July 25, 2019 • 54 mins
A Writer Blocked, A Lame Muse and A Publisher Sans Patience; Madame Wednesday Knows Your Card; Psychiatrist as Institutionalized Patient.A writer attempts to replace his muse, while his muse attempts to move on… These Tarot Card readings are unlike all others… Newly arrived psychiatrist is treated like another asylum patient.
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Bogomy this. I'm your host.
Kevin Pollock ys that, Kevin poll No, thank you. You're
very kind, but I really shouldn't. Oh well, sure if
you and says I'll have just one dozen donets, then
thank you, But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists for today,
shall we, in no particular order? Say, load of Craig Atkowski, Coco,
(00:22):
when the wind chimes at night? What are they calling
you to do? To turn into the ground from winds? Came?
Get back to the earth and I willow it's not over.
Go back down the table waiting for the wind to chime, Sit,
(00:45):
put your shirts. All U scenario is sort of made up,
But yeah, I know. I'm just rolling with you, even
magic because it's James anytime, Jimmy, June and Jude control
the banks and Tied didn't say that. I didn't say that,
But you're not just missing up. Well, I mean, it's funny,
(01:08):
but that's your favorite and fondest memory of sleeping outdoors.
I brought my that time girlfriend out to Joshua Tree
on Valentine's Day to camp out, and it was both
fucking freezing. It was like thirty degrees and I had
no ideas like it's the desert, it's going to be hot. Now.
Is that the EXCUSEA gave when it was I didn't
(01:28):
have a tent and have anything. It's it's exactly, but
I remember very well it was it's an unforgettable camping trip,
sleeping outdoors. It is about a hello to Mark Gagliardi.
Hello MG. As a first time bank robber, what would
you ride on the note you hand the teller? The
(01:50):
first thing I would say is, first of all, high,
because I want to be polite. And then I would
just give a concise list of demands and I wouldn't
be threatening. And as I walked up to the teller
and saw what that person looked like, I would make
sure I wrote a little compliment. So this is how
you do things professionally. Yeah, exactly. There's no reason to
do your job in a mean way. What your job is? Yeah,
(02:13):
I mean Joey with the snark and last but Dang Dong,
which is dead in your pants if you think him, Lacey,
it's Joey Greer Joey if you will, favorite Childhood cereal
and why Lucky Charms. It was just Irish heritage, so
you believe there was Irish in the box. All right,
(02:37):
let's get to our first scene, shall we? All today's
scene suggestions to gather from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please write to the podcast that
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That is
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Please when
you can, however, you listen to your podcast, go on
there and write a review. Tell folks what you think
about the show. We'd love to hear from you, so
(03:00):
please do right to us as well. Our first email,
in fact, comes from Jenny, who wrote Gang Hello, Kevin, Hello, Kevin,
Gang Hello, new favorite podcast, brilliant. I would love you
to imagine the following an erotic fan fiction author a
serious case of writer's block, and then in internally frustrated muse,
(03:26):
excuse me sorry, eternally frustrated mus I'm okay, I've broken
into a sweat publisher running low on patients. Again, that's
the author, the writer's block, the frustrated muse, and a
publisher running low on patients. Have fun. Jenny, Look, I
(03:48):
don't care what you tell me. All right, Look, I
gotta get this book out in a month. All right,
do you understand what I'm saying? Who do you get that?
You're just getting through you? Mr? Mr? I was like,
I have to say, I'm trying, and Flowers, Mr Flowers,
I'm trying everything I can do to get this book
out as quickly as possible. But but I have no
I have no I have no dry have no sex appeal,
(04:10):
and no magic. Right here, I'm sitting right here, look
at you understand with this as my muse, if you
could only, if the publishing house could only see fit
to bring me a new muse, maybe maybe I'm sorry.
I am sorry, Janelle, Janelle, I'm sorry, but your muse
powers are over. I just believe I'm hearing this. I need,
(04:33):
Mr Flowers, I need a new muse. But that's fine, Okay,
she's mused up. All right, I'll give you something that
we're running out of paper I use May I use
that line in my book stuff? Yeah? Of course, no, no,
no problem, no problem. Happy to help you know I
used to be righting myself. Yes, I'm so sorry interrupt.
Do you need more time at the menu? Yes we do,
Yes we do, all right, and actually, let's just get
(04:55):
a bottle of anything else. I I'm looking for the
new news and the news well then might get off
its sex. Oh well, look, what's your name? You're coming
up your name tech? Jeez, I'm sorry, Claude, Claude. Very
nice to meet your Claude to my pleasure, lovely. How's
(05:15):
your I tea? It's wonderful, Thank you? Could I get
some catchup? Of course, so we're gonna be on the
same check and she's going to be. But maybe maybe
Claude and I can work together. I'm sorry this did
you need something? You just with with this table? Right? Journal?
Is my film mus former news? Oh that's tough? What right?
All right? Well let me know if you need anything else.
(05:35):
I'll be back in a few minutes. Alright, who's doing
it from me? Maybe? What do you want? I need
a little more tempt to finish the book and now
that Claude might be my new news, I do not know.
Maybe we will see where things will go good. Maybe
maybe I can do things with the Claude and that
that can inspire you to What do you mean you
got fired? I was doing the best and I couldn't.
(05:58):
I guess it's Jesus. Chris Ice babe, what am I
after going to get back into the workforce? I hope.
So it wasn't my choice. What did you do? I
didn't do anything. I did not being a good muse.
What did you get? The milk was milk my brothers
(06:21):
living with us. Now, okay, okay, it's just that right now,
maybe it's not a good time to have an extra
person feed. I don't have as or just in the fridge.
We don't cheap it in the drawers, dish it. If
there's no milk in the fridge, it's because we're out.
Maybe go buy something. Look, I can't tell my brother
he can't live here. Well but okay he can live here,
(06:42):
but maybe he can. But it wasn't my fault. I
think that what it was inspiring the guy. I feel
like I was inspiring. Do you never feel inspired by me?
Like I don't. I don't know what this art stuff? Babe?
You know that's your thing? Yeah, thank you. Sausage or no,
it's a sausage. We should be in the freezer. If
(07:03):
there is any is the sausage in the freezer because
it keeps longer that way. It's just put it into
the But I want it now I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll fix that later. We'll we'll just try to keep
it as cold. Look man, alright, Look, if you're gonna
throw a party of the centery, you gotta guarantee of venue. Okay,
do you have a venue? Do I have a venue? Yeah,
(07:26):
I've got a venue coming in my place, your place
a century alright, because I just I gave you a
lot of money for this party, all right, Yeah, okay,
you know I've already spent some of that, so I'm
gonna need a little more of an advance, a little
more of an advance. Yeah, I mean, do you want
a party of the centry or not? Of course, but
I gave you thirty grand no, okay, Like this is
(07:48):
what's gonna happen. Okay, we have a fucking sausage and
milk spread. Um, we're gonna have dogs fight goats, right,
tell them about the hats. Okay, everybody when they walk
in is gonna get a hat, and that is gonna
have the name of a different, uh celebrity. But you
(08:11):
don't know, you don't know what celebrity you are, so
people are gonna treat you like that celebrity all night
it's gonna be a celebrity that matches that. Okay, So
it's gonna be like you know, it was still fight
Abraham Lincoln. I'm just confused about the milk and sausage
bars forray sake, guivara. Okay, you gotta guess what celebrity
you are based on the party of the sec. Okay,
(08:31):
that's it. That's where the thirty grand. I tell you.
The dogs are gonna fight goats. Don't give a shit
about that. Okay, I don't give a sh but look,
I'm a party planner. Okay, I make big parties go.
This needs to happen, now, do you get that? Okay,
DJ DJ man, I do me a favorite DJ helped me.
Come on, what do you Okay? Like I can offer
(08:53):
another thirty grand and that's it, right, that's very fair.
My first time being a mused, so I really have
to be honest. I don't know how this works. Well
it's it's very easy. All you have to do is
just to chat with me. Okay. Well, first let me
say that I think your home is lovely, thank you
very much. As a sausage and a freezer, oh that's
very kind of you. Um, and so do I do?
(09:17):
I tell stories? Do I? How do I? I'm here
to inspire you. Yes, you're here to inspire me. So really,
what I need you to do is when I have
an idea, just I just need to say, oh is
that's good? Okay? So what ideas are you currently floating?
I do not have any. I don't I'm gonna spit
pass my saf anything sparks this, this is this is
(09:38):
the kind of thing my old muse would never do
for me. Right, okay? A party of this century? That
sounds good? I like that and hats okay, is the
story of a party of the century? And celebrities? Are
you just saying words? Or does he? I'm picturing the
whole thing, does he? I'm band together in cool. It
(10:04):
doesn't make it any better if you say it longer.
It's I get I'm sorry before It's okay. I just
appreciate you being here. Just will you? Just will you
just warring? Not pause different colors? But actual, Really, really,
what I just need you to do is just sort
(10:24):
of beas for me and let me I'm sorry, It's okay,
It's okay, lovely home, thank you. I'm just going to
start gliding okay, I'll just be here when you need me.
Thank you. Okay, mm hmmm are you eating chips? Should
I not? It's okay, I just need it very very
(10:47):
very very quiet. Okay. Sorry, are you just shuffling around
all of the papers on my desk? Now? I would right,
I'm so sorry. That's all right? Is this your pen? Yes? Olives?
These pens on my pens? Do you collect pens? Well?
I purchased him, but you don't write with one. Again.
(11:08):
The main thing right now is that I need is
is just for you to be peaceful and quiet and
into amuse. Yes, we Why Why do all these boxes
keep showing up with your name on it? What is
going on? Okay? Goat food? We don't have goats. We're
(11:29):
gonna have goats, okay, and they're gonna need to be fed. Okay,
But why I'm throwing the party of the century where
at my condo? Yes, I'm not supposed to have dogs.
Don't feel don't feed the dogs. They need to be angry.
They need to be angry. Listen, your brother, I don't
(11:50):
know if this is the right time, but he keeps
leaping dogs away from the chicken. Okay, can we can
we come into the bedroom, we can talk. Whose baby
is that? A baby goat? That's so cute? Kid? Can
we go into the bedroom really quick? Oh yeah, no, no,
in fact, let's just go to the bathroom anywhere. Internally frustrated,
(12:11):
I just don't want to be abound all these animals
right now. I want to have a concert face with you.
What is that? It's a small elephant? Okay, it's a
small elephant. Sounds like he's an Yes, he's the trainer. Like,
I'm not gonna have an elephant here without a trainer. Listen.
(12:33):
I am sick and tired of you. What are you
doing in here? What the fuck? What are you doing?
And taking a ship the door? Lock the door. This
is my bathroom, this is my kind my brother alone. Fu, dude,
I'm sorry, man, I'm glad both of you guys are
here because you know what you guys are out. Okay,
(12:56):
what you've done here? Baby? After your party? Influencers coming
to this party? Okay, Okay, we need to create instagrammable situations. Okay, okay,
Well maybe I can be amused for you. What you
money to pay you to be amused? Just thinking about
just free? Don't could you please stop shooting. He can't
(13:19):
plug it like that. It's just like, maybe we could
work together as a team. Maybe that would change around
our relationship. Danny, when you're done? Is that this is
my friend? What's up? You're making a really hard freak condo.
By the way, thank you. It's a bit of a
man the wild life. Alright, babe? How would you improve
(13:43):
this party beyond what I've already planned, which is amazing.
I'm thinking maybe I could inspire you to get what
DJ gave me money? No, a disc jockey, disc jockey
a music. Usually I just do sex music, but this
is this is fun. It's a new career path. DJ.
(14:06):
Maybe it's me for because you leave, he's clearly taking
a ship. This is no need for You're busted it
on us. Yeah, man, we're trying to put woman premed
right right. I didn't know you were trying to. My
brother's a genius. I didn't know. Okay, I'll leave you guys.
(14:27):
Just think about it. DJ music, Okay, DJ, what is this, Claude?
What is this? I read in the paper? Um, every
one of your ideas when you told me your magical
idea about the party of this century, goats fighting horses
or whatever. Look at this, Open to page six. Show
me that parties that is described right there on page
(14:47):
six one thousand, top influences. Was there, yes, yes, yes?
Were you musing for someone else? I know you were
musing for another writer? How could your ideas I've wound
up in another party unless you unless you amused cheat? Well,
listen when I said this was my first time I met,
(15:09):
the first time with you, and I have had other
people being in need of what the magic it is
I create? You have? Let me try one more suggestion
for you. I do not fine, I'm gonna give you
a single word. All right, peacock, peacock, just close your eyes.
(15:31):
That is very good, peacock. I have my eyes closer.
I mean, young peacock. But why do I know? How
do I know that tomorrow I opened the paper about
the Peacock party. I promise you won't. All right, this
is DJ Peacock over there. I really to make sure
you grab a hat. There's a celebrity name in your hat.
(15:51):
Don't look at it. Remember running the milk? Okay, baby,
what do you with the milk? I was need charge
the milk out? She is I am a party I'm
just supposed to be the inspirationous all right, who wants
to go for an elephant ride ride? There's too many
people here. I'm not supposed to have to make cho
(16:14):
odean man cheeto ode. What then am I supposed to
do about man? I'm just carrying him around the party.
I don't have time for this man, and dump him
out back, dump him out back, out back. Were seventy
stories up like I don't have time for this man, dope,
(16:35):
do not do that? Can I just can? I just
ask when he said I don't have time for that man,
how many things were on his play at that moment?
As the one thousand influencer present he needed to get
that sixty grand back? That was fun? Did anyone pay
to get it? I forget to charge scene too. Some
(17:03):
Erica who wrote first, I'd like to start this email
off by saying, I love Joey and I die laughing
every time he mentions hiding things in his prison pocket.
Thank you. My scene suggestion is simple tarot card reading.
That's all. Love you, Erica. G alright, who is next?
(17:25):
Think you are next? Let me see him? Make sure
your name is on her lists? Are you Carl? Yes? Okay, Carl,
Now there's a few things you should know before you
go in to see Madam Wednesday. First of all, take
off your shoes. Okay. I have very long feet, so
(17:48):
that oh she's used to that. Also, we need you
to take off your pants. Okay. This is a Tarot
card reading. Okay, yeah, yes, okay. Have you not taken
off your pants before? For terra I've never reading. I've
just seen them right, right, Well, this is not a
(18:09):
fictional Terra card reading, right, this is happening. This is
real and as his tradition, shoes and pants okay, okay.
And did you have water today? Yeah? I had about
a gallon and a half. A gallon and a half.
That's a lot of water. I wake up early. Would
you like to use the restroom before because once Madam
(18:31):
Wednesday starts, you need to stay in the pocket. That's fine, okay,
all right, give me a moment when I check with
mat On, Madam Wenday, Madam Wednesday. Yes, we have a
gentleman here by the name of Carl. Hello. Yes, he's primed,
all right, and um I'll send him in with is
(18:53):
he wearing? Is he is he wearing? What I suggested?
That he come in wearing. Yes, wonderful, precisely, come on in, Carl,
Madam Wednesday. HELLI Carl, how are you? Hi'm wonderful. Is
this your first time getting a tarot card reading? Yes
it is. I knew that. That's great, Yes, it's my
first time. Here's what I'd like you to do, Carl. Okay,
(19:14):
I'm going to fan these cards out. I'd like you
to pick one of them. Okay. Can I pick two
or just one for now? Okay? This we'll get more
advanced as we go. Pick one for now. Okay, take
a look at the card, don't show me, Put it
back in the deck and shuffle. Then tell me. Now
you have to pick another one. Did you pick another one?
(19:34):
Don't tell me what it is. I haven't picked one. Okay,
take a look at that card, okay, don't just look
at the back of it. What does it say on
the front? Yea, okay, I need you to pick one
more card. Do you know what you understand? Up? Cards work? Yes?
Of course, there's a back that has a picture that's
the same on all the cards. I'm sorry, it's my
first time doing taro. I'm sorry. That's all right, Um,
(19:56):
pick any card from the deck and look at the
face part of the card, but don't don't tell me
what it says. All right, now put it back in
the deck. Um, I forgot what my card was. I'm
going to need you one more time, Carl to fan.
I'm going to fan out the deck. I'd like you
to pick one card. Alright. I'd like you to slide
(20:18):
that card out of the deck. You've done that, now,
I'd like you to look that's not We're going to
need one more card. One more card. We're going to
do this one more time. Do not do me a
favor card. Do not say any words after you take
your card. It's part of the magic of tarot. Right now,
take your card. Look at your card, and do you
(20:40):
remember Will you remember what that card says? You can
say yes or no when I ask you a yes
or no question. Will you remember what the card says? Yes? Okay?
Put the card back inside the deck. Do you remember
what the card says? Yes? Are you lying to me, Carl, Yes? Okay.
(21:04):
I'm gonna need you to pick one more card, Carl,
one more card. This is the last time. Pick the card,
look at the card, put the card back in the deck.
Right now, shuffle up the deck, don't let me see
and I'm going to dig through. Is this your card? Yes?
Thank you, Madam Wednesday. Next, please wait a second, that way,
(21:28):
hold on, hold on, okay, are you ready to see
I'm ready to see her. I'm gonna need you to
take off your shoes. But this is fucking bullshit here.
I'm sorry, sir, I'm just a little upset about the
last tarot card reading I got from Madame Wednesday. From
Madam Wednesday, Yes, okay, I'm ready. Okay, I can get
you before we go out. Do you have some water?
(21:50):
Thank you? Okay, here you go, thank you? Anything else?
Your energy will probably change once, I'm sure it will,
once she explains herself. Can you give me just a moment. Sure,
I'll make sure she's ready for you. I'm sure she is.
She's a tarot card reader, all right, right for you?
Right here? What's your name again? John? That's right, Madam Wednesday.
(22:13):
John is here. He seems a bit disgruntled. Do you
think I could change his energy? Or should we tell
him that I'm not here? You know, it's a it's
a bit of a coin flip. Well, let's see what happens. Okay,
bring him in all right, John again, Madam Wednesday. Only
(22:34):
able to help you if you want to be help
I want to be helped. Okay, then come right this way,
Madam Wednesday. Hello John, I am fucking furious. I went
and I was at a cocktail party and I talked
about what a wonderful experience I had my fucking tarot cards,
and they told me you just did a god damn card, trek.
(22:56):
I don't know what goddamn card, trek. I want to
know my future. Want to know your future. I want
to know my future, bitch. I don't want to goddamn
car tripped, John, You told me what car I was.
I was impressed. But that's not tarot card, John, John,
cut these cards, okay, all right now the card that
(23:19):
you cut to look at that car? Right? You know what?
This time it'll it's okay that you tell me tear
that card up right now? John? What open up your
button up shirt? And what does your t shirt say?
Oh my god, Space Wednesday. Yeah. So, I mean, I've
(23:42):
gone to a couple of things before, psychics and such,
but it was it was really really good, um, and
many wanted more sausage or milk. There were good on those.
I could use the mar sauce, but I really recommend
uh going onto your comfort zone and get in a
tarot card read. So what what was the sort of
positive thing that happened afterwards? You just enlightened or something
actually came your way? Yeah? Oh so after I got
(24:04):
my card read and like she knew what it was. Uh,
did you talk about your death your riches? That's one
thing I've heard that there's the death card, but it's
not always bad, likesition and you're going one part is
dying and the parts of being born. Yeah, and none
of that happened. There was none of that. Pick the
death card or the Night of Cups card? Did you pick? Uh? Well,
(24:26):
I got a whole honestly, picked a whole bunch of
was um, let's see, I got a Squirtle. Uh which
and then which is the Pokemon card? And then I
got this does not sound at all like the tarot
card reading. I god, what did you get? Probably someone else? I? Well,
I picked your card madam Onnesday. She's a phenomenal, huge
(24:49):
great reviews. She guessed my card like that, I'm sorry,
I guessed your card yeah, I guess my card, like
from tarot card deck. I I'm not an expert, but
she gets the car and it was right. What was
your car? It was spades like on your T shirt there? Yeah, yeah,
my favorite church. Sure, it was just like this little chance.
(25:12):
You knew that was your favorite you've gone there before.
I mean, this isn't this is a I mean she's
consistently the best rated. Yelped. This sounds like a magician.
You're sure you went to a tarot card reading you
sounds like you were there a similar to Wait what Wednesday?
I was just telling my story about it. Yeah, I
heard you talk about Squirtle. That's a Pokemon car. Yeah,
(25:33):
but that was part of that that was in the deck?
Is she giving you a better special than me? Squirtle
is not a tarot card? What else was in the deck?
I think it was. That's what you pulled. Okay, So
I'm not I'm not here to judge you in any
way like that, or like bring an indictment on you
your family, or say how much you know your brother
is a piece of ship. Invited me over for a
dinner party because you're my friend. Yes, yeah, but your
(25:57):
brother is a piece of ship, and you're saying, Madam
Wednesday's here your party, and we too will have a
chance to has been in my bedroom for a minute here? Yeah, yeah,
that's the whole fucking point. Man. Is that why this
incense is burning? Oh my god, put that out, holy ship,
put that out? Holy? Oh my god, that was that
(26:17):
was a newspaper on fire, holy ship, incense. Holy thank
you for calling that out. Oh my god? Can I
go next? Firefighters around here? Actually she's going to dictate
who goes. Well, yeah, that's kind of like her whole thing.
So whenever she's ready to come out. But I'm gonna
get those milk and uh floating sausages. I'm ready for
the next one. You, yes, you the one who is
(26:40):
obviously excited. Oh, super excited, super excited. Please yeah, step
into the spare bedroom. Thank you so much. It is
the main bedroom. This is my first bedroom. Yeah, this
is as good as it gets the bedrooms. It's my
first time, so super excited. I've only seen terra card
readings and movies television, but it's my different and realize
(27:00):
is it it is? Okay? Okay, okay, okay, what do
I do? Here's what i'd like you to do. Yeah,
I would like you. I'm going to fan out these cards.
I would like you too, like a deck of cards.
It's it's decks of assorted cards, right, I'm a poker player.
I recognized this as being you recognize the rain card. Yes,
(27:21):
the rider back bicycle playing cards? Yeah? Yeah, yes, um,
some of them are. Some of them are baseball cards,
some of them are Pokemon Go cards. Okay, okay, great, great.
I do things my own way. The spirit Yeah, I
just think your brother is a piece of ship. There's
nothing to stop saying that. It's just I'm not even
in contact with them. Good good either, good good, and
(27:45):
you know we should honestly, let's just all take our
shoes and pants off now, because she's gonna ask what
pretty much you have to it's not a thing for tarot.
I'm so sorry I forgot to ask you before. Would
you mind taking your shoes and pants off? It's part
of a Tarot card reading. The belt probably is the
first place to start, and then the laces. I man,
(28:08):
how is it part? Oh? It's it's probably best not
to question the spiritual round. I just wanted to learn
as much as I could have bet are you going
into the taro? No? No, I just wanted so so
excited and curious. Now I'd like you to pick one card.
Keep my short tongue, keep your shorts on, that's fine.
Pick one card. Okay, okay, take a look at that card. Now,
(28:30):
climb inside this box. Oh that's good sized, bobs yep,
and lay flat. Wonderful. I wonder if I'm just gonna
close this lid here. Okay. Uh. It sounds like you're
obsessed with my brother. If I was. If I was
obsessed with him, that then I would know exactly where
he is. Bringing him up. Well, then tell him to
call me so I can stop bringing him up. Why
(28:52):
should he call you? Because you know what, man, when
you make it connection with somebody like that over those
many years, you think that they're going to have your
back once in a while, but they fucking don't. Okay,
And you met once at my birthday party and were
sucking jam man. We had a jam man, all right,
And you know what, I honestly I blame your ass
that kind of ship. All right. No, dude, you're just
you're you're always saying you're gonna do stuff and you
never do it. Honestly, you're just disgusting. So you know,
(29:14):
you know what, No more sausages for you. I think
you've had enough. I want floating sausages in my glass
of milk. I think you've had enough, Thank you very much. Okay, okay, fine,
I'm not chipping in for the terror reader. Bullshit, you've
already you're here, aren't you. You sprang as last minute. Yeah,
honestly I should have told you. I didn't think it
would come up. But I'm actually not allowed to be
(29:35):
within fifty feet of Madam Wednesday. What the last time
I was there, I kind of made an ass of myself.
I screamed, I yelled. So she has a restraining order
on you. This is a whole well yeah, I mean
it was just served me at the paper, you know,
door pants and shoes off. Well, because I'm going in
and getting my reading. If you're chipping in, I'm getting
(29:55):
a reading. She actually won't recognize me. Look, dude, if
you cover his half, fine, okay, but it's the only
way I'm allow allowing this to go down. Yeah, good
luck getting your future from wild card draw for What
does that mean? No she doesn't, man, No she doesn't.
So what happens. Just stay in the box and then
you tell me. You stay in the box because I
(30:15):
remember what my card is and what was your card?
I should tell you. You You should tell me so you
don't guess what it was or know what it was.
Who's the madam here? King of hearts? That's correct? Yes,
I mean now I need you to now I'm in
this all. Make sure it's real. Okay, lean your head
(30:39):
out the door. Tell everyone else that the saw is real.
You can vouch for it real. Yeah. Fine, But look, man,
if you're gonna do anything that's like that, it's got
to be legit. I'm getting out of here. You're getting
out of here. You're standing there having a good time,
and you're calling your brother right now. I don't want
it any more of your goddamn sausages. Call your brother
right now. Put him on speaker. Fine, here he is. Hello, Hello,
(31:02):
who is talk talk Pete? Who's that on the phone? What?
I'm just here at a party with some friends. Hey, Jake,
it's Gil. It's Gil jail. Yeah, it's Gil. Carl Gil
Oh Carl Gil? Oh? Yeah, hey man, just say what's up.
It's been a minute. Uh do you mind if I
take this on the porch. Wait sure, Oh, I'm sorry.
(31:25):
I been good. I just I got kids and a wife.
I don't call you got kids and a wife? You
got kids and a wife. Well, I'm sure hearing them
be happy every day is a great thing. Huh yeah,
this is a little weird on the seventeen floor? Is man?
So fuck you? That that saw is definitely real? So
what what happens? Well? I saw you in half? Sorry,
(31:48):
but you stay whole. Oh man, this is so great.
That's so great. Okay, okay, and clothes the lid, yes,
of course, close the lid. You can't see how the
tarot works. Nobody wants to know the tarot if it's
not a good tarot trick of art. God, I'm so sorry.
Interrupted interrupted Madame Madam. Wednesday, there Gill jumped off the balcony.
(32:11):
Who's killed? He's hosting the party, Carlo Gill? Oh, Carl,
I only know his Carl, I know him? Is Gil?
Wait wait, let me get you out of this box. Please,
what are you doing. I'm doing a tarot reading. You're saying,
Carl jumped off the side of the building. Is that
a Kim Griffy rookie card. Yes, it is right next
(32:33):
to this wild card Draw four. All right, I'm gonna
take four more. Oh I seem to have loved How
did you get all the rookie cards, Madam Wednesday. I
know that I'm not supposed to be around you again.
I got my pants and shoes off, and it's an emergency.
All right. My friend just fell off the floor. Didn't
fall off. I hope it was falling. It might I
(32:58):
feel like it. I can't tell. I just drew a
death card. Oh that doesn't necessarily mean death. But he
just does off. We don't know if he died, but
it doesn't necessarily he dies. Let's go down to the
lobby and see if he's just in transition. What kind
of fucking tero is this? Take your pants off before
we go outside. Yes, everyone, take your pants off. We're
(33:18):
going outside. Oh my fucking car man, Oh my fucking
car man. Oh man. Oh see, it's just a transition.
He just landed on his card. His own card ruined
my car. You know what. Oh no, your body is
in half. I have an idea. I have a box
that will put you back together. God, my fucking car man.
(33:41):
Someone grab his other half. I got his legs. Oh
my god, Oh my god, he looks just like this
garbage pail kid that you gave me. That's a rookie, Carmen.
All right, quick, get him in the box. Get him
in the box. Oh my god, you're gonna be okay, Carl. Alright, Carl,
I'm going to close the lid of the box. Okay,
stay with us, Car all right, that's right, that's right. Okay,
(34:07):
And Carl, Carl, what card is this I'm holding in
front of your face? Just about tut Car is just
stay with us, stay with Queen of Steel. Should call
my brother. I think they're having a brokeback mountain thing.
(34:28):
Do we think Carl survives? That's a sign, madam? Wow, madam,
those of you listening, A piece of the wall just
came off. Uh uh alchemists, mouths agape and eyes popping
as I didn't know what was happening behind me. It
(34:50):
was just one of these soundproofing dou you Okay, yeah
it did. I didn't see anything. I just saw these
guys freaking out in front of me. All right, we're
gonna go to scene three now, Scene three are here?
We are Okay. This is from a net who wrote,
(35:13):
dear alchemists, I've been enjoying your podcast for a while.
I'm a resident psychiatrist, and my suggestion is one of
my recurring thoughts. Quote, what if I was admitted to
a psychiatric facility and nobody believed I was a psychiatrist.
I hope this is an okay suggestion. It can be
fun for you. Most sincerely, A net Lamb l E
(35:37):
l I E M lean Lamb. I think lime Annett,
thank you, Anette, thank you a Nette. All right, So
this will be your room, and this is the call button,
of course, and uh, we have three pillows. Is that enough?
Three three pillars is plenty. I mean normally as a
(35:59):
as a physician, I would I would I would be
staying in one of the one of the physician housing.
I don't know why I'm being put in here. You're
not here because you're a physician, right, you're aware of that.
I'm not. I thought it was here to administer to patients. Okay,
so that me come through with pills here you go. Alright, look,
(36:23):
thank you, nurse, all right, have a good one. The
doctor will be able to explain. And I think more
than I'm able to as I'm just an administrate, right,
I'm I'm wearing a lab coat. I'm I see that
with a name tag. Yes, doctor Kendall, and I'll tell
you what. I'll send the doctor in right away so
you can have this conversation. Okay, great, Just make yourself comfortable,
all right? Is someone going to bring my my my
(36:46):
things down, my tools and supplies and briefs, and they'll
bring your tools as a psychiatrist. Is that what you're saying? Yes, okay,
of course, stay here. I Why are you looking at
me like that? It's very ominous? I know, how are
we today? Oh? Doctor? I was just telling the patient
that you'll be coming in, So if there, can I
(37:07):
get you anything? Uh, sparkling water? Okay, that's a doctor here.
We're going to be colleagues. Mid lime? Okay? Ice? No? No?
I could I could I actually get a sparkling water
with lime and ice? Yes? Of course you didn't get
the sparkling water for this other doctor. But see everybody
(37:29):
keeps doing that. I don't putting verbal quotes around the
word doctor when they mentioned me. I'm I'm here's a physician.
I in my apologies? How are we feeling today? Ready
to work? Ready? To work, and and what kind of
work do you do? I'm a psychiatrist. This sounds very condescending.
(37:58):
Do you have the tools of they were? I was
told they were going to be brought down to me. Okay,
what are the tools of psychiatrists? You know, little little
brain saws, the little brain, little brain saw and mostly,
you know, honestly, mostly it's a pen and paper and
an internet connection. Okay, that is important. Do you have
(38:20):
the WiFi by the way, No, No, what's the WiFi?
It's kind of complicated that. I'll have to Uh, okay,
I'll drop it to you. Okay, alright, wait, I don't
have my internet connection to my phone is with my Okay, well,
I guess you're not going to be able to get online. Then.
Oh you say that like you knew that was going
(38:41):
to happen? Did Is that how I said it? Yeah,
here's your sparkling water. Thank you again again, I think,
Mr I'm sorry Kendall. Oh wow, that's weird. Dr Kendall.
Mr Kendall, Yeah, um, I know, I'm so confused. I
(39:03):
believe I was brought here to help facilitate medicine, and
I'm frankly upset that I'm being treated as a patient. Here.
Are you not getting along with your roommate? Oh? Oh
is he he thinks he's a dog. That's right. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
(39:24):
we thought you would get along because I am a
doctor and he thinks he's a doctor. The people of
my patients are already in the Okay, who is this guy?
My name is Crampus, Doctor Crampus. But of course, but
(39:45):
of course, it's always good to meet the colleague. Of course,
it's nice to meet the colleague. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's
nice to meet colleagues. My my two colleagues. This is
Dr Crandell. Oh, doctor are crumbled? Why does everyone do
the air quotes around that? I am, I'm a medical doctor.
(40:08):
You are in today's our first group sessions a medical
doctors here. But you to stay in this room and
uh I come every day to visit. Oh it is
today first day. Yes, today's the first day my new
job as a psychiatrist in this Yeah, of course. Did
(40:30):
oh you go sparkling water? Sparkling water in the could
you get me sparkling water please? Alcohol? I'm sorry, it
doesn't make very well with your pills, so you cannot
have any snaps. I was just given pills when I
walked in. I didn't know what did you eat them?
They were they were literally shot into my mouth. Like
(40:52):
with You have pills and bodies, so you cannot have snaps.
You see the problem? Right, even if you you don't
even know what's in you don't know? I mean, right
you with your chiming. Look, just because your beard is
two different colors and mine is only one, does not
make me any less of a doctor than you. And
just because you're the one I think it's the marching
here whenever he wants with your legal pad, does not
(41:12):
make you more of a doctor than me. Maybe maybe
it sounds like you're not in a good mood to
have group session right now. No, I'm not in a
good mood to have a group session right now. Excuse me.
I'd like to just be you know what. I don't
think I'm gonna stay in this place. I think I'm
just gonna get an apartment down the street and I'll
come and go as I please and visit patients that way.
Because you work here, yes, because I work here. Right, Look,
(41:36):
why why don't we step out the room and this
step I stay in an observe a step out, stay
in each other, and I'm gonna lock this door. Okay,
what do you feel that he is not the doctor
(41:56):
because he doesn't have a brain song? I think, Brian,
So you're really going to hold onto that one, aren't you. Well,
it's the first thing that you said when I asked
what I didn't know? I think I have a whole kit.
That is, actually I have. I have a I have
(42:16):
a vintage lobotomy kit that was given to me when
I graduated from medical school as a you know, as
a reminder of medicine always moving forward, and it's something
important to me. And my father was a psychiatrist. His
father was my father is a psychiatrist. Don't just repeating everything.
Psychiatrist And when I graduated, I got vintage lobotomy kit. Really,
(42:40):
your life is exactly my life. Well, I don't know
about that. I mean, do you have a dog? I
did have a dog. I lost it in a breakup.
Oh really, the dog broke up? No, then I broke
up with a My ex wife got to keep the
dog in our divorce. Of course, of course that makes much. Yes, yes,
(43:02):
how are you feeling right now? I'm not exactly sure
that we should put those two together. I feel like
they might manifest each other's problems. Do you well, Dr
Cramps If I may call you that, of course it's
a preferred I am an administrator, and you do the
wonderful job at the story there. Did you get your paycheck?
I did get my paycheck, Thank you. It comes every week.
(43:22):
It just puts right into the pact. Deposit, direct deposit.
That's what you do with it. Well, that's what you
do with it, and it just ends up in my account.
We direct deposited. That's what as far as I know,
it all works. That's wonderful. We direct the positive. Your paycheck, okay,
be deposited on a weekly basis. Why are you standing
(43:44):
outside of this room? Don't shut that door because you
work here? Okay, of course I work here. Let me
back out of this room. No, it's rest time, but
don't lock door. Don't watch the door. Can I confess
something to you? Sure? I am a second test. I
don't think that Crampas is a doctor. You don't say
(44:05):
I think Crampus was faking it? And what about that Kindle?
Not you, no, not you crindle right? But the guy,
Mr Kindle, you know. I mean, he he seemed like
he knew more about this place than anyone else. But
(44:26):
but you'd have to be insane to know that much
about this place? Am I being gas lit? We gotta
get out of here. If we got the brick out,
you know what, For the first time, I think you
might be onto something. Yeah, I just want to go
back to my normal life as a regular, real, actual psychiatrist.
(44:51):
I can hear you through the ventilation on it. I'm
too stuck in Rome. Wait, Crampus, is that you Crampus?
Hey Crampas, are you a real Are you a real psychiatrist?
Of course some real psychologists. They accidentally luked me in
the room. Wait did you say psychologist or psychiatrist? Did
I need to get out of your very fast? Are
(45:14):
you planning escape? Yeah? That's my tiny brain outside of
the room. Otherwise I used that to get through the
vent You know what, I have a tiny brain saw
in here. You'll have your lobotomy. Kids. Grandfather gave you
exactly my lobotomy, kid that my grandfather gave me. How
did you get that in here? Was it your prison docket?
(45:34):
It was in my prison pocket. I hope it's in
like a baggy or something I knew I forgot something.
Hang on me, you know what. Let's think of another way.
There's got to be another way to get out of
this room other than the tiny brain saw. When Kimball
comes back in here, we jump him, okay and kill him? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look,
(45:59):
I don't know your psychologist. I don't know if that's it. Well,
psychologist is your doctor. I don't think killing is a
good idea. What what is wrong with killing? He'd be
dead afterwards? We Kindles coming back, Kendles coming back. Okay, gentlemen,
it's just about lunch time, and so if you could
wrap up the session, that'd be great. Lunch is in
(46:24):
forty five minutes, but five minutes. That's we're wrapping up
in forty five minutes. I want to give you enough time.
It seems like an early warning. It's a long walk
through the cafeteria. Yeah, it's not around the corner, that's
for sure. I'm sorry, I have a new watch. It's
an hour fifteen, so we have an hour fifteen left
of our lunch. All right? Yeah? Is your sparkling water? Okay? Yeah? Good?
(46:51):
Is there anything else I can get you down? Out
of here? Please? What do you mean I'd like to
be I'd like to be let out if here, I'd
like to get my own apart. Hold him holding down?
Its tiny? Okay, this isn't doing it's just annoying him.
(47:18):
We know, we know you don't work here. I can't
believe you broke through the war. I kept it inside
for as long as I possibly could. Gentlemen, please let
me join your party. How is the club soda? Are
you enjoying it? It came from a can kindle. This
(47:39):
whole time has been doctor Wishman, Dr Weiseman. I've been
conducting my own experiments next door. Mr Crampus still thinks
he's a doctor, but of course he's not. I'm going
to let him. What do you mean I'm not a doctor?
He thinks he's a psychologist. Did you hear that one
(48:01):
that's not a doctor? No, it isn't, Doctor Voiceman. You
you are infamous in the business because you are a
lone wolf. That's exactly right. I created my own form
of therapy. You are both doctors. Thank god I knew it.
We just have a very similar biography. It's very you
know what, I was skeptical about you thought you were
(48:22):
just repeating what I said. Yeah, he's a very famous doctor.
He wrote three books, one of which I read, and
he was very entertaining which one did These are my brains? Yeah,
that's a good that's a good one. And so I
must tell you, I too would like to plan and
escape from this place. Verit a minute. I overheard you're
(48:44):
talking about how to break out. Yeah, but we are
breakout plane involved honestly killing you. I understand that. That's
why I broke finally, and let you know that I
am this very famous doctor because I too, I am impatient.
So who is holding us? Alright, alright, all you guys
need to get these pills? Nurse nurse, nurse who runs
(49:08):
this place? Tell him? Nurse Kimber? What tell him? Nurse
Kimber who runs this place? Nurse Kimball runs this place?
That's those more comments in there. I'm not at liberty
to say who runs this place? Check? Where did you
get the pillers from? Where did you get the pills from?
Dr Wibblebubble, Dr little bottle wibble bubble wibble bubble him? What? Fine?
(49:36):
Follow me, but you got to be quiet, all right?
Grab the bones on quick, what that tiny thing? Yeah,
all right, where we going? I mean, I'm just gonna
bring you to the front office. Doctor. Oh, we've got
some patience. Don't tell him my patience, you idiot. We
got some other doctors that need leaving. Alright, the case
(50:03):
are on the wall. Look, I can't believe it was simple.
The whole time they are on the hook. They're labeled
front door. Of course they are otherwise be confusingly. I'm
just a nurse, all right, Please help to find the
(50:23):
front door. Okay, follow me. So exit DCTR. What's the
first are you going to do when you get that side?
I'm going to go to the party of the century
and here's the front door. Come free. Oh thank god
there was an exit. Uh. Bait and Switch is the
(50:48):
name of that episode, Bait and Switch. I want to
thank all of our alchemists, one of which Joey Greer,
had to duck out. What happened. I know that was
he gave a heads up of sorts that Joey had
a call all back. Now, let's let's guess what that
callback might have been for, because he was very cryptic
with that part of the story. I'm gonna say I
(51:08):
think that he was overdrawned in his accountant. He had
called and they said that they couldn't take his call
right now, but there'd be a call. So he's downstairs phone.
I don't know. I mentioned James Teney. What else can
you say as we close up this show? Anything, anything
you'd like? Well, Joey can be found at Jeffy Greeper.
That's on Twitter and probably Instagram. That's very true. Thank
(51:31):
you for that. And you and me, I'm on just
find me at the real James Heney dot com. Thank you,
Craig Kkowski, Thank you so much for joining us as
always my pleasure at Kakowski on Twitter. And keep watching
season six of Drunk Drink History amazing. Has there been
an announcement yet about the next season? Nope? Nope, so waiting.
Uh six seasons by the way, Hey, that's a good
congratulations on all of it as this season is being celebrated. Yeah, yeah,
(51:53):
it's another great one. Uh. Colin Hanks was launch really
great episode? Phenomenal? Uh? And uh season two? When don't
you go back to work on the season too? September?
We go back to Montreal? Oh man, exciting? So you
shot in Montreal last season one? Yeah, Montreal Rome in Marrakesh.
(52:14):
Oh my yeah, how is Marrakesh. It's amazing. It is
a wonderful little slice of heaven. Uh yeah, but though
not my favorite city in Morocco Tangier on the way down.
My favorite city, well, the Western Hotel in Tangier. I
don't know, the Western Hotel. I stayed at a go
to the westerne stayed. I stayed in a hostel to
(52:37):
get out of here as an employee of the network.
Uh oh no, this was I went to tant you
on my own. Yeah, the network, the network, I'll stay.
I'll stay in a nice hotel when the network at
the three seasons and yeah yeah season two coming up
and Blood Treasure Tuesdays at ten on CBS Blood and Treasure.
(52:58):
Let's thank Doug Bain, Engineer to the Stars, Raphael Brito,
Sophie liten Our producing, and I heart Media. I encourage
all of you to write a review till everyone you've
ever met about Alchemy this and right to us. For
goodness sake, your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Uh
(53:22):
check us out on Instagram and uh send us anything.
We're getting all kinds of amazing videos now and we
greatly appreciate everything you're putting into the show. It means
the world to us, honestly, to know that you're out there.
We will find you. I'm your host, Kevin Polic Until
next time, Alchemy a football
Welcome back to another episode of Bogomy this. I'm your host.
Kevin Pollock ys that, Kevin poll No, thank you. You're
very kind, but I really shouldn't. Oh well, sure if
you and says I'll have just one dozen donets, then
thank you, But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists for today,
shall we, in no particular order? Say, load of Craig Atkowski, Coco,
(00:22):
when the wind chimes at night? What are they calling
you to do? To turn into the ground from winds? Came?
Get back to the earth and I willow it's not over.
Go back down the table waiting for the wind to chime, Sit,
(00:45):
put your shirts. All U scenario is sort of made up,
But yeah, I know. I'm just rolling with you, even
magic because it's James anytime, Jimmy, June and Jude control
the banks and Tied didn't say that. I didn't say that,
But you're not just missing up. Well, I mean, it's funny,
(01:08):
but that's your favorite and fondest memory of sleeping outdoors.
I brought my that time girlfriend out to Joshua Tree
on Valentine's Day to camp out, and it was both
fucking freezing. It was like thirty degrees and I had
no ideas like it's the desert, it's going to be hot. Now.
Is that the EXCUSEA gave when it was I didn't
(01:28):
have a tent and have anything. It's it's exactly, but
I remember very well it was it's an unforgettable camping trip,
sleeping outdoors. It is about a hello to Mark Gagliardi.
Hello MG. As a first time bank robber, what would
you ride on the note you hand the teller? The
(01:50):
first thing I would say is, first of all, high,
because I want to be polite. And then I would
just give a concise list of demands and I wouldn't
be threatening. And as I walked up to the teller
and saw what that person looked like, I would make
sure I wrote a little compliment. So this is how
you do things professionally. Yeah, exactly. There's no reason to
do your job in a mean way. What your job is? Yeah,
(02:13):
I mean Joey with the snark and last but Dang Dong,
which is dead in your pants if you think him, Lacey,
it's Joey Greer Joey if you will, favorite Childhood cereal
and why Lucky Charms. It was just Irish heritage, so
you believe there was Irish in the box. All right,
(02:37):
let's get to our first scene, shall we? All today's
scene suggestions to gather from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please write to the podcast that
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That is
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Please when
you can, however, you listen to your podcast, go on
there and write a review. Tell folks what you think
about the show. We'd love to hear from you, so
(03:00):
please do right to us as well. Our first email,
in fact, comes from Jenny, who wrote Gang Hello, Kevin, Hello, Kevin,
Gang Hello, new favorite podcast, brilliant. I would love you
to imagine the following an erotic fan fiction author a
serious case of writer's block, and then in internally frustrated muse,
(03:26):
excuse me sorry, eternally frustrated mus I'm okay, I've broken
into a sweat publisher running low on patients. Again, that's
the author, the writer's block, the frustrated muse, and a
publisher running low on patients. Have fun. Jenny, Look, I
(03:48):
don't care what you tell me. All right, Look, I
gotta get this book out in a month. All right,
do you understand what I'm saying? Who do you get that?
You're just getting through you? Mr? Mr? I was like,
I have to say, I'm trying, and Flowers, Mr Flowers,
I'm trying everything I can do to get this book
out as quickly as possible. But but I have no
I have no I have no dry have no sex appeal,
(04:10):
and no magic. Right here, I'm sitting right here, look
at you understand with this as my muse, if you
could only, if the publishing house could only see fit
to bring me a new muse, maybe maybe I'm sorry.
I am sorry, Janelle, Janelle, I'm sorry, but your muse
powers are over. I just believe I'm hearing this. I need,
(04:33):
Mr Flowers, I need a new muse. But that's fine, Okay,
she's mused up. All right, I'll give you something that
we're running out of paper I use May I use
that line in my book stuff? Yeah? Of course, no, no,
no problem, no problem. Happy to help you know I
used to be righting myself. Yes, I'm so sorry interrupt.
Do you need more time at the menu? Yes we do,
Yes we do, all right, and actually, let's just get
(04:55):
a bottle of anything else. I I'm looking for the
new news and the news well then might get off
its sex. Oh well, look, what's your name? You're coming
up your name tech? Jeez, I'm sorry, Claude, Claude. Very
nice to meet your Claude to my pleasure, lovely. How's
(05:15):
your I tea? It's wonderful, Thank you? Could I get
some catchup? Of course, so we're gonna be on the
same check and she's going to be. But maybe maybe
Claude and I can work together. I'm sorry this did
you need something? You just with with this table? Right? Journal?
Is my film mus former news? Oh that's tough? What right?
All right? Well let me know if you need anything else.
(05:35):
I'll be back in a few minutes. Alright, who's doing
it from me? Maybe? What do you want? I need
a little more tempt to finish the book and now
that Claude might be my new news, I do not know.
Maybe we will see where things will go good. Maybe
maybe I can do things with the Claude and that
that can inspire you to What do you mean you
got fired? I was doing the best and I couldn't.
(05:58):
I guess it's Jesus. Chris Ice babe, what am I
after going to get back into the workforce? I hope.
So it wasn't my choice. What did you do? I
didn't do anything. I did not being a good muse.
What did you get? The milk was milk my brothers
(06:21):
living with us. Now, okay, okay, it's just that right now,
maybe it's not a good time to have an extra
person feed. I don't have as or just in the fridge.
We don't cheap it in the drawers, dish it. If
there's no milk in the fridge, it's because we're out.
Maybe go buy something. Look, I can't tell my brother
he can't live here. Well but okay he can live here,
(06:42):
but maybe he can. But it wasn't my fault. I
think that what it was inspiring the guy. I feel
like I was inspiring. Do you never feel inspired by me?
Like I don't. I don't know what this art stuff? Babe?
You know that's your thing? Yeah, thank you. Sausage or no,
it's a sausage. We should be in the freezer. If
(07:03):
there is any is the sausage in the freezer because
it keeps longer that way. It's just put it into
the But I want it now I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll fix that later. We'll we'll just try to keep
it as cold. Look man, alright, Look, if you're gonna
throw a party of the centery, you gotta guarantee of venue. Okay,
do you have a venue? Do I have a venue? Yeah,
(07:26):
I've got a venue coming in my place, your place
a century alright, because I just I gave you a
lot of money for this party, all right, Yeah, okay,
you know I've already spent some of that, so I'm
gonna need a little more of an advance, a little
more of an advance. Yeah, I mean, do you want
a party of the centry or not? Of course, but
I gave you thirty grand no, okay, Like this is
(07:48):
what's gonna happen. Okay, we have a fucking sausage and
milk spread. Um, we're gonna have dogs fight goats, right,
tell them about the hats. Okay, everybody when they walk
in is gonna get a hat, and that is gonna
have the name of a different, uh celebrity. But you
(08:11):
don't know, you don't know what celebrity you are, so
people are gonna treat you like that celebrity all night
it's gonna be a celebrity that matches that. Okay, So
it's gonna be like you know, it was still fight
Abraham Lincoln. I'm just confused about the milk and sausage
bars forray sake, guivara. Okay, you gotta guess what celebrity
you are based on the party of the sec. Okay,
(08:31):
that's it. That's where the thirty grand. I tell you.
The dogs are gonna fight goats. Don't give a shit
about that. Okay, I don't give a sh but look,
I'm a party planner. Okay, I make big parties go.
This needs to happen, now, do you get that? Okay,
DJ DJ man, I do me a favorite DJ helped me.
Come on, what do you Okay? Like I can offer
(08:53):
another thirty grand and that's it, right, that's very fair.
My first time being a mused, so I really have
to be honest. I don't know how this works. Well
it's it's very easy. All you have to do is
just to chat with me. Okay. Well, first let me
say that I think your home is lovely, thank you
very much. As a sausage and a freezer, oh that's
very kind of you. Um, and so do I do?
(09:17):
I tell stories? Do I? How do I? I'm here
to inspire you. Yes, you're here to inspire me. So really,
what I need you to do is when I have
an idea, just I just need to say, oh is
that's good? Okay? So what ideas are you currently floating?
I do not have any. I don't I'm gonna spit
pass my saf anything sparks this, this is this is
(09:38):
the kind of thing my old muse would never do
for me. Right, okay? A party of this century? That
sounds good? I like that and hats okay, is the
story of a party of the century? And celebrities? Are
you just saying words? Or does he? I'm picturing the
whole thing, does he? I'm band together in cool. It
(10:04):
doesn't make it any better if you say it longer.
It's I get I'm sorry before It's okay. I just
appreciate you being here. Just will you? Just will you
just warring? Not pause different colors? But actual, Really, really,
what I just need you to do is just sort
(10:24):
of beas for me and let me I'm sorry, It's okay,
It's okay, lovely home, thank you. I'm just going to
start gliding okay, I'll just be here when you need me.
Thank you. Okay, mm hmmm are you eating chips? Should
I not? It's okay, I just need it very very
(10:47):
very very quiet. Okay. Sorry, are you just shuffling around
all of the papers on my desk? Now? I would right,
I'm so sorry. That's all right? Is this your pen? Yes? Olives?
These pens on my pens? Do you collect pens? Well?
I purchased him, but you don't write with one. Again.
(11:08):
The main thing right now is that I need is
is just for you to be peaceful and quiet and
into amuse. Yes, we Why Why do all these boxes
keep showing up with your name on it? What is
going on? Okay? Goat food? We don't have goats. We're
(11:29):
gonna have goats, okay, and they're gonna need to be fed. Okay,
But why I'm throwing the party of the century where
at my condo? Yes, I'm not supposed to have dogs.
Don't feel don't feed the dogs. They need to be angry.
They need to be angry. Listen, your brother, I don't
(11:50):
know if this is the right time, but he keeps
leaping dogs away from the chicken. Okay, can we can
we come into the bedroom, we can talk. Whose baby
is that? A baby goat? That's so cute? Kid? Can
we go into the bedroom really quick? Oh yeah, no, no,
in fact, let's just go to the bathroom anywhere. Internally frustrated,
(12:11):
I just don't want to be abound all these animals
right now. I want to have a concert face with you.
What is that? It's a small elephant? Okay, it's a
small elephant. Sounds like he's an Yes, he's the trainer. Like,
I'm not gonna have an elephant here without a trainer. Listen.
(12:33):
I am sick and tired of you. What are you
doing in here? What the fuck? What are you doing?
And taking a ship the door? Lock the door. This
is my bathroom, this is my kind my brother alone. Fu, dude,
I'm sorry, man, I'm glad both of you guys are
here because you know what you guys are out. Okay,
(12:56):
what you've done here? Baby? After your party? Influencers coming
to this party? Okay, Okay, we need to create instagrammable situations. Okay, okay,
Well maybe I can be amused for you. What you
money to pay you to be amused? Just thinking about
just free? Don't could you please stop shooting. He can't
(13:19):
plug it like that. It's just like, maybe we could
work together as a team. Maybe that would change around
our relationship. Danny, when you're done? Is that this is
my friend? What's up? You're making a really hard freak condo.
By the way, thank you. It's a bit of a
man the wild life. Alright, babe? How would you improve
(13:43):
this party beyond what I've already planned, which is amazing.
I'm thinking maybe I could inspire you to get what
DJ gave me money? No, a disc jockey, disc jockey
a music. Usually I just do sex music, but this
is this is fun. It's a new career path. DJ.
(14:06):
Maybe it's me for because you leave, he's clearly taking
a ship. This is no need for You're busted it
on us. Yeah, man, we're trying to put woman premed
right right. I didn't know you were trying to. My
brother's a genius. I didn't know. Okay, I'll leave you guys.
(14:27):
Just think about it. DJ music, Okay, DJ, what is this, Claude?
What is this? I read in the paper? Um, every
one of your ideas when you told me your magical
idea about the party of this century, goats fighting horses
or whatever. Look at this, Open to page six. Show
me that parties that is described right there on page
(14:47):
six one thousand, top influences. Was there, yes, yes, yes?
Were you musing for someone else? I know you were
musing for another writer? How could your ideas I've wound
up in another party unless you unless you amused cheat? Well,
listen when I said this was my first time I met,
(15:09):
the first time with you, and I have had other
people being in need of what the magic it is
I create? You have? Let me try one more suggestion
for you. I do not fine, I'm gonna give you
a single word. All right, peacock, peacock, just close your eyes.
(15:31):
That is very good, peacock. I have my eyes closer.
I mean, young peacock. But why do I know? How
do I know that tomorrow I opened the paper about
the Peacock party. I promise you won't. All right, this
is DJ Peacock over there. I really to make sure
you grab a hat. There's a celebrity name in your hat.
(15:51):
Don't look at it. Remember running the milk? Okay, baby,
what do you with the milk? I was need charge
the milk out? She is I am a party I'm
just supposed to be the inspirationous all right, who wants
to go for an elephant ride ride? There's too many
people here. I'm not supposed to have to make cho
(16:14):
odean man cheeto ode. What then am I supposed to
do about man? I'm just carrying him around the party.
I don't have time for this man, and dump him
out back, dump him out back, out back. Were seventy
stories up like I don't have time for this man, dope,
(16:35):
do not do that? Can I just can? I just
ask when he said I don't have time for that man,
how many things were on his play at that moment?
As the one thousand influencer present he needed to get
that sixty grand back? That was fun? Did anyone pay
to get it? I forget to charge scene too. Some
(17:03):
Erica who wrote first, I'd like to start this email
off by saying, I love Joey and I die laughing
every time he mentions hiding things in his prison pocket.
Thank you. My scene suggestion is simple tarot card reading.
That's all. Love you, Erica. G alright, who is next?
(17:25):
Think you are next? Let me see him? Make sure
your name is on her lists? Are you Carl? Yes? Okay, Carl,
Now there's a few things you should know before you
go in to see Madam Wednesday. First of all, take
off your shoes. Okay. I have very long feet, so
(17:48):
that oh she's used to that. Also, we need you
to take off your pants. Okay. This is a Tarot
card reading. Okay, yeah, yes, okay. Have you not taken
off your pants before? For terra I've never reading. I've
just seen them right, right, Well, this is not a
(18:09):
fictional Terra card reading, right, this is happening. This is
real and as his tradition, shoes and pants okay, okay.
And did you have water today? Yeah? I had about
a gallon and a half. A gallon and a half.
That's a lot of water. I wake up early. Would
you like to use the restroom before because once Madam
(18:31):
Wednesday starts, you need to stay in the pocket. That's fine, okay,
all right, give me a moment when I check with
mat On, Madam Wenday, Madam Wednesday. Yes, we have a
gentleman here by the name of Carl. Hello. Yes, he's primed,
all right, and um I'll send him in with is
(18:53):
he wearing? Is he is he wearing? What I suggested?
That he come in wearing. Yes, wonderful, precisely, come on in, Carl,
Madam Wednesday. HELLI Carl, how are you? Hi'm wonderful. Is
this your first time getting a tarot card reading? Yes
it is. I knew that. That's great, Yes, it's my
first time. Here's what I'd like you to do, Carl. Okay,
(19:14):
I'm going to fan these cards out. I'd like you
to pick one of them. Okay. Can I pick two
or just one for now? Okay? This we'll get more
advanced as we go. Pick one for now. Okay, take
a look at the card, don't show me, Put it
back in the deck and shuffle. Then tell me. Now
you have to pick another one. Did you pick another one?
(19:34):
Don't tell me what it is. I haven't picked one. Okay,
take a look at that card, okay, don't just look
at the back of it. What does it say on
the front? Yea, okay, I need you to pick one
more card. Do you know what you understand? Up? Cards work? Yes?
Of course, there's a back that has a picture that's
the same on all the cards. I'm sorry, it's my
first time doing taro. I'm sorry. That's all right, Um,
(19:56):
pick any card from the deck and look at the
face part of the card, but don't don't tell me
what it says. All right, now put it back in
the deck. Um, I forgot what my card was. I'm
going to need you one more time, Carl to fan.
I'm going to fan out the deck. I'd like you
to pick one card. Alright. I'd like you to slide
(20:18):
that card out of the deck. You've done that, now,
I'd like you to look that's not We're going to
need one more card. One more card. We're going to
do this one more time. Do not do me a
favor card. Do not say any words after you take
your card. It's part of the magic of tarot. Right now,
take your card. Look at your card, and do you
(20:40):
remember Will you remember what that card says? You can
say yes or no when I ask you a yes
or no question. Will you remember what the card says? Yes? Okay?
Put the card back inside the deck. Do you remember
what the card says? Yes? Are you lying to me, Carl, Yes? Okay.
(21:04):
I'm gonna need you to pick one more card, Carl,
one more card. This is the last time. Pick the card,
look at the card, put the card back in the deck.
Right now, shuffle up the deck, don't let me see
and I'm going to dig through. Is this your card? Yes?
Thank you, Madam Wednesday. Next, please wait a second, that way,
(21:28):
hold on, hold on, okay, are you ready to see
I'm ready to see her. I'm gonna need you to
take off your shoes. But this is fucking bullshit here.
I'm sorry, sir, I'm just a little upset about the
last tarot card reading I got from Madame Wednesday. From
Madam Wednesday, Yes, okay, I'm ready. Okay, I can get
you before we go out. Do you have some water?
(21:50):
Thank you? Okay, here you go, thank you? Anything else?
Your energy will probably change once, I'm sure it will,
once she explains herself. Can you give me just a moment. Sure,
I'll make sure she's ready for you. I'm sure she is.
She's a tarot card reader, all right, right for you?
Right here? What's your name again? John? That's right, Madam Wednesday.
(22:13):
John is here. He seems a bit disgruntled. Do you
think I could change his energy? Or should we tell
him that I'm not here? You know, it's a it's
a bit of a coin flip. Well, let's see what happens. Okay,
bring him in all right, John again, Madam Wednesday. Only
(22:34):
able to help you if you want to be help
I want to be helped. Okay, then come right this way,
Madam Wednesday. Hello John, I am fucking furious. I went
and I was at a cocktail party and I talked
about what a wonderful experience I had my fucking tarot cards,
and they told me you just did a god damn card, trek.
(22:56):
I don't know what goddamn card, trek. I want to
know my future. Want to know your future. I want
to know my future, bitch. I don't want to goddamn
car tripped, John, You told me what car I was.
I was impressed. But that's not tarot card, John, John,
cut these cards, okay, all right now the card that
(23:19):
you cut to look at that car? Right? You know what?
This time it'll it's okay that you tell me tear
that card up right now? John? What open up your
button up shirt? And what does your t shirt say?
Oh my god, Space Wednesday. Yeah. So, I mean, I've
(23:42):
gone to a couple of things before, psychics and such,
but it was it was really really good, um, and
many wanted more sausage or milk. There were good on those.
I could use the mar sauce, but I really recommend
uh going onto your comfort zone and get in a
tarot card read. So what what was the sort of
positive thing that happened afterwards? You just enlightened or something
actually came your way? Yeah? Oh so after I got
(24:04):
my card read and like she knew what it was. Uh,
did you talk about your death your riches? That's one
thing I've heard that there's the death card, but it's
not always bad, likesition and you're going one part is
dying and the parts of being born. Yeah, and none
of that happened. There was none of that. Pick the
death card or the Night of Cups card? Did you pick? Uh? Well,
(24:26):
I got a whole honestly, picked a whole bunch of
was um, let's see, I got a Squirtle. Uh which
and then which is the Pokemon card? And then I
got this does not sound at all like the tarot
card reading. I god, what did you get? Probably someone else? I? Well,
I picked your card madam Onnesday. She's a phenomenal, huge
(24:49):
great reviews. She guessed my card like that, I'm sorry,
I guessed your card yeah, I guess my card, like
from tarot card deck. I I'm not an expert, but
she gets the car and it was right. What was
your car? It was spades like on your T shirt there? Yeah, yeah,
my favorite church. Sure, it was just like this little chance.
(25:12):
You knew that was your favorite you've gone there before.
I mean, this isn't this is a I mean she's
consistently the best rated. Yelped. This sounds like a magician.
You're sure you went to a tarot card reading you
sounds like you were there a similar to Wait what Wednesday?
I was just telling my story about it. Yeah, I
heard you talk about Squirtle. That's a Pokemon car. Yeah,
(25:33):
but that was part of that that was in the deck?
Is she giving you a better special than me? Squirtle
is not a tarot card? What else was in the deck?
I think it was. That's what you pulled. Okay, So
I'm not I'm not here to judge you in any
way like that, or like bring an indictment on you
your family, or say how much you know your brother
is a piece of ship. Invited me over for a
dinner party because you're my friend. Yes, yeah, but your
(25:57):
brother is a piece of ship, and you're saying, Madam
Wednesday's here your party, and we too will have a
chance to has been in my bedroom for a minute here? Yeah, yeah,
that's the whole fucking point. Man. Is that why this
incense is burning? Oh my god, put that out, holy ship,
put that out? Holy? Oh my god, that was that
(26:17):
was a newspaper on fire, holy ship, incense. Holy thank
you for calling that out. Oh my god? Can I
go next? Firefighters around here? Actually she's going to dictate
who goes. Well, yeah, that's kind of like her whole thing.
So whenever she's ready to come out. But I'm gonna
get those milk and uh floating sausages. I'm ready for
the next one. You, yes, you the one who is
(26:40):
obviously excited. Oh, super excited, super excited. Please yeah, step
into the spare bedroom. Thank you so much. It is
the main bedroom. This is my first bedroom. Yeah, this
is as good as it gets the bedrooms. It's my
first time, so super excited. I've only seen terra card
readings and movies television, but it's my different and realize
(27:00):
is it it is? Okay? Okay, okay, okay, what do
I do? Here's what i'd like you to do. Yeah,
I would like you. I'm going to fan out these cards.
I would like you too, like a deck of cards.
It's it's decks of assorted cards, right, I'm a poker player.
I recognized this as being you recognize the rain card. Yes,
(27:21):
the rider back bicycle playing cards? Yeah? Yeah, yes, um,
some of them are. Some of them are baseball cards,
some of them are Pokemon Go cards. Okay, okay, great, great.
I do things my own way. The spirit Yeah, I
just think your brother is a piece of ship. There's
nothing to stop saying that. It's just I'm not even
in contact with them. Good good either, good good, and
(27:45):
you know we should honestly, let's just all take our
shoes and pants off now, because she's gonna ask what
pretty much you have to it's not a thing for tarot.
I'm so sorry I forgot to ask you before. Would
you mind taking your shoes and pants off? It's part
of a Tarot card reading. The belt probably is the
first place to start, and then the laces. I man,
(28:08):
how is it part? Oh? It's it's probably best not
to question the spiritual round. I just wanted to learn
as much as I could have bet are you going
into the taro? No? No, I just wanted so so
excited and curious. Now I'd like you to pick one card.
Keep my short tongue, keep your shorts on, that's fine.
Pick one card. Okay, okay, take a look at that card. Now,
(28:30):
climb inside this box. Oh that's good sized, bobs yep,
and lay flat. Wonderful. I wonder if I'm just gonna
close this lid here. Okay. Uh. It sounds like you're
obsessed with my brother. If I was. If I was
obsessed with him, that then I would know exactly where
he is. Bringing him up. Well, then tell him to
call me so I can stop bringing him up. Why
(28:52):
should he call you? Because you know what, man, when
you make it connection with somebody like that over those
many years, you think that they're going to have your
back once in a while, but they fucking don't. Okay,
And you met once at my birthday party and were
sucking jam man. We had a jam man, all right,
And you know what, I honestly I blame your ass
that kind of ship. All right. No, dude, you're just
you're you're always saying you're gonna do stuff and you
never do it. Honestly, you're just disgusting. So you know,
(29:14):
you know what, No more sausages for you. I think
you've had enough. I want floating sausages in my glass
of milk. I think you've had enough, Thank you very much. Okay, okay, fine,
I'm not chipping in for the terror reader. Bullshit, you've
already you're here, aren't you. You sprang as last minute. Yeah,
honestly I should have told you. I didn't think it
would come up. But I'm actually not allowed to be
(29:35):
within fifty feet of Madam Wednesday. What the last time
I was there, I kind of made an ass of myself.
I screamed, I yelled. So she has a restraining order
on you. This is a whole well yeah, I mean
it was just served me at the paper, you know,
door pants and shoes off. Well, because I'm going in
and getting my reading. If you're chipping in, I'm getting
(29:55):
a reading. She actually won't recognize me. Look, dude, if
you cover his half, fine, okay, but it's the only
way I'm allow allowing this to go down. Yeah, good
luck getting your future from wild card draw for What
does that mean? No she doesn't, man, No she doesn't.
So what happens. Just stay in the box and then
you tell me. You stay in the box because I
(30:15):
remember what my card is and what was your card?
I should tell you. You You should tell me so you
don't guess what it was or know what it was.
Who's the madam here? King of hearts? That's correct? Yes,
I mean now I need you to now I'm in
this all. Make sure it's real. Okay, lean your head
(30:39):
out the door. Tell everyone else that the saw is real.
You can vouch for it real. Yeah. Fine, But look, man,
if you're gonna do anything that's like that, it's got
to be legit. I'm getting out of here. You're getting
out of here. You're standing there having a good time,
and you're calling your brother right now. I don't want
it any more of your goddamn sausages. Call your brother
right now. Put him on speaker. Fine, here he is. Hello, Hello,
(31:02):
who is talk talk Pete? Who's that on the phone? What?
I'm just here at a party with some friends. Hey, Jake,
it's Gil. It's Gil jail. Yeah, it's Gil. Carl Gil
Oh Carl Gil? Oh? Yeah, hey man, just say what's up.
It's been a minute. Uh do you mind if I
take this on the porch. Wait sure, Oh, I'm sorry.
(31:25):
I been good. I just I got kids and a wife.
I don't call you got kids and a wife? You
got kids and a wife. Well, I'm sure hearing them
be happy every day is a great thing. Huh yeah,
this is a little weird on the seventeen floor? Is man?
So fuck you? That that saw is definitely real? So
what what happens? Well? I saw you in half? Sorry,
(31:48):
but you stay whole. Oh man, this is so great.
That's so great. Okay, okay, and clothes the lid, yes,
of course, close the lid. You can't see how the
tarot works. Nobody wants to know the tarot if it's
not a good tarot trick of art. God, I'm so sorry.
Interrupted interrupted Madame Madam. Wednesday, there Gill jumped off the balcony.
(32:11):
Who's killed? He's hosting the party, Carlo Gill? Oh, Carl,
I only know his Carl, I know him? Is Gil?
Wait wait, let me get you out of this box. Please,
what are you doing. I'm doing a tarot reading. You're saying,
Carl jumped off the side of the building. Is that
a Kim Griffy rookie card. Yes, it is right next
(32:33):
to this wild card Draw four. All right, I'm gonna
take four more. Oh I seem to have loved How
did you get all the rookie cards, Madam Wednesday. I
know that I'm not supposed to be around you again.
I got my pants and shoes off, and it's an emergency.
All right. My friend just fell off the floor. Didn't
fall off. I hope it was falling. It might I
(32:58):
feel like it. I can't tell. I just drew a
death card. Oh that doesn't necessarily mean death. But he
just does off. We don't know if he died, but
it doesn't necessarily he dies. Let's go down to the
lobby and see if he's just in transition. What kind
of fucking tero is this? Take your pants off before
we go outside. Yes, everyone, take your pants off. We're
(33:18):
going outside. Oh my fucking car man, Oh my fucking
car man. Oh man. Oh see, it's just a transition.
He just landed on his card. His own card ruined
my car. You know what. Oh no, your body is
in half. I have an idea. I have a box
that will put you back together. God, my fucking car man.
(33:41):
Someone grab his other half. I got his legs. Oh
my god, Oh my god, he looks just like this
garbage pail kid that you gave me. That's a rookie, Carmen.
All right, quick, get him in the box. Get him
in the box. Oh my god, you're gonna be okay, Carl. Alright, Carl,
I'm going to close the lid of the box. Okay,
stay with us, Car all right, that's right, that's right. Okay,
(34:07):
And Carl, Carl, what card is this I'm holding in
front of your face? Just about tut Car is just
stay with us, stay with Queen of Steel. Should call
my brother. I think they're having a brokeback mountain thing.
(34:28):
Do we think Carl survives? That's a sign, madam? Wow, madam,
those of you listening, A piece of the wall just
came off. Uh uh alchemists, mouths agape and eyes popping
as I didn't know what was happening behind me. It
(34:50):
was just one of these soundproofing dou you Okay, yeah
it did. I didn't see anything. I just saw these
guys freaking out in front of me. All right, we're
gonna go to scene three now, Scene three are here?
We are Okay. This is from a net who wrote,
(35:13):
dear alchemists, I've been enjoying your podcast for a while.
I'm a resident psychiatrist, and my suggestion is one of
my recurring thoughts. Quote, what if I was admitted to
a psychiatric facility and nobody believed I was a psychiatrist.
I hope this is an okay suggestion. It can be
fun for you. Most sincerely, A net Lamb l E
(35:37):
l I E M lean Lamb. I think lime Annett,
thank you, Anette, thank you a Nette. All right, So
this will be your room, and this is the call button,
of course, and uh, we have three pillows. Is that enough?
Three three pillars is plenty. I mean normally as a
(35:59):
as a physician, I would I would I would be
staying in one of the one of the physician housing.
I don't know why I'm being put in here. You're
not here because you're a physician, right, you're aware of that.
I'm not. I thought it was here to administer to patients. Okay,
so that me come through with pills here you go. Alright, look,
(36:23):
thank you, nurse, all right, have a good one. The
doctor will be able to explain. And I think more
than I'm able to as I'm just an administrate, right,
I'm I'm wearing a lab coat. I'm I see that
with a name tag. Yes, doctor Kendall, and I'll tell
you what. I'll send the doctor in right away so
you can have this conversation. Okay, great, Just make yourself comfortable,
all right? Is someone going to bring my my my
(36:46):
things down, my tools and supplies and briefs, and they'll
bring your tools as a psychiatrist. Is that what you're saying? Yes, okay,
of course, stay here. I Why are you looking at
me like that? It's very ominous? I know, how are
we today? Oh? Doctor? I was just telling the patient
that you'll be coming in, So if there, can I
(37:07):
get you anything? Uh, sparkling water? Okay, that's a doctor here.
We're going to be colleagues. Mid lime? Okay? Ice? No? No?
I could I could I actually get a sparkling water
with lime and ice? Yes? Of course you didn't get
the sparkling water for this other doctor. But see everybody
(37:29):
keeps doing that. I don't putting verbal quotes around the
word doctor when they mentioned me. I'm I'm here's a physician.
I in my apologies? How are we feeling today? Ready
to work? Ready? To work, and and what kind of
work do you do? I'm a psychiatrist. This sounds very condescending.
(37:58):
Do you have the tools of they were? I was
told they were going to be brought down to me. Okay,
what are the tools of psychiatrists? You know, little little
brain saws, the little brain, little brain saw and mostly,
you know, honestly, mostly it's a pen and paper and
an internet connection. Okay, that is important. Do you have
(38:20):
the WiFi by the way, No, No, what's the WiFi?
It's kind of complicated that. I'll have to Uh, okay,
I'll drop it to you. Okay, alright, wait, I don't
have my internet connection to my phone is with my Okay, well,
I guess you're not going to be able to get online. Then.
Oh you say that like you knew that was going
(38:41):
to happen? Did Is that how I said it? Yeah,
here's your sparkling water. Thank you again again, I think,
Mr I'm sorry Kendall. Oh wow, that's weird. Dr Kendall.
Mr Kendall, Yeah, um, I know, I'm so confused. I
(39:03):
believe I was brought here to help facilitate medicine, and
I'm frankly upset that I'm being treated as a patient. Here.
Are you not getting along with your roommate? Oh? Oh
is he he thinks he's a dog. That's right. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
(39:24):
we thought you would get along because I am a
doctor and he thinks he's a doctor. The people of
my patients are already in the Okay, who is this guy?
My name is Crampus, Doctor Crampus. But of course, but
(39:45):
of course, it's always good to meet the colleague. Of course,
it's nice to meet the colleague. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's
nice to meet colleagues. My my two colleagues. This is
Dr Crandell. Oh, doctor are crumbled? Why does everyone do
the air quotes around that? I am, I'm a medical doctor.
(40:08):
You are in today's our first group sessions a medical
doctors here. But you to stay in this room and
uh I come every day to visit. Oh it is
today first day. Yes, today's the first day my new
job as a psychiatrist in this Yeah, of course. Did
(40:30):
oh you go sparkling water? Sparkling water in the could
you get me sparkling water please? Alcohol? I'm sorry, it
doesn't make very well with your pills, so you cannot
have any snaps. I was just given pills when I
walked in. I didn't know what did you eat them?
They were they were literally shot into my mouth. Like
(40:52):
with You have pills and bodies, so you cannot have snaps.
You see the problem? Right, even if you you don't
even know what's in you don't know? I mean, right
you with your chiming. Look, just because your beard is
two different colors and mine is only one, does not
make me any less of a doctor than you. And
just because you're the one I think it's the marching
here whenever he wants with your legal pad, does not
(41:12):
make you more of a doctor than me. Maybe maybe
it sounds like you're not in a good mood to
have group session right now. No, I'm not in a
good mood to have a group session right now. Excuse me.
I'd like to just be you know what. I don't
think I'm gonna stay in this place. I think I'm
just gonna get an apartment down the street and I'll
come and go as I please and visit patients that way.
Because you work here, yes, because I work here. Right, Look,
(41:36):
why why don't we step out the room and this
step I stay in an observe a step out, stay
in each other, and I'm gonna lock this door. Okay,
what do you feel that he is not the doctor
(41:56):
because he doesn't have a brain song? I think, Brian,
So you're really going to hold onto that one, aren't you. Well,
it's the first thing that you said when I asked
what I didn't know? I think I have a whole kit.
That is, actually I have. I have a I have
(42:16):
a vintage lobotomy kit that was given to me when
I graduated from medical school as a you know, as
a reminder of medicine always moving forward, and it's something
important to me. And my father was a psychiatrist. His
father was my father is a psychiatrist. Don't just repeating everything.
Psychiatrist And when I graduated, I got vintage lobotomy kit. Really,
(42:40):
your life is exactly my life. Well, I don't know
about that. I mean, do you have a dog? I
did have a dog. I lost it in a breakup.
Oh really, the dog broke up? No, then I broke
up with a My ex wife got to keep the
dog in our divorce. Of course, of course that makes much. Yes, yes,
(43:02):
how are you feeling right now? I'm not exactly sure
that we should put those two together. I feel like
they might manifest each other's problems. Do you well, Dr
Cramps If I may call you that, of course it's
a preferred I am an administrator, and you do the
wonderful job at the story there. Did you get your paycheck?
I did get my paycheck, Thank you. It comes every week.
(43:22):
It just puts right into the pact. Deposit, direct deposit.
That's what you do with it. Well, that's what you
do with it, and it just ends up in my account.
We direct deposited. That's what as far as I know,
it all works. That's wonderful. We direct the positive. Your paycheck, okay,
be deposited on a weekly basis. Why are you standing
(43:44):
outside of this room? Don't shut that door because you
work here? Okay, of course I work here. Let me
back out of this room. No, it's rest time, but
don't lock door. Don't watch the door. Can I confess
something to you? Sure? I am a second test. I
don't think that Crampas is a doctor. You don't say
(44:05):
I think Crampus was faking it? And what about that Kindle?
Not you, no, not you crindle right? But the guy,
Mr Kindle, you know. I mean, he he seemed like
he knew more about this place than anyone else. But
(44:26):
but you'd have to be insane to know that much
about this place? Am I being gas lit? We gotta
get out of here. If we got the brick out,
you know what, For the first time, I think you
might be onto something. Yeah, I just want to go
back to my normal life as a regular, real, actual psychiatrist.
(44:51):
I can hear you through the ventilation on it. I'm
too stuck in Rome. Wait, Crampus, is that you Crampus?
Hey Crampas, are you a real Are you a real psychiatrist?
Of course some real psychologists. They accidentally luked me in
the room. Wait did you say psychologist or psychiatrist? Did
I need to get out of your very fast? Are
(45:14):
you planning escape? Yeah? That's my tiny brain outside of
the room. Otherwise I used that to get through the
vent You know what, I have a tiny brain saw
in here. You'll have your lobotomy. Kids. Grandfather gave you
exactly my lobotomy, kid that my grandfather gave me. How
did you get that in here? Was it your prison docket?
(45:34):
It was in my prison pocket. I hope it's in
like a baggy or something I knew I forgot something.
Hang on me, you know what. Let's think of another way.
There's got to be another way to get out of
this room other than the tiny brain saw. When Kimball
comes back in here, we jump him, okay and kill him? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look,
(45:59):
I don't know your psychologist. I don't know if that's it. Well,
psychologist is your doctor. I don't think killing is a
good idea. What what is wrong with killing? He'd be
dead afterwards? We Kindles coming back, Kendles coming back. Okay, gentlemen,
it's just about lunch time, and so if you could
wrap up the session, that'd be great. Lunch is in
(46:24):
forty five minutes, but five minutes. That's we're wrapping up
in forty five minutes. I want to give you enough time.
It seems like an early warning. It's a long walk
through the cafeteria. Yeah, it's not around the corner, that's
for sure. I'm sorry, I have a new watch. It's
an hour fifteen, so we have an hour fifteen left
of our lunch. All right? Yeah? Is your sparkling water? Okay? Yeah? Good?
(46:51):
Is there anything else I can get you down? Out
of here? Please? What do you mean I'd like to
be I'd like to be let out if here, I'd
like to get my own apart. Hold him holding down?
Its tiny? Okay, this isn't doing it's just annoying him.
(47:18):
We know, we know you don't work here. I can't
believe you broke through the war. I kept it inside
for as long as I possibly could. Gentlemen, please let
me join your party. How is the club soda? Are
you enjoying it? It came from a can kindle. This
(47:39):
whole time has been doctor Wishman, Dr Weiseman. I've been
conducting my own experiments next door. Mr Crampus still thinks
he's a doctor, but of course he's not. I'm going
to let him. What do you mean I'm not a doctor?
He thinks he's a psychologist. Did you hear that one
(48:01):
that's not a doctor? No, it isn't, Doctor Voiceman. You
you are infamous in the business because you are a
lone wolf. That's exactly right. I created my own form
of therapy. You are both doctors. Thank god I knew it.
We just have a very similar biography. It's very you
know what, I was skeptical about you thought you were
(48:22):
just repeating what I said. Yeah, he's a very famous doctor.
He wrote three books, one of which I read, and
he was very entertaining which one did These are my brains? Yeah,
that's a good that's a good one. And so I
must tell you, I too would like to plan and
escape from this place. Verit a minute. I overheard you're
(48:44):
talking about how to break out. Yeah, but we are
breakout plane involved honestly killing you. I understand that. That's
why I broke finally, and let you know that I
am this very famous doctor because I too, I am impatient.
So who is holding us? Alright, alright, all you guys
need to get these pills? Nurse nurse, nurse who runs
(49:08):
this place? Tell him? Nurse Kimber? What tell him? Nurse
Kimber who runs this place? Nurse Kimball runs this place?
That's those more comments in there. I'm not at liberty
to say who runs this place? Check? Where did you
get the pillers from? Where did you get the pills from?
Dr Wibblebubble, Dr little bottle wibble bubble wibble bubble him? What? Fine?
(49:36):
Follow me, but you got to be quiet, all right?
Grab the bones on quick, what that tiny thing? Yeah,
all right, where we going? I mean, I'm just gonna
bring you to the front office. Doctor. Oh, we've got
some patience. Don't tell him my patience, you idiot. We
got some other doctors that need leaving. Alright, the case
(50:03):
are on the wall. Look, I can't believe it was simple.
The whole time they are on the hook. They're labeled
front door. Of course they are otherwise be confusingly. I'm
just a nurse, all right, Please help to find the
(50:23):
front door. Okay, follow me. So exit DCTR. What's the
first are you going to do when you get that side?
I'm going to go to the party of the century
and here's the front door. Come free. Oh thank god
there was an exit. Uh. Bait and Switch is the
(50:48):
name of that episode, Bait and Switch. I want to
thank all of our alchemists, one of which Joey Greer,
had to duck out. What happened. I know that was
he gave a heads up of sorts that Joey had
a call all back. Now, let's let's guess what that
callback might have been for, because he was very cryptic
with that part of the story. I'm gonna say I
(51:08):
think that he was overdrawned in his accountant. He had
called and they said that they couldn't take his call
right now, but there'd be a call. So he's downstairs phone.
I don't know. I mentioned James Teney. What else can
you say as we close up this show? Anything, anything
you'd like? Well, Joey can be found at Jeffy Greeper.
That's on Twitter and probably Instagram. That's very true. Thank
(51:31):
you for that. And you and me, I'm on just
find me at the real James Heney dot com. Thank you,
Craig Kkowski, Thank you so much for joining us as
always my pleasure at Kakowski on Twitter. And keep watching
season six of Drunk Drink History amazing. Has there been
an announcement yet about the next season? Nope? Nope, so waiting.
Uh six seasons by the way, Hey, that's a good
congratulations on all of it as this season is being celebrated. Yeah, yeah,
(51:53):
it's another great one. Uh. Colin Hanks was launch really
great episode? Phenomenal? Uh? And uh season two? When don't
you go back to work on the season too? September?
We go back to Montreal? Oh man, exciting? So you
shot in Montreal last season one? Yeah, Montreal Rome in Marrakesh.
(52:14):
Oh my yeah, how is Marrakesh. It's amazing. It is
a wonderful little slice of heaven. Uh yeah, but though
not my favorite city in Morocco Tangier on the way down.
My favorite city, well, the Western Hotel in Tangier. I
don't know, the Western Hotel. I stayed at a go
to the westerne stayed. I stayed in a hostel to
(52:37):
get out of here as an employee of the network.
Uh oh no, this was I went to tant you
on my own. Yeah, the network, the network, I'll stay.
I'll stay in a nice hotel when the network at
the three seasons and yeah yeah season two coming up
and Blood Treasure Tuesdays at ten on CBS Blood and Treasure.
(52:58):
Let's thank Doug Bain, Engineer to the Stars, Raphael Brito,
Sophie liten Our producing, and I heart Media. I encourage
all of you to write a review till everyone you've
ever met about Alchemy this and right to us. For
goodness sake, your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Uh
(53:22):
check us out on Instagram and uh send us anything.
We're getting all kinds of amazing videos now and we
greatly appreciate everything you're putting into the show. It means
the world to us, honestly, to know that you're out there.
We will find you. I'm your host, Kevin Polic Until
next time, Alchemy a football
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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