June 4, 2020 • 51 mins
Butt, Pizza, Small town sheriff.
Confident Count Dracula asks in Sarasota, FL.
An aspiring criminal finally gets selected to commit his first crime, and calls a clean up crew to cover his tracks.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about me. I'm your host,
Kevin Paul. Here's that Kevin? Can I use the third wish? First? Yeah? Great,
talk to you tomorrow. But I digress. Let's meet Aracola?
Shall we? No particularly order? Say a lot of Craig
cast keep the cow favorite book as a teenager. Oh,
(00:25):
probably Stephen King's The Stands, which is the reality that
we're now living in. Test right, Well, I don't think
I could have gotten through that one. I was a
very advanced reader. Still happy now, James, Yeah, I struggled
with that book. I didn't finish it until after college. Okay, Well,
(00:45):
I can't wait to get to you in this order
of introduction so we can talk about don't throw a
Mama from the train. It's christal Vado Cree free to be.
When was the last time you measured your height? I? Um,
it was about six months ago. Because I'm I'm six three,
(01:08):
and people always they go like like, no one believes me. Sometimes. Um,
So I had a physical done and while I was there,
I said, will you measure me? They're like okay, And
so we went over and I said, go ahead and
push that thing right really nice and hard down on
my head. What's my height? I'm six three, So everybody relax.
(01:29):
Can I offer up a couple of comments observations. First
of all, people in your life were not believing your
six three. Lose them their quick sand They gotta go.
Second of all, how did you get a doctor's appointment
three weeks ago? That sounds awesome. No, not three weeks.
I think I said three months ago. You probably did
(01:50):
trick question stuff. I've got to stop dozing off during
these replies before all, before the things we're in now,
I just had yeah, my normal physical Yeah, yeah, I
went to a doctor during it, and it was not
easy getting in. They don't want to hear from you
unless you've got serious problems. Uh, movie Krumba, it's Carla
(02:15):
Kakowski c C and me. What's the best time for
Joey Greer to call you? Um, three am? Because I
definitely won't pick up. Oh hey, here comes James end h.
What's your problem with tomatoes? Uh? Well, first of all,
it's not really that it's a problem with tomatoes, but
(02:37):
they're so acidic they can ruin a cast iron pan.
If you haven't really uh made sure to break it
incorrectly with cast iron oil. But after that, it's just
that they're dangerous. Tomatoes are dangerous. Period. Is cast iron
oil different from castor oil? I don't know. I don't know.
I got a cast iron pan and it came with
(02:58):
cast iron oil, and I've been breaking it in then
very carefully, not making pasta sauce in the newcast iron
PANU alright, I knew this was the question for you
and last, but mayor style be crimpt if you think
of least it's Joey Greer, Margie. What was the longest
car ride you were on and what do you remember
(03:18):
from it? The longest car ride I've ever taken is
from Los Angeles to Miami, Florida. Did that twice, And
what I remember from that is uh, annoying the hell
out of my friends the last leg of the trip.
I cannot believe they didn't know that was coming. I
remember what I did. I kept on repeating the monologue
(03:40):
from taking I have a very particular set of skills,
skills I have acquired over a long time, skills that
will make me a nightmare for people like you. If
you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end
of it. But if you don't, and I just kept
doing that. And on your way to Miami, where whereabouts
did that stuff that started in about Louisiana. Louisiana, Okay,
(04:03):
and it's a it's a long drive down Florida. It's
a straight shot. There's not much so I had one
of my buddies microt it was highlight of the trip.
Bless us all, everyone, Let's do a damn show. Most
of our scene suggestions come from your listening emails. The
rest of our patron v I p s. If you'd
like your listener email scene suggestion read on the podcast,
(04:25):
please send one to us. I love reading them and
replying right to your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here. See. Number one comes from listener Danny,
who wrote, Hello you wonderful, funny folks. Not going to
bore you with a long story about my love for you, Danny.
The least worthy suggestions are the best. Here goes but Pizza,
(04:49):
small town Sheriff, Oh, small town southern Sheriff. Sorry, keep
up the great work. Danny from Canada. Order up. I
welcome to Butts Pizza. I'm sorry, I was just saying
I can't stop eating pizza. Yeah, I get that. Yeah,
so um, what would you want this time? Cheryl? Do
(05:10):
you want mozzarella? You want to button? Just a regular?
But yeah, just regular? But pizza, candy, candy, candy, candy?
Hate up? Let me let me take take Sheryl? Hey, Cheryl, Hey, Tom? Yeah,
I love it. I I can't stop eating it. I've
(05:31):
gained so much weight and I don't even care because
but pizza is for me. When are you gonna give
me your phone number? When are you gonna get divorced?
I sat up working on that. Okay, okay, well let
me know. So have the kids? Where the kid for
a little bit, you know what I mean? And then
boom bang the world is Tom? Do you mind if
(05:53):
I go on break? I'm just like really prag My
feet are killing me. Okay, do a little spin before
you leave you poo Candy. I have to know, like,
what are you going to name your baby? Oh? Regardless
of gender? Tom, because I just love my husband so much.
He's my husband. Okay. You know, I think you're such
(06:20):
a good singer. I think you should get back together
with your band. Oh my god, I would love to.
I love to get back together with my band when
we were in high school. I thought for sure you
were going to be the next Aerosmith. Yeah, we all did.
And then um and then I waited a long time
to get married, to get pregnant. And that's life. So
(06:40):
you're break your break or is a breakover? Or what's
were we at? Candy? I want to give you my number.
You can call me any time, but only you, Okay, okay,
all right, all right, I'm writing it down. Here's your pizza,
sliding it across the counter. I'm taking my butt pizza
(07:02):
and I'm going home. Thank you, Tom to man holding
onto this number, the paper is just too heavy for me,
right now? Sure? Sure? Yeah, Well I reckon, I'd like
to get myself a slice of pizza. Okay, which one
of you guys? Can I order a slice of pizza
(07:23):
from me? I'm the owner? Alright, oh the owner? Well
what do you reckon? Uh? Not to interrupt you, but sheriff,
I think you should order the butt pizza. It's just
a recommendation, is it? Can I ask? What is that
on that? But pizza? You cannot? It's a secret, family
(07:44):
family secret. Can you just don't one thing? Is it? Actually?
But because I don't, I reckon. I don't want to
have any butt in my mouth. Is but family secret,
and my secret. You can always go with the cheese
if you like, Sheriff. Cheese is so boring, Sheriff, I
thought we were going straight to the jail. Could you
at least take the handcuffs on while we're in on,
(08:05):
I gotta get myself a pizza. It's a it's a
mandatory break, and I'm gonna order some pizza. What say
you about a butt pizza? Would you eat a butt pizza?
I would not eat a butt pizza? What what? What
crime did this man commit? Exactly? That's been my point.
You called that, I read you. You're right, Okay. What
(08:26):
the thing is is we don't know for sure that
he is the perp that did it, but he is
very strikingly similar to somebody that's been selling fraudulent insurance
around that ain't me. Well, we're gonna find out. The
court of law will tell us. I mean, everybody needs insurance.
You have, you're having shirts here and at this at
this pizza. Shut up about your goddamned shirts there so
(08:53):
but pizza. You wouldn't need it. I'm not gonna eat it.
I guess I'll just don't jump it until you've tried it.
I don't know. One slice of cheese, one slice of
butt pizza? Look, I don't know if you're gonna which
one am I having? Well I'll let you try on
a beach and then we'll split the pizzas. Pizza. Don'ty
(09:17):
running out of butt back here? Okay, that's what we got.
Eighty six but pizza. You can eighty six but pizzas
on the sign? Yeah, well, what do you want me
to do? Run out of butts? Okay? Get some more butts?
How simple is this? Some more bucks? Man? I've been
going to the goddamn and digging up bodies and ship
and they're trying to get these butts. Man, all right,
there's no more. You've been going where to good? How'm
(09:40):
going to the more at a mortuary? And what we
mean when we say butt pizza? These are cow butts,
you fucking asshole. Oh fuck, we've been serving human I'm
gonna get into so much trouble if you keep coming
by and buying all the butts. My boss, My boss
(10:01):
is really suspicious. We haven't let the families know because
they're covered with clothes, their butts are covered. But my
boss knows. My boss sees the body's naked, and he
notices that the butts are gone. What do you want
me to do? How do you want me to give
you guys a lifetime and supply free butt pizza? Done? Done,
I can do that. I just feel like it's kind
(10:22):
of gross. Come on, now, you're gonna turn like this
a couple of New Years. Do you know what we
were doing before? You said? Yes? Oh yeah, but it
was good money and I don't make a lot of
money here. I don't know. I feel real bad about
putting those bodies in the grail without any foots. Come on,
come on, relax, relax, relax. We all know, we all
know when you go up to heaven you don't need
a butt, but you're useless in heaven. Okay, because how
(10:43):
are they gonna sit? I've heard you're the best mortician
in town, and uh, this is a little bit of
a wild card. But my sister was was a dancer
for many years and she was known for her for
her prominent, strong dairy air. And could you arrange the
casket so that she's uh, how do I put this
(11:05):
butt up? Um? Well, are you sure that that was
her best feature, because oftentimes with dancers, it's the nose
that people compliment. The nose. The nose, I mean typically
if the legs or the butt. I think, I mean
she was she was not a looker. She was not
(11:26):
a looker. So we're really trying to de emphasize the
face and emphasize the butt. So no face all, but
is what you're asking. Yeah, you are the mortician. I'm
the mortician's assistant. Oh, sinday, is her problem, No sir,
no problem. We're just talking about how to display a body. Oh,
(11:48):
very well, we can display it however you'd like. They
were here too to we We aimed to please, as
they said, her butts gone. She has no but she
has no butt anymore. It's gone. Listen, just because these
struct are deceased doesn't mean that. No. Literally, I cut
her butt out and gave it away. Gave it away. So, sheriff,
(12:11):
what do you think, do you? I reckon, it's like
a hooting nanny in my mouth. I really I lack
butt pizza. In fact, I'd like the whole I would
like to order a whole pie. But shareff, come on
in here, pizza for everybody, pizza down. There's a case
(12:33):
that you gotta hear about. Somebody over you right here.
Let me stop you right there. I've got my hands
fulled with this possible insurance for all salesman. All right,
young man, young man, before you leave, how about a slice?
Yeah me give him one of those slashes of the
(12:55):
butt pizza. Okay, but pizza, Hey, Tony, we got any
more but pizza back? You're ready to go? But beza,
come up? Six were eight? Six? But pizza? But what
are you talking about? I told you just sucking kidd
and look at this primo ass. Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about. I'm sorry. I need my butt back. I
(13:18):
need but back. What are you doing? I need my
butt back. There's really she's a dancer. They want to
see your butt. This is pre look pizza her body.
I just need the butt. The rest of the body
is useless to me. I just need the But this
is but pizza so much other body, Cindy, this is
butt pizza. This is an elbow pizza. This isn't going
(13:39):
to the back here. What is going on back here?
I need my pizza. I need it now. I need
my butt. I need it now. That's what I need
to we need but pizza? What do you need any
But I don't care what it is. It doesn't have
to be that. But if that's not the butt that
you can give right now? What's what's somebody? Explained's going
I'm the owner, obviously, what's going on here? Tony, Tony,
(14:02):
you're you're you're my head pizza guy? What's who's your
who's your supplier here? What's going on? Talk to me,
Jimmy here gets all the butt, sir. And he made
some joke earlier about he couldn't go back to the
graveyard or the morgue or whatever the funk. I'm just
trying to put the butts into seats, if you know
what I'm saying. So, what's what's the what's the what's
the joke? Yeah, Jimmy, what's the sectuary? Mortuary? Yeah? I
(14:25):
said mortuary. And Jimmy, what where are you getting these
cowbuts from? They're not cow butts? Boss? There are you getting?
Are you getting me? Pick butt? Pig butt is inferior.
They're gonna know No, No, I'm getting you top of
the food, but don't get the lava. But I'm giving
you a human but what I thought, he said, a
(14:46):
human bud. Everyone's been eating human butts. I don't know
what else to tell you. Yeah, oh, here's what you
can tell us. Uh, do you get a good lawyer? No? No, no, no, Tony, Tony, Tony,
are sounds have been up? Yeah? I'm the fucking demon
Barber of Fleet Street. If you know what I mean here? Huh?
I kind of do you know? Sweeney Todd? Yeah? Yeah,
(15:10):
you know? Okay, a musical, sure, I mean I prefer
swing the Green if we're gonna talk about eating humans.
But let's go with this, Sweeney Todd. Dude, Fine, look
the point is I'm into it now, you miss what
what are you coming here for this? For this butt? Yeah?
I need my butt back. I'm so sorry. I can
maybe get you some more next week. Why don't I
(15:32):
give you some dope you can form a butt? Everyone's happy, sheriff. Ohyo,
he huh? Your mouth ate full? Okay, alright, fine, if
you want to tell me whatever you want to tell me,
you got thirty seconds. But I'm trying to enjoy my
state required break. All the bodies at the mortar are buttless?
(15:57):
What that sounds like a real crime? Wall Hell, it
also sounds like I could be an insurance problem. Is
it something you set up? Your son up? A bitch?
You think I set it up? Sheriff, You've ever wondered
about the irony of my twin brother works for you
as a deputy, and you y'all bring me in with
(16:20):
it with all these wild accusations of crimes all the time.
I do that. I reckon that might be something that's
a problem. What do you do about butts? But but
oh no, oh my god, is this but pizza human?
Oh god, oh dear, that's right, Tony locked the door.
(16:47):
All right, I'll look at myself. I got it. I
got it. It's all locked up. What do you want
from all right, Sheriff, We're in a real situation here.
Give us your ass. I giving nobody my ass. And
I feel like I'm pretty angry because I feel like
I've been eating ass all morning. You have, you've been
(17:10):
enjoying it, right, So that's what the kids mean today
when they say they love eating as. Not Tony, I
keep telling you they mean actual Oh yeah, serving actual ass.
I've been eating ass out of this shop all day,
and I'm not happy about Wait wait, wait, wait, where's
(17:31):
my wife? Anybody seen my Wife's seen one? No, I refused,
where's my wife? So? S two comes from Patroon v
(17:54):
I P. Who wrote Kevin an Amazing Alchemists. I have
listened to all the others many many times and was
really confused. How come this is so funny? What is
the alchemy? But now I'm onto you. You just took
three of the absolute best improvisers in the world, Craig,
(18:15):
Chris and James. Then you added an absolute, complete, unpredictable
madness from Joey and Vanessa. For everyone else to combine
madness from Joey and Vanessa would kill the scenes. But Craig,
Christ and James are true champions and always find the
funny route. Enough fast kissing. Here's my scene suggestion. I
love this guy. I'm unbelievable. Count excuse me, A confident
(18:36):
Count Dracula asked for directions and Sarah sort sort of Florida.
Sarah Sota Florida. Please keep doing the podcast forever. All
Rich from Copenhagen, Denmark. Yes, sir, how many of your party? Uh? Two? Alrighty,
right this way? No, no, sir, we're seating every other
(19:00):
their table. Oh so if I could put you a
little further away from these thongs. Uh well um, and
thank you for wearing your mask. And I ask where
you got that one? My wife made it very cool.
How's this table? Folks? Well, it's fine, maybe it's fine.
(19:21):
It's you got the view of the alligator pond? Yeah? Okay, yeah,
thank you. All right, Synthy will be your server, so
she'll be by shortly. Thank you again so much for
coming to Larry's House of Pain. Thank you? How's the pain?
What was that? Nothing? Babe? I just want to say
(19:42):
I'm really proud of you. I know it's been weird
recently and you're kind of having a funk and I
like that. You're like, we're going out. Look, we're out,
we are out, We're doing it. This is nice. This,
it's nice. It's it's nice to get out. I just
feel did you hear what that guy said? How did
you paint? Do you even see? How's a pancakes? To
be honest, that's what Okay? I thought it was crazy.
(20:07):
What can I get to drink for you? You guys
look great? Thank you? Is it too early to drink? Maybe?
Do it? Do it? Can I just say that you
seem very confident. What you seem very confident? Yeah, like
(20:29):
when you walked in, I kind of noticed you right away,
Like you walked in like you ruled the roost. Yeah, yeah,
I mean I'm not hitting on him, don't worry. I'm
just saying, please, hey, I get it. I get it.
This man is confident. It just seems like the kind
of guy who knows what he wants and when he
wants it. So if you want to drink at eleven am,
do it, buddy, and you know you have bloody mary.
(20:50):
Look at him. Furthermore, this guy knows everything. He's like,
he's like a human encyclopedia. I mean, do you know
what encyclopedias are. I've never heard of that. It's like
wick Pedia. But go ahead, go ahead. Why don't I
explain this? Why I don't explain this? Yeah, you're right,
I have it. So encyclopedias, we're back when we used
to have all of our information and found books paper. Uh,
(21:14):
and well it was like that, but it's like Wikipedia,
but separate and not as much. By the way, are
specials today? Okay, wait, but we could count on what
was inside of the encyclopedia to be right. Oh, no
matter what, m are you? Sure, yes, yes, you're confident exactly.
(21:36):
But steaks are the special today. So if you want
a butt steak, just let me know. But steaks, but steaks,
and I'll have an orange an orange juice please, and
an orange juice soeless sunrise, baby, baby, baby, it's a disease.
I have a drinking problem. He thinks I can just stop.
I don't know when he says it, though, it seems
(21:56):
like it's the right answers. Bring it to me, well,
and we'll give it a shot. Actually, on second thought,
you're right. I shouldn't push that on you. Just orange
bloody mary. Okay, okay, bloody mary, orange juice. But steak
anyone but steak, Oh gosh, confident, confident, confident steaks right now? Yeah, right, Sorry,
I'm sorry. I'll be back and enjoy your time at
(22:19):
House of Pain. Thank you. Maybe maybe, maybe maybe nobody
knows it's in your head. What do you mean nobody
knows you're a vampire. I am so sorry. It is
over at the table. But I saw Cyndy over here
and I thought, you know, there's just some kind of
something about you, sir that is just so attractive I'm
(22:42):
not hitting on him. I am not hitting on him.
But I get it. I get it, I get it.
I tell you what. Oh my gosh, sir, I think
you're the best. I want to be your loyal follower.
I'll do anything you ask and anything you want me
to do. Okay, okay, okay, calm down. This is a
public place, all right. Okay, I'm cutting my hand. I'm
cutting my hand open right now at the table, at
(23:05):
the table, under the table. Go go go go go
go go go go go go. Okay, okay, time to
sit back down, sir. Bye bye. Look at you, Look
at you. Look at my man. You're been flourishing. Yeah,
(23:27):
it's just nice to be able to wear a mask
in public, cover up when you go out. I think
that's it. I love what I'm saying. All the two
thousand years i've been alive, nothing has been quite this exhilarating.
I love it. I love it, and I'm sorry I
never let you buy me in the neck. And I'm
(23:48):
one day I'll die and you'll have to live on
without me or no. So I'm looking over here at
your different things to do in Sarah Sota, and I
was wondering if there's any information you have about Dracula
about Dracula, Yes, um no, we do have you know,
(24:13):
we do have access to the beach. Uh. You know
we also have There's there's ten different microbreweries in town,
so you know there's a beer walking tour that I
can set you up with. I have hunted Jackal and Hide.
I've hunted all the beasts obvious, the old world, and
the one that still eludes me. Jacklin had the same guy. Yes,
(24:33):
but it's too You're actually dealing with two different things.
It's not just one guy. So it's two different whole
two different personalities you have to contend with to angle.
I don't know, I am. Everyone always wants to debate
this everywhere I go, everywhere. I really don't want to.
(24:53):
You you don't, Oh I brought it up. Well maybe
I fucking died, Okay, but no one talks about thing, sir.
Oh isn't to give a ship to this fucking kids? Here,
there's a wolfman on the loose. It's gonna fucking eat
your kids. How about that scary ship? Okay, Now there's
a wolfman on the loose, Yes it is. Okay, there's
always a fucking wolfman on the fucking loose. Okay, she
spreads like fucking wildfire. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna need
(25:16):
you to I'm gonna need you to leave the Sarah
Soda Tourist. I guess I'll fucking get out if he's
an't give me a fucking second? Hello? Hello? How how
do I answer this? Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you pix?
Can you answer this phone? I suppose this could be
(25:38):
my Is this my phone? Okay? Sorry? Well, first of all,
I need you to leave, sir, and I am going
to answer this phone call, which clearly the landline on
my desk. Answer my phone, please, Sarah Sota Tourist Bureau. Yes,
I was wondering if you could recommend the hotel in
(26:00):
your area? Uh? Sure? What price point? Are you looking for?
Skies the Limit? Does? Sky is the Limit? Well? Into
a Dracula? Very late chicken? Okay? How later are we talking?
Need night? Midnight check in chut? Okay? What one second? Now?
(26:26):
Stop whispering things at me, sir, I'm trying to sky
is the Limit? Come on? Who says that I told
my dad to come visit us? Since well, I told
him to come visit us I've been able to go
out in public wearing my mask. He's getting a hotel nearby.
Oh god, it's not gonna be bad. He's gonna treat us.
(26:48):
It's going to be wonderful. Bloody Mary to kill as
sunrise or is it orange juice? I brought both. I
wasn't sure. I'll drink. I'll drink on a beach and
just another orange jew out. Just sorry, I got you.
Let's just kiss and make it better under the table,
(27:08):
on the table the tele okay, how go baby, go
co co co co co. Just okay. I need all
the information on the hotel that you provided this my phone. Hello, Hello, Hello,
(27:31):
is this a pope? No, No, this is Carl. Look.
How are your insurance going? How's mind shut? Honestly not
so good. Uh. I've changed different providers over the centuries,
and uh, you know, fluctuating and prices in my return
but not Yuh. What if I told you for just
fourteen dollars a month you can get a one million
(27:53):
dollar insurance policy on anything you own. Holy hold on
one second, just give me one second. I have to
take the second was just like moved to the back
of the line. I just need information on sea World. Okay, yeah, okay,
there's a lot of pamphlets. I just pick one up.
Lady Jesus cry specific questions about are the dolphins abused?
Like it will my children feel unsafe? Don't you have
(28:15):
a Wikipedia? Just look at that up? Hello, Yes, I
I can answer that the dolphins are abused, your children
will feel unsafe? And SeaWorld in Orlando. I know it's okay,
but that's not You're at the Sarasota Tourist Bureau. Okay,
far that's three hours. We're Gulf coast. Yeah, I mean
it's three hours. I've literally lived in Florida my whole life.
(28:35):
I've lived before it in my whole life. Well then,
alrightist guide, so it's not a competition. Please bring the
phone back to your ears. Oh sorry, I didn't realize
you were still no, clearly you did not. Okay, Well,
there is a four seasons that and they do have
availability tonight. Which seasons are the least thing? I imagine
(29:02):
all four being? Uh? Is this a test? Spring? Summer, autumn,
and winter? Damn it? Well those four seasons? Name? Please
count blood count vlod Okay, I have you here? Uh
(29:25):
one room, single queen smoking. Is that correct? I'm study
it sounded like you said, queen. Yeah, yeah, I have
you here for queen balcony smoking. I specifically requested, let
me see what and what's your budget here, sir skies
the limit? Sky is the limit? Okay? Well we do
(29:48):
have the penthouse available, that's the one. Okay, okay, terrific.
Well you're all set up here. That will be Did
you get my request for a very very late check Yes, yes, yes,
anybody who stays in the penthouse can come and go
as they played frankly, neither day, midnight, midnight. Sure that
(30:09):
works for time I would check out. Okay, okay, we're
I know that accident. Is that Austian Europe? Oh? I
thought it was Australian, let's say Eastern Europe. Betwin us okay,
fourteen dollars and that's it has a million dollars for
life insurance. Is that right? Yeah? Yeah, that's that's right.
(30:30):
Just I'll send you a paypaling and then you you
send me the fourteen dollars and then well a million
dollars on anything you own. Yeah, yeah, okay. So I
normally work in gold coins. I have a lot of
gold coins I'll be able to sell you one second.
Feel free, feel free to step out of the tourist
bureau to take this call at any point. Free. I
(30:52):
do feel free to step out, but I found to
stay in because apparently did anybody caught in line? Okay,
there's not fucking rules here, are you Irish? Alright? Baby? Um,
so you've had your fill, you had a couple of steaks,
you ate two bodies. Do you think him to go
home or well? That was the thing I wanted to
(31:13):
just surprise you. We're going straight to the hotel to
see dad. With this newfound confidence, I'm not gonna take
no for an answer. Okay, yes it is. Do you
know how to get there? Yeah? It's the four Seasons?
Which which East or West? Ring? Ring? Ring Ring Ring, Ring, Ring,
(31:35):
Ring Ring, the second ring Ring Ring. Hi? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was trying to get in contact with Rubusha Rambusha.
Y Okay, hold on a second, here you go, Hello,
Hey Rubusha, Hey, what's up? We're getting the band back together.
(31:58):
Don't mess around. I'm serious. I'm on my break right now.
We're getting the band back together. I thought you were pregnant.
I am I am, I am I am Oh my god,
that is so arrowsmith of you. Right, got it? Listen? Okay,
where where? Where? Where? When? Where? When? Where? Right now?
(32:19):
Okay I'm in a small town, my husband. Where we meeting?
Start the band back up? Oh my god? Oh of course. Yeah. Okay,
I'm thinking exactly where we left it off. Okay, the warehouse,
right out the warehouse. Okay, okay, I have one more
question for you. I have a tequila sunrise and orange
juice right in front of me. Which one should I drink? Well,
(32:40):
you have that you have a drinking problem. Okay, you're seriously,
seriously just drink the o j Okay. If that's in
front of you, just just walk away. Okay, okay, just
see you. Wait, so you tell me where you didn't
tell me when? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Yes,
(33:02):
is this room southings? Uh? Huh? Was the front desk,
but yeah, it's the kind of the same thing. What
kind of get it? I'm waiting on my buttstak extremely Okay,
let me call the kitchen real quick. In one second,
brin brink, brink, brink, brin brink, brink, kitchens and tourist,
(33:28):
You're gonna get it. Hello, I think the lines across.
Who's who's on the other line calling the kitchens? This
is the Sara, this is the kitchen, the kitchen. Who
who's on the line. Okay, happening? I have had a day.
Why it's too eight am? Why am I still doing this? Kids?
(33:48):
This is great. We're having a good time. The dolphins
are totally safe mine. Okay, they're they're not there. There
there's a wolfman in the pool. Scenes a lot of
money on these tickets. Okay, you're safe, You're safe, You're safe.
(34:12):
That is seen too scanty skitty time. Scene three, let's
see who do we see? Three? Comes those from becks
who wrote Hi guys, Becks again, I suggested the taxa
dermos who was taking animals from the zoo. I am
just finishing law school and cannot tell you how many
times this podcast has given me the break and distraction
(34:34):
I needed from school, especially in this last year. I
have a suggestion. An aspiring criminal finally gets selected to
commit his first crime, which he successfully does. Misunderstanding what
a crime scene clean up crew does, he calls one
to cover his own tracks. Thanks becks. Alright, alright, alright, um,
(35:03):
so we have a couple of things to do today.
We gotta still um one trans am. We gotta still
trans am. We gotta break into that paunch shop on Third.
We need a couple of necklaces there. And it's about it. Tommy.
I thought Tommy two shoes was taken the the last
one there. Yeah, yeah, Tommy. He's having Tommy issues, he said.
(35:27):
So Tommy's having tem Mey issues. He's gonna get the
nickname tell me issues Tommy. Well, that's up to you.
So listen, I don't know either one of us can
do it or or that kid be in the bar. Now,
it'll be one of us, all right. So who wants
the Who wants to take the punch up? Yeah? Um,
(35:48):
I don't know if it's okay, but I would I
would like to take the paunch up. I've been to
that paunch up a hundred times. This kid, get over here.
I used to smoke in the alley behind it. I
could you know the building pretty well? Yeah? I know
the building pretty well. First of all, you heard him,
he said, come in get over there. Okay, okay, all right, Jesus,
(36:12):
look at this. I've played Assassin's Creed. I've a lot
of g t A. I I think I'm ready for
I could do this paunch shop thing. When does it
have to get done by this afternoon? Oh? My god,
this afternoon. Look, look, fellas, I don't know. I think
this gets funny, killing me funny funny? Uh? Also, um,
(36:36):
mask or uh, let's you guys? Have you guys have
to wear a mask? Am I gonna do it solo?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So your question was mask and
you wanted to stay answer if you were doing it
solo or not? Well, if we were doing it as
a group, are we all going to wear the same time,
(36:57):
we'd all have like the same bask on and listen, kid,
you got this, Okay, whatever you want to do, you
got the green light. Whatever you want to look at that,
get the green light. Okay. Wow, A lot of people
wait all day for the green light. I got it. Okay.
How can I help your kid? Oh? Hey, um, well,
I do you have any acoustic guitars that are just
(37:19):
motherfucker freeze? Motherfucker? Okay, put your hands up, put your
hands up, motherfucker. Okay, Okay, what do you want? Oh,
give me all the money in your register first, that's
the first thing. And uh, it's uh, it's ten am.
You're the first customer today. Okay, that makes sense. I
(37:42):
mean I've got a drawer of you had about fifty
bucks in the drawer. Okay, Hey, Duncan, Duncan, I need
my wedding ring back. Man, I need my wedding ring back.
Put your hands up, motherfucker. Okay, I need Come on, yeah,
he better get his wedding ring back. I'm gonna see
you mother. Okay, all you motherfucker's I have a gun. Okay, everybody,
(38:03):
put your hands out. If you calm down for one second.
This guy is willing to pay cash to get his
ring back. You might get that cash, okay, okay, okay,
but you gotta let me handle this transaction. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Now he's going to use our grocery money
to get his ring back because he made bad decisions.
I'm sorry, baby, I'm here now, right all right, Duncan.
(38:24):
What what do I are you for? The for the ring?
It's seven the ring Jesus Christ. She gave me four
the door. We paid two fifty from Walmart. Oh shit, shit,
oh shit shit, oh ship, oh shit, you wait did
you just shoot me? I shut everybody, I shut everybody. Okay,
(38:48):
maybe it's just a baby gun. You're fine, that's a
pop gun. Pop gun. That hurt. She just stung a
little bit. But I've been through childbirth three times, so
whatever do you mind if I praise that gun? This
bb gun? Yeah, this is this is nice. It looks
like an antique. This is a vintage baby gun. This
is a this is the red Ryder gun like from
(39:10):
Christmas story. I love that. Oh yeah, it's I didn't
know it was. It was that old. You know, I'd
be willing to take this off your hands for baby.
Steal that gun. You gotta steal that gun. That's my gun.
I work for an organized crime group. Guys. H no,
(39:32):
I've been working with a lot of guys. Back, hold
on one second. I'm gonna pull them up on the phone. Okay, okay, okay,
hold on, somebody's gonna answer. Duncan. I gotta get that
rifle from you, man, Come on, look, I don't have
the rifle yet. You know. Transaction at a time online.
(39:53):
If you'd like to be transferred to a Boss Press one,
If you'd like to be transferred to a Edie Press too,
If you'd like to be transferred to a representative. Press
This is more organized than most organized crime. What's does
anybody know what a consiculary is? You're in the crime family.
(40:13):
You don't know what a console areas? Okay, you know
what I'm gonna go with. Three? Okay, hold on your
motherfucker's hold on. You're gonna really regret this. You have
selected speak with a representative? Which representative? Would you like
to speak to? Clean up crew? Would you like to
speak to a clean up crew? Yes? Press one? I
(40:38):
thought it was there one press Press one, I pressed it.
It's uh, you have selected dirty boys? Shall I help you? Hi? Uh?
This is uh. I don't want to use my real
name right now because I'm in the middle of a robbery.
It's kind of gone bad. Make sure you get his names?
(41:01):
Did get his name? Listen? So we can't we can't
move forward with that without a name. It's Philip. It's Philip. Okay, okay, Philip?
Which one third? Yeah, that's the one. Um, So probably
it needs some people to put a couple on the
back of the heads of these coconuts. What are you
(41:24):
talking about? Sorry, boys, clean up crew? You know what
that means. It means when you make a mess. We
clean it up. Yeah, Oh, there's a big mess here there. Whatever, No,
they got my they got my gun. Lookay, I'm gonna
put you on a hold. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna
(41:44):
put you and you should listen to the press star
and you know, to get a menu again. Give me
one second. Okay, alright, guys, you guys are all going
to regret it. I'm think they talked to the boss
press one alright, six six hundred. That's my final offer.
(42:06):
Get a gun for me. I want that gun. You
I canna rob me. I'm part of a big crime family.
To conticularly selected, use your muscles, okay, okay, now Tom Hagen,
Oh hi, this is Philip. I'm at the pawn shop
(42:28):
and uh I need I need a cleanup crew to
help me out here. Philip, I need the last name.
Oh jeez, I really shouldn't because I'm in the middle
of in the middle of a crime. Sorry, please, I'm
on the phone. I need your daddy. Yes, what's the
last name, Spencer? It's Philip Spencer. Spencer. Well, now we
(42:51):
got your full name. I think you're gonna be dead
no time since. Yeah, well that was a mistake. You
have a question. Question, listen. I wanted to use concierge
to bring in a cleanup crew. I need come. This
is not a hotel. Do you have a question. Oh please,
(43:14):
I'm in the middle of a box trappery. Okay, I
really need some help, and I'm looking address. I'm too scared.
Oh my god, we are done for real this time.
There's no crawling back on your knees. I'm sending a crew. Oh,
you guys are fucked. All right, I'll just wait now,
(43:36):
you guys are you guys are in big trouble. You're
gonna regret this. I demand respect. I'll give you a
seven hundred for the rifle, but they're they're hard to
move their specialty items, you know. Okay, pardon me. Which
one of you is the proprietor's old medallion? I would
(44:01):
like to say, Oh my god, baby, you got to
get that from me. You gotta get it. It's older
than you would to be even imagine. Can I take
a look, take a guess and a loom. Man, It
is bright outside, isn't it. Uh? Listen, listen, I I
(44:23):
don't want to get you into trouble, old man, I'm
not a monster of any sorts, but there's gonna be
some serious problems soon here, so you might want to
take your medallion and leave. Look into my eyes, girls, girls,
we got our first gig. Okay, parents, we're gonna go
to a pound shop and we're just gonna do those
set all right. We gotta clean it up, all right. Hey, hey, hey,
(44:43):
this feels right? Yeah? Alcohol, Oh my god, you do
you smell like fucking tequila? Are you drinking? I'm saying
this feels right, Oh my god, feelings and you're really drunk? Oh?
Fun school, let's play, let's shres. Okay, look, okay, okay,
(45:04):
just do what we rehearsed. Okay, this up so big.
Comeback doing exactly as we rehearsed, and if you do
it even a little bit wrong, you're out of the band. Okay,
I got it. I feel good. Okay, great, Okay, I
don't get in the car. Let's go from Bush. You're driving.
Just the price, The price is all I ask. I
(45:26):
don't know. I mean, this is uh, pick a crazy number.
I mean I can go with highest to fifty. Really
all right? Okay, uh, you men have to go into
the safe. If that's alright? I only yeah, I would
assume as much to have two and fifty thousand dollars
(45:48):
about No, no, no, no to two d and fifty
we had the deal. No we didn't. I didn't. Thousand
the word was the word thousands said and said to
fifty to fift? Yeah, two hundred fifty dollars. Oh you
are You never mentioned the safe earlier, sir? You didn't
mention the safe earlier, sir? Well it didn't come up,
(46:10):
did it? So you're a shady businessman. You would be begun.
Look into my eyes. You ought to getting sleepy baby.
I wanted to get him for me. Can you get
him like him? No? Yeah, he's like magical sevent Not yet,
(46:32):
God dammit, Oh my god, O my god, I made
a mistake. Oh my god, this is houck. Does that
ster bomb it all over? Be good? Damnit? Holy ship.
She vomited in the amp. But we can't use the ampa.
(46:53):
Now what are we supposed to do? I got amps
over here if you need more? Oh yeah, oh god?
How much of the amps? Oh you know? Let me guess.
Two fifty? I could go his eyes two fifty, Danny, Yes,
(47:18):
what are you doing here? Like my nephew, Danny I'm
actually married to your son. Life has taken a turn
for a long time. Wait a second, you look like
his cousin or someday. Is that right? Yeah? Did you
(47:38):
know that when you got married? Just a typical day
at a Sara Soda punch right show? Oh my god,
I almost passed out and then I had a little
tiny stars around my eyes. Okay, alright, let's thank rockas
please for our very last show recording of May, just
(48:04):
of May good one to go out on in the merry,
merry month of May. We thank carlicke Atkowski. Thank you
so damn much. Carla, thank you, Kevin, You're the best
I'm at Carla Kakowski on Instagram. Perfect and folks, please
check out all the shows twitch, Slash, west Side Comedy
(48:27):
ye and west Side Comedy dot com. They're up there
as well, so you can check it out. Yeah, several
of folks here in this very podcast are teaching classes.
When I say several, I think to at least James,
are you also teaching Joey Craig? No, James, but if
he wants to, he's allowed. James, Why aren't you teaching classes?
(48:47):
For good reason? So hard with all the stuff going
on point taking. Thank you Carlin, Chris Alvarado, thank you
so very much for joining us. Thanks for having me
working folks right, who to get one of those shirts? Uh?
These I don't think they're not We're not up to
quality standards yet. Yeah, yeah that's right. But you can
(49:11):
look at my shirt at Chris Overado on Instagram and yeah,
like what Carlo was saying, I was just thinking, what
a fun opportunity, uh, in the middle of all this
weird stuff to take a class from somebody you listen to.
Absolutely let's all try to better ourselves somehow. And it's
a one stop shop over there. Yeah, improv, stand up, sketch, comedy,
I mean tons of stuff over there, So check us
(49:32):
out Westide Comedy dot com. Thank you for that, Craig Atkowski. Yeah,
I asked for some chatter on the the Alchemy This
subreddit and you all really delivered because I know that
all of you are unable to convert your friends, family,
and significant others to Alchemy This, so this is your
opportunity to meet like minded people. It's working out. Thank
(49:59):
you for that. James heeney Ah, thanks for having me.
What a blast to do improv every Wednesday, seven pms
Pacific Standard time. Uh Twitch Westside Comedy Theater. It's forward slash,
and every time I hear somebody say backslash, I correct
it in my head and I've been doing a pretty
(50:19):
good job of not saying it out loud. It's forward slash.
You just did it, though, thank you when you said
it wrong. Nobody said it wrong, so I was just,
you know, I was taking this opportunity when no one
said it. You're a hero, and you're a real hero, James,
and we love you for James Red, Heeney Jones, Geez Joe,
(50:40):
thank you for having me at Jeffy Greeber on Instagram.
You're gonna find more conspiracy videos about James red hair
and that the truth will reveal itself. It's out there.
I'm like so close to just shave my head to
end the argument, you know, or maybe died a different
color than red red. Let's thank our engineering producer with
(51:01):
the stars man, the fine folks that I heard mediampumpum.
I'm Kevin Pollic, your host. We'd love to hear for
you if please continue to write to us at your
name here too, to this dot com. Until next time,
I'll baby,
Welcome back to another episode about me. I'm your host,
Kevin Paul. Here's that Kevin? Can I use the third wish? First? Yeah? Great,
talk to you tomorrow. But I digress. Let's meet Aracola?
Shall we? No particularly order? Say a lot of Craig
cast keep the cow favorite book as a teenager. Oh,
(00:25):
probably Stephen King's The Stands, which is the reality that
we're now living in. Test right, Well, I don't think
I could have gotten through that one. I was a
very advanced reader. Still happy now, James, Yeah, I struggled
with that book. I didn't finish it until after college. Okay, Well,
(00:45):
I can't wait to get to you in this order
of introduction so we can talk about don't throw a
Mama from the train. It's christal Vado Cree free to be.
When was the last time you measured your height? I? Um,
it was about six months ago. Because I'm I'm six three,
(01:08):
and people always they go like like, no one believes me. Sometimes. Um,
So I had a physical done and while I was there,
I said, will you measure me? They're like okay, And
so we went over and I said, go ahead and
push that thing right really nice and hard down on
my head. What's my height? I'm six three, So everybody relax.
(01:29):
Can I offer up a couple of comments observations. First
of all, people in your life were not believing your
six three. Lose them their quick sand They gotta go.
Second of all, how did you get a doctor's appointment
three weeks ago? That sounds awesome. No, not three weeks.
I think I said three months ago. You probably did
(01:50):
trick question stuff. I've got to stop dozing off during
these replies before all, before the things we're in now,
I just had yeah, my normal physical Yeah, yeah, I
went to a doctor during it, and it was not
easy getting in. They don't want to hear from you
unless you've got serious problems. Uh, movie Krumba, it's Carla
(02:15):
Kakowski c C and me. What's the best time for
Joey Greer to call you? Um, three am? Because I
definitely won't pick up. Oh hey, here comes James end h.
What's your problem with tomatoes? Uh? Well, first of all,
it's not really that it's a problem with tomatoes, but
(02:37):
they're so acidic they can ruin a cast iron pan.
If you haven't really uh made sure to break it
incorrectly with cast iron oil. But after that, it's just
that they're dangerous. Tomatoes are dangerous. Period. Is cast iron
oil different from castor oil? I don't know. I don't know.
I got a cast iron pan and it came with
(02:58):
cast iron oil, and I've been breaking it in then
very carefully, not making pasta sauce in the newcast iron
PANU alright, I knew this was the question for you
and last, but mayor style be crimpt if you think
of least it's Joey Greer, Margie. What was the longest
car ride you were on and what do you remember
(03:18):
from it? The longest car ride I've ever taken is
from Los Angeles to Miami, Florida. Did that twice, And
what I remember from that is uh, annoying the hell
out of my friends the last leg of the trip.
I cannot believe they didn't know that was coming. I
remember what I did. I kept on repeating the monologue
(03:40):
from taking I have a very particular set of skills,
skills I have acquired over a long time, skills that
will make me a nightmare for people like you. If
you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end
of it. But if you don't, and I just kept
doing that. And on your way to Miami, where whereabouts
did that stuff that started in about Louisiana. Louisiana, Okay,
(04:03):
and it's a it's a long drive down Florida. It's
a straight shot. There's not much so I had one
of my buddies microt it was highlight of the trip.
Bless us all, everyone, Let's do a damn show. Most
of our scene suggestions come from your listening emails. The
rest of our patron v I p s. If you'd
like your listener email scene suggestion read on the podcast,
(04:25):
please send one to us. I love reading them and
replying right to your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here. See. Number one comes from listener Danny,
who wrote, Hello you wonderful, funny folks. Not going to
bore you with a long story about my love for you, Danny.
The least worthy suggestions are the best. Here goes but Pizza,
(04:49):
small town Sheriff, Oh, small town southern Sheriff. Sorry, keep
up the great work. Danny from Canada. Order up. I
welcome to Butts Pizza. I'm sorry, I was just saying
I can't stop eating pizza. Yeah, I get that. Yeah,
so um, what would you want this time? Cheryl? Do
(05:10):
you want mozzarella? You want to button? Just a regular?
But yeah, just regular? But pizza, candy, candy, candy, candy?
Hate up? Let me let me take take Sheryl? Hey, Cheryl, Hey, Tom? Yeah,
I love it. I I can't stop eating it. I've
(05:31):
gained so much weight and I don't even care because
but pizza is for me. When are you gonna give
me your phone number? When are you gonna get divorced?
I sat up working on that. Okay, okay, well let
me know. So have the kids? Where the kid for
a little bit, you know what I mean? And then
boom bang the world is Tom? Do you mind if
(05:53):
I go on break? I'm just like really prag My
feet are killing me. Okay, do a little spin before
you leave you poo Candy. I have to know, like,
what are you going to name your baby? Oh? Regardless
of gender? Tom, because I just love my husband so much.
He's my husband. Okay. You know, I think you're such
(06:20):
a good singer. I think you should get back together
with your band. Oh my god, I would love to.
I love to get back together with my band when
we were in high school. I thought for sure you
were going to be the next Aerosmith. Yeah, we all did.
And then um and then I waited a long time
to get married, to get pregnant. And that's life. So
(06:40):
you're break your break or is a breakover? Or what's
were we at? Candy? I want to give you my number.
You can call me any time, but only you, Okay, okay,
all right, all right, I'm writing it down. Here's your pizza,
sliding it across the counter. I'm taking my butt pizza
(07:02):
and I'm going home. Thank you, Tom to man holding
onto this number, the paper is just too heavy for me,
right now? Sure? Sure? Yeah, Well I reckon, I'd like
to get myself a slice of pizza. Okay, which one
of you guys? Can I order a slice of pizza
(07:23):
from me? I'm the owner? Alright, oh the owner? Well
what do you reckon? Uh? Not to interrupt you, but sheriff,
I think you should order the butt pizza. It's just
a recommendation, is it? Can I ask? What is that
on that? But pizza? You cannot? It's a secret, family
(07:44):
family secret. Can you just don't one thing? Is it? Actually?
But because I don't, I reckon. I don't want to
have any butt in my mouth. Is but family secret,
and my secret. You can always go with the cheese
if you like, Sheriff. Cheese is so boring, Sheriff, I
thought we were going straight to the jail. Could you
at least take the handcuffs on while we're in on,
(08:05):
I gotta get myself a pizza. It's a it's a
mandatory break, and I'm gonna order some pizza. What say
you about a butt pizza? Would you eat a butt pizza?
I would not eat a butt pizza? What what? What
crime did this man commit? Exactly? That's been my point.
You called that, I read you. You're right, Okay. What
(08:26):
the thing is is we don't know for sure that
he is the perp that did it, but he is
very strikingly similar to somebody that's been selling fraudulent insurance
around that ain't me. Well, we're gonna find out. The
court of law will tell us. I mean, everybody needs insurance.
You have, you're having shirts here and at this at
this pizza. Shut up about your goddamned shirts there so
(08:53):
but pizza. You wouldn't need it. I'm not gonna eat it.
I guess I'll just don't jump it until you've tried it.
I don't know. One slice of cheese, one slice of
butt pizza? Look, I don't know if you're gonna which
one am I having? Well I'll let you try on
a beach and then we'll split the pizzas. Pizza. Don'ty
(09:17):
running out of butt back here? Okay, that's what we got.
Eighty six but pizza. You can eighty six but pizzas
on the sign? Yeah, well, what do you want me
to do? Run out of butts? Okay? Get some more butts?
How simple is this? Some more bucks? Man? I've been
going to the goddamn and digging up bodies and ship
and they're trying to get these butts. Man, all right,
there's no more. You've been going where to good? How'm
(09:40):
going to the more at a mortuary? And what we
mean when we say butt pizza? These are cow butts,
you fucking asshole. Oh fuck, we've been serving human I'm
gonna get into so much trouble if you keep coming
by and buying all the butts. My boss, My boss
(10:01):
is really suspicious. We haven't let the families know because
they're covered with clothes, their butts are covered. But my
boss knows. My boss sees the body's naked, and he
notices that the butts are gone. What do you want
me to do? How do you want me to give
you guys a lifetime and supply free butt pizza? Done? Done,
I can do that. I just feel like it's kind
(10:22):
of gross. Come on, now, you're gonna turn like this
a couple of New Years. Do you know what we
were doing before? You said? Yes? Oh yeah, but it
was good money and I don't make a lot of
money here. I don't know. I feel real bad about
putting those bodies in the grail without any foots. Come on,
come on, relax, relax, relax. We all know, we all
know when you go up to heaven you don't need
a butt, but you're useless in heaven. Okay, because how
(10:43):
are they gonna sit? I've heard you're the best mortician
in town, and uh, this is a little bit of
a wild card. But my sister was was a dancer
for many years and she was known for her for
her prominent, strong dairy air. And could you arrange the
casket so that she's uh, how do I put this
(11:05):
butt up? Um? Well, are you sure that that was
her best feature, because oftentimes with dancers, it's the nose
that people compliment. The nose. The nose, I mean typically
if the legs or the butt. I think, I mean
she was she was not a looker. She was not
(11:26):
a looker. So we're really trying to de emphasize the
face and emphasize the butt. So no face all, but
is what you're asking. Yeah, you are the mortician. I'm
the mortician's assistant. Oh, sinday, is her problem, No sir,
no problem. We're just talking about how to display a body. Oh,
(11:48):
very well, we can display it however you'd like. They
were here too to we We aimed to please, as
they said, her butts gone. She has no but she
has no butt anymore. It's gone. Listen, just because these
struct are deceased doesn't mean that. No. Literally, I cut
her butt out and gave it away. Gave it away. So, sheriff,
(12:11):
what do you think, do you? I reckon, it's like
a hooting nanny in my mouth. I really I lack
butt pizza. In fact, I'd like the whole I would
like to order a whole pie. But shareff, come on
in here, pizza for everybody, pizza down. There's a case
(12:33):
that you gotta hear about. Somebody over you right here.
Let me stop you right there. I've got my hands
fulled with this possible insurance for all salesman. All right,
young man, young man, before you leave, how about a slice?
Yeah me give him one of those slashes of the
(12:55):
butt pizza. Okay, but pizza, Hey, Tony, we got any
more but pizza back? You're ready to go? But beza,
come up? Six were eight? Six? But pizza? But what
are you talking about? I told you just sucking kidd
and look at this primo ass. Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about. I'm sorry. I need my butt back. I
(13:18):
need but back. What are you doing? I need my
butt back. There's really she's a dancer. They want to
see your butt. This is pre look pizza her body.
I just need the butt. The rest of the body
is useless to me. I just need the But this
is but pizza so much other body, Cindy, this is
butt pizza. This is an elbow pizza. This isn't going
(13:39):
to the back here. What is going on back here?
I need my pizza. I need it now. I need
my butt. I need it now. That's what I need
to we need but pizza? What do you need any
But I don't care what it is. It doesn't have
to be that. But if that's not the butt that
you can give right now? What's what's somebody? Explained's going
I'm the owner, obviously, what's going on here? Tony, Tony,
(14:02):
you're you're you're my head pizza guy? What's who's your
who's your supplier here? What's going on? Talk to me,
Jimmy here gets all the butt, sir. And he made
some joke earlier about he couldn't go back to the
graveyard or the morgue or whatever the funk. I'm just
trying to put the butts into seats, if you know
what I'm saying. So, what's what's the what's the what's
the joke? Yeah, Jimmy, what's the sectuary? Mortuary? Yeah? I
(14:25):
said mortuary. And Jimmy, what where are you getting these
cowbuts from? They're not cow butts? Boss? There are you getting?
Are you getting me? Pick butt? Pig butt is inferior.
They're gonna know No, No, I'm getting you top of
the food, but don't get the lava. But I'm giving
you a human but what I thought, he said, a
(14:46):
human bud. Everyone's been eating human butts. I don't know
what else to tell you. Yeah, oh, here's what you
can tell us. Uh, do you get a good lawyer? No? No, no, no, Tony, Tony, Tony,
are sounds have been up? Yeah? I'm the fucking demon
Barber of Fleet Street. If you know what I mean here? Huh?
I kind of do you know? Sweeney Todd? Yeah? Yeah,
(15:10):
you know? Okay, a musical, sure, I mean I prefer
swing the Green if we're gonna talk about eating humans.
But let's go with this, Sweeney Todd. Dude, Fine, look
the point is I'm into it now, you miss what
what are you coming here for this? For this butt? Yeah?
I need my butt back. I'm so sorry. I can
maybe get you some more next week. Why don't I
(15:32):
give you some dope you can form a butt? Everyone's happy, sheriff. Ohyo,
he huh? Your mouth ate full? Okay, alright, fine, if
you want to tell me whatever you want to tell me,
you got thirty seconds. But I'm trying to enjoy my
state required break. All the bodies at the mortar are buttless?
(15:57):
What that sounds like a real crime? Wall Hell, it
also sounds like I could be an insurance problem. Is
it something you set up? Your son up? A bitch?
You think I set it up? Sheriff, You've ever wondered
about the irony of my twin brother works for you
as a deputy, and you y'all bring me in with
(16:20):
it with all these wild accusations of crimes all the time.
I do that. I reckon that might be something that's
a problem. What do you do about butts? But but
oh no, oh my god, is this but pizza human?
Oh god, oh dear, that's right, Tony locked the door.
(16:47):
All right, I'll look at myself. I got it. I
got it. It's all locked up. What do you want
from all right, Sheriff, We're in a real situation here.
Give us your ass. I giving nobody my ass. And
I feel like I'm pretty angry because I feel like
I've been eating ass all morning. You have, you've been
(17:10):
enjoying it, right, So that's what the kids mean today
when they say they love eating as. Not Tony, I
keep telling you they mean actual Oh yeah, serving actual ass.
I've been eating ass out of this shop all day,
and I'm not happy about Wait wait, wait, wait, where's
(17:31):
my wife? Anybody seen my Wife's seen one? No, I refused,
where's my wife? So? S two comes from Patroon v
(17:54):
I P. Who wrote Kevin an Amazing Alchemists. I have
listened to all the others many many times and was
really confused. How come this is so funny? What is
the alchemy? But now I'm onto you. You just took
three of the absolute best improvisers in the world, Craig,
(18:15):
Chris and James. Then you added an absolute, complete, unpredictable
madness from Joey and Vanessa. For everyone else to combine
madness from Joey and Vanessa would kill the scenes. But Craig,
Christ and James are true champions and always find the
funny route. Enough fast kissing. Here's my scene suggestion. I
love this guy. I'm unbelievable. Count excuse me, A confident
(18:36):
Count Dracula asked for directions and Sarah sort sort of Florida.
Sarah Sota Florida. Please keep doing the podcast forever. All
Rich from Copenhagen, Denmark. Yes, sir, how many of your party? Uh? Two? Alrighty,
right this way? No, no, sir, we're seating every other
(19:00):
their table. Oh so if I could put you a
little further away from these thongs. Uh well um, and
thank you for wearing your mask. And I ask where
you got that one? My wife made it very cool.
How's this table? Folks? Well, it's fine, maybe it's fine.
(19:21):
It's you got the view of the alligator pond? Yeah? Okay, yeah,
thank you. All right, Synthy will be your server, so
she'll be by shortly. Thank you again so much for
coming to Larry's House of Pain. Thank you? How's the pain?
What was that? Nothing? Babe? I just want to say
(19:42):
I'm really proud of you. I know it's been weird
recently and you're kind of having a funk and I
like that. You're like, we're going out. Look, we're out,
we are out, We're doing it. This is nice. This,
it's nice. It's it's nice to get out. I just
feel did you hear what that guy said? How did
you paint? Do you even see? How's a pancakes? To
be honest, that's what Okay? I thought it was crazy.
(20:07):
What can I get to drink for you? You guys
look great? Thank you? Is it too early to drink? Maybe?
Do it? Do it? Can I just say that you
seem very confident. What you seem very confident? Yeah, like
(20:29):
when you walked in, I kind of noticed you right away,
Like you walked in like you ruled the roost. Yeah, yeah,
I mean I'm not hitting on him, don't worry. I'm
just saying, please, hey, I get it. I get it.
This man is confident. It just seems like the kind
of guy who knows what he wants and when he
wants it. So if you want to drink at eleven am,
do it, buddy, and you know you have bloody mary.
(20:50):
Look at him. Furthermore, this guy knows everything. He's like,
he's like a human encyclopedia. I mean, do you know
what encyclopedias are. I've never heard of that. It's like
wick Pedia. But go ahead, go ahead. Why don't I
explain this? Why I don't explain this? Yeah, you're right,
I have it. So encyclopedias, we're back when we used
to have all of our information and found books paper. Uh,
(21:14):
and well it was like that, but it's like Wikipedia,
but separate and not as much. By the way, are
specials today? Okay, wait, but we could count on what
was inside of the encyclopedia to be right. Oh, no
matter what, m are you? Sure, yes, yes, you're confident exactly.
(21:36):
But steaks are the special today. So if you want
a butt steak, just let me know. But steaks, but steaks,
and I'll have an orange an orange juice please, and
an orange juice soeless sunrise, baby, baby, baby, it's a disease.
I have a drinking problem. He thinks I can just stop.
I don't know when he says it, though, it seems
(21:56):
like it's the right answers. Bring it to me, well,
and we'll give it a shot. Actually, on second thought,
you're right. I shouldn't push that on you. Just orange
bloody mary. Okay, okay, bloody mary, orange juice. But steak
anyone but steak, Oh gosh, confident, confident, confident steaks right now? Yeah, right, Sorry,
I'm sorry. I'll be back and enjoy your time at
(22:19):
House of Pain. Thank you. Maybe maybe, maybe maybe nobody
knows it's in your head. What do you mean nobody
knows you're a vampire. I am so sorry. It is
over at the table. But I saw Cyndy over here
and I thought, you know, there's just some kind of
something about you, sir that is just so attractive I'm
(22:42):
not hitting on him. I am not hitting on him.
But I get it. I get it, I get it.
I tell you what. Oh my gosh, sir, I think
you're the best. I want to be your loyal follower.
I'll do anything you ask and anything you want me
to do. Okay, okay, okay, calm down. This is a
public place, all right. Okay, I'm cutting my hand. I'm
cutting my hand open right now at the table, at
(23:05):
the table, under the table. Go go go go go
go go go go go go. Okay, okay, time to
sit back down, sir. Bye bye. Look at you, Look
at you. Look at my man. You're been flourishing. Yeah,
(23:27):
it's just nice to be able to wear a mask
in public, cover up when you go out. I think
that's it. I love what I'm saying. All the two
thousand years i've been alive, nothing has been quite this exhilarating.
I love it. I love it, and I'm sorry I
never let you buy me in the neck. And I'm
(23:48):
one day I'll die and you'll have to live on
without me or no. So I'm looking over here at
your different things to do in Sarah Sota, and I
was wondering if there's any information you have about Dracula
about Dracula, Yes, um no, we do have you know,
(24:13):
we do have access to the beach. Uh. You know
we also have There's there's ten different microbreweries in town,
so you know there's a beer walking tour that I
can set you up with. I have hunted Jackal and Hide.
I've hunted all the beasts obvious, the old world, and
the one that still eludes me. Jacklin had the same guy. Yes,
(24:33):
but it's too You're actually dealing with two different things.
It's not just one guy. So it's two different whole
two different personalities you have to contend with to angle.
I don't know, I am. Everyone always wants to debate
this everywhere I go, everywhere. I really don't want to.
(24:53):
You you don't, Oh I brought it up. Well maybe
I fucking died, Okay, but no one talks about thing, sir.
Oh isn't to give a ship to this fucking kids? Here,
there's a wolfman on the loose. It's gonna fucking eat
your kids. How about that scary ship? Okay, Now there's
a wolfman on the loose, Yes it is. Okay, there's
always a fucking wolfman on the fucking loose. Okay, she
spreads like fucking wildfire. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna need
(25:16):
you to I'm gonna need you to leave the Sarah
Soda Tourist. I guess I'll fucking get out if he's
an't give me a fucking second? Hello? Hello? How how
do I answer this? Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you pix?
Can you answer this phone? I suppose this could be
(25:38):
my Is this my phone? Okay? Sorry? Well, first of all,
I need you to leave, sir, and I am going
to answer this phone call, which clearly the landline on
my desk. Answer my phone, please, Sarah Sota Tourist Bureau. Yes,
I was wondering if you could recommend the hotel in
(26:00):
your area? Uh? Sure? What price point? Are you looking for?
Skies the Limit? Does? Sky is the Limit? Well? Into
a Dracula? Very late chicken? Okay? How later are we talking?
Need night? Midnight check in chut? Okay? What one second? Now?
(26:26):
Stop whispering things at me, sir, I'm trying to sky
is the Limit? Come on? Who says that I told
my dad to come visit us? Since well, I told
him to come visit us I've been able to go
out in public wearing my mask. He's getting a hotel nearby.
Oh god, it's not gonna be bad. He's gonna treat us.
(26:48):
It's going to be wonderful. Bloody Mary to kill as
sunrise or is it orange juice? I brought both. I
wasn't sure. I'll drink. I'll drink on a beach and
just another orange jew out. Just sorry, I got you.
Let's just kiss and make it better under the table,
(27:08):
on the table the tele okay, how go baby, go
co co co co co. Just okay. I need all
the information on the hotel that you provided this my phone. Hello, Hello, Hello,
(27:31):
is this a pope? No, No, this is Carl. Look.
How are your insurance going? How's mind shut? Honestly not
so good. Uh. I've changed different providers over the centuries,
and uh, you know, fluctuating and prices in my return
but not Yuh. What if I told you for just
fourteen dollars a month you can get a one million
(27:53):
dollar insurance policy on anything you own. Holy hold on
one second, just give me one second. I have to
take the second was just like moved to the back
of the line. I just need information on sea World. Okay, yeah, okay,
there's a lot of pamphlets. I just pick one up.
Lady Jesus cry specific questions about are the dolphins abused?
Like it will my children feel unsafe? Don't you have
(28:15):
a Wikipedia? Just look at that up? Hello, Yes, I
I can answer that the dolphins are abused, your children
will feel unsafe? And SeaWorld in Orlando. I know it's okay,
but that's not You're at the Sarasota Tourist Bureau. Okay,
far that's three hours. We're Gulf coast. Yeah, I mean
it's three hours. I've literally lived in Florida my whole life.
(28:35):
I've lived before it in my whole life. Well then,
alrightist guide, so it's not a competition. Please bring the
phone back to your ears. Oh sorry, I didn't realize
you were still no, clearly you did not. Okay, Well,
there is a four seasons that and they do have
availability tonight. Which seasons are the least thing? I imagine
(29:02):
all four being? Uh? Is this a test? Spring? Summer, autumn,
and winter? Damn it? Well those four seasons? Name? Please
count blood count vlod Okay, I have you here? Uh
(29:25):
one room, single queen smoking. Is that correct? I'm study
it sounded like you said, queen. Yeah, yeah, I have
you here for queen balcony smoking. I specifically requested, let
me see what and what's your budget here, sir skies
the limit? Sky is the limit? Okay? Well we do
(29:48):
have the penthouse available, that's the one. Okay, okay, terrific.
Well you're all set up here. That will be Did
you get my request for a very very late check Yes, yes, yes,
anybody who stays in the penthouse can come and go
as they played frankly, neither day, midnight, midnight. Sure that
(30:09):
works for time I would check out. Okay, okay, we're
I know that accident. Is that Austian Europe? Oh? I
thought it was Australian, let's say Eastern Europe. Betwin us okay,
fourteen dollars and that's it has a million dollars for
life insurance. Is that right? Yeah? Yeah, that's that's right.
(30:30):
Just I'll send you a paypaling and then you you
send me the fourteen dollars and then well a million
dollars on anything you own. Yeah, yeah, okay. So I
normally work in gold coins. I have a lot of
gold coins I'll be able to sell you one second.
Feel free, feel free to step out of the tourist
bureau to take this call at any point. Free. I
(30:52):
do feel free to step out, but I found to
stay in because apparently did anybody caught in line? Okay,
there's not fucking rules here, are you Irish? Alright? Baby? Um,
so you've had your fill, you had a couple of steaks,
you ate two bodies. Do you think him to go
home or well? That was the thing I wanted to
(31:13):
just surprise you. We're going straight to the hotel to
see dad. With this newfound confidence, I'm not gonna take
no for an answer. Okay, yes it is. Do you
know how to get there? Yeah? It's the four Seasons?
Which which East or West? Ring? Ring? Ring Ring Ring, Ring, Ring,
(31:35):
Ring Ring, the second ring Ring Ring. Hi? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was trying to get in contact with Rubusha Rambusha.
Y Okay, hold on a second, here you go, Hello,
Hey Rubusha, Hey, what's up? We're getting the band back together.
(31:58):
Don't mess around. I'm serious. I'm on my break right now.
We're getting the band back together. I thought you were pregnant.
I am I am, I am I am Oh my god,
that is so arrowsmith of you. Right, got it? Listen? Okay,
where where? Where? Where? When? Where? When? Where? Right now?
(32:19):
Okay I'm in a small town, my husband. Where we meeting?
Start the band back up? Oh my god? Oh of course. Yeah. Okay,
I'm thinking exactly where we left it off. Okay, the warehouse,
right out the warehouse. Okay, okay, I have one more
question for you. I have a tequila sunrise and orange
juice right in front of me. Which one should I drink? Well,
(32:40):
you have that you have a drinking problem. Okay, you're seriously,
seriously just drink the o j Okay. If that's in
front of you, just just walk away. Okay, okay, just
see you. Wait, so you tell me where you didn't
tell me when? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Yes,
(33:02):
is this room southings? Uh? Huh? Was the front desk,
but yeah, it's the kind of the same thing. What
kind of get it? I'm waiting on my buttstak extremely Okay,
let me call the kitchen real quick. In one second,
brin brink, brink, brink, brin brink, brink, kitchens and tourist,
(33:28):
You're gonna get it. Hello, I think the lines across.
Who's who's on the other line calling the kitchens? This
is the Sara, this is the kitchen, the kitchen. Who
who's on the line. Okay, happening? I have had a day.
Why it's too eight am? Why am I still doing this? Kids?
(33:48):
This is great. We're having a good time. The dolphins
are totally safe mine. Okay, they're they're not there. There
there's a wolfman in the pool. Scenes a lot of
money on these tickets. Okay, you're safe, You're safe, You're safe.
(34:12):
That is seen too scanty skitty time. Scene three, let's
see who do we see? Three? Comes those from becks
who wrote Hi guys, Becks again, I suggested the taxa
dermos who was taking animals from the zoo. I am
just finishing law school and cannot tell you how many
times this podcast has given me the break and distraction
(34:34):
I needed from school, especially in this last year. I
have a suggestion. An aspiring criminal finally gets selected to
commit his first crime, which he successfully does. Misunderstanding what
a crime scene clean up crew does, he calls one
to cover his own tracks. Thanks becks. Alright, alright, alright, um,
(35:03):
so we have a couple of things to do today.
We gotta still um one trans am. We gotta still
trans am. We gotta break into that paunch shop on Third.
We need a couple of necklaces there. And it's about it. Tommy.
I thought Tommy two shoes was taken the the last
one there. Yeah, yeah, Tommy. He's having Tommy issues, he said.
(35:27):
So Tommy's having tem Mey issues. He's gonna get the
nickname tell me issues Tommy. Well, that's up to you.
So listen, I don't know either one of us can
do it or or that kid be in the bar. Now,
it'll be one of us, all right. So who wants
the Who wants to take the punch up? Yeah? Um,
(35:48):
I don't know if it's okay, but I would I
would like to take the paunch up. I've been to
that paunch up a hundred times. This kid, get over here.
I used to smoke in the alley behind it. I
could you know the building pretty well? Yeah? I know
the building pretty well. First of all, you heard him,
he said, come in get over there. Okay, okay, all right, Jesus,
(36:12):
look at this. I've played Assassin's Creed. I've a lot
of g t A. I I think I'm ready for
I could do this paunch shop thing. When does it
have to get done by this afternoon? Oh? My god,
this afternoon. Look, look, fellas, I don't know. I think
this gets funny, killing me funny funny? Uh? Also, um,
(36:36):
mask or uh, let's you guys? Have you guys have
to wear a mask? Am I gonna do it solo?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So your question was mask and
you wanted to stay answer if you were doing it
solo or not? Well, if we were doing it as
a group, are we all going to wear the same time,
(36:57):
we'd all have like the same bask on and listen, kid,
you got this, Okay, whatever you want to do, you
got the green light. Whatever you want to look at that,
get the green light. Okay. Wow, A lot of people
wait all day for the green light. I got it. Okay.
How can I help your kid? Oh? Hey, um, well,
I do you have any acoustic guitars that are just
(37:19):
motherfucker freeze? Motherfucker? Okay, put your hands up, put your
hands up, motherfucker. Okay, Okay, what do you want? Oh,
give me all the money in your register first, that's
the first thing. And uh, it's uh, it's ten am.
You're the first customer today. Okay, that makes sense. I
(37:42):
mean I've got a drawer of you had about fifty
bucks in the drawer. Okay, Hey, Duncan, Duncan, I need
my wedding ring back. Man, I need my wedding ring back.
Put your hands up, motherfucker. Okay, I need Come on, yeah,
he better get his wedding ring back. I'm gonna see
you mother. Okay, all you motherfucker's I have a gun. Okay, everybody,
(38:03):
put your hands out. If you calm down for one second.
This guy is willing to pay cash to get his
ring back. You might get that cash, okay, okay, okay,
but you gotta let me handle this transaction. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Now he's going to use our grocery money
to get his ring back because he made bad decisions.
I'm sorry, baby, I'm here now, right all right, Duncan.
(38:24):
What what do I are you for? The for the ring?
It's seven the ring Jesus Christ. She gave me four
the door. We paid two fifty from Walmart. Oh shit, shit,
oh shit shit, oh ship, oh shit, you wait did
you just shoot me? I shut everybody, I shut everybody. Okay,
(38:48):
maybe it's just a baby gun. You're fine, that's a
pop gun. Pop gun. That hurt. She just stung a
little bit. But I've been through childbirth three times, so
whatever do you mind if I praise that gun? This
bb gun? Yeah, this is this is nice. It looks
like an antique. This is a vintage baby gun. This
is a this is the red Ryder gun like from
(39:10):
Christmas story. I love that. Oh yeah, it's I didn't
know it was. It was that old. You know, I'd
be willing to take this off your hands for baby.
Steal that gun. You gotta steal that gun. That's my gun.
I work for an organized crime group. Guys. H no,
(39:32):
I've been working with a lot of guys. Back, hold
on one second. I'm gonna pull them up on the phone. Okay, okay, okay,
hold on, somebody's gonna answer. Duncan. I gotta get that
rifle from you, man, Come on, look, I don't have
the rifle yet. You know. Transaction at a time online.
(39:53):
If you'd like to be transferred to a Boss Press one,
If you'd like to be transferred to a Edie Press too,
If you'd like to be transferred to a representative. Press
This is more organized than most organized crime. What's does
anybody know what a consiculary is? You're in the crime family.
(40:13):
You don't know what a console areas? Okay, you know
what I'm gonna go with. Three? Okay, hold on your
motherfucker's hold on. You're gonna really regret this. You have
selected speak with a representative? Which representative? Would you like
to speak to? Clean up crew? Would you like to
speak to a clean up crew? Yes? Press one? I
(40:38):
thought it was there one press Press one, I pressed it.
It's uh, you have selected dirty boys? Shall I help you? Hi? Uh?
This is uh. I don't want to use my real
name right now because I'm in the middle of a robbery.
It's kind of gone bad. Make sure you get his names?
(41:01):
Did get his name? Listen? So we can't we can't
move forward with that without a name. It's Philip. It's Philip. Okay, okay, Philip?
Which one third? Yeah, that's the one. Um, So probably
it needs some people to put a couple on the
back of the heads of these coconuts. What are you
(41:24):
talking about? Sorry, boys, clean up crew? You know what
that means. It means when you make a mess. We
clean it up. Yeah, Oh, there's a big mess here there. Whatever, No,
they got my they got my gun. Lookay, I'm gonna
put you on a hold. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna
(41:44):
put you and you should listen to the press star
and you know, to get a menu again. Give me
one second. Okay, alright, guys, you guys are all going
to regret it. I'm think they talked to the boss
press one alright, six six hundred. That's my final offer.
(42:06):
Get a gun for me. I want that gun. You
I canna rob me. I'm part of a big crime family.
To conticularly selected, use your muscles, okay, okay, now Tom Hagen,
Oh hi, this is Philip. I'm at the pawn shop
(42:28):
and uh I need I need a cleanup crew to
help me out here. Philip, I need the last name.
Oh jeez, I really shouldn't because I'm in the middle
of in the middle of a crime. Sorry, please, I'm
on the phone. I need your daddy. Yes, what's the
last name, Spencer? It's Philip Spencer. Spencer. Well, now we
(42:51):
got your full name. I think you're gonna be dead
no time since. Yeah, well that was a mistake. You
have a question. Question, listen. I wanted to use concierge
to bring in a cleanup crew. I need come. This
is not a hotel. Do you have a question. Oh please,
(43:14):
I'm in the middle of a box trappery. Okay, I
really need some help, and I'm looking address. I'm too scared.
Oh my god, we are done for real this time.
There's no crawling back on your knees. I'm sending a crew. Oh,
you guys are fucked. All right, I'll just wait now,
(43:36):
you guys are you guys are in big trouble. You're
gonna regret this. I demand respect. I'll give you a
seven hundred for the rifle, but they're they're hard to
move their specialty items, you know. Okay, pardon me. Which
one of you is the proprietor's old medallion? I would
(44:01):
like to say, Oh my god, baby, you got to
get that from me. You gotta get it. It's older
than you would to be even imagine. Can I take
a look, take a guess and a loom. Man, It
is bright outside, isn't it. Uh? Listen, listen, I I
(44:23):
don't want to get you into trouble, old man, I'm
not a monster of any sorts, but there's gonna be
some serious problems soon here, so you might want to
take your medallion and leave. Look into my eyes, girls, girls,
we got our first gig. Okay, parents, we're gonna go
to a pound shop and we're just gonna do those
set all right. We gotta clean it up, all right. Hey, hey, hey,
(44:43):
this feels right? Yeah? Alcohol, Oh my god, you do
you smell like fucking tequila? Are you drinking? I'm saying
this feels right, Oh my god, feelings and you're really drunk? Oh?
Fun school, let's play, let's shres. Okay, look, okay, okay,
(45:04):
just do what we rehearsed. Okay, this up so big.
Comeback doing exactly as we rehearsed, and if you do
it even a little bit wrong, you're out of the band. Okay,
I got it. I feel good. Okay, great, Okay, I
don't get in the car. Let's go from Bush. You're driving.
Just the price, The price is all I ask. I
(45:26):
don't know. I mean, this is uh, pick a crazy number.
I mean I can go with highest to fifty. Really
all right? Okay, uh, you men have to go into
the safe. If that's alright? I only yeah, I would
assume as much to have two and fifty thousand dollars
(45:48):
about No, no, no, no to two d and fifty
we had the deal. No we didn't. I didn't. Thousand
the word was the word thousands said and said to
fifty to fift? Yeah, two hundred fifty dollars. Oh you
are You never mentioned the safe earlier, sir? You didn't
mention the safe earlier, sir? Well it didn't come up,
(46:10):
did it? So you're a shady businessman. You would be begun.
Look into my eyes. You ought to getting sleepy baby.
I wanted to get him for me. Can you get
him like him? No? Yeah, he's like magical sevent Not yet,
(46:32):
God dammit, Oh my god, O my god, I made
a mistake. Oh my god, this is houck. Does that
ster bomb it all over? Be good? Damnit? Holy ship.
She vomited in the amp. But we can't use the ampa.
(46:53):
Now what are we supposed to do? I got amps
over here if you need more? Oh yeah, oh god?
How much of the amps? Oh you know? Let me guess.
Two fifty? I could go his eyes two fifty, Danny, Yes,
(47:18):
what are you doing here? Like my nephew, Danny I'm
actually married to your son. Life has taken a turn
for a long time. Wait a second, you look like
his cousin or someday. Is that right? Yeah? Did you
(47:38):
know that when you got married? Just a typical day
at a Sara Soda punch right show? Oh my god,
I almost passed out and then I had a little
tiny stars around my eyes. Okay, alright, let's thank rockas
please for our very last show recording of May, just
(48:04):
of May good one to go out on in the merry,
merry month of May. We thank carlicke Atkowski. Thank you
so damn much. Carla, thank you, Kevin, You're the best
I'm at Carla Kakowski on Instagram. Perfect and folks, please
check out all the shows twitch, Slash, west Side Comedy
(48:27):
ye and west Side Comedy dot com. They're up there
as well, so you can check it out. Yeah, several
of folks here in this very podcast are teaching classes.
When I say several, I think to at least James,
are you also teaching Joey Craig? No, James, but if
he wants to, he's allowed. James, Why aren't you teaching classes?
(48:47):
For good reason? So hard with all the stuff going
on point taking. Thank you Carlin, Chris Alvarado, thank you
so very much for joining us. Thanks for having me
working folks right, who to get one of those shirts? Uh?
These I don't think they're not We're not up to
quality standards yet. Yeah, yeah that's right. But you can
(49:11):
look at my shirt at Chris Overado on Instagram and yeah,
like what Carlo was saying, I was just thinking, what
a fun opportunity, uh, in the middle of all this
weird stuff to take a class from somebody you listen to.
Absolutely let's all try to better ourselves somehow. And it's
a one stop shop over there. Yeah, improv, stand up, sketch, comedy,
I mean tons of stuff over there, So check us
(49:32):
out Westide Comedy dot com. Thank you for that, Craig Atkowski. Yeah,
I asked for some chatter on the the Alchemy This
subreddit and you all really delivered because I know that
all of you are unable to convert your friends, family,
and significant others to Alchemy This, so this is your
opportunity to meet like minded people. It's working out. Thank
(49:59):
you for that. James heeney Ah, thanks for having me.
What a blast to do improv every Wednesday, seven pms
Pacific Standard time. Uh Twitch Westside Comedy Theater. It's forward slash,
and every time I hear somebody say backslash, I correct
it in my head and I've been doing a pretty
(50:19):
good job of not saying it out loud. It's forward slash.
You just did it, though, thank you when you said
it wrong. Nobody said it wrong, so I was just,
you know, I was taking this opportunity when no one
said it. You're a hero, and you're a real hero, James,
and we love you for James Red, Heeney Jones, Geez Joe,
(50:40):
thank you for having me at Jeffy Greeber on Instagram.
You're gonna find more conspiracy videos about James red hair
and that the truth will reveal itself. It's out there.
I'm like so close to just shave my head to
end the argument, you know, or maybe died a different
color than red red. Let's thank our engineering producer with
(51:01):
the stars man, the fine folks that I heard mediampumpum.
I'm Kevin Pollic, your host. We'd love to hear for
you if please continue to write to us at your
name here too, to this dot com. Until next time,
I'll baby,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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