America's Gum Control Issues

America's Gum Control Issues

5th Graders V Senior Citizens Bowling Team

Stranded on Desert Island

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alcimy. This I'm your guest,
was pulsing in for KP today. Let's meet the players.
Shall we first up James Heeney. James, do you do
any extreme sports? I know you eskateboard, but anything outside
of that, well not anymore. When I was younger, I
used to do freestyle walking and I had soaps, which

(00:24):
was a certain shoe that well, I thought I had
been invented it. I don't want to take too much time,
but I had one time duck taped like railroad spikes
to my shoes and I would grind on those, and
then I found out that there was actually shoes made
for it that had these like plastic grind plates. And
I used to do stairs and all sorts of tricks.
But then at the old age of like eighteen, my

(00:45):
knees went bad and I couldn't do it anymore. That
like sounded like Latin to me. So many terms. Have
you never heard of? Freestyle walking? It's like walking, except
it's got a little bit more spizzazz to it, and uh,
you jump up. It's like skateboarding, and you have the
skateboard where it slides down the rail, but instead you

(01:06):
just have grind plates on your shoes. You slide down there.
It was awesome, but it is a lot of high
impact stopping stop because it was stupid or no. I
like when you go down the guard rail. At the bottom,
you you plant the ground, but you're going so fast
you instantly stop and it hurts your knees. Just now,

(01:29):
I'm gonna have picture you're doing this for the rest
of my life. That's all I'm gonna see. As you're
walking down the alley towards the theater, freestyle and you
might notice me. I do freestyle walk. Sometimes it's just
a quick foot plant on a wall. But yes, I'm
so glad I ask you that question. Next up, Chris Alvarado, Chris,
brunch under or overrated? Huh, Well, I don't think it's underrated.

(01:56):
I think it's perfectly reading. Um. I don't do at
a brunch myself. The last time I did a brunch,
I think it was with a tool and Robin. Is
that a brunch that we did? That was a brunch
that that was nice? Um? I got no problems with brunch. Cole,
all right, you're not gonna hear a bad word out
of my mouth about brunch. I just don't participate in

(02:16):
brunch a lot. Also, the idea of getting drunk during
the day, if Mimosas is your thing or Bloody Mary's
is you know, foreign concept to me. Now, I don't.
I don't drink. Sorry, you know, if I'm being honest,
I'm still I'm still thinking about the soaps that James
was talking about because I was an aggressive inline skater
and I think the soaps are a little more there's
a little more connection between those two than skateboarding, even

(02:36):
because there's a little bits without shoes, and we too
would put grand plates on our shoes before the soaps happened. Cole,
you know you asked about brunch spilled back over into
the aggressive into the walking, and I'm sorry, that's where
my head is, and I apologize. I love you. I'm happy. No,
it's good because like there's that point in life when
you transition from freestyle walking and grinding to brunch, Like

(02:58):
there's this that's a point, so you gotta figure out
where you are in life. You know, that's right? Uh,
you know, I'll take brunch down a few pigs. I
ain't gonna wait for an hour for eggs. There you go. Uh,
next up? Whoa saying it's all? Uh? Say you're in
like a David Busters or a Chuck E Cheese? What's
your go to arcade game activity? All right, those are

(03:19):
two different places, and I will I'll give you two
different worlds that those are in. Um, I like basketball
hoops and like, let's go David Busters first. I like
throwing tossing the football as well. UM used to play
a lot of pool of David Busters. Not not the
game type of game you you're talking about, but oh
air hockey. Big fan of air hockey, love it any size,

(03:39):
big or small. Switch to Chuck E Cheese, ski ball,
skiball ski ball, ski ball, skiball ski ball. And I
think as I got older, I got worse at it.
But I've really started focusing on that hundred in the
top left and right corner, and I feel like that's
where all the effort I just wanted to immediately get
better at the sport. Uh. As soon as I started

(04:02):
putting money in wasting time with I don't got time.
I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm doing stuff. I got brunches,
I got soaps, busy. That hundred in the corners, the
difference between like four tickets, like four tickets, but they'll
just google soaps by that because I had to know
what the hell is going on? Thank you. Like Irish Springs,

(04:24):
it would be dangerous to slide down a rail on that.
But yeah, I tell you, it's all body washes nowadays,
these kids their body washes class but certainly not least
Craig Kowski, Craig, if you could reboot, remoke, remoke, Wow, reboot,
remake a movie from your childhood, what would it be?
What do you think? I mean, they probably have already

(04:47):
done it, but I'd remoke, do the right thing and
cast myself as mooky. No boy, Uh, I think you'd
want to go with something that like is fondly remembered
but is not actually good. Um, so you can update

(05:07):
it accordingly. So maybe like Explorers. Uh, it's a good
one with Ethan Hawk and uh River Phoenix, I think, yeah,
or the Last Starfighter something around that. Yeah, Cloak and Dagger.
You wouldn't change a thing. I mean, you can't replace

(05:29):
Robert Preston like that was amazing. Um. Yeah, no, those
are all good choices. Explorers, especially at the last like
twenty minutes. People like that doesn't work for most people.
I don't think I've ever seen that. It's the kids
build a spaceship in their backyard and then spoiler go
to space. So there you go. Great, Well, let's do

(05:50):
a damn show, shall we. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon v
I p s. To become a Patreon supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content and other works, just head
on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. You'd
like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please write
to the podcast at alchemy this email at gmail dot com.

(06:11):
This scene one is from listener Joe Lutovski, who wrote, Hello,
Kevin or whoever is reading this. You said on a
recent episode you're running low on scene suggestion emails or something.
This is a recurring theme, so here's a bunch. Use
them as you see fit, or feel free to revisit
this email for future episodes if you get really desperate.

(06:33):
So there was a whole bunch of them listed, I
just chose this one. Here's one America's gum control issue.
That's g u M gum control issue. Yeah, look right,
right under this desk here, and we've got like forces stuck.
So that's disgusting. My god, Oh my god. All right, well,

(06:57):
I guess get the peanut butter on Hell, this is
just a desk. Oh, that's embarrassing. I put a lot
of peanut butter. There's a lot of peanut butter under
a lot of We gotta go clean that off my ship.
I promise my wife i'd be home for dinner. I
don't think I could. We're gonna have to go back.
We're not leaving peanut butter under desk for kids to

(07:19):
come eat tomorrow. Hey, chet, look at the Look at
the janitors, Look at him, Look at him. I got
a big pack of fruit stripe and nowhere to be. Hey,
where'd you get that? Except from your dad's drawer? Yeah, yeah,
he doesn't know. I know about it. Everything's in there,
big red, juicy fruit. I'm feel comfortable. I don't feel

(07:41):
comfortable about with this. Oh, come on, man, you gotta
do it. My mom says that you gotta be dumb
to handle gum. You call me dumb. You call me dumb? No,
I know, no, I'm just saying I we you doing.
What do you? Oh? My god, Frank, did you hear that? Hey?

(08:05):
What are your kids doing here so late? Playing? Playing homework?
Playing homework? Is that gum a little your face? God's cheek?
It's get over here, Get over here. Run? You got
cop by the ear. You're not this is not God.

(08:27):
You're not allowed to do this. What do you mean
you trace the gum back to my house? Yeah? So
you found it on You're saying my kid had something
to do with this if this is your kid, right?
Is your kid? Did you take the gum out of
the drawer? Dad? No? Dad, no, of course, I yes, sir, No,

(08:51):
he didn't because I teach my my kid gum safety.
So you have your gum in a lost combination drawer?
I do, I do. I'm a registered gun owner. Uh
keep my gum in a We don't have the authority
to do this, but do you mind sharing your gum
permit with us? Sure? Here, take your son to I mean,

(09:18):
did you check with all the kids at this school,
because there's a lot of kids that are, you know, young,
dumb and full of gum. I mean, we caught him
with gum on his face. We caught him the gum
on his that isn't many thing. We've got it right.
We've got a right to you, gum in this country. Mom.
Can I have more potatoes? Please? Thank you? Dad? Um,

(09:40):
I'm turning thirteen next tone. This is good mom, thank you.
Huh Okay. I was thinking, I don't think I need
a bike anymore. They're all I wanted that bike. I
don't think I need bikes. But what about the bikes
on the parade that you were excited to do with
the kid any more? Or oh, I mean thirteens a kidney? Dad,

(10:05):
I'm trying to watch the news here, kid. What do
you want? Yeah? Dad? I was thinking, if maybe if
I'm really responsible and I do all my homework and
I get good grades and I do chores, if maybe
maybe I could get as not this conversation. But I'll
be safe year old dad. It's different now, same stuff,

(10:31):
all right, Janine. I thought we'd handled this already. Maybe
we should just be honest with our son. Honey. I
want you to look at this little patch of hair
in my in my head, what look at look at
this when I was a little girl, When I was
a little girl before there was such tight laws. I'm gum,

(10:54):
I got gum putting my hair. It's right there, It's
gonna be there forever. That's what you don't understand is
these choices you make now as a little young man
are gonna last forever and you can end up getting
getting a woman you love. Have govern But Dad, correct
me if I'm wrong. This is a free country, right,

(11:14):
I'm talking all right? Yeah, thank you, thank you. Wait
to get my own a first time at the gum range. Yeah, yeah,
I'm just a little overwhelmed, as I know. There's a lot.
Uh how much the experience do you have with gum?
You need to start started gum. You need to start

(11:35):
a gum. Uh here's uh yeah, what do you recommend? Well,
I'd like to start with a great publa bubba. Uh.
You know it's got good good good you power um.
You know. Not so long lasting though, right, not not
too long lasting. It's a good it's a good starter gum.
Why don't you Why don't you can take this first spin? There?
Is it true? If you swallow it, you'll be digesting

(11:56):
it for seven years? Yeah, that is true. You know,
gum safety is important. Be reread the brochure. Um. The
back of the pack really kind of explains the safety
of it all. Oh, hey, hey, you got a newcomer here,
I see. Yeah, that's going on one of the regulars here.
You know. Um, I don't wanna. I don't wanna, you know,

(12:17):
I should my my own business. But I've been told
you we have a meeting letter on tonight. Maybe you
like this gum thing that works out for you can
come on buy and hang out with some of the
fellows and ladies open all. Yeah, you should come by.
This is Rick by the way. Rick is uh, this
guy he can do it all. This guy, this guy
choose Beamon's. Yeah, I like the old stuff. Yeah. I'm

(12:38):
not an owner myself. I rented from the gum range.
But I heard uh that if you go to a
gum show you can, uh you know, you you can
you know, come back with like two hundred packs, you know.
And there's all kinds of loopholes at those gum shows.
Okay for just being out. You're not a cop, are you? No? No? Okay, well,
actually I wish you'd were, because they got the as gums.

(13:00):
But they've got incredible gum. But I can't help. But Sha,
I was over listening you guys talking about going to
a gum show. Mm hmmm. I went to a gum
show just recently. I got myself a pair of waxed
lips that are gump That ain't true, it is true.
Look at these waxed lips. Does he's wearing those waxed lips?

(13:23):
I could chew him up. It's gump. Wow. I mean,
there's one on Saturday, there's a gum and doll show.
If you guys want to go to that. It really
seems like an irresponsible combo. Hey young man, you're coming
out of that gum store, Fred Johnson, I'm with the
A d A. Stay away from a kid, all right.
It's not illegal to look. Nothing wrong with looking, all right.

(13:47):
Once you put gum in your mouth, it's gonna ruin
your teeth. What about all the reading I can get done?
I heard a good Joe has comments I get your books.
Don't do this, all right? That's what the a d
A s trying to prevent all this gum abuse. What
does A stand for? American Dental Association. We don't funk around,

(14:11):
that's right, all right. Yes, we come out here, we
sit outside the gum store and make sure to to
save in US and minds. What am I supposed to do?
Come work with us? I don't want to be a well.
Look who it is? The American Dental Association, the art

(14:35):
rival of me, the Americans with Disabilities Act. What are
you doing here? So is this convenient store a d
A compliance it is? It's got a ramp. Don't tell him,
don't tell him? User? Uh yeah, gum user from way back.

(14:58):
It's these guys. Try to Bobby. Look, we are the
real A d A. Okay, you don't. You don't approve anything.
We give ratings on everything. We have to have a
six six approval before we even approve anything that we like.
What do you guys do? Get ramps? Put in and

(15:18):
takeing im? Oh? Good night, dad night, little prince. Open
this piece of com Wow. Cool. Hey, I've thrown a rocket.
Your window open up? Hey? What's Up's up? Hey? Me

(15:39):
and the fellows. We're gonna go down to the park.
We got some gum. Hey check this out. Okay, I'll
meet you down there. I don't have a bike because
I asked my dad. I said, I don't want to
for my birthday anymore. So can I ride in your
on your hand bar handlebars? Yeah? Totally okay, I'll be
right down. Hey fellas, Oh, I guess I'm not that

(16:04):
cool yet. You guys like the cool kids. You got
to prove yourself first, man, I understand. So we're gonna
go to the park, right and like just like hang out.
And I was like, if you got to get away
from he's gonna give you. He's gonna he's gonna pump you.
Just that you got pegs. I thought I can stand
on those back pegs. We're not going to the park.
That's just what we told our parents. What do you mean,

(16:26):
We're going down to that house at the end of
the cult it sect that belongs to Bazooka Joe. No,
what leave it. He's old now making prove he's gonna
chew gum first, put some gum in your mouth. Also,
he's got fifty chances to make us laugh. We give
him fifty chances every time, and every time he does

(16:46):
not do it. No, he lives there with his caregiver
mort He's got that turtle neck that always covers his mouth.
I know all about him. I see those two freaks
all the time. All right, fine, I'll prove it to
you here. You got one stick no, no, not that sick.
This entire six ft of bubble tape. Oh, put it

(17:08):
in your mouth. That's easy. You can take six six
ft in your mouth. M m hm oh god, guys.
So I'm gonna give him my handlet, dude, I don't

(17:29):
want to do that. I don't want to do that.
Gus don't kill gums, don't kill people. We up. I
don't know what he's doing here we go. I don't know.

(17:51):
I think it's I think it's charades. What is this?
Oh my god, it's in my hair? Oh my god?
What is this in my hair? We have to first

(18:12):
see Seemed Too is from alchemy v I p. Jeanette Graham,
who wrote and my Kids. Elementary school, the fifth graders
would go to the bowling alley up the street for
their Christmas party. I always wondered what it would have
been like if one of the retired seniors teams challenged
them to a game. What do you think? Thanks for

(18:34):
staying positive? Size twelves please, size twelve. There you go,
Mr Jones, You've been working here a long time. Huh.
My parents they made me work when I was a teenager,
and I used to hate him for it. But you
know what. It's a family business and I ended up
loving it. It's the only place I've ever worked. Do

(18:56):
you ever get get get out from behind there and
like bowl and stuff? Or do you hate it because
you're here all the time? No? I love bowling, but
I've got a strict policy and no bowling during the day.
I only bowl when everything's closed. I have a bit
of a bowling problem, honestly, bowling problem. How do you
have a bowling problem? It's so much fun? Like I

(19:18):
could bowl? I could you? I could? You know what?
Let me get you an application. You you're at the
local life. Where are you? Do you go to school
or you out of school? What? I have a hard
time judging eight moment in high school right now? I'm
a junior. Yeah, that's perfect. Here, here's an application work here.
I just it's a good job for somebody who loves bowling.

(19:41):
You get free bolling and the shoes are like it
turns until everything's closed on a bowl all day. Size
four please graders, size four, you go here, you go
give me you still talking to me? I gave you
your shoes. Mr Jones. It's a customer, the customer. It's

(20:01):
this is a fifth grader to the pain in my existence.
They crossed the line. Keep sometime. Can you put the
bump us up? Jesus, this is what I don't like doing.
I'm doing it. I'm talking to some we can the
lights on the music. It's not it's not psychic pool

(20:22):
right now, it's it's not cyber bowl. It's not a
high schooler. What's the word I'm looking for. You're gonna
get a strike? No no, no, no no, no, no, no,
seven tenths. But I'm not paying for this psychic all right.
I just want to be clear. I just want to bowl,
all right. Look at psychic ball time. If you're on

(20:45):
the lanes, you gotta deal with this upset. You're can
be really upset about it. By frame three, frame three
punches will be thrown. See it. I just see it.
It's what I see. All right, don't worry. We have
telekinetic bowl. I'm gonna make the strike. Give me what pants?

(21:08):
He's gonna shoot his pants? Do you want to play up?
You see it coming? Can't stop it. I gave his
bowls a little squeeze with telekinesis. Well, it's good to
get some some young energy around this bowling alley. I mean,
I feel like that's how they've been doing for years

(21:30):
around here. Now they play that Selina Gomez music and
we're trying to trade on throwing at where the arrows are. Yeah,
but you and I, Hank, we're gonna die out at
some point. Do we want our sport to die out too?

(21:51):
That's a good that's a good point, Larry, it's a
very good point. The game is bigger. We don't understand
what they're listening to. Were the loans they're wearing. We've
got to welcome in the this young blood. That's true.
Excuse me, guys, I'm sorry, Uh, I think you guys
are gonna have to share elane with the fifth graders.

(22:11):
They've come in and I don't have anywhere to put him.
And honestly, excuse me, they reserved it, sam Um. I
was oved it, but my friends left with the high
school kid. No, I'm sorry, you can't play with the
high school kids. You've reserved this lane with what we
call the old timers group. But oh, I was thinking
maybe a competition that would be the kids first as

(22:32):
the seniors. But okay, fifth fifth grade, you say, pretty little?
How do you that's a rude question. Mm hmm. I'm
made six years young young and I made it five
years young. Why do you keep saying young? Because we

(22:55):
bowl every day? What if I what if your teamed
up with a fifth this, fifth grader, that high schooler
versus the two best old timers at the bowling alley
now again somewhere now, now, now, it won't be worth
doing unless we put stakes on it, some money or

(23:17):
something to make it worth our time. Isn't that right? Hey,
Larry Well, I suppose I'm just is every lane really
full right now? I'm looking at that, I'm seeing a
lot of empty lanes? Yeah, but I'm trying to make
sure that we don't use all the lens of lanes

(23:39):
if we don't have to. Like, clearly, there's only two
of you. The fifth graders aren't going to take that much.
I think it's good for the competition, makes sense and
makes sense. I guess now is we need to answer
is it more compelling to play against the fifth grader
or with the fifth grader? But bowling typically you play

(24:02):
for yourself unless you're playing on a team. Uh huh.
So you know that I've been working here. I'm picking
out loud. I'm not talking down to you. Takes a
little while for us to figure things out. You know,
we got five years young, and it takes me a
bit to process that. Do you still hear a kid? Yeah,

(24:23):
young man, I got a call from your principal's office
saying you weren't at school today. All right, this is
your first year of school. You can't miss days. I
was on a field trip. Where did you go? Pickwick
Bowling and boom mink wit a second, that's right next
to the punch punch fest. M hmm. Yeah. That wasn't

(24:46):
an official school trip, wasn't no, No, I just needed
more physical activity. But I met two old men and
they taught me a lot. So it's kind of like
going to school. Whoa what, don't worry, they're eighty six
eighty five years young. Respect of the why do we
say respectively after stuff like that? Well, if you didn't
need to, But if you had said their names, then
you could have said respectively, and then they would tie

(25:08):
into who's eighties six and who's eighty five? But why
then it shows it which order of things? Listen, son,
the great questions. This is why you should be going
to school. And not going to uh the Pickwick Bowling Alley.
I'm very concerned. I met a psychic. Psychic. The psychic said,
I'm going to grow up to be the greatest bowler

(25:28):
of all time. Smells like ship in here, Jesus, I
shoot myself. The psychic knew that, and I went away quiet.
But I came back and bowled a hell of a game. Sorry,
a heck of a game. Did we come out from
behind the bushes? Goodness? Oh? These are my friends? We
were hiding respectively. That's Hank, that's Larry, respectively. I got it,

(25:56):
So Larry, why don't we say respectively? Well, hey, I
think your mother was right about that one. If a
corresponds to somebody's name, you know, should I be concerned
that two grown men or are befriending my child. I've
I've been in the game of bowling for a long time,
and I've never seen talent like there is in your kid,

(26:19):
whose name is Julian. Julian. I've never seen talent like Julian's.
This is because he's a child who has large hands.
He's got abnormally large hands for someone his age. We've
seen it all throughout years, but I've never seen a
player that young attack the pocket as aggressively as his

(26:42):
ship attacks his underpants. He's relentless trying to get those
strikes and those spares, and his first role was perfect,
absolutely perfect. He had no open frames. Do you understand
what that means? He had no open I don't know
bow spare or a strike in every frame. I'm a

(27:07):
story short. We'd like him to live with us. Wait, wait,
please see, Mom, I went to the bowling and thinking
it was gonna be a competition, but instead end up
being a real life learning experience. You want to adopt
my son into a world of bowling and heathenism. Well,
we'll start with the bowling and we'll see where it

(27:28):
goes from there. Mom, Lewy and and Hank only have
like two or three years lest on this? What did
you call it? God on, God's greener, God's greenness, psychic? Nos.
But we won't let him tell us no, no, no,
We gotta live it out. So I was thinking, I

(27:49):
find this many years old, and then I live with
him for this many years, then I would still be
a kid and come come home. Some How that logic works.
From here, I'll sign the paperwork, right now I'll write
it up. You get Tracy McGowan the third, give my
son to Larry and Hank. I believe was it was
Glama Tracy McGall in the second. Yeah, and her mom

(28:14):
was Tracy mcgawan the first, exactly and respect like wait,
Tracy McGowan the first. I used to go with the
Tracy McGowan back in high school for a little bit.
It couldn't be, couldn't wait she was she never knew

(28:36):
her the father of her child. Oh, she never never knew.
I never knew. Go talk to the sidekick. Maybe you
go talk to the sidekick. Well, here's the form. I
filled it out. I've written it and handwritten. Thank you.
He's all yours, just returning back to me when you
passed my good luck. Good lucks on LL love you, honey.

(29:03):
I'm home. Oh gosh, god, my feet are tired. A
little bit of an update for you. Okay, Um, we're
out of eggs, so next time tomorrow, come on, you're
supposed to be on top of this stuff. I love eggs.
You know what. It is not my job, all right

(29:24):
to make sure this well, I didn't eat the last egg.
That's not You made it seem like it's I'm a
professor of economics at Hartford University. Alright, alright, alright, not
a big deal. It is a big deal, all right.
I didn't want to get an argument this. I signed
over a kid for two some older people for a

(29:45):
few years, and I'll get the eggs tomorrow. All right, tomorrow.
Wait a second, you signed over our child. He's not
going to get the eggs. I see it. I see
it clearly. He's going to go get those eggs tomorrow.
What I have to do everything in this household. He's

(30:07):
just he's just not that's all you wanted to ask me. Yeah,
that's really it. Um. I had a question about my son.
But thank you, I like to say a few words.
Two years ago and three months too, a little while ago,
I moved in with Hank and Larry, and they taught

(30:29):
me everything they knew about bowling and what it means
to be a man. When I found them both in
the bathtub rounded together, I got scared, But then I
knew they were teaching me a lesson. So I continue
to live there. I'm look at that speech impediment, that's

(30:52):
so loud, and so kid put down the gum put
down you're all so woud you even think about that,
how your words hurt people, how your actions have consequences.
I'm gonna chew this gum right here in front of everybody,

(31:13):
just the way Hank and Larry would have liked it.
And I'll tell you another thing. I didn't tell the
police this, but I found him both wounded in the
bathtub and they were both chewing gum, respectively. And that's
our second. C three is from listener Mike Mellow, who wrote,

(31:35):
you know how people ask, what's the one album you'd
want if you were stranded on a desert island? C suggestion,
Stranded on a desert island with nothing but your favorite album?
Mike from Toronto, I just I got I found more coconuts.
We're gonna have to eat more coconuts again. Huh yeah, yeah, Okay,

(32:05):
here's go going at this one? Is this one tastes
tastes different from the last one. I don't know what
to tell you. It's gonna keep us alive. Hey, thanks
for doing this. I'm still working on the shelter. If

(32:26):
Jason would ever get back with some fucking twigs and sticks,
I know, and Jason is going He's handling this plane
crash in his own way. You know, I'm happy. I'm
happy I can help out, and you're doing a great job.
And Jason gets back, you know, maybe he'll bring some
good news. Guys, guys, Oh my god, guys. I found something.

(32:51):
I found. I found a working hand being phone, working
hand cracked vinyl vinyl player, and a copy and a
copy of a lot of Sporrissets Jagged a Little Pill
on vinyl. What I found a hand cranked a record

(33:12):
player and a copy of a lot of Sporrisse's Jagged
Little Pill, the greatest album, if not all time on
this island? Where where is it? Wait? Wait? What do
you how about? Is you finding food, resources, anybody else alive?
Maybe you don't understand. Man, We're on a desert island

(33:33):
and my desert island disc is here. Wait wait wait wait,
wait a you're telling me one of those hypothetical situations
that we've all been through. We say, what this is?
This is the this is the album? Yeah for you?
Isn't it for you? What would it be for you?
I actually can never answer that question. Really here all

(33:56):
I really want, yeah, you ought to know ironic, it's
nothing but bangers. That question was never presented to me.
Always to me, it was presented book. And that's why
I have this, this book Catcher in the rye Es. Wait,
hold on, you answer, Catching the ride? And so you

(34:19):
travel with that book every time you in cases of
plane crash. Yeah, it kind of became a thing for me,
and I thought it was Oh my god, Oh were
you on the flight? Yeah? I was on the flight.
I survived. There's something special about this island, are you okay?
You can just decide the one thing you want the most.
You have it. I have as many tater Tots as

(34:42):
you could possibly ask. I just found it unlimited supplied
tator huh. Okay, great, al alright, alright, let's figure out
the laws of here. So you want to tater totes,
You got tater tots. You want to unlimited you wait
a second, unlimited. God. I tried to go through them,
but they just keep popping on. Okay, stop eating him? Yeah? Yeah.

(35:03):
And then you wanted the album. You got the album,
but you didn't want the book. You brought the Every
time I fly, I bring the book. So you didn't
get anything, and I didn't get anything. Oh my god.
People are the people. I've been here for thirty seven years.
Hit him, hit him? No, no no, no, no, no, hold on,

(35:27):
let's remember, okay, okay, be careful. What did you wish for?
What did you wish for? Omen I was a kid
back then. I really aged aggressively in thirty seven years. Yeah,
you look terrible. But all I wanted the sun. It's
all The sun is a Teddy rexpin. And now I
have an unlimited supply of Teddy rexpins. Oh God, like

(35:51):
he's got an army of Teddy's behind him. Oh ship
coming do my bidding? Rex spins sees and take no.
I don't think he knows how blanking and they're playing
a audio cassette. Okay, okay, okay, okay, that's alright. I

(36:12):
don't alright, don't do that right now. Look, look, you
and I have our wish left, okay, So let's figure
out what would be best for the island and best
for all of us. We have tater Tots. That's got good,
little I'm sorry, just to make sure, did you say
it out loud? Did you say I'm not gonna say
it out left? Because then, yeah, how did you how
did you get the tater Tots? Me? I said. When

(36:35):
we crashed, I said, oh, ship, I wish I had
alimited supply of tater tots so I could survive on
this island. And then oh yeah, and you know what,
it happened almost instantly. I had to walk around a
little bit later. But it wasn't coincidence, and it wasn't
we set you around the island to look for the scavenge.

(36:57):
At some point, did you say out loud you wish
for Let me try to try to process it. Let
me try to remember like happening, Remember like waking up,
like I smelled the smell of burning human flesh. I
looked over my wife and child were dead next to me. Uh.
And then I was like, oh man, we're on a

(37:19):
desert island. And then I was like desert desert island disks,
and I'm like it would I gotta go a lot
of wait a minute, white album, no alanis And then
it appeared, Okay, yeah, you should have wished for something
that wasn't a hand crank. That's how it works. That's
how it works. When I my ship one time many

(37:41):
years ago and I washed ashore, I was able to
subsist for a week or two on coconuts and things
I found. But I was awfully lonely, and I said aloud,
I wish I had a robotic teddy bear to read
me stories and keep me company. And oh no, I
should be figured it out. I've already got my wish

(38:03):
when I woke, when I came to and Jason's wife's
body was scattered all over me, and I pushed his
dead child off of me. I remember thinking of myself,
I got no one. I wish I had a best friend,
and I'm realizing it's one of you. I want to

(38:25):
use my best friend. It's probably it's probably you, right,
I love I love, I love books much about it.
I like a longest Maybe it's maybe I wish maybe
you're my best friend. It's oh maybe I'll who doesn't
love to me? Teter Tuck guy. Maybe you and I

(38:48):
are best friends. I don't think so. I have a
best friend back in the United States. Yeah, and like
that's what this the other half of this heart, that's
his best friends. Well, it's my best friends because that's
is be fry. Yeah, huh, could it be you? It's
this creepy guy. Creepy guy, are you my best friend?

(39:09):
Could it be me. I don't see how it could
possibly be me. I mean, we have absolutely nothing in common.
I mean, I mean, my favorite color is purple, purple,
but your shirts both changed to purple. Oh my god?
Wait can we get more than one wish? I haven't tried.
I don't want to try. Maybe we'll have t don't

(39:31):
want to disappear. Maybe this is an addition to the wish.
Maybe you could ask for like ketchup or something. You know,
Are you asking for ketchup? No, you're asking for ketchup? No, no, no,
I'm saying. If we're best friends and our shirts change,
maybe this is it's like a mind melt. Oh, I
see what you're saying. If if two of us think
of the same thing, it's like we have to be

(39:53):
together as a team. Oh makes sense. Mm hmm. But
I'm sorry, I'm out, guys. I have a good thing
going right now. And do you not want to lose
these tater toutes? Well, what if me, my best friend,
fucking killed you? Oh, and then we threw more on
top of the other bodies over there. I mean, Jason's

(40:16):
child is dead. But I mean that's not gonna happen
unless we think about it at the exact same time.
That's the only way when possibly which stopped is if
we thought about it. Oh my god, I was thinking
of choking. Wow, he choked to death on those data tuts.

(40:39):
Because you live, you learn, you live if you learn.
So the lyric from her songs, Yeah you don't know
the one I like. I'm dent, but I'm done on done,
done done on hand in my pocket. Yeah that's three.
Let me pull it up right now. You're gonna get tired.
It's a hand crank. Wait a second, I know that voice.

(41:05):
Kenny Ruxman came with a cassette of supposed in Former
Vatuation junk Here or whatever. It is your second album.
That's what Ruxman has been playing all these years. What's
alone it is more is that second album, supposed Former
Infatuation Junkie. It's a terrible title. It's a terrible title.
It's smudge from the Raid. So there's a connection there,

(41:30):
there's there's there's more connections. But your or Shurter Burder
Burder here maybe or maybe here? Oh right, you ruin

(41:53):
the record. You know what's interesting. None of us wish
to be back home. None of us wish for that
flight to none have crashed. What do I have to
go back for any for anyway? That's how I feel.
So let's take some time and let's let's wish for

(42:13):
something actually, like substantial and meaningful and that would actually
improve our lives in our situation. I'm ready if I
go back, I'd like to be more determined. I just
wish she had a better second album than supposed former
infatuation Junkie to be determined, gather around Broadway stars and

(42:41):
Broadway producers. Uh, this script just came across my table.
It's called Jagged Little Pill. We don't know how it's happening,
but we're now gonna be doing this on Broadway. UM.
I will say it's not one of your typical jukebox musicals. Um,
the music is going to inspire the story. Again, writer
on own. But if this isn't a wish come true,

(43:02):
I don't know what is. The script just appeared out
of nowhere, and I Sutton Foster and excited to start
at it. Thank you something. We're except we're happy to
have you something. We're happy to have you Okay, so
we're all just wishing. We're just wishing. Jason, are you
done wishing? Jason, it seems like you're done wishing. Yeah. Yeah,

(43:27):
I just wanted her to have a better second album.
Oh okay, I also wish that everybody on Broadway we're
friends with each other. They all got together in a
big room like everyone everyone writers, directors, actors, singers, orchestra.

(43:47):
They'd all gather in the they don't like live together
at a clubhouse. Whenever they want to get together, they
could just say, okay, Broadway people. That makes me wonder.
All right, Broadway people, rex in the musical as I be.

(44:08):
It's me James Corden, I'd like to be in this one.
Uh and if no one has any qualms, I'll produce
it as well. You're in it, James. Well maybe that's
our connection Broadway. Maybe our family had to die in
this plane crashed speaking about you, Jason. Maybe Tater top

(44:29):
guy had to die because maybe he was in a
song in dance Man or something. Uh, you with the book.
Do you like Broadway too? But I don't have any
ideas for it. Okay, Broadway people, traffic the musical has
come across our desk. Now there's no writer. It seems

(44:51):
to be anonymous, but we do know the first song
goes stopping at a red light, at a red light,
stopping at a red Please stop calling these meetings, all right,
you call these meetings way too often. Well, we all
live together in this big, huge but we're all trying
to do some work, Stephen, And I'm sorry, Patty Lapone

(45:13):
does not do dishes. That's sorry, Patty, Sorry, Patty. Guys.
I wonder if our wishes are having any consequence anywhere else,
or maybe we're just delirious because we're hungry. Let me
get use some more coconuts. What do you say, have
tater tots? Oh? I don't think they're unlimited anymore. I

(45:35):
think once the wisher dies. Although I'm making that up,
I don't know. What do I know? There's like there's
like eight tater touts in the bowl for the four
of us to share, and the tony goes to eight
tater tots in the bowl for us all to share. Jason,
you've done it. You've done it. Oh my goodness, congratulations,

(45:59):
uh thanks thanks. When I crashed on that desert island
with the my uh my wife was pierced through a
portion of the wing, I did not imagine that I
would meet my best friends. I'm gonna say it now
and uh right, an award winning musical and uh and

(46:21):
get a Tony and also meet Stephen Sondheim, who we've
willed back to life. And that's our show. Everybody. I
love the logic. Let's check in with everybody before we
had on our Mary Way. It's Chris Alvarado. Yeah, thank
you for having me. I want to a tool. You

(46:42):
did mention that while we were recording earlier at some point, yeah,
I think so, Yeah, I think okay, because then I
started I started getting scared that I'm because that's your
idea right here, we're seeing it now recorded a tool.
Sing is working on that musical. Everybody's still that. You
see what I'm saying here. You're fine with it? Oh
you're not worried? Okay, good um. You know you know

(47:03):
what else is kind of like a musical is our
our in person alchemy. This lives. I mean, there can
be singing. So I want to encourage our listeners to
come come check out a show. We're at the Westside
Comedy Theater in Santa Monica, first Sunday of the month. James,
I think you were saying May Feet is our next show. Yeah,
May Feet at eight pm. It's always a blast to

(47:26):
see the listeners there, so please join us west Side
Common Theater. May First, Nice James Aney, Well, I'm going
to double down on that May First. Go ahead check
it out eight pm. Get your tickets now because we
want to know that you're gonna be there. Uh, and
it's easy for us to plan for you if you
get you get your ticket. Nic saying, hey, thanks for

(47:48):
having me. It's always so much fun. And uh follow
me on Socials and May Feet. I will be uh
watching Alchemy this live at the west Side Commedy Theaters.
Come out, hang out with us. Greg Getkowski always great
to to do a bowling scene. I took bowling as
a pe in college and improved my my average by

(48:11):
twenty pins over the course of two months. What is
your It is possible. What is your average now? Like
if you go out you oh, um, I think if
you know, it's been a while. But if I just
went out bowling, I'd probably bowled between a one thirty
and one forty. What about you call my bowling average,

(48:33):
it's about one thirty one. It really is about one
thirty one. Forty. Somewhere in there is Chris as much
higher than that. I'm pretty sure because he oh no,
it's not, it's not. But I do feel an alchemy
this bowling hang coming on, James. You can get titter
talks to the bowling only. I'm sure, yeah, I honestly,
I usually just sneak him in myself. Of course they're

(48:54):
limited for four dollars more. You should do that. I will.
I'm at Cold Stratton at Stratton cole On Socials may
first come check out Alchemy this live at the Western
County Theater. I might be and I might not be.
I don't know. I might be there hanging out. Who knows.
We don't know who the crew is gonna be yet.
Also check out Pretty Pretty Pony at that same theater.

(49:15):
Our show is usually the first Thursday of the month
ten in April. It's April fourteen instead because they're shooting
something tomorrow, and said, uh so, come check that out
with our monologist t v D. He's really great. You've
seen him in a lot of things. Might be Win Fetterman.
I don't know. That's who's out here right now. We'll see.
Uh so, come check that out. Let's give a big
up and applause to our engineer, producer Doug Bame, everybody

(49:40):
and the fine folks at I heart media dot com.
Please write to us at Alchemy this email at gmail
dot com. That's Alchemy, this email until next time, this too,

(50:01):
Before all