh, I
can't let you into the restaurant. I'm locking up. But
if you want to go get a drink or something,
I know a few bars that are so okay, Okay,
I can't let you into the restaurant. I'm locking up.
(44:30):
I will get in big trouble from my boss A
door I can't. Oh, oh okay, I asked you to
lock up, but we're having trouble here. It's just fellaw
giving you some Greek the door. Sure, I don't know
what your deal is, but we gotta lock up now.
We're closed all the door. Yeah, yeah, I understand you, Jim,
(44:54):
I don't understand him, all right, stamp slippery floor, Sarah? Uh?
Do you we need to call somebody? We're worried about you?
Is there something we can call? Sure, I understand you're
not bad looking, feller, But where can we Do you
need a ride? Can we take you somewhere? Work closed?
(45:15):
All right, We'll get you downtown, Debor, do you mind
taking them downtown? I'm scared. Okay, we don't, Debor can't
take you. I've got a pickup truck, but Junior is
gonna bring it by to pick me up in about
an hour, so if you can wait, you can go
with the even better. Okay, how's it going, buddy? Welcome
to the jetpot? Okay, col you need a drink some milk?
(45:39):
I'm sorry months that they want some milk, some milk.
I thought, that's what I heard. I don't need clarification.
I was just, what's that clarification? I said, alright, Jesus
to ask me, I don't care what I am. You
take here, Hey, Jeff, you want me to kick this
guy out for road of the milk? I don't know.
(46:00):
I'm not. I'm not on the I'm not I'm not
serving him anymore. I guess you guess. I like you.
I like you a lot. Everything about you. I like it.
Start me crazily. What do you want to do? Some milk?
I want some milk too. Let's go find the count
to suck on. Come on, get on my back on
(46:23):
the workouts. Sit down right here? Which chair, for God's sake, Look,
we got to talk to you about a situation. Uh,
the just the closest one to me, the one that's
under the light, The only chair in this room. There's
(46:44):
one chair, it's underneath a light. We can do this
the hard way. We can do it's the easy way.
My partners, trying to make it clear to you, trying
to make it clear thinking. Can you just sit down,
please just share, have a seat. Tell us about the
girl with the snakes. You know what, you don't have
to say. Do tell us about the girl? What? Stay
standing if you want. Oh is this interrogation or being used? Yes?
(47:08):
Be well so far we're both pretty good. Yeah, so far.
What we're doing Northern coup Southern cup? Oh okay, that's
a fun one. I'm going to go next door and
do um, you know, distraught alcoholic detective. Cool. Okay, no,
do not hold the door. Close the door. Well I
can't not. That's weird, all right, you know what, just
(47:31):
close it you you know what, maybe maybe it'll it'll
loosen your tongue a little bit if we throw you
in a cell for a little while. Something. You're going
to do the alcoholic yes, single mom, Yeah, I'll do
the very gentile southerner. So someone will come in so
(47:53):
welcome sit down? Which, yeah, but it's the only one
Jay that chair? Which chair? Oh my god, I gotta
pick up my kid in twenty minutes. Hey, you know
what I'm done with this guy from room too. You
take him in here, you interrogate him. I don't know much,
but I know we're not supposed to mix them all. Oh, gentlemen, please,
(48:17):
which let's start with your names? Are you Clark Pateman, pancakes? Okay,
I can't be a name cood got I need a drink,
of course, I'll tell you what if you're Clark Pateman
Blank Pancakes, that's not a blank? And what was your name? Sir?
Are we tonight? Is it tonight? When they both have
(48:40):
I don't know how to handle this. And he saw
me doing my other character. He saw me out of character.
You know what's going in there, so he knows I'm
just doing the thing their master man's maybe that's what
it is, their criminal master. It is unsettling. I can't
get my balance. No, let's try another text. So I'm
gonna be getting off work about seeing menutes. Do you
(49:01):
want to come to my place? What do you think
they're tough? Guy? I have to sleep me too. First,
keep talking to you. That's the feeling I get rigid place.
First We're going to try the rough house just to
see what I mean talking to you. He was telling
(49:22):
me to hold the door, but I don't think he
ever wanted me to hold the door. It's super unsetled.
It's disconcerted. Hey, Jem, nice to see you in the office.
You headed up to what's floor? Yeah? Always, most people
don't have their floor, their team. But this building, well,
you know it's the only building town. That's why I
got the job here. You know it's so nice. Yeah cool, um, okay,
I'm going up as well'n't help it over here. I'm
(49:45):
sorry you say it's the only building in town with
Oh I freaked out. I just moved here and I thought,
my god, this nice welcome went for Are you on
fourteen right? Love us? Somebody got here into town and
moved up quickly in the war, sir, Yes, work close
(50:07):
the door, okay, yeah, it's it'll be closing it on
its own seconds on the floor? Wait, what? God? What? What? What?
There's snakes? What? I think he's just messing around because
maybe he's so far away from us, he's I can
barely hear what he's saying. Is he saying, hold the door, closed,
the door on the floor? Snakes on the floor? No,
(50:28):
he must he must be saying there's a mistake on
the floor, something about the wrong Why is the door closing?
And why are those cops chasing after him? Close the
door riding? What is happening right now? Wait? He's full,
He's gonna milk mustard. My god, there's a woman riding
he's got a milk mustache and these cops are shooting
at him. Close the doors. The doors. The door, it's closing. Okay,
(50:49):
it's closing. It's closing. It's closing. It's closing. Every time.
I fel too. But just don't put your hands on
your back. Everybody, just just well the door. Sorry, his
(51:11):
hands behind his back. Okay, okay, okay, your head us
to us. I don't know, I don't want to. You
know what this is the problem with having a building
with the four thirteen on it. I know where happens.
I can't believe they put the precincts. Okay, hands water
in the court order in the court, all right, if
(51:33):
one of you would please just step forward and readdress
the story of what you believe happened in the elevator
that day. Well the court, sir, we'll get to your recess.
I know what he says, doesn't go. I'm the lawyer. Okay,
can you please tell the court what it is why
(51:54):
we're here. My client was on the elevate. That's a break,
for sure. I think on break. We're not on hold.
You in contempt with three more outbursts. You got you've
been there we go. I like your style, Judge. My
client was on the elevator of the day of the altercation. There,
that's one. Two more. There were strange, far off, authoritative
(52:16):
voices giving commands that humans are designed to respond to exactly,
And that's two. Can you point to who this voice
was coming? It's that man that's always far away, that
far away. You could barely see him. You could barely
see him over there. I don't know why he's standing
at the back of the court, could barely. He shouldn't
be allowed to do that. He should be sitting where
he's supposed to sit. That's that's all right, Sorry, pal,
(52:37):
contempt a court. Luck you in the cell right here,
and you ain't coming out anytime soon. Hold the door, okay,
you go? Hey, where's the prisoner? I said, hold the door,
so I opened it for it. Why get that? I
get it? I get it very persuasive. You want a
cheese steak, I'd love it cheese with that's right, Um.
(53:05):
I didn't mean to throw everything into it into a
dead stop steak whiz w yeah, cheez whiz instead of
provolone with with with onions and peppers. Is that a
Philly thing? Yeah, it's a Philly thing. I understand. Sorry,
I was playing north cop not everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we did let the guy go, right, wiz kid.
I didn't let him go. I just held the door
(53:25):
he left. I mean, I guess technically I let him go.
I wonder where a man like that goes, and and
everywhere he goes, people leave the door. I think. So
Hi there, Hi there, buddy, Hi, everybody. Come on closer, buddy,
(53:48):
it's me from the bar. Are you so far away?
I know it's you can get some milk. You can
get some milk. That's rot, but it's all right. Come on, man,
come on, bunny, get some mil so far white. Come on.
This cow is Lincoln, so he's got plenty for you, Bunny.
(54:10):
Come on, it's great. Can I get some? So he's
driving for come all over here. Cow's not gonna come
to you, honey. You know' piggyback rod I get you
ain't piggyback rod get. I'm glad you'd come to see me.
(54:30):
I'm a therapist and I deal with a lot of
you know issues. The number one thing I'm seeing here
is that you're very far away from everybody close to you.
You're far away from me right now. I think that
speaks to maybe you feel unworthy. Maybe you feel like
if become close, people won't like you as much. I
(54:52):
feel hardcore. You feel hardcore. You know that's not a
bad to feel hardcore. It's better than that feeling at all.
We have an hour or more. Why don't you come
one step closer? We have an hour or more. This
(55:13):
is good. Now, I'll take one step towards you. Okay,
you just backed up. I'm sorry. This is awkward because, well,
you're two o'clocks here, but you're you're two o'clock is
much closer to you than your current patients. So I
don't know what to do. The two o'clocks right outside
the door, but I know your patient is over there
on that one. Can you see him? I can barely,
(55:33):
but I see him. Yeah, Okay, I'm going to talk
to the two o'clock for one second. Why don't you
talk to this dude? Maybe reschedule? Also, I mean, you're
in school for this, right yeah, so take it away?
Take it away. Um, here's my notes. He feels hardcore,
which I don't. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Best of luck. All right, can we talk about my flash?
(55:58):
Are you okay? Can I fix you? Can I fix you?
Can I fix you? Can I fix you? I'd like
to fix you. Do I know you for school credit?
(56:19):
I know you for school credit? Can I fix you?
I know you? I'm new here, I'm I'm the receptionist.
I'm new here. I'm the receptionist. What do you mean
he proposed to you and now you two were getting
married and you fell deeply in love. I mean, that's
what I mean. Okay. I was dealing with the hashbrown guy.
(56:40):
He need the hashbrown guy. He's so so so so.
Last time I left you with him, he was feeling
hardcore right right right, And then we had this. We're
back and forth for a while, and then I just said,
I'm coming over there, you know, until I crossed the street.
I go up, I go up to the elevator, I
(57:01):
get out, I go on the window Silliman, there we are.
Does he let you close to him? He tried to move,
but he would there was only air. He would have died.
You know, he's on the window sill. So I had
him kind of trapped and one thing led to another
and he said, well, first of all, he signed my papers,
so I think I'm a therapist now because he signed,
I get all the school credit because he's cured, and um,
(57:22):
we're getting married. Yeah. Have you touched him, kissed him? Yeah?
Both both of those and it was great. Yeah, wow,
I would, but only after he was cured, because I
didn't want to do the client you can't do so
just just just one last thing, just just qalification. What
exactly cured him? Was it that he couldn't run anymore
(57:44):
because he would die otherwise. I think that's exactly what
it was. Yeah, Yeah, he's trapped. He trapped him, trapped him. Yeah,
congratulations on your wedding. May I take your bags? You?
I'm sorry you're very far away. That's just his that's
his thing. Do you want him to hold the bags
(58:06):
or do you want to hold your own bag? Name?
I love you. There's no scenario with this guy does
not end his life any other way than with a
bullet in his face. Ye can never get there. That's
how we do. Seen three. Thank you all for joining
us today. Joey Greer, thank thanks pal. It's always great
(58:29):
to see you. It's good to see you. Jeffy Graber
on the social webs know it right, good Night, good Night?
And uh, what is the latest review of good Night
that you're most proud of? Um ship, I guess it's
New York Times. New York Times said, why am I
still listening? Right? And I think the Time magazine said, Uh,
(58:50):
I can't believe I'm still listening. Okay, Yeah, so I
don't know that's a positive negative thinks Mark Agliarda. When
do you go back to work? So you're gonna be
leaving us? More importantly, when can you come back? I
will be back at the end of April. Yeah, well,
hopefully we'll see you then. I'd love that. Until then, folks,
and look forward to sometime in the summer. Sometimes in
(59:11):
sometime in the summer, Blood and Treasure season too, So
I'll keep you posted during bikinis during bikini season. And
what was your podcast you were talking about earlier? We
got this with Mark and Hell new episodes every Tuesday.
Thanks far Yeah, we got this with Mark and Hell,
new episodes every Tuesday. That's kind of what I'm on
right now, to be honest, I'll do it all right.
(59:34):
Vanessa Thank you so much for being and to all
of you continue to write to us UH your name
here TLCO to this dot com. We want to thank Chris,
our guest engineering, and I heart Media. We love you
all dearly until next time. And I put pepper and
(01:00:19):
I put pepper,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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