December 21, 2021 • 58 mins
Charleston carriage guide from Sweden.
“Both” vs “Bolth.”
Backstabbing SOB.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to another episode about me this I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin? How am I?
Are you being real right now? Coming at me? Bro? No? No, no,
thank you for asking. I'm feeling a h and again,
thank you for your concern, but I digress. Let's meet
(00:23):
in no particular order. Let's quickly check in with Craig
Kowski for his year end movie preview, Cacao, Kevin, west
Side Story is coming out? Yes, uh, Spielberg's West Side
Story actual Puerto Ricans in the movie. I'm hearing, but
(00:45):
still gang members dancing ballet, so it all evens out
in the end. Heard good things though, excited and that's
that's it. That's the movie. There's also that thing with
the rock and it's on Netflix. You can watch it now.
It turns out West Side Stories takes place in Santa Monica. Uh. Now,
(01:13):
let's check it with Christoph Aarado for his end of
year surf report. Christoph, thank you. Kevin. Um, I'm actually
currently looking at the ocean this very moment, and what
it's saying to me is, though I only got incrementally
better at actually surfing, everything else in my life became
(01:35):
exceedingly better because of surfing. Wow, yeah, yeah, sen Master.
I started to realize I was judging myself, calling myself
a bad surfer because I'm still a beginner. But you know,
your body doesn't know if you're a bad surfer. You
probably knows you're getting reps out there. You probably knows
your course tightening your lower back muscles. Like Gary feels me,
and I just kind of blew, who are guest days?
(01:55):
But he feels me. I hope you feel me. God, Gary,
I love you, Thank you? Yeah? Please, come on, you're kidding?
Uh speaking to much? Hey, there's carry any Williams. Let
me just say hello America, but not hello to Puerto Rico. No.
And I know what you're saying, Gary, They're part of us,
(02:20):
as they say in their country. No. No, Marilyn Garrila,
how did you discover the truth about Santa Claus? Um?
I was looking at a painting in my aunt has
to lease house or from the south we say ain't
pesta le and my ain't has to lease house? And
there was a bridge in this painting, and I asked
(02:41):
my mom, how does Santa Claus get across there? Because
I thought about the big sleigh and it was a
tiny little surridge and she goes, you know they ain't
no Santa Claus. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was your mom
or your aunt. That was my my mom in my
aunt's house. Yeah, your mom said the final day, no
(03:04):
Santa Claus. Oh man, did you say? Yeah? You did
know and try to please. I was like, yeah, my son.
My son, however, told me when he was I guess
he was too. He was lying on his back fixing
the chimney flu with me and he looks up and goes,
there's no Santa Claus. I was like, why would you
(03:25):
say that? He was two years old? And he goes,
he would never fit down this chimney reindeer can't fly,
and he'd never make it around the world on time.
There's no Santa Clauses too to at two? Yeah, did
you enroll him at Stanford? Immediately? He's now at Brown,
but I didn't even Stanford. I'm with you, and look out,
(03:49):
it's James Ceney, Johnny Jim Jean. What is your favorite
thing about Christmas? Well, I mean, I love family. I
love being a Brown family. I like to get together
with family a few days before Christmas so I can
enjoy the actual season and then it culminates on the
big party with family. Question, if I may just for clarification,
(04:14):
because I'm feeling the passion and I'm digging it. You're
not talking about your family, right, yeah, talking about my family.
If I could get all my friends to come and
hang out with my family too, I would do that,
Like the more the merrier. My family is always well
willing to invite people in, but nobody ever, it's just us.
But it's fine. I like, we have a great time.
(04:35):
You're all invited and that and last but not even
a lump of coal. If you think oft least it's
Joey Greer chronic cock block. If you could correct a
few things that Santa does each year, what would they be? Wow?
If you think, first off, get off the book, get
on an iPad or something. I mean, let's digitize it
(04:57):
all and it's gonna take a little while to transfer
the records. And the medical industry was doing that for
like a decade or so, and that that was a
gave people job. So right, you know, I gave people jobs.
So let's just like opportunity are there. I'd also, I
know that the sleigh runs on reindeer yet the reindeer
eat coal. That's something a lot of people don't talk about.
So Santa does support the coal industry. And I think
(05:19):
it should be electric. I know it should be. I
don't even think I know it should be. And the
last thing that I would change is the outfit. Huh
outfit because you're going style or colors or what? Oh
I didn't think. I think colors are conn I guess
stay with the colors. But style has gotta change. Style
has got And I've seen a couple of movies do
(05:40):
it where they give Santa like a dope coat, you
know what I mean, kind of like a Triple X
and Diesel. I remember ven Diesel and Triple X big coat.
He's beven Diesel and Triple X. I don't know how
to describe him. And so he's he's got this big
coat and he's got like like the fur right up
on the shoulders, and it's just like he's always like
always were like a like a hermo or something that's
(06:00):
like you don't think it would I don't know how
comfy or thick the checko was, but it made sense.
It made sense. This is kind of like he's hardcore
like that he's triple X. Uh, and so Vin Diesel
and triple xes when I'm speaking and uh not in
this this. I believe the sequel ice Cube plays triple X.
But this is this is then Diesel's triple X. So
the coat that I'm speaking about is that's the new style, right,
Obviously keep the same colors, Ryan, keep it red and
(06:22):
then the white trim, the white fluff. But you know,
get that like a nice like trench er, you know
what I mean, like a thick boy. That's where you
can just like but still move. But sounds okay, Let's
do a damn show. All of our shame suggestions are
gathered from our listeners, emails or from our patron v
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and enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes that we
(06:46):
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mad a scene suggestion by email. Love to read your emails,
Please right to the podcast at alchemy This email at
(07:07):
gmail dot com that's alchemy. This email seen one comes
from patron v I P Andrew and it's a doozy,
he wrote, or they wrote, Hey alchemists, Andrew here. I've
had four of my suggestions used during the three years
i've been listening. Well, all right, good on you, Andrew,
(07:29):
pretty good. The first one was you that was used
as a new Patreon member. Kevin found it too difficult
to copy and paste my name. Yeah, well, Andrew, Uh,
so you know you spelled fucking paste wrong? All right, bro,
and you're in your little missive so U have a seat.
(07:52):
What does it say past past? Yeah, let's have a
little chuckle with Andrew. You can't instatly Andrew the bye uh.
And then he goes on to explain his suggestion, farts
that smell like subway was my suggestion, sweet sweet pride um.
(08:13):
Let's see. Just to make this clear, Joey's not holding
anyone back. I was joking. Joey brings to chaos and
I love it. Chris made me have some thoughts about
my hometown of Charleston, South Carolina with his views from
his visit. I love this place, but I also get it.
Suggestion Charleston horse Carriage tour guide from Sweden knows nothing
(08:37):
about the city, Kevin, get out of my grandma's bare bedroom,
Andrew School school scool me, sir, me and my quote
unquote wife would know quote unquote Yeah, we were legally
were married, but emotionally with common law. We we lived
(08:57):
together long enough that it was just a simple signature
in a couple years and what's coming eight years? Eight years.
We would love, we would love a tour around your city,
but preferably preferably on I'm sorry, I have I have
(09:18):
what is called chronic nova kaing syndrome. My bottom my
wife his bottom lip has absolutely no control, so it
kind of you'll notice it has a vibration to it,
and sometimes if there's wetness on the vibration, it becomes
a spray buss bus. You want me to get the
salad bar guy, the Plexi glass also, I want the
(09:42):
salad bar guy first, all right, and then I want
you also to talk to this the Plexi gas guy.
But I really want the salad bar guy over here
right now, alright, because I got some the croutons, sorry,
just some workship. But you know you say that you
guys aren't emotionally attached. But she gets you. She understands that. No, no, no,
she getting for love making gold. We are we had
(10:03):
ourself tested. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I gotta put the
salad down. I can't. I can't look at the cells
right now. I'm gonna go. Alright, guys, we're gonna need
some more baby corn over here. Let's get baby corn
over here. Good looking, good cherry tomatoes? Alright? Did you
say the cherry you want? The cherry tomatoes or the
cherry tomatoes? Which one did you want? What did they say?
(10:25):
You said chairry tomatoes? But all right, you're right, stand stand,
you're right, you're right. This is not about right a rome. Goddamnit,
this is not about righting rome. Which one do you won't? Tomatoes?
All right? I got miss misspoken. What do we do
with the tomatoes? We got a ship ton of cherry tomatoes?
Here should tomatoes? Well, well, we'll hold us off to
(10:48):
the side. Listen, today is the big day we all know. Okay,
we've got a lot of people. Were looking at three
thousand people coming through the salad bar. Okay, so I'm
sure if we ran into the tomatoes, we can use
the tomatoes some some some of the birds are eating
the tomatoes. Should we away moved the tomatoes, get rid
of the birds, Get rid of the birds, get rid
of the birds if I might. Yeah, I can kill
two of them birds with one stone if you would
(11:08):
like me to God damn stand, yes, yes, please, yes,
please give me five minutes and I will have this
place the birds. Now there's two. Okay, good, because there's
more than two birds. But yeah, sir, did you need something?
I know you're right. You work for the guy, the
horse carriage guy. Right, yeah, what's going on? You tell
(11:29):
me you're at my place of business for me? Perhaps? Yeah?
I wanted to get his sald to go please. Oh okay,
he didn't send for me. He doesn't need to hear
from me. Well not right now, he sent me. Yeah, okay, cool,
all right, So I'll just give you is you there is?
Because this is the number one tourist attraction in Charleston. Look,
(11:50):
I appreciate me and my wife. I hear you. But
all I'm saying is, I mean, the connection is so real.
I understand. It's just not a love connection. It's a
fact connection. It's a science pat connection. I'm gonna give
you all the tour, but I'm gonna give you the
Charleston Love Tour. Bu sorry you interrupt at the salad
(12:13):
guy bar? Uh with the salad guy bar? Yeah? Yeah,
what about the salad bar? Did everybody come to attention please?
All the members of the Salad of the Guy Convention.
Do I have the guys here represented as well? Ye?
(12:37):
Do I have? The salad guys can also be used
as a plate if it's just all I'm literally just realized.
I'm sorry. I called this meeting today, which is about
clear up what's it about? I wanted to clear up
who the heck it's a salad guy ball and who
(13:00):
the heck is a salad bar guy? But all the
hubbub and the hullabaloo and the Harper lore that's strolling
the heads, confusing the whole damn situation the town always
and ever no salad guy. Well see this is how
(13:22):
this is, This is why we this is why we
can have nice things but don't keep them for long. Hey,
salad guy bar, skip people. Hey, salad guys, we uh
we want to meet you guys for a little dance
off in the alley tonight. You know, Charleston's most famous alley. Okay,
(13:45):
I know this for a fact because of my brother
works that alley. The actual Puerto Ricans are down there
dancing right now, actual ones, the actual Puerto Rican you're
gonna let's meet somewhere else. Lets me somewhere else. Actual
Puerto Ricans are very they're very kind of off time
to portrayed often in cinema. It makes even afraid. Of course,
(14:07):
my father say, you can't trust the film. I just
think we should go find a different tour guide. I'm
not attached to this guy. He's too local. He's too
he's got his own idea of what he wants to
show us. People kiss over there. Maybe maybe, maybe if
we have somebody who like us, who can look at
their tool with a fresh, fresh eyes, and it would
(14:30):
be better, but be a better too far. We're fresh eyes, alright, sir.
I've got the results from the three tests we ran
regarding your lower lip and the excess salivation. Maybe we
have my wife in here, if he'd likes to take notes.
Oh sure, sure, you're inviteer on in. Maybe could you
come in. It's definitely something you want to share with
(14:53):
your wife. Thank you for letting me come in. Doctor,
I take all the notes and appointments. Did you need
a piece of paper or writing utensil? And you'll notice
I have this little iPad and I'll just what is that?
What is that? It's a it's a tablet with a pen.
It was depended through me. Well, I've got some great
news and some just okay news. Great news, I would
(15:20):
I start with a just okay news. Okay, they didn't
seamlessly work your way for a great close with the
great news. That's that's you know. My son always to
suggest that to me he's a singer. He's been on
that mass singer show. Do you know that shows mass singer? Yeah? Church,
(15:41):
it is down at the church. Yes. Did they put
a mask on and then make the kids sing? Did
you didn't tell my name? Did you? Well? No, no,
of course, He's like, that's part of the whole deals.
I can't no one can know who I am. I'm
behind the mask. Five minutes, five minutes, thank you five? Yeah? Yeah, no,
I said thank you five, I said my son. I said,
my son, okay, okay, okay, But I like daisy search
(16:03):
did they get ready? To me? Also, I'm like the
only non celebrity here you know. Do you have a
new mask this week? I do, I do? What are
you going? Uh? It's uh, well, I'm not gonna they
give it to me. It's a big bird face with
the tomato on the beach. It's supposed I guess they're
turning like it's like the Charleston State flag. Alright, so
(16:23):
I've killed all of the birds outside, there's one that
did manage to get away from me. Oh oh, sounds
like so it's a competent rival for you staying. I
would like permission that you said to stop throwing stones
at these birds and get something heavy on, some heavy atillery.
(16:44):
I'd like to shoot it in the neck. And here's
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you paid leaves
until you track down and kill this one specific bird
sounds to me like this. I'll do you for better.
I will play you to let me leave and kill this.
But this birders well, sing me. That's too. Do I
need all of them? I try to know if I
(17:07):
need you. Oh, I know you will. I know you will. Hey,
godspeed A thank thank you sir. All righty I need
more Caesar sauce. Can I get more season? And now
it's time to reveal who is the masked singer and
the bird costume with a tomato in its mouth. Please
take off your head singer. He looks like a couple
(17:34):
of different celebrities. The doctor's son. What the doctor a
commercial commercial? We need socks and you need socks that
can fit your feet. You're on What are you doing? Ted?
Why don't we just break away from this tour and
and and hire somebody off the streets. We'll just take somebody.
(17:57):
They'll be fresh. Look at that guy over there where
the non American clothing, very non American. He looks like chocolate.
And I had that snap the Trenchers chocolate. That's what
I was gonna say. Let me let me tap him
on the shoulder, excuse him me, sir, Yes, how could
(18:18):
I help you? My wife and I had a quote
unquote wife, Let me do this right my quote wife
end quote, and I need a tool of this beautiful
say so. It's like a common law thing or exactly, yeah, exactly.
(18:39):
It's actually a very common in Sweden. We were don't
don't get married very often. That's wonderful here. Now I
have taken the liberty of still in a carriage and
if you could take us on just a wild Mr.
Mr Toad ride. An that's what yes like, a Mr.
Toad's wild ride. So you to go clip and a
(19:00):
clop through. I tell Trumpston absolutely, we want to see
the highs and where less the loads, starting with the
loads and then saying left to work your way up
to the hive better. Geez jeez. Students started to interrupt
(19:28):
the Puerto Rican singing time. I went to shoot the
bird's right before my very eyes, his head threw off
and he changed into what I considered to be half man,
half bird. I don't know if a man screwed the
turkey on turkey screwed the lady. I don't know how
(19:49):
it works, but that has seen one. He said the
magic words, A man screwed the turkey, and it's the
end of the scene. Sink two comes from listener Andy.
World War three breaks out between factions of people who
(20:09):
pronounce it both and people who pronounce it both, looking
forward to finding out how this mango between a text
email and its spoken intro. Andy from San Antonio. You
can pick other one. What do you mean, you can
(20:30):
pick either one? Just choose, that's up to me. I
don't have to go to a committee. I don't have to.
I just choose, you can pick other one, okay. And
what authority are you insisting this with. I guess the
cashier's authority. Sure, I just get some sort of I'm sorry,
(20:50):
I'm a manager here. Um, is there a problem? He's
telling you you choose one or the other unless you
expected you could just both with you? Okay. First of all,
that's not how I pronounced it. Second of all, were
you watching from some monitor or something? What do you
think managers do? Yeah? I was you See that little
booth over there, There's a TV screen and I could
(21:12):
watch all four registers at the same time. So Mr,
I'm sorry, speak for the manager. Mr Thompson. Were you
sitting in the booth over there? Because I thought you
were in the booth. I was in the booth. Okay.
I'm going to go back to the back now and
finish cleaning. I am mixing color rocks with ammonia, and
I think it's going to do a great job. Thank you,
(21:35):
Thank you. I've got an eye on both of you,
so keep up the good work, right, okay? So, uh,
if we could you you were saying I could use both,
and my question is why, why is the choice mine?
What did you say and what gives you I could
(21:55):
choose from either or or you? Yeah? What did you say?
What did you say? I'm sorry, I'm waiting here in line,
but I would like to help this guy out here?
He said you could choose? Thank you both? So you
don't understand? No, I guess you don't understand. Why don't
I help you understand? Hey? Hey, hey, both of you
(22:20):
need to calm down. I can't have violent don't understand
what that mean. We don't understand what that but we
don't acknowledge a nonsense? Okay, what did you say? There's well,
how about this US two will take both of you
two out in the parking lot. Let's do let's do that.
What do you say, big guy, new best friend? Let's
do that? Yeah, to cover here, so let me just
(22:44):
put a little to cover out. Can you put a
hold on the bleach ammonia thing? And for this register,
let's kick this guy's ass. Do you guys give me
one seconds? Give me one second? Hey, he dead? Well,
can you call I know at your naptime? Son? Son,
(23:06):
It's so good to hear from you. Listen, I'm not
calling to chat. I'm calling because I need your help.
Oh it's it's just nice to hear from your son. Okay, Dad, listen,
I just need your help. I just oriented because you
woke me up from my nap. That's okay, Dad. Look,
you're huge and you're often angry. I'm a big guy.
I'm bed ridden. I haven't been outside in years. What
(23:29):
if I told you I ran into a couple of bolts.
What that's right, Dad, We're down at the We're done.
It stands liquor and I just rolled out of bed.
Mr Thompson, get back in that bed, sir. All right.
(23:53):
Both is not a Legit have been pronunciation. The word
is pronounced both. It's both, And I'm gonna where is
it again? I'm rolling. We're there. Uh listen, gentlemen, I
just want to let you know I got some backup coming.
So if you want to make a call, maybe you should.
I'm giving you fair warning. Okay, Well both of us
(24:15):
could probably bring in some recruitments. I think you should.
I think you should. Okay, this is jeopardy. Let's get
right back to it. Get ready, You've you've chosen your
category and the question and The answer is this man
killed Abraham. Lincoln killed Abraham? Easy? Easy? Who is Edgar
(24:40):
Wilkes Bull? That is correct for it's not. I'm sorry,
it's not. That's not correct. That's correct for, mayam, mayam.
I'll take potent potables for correctly correct. Also, did you
see Edgar that was on John? Will both well? John
(25:05):
and Edgar interchangeable? Is that true? It's a Latin roote?
They both have a j. Now, now that's not correct.
You didn't say it correctly. We'll take care of this
on the commercial break. Folks will be right back after
this moment. If you want socks, the best socks to get,
what are you doing? All right? Look, obviously this is
(25:25):
turned into a much bigger deal, but you guys brought
this upon yourself. As you can see, we've got we've
got the coast Guard here and uh and some parts
of the navy. Well there's no water here, so I
don't want to do there's no water. They're not gonna
be able to do anything, the navy, and I mean
(25:46):
also the merchant Marines. We're here, Yeah, the merchant Marines
are here. What are you selling now? Oh God, look
that there's a toaster that cooks bacon. What all right?
This is it's a great deal. Alright, it's gonna be
(26:06):
This is gonna be a masaker. Okay. People are gonna
get hurt, some people might even die. But I think
it's worth it because we can't live in a world
where people are willy nilly with the way they pronounce words. Understood,
understanding on do you know what's going on? I'm sorry
to say something I was in the middle of saying, understood.
What were you asking? Spring to my my seems like
(26:26):
only partner in this fight against the merchant, Marines, the Navy.
So and do toast both. No, no, no warranty because
it will never break down and it's guaranteed. Lifton, Lifton, Gortzma,
(26:48):
I speak with you in the office. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah?
You have been in my employee as a voiceover commercial
guy for how many years? Would you say? Six years? Exactly? Accurately?
Six years? You have now for forty nine attempts try
to do a sock commercial and you've let someone else
(27:08):
interrupt you. Don't you think it's time you grab yourself
by your own gonads and pull yourself up tall and
stood up at that mic and finish your commercial. Yeah,
I mean it's fine. Honestly, it's it's not that big
a deal. I'll get it done. I'm gonna show you
a photo of my dead father who died with a
frown on his face for me not finishing things. Do
you want that to be your dad? Jesus? Did you
(27:30):
dig him up? Dug him up? I done him up,
and I had to have had his face reconstructed to
make a frown, the frown that he died with. Yes,
this is a reconstructed dead man's face. Remind me again,
why would dig in this show? Well, my father died
with disappointment and I realized I didn't get a photograph
(27:51):
of it. So I want to dig him up now
so I can show employees as well as friends what
he looks like when you disappoint some How long has
he been in this hole? I mean six years? I hope,
right right? That's going to be a pretty gruesome grimace
on his face. That is not yours to decide how
is primace is going to look. Your job is to
dig him up that you then gently let me slide
(28:13):
twenty dollars in your back pocket, all right? When you
say gently I already did it. Does that answer your question? Damn, God, damn,
you're good, You're very good. Oh, both full both both
full folk. Here at the beginning of World War three,
(28:37):
you can see two factions are entering the fighting film
doing their chance. We're gonna pull one of them aside
right now and speak to him. Hello, serremy, I speak
with you both. Yeah, how can I help you? Yeah,
I'm sorry getting wreck. You're chanting and you're worring. But
it seems that you have a real bone to pick
with the other side over a simple l in a word.
(29:00):
Do you think this is the way you want to
see the world in? Yeah? I think so. Okay, go
back to it. I'm here, He's god damn bull fiends.
(29:29):
There's two of them right there. Once you step up now,
I don't specifically want to fight you over this. You're
bigger than I, begger than everybody here, everybody here. But
let me ask you, how do you spell the word
both spe Oh h h, that's not it's I don't
(29:56):
know what to tell you. I don't know. Please stop
holding my shirt set tight. Hello, everyone, Welcome to the
Miriam Webster Society. We just had in from the Battle
film a request to add the letter not only to
the alphabet, but to the Miriam Webster Dictionary by either
(30:17):
a show of hands or applause. It's so hard when
we do the applause voting to really know, because Carrie
always makes a lot of noise and I only have
like I can't. Can we just do regular voting with
raising of hands? Who would like by a show of
(30:37):
hands or applause to vote with only raising of hands?
And we like that by a show I think that's
very good, very good. Then we will merely go with
a show of hands. Who would like the letter both
added to the Miriam Webster Dictionary by show of hands? Okay?
(31:01):
Can you count out loud? Because it's hard for me.
The reason I use that i'm legally blind. I wish
I could. That's why I always ask. Some of the
people in the audience are raising two hands and they're
putting him a kind of like cactus style away from you,
and nobody comes in around you know what I mean.
They're doing some serious work and they're making sure that
let us get put in correctly and the word just
(31:23):
pronouncing all that in that book, So just just let
into few people is that what. No, No, No, nobody
in around, No nobody. I know people I recognize, Let
them in. No nobody, cousins. What do you tell nobody?
No one in around? Excuse me? Let me just get
by you. I'm Lancaster Meriam. No, no, not nobody, nobody
(31:53):
in around. Excuse me here part of nobody? Do you
know who I am? Clearly not. I'm Dictionary Dennist, Dictionary, Diary.
You got Webber and Dictionary. Look getting I am not
(32:16):
a Webber or a Webster. Good Sir, Mercaster, Miriam, Dictionary.
Excuse me? I need to mean going on there? Right,
We're not let anybody go inside. I just stand. Do
you know who I am? No? I don't know who
anybody Bryan Britannica. Let me in there. No listen, Brian Skater,
(32:39):
Wait a second, scatter you you're mistaking me for what
are you talking with. Look there's a lot of dead people.
Look at all these cars overturned and on fire. Your
entire shop is smoldering ashes. Yeah, I've also overturned it
on fire. I know, Pops, I know, Pops. It's gonna
(33:00):
take a while for them for the flames to get
to any part of me. That that's serious. What do
you say we end this war? I say we're doing good,
the two of us versus all you assholes. I think
we've got something. So you don't want to end the
war no way. We've taken on the merchant Marines, the Navy,
your father, the coast Guard, and you're happy with this.
(33:25):
You're happy with all this destruction you've caused. I just
want to be able to say word. You keep saying.
You keep seeing two of us. But who's this other
person you're referring to. He's my cashier. He just had
to take a break because it's California state law. Okay, Hi,
slap when I slap the teeth out of you got
a lucky shot hot. I'm okay. High students together around.
(33:48):
We're going to study Earth history today. Put down, put
down the all. We love planets more studying Earth history.
We're Martians, but we still respect our ex neighbors. Who
can tell me in a phrase why Earth ended? In
a phrase that's not for the question at the end, Yes,
(34:13):
kill yeah, Earth ended because it was stupid and filled
with hate. Egg zact Lee, thank you. No. I think
specifically you're referring to the both Wars. I'm sorry this
guy again the Wars the world. No, no, no, no,
(34:35):
on Mars. We saved what we meant? What did you say?
The bol Wars? Mr and Mrs Team and thank you
so much for meeting me in my office. I know
it's a kind of short notice, but we wanted to
let you know that Brilliant has been passing around some literature,
some both literature and you know that is outlawed here
on Mars. So we're not sure where he got or
(34:56):
how he did. We just want to bring that to
your attention and lets you know that he has at
the moment been he's been handing out and passing around.
What are you Mrs Tittuman, I mean that he has
articles that will that promote both the pronunciation and the
yeah yeah yeah, But how is this is our son,
Brian chr It is your son, Brian? How is he
(35:21):
sharing it? You said he's passing it around verbally and physically. Yes,
he's just unsolicited handing out pamphlets or something. Yes, Mrs Teatman,
that is correct, yes, right right? Do you have any
evidence of this? Do you haven't? Actually do yeah? I
have here right here, So if you look at this
this you know, outdated Texas marrying Webster dictioner. Here, you're
(35:43):
going to see that he's highlighted both uh and well
I know we see that it's highlighting, which just there's
no evidence that he did it. Do you have any
videos and we do actually, and let me just pull
this out of here. If you look, it's actually another
Marrion Webster. I know it's strange, but if you open
it up, it's a small computer. And if I just
press here, mars is that took that out here? Look
(36:04):
at that? And everybody gather around, gather around. Yeah, I
got the good reading here. We're at we're at school, right, Yeah,
so I think it's time we really learned. Okay, what
is it? What is it? Though? Let's learn the truth
about the both wars tell us And it goes on
like that for about a half hour more and we
(36:25):
have different angles and different encounters. So I mean, it's there,
it's there. We just want to bring this to your attention. Man. Well,
I just see your son having a conversation I don't
really seem corrupting you stupid having a conversation that destroyed
the earth and forces. What is your issue with us? Son,
And why did you call us in? You know, my
husband is having a conversation that destroyed the Earth and
(36:47):
he's bringing it to Mars. What is your problem though?
It destroyed Earth? Right? Well, we just hear phone Mars.
I mean just just by the sginn of our teeth.
I mean, there's almost no chance of us. You want
to play the blame. Sounds like we're spending a lot
of time in this Martian classroom debating Earth history a
defunct planet. Okay, al right, can't we learn a little
(37:11):
more Martian history? Okay? Mr Tetaman, Okay, you want to
just blame my son, that's what I'm here. I'm not
blaming yourself. I'm just telling you what's happening. Okay, Well,
thanks for the heads up. You're welcome. Principal Skinner talk
to you quickly, Sinner, you let the teetamans really run
a hot type up your alley? Then, yes, serted, And
(37:37):
you feel good about yourself? Or do you feel poorly
about yourself? With one? I feel I feel poor? All right,
That's all I wanted to ask you. I wanted to
tell you something good. Good job, thank thank you, thank you, sir.
I want to give you a raise. You know, it's
(38:03):
just because, is there? Butter No, I just like to
end my sentences. So I have a razor that does
seemed to don't We will not know if he got
the rais or what the raise was. See three comes
(38:24):
from Patrie macholm maniac Nicholas mark Our not deprived, but
there is there any clue about when Kevin will be back.
I'm asking because we do have an ongoing conversation about
good and bad comedy and performers. What, of course, we
don't talk about anyone on the team, and especially not you,
(38:47):
Joey m Well, here's my scene suggestion, back stabbing son
of a bitch, nothing but respect, Nicola. I'll take a
bud light please, all right? Would you like that in
a bottle? And or a can? Sir? Bottles? Fine things?
(39:08):
All right, I'm sorry, I just realized I said and
or I I meant a bottle or I can forgive me.
Here is one bottle of miklob like for you. Yeah,
that'll do. Hey, cheers, cheers, do you sir? M hmm.
Smooth and refreshing, Yeah, smooth and refreshing. It's not miklobe. Oh, ship.
(39:33):
Oh shit, oh ship ship. I just gotta raise baby,
I just gotta all the drinks on me. Everybody who's
drinking right now? All on as you h alright, step
in my office and close the door behind you. We're
talking to raise today. Okay, so close the door behind you,
(39:58):
all right, I sit down, all right? So then that race,
Oh it gets better. You don't even know what happened next. Man,
always it sounds like he was about to stick something
in your button? What but what what do you think?
(40:19):
What do you mean by that? You agree with him?
Why you were playing giving the race? You made him
sound like all sex stup? No, hold on, I know
I'm talking about some hot pipes, alright, but the door
but let me just all right, story, let me do this.
I can double your pay double. But he's so intense,
(40:50):
it's very rape. It's very third. Shut the door behind you,
and then double. It's like, okay, come on, So what
did he say? What do you say? All you have? Okay? Yeah?
So the whole way I mean, I mean, it was
a raise, It was a race. It was raised monitory
(41:15):
or in his paloon? Was yeah? No, it was monitory okay, okay?
Was its Okay, okay, tell me two co workers to fire.
You'll take their wages and do their work. Wait what,
Holy sh it, I can't believe he said that. Fu Wait, no, no, no, no,
(41:39):
you said yesterday. I think so. Just remember you're screaming
and yelling about did you raise and buying everybody's drink.
Just keep your voices down a little bit. My son
is calling me. Hello, you got what when? Okay, bye, Sorry,
I gotta go home. Guys, my son just got fired
on it. Wait wait where did your son work at
(42:00):
the market? Okay, emotionally, don't know how to deal with
this right now. I just gotta go be with I'm
just going to leave. I think we should lock the door.
I have a little conversation with this guy. That's fair.
You guys are gonna give me a race. That's gonna look. Man,
(42:21):
you came in here very excited. We were excited for you.
Come on, we're all cheering for you. I bought everyone
everyone around drink. Then, uh, we're taking hot pipe action
all of it. We're having a good time. I thought
it was a good time, and then we find out
you're getting people's sons fight. Hey, it's just it's just
the market. That's how it goes. I don't know what
(42:41):
to not your response? Should I get another drink? Can
I get another drink? Yeah? Yeah, what would you like
to wait? Don't serve this, don't serve this guy. Look,
I have one job here, man, it's to serve drinks.
If people want to drink, I serve drinks. I can't
fall on one side of the fence of the But
you gotta get back to your son. You said you
had to he different. I'm a different guy. I'm a
(43:04):
different guy. Wait a minute, Holy sh it, I just
realized something. When I was four, my father told me
that he had thought I had been born a twin,
but they didn't watch me carefully, and then may have
been two of me. And what the guy who just
left here? Did he have this birthmark? Does anyone know
who like right above his navel? Check this out? Is
that Florence Henderson? That's Florence Henderson. Yeah, my god, I
(43:30):
just don't understand. They said I was doing a job
at the market. They said that they might even promote me,
and then they just like pull the rug out from
underre Okay, I don't know, son, I kind of have
an idea of what might have happened. But how would
you know? I was at the bar getting a free
(43:50):
drink from a guy, the bar next to the market. Yes,
we thought this guy had gotten the hot pipe up
his cheaster, but apparently that I know. It's funny. It's funny,
it's funny. I'm sad. I can't up laughing at the presban.
It turns out that that guy might be the reason
that you're now sitting at Crisscross Apple Sauce on this
(44:12):
plush carpet telling me that you've been fine. I took
my chair with took my chair those pastards, son. I've
never said this to you before. When I was young,
I had a twin brother. What when I was young,
I had a twin brother. No, I heard it. I
believe it. I couldn't either. Two years ago, I've been
(44:34):
going to that bar every day thinking that the bartender
might be my twin brother. If it is, he'll take
care of this guy for you. Okay, Well, there's no
way that he has a Florence interson birthmark. Let you do.
There's only three ways to find out one as so,
you feel good about yourself, You feel good about getting
(44:59):
the money when these other people are losing their jobs. This,
this makes you feel happy, This makes you feel generous.
You come in here, you want to buy a drinks.
You think this is a good time. You know what
you are, I'll say it. You're an s ob No, yeah,
add to that. I know I'm a bartender. I don't
usually uh give my opinion. You're back stabbing, sob boom,
(45:27):
there you go labeled. All right, you need me to
fill in while you go check on your son. Me. No, no, no,
you don't have children. I don't have a different guy.
I'm a different guy. That's a different guy. But first
of all, back stabbing SLB. I don't need you to
stand up for me to tell him who I am.
(45:49):
I want. I'm standing up at least my backs in
front of you. WHOA wait a minute, you say you
got that raised with this kind of snappy panther. Let
me tell you something right now. The markets are rough place,
and people who get fired they get fired because they
deserve to be fired. Okay, all right, you're talking about
this man's son. Excuse him. It's a different night. It
(46:13):
is not my son. I'm sorry to interrupted. I was
at the market next door. Do you know if it's
still open because all the lights are on, but nobody
is IB has had any of the booths you worked there. Yeah,
what do you need? You know, let's get you a drinks.
Get drinks? Would you like it? Budweiser, Like, I just
(46:35):
need to get some greens for a Christmas salad. We'll
have a drink first, Hey, dad, Um. At school, everyone
is talking about what their dad's do for a living.
And Tommy's dad's a firefighter and Steve's dad is an astronaut.
And I told him I'm very proud that my dad
is the manager of the market. Well, that's nice of you.
You should have said boss boss on so and I
(46:57):
am boss. Yeah, boss of the market, Boss of the market, Boston,
the market. That's really cool, you know what I like?
Because they were saying, well, Tommy's dad who's a firefighter,
he saves people's lives. And Steve's dead who's the astronaut,
he's trying to save all humanities lives by I said,
I said, my dad get these things, my dead can get.
(47:21):
What you're not realizing is those people are saving stuff
that I've provided in the first place. People have livelihoods
and things that they want to protect the house because
I'm selling it at the market, so without me, they're
just nobody's. That's like, get me a hug. One day,
you're gonna be the boss of the market. I am.
(47:42):
Oh yeah, epotism. Where are the greens? And why do
you smell like beer? What the hell is this? Know?
I know we're supposed to have a Christmas salad, but
where is the where the green? Look? Hey, you look good?
Look good christ fucking morning. The Mord's name in main
(48:12):
and the Christmas don't frank the Lord's name Jesus, Duncan.
I'd go myself. Stop saying Christmas. Okay, every Christmas you
get a hammer out of your ass. And you can't
do the one fucking thing I asked. You can't do
the one thing I asked, go down to the market.
You're gonna go back, You're gonna so you better fucking walk.
(48:33):
I walked to the market. I don't care. Hey, duncan
you go into the market right now, buddy? Yet I
wouldn't walk down that way. There's a lot of glass
on the ground here. You should care. It's extremely glassy
out tonight. Here, take the teas in my car. Duncan.
We're neighbors in France. All right, you're a good neighbor.
(48:54):
A Merry Christmas to you, buddy. All right, hey dunkey,
you're gonna get in there, girl. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend it,
my man, I wouldn't recommend it. Not tonight, Not tonight. Why,
Officer Curt, Well, there's a lot of low hanging bars.
You're driving in a certain amount of speed. It's gonna
chet your heaf here. Just take my horse. It'll jump
over those bars here. You're gonna take that horse somewhere.
(49:20):
I was thinking about it. Would not recommending, my friend,
would not recommend. There's a lot of cliff in mouth
out there at night. I might have got it already.
I kissed this horse. Take my scooter. Take my scooter.
I'll take the scooter. Did you take your horse? I'll
take the horse back that way with the office. Now
(49:42):
you take the man. Christmas spirit of this town is crazy.
You're gonna ride that scooter. I was saying about it.
I wouldn't do it. Why. What's going on the way
your knees hang out to the side. Yeah, well, what
if a kid comes out with a little bad knocks
you were your favorite getting side? This toaster makes bacon?
(50:10):
Was this? Mrs Miguel, We found your husband's toasted body.
What a mile away from the market. Oh my god,
he's fine, he's just toasted like he smells. You're not neighbor, right,
You're not neigh No, no, no, no, I'm not. Oh
(50:35):
does your neighbor have Do you mind if I pull
up my shirt and just my pants down the lower
my pelpac you can get a good side of my stomach. Sure? Yeah.
Does your neighbor have this birth month? Oh my god,
Oh my god, Oh my god. You seriously you haven't
(50:55):
answered me. Does your neighbor have this birth month? Yes,
yes he does. Your neighbor might be Mike brother. Is
my husband dead? No? No, no, he is toasted and
he's smelling delicious. Oh my god, think what are you
doing in this bar? I just gave you a raise
(51:17):
to work for two other people. This is the guy
to fight everybody, all right, and I'm the boss. You
named the two people and that's why they got fired.
This is the asshole that fired. Then say you fired
(51:37):
both of them. That's not the way you say that.
That's the way I say that word. Hey, what what
I'm gonna do right now is you're fired. Because you're
you're fired. You yeah, you talk about duneto no rais
(51:57):
okay because you at the bar. I've had people coming
in looking for greens all day long and I had
to say, oh, well there's nobody works here but you
you're fired. Well, I'm a boss. I don't do so
you You told people to leave for from a sale
because I bus maybe I should stick around. That's not
a good business bar. This is no way to work.
(52:22):
You were supposed to do the work of two people.
That's why they got fired. Instead, you celebrated at the bar.
Good new son, you're would I now take as your uncle?
Just call from the bar. Really, they got your job back.
This is the greatest Christmas Evering bats outside singing shout
(52:53):
for today. Let's go back to the fearlessness and yes
and chure of Craig's drunk. He just went with the flow.
Just say yes to each new vehicle, thinking about it.
(53:15):
You're gonna take this thinking about it, thinking about it. Uh.
Let's start our thank you with Mr James Heeney. James
from the Black Void, Where are you? And how does
that lighting work? I'm on the cover of the Doors album.
Uh and yeah, and it's nice here. It's lonely without
(53:38):
the members of the Doors. Um. But yeah and uh.
You can check me out this season on YouTube at
game Front. Okay, excellent. Um. I checked with our our
engineering producer of the Stars to make sure this episode
would drop after our live show at the Wedsnide Comedy Theater.
(53:59):
But and that was fun, wasn't it. I can't believe
Gary joined us. It was really a lot of fun.
Uh and I had a great time. Guys. Actually the
doctor says it will heal and that's good to the
right doctor, James. Thanks very much, good luck with game Front.
(54:21):
Thank you, Dr Chris Alvarado. I just want to say
I don't think I mean the Doors is right, James,
but I think you're this is more. You're more of
like a Fuji's FOI La la la. That's all I got,
you know what. I love everybody. Um uh. So this
(54:43):
has dropped after our live show, but maybe before our
San Francisco Sketch first show Sketch Best January nine pm.
That's a Sunday one pm. Check us out. I've already
heard from a couple of of our friends that are
that are going to be there, which is exciting. So
you're exciting addition to our cast. Were you going to
(55:04):
mention that that's right, that's right. I wasn't going to
mention it. Um um Jessica, Well everybody dirty, low down.
So yeah, so she'll be joining us. That'll be exciting,
you know. So our show was on the ninth, and
then just tonight we get married on the twenty nine.
(55:26):
So it's just it's just this is a lot. It's
a lot happening there. We hope to see December or
the twenty ninth of January, of January, because our show
is January nine. Yeah, way to track that, James. And
so Chris, you're inviting everyone all the listeners is what? Oh? Yeah,
everybody can come. Everybody can come. And I'm I'm looking
at you, Swan Drizzle. I'm talking Chris b A. I
want the hits, you know what I mean? Of course,
(55:49):
to show up. That's that's what we want. Very cool
weddings at Joey's house. Gary Anthony Williams, thank you to
man being here, my friend. It is my absolute American pleasure.
I will be up there at that San Francisco but
I'll be there a couple of days before you guys
are with my group, the black version, I think on
the seventh. Hey, if it's still the Holidays when you
(56:10):
hear this, I am. I think Disney's first black Santa
in the movie Christmas Again on Disney as well as
Disney Plus watch it with a white child. It's called
Michigan Christmas Again. That's so cool. That's the tagline. Gregkkowski,
(56:35):
thank you so damn much for being here. Oh my pleasure.
Kevin James, I think it's the Queen two album cover
you're thinking of. Yeah, that too. And John Wilkes Booth
of course murdered. I was testing the group by saying
Edwin Booth, though I'm not sure why man be Ale
accepted it as an answer. Um, but Edwin Booth of
(56:58):
course was John's brother, and I was just wanted to
kind of cross promote the Drunk History episode from season
one where we covered the Booth brothers, Edwin and John
Booth played by Adam Scott and Will Forte. Yeah, thank
you for that. Thank you for all of that. Joey Dreer,
I want to piggyback on that. And John Wilkes Booth
(57:19):
was held at the dry Tortugas and the largest brick
building I believe in America in the Americas, and it's
they call it dry on in the island because it
means there's no natural water and they abandoned it. And
he was the only prisoner. Actually I think it was
him and the doctor who who helped him, but the
doctor's name yuh. So it's a national park also the
(57:45):
tom Cruise of his day. He was a giant, giant
acting star on the on the level of a what
we would consider to be a giant movie star today.
It was John Wilkes Booth. Uh, his own stunts that
his own stunts well into his and ran weird well
(58:06):
enthusiastically every play he was sprinting. He's up front. Let's
thank our engineer Pruce, of the stars, Mr Doug Baye,
the fine folks that I heart media. So great to
be back. Thank you for all your concerns and your emails,
and uh please be kind to each other. Happy holidays everybody,
(58:27):
until next time.
Well, come back to another episode about me this I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin? How am I?
Are you being real right now? Coming at me? Bro? No? No, no,
thank you for asking. I'm feeling a h and again,
thank you for your concern, but I digress. Let's meet
(00:23):
in no particular order. Let's quickly check in with Craig
Kowski for his year end movie preview, Cacao, Kevin, west
Side Story is coming out? Yes, uh, Spielberg's West Side
Story actual Puerto Ricans in the movie. I'm hearing, but
(00:45):
still gang members dancing ballet, so it all evens out
in the end. Heard good things though, excited and that's
that's it. That's the movie. There's also that thing with
the rock and it's on Netflix. You can watch it now.
It turns out West Side Stories takes place in Santa Monica. Uh. Now,
(01:13):
let's check it with Christoph Aarado for his end of
year surf report. Christoph, thank you. Kevin. Um, I'm actually
currently looking at the ocean this very moment, and what
it's saying to me is, though I only got incrementally
better at actually surfing, everything else in my life became
(01:35):
exceedingly better because of surfing. Wow, yeah, yeah, sen Master.
I started to realize I was judging myself, calling myself
a bad surfer because I'm still a beginner. But you know,
your body doesn't know if you're a bad surfer. You
probably knows you're getting reps out there. You probably knows
your course tightening your lower back muscles. Like Gary feels me,
and I just kind of blew, who are guest days?
(01:55):
But he feels me. I hope you feel me. God, Gary,
I love you, Thank you? Yeah? Please, come on, you're kidding?
Uh speaking to much? Hey, there's carry any Williams. Let
me just say hello America, but not hello to Puerto Rico. No.
And I know what you're saying, Gary, They're part of us,
(02:20):
as they say in their country. No. No, Marilyn Garrila,
how did you discover the truth about Santa Claus? Um?
I was looking at a painting in my aunt has
to lease house or from the south we say ain't
pesta le and my ain't has to lease house? And
there was a bridge in this painting, and I asked
(02:41):
my mom, how does Santa Claus get across there? Because
I thought about the big sleigh and it was a
tiny little surridge and she goes, you know they ain't
no Santa Claus. Yeah, I'm sorry. That was your mom
or your aunt. That was my my mom in my
aunt's house. Yeah, your mom said the final day, no
(03:04):
Santa Claus. Oh man, did you say? Yeah? You did
know and try to please. I was like, yeah, my son.
My son, however, told me when he was I guess
he was too. He was lying on his back fixing
the chimney flu with me and he looks up and goes,
there's no Santa Claus. I was like, why would you
(03:25):
say that? He was two years old? And he goes,
he would never fit down this chimney reindeer can't fly,
and he'd never make it around the world on time.
There's no Santa Clauses too to at two? Yeah, did
you enroll him at Stanford? Immediately? He's now at Brown,
but I didn't even Stanford. I'm with you, and look out,
(03:49):
it's James Ceney, Johnny Jim Jean. What is your favorite
thing about Christmas? Well, I mean, I love family. I
love being a Brown family. I like to get together
with family a few days before Christmas so I can
enjoy the actual season and then it culminates on the
big party with family. Question, if I may just for clarification,
(04:14):
because I'm feeling the passion and I'm digging it. You're
not talking about your family, right, yeah, talking about my family.
If I could get all my friends to come and
hang out with my family too, I would do that,
Like the more the merrier. My family is always well
willing to invite people in, but nobody ever, it's just us.
But it's fine. I like, we have a great time.
(04:35):
You're all invited and that and last but not even
a lump of coal. If you think oft least it's
Joey Greer chronic cock block. If you could correct a
few things that Santa does each year, what would they be? Wow?
If you think, first off, get off the book, get
on an iPad or something. I mean, let's digitize it
(04:57):
all and it's gonna take a little while to transfer
the records. And the medical industry was doing that for
like a decade or so, and that that was a
gave people job. So right, you know, I gave people jobs.
So let's just like opportunity are there. I'd also, I
know that the sleigh runs on reindeer yet the reindeer
eat coal. That's something a lot of people don't talk about.
So Santa does support the coal industry. And I think
(05:19):
it should be electric. I know it should be. I
don't even think I know it should be. And the
last thing that I would change is the outfit. Huh
outfit because you're going style or colors or what? Oh
I didn't think. I think colors are conn I guess
stay with the colors. But style has gotta change. Style
has got And I've seen a couple of movies do
(05:40):
it where they give Santa like a dope coat, you
know what I mean, kind of like a Triple X
and Diesel. I remember ven Diesel and Triple X big coat.
He's beven Diesel and Triple X. I don't know how
to describe him. And so he's he's got this big
coat and he's got like like the fur right up
on the shoulders, and it's just like he's always like
always were like a like a hermo or something that's
(06:00):
like you don't think it would I don't know how
comfy or thick the checko was, but it made sense.
It made sense. This is kind of like he's hardcore
like that he's triple X. Uh, and so Vin Diesel
and triple xes when I'm speaking and uh not in
this this. I believe the sequel ice Cube plays triple X.
But this is this is then Diesel's triple X. So
the coat that I'm speaking about is that's the new style, right,
Obviously keep the same colors, Ryan, keep it red and
(06:22):
then the white trim, the white fluff. But you know,
get that like a nice like trench er, you know
what I mean, like a thick boy. That's where you
can just like but still move. But sounds okay, Let's
do a damn show. All of our shame suggestions are
gathered from our listeners, emails or from our patron v
i p s to become patron store of the show
and enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes that we
(06:46):
record just for you video. Also of all these recording
sessions available to patron members. There's a lot of other perks.
Are some big perks. Just head on over to patron
dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to have
mad a scene suggestion by email. Love to read your emails,
Please right to the podcast at alchemy This email at
(07:07):
gmail dot com that's alchemy. This email seen one comes
from patron v I P Andrew and it's a doozy,
he wrote, or they wrote, Hey alchemists, Andrew here. I've
had four of my suggestions used during the three years
i've been listening. Well, all right, good on you, Andrew,
(07:29):
pretty good. The first one was you that was used
as a new Patreon member. Kevin found it too difficult
to copy and paste my name. Yeah, well, Andrew, Uh,
so you know you spelled fucking paste wrong? All right, bro,
and you're in your little missive so U have a seat.
(07:52):
What does it say past past? Yeah, let's have a
little chuckle with Andrew. You can't instatly Andrew the bye uh.
And then he goes on to explain his suggestion, farts
that smell like subway was my suggestion, sweet sweet pride um.
(08:13):
Let's see. Just to make this clear, Joey's not holding
anyone back. I was joking. Joey brings to chaos and
I love it. Chris made me have some thoughts about
my hometown of Charleston, South Carolina with his views from
his visit. I love this place, but I also get it.
Suggestion Charleston horse Carriage tour guide from Sweden knows nothing
(08:37):
about the city, Kevin, get out of my grandma's bare bedroom,
Andrew School school scool me, sir, me and my quote
unquote wife would know quote unquote Yeah, we were legally
were married, but emotionally with common law. We we lived
(08:57):
together long enough that it was just a simple signature
in a couple years and what's coming eight years? Eight years.
We would love, we would love a tour around your city,
but preferably preferably on I'm sorry, I have I have
(09:18):
what is called chronic nova kaing syndrome. My bottom my
wife his bottom lip has absolutely no control, so it
kind of you'll notice it has a vibration to it,
and sometimes if there's wetness on the vibration, it becomes
a spray buss bus. You want me to get the
salad bar guy, the Plexi glass also, I want the
(09:42):
salad bar guy first, all right, and then I want
you also to talk to this the Plexi gas guy.
But I really want the salad bar guy over here
right now, alright, because I got some the croutons, sorry,
just some workship. But you know you say that you
guys aren't emotionally attached. But she gets you. She understands that. No, no, no,
she getting for love making gold. We are we had
(10:03):
ourself tested. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I gotta put the
salad down. I can't. I can't look at the cells
right now. I'm gonna go. Alright, guys, we're gonna need
some more baby corn over here. Let's get baby corn
over here. Good looking, good cherry tomatoes? Alright? Did you
say the cherry you want? The cherry tomatoes or the
cherry tomatoes? Which one did you want? What did they say?
(10:25):
You said chairry tomatoes? But all right, you're right, stand stand,
you're right, you're right. This is not about right a rome. Goddamnit,
this is not about righting rome. Which one do you won't? Tomatoes?
All right? I got miss misspoken. What do we do
with the tomatoes? We got a ship ton of cherry tomatoes?
Here should tomatoes? Well, well, we'll hold us off to
(10:48):
the side. Listen, today is the big day we all know. Okay,
we've got a lot of people. Were looking at three
thousand people coming through the salad bar. Okay, so I'm
sure if we ran into the tomatoes, we can use
the tomatoes some some some of the birds are eating
the tomatoes. Should we away moved the tomatoes, get rid
of the birds, Get rid of the birds, get rid
of the birds if I might. Yeah, I can kill
two of them birds with one stone if you would
(11:08):
like me to God damn stand, yes, yes, please, yes,
please give me five minutes and I will have this
place the birds. Now there's two. Okay, good, because there's
more than two birds. But yeah, sir, did you need something?
I know you're right. You work for the guy, the
horse carriage guy. Right, yeah, what's going on? You tell
(11:29):
me you're at my place of business for me? Perhaps? Yeah?
I wanted to get his sald to go please. Oh okay,
he didn't send for me. He doesn't need to hear
from me. Well not right now, he sent me. Yeah, okay, cool,
all right, So I'll just give you is you there is?
Because this is the number one tourist attraction in Charleston. Look,
(11:50):
I appreciate me and my wife. I hear you. But
all I'm saying is, I mean, the connection is so real.
I understand. It's just not a love connection. It's a
fact connection. It's a science pat connection. I'm gonna give
you all the tour, but I'm gonna give you the
Charleston Love Tour. Bu sorry you interrupt at the salad
(12:13):
guy bar? Uh with the salad guy bar? Yeah? Yeah,
what about the salad bar? Did everybody come to attention please?
All the members of the Salad of the Guy Convention.
Do I have the guys here represented as well? Ye?
(12:37):
Do I have? The salad guys can also be used
as a plate if it's just all I'm literally just realized.
I'm sorry. I called this meeting today, which is about
clear up what's it about? I wanted to clear up
who the heck it's a salad guy ball and who
(13:00):
the heck is a salad bar guy? But all the
hubbub and the hullabaloo and the Harper lore that's strolling
the heads, confusing the whole damn situation the town always
and ever no salad guy. Well see this is how
(13:22):
this is, This is why we this is why we
can have nice things but don't keep them for long. Hey,
salad guy bar, skip people. Hey, salad guys, we uh
we want to meet you guys for a little dance
off in the alley tonight. You know, Charleston's most famous alley. Okay,
(13:45):
I know this for a fact because of my brother
works that alley. The actual Puerto Ricans are down there
dancing right now, actual ones, the actual Puerto Rican you're
gonna let's meet somewhere else. Lets me somewhere else. Actual
Puerto Ricans are very they're very kind of off time
to portrayed often in cinema. It makes even afraid. Of course,
(14:07):
my father say, you can't trust the film. I just
think we should go find a different tour guide. I'm
not attached to this guy. He's too local. He's too
he's got his own idea of what he wants to
show us. People kiss over there. Maybe maybe, maybe if
we have somebody who like us, who can look at
their tool with a fresh, fresh eyes, and it would
(14:30):
be better, but be a better too far. We're fresh eyes, alright, sir.
I've got the results from the three tests we ran
regarding your lower lip and the excess salivation. Maybe we
have my wife in here, if he'd likes to take notes.
Oh sure, sure, you're inviteer on in. Maybe could you
come in. It's definitely something you want to share with
(14:53):
your wife. Thank you for letting me come in. Doctor,
I take all the notes and appointments. Did you need
a piece of paper or writing utensil? And you'll notice
I have this little iPad and I'll just what is that?
What is that? It's a it's a tablet with a pen.
It was depended through me. Well, I've got some great
news and some just okay news. Great news, I would
(15:20):
I start with a just okay news. Okay, they didn't
seamlessly work your way for a great close with the
great news. That's that's you know. My son always to
suggest that to me he's a singer. He's been on
that mass singer show. Do you know that shows mass singer? Yeah? Church,
(15:41):
it is down at the church. Yes. Did they put
a mask on and then make the kids sing? Did
you didn't tell my name? Did you? Well? No, no,
of course, He's like, that's part of the whole deals.
I can't no one can know who I am. I'm
behind the mask. Five minutes, five minutes, thank you five? Yeah? Yeah, no,
I said thank you five, I said my son. I said,
my son, okay, okay, okay, But I like daisy search
(16:03):
did they get ready? To me? Also, I'm like the
only non celebrity here you know. Do you have a
new mask this week? I do, I do? What are
you going? Uh? It's uh, well, I'm not gonna they
give it to me. It's a big bird face with
the tomato on the beach. It's supposed I guess they're
turning like it's like the Charleston State flag. Alright, so
(16:23):
I've killed all of the birds outside, there's one that
did manage to get away from me. Oh oh, sounds
like so it's a competent rival for you staying. I
would like permission that you said to stop throwing stones
at these birds and get something heavy on, some heavy atillery.
(16:44):
I'd like to shoot it in the neck. And here's
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you paid leaves
until you track down and kill this one specific bird
sounds to me like this. I'll do you for better.
I will play you to let me leave and kill this.
But this birders well, sing me. That's too. Do I
need all of them? I try to know if I
(17:07):
need you. Oh, I know you will. I know you will. Hey,
godspeed A thank thank you sir. All righty I need
more Caesar sauce. Can I get more season? And now
it's time to reveal who is the masked singer and
the bird costume with a tomato in its mouth. Please
take off your head singer. He looks like a couple
(17:34):
of different celebrities. The doctor's son. What the doctor a
commercial commercial? We need socks and you need socks that
can fit your feet. You're on What are you doing? Ted?
Why don't we just break away from this tour and
and and hire somebody off the streets. We'll just take somebody.
(17:57):
They'll be fresh. Look at that guy over there where
the non American clothing, very non American. He looks like chocolate.
And I had that snap the Trenchers chocolate. That's what
I was gonna say. Let me let me tap him
on the shoulder, excuse him me, sir, Yes, how could
(18:18):
I help you? My wife and I had a quote
unquote wife, Let me do this right my quote wife
end quote, and I need a tool of this beautiful
say so. It's like a common law thing or exactly, yeah, exactly.
(18:39):
It's actually a very common in Sweden. We were don't
don't get married very often. That's wonderful here. Now I
have taken the liberty of still in a carriage and
if you could take us on just a wild Mr.
Mr Toad ride. An that's what yes like, a Mr.
Toad's wild ride. So you to go clip and a
(19:00):
clop through. I tell Trumpston absolutely, we want to see
the highs and where less the loads, starting with the
loads and then saying left to work your way up
to the hive better. Geez jeez. Students started to interrupt
(19:28):
the Puerto Rican singing time. I went to shoot the
bird's right before my very eyes, his head threw off
and he changed into what I considered to be half man,
half bird. I don't know if a man screwed the
turkey on turkey screwed the lady. I don't know how
(19:49):
it works, but that has seen one. He said the
magic words, A man screwed the turkey, and it's the
end of the scene. Sink two comes from listener Andy.
World War three breaks out between factions of people who
(20:09):
pronounce it both and people who pronounce it both, looking
forward to finding out how this mango between a text
email and its spoken intro. Andy from San Antonio. You
can pick other one. What do you mean, you can
(20:30):
pick either one? Just choose, that's up to me. I
don't have to go to a committee. I don't have to.
I just choose, you can pick other one, okay. And
what authority are you insisting this with. I guess the
cashier's authority. Sure, I just get some sort of I'm sorry,
(20:50):
I'm a manager here. Um, is there a problem? He's
telling you you choose one or the other unless you
expected you could just both with you? Okay. First of all,
that's not how I pronounced it. Second of all, were
you watching from some monitor or something? What do you
think managers do? Yeah? I was you See that little
booth over there, There's a TV screen and I could
(21:12):
watch all four registers at the same time. So Mr,
I'm sorry, speak for the manager. Mr Thompson. Were you
sitting in the booth over there? Because I thought you
were in the booth. I was in the booth. Okay.
I'm going to go back to the back now and
finish cleaning. I am mixing color rocks with ammonia, and
I think it's going to do a great job. Thank you,
(21:35):
Thank you. I've got an eye on both of you,
so keep up the good work, right, okay? So, uh,
if we could you you were saying I could use both,
and my question is why, why is the choice mine?
What did you say and what gives you I could
(21:55):
choose from either or or you? Yeah? What did you say?
What did you say? I'm sorry, I'm waiting here in line,
but I would like to help this guy out here?
He said you could choose? Thank you both? So you
don't understand? No, I guess you don't understand. Why don't
I help you understand? Hey? Hey, hey, both of you
(22:20):
need to calm down. I can't have violent don't understand
what that mean. We don't understand what that but we
don't acknowledge a nonsense? Okay, what did you say? There's well,
how about this US two will take both of you
two out in the parking lot. Let's do let's do that.
What do you say, big guy, new best friend? Let's
do that? Yeah, to cover here, so let me just
(22:44):
put a little to cover out. Can you put a
hold on the bleach ammonia thing? And for this register,
let's kick this guy's ass. Do you guys give me
one seconds? Give me one second? Hey, he dead? Well,
can you call I know at your naptime? Son? Son,
(23:06):
It's so good to hear from you. Listen, I'm not
calling to chat. I'm calling because I need your help.
Oh it's it's just nice to hear from your son. Okay, Dad, listen,
I just need your help. I just oriented because you
woke me up from my nap. That's okay, Dad. Look,
you're huge and you're often angry. I'm a big guy.
I'm bed ridden. I haven't been outside in years. What
(23:29):
if I told you I ran into a couple of bolts.
What that's right, Dad, We're down at the We're done.
It stands liquor and I just rolled out of bed.
Mr Thompson, get back in that bed, sir. All right.
(23:53):
Both is not a Legit have been pronunciation. The word
is pronounced both. It's both, And I'm gonna where is
it again? I'm rolling. We're there. Uh listen, gentlemen, I
just want to let you know I got some backup coming.
So if you want to make a call, maybe you should.
I'm giving you fair warning. Okay, Well both of us
(24:15):
could probably bring in some recruitments. I think you should.
I think you should. Okay, this is jeopardy. Let's get
right back to it. Get ready, You've you've chosen your
category and the question and The answer is this man
killed Abraham. Lincoln killed Abraham? Easy? Easy? Who is Edgar
(24:40):
Wilkes Bull? That is correct for it's not. I'm sorry,
it's not. That's not correct. That's correct for, mayam, mayam.
I'll take potent potables for correctly correct. Also, did you
see Edgar that was on John? Will both well? John
(25:05):
and Edgar interchangeable? Is that true? It's a Latin roote?
They both have a j. Now, now that's not correct.
You didn't say it correctly. We'll take care of this
on the commercial break. Folks will be right back after
this moment. If you want socks, the best socks to get,
what are you doing? All right? Look, obviously this is
(25:25):
turned into a much bigger deal, but you guys brought
this upon yourself. As you can see, we've got we've
got the coast Guard here and uh and some parts
of the navy. Well there's no water here, so I
don't want to do there's no water. They're not gonna
be able to do anything, the navy, and I mean
(25:46):
also the merchant Marines. We're here, Yeah, the merchant Marines
are here. What are you selling now? Oh God, look
that there's a toaster that cooks bacon. What all right?
This is it's a great deal. Alright, it's gonna be
(26:06):
This is gonna be a masaker. Okay. People are gonna
get hurt, some people might even die. But I think
it's worth it because we can't live in a world
where people are willy nilly with the way they pronounce words. Understood,
understanding on do you know what's going on? I'm sorry
to say something I was in the middle of saying, understood.
What were you asking? Spring to my my seems like
(26:26):
only partner in this fight against the merchant, Marines, the Navy.
So and do toast both. No, no, no warranty because
it will never break down and it's guaranteed. Lifton, Lifton, Gortzma,
(26:48):
I speak with you in the office. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah?
You have been in my employee as a voiceover commercial
guy for how many years? Would you say? Six years? Exactly? Accurately?
Six years? You have now for forty nine attempts try
to do a sock commercial and you've let someone else
(27:08):
interrupt you. Don't you think it's time you grab yourself
by your own gonads and pull yourself up tall and
stood up at that mic and finish your commercial. Yeah,
I mean it's fine. Honestly, it's it's not that big
a deal. I'll get it done. I'm gonna show you
a photo of my dead father who died with a
frown on his face for me not finishing things. Do
you want that to be your dad? Jesus? Did you
(27:30):
dig him up? Dug him up? I done him up,
and I had to have had his face reconstructed to
make a frown, the frown that he died with. Yes,
this is a reconstructed dead man's face. Remind me again,
why would dig in this show? Well, my father died
with disappointment and I realized I didn't get a photograph
(27:51):
of it. So I want to dig him up now
so I can show employees as well as friends what
he looks like when you disappoint some How long has
he been in this hole? I mean six years? I hope,
right right? That's going to be a pretty gruesome grimace
on his face. That is not yours to decide how
is primace is going to look. Your job is to
dig him up that you then gently let me slide
(28:13):
twenty dollars in your back pocket, all right? When you
say gently I already did it. Does that answer your question? Damn, God, damn,
you're good, You're very good. Oh, both full both both
full folk. Here at the beginning of World War three,
(28:37):
you can see two factions are entering the fighting film
doing their chance. We're gonna pull one of them aside
right now and speak to him. Hello, serremy, I speak
with you both. Yeah, how can I help you? Yeah,
I'm sorry getting wreck. You're chanting and you're worring. But
it seems that you have a real bone to pick
with the other side over a simple l in a word.
(29:00):
Do you think this is the way you want to
see the world in? Yeah? I think so. Okay, go
back to it. I'm here, He's god damn bull fiends.
(29:29):
There's two of them right there. Once you step up now,
I don't specifically want to fight you over this. You're
bigger than I, begger than everybody here, everybody here. But
let me ask you, how do you spell the word
both spe Oh h h, that's not it's I don't
(29:56):
know what to tell you. I don't know. Please stop
holding my shirt set tight. Hello, everyone, Welcome to the
Miriam Webster Society. We just had in from the Battle
film a request to add the letter not only to
the alphabet, but to the Miriam Webster Dictionary by either
(30:17):
a show of hands or applause. It's so hard when
we do the applause voting to really know, because Carrie
always makes a lot of noise and I only have
like I can't. Can we just do regular voting with
raising of hands? Who would like by a show of
(30:37):
hands or applause to vote with only raising of hands?
And we like that by a show I think that's
very good, very good. Then we will merely go with
a show of hands. Who would like the letter both
added to the Miriam Webster Dictionary by show of hands? Okay?
(31:01):
Can you count out loud? Because it's hard for me.
The reason I use that i'm legally blind. I wish
I could. That's why I always ask. Some of the
people in the audience are raising two hands and they're
putting him a kind of like cactus style away from you,
and nobody comes in around you know what I mean.
They're doing some serious work and they're making sure that
let us get put in correctly and the word just
(31:23):
pronouncing all that in that book, So just just let
into few people is that what. No, No, No, nobody
in around, No nobody. I know people I recognize, Let
them in. No nobody, cousins. What do you tell nobody?
No one in around? Excuse me? Let me just get
by you. I'm Lancaster Meriam. No, no, not nobody, nobody
(31:53):
in around. Excuse me here part of nobody? Do you
know who I am? Clearly not. I'm Dictionary Dennist, Dictionary, Diary.
You got Webber and Dictionary. Look getting I am not
(32:16):
a Webber or a Webster. Good Sir, Mercaster, Miriam, Dictionary.
Excuse me? I need to mean going on there? Right,
We're not let anybody go inside. I just stand. Do
you know who I am? No? I don't know who
anybody Bryan Britannica. Let me in there. No listen, Brian Skater,
(32:39):
Wait a second, scatter you you're mistaking me for what
are you talking with. Look there's a lot of dead people.
Look at all these cars overturned and on fire. Your
entire shop is smoldering ashes. Yeah, I've also overturned it
on fire. I know, Pops, I know, Pops. It's gonna
(33:00):
take a while for them for the flames to get
to any part of me. That that's serious. What do
you say we end this war? I say we're doing good,
the two of us versus all you assholes. I think
we've got something. So you don't want to end the
war no way. We've taken on the merchant Marines, the Navy,
your father, the coast Guard, and you're happy with this.
(33:25):
You're happy with all this destruction you've caused. I just
want to be able to say word. You keep saying.
You keep seeing two of us. But who's this other
person you're referring to. He's my cashier. He just had
to take a break because it's California state law. Okay, Hi,
slap when I slap the teeth out of you got
a lucky shot hot. I'm okay. High students together around.
(33:48):
We're going to study Earth history today. Put down, put
down the all. We love planets more studying Earth history.
We're Martians, but we still respect our ex neighbors. Who
can tell me in a phrase why Earth ended? In
a phrase that's not for the question at the end, Yes,
(34:13):
kill yeah, Earth ended because it was stupid and filled
with hate. Egg zact Lee, thank you. No. I think
specifically you're referring to the both Wars. I'm sorry this
guy again the Wars the world. No, no, no, no,
(34:35):
on Mars. We saved what we meant? What did you say?
The bol Wars? Mr and Mrs Team and thank you
so much for meeting me in my office. I know
it's a kind of short notice, but we wanted to
let you know that Brilliant has been passing around some literature,
some both literature and you know that is outlawed here
on Mars. So we're not sure where he got or
(34:56):
how he did. We just want to bring that to
your attention and lets you know that he has at
the moment been he's been handing out and passing around.
What are you Mrs Tittuman, I mean that he has
articles that will that promote both the pronunciation and the
yeah yeah yeah, But how is this is our son,
Brian chr It is your son, Brian? How is he
(35:21):
sharing it? You said he's passing it around verbally and physically. Yes,
he's just unsolicited handing out pamphlets or something. Yes, Mrs Teatman,
that is correct, yes, right right? Do you have any
evidence of this? Do you haven't? Actually do yeah? I
have here right here, So if you look at this
this you know, outdated Texas marrying Webster dictioner. Here, you're
(35:43):
going to see that he's highlighted both uh and well
I know we see that it's highlighting, which just there's
no evidence that he did it. Do you have any
videos and we do actually, and let me just pull
this out of here. If you look, it's actually another
Marrion Webster. I know it's strange, but if you open
it up, it's a small computer. And if I just
press here, mars is that took that out here? Look
(36:04):
at that? And everybody gather around, gather around. Yeah, I
got the good reading here. We're at we're at school, right, Yeah,
so I think it's time we really learned. Okay, what
is it? What is it? Though? Let's learn the truth
about the both wars tell us And it goes on
like that for about a half hour more and we
(36:25):
have different angles and different encounters. So I mean, it's there,
it's there. We just want to bring this to your attention. Man. Well,
I just see your son having a conversation I don't
really seem corrupting you stupid having a conversation that destroyed
the earth and forces. What is your issue with us? Son,
And why did you call us in? You know, my
husband is having a conversation that destroyed the Earth and
(36:47):
he's bringing it to Mars. What is your problem though?
It destroyed Earth? Right? Well, we just hear phone Mars.
I mean just just by the sginn of our teeth.
I mean, there's almost no chance of us. You want
to play the blame. Sounds like we're spending a lot
of time in this Martian classroom debating Earth history a
defunct planet. Okay, al right, can't we learn a little
(37:11):
more Martian history? Okay? Mr Tetaman, Okay, you want to
just blame my son, that's what I'm here. I'm not
blaming yourself. I'm just telling you what's happening. Okay, Well,
thanks for the heads up. You're welcome. Principal Skinner talk
to you quickly, Sinner, you let the teetamans really run
a hot type up your alley? Then, yes, serted, And
(37:37):
you feel good about yourself? Or do you feel poorly
about yourself? With one? I feel I feel poor? All right,
That's all I wanted to ask you. I wanted to
tell you something good. Good job, thank thank you, thank you, sir.
I want to give you a raise. You know, it's
(38:03):
just because, is there? Butter No, I just like to
end my sentences. So I have a razor that does
seemed to don't We will not know if he got
the rais or what the raise was. See three comes
(38:24):
from Patrie macholm maniac Nicholas mark Our not deprived, but
there is there any clue about when Kevin will be back.
I'm asking because we do have an ongoing conversation about
good and bad comedy and performers. What, of course, we
don't talk about anyone on the team, and especially not you,
(38:47):
Joey m Well, here's my scene suggestion, back stabbing son
of a bitch, nothing but respect, Nicola. I'll take a
bud light please, all right? Would you like that in
a bottle? And or a can? Sir? Bottles? Fine things?
(39:08):
All right, I'm sorry, I just realized I said and
or I I meant a bottle or I can forgive me.
Here is one bottle of miklob like for you. Yeah,
that'll do. Hey, cheers, cheers, do you sir? M hmm.
Smooth and refreshing, Yeah, smooth and refreshing. It's not miklobe. Oh, ship.
(39:33):
Oh shit, oh ship ship. I just gotta raise baby,
I just gotta all the drinks on me. Everybody who's
drinking right now? All on as you h alright, step
in my office and close the door behind you. We're
talking to raise today. Okay, so close the door behind you,
(39:58):
all right, I sit down, all right? So then that race,
Oh it gets better. You don't even know what happened next. Man,
always it sounds like he was about to stick something
in your button? What but what what do you think?
(40:19):
What do you mean by that? You agree with him?
Why you were playing giving the race? You made him
sound like all sex stup? No, hold on, I know
I'm talking about some hot pipes, alright, but the door
but let me just all right, story, let me do this.
I can double your pay double. But he's so intense,
(40:50):
it's very rape. It's very third. Shut the door behind you,
and then double. It's like, okay, come on, So what
did he say? What do you say? All you have? Okay? Yeah?
So the whole way I mean, I mean, it was
a raise, It was a race. It was raised monitory
(41:15):
or in his paloon? Was yeah? No, it was monitory okay, okay?
Was its Okay, okay, tell me two co workers to fire.
You'll take their wages and do their work. Wait what,
Holy sh it, I can't believe he said that. Fu Wait, no, no, no, no,
(41:39):
you said yesterday. I think so. Just remember you're screaming
and yelling about did you raise and buying everybody's drink.
Just keep your voices down a little bit. My son
is calling me. Hello, you got what when? Okay, bye, Sorry,
I gotta go home. Guys, my son just got fired
on it. Wait wait where did your son work at
(42:00):
the market? Okay, emotionally, don't know how to deal with
this right now. I just gotta go be with I'm
just going to leave. I think we should lock the door.
I have a little conversation with this guy. That's fair.
You guys are gonna give me a race. That's gonna look. Man,
(42:21):
you came in here very excited. We were excited for you.
Come on, we're all cheering for you. I bought everyone
everyone around drink. Then, uh, we're taking hot pipe action
all of it. We're having a good time. I thought
it was a good time, and then we find out
you're getting people's sons fight. Hey, it's just it's just
the market. That's how it goes. I don't know what
(42:41):
to not your response? Should I get another drink? Can
I get another drink? Yeah? Yeah, what would you like
to wait? Don't serve this, don't serve this guy. Look,
I have one job here, man, it's to serve drinks.
If people want to drink, I serve drinks. I can't
fall on one side of the fence of the But
you gotta get back to your son. You said you
had to he different. I'm a different guy. I'm a
(43:04):
different guy. Wait a minute, Holy sh it, I just
realized something. When I was four, my father told me
that he had thought I had been born a twin,
but they didn't watch me carefully, and then may have
been two of me. And what the guy who just
left here? Did he have this birthmark? Does anyone know
who like right above his navel? Check this out? Is
that Florence Henderson? That's Florence Henderson. Yeah, my god, I
(43:30):
just don't understand. They said I was doing a job
at the market. They said that they might even promote me,
and then they just like pull the rug out from
underre Okay, I don't know, son, I kind of have
an idea of what might have happened. But how would
you know? I was at the bar getting a free
(43:50):
drink from a guy, the bar next to the market. Yes,
we thought this guy had gotten the hot pipe up
his cheaster, but apparently that I know. It's funny. It's funny,
it's funny. I'm sad. I can't up laughing at the presban.
It turns out that that guy might be the reason
that you're now sitting at Crisscross Apple Sauce on this
(44:12):
plush carpet telling me that you've been fine. I took
my chair with took my chair those pastards, son. I've
never said this to you before. When I was young,
I had a twin brother. What when I was young,
I had a twin brother. No, I heard it. I
believe it. I couldn't either. Two years ago, I've been
(44:34):
going to that bar every day thinking that the bartender
might be my twin brother. If it is, he'll take
care of this guy for you. Okay, Well, there's no
way that he has a Florence interson birthmark. Let you do.
There's only three ways to find out one as so,
you feel good about yourself, You feel good about getting
(44:59):
the money when these other people are losing their jobs. This,
this makes you feel happy, This makes you feel generous.
You come in here, you want to buy a drinks.
You think this is a good time. You know what
you are, I'll say it. You're an s ob No, yeah,
add to that. I know I'm a bartender. I don't
usually uh give my opinion. You're back stabbing, sob boom,
(45:27):
there you go labeled. All right, you need me to
fill in while you go check on your son. Me. No, no, no,
you don't have children. I don't have a different guy.
I'm a different guy. That's a different guy. But first
of all, back stabbing SLB. I don't need you to
stand up for me to tell him who I am.
(45:49):
I want. I'm standing up at least my backs in
front of you. WHOA wait a minute, you say you
got that raised with this kind of snappy panther. Let
me tell you something right now. The markets are rough place,
and people who get fired they get fired because they
deserve to be fired. Okay, all right, you're talking about
this man's son. Excuse him. It's a different night. It
(46:13):
is not my son. I'm sorry to interrupted. I was
at the market next door. Do you know if it's
still open because all the lights are on, but nobody
is IB has had any of the booths you worked there. Yeah,
what do you need? You know, let's get you a drinks.
Get drinks? Would you like it? Budweiser, Like, I just
(46:35):
need to get some greens for a Christmas salad. We'll
have a drink first, Hey, dad, Um. At school, everyone
is talking about what their dad's do for a living.
And Tommy's dad's a firefighter and Steve's dad is an astronaut.
And I told him I'm very proud that my dad
is the manager of the market. Well, that's nice of you.
You should have said boss boss on so and I
(46:57):
am boss. Yeah, boss of the market, Boss of the market, Boston,
the market. That's really cool, you know what I like?
Because they were saying, well, Tommy's dad who's a firefighter,
he saves people's lives. And Steve's dead who's the astronaut,
he's trying to save all humanities lives by I said,
I said, my dad get these things, my dead can get.
(47:21):
What you're not realizing is those people are saving stuff
that I've provided in the first place. People have livelihoods
and things that they want to protect the house because
I'm selling it at the market, so without me, they're
just nobody's. That's like, get me a hug. One day,
you're gonna be the boss of the market. I am.
(47:42):
Oh yeah, epotism. Where are the greens? And why do
you smell like beer? What the hell is this? Know?
I know we're supposed to have a Christmas salad, but
where is the where the green? Look? Hey, you look good?
Look good christ fucking morning. The Mord's name in main
(48:12):
and the Christmas don't frank the Lord's name Jesus, Duncan.
I'd go myself. Stop saying Christmas. Okay, every Christmas you
get a hammer out of your ass. And you can't
do the one fucking thing I asked. You can't do
the one thing I asked, go down to the market.
You're gonna go back, You're gonna so you better fucking walk.
(48:33):
I walked to the market. I don't care. Hey, duncan
you go into the market right now, buddy? Yet I
wouldn't walk down that way. There's a lot of glass
on the ground here. You should care. It's extremely glassy
out tonight. Here, take the teas in my car. Duncan.
We're neighbors in France. All right, you're a good neighbor.
(48:54):
A Merry Christmas to you, buddy. All right, hey dunkey,
you're gonna get in there, girl. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend it,
my man, I wouldn't recommend it. Not tonight, Not tonight. Why,
Officer Curt, Well, there's a lot of low hanging bars.
You're driving in a certain amount of speed. It's gonna
chet your heaf here. Just take my horse. It'll jump
over those bars here. You're gonna take that horse somewhere.
(49:20):
I was thinking about it. Would not recommending, my friend,
would not recommend. There's a lot of cliff in mouth
out there at night. I might have got it already.
I kissed this horse. Take my scooter. Take my scooter.
I'll take the scooter. Did you take your horse? I'll
take the horse back that way with the office. Now
(49:42):
you take the man. Christmas spirit of this town is crazy.
You're gonna ride that scooter. I was saying about it.
I wouldn't do it. Why. What's going on the way
your knees hang out to the side. Yeah, well, what
if a kid comes out with a little bad knocks
you were your favorite getting side? This toaster makes bacon?
(50:10):
Was this? Mrs Miguel, We found your husband's toasted body.
What a mile away from the market. Oh my god,
he's fine, he's just toasted like he smells. You're not neighbor, right,
You're not neigh No, no, no, no, I'm not. Oh
(50:35):
does your neighbor have Do you mind if I pull
up my shirt and just my pants down the lower
my pelpac you can get a good side of my stomach. Sure? Yeah.
Does your neighbor have this birth month? Oh my god,
Oh my god, Oh my god. You seriously you haven't
(50:55):
answered me. Does your neighbor have this birth month? Yes,
yes he does. Your neighbor might be Mike brother. Is
my husband dead? No? No, no, he is toasted and
he's smelling delicious. Oh my god, think what are you
doing in this bar? I just gave you a raise
(51:17):
to work for two other people. This is the guy
to fight everybody, all right, and I'm the boss. You
named the two people and that's why they got fired.
This is the asshole that fired. Then say you fired
(51:37):
both of them. That's not the way you say that.
That's the way I say that word. Hey, what what
I'm gonna do right now is you're fired. Because you're
you're fired. You yeah, you talk about duneto no rais
(51:57):
okay because you at the bar. I've had people coming
in looking for greens all day long and I had
to say, oh, well there's nobody works here but you
you're fired. Well, I'm a boss. I don't do so
you You told people to leave for from a sale
because I bus maybe I should stick around. That's not
a good business bar. This is no way to work.
(52:22):
You were supposed to do the work of two people.
That's why they got fired. Instead, you celebrated at the bar.
Good new son, you're would I now take as your uncle?
Just call from the bar. Really, they got your job back.
This is the greatest Christmas Evering bats outside singing shout
(52:53):
for today. Let's go back to the fearlessness and yes
and chure of Craig's drunk. He just went with the flow.
Just say yes to each new vehicle, thinking about it.
(53:15):
You're gonna take this thinking about it, thinking about it. Uh.
Let's start our thank you with Mr James Heeney. James
from the Black Void, Where are you? And how does
that lighting work? I'm on the cover of the Doors album.
Uh and yeah, and it's nice here. It's lonely without
(53:38):
the members of the Doors. Um. But yeah and uh.
You can check me out this season on YouTube at
game Front. Okay, excellent. Um. I checked with our our
engineering producer of the Stars to make sure this episode
would drop after our live show at the Wedsnide Comedy Theater.
(53:59):
But and that was fun, wasn't it. I can't believe
Gary joined us. It was really a lot of fun.
Uh and I had a great time. Guys. Actually the
doctor says it will heal and that's good to the
right doctor, James. Thanks very much, good luck with game Front.
(54:21):
Thank you, Dr Chris Alvarado. I just want to say
I don't think I mean the Doors is right, James,
but I think you're this is more. You're more of
like a Fuji's FOI La la la. That's all I got,
you know what. I love everybody. Um uh. So this
(54:43):
has dropped after our live show, but maybe before our
San Francisco Sketch first show Sketch Best January nine pm.
That's a Sunday one pm. Check us out. I've already
heard from a couple of of our friends that are
that are going to be there, which is exciting. So
you're exciting addition to our cast. Were you going to
(55:04):
mention that that's right, that's right. I wasn't going to
mention it. Um um Jessica, Well everybody dirty, low down.
So yeah, so she'll be joining us. That'll be exciting,
you know. So our show was on the ninth, and
then just tonight we get married on the twenty nine.
(55:26):
So it's just it's just this is a lot. It's
a lot happening there. We hope to see December or
the twenty ninth of January, of January, because our show
is January nine. Yeah, way to track that, James. And
so Chris, you're inviting everyone all the listeners is what? Oh? Yeah,
everybody can come. Everybody can come. And I'm I'm looking
at you, Swan Drizzle. I'm talking Chris b A. I
want the hits, you know what I mean? Of course,
(55:49):
to show up. That's that's what we want. Very cool
weddings at Joey's house. Gary Anthony Williams, thank you to
man being here, my friend. It is my absolute American pleasure.
I will be up there at that San Francisco but
I'll be there a couple of days before you guys
are with my group, the black version, I think on
the seventh. Hey, if it's still the Holidays when you
(56:10):
hear this, I am. I think Disney's first black Santa
in the movie Christmas Again on Disney as well as
Disney Plus watch it with a white child. It's called
Michigan Christmas Again. That's so cool. That's the tagline. Gregkkowski,
(56:35):
thank you so damn much for being here. Oh my pleasure.
Kevin James, I think it's the Queen two album cover
you're thinking of. Yeah, that too. And John Wilkes Booth
of course murdered. I was testing the group by saying
Edwin Booth, though I'm not sure why man be Ale
accepted it as an answer. Um, but Edwin Booth of
(56:58):
course was John's brother, and I was just wanted to
kind of cross promote the Drunk History episode from season
one where we covered the Booth brothers, Edwin and John
Booth played by Adam Scott and Will Forte. Yeah, thank
you for that. Thank you for all of that. Joey Dreer,
I want to piggyback on that. And John Wilkes Booth
(57:19):
was held at the dry Tortugas and the largest brick
building I believe in America in the Americas, and it's
they call it dry on in the island because it
means there's no natural water and they abandoned it. And
he was the only prisoner. Actually I think it was
him and the doctor who who helped him, but the
doctor's name yuh. So it's a national park also the
(57:45):
tom Cruise of his day. He was a giant, giant
acting star on the on the level of a what
we would consider to be a giant movie star today.
It was John Wilkes Booth. Uh, his own stunts that
his own stunts well into his and ran weird well
(58:06):
enthusiastically every play he was sprinting. He's up front. Let's
thank our engineer Pruce, of the stars, Mr Doug Baye,
the fine folks that I heart media. So great to
be back. Thank you for all your concerns and your emails,
and uh please be kind to each other. Happy holidays everybody,
(58:27):
until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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