June 22, 2021 • 59 mins
Babies are able to communicate through poop.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Altomy one a day.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, yes, that's going to
be shorter than what he is considered the average height
for men. But with my lower center of gravity, my
keen sense of smelled not underestivate my ability to run
(00:23):
for cover. But I digress. Let's meet her alchemy? Shall
we no particular order? Please welcome back to these proceedings,
Captain James Mackailvoyheeney. Thanks for having me. Jumbo Jim. Are
you certified to scuba dive? No, I'm not certified to
scuba dive, but I am a strong swimmer. Would you
(00:44):
like to be certified? Are you certified to certify that
it's going to be one of the things that happens
in my pool? Alright, sure, yeah, I'm setting up scuba
diving in a pool. I'm setting up a summer program
to certify people to scuba dive in the pool. Are
you in? I mean that's all I needed now please
say hey do sir Gary Anthony william Surgeon, Gary Anthony Williams,
(01:10):
I just I got a doctorates uh in surgery three
three days ago. Now it's toe surgery though, right, is
it anything? I guess I guess it is because they
said anything below midfoot, So yeah, I guess that's mostly tope,
my liege. While assembling your Kingdom's crest, what's most important
that we engrave in the center? Oh wow? Seriously, and
(01:36):
this is this. I don't hate cats. That is that
a cat over your shoulder? By the way, polot on
the on the couch? What is that? What is that?
Is that? A cat? You know what? I'm not at
liberty to say, okay, um, but just seriously, I don't
(01:57):
hate them. And and if if I leave anything in
this world letting people know that's it. I hate them.
I hate them. No, okay, thank you for that. That's
what will be in the center. Holy crap. Jackie Gonzalez
de Ruthie is here. Yes, uh it girl? Forever tell
(02:17):
us about that time you did that thing to what's
your face? Honestly, it was really really rough. She's one
of my best friends to this day, and I don't
even want to like think about it. It's something that
i've kind of black hole because of how cruel it was.
But you know, we were in fourth grade, so I
(02:39):
wasn't at the capacity and the fact that we could
still move on and be best friends, um is amazing.
But it haunts me to this day for sure. Oh.
I thank you for that. I thank you for your honesty.
I thank you for the potential lawsuit coming. And last
but right in your pie whole, if you think at
(03:01):
least it's Joey Greer, Um, what is the right uh
telephone number? I gave out two different numbers for you,
uh last time, and I just need the correct one. Plates. Well,
what are you trying to call about? That's the question? Yeah, yeah,
well anything, all right. Well, let's be a little more specifically,
(03:23):
a lot of numbers. I've got a lot of lines
because I'm doing a lot of things. People coming for advice, Kevin,
this isn't a funk around phone line. Okay, I'm just
gonna clog it up just because you want to chat,
all right. So you're saying it's not a funk around
phone line, it's not a funk around Well one of
them is. But the what which one? That's my question? Okay,
the the the funk around phone line? What's the number
(03:47):
for that? It's actually a very serious number, something very
near and dear to my heart. It was actually a
number given to me by a close family member who
actually couldn't see numbers. They couldn't use numbers anyway. So
the the number significance of that number is so very important,
so very important. And um, actually the numbers connected together. Uh,
(04:09):
they don't all numbers connect together. No, Tame's not all
numbers connect together. Okay, there's sometimes a dash or a
decimal point, all right, that breaks the numbers up. All right, Okay,
I kissed. I don't feel like we got a number yet,
did we? Well? The number? So just for number, man,
(04:30):
that's all we need. We don't need a story, you
don't need. Why don't you just give the nine right
now on my phone and see if I careful. If
you accidentally do one one later, you're gonna get big trouble.
All of our scene suggestions, either of course, from the
listener emails or from our patron v I p S.
(04:50):
What's that you'd like to become a patron's part of
the show. Fine, we'll get you some exclusive content another perks,
including video of Joey. Uh. If you'd like to submit
a scene suggestion via old time email the patron. By
the way, in case you didn't know, as patron dot
com slash alchemy. This old time email is alchemy. This
email at gmail dot com that's seen one comes from
(05:21):
patron v I P Jake mm hmm Jake, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
thanks so much for taking my last scene suggestion. I
have another parents convinced their pre verbal children are trying
to communicate to them through pooping. I promised this is
(05:45):
not inspired by true events, Thanks Jake. We just have
the twins, so you know they're they're gonna run around
together most time. Ma'am, I can, I can. I can
handle babysitting. This is not new to me, okay, baby,
said everybody in a three mile radios to this block,
even since some children who I just don't think you understand.
(06:07):
We just have the twins. These are our only children,
so really it's important that you you get that, like,
these are precious children. Don't trust me, trust me, you
can leave. Look, I'm not even going to charge you
for this. I'm not going to charge you for your
first sixteen babysitting with me. That's how much trust I
(06:27):
want you to have in me that I don't even know, Like,
are we really looking for a deep discount on a babysitter.
Are we looking for somebody that's expensive. I mean, I've
chard you this before. I want a discounted price on
my steaks and on my babysitting. Okay, it's just our
babies are smarter than other babies. These babies can communicate.
(06:48):
You do realize that I have several degrees in babyology?
Do you really? Yeah? Why don't you too? Just screwed
you in out of the house and let me take
care of your little one. I like where he's coming from.
Let's should we warn him about that? I don't know
about warning him. I mean, if he's into babiology, then
(07:10):
he maybe has seen this before. This discoveries half the fun.
Do we really need to tell them? All? Right? Thank god?
I have a hearing problem where when couples discuss something,
I can't even understand what they're saying. I left you
by the way, a steak on the hood of your
car or your ship out the way you're going to
(07:30):
Dr Carter, I'm finding some really strange results in the
twins that we just saw. I'm not, but I'm getting
some kind of vocal tones from the fecal samples that
we Dr Winston, are you trying to tell me that
you're getting some sort of vocal tones from the fecal
samples that we took earlier. Are you just choosing not
(07:55):
to hear me? I mean, like every time you know
I'm not the best doctor out there. I know that
I don't know, and I just want to confirm that
you just said that you're not the best doctor out there.
So I just want to confirm that. Yeah, I can
say that. Okay, I didn't make it. I didn't place
in the Doctor Olympics. That's okay. So that's another confirmation,
Doctor Winston. Forgive me for interrupting. If you'll step into
(08:18):
the next room. The fecal tones are making some type
of strange tones. The fecal matter is m hmm getting quickly.
This is exactly what I was talking about. These waves
are off the chart. Is there anyway, nurses, there anyway
to mix these vocal tones with maybe any other any
other tones that we have. Can we mix these vocals
with any other We absolutely we have some tones of
(08:42):
some baby sperm whales that we've taken from the oceanology department.
If you will excuse me for just a moment, I'll
go and get those fantastic, Dr Winston. I want to
be frank. This is why you don't have a medal
in the Doctor Olympics. This is exactly why you muddle things.
(09:04):
What we want to do is try to understand the
tones that are coming out of this fecal matter. And
yet now you're trying to make some kind of cacophony
with a bunch of different tone samples from odd things.
Here are the tone samples. Here the tone samples, pud me,
Dr Winson, doctor cutter, and put back the tone samples
(09:25):
from the baby sperm whales. If I could just align
them here crutty cube board, there are And now every
time bear or a cat and mixed win with these
(09:46):
making progress, and every time you just you take it
five steps back. You add something in there that its
my current research. And I am an Olympian doctor mr
and mrs. And it looks like maybe this is one
of your first date nights out. You look a bit
(10:06):
good and married long enough to have you. May I
recommend the Chimmy chury tonight. That does sound good. And wine?
Anyone care for wine? We have it by the glass,
don't started I can wine, but the best of the
(10:27):
chimmy chury make one gassy? Absolutely it does, madam, follow
up question, what doesn't make him gassy? Is this thing?
That thing is on? I'll be right that I'm worried about.
I don't want her to be gassy. I my guest
doesn't smell that bad. This is a wonderful conversation. Let
(10:51):
me go and get your chimmy jury. I'm not sure
that we want the chimmy churry. Wait wait, don't, honey.
I'll bring half the chimny jury, and then I bring
the other half. How about that? Then you can guess. Core,
are you pushing the chimmy cherry? I need you to
push the sauce? Okay, and it's and it can't go
on anything. I just I want to be serving people. Cops, bulls,
(11:15):
troughs of sauce. We made way too much. We don't
have enough for me to put it on. There's a
couple out there. One gets very ghastly. I'm going to
bring them half a bowl of the chimny cherry. C
the other we gotta make it a full ball. We
gotta make it a full ball. Core, we're pushing the
chimmy cherry tonight, just say the full bowl is half.
Just say the full bull is ha. That's genius. Oh
my god, are you serious right now? Kevin? Are you
(11:37):
serious right now? Yeah? Let me put these dishes packs.
Sorry for no please? Oh my god, Oh my god, boss,
I can see when I've been bested. I quit, Kevin,
here's my apron. Disagree with this. I mean, we are
in the dinner rush. But my god, Kevin, my god,
(11:59):
cour thank you for your service. Honey, listen, um I
I don't I don't know how to broach the subject,
So I'll just throw it up. Okay, we'll hold my
hands when you tell me. Okay, okay, have you been moisturizing?
They're just sweaty. Okay. So maybe you saw the writing
(12:22):
on the wall sort of thing as to why I
asked for this date, No, no, I just thought it
was maybe an anniversary. I forgot. Maybe it was your
birthday or my birthday. I have no idea. No, it's
about Joey Jr. Um. I. I don't think he is
(12:44):
going to communicate beyond his current level of communicating. I mean,
that's why would you say that He's not even two
years old and he's able to communicate through his poop.
That's brilliant. That's genius, just baby genius on the level
of ten. All right, here's your half Jimmy suy Ury's
(13:06):
to the rim of the bowl. Yeah, it's half a
cuple Sorry, but man, didn't had to step out for
a moment. I'll be your server for the rest of
the evening. Um, I just know about Oh man, oh
my god, it's delicious. Oh sorry, just tight on me.
(13:30):
I just had this stone out on his clothes. But
I don't know. If you alright, babies, then everybody relaxed.
Little Joey Junior, you relax. You're a junior too. I
need you to relax as well. I'm gonna you from
the book. From the book? Are you making a poophoo
in your pants? Down? What do you mean that? Did
(13:55):
you don't like the color of my shirt? Wait a minute,
your mouth didn't move, and yet I understood everything you would.
I'm going to get even move your diaper right now.
I don't want anybody to be worried. I do have
a doctor in babyology. Welt damn time, man, holy ship,
(14:18):
what the hell is going on here? Man? That baby
Joey Jr. Your poop is sentient? Yeah, it is. That's
how I speak, all right, beyond anything I've ever heard.
But oh baby, Joey Jr. Too does have anything to say?
(14:43):
Better open that diaper? Man, It doesn't let me call
my friends doctor, uh, caught and the other one. Man.
You don't gotta brag that your friends are doctors. You
know what I mean? Come on, doctor? Hello? Yeah, hey,
how you doing? Man? I'm over here babysitting there as
I am wanting to do. Carl, Hey, how you do?
(15:06):
How you doing? Doctor? Yeah, I'm over here babysitting as
I am wanting to do. And just listen to this.
Let me hold the phone down here. Okay, well it
was all about season two. The ark for me really
blew out. Then, you know what I'm saying, because it's
not like one of those things where I'm gonna give
(15:28):
you one. Guess what you were just listening to. I
think I was listening to maybe a ten year old
You know you weren't. You were listening to the poop
of someone who's less than two years old. Carl, Listen,
We've talked about this before. Okay, Pop can't speak. I
know you have your theories. Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna load these two babies up in the car.
(15:50):
The parents did not give me the permission to leave
the house with him. But I'm coming immediately to the
doctor's office because it's something you're gonna want to see.
Carl too late, I'm already driving. Can I save you
some time and suggest that you use your phone? Dr Carter?
Dr Carter, Oh yeah, what's going on? I just want
(16:12):
to let you know that I'm actually leaving me what
you do, I'm letting you know that I'm leaving the office.
I've got to go train the next to Olympian, the
next trials. God, how long does it take you to
get out of your sleep fog. I gotta go now,
so I don't really have time for you to slowly
(16:34):
come to Can you wake up? I have some some
training for the trials. I gotta switch my dismount for
the appendeck to me. My last one was sloppy and
I lost two points, so absolutely ludicrous. Oh my gosh,
good god. What's my name? Yes it is Dr. Okay,
(17:00):
so you're awaken up? Okay, great, so you're awake enough?
Um take care. What's my name? Dr Carter? Carter? Carl
Carl again, if you could just turn around and use
your phones video capability. I'm driving, man, I want to
go to Mickey Dee's. Man, you better pull over. I'm
(17:22):
driving at high speed right now. If you could. This
is something that you have to alright. Okay, I'm less
than a block away from the office. If you would
do me a favorite, just open up the bay doors.
I'm going to drive the car right into them. This
thing got tunes or what. Let me just hit the
(17:42):
bay doors. Don't worry, baby Joey Jr. You you you
will get all the tunes that you need to hear
when we get Don't worry. Man, I'm away from the
place that I call home. I've been stuck in a
car with no a c I don't know when this
guy's gonna bring us our check that Jimmy Surrey's already
(18:03):
stinking this whole place up. Listen. I'm sorry to have
dumped all that on you. Okay. I just felt like
the time was right, and well, this is serious. I
want to get back to the Baby's. I think I
can prove to you. We can teach it to We
can teach Joey Jr. To speak a word. Just but
not Joey Jr. Two. That's not happened. I mean, I
(18:25):
think one at a time. We gotta If we can't
fix one's brain, we can't fix me. Guys, pardon me.
I'm sorry. Hi. My name is Melanie. I'm the district
manager of the restaurant Hoping Jogia Jimmy Tury. Here's a
telephone call for a Mr. Joey something. Mr Joey Scandal.
That's me. There you are, and says your son's calling.
(18:47):
I suppose and there you are my son? Yes, okay,
Uh do you mind putting it on speaker phone? Does
this thing have speaker phone? Yes, it does, of course.
Hold on, let's see star there. Okay, hello, my own speaker.
You're a speaker? Why am my own speaker? Can you
(19:08):
put me on? I mean, I want you to do
this conversation I'm having with your mother, mom, dad. Look fine, look,
look it sounds like you're in a car, and I
mean I'm kind of in the car. Yeah, and uh
you know I'm in a bay. I'm god a loading bay.
That's the best way. What are you doing with my telephone?
(19:29):
What are you doing my phone? Imediately find me? Find
me Melanie. I didn't fire him. I know, I'm not
the district I'm just the manager of this one story.
I didn't fire him. He quit. He saw how good
Kevin was and he just he quit. He gave him
his clothes. He walked out of your butt naked. Nothing
(19:54):
really was my fault. I don't know why I'm coming
under fire. Well, it seems that freaking me if I'm wrong.
I'm looking through a stack of paperwork. And he was
found but naked, wondering down the street, saying, that's out,
that's outside of the restaurant. Of course it is, of
course it is. But he still was wearing all the
flair from it. He had his more chimmy cheery, but
(20:16):
have the buttons on the skin. And that was really
what was concerning. So I think it's good that he left,
you know, like that's that's a volatile person. Also, can
I just say how I know it? I am that
like I'm really amped up, and like you're so calm
about this, Like the calmness is killing me. You have
in this day and age, in this environment. And by
(20:38):
the way I do say environment, I hit the end.
I really hit it every time, damn not that's great
if you're if you're if this is what they call
pof poking it fun. I'm not fun. This was doing supportive.
It was me being supportive. It's coming off that way
just because I'm like, I'm amped. I'm just like I'm
(20:59):
I thought that I was getting a trouble. I need
to come down. I need to come down to your level.
Sorry that said, um Corporate Headquarters has a lot more
chimmytury than we realized we had, and we're going to
bring it all over to your store even more. To
move you have to move it. The Chimmy Hurry has
to be moved. You have to move the Jimmy I'm sorry,
ID a hot dog and now you can give me
(21:20):
cherey churry. Okay, that's seen one. They have so much.
When you order anything, you get Jimmy jury seem to
comes from our pal. Kristen Kelly, who wrote what if
podcasting technology had always been around? Never mind? How what
(21:45):
kind of topics would be discussed during the Bronze Age?
What sort of ads would be read by the host
during the Renaissance? What kind of listeners would call in?
Would call in during the Victorian era? Please do a
montage of podcasting throughout history, beginning in the Stone Age
and concluding in the distant spacefaring future. You're you're too
(22:10):
close to your mike. I think you. Yeah, if you
just clug, if you could just back away a little
bit buck away away about her? No much better, great forehead.
By the way, we're very very pleased at the front office. Okay,
I'm gonna count you down and then you just jump
right in. Three tow Hi, welcome back to this rocks. Today,
(22:35):
we have a couple of people coming in to sit
by the microphone to talk about the new rocks that
they found in the area. This first one is Gregg. Gregg,
tell me about new rocks you found club. I found itgnacious, ignacious,
ignacious clug. What do you do with ignacious rock clug?
(22:59):
I may simple tool. I fashioned bearings for a wheels
of wheel. What what? What? What? I'm sorry, but clud's
gotta go. Alright, Well, he's he's suing the audience. He's
(23:24):
the audience, every money on every cave wall that he
loves making love to sheep. All right, we can't have that,
can you have? Sorry? We can't have it. It's bad
for our advertisers. All right, okay, guys, I'm sorry for
the meeting for biggest advertisers, for the meeting. We just
got the numbers and clubs show is literally through the cave.
(23:45):
Thank you, thank you. They're loving his they're loving his
mono syllabic kind of speak. He is. And by the way,
have you seen his forehead lately? And this is serious
from you is signaling ships at sea? It's fent test. Anyways,
I just wanted to report that. Oh, has anyone to
say my spear? Oh? Anyone saying? Was it on the wall? Yes? Okay,
(24:12):
that's a communal wall. So I'm sorry. I didn't realize
that I just leaned it against that. I'm just no, no, no,
I don't know took it. I'm not saying I took it. Yeah,
but I just realized that I put it in the
wrong place. It was not even about I'm not saying
I took it. Yeah. I came in here all the accusatory.
You know what they said about people who accused. It
makes an act out of use. Right, Okay, I gotta
go behind once the numbers are good, what are you
(24:34):
gonna do? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're
gonna give him a raids. That's what we're gonna do.
Got to give them. We gotta give him more sand,
so be it. Yeah, we're gonna have to find all
the same we can get. We're gonna have to give
it them. I think we got to give him more
than the best sand we have to offer. I think
we gotta give them shoes. And go with me on this.
You put things on the feet so you're not walking.
(24:55):
There's this thing between the sand and your feet. It's
the latest. I don't need this crazy ship that you
keep on pitching people. Okay, I don't. I know it's
space age. But they're called shoes, and I think they're
gonna catch on. Do you think I guarantee you the
callouses on our feet are gonna carry us. Try these
on till the end of time? Try these on? Oh,
(25:15):
this is just prototype what the heck is? Walk around
the cave? All right? So this is just talk to
lizard bladder. That's what my foot is in right now,
so specific yes, all right, does hug the ankle? Right? Okay? Yeah,
cloth doesn't want to advertise shoes. I don't like shoes.
(25:36):
I was sand. We got you sand that's in the deal.
I don't want you want me to tell my listener
to wear shoes. These are doub Look at the dumb
you look. Come on, look the bladders really do work. Okay,
they have great grip and they make a funny noise
every time you step. All right, who doesn't like that?
(25:56):
I don't like that. I get look at bottom of
my super super callouses. You but this is just like
you know, maybe for the higher ends. Just try him on,
Come on, just try him on. I don't like him.
I don't like him. Oh my god, he's gonna kill me.
(26:16):
Where's my spear? Kill me? Oh no, no, don't, don't
drink it on the wall. Cluu cluck, cluck, cluck. Look
at me, Look at me. Food food food food you food. Good,
he's food. Yeah, he's food. That's fine. Now Here at
the Podcast Museum, we have archived every single audio file
(26:39):
from the beginning of time, all the way to current,
even a little further past that. You can believe it,
that's how far podcast technology has gone. What's your favorite
in the past? Excuse me, sir, uh huh, excuse me, sir,
excuse I had my hand raised Sarah I raised my
hand to tell you that her mine has are actually
(27:00):
waiting here mine husband, I've been holding mine up, and
he just said excuse me while he shot his up.
So okay, you too, Look YouTube been doing this entire tour,
all right. You two have been doing this the entire tour. Now,
it's obviously you came together. I don't know why you
keep fighting with each other, but they're they're my children,
so please be nice these your twins. Yeah, okay, I'd
(27:24):
love to hear about the old WESH podcast. Do you
have anything there in the museum with Osh PoCA? Actually
I do, and I'm going to refuse to even hear
where your two questions were, all right, I want that
to be clear. Come on, Victoria, Victoria, I'm going to
(27:44):
talk to you about my personal trials and tribulations about
being a Cooman. My father has me betruthed to lend
that I love. Where is it from from? When? Suffolka,
he's from the fields of Chesterton. I can't stand the fields.
(28:07):
He's from the Chester fear dig Here's the thing, Alana,
I happen to be in love. I happen to be
in love with the pale milk boy down the road.
He touches me on the arm and it feels like
he's touching me all over. Why didn't you simply let
(28:31):
him touch you all over? What's the harm there? I
have so many layers on, how could he even get there? Yeah, pantaloons.
Then that one skirt that has that stiff on top.
It'd be best if I knew the names. Then the
(28:52):
one other the top skirt that also has the bustle.
I assure you, miss, you didn't need to know the
names of each of your garment. This is what all
the edge in the New Cities are wearing. I think
you'll be quite pleased if there anything that has less layers.
I'm interested in being. How do I say available to touch?
(29:18):
Say no more? Say no more. I believe we've got
just the thing. Let me put the model out in
the right outfit and come out and show you. Hold
on one second. Thank you so much? Right, Reggie, Reggie,
I need you to dress in the outfit with the
hole in the back. Can you do that? Alright? Day? Game?
(29:38):
This time you're gonna need to pay me, all right,
I absolutely pay your mate a hundred quid? Sound good, Am?
I like as quid. That's my final lover, or I
could yeah, the one with the nice big hole in
the back. How are you saying it all in the bag?
(29:59):
I very good, very well. The model will be out
in just a moment. Would you get some more tea,
a spot of tea? Perhaps I could absolutely do it.
And let me be clear in terms of payment. I've
just brought in two meat pies. What have addressed to
(30:20):
meat pies? Play pays for? Let me make sure we've
got just the thing for you. Be right back, ms Reggie.
My leg forget it might may forget. It's a fild
Just come out and you blown as noe, cays my
legs on fistering out. I do actually because I want
(30:41):
to chase this one away. Come on, come on, come
on here. We are missed the latest from the horse.
Lots of wows so pussy it's it looks like blood,
but it's yellow slight dog leg left that this mate.
I actually have quite an interest in the new fangled thing.
(31:04):
Maybe medicine can take a look. I don't believe in that.
I believe if I pray enough, the good low boyum
are like I believe, if perhaps I put on some
kind of tourniquet. Maybe I could stop blood flow, but
would that help the pass? Maybe not? You see, I
(31:28):
don't know much. Pardon me, good sale. You're the fair
milkman with a fair skin. I think that that sounds
like in describing me. But a friend of mine has
shown her interest in you. Yes, but I like to
spit to you personally first. All right, all right, my
(31:53):
friend has something of um a problem. You see. Well,
I mean, I can you walk with me while I
deliver this milk? Of course I can, because it's milk
or spoiler if I just stand here? Okay, So the problem?
Perhaps I should walk closer to you in case I stumble.
I have very delicate ankles. But you've got a team.
(32:14):
She could got some saures on your face. Maybe I
get too close. They're not so much sores as they
are my soul exposing. It's up to you, all right,
all right, so go ahead. What's what's the what's the
way you that's your friend has? My friend who doesn't
know much about love? It told me to tell you
(32:36):
that if she comes over, whatever you do, don't touch her.
I mean, typically I don't. I'm just a milkman. I
don't touch anybody all on one second. Let me knock
on the door. It's amazing. It's Jesus. She's got a plague.
She's not with me. She hasn't put a mouth in
(33:01):
the milk. Don't worry about what you're played milk, but
this you're gonna play me pull up milk, dam it?
All right, you gotta scram Who who is it that
you don't want me to touch? All right, professor click black.
We're ready to begin the podcast. Now. Your guest today,
(33:27):
by the way, is author of the best selling screen
production and he'll tell you all about it. His name
is Rimon. I'm going to count you down. Mm hmmm
mm hmm um. Okay, so over, we're going to be
(33:53):
talking to an author these days, and this author will
be uh, it's I think it's Mr rym jab By.
It was a m job. The name is Okay. So
you've got a new book that you'd like to I
guess we're going to advertise it here on the cast.
(34:17):
That's exactly what. I have a new book, all right,
and I'm sorry, and he's my papers are all rustled up.
I don't quite what is it about. Now. In the
future podcast section, you can see. I have a question
about that last one. What's a one job? I'm not
(34:39):
gonna sir, can you can you him? I'm not gonna
answer that to your job. I honestly, they've got me
stumped too. They've got me stumped too. I don't know
what I have a I have a question. Did Jesse
James do podcast? Or didn't he? That's all I need
to know, sir. The Western podcast section is under renovation.
I've told you that before. Okay, you're gonna come back
(35:01):
another time, so you're gonna insist on answering these kids questions.
I'm not going to I've told me before. I'm gonna
hear the question. I'm gonna allow. What's the job? The Dave?
The Western thing, the Western section, huh that they're gonna
open it up a little bit later today today, today,
(35:23):
the Western section? What am I the only one who
understands me? You working? Wal walk walk walk walk walk,
Welcome back to the old West with you start, Dave
(35:47):
castle Fell, Thanks very much, glad well, folks, welcome back.
We're gonna sit around the campfire again and hear stories
of the trail. That's the wolf howl that tells us
my guest is here, so let's bring him in. This
(36:07):
is Sheriff Thompson. Sheriff Thompson, thank you for joining us today. Yeah.
Oh that's my my friend you got here. I just
couldn't help. But notice you call it Old West and
it's just as the West to me. I'm not I'll
stay out of this. So your friend here's coming in?
(36:29):
Uh like? Yeah? Is this one of your misfits that
you wrestled up? Oh? Is this is U? S Marshal
Henry Saddleger. Pardon me, Marshall. Welcome to these here proceedings.
(36:49):
Now we're gonna start things off a little differently here
this evening with a dance number if you don't mind, Marshall,
I'm sorry for interrupting. Is us Marshall sellinger here? That's me.
There's a Skelly wag outside who says he's got a
bullet with your name on it. Oh, this is getting exciting, folks.
(37:11):
We don't tell him you found me. I've already told
him you're in here in the podcast booth. I'm sorry,
I didn't realize it the wrong thing. You know. What
we're seeing their, folks, is the marshals and everybody put
your hands up, Marshall, you're coming with me and everyone else.
Put all your gold into bloons and whatever else inside
(37:34):
of this here, Satchel, you want both our gold and
I want your bully on giving me the loot. And Marshall,
don't you forget you're coming with mat time for our sponsors.
Hold on a sect there, Marshall, if you would please
(37:55):
and outlaw Feller. Today we're sponsoring Getting Around. Were already
sure we can't do the dance on the podcast first?
That might be Billy the kid. He said he wasn't
getting around. Let's wait and find it out. Today's show
was brought to you by Catch Them's Hey made catch
(38:16):
room mate. If you want your horse to eat the
best possible, Hey, you want catching him alive? Bully, but
the Blues put it on this satual those ad reads.
I want that too. That's pirate treasure to me. You
(38:41):
better give it to me, good you better give it
to me. Good night. Can someone come help me drag
this dead man's body? You can keep going with that podcast?
I don't mind. Yeah, folks, I don't know if you're
catching up on this. Marshall took one, but he may
or may not. Let's see if my next guest is Rick,
(39:04):
I'm ready. It's everybody's chummed from down to the saloon.
Jimmy Tink king man if damon think a kingle man. Hey,
you gotta come on in the saloon lately. Oh he
got the reoting. It's tooting. Its funniest time you've ever
seen chasing the girls around the piano. I ain't chasing
(39:30):
them so much is that they're chasing me. But I
didn't happen to be behind them. Say we got Fastperril
on the tap, he got a right good little maker mouth.
This week on our West podcast, I actually brought in
(39:54):
two special guests. These girls work at the saloon with me,
and we're here to talk about what's going on in
this saloon that we're not happy about. Now we've got
a saloon manager who's chasing us to saying, we chase
who's chasing us around, pinching, trying to pinch through our
skirts and it's not okay. I don't want that. Mm hmmm.
(40:17):
I mean, I'm gonna be honest. I did I shot him?
Oh you did? Yeah? I shot him earlier? I did.
I shot him in the chest. You know Western justice
and whatnot. Oh my gosh, I feel so much. The
Sheriff's gone, and apparently there's the U. S. Marshals. Everyone's
looking for his body or something that's that everyone's saying.
So there's just no law in town. And I just thought, well,
(40:38):
take law on to my own. I love that. I
love a woman who's standing up for herself, bringing justice
and taking control of her life. I mean, I don't
like the curse, but if that, absolutely, if that, I'm
not gonna stand for it anymore. I'm gonna shoot him
in the chest. Can I say so? To all of
(41:01):
the gentlemen who come in and call us pretty lady,
I have a name. I have a name. It is Juniper, Lady,
it is lady. I mean, your middle name is lady,
Juniper Jane, Lady, Juniper Jane, lady. But you want to
call me pretty Juniper Jane lady. That's great. Junifer Jane.
Could you step into my office please, of course, as
(41:23):
the only lady doctor here in town, I do have
a question for you. Your middle name is lady, but
on your paperwork for your medical stuff you have Juniper
Jane lady, but your middle name is lady. You wanna
you want to explain? You want to explain as a
lady doctor talking to another lady with a pinch proof
(41:43):
skirt on, do you want to explain to me? How
have the hell? Lady is your middle name? Well, sure, Jennifer,
Jane is half a NATed. That's my first name. Lady
is my middle name. And I would know my last
name if I knew my daddy. But I don't. Were
you gonna write me a prescribe for that birth control
or do I have to? Yes? But other than that,
(42:04):
I just realized I didn't know your full story. I
have a new podcast coming home, call My West, and
I would love for you to be my second and
or third guest. That's interesting because my podcast is called
Our West. I have a bit of an issue with
your titling. Put them up junior for Jane Lady, this
(42:24):
town is literally only Well, those are the only two
podcasts I could say from from the West. I don't
know what's going on, but there's some kind of like
internal issue with the server or something. But I mean,
we're gonna scrub, We're gonna question, and I have a question,
what's birth control? What? Oh? That has seen too? Finally,
one of the kids actually coughed out their question. Seen
(42:50):
three from patron v I P. Ben Booth, who wrote, Hi, alchemist,
I have a legit question. How is the show funnier
than Friends? Yet the cast isn't making millions per episode? You?
Ben Booth hit it on the head. Yeah, it's Ripley's
I don't know what to tell you here, as I
(43:11):
seen suggesting that I hope isn't too dirty. Is that possible, Joey,
We'll hear it and we'll see. Okay. A normally meek,
reserved person decides to get sexually adventurous and the use
of a butt plug, uh, only to discover at an
(43:31):
an opportune time that it's actually a Bluetooth speaker. Lots
of love, Ben Booth, I'm happy to help the next
in line. Who's the next in line? Here? Sorry? Um,
I have a problem with the product I purchased at
(43:52):
your store on the Priday. Yeah, is there someone behind you? Actually?
If we could come, holy in your back pocket? It's
the butt plug I bought from here on Friday, tod
I'm sorry interrupted? Are you Is there a radio on
(44:15):
or something? I'm trying to get to the bottom of
that myself right now. Actually, I'm trying to play coming on, well,
I take a ship and you know what this is.
This is a private area when I'm dealing with the
register and talking to this man behind the registred like
privacy for my purchases. This is a call from the
Social Security Administration. There has been a problem with your
social Security number. Please call us back at your early
(44:37):
as convenience. Did you to take a call? Friend? Uh,
it's not a good time for that. Actually, you're saying
all of this sound is coming from a butt plug
that you bought from us. Yeah, I bought a butt
plug on Friday. If you could just keep your voice down,
that's my neighbor. He's Oh, no, you meant you bought
the look up the little horsetail on it, right, No,
(45:00):
I didn't see that a horse tail. The horse tail
I missed. Maybe I didn't put maybe you know what, honestly,
I might be thinking of somebody else. I got it,
I got it. I gotta Oh my god, maybe that
horse tails. Oh I think I put the wrong thing
in there. Yeah. Yeah, Do you want to go into
(45:23):
one of the room the private yes, yes, please please
help me. Did I need to escort someone to the
private room. Yes, please, thank you, Tim, just step right
over this way please, I think are you going to
be able to help me. Yes, I'm gonna be able
to let me. Just thank you. Sip in close the curtain.
I'll be here. This just to that's just unsnapped the belt. There,
are you? Okay? All right? I don't know how this
(45:46):
is gonna. I can't believed the squad and call okay,
is it okay? If I sit, I don't I need
to lay down on the couch for today's session. I
feel I'm feeling pretty good or not good. But um,
(46:11):
so I took your advice and I did put myself
out there. Um dating wise, Um, I actually went on
three dates since three I was last year. Yeah that's
a quick start. Um okay, Oh, well we had talked
(46:34):
about me putting myself out there. I hadn't gone on
any dates in two years. Yeah, okay, so I went.
I went on three. Um, two of them were just fine,
one of them one of them. One of them was longer,
you know, like, Um, over what period of time did
these three days occur? Well, I saw you two weeks ago,
(46:55):
so within in the last two weeks they weren't considered. Okay,
a chim chury for you, miss and chy for you, sir,
I actually ordered the salmon. I'm sorry. Let me let
me just correct for her just one second. I think
she meant the salmon short of the salmon. Go ahead, darling. Yeah,
(47:18):
so this guy, like, first of all, he's calling me
darling on the first date, and that's just driving me
fucking insane. Okay, thank you, because I wasn't sure, like,
is this me am I being judgment Are my walls up? Okay? Definitely?
Oh it is okay because it actually really drove me crazy.
But I guess that's my problem. No, no, it's not
(47:40):
your well, and then he kept he kept correct he
kept correcting the it's who I am, and what would
you say, like judgmental or like what how do I
be less judgmental? Like I don't know how to pinpoint
who I am in that way because I want to
fix that right, because like I has missed him really quickly.
(48:01):
Sure you did well. Whoever of these dates have agreed
to go on a date with you deserves the benefit
of the doubt for the first date. I'm not I'm
not holding anyone hostage. On these dates. They in fact
(48:22):
usked me out on these dates. A right, they they're
beautiful and then you pass judgment on him. You Hi,
I'm sorry, I can't help. But notice I saw you
crossing the street the other day and this is a
wonderful Chimmy Chewerry place right across. Oh I like that
(48:42):
on like steaks or fish. Yeah, I like chimmy cherry
sauce on on top of different meats for sure. How
about I pick you up tonight at my place? That's
very forward. Um, listen, if you wanted to get a meal,
I'm I'm actually trying to put myself more out there.
(49:03):
I would like I would like to get a meal
with you. Um, I actually worked down the street. Why
don't we just meet on this corner again? This that
feels like more comfortable for me? Exactly what time would
you like to meet? Um? Seven? Let it eight? So
weird that you would ask me? Yeah? Well, uh, successful
(49:25):
removal right, looks good. We we don't do return on these,
but I I honestly I U this is broken. It's yeah,
you broke it. Yeah, but it's within sixty days. I
don't know what a radio want me to that you broke.
(49:50):
All right, it's got bluetooth capability and you destroyed the internals.
So I mean, I don't know. I don't see a
horsetail on it. Honestly, I know the to my wa
ain't gonna return it had all right? Well, I I
just feel like I don't know. That's not how customer
service works. Like I bought a product here less than
(50:11):
two weeks ago. I used it on one date. I
have no idea how I this broke. Hey, I Jasmine, Uh,
pick up the phone, brother, I just I just woke
up and I found a horsetail in the un a
horsetail and not in my Just pick up the phone.
Come on, what's going on? Hey? Yeah? Hey, what's up? Hey?
(50:36):
Are you still you? Are you still sleepy? No? I'm
talking about I'm not dealing with this. Sorry. So the
second date that that I went on, that one was
that one was even That one was like really short.
I can't I don't even know if I would call
(50:57):
it a date, to be honest. It was more that
I was like, add a hot dog stand, ordering my
own hot dog. The guy behind me offered to pay
for it, and I said, yes, sure. I leaned him
for a kiss. You said yes, and then leaned in
for a kiss. I said, yes, well, yeah, I'm really
(51:19):
trying hot Who got the hot tech? Yeah? Um, well yeah,
do you take that dog? You do? I'm going to
take the hot dog thing? Is this one for me? Yes? Yes, dogs?
It's a hot dogs everybody. Okay, I gotta make some heat. Okay, okay, okay.
(51:42):
Did you favor theg Yeah, I think that's my hot dog.
That dog. Yeah, he's saying for my hot dog. I
bought that hot dog from hot Dogs for she just
killed What then is going on here? It was a
bit of a hard shove, So it doesn't sound necessary
(52:05):
like he was into you as much as he was
the hot dog. And that's the problem, you know, he
just wasn't that into me. As the book, what of
his actions indicated to you? It was time to kiss.
Well to me. When a man pays for your meal,
that's a date. And at the end of the date,
(52:26):
you right, of course. Of course, of course, the question
is did you read anything into the fact that the
item was a wiener? God? No, I didn't see. This
is why it's so great that I come to you,
because you can really look at things zoomed out, and
I'm so zoom objectively. Objectively objectively that's the word, right,
(52:50):
That's why I'm here, Jesus, Danny, I can't fix this.
What the hell you want me to do with this? Man?
We'll put it back together. What's the big I'm not
gonna put it back together? Looks don't help him any
You gotta take this butt plug back, throw it away,
or do something with it. I can't. I can't fix it.
I'm gonna put it back together. I'm not putting it
back together. Danny, stop playing with the stuff. Will you
(53:10):
come over here and listen to me. I'm not fixing
this butt plug, man, I just I just wanted to
make sure. Who are you talking to you? Danny? So
I can't here? It was expensive, don't Danny put down
the put back together? Just put it back and just
put it back together, can't you hear? I mean? There's
(53:32):
I'm not I'm not the crazy one here. I bought
an expensive Bluetooth capable butt plug that I used on
one day with a wonderful woman. I know you told
me the story. Man. I don't know why it's broken.
I don't know how it's broken. I just know, I'm
not gonna fix it. That's not what I'm supposed to have.
A horse tail in the end. Do you see any
horse tail on it? I see, I see like a
(53:53):
hook that should be Like you can attach something clearly
was not made. Well, just give me a new one.
If you can't exit. I don't expect you to be
a miracle worker. Just give me another one of those
on the wall. I just I'm not gonna do. These
are six hundred dollars. I'm gonna a three danny. He
came to the right place. Let me see the product. Okay,
(54:15):
Well it's in. It wasn't I didn't break it this bad.
It was in fewer pieces earlier. But now that the
here it is. He's like death, right, nobody's really dead.
The molecules are just spread apart or whatever the fun.
But let me just see the thing. Okay, okay, all
right again, I didn't do all that. Damn tried to
fix it, took it apart. Look at it. Look at man.
(54:36):
I'm standing here with a half sherry on and and
and and then then I'm not here to judge people.
Oh I'm here to fixed products. You bring a broken
bug plug in here? I fixed a broken blood plug.
I don't I don't ask questions. I don't ask where,
I don't ask what a horsetail is. I don't ask
how you broke about. I don't know what happened to
(54:58):
the horsetail. And no, no, see that just the whole thing.
I didn't ask. I wouldn't be able to tell you
was the thing. And then there was Lionel and it
was a good date. And what I liked about him
was he came as himself, you know, like we were
(55:19):
going to Houston Steakhouse and he came in a crop
top and little dolphin shorts, and I just thought, this
guy knows who he is and he likes who he is.
Was this the one in the butt plug? What is
this the one with the blug? Well, yeah, he did
have a butt plug with him. Um, he didn't ask
(55:42):
me to participate. He just kind of was fiddling with
it all night. So you're taking that from me. I
mean I was hoping you'd fix it. No, no, no, look,
trust me, give me a week. You get this thing
back in better shape than it ever been. You go Auer, Alright,
it's just said it's six luck. That's our show for today.
(56:06):
Oh my, oh my. Everything was just normal until we
put a price on it. Everything was just so straight
and narrow. I want to thank all of our alchemists
for joining us on this particular outing, starting with Mr
James Heeney. James still coming to us from the state
of Illinois. I will be back in l A on Monday.
(56:32):
I will be back in town. Were excited as hell
to have you back right in time for the West
Side Comedy Theater opening its doors and a slow fashion
next week. I think. So that's exciting as hell. We
can all grill gorbos and gang on when we can
get in there and do a live shop. But thank
you James very much for joining any uh anything you
(56:54):
would like to plug. No, it's broken right now, Okay, okay, no,
or he's just asking Gary Anthony Williams, thank you very
very very much part of it, my friend. Oh yes, please,
where should folks be looking to find your wares? Uh?
If you got any little kids. Have a couple of
voices in the new movie Spirit unto it's about a horse,
(57:18):
it's about sure it is that's exciting yourself. I saw
the trailer. Looks great. Yeah. Uh. And other than that,
you know, I'm just out man. I'm out in these streets, bro,
I ain't gonna lie to I'm out here doing ship man,
which is where I'll find you. Yeah, thank you very much,
Jackie in the house next door to me is for sale. Okay,
let's put it out did you want to just putting
(57:41):
it out there? Yes, thank you, all right, we'll list
that under Joey's phone number. At the end of the show,
Jackie Gonzalez Douthy, thank you so very damn much. Thank
you for having getting a giant airbit as it turns out. Yes,
all are welcome. All are welcome. We do least four.
It's a party of four. Thank you again, and thank
(58:04):
you and thank you Gary for buying me a house.
I can't wait to be your neighborhood and to be
your neighborhood, not your I'm at Jackie Truthee on the
Socials and honestly, that's where you can find me right now.
And sometimes you can find me in commercial breaks during
basketball games, which is pretty fun. But right, that's right,
(58:26):
you can find me on the Socials at Jackie Dirthy.
What's that product? I need to watch these commercials? It
is like a god sent commercial from last year. That's
like still rolling during the basketball games. God blessed, it's Exfinity. No, yeah,
it's Exfinity. And I scream into a pillow. That's like
the most Like, Oh, so, if you want to see
(58:48):
Jackie screaming too a pillow, watch the NBA playoffs, I
think is what we're learning. The playoffsky fantastic and enjoy.
If you want to see you screaming to a pillow,
go to my house Patreon. That right when I wake
up or right before I go to sleep, and that's
that's my meditation practice. Sure, thank you so very much
(59:08):
for being here, Joey. Let's thank you. Engine into the stars.
Mr Doug Bain find folks that I heart media. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollack thanking you all very damn much
for joining us and writing reviews and telling everyone you've
ever met please behind you each other. It's the right
thing to do. Until next time, Gay
Welcome back to another episode of Altomy one a day.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, yes, that's going to
be shorter than what he is considered the average height
for men. But with my lower center of gravity, my
keen sense of smelled not underestivate my ability to run
(00:23):
for cover. But I digress. Let's meet her alchemy? Shall
we no particular order? Please welcome back to these proceedings,
Captain James Mackailvoyheeney. Thanks for having me. Jumbo Jim. Are
you certified to scuba dive? No, I'm not certified to
scuba dive, but I am a strong swimmer. Would you
(00:44):
like to be certified? Are you certified to certify that
it's going to be one of the things that happens
in my pool? Alright, sure, yeah, I'm setting up scuba
diving in a pool. I'm setting up a summer program
to certify people to scuba dive in the pool. Are
you in? I mean that's all I needed now please
say hey do sir Gary Anthony william Surgeon, Gary Anthony Williams,
(01:10):
I just I got a doctorates uh in surgery three
three days ago. Now it's toe surgery though, right, is
it anything? I guess I guess it is because they
said anything below midfoot, So yeah, I guess that's mostly tope,
my liege. While assembling your Kingdom's crest, what's most important
that we engrave in the center? Oh wow? Seriously, and
(01:36):
this is this. I don't hate cats. That is that
a cat over your shoulder? By the way, polot on
the on the couch? What is that? What is that?
Is that? A cat? You know what? I'm not at
liberty to say, okay, um, but just seriously, I don't
(01:57):
hate them. And and if if I leave anything in
this world letting people know that's it. I hate them.
I hate them. No, okay, thank you for that. That's
what will be in the center. Holy crap. Jackie Gonzalez
de Ruthie is here. Yes, uh it girl? Forever tell
(02:17):
us about that time you did that thing to what's
your face? Honestly, it was really really rough. She's one
of my best friends to this day, and I don't
even want to like think about it. It's something that
i've kind of black hole because of how cruel it was.
But you know, we were in fourth grade, so I
(02:39):
wasn't at the capacity and the fact that we could
still move on and be best friends, um is amazing.
But it haunts me to this day for sure. Oh.
I thank you for that. I thank you for your honesty.
I thank you for the potential lawsuit coming. And last
but right in your pie whole, if you think at
(03:01):
least it's Joey Greer, Um, what is the right uh
telephone number? I gave out two different numbers for you,
uh last time, and I just need the correct one. Plates. Well,
what are you trying to call about? That's the question? Yeah, yeah,
well anything, all right. Well, let's be a little more specifically,
(03:23):
a lot of numbers. I've got a lot of lines
because I'm doing a lot of things. People coming for advice, Kevin,
this isn't a funk around phone line. Okay, I'm just
gonna clog it up just because you want to chat,
all right. So you're saying it's not a funk around
phone line, it's not a funk around Well one of
them is. But the what which one? That's my question? Okay,
the the the funk around phone line? What's the number
(03:47):
for that? It's actually a very serious number, something very
near and dear to my heart. It was actually a
number given to me by a close family member who
actually couldn't see numbers. They couldn't use numbers anyway. So
the the number significance of that number is so very important,
so very important. And um, actually the numbers connected together. Uh,
(04:09):
they don't all numbers connect together. No, Tame's not all
numbers connect together. Okay, there's sometimes a dash or a
decimal point, all right, that breaks the numbers up. All right, Okay,
I kissed. I don't feel like we got a number yet,
did we? Well? The number? So just for number, man,
(04:30):
that's all we need. We don't need a story, you
don't need. Why don't you just give the nine right
now on my phone and see if I careful. If
you accidentally do one one later, you're gonna get big trouble.
All of our scene suggestions, either of course, from the
listener emails or from our patron v I p S.
(04:50):
What's that you'd like to become a patron's part of
the show. Fine, we'll get you some exclusive content another perks,
including video of Joey. Uh. If you'd like to submit
a scene suggestion via old time email the patron. By
the way, in case you didn't know, as patron dot
com slash alchemy. This old time email is alchemy. This
email at gmail dot com that's seen one comes from
(05:21):
patron v I P Jake mm hmm Jake, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
thanks so much for taking my last scene suggestion. I
have another parents convinced their pre verbal children are trying
to communicate to them through pooping. I promised this is
(05:45):
not inspired by true events, Thanks Jake. We just have
the twins, so you know they're they're gonna run around
together most time. Ma'am, I can, I can. I can
handle babysitting. This is not new to me, okay, baby,
said everybody in a three mile radios to this block,
even since some children who I just don't think you understand.
(06:07):
We just have the twins. These are our only children,
so really it's important that you you get that, like,
these are precious children. Don't trust me, trust me, you
can leave. Look, I'm not even going to charge you
for this. I'm not going to charge you for your
first sixteen babysitting with me. That's how much trust I
(06:27):
want you to have in me that I don't even know, Like,
are we really looking for a deep discount on a babysitter.
Are we looking for somebody that's expensive. I mean, I've
chard you this before. I want a discounted price on
my steaks and on my babysitting. Okay, it's just our
babies are smarter than other babies. These babies can communicate.
(06:48):
You do realize that I have several degrees in babyology?
Do you really? Yeah? Why don't you too? Just screwed
you in out of the house and let me take
care of your little one. I like where he's coming from.
Let's should we warn him about that? I don't know
about warning him. I mean, if he's into babiology, then
(07:10):
he maybe has seen this before. This discoveries half the fun.
Do we really need to tell them? All? Right? Thank god?
I have a hearing problem where when couples discuss something,
I can't even understand what they're saying. I left you
by the way, a steak on the hood of your
car or your ship out the way you're going to
(07:30):
Dr Carter, I'm finding some really strange results in the
twins that we just saw. I'm not, but I'm getting
some kind of vocal tones from the fecal samples that
we Dr Winston, are you trying to tell me that
you're getting some sort of vocal tones from the fecal
samples that we took earlier. Are you just choosing not
(07:55):
to hear me? I mean, like every time you know
I'm not the best doctor out there. I know that
I don't know, and I just want to confirm that
you just said that you're not the best doctor out there.
So I just want to confirm that. Yeah, I can
say that. Okay, I didn't make it. I didn't place
in the Doctor Olympics. That's okay. So that's another confirmation,
Doctor Winston. Forgive me for interrupting. If you'll step into
(08:18):
the next room. The fecal tones are making some type
of strange tones. The fecal matter is m hmm getting quickly.
This is exactly what I was talking about. These waves
are off the chart. Is there anyway, nurses, there anyway
to mix these vocal tones with maybe any other any
other tones that we have. Can we mix these vocals
with any other We absolutely we have some tones of
(08:42):
some baby sperm whales that we've taken from the oceanology department.
If you will excuse me for just a moment, I'll
go and get those fantastic, Dr Winston. I want to
be frank. This is why you don't have a medal
in the Doctor Olympics. This is exactly why you muddle things.
(09:04):
What we want to do is try to understand the
tones that are coming out of this fecal matter. And
yet now you're trying to make some kind of cacophony
with a bunch of different tone samples from odd things.
Here are the tone samples. Here the tone samples, pud me,
Dr Winson, doctor cutter, and put back the tone samples
(09:25):
from the baby sperm whales. If I could just align
them here crutty cube board, there are And now every
time bear or a cat and mixed win with these
(09:46):
making progress, and every time you just you take it
five steps back. You add something in there that its
my current research. And I am an Olympian doctor mr
and mrs. And it looks like maybe this is one
of your first date nights out. You look a bit
(10:06):
good and married long enough to have you. May I
recommend the Chimmy chury tonight. That does sound good. And wine?
Anyone care for wine? We have it by the glass,
don't started I can wine, but the best of the
(10:27):
chimmy chury make one gassy? Absolutely it does, madam, follow
up question, what doesn't make him gassy? Is this thing?
That thing is on? I'll be right that I'm worried about.
I don't want her to be gassy. I my guest
doesn't smell that bad. This is a wonderful conversation. Let
(10:51):
me go and get your chimmy jury. I'm not sure
that we want the chimmy churry. Wait wait, don't, honey.
I'll bring half the chimny jury, and then I bring
the other half. How about that? Then you can guess. Core,
are you pushing the chimmy cherry? I need you to
push the sauce? Okay, and it's and it can't go
on anything. I just I want to be serving people. Cops, bulls,
(11:15):
troughs of sauce. We made way too much. We don't
have enough for me to put it on. There's a
couple out there. One gets very ghastly. I'm going to
bring them half a bowl of the chimny cherry. C
the other we gotta make it a full ball. We
gotta make it a full ball. Core, we're pushing the
chimmy cherry tonight, just say the full bowl is half.
Just say the full bull is ha. That's genius. Oh
my god, are you serious right now? Kevin? Are you
(11:37):
serious right now? Yeah? Let me put these dishes packs.
Sorry for no please? Oh my god, Oh my god, boss,
I can see when I've been bested. I quit, Kevin,
here's my apron. Disagree with this. I mean, we are
in the dinner rush. But my god, Kevin, my god,
(11:59):
cour thank you for your service. Honey, listen, um I
I don't I don't know how to broach the subject,
So I'll just throw it up. Okay, we'll hold my
hands when you tell me. Okay, okay, have you been moisturizing?
They're just sweaty. Okay. So maybe you saw the writing
(12:22):
on the wall sort of thing as to why I
asked for this date, No, no, I just thought it
was maybe an anniversary. I forgot. Maybe it was your
birthday or my birthday. I have no idea. No, it's
about Joey Jr. Um. I. I don't think he is
(12:44):
going to communicate beyond his current level of communicating. I mean,
that's why would you say that He's not even two
years old and he's able to communicate through his poop.
That's brilliant. That's genius, just baby genius on the level
of ten. All right, here's your half Jimmy suy Ury's
(13:06):
to the rim of the bowl. Yeah, it's half a
cuple Sorry, but man, didn't had to step out for
a moment. I'll be your server for the rest of
the evening. Um, I just know about Oh man, oh
my god, it's delicious. Oh sorry, just tight on me.
(13:30):
I just had this stone out on his clothes. But
I don't know. If you alright, babies, then everybody relaxed.
Little Joey Junior, you relax. You're a junior too. I
need you to relax as well. I'm gonna you from
the book. From the book? Are you making a poophoo
in your pants? Down? What do you mean that? Did
(13:55):
you don't like the color of my shirt? Wait a minute,
your mouth didn't move, and yet I understood everything you would.
I'm going to get even move your diaper right now.
I don't want anybody to be worried. I do have
a doctor in babyology. Welt damn time, man, holy ship,
(14:18):
what the hell is going on here? Man? That baby
Joey Jr. Your poop is sentient? Yeah, it is. That's
how I speak, all right, beyond anything I've ever heard.
But oh baby, Joey Jr. Too does have anything to say?
(14:43):
Better open that diaper? Man, It doesn't let me call
my friends doctor, uh, caught and the other one. Man.
You don't gotta brag that your friends are doctors. You
know what I mean? Come on, doctor? Hello? Yeah, hey,
how you doing? Man? I'm over here babysitting there as
I am wanting to do. Carl, Hey, how you do?
(15:06):
How you doing? Doctor? Yeah, I'm over here babysitting as
I am wanting to do. And just listen to this.
Let me hold the phone down here. Okay, well it
was all about season two. The ark for me really
blew out. Then, you know what I'm saying, because it's
not like one of those things where I'm gonna give
(15:28):
you one. Guess what you were just listening to. I
think I was listening to maybe a ten year old
You know you weren't. You were listening to the poop
of someone who's less than two years old. Carl, Listen,
We've talked about this before. Okay, Pop can't speak. I
know you have your theories. Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna load these two babies up in the car.
(15:50):
The parents did not give me the permission to leave
the house with him. But I'm coming immediately to the
doctor's office because it's something you're gonna want to see.
Carl too late, I'm already driving. Can I save you
some time and suggest that you use your phone? Dr Carter?
Dr Carter, Oh yeah, what's going on? I just want
(16:12):
to let you know that I'm actually leaving me what
you do, I'm letting you know that I'm leaving the office.
I've got to go train the next to Olympian, the
next trials. God, how long does it take you to
get out of your sleep fog. I gotta go now,
so I don't really have time for you to slowly
(16:34):
come to Can you wake up? I have some some
training for the trials. I gotta switch my dismount for
the appendeck to me. My last one was sloppy and
I lost two points, so absolutely ludicrous. Oh my gosh,
good god. What's my name? Yes it is Dr. Okay,
(17:00):
so you're awaken up? Okay, great, so you're awake enough?
Um take care. What's my name? Dr Carter? Carter? Carl
Carl again, if you could just turn around and use
your phones video capability. I'm driving, man, I want to
go to Mickey Dee's. Man, you better pull over. I'm
(17:22):
driving at high speed right now. If you could. This
is something that you have to alright. Okay, I'm less
than a block away from the office. If you would
do me a favorite, just open up the bay doors.
I'm going to drive the car right into them. This
thing got tunes or what. Let me just hit the
(17:42):
bay doors. Don't worry, baby Joey Jr. You you you
will get all the tunes that you need to hear
when we get Don't worry. Man, I'm away from the
place that I call home. I've been stuck in a
car with no a c I don't know when this
guy's gonna bring us our check that Jimmy Surrey's already
(18:03):
stinking this whole place up. Listen. I'm sorry to have
dumped all that on you. Okay. I just felt like
the time was right, and well, this is serious. I
want to get back to the Baby's. I think I
can prove to you. We can teach it to We
can teach Joey Jr. To speak a word. Just but
not Joey Jr. Two. That's not happened. I mean, I
(18:25):
think one at a time. We gotta If we can't
fix one's brain, we can't fix me. Guys, pardon me.
I'm sorry. Hi. My name is Melanie. I'm the district
manager of the restaurant Hoping Jogia Jimmy Tury. Here's a
telephone call for a Mr. Joey something. Mr Joey Scandal.
That's me. There you are, and says your son's calling.
(18:47):
I suppose and there you are my son? Yes, okay,
Uh do you mind putting it on speaker phone? Does
this thing have speaker phone? Yes, it does, of course.
Hold on, let's see star there. Okay, hello, my own speaker.
You're a speaker? Why am my own speaker? Can you
(19:08):
put me on? I mean, I want you to do
this conversation I'm having with your mother, mom, dad. Look fine, look,
look it sounds like you're in a car, and I
mean I'm kind of in the car. Yeah, and uh
you know I'm in a bay. I'm god a loading bay.
That's the best way. What are you doing with my telephone?
(19:29):
What are you doing my phone? Imediately find me? Find
me Melanie. I didn't fire him. I know, I'm not
the district I'm just the manager of this one story.
I didn't fire him. He quit. He saw how good
Kevin was and he just he quit. He gave him
his clothes. He walked out of your butt naked. Nothing
(19:54):
really was my fault. I don't know why I'm coming
under fire. Well, it seems that freaking me if I'm wrong.
I'm looking through a stack of paperwork. And he was
found but naked, wondering down the street, saying, that's out,
that's outside of the restaurant. Of course it is, of
course it is. But he still was wearing all the
flair from it. He had his more chimmy cheery, but
(20:16):
have the buttons on the skin. And that was really
what was concerning. So I think it's good that he left,
you know, like that's that's a volatile person. Also, can
I just say how I know it? I am that
like I'm really amped up, and like you're so calm
about this, Like the calmness is killing me. You have
in this day and age, in this environment. And by
(20:38):
the way I do say environment, I hit the end.
I really hit it every time, damn not that's great
if you're if you're if this is what they call
pof poking it fun. I'm not fun. This was doing supportive.
It was me being supportive. It's coming off that way
just because I'm like, I'm amped. I'm just like I'm
(20:59):
I thought that I was getting a trouble. I need
to come down. I need to come down to your level.
Sorry that said, um Corporate Headquarters has a lot more
chimmytury than we realized we had, and we're going to
bring it all over to your store even more. To
move you have to move it. The Chimmy Hurry has
to be moved. You have to move the Jimmy I'm sorry,
ID a hot dog and now you can give me
(21:20):
cherey churry. Okay, that's seen one. They have so much.
When you order anything, you get Jimmy jury seem to
comes from our pal. Kristen Kelly, who wrote what if
podcasting technology had always been around? Never mind? How what
(21:45):
kind of topics would be discussed during the Bronze Age?
What sort of ads would be read by the host
during the Renaissance? What kind of listeners would call in?
Would call in during the Victorian era? Please do a
montage of podcasting throughout history, beginning in the Stone Age
and concluding in the distant spacefaring future. You're you're too
(22:10):
close to your mike. I think you. Yeah, if you
just clug, if you could just back away a little
bit buck away away about her? No much better, great forehead.
By the way, we're very very pleased at the front office. Okay,
I'm gonna count you down and then you just jump
right in. Three tow Hi, welcome back to this rocks. Today,
(22:35):
we have a couple of people coming in to sit
by the microphone to talk about the new rocks that
they found in the area. This first one is Gregg. Gregg,
tell me about new rocks you found club. I found itgnacious, ignacious,
ignacious clug. What do you do with ignacious rock clug?
(22:59):
I may simple tool. I fashioned bearings for a wheels
of wheel. What what? What? What? I'm sorry, but clud's
gotta go. Alright, Well, he's he's suing the audience. He's
(23:24):
the audience, every money on every cave wall that he
loves making love to sheep. All right, we can't have that,
can you have? Sorry? We can't have it. It's bad
for our advertisers. All right, okay, guys, I'm sorry for
the meeting for biggest advertisers, for the meeting. We just
got the numbers and clubs show is literally through the cave.
(23:45):
Thank you, thank you. They're loving his they're loving his
mono syllabic kind of speak. He is. And by the way,
have you seen his forehead lately? And this is serious
from you is signaling ships at sea? It's fent test. Anyways,
I just wanted to report that. Oh, has anyone to
say my spear? Oh? Anyone saying? Was it on the wall? Yes? Okay,
(24:12):
that's a communal wall. So I'm sorry. I didn't realize
that I just leaned it against that. I'm just no, no, no,
I don't know took it. I'm not saying I took it. Yeah,
but I just realized that I put it in the
wrong place. It was not even about I'm not saying
I took it. Yeah. I came in here all the accusatory.
You know what they said about people who accused. It
makes an act out of use. Right, Okay, I gotta
go behind once the numbers are good, what are you
(24:34):
gonna do? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're
gonna give him a raids. That's what we're gonna do.
Got to give them. We gotta give him more sand,
so be it. Yeah, we're gonna have to find all
the same we can get. We're gonna have to give
it them. I think we got to give him more
than the best sand we have to offer. I think
we gotta give them shoes. And go with me on this.
You put things on the feet so you're not walking.
(24:55):
There's this thing between the sand and your feet. It's
the latest. I don't need this crazy ship that you
keep on pitching people. Okay, I don't. I know it's
space age. But they're called shoes, and I think they're
gonna catch on. Do you think I guarantee you the
callouses on our feet are gonna carry us. Try these
on till the end of time? Try these on? Oh,
(25:15):
this is just prototype what the heck is? Walk around
the cave? All right? So this is just talk to
lizard bladder. That's what my foot is in right now,
so specific yes, all right, does hug the ankle? Right? Okay? Yeah,
cloth doesn't want to advertise shoes. I don't like shoes.
(25:36):
I was sand. We got you sand that's in the deal.
I don't want you want me to tell my listener
to wear shoes. These are doub Look at the dumb
you look. Come on, look the bladders really do work. Okay,
they have great grip and they make a funny noise
every time you step. All right, who doesn't like that?
(25:56):
I don't like that. I get look at bottom of
my super super callouses. You but this is just like
you know, maybe for the higher ends. Just try him on,
Come on, just try him on. I don't like him.
I don't like him. Oh my god, he's gonna kill me.
(26:16):
Where's my spear? Kill me? Oh no, no, don't, don't
drink it on the wall. Cluu cluck, cluck, cluck. Look
at me, Look at me. Food food food food you food. Good,
he's food. Yeah, he's food. That's fine. Now Here at
the Podcast Museum, we have archived every single audio file
(26:39):
from the beginning of time, all the way to current,
even a little further past that. You can believe it,
that's how far podcast technology has gone. What's your favorite
in the past? Excuse me, sir, uh huh, excuse me, sir,
excuse I had my hand raised Sarah I raised my
hand to tell you that her mine has are actually
(27:00):
waiting here mine husband, I've been holding mine up, and
he just said excuse me while he shot his up.
So okay, you too, Look YouTube been doing this entire tour,
all right. You two have been doing this the entire tour. Now,
it's obviously you came together. I don't know why you
keep fighting with each other, but they're they're my children,
so please be nice these your twins. Yeah, okay, I'd
(27:24):
love to hear about the old WESH podcast. Do you
have anything there in the museum with Osh PoCA? Actually
I do, and I'm going to refuse to even hear
where your two questions were, all right, I want that
to be clear. Come on, Victoria, Victoria, I'm going to
(27:44):
talk to you about my personal trials and tribulations about
being a Cooman. My father has me betruthed to lend
that I love. Where is it from from? When? Suffolka,
he's from the fields of Chesterton. I can't stand the fields.
(28:07):
He's from the Chester fear dig Here's the thing, Alana,
I happen to be in love. I happen to be
in love with the pale milk boy down the road.
He touches me on the arm and it feels like
he's touching me all over. Why didn't you simply let
(28:31):
him touch you all over? What's the harm there? I
have so many layers on, how could he even get there? Yeah, pantaloons.
Then that one skirt that has that stiff on top.
It'd be best if I knew the names. Then the
(28:52):
one other the top skirt that also has the bustle.
I assure you, miss, you didn't need to know the
names of each of your garment. This is what all
the edge in the New Cities are wearing. I think
you'll be quite pleased if there anything that has less layers.
I'm interested in being. How do I say available to touch?
(29:18):
Say no more? Say no more. I believe we've got
just the thing. Let me put the model out in
the right outfit and come out and show you. Hold
on one second. Thank you so much? Right, Reggie, Reggie,
I need you to dress in the outfit with the
hole in the back. Can you do that? Alright? Day? Game?
(29:38):
This time you're gonna need to pay me, all right,
I absolutely pay your mate a hundred quid? Sound good, Am?
I like as quid. That's my final lover, or I
could yeah, the one with the nice big hole in
the back. How are you saying it all in the bag?
(29:59):
I very good, very well. The model will be out
in just a moment. Would you get some more tea,
a spot of tea? Perhaps I could absolutely do it.
And let me be clear in terms of payment. I've
just brought in two meat pies. What have addressed to
(30:20):
meat pies? Play pays for? Let me make sure we've
got just the thing for you. Be right back, ms Reggie.
My leg forget it might may forget. It's a fild
Just come out and you blown as noe, cays my
legs on fistering out. I do actually because I want
(30:41):
to chase this one away. Come on, come on, come
on here. We are missed the latest from the horse.
Lots of wows so pussy it's it looks like blood,
but it's yellow slight dog leg left that this mate.
I actually have quite an interest in the new fangled thing.
(31:04):
Maybe medicine can take a look. I don't believe in that.
I believe if I pray enough, the good low boyum
are like I believe, if perhaps I put on some
kind of tourniquet. Maybe I could stop blood flow, but
would that help the pass? Maybe not? You see, I
(31:28):
don't know much. Pardon me, good sale. You're the fair
milkman with a fair skin. I think that that sounds
like in describing me. But a friend of mine has
shown her interest in you. Yes, but I like to
spit to you personally first. All right, all right, my
(31:53):
friend has something of um a problem. You see. Well,
I mean, I can you walk with me while I
deliver this milk? Of course I can, because it's milk
or spoiler if I just stand here? Okay, So the problem?
Perhaps I should walk closer to you in case I stumble.
I have very delicate ankles. But you've got a team.
(32:14):
She could got some saures on your face. Maybe I
get too close. They're not so much sores as they
are my soul exposing. It's up to you, all right,
all right, so go ahead. What's what's the what's the
way you that's your friend has? My friend who doesn't
know much about love? It told me to tell you
(32:36):
that if she comes over, whatever you do, don't touch her.
I mean, typically I don't. I'm just a milkman. I
don't touch anybody all on one second. Let me knock
on the door. It's amazing. It's Jesus. She's got a plague.
She's not with me. She hasn't put a mouth in
(33:01):
the milk. Don't worry about what you're played milk, but
this you're gonna play me pull up milk, dam it?
All right, you gotta scram Who who is it that
you don't want me to touch? All right, professor click black.
We're ready to begin the podcast. Now. Your guest today,
(33:27):
by the way, is author of the best selling screen
production and he'll tell you all about it. His name
is Rimon. I'm going to count you down. Mm hmmm
mm hmm um. Okay, so over, we're going to be
(33:53):
talking to an author these days, and this author will
be uh, it's I think it's Mr rym jab By.
It was a m job. The name is Okay. So
you've got a new book that you'd like to I
guess we're going to advertise it here on the cast.
(34:17):
That's exactly what. I have a new book, all right,
and I'm sorry, and he's my papers are all rustled up.
I don't quite what is it about. Now. In the
future podcast section, you can see. I have a question
about that last one. What's a one job? I'm not
(34:39):
gonna sir, can you can you him? I'm not gonna
answer that to your job. I honestly, they've got me
stumped too. They've got me stumped too. I don't know
what I have a I have a question. Did Jesse
James do podcast? Or didn't he? That's all I need
to know, sir. The Western podcast section is under renovation.
I've told you that before. Okay, you're gonna come back
(35:01):
another time, so you're gonna insist on answering these kids questions.
I'm not going to I've told me before. I'm gonna
hear the question. I'm gonna allow. What's the job? The Dave?
The Western thing, the Western section, huh that they're gonna
open it up a little bit later today today, today,
(35:23):
the Western section? What am I the only one who
understands me? You working? Wal walk walk walk walk walk,
Welcome back to the old West with you start, Dave
(35:47):
castle Fell, Thanks very much, glad well, folks, welcome back.
We're gonna sit around the campfire again and hear stories
of the trail. That's the wolf howl that tells us
my guest is here, so let's bring him in. This
(36:07):
is Sheriff Thompson. Sheriff Thompson, thank you for joining us today. Yeah.
Oh that's my my friend you got here. I just
couldn't help. But notice you call it Old West and
it's just as the West to me. I'm not I'll
stay out of this. So your friend here's coming in?
(36:29):
Uh like? Yeah? Is this one of your misfits that
you wrestled up? Oh? Is this is U? S Marshal
Henry Saddleger. Pardon me, Marshall. Welcome to these here proceedings.
(36:49):
Now we're gonna start things off a little differently here
this evening with a dance number if you don't mind, Marshall,
I'm sorry for interrupting. Is us Marshall sellinger here? That's me.
There's a Skelly wag outside who says he's got a
bullet with your name on it. Oh, this is getting exciting, folks.
(37:11):
We don't tell him you found me. I've already told
him you're in here in the podcast booth. I'm sorry,
I didn't realize it the wrong thing. You know. What
we're seeing their, folks, is the marshals and everybody put
your hands up, Marshall, you're coming with me and everyone else.
Put all your gold into bloons and whatever else inside
(37:34):
of this here, Satchel, you want both our gold and
I want your bully on giving me the loot. And Marshall,
don't you forget you're coming with mat time for our sponsors.
Hold on a sect there, Marshall, if you would please
(37:55):
and outlaw Feller. Today we're sponsoring Getting Around. Were already
sure we can't do the dance on the podcast first?
That might be Billy the kid. He said he wasn't
getting around. Let's wait and find it out. Today's show
was brought to you by Catch Them's Hey made catch
(38:16):
room mate. If you want your horse to eat the
best possible, Hey, you want catching him alive? Bully, but
the Blues put it on this satual those ad reads.
I want that too. That's pirate treasure to me. You
(38:41):
better give it to me, good you better give it
to me. Good night. Can someone come help me drag
this dead man's body? You can keep going with that podcast?
I don't mind. Yeah, folks, I don't know if you're
catching up on this. Marshall took one, but he may
or may not. Let's see if my next guest is Rick,
(39:04):
I'm ready. It's everybody's chummed from down to the saloon.
Jimmy Tink king man if damon think a kingle man. Hey,
you gotta come on in the saloon lately. Oh he
got the reoting. It's tooting. Its funniest time you've ever
seen chasing the girls around the piano. I ain't chasing
(39:30):
them so much is that they're chasing me. But I
didn't happen to be behind them. Say we got Fastperril
on the tap, he got a right good little maker mouth.
This week on our West podcast, I actually brought in
(39:54):
two special guests. These girls work at the saloon with me,
and we're here to talk about what's going on in
this saloon that we're not happy about. Now we've got
a saloon manager who's chasing us to saying, we chase
who's chasing us around, pinching, trying to pinch through our
skirts and it's not okay. I don't want that. Mm hmmm.
(40:17):
I mean, I'm gonna be honest. I did I shot him?
Oh you did? Yeah? I shot him earlier? I did.
I shot him in the chest. You know Western justice
and whatnot. Oh my gosh, I feel so much. The
Sheriff's gone, and apparently there's the U. S. Marshals. Everyone's
looking for his body or something that's that everyone's saying.
So there's just no law in town. And I just thought, well,
(40:38):
take law on to my own. I love that. I
love a woman who's standing up for herself, bringing justice
and taking control of her life. I mean, I don't
like the curse, but if that, absolutely, if that, I'm
not gonna stand for it anymore. I'm gonna shoot him
in the chest. Can I say so? To all of
(41:01):
the gentlemen who come in and call us pretty lady,
I have a name. I have a name. It is Juniper, Lady,
it is lady. I mean, your middle name is lady,
Juniper Jane, Lady, Juniper Jane, lady. But you want to
call me pretty Juniper Jane lady. That's great. Junifer Jane.
Could you step into my office please, of course, as
(41:23):
the only lady doctor here in town, I do have
a question for you. Your middle name is lady, but
on your paperwork for your medical stuff you have Juniper
Jane lady, but your middle name is lady. You wanna
you want to explain? You want to explain as a
lady doctor talking to another lady with a pinch proof
(41:43):
skirt on, do you want to explain to me? How
have the hell? Lady is your middle name? Well, sure, Jennifer,
Jane is half a NATed. That's my first name. Lady
is my middle name. And I would know my last
name if I knew my daddy. But I don't. Were
you gonna write me a prescribe for that birth control
or do I have to? Yes? But other than that,
(42:04):
I just realized I didn't know your full story. I
have a new podcast coming home, call My West, and
I would love for you to be my second and
or third guest. That's interesting because my podcast is called
Our West. I have a bit of an issue with
your titling. Put them up junior for Jane Lady, this
(42:24):
town is literally only Well, those are the only two
podcasts I could say from from the West. I don't
know what's going on, but there's some kind of like
internal issue with the server or something. But I mean,
we're gonna scrub, We're gonna question, and I have a question,
what's birth control? What? Oh? That has seen too? Finally,
one of the kids actually coughed out their question. Seen
(42:50):
three from patron v I P. Ben Booth, who wrote, Hi, alchemist,
I have a legit question. How is the show funnier
than Friends? Yet the cast isn't making millions per episode? You?
Ben Booth hit it on the head. Yeah, it's Ripley's
I don't know what to tell you here, as I
(43:11):
seen suggesting that I hope isn't too dirty. Is that possible, Joey,
We'll hear it and we'll see. Okay. A normally meek,
reserved person decides to get sexually adventurous and the use
of a butt plug, uh, only to discover at an
(43:31):
an opportune time that it's actually a Bluetooth speaker. Lots
of love, Ben Booth, I'm happy to help the next
in line. Who's the next in line? Here? Sorry? Um,
I have a problem with the product I purchased at
(43:52):
your store on the Priday. Yeah, is there someone behind you? Actually?
If we could come, holy in your back pocket? It's
the butt plug I bought from here on Friday, tod
I'm sorry interrupted? Are you Is there a radio on
(44:15):
or something? I'm trying to get to the bottom of
that myself right now. Actually, I'm trying to play coming on, well,
I take a ship and you know what this is.
This is a private area when I'm dealing with the
register and talking to this man behind the registred like
privacy for my purchases. This is a call from the
Social Security Administration. There has been a problem with your
social Security number. Please call us back at your early
(44:37):
as convenience. Did you to take a call? Friend? Uh,
it's not a good time for that. Actually, you're saying
all of this sound is coming from a butt plug
that you bought from us. Yeah, I bought a butt
plug on Friday. If you could just keep your voice down,
that's my neighbor. He's Oh, no, you meant you bought
the look up the little horsetail on it, right, No,
(45:00):
I didn't see that a horse tail. The horse tail
I missed. Maybe I didn't put maybe you know what, honestly,
I might be thinking of somebody else. I got it,
I got it. I gotta Oh my god, maybe that
horse tails. Oh I think I put the wrong thing
in there. Yeah. Yeah, Do you want to go into
(45:23):
one of the room the private yes, yes, please please
help me. Did I need to escort someone to the
private room. Yes, please, thank you, Tim, just step right
over this way please, I think are you going to
be able to help me. Yes, I'm gonna be able
to let me. Just thank you. Sip in close the curtain.
I'll be here. This just to that's just unsnapped the belt. There,
are you? Okay? All right? I don't know how this
(45:46):
is gonna. I can't believed the squad and call okay,
is it okay? If I sit, I don't I need
to lay down on the couch for today's session. I
feel I'm feeling pretty good or not good. But um,
(46:11):
so I took your advice and I did put myself
out there. Um dating wise, Um, I actually went on
three dates since three I was last year. Yeah that's
a quick start. Um okay, Oh, well we had talked
(46:34):
about me putting myself out there. I hadn't gone on
any dates in two years. Yeah, okay, so I went.
I went on three. Um, two of them were just fine,
one of them one of them. One of them was longer,
you know, like, Um, over what period of time did
these three days occur? Well, I saw you two weeks ago,
(46:55):
so within in the last two weeks they weren't considered. Okay,
a chim chury for you, miss and chy for you, sir,
I actually ordered the salmon. I'm sorry. Let me let
me just correct for her just one second. I think
she meant the salmon short of the salmon. Go ahead, darling. Yeah,
(47:18):
so this guy, like, first of all, he's calling me
darling on the first date, and that's just driving me
fucking insane. Okay, thank you, because I wasn't sure, like,
is this me am I being judgment Are my walls up? Okay? Definitely?
Oh it is okay because it actually really drove me crazy.
But I guess that's my problem. No, no, it's not
(47:40):
your well, and then he kept he kept correct he
kept correcting the it's who I am, and what would
you say, like judgmental or like what how do I
be less judgmental? Like I don't know how to pinpoint
who I am in that way because I want to
fix that right, because like I has missed him really quickly.
(48:01):
Sure you did well. Whoever of these dates have agreed
to go on a date with you deserves the benefit
of the doubt for the first date. I'm not I'm
not holding anyone hostage. On these dates. They in fact
(48:22):
usked me out on these dates. A right, they they're
beautiful and then you pass judgment on him. You Hi,
I'm sorry, I can't help. But notice I saw you
crossing the street the other day and this is a
wonderful Chimmy Chewerry place right across. Oh I like that
(48:42):
on like steaks or fish. Yeah, I like chimmy cherry
sauce on on top of different meats for sure. How
about I pick you up tonight at my place? That's
very forward. Um, listen, if you wanted to get a meal,
I'm I'm actually trying to put myself more out there.
(49:03):
I would like I would like to get a meal
with you. Um, I actually worked down the street. Why
don't we just meet on this corner again? This that
feels like more comfortable for me? Exactly what time would
you like to meet? Um? Seven? Let it eight? So
weird that you would ask me? Yeah? Well, uh, successful
(49:25):
removal right, looks good. We we don't do return on these,
but I I honestly I U this is broken. It's yeah,
you broke it. Yeah, but it's within sixty days. I
don't know what a radio want me to that you broke.
(49:50):
All right, it's got bluetooth capability and you destroyed the internals.
So I mean, I don't know. I don't see a
horsetail on it. Honestly, I know the to my wa
ain't gonna return it had all right? Well, I I
just feel like I don't know. That's not how customer
service works. Like I bought a product here less than
(50:11):
two weeks ago. I used it on one date. I
have no idea how I this broke. Hey, I Jasmine, Uh,
pick up the phone, brother, I just I just woke
up and I found a horsetail in the un a
horsetail and not in my Just pick up the phone.
Come on, what's going on? Hey? Yeah? Hey, what's up? Hey?
(50:36):
Are you still you? Are you still sleepy? No? I'm
talking about I'm not dealing with this. Sorry. So the
second date that that I went on, that one was
that one was even That one was like really short.
I can't I don't even know if I would call
(50:57):
it a date, to be honest. It was more that
I was like, add a hot dog stand, ordering my
own hot dog. The guy behind me offered to pay
for it, and I said, yes, sure. I leaned him
for a kiss. You said yes, and then leaned in
for a kiss. I said, yes, well, yeah, I'm really
(51:19):
trying hot Who got the hot tech? Yeah? Um, well yeah,
do you take that dog? You do? I'm going to
take the hot dog thing? Is this one for me? Yes? Yes, dogs?
It's a hot dogs everybody. Okay, I gotta make some heat. Okay, okay, okay.
(51:42):
Did you favor theg Yeah, I think that's my hot dog.
That dog. Yeah, he's saying for my hot dog. I
bought that hot dog from hot Dogs for she just
killed What then is going on here? It was a
bit of a hard shove, So it doesn't sound necessary
(52:05):
like he was into you as much as he was
the hot dog. And that's the problem, you know, he
just wasn't that into me. As the book, what of
his actions indicated to you? It was time to kiss.
Well to me. When a man pays for your meal,
that's a date. And at the end of the date,
(52:26):
you right, of course. Of course, of course, the question
is did you read anything into the fact that the
item was a wiener? God? No, I didn't see. This
is why it's so great that I come to you,
because you can really look at things zoomed out, and
I'm so zoom objectively. Objectively objectively that's the word, right,
(52:50):
That's why I'm here, Jesus, Danny, I can't fix this.
What the hell you want me to do with this? Man?
We'll put it back together. What's the big I'm not
gonna put it back together? Looks don't help him any
You gotta take this butt plug back, throw it away,
or do something with it. I can't. I can't fix it.
I'm gonna put it back together. I'm not putting it
back together. Danny, stop playing with the stuff. Will you
(53:10):
come over here and listen to me. I'm not fixing
this butt plug, man, I just I just wanted to
make sure. Who are you talking to you? Danny? So
I can't here? It was expensive, don't Danny put down
the put back together? Just put it back and just
put it back together, can't you hear? I mean? There's
(53:32):
I'm not I'm not the crazy one here. I bought
an expensive Bluetooth capable butt plug that I used on
one day with a wonderful woman. I know you told
me the story. Man. I don't know why it's broken.
I don't know how it's broken. I just know, I'm
not gonna fix it. That's not what I'm supposed to have.
A horse tail in the end. Do you see any
horse tail on it? I see, I see like a
(53:53):
hook that should be Like you can attach something clearly
was not made. Well, just give me a new one.
If you can't exit. I don't expect you to be
a miracle worker. Just give me another one of those
on the wall. I just I'm not gonna do. These
are six hundred dollars. I'm gonna a three danny. He
came to the right place. Let me see the product. Okay,
(54:15):
Well it's in. It wasn't I didn't break it this bad.
It was in fewer pieces earlier. But now that the
here it is. He's like death, right, nobody's really dead.
The molecules are just spread apart or whatever the fun.
But let me just see the thing. Okay, okay, all
right again, I didn't do all that. Damn tried to
fix it, took it apart. Look at it. Look at man.
(54:36):
I'm standing here with a half sherry on and and
and and then then I'm not here to judge people.
Oh I'm here to fixed products. You bring a broken
bug plug in here? I fixed a broken blood plug.
I don't I don't ask questions. I don't ask where,
I don't ask what a horsetail is. I don't ask
how you broke about. I don't know what happened to
(54:58):
the horsetail. And no, no, see that just the whole thing.
I didn't ask. I wouldn't be able to tell you
was the thing. And then there was Lionel and it
was a good date. And what I liked about him
was he came as himself, you know, like we were
(55:19):
going to Houston Steakhouse and he came in a crop
top and little dolphin shorts, and I just thought, this
guy knows who he is and he likes who he is.
Was this the one in the butt plug? What is
this the one with the blug? Well, yeah, he did
have a butt plug with him. Um, he didn't ask
(55:42):
me to participate. He just kind of was fiddling with
it all night. So you're taking that from me. I
mean I was hoping you'd fix it. No, no, no, look,
trust me, give me a week. You get this thing
back in better shape than it ever been. You go Auer, Alright,
it's just said it's six luck. That's our show for today.
(56:06):
Oh my, oh my. Everything was just normal until we
put a price on it. Everything was just so straight
and narrow. I want to thank all of our alchemists
for joining us on this particular outing, starting with Mr
James Heeney. James still coming to us from the state
of Illinois. I will be back in l A on Monday.
(56:32):
I will be back in town. Were excited as hell
to have you back right in time for the West
Side Comedy Theater opening its doors and a slow fashion
next week. I think. So that's exciting as hell. We
can all grill gorbos and gang on when we can
get in there and do a live shop. But thank
you James very much for joining any uh anything you
(56:54):
would like to plug. No, it's broken right now, Okay, okay, no,
or he's just asking Gary Anthony Williams, thank you very
very very much part of it, my friend. Oh yes, please,
where should folks be looking to find your wares? Uh?
If you got any little kids. Have a couple of
voices in the new movie Spirit unto it's about a horse,
(57:18):
it's about sure it is that's exciting yourself. I saw
the trailer. Looks great. Yeah. Uh. And other than that,
you know, I'm just out man. I'm out in these streets, bro,
I ain't gonna lie to I'm out here doing ship man,
which is where I'll find you. Yeah, thank you very much,
Jackie in the house next door to me is for sale. Okay,
let's put it out did you want to just putting
(57:41):
it out there? Yes, thank you, all right, we'll list
that under Joey's phone number. At the end of the show,
Jackie Gonzalez Douthy, thank you so very damn much. Thank
you for having getting a giant airbit as it turns out. Yes,
all are welcome. All are welcome. We do least four.
It's a party of four. Thank you again, and thank
(58:04):
you and thank you Gary for buying me a house.
I can't wait to be your neighborhood and to be
your neighborhood, not your I'm at Jackie Truthee on the
Socials and honestly, that's where you can find me right now.
And sometimes you can find me in commercial breaks during
basketball games, which is pretty fun. But right, that's right,
(58:26):
you can find me on the Socials at Jackie Dirthy.
What's that product? I need to watch these commercials? It
is like a god sent commercial from last year. That's
like still rolling during the basketball games. God blessed, it's Exfinity. No, yeah,
it's Exfinity. And I scream into a pillow. That's like
the most Like, Oh, so, if you want to see
(58:48):
Jackie screaming too a pillow, watch the NBA playoffs, I
think is what we're learning. The playoffsky fantastic and enjoy.
If you want to see you screaming to a pillow,
go to my house Patreon. That right when I wake
up or right before I go to sleep, and that's
that's my meditation practice. Sure, thank you so very much
(59:08):
for being here, Joey. Let's thank you. Engine into the stars.
Mr Doug Bain find folks that I heart media. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollack thanking you all very damn much
for joining us and writing reviews and telling everyone you've
ever met please behind you each other. It's the right
thing to do. Until next time, Gay
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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