April 21, 2020 • 64 mins
alchemists help Joey deal with multiple personality disorder...
countries chose one person to live in a bunker,
it’s orientation day one of us cast as harry potter, shows up not having read the script...
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about this. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yest that, Kevin pollog No, I'm not completely
over the zoom experience. Thanks for asking, but I digress.
Let's meet our alchemists, shall we no particular order? Please
say hello to Chris Oberetta. Hello, hello, Mr Chris. What
(00:22):
are you doing these days for exercise? Good question. So
I do my own personal workouts, um, just about every day. Um.
I'm using dumbbells and body weights. I do chest upper
two times a week and and my lower body two
times a week. But then I've been going on three
mile hikes with my girlfriend and every time we see
(00:45):
a bench or a curb or we we're those freaks
in the street now that like do like like the
street workouts, will like step up on like a high
planter and like do our legs and stuff like that.
You know what I mean, I know those freaks. And
then yesterday I took my shirt off because it was
such a beautiful day. I don't have a great body.
I just wanted a little son, okay. And then there's
(01:06):
a little girl on a bike and her mom said,
come on, come on, come this way, come this way,
and The girl was shocked and she went, look, that
man doesn't have a shirt on. Scarred for life. And
I said, I'll put it back on. And the mom's like,
it's okay, but the damage had been done. Please tell
me that's already on your resume under skills. What's the
(01:28):
skill scaring little girls if by taking your shirt off? Yes,
I'll add that to actor's access before I bring you
into Mr Spielberg. It says here on your resume that
you can scare little girls by taking your shirt off.
Let me to show you what I'm working with her
three nipples. Okay, Uh, shut your trap. It's Craig Gatkowski. Cowp.
(01:50):
What's been the surprising bonus for you during the self quarantine?
Surprising bonus is that everybody's talking about inating weight. I've
been losing weight like a mofo. Uh. Yeah, that's good.
It seems like that's true all around in our crew,
because we've been rationing food very small portions. We've been
(02:14):
eating very small portions. And uh, I think it also
indicates that when I'm out and about, I eat a
fucking lot, and I eat three courses and not great food,
and uh, I'm eating healthy food and without really making
an effort losing weight. Yeah, it turns out exercise is
(02:34):
great for the h the physical body, but in terms
of weight actual weight loss, it's all about portion control
and stop eating after like seven at night. If you
want to get now, I know, if you want to
get the kitchen, I don't want to get cut It
turns out it's on the kitchen saying I never heard that.
(02:55):
How is that not a poster? That is? That's a
smart man. I'm gonna start voting because that's where the
knives are. Is that the point exactly? Now I'm talking
the corn cracked the corn. It's James Heeney, Jimmy John Jampoon.
Do you have a suggestion for what might replace the
(03:18):
handshake in our new normal encounters? I just I think
that eye contact and genuine joy to see a person
will show on your face. You don't need to touch someone.
In fact, I've never felt comfortable with being obliged to
touch and be touched. I've noticed that when we've hugged
in the past. Yeah, well yeah, and I don't try
(03:41):
not to let people notice. But it's always this like, yeah,
it's so so clear. Uh, but thank you for making
that the new mandate, thank you, And last, but may
your nuts be gathered and stored for COVID twenty if
you think him least. It's Joey career. Joe, Joe, Joe.
(04:03):
How is your Easter? So chill? He rose everything one
like clockwork, So we're good. He's gonna be born again
not too long from now, and then rapidly, and then
we'll do the whole thing again. We'll do the whole rigamarole.
We'll do the whole kill him again. You're gonna need
the Jews again like last nuk Man. Don't make it
(04:23):
personal like that. Okay, don't do this, Okay, all right,
do you know what happened? We know what happened. We
move on. Okay, No, I've clearly moved on. All right,
Let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions have gathered from our patron v I p s.
And the rest are from your listener emails. And can
(04:44):
I just say that last night I put up perhaps
one of the funniest sketches we've ever done as a
short and Patreon. I almost felt guilty. It's like, why
is this just going to the Patreon? It's so good
you shouldn't say it now, I'm just making people jealous.
There's a really funny short that I put up last
night to our Patreon. What can you tell us anything
(05:06):
about the short? Can you tease? It was insisting your review?
Is that so positive? Well, it's it's a real life.
Well it's so similar of a description to things that
we've done. But it's us as the ha has and
improv team, and we really kind of we kind of
spear you, Kevin. We are really great. We spear you
so hard in it. But it was laughing so hard,
(05:27):
it was it was embarrassing to be laughing that loud
at night. In my part was this did this take
place backstage at the live show? No? No, no, this
was this was like we recorded this. It's my fault.
I'm sorry. This was never something it was supposed to
be heard. Yeah, this was. Yeah, this was this was
(05:47):
part of Horrified. The recorded there's part of this. It's
like a three hour harangue of Pollock. Like it's it's like,
it's nasty. I think the Patreon members have been craving
a three hour Pollock harangue, So I think this is
gonna be just peach. I won't listen to it. I
(06:09):
mean you were laughing harder than any of us in
the episode, so I think you found it funny too.
It was. It was painfully funny when we recorded it. Okay,
so funny in fact, I don't remember it. Um alright.
See Number one comes to us from Patreon alcmaniac Will.
I believe he's a new Alcamaniac. Bless you will. He
(06:32):
wrote for everyone, Dear Alchemist, this is William Morris. No,
not that William Morris, the one from upstate St. Louis.
This is my second time writing into your podcast. I
suggested the Mad Scientists yard Sales sketch, which may have
been your first flop. I remember that one. That was hilarious,
(06:59):
but at least it ended with Chris explained exclaiming what
the funk are we doing to this day? My favorite
line Joey, you, my man? Are the bees tits? Nothing?
(07:20):
Simply nothing beats a Joey monologue? Yeah, yeah, we we
love bearing witness to that too. Super fun. We've tried
to beat them, but they just won't be beaten down.
I think we've tried to stop them. Uh fucking owl
bone prophecy guy Louisiana lawyer, judge. Anytime Joey is sick
(07:42):
or dying, I cannot get enough. I decree my underlying
allegiance in the Cult of the Great Greer Lord Joey,
bless us with your ramblings, annoying us with your guttural sounds. Anyways,
here's my scene suggestion. James look away. Now, that's what
(08:03):
they write in the page and page because James and
I are the only two to read them. Are you
taking photos? Chris? Oh? That was the top of my head?
You wanna take on what I'm looking at? Top of
my head? My least favorite part. Um? Uh, Joey look,
James look, James look away. Yep, the Alchemists help Joey
(08:26):
deal with a multiple personality disorder. Thank you so much.
Please keep it up. The world needs laughter more than
anything right now. Thank you. Alcamaniac, Will Morris listen, Joe
is gonna be here in let's see seven minutes, you
guys and um, yeah, but what Joe is gonna be
here in seven All right? Well, do you want to
(08:48):
pick your favorites before he gets here? I'm sorry you
don't wanna. I want to order now? Do you want
to wait till what I think. I'm good to go, guys. Guys,
he thinks he's the waitress. Do you want to what an? Now?
Do you want to wait? Well, we'll wait, thanks, Han,
Are you sure? Actually? You know what we should do
is we should make an order really quick and then
it'll buy us sometime. Um, you know what, I'll come back.
(09:09):
I'll just come back. It's fine. Oh yeah, she will
come back. He's really committing to these characters. Why is
he wearing a short skirt? Why will you wear a
short skirt so easily? Is my question? But this is
an intervention of sorts. Look, I don't think this is
a I don't think this is a problem. I mean especially,
(09:29):
I'm sorry to be uh five of you here in
six cheers? If I borrow this cheer? Were four of
us here? What do you need the chair for us? Sir?
I need the chair for for a friend of mine.
Is that friend gonna becoming soon? I mean, you're here alone,
(09:51):
as Kevin? Why are you antagonizing Joey? He's just I
think I don't think we know his name? What's your name?
Was Brandon? Brandon? Sorry? Brandon? Is it a is it
a lady? Gal? That's why why is he still wearing
a short skirt? I don't know. Just go with it,
because I feel like if we if we call it out,
(10:13):
it's gonna fund his brain up. Relatively lame for a
Joey character. Name sure you can think? Okay, all right,
thanks sir. So far, by the way, so far, I
see a trend. He came as the waitress left without
taking the order, came as the stranger wanting a chair,
(10:35):
left without taking the chair. I think that we build
this into the conversation with him, that he's not committing right,
and if he's not committing, maybe it's not all there.
Maybe he can come back to being a Chathan. I
think you should be careful what you wish for. There
are some things that we don't want him to commit to. Yeah,
and don't make me name two and three of that,
(10:56):
because it we get dirty fast. There are some things
that I am grateful that Joey doesn't commit to. Just
the third thing you're grateful? Well, okay, for the third thing,
I would say, it's slurping bodily fluids. And I've never
seen him actually do it, But if he committed to it,
it wouldn't make it better. I have to say that
of my week is taken up with interventions for fellow
(11:19):
cast members, like it's getting out of hand, Craig. We
were going to have an intervention for you, really frustrations
for interventions, but we didn't think you'd like it. That's
too meta. I appreciate the interventions, but I feel like
now I'm pretty much no my pro problems ironed out. Okay,
(11:44):
you brought hash browns to a restaurant. I mean yeah,
but I'm sorry. Yeah, so I see that you brought
some food out that at our restaurant. So you have
a duffle bag of looks there's other cook food. You're
burning out? Sure that we can't We can't have that.
(12:06):
We just can't have it. Oh, this is These are
medical great hashbrown so I have to have them. It's
like insulin for some people, but for me, this is,
oh my god, medal, medical greats. What did your disease?
You don't maybe prid too quickly do your medical history
right there? Come on, Joey, what are you doing? Don't
touch me? Don't you touch me? All right, I will
(12:27):
touch you touch me. I'm gonna shake this out of you, Joey.
It's us it's us. Oh you want to Craig hit
him hard? Where do you do that? You're getting hurt
(12:53):
of Craig? Mom? How many personalities do you have? Where's
the real Joey? I'll never tell you what accent is that?
Christ compell you? Never? You never compelling me? Never? Now?
What can I get you to eat a sampler? Oh?
Where's Joey? I want to talk to Joey and Telly,
(13:16):
but you have to give me. Okay, Joey, I'll give
you a secret. Just if I give you this secret?
You bring out, joe Okay, Sometimes when I'm alone, I
take out my toe nail clippers and use them on
my finger. Now, is that this really a secret? That
(13:40):
a secret? No? No one knows that other than you?
Why not we all do? Okay, no one knew that
that's that's your secret? Tell him a secret that we
can't hear. I don't know if it counts that way. Okay, Joey, Joey,
come here, whatever your name? Does anyone else want to
give a secret? This guy's secret? Sound really? He didn't
(14:00):
what I want? And um, excuse me? Part of me here?
Uh hi, Jonathan, I'm with the William Morris agencies. I
couldn't help, but see you go through those. Yeah, I'm
telling yeah, uh wow, impressive, really impressive works. Are you
(14:24):
familiar with the festival called Just for Giggles? I actually am.
I think I'm one of the founding members, happy to
jump in, though I haven't done in a while. He's
a compulsive liar too, So there's just for laughs in Montreal.
This is just for giggles in Michigan. Uh, I see
(14:48):
what's going on here? Listen, I'm gonna I'm gonna step away.
Wait wait wait? Give you my business card? Could I get?
Could I give you mine? If you're yeah, you're James Heney. Yeah,
you're the real James Heney. That's the one. Oh, huge fan,
love the briefs. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait,
hold on, hold on. I mean I have a card too.
Let's give me a second. Here, I gave him my card.
I don't for a child's birthday. Here you go and
(15:11):
inside its big fan, big fan, Thanks buddy. I'm I
have representation. I'm good okay, And you, sir, I don't
recognize you? Are you? Uh? I'm just passers by. Oh
that makes sense, that makes sense. But I'm thinking about
thinking about getting into biz, suggestions about how I would
do that. Well, now we're doing casting. It's different. It's
(15:34):
a different time. Unless you have where did Chris go?
I don't know where. That's weird, Oh, man, Joey, Sir, sir, listen, uh,
I can just have a reel. I can do I
could do it right now if you want some acting reel.
I just saw it. I really enjoyed it and just
got off the tracks. When when you said that you
(15:55):
were the co founder of the Just for Giggles festival,
did you say that? Oh? Maybe I said that. That's
your name, sir? In the Chris? Are you in the bathroom? Chris? Yeah?
What's up to Chris? There's an Asian out there. Everybody's
getting at you. Gotta get out of here. U has
(16:18):
he talked to Joey yet? Did? He's really impressed with Joey.
I don't know. He needs to know, he needs to know.
I'm better. Amen. I'm not saying are you in the bathroom?
I'm done now, I'm done. We'll stay in there, man,
I need to use it. Wait, why do you look?
Stay in there? Man? James James being fellas need a
mentor a hand towel. I need a hand towel, all right,
(16:42):
probap some gum. Now, this is a towel to clean hands,
is co. It's to dry your hands. Dry your hands,
all right? And I'm not see you here. I'm gonna
use the worst of real quick bathroom. Hey, buddy, and
you come in here with me right now. Yeah, I
got to use them. I think he's talking to you know,
I'm not man, I'm talking to you, buddy. Come on later, James. Okay,
(17:04):
you guys, what did I miss? Nothing's happening to this guy.
Nothing's agent. He's about to sign my ass wow. Um.
Actually I just lost my representation recently because of this
whole situation. Where the uh that's funny, that's funny. I
can do a couple of characters for you if you like.
(17:25):
I think I'm okay, I think let's see it. Like,
hold on a second, please, I am an Asian with
C A A, and I too would like to see
your talents do it. You're you're what. I'm an Asian
with C A A. The Chinese Athletic Association, that's the one. Okay,
I'm not that athletic, but I do. I heard you
(17:47):
do squats out on the open outside. Okay, Um, well, no,
I appreciate the offer. I'm just not looking for representation
in the athletic field. I am, however, looking how long
have you been going the bathroom? I was just going
in here to get a friend. I didn't need to
go to the bathroom. You haven't go in the bathroom
a long time, pretty much a whole live. Oh you
(18:08):
mean how long in my life have I been using
the bathroom? Ye think I thought you meant like how
long I've been in here? Like? I mean, I just
walked in here before you did. Oh, I was using
the bathroom since I was probably I don't remember, but three.
I assume whatever the appropriate age learned bathroom. I mean, wait,
(18:28):
you you you let bowels out only when you were three?
You didn't go before? Well, I mean before I wasn't
using a special room designated for it. This isn't inappropriate, Honestly,
I don't know what you're trying to get at. I'm
trying to go to the bathroom, and I need you
in here with me while I'm going to bathroom. All right,
I don't want to hold your hand, sir. I don't
think it's helpful. Well, it's not helpful for me either
if you don't hold it right now. I need pressure
(18:50):
points on the inside of my palms. All right. I
can't go unless I do that. I have a very
tight spincter. You know what that's like. I know now
you don't know what that's like, right, Okay? I like
every day in pain? Well okay, so where is it
that I gotta press your hand? No, Craig, what can
I do to get you to headline? Just for giggles
(19:11):
this year on? I mean I have a standard ask Okay, okay, okay,
that sounds fair. Got a standard as that's funny. Now
you're Joey. Now you're Joey. Don't don't do this? Okay,
get out of my face? Man, do you want to
get your faces? Look, dude, I'm gonna get this as
(19:32):
Dida's deal and this Ford deal. Will you like it
or not? Okay? Big time baby? Like My standard ASK
is a first class flights round trip twenty thousand and
uh three nights at a five star hotel. Okay, I'll
double that? Do so? You want? You wants in cash?
(19:56):
Six nights at a and that's yes, yes, yes, And
I won't do it with that. So if I don't
get that, then then you can go and suck my
ass because I'm done. No, no, don't don't done, done, done, done. Yeah,
Hi again, thanks for coming in today. Um. I just
(20:18):
have a couple of questions out to your examination. Have
you been asking a greater than average number of people
to suck your ass? Because I'm seeing some marks here
that don't otherwise make sense. Yeah, that's true. It is
true that you ask a lot of people to suck
your ass. Do I have a very touch specter? I
(20:39):
need help with suction? Okay? And when did you first
notice this? First notice this? When I first said ballot movies? Okay,
So I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to insert
something and you tell me when you feel it. Okay,
this first item is very okay, here we go. Did
(21:00):
you did you do it? I did? I can't feel it.
Quail leg? Yeah? All right, let me try another item. Here?
Are you taking anything out of You're just leaving in
there and pushing the further. Well, if you don't feel that,
I don't see the difference. All right, I don't want
to take the quail leg out. And now I'm gonna
put in a new item. Here we go. Did you
(21:22):
and do you feel that? Did you do it? It's
in there, Hi there and the doctor. I'm what the
fun is going? One, Let's get out of here. Let's
get the hell out of here. Holy no, wait, no, son,
Well let me come on, box me out, man, let
me get out of here. Man, come on, okay, all right,
Holy shit, we almost got caught man, We almost got
(21:44):
his man. Holy ship almost had a two, almost had
a two before. Come on, may don't tell me man,
I want to guess this ship. No damn man. Well
now the whole gang was ruined. I know what was coming.
God damn it. And that is san one mother McCree,
(22:04):
very very real, very very I lost myself. That is
my standard. Asked, by the way, for anybody listening. It's
also Joey's a ten star hotel six nights at a
tense star. Seem to come from the initials see as
(22:26):
in Charlie M. As in Mary c. M, who wrote
as the world collapses into turmoil, countries chose one person
to live in a bunker. It's orientation Day. Thanks the
dandie dude from Dallas. C M. All right, we just
need to I think we need Germany and Spain. It
(22:51):
looks like the last two entries into the bunker. Does
anyone have any progress reports on Germany? Or I don't
enough a Germany? Is? Are you the are you the
chosen One? I don't know? Maybe? Okay, I see a
little coquettish that will do you very very well in
(23:15):
the bunker. I apologize that I am running late. Are
you the gentleman from Spain? We're waiting on? Yes, I
am the bunker. My name is James. That's what I
have here. J apostrophe A M E Yes? Is that right? Yes? James?
Or let change this change O colmo stars. This is
(23:41):
the Bunker Jahames and the gentleman from Germany, the chosen One?
Your name schoonliding? You got that school? It seems to
be metamorphosizing. It's an unusually short name. What's the first
letter in that bluegle Okay, I cannot say that. You
(24:06):
can't say blue lob. We'll call you be. I'll call
you be. My name is I short in its gluen sizon?
Did you call me it? Doesn't? You know? What I'll
go into that banker is he irons see from Welcome
(24:29):
to the bank, Welcome to the banker. Mate. Where where's
you from? Then? Are you talking to me? Possibly your Spain?
You might be able to tell from my accent. I
would not have guessed Spain. No, maybe like a pirate
of some going maybe a Spanish pirate? Are you a
(24:49):
Spanish pirate? But do you know? Do you know? Why?
Do you suppose why you were chosen? I believe it
was a lottery. A lottery, Yes, I believe it was
a lottery. We were all chosen for different reasons. What
about you, sir? From Germany? Was it? Do you know
why you were chosen? Care to share? Yes? I found
(25:13):
I was the best tickler. Tickler, I do not like
to be tickled, so please do not tickle me. I
don't think he was going to tickle your mate. He's
a tickler. I'm sorry. What's the difference? Oh my mistake? Tickler?
(25:34):
And what about you man? Where are you from? Me? Nope?
Talking to the mate? Was already here. Oh I'm yoursa
from Poland? Poland? Grant. Do you know why you were chosen?
We're just going around the bend here, probably because I
am a scientist. See, now there's a reason this bloke
over here was what was it? Tickler? The Germans crowd
(25:59):
sauce was chosen for tickling and the Spanish pirate. I
thought looting perhaps, but no, he says, it's a lottery.
What about you, mate? Uh? I built a bunker American
m hm. How long did it take to build a banker? Man? Um?
(26:20):
Three and a half weeks we had, we had union
people on the job. Those are great papers. Two and
a half weeks, man, Yeah, three and a half weeks. Yeah,
where are the ladies? Oh? It is real sausage party
in here. It's real sausage party. I was expecting it
(26:41):
to be a close to fifty. Didn't somebody say a sausage?
It leaves somebody system? And then what is your name?
And my name is h Yes, it's a very common
(27:02):
Italian name. In Italian name, I have a little victor,
I have a little I have a nice amount, I
have a nice tep back. Look. Look look at what
I can do if I put those spoons together and
I rob look at this. Look look at you made
(27:22):
gold coins? Make gold coins. It's super simple. Is that
why you were chosen there? I wasn't chosen because I'm
a mega so chosen for your ability to make the
only person in it to make it the best cure me?
(27:44):
And did you bring with you up? Sorry to interrupt,
Sorry to interrupt. This is important. So as you can tell,
you've all been chosen selected, you all here, Yeah, that's
good news. There there will be one woman entering the bunker.
Now what job? Her job here is to find who
(28:06):
she thinks is the best mate and begin, uh you know,
procreating with that person. So this is like a Bachelor
Ate episode. Basically, this sounds like a very good odds
for me. I'm yes, but but but the steaks are
much much higher. What do you mean by that? How
(28:26):
high are the stakes? Then? What what do you mean?
What do I mean? It's how we okay? Then I'll answer,
I guess it was clear. What do you mean? The
only rule is they're going to be some kind of
dancing that I had to dance on, not to dance
and Germany, why don't you put a socket and let
(28:47):
the man explain. I can't do it. I can't bear consers,
these presses. He says. There must be a fair bunker.
There must be no no, no, no, no, no no.
We had union men builders for three and a half weeks.
There are getting out of here. That's gonna be enough time.
That's enough time had to be structurally sounds such inspection. Gentlemen,
(29:08):
May I introduce you. I'm a tea wander. Well, hello,
wonder on this one, wonder, Hi, this is really it
looks like though what wonder twins with the same fucking name. No, no, no, no,
(29:30):
no no. I'm I'm a man. I just sound like
a woman. That's not a big deal. Okay, that Wanda
has a brother, well, I figured it was okay to
bring my brother along. There's no way that this would
be the connection obviously, so he's not. Well, we're not
going to rule any mail out. What do you mean
(29:51):
trying to make you want to start that? You want
to write stuff like insist. I think you' to try
started like the royal family whoever gets whoever? You know
what I mean? All right, let's set this up. We
were about to get the one rule. Yes, I would
(30:13):
like the rules explained to me as well. I'm glad
I'm here. This a dance thing. I can't stand I'm
not allowed to dance. I have a strange feat in
a circular vein my needs to be a displaced and
I pop out and trying to step up. You will
line up single file, a few moments alone or not alone,
(30:39):
a few moments with one, tell her why you might
make a good partner for her, and at the end
she will select who she will start the new human
race with. And how was she doing that by presenting
a rose to that person? This is a Bachelorette episode.
We have flowers. They're not roses. We're not ripping off
the Bachelor, but of the Bachelor, right, best flowers? Yeah,
(31:02):
we just happen to have carnation. It's available. What is
this doing they are documenting? I mean, this is the
beginning of the new humanity? Hey, how you doing what
I'm say? I'm your handler, so I'm gonna be taking
care of you, okay, scientist guy from yes from Poland? Yeah, whatever, Look,
I'm gonna be working with you. Okay. So let's give
some emotions in there, all right, let's really make it
(31:24):
pop up? Can we really want this to be a hot? Hot?
Are you coaching me? What? What is this? I want
to do? Natural? Want to be natural? All right? So
let's little Look, I thought I signed up for an
experiment and not a reality show. One would say to
the same thing. Okay, now, so listen, let's just say
all right, then I'm hurt. What would you say to me? Uh?
One day, I am yours, I am a scientist from Poland.
(31:46):
I am here to your name is Let's change it.
Let's let's go to Philip. People like Philip Philip. Yeah,
let's say you're a pilot. Is that cool? That's not
my name and not my job. Okay, so you're a pilot.
All right, let's say you're twenty two. Okay, hello, Janda,
I'm a twenty two year old pilot from Poland. My
(32:07):
name is Philip. You would look very hot. Is that
what you want? Great? Little more emotional, little more emotion.
This is the most emotional Polish person can possibly But
then we're fucked, phil Okay, do you understand that if
you get picked it ups me my job? Okay, I
get a little rasied if that happens. Hi there, Hi, Hi,
Hi Spanish guy. Hi, I'm your handler here. Um, listen,
(32:29):
it's it's important to me that you get Wanda. You
know what I mean? Ah, that makes sense. I want
to get Wanda as well. Good. Good, good. Good. So
you're from Spain, of course. Okay, you can call me
Johas instead of Spanish guy. If you know, Johannes is
a terrible name. Anything around the root word James is
(32:51):
very unsexy. Um, try try Philip. Can you say Philip? Philip?
My name is Philipp Okay, okay, okay, And what do
you do for a living? Well? Between you and I?
I was a pirate, but I don't really want that
to be out there. Okay, how about we we we
switched pirate to pilot. Oh that sounds very similar. Okay, okay,
(33:14):
so great. And now let's just cover your age. How
old are you? Okay? Forties three years old? No, no, no,
I don't say that. I don't say that ever again.
You're twenty two from now one. Okay, listen, if you
get this, it helps me. Okay, you don't understand. I
can't doose this. Okay, I don't want to do this.
I don't know what to do if it's this. Alright,
(33:36):
I'm your pirate, okay, my pirates pate jeans, Oh my god,
all it's locked this board. Everyone got to hand that.
I got to pirates. What does this mean? Pate? A
pirate earlier it was really bleeding in. You've got to
(33:59):
call for pirate. Pirate everyone mistake. Everyone's got to handle that. No,
of course, I don't have a handleg and a pirate. Okay,
you might have gotten one of the worst handlers, but
I obviously got the worst count. All right, lady and gentlemen,
the time has come or wanted to make her decision
(34:23):
all of us. Not all of us have had our
time with it, though, Osh a chance to I haven't
got wonder mother name has a field. I'm a pilot.
I'm two years old. I am sorry. I can I
have a moment with the producers of the show or whatever?
(34:48):
Do you mean? I'm also a pilot. I am also
a pilot who was twenty two years old? Irish sir,
I'm very emotional. I can fly planes, man, I'm twenty one.
Don't see. Here's the problem is I I don't like pilots.
My father was a pilot and he was never around
fishing boat. Huh. I can also run a fishing boat.
(35:10):
That's interesting. You didn't tell me that during our moment
that we had together, but it was so so short.
It was what about me and your brother? I mean,
I am an Honestly, I don't think that that would
good for the human race. You're a pilot. You followed
dad in his footsteps. I think that I've really been
trying to get away from that anything except pilot. Okay, Okay,
this is sick. This is honestly sick. I'm not going
(35:33):
to get together with my brother. I mean, that's what
I was saying, Wander, could you could you tell us
something about yourself other than being the only woman down here,
because I'm ready to turn Well, I grew up in
the Midwest. Yea, I'd like to talk to one of
you fellows. Commercial break. Okay, we're out Okay, great, guys,
(35:55):
Let's take a stick of ten going out live. That's
going out live? Yes, you live? Do we get to
leave ten minutes for we're in a bunker? Okay to
post a talk to the hell skate out there? You
think you want to leave? What's it? Ten minutes for commercials? Commercials? Commercials?
(36:16):
Who's just there? Who's watching? This year? When we come back,
everybody should know, when we come back, it will be
the dance off. It will be the big group dance.
At which points this kind of because I noticed this
this is my hell. Please please someone killing me, somebody
charging me? Please, I don't care how. And we're back
(36:36):
in five. Don't finish that county? Oh god please? Alright,
who have a signal out there? And this we call's
no God, there's no nothing to say it now play
a little song for everybody today, So God, no, please.
I really should have looked over those papers that I signed, babe, bang,
(37:01):
look at this moves one. Philip? Can I talk? Man?
Are you talking to Philip? Can talk to you? Yes, Philip? No,
not phil Philip. I can talk Philip and talk to Philip. Yes,
that needs my name? Philip. Can I talk to Philip? Please?
Do you mean James? Philip? I need it starts to
Philip the Pirates. He's in his twenties and he's talk
(37:23):
to Philip Parks. Definite leave me, that's most definitely. I
need to talk to Philip. He's in his twenties. He's
a Pilot's not you? Okay. I don't know what else
to say. I have been told that I am Philip,
and I am twenty two, and I am a pilot. Man,
I'm not your fucking handler. Okay, excuse me? There a problem? Yeah,
(37:45):
they're talking to my guys. I'm not talking to your guy.
Your guy was talking to me. I'm trying to find
my guy fhlip. He was looking for Philip. And as
we have discussed, this is did you looking for me?
I am a guy, I'm a Philip at the video? Wanda,
have you made your decision? Um? Is it? Uh? Let's
(38:08):
see all right, we're going to commercial now, let's go
to commercial grade. Okay, we got ten until we're back
to just take your time, relax. We've got ten minutes still,
we're back, and then we're gonna make that final call. Okay, Well,
you're really stretching out the drama of this. Yeah. Well,
there's nothing else going on there, Okay, buddy, Okay, my
Russian friend, there's nothing else to please keep away from
(38:30):
the craft service place. That's for Wanda only. As for
Wanda only, it's like a huge spread. She can possibly
eat all this food. This a lobster will look bad
very soon. There's parogi here. I mean this has to
be for me. Listen, Wanda has had a few asks
before she came in here, and that was staying at
a Booboo Star hotel for six nights and this large spread.
(38:55):
This is a ridiculous ask. So do you the production
company know about that? This ask? Oh, yeah, we made
a disaster. I knew it. That's Hollywood, baby, and we're
back in oh oh las and jud lady and gentlemen.
(39:19):
Wanda has made her decision. Well, all the men from
all the countries please line up. One will be handed
the carnation. See a German Man's kneecaps are displaced and
he seems to have passed out from pain. Is anyone
else caring? No one cares? Okay, okay, I said, I
(39:42):
went to pick the German Man. I wasn't going to
pick the German Man. I would say that the number
one probably the Irishman. But is it too late for
me to just go back to the health escape and
deal with the whatever turmoil might come about and pass
this carnation to another woman to decide. No, you do
have that choice. You can walk out of that door. Wait,
(40:04):
that's an option for real, for her, for her, maybe
you and I can just get out of here together,
because I don't think I want to be in this bunker. Also,
of course, you're not limited to the five countries that
have been heavily featured. There's somebody, there's a man here
from every country around the world. It's like there's like
a hundred and seventy fellows in here. What about being
on Chad from Chad? Have you talked to Chad from Chad?
(40:28):
Not for most good eye? I'm also she didn't want
to be one of its. Hey, let's part it out.
This is this is a riser blind. Wait does that
(40:51):
another guy from Australia looks like from Australia looks like
the paper or from Mosey? How did the Australia get
more than one? I don't understand. I've got a hard
pass on this, and I think this is too You
can't choose one of us. I can't to choose one
(41:13):
if you. It's not because you are all so good though,
It's because I just can't picture my life in this bunker.
On the next bunker, bachelorette will want to choose the
man of her life. Well, the man from Germany ever
wake up? Will Chat ever find that backwards? Will the
irishman ever get over the fact that there's no more whiskey?
(41:36):
Will the Italian guys share his saucy? Well? The Australians
ever stopped fighting? Well, the Americans ever stopped looking at
the third books the thing and the Will the French
guy ever stop getting all the coffee? Will the Argentina
guys ip beating all that the steak? Will the the
(41:59):
gentleman from X go ever? Are you just like improvising
all they? You? Please stop all right next time on
the bunker that seemed to seem to in the Bunker.
(42:19):
S three was brought to this by Patreon v I
P Aaron. Who's the fella who leads all those hilarious
phone messages on our hotline that very few other people
have other ever ever used? Thank you Aaron for that
um And he always ends those calls with Okay, call
me back. Remember that something? So Aaron wrote, Hey, James,
(42:42):
You're the best. Now quit looking at this? Geez? How
about one of you guys was cast as Harry Potter
in the film, but showed up to set without having
read the script. Okay call me back? By so many
it was like that, And I remember when I first
(43:03):
came up on it. It wasn't anything bigger than that,
and I thought, well, if I'm going to do theater,
it's want to be. But I loved them, and then
from the old VIC. The old VIC was too tiny
for you pretty much, and I was like, look, if
I'm on, I have to get on a bigger screen,
which vent in my mind led to film TV or that.
(43:24):
So I pretty much met the actor. Have you met
the actor that's playing Harry Potter? No, he hasn't come
out of Austrailia. Do you know? Maybe all that and
he used to getting it? Do we call him Harry
to his face? For me? We just if you want
to start problems, I don't just going by name. What's
his name? I don't know. I think it's not a
(43:46):
cold sheet, isn't it. I didn't get a call sheet?
My your cute? If you didn't get a cold sheet,
don't you make up a wardrobe already? Today? Anyone can
go in there and get it done. It's not like
it's not allowed to do that. I mean a PA
took me in there by by name, he said, right,
you were there ready for you? I went in your
phone mate? If you didn't get a cool sheet, yeah,
(44:09):
right now? You can we not do this every morning
you're not working. I'll tell you this every morning you
come in here. He said, you found it into the
World show. You got your makeup? Don't we go to set?
The actually leave? How did you? How did you get
his job? Honestly? I would you blow? Did you blow someone?
Did you blow Kevin's? I don't even do that. I
was just for giggles, they saw, mate, all right, right,
(44:32):
I got cherry picking there, that's how it happened. All right,
Yeah you did get fucking cherry pick. Get out, he mate.
You're a piece of sheep. You're jealous, mate, and you
need to get a fucking rob all right I do, Yeah,
I need it. I'll once you got talk the fucking
Harry Potter all right, all right, will I'm gonna knock
on his trail. Here we go. I can't believe his
(45:01):
bloke's got a fucking doorbell, honest trailer and never saying
such a thing. Who is it? Uh? Yeah, it's redg
I'm in a movie with you, and I just wanted
to stop buying and introduced myself. So hello, you're not
in a fucking movie, mate, Thanks Nige. That's Nige. You're
not gonna like him anyways. Very excited to work with you,
(45:22):
and uh, you know, I just want to start the
morning on the right foot. All right, have a good
day then you american? No? Are you sound american? M Yeah,
maybe it's because i've is it Brad Pitt? What's that?
Are you Brad Pitt? I mean I liked this game?
(45:45):
Are you? Uh? Please please leave my trailer daughter, No,
it's just fun. Hold I'm not I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Please move away from the inside. Please get
off the handlebridge. Please you're not on this. God damn moved, Sydney.
Will you just don't? Are you there? Are you inside?
(46:07):
Not fantastic? I have g K Rowling with mich also
come inside and discuss some of the character choices. No,
thank you? What don't open the doors? J K Rallings
outside with me. Please open the door. Hi, it's me.
It's Joe Rowling, just here to just want to talk
over a few things for the first day. No, thank you,
(46:28):
don't think dot dom. You have to open the door. Jay,
this is say it through the door then, Mrs rall
I hope that's not too much of an ask. Well,
as you know, we're shooting scene forty two today, which
is someonelliant, brilliant someone in the middle of the script.
(46:51):
But you know, Harry of course, reveals a secret in
this and I just wanted to to make sure, because
it's something we're setting up for a future movie, that
you know that that we're on the same page as
far as what that secret is going to be. Okay, right, right,
right right right? How about he he uh, he's a
(47:15):
bad guy after all. No, No, I'm not asking you
to brainstorm. You've read. You've read the script and and
also the advanced copy of the new book that I
sent you. You know, so I think we are we
know where it's heading. I think we're just not totally
sure of how to play the scenes. So what about
if we keep that part a secret? Where it is
(47:37):
going to be kept a secrets? Right, I have a
great day, but you the actors, still need to know
where the character is coming from. Of course, I'm pop now, Okay, Well,
so I thank you again Simmons for coming down to
the SAT and working with us and see and everything.
We really do appreciate your input on the project. Where
(48:00):
you're talking to me, yes, well, yes, I wrote the
fucking thing, so yes, I again, I just appreciate you
coming down the progress and whatnot. Are you calling me
miss Simmons? Yes, that's a problem. Yeah, I'm sorry you
have being confused with j K. Simmons. JK. My friends
(48:23):
call me Joe K. Simmons, of course, a great American
actor from Whiplash and the Spider Man movie. What's the
sid Well? We both have the initials j K, but
a markedly different last name. You do those um home state,
but this insurance come out, don't you not? Nope, again,
that's j K. Simmons. I really can't place who I'm
(48:46):
thinking of. All right, thanks very much again for coming in.
We're just gonna lay down a couple of voice tracks
to see if it's a match for what the director
is looking for. Again, you're reading the part of Peter Parker,
whose uh superhero alias is uh Spiderman. Now, keep in
mind we're doing things a little different on this one.
(49:08):
Spiderman is Jewish. Uh, So when you read it would
be great if you could just have that in your
mind's sigh in terms of how to visualize Spiderman. So
we'll take it from page three whenever you want to
jump in. Oh god for skin Uh let's cut it.
(49:30):
I'm sorry, can I can I stop you there? It's okay.
Listen the script took sixteen months to write, so if
you want to just work from the scroup instead of
feeling the need to improvise, be wonderful. I'm happy to start.
You're happy to okay, So starting page three, whenever you're
ready to thank you, oh Man, I just take your
(49:50):
name first, if you wouldn't mind stating your name first,
that is going to go to the director. So I'm
happy named. I'm happy to be okay, whenever you're ready,
oh Man's four students. If I could just stop you
right there? Um, who's your waging again? I mean I'm
(50:12):
working with Cia William Morris and uh there I have.
My agent's name is Chris Alvarado, Amon, William Morris, William
Morris in endever, Okay, Um, I think we uh think
we got what we needed. So much pleasure. Thank you
(50:33):
and I hope to see you soon. Glenn. Can you
send him the next actor? Please? Sending the next actor? Please?
Who are such the only one waiting out here? Maybe
maybe I could go in. I've been waiting for hours.
I think that the next guy. There's only one guy
(50:56):
out there? All right, Glenn? Could you comment? Do you
want me to in? Yeah? Can you come in. I've
been looking out here. That's sorry. Hold on a second,
I'm Glenn. What is it? What do we do? What?
I can't hear you over the walking Oh sorry, there's
one guy out there waiting. So I was sending that
guy in. Do you want me to sendiment? Are you
gonna do it? I'll send him in? Alrighty, guys, I
(51:20):
got the I got the signing sheet here, got one
name left in the signing sheet? You want that the
clipboard the sign and she? Yeah, okay. You want me
to send Chuck in? Yeah? I mean he works with us.
Can you buzz me in? I can't the doors lost
Chuck on the list. Chuck's not on the list, but
Chuck has the list. I got the list right here.
(51:42):
Bring him? Can you buys me in? Okay, okay, buys
Chuck in? Yeah? Busbian all right, I'm I'm buzzing Tony in,
and then Tony's gonna buzz Chuck in. Come on me. Yeah, okay,
I'm in. Now there's nobody here. Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
(52:08):
can you hear me? Hello? Is anybody here? I got
the sign in cheat right here? Hello? Oh you know what?
I think? We all went to each other's rooms. Yeah,
we did. We buzzed each other into different rooms. All right.
Excuse me, excuse me. I've been waiting for my audition.
Time is on it. You're pissing everybody. Get in there, okay, Okay, Jesus,
(52:31):
this neurotic jew has no chance of booking this role,
not at all, Hollywood. So I'm here for the audition
for Peter Parker for the Spider Man movie. Right, thank
you for coming in today, Thank you for having me.
I'm we's gonna roll tape on. You can get this
to the director who's in Switzerland right now. I think
(52:52):
having lunch. But if you want to go ahead and
state your name character you're reading for, and then we'll
start on page three. Name is Roland. Okay, you don't
need to say name is. Just say your name first
and last and then the last name. Okay, it's a.
It's rolling. Don't need it's a. It's a. Just when
(53:14):
I ask, say your first and last name, and then
we're gonna start on page three. So Roland, uh, you're
here in my trailer. I understand you're gonna be Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, now, is that right? I believe my audition
for the rule of Spiderman. Uh is this the same?
Is this the same? I haven't looked at the script
(53:36):
for for anything except the Spiderman. Look, I was scheduled
to play every pot Okay, and I guess you did
such a good job you're a Spiderman audition that you're
now taking my role. This is embarrassing. I've read all
the Spiderman comic books. Was embarrassing for me. I'm not
prepared to play Harry Potter. I'm my leota to play
(53:58):
Spider as ruling. I have a J Rowling with me here.
I know I'm I'm j K. Simmons. There's been a mistake.
You thought I was j K Rowling Rol. Just just
just buzz them in roll fantastic. Okay, Now, Mrs Roland,
(54:19):
if you want to, I'm j K Simmons. Look whatever,
I'm a boy. Okay. So you guys are working with
me today. I mean it's pretty simple. We we tell
real stories that happened to real people who are insured
about disasters that befell them and then farmers did cover them.
(54:41):
So it's pretty simple. You have no lines um and
just looking forward to working with you. Are you sure
that this is the right trailer for me. I don't
think this is what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed
to be spite of it, Peter Parker, my uncle died. Like,
I don't need to know your secrets? Are you showing?
(55:02):
It's a pretty big secret. I like it when they
save it for the end. Well, I guess I haven't
seen this. I haven't seen the script for what you're
talking about. Oh, but I get it as an actor,
of like you want to keep that secret inside and
then that motivate you and everything. No, i'd like to
know the secrets. Oh no, you're telling me j K. Simmons. Uh,
(55:24):
how to have to act. I'm sorry, but you piste
off of j K. Simmons. We're gonna have to let
you go. But but I don't even think he was
part of the project. I didn't realize he was doing
spite of it. Well, look, you're an actor, Okay, You're
only given a limited amount of information. You have to
go based on that. Okay, to be fair. Uh, you've
been going to everybody crew in cast telling them that
(55:46):
you're inspired. All right, That production was shut down sixteen
years ago? How long ago? Well, you just said it
was sixteen years ago. That can't be true. I'm not
I'm barely. You're not a boy. You're not a boy,
You're not little boy. Okay, no little boy. You're a
fifty some moon year old man. And we weren't two
tight clothes. Hey, guys, guys, Um, James doesn't seem like himself.
(56:10):
I think he's like a different version of himself. So
when he comes into the diner, I'm not gonna do
an intervention with him. I just accept whoever he don't look,
this is my way. What do you mean? What do
you mean by different version? When has there ever been
the same version of James? That's a good question. I
just I feel like he's a little amped up with
it right now. I think it's been amplified recently. I
think maybe because he didn't get invited to Jess for
(56:31):
giggles and you know Craig always Craig with there and
killed it Joe. That was unfortunate. But still like, I
just gard okay my performance guard. Yeahs not sold out?
He's who could do that? Who's ever done that? No?
Not a single Polly? Sure, come on, he's an icon. MTV. Hey,
(56:57):
James's James. Hey, James doing another fucking intervention. Oh great, jeez,
you know what, I just don't feel myself today. Let
me be honest, does a does an asshole work like
a gas tanks? Because I just asshole in the bathroom,
(57:21):
and I think that I was tricked. I had my lips,
I sucked the ass ship came out. He told me
that's the only way he could go to the bathroom.
And now the guy's gone, not at all, man, And
you came right back to the table from us. Man,
you came right back to the table. I washed my hands.
You were speeding all over the food when you talk.
(57:43):
I can't eat any of this. How are you not
wearing a face mask? You always wear a face mask?
Why not today? Well it got shipped all over it
in the bathroom. Exactly Does it matter if he's supposed
to be some kind of goddamn intervention? No, jam, everything's fine.
You know what, I think. Joey's right. Do we even care? Man?
(58:04):
Let it just let it just settle word sou honestly,
Maybe because we care, we do nothing. How about that?
I like that because that kind of takes blame away
from us. I like that, right, they feel like Vanessa
would have been able to help. This is this intervention
of the real Sausage Party. Too many dicks on the
dance floor is gonna eat this? James, we were gonna, James,
(58:30):
we we're gonna, you know, talk to you today about
why you're ramped up, amped up and zamped up. But
instead we just want to embrace you for who you are,
what you are, why you are, and say welcome. Yeah, yeah,
thank you, because at the end of the day, I mean,
(58:51):
you're better than Joey. You're not as good as Vanessa,
but you have a good heart. So with us, and
I guess we're all we're all flawed. I'd like to
hear some positive stuff from you. Otherwise I feel like
a good finished intervention. I see you, and there you
are and uh, you're we're all here in the same room. Uh,
(59:14):
this is going out as a live reality show, by
the way, and commercial break. Okay, great, guys, we'll be
back again. All right, really good, really good. Can I
talk to Craig for a second. Yeah, great job. Joey.
What are you doing? Man? What am I doing? I'm
t I thought I thought we'd cured you of these
multiple characters. Okay, look, we're go. Look, I just need
(59:36):
to get a little more emotion. Okay, a little more emotion.
And here, don't you this is as emotional as I get. Bullshit, bullshit, okay,
bull true. Okay, I'm talking to a guy named piece
of stump the bog here. Okay, once you top that
top off, put on this little tank top. Just put
on the tank top. This is tight. Just put it on.
Put it on some weight. I didn't lose that much
(59:57):
weight the okay, great man, Okay, put on these sunglasses.
Is this just for you? This is just for me?
And put on these sunglasses here. These are really tight
as well. Alright, great, okay, Now when you get back
in there, okay again, why don't you get this new
surfer persona Okay, I think it's gonna had a lot
of flavor, do you Okay? All right, that's our show
(01:00:21):
for Ton. You got him into the tight sunglasses. Don't
know how you did it. Let's thank all of our outcomes, please,
Craig Kkowski, thank you so much, buddy, my pleasure. It's
always a blast. Hey, keep following me at Kikowski on
the Twitter, see Kikowski on Instagram, and anything gonna resolve
(01:00:42):
with Craig's list during the pandemic. We're hoping to record
that final episode at some point and put it out there.
But you know, could you be more in general beyond
at some point? What's that? Could you be more general
beyond the date of some point? Yeah, I think, uh,
you know, it'll be in during the pandemic. It will happen,
And yeah, I'm hearing great things and it's uh it's
(01:01:07):
beautiful and testing to the roof. Yeah, We're we're gonna
come out with something and I think people are really
looking forward to it. And uh, it's excited. It's excited,
and it's exciting. And Joey Greer, Yes, is Bear Supply
still zooming for We're zooming it up every Wednesday at
(01:01:28):
seven o'clock every wedvery Wednesday. James, myself, Morgan and Sean
check it out. It gets weird. And christ thank you
for that, Joey, Christo Ferado, Oh yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
happy to be here. Love doing this stuff with you guys.
Thanks for everyone who's listening. Um, I I still jump
onto the subready every now and then. And see people
(01:01:49):
have been commenting on on what is we're doing during
this time and that's nice. Also, I've lost like three
followers in the last couple of days. You know, it's like,
come on, guys, can grow me a bone, you know,
to make me throw me a bone. That's at Chriss Alvarado.
You know, at Chriss Alvarado. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna
pump your ship up and get at least two of
those three back at a boy. Thank you appreciate it, James, Well,
(01:02:12):
I gotta be honest, it looked like we were slowing
on reviews, and I thought, maybe it's just because it's
a hard time out there. But then surgeons and we've
got this new review from Pretty Pretty Pony, who's called
in It's a coincidental name that's similar, and it says
my love for this podcast is so great that since
I'm an Android user, I went out of my way
to reinstall iTunes on my computer just so I could
(01:02:34):
leave a review. It goes on and it's long, and
it's wonderful, great five star review. It just it warms
my heart in scary times to see five star reviews
pop up of our podcast. Pretty Pony, Thank you for
that review, and thank you James for sharing that, and
I would like to go on record as saying that, UM,
I am exceptionally grateful to my co alchemists for the
(01:02:55):
opportunity to put these new episodes out, during which we
uh you guys provided me with. I'm just gonna say
the most I've cried while laughing moment, which was the
can you buzz me in? I lost my ship and
uh and I can't explain to anyone what happened. There's
(01:03:16):
no way I'll recapture that in explanation. So I just
want to say thank you for that, and thank you
to Doug Bam, I'm wonderful engineer, big Be. Thanks to
the fine folks at I Heeart Media, and thank you
all out there. The patrons of course, but you listeners
who are non patron we love you, we appreciate you.
Please write to us, let us know what's going on.
(01:03:40):
Right to your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at dot com. Until next time. Hello, Hello,
Welcome back to another episode about this. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yest that, Kevin pollog No, I'm not completely
over the zoom experience. Thanks for asking, but I digress.
Let's meet our alchemists, shall we no particular order? Please
say hello to Chris Oberetta. Hello, hello, Mr Chris. What
(00:22):
are you doing these days for exercise? Good question. So
I do my own personal workouts, um, just about every day. Um.
I'm using dumbbells and body weights. I do chest upper
two times a week and and my lower body two
times a week. But then I've been going on three
mile hikes with my girlfriend and every time we see
(00:45):
a bench or a curb or we we're those freaks
in the street now that like do like like the
street workouts, will like step up on like a high
planter and like do our legs and stuff like that.
You know what I mean, I know those freaks. And
then yesterday I took my shirt off because it was
such a beautiful day. I don't have a great body.
I just wanted a little son, okay. And then there's
(01:06):
a little girl on a bike and her mom said,
come on, come on, come this way, come this way,
and The girl was shocked and she went, look, that
man doesn't have a shirt on. Scarred for life. And
I said, I'll put it back on. And the mom's like,
it's okay, but the damage had been done. Please tell
me that's already on your resume under skills. What's the
(01:28):
skill scaring little girls if by taking your shirt off? Yes,
I'll add that to actor's access before I bring you
into Mr Spielberg. It says here on your resume that
you can scare little girls by taking your shirt off.
Let me to show you what I'm working with her
three nipples. Okay, Uh, shut your trap. It's Craig Gatkowski. Cowp.
(01:50):
What's been the surprising bonus for you during the self quarantine?
Surprising bonus is that everybody's talking about inating weight. I've
been losing weight like a mofo. Uh. Yeah, that's good.
It seems like that's true all around in our crew,
because we've been rationing food very small portions. We've been
(02:14):
eating very small portions. And uh, I think it also
indicates that when I'm out and about, I eat a
fucking lot, and I eat three courses and not great food,
and uh, I'm eating healthy food and without really making
an effort losing weight. Yeah, it turns out exercise is
(02:34):
great for the h the physical body, but in terms
of weight actual weight loss, it's all about portion control
and stop eating after like seven at night. If you
want to get now, I know, if you want to
get the kitchen, I don't want to get cut It
turns out it's on the kitchen saying I never heard that.
(02:55):
How is that not a poster? That is? That's a
smart man. I'm gonna start voting because that's where the
knives are. Is that the point exactly? Now I'm talking
the corn cracked the corn. It's James Heeney, Jimmy John Jampoon.
Do you have a suggestion for what might replace the
(03:18):
handshake in our new normal encounters? I just I think
that eye contact and genuine joy to see a person
will show on your face. You don't need to touch someone.
In fact, I've never felt comfortable with being obliged to
touch and be touched. I've noticed that when we've hugged
in the past. Yeah, well yeah, and I don't try
(03:41):
not to let people notice. But it's always this like, yeah,
it's so so clear. Uh, but thank you for making
that the new mandate, thank you, And last, but may
your nuts be gathered and stored for COVID twenty if
you think him least. It's Joey career. Joe, Joe, Joe.
(04:03):
How is your Easter? So chill? He rose everything one
like clockwork, So we're good. He's gonna be born again
not too long from now, and then rapidly, and then
we'll do the whole thing again. We'll do the whole rigamarole.
We'll do the whole kill him again. You're gonna need
the Jews again like last nuk Man. Don't make it
(04:23):
personal like that. Okay, don't do this, Okay, all right,
do you know what happened? We know what happened. We
move on. Okay, No, I've clearly moved on. All right,
Let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions have gathered from our patron v I p s.
And the rest are from your listener emails. And can
(04:44):
I just say that last night I put up perhaps
one of the funniest sketches we've ever done as a
short and Patreon. I almost felt guilty. It's like, why
is this just going to the Patreon? It's so good
you shouldn't say it now, I'm just making people jealous.
There's a really funny short that I put up last
night to our Patreon. What can you tell us anything
(05:06):
about the short? Can you tease? It was insisting your review?
Is that so positive? Well, it's it's a real life.
Well it's so similar of a description to things that
we've done. But it's us as the ha has and
improv team, and we really kind of we kind of
spear you, Kevin. We are really great. We spear you
so hard in it. But it was laughing so hard,
(05:27):
it was it was embarrassing to be laughing that loud
at night. In my part was this did this take
place backstage at the live show? No? No, no, this
was this was like we recorded this. It's my fault.
I'm sorry. This was never something it was supposed to
be heard. Yeah, this was. Yeah, this was this was
(05:47):
part of Horrified. The recorded there's part of this. It's
like a three hour harangue of Pollock. Like it's it's like,
it's nasty. I think the Patreon members have been craving
a three hour Pollock harangue, So I think this is
gonna be just peach. I won't listen to it. I
(06:09):
mean you were laughing harder than any of us in
the episode, so I think you found it funny too.
It was. It was painfully funny when we recorded it. Okay,
so funny in fact, I don't remember it. Um alright.
See Number one comes to us from Patreon alcmaniac Will.
I believe he's a new Alcamaniac. Bless you will. He
(06:32):
wrote for everyone, Dear Alchemist, this is William Morris. No,
not that William Morris, the one from upstate St. Louis.
This is my second time writing into your podcast. I
suggested the Mad Scientists yard Sales sketch, which may have
been your first flop. I remember that one. That was hilarious,
(06:59):
but at least it ended with Chris explained exclaiming what
the funk are we doing to this day? My favorite
line Joey, you, my man? Are the bees tits? Nothing?
(07:20):
Simply nothing beats a Joey monologue? Yeah, yeah, we we
love bearing witness to that too. Super fun. We've tried
to beat them, but they just won't be beaten down.
I think we've tried to stop them. Uh fucking owl
bone prophecy guy Louisiana lawyer, judge. Anytime Joey is sick
(07:42):
or dying, I cannot get enough. I decree my underlying
allegiance in the Cult of the Great Greer Lord Joey,
bless us with your ramblings, annoying us with your guttural sounds. Anyways,
here's my scene suggestion. James look away. Now, that's what
(08:03):
they write in the page and page because James and
I are the only two to read them. Are you
taking photos? Chris? Oh? That was the top of my head?
You wanna take on what I'm looking at? Top of
my head? My least favorite part. Um? Uh, Joey look,
James look, James look away. Yep, the Alchemists help Joey
(08:26):
deal with a multiple personality disorder. Thank you so much.
Please keep it up. The world needs laughter more than
anything right now. Thank you. Alcamaniac, Will Morris listen, Joe
is gonna be here in let's see seven minutes, you
guys and um, yeah, but what Joe is gonna be
here in seven All right? Well, do you want to
(08:48):
pick your favorites before he gets here? I'm sorry you
don't wanna. I want to order now? Do you want
to wait till what I think. I'm good to go, guys. Guys,
he thinks he's the waitress. Do you want to what an? Now?
Do you want to wait? Well, we'll wait, thanks, Han,
Are you sure? Actually? You know what we should do
is we should make an order really quick and then
it'll buy us sometime. Um, you know what, I'll come back.
(09:09):
I'll just come back. It's fine. Oh yeah, she will
come back. He's really committing to these characters. Why is
he wearing a short skirt? Why will you wear a
short skirt so easily? Is my question? But this is
an intervention of sorts. Look, I don't think this is
a I don't think this is a problem. I mean especially,
(09:29):
I'm sorry to be uh five of you here in
six cheers? If I borrow this cheer? Were four of
us here? What do you need the chair for us? Sir?
I need the chair for for a friend of mine.
Is that friend gonna becoming soon? I mean, you're here alone,
(09:51):
as Kevin? Why are you antagonizing Joey? He's just I
think I don't think we know his name? What's your name?
Was Brandon? Brandon? Sorry? Brandon? Is it a is it
a lady? Gal? That's why why is he still wearing
a short skirt? I don't know. Just go with it,
because I feel like if we if we call it out,
(10:13):
it's gonna fund his brain up. Relatively lame for a
Joey character. Name sure you can think? Okay, all right,
thanks sir. So far, by the way, so far, I
see a trend. He came as the waitress left without
taking the order, came as the stranger wanting a chair,
(10:35):
left without taking the chair. I think that we build
this into the conversation with him, that he's not committing right,
and if he's not committing, maybe it's not all there.
Maybe he can come back to being a Chathan. I
think you should be careful what you wish for. There
are some things that we don't want him to commit to. Yeah,
and don't make me name two and three of that,
(10:56):
because it we get dirty fast. There are some things
that I am grateful that Joey doesn't commit to. Just
the third thing you're grateful? Well, okay, for the third thing,
I would say, it's slurping bodily fluids. And I've never
seen him actually do it, But if he committed to it,
it wouldn't make it better. I have to say that
of my week is taken up with interventions for fellow
(11:19):
cast members, like it's getting out of hand, Craig. We
were going to have an intervention for you, really frustrations
for interventions, but we didn't think you'd like it. That's
too meta. I appreciate the interventions, but I feel like
now I'm pretty much no my pro problems ironed out. Okay,
(11:44):
you brought hash browns to a restaurant. I mean yeah,
but I'm sorry. Yeah, so I see that you brought
some food out that at our restaurant. So you have
a duffle bag of looks there's other cook food. You're
burning out? Sure that we can't We can't have that.
(12:06):
We just can't have it. Oh, this is These are
medical great hashbrown so I have to have them. It's
like insulin for some people, but for me, this is,
oh my god, medal, medical greats. What did your disease?
You don't maybe prid too quickly do your medical history
right there? Come on, Joey, what are you doing? Don't
touch me? Don't you touch me? All right, I will
(12:27):
touch you touch me. I'm gonna shake this out of you, Joey.
It's us it's us. Oh you want to Craig hit
him hard? Where do you do that? You're getting hurt
(12:53):
of Craig? Mom? How many personalities do you have? Where's
the real Joey? I'll never tell you what accent is that?
Christ compell you? Never? You never compelling me? Never? Now?
What can I get you to eat a sampler? Oh?
Where's Joey? I want to talk to Joey and Telly,
(13:16):
but you have to give me. Okay, Joey, I'll give
you a secret. Just if I give you this secret?
You bring out, joe Okay, Sometimes when I'm alone, I
take out my toe nail clippers and use them on
my finger. Now, is that this really a secret? That
(13:40):
a secret? No? No one knows that other than you?
Why not we all do? Okay, no one knew that
that's that's your secret? Tell him a secret that we
can't hear. I don't know if it counts that way. Okay, Joey, Joey,
come here, whatever your name? Does anyone else want to
give a secret? This guy's secret? Sound really? He didn't
(14:00):
what I want? And um, excuse me? Part of me here?
Uh hi, Jonathan, I'm with the William Morris agencies. I
couldn't help, but see you go through those. Yeah, I'm
telling yeah, uh wow, impressive, really impressive works. Are you
(14:24):
familiar with the festival called Just for Giggles? I actually am.
I think I'm one of the founding members, happy to
jump in, though I haven't done in a while. He's
a compulsive liar too, So there's just for laughs in Montreal.
This is just for giggles in Michigan. Uh, I see
(14:48):
what's going on here? Listen, I'm gonna I'm gonna step away.
Wait wait wait? Give you my business card? Could I get?
Could I give you mine? If you're yeah, you're James Heney. Yeah,
you're the real James Heney. That's the one. Oh, huge fan,
love the briefs. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait,
hold on, hold on. I mean I have a card too.
Let's give me a second. Here, I gave him my card.
I don't for a child's birthday. Here you go and
(15:11):
inside its big fan, big fan, Thanks buddy. I'm I
have representation. I'm good okay, And you, sir, I don't
recognize you? Are you? Uh? I'm just passers by. Oh
that makes sense, that makes sense. But I'm thinking about
thinking about getting into biz, suggestions about how I would
do that. Well, now we're doing casting. It's different. It's
(15:34):
a different time. Unless you have where did Chris go?
I don't know where. That's weird, Oh, man, Joey, Sir, sir, listen, uh,
I can just have a reel. I can do I
could do it right now if you want some acting reel.
I just saw it. I really enjoyed it and just
got off the tracks. When when you said that you
(15:55):
were the co founder of the Just for Giggles festival,
did you say that? Oh? Maybe I said that. That's
your name, sir? In the Chris? Are you in the bathroom? Chris? Yeah?
What's up to Chris? There's an Asian out there. Everybody's
getting at you. Gotta get out of here. U has
(16:18):
he talked to Joey yet? Did? He's really impressed with Joey.
I don't know. He needs to know, he needs to know.
I'm better. Amen. I'm not saying are you in the bathroom?
I'm done now, I'm done. We'll stay in there, man,
I need to use it. Wait, why do you look?
Stay in there? Man? James James being fellas need a
mentor a hand towel. I need a hand towel, all right,
(16:42):
probap some gum. Now, this is a towel to clean hands,
is co. It's to dry your hands. Dry your hands,
all right? And I'm not see you here. I'm gonna
use the worst of real quick bathroom. Hey, buddy, and
you come in here with me right now. Yeah, I
got to use them. I think he's talking to you know,
I'm not man, I'm talking to you, buddy. Come on later, James. Okay,
(17:04):
you guys, what did I miss? Nothing's happening to this guy.
Nothing's agent. He's about to sign my ass wow. Um.
Actually I just lost my representation recently because of this
whole situation. Where the uh that's funny, that's funny. I
can do a couple of characters for you if you like.
(17:25):
I think I'm okay, I think let's see it. Like,
hold on a second, please, I am an Asian with
C A A, and I too would like to see
your talents do it. You're you're what. I'm an Asian
with C A A. The Chinese Athletic Association, that's the one. Okay,
I'm not that athletic, but I do. I heard you
(17:47):
do squats out on the open outside. Okay, Um, well, no,
I appreciate the offer. I'm just not looking for representation
in the athletic field. I am, however, looking how long
have you been going the bathroom? I was just going
in here to get a friend. I didn't need to
go to the bathroom. You haven't go in the bathroom
a long time, pretty much a whole live. Oh you
(18:08):
mean how long in my life have I been using
the bathroom? Ye think I thought you meant like how
long I've been in here? Like? I mean, I just
walked in here before you did. Oh, I was using
the bathroom since I was probably I don't remember, but three.
I assume whatever the appropriate age learned bathroom. I mean, wait,
(18:28):
you you you let bowels out only when you were three?
You didn't go before? Well, I mean before I wasn't
using a special room designated for it. This isn't inappropriate, Honestly,
I don't know what you're trying to get at. I'm
trying to go to the bathroom, and I need you
in here with me while I'm going to bathroom. All right,
I don't want to hold your hand, sir. I don't
think it's helpful. Well, it's not helpful for me either
if you don't hold it right now. I need pressure
(18:50):
points on the inside of my palms. All right. I
can't go unless I do that. I have a very
tight spincter. You know what that's like. I know now
you don't know what that's like, right, Okay? I like
every day in pain? Well okay, so where is it
that I gotta press your hand? No, Craig, what can
I do to get you to headline? Just for giggles
(19:11):
this year on? I mean I have a standard ask Okay, okay, okay,
that sounds fair. Got a standard as that's funny. Now
you're Joey. Now you're Joey. Don't don't do this? Okay,
get out of my face? Man, do you want to
get your faces? Look, dude, I'm gonna get this as
(19:32):
Dida's deal and this Ford deal. Will you like it
or not? Okay? Big time baby? Like My standard ASK
is a first class flights round trip twenty thousand and
uh three nights at a five star hotel. Okay, I'll
double that? Do so? You want? You wants in cash?
(19:56):
Six nights at a and that's yes, yes, yes, And
I won't do it with that. So if I don't
get that, then then you can go and suck my
ass because I'm done. No, no, don't don't done, done, done, done. Yeah,
Hi again, thanks for coming in today. Um. I just
(20:18):
have a couple of questions out to your examination. Have
you been asking a greater than average number of people
to suck your ass? Because I'm seeing some marks here
that don't otherwise make sense. Yeah, that's true. It is
true that you ask a lot of people to suck
your ass. Do I have a very touch specter? I
(20:39):
need help with suction? Okay? And when did you first
notice this? First notice this? When I first said ballot movies? Okay,
So I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to insert
something and you tell me when you feel it. Okay,
this first item is very okay, here we go. Did
(21:00):
you did you do it? I did? I can't feel it.
Quail leg? Yeah? All right, let me try another item. Here?
Are you taking anything out of You're just leaving in
there and pushing the further. Well, if you don't feel that,
I don't see the difference. All right, I don't want
to take the quail leg out. And now I'm gonna
put in a new item. Here we go. Did you
(21:22):
and do you feel that? Did you do it? It's
in there, Hi there and the doctor. I'm what the
fun is going? One, Let's get out of here. Let's
get the hell out of here. Holy no, wait, no, son,
Well let me come on, box me out, man, let
me get out of here. Man, come on, okay, all right,
Holy shit, we almost got caught man, We almost got
(21:44):
his man. Holy ship almost had a two, almost had
a two before. Come on, may don't tell me man,
I want to guess this ship. No damn man. Well
now the whole gang was ruined. I know what was coming.
God damn it. And that is san one mother McCree,
(22:04):
very very real, very very I lost myself. That is
my standard. Asked, by the way, for anybody listening. It's
also Joey's a ten star hotel six nights at a
tense star. Seem to come from the initials see as
(22:26):
in Charlie M. As in Mary c. M, who wrote
as the world collapses into turmoil, countries chose one person
to live in a bunker. It's orientation Day. Thanks the
dandie dude from Dallas. C M. All right, we just
need to I think we need Germany and Spain. It
(22:51):
looks like the last two entries into the bunker. Does
anyone have any progress reports on Germany? Or I don't
enough a Germany? Is? Are you the are you the
chosen One? I don't know? Maybe? Okay, I see a
little coquettish that will do you very very well in
(23:15):
the bunker. I apologize that I am running late. Are
you the gentleman from Spain? We're waiting on? Yes, I
am the bunker. My name is James. That's what I
have here. J apostrophe A M E Yes? Is that right? Yes? James?
Or let change this change O colmo stars. This is
(23:41):
the Bunker Jahames and the gentleman from Germany, the chosen One?
Your name schoonliding? You got that school? It seems to
be metamorphosizing. It's an unusually short name. What's the first
letter in that bluegle Okay, I cannot say that. You
(24:06):
can't say blue lob. We'll call you be. I'll call
you be. My name is I short in its gluen sizon?
Did you call me it? Doesn't? You know? What I'll
go into that banker is he irons see from Welcome
(24:29):
to the bank, Welcome to the banker. Mate. Where where's
you from? Then? Are you talking to me? Possibly your Spain?
You might be able to tell from my accent. I
would not have guessed Spain. No, maybe like a pirate
of some going maybe a Spanish pirate? Are you a
(24:49):
Spanish pirate? But do you know? Do you know? Why?
Do you suppose why you were chosen? I believe it
was a lottery. A lottery, Yes, I believe it was
a lottery. We were all chosen for different reasons. What
about you, sir? From Germany? Was it? Do you know
why you were chosen? Care to share? Yes? I found
(25:13):
I was the best tickler. Tickler, I do not like
to be tickled, so please do not tickle me. I
don't think he was going to tickle your mate. He's
a tickler. I'm sorry. What's the difference? Oh my mistake? Tickler?
(25:34):
And what about you man? Where are you from? Me? Nope?
Talking to the mate? Was already here. Oh I'm yoursa
from Poland? Poland? Grant. Do you know why you were chosen?
We're just going around the bend here, probably because I
am a scientist. See, now there's a reason this bloke
over here was what was it? Tickler? The Germans crowd
(25:59):
sauce was chosen for tickling and the Spanish pirate. I
thought looting perhaps, but no, he says, it's a lottery.
What about you, mate? Uh? I built a bunker American
m hm. How long did it take to build a banker? Man? Um?
(26:20):
Three and a half weeks we had, we had union
people on the job. Those are great papers. Two and
a half weeks, man, Yeah, three and a half weeks. Yeah,
where are the ladies? Oh? It is real sausage party
in here. It's real sausage party. I was expecting it
(26:41):
to be a close to fifty. Didn't somebody say a sausage?
It leaves somebody system? And then what is your name?
And my name is h Yes, it's a very common
(27:02):
Italian name. In Italian name, I have a little victor,
I have a little I have a nice amount, I
have a nice tep back. Look. Look look at what
I can do if I put those spoons together and
I rob look at this. Look look at you made
(27:22):
gold coins? Make gold coins. It's super simple. Is that
why you were chosen there? I wasn't chosen because I'm
a mega so chosen for your ability to make the
only person in it to make it the best cure me?
(27:44):
And did you bring with you up? Sorry to interrupt,
Sorry to interrupt. This is important. So as you can tell,
you've all been chosen selected, you all here, Yeah, that's
good news. There there will be one woman entering the bunker.
Now what job? Her job here is to find who
(28:06):
she thinks is the best mate and begin, uh you know,
procreating with that person. So this is like a Bachelor
Ate episode. Basically, this sounds like a very good odds
for me. I'm yes, but but but the steaks are
much much higher. What do you mean by that? How
(28:26):
high are the stakes? Then? What what do you mean?
What do I mean? It's how we okay? Then I'll answer,
I guess it was clear. What do you mean? The
only rule is they're going to be some kind of
dancing that I had to dance on, not to dance
and Germany, why don't you put a socket and let
(28:47):
the man explain. I can't do it. I can't bear consers,
these presses. He says. There must be a fair bunker.
There must be no no, no, no, no, no no.
We had union men builders for three and a half weeks.
There are getting out of here. That's gonna be enough time.
That's enough time had to be structurally sounds such inspection. Gentlemen,
(29:08):
May I introduce you. I'm a tea wander. Well, hello,
wonder on this one, wonder, Hi, this is really it
looks like though what wonder twins with the same fucking name. No, no, no, no,
(29:30):
no no. I'm I'm a man. I just sound like
a woman. That's not a big deal. Okay, that Wanda
has a brother, well, I figured it was okay to
bring my brother along. There's no way that this would
be the connection obviously, so he's not. Well, we're not
going to rule any mail out. What do you mean
(29:51):
trying to make you want to start that? You want
to write stuff like insist. I think you' to try
started like the royal family whoever gets whoever? You know
what I mean? All right, let's set this up. We
were about to get the one rule. Yes, I would
(30:13):
like the rules explained to me as well. I'm glad
I'm here. This a dance thing. I can't stand I'm
not allowed to dance. I have a strange feat in
a circular vein my needs to be a displaced and
I pop out and trying to step up. You will
line up single file, a few moments alone or not alone,
(30:39):
a few moments with one, tell her why you might
make a good partner for her, and at the end
she will select who she will start the new human
race with. And how was she doing that by presenting
a rose to that person? This is a Bachelorette episode.
We have flowers. They're not roses. We're not ripping off
the Bachelor, but of the Bachelor, right, best flowers? Yeah,
(31:02):
we just happen to have carnation. It's available. What is
this doing they are documenting? I mean, this is the
beginning of the new humanity? Hey, how you doing what
I'm say? I'm your handler, so I'm gonna be taking
care of you, okay, scientist guy from yes from Poland? Yeah, whatever, Look,
I'm gonna be working with you. Okay. So let's give
some emotions in there, all right, let's really make it
(31:24):
pop up? Can we really want this to be a hot? Hot?
Are you coaching me? What? What is this? I want
to do? Natural? Want to be natural? All right? So
let's little Look, I thought I signed up for an
experiment and not a reality show. One would say to
the same thing. Okay, now, so listen, let's just say
all right, then I'm hurt. What would you say to me? Uh?
One day, I am yours, I am a scientist from Poland.
(31:46):
I am here to your name is Let's change it.
Let's let's go to Philip. People like Philip Philip. Yeah,
let's say you're a pilot. Is that cool? That's not
my name and not my job. Okay, so you're a pilot.
All right, let's say you're twenty two. Okay, hello, Janda,
I'm a twenty two year old pilot from Poland. My
(32:07):
name is Philip. You would look very hot. Is that
what you want? Great? Little more emotional, little more emotion.
This is the most emotional Polish person can possibly But
then we're fucked, phil Okay, do you understand that if
you get picked it ups me my job? Okay, I
get a little rasied if that happens. Hi there, Hi, Hi,
Hi Spanish guy. Hi, I'm your handler here. Um, listen,
(32:29):
it's it's important to me that you get Wanda. You
know what I mean? Ah, that makes sense. I want
to get Wanda as well. Good. Good, good. Good. So
you're from Spain, of course. Okay, you can call me
Johas instead of Spanish guy. If you know, Johannes is
a terrible name. Anything around the root word James is
(32:51):
very unsexy. Um, try try Philip. Can you say Philip? Philip?
My name is Philipp Okay, okay, okay, And what do
you do for a living? Well? Between you and I?
I was a pirate, but I don't really want that
to be out there. Okay, how about we we we
switched pirate to pilot. Oh that sounds very similar. Okay, okay,
(33:14):
so great. And now let's just cover your age. How
old are you? Okay? Forties three years old? No, no, no,
I don't say that. I don't say that ever again.
You're twenty two from now one. Okay, listen, if you
get this, it helps me. Okay, you don't understand. I
can't doose this. Okay, I don't want to do this.
I don't know what to do if it's this. Alright,
(33:36):
I'm your pirate, okay, my pirates pate jeans, Oh my god,
all it's locked this board. Everyone got to hand that.
I got to pirates. What does this mean? Pate? A
pirate earlier it was really bleeding in. You've got to
(33:59):
call for pirate. Pirate everyone mistake. Everyone's got to handle that. No,
of course, I don't have a handleg and a pirate. Okay,
you might have gotten one of the worst handlers, but
I obviously got the worst count. All right, lady and gentlemen,
the time has come or wanted to make her decision
(34:23):
all of us. Not all of us have had our
time with it, though, Osh a chance to I haven't
got wonder mother name has a field. I'm a pilot.
I'm two years old. I am sorry. I can I
have a moment with the producers of the show or whatever?
(34:48):
Do you mean? I'm also a pilot. I am also
a pilot who was twenty two years old? Irish sir,
I'm very emotional. I can fly planes, man, I'm twenty one.
Don't see. Here's the problem is I I don't like pilots.
My father was a pilot and he was never around
fishing boat. Huh. I can also run a fishing boat.
(35:10):
That's interesting. You didn't tell me that during our moment
that we had together, but it was so so short.
It was what about me and your brother? I mean,
I am an Honestly, I don't think that that would
good for the human race. You're a pilot. You followed
dad in his footsteps. I think that I've really been
trying to get away from that anything except pilot. Okay, Okay,
this is sick. This is honestly sick. I'm not going
(35:33):
to get together with my brother. I mean, that's what
I was saying, Wander, could you could you tell us
something about yourself other than being the only woman down here,
because I'm ready to turn Well, I grew up in
the Midwest. Yea, I'd like to talk to one of
you fellows. Commercial break. Okay, we're out Okay, great, guys,
(35:55):
Let's take a stick of ten going out live. That's
going out live? Yes, you live? Do we get to
leave ten minutes for we're in a bunker? Okay to
post a talk to the hell skate out there? You
think you want to leave? What's it? Ten minutes for commercials? Commercials? Commercials?
(36:16):
Who's just there? Who's watching? This year? When we come back,
everybody should know, when we come back, it will be
the dance off. It will be the big group dance.
At which points this kind of because I noticed this
this is my hell. Please please someone killing me, somebody
charging me? Please, I don't care how. And we're back
(36:36):
in five. Don't finish that county? Oh god please? Alright,
who have a signal out there? And this we call's
no God, there's no nothing to say it now play
a little song for everybody today, So God, no, please.
I really should have looked over those papers that I signed, babe, bang,
(37:01):
look at this moves one. Philip? Can I talk? Man?
Are you talking to Philip? Can talk to you? Yes, Philip? No,
not phil Philip. I can talk Philip and talk to Philip. Yes,
that needs my name? Philip. Can I talk to Philip? Please?
Do you mean James? Philip? I need it starts to
Philip the Pirates. He's in his twenties and he's talk
(37:23):
to Philip Parks. Definite leave me, that's most definitely. I
need to talk to Philip. He's in his twenties. He's
a Pilot's not you? Okay. I don't know what else
to say. I have been told that I am Philip,
and I am twenty two, and I am a pilot. Man,
I'm not your fucking handler. Okay, excuse me? There a problem? Yeah,
(37:45):
they're talking to my guys. I'm not talking to your guy.
Your guy was talking to me. I'm trying to find
my guy fhlip. He was looking for Philip. And as
we have discussed, this is did you looking for me?
I am a guy, I'm a Philip at the video? Wanda,
have you made your decision? Um? Is it? Uh? Let's
(38:08):
see all right, we're going to commercial now, let's go
to commercial grade. Okay, we got ten until we're back
to just take your time, relax. We've got ten minutes still,
we're back, and then we're gonna make that final call. Okay, Well,
you're really stretching out the drama of this. Yeah. Well,
there's nothing else going on there, Okay, buddy, Okay, my
Russian friend, there's nothing else to please keep away from
(38:30):
the craft service place. That's for Wanda only. As for
Wanda only, it's like a huge spread. She can possibly
eat all this food. This a lobster will look bad
very soon. There's parogi here. I mean this has to
be for me. Listen, Wanda has had a few asks
before she came in here, and that was staying at
a Booboo Star hotel for six nights and this large spread.
(38:55):
This is a ridiculous ask. So do you the production
company know about that? This ask? Oh, yeah, we made
a disaster. I knew it. That's Hollywood, baby, and we're
back in oh oh las and jud lady and gentlemen.
(39:19):
Wanda has made her decision. Well, all the men from
all the countries please line up. One will be handed
the carnation. See a German Man's kneecaps are displaced and
he seems to have passed out from pain. Is anyone
else caring? No one cares? Okay, okay, I said, I
(39:42):
went to pick the German Man. I wasn't going to
pick the German Man. I would say that the number
one probably the Irishman. But is it too late for
me to just go back to the health escape and
deal with the whatever turmoil might come about and pass
this carnation to another woman to decide. No, you do
have that choice. You can walk out of that door. Wait,
(40:04):
that's an option for real, for her, for her, maybe
you and I can just get out of here together,
because I don't think I want to be in this bunker. Also,
of course, you're not limited to the five countries that
have been heavily featured. There's somebody, there's a man here
from every country around the world. It's like there's like
a hundred and seventy fellows in here. What about being
on Chad from Chad? Have you talked to Chad from Chad?
(40:28):
Not for most good eye? I'm also she didn't want
to be one of its. Hey, let's part it out.
This is this is a riser blind. Wait does that
(40:51):
another guy from Australia looks like from Australia looks like
the paper or from Mosey? How did the Australia get
more than one? I don't understand. I've got a hard
pass on this, and I think this is too You
can't choose one of us. I can't to choose one
(41:13):
if you. It's not because you are all so good though,
It's because I just can't picture my life in this bunker.
On the next bunker, bachelorette will want to choose the
man of her life. Well, the man from Germany ever
wake up? Will Chat ever find that backwards? Will the
irishman ever get over the fact that there's no more whiskey?
(41:36):
Will the Italian guys share his saucy? Well? The Australians
ever stopped fighting? Well, the Americans ever stopped looking at
the third books the thing and the Will the French
guy ever stop getting all the coffee? Will the Argentina
guys ip beating all that the steak? Will the the
(41:59):
gentleman from X go ever? Are you just like improvising
all they? You? Please stop all right next time on
the bunker that seemed to seem to in the Bunker.
(42:19):
S three was brought to this by Patreon v I
P Aaron. Who's the fella who leads all those hilarious
phone messages on our hotline that very few other people
have other ever ever used? Thank you Aaron for that
um And he always ends those calls with Okay, call
me back. Remember that something? So Aaron wrote, Hey, James,
(42:42):
You're the best. Now quit looking at this? Geez? How
about one of you guys was cast as Harry Potter
in the film, but showed up to set without having
read the script. Okay call me back? By so many
it was like that, And I remember when I first
(43:03):
came up on it. It wasn't anything bigger than that,
and I thought, well, if I'm going to do theater,
it's want to be. But I loved them, and then
from the old VIC. The old VIC was too tiny
for you pretty much, and I was like, look, if
I'm on, I have to get on a bigger screen,
which vent in my mind led to film TV or that.
(43:24):
So I pretty much met the actor. Have you met
the actor that's playing Harry Potter? No, he hasn't come
out of Austrailia. Do you know? Maybe all that and
he used to getting it? Do we call him Harry
to his face? For me? We just if you want
to start problems, I don't just going by name. What's
his name? I don't know. I think it's not a
(43:46):
cold sheet, isn't it. I didn't get a call sheet?
My your cute? If you didn't get a cold sheet,
don't you make up a wardrobe already? Today? Anyone can
go in there and get it done. It's not like
it's not allowed to do that. I mean a PA
took me in there by by name, he said, right,
you were there ready for you? I went in your
phone mate? If you didn't get a cool sheet, yeah,
(44:09):
right now? You can we not do this every morning
you're not working. I'll tell you this every morning you
come in here. He said, you found it into the
World show. You got your makeup? Don't we go to set?
The actually leave? How did you? How did you get
his job? Honestly? I would you blow? Did you blow someone?
Did you blow Kevin's? I don't even do that. I
was just for giggles, they saw, mate, all right, right,
(44:32):
I got cherry picking there, that's how it happened. All right,
Yeah you did get fucking cherry pick. Get out, he mate.
You're a piece of sheep. You're jealous, mate, and you
need to get a fucking rob all right I do, Yeah,
I need it. I'll once you got talk the fucking
Harry Potter all right, all right, will I'm gonna knock
on his trail. Here we go. I can't believe his
(45:01):
bloke's got a fucking doorbell, honest trailer and never saying
such a thing. Who is it? Uh? Yeah, it's redg
I'm in a movie with you, and I just wanted
to stop buying and introduced myself. So hello, you're not
in a fucking movie, mate, Thanks Nige. That's Nige. You're
not gonna like him anyways. Very excited to work with you,
(45:22):
and uh, you know, I just want to start the
morning on the right foot. All right, have a good
day then you american? No? Are you sound american? M Yeah,
maybe it's because i've is it Brad Pitt? What's that?
Are you Brad Pitt? I mean I liked this game?
(45:45):
Are you? Uh? Please please leave my trailer daughter, No,
it's just fun. Hold I'm not I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Please move away from the inside. Please get
off the handlebridge. Please you're not on this. God damn moved, Sydney.
Will you just don't? Are you there? Are you inside?
(46:07):
Not fantastic? I have g K Rowling with mich also
come inside and discuss some of the character choices. No,
thank you? What don't open the doors? J K Rallings
outside with me. Please open the door. Hi, it's me.
It's Joe Rowling, just here to just want to talk
over a few things for the first day. No, thank you,
(46:28):
don't think dot dom. You have to open the door. Jay,
this is say it through the door then, Mrs rall
I hope that's not too much of an ask. Well,
as you know, we're shooting scene forty two today, which
is someonelliant, brilliant someone in the middle of the script.
(46:51):
But you know, Harry of course, reveals a secret in
this and I just wanted to to make sure, because
it's something we're setting up for a future movie, that
you know that that we're on the same page as
far as what that secret is going to be. Okay, right, right,
right right right? How about he he uh, he's a
(47:15):
bad guy after all. No, No, I'm not asking you
to brainstorm. You've read. You've read the script and and
also the advanced copy of the new book that I
sent you. You know, so I think we are we
know where it's heading. I think we're just not totally
sure of how to play the scenes. So what about
if we keep that part a secret? Where it is
(47:37):
going to be kept a secrets? Right, I have a
great day, but you the actors, still need to know
where the character is coming from. Of course, I'm pop now, Okay, Well,
so I thank you again Simmons for coming down to
the SAT and working with us and see and everything.
We really do appreciate your input on the project. Where
(48:00):
you're talking to me, yes, well, yes, I wrote the
fucking thing, so yes, I again, I just appreciate you
coming down the progress and whatnot. Are you calling me
miss Simmons? Yes, that's a problem. Yeah, I'm sorry you
have being confused with j K. Simmons. JK. My friends
(48:23):
call me Joe K. Simmons, of course, a great American
actor from Whiplash and the Spider Man movie. What's the
sid Well? We both have the initials j K, but
a markedly different last name. You do those um home state,
but this insurance come out, don't you not? Nope, again,
that's j K. Simmons. I really can't place who I'm
(48:46):
thinking of. All right, thanks very much again for coming in.
We're just gonna lay down a couple of voice tracks
to see if it's a match for what the director
is looking for. Again, you're reading the part of Peter Parker,
whose uh superhero alias is uh Spiderman. Now, keep in
mind we're doing things a little different on this one.
(49:08):
Spiderman is Jewish. Uh, So when you read it would
be great if you could just have that in your
mind's sigh in terms of how to visualize Spiderman. So
we'll take it from page three whenever you want to
jump in. Oh god for skin Uh let's cut it.
(49:30):
I'm sorry, can I can I stop you there? It's okay.
Listen the script took sixteen months to write, so if
you want to just work from the scroup instead of
feeling the need to improvise, be wonderful. I'm happy to start.
You're happy to okay, So starting page three, whenever you're
ready to thank you, oh Man, I just take your
(49:50):
name first, if you wouldn't mind stating your name first,
that is going to go to the director. So I'm
happy named. I'm happy to be okay, whenever you're ready,
oh Man's four students. If I could just stop you
right there? Um, who's your waging again? I mean I'm
(50:12):
working with Cia William Morris and uh there I have.
My agent's name is Chris Alvarado, Amon, William Morris, William
Morris in endever, Okay, Um, I think we uh think
we got what we needed. So much pleasure. Thank you
(50:33):
and I hope to see you soon. Glenn. Can you
send him the next actor? Please? Sending the next actor? Please?
Who are such the only one waiting out here? Maybe
maybe I could go in. I've been waiting for hours.
I think that the next guy. There's only one guy
(50:56):
out there? All right, Glenn? Could you comment? Do you
want me to in? Yeah? Can you come in. I've
been looking out here. That's sorry. Hold on a second,
I'm Glenn. What is it? What do we do? What?
I can't hear you over the walking Oh sorry, there's
one guy out there waiting. So I was sending that
guy in. Do you want me to sendiment? Are you
gonna do it? I'll send him in? Alrighty, guys, I
(51:20):
got the I got the signing sheet here, got one
name left in the signing sheet? You want that the
clipboard the sign and she? Yeah, okay. You want me
to send Chuck in? Yeah? I mean he works with us.
Can you buzz me in? I can't the doors lost
Chuck on the list. Chuck's not on the list, but
Chuck has the list. I got the list right here.
(51:42):
Bring him? Can you buys me in? Okay, okay, buys
Chuck in? Yeah? Busbian all right, I'm I'm buzzing Tony in,
and then Tony's gonna buzz Chuck in. Come on me. Yeah, okay,
I'm in. Now there's nobody here. Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
(52:08):
can you hear me? Hello? Is anybody here? I got
the sign in cheat right here? Hello? Oh you know what?
I think? We all went to each other's rooms. Yeah,
we did. We buzzed each other into different rooms. All right.
Excuse me, excuse me. I've been waiting for my audition.
Time is on it. You're pissing everybody. Get in there, okay, Okay, Jesus,
(52:31):
this neurotic jew has no chance of booking this role,
not at all, Hollywood. So I'm here for the audition
for Peter Parker for the Spider Man movie. Right, thank
you for coming in today, Thank you for having me.
I'm we's gonna roll tape on. You can get this
to the director who's in Switzerland right now. I think
(52:52):
having lunch. But if you want to go ahead and
state your name character you're reading for, and then we'll
start on page three. Name is Roland. Okay, you don't
need to say name is. Just say your name first
and last and then the last name. Okay, it's a.
It's rolling. Don't need it's a. It's a. Just when
(53:14):
I ask, say your first and last name, and then
we're gonna start on page three. So Roland, uh, you're
here in my trailer. I understand you're gonna be Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, now, is that right? I believe my audition
for the rule of Spiderman. Uh is this the same?
Is this the same? I haven't looked at the script
(53:36):
for for anything except the Spiderman. Look, I was scheduled
to play every pot Okay, and I guess you did
such a good job you're a Spiderman audition that you're
now taking my role. This is embarrassing. I've read all
the Spiderman comic books. Was embarrassing for me. I'm not
prepared to play Harry Potter. I'm my leota to play
(53:58):
Spider as ruling. I have a J Rowling with me here.
I know I'm I'm j K. Simmons. There's been a mistake.
You thought I was j K Rowling Rol. Just just
just buzz them in roll fantastic. Okay, Now, Mrs Roland,
(54:19):
if you want to, I'm j K Simmons. Look whatever,
I'm a boy. Okay. So you guys are working with
me today. I mean it's pretty simple. We we tell
real stories that happened to real people who are insured
about disasters that befell them and then farmers did cover them.
(54:41):
So it's pretty simple. You have no lines um and
just looking forward to working with you. Are you sure
that this is the right trailer for me. I don't
think this is what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed
to be spite of it, Peter Parker, my uncle died. Like,
I don't need to know your secrets? Are you showing?
(55:02):
It's a pretty big secret. I like it when they
save it for the end. Well, I guess I haven't
seen this. I haven't seen the script for what you're
talking about. Oh, but I get it as an actor,
of like you want to keep that secret inside and
then that motivate you and everything. No, i'd like to
know the secrets. Oh no, you're telling me j K. Simmons. Uh,
(55:24):
how to have to act. I'm sorry, but you piste
off of j K. Simmons. We're gonna have to let
you go. But but I don't even think he was
part of the project. I didn't realize he was doing
spite of it. Well, look, you're an actor, Okay, You're
only given a limited amount of information. You have to
go based on that. Okay, to be fair. Uh, you've
been going to everybody crew in cast telling them that
(55:46):
you're inspired. All right, That production was shut down sixteen
years ago? How long ago? Well, you just said it
was sixteen years ago. That can't be true. I'm not
I'm barely. You're not a boy. You're not a boy,
You're not little boy. Okay, no little boy. You're a
fifty some moon year old man. And we weren't two
tight clothes. Hey, guys, guys, Um, James doesn't seem like himself.
(56:10):
I think he's like a different version of himself. So
when he comes into the diner, I'm not gonna do
an intervention with him. I just accept whoever he don't look,
this is my way. What do you mean? What do
you mean by different version? When has there ever been
the same version of James? That's a good question. I
just I feel like he's a little amped up with
it right now. I think it's been amplified recently. I
think maybe because he didn't get invited to Jess for
(56:31):
giggles and you know Craig always Craig with there and
killed it Joe. That was unfortunate. But still like, I
just gard okay my performance guard. Yeahs not sold out?
He's who could do that? Who's ever done that? No?
Not a single Polly? Sure, come on, he's an icon. MTV. Hey,
(56:57):
James's James. Hey, James doing another fucking intervention. Oh great, jeez,
you know what, I just don't feel myself today. Let
me be honest, does a does an asshole work like
a gas tanks? Because I just asshole in the bathroom,
(57:21):
and I think that I was tricked. I had my lips,
I sucked the ass ship came out. He told me
that's the only way he could go to the bathroom.
And now the guy's gone, not at all, man, And
you came right back to the table from us. Man,
you came right back to the table. I washed my hands.
You were speeding all over the food when you talk.
(57:43):
I can't eat any of this. How are you not
wearing a face mask? You always wear a face mask?
Why not today? Well it got shipped all over it
in the bathroom. Exactly Does it matter if he's supposed
to be some kind of goddamn intervention? No, jam, everything's fine.
You know what, I think. Joey's right. Do we even care? Man?
(58:04):
Let it just let it just settle word sou honestly,
Maybe because we care, we do nothing. How about that?
I like that because that kind of takes blame away
from us. I like that, right, they feel like Vanessa
would have been able to help. This is this intervention
of the real Sausage Party. Too many dicks on the
dance floor is gonna eat this? James, we were gonna, James,
(58:30):
we we're gonna, you know, talk to you today about
why you're ramped up, amped up and zamped up. But
instead we just want to embrace you for who you are,
what you are, why you are, and say welcome. Yeah, yeah,
thank you, because at the end of the day, I mean,
(58:51):
you're better than Joey. You're not as good as Vanessa,
but you have a good heart. So with us, and
I guess we're all we're all flawed. I'd like to
hear some positive stuff from you. Otherwise I feel like
a good finished intervention. I see you, and there you
are and uh, you're we're all here in the same room. Uh,
(59:14):
this is going out as a live reality show, by
the way, and commercial break. Okay, great, guys, we'll be
back again. All right, really good, really good. Can I
talk to Craig for a second. Yeah, great job. Joey.
What are you doing? Man? What am I doing? I'm
t I thought I thought we'd cured you of these
multiple characters. Okay, look, we're go. Look, I just need
(59:36):
to get a little more emotion. Okay, a little more emotion.
And here, don't you this is as emotional as I get. Bullshit, bullshit, okay,
bull true. Okay, I'm talking to a guy named piece
of stump the bog here. Okay, once you top that
top off, put on this little tank top. Just put
on the tank top. This is tight. Just put it on.
Put it on some weight. I didn't lose that much
(59:57):
weight the okay, great man, Okay, put on these sunglasses.
Is this just for you? This is just for me?
And put on these sunglasses here. These are really tight
as well. Alright, great, okay, Now when you get back
in there, okay again, why don't you get this new
surfer persona Okay, I think it's gonna had a lot
of flavor, do you Okay? All right, that's our show
(01:00:21):
for Ton. You got him into the tight sunglasses. Don't
know how you did it. Let's thank all of our outcomes, please,
Craig Kkowski, thank you so much, buddy, my pleasure. It's
always a blast. Hey, keep following me at Kikowski on
the Twitter, see Kikowski on Instagram, and anything gonna resolve
(01:00:42):
with Craig's list during the pandemic. We're hoping to record
that final episode at some point and put it out there.
But you know, could you be more in general beyond
at some point? What's that? Could you be more general
beyond the date of some point? Yeah, I think, uh,
you know, it'll be in during the pandemic. It will happen,
And yeah, I'm hearing great things and it's uh it's
(01:01:07):
beautiful and testing to the roof. Yeah, We're we're gonna
come out with something and I think people are really
looking forward to it. And uh, it's excited. It's excited,
and it's exciting. And Joey Greer, Yes, is Bear Supply
still zooming for We're zooming it up every Wednesday at
(01:01:28):
seven o'clock every wedvery Wednesday. James, myself, Morgan and Sean
check it out. It gets weird. And christ thank you
for that, Joey, Christo Ferado, Oh yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
happy to be here. Love doing this stuff with you guys.
Thanks for everyone who's listening. Um, I I still jump
onto the subready every now and then. And see people
(01:01:49):
have been commenting on on what is we're doing during
this time and that's nice. Also, I've lost like three
followers in the last couple of days. You know, it's like,
come on, guys, can grow me a bone, you know,
to make me throw me a bone. That's at Chriss Alvarado.
You know, at Chriss Alvarado. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna
pump your ship up and get at least two of
those three back at a boy. Thank you appreciate it, James, Well,
(01:02:12):
I gotta be honest, it looked like we were slowing
on reviews, and I thought, maybe it's just because it's
a hard time out there. But then surgeons and we've
got this new review from Pretty Pretty Pony, who's called
in It's a coincidental name that's similar, and it says
my love for this podcast is so great that since
I'm an Android user, I went out of my way
to reinstall iTunes on my computer just so I could
(01:02:34):
leave a review. It goes on and it's long, and
it's wonderful, great five star review. It just it warms
my heart in scary times to see five star reviews
pop up of our podcast. Pretty Pony, Thank you for
that review, and thank you James for sharing that, and
I would like to go on record as saying that, UM,
I am exceptionally grateful to my co alchemists for the
(01:02:55):
opportunity to put these new episodes out, during which we
uh you guys provided me with. I'm just gonna say
the most I've cried while laughing moment, which was the
can you buzz me in? I lost my ship and
uh and I can't explain to anyone what happened. There's
(01:03:16):
no way I'll recapture that in explanation. So I just
want to say thank you for that, and thank you
to Doug Bam, I'm wonderful engineer, big Be. Thanks to
the fine folks at I Heeart Media, and thank you
all out there. The patrons of course, but you listeners
who are non patron we love you, we appreciate you.
Please write to us, let us know what's going on.
(01:03:40):
Right to your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at dot com. Until next time. Hello, Hello,
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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